Vagina Beef

Your love is like   toe fungus - hey, mushrooms are a fungus and you eat them..

• A bunch of Montana TikTok users don't care that China gets all their information because they already gave it to Faceyspaces. If they don't prevail in court, they threatened to fly to China and give them military secrets. And their personal information.

Today I identify as  a quantum nothing 

Dontcha Hate it When....(COPS edition)

• A cool car chase happens. The criminal uses his turn signals.
• It's always hysterical to watch them taze a perp. Repeatedly.
• ALL stops end in a drug search
• car chases are called off because the perp is driving too wildly and the police are scared of running down innocent citizens. C'mon - this is Death Race 2023 - extra points for old ladies and strollers
• calm suspects are cuffed, then the police say STOP RESISTING and beat him to a pulp
• the perp won't let the police cuff him and keeps asking WHAT I DO, WHAT I DO?
• DAT NOT MY DRUGS, DAT NOT MY CAR, DAT NOT MY PURSE, DAT NOT MY PANTS
• I din do it. I wasn't driving.  But you were the only one in the car.
• the drug dog always finds something, even if the cops can't
• Why did you run? Because you were chasing me.
• People with severe head wounds always refuse an ambulance
• when police 'have one at gunpoint,' they never shoot him, even accidentally.
• The police can smell marijuana whether it's there or not.
• Nobody wants to be filmed, but the cops say "They're doing a documentary on me" and the criminals believe it.
• People don't know blinking lights and sirens mean to PULL OVER.
• You get up early on a day off.

For some reason no one can explain, I found myself up at 6:30am on a Saturday. I was shocked, ashamed, and my Rock and Roll spirit was crushed. What's next - mowing and planting flowers? Taking an interest in keeping the house clean? Being nice to my wife?  I better head this off at the pass while there's still time.

Being awake and alone (even the dog stayed in bed) gave me time to think and reflect. I've mentioned that my wife could be called Billy, from an old comic called [I Can't Remember - Family Circus!]. Mom or Dad would call him and little Billy would say, "I'll be right there!"  Only Billy's definition of Right There was slightly different. The comic strip showed his extremely roundabout trip home, and being Right There. He'd stop to visit neighbors, pet dogs, chat with friends, jump in mud, then eventually he'd be Right There. My wife IS little Billy. Never mind the gender or the humongous slight age difference. The woman couldn't get out of a burning building with a week's notice.

Believe me, I've worked on the problem, pretending it's mine. I've brought in specialists, read books, and loaded up on nuclear weapons, but it continues and continues to make me murderous very upset. I figured out a long time ago that I represented her father, with the exception of wisdom; wisdom and a mustache. Sadly I represented her mother too, also with a mustache. Only Wife had to obey her father, but she had a permanent hall pass with me. No wonder she was so happy to get married. I thought she was happy to have met her (scrufty, irascible) prince.. no, she was happy she didn't have to listen to anybody anymore. Sigh. The tears from her family were also lost on me. Wife told me that they were happy to get rid of her: she way my problem now. So much for that idea. Oh well, 'happy marriage' is another to add to the Oxymoron Pile, with Microsoft security and Congressional ethics. 

Honey, are you ready to go?

Yup, I'll be right there.

Uh-oh. I'll just build a small barn outside, then dig a trench from the basement to the barn. That should be enough time to be ready. Boy, wasn't *I* the stupid one? By the time the barn was built, she had made it to the bathroom. Well, everybody has to go - I can't fault her there. I came in for some water (I had started to sweat, which was very odd for me) and found her still in the bathroom. Just for fun, I yelled through the door...

READY YET? YOU SAID NO PROBLEM.

[The dog barked, because she gets upset when I yell.]

I'm almost ready. 

 What are you doing?

Cleaning up a bit.

You told me we couldn't be late.

We can't.

You were up 2 hours before we were supposed to leave.

I got busy and forgot.

Go fsck yourself

WHAT?

I said. "Don't forget to tuck in your shirt."

Ok. I'll be Right Out.

I'll just dig that trench and make some concrete walls for it. Right next to the Panic Room.

Ok, I'll be Right Out.

Right after George Washington comes back, looks around, and shoots himself.

What?

I said I just can't wait.

[dig trench, install concrete walls, order servers and computers, wire everything up, with NOTHING in The Cloud]

Why is there a soda can upside down in the sink?

Because I was emptying it out before I threw it away.

It seems to have missed the Throwing Away stage.

I had to drain it first.

How did you miss the Throwing Away stage?

I left it there because I went on to do something else.

Why didn't you just wait the 3/4 of a second for the can to drain?

There were other things to do.

And now I get stuck throwing it out.

Oh, would you do that? Thank you.

You're ready now, right?

I'll be there in a second.

How exactly do you measure time? You being ready takes about the same time as the doctor keeps you waiting in the waiting room. Are you secretly a doctor?

HEY, don't call me an asshole! 

So you're ready?

I'll be right there.

Ok, I'll build that full-scale train set you got me for xmas. See you tomorrow.

[busies herself in the kitchen. Goes upstairs to bedroom. Comes back down. Goes back up, having forgotten her shoes; the reason she went up in the first place]

Do these sparkly turquoise sneakers look ok with this dress? 

You're asking ME? The guy who can barely get his black t-shirts to match his black jeans?

You're always honest.

Yes, so long as I like it. I'm still recovering from that time I said it didn't look right.

Don't be sarcastic.

Then I'd never speak.

Oh, you figured it out? 

By the way, the house is on fire.

I just have a few more things to get.

The dog, who is normally attached to your legs, has run out for her own safety. When was the last time the dog went somewhere that wasn't following you? That dog would rather sleep in the bed with you all day than come say hi to me. But at least she's got enough sense to run for her life.

Do you think her coat matches the fire? Did I leave my phone somewhere? The car? Target? The pool? 

See those flames by the tv? You have about 10 seconds before you go up like the tv.

I've just got to do a few more things.

Like what?

Clean the bathroom.

You just cleaned the bathroom when you went, 6 hours ago.

But it needs a serious, full cleaning.

So the ashes are clean?

I don't want the firemen to think we don't clean regularly.

I see.

Where's my pocketbook? 

By the door, where it always is. The door through which you should be running several hours ago.

Not that pocketbook - the black suede one with the fringes.

The normal one isn't good enough?

I will not be seen by the firemen looking like this.

When did you become so vain? You probably thought this blog was about you.

I am not vain - I just care about how I look. A lot.

Look, I got dressed, didn't I? 

You're not going out like that. Your shirt is all wrinkled.

At least I'm dressed.

I just need a few more things. Try one of the new shirts I bought you.

You bought more shirts?

The other day.

So that's where the money goes.

You didn't expect me to wash them, did you? 

That explains why I have 427 pairs of socks. The fire has cut off the steps. We'll have to go out the window!

Did you put in that fire ladder I asked you to last month? 

Yeah, about that.....  I'll put it in right now. I'm almost ready....

Being up at 6:30, the time I used to come home when I was young, had me ready for breakfast by 7:30. 7:30 is NOT when I have breakfast. I have breakfast anywhere from 10am to 6pm.  Having breakfast when the Normies do is embarrassing. At least we have Chocolate Frosted Flakes. I liked it better when the Flakes had those Irish marshmallow-like treats, like the commercial. That lasted about 1 week before being violently pulled from the shelves in the store. They'll get my Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Lucky Charms Marshmallows when they pry them from my cold, dead hands.

We got them at Ollies. Ever been to Ollies? It's pretty damn cool. It's where all unsold merchandise goes to die. Everything from bed sheets to children's bible books and Chocolate Frosted Flakes, which were also pulled from the shelves last year. Check the dates, folks. The depth of stuff you can find boggle the mind. There are even foods. These are the most interesting, because you see stuff that made it to market for a few days or weeks. Stuff you didn't know existed, but within date. They had pet aisles too. PLEASE do not buy any food or treats made in China. They have no controls and almost killed Ren (aka Satan). We had to take him to the vet constantly. Let's see, there's plastic kitchen utensils, bunches of stereo wires, actual toaster ovens and coffee makers, and hilarious signs featuring the character of Ollie. Don't mistake me - it's a fun place to vist. They even have huge amounts of coffee k-cups. All of them suck, and are in at least packs of 401, so you have no choice or way to return them. Since they're plastic, I usually just set them on fire in the yard, along with some of the neighbors who have outlived their usefulness, if they ever had any. The guy who invented and got rich from them, said he wished he'd never come up with them. There's not enough plastic to recycle, so they wind up with the other trash, in a 1,452 mile wide swirling pile of trash off the Atlantic. Federal courts have ruled the businesses can continue dumping in the water because to actually clean things up would constitute too heavy a penalty and too much profit loss for the corporations. President Giveaway is studying the matter scrupulously, not to decide its Constitutionality, but to determine how many billions to give them.

Oh yeah, Ollies.... the store had changed from last time. Some sort of explosive or nuclear device had gone off, rendering half of the merchandise open, half of it irradiated, and the other half on the floor. The only good news was that all the food was free from unsightly growths and critters. Even the staff was infertile. The half life of the radiation was much shorter than the shelf life dates on the merchandise, so everything was safe to pick up (unless it was out of date). There was one moth flying around, though. It had small human legs, a nose, and told us to get out of there if we were at all concerned about the shelf life of the religious books. Religious loons come in many flavors. We ignored the moth and went to the checkout line, even after it told us it was an employee too - the manager. We found out that every employee was a manager. We believed it because we only saw one employee the whole time.

One employee also happened to be the number of cashiers present. They had space for 5 cashiers, but in their infinite wisdom, only had one operating a register. From the 15 minutes we spent in line, with the same customer at the register, we figured she was definitely a manager, although managers are not generally that helpful - they usually get in the way of any progress or work. We started our countdown clock, which is a relatively new feature. Generally a 5 minute timer, it is started so that we know to leave in 5 minutes or less without any help or progress. I was getting ready to use one of their squirting automatic machine guns, when I realized the manager was a minor, so I dropped the weapon before the police arrived. It turned out my desire to wipe the manager from the face of the planet was premature. I listened in to the conversation between the 2 person team slowing everything down and realized it was entirely the customers, not the employees, relatives, or representatives of the NFL. Apparently the one hag even managed to piss off the less-aged hag, who finally kept saying, "Mom, it's ok, let her do her job so we can confound a cashier in the next store over."  A-HA!

I think we surprised the hell out of the scheduling manager. Yes, they're all managers to make them feel important (impotent). The scheduling manager didn't think there would be any customers on a holiday weekend, particularly a Saturday with wonderful weather, so he only scheduled a single manager for the register. She started shrieking something into the p.a. system, vaguely sounding like a cry for help. Her shrieking went so high, we thought she was talking to the moth. Ten minutes later, a bearded, bedraggled manager appeared, looking every bit the manager in charge of napping in the back room. And he was NOT happy about being awakened. He regaled me with stories of the 3 managers they lost that month. followed by the mass exodus of lesser managers, who left by threes, for jobs that paid a few dollars more. The store managers got a kick out of this, because the lesser managers found out they were getting more per hour, but were only allowed to work part-time. The manager who was telling me this asked for my loyalty card. What would I be doing with a loyalty card; I'm hardly the type to be loyal to humans, no less a store. Then he asked for my social security number. I told him he could have mine, but only after he gave me his. He wanted me to sign up for a loyalty card then, because I would get 3.4556% off this cart full of no-longer-radiated merchandise. He tried another tactic and asked for my phone number. I gave him the one we always make up whenever we need to give out a phone number and discovered we were already in the system. Hmmmm..... apparently I DID have a loyalty card. This will NOT go well at the country club. People would interrupt me during the gig, where I spent 4 hours tuning my guitar. I took breaks, though, so the union didn't send Mario and Luigi out to have a 'chat' with me (screw you - that's their names).  The union's policy is that you must take your breaks or else you make every other union member look bad. And if you thought the chat with Mario and Luigi was going to be bad....

Now, about that loyalty card. I suspect it was the reason for the calls and discount cards they kept mailing to us.  I swallowed it up, just like the discount cards from Shoe Warehouse.  She never thought I'd notice, but she never noticed the discount cards from Guitar Center. I'm just kidding - Guitar Center never has anything I want, specifically nice left handed guitars. Maybe it's because they're bankrupt (morally and monetarily).  At a guitar show, I was apparently so funny about something or other, a Guitar Center employee gave me a 25% off card, or maybe a $25 gift certificate - I remember 25 being on there somewhere. I suspect my constant whining about never having any money had actual basis in fact, and the constant 'roof repairs' failed to explain why the roof leaked. Perhaps the roofers belong to a union too. 

• Precisely at 12 noon, the air conditioner came on. It doesn't have a timer. It ran til 12:01 then turned off. It could be like one of those tests of the emergency air conditioning system that always interrupt your favorite shows. Or not. It's not even near the top of the list of strange things that happen in ThermionicMansion on a daily basis, so I don't want to spend much time questioning it.
• One of the things near the top of that list is the refrigerator. Actually I don't know if it's the refrigerator - it just happens at the refrigerator. For 2 days when I open the door, a bottle leaps from the shelf, either trying to commit suicide or having been pushed, perhaps by the CIA. Both times I wasn't wearing shoes, so it created powerful memories, as well as depressions in both feet. It's hard to do that because my feet are like Swiss cheese, from constantly shooting myself in them.  The bottles weren't positioned precariously and in no way would they fall. I smell conspiracy. Aliens. Or a podiatrist.
• Mrs. lefty has a bad back. This is why I stopped questioning her on why the sofa moved across the room while we slept. I just go with it these days. It's easier and less stressful to believe it just happens, as opposed to not liking the real reason why.
• Your furniture moves around too, right?  Please? 

In a complete shock to no one, the budget farce was passed by Congress.

Every time it's the same thing: debt theater. They should all be removed from their jobs and forced to pay for what they voted for.

• the debt ceiling was suspended til 2025, so the thieves can continue to plunder and raise the debt even further.
• think I'm over the top? Per the article  "This allows them to pay their bills until that date and know that the next fight over raising the ceiling will not interfere with the presidential election."
• shockingly, the only clear winner was the Military Industrial Complex, with $886 billion.
•  Biden agreed to cut $20bn from the $80bn to the IRS, but divert that cash to other non-defence spending. President Giveaway strikes again.

No mention of the other pork loaded into this mess, but rest assured, it's there.

Take This Debt and Shove It

Your love is like   - green fish tacos

Hawaii tourists follow GPS into water - many times.

It happened to me in New Jersey, but that might have been personal.

Today I identify as   everyone upset at Target -both sides.

So Target is in trouble. Wanting 'inclusion,' Target started carrying LGBTQ+ clothing. Naturally the South got upset, threatening violence and turning over displays, as well as arguing with the hourly employees. Target, 'concerned about the safety of their employees,' will be pulling some of the merchandise. This naturally upset LGBTQ+. It also proved that threats of violence work. I don't like that Target carries ugly clothes, so I don't buy them. Nor do I threaten employees or turn over displays. I don't care what they carry - it does nothing to upset my day (or my life). If it bothered me, I wouldn't shop there, voting with my dollars. Somehow it would never occur to me to threaten and destroy. I guess I need to be an alleged religious redneck to understand. Imagine that - the south being a problem. Bible Belt strikes again, in the midst of all manner of legal moves against freedom. This is a rerun of how many years ago?

Because of anti-LGBT legislation, people are terrified to come out. Shockingly, the highest percentage come from Utah, also the largest user of Pornhub. See? Keep trying to actively put down and pretend there's no problem and it explodes. This is also what happens when people voluntarily take a vow of celibacy - it's not in the human makeup to be celibate. So they act out with little boys and others. It's basic human nature, honed through millions of years of evolution. Or aliens.

In theory, America does not exist to legislate the beliefs of any one group. We have a Constitution that forbids it, yet these Rabid Religionoids keep at it. Funny, it only started after they got a majority in Congress. I hoped it would be fun to watch them give it back to the dems, but they took the ball and shoved it right up their own asses: may both of them rot in hell for what they've done to this country. And guess who put them there, by arguing one party is clearly superior to the other? The next time you're ready to say one party is better, take a look at your pay stub and tell me how much they've helped your financial situation by taking more and more of your hard-earned money for their ridiculous schemes and a ridiculous record debt. Hold them accountable. Let them know how you feel. Wanna improve the economy? Take less taxes and 'allow' people to keep more of their own money. Instead, we just get debt. If you think there will be meaningful tax reform, I want some of what you're smoking.

Debt Theater is always a shit show, and always follows the same script. Our memory is criminally short, and benefits only the criminals.

Why is There Hair?

So I'm sitting there, pulling out my ear hair, one at a time. 

Normally I just chuck them. When I'm feeling a hair OCD (get it - hair?), I let them fall onto a blank piece of paper. This makes them show up significantly. Since everything in the house is black or close, any examination would be impossible. When my OCD medication runs out, I line them up by size on the paper. I like to measure them all too, notating it under each hair, which requires more than one piece of paper. But I have larger questions:

1. How did we evolve ear hair? Why?
2. If the hair on your head falls off, why doesn't ear hair?
3. Is nose hair the same thing, in terms of evolution?
4. What kind of genetic freaks have we become?

Since very little of what we grow in and on us is just for fun, what do you suppose ear hair does in the first place? Did cavemen have a full ear of hair to protect them from the winter cold and summer sun exposure? 

• How stupid did they look if they were victims of Male Pattern Baldness? 
• Once we started to build huts, row homes, and McMansions, did we lose the need for ear hair, as well as head hair? If so, that would explain why there are only (hopefully) a few hairs still growing, as opposed to having to comb them.
• If we bring in nose hair for a bit, is it better to braid, trim, or YANK?

While the most satisfying is obviously YANK, there are other ways to go. If you're particularly concerned about your appearance, combing and braiding are recommended. Trimming is an option, but it needs constant maintenance. Mowing should probably not be considered, unless you're one of those adrenaline junkies, who jump out of planes and offend the mafia for the rush. The last option, which is highly distasteful, is ignoring the errant growths. I had to mention it so all options are presented. From a health standpoint, I understand YANKing isn't all that healthy. It can cause inflammation, infection, and huge boils which will make people mistake you for a witch. If you have an already large schnozz, this is a bad option. HOWEVER, there is simply nothing as satisfying as YANKing; inflammation and infection go away eventually, hopefully, unless you caused a serious infection, in which case it will have to be removed (your nose). After removal, you will long for your previous huge hooter (as Pete Townshend said). Pete is a verifiable humongous proboscis expert. The only one to benefit from this at all is a plastic surgeon, unless the emergency room personnel can re-attach the nose. While they might be able to clean up the mortally injured schnozz, you will still need to breathe through your ears. In this case, the ear hair will help filter out bad particles (and produce snot). Hmmm... I think we have our answer.

Tune in next week for  SNOT: Is it ok to eat? What about somebody else's?

Question: what word describes Congress and the best things in life?

Answer: I'll take boobs for $500, Alex.

Governor Extraordinaire and part time mailbox Gavin Newsom (D -Planet of California), pledged to nominate a black woman to replace Dianne Feinstein, should she ever do the right thing and leave. This would be called RACIST if it were in any other direction, and it's correct in either case. It's criminal. Oprah's name has been floated, because she's every bit as qualified as other governors, Congresspersons, and presidents. But she's black, she's female, and she's famous; you can't beat that. There's been Clint Eastwood, Ronald Reagan, Donald Trump, Sonny Bono, and others. Judge for yourself their performance in office.

The fact Gavin Newsom gets elected then re-elected says volumes about the people of the Planet of California. Don't forget, this is the place with the committee on reparations, that recommended $5 million to each victim. Then they cut it down to only $1.2 million.  How much will it cost?  How, exactly, will they pay for it? And does anybody deserve it, especially with your money?  Slavery was unconscionable, but I didn't enslave anyone, nor did I 'own' people. I have ancestors that suffered too, but no one ever speaks for them. Would I demand reparations? Nope - I did what I did by myself, instead of guilting others. It's possible for other groups - this is America: you own you and you make you. There has never been a better time to make it yourself. Come up with a unique idea and pursue it. We're a service-based economy - provide a service others don't and people will flock to your door. 

Don't forget, any suit against the government is also a suit against its citizens and taxpayers, deserved or not. As usual, we will pay the bill.

Don't forget: June is Pride Month.

This is one of the months your insane workplace sends around emails, asking you to celebrate.

It's not that I have any problems with the LGBTQ+-^$# community: I hate everyone equally. Any month at all that does not have left handed in it fails the Attention Test. I didn't hang out at work with the Pacific Islanders last month and it's not like I'm going to hang around with LGBTQ+_~~~)% at work this month. Never mind that we work from home and couldn't hang out with anybody at all, other than the dog (she's red and also doesn't have a month). I see no Multiple Personality Month either. It's wholesale discrimination, I say.

Who gives a dead squirrel? Shouldn't we keep this stuff at home? Yeah, it's funny to see the heads of gay-haters explode, but still... I think its also Vacation Month for the KKK. They leave the country so they don't have to take their blood pressure pills. At least they have the courtesy to wear those silly hats, so when their heads explode, there's nothing to clean up. It also makes it easier to spot whose head blew up by the red stains on the white hat. Do you suppose they starch those things? Nah, starch catches fire too easily, which would be rather unfortunate during the cross-burnings. Or fortunate, depending on your point of view.

Still no left handed history month.

After all that, I need to confess: it's time to come out. All my life I've kept it hidden, but I need to be true to myself. I'm forming the LGBTQW+ group. It's the same as the other group, with the addition of W.  --> W stands for Weird.  With all the partying my gay friends do, perhaps I should identify as a Pacific Islander instead.

Ok, I can't let the perversion of the English language go unchallenged when I see it.

Until fairly recently, the word 'hate' meant extreme dislike.

Now it means you don't agree with the speaker and they want to shame you for your feelings.

I don't "hate" right handed people. I extremely dislike them.

But if a right handed person heard me saying this, she'd say, "Don't hate on the right handers."

They say I'm "...phobic." Phobia is a fear of. I don't believe everybody who doesn't like right handed people is afraid of them - they simply don't like them. There IS a difference, but the language is being tied in knots to accommodate whatever group is using it. 

I don't like right handed people.

What's that about? Why the HATE? You're dexterophobic!

I didn't say I was FRIGHTENED of right handed people, I said I don't LIKE them. English wasn't your best subject in school, was it?

Barbie does Pr0n

Not, really.

But I did an Epay search for Barbie clothing for a present and I found the damnedest things. EPay is known for their hilarious search results.

Among them are these, with not so much as Barbie on them:

• anything pink in color
• pink polka-dot umbrella
• vinyl bike shorts
• Women's Metal Studded Leather Vest Barbie's Bling
• Hipster Reversible Bikini Bottoms in Barbie Pink
• Barbie by Andy Warhol (meaning it also didn't have Barbie on or in it anywhere)
• black and white hair tie with skulls
• a mumu
• and screaming hot bodysuit lingerie

Guess which non-Barbie item I'm ordering with the Barbie items?

And of course, a ton of Barbie crop-tops.

Crop tops are like crack to overweight women.

In summer, they go well with wool hats.

Search for anything and comment with the most ridiculous results.

My last hilarious result was a search for t-shirts, which returned men's underwear... with an..  'elephant trunk' on front, to hold your [external plumbing equipment].  Question: if I search for dildos, will it return Barbie crop tops or just official Barbie dildos?

Theme song for the Flying AIDS governmental response:

 The Beatles singing "We all live in a yellow Chevrolet"

Speaking of which, are those Supply Chain Interruptions over yet? Since the Flying AIDS alert has been taken down by the President, shouldn't the prices come back down? Or does President Giveaway have to bail out the supermarkets too?

• In one of the weirdest moments of my musical life, I turned off a Jeff Beck song. It still hurts.

Like I wrote recently, I finally bought myself a Christmas present. This is unprecedented for me. It was a nose hair trimmer. Yes, that's the only thing I could think of (that wasn't a Custom Shop guitar). In an unrelated coincidence, it won't work today. Like the rest of The lefty Show, I am doomed. It's mostly little stuff that wouldn't bother normal people, but piles up like ash after Mt. Vesuvius went off. It's relentless. Since I used it approximately twice, for 14 seconds, it must be the Energizer battery inside. I love taking things apart. Except nose hair trimmers, cuz you never know where they've been.

‘Am I gay?’-related Google searches soar 1,300 percent in 19 years: analysis

One of my favorite phrases: We are a country of morons.
 

Sometimes it really IS that simple. Or so I figure.

I am a CIS hetero white male. In other words, part of the problem - the PATRIARCHY.

The birds and the bees were explained to me early on and they resonated with reality.
 My heart races when I see Linda Fiorentino. It does nothing when I see Will Smith (both in MIB2). That's pretty much it for me. Men do not register on the Pleasure Scale.

The people asking Google if they're gay might be missing something. Possibly the ability to monitor their own feelings and sexual response. Possibly something north of their neck. Guys: if you want to play with another guy's naughty bits, chances are you're gay (or bi). Does his butt look hot in those pants? Would you rather see him naked than his girlfriend? Are you asking why he has a girlfriend when he could be with you? These are Really Good Signs that you're not entirely, or at all, hetero. If you want him to teach you a lesson, possibly about spanking, you don't have to ask Google. If you feel a desire to wear a sweater tied around your neck, Bing won't help much. If you have 2 pet Yorkies with bows in their ears; don't bother with Duckduckgo.  As they say in England, you're a poof.

I do not discriminate, ladies. The first thing to look for is plaid. If you wear it a lot, look for other signs. Plaid is not a good thing at all, male or female, especially below the waist. Slight exception for winter shirts. Ever feel you really need some Birkenstocks at this moment? Do people call you Butch, even though that's not your name? Do you find Rachel Maddow a style icon? When your female friends look at guys and say OOH, do you say EEW? When your female friends lean over, do you feel an imperative to examine their mammalian protuberances (just to make sure they're properly attached, of course)? Do you tell them their ass looks great in those jeans, then prove it by grabbing on? Are many of your jackets missing sleeves? Do you have to change your panties after 'reading' the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition? Didja ever feel things would be so much better if you had something like guys do, but it can be put on and taken off at will? When watching pr0n, do you wish the guys could be girls instead? Do your scissors not cut paper?

You tell me... is it really difficult to tell if you might be gay? 

If you have to ask....

Also remember, Google tracks you. The data on the title came out of searches. Your name is likely tied to one of them. They are building quite a profile of you, as is Faceyspaces, Amazon, and our friends in DC.  If you're not Out, you might be, to advertisers who buy info from Google. This is why I say to use duckduckgo.com. They don't track you and are not building a profile of you to send ads to, or sell to their friends. Faceyspaces does, and you gladly help, by putting all your information out there and filling out your profile. Maybe crazy old Uncle lefty has a point...

Antipsychotic meds

Remember not to take antipsychotics if you are allergic to antipsychotics. Antipsychotics can cause drowsiness, dragon breath, the Thorazine Shuffle, and will piss off the voices. Swimming pools and rocks may stop talking to you. You may no longer be Jesus. Do not drink alcohol with antipsychotics, unless you're drinking an awful lot and driving.

Hey, ya know those 'table top air conditioner' cube-like things?

There's a lot of arguing about whether or not it works. I stupidly thought it either worked or it didn't, but I'm just a security guy, not an a/c tech.  A/C techs make more money and don't have to return calls, like plumbers and electricians. I think I figured out the issue: the instructions say it's designed to work in 50% humidity.  That probably explains why, after I turned it on, it laughed at me and spit out its own power cord. The same thing happened to every dehumidifier we tried.

I love it when a concert venue sends me their schedule. As I look at the listings, there is only one word that comes to mind: Who?  well, 2 words: WHO? and You're kidding me - they want to charge me HOW MUCH to see a Billy Joel cover band?

Speaking of The lefty Show, we went out one Saturday. There is something about Saturdays. With normal people there is something wrong with Mondays. With us, it's Saturdays. No one has any idea why, though. On Saturday, it's impossible to get out of the house. It's never a problem any other day, because I never go out any other day. Part of it is that I confuse my body by getting more than 5 hours of sleep. It has no idea what to do with all that sleep, so it simply demands more, thinking that's a pretty hip idea. It's never a hip idea to demand things from me. So my body and I start yelling at each other. This must look bizarre from a safe viewing distance, but it makes perfect sense while I'm in the midst of it. The arguing can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours. Most times the body wins, and I go back to sleep, because 12 hours just isn't enough on a Saturday. If I manage to win the fight, simply getting out of bed and down the steps has me more than ready for a nap. You know. my first nap.

This is but one of the many fun activities occurring on Saturdays. One other is locating Wife. We've been married forever, largely due to our schedules being 180 degrees off: when I work, she sleeps. When I sleep, she doesn't. It's very difficult to argue this way, although we're both pretty talented and can work around it. So even if we're marginally awake and haven't killed each other (yet), we will not get out of the house til around dinner, when we'll explore where to find breakfast. If you get up at 4pm, your first meal is breakfast, not dinner, so don't give me any of your holier than thou crap about eating at proper hours and eating proper food, and why can't you be like your brother; a decent married, hard-working man, with 2 beautiful children his wife is in the process of ruining, who have a permanent spot on a therapist's couch waiting for them? If I want to eat my first meal after 5pm, who are you to judge me?

So if we make it past the front door, it's only after a few hours of deciding where to go, then a few more hours of "I'll be right there." Tonight we decided to visit my old high school haunt, a pizza joint. Since we haven't had any real pizza in over a year, we were happy to go there. Like most people, my high school lasted 4 long years. Fortunately there was a pizza joint next to it, so that's where I spent most of the 4 years. I graduated in the top 10%, which tells you a lot about the public school system. It's always nostalgic to visit the place. Things have really changed, though. The school developed tall fencing with barbed wire around the outside (probably inside too). This might have something to do with me going there and referring to it as Bob's High School and Pharmaceutical Outlet. The whole experience terrified me, so I never went to college. It was a good thing, too, as I accompanied my BFF to register for his classes. We spent HOURS waiting in lines, only to be told to wait in the OTHER line. That was enough to put me off any further education (possibly life itself).

Like most things, memory is a fickle mistress (don't tell them you made that phrase up, dimwit). The pizza was certainly edible, but not quite as edible as I remembered it. At this point, we're so starved for pizza, it was the best we've had in quite a while. The only thing better than good pizza is ice cream, before or after pizza. There is a local chain that makes the most interesting ice cream flavors, called Brusters. Just reading the menu can excite most parts of your body. Being lefty, I figured they'd have 35 flavors, none of which I'd enjoy. Also being lefty, I checked their hours online, fortunately not while driving. This being The lefty Show, they closed in 5 minutes. Had we a small plane, a large plane, or a helicopter, we could have made it, but landing space is at a premium in that hood. I doubt they could have sent it up to us either.

Plan B was a place 5 minutes from ThermionicManor. Off we went. And really off *I* went. With street parking, a paid lot, and several large neighborhood streets, there was not so much as ONE parking spot. This tripped my trigger, which is always a very easy thing to do. I suggested we just go home, as the business could not be bothered to have sufficient parking, never mind handicapped spots. I shall email them about this serious breach of business etiquette. I'm sure there will be someone at the place who will really care what I have to say. They'll be so shocked they won't be able to reply to me. Yeah, that's it.

Normal people can go out and get some fine pizza, then find some delectable ice cream. We're lucky to get past the front door, especially on Saturday.

Stay tuned for another episode of The lefty Show, subtitled Unreasonable Expectations.

I don't wanna say the weather is weird here, but I do all the time.

Friday I needed the space heater in the office. Hours later, the fan. Then I made a crack to Wife that it would be 90 the next day. I was wrong; it was only 87. It's 'spring' and I have used the car a/c 3 times.

The dog, however, is perfectly happy to sit in front of the heater or the fan.

Get Checked for Colon Cancer - Shove it Up Your...

Your love is like    chocolate covered cream cheese?

Oldest most complete Hebrew Bible sells for $38m at auction

asked for comment, the ADL declared it antisemitic.

 

Today I identify as   a toddler, too young to remember his gender reveal party

Florida Professor Breaks Record For Time Spent Living Underwater

Nobody knows why.

• trying to avoid the summons
• got the results of the STD test
• Mario and Luigi want to chat with him about a 'loan payment'

Microsoft is scanning the inside of password-protected zip files for malware

You have to give them credit: they stay up late every night, thinking of how to be more evil.

• In their quest to piss off millions and millions of android users, Google introduced 'like' buttons for text messages. Millions and millions of android users were sick to their stomachs that their operating system attempted to be every bit as foo-foo as Apple's. Meanwhile, millions and millions of iDevice users were sick to their stomachs, because they could no longer say, "Yes, WE have it, but YOU don't."
• Quite frankly, I don't care whether you liked my text or not. Most of humanity went to texts because they're short and involve no interaction with people. You're just adding more time and effort to something you chose because it was brief. And pissing off most of your friends and family. You are the kind of people who couldn't send texts without emojis if you were on fire.
• Your kind makes me sick - you toffee-nosed, vacuous, malodorous PERVERTS

 

As Wireless Carriers 'Rip and Replace' Chinese-Made Telecom Equipment, Who Pays?

This is a rhetorical question, right?

The answer is always The Taxpayers.

Congress gave the FCC $1.9 billion (of your money) to replace Huawei equipment. Ask yourself why we need to pay for new equipment. If your gas station's toilet blows up, should your tax money pay for it? If their lift jack dumps a Toyota on a customer, do you pay for the new one (lift jack or customer)? Surprising to no one is the fact that this latest giveaway has grown to over $5 billion, with no additional funding (yet). However, Republicans have already come up with a bill, bless their pointy little heads. I'm sure the Dems are following on their heels. Congress has never met a thing that couldn't be made worse with your money.

Side note: humongous businesses have used Chinese junk instead of paying more for American equipment. This is not an argument about countries, it's about quality. A Cisco switch can be thousands of dollars, while a Huawei can be a lot less. Businesses who know it's important to have quality gear go with Cisco. It's a cost of doing business. This hit the fan after somebody woke up to the security implications of gear from 'the enemy.'  I wouldn't put that crap on my network - you shouldn't either. I wouldn't pay for the cable company's new routers and neither should you. Talk to your congresscritter.

Make no mistake - if taxpayer money didn't fund this, you'd still pay, but through your cable or phone bills, not another President Giveaway giveaway.  Have I mentioned the $52 billion giveaway to chip manufacturers lately? College loan forgiveness? Funding the vaccine for the Flying AIDS? Bank bailout? Auto bailout? Trillions in financial and arms aid for foreign countries? 

• Beware of people who spell Dennis 'Denis'

Saw an old friend the other day, who asked if I had observed the mandatory 6 month mourning period for Jeff Beck

This is why I have friends. Both of them.

It's inevitable that your workplace will hit you (painfully) over sexual harassment and discrimination, offering (mandatory) training. Just remember that sexual harassment applies to unwanted sexual words or touches. Unwanted. So if your target smiles, it's not harassment.

If you're accused of any of these terrible acts, you need to immediately throw a monkeywrench in the process. Start by calling your accuser RACIST. This is usually the way to make even the most mighty fall to their knees. If this fails (because you managed to screw it up - it never fails by itself) you need to go with a reliable backup - the Americans with Disabilities Act. People with disabilities rank second only to cries of RACIST. Business stop everything they're doing and pay strict attention to ADA claims.  One person in a wheelchair out front can cause irreparable harm. Pay careful attention: tell your employer your disability is that you're crazy. You have a mental problem. The ADA covers people who have mental problems, even if it's just that you have no filters or Tourette's Syndrome. 

-you're welcome

We're all out here, dead in the water

We  got a leak in the boat

We're up shit's' creek, without any paddle

Just tryin' to stay afloat

  -- Joe Walsh  The Band Played On 

Today's News  

Police arrested a Person of Color today, for robbing a bank.

SJW Chorus:  RACIST!

Elon Musk: George Soros hates humanity    (he said this)

SJW Chorus:  ANTISEMITE!   (they said that)

Today Donald Trump..

SJW Chorus:   RACIST. HATER. FASCIST!

Dianne Feinstein stepped down today because of dementia

SJW Chorus:  SEXIST! AGEIST! ABLEIST!

Rear Admiral Jackie Harkness, a gay advocate, was fined for hitting counterprotesters with his stick.

SJW Chorus:  HOMOPHOBES!

The entire Bible Belt wants to ban Drag Shows

SJW Chorus:  GENDERIST!  HATER!  GAY BASHER!

I give up. I'm just going to shoot myself.

SJW Chorus:  GUN NUT! LIFE-IST! ANTI-NEWSIST! BOYCOTT CNNSNBC!! WE WOKE!

Going on at every company at the moment:

[filling out trouble ticket]

[tech calls later] Following up on your ticket.

Thank you.

What is the serial number and our inventory number?

The same one I put on the trouble ticket...

Was the error message for the same serial number?

Errr.... no. I selected the Q32 Explosive Space Modulator because it's the exact model. No idea where the different serial number came from.

What is the error message?

"The network can't see the Q32 Explosive Space Modulator." 

Funny - *I* can. It's right here on my desk. It says it's on the network. Perhaps the network needs glasses. Or aliens. Or Upper Manglement got rid of the network because it costs too much money, instead giving us cups and string.

TICKET CLOSED 

Small Books   

• Asian Giants of the NBA and NHL
• The Girls of the Brazilian Small Butt Bikini Team

We regret to inform you Earth will not be destroyed by an asteroid within 1,000 years

it's even money on aliens, though.

Actually, Earth has been quarantined by the aliens, so we don't spread through the cosmos like a virus. War, space junk, pollution, war, militarized land/sea/air/space, reality tv, politicians...... 

 

Abusing the Accordion

Your love is like  eating artificial sweetener with a spoon

TikTok spied on me. Why?

Because you logged on, stupid

Today I identify as   several of ABBA

Diet sodas are not actually good for your diet, WHO guidance suggests

Artificial sweeteners don't help control weight, and that's where the problems start.

Who didn't see this coming? Artificial sweeteners have been found to cause cancer, aside from the fact they taste like marinated excrement. The only problem here is that the news is from the WHO, which couldn't tell artificial sweetener from a table lamp.

Aerosmith opens its (first) farewell tour in Philly.

I don't want to say tickets are expensive, but Ticketmaster charges $15 to look for them.

Semi-official price chart:

Nosebleed seats: a mortgage payment  (for the year)

Second level: a small city

First level: keys to the treasury

Floor: (varies in proximity to stage) your house, your kids, all kids

VIP Meet and Greet with Steven Tyler's voicemail: the planet

I would like to apologize to all my readers. When I mentioned Real Housewives of New Jersey, I had no idea it was a real show. I should have known, though. I mean, it is pretty obvious to anyone from the east coast that New Jersey is the butt of every joke. Who knew that reality had jumped in front of the joke? Again, I apologize, and shall endeavor (endeavour in the UK and Namibia) to come up with a better butt of a joke than New Jersey. If at all possible.

 Googlers angry about CEO’s $226M pay after cuts in perks and 12,000 layoffs

People immediately took action, by making memes and posting them on social media.

If you're really upset at this, ignore your meme-making software and concentrate on not using Google for anything. No searches, no Gmail, removing it from your android phone. The less people use it, the less ad revenue Google gets. They also lose your private information. Hey, that's actual action! 

As for me, I don't care. He made a fortune by doing what he was hired to do. I've already divorced myself from Google. You can too.

Pregnancy may hamper bats’ ability to ‘see’ in the dark

I told you there was no reason to have kids, but did you listen?  

Martha Stewart, 81, becomes oldest Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover star

It's not April Fools day, so we need to figure out why...

• Sports Illustrated wants to hang it up and retire. This should guarantee no sales of any issue ever
• The SJWs have won and the rest of us need to leave the planet
• the publisher is one of those guys who gets off on naked great grandmothers
• the owner is getting a divorce and the company will go to his ex-wife
• the SJWs haven't thought this through
• Oh, the humanity...

Have you seen her on those kitty litter commercials? Have you heard her? If you just listen, she sounds like a man.

Way back on Mother's Day, the dog suggested I take her mother out for the day. This was more than magnanimous of her, because when Mommy isn't home, she stands there looking out the window and pining away for her.

We decided on a Quaint Weird Shopping Village. It was a magnificent day for anything (except shopping). We have different shopping 'styles.' I go in, fail to find what I want, ask an employee, who confirms they don't have it, then leave. SHE goes into the store and examines every item that looks even mildly interesting. Even if she can't identify it, it's worthy of investigation. This tends to not work out too well, in that I have the patience of a 2 week old infant. I know we're married, so I try my level best to be at least not shouting or rude. Sometimes I go outside, in search of air, or a chair. I thought this might subtly signal my impatience or need to see more than one store before the entire area closes. As always, this is way too subtle and has no effect at all. I wind up sitting there for 30 or 80 minutes, depending on sale items. Sometimes I'm not entirely certain she knows I left the store, even after I told her I was leaving the store. Aside from sitting alone, being pissed that I was sitting alone, I get to people watch. Yes, this is strange behavior from someone who actively dislikes people, but I apologize for nothing (and am always right). Because it was a lovely day out, it brought all sorts of people out, many who should have purchased a mirror and looked at it before they went out. We had our choice of overweight women in half shirts, with their gut hanging out, or overweight women with 3/4 shirt, with their gut hanging out. In trying to make this a positive, it was a GREAT day for Chubby Chasers. Then something weird happened... there were attractive women too. Women who could and should have worn belly shirts. Women who made even Mrs lefty compliment them. 

As I learned later, there were a lot of guys getting physically assaulted for looking at other women, specifically Mrs. lefty.  Even she doesn't believe she merits the attention. She's no longer 20, but it doesn't stop guys half her age from leaping to talk to her. And if there are any women checking me out (there aren't), I certainly wouldn't notice, but she is always kind enough to let me know. Just so long as it isn't guys checking me out. I don't care what anybody does in their own homes, but checking me out so obviously that even *I* notice it isn't where I'm looking to go. Mind you, Mrs. lefty is the first one to tell another woman she likes her shoes or dress. Something small like this can make somebody's day. She watched a mother debating whether the dress looked good with her daughter, then told Mom it looked great. Mom had a spring in her step. I'd be pretty worried if someone told me a dress looked good on me, but I'm a little weird.

The only thing this Quaint Shopping Village lacked was food. There were 2 theme restaurants that were notoriously expensive. I know if we went in, the complete screwing up of my order would make me (more) unpleasant, so we went elsewhere. Who needs to eat anyway? Eating is so overrated. Ok, another thing this place lacked was silence. Every store we went into had something objectionable emanating from overhead speakers. I asked Wife if saying '80s Rock was garbage' was being redundant. Of course there was the regular BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM music, then annoyingly bad soft rock. Even with her eclectic tastes, she was horrified. I walk around horrified by default, so there is never a doubt where I stand (if I can't find a bench). She  managed to find something to purchase in every one of the artisty stores. The entire area should have been called Nothing Under $10. Even sticky pads were $15. Cards were a week's salary, and shoes couldn't be purchased on any income below $200,000/year.

There was a pet accessory store. I knew it was going to be impossible but I asked if there were any English cocker baubles. The nice lady looked all over the place and declared there weren't. Funny. there were Cane Corso, Pugadoodle, Labricocker, and tons of other invented breeds represented in any coffee cup, towel, socks and balloons in the entire store.It was like shopping for a left handed guitar, but worse. I know we're doing it to ourselves. Marshall was a black cocker, and all cocker merchandise features tan cockers by law. Now we have a red English cocker, and even if we manage to find anything, it's black.

There were also actual real, moving dogs too. Apparently this place is very dog-friendly, so many brought their dogs. I would love to bring ours, but she has a certain issue that prevents this: the moment she sees another dog. she goes Cujo, barking, growling, snarling, and trying to eat it, no matter how huge it is. Sure - yet another member of the household who doesn't get along with their own species.

Speaking of not being able to find things, we looked at things with names on them. Mrs. lefty and lefty are both very common names, but not represented at all. There were a lot of names like Brandon, Brandoq, Aaliyahn, Tofetta, Britney, and Brynnie. I guess names have changed since we were born.

But it was a beautiful day, she loved her Mother's Day gifts, and we didn't even fight! 

*until we got home.

While resting and contemplating whether I needed to sleep, I got an email at 1am. It was from my doctor's practice, letting me know he was 'pursuing other opportunities.' Sunday night at 1am? I call shenanigans. Now I have to do Detective Work to find out where he went. Was he pursuing other medical opportunities, or taking the opportunity to stretch out his size 24 feet and go out as a clown in a traveling circus. This is really a burden on me... why didn't he think of ME before he turned tail and ran? Or was I the reason he ran? I tried not to unleash most of my delightfully evil qualities on him. He treated me well and even ordered prescriptions exactly when he said he would. Never even kept me waiting for my appointments. Maybe I just made him up in my head. Maybe I need to see a different kind of doctor. It's not like people haven't been telling me that for years.

1:00am email?

Language is always evolving, but apparently not fast enough in certain areas. Pronouns, while being insisted upon by some, haven't caught up to people with multiple personalities (they/them/y'all/yous?). Or transexuals (you knew it was inevitable). When you're talking about HER when SHE was a HE, how do you say it? Are there verbs? Adverbs? Proverbs? Actually there is a proverb: keep your mouth shut. I'm really bad with that one.  Let's say you have two friends who have transitioned from male to female. They eventually hook up and refer to themselves as lesbians. Is there any correct language for this, or do you simply stand there while your head explodes? Lets also state that both have retained their junk. The permutations are mind-boggling and until the language gets updated, I'm terrified to say anything. 

Of course that won't stop me.

A Putrid Fish Adagio

Your love is like  furry tomatoes

Anthropic’s Claude AI can now digest an entire book like The Great Gatsby in seconds

Critics ask why he'd want to.

Today I identify as  Ichabod Crane

HEY YOU 

Rhonda.... wtf?

We only got to communicate a few times, which was a blast.

Couldn't wait to meet you in person. If your SO said you were the Stuff<tm>, that was good enough for me. 

Your severe lack of presence is felt from one side to the other. I won't say it's your fault, though. Every now and then I give people a break.  It's not like stopping respiration goes unnoticed, you know. You probably don't know this yet(?) but I have to be nice to my readers, as there are so few of them. Unless I piss them off, then it's ok. All interactions indicated I hadn't (yet) managed to offend you. So don't run around being all dead and stuff on purpose, ok? Your new friends and family miss you... you left a lot in your wake.

Lastly, let me know if you can read this blog wherever it is you went, ok?

In the end, it's all about me anyway.

Love from the entire Thermionic Crew.

Toyota: Car location data of 2 million customers exposed for ten years

Didja know Toyota was tracking your Toyota?

This incident exposed the information of customers who used the company's T-Connect G-Link, G-Link Lite, or G-BOOK services between January 2, 2012, and April 17, 2023.

T-Connect is Toyota's in-car smart service for voice assistance, customer service support, car status and management, and on-road emergency help.

This has to be stopped, along with the stupidity of not securing data in the cloud. And of buying cars from companies that do this. It IS possible that spying was disclosed in privacy statement, but who wants to read all those words? You the consumer are responsible for your own rights - because no one else will guard them.

Austrian train plays Hitler speech over loudspeaker

Oh, those wacky nazis... always getting up to something. Stay tuned next week for another episode of the smash tv hit "That's Our Fuhrer", the story of the antics of good old Adolph. The new episode starts with Adolph and his buddy Gobbels getting caught in the janitor's closet. Hilarity ensues. That's Our Fuhrer, every Saturday on the neo-nazi network (NNN). Sponsored by SPAM - you never know what's in that stuff, and Fawlty Towers - don't mention the war.

Now that the Flying AIDS is officially Emergency Over, we'll need something new to panic and obsess over. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have it right here:

Drug-resistant ringworm reported in US for first time; community spread likely

• Smith, get all the governors together on closing down all businesses, except the ones we like to shop at. Make sure the strip joints are designated Essential.
• Williams, call the CDC, WHO, and the UN. Remind them not to agree on a single thing.
• I'll call Big Pharma. They don't always take calls because they're literally rolling around in millions of hundreds and thousand dollar bills.
• Greenstein, call the White House. Tell President Giveaway we'll need billions, plus more billions to bail out the drug companies when the results of their hidden studies get leaked.
• Brown, everybody trusts an honest man with some sort of medical credentials. Since we don't have one, dig up Fauci. We're definitely going to need him. 
• We'll tell everyone that it's transmitted by looking at it. That should start enough shit to get us moving. Don't worry - they'll believe anything we tell them.

Speaking of phones, I tend to keep them well past their expiration date. I'm not worried about the security implications - I always use condoms. But I'm coming up against a brick wall: I listen to things when I go to bed. Unfortunately, the earphone jack became like being with a promiscuous woman: a Volkswagen in a 4 car garage. So now the earphone plug just falls out. When that happens, the speaker comes back, and Mrs. lefty does not want to listen to anything when she goes to bed. G-Bus, this is pissing me off, much like everything else in life. I can't use BlueTooth headphones because it will fall out of my ear and into another dimension, requiring me to buy new ones every few days. I could fix the problem for many years by buying a new $1300 phone, but that idea is not appealing for some reason.  I like to buy good phone because of the performance, plus I keep them a long time, but that price is ridiculous. That's Guitar Money. I may have to go used. grumble. My carrier said if I upgrade my plan, they'll give me a free iPhone. I said I'd think about it if they gave me a real phone. And why upgrade my plan if I don't even use 1G of my 8G plan? Having no life has its advantages.

Bloody headphone jacks. I'm not opposed to opening the phone up, but I suspect you can't tighten the jack or buy a new one. Or solder a new one. I have no fear. Or common sense. Especially with a soldering iron in my hands [evil laughter]. Economically it seems a little lopsided... buying a $1300 phone because of a ten cent jack.

Speaking of blasted iPhones from work, they have no headphone jack, because Apple thought it would once again piss off its entire userbase and remove it. Of course that's not the way it happened. Apple decided there would be no headphone jack, and the customers rejoiced, holding their iDevices to the heavens, proclaiming it the greatest idea since potholes. Even though they had to get all new headphones, they bragged to the androiders that they had no headphone jack. The androiders, already used to the nonstop Smug from the iHoles, just shook their heads and showed them how their headphones plugged into the headphone jack on their phones. The iHoles snorted and walked away.

My work iDevice came with phones. Phones with the Apple connector on them (Thunder and Lightning?). Because they chose not to include a phone jack, I can't listen to music when the phone charges and vice-versa. Fortunately I don't listen to music on the work phone, but it's an irrationally silly idea. I also can't use the headphones with anything other than the work phone (and all my other Apple products).

While there is no question which is the better phone, android manufacturers are a stupid lot, with little to no creativity or imagination. If Apple's demo of the new phone fell on the floor, causing a diagonal crack from bottom to top, the next week Samsung would have a new Galaxy, with a diagonal crack from bottom to top. At that point, the iPeople would snort derisively, proclaiming they introduced the crack and the world followed them, as always. Apple actually believes this shit, but not all iPeople do.

How many of you have I pissed off with my undying admiration of all things Apple?

Is there anything else I can do to piss you off? The comments section remains unused.

Remote work comes with daytime drug and drinking habits

Oh great... I'm years behind on this. Can I give up Yoo Hoo for cocaine? Time will tell.

'Dystopian' new UK traffic cameras use AI to 'spy' on drivers inside their cars

The UK is good for one thing; Humor.

It is also good as a warning for the rest of the planet. The dystopian spying rights-eating nightmares always come to the UK first, as if trying it out for the other countries. Aside from that, it's a great place. If something were to happen to England, Marshall and Vox amplifiers would be no more. This alone should get the populace into action. But no, there's another episode of Strictly Come Dancing (Dancing with the Stars) and some Guinness at the pub.

It's a revenue generator to begin with. Then it's snooping into where it shouldn't be. Then it's an example to other authoritarian countries (Australia, the US, etc). We are the Four Eyes countries: we watch the other ones for neat ideas.

 But it's Blue... 

One year for Christmas Wife gave me a box with a ball-type thing, roughly the size of a basketball. It was obviously not designed for bouncing (which might've been fun!). It was crystal or ceramic or something. I'm not all that quick on the draw, so I stared at it a while, in total confusion.

Eventually Wife caught on that I had absolutely no idea what it was.

"It's a gazing ball," she told me, as if that cleared everything up, which is didn't.

"I got it because it was blue. I know you like blue," she said, as if that cleared up anything.

I continued my staring. Maybe it was one of those crystal balls that the old gypsy ladies look into to see your future. There's no way I was giving Wife $10,000 wrapped up in a cloth to grant me good luck. I've done this before, and I know it's a scam. I won't let her do it to me again.

So I continued to stare, then stared at her, as if this was going to help me understand. HA!

She took another moment to explain, like I was 5. Usually this helps. But no.

Finally she told me that it was a blue gazing ball, for outside.

Oh, that makes sense now (it didn't).

Aside from the fact I don't know what a gazing ball is and I don't go outside, it's perfect.

I asked her if it was for me still.

"Yes," she said, as if all questions were answered and I was both happy and grateful.

I did what came natural; I stared.

This was the final gift I ever got from anybody, because I told everybody, kindly, to not give me anything. Correct me if I'm mistaken, and it hasn't happened yet, but one buys a gift because the giftee will love it, hopefully thinking it's the greatest thing ever, thank you, they never would have thought of it themselves. Well... wtf could have been going through her head? I'd understand a single pack of guitar strings. I would enjoy them and they would be put to good use, even if it's a symbolic gift. It's well thought out, useful, and I'd save a trip to the guitar store. It takes into account what I love most, and should be somewhat obvious, especially given the guitars strewn all over the house. I thanked her for the gift and asked if it was like me giving her a guitar amplifier, as it's something I like and she doesn't play anything. She smiled and said that was fine. Since we're married, she completely failed to get the point.

But no, I got a gazing ball. A blue gazing ball. From my wife, who allegedly knows me. As my sole Christmas gift. To this day she still doesn't understand my reticence to do more than let it sit in its box somewhere, no less why I was somewhat agitated.

I have it on good authority the ball exists somewhere in the house, in its protective box.

I still don't understand it and continue to not want to 'use' it. Fast forward quite a number of years. While we're out browsing, I ask if this store has any gazing balls, just because I'm that way. She tells me no. Then she lets me in on a secret: she bought me the gazing ball because she wanted me to sit outside with her, and it was blue, a color I'd like, so I'd sit outside with her. It took this EIGHT years for her to bring this to light.

I stared.

So THAT was what this was all about.

I suspect it would have been much easier, less expensive, and more effective, if she just ASKED me to sit outside with her. The thought that buying me a present I didn't know about and never heard of and that it wouldn't serve its intended purpose never occurred to her. Since we're married, she completely failed to get the point. I decided not to push it any further, as I like my genitalia right where it is, thank you.

So to this day, nobody has to waste their time buying me generic cologne, sports equipment, sports memorabilia, shirts with sports equipment logos, tickets for sports events, a pencil sharpener, right handed mice, blank CDs in a size that hasn't existed since 1990, a computer tree ornament, a computer tree, a Smashing Pumpkins CD (or any of the other 17,263 bands I can't stand), sneakers with air in them, dark socks, more invitations to family and strangers' events, a Jimi Hendrix nose piercing ring, golf balls, or gazing balls - even the blue ones.

I went to visit a unicorn today; a shopping center with two guitar stores. Two large chain guitar stores.

I specifically wanted a certain pedal that I noticed recently. I even announced that there would be one there waiting for me. This would start the ball rolling, by putting my desire out into the universe, which would then provide it for me. It's the power of Attraction.

tl:dr   I went to 2 large guitar stores, walked out with nothing, but Wife managed to buy a few things.

Wife does not play guitar.

Instead of the power of Attraction, I have the power of Repulsion. I push things away. Family, equipment, readers, whatever...

I am Offended by Your Offense

Your love is like  deep fried pickle peanut butter

Porsche and BMW are working on integrating AI into their driving systems.

This project will take much longer than expected, when they discover how hard it is to teach computers to drive like assholes.

Today I identify as  a Tesla driver assist driver: I'm in the trunk

You know, I've been uneasy for years. No, not that way. Uneasy because the whole world is offended by something or other, but very little offends me (except houndstooth). I searched the ends of the earth for something that would sufficiently offend me, but the only thing I came up with is that there's no Left Handed History Month. Unfortunately we cannot generate enough guilt to get anything from it, so I remain unoffended.

Then it hit me: I *am* offended by something. It was so close I couldn't see it. I am offended by your offense! Whenever someone, like SJWs, starts whining and getting offended, I am offended by it! I feel like a true citizen of the world now. The only thing I haven't done is sued anybody. If I don't get on this, I might lose my American citizenship, even though I was born here.

TIME 

Sometimes it's a song by Pink Floyd (a 1920s gay gangster). 

Or a song by the Alan Parsons Project (that could bore you to a slow, lingering death). 

It could be time for a change.

Time for napping.

Time for ice cream.

Time for boom-boom!

Time goes on (or so they say).

When it's feeling way too organized, time marches on.

Time screams when you wake up 5 minutes before the alarm.

Sometimes time stampedes, like a particularly deadly Who concert in Ohio.

If you're waiting for your paycheck or a hot date, time crawls.

If the IRS is involved, there is no time.

But the absolute longest period of time is when you're waiting for quitting time at work.

Honey, I'm feeling frisky - let's go get naked.

I can't.

Why not?

The battery in the phone is low and we won't be able to video ourselves.

Oh. Good night then.

Good night.

I am writing today from the hospital. Don't worry - I have a few posts in the can so no one will miss out.

Why am I in the hospital? Why did you ask? You didn't?

It goes like this: as you know, I was one of the kids who couldn't shut up in class. It did not translate well to (alleged) adulthood, nor did the meds work. So I don't always read the whole sentence. Or even more than a word or 2. It bit me this morning. My coffee creamer has this nice blue container, from which comes the french vanilla goodness that helps the morning get started. As it turns out, Carnation also uses this shade of blue on another flavor: coconut cream. Guess what I did? Guess how long it took the ambulance to arrive? They came faster when I said 'coconut'. 

At first the emergency room docs didn't think I was going to make it. It was the worst case of coconut creamer they had ever seen. I begged them to try harder - ThermionicEmissions must go on!  It turned out some of them are readers, so I lived. It's a good thing I got poisoned when I did... if it happened an hour earlier, I'd have gotten the doctor who tried to read ThermionicEmissions but hated it. I'd have died in the E/R.  So I just have to rest for a few weeks. The doctors told me I am not even to read the word 'coconut' or I could suffer a relapse. Oops.

Know what would be bad?

Being an astronaut and going to Mars, then finding out you've been fired. Or there's no money in the budget to get you back to Earth because NASA administrators bought an island for themselves. It's ok, though; you just found out you could grow Brussels sprouts in the Martian soil.

Headline: First Suicides on Mars

Those telehealth appointments... I don't like them. I don't necessarily need to see my doctor in person - he's not my type, but what's really embarrassing are the rectal exams.

MOW 

If you've read any of this blog, you know I like to mow about as much as Jews like nazis. What's worse is that the fscking grass grows back in a week. Correction: the weeds grow back. Whatever they are, they grow like weeds... well... you get the point. This sets off  my Mowing PTSD, as well as Wife's terror that the neighbors will see the weeds getting so high, they hide the dog. I will not mow weekly and have a doctor's note to that effect. I also have a doctor's note so I don't have to use iDevices at work. but that didn't go so well. So We settled on every 2 weeks. Or rather, SHE settled on every 2 weeks. I fight tooth and nail to avoid it. Then she threatens to withhold things... like cooking and shopping and laundry. So I run out of excuses and have to mow.

She purchased some sort of industrial blue electric mowing thing for me. When I say 'for me,' it  makes me nervous and pissed. I want her to purchase guitars for me, not a fscking mower. Blue is nice, but it does nothing to change the fact that it's a mower. It's electric, so it makes me feel good that I'm not causing a hole above the house, even though the electricity to charge it way offsets the gain from not using gasoline. Regular mowers use those 12v or 24v batteries. Because this is a mower that can do a football field, it uses 48volts.  That's a lot of responsibility, especially for someone who hates mowers like the pope hates the rest of humanity. Oh yeah, it also has a Blue Lever<tm>. Being the curious sort, I pulled the Blue Lever<tm> and the mower SHOT FORWARD on its own, nearly mowing down the shed and a few smaller children. There are so many children around, I figure no one will miss a few. The problem here, aside from me having to use the infernal device, is that it will go, but will not go by itself, so I can sit on the sofa in peace. Or pieces, depending on how much grass I temporarily knock down mow.

There are robo-mowers, like those stupid robo house vacuums, but the yard is so weird, it will burn out its own cpu just thinking about it. So I need to stand behind and move with the fscker. Being smart (the mower, not me) it won't start if it's on tall grass. This caused a bit of Language before I figured it out. The robo feature is actually kinda cool, especially going up hills. Wife was most impressed. Because it is a robo, it undoubtedly cost waaaay more than it should have, but she 'got it on sale.'  I'm only slightly aware of how this works... a plain old mower might be $200. A riding mower would be a few mortgage payments. A robo-mower might have been $500, but she got it on 'sale,' meaning $400. So because of the 'sale,' we spent $400 instead of $200. This is some sort of Shoe Logic<tm>, by which she purchases a lot of shoes because they were 'on sale.' Like all husbands, I try to explain that 'on sale' does not mean 'saving money,' it means paying less (or more, in her case). 

So I mowed.

Ugh.

I remembered something the doctor said, when he was giving me no-iDevice notes: most heart attacks come when (from) shoveling snow, because people overdo it. Mowing is just the summer equivalent of shoveling snow. People who make a life sitting on the couch should not progress directly to shoveling (or, heaven forbid, mowing). There should be some sort of intermediate activity, like standing and walking (to the kitchen for a Yoo Hoo). Or standing, walking out the door, and sitting on the steps. One must approach this carefully, lest a heart attack (or worse, mowing) occur. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I sit. A lot. The couch has actually molded itself around my buttocks. It's comfy - a safe feeling, like Wife sitting on my lap, or a naked Hadid. So for me to actually stand, get the mower, plug in the batteries, only to find they're not charged, and scream a bit is taxing, both physically and mentally. I constantly tell Wife that she's going to be the cause of my heart attack (like most me, I guess) and will have to live with me being a vegetable, something I hate, or dead. Then who will mow the lawn? 

At least I can listen to music.

Oops, no I can't - the headphones keep falling out of the headphone jack, as mentioned earlier, so no music. It was such a small thing, listening to my tunes while doing something I like as much as President Giveaway likes taking down the debt. But I have Unrealistic Expectations, or so I'm told. 

So I mowed.

I have nothing nice to say about the experience, like everyone says after paying taxes. My mother told me "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything," then she was surprised that I did't speak til I was 19.  It's not like I'm getting older, but the mower got heavier and harder to use as I went on. After I shut it off, the drag to its resting place (not its final resting place, unfortunately) was painful and interminable. Only when I turned around did I notice why it was so painful: it had become attached to 8 feet of branches and various species of Yard Flora. If I had had to drag it another foot, Wife would have found my body the next day (or the next week), if she missed me (a real long shot). They say the Walk of Shame is the hardest thing women have to do, but the longest and most painful thing for men is the House Walk, which is the walk from the mower to the house. It may only be 20' (3 grams Canadian), but to us, it's a mile and a half of pain and sweat. It is then that you figure out why people say not to wear black in the summer. But everything I have is black. Once safely back in the house, it's 2 hours of showering with my clothes on. I have to keep my clothes on, because after 10 minutes (3 grams Canadian), the hot water runs out. And because of the shame. If I don't shower immediately, I sit there, praying to the industrial fan (she buys nothing small, but it was on sale) for an hour or two, until I stop dripping and the Yoo Hoo is gone. The whole case. Every now and then I check the heart monitor, to make sure I'm not having a Cardiac Event, as if I were shoveling snow (or mowing). My last Cardiac Event was catered, and people are still talking about it.

So that's it (for another 2 weeks) -(3 grams Canadian).

Apropos of nothing, I finally bought myself a Christmas present. One I could use. Something cheap. A nose hair trimmer. It's the most useful (and fascinating) thing I've gotten in years. It started out as a joke for my BFF, who's older than me. But it actually works. I turn it on, start sawing away, enjoy the noise and smoke, and spend most of my time wondering where the tiny little hairs go after they get reduced in length. I'm very easily amused, if you couldn't tell.

• If you need to feel old for some reason, adult star Gauge is 41.

Ten Years Gone 

My favorite Led Zeppelin song.

Robert Plant said it was written to remind you to love someone because they could be gone at any time.

At this point, it's over 15 years since you left.

We were all shocked beyond belief.

It was your favorite song to try to play on the guitar. You'd play it over and over (and over), annoying the hell out of your friends and anyone who happened to be within range. To your credit, it's not a very easy song to play, and you'd keep at it til you had it down.

We still think of you all the time. I feel terrible I was out of touch- like that would have made any difference. I hope, in whatever way, we meet again.

- Ten Years Gone, Holdin' On, Singing Songs

This burger continues to have no burger

Last week or so, I wrote up yet another Fast Food Screed, after a Fast Food Fsck at Wendy's.

Wife says bacon cheeseburger with nothing but pickles. 

I got a bacon cheeseburger with everything, including MAYONNAISE. Not only does NOTHING BUT PICKLES mean no mayonnaise, but there should NEVER be mayonnaise on my burger (you do whatever you want). To put the cherry on the burger, the pickles were wrong. Every single pickle I have ever had on a burger was the same - a sweet-ish pickle. This particular pickle was sour-ish. Not only do they have different pickles than every other burger joint, they have different pickles than every other Wendy's.

The pickles were symbolic. Really? Yes, symbolic of the service we get everywhere we go.

One of the problems is that you have to hire adults or children with a great work ethic. Neither of these are available in my area, so they hire kids with whatever psychological disorder that makes people screw up everything you tell them. Occam's Razor (the simplest answer is usually the right one) would identify this as stupidity, not a psych disorder. So old Occam knows these stores aren't paying much and are hiring blithering idiots. 

But wait.... we're not done.

She came home with 2 large sodas. Oh dear, they taste like poop - what are they?

Coke is on strike. WHAT?

Yeah, Coke is on strike.

Why?

Because they have unions. They are the cause of all strikes.

Good point.

So they only had the dregs left - the Coke that nobody drinks: cherry and vanilla.

ACK! I love vanilla, but not in my Coke.

I'm starting to wonder if there's any point in going back to Wendy's - the only fast food I can tolerate.

Or any place that sells things.

I suppose I could saunter in with a gun. I wonder if, seeing this, their accuracy would improve. 

Nah.

It's not like I want to rob the place. I just want what I ordered. I know, I know... ridiculously high expectations that could never be met.

Go ahead and ask the question I didn't..... YES, her order was 100% correct. Only mine was out in space, having been hit with the Stupid Ray<tm>.

As we ate the (alleged) burgers, Wife looked at me and said, "You're composing the blog in your head, aren't you?"  She gets me.

The Fish Gardener

Your love is like  watching game shows from the 1970s, on 1 of 3 game show channels

Public Service Recognition Week

We all owe a debt of gratitude to the people who work so hard for the public.

You're probably asking yourself how I can possibly type while convulsing with laughter.

I sure as hell wouldn't service the public.

Ok, some of the public.

Today I identify as  a chainsaw

Yes, I have a little difficulty concentrating, like the pope has a little difficulty not being Catholic.

This was made more apparent by an 11am meeting. Coincident with that would be the tree company, complete with chainsaws. Just to make things more interesting, the dog kept barking at the guys or the chainsaw (I never asked which). I was thinking of unmuting my mic during the meeting, just to let them enjoy Symphony for Chainsaw and Dog, but I was way over-quota for meeting interruptions. 

The new project is coming along nicely, but I had a suggestion: we're buying software that costs a lot of money, why shouldn't we benefit a little from it? I don't ask for a lot - how about a small kickback? All of our meetings should have ice cream. They can ship it out in advance, with dry ice, like the Omaha Steaks people do. It would arrive on the morning of each meeting. Or a few gallons per month and we can each eat the entire gallon at once divide it as we see fit.

I don't think that's unreasonable.

Meanwhile, the tree guys were here to take down a tree (no, really?).

The tree has stayed up for quite a while because it's still trying to decide what's going to kill it: gravity, 20 different kinds of carpenter bugs, or falling away limb by limb. 

While they're finishing, I had a chat with Wife:

Ummm.... this tree removal thing....

Yes? 

It will make things hotter in the summer, right?

Yeah.

And it will make the grass grow faster.

Yup.

Go outside and tell them to put it back.

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: Good morning. How are you?

Her: All that sleeping in my bed makes me tired.

Me: Don't you mean my bed?

Her: You keep on believing that. As long as Mommy is sleeping, it's my bed too.

Me: I see.

Her: Did I mention I sleep on your pillow when you're working? By the way, my sleep number is lower than yours - would you mind readjusting the bed for me?

Elon Musk teases free Tesla FSD trial in North America

Uh-oh.

There are 3 types of Tesla drivers

1. buys a Tesla and drives it
2. thinks Driver Assist allows you to snooze in the back seat
3. foolish enough to test Full Self Driving

Let's be honest: like Windows, we are all Tesla's beta testers. Sometimes alpha testers.

Teslas have a propensity to crash into things when the car drives.

Teslas have a propensity to spontaneously combust, the steering wheel can fall off, and the rear seat can turn into an ejector seat without notice.

With all that considered, would you want to test FSD?

[sane people who don't own a Tesla] Are you f-ing kidding me?

[Tesla owners] Sure! Possible death from fire, crash, or ejection makes life exciting!

Little do the owners know, the feature is free while you're testing it. After, Musk will announce the $25,000 price for the FSD option. Testers will get a free Twitter account and a hand drawn certificate, in crayon.  "Official Beta Tester"

Earth Could Soon Be More Detectable by Aliens, Study Says

Yes, I'm certain scientists have studied alien technology to make this assertion.

We smart people, who wear alien hats in public, know they can simply blip in and out at will. Of course they know about Earth.We have the best anuses to probe within 20 light years.

Of course Russia's ex-space boss doesn't believe US set foot on the Moon 

The interview took place at the Russian Hospital for the Astronautically Insane.

He also believes Moe, Larry, and Curly were the lone gunman, Elvis was gay, and the Earth is not flat - it's octagonal. 

T-Mobile discloses 2nd data breach of 2023, this one leaking account PINs and more

That's just 2023.

T-Mobile is very sorry again, and in compensation, will only raise rates 15% this year.

Going forth, T-Mobile asks that everybody put their private information into their special Open Cloud server. The server is already open to the entire internet, so T-Mobile will not suffer another breach.

Let's Just Get Naked

-Joan Osborn

Google will retire Chrome’s HTTPS padlock icon because no one knows what it means

Citizens of Earth: we have studied you and came to the conclusion that you're not worth invading.

--- the Aliens

Thousands of unknown viruses discovered in baby poo—and that’s not bad news

Unless you're the one who had to do the study....

Ron DeSantis is About To Expand Florida’s 'Don’t Say Gay' Law

Students in Florida won't legally be able to learn about gender and sexual orientation until the 9th grade.

DeSantis, a favorite republican for the presidential nomination, aims to call the new law "Kill them faggots".

DeSantis is working on his presidential platform, but we got an advance copy

• schools teaching sex will be bombed from helicopters with the AIDS virus.
• the only available sex education is that babies are delivered by the stork, but it is not to be taught until 12th grade
• anything that happens in DeSantis' home or office will be ignored, especially if it involves little boys or homosexual activity
• If you want to contribute huge amounts to his election campaign, drop it with Louie, out back of the office. Your contribution will never be made public.
• all contributions from religious organizations can be made Sundays, when Louie will be outside, in back of church.
• Bring prayer back to school, so we won't get more of those godless commies
• redefine Assisted Suicide to mean 'shooting a person from LGBTQ+ organizations'

May was Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month

The tension between these two groups has built over the years, and is heading toward the boiling point. Each side is now demanding their own month. The White House is in a panic. President Biden was aghast when an advisor advised him that no amount of tax dollars would fix this. Kamilla said there is room for everyone at the table, but black people must be seated first. The Government Accounting Office went over the figures and determined there are no months left over. So either the two groups would have to learn to live together, or the US would vote on adding a 13th month to the year. Biden thought this was a tremendous idea, because it could be December and January at the same time, just like in his world.

In an attempt to bring the two sides together, they dug up Henry Kissinger. This was a surprise to Henry, who didn't know he was dead. Despite months of intensive negotiations, no progress was made. As Biden was talking about this to his family, his great great great grandson, Johnny (6), suggested they each get half of the month. This was hailed as the greatest feat of diplomacy since Dennis Rodman went to North Korea. Everybody was ready for celebration, which lasted 13 seconds until the war for who got the first half of the month started. Rodman got a sex change (nobody know which), Kissinger finally died (of embarrassment), and Biden ran for his 3rd term. As Wonder Woman.

Still no left handed history month.

Mr. President - we have to do something about the debt