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Betcha didn't know GPT could write this flawlessly. Or this flaw-ful.

Pennsylvanians, your government workers are now powered by ChatGPT

This experiment will fail, miserably and expensively, when they discover they can't train it to be lazy, incompetent, and rude.

 

Wimbledon: Electric double-decker bus catches fire during rush hour

Betcha didn't know Tesla made buses...

 

'A mouse for your mouth': New device allows users to scroll with their tongues

If you see an attractive person, your tongue rolls and deletes the entire page. And who could possibly argue with a transmitter that sits on your tongue. Tongue cancer, anyone? 

 

Plastic is everywhere, including in our food and bottled water

hmmmm..... 2 dogs with cancer. We couldn't possibly be causing our own problems, could we? Cancer, Alzheimer's, whatever else.....

 

US verges on vaccination tipping point, faces thousands of needless deaths: FDA

Isn't that interesting. The FDA complains about what it hath wrought...

 

Julia Roberts says she has made the choice not to do nude scenes

I know nothing about movie-making, but I don't believe Julia has to make declarations like this. She's high enough up the food chain that she either won't be asked, or can just laugh it away. Now we'll have to count on deepfakes....

President Giveaway struck again, with $632 million for electric vehicle charging. When asked for comment, Biden said, "My only regret is that I cannot give them more."

Dear taxpayers: you should feel good, deep in your heart, that you have done your American duty to help the auto manufacturers, banks, electric vehicle manufacturers, cable companies, chip companies, Big Pharma, IRS, and most everybody else who asked for it. Except you. If the government took less of our money, we wouldn't have to bail ourselves out...

It's great to no longer be sick. Nothing is blurry and nothing floats around when I look at it. Aside from a tendency to trip (fairly normal), I feel good. No fever, no seeing things, no strange desire to watch sports.

Speaking of sports, we got our invite to a Superbowl party. Now I have to figure out when that is. This year I thought of bringing a tablet and watching tv or reading. Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way; many also don't watch the game. Football's the one with the horses, right? Last year I suggested Dancing Girls, but the host's wife has no sense of humor. I bet if I suggested Dancing Guys, she'd be all for it. I know his neighbors better than I know mine. And no kids.

Speaking of no kids, that's why our 'hood works out so well. I'm not sure if there are any children under 13. No noise, except the constant racket of construction when I have a conference. Anyway... our newest nextdoor neighbor has gone on the 9 Month Rapid Weight Gain diet. Yes, she got knocked up. One day she was moving in, the next she was the size of her Toyota. And even I know it's not polite to ask the large woman if she's expecting. Or if she's just FAT. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this means an infant. Infants make noise. That will spoil the entire fung shwing of the neighborhood. Unless they have one of those joyful quiet infants that turn into joyful quiet children. Since there are no others, they'll have to leave the hood to find more bouncing bundles of joy [NOTE: they do NOT bounce. Don't ask]. 

Of course we'll have to provide a present. This is pretty far our of my wheelhouse; fortunately Wife likes children. I suggested one of those things you put in their mouth to keep them quiet, but with some glue so it won't come out. A Johnny Automatic Weapon kit for when the little bugger gets older. Bag-O-Blades, a Harley, the Pill for his mommy (and daddy), and maybe a needlepoint that says, "Welcome to the end of sleep as you know it. For 18 years." Ain't it a good thing I don't have kids? There are several groups of concerned citizens which are actively interested in me not reproducing. My contraception was always free (and encouraged). I'd be out on a date, things were getting hot and heavy, then some complete stranger would pop up and hand me a condom. It was the strangest thing....

Speaking of sick, I got into bed the other night and immediately smelled something FOUL. It smelled like one of the other bed occupants (Wife, dog) threw up. But they're both pretty good about cleaning it up (oof). I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't stand it anymore. I moved the covers and boom - a piece of Wife's XXX Provolone fell on me. Well, that explains the smell....  both Wife and dog eat it. I always seem to be downwind from it.

Nobody saw it coming: George Carlin has been brought back to life by AI. The new special is called I'm Glad I'm Dead. Nobody was more surprised than George, except possibly his daughter, Kelly, who is shocked and outraged. One of the people responsible, Will Sasso, says it's an impersonation of his voice and material. I think Will's funny, but this is not. Kelly suggests that if anybody wants to see George, there are many existing specials all over the place. I tend to agree.

George was an American treasure, who worked diligently on his art, from when tv was black and white. He was hysterical. Back when records were popular (the first time), we'd gather and listen to his records. To this day we quote him.

I'm a Sick Fsck

That's what she said.

And she meant it in a most literary sense.

To say my sleep has been highly interrupted for the last 3 days would be like saying Rob Reiner doesn't like Donald Trump.

I have a fever. I have what Wife calls 'The Hot-Colds," which is pretty much what it sounds like; one minute I'm sweating, the next I'm freezing. It's not to say this is serious, but even my arm hair hurts. My head feels like it's currently in one of Uncle Fester's Rotator C-Clamps but I can't see the clamps. I have been trying to sleep with 4 blankets, but it's too cold for that. The dog has been helping by walking on my chest and pooping on the floor.

Last night I couldn't stay awake after 9:30 so I went to bed. I have never gone to bed at 9:30, so just out of spite, I woke up 5 hours later, as if the alarm had gone off, with no interest or ability to sleep anymore. My body laughed quietly. My body is revolting, which she also said.

Wife sometimes gets jealous when I'm sick, so she's sick too. She only requires 1 blanket.

They (they who?) tell me to emphasize the positive, so I'll tell you that ibuprofen is a minor miracle. If I remember to take it, I only feel horrible! This is a great improvement for me.

Work said to feel better, but I had to be online today for a presentation. I told everyone I was sick, they should move back from their monitors so they wouldn't get it.

Because of where I work, the presentation was on software that's nowhere near functional and that most of us haven't used or can't even log into. But boy did we baffle them with BS. Most importantly, the slides were colorful. If you get the right blink rate, you can keep them hypnotized until you're done. It helps cut down on questions.

I have to go now. Typing is making way too much noise.

Superconductive Hysteresis Loops in Crunchberries

Yeah, let's talk about superconductive hysteresis loops.

You start - I have no idea what they are.

Friends are vacationing in Asia. They're eating lots of insects, apparently on purpose. These folks have to have certain toppings on pizza or they won't eat it. Certain brands of jelly for their PB&J sandwiches. So in addition to hearing crickets, they're eating them. Maybe being in Asia does something to their minds (or stomachs). I performed some scholarly research on this. 

• Formicophilia is liking being crawled on by insects, although I'm looking for crawling down the GI tract.
• Cnidophilia: fondness of stings
• Entomophobic: fear of eating insects
• Ok, I found it.. anthropo-entomophagy. It would probably be entomophilia if it produced a sexual thrill.
• My favorite: coitophilia: fondness of coitus. Isn't that called Normal? Even for married guys?

Two companies are selling Moon burials for your ashes. Nothing thus far on live burials.

Naturally there are complaints, sure as there is air (or isn't, in the case of the Moon). This time it's the Navajo, who hold the Moon as sacred, so any burial desecrates the Moon, even non-Navajo. The companies will continue, giving the Single Finger Salute to the Navajo. Tough call. I'd have to go with the burial companies... we screw up and pollute everything we touch; the Moon is the obvious extension.

This is why the aliens are pissed at us.

Speaking of aliens, it turns out the mystery has been solved! 25 years ago, the aliens landed, learned the language, and have been living among humans. We are unaware of this because they're in Scotland, where nobody can understand either of them.

Experimental antibiotic kills deadly superbug, opens whole new class of drugs

Pfizer doing the Happy Dance<tm> 

 I don't like touchscreen typing, even after all these years. This was brought home after finding some of my old phones with real honest-to-goodness tactile keyboards. I long for the mechanical feedback of my old Crackberry and Treos. Somebody came out with a very interesting case for iPhones that has a keyboard at the bottom. But that's for iPhones. ThermionicEmissions is strictly an android shop. I still start to burn and smoke when I walk by an Apple store. The smell is horrendous.

Speaking of nostalgia, the endless stream of it is amusing and confusing. You can now spend tens of thousands of dollars on ancient video games and players. A couple of automobiles are patterned after muscle cars, although they fail. I want a car just like a 1980 Cadillac, a 1990 Town Car, and a 1975 Station wagon, complete with Real Imitation Woodgrain paneling on the sides. People who used to drive them and people who saw them call them Land Yachts, and they were the most comfortable cars to drive and passenge. We do not have a comfortable car anymore. I do not want a BMW or Mercedes - they may handle well, but they ride like crap.

It worse in the UK, where everybody drives these tiny little death traps, which make my Hyundai like like a full size limousine. What's worse, many of their transmissions expect the driver to shift their gears. I dunno about you, but I am secure enough in my manhood that I don't need to shift gears all the time; I prefer to let the expert (the transmission) shift the gears for me. Yes, I have driven manual transmissions, but I think they should be made illegal, except on some trucks. If you keep the manual transmission on tractors, you add a whole new dimension to Drunk Tractor Driving, the state sport of Kentucky.

The IRS is testing an online tax submission program in 0 states. The main opposition comes from... wait for it.... Intuit (maker of TurboTax). I think credit should be given where it's due - to the IRS. They barely have time to wallow around in the $80 billion gift from President Giveaway.  The IRS should be shut down; this alone should get people to vote libertarian.

I'm minding my own business in my office, when the dog walks by with something large and brownish. It's always a good thing to catch up with her to see what she has this time. This time it was a piece of rye toast, with butter. Rye toast. What use could a dog possibly have for rye toast? When she manages to snatch a burger, she leaves the bread; she's not into carbohydrates. Yet she's carrying around rye toast. 

It makes one curious about how things went in ancient times, when dogs were wolves. They were carnivores. Know why? Because when the male wolves went out and hunted, the female wolves could not bake bread and after that, could not toast it.  Dogs would never have evolved if wolves had to argue about what to put on they rye toast: butter, margarine, real imitation butter-like substance, jelly, jam, preserves, peanut butter, or leg of yak. 

After all this careful thought I put into the matter, she took 2 bites and left it on the floor. This must be what it's like to have kids.... constantly running around, picking up their partially used food and toys. I maintain my dog is cuter than a kid and causes less damage.

I'm, Like, Crushing it All Day Long

You probably heard that idiotic phrase on a CBD commercial, or from your slow teenage daughter.

Watching the commercial is the closest I've come to CBD, not to mention the closest I want to come.

If one believes the commercial, CBD slows you down, perks you up, sharpens you, dulls you, takes away pain, and gives you the energy to go out and get some more pain.

That's a lot of results (most of them contrary). The more thoughtful of you, with more than 2 live brain cells, as opposed to the commercial's target audience, wonder how the drug can sharpen AND dull you. There is no answer, unless you just take the commercial on faith. Ask Jim and Tammy Bakker about faith.

I'm sure there are no side effects, or maybe they forgot to mention them. Can you imagine what they'd be?

Don't take CBD if you're allergic to CBD. Side effects can include flipping off police, going to jail, waking up in strange dryers, saying "Wow, man" a lot, spitting out your pancreas, and constantly losing the CBD container. Don't take CBD if work tests your urine or if you just like to play with urine. WARNING: if you spill CBD on your clothes, do not eat them or try to shove them up your nose. Come to think of it, try shoving your clothes up your nose - you looking stupid really amuses us.

Words Mean Nothing

One of the things about the English language is that it drives everyone else crazy. Just try learning English. Go ahead - try. In fact, it would benefit you to learn English, especially if you were born here.

Police Division

• Calm down (sometimes used with Relax): these words mean less than nothing, especially if spoken to an agitated person (or any woman)
• Stop resisting: these words are spoken by police. They mean "You're going to get a beating," or "Stop moving around while you're getting your beating."
• I promise: this actually means "I swear." "Officer, I promise you I didn't shoot those puppies."

Retail Division

• 20% off
• on sale
• Black Friday
• gets out all stains
• tastes better than the other laundry pods

Meet ‘Link History,’ Facebook’s New Way to Track the Websites You Visit

Not having a Faceyspaces account is killing me. You are automatically opted-IN, you have to opt-OUT. Better yet, opt-OUT of Faceyspaces.

How watching beavers from space can help drought-ridden areas bounce back

BEAVERS FROM SPACE!

 

Fetuses make a protein that causes morning sickness in pregnancy

Your fetus wants to kill you. Do the right thing and stop making them.

FDA would like to stop finding Viagra in supplements sold on Amazon

For sake of clarity and accuracy, this is only if you go to Amazon and order "Big Guys Male Energy Supplement."  So don't do that, ok?

 

Google agrees to settle Chrome incognito mode class action lawsuit

What does this mean? It means evil lying Google tracked you while you were in incognito mode. Use Firefox or the open source Chromium.

Big Pharma to raise US list prices of 500 drugs in January: Report

The hikes come as drug makers face new federal rules to try to drag down prices.

So. Much. Material. Here.

 

Does Duct Tape work in Space?

We just passed New Years day. For the somewhat impaired, this means we passed New Years eve.

We were invited to the normal place for NYE. Have you ever had to go somewhere and while getting ready, realized you'd be much happier not going? Maybe boiling your hands in some water or shaving your own ass? That didn't happen to us. Instead, we just sat there and stared, realizing that to go to the party, we'd actually have to get off the couch and move. This is easier said than done. We knew we'd have a good time, but staying seated seemed like a lovely idea.

Mrs. lefty, not a girly girl, said she'd be ready shortly. Apparently Mrs. lefty had transitioned into a girly girl,  because shortly turned out to be 45 minutes. I kept wanting to point out that we were already 2 hours late, but I like my reproductive bits.

Finally on the road, we began our game of pissing off every other driver on the highway, by only doing 20mph over the speed limit. There was honking, there were fingers raised in salute, there was laughing. We noticed that there was little traffic, both ways. Like everything else, people were probably celebrating online, maybe over at Amazon. Or we hadn't driven close to any bars.

At the party, the poor host probably got tired of people asking, "What's THAT?" after I walked away. The food was smashing: we bought Death by Chocolate cake, and most of the rest of people bought cannolis. What are the odds that most of the guests would bring the same thing, no less the same thing being cannolis. When does 'cannoli' pop into your head? Was there a sale on cannolis at every store? I'm not complaining - I like cannolis. It's one of the few cheeses I eat, probably due to sugar content. Everything I eat is due to sugar content, especially drinks. I drink like a girl when I drink. Get me a frozen strawberry margarita and I'm happy as a Biden after a nappy.

While we contemplated cannolis and the imminent fall of the ball, I asked Wife about the traditional Midnight Kiss. She said yes. I asked where. She said lips. I asked which. She said northern. So it was going to be that kind of new year. And, true to form, the lefty Show was off on its New Year's day. My first 3 transactions failed: I couldn't get a receipt for gas, couldn't get an advertised milkshake at a convenience store, then couldn't replace it with the candy bar I wanted. Seems like I was starting things off right.

Happy New Year, dear folks.

Resolutions are a sticky subject, as no one in the history of the world has ever kept one, especially the ones with 'weight' in the title. I don't even bother making them, because I'm just setting myself up for failure and I do enough of that already. OK, the truth is that I won't remember making them on January 2. I might not even remember them next December. So why bother? But since this is my blog, it is incumbent on me to come up with a few, off the top of my balding pate...

• grow my hair back, everywhere except the ears
• continue to not see the dentist, with no ill effects, in spite of their pleading text messages and calls
• keep everybody well, including the 4 legged one
• spur world peace
• get work to stop with the constant meetings
• get companies to stop with the constant billing me
• grow a few inches (vertically, at first)
• stop the use of 'super' (that was super cool)
• replace Jeff Beck as World Guitar God

I don't find a single one of them ridiculous or unattainable, provided I can remember I made them.

2024 will, by virtue of being a new year, have to be better than 2023. Yes, I'll have to spend a few months getting used to writing 2024. 2023 was just shit. Losing Jeff Beck is still a shock to me. He's been my idol since the 80s... we were deprived of further joy by bacterial meningitis. His musical legend will never die.

Oh yeah, my mom died also (cue wise remarks about my priorities). I am deprived of further joy by Alzheimer's.

I spent the great majority of my life trying to be independent, starting as a child. The other day I watched a child go to his mother for comfort.  I'd love to have that chance again. Bring independent, I'd never take it, but knowing it was available would be comforting.

As forced vacations go, this was the least horrific of them. In fact, I have to go back to work, like the rest of you. Yes, I could take more vacation days, but I'm told it doesn't look good taking January off. So I sat there, watching each hour go by, thinking of what I failed to accomplish on said vacation, and thinking of the joys awaiting me upon returning to work.

• BATMAN - Men in Tights

Reindeer can sleep while they chew

So can Congress, if you can catch them in office.

 

Put the Kids in the Toaster - Americans Idle is on!

So yeah, I'm almost barely continuing to try to enjoy my forced vacation. For you down south, I'm fixin ta enjoy mah vacation. One part of any vacation I'm totally behind is sleep. In fact, it could be said that I'm behind sleep all the time, especially when awake. Naturally that was not to be this morning, when I was exposed to the first performance of Concerto for Trash Can and Concrete.... 

As anyone who has read this blog knows, I'm not exactly a fan of classical music. It's not that I actively don't like it... moreso that I don't hear it often, then don't like what I hear. Now that I have experienced more of it, I can appreciate the highs and lows, the subtle differences, and the different movements. For instance, at 8:00 this morning, I heard the subtle prelude to Concerto, which was a rake moving slowly across concrete. Repeatedly. Toward the end of this prelude, the rake was joined by wheeled and hurled metal cans. These were not the 3' tall trash cans, no sir; that's for the radio version. These were taller than the average neighbor, who had to move them to the curb, slowly and noisily, with the added thrill of falling down on top and bottom of them. 

I am thankful that I slept horribly, lest I would have missed this symphony of life. I might have slept through a defining piece of my own musical growth. Why was I half awake, you ask? "Wife," I answer. Wife had to rise at 6:30 for reasons even she didn't understand. This causes a chain collision, with her getting herself up every hour so she doesn't miss the alarm. In bed. Out of bed. In bed with potato chips. Out of bed. By the time the alarm goes off, she is way too tired from being up every hour and sleeps right through it. Added to this is the idea (incorrect, mind you) that because I sleep through the dog sitting on my chest, I obviously can't hear anything that goes on either. I have been awakened by her putting together furniture and metal racks for her clothes. The other morning it was cursing because the dog unplugged the air conditioner. Although it hurt, I failed to ask why this was a problem at 4am, in the middle of winter. I finally fell back to sleep, to the gentle sounds of the circular saw; she was building a nice frame for the bed.

As we rocketed into the First Movement, we were treated to the sounds of the Automatic Can Picker Upper Truck. It has that arm that grabs the can, dumps it into the truck, then goes to the next house. The unions had a fit because the truck took the place of 5 workers, so the trucks were outfitted to make the sounds of grunting, talking, and kicking the cans down the street.

Next came the al Dente section. This is when it gets really quiet and you pray that the piece is over or that you experience a quick, painless death. But no, you will never be given peace, and at this point, the neighbors start talking to each other. About nothing. In 12 groups of 3. They wind up louder than the voices in your head, which are all screaming NOOOOOOO by now. It's even worse than the 1-800-MONEY commercials. You start checking for a pulse and wonder if 911 has gotten a lot of calls about heart attacks or people gouging out their own eardrums. These are the kind of haters who can't enjoy classical music and should be avoided at all costs. 

Not at all mindful of your prayers, the piece goes back to the cans banging, all with the rakes on concrete underpinnings. I am told to think of the rakes as a drum beat. Or a full drum set so large, the drummer cannot escape from it - it has to be build around him, like Justin Trudeau's dresses. FINALLY the song fades out to the sounds of neighbors burying other neighbors under the concrete that is being raked to put up a pear tree for the partridge to nest in. The African Partridge, of course... the American Partridge is sitting in front of the tv, watching The Masked Furry.

I can honestly say this Xmas has been the most recent Xmas ever. I truly mean that.

Who in the entire state has an 8' Eeyore with a Santa hat in the front yard, with a spotlight? Just us.

For those of you playing along at home, this is the closest we've come to Xmas decorating in about... oh... 15 years. So this is definite progress, or so the doctors tell me. The other real Xmas decorations have migrated from their usual hiding place (how the hell do I know - that's why it's a hiding place) to the general room in which the tree is located. Yes, we have the only black Xmas tree on the block. It also works well for Halloween, provided we get the neighbors' shrunken heads up before the candy goes out. The neighbors are not sure what to do with us, but I get the feeling this started long before Xmas.  I'm not sure of the protocol here... do Xmas decorations in the vicinity of the tree stay there til the middle of January or do they go back to their hiding places, until (very) late December?

What did I get for Xmas?

As Charlie Brown said, "I got a rock."

To be fair, I asked for nothing; all friends and family complied.

Wife, however, was not so lucky. A large, heavy box arrived. In it was another large heavy box, that said SHARK on it. Dear readers, I'm positive we're all thinking that sharks don't come in large heavy boxes, except in practical jokes. And the joke was on us.... it was a vacuum.

Our history of vacuums is not a pretty one, just like the guy who operates them. With 2 longhairs (and pets), the job is not taken lightly. We've had well over 12 vacuums, plus a shampooer that is still in a facility somewhere, laughing inappropriately and taking its meds on time.  You see, all that hair just screws up the vacuum, to the point we become Vacuum Experts from taking it apart, especially when there's a clog. If vacuums aren't supposed to clog, put a sticker on them: WARNING - this vacuum will not function long when used to pick up stuff and things. Return it to the place of purchase and pay for a more expensive one. The most effective and long lasting vacuum is a cheap little red plastic thing (because the green plastic ones don't work as well). It actually ran for 3 years, before it ejected what was left of its filter and left for that great vacuum graveyard in the sky. So now we have a Shark. It's purple., which is good. It's got that blender clear plastic thing so you can watch the dirt swirl. Funny story: the model without the plastic blender on it sells less than the higher-priced model you can watch the dirt with, but there's no difference between the two.

So Kanye has apologized to all the Jews the world over for his constant antisemitic rants. He admitted he was mistaken and did not want to cause any problems because of his 20 years of squawking. Kanye said he now has nothing against the Jews, even though they own the record companies and the banks. He realized the problem today is not the Jews, it's the n*ggers.

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus

Ladies, gents, and readers of ThermionicEmissions: Happy Whatever.

We celebrate xmas, but only in the most commercial sense of the holiday. With a black xmas tree. We have a blue garland and I suggested wrapping it around Santa's neck, but I was overruled by She Who Must Be Obeyed. Yes, it's xmas day, and we're still considering decorating. We're lucky to get the tree out. Oh, who am I kidding, the black tree is for Halloween (last year), and also didn't get decorated for it. To emphasize the positive, the decorations have gotten really close to the tree this year, so that's something....

Things are different at ThermionicMansion.

I'm just happy to get a blog entry happening on xmas.

Once again I have a buttload of vacation days to burn up or I lose them. Work won't pay me for them, so once again, it's Forced Vacation! This means a lot of sitting, so we had to prep the couch.  Mrs. lefty has been spending too much time in close proximity to me (some say any time near me is bad) and has decided to stay in for Forced Vacation and xmas. Her close 473 relatives will not be happy. They expect I won't show up, but she kinda has to. The first year it was pretty bad; we walked in and I developed fear of people and dove under the first table I could find. Unfortunately (or fortunately) it was the women's table and there were a lot of short skirts. But the noise was so bad, I couldn't stand it; like when I went to the dentist and was so afraid, I didn't even look down the shirts of the dental techs.

I watched early on and noticed one of the brothers-in-law dropped off his wife and either stayed in his car or left. This became a goal of mine, one I have more than succeeded in. It drives Wife crazy, because they all still love me and say nice things about me. When Wife spends a lot of time visiting her parents, Dad says to thank me for letting her come. I play stupid, but inside I'm laughing hysterically. The key here is to set expectations (to zero) early on, then show up once a year or three. It's like Christ has come back and is playing guitar and singing (Black Sabbath) songs for the family.

My parents are steadfast in their decision to remain dead, so the holiday has changed a bit for me.

I feel the need to compose an xmas ditty.

We know I'm a bit skewed. As a result, it's very difficult to get me presents.

On the first day of xmas, my family gave to me

One gallon of cologne

And a yappy little rodent-type dog.

On the second day of xmas, my family gave to me

Two ugly sweaters  [redundant, I know]

 etc etc, like I'm going to type this all out.

3. a Taylor Swift cd

4. three matching mittens

5. Five Golden iDevices

6. a comb for my Male Pattern Baldness

7. ads on my blog

8. two right handed guitars

9. President Giveaway t-shirts

10. Dubya-signed plaque proclaiming America the smartest dang ol' city on Earth  

On second thought, no new songs.

Happy Whatever

Yes, Happy Whatever. It keeps the whining down.

Just remember to keep the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Xmas!

John Schneider, actor who played 'one of them dang Duke boys' and vociferous 2nd Amendment supporter, is in trouble. Again. He had a lot to say during the Alec "I never pulled the trigger" Baldwin trial, and he seemed largely correct. Now, not so much. He suggested publicly hanging the president. I want to drive home to my new readers that this is NOT a smart thing to say. I'm absolutely certain that Joe needs no help. Oh, and when someone threatens the president, even President Giveaway, the Secret Service takes offense. 

John had a few good points in his new deleted x/Twitter rant, but ThermionicEmissions does not condone violence. ThermionicEmissions recommends throwing them all out at the voting booth. As Joe was installed at the voting booth, ThermionicEmissions is very disappointed in some of you.

UFO caught on camera hovering over Air Force 1 at LAX during Joe Biden's fundraising trip to Los Angeles

I told the aliens not to bother, but they wanted to see what kind of extraterrestrial the president is.

Naturally the UFO was variously identified as lenticular clouds, ducks, Roseanne Barr, those meddling kids, and of course, swamp gas.  Freedom of Information act requests will read that there was nothing above the president's plane and that's their final answer. 

An LAPD helicopter was seen orbiting the object. Because if there's a vehicle that can cross space and time, then hover above the main man of the free world, for sure a helicopter will be able to handle it. They used their bullhorn to tell the object to PULL OVER or they'd hold them down with their knees until they couldn't breathe whatever it is they breathe.

Turquoise taillights tell you this Mercedes is driving autonomously

Mother to children: if you see turquoise taillights, STAY AWAY FROM THE CAR.

If you see a Mercedes, stay away from the car. BMWs too. Their drivers are complete assholes.

Musk floats idea of boat mod for Cybertruck

because the truck keeps rolling its windows down when it detects water.

 

When do cats play fetch? When they feel like it

was there ever a more obvious answer on this blog? 

We had a cat who would initiate playing fetch and stay with it. We had to stop when the dog kept  insisting the ball was his. When the cat died, the dog grieved for months.

Tesla recalls every car with Autopilot as feds say it’s too easily misused

Finally, the federal government admitted Americans are too stupid to drive.

Now that they got away with it, look for more things Americans are too stupid to do:

1. brush their teeth
2. vote (for other than R or D)
3. cross the street  (oops, jaywalking fines go to $1,000)
4. think (oops, COVID, do what you're told)
5. own a dog without a license
6. this sure ain't working out like I thought it would

Your Smart TV Knows What You’re Watching

I've been saying this for years. Think about your Fitbit, car, phone, phone apps, and anything that connects to the net. We need to demand better (and not use this garbage).

Tesco recalls Christmas stuffing mix because it may contain moths

 The British Moth Marketing Board is seeing red and wants you to know that there are many tasty stuffing dishes one can prepare with moths, so snap these up while they're still around.

 

Help, My Wife is a Plant

It was late. I wanted to go out because it was late. No problem, malls are open late before xmas.

Except this year. They close at 6pm on Sunday (6:34 in New Jersey). I was sad. Let's face it - because of the sad state of retail, I am usually sad. Well, the sad state of retail and the refusal of the doctors to give me the meds that work, instead of the ones that make my hair grow only on the left side of my body.

Naturally I blame this on President Giveaway and Idiot Governor Tom Wolf, who put mandates in place during the Flying AIDS pandemic and closed businesses and randomly decreed other businesses 'essential.' I wonder what it looks like inside malls. My guess would be Empty. As empty as it has been all year. All malls we visited were uncluttered by those nasty stores. At least one had a Cinnabon, which made the trip tolerable.

So I was sad and Wife did the smart thing; went to bed (naturally with Dog trailing her). It was the smart thing because it's not pleasant to be around me when I'm sad; less so when I'm angry. Things tend to go flying across the house. Things like glasses, Heffalumps, and 1970s Chevrolets. 

It's not that we're those odd pet owners, but Penny's not quite the puppy she was and the bed is really tall, so we bought her some stairs so she could get in the bed. Aside from Cockers for Cold Cuts, her other charity is Sleep Number Beds for Cockers. She was apoplectic when she heard other cockers don't have sleep number beds. She likes to stretch out. Unfortunately the sleep number bed belongs to the humans, but we learned to adjust. It's not that I sleep deeply, but I hear tell that the dog sometimes sleeps on my chest or my head. I laughed because I can't get Wife to do this.

Speaking of which, after we got married, we vowed we'd never go to bed angry. That's why I've been awake for the past 18 years.

After Thanksgiving, Black Fridays, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, there's now Green Monday, which  I believe is any Monday after Cyber Monday, retailers are out of their minds, trying to come up with more stupid sales days... let's help, shall we?

1. Bottom of the Barrel Monday
2. Shopping for ME weekend
3. Gift Card Tuesday
4. Buy a Stupid Gift Week
5. Not Really a Sale Wednesday
6. We're Out of Stock Thursday
7. Nose Hair Clipper Friday

Little Johnny's mom took him shopping, then remembered why she hasn't taken him shopping the past year. Little Johnny is going to grow up to have a blog, because he doesn't know any better and has no filters...

• Mom, that guy is a trans... transsexual, like Dad watches when you're not home.
• HEY LADY - stop picking your nose and eating it!
• Mom, that lady has a leash on her kid. Why can't I follow them and bark?
• Look! That lady has no arms!
• Hi, Mrs. Smith. What's a hooker? Mom says you dress like a hooker.

Tesla recalls every car with Autopilot as feds say it’s too easily misused

As much as  it pains me, I  have to agree with Tesla, but the correct title of the article is "Tesla recalls every car with Autopilot as people are too stupid to use it correctly."

Dropbox spooks users with new AI features that send data to OpenAI when used

 You can opt-out but it ain't easy 

Humana also using AI tool with 90% error rate to deny care, lawsuit claims

Humana sees nothing wrong, and is pretty excited by this result. Their humans only managed an error rate of 80%, so now more claims will be denied (especially cancer patients). Let's face it, folks... insurance is where you bet a very large, powerful corporation that they'll pay your claim. As they say in Vegas, "The house always wins."

 Let’s attempt to decode Google’s confusing new location data settings

Let's not. Just say NO to Google.

 Time slows down - really.

As I was sailing down over the steps, using air-gravity as the method, for the nth time, I think maybe it's a good idea to put a mattress at the bottom of the steps. A mattress and maybe one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" buttons. No matter how many times I remind myself to remain in contact with ALL the steps, I find myself taking the airborne shortcut. Thus far I haven't hurt my head too badly, although many will argue this point.  I have a doozy of a nasty-looking line on my arm. People might say I tried to commit suicide, but it's too far up and in the wrong direction. This goes to show you how bright people who say I tried to commit suicide are. 

Xfinity waited 13 days to patch critical Citrix Bleed 0-day. Now it’s paying the price

For those of you playing along at home, there was a nasty flaw in some Citrix equipment. Xfinity did not patch the flaw immediately and got hit. Data on 36 million customers is in the hands of hackers. As for Comcast paying the price, I'm sure a very serious wrist-slapping is in order.

As we're watching commercials (the only thing left on tv), we start to notice people wearing these glasses that appear to be made of very dark I-beams. Mrs. lefty says they look like they're wearing furniture.

Is the Glass Half Full or Half Empty? It's Both, you Nimrod

While I'm sitting there, trying to decide whether my pancreas pain is mild to moderate or moderate to severe, I look down into a large zippered bag with art supplies. Naturally the 'I Can't Believe it's not Butter,' spray is there. Naturally. I mean, what kind of idiot doesn't go there to look for butter substitute?

We have 2 remotes. Ok, actually we have 12 remotes, in the Remote Bag, but only 2 that are functionally used daily; 1 for tv power, 1 to change channels, volume, and intelligence of the commercials (forever broken).  I noticed it was broken when I tried to raise the IQ of the commercials for a car online purchasing service (Car-something, right?). The denizens of the commercial, all hopped up on some recreational pharmaceutical or other, are insane with glee because they can set their payments. Some hurt their legs from jumping up and down. Others blow out their voice shouting. And the ringleader is sometimes this long-haired lady with zero softness and zero likability; the kind of lady who stabs her coworkers when they're not looking. In fact, she's downright nasty. Now I'm generally good at figuring out who this crap is marketed to, but this leaves me baffled. It's borderline insulting. I'm thinking maybe kids who listen to Taylor Swift (because no adults listen to Taylor Swift) or people who soil their panties when numbers change on their phones or there are pretty pictures, or people who just like buying alligators. Last night every commercial break featured this commercial, resulting in a result the car company thought about: people hate the commercial so much they won't use the service. This does not affect me, as I hate everything, long before the commercials appear.

As you'd expect, 1 of the remotes went missing. This is somewhat surprising, as 1 is used right before the other, the result being that 1 is used right after the other one. Only at ThermionicMansion, we get worried if this doesn't happen. And sure enough, we were short 1 remote. The problem here is that it's the channel-changing remote, so we were, in the vernacular, fscked. Fortunately and surprisingly, the Flying Spaghetti Monster looked down upon me kindly and the tv was already tuned to the channel I sought (the one with the 1970s show 'Emergency,') because I like to watch it at lunch, and because it doesn't treat the viewer as if all their brain cells suddenly went to North Dakota in the middle of winter, for a nice warm vacation. 

You have to know what happened next, right? After a 57 minute search, the errant remote was located, in an upstairs bedroom, in a hidden spot under the floor, in yet another zippered art supply bag. Since the concept of just putting something back in its correct place is way too bizarre for the people (and animal) that live in the house, I decided that we will no longer have art supplies in the house. Mrs. lefty suggested we put them in the basement, but I overruled this, as we'd have to walk downstairs to find the remotes or lettuce.

Pharmacies share medical data with police without a warrant, inquiry finds

Shocking! No, wait, what's that other word.... expected.

The growing abuse of QR codes in malware and payment scams prompts FTC warning

 lefty says Just Don't. These codes can take control of your phone or parts of it. There is little in a QR code that can't be found on a website.

Proposed US surveillance regime would enlist more businesses

Big brother, big sister, big business. 702 up for renewal - contact your reps and tell them NO. Don't listen to any crap about the terrorists and child pornographers winning; this is our right to privacy!

5 Most Privacy Focused Web Browsers

Written from an open-source/linux POV, it holds for any operating system. Notice that Chrome isn't there. You can do a lot with Firefox, which remains my recommendation. 

Tesco recalls Christmas stuffing mix because it may contain moths

Aside from that, it's perfectly fine.

 

Solar wind gave Mars a breather and its magnetosphere inflated

Good... now the Rover can keep its hat on.

 

H&R Block launches AI tax filing assistant

Yeah, let's use AI against the IRS. What could possibly go wrong?  

 

Your Smart TV Knows What You’re Watching

Of course it does. It's been doing it since smart tv's came out. Told you so.

 

Princess Excretia

Yeah, the title refers to Dog, whose new meds make her pee a lot, sometimes in the house.

Your love is like  random excretia from Dog (or cat) (or service elephant)

Worm’s rear end develops its own head, wanders off to mate

Some would say this explains Congress, bur I hold out for the entire political process these days....

 

HP printer app is installing on PCs whether they have HP printers or not

Which, as they say, can be a real bummer if you don't have an HP M106w.

"MS says printers should mostly still work."

These guys are hysterical.

 

You Say Potato, I Say It’s a Vegetable—a Loaded Topic for Debate

US Diet Committee Debates Whether Potatoes are Vegetables or 'Starchy Grain'

 

Your tax dollars at work: botanists say potatoes are a vegetable, but the US Diet Committee says they're an airplane. We sure contribute a lot of tax dollars.

A maverick physicist is building a case for scrapping quantum gravity

“When we started, maybe 99 percent of our colleagues thought we were crackpots and that’s now down to maybe 70 percent,” quips Oppenheim, of University College London.

 What they don't know is that 70% is the threshold of gravity in quantum physics. Or Doom Theory.

23andMe updates user agreement to prevent data breach lawsuits

CEO: What's with our security?

CIO: We sent it off to vacation in the Virgin Islands.

CEO: When?

CIO: Only.... about.... a couple years ago.

CEO: Well, at least it wasn't a decade.

CIO:  [silence]

CEO: 5.1 million users had information leaked!

CIO: Yeah, that's a real shame.

CEO: The Virgin Islands are an expensive place to live when you have no job, Bob.

CIO: Don't worry, I have it all wrapped up.

CEO: How?

CIO: We just change the user agreement so they can't sue.

CEO: I take it back, you can go to the Virgin Islands with full pay. Just send Security back.

Teslas will be able to automatically call 911 if you get in a crash

You're saying to yourself that this is the second useful feature on a Tesla, after the fire extinguisher. Unfortunately, it won't dial 911 if if the crash is a Tesla-caused problem; only if it's the driver's fault. 

Mystery of the Missing ISS Tomato Finally Solved

Thank God. Some of the wackier astronauts claimed that the tomato was actually running the ISS. The Pentagon said Jesus ran the ISS. The tomato was lost months ago, out of shame, when Russian astronauts fought American astronauts over whether the tomato was a fruit or a vegetable. The reason the Russians left is that they discovered the tomato is actually a screwdriver. It kept their air leak under control for a few months. The tomato joins a vintage Playboy, a 3oz Subway hoagie, and the only functional pens on the entire ship. When asked for comment, the tomato said, "It's frightening - there are over 9,000 pieces of space junk and nobody driving. It's like a Tesla with no auto-drive. The entire ship is full of poop and the aliens tell really bad jokes. "

 

Be Decisive - more or less

Your love is like  shredded wheat

The surprisingly robust careers of Star Trek stars who became video game voice actors. 

Later this week, we'll have a war in Comments about which Star Trek was the real Star Trek.

Roar of cicadas was so loud, it was picked up by fiber-optic cables

It turns out more cicadas than thought visit Pr0nhub.

Hackers stole ancestry data of 6.9 million users, 23andMe finally confirmed

Told you so, only I told you it was via (already) sharing with law enforcement.

Automakers’ data privacy practices “are unacceptable,” says US senator

Then he went back to his nap. Just kidding, this is Markey, who occasionally has some good ideas about privacy.

California pilot who crashed plane for YouTube clicks is headed to federal prison

but he got the views!  Pretty soon you won't be able to step outside for the falling planes for views.

Plants may be absorbing 20% more CO2 than we thought, new models find    

Well, isn't that interesting....

 

COP28: Head of UN talks hits back at climate denial claims

strange coincidence, no?  

UK porn watchers could have faces scanned

annnnd it begins..... 

FDA warns chemical company not to mix brake cleaner into hand sanitizer

This is not the first warning....

 

Horseradish root - a favorite of women everywhere

The Pitter Patter of Nuclear Weapons

Mom said, "You're not like the other boys, lefty.

Wife said, "Your brain does not work like other people's."

What you mean is that my brain doesn't work. You can't fool me, with yer motherly love and yer wifely tolerance.

After putting together an external fan to cool a laptop, I realized I neglected to consider the negative effects of the dog interfacing with the power supply. In one move, she pulled both wires apart, which then shorted out, taking out the wall wart. Today I figured I'd like a little (more) aggravation, so I determined the wall wart was heaven-bound (or wherever wall warts go), located another wall wart, of the proper voltage, soldered it to make it 10% more dog-proof and it worked. Sure, it's louder than a 767, but the laptop is cooler.

Except the soldering. Once again my hands shook like a 90 year old meth freak with Parkinson's. The really smart person inside of me, way down deep, so far he's almost never seen, said I should go see a doctor; any doctor. I'm starting to think he might be right.

I have a box where I put all the superfluous wall warts and laptop power supplies. The professional people on tv, with initials after their names and tv shows guaranteed to last at least a week, would call me a hoarder. But when my fan needed a 12v wall wart, I dug into said box and pulled one out. When the dog shorted that out, I went back in the box and pulled out another wall wart. That's not hoarding; that's being prepared for future dog-related electronic circumstances. Just don't ask me about my stash of resistors, capacitors, and tubes.

I'm going to guess there aren't a lot of electronic hobbyists reading this blog. The blog's title, ThermionicEmissions, refers to how vacuum tubes (valves in the UK) work. I'll just do this for me...

Why do you have so many capacitance meters?

I like diversity.

How is that diversity?

I take a capacitor and measure it on 4 meters. Each result will be wildly different - that's diversity.

Then how do you know the value?

It's printed on the capacitor.

If my wonderful readers promise to have their friends read the blog, I promise no more electronics humor.

So let's set our scopes on Wife instead.

There are many things I don't understand. Getting married proved there were many more. 

Me: Honey, why are there upside down soda cans in the sink?

Her: Oh, I had to drain them before throwing them out.

Me: Ok, but why are they still in the sink?

Her: I am working more efficiently... I turn them upside down then go on to something else.

Me: I see. But they're still in the sink, thereby cutting efficiency by 50%.

Her: Were you thinking of sleeping on the couch again tonight?

I strongly suspect that is related to this:

Water is boiling. The whistle from kettle is deafening. People across the state know we have achieved very hot water. The instigator of this is nowhere to be found. Finally she comes through the door, cursing and screaming.

Me: Why are you screaming?

Her: Stupid water is boiling.

Me: Did this come as a surprise, after turning the burner on? Perhaps you could stay in the general vicinity of the water, then you don't have to come running while cursing its parentage.

Her: But I'm getting other things done...

Efficiency, as it turns out, is not.

Her: Yes it is: I get you to do it, cutting 50% of my duties.

Guys, no matter what you think your wife's IQ is, she's smarter than you.

Amazon packages reportedly overwhelm small post offices, delaying other mail

When they say 'delaying,' what they mean is that there is an agreement that Amazon packages have priority over regular old USPS letters. That's right - Humongo Corp now runs the US Postal System. On the other hand, it probably can't get much worse...

CEO Reminds Everyone His Company Collects Customers' Sleep Data

Remember this: Fitbits, watches, phones, games, and everything else collects data. Your data, which isn't yours anymore. The article is about a 'smart mattress topper.'