Amazon Already Knows I Wrote This

 

Your love is like  green food

How about your very own live funeral?

Today I identify as  the Queen and King of England: We are not amused.

The president pardoned all federal simple marijuana possession offenses.

Way to go, Joe! That was downright libertarian of you 

There was a large blip at UC Berkeley after 27 student groups discovered that biodiversity wasn't what they thought it was.  The school is on lockdown for a week, as the student groups meet with their 1,275 member diversity staff and officers. Alumni are being asked to dig deep so UCB can expand their paltry diversity department. "We are being asked to do what real universities do, with minimal staff." Also on the agenda was assuring the student groups that there are no Jewish fish.

Mexico mayor assassinated in town hall massacre

This is terrible for the country and obviously his family. The country is essentially being run by several treacherous, heavily-armed groups, with only the appearance of normalcy.

 Kind of like the US.

Purrizon Update 

I guess in response to the FCC complaint, I got one of their High Executive Muckety Mucks, who was intent on helping. The long and longer of it is that if you're not happy with the rates, you'll do better going with a prepaid plan. Get this: prepaid is the same as a regular plan. The only difference is that you can't pay out a new phone through them. Head to your wireless carrier's page and compare the prepaid rates to your existing plan. It might be worth a look. Meanwhile, some manufacturers will do a payout plan. IIRC, the existing $60 plan will be $40 or less.  Of course the surcharges will jack it up past the point of ridiculous, but that's a battle for another day.  There's also the store-bought prepaid (burner) phones, as well as Consumer Cellular and whoever else. In the end, I don't need unlimited data. Or 5gigs of data. I know it makes me less of a man that I use less than 1gig, but my parents taught me to stand up and be proud. It's probably why I got beat up a lot when I was a kid.

Speaking of which, I've seen pics of the Samsung foldable phones. They give me douche-chills, probably because a folded phone always required replacement. So I'm natutally suspicious. Anybody get their hands on one? They're even more expensive, with the Galaxy Fold going for $1500. I think the manufacturers have gone off the deep end with pricing, without offering additional value (for me at least). To be fair, I'd like the expanded screen real estate. I've also learned you don't buy things the first year they come out.

To continue the topic, sorta, why are people buying 'smart' watches? Ok, people will buy anything - just watch when Apple introduces new products. I asked a few friends why a watch. One outright admitted it did virtually nothing. Another seemed to enjoy it, but it looked like a preview function for his phone.  Some have health functions. These let you (and Apple/Google/Fitbit etc) know your pulse or excretory output. You can already talk to your phone, so that's no help. The screens are so tiny that you can't fit much usable information on them. Phones are getting larger for this reason, so this seems a step backwards. Weigh in, please. Do watches have serious use? I understand some of them can tell you the time (provided you go through 6 menus). 

BUT WAIT!!! 

The changeover went smoothly, in that nothing beeped or complained. I went to make a call and got a message about call restrictions. In fact, any number I called had call restrictions. You have to know that a simple account switchover was not going to go smoothly. I called Support, which meant "there were higher than average call volumes". It suggested I perform some actions. Like turning off call forwarding. I haven't used call forwarding since I bought the phone, years ago. Then it accused me of not dialing correctly. It questioned my manhood and said I wasn't taking care of my wife. I asked for a human (silly, I know). I was told the wait would be from 15 minutes to a couple of days, more or less. After insulting the voice's parentage, I gave up and tried the chat from my phone. After waiting between 20 minutes and a week, I politely told them what I thought of their service and closed the browser.

It gets better. You knew it was going to.  I cannot dial out AND no one can call me. So I have a great little computer that used to make phone calls. Thankfully it can still view pr0n. So we're not at all surprised, but really aggravated. Yet another relatively simple process has rocketed toward the ground at full speed. I firmly believe that if I bought a new phone cover, my entire phone service would tank, parts of my carpet would pull up, and bad rumors would circulate at work (worse than the normal ones). 

BUT WAIT LONGER!! 

I spent more quality time with Service the next day. They went through their extensive script and came up with exactly what I came up with: nothing, zero, zilch, bupkis. They wanted me to wait 3-5 days for a new sim card (which may or may not work). Fortunately a new card can be obtained at a Purrrizon store, so that's a chore for the evening. Oddly (and fortunately), data still works, so I get texts and can use the browsers. In the most recent words of King Charles, we are not amused. I wonder if Elixabeth and Charles have multiple personalities, hence the 'wc.' Or maybe they were years ahead of the Pronoun Crowd.

The most amusing and sad part of this is that Mrs. lefty cannot get in touch with me, worse than she normally can't get in touch with me. Her texts used to come in 100%. Now they don't come in at all. She can't call. The funny part is that my texts are getting through to her 100%. This has never happened before. The solution to her getting in touch with me involves voicemail, a landline, an answering machine, a real phone, email, and a duck. Heaven forbid anything were to happen to her, she wouldn't remember any of this or have time before she passed out. Then I definitely wouldn't be able to call her.

BUT WAIT!! FOR A PURRIZON REPRESENTATIVE 

I was about a 1/16th of an inch (3 kilometers French) from changing carriers. I even picked out a phone (which was naturally completely out of stock). Off to the mall, where we'd find a Purrrizon store. If they failed, we'd find the other 3 carriers' stores to get another service. They moved the Purrrizon store in the mall. Checking the directory, they moved the Purrrizon store out of the mall. Yes, we were at the only mall in the United States without all 4 carrier stores.

It was at this point, I figured it out: I'm not just unlucky... my life was set up in a way that provides blog entries. This stuff doesn't happen to normal people with this frequency.

After spending 27 minutes trying to find the nearest Purrrizon store, we took off. It took 27 minutes because we did it online - the quick way. Put in your zip code. HA - we were kidding. Put in your state instead. NOW put in your zip code. How many cups of coffee do you drink every day? How many times a day does your dog poop?

The folks in the store were unerringly polite. There's this new thing where they sign you in. While at the mall, Wife went to a carrier store to correct a problem. They wanted my name, I asked why, and we stared at each other, like Gunfight at the OK Corral. There was no way I was going to draw first, so she asked me if I had an account. Wife got involved. They were very sorry, but they didn't do any kind of technical issue - they only sold ridiculously overpriced phones. I seriously doubted this but it wasn't my carrier so I didn't pursue it.

I ran through three Purrrizon employees, all trying their best to make my phone work. The data worked fine - the phone refused to work at all. Since it worked up til I switched to prepaid, one guy told me it was weird. I laughed and gave him one of my nicknames: Captain Weird. My readers know that only weird stuff happens to me. The third lady took a pit bull approach and wouldn't let go of the phone until it worked. She called 14 internal service numbers, plus the Weird Hotline. An hour later, after they literally changed my phone number and changed it back, I had a working phone. They told me it's a known issue. Er... if it's a known issue, they should tell all of their service people, so they wouldn't have to spend an hour each fixing it. I'm just stupid that way.

The most surprising thing out of this whole adventure is that adding phones to existing plans doubles the charge. I thought adding lines was cheaper. Assuming my phone doesn't do a Tesla and spontaneously explode, this should be it.

FBI: Cyberattacks targeting election systems unlikely to affect results

How do they know?

Psychic? Psychotic? Did they train the attackers? So many questions.

I saw a Trump Store at the mall. It had t-shirts, hats, and whatever else, with Trump's face and a slogan. I was surprised they had a store that would put off 50% of the public, but there it was. One of them said "Miss me yet?" Another had a pic of Joe and Kamilla that said "Dumb and Dumber". Again, I'm not a Trumper, but I'd definitely wear a shirt with his likeness that said "I'm for Trump, just because he gives you aneurysms." Alas, they didn't have one. 

I've been at odds with a few things happening lately, but it has led to Scientific and Universal understanding. The alleged problem is that I like to sit a lot. Even moreso when there's mowing to be done. Keep this in the back of your head - there will be a test later.

Penny was a stray we adopted, so we don't know her history. If her mommy is in bed, she is in bed. When I come to bed later, I have to assure her I'm me and not a threat or she barks. This worked for a while until she figured a way around it. I come to bed, talk to her, rub her belly, and the moment I touch the bed, she barks. This happened again last night. To add to the fun, I discovered the sheet was wet, my pillow was on the floor, and I was laying on a book. I like to think of bed as the Final Refuge of the day. Getting in bed is almost a sacred task, and I like things to be... not at perfect angles, just there, with no grief, aggravation, pens, or libraries. Plastic bookmarks hurt, in places better off not hurting. I don't think I ask for too much. It's kind of a refuge from the 7 ring circus, not an extension of it. Rather, it's meant to be a refuge. At least until Wife barks.

I never realized it but being uncomfortable about sitting a lot is a symptom, not the problem. After vcry careful scientific measurement and thought, I realized I carry a much greater burden. I hold the universe back. Think about it... everything's just fine when I sit. It is only when I get up that stuff starts to go sideways (tits up in Britland). Expand this, because no theory is any good til it's blown way out of proportion, and you realize I am keeping you, the planet, and the universe semi-stable by sitting there. Since it is only when I get up that Shit Happens, I am saving everyone from even more agita. 

So I feel considerably less guilty for just sitting. I'm actually helping. Unfortunately I cannot sleep there, so I still have to get the bedroom issue sorted out. I'm sitting for you, people. 

Her: I need you to mow.

Me: Sorry, can't. Keeping the universe from making things worse.

Her: What about the trash?

Me: Isn't there a service or something? If I get up, people may die. The last time I got up, your glasses went missing for 5 days. Florida had a hurricane. Russia annexed Mexico. Do you not see the importance of me sitting? It's a lonely existence, but I do it selflessly, for Everyone.

Her: Who's going to carry the 50lb clothes hampers?

Me: If they're my clothes, most will disappear before they hit the washer.

Her: What if I trip and fall?

Me: You tell me. It's an existential question. Spock would say the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Her: So you'd let me lay there?

Me: Be serious. As long as I'm sitting, you won't fall.

Her: I don't like the sound of this.

Me: There's more... would you get me a sandwich?

---> I was just kidding about the test.

Now I know why people self-injure.

Here's a whole lotta emotions. Gary Moore (RIP) with special guest BB King (RIP) playing The Thrill is Gone. Watch Gary repeat back what BB plays. Even better, watch BB's faces when he does it. He was an understated comic. Just two frighteningly good guitar players we lost recently.

Work has managed to find the button that adds 'How do you feel about this email? Good/bad' to the bottom of emails.  Not sure how anybody thought this would be a good idea, perhaps because the answers are limited to good or bad. If there were a fill-in option, I suspect they would be less than pleased with the responses...

I feel annoyed with this email. Since we generate our own spam, it's just another email. It has no relation to me or the job. Sometimes the emails depress me because they just clog up my inbox, making me feel like there are endless tasks to perform. If I'm already depressed because of this dead-end job and I see the email come in, I sometimes feel borderline violent. When the celebration of xxx History Month emails come in, I get very upset, wanting to do my job, not deal with useless emails. These emails keep getting past my filters. It's a good thing we telework because sometimes I get so mad, I want to assault a coworker. Human nature being what it is, I would assault the closest coworker to me, which would be Sally Sofa. In addition to assault charges, someone would obviously throw in sexual harassment, even though this was purely a garden-variety assault - gender didn't matter. Since I telework, my family is in constant danger of assault because of these messages. My wife hides in her room, but I have some morals - I'd never hit a dog. The kids either, although some days.... It also bleeds through to anybody who knocks on the door, especially with our new No Soliciting sign. They're likely to get bitten or hit to begin with, but after an email that makes me feel angry, it could range anywhere from a baseball bat to automatic weapons. 

THAT is how I feel about this email.

Amazon had its third warehouse fire this week.

They are now giving out fireproof uniforms with new employee packages

Do NOT Press the Red Button. NOT Red. Ok?

Your love is like  broken glass underwear

• Maybe if I say "the sofa told me to bomb that building," I can get it taken away free.

Today I identify as  male pattern baldness

• Why do so many horror movies have a dance scene at a high school gym?

 It's the weekend. Some weekend. I got up at the crack of 2pm and stumbled around, looking for the coffee machine. It was days ago, but it's always International Coffee Day for us. We found a new barbecue place and were excited to go. Well one of us was more excited than the other, apparently. The other announced she/they were taking a nap. Napping, as you know, is not conducive to getting bbq. It is also not conducive to getting pizza, Chinese, or a nice Brazilian wax.

I politely waited for the nap to end, neglecting to perform my brand new concerto for cymbals and explosives. It's a real hummer and the end's a real bang. Eventually I heard the stirring. Then the walking. To and fro, to and fro. Then the bathroom. Back to the bedroom. Hall for a bit. Bathroom again. Guys, we're all smart enough to know we'll never understand women. We won't even get close, so there's no point obsessing or being mad about it. Twenty minutes later she pops down. I figured she must've been getting dressed in something special to take that long. Yes, they were special jeans, with special holes in them. And she's always the better dressed of us. Twenty minutes.

I'm ready to go out to the car, but I know better. Wait... wait... wait..... she has to figure out which coat to wear - it's starting to get chilly. Where's her phone? Normal guys would be very mad and very loud by this time. I am not normal and the doctors have told me it's not healthy, as has my lawyer.

Oh, wait. I bought flowers for the neighbor for the favor she did for us. I better give her some jam too.

Why can't you just give her the flowers, like you said? 

It was a really big favor. See this card?

Of course there's a card too. 

The technique on the front is called frontechnique. It's brand new and very fancy.

That's magnificent. Should we give them a vacuum too? Better yet, a mower!  

Just go to the car.

[the phrase guaranteeing longevity in relationships]  Yes, Dear.

I drive to the restaurant. The first thing we see is a large Eagles banner, with the schedule for the season. 

Uh-oh.

You see those kinds of things on sports bars. I'm here to eat barbecue. Out of the car, I stand there like a dolt. Why? Because of the thing that controls my life: cigarettes. I have to stand there because part of a cigarette must be smoked before we go into any building. Since most people don't like smoke, we stand further out. Then I wait. And wait. And take the time to wait.

Finally in the restaurant, we discover it's not a restaurant, it's a sports bar. The little voices in my head are no longer little, and they're telling me stuff it would be better not to repeat, especially in a sports bar. They were kind enough to suggest there's a table in back. When they say there's a table in back, it means there's a table outside, in the gray rain, in a little shed, and somebody's already sitting at it. The waitress seemed surprised we didn't like that option, but found a small table with lawn chairs for us, near the humongous circular bar, where we could smell the wonderful smell of barbecue. Mrs. lefty has spent enough time being Mrs. lefty to know how I am going to react so she thanks the nice waitress, grabs my hand, and RUNS out of the place. She didn't even have the time to give her any flowers. Or a card.

I get in the car. You know what's next, right? A cigarette. I must wait for the other half of the cigarette to be smoked before she gets in the car. My foot is tapping on the gas pedal, in a most threatening and a-rhythmic way.  I was doing everything I could to not back the car up and drive home. When the half cigarette was done (halleleuhah!) we discussed going to a real restaurant. As we start discussing, I hear the door open.

What are you doing?

I'm going to smoke a cigarette.

I'm told my scream could be heard in four states.

I want Chinese food.

Fine. Drop me at home and get Chinese food.

Ok, what do you want?

I want something very special.

What?

Nothing. You know I don't like Chinese food.  [imitates martyred mother] Don't worry about me eating. I'll have a cracker or something.

Is this sarcasm?

Have I eaten Chinese food in the last twenty years? 

Oh.

She returns an hour later. The Chinese food place is two blocks over. They watched her standing there for ten minutes before telling her there was a 45 minute wait. They are take-out only.

Is this Cosmic Revenge or what?

The next place had a register breakdown.

The next place had power problems.

The last place, a convenience store, had food, but didn't carry milk in gallons. Since the last gallon we bought, 2 days ago.

She came home, dying to tell me about this, but I had gone nappy, due to my inability to deal with it anymore. I can safely assume she went out back to have a cigarette.

• As we rush(?) to the end of another year, we're still stuck with GAME CHANGER. Won't this pox on the language ever go? 
• Don't forget this year's worst: super.  It's super bad in our super happy lexicon.
• and the fscking Medicare commercials... those people better walk around carefully, because they may be at risk of serious bodily injury if anybody sees them on the street.

In case you missed it, sex change surgery is out. "Gender affirming" surgery is in. A major hospital just stopped all procedures on children under 18, due to republican pressure. As much as I hate to admit it, the republicans are right. You can look back in the blog history for statements to the effect that under 18's are not equipped to make this important decision. Some over 18's are not equipped either.  I get that you feel the way you do and I respect it. But wait til you're at least 18. In the meantime, live the way you feel.  

The weather is back.

We have 2 seasons: Hot and Rainy.  Hot runs from June-September and rainy is the rest of the year. Spring and Fall were fired; we were told it was a Supply Chain Issue. When I was little, the seasons changed gradually. Now Mother Nature flips the switch and voila, it's the next season. Last week it was 90. Today it's 50, gray, and raining. It's been that way for days. Mother Nature is a bit of a Certified Bitch<tm>, hence Hurricane Ian and the misery constant gray skies bring. Either that or she's flipped her wig and is waiting for a room at the Happy Place<tm>. Global warming my ass.

The republicans are dropping their fight against Obamacare.

I told you: 2 sides of the same warped coin.

 Dear lefty 

We have 3 trash cans in the house, due to recycling. Does this mean I need 3 trash cans in the bathrooms, bedrooms and office?  - Puzzled in PA

Dear Stupid: I am not going to answer that question. Just call the local Trash Police and ask them. They will say something about your medication being off and send you on your way. OCD is not a pretty thing.

Speaking of OCD, I tread lightly with Mrs lefty. I don't make fun of any of her diagnoses. Except OCD. I guess I'll never get over being an Asshole. It's a compulsion (sorry). My latest is coming out of the closet and saying I have it too. So when the tv has to be on an even number, I tell her is has to be on an ODD number. Whenever I have to put anything in her pocketbook, it must be over 3' in the air.  My sandwiches have to be cut straight, while hers are diagonal. I told you I'm an asshole. But I'm a lovable asshole. I may not be easy to live with and I may not be easy on the eyes, and I may not dress well, but.... at least I'm an asshole.

Cult leader meets the Pope: Apple CEO chats to Francis

JFC, if they ever get together, I'm toast. I'm toast already, but I'll go down a few levels in hell.

Fun Fact: Toyota's CEO is Akio Toyoda

I mentioned getting attacked at the refrigerator by the lidless container of chopped liver. It happened again, this time with yogurt. All I did was open the door, and the large yogurt container shot past me, in a short trajectory to the floor. Yes, it had a lid on it this time, but this didn't seem to matter. Rivers of yogurt all over the fridge, the floor, the flamethrower AND the chainsaw, and of course, me.

I'm beginning to think the fridge doesn't like me. It keeps launching stuff at me.

If the fridge was really smart, it would get warm when the door is closed, making me unknowingly eat food that had gone bad. Instead, it lobs the stuff at me. I can't imagine why it's so upset at me.. I paid for it, use it regularly, feed it, and talk nicely to it when I walk by. I'm working on Be Nice to Your Fridge Day. I'm having trouble getting it passed; UC Berkeley says I'm insensitive because not everyone has a refrigerator. 

Come to think of it, most things in this house send projectiles in my direction. Wife, dog, fridge, side tables, and the rocket launcher (which is particularly nasty). What have I done? Do I have a bullseye tattoo on my forehead? Am I the fat kid in my house? Will I have to spend another few years on the therapist's couch (assuming it doesn't throw things at me)?

I want a bowl of cereal. This requires milk, which requires opening the fridge. I'll need my kevlar underwear, a facemask, and one of those I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up thingies.

One of these is King Charles. One is a Cavalier King Charles spaniel. 

One has huge flaps on the sides of his head. The other is a dog.

Ever since Charles' recent promotion, his mates have been instructed not to use any of his old nicknames in public

• Chuck
• Princy
• King, NOT!
• Susan
• 'arry's Dad

Augmented eyewear is here! This is generation 2 of Things That Make You Walk Into Walls.

I expect you out there, with your phones, taking video. Extra points for somebody falling into a hole.

Coroner lists Instagram algorithm as contributing cause of UK teen’s death

  

"an act of self-harm whilst suffering from depression and the negative effects of online content."

The family is naturally blaming Meta and Pinterest. I hate like hell to sound like a Redditor, but if the family, who spends more visual time with her than social media, looked at her well-being, maybe they could have gotten her some help. Or if she spoke up.

Now that social media has been listed as an official cause of death, people will be coming out of the woodwork to censor.  Please read the article and make up your own mind.

Morally, it's absolutely sick the way Pinterest and Meta's algorithms wound up giving the girl back what she was looking at in suggestions (self-harm, suicide). They can do better, but it wasn't set up this way on purpose.

You know me as a First Amendment supporter and a free internet supporter. It was designed to be redundant and free. Now countries are blocking an censoring and installing OFF switches. With all this admitted crap available, the parents have a responsibility to look into what their kids are doing. It's not radically different from what parents have done all along. Of course the UK is putting together the Online Safety Bill. It has already censored saying bad things about people, with a fine.

There is nothing sadder than losing a child. We are terribly sorry for the family's loss. 

Security forces were forced to a Tehran university, due to protests.

What Security didn't know is that TU is a remote partner of UC Berkeley, which was shut down in solidarity.

The FCC ruled that all the cell carriers have to help each other in an emergency. Because unfortunately, you have to legislate what neighbors would do. Meanwhile, the only communications were the radio amateurs (hams). They were also the only communications on 9-11, when all cells were overloaded or down. They're like a volunteer army of people doing this for the general good.   arrl.org

Be advised: because of the Flying AIDS, Christmas trees will be more expensive this year.

And they will have to wear masks.

No, seriously, did the virus inhibit growth in trees? Did Fauci invest in trees? 

Kanye went 'death con 3' on the Jews, but can't be antisemitic because blacks are Jews too.

He was immediately tossed off social medias (obviously because the Jews, of which he is one, own it).

I like Kanye. Not his alleged music, but his outbursts. He was really funny with Trump. He generally made sense, whether or not you agreed with him. This one seems a bit... odd, paranoid, conspiratorial, silly, and requiring more sleep or less chemical assistance. Everyone knows the Jews run the banks, not the record companies. Sheesh. Can't anyone find him a long-haired woman with an incredibly large butt for her size? She could keep him 'busy' to avoid these outbursts. But what do I know about rap?

I just proofread this blog.

Small wonder the only comments I get are from therapists.

Jeff Beck and Johnny Depp, Red Bank, NJ 10-11-22

 For some reason, the driving directions were excellent. It was, as they say, the nut behind the wheel that was the problem.  Well, that and the Neighborhood Beautification Program, that cleaned all those nasty street signs from view. Garden State Parkway has a new program called PAY TOLL EVERY 100'. There was one cash lane, 70 cents, coins only, and you BETTER have exact amount or the Staties will stomp on your vital parts. Route 173 goes East to the show and East coming back. They call it The Magical Highway. And yiz betta not ask why. if you knows what's good fo yuh. You watched duh Sopranos - you unduhstand.

The Count Basie Hall, renamed to Large Corporate Writeoff Count Basie Hall was very nice, in an old school kinda way. Comfortable seats, no bodies on the floor, and the absolutely horrid Cokes were only $3; we were almost better getting one of the 53 beers or wines. In fact, soda wasn't even listed on the menu boards. They like to keep it a secret. It was a nice, medium size hall, similar to The Keswick (Glenside, PA), with a balcony and generally good seating. After the better part of 3 days, we finally hit jackpot: 11th row, slightly left. That's Jeff's main area. If you sat right, he didn't visit you too much.

For the geekballs like me, Jeff's stacks had changed a bit. Where it used to be primarily Marshalls, the Magnatone was up front, sitting on a Marshall turned backwards(?). There were 2 small cabinets facing out, 1 mic'd. He played 2 Strats: a rosewood board and a reverse headstock rosewood board. On the other side of the stage was a tiny Marshall combo. It was roughly the size of the "5". Rhonda Smith, bass, had an Aguilar stack. There was a small keyboard spot and a monstrous drum kit, so large and shiny, it looked like a Judas Priest show was ready to break out. Earlier intelligence had the Irish lady on cello, who toured with him years back, and Vinnie Coliauta on drums. Jeff has had a lot of serious drummers, but Vinnie is in a class by himself.... he wouldn't have played with Frank Zappa if he weren't. Funny, that. As the first note sounded, the first thing I said out loud was, "That's NOT Vinnie Coliauta," and it wasn't, unless he lost much of his mass and adopted a huge head of long blonde hair. I don't know what the keyboardist's or drummer's names were, but I called the drummer Hurricane. She was a mass of long blonde hair. The fan behind her had her hair blowing all over the place and she was more than animated, hence Hurricane. The Cheap Sunglasses would make Billy Gibbons smile. Hurricane was a mass of hair and hands, using sheer physicality to play. In other words, she beat the living hell out of her drums. And she was good. She was a little over-the-top heavy, but definitely a good drummer. She also mimic'd a drum machine several times. Fun to watch and listen to.

Speaking of watching, the audience was old. Gray hair everywhere. And why not - Jeff's been around since the 60s. But there were also some really high maintenance ladies, whose main occupation seemed to be selfies. and strutting up and down the aisles. A few rows ahead, I spotted a tall, pretty lady, with long hair. Wife was having a blast, people-watching. She counted the number of times a couple of them were up and back (There and Back). There is nothing like 50-somethings in black leather, except maybe 60-somethings in black leather. There was one particularly.... different,... fellow who could not keep his butt in his seat. I was thinking about asking Security if he could be temporarily stapled there for the remainder of the concert, so everyone around could see. Minutes later, Wife asked me if 'tranny' was still acceptable. Uh-oh. Whatever the accepted term was, there was a gaggle of them in front of us. How does she spot this kind of thing? I had to ask where. They didn't have it tattooed on the back of their heads. Ever the people-watcher, she said there were a lot of ladies with Adam's Apples. Oh. Just to make the night more interesting, one of them was the tall, pretty lady I saw. Good for her- she's obviously doing it the right way. Very fortunately, I'm married. Because you don't want to find out about that the hard way, so to speak. All in all, it was great to see a sold-out show, with all sorts of people, except perhaps young'uns. 

Jeff did most of a set. This wasn't my favorite Beck concert... it felt a little.... loose. But his worst day is still miles above anybody else. He was mugging it up, pointing and smiling. The playing was pure Beck. It sounded a hair different, probably due to the amp change. Not a ton of pedal-play except for a Leslie-emulator (at last read, it was an H&K Tube Rotosphere - I love mine), a trem, and probably some gain. The keys were a minor concern, at least according to the sound guy. They came up a bit more when sequenced bits were needed, whether or not they were sequenced. I have some video of a few tunes, including my favorite: Cause We Ended as Lovers. Funny, my phone has no trouble with blasting audio, but good luck with pictures. In the 11th row, we had an unobstructed view (except for staple-ass) and it was clear and crisp. On the camera, it looked like we were across the street. I'm glad I got the phone with the good camera. Everybody around me had no trouble.

Jeff then made a rare trip to the mic, mumbled a bit, and Johnny Depp came out. The audience went apeshit and stood throughout the rest of the set. His performance was pretty close to the album - he's not a bad singer. Unfortunately, this was a Jeff Beck concert (for us), so this was an interruption (sorry Johnny, it's your (pl) album). He had the whole bandana, hat, rings, stances thing down, which thrilled the audience to no end. It was kinda like a Springsteen concert: Bruce could stand there and defecate, and his fans would scream in joy, then faint. Depp left after a few songs, and the focus went back to Jeff. The stupid buggers in the audience only stood when Depp was on the stage, not when the master of the strings was solo. A Day in the Life was wonderful (won a Grammy!). Eventually Johnny came back, causing the ladies to go apoplectic, and stand again. Mrs lefty can't stand long, so we sat and watched the concert through everybody's phones. There was a single encore and we were off, once again touring New Jersey, due to lack of street signs. They played the previous night too, which was a first for Jeff, but I wonder what he thinks of his 'new found fame' now that he has a famous acting/divorcing/musical cohort. I think someone screamed a marriage proposal to Hurricane, the drummer, much to Jeff's amusement. After they left, a poor roadie came and collected everything that was lobbed up to Johnny onstage. This is probably his only function. In the Tom Jones tradition, there were probably hotel keys and phone numbers. And condoms.

Johnny Depp is the luckiest man on the planet. Good actor, lady-magnet, and now gets to play with Jeff friggin Beck. They'll probably write him in for president in the next election. And it was nice of Jeff to play in his band.

All in all, it was an enjoyable evening. Great seats, great musicianship.

Songs were spread throughout his career, starting at Blow by Blow (my favorite album), 2 from There and Back, Guitar Shop, nothing from Wired, and a few more recent tunes. If I were better with names, I'd list them. 

We will not miss him whenever he's near. It was a 2 hour drive. I might've stayed home, but Mrs lefty insisted. When non-musicians will do anything possible to see great musicians, there's something there. Eric Johnson is her favorite and she loved Robin Trower recently, without knowing a single song of his. I knew she was mine at her apartment, where I found a Jeff Beck album in her pile.

the mighty Rhonda Smith, soloing

"Hurricane" with Cheap Sunglasses

isn't that the pirate guy?

Jeff Beck, playing in the Johnny Depp band

The Early Bird Gets... to Wake Up Early

 

Your love is like  corned beef and peanut butter

A prototype electric plane took off for the first time yesterday.

Everyone was killed when it stopped to charge itself at 10,000 feet.

Today I identify as  Elon Musk's proctologist

Dear readers, I'm very happy to be with you today. This morning, I opened the fridge and was nearly attacked by a flying container of chopped liver. With no lid. Initially I thought I'd need an ambulance, but my body proved solid enough to survive the attack. My mind, however.....

The errant liver went on to land, quite nicely, on the floor. Only a few tablespoons made it to my shoes. Putting my Inspector Cluseau hat on, I discovered it's all the dog's fault. Sorta.  As best I have detected, Wife was actually eating the chopped liver, hopefully not in the fridge. Always conscious of what her mommy's eating, Penny managed to snatch the lid and 'clean' it when her mommy's attention was elsewhere. Most household problems revolve around her attention being elsewhere. The lidless container went back into the fridge, lest Penny get the rest of it. Now my Yoo Hoo smells like chopped liver. as does the milk and my sneakers. But I'm here for you, and for that, I'm thankful.

Grand Canyon’s explosive gastroenteritis was a 3-month, multisource outbreak

A bunch of people got really sick after visiting the Grand Canyon recently. The CDC determined it was caused by multiple people hauling in norovirus infections.

I think it's safe to say that the readers and I do not work for the CDC and don't have much of an idea about disease, like the CDC.  Follow me, please... The Grand Canyon is grand. Very grand. Very incredibly large and huge. It's America's biggest hole, aside from the National Debt. Being so incredibly huge and outdoors, it would seem that there's an awful lot of air around and inside it. In fact, even the CDC would say not to wear masks because it's so hideously huge and very outdoors. Yet a bunch of people brought in some virus and at least 222 got sick over a 3 month period. Does the virus spread by contact with rock? It could spread by rain, by following the rain back up to the clouds and reproducing there. If 50 people were infected with the Flying AIDS, they'd pretty much have to have an orgy with another 50 people to infect some of them.

Think about this for a second......

This is not a conspiracy theory. It's just calling out something that doesn't pass the sniff test.

I knew it was going to happen, once my work team was forced to turn on their cameras for meetings. One of them slept through a meeting. We couldn't tell if he was snoring because he was politely asked to mute his mic after playing 5 minutes of what sounded like Zimbabwean rap before the meeting.

Scientists have created an AI-powered laser turret that kills cockroaches. No, really.

You know what's going to happen, right?

It starts with roaches. Then those little, incredibly annoying fruit flies. Then cats. Finally, the military gets hold of it and orders a million from Northrup Grumman. It is set to kill the enemy. Only there's a hiccup in the AI and it winds up killing our own people. This winds up taking out the entire battalion, because they'll stand there in abject horror. Northrup Grumman will apologize and charge double for the next batch, because they're 'upgraded' to not kill any of our own soldiers wearing green. Grumman suggests giving them to the Russian army to test (on Iran).

Meanwhile, PETA is protesting the killing of millions of innocent cockroaches by blocking the roads into garbage dumps. 

The House of Representatives is putting forth a bill that would ban stock trading for spouses and children of the officials. Called the Pelosi Bill, it is meant to stem making lots of cash via insider information.  The completely without cost bill was left overnight on someone's desk and the next morning contained $47 billion in pork, including $80 million for Guatamalan grass futures and $40 billion for the Pelosi Retirement Group. The bill was only slightly modified the next night to ban any stock trading over $47 billion. So now the rich will only get slightly richer and Congress appears to be doing something. All is right with the world.

Apple's commandant, Tim Cook, said there is 'no good excuse' for the lack of women in tech.

When a reporter asked why Apple's board is all white and male, Cook became enraged and told the reporter there would be NO new iPhone for her. The reporter had to be rushed, by ambulance, to a cardiac specialty hospital, where she is being treated for No 5G and unspecified mental issues.

Brazil election: ‘We'll vote for Bolsonaro because he is God’

Wow. We haven't seen anything like this since Obama! 

Hurricanes: are they getting more violent?

Yes.

It's because there's no positive male role model in the home. When they go out in groups, they're completely out of control. More often than not, they wind up in the FEMA system and jail, where they only learn to become more violent. It's a vicious cycle.

Hilaree Nelson: Body of famed US climber found on Mt Manaslu in Himalayas

The climbers had to wade through the snickers wrappers and other dead bodies to get to her. Johnny Smegma, head of rescue operations/body retrievals, lamented that everybody who's driven up a hill thinks they can climb a Himilayan mountain. Very few people recognize the incredible strain of the head of rescue operations/body retrievals job. A three-day work week with 120 days' vacation was instituted after many people in the job tried to leap off the mountain. So next time a body is found on a mountain, send a card and flowers to the head of rescue operations/body retrievals. They also mention they're hiring.

The Planet of California will phase out gas furnaces, water heaters by 2030

Governor Newsom said, "We're doing great things for the planet. Just go ahead and plug them all into your electrical outlets. It's not like we're having any problems with the grid."

During Hurricane Ian, Disney had to close for two days. This stunned Florida, because usually Disney makes a few calls and the weather's fine.

Pennsylvania Republican Doug Mastriano calls for 40 days of fasting to save flailing campaign

That should definitely take care of things

 Girlfriend left horrified after discovering her partner's secret sex doll dungeon

She snuck into his locked room and beheld a bunch of sex dolls. Now she's confused and doesn't know what to do.

First of all, stay out of rooms that are off-limits to you. It's obvious that your boyfriend can't trust you.

Have the dolls impacted you or your relationship?

You say you're upset because the dolls don't look like you? You pick strange battles. Only then did you leave horrified? Would it be ok if the dolls looked like you? At least this is better than having pictures, candles, and an altar dedicated to you.

 You'll always know where he is. He won't stray. He won't complain about your smaller boobs or insist you get a boob job because he has a dungeon full of big boobs to play with.  I think you're looking at this the wrong way, lady. Considering some of the less savory hobbies some men have, this is a veritable vacation.

Spend some time with them. Maybe you'll like them. Maybe you'll want to include them in your Adult Time. Ever been in a threesome with a very expensive piece of plastic? Don't knock it til you've tried it. 

 

BREAKING: Fauci’s Net Worth Soared To $12.6+ Million During Pandemic – Up $5 Million (2019-2021)

We're all shocked here. SHOCKED.

F.D.A. Approves A.L.S. Treatment Despite Questions About Effectiveness

We're all shocked here. Again.

 As I've mentioned, Berkeley is a small moon that orbits the planet of California. Everybody else refers to it as the People's Republic of Berkeley. UCB is at the center of every Great Idea on this moon. Check out the latest:

Berkeley Develops Jewish-Free Zones

Nine different law student groups at the University of California at Berkeley’s School of Law, have begun this new academic year by amending bylaws to ensure that they will never invite any speakers that support Israel or Zionism.

Some people believe that Berkeley is just theater; saying the most outrageous shit they can, to get some kind of response. Others believe that UCB should be raided and its inhabitants given a good spanking. Genghis Kahn used to put the heads of his enemies on posts, to warn potential (living) enemies. Of course if this were adopted, UCB would have Kahn exhumed and on trial quicker than you can say "But his words offended me!"

This will only lead to bigger problems. Students will be arrested for being Jewish out of spite. A single Star of David will start a Level 6 terror alert. Fact: the UCB jail is actually three times the size of the school, because just about everyone is arrested for violating some imaginary law or offending somebody.

I think we'd be best served if the student groups voted to ban guns. Posthumously.

Hurricane Mrs. lefty 

I was minding my own business, as you know I always do, in the bed. I love my bed... as does the dog. She sleeps nowhere else. She's the only dog with a sleep number bed. She keeps the number consistent unless she gets to the remote, then it all goes to hell. The light had gone out, largely because I had turned it out to aid in my process of sleep. I hoped.

Mrs. lefty was also minding her own business, which largely consisted of her business and my business. Sometimes the business includes the dog too. Business is a tough business. As I start drifting off, the huge overhead bedroom spotlight turns on, followed by a loud, minding her own business entry. I don't exactly remember why, but the bedroom light is like one of those prison spotlights, which can light up a prisoner that has gotten a mile away, after escaping in a trash bin. When caught, nobody goes near him for 3 weeks, due to the stench. At this point, I start to feel my journey to sleep will be a long one. Quiet footsteps (BANG, CRUNCH, OOPS) move toward the bed and BOOM, I'm no longer alone. This would have been cause for joy, but after 25 years, I'm just mad at the interruption. After landing in the bed, she instructs me to get up and turn the light off. Now if this isn't the most unique light remote control, I don't know what is. It's also the rudest thing I've seen in almost 25 years, a fact which I did not keep to myself. It took a while to say this, as I had to do what was necessary to prevent Verbal Violence. She had no idea why I was MAD.

When non-normal behavior occurs, something's up. I was rewarded for this observation 15 minutes later, after she had gotten out of bed, gone away, came back, turned the table lamp on (can locate an escaped prisoner for only half a mile), and started rummaging througth Stuff, making a racket. If you guessed sleep hadn't come yet, you'd be correct. In fact, I was going in the opposite direction, with agitation off the scale.

The rummaging continued, louder and more insistent, but not at the rhythmic level (yet). At this point I figure somebody is trying to get at me. Somebody really nasty. You say to yourself, "But she's your wife. Why would she be nasty, especially in bed?" You answered your own question. Just in case you don't believe me, she left the bedroom and left the light on. I contemplated vaporizing the lamp, but realized I lack the ability. They're putting backpacks on cockroaches and making remote lasers to destroy them, so why can't I have lasers to do lamp destruction? I could try flinging something at the lamp, but there's an approximate 99% chance I'd miss. The 1% is just a lucky throw. I also realize that knocking over a lamp is not a terribly good idea, electrically speaking, as the firemen told me last time. I uttered some choice not-in-the-dictionary words and got up to shut the lamp off.

I don't know how it happened, but I eventually fell asleep. When I came downstairs, Hurricane Mrs. lefty had been there, with complete areas unpassable. There was a FEMA truck outsode, and several pieces of heavy machinery attempting to clear the debris. 25 years of marriage prepared me for sights like this, so I just started my coffee, after clearing a path. 

It all became clear 5 minutes later. "Have you seen my glasses?"

Uh-oh.

This is not what you want to hear coming from a grown woman at 7 in the morning. The hurricane and bedroom light show were all part of searching for the glasses. Searching is a misnomer, as when there are no glasses, there is no vision. So I got dragged into this, in spite of mentioning the fact that my boss likes to see me at least once every day. We took apart areas that have never been taken apart. We found things we never knew were missing. Bodies of guests who helped us move in, 25 years ago. Pizza they were eating after they helped us. Errant cases of Yoo Hoo and a cat we didn't know we had.

But no glasses.

How does a blind person lose glasses? They're only off her face when she's sleeping, and not always then. Sometimes she wears them to see her dreams better. The problem here, aside from taking a day off to search, then go buy new ones, is that her prescription is.... odd. A triple stigma, deviated septum, glaucoma-like fuzz (without the glaucoma), and seven other things I can't spell. The glasses wind up costing more than the car. And it's not like one just walks in and walks out with them. I will have to do everything but brush her teeth for the next few weeks. Small wonder the dog was acting so weirdly yesterday. She plays dumb, so when we tell her to locate the glasses, she just stares at us and wags her tail. Plus, Wife has to find the right ugly frames. I love her, but never her glasses. People compliment them and I somehow manage to shut up, although it hurts. Keeping sarcasm in will soon be discovered to cause cancer, along with everything else. Since I don't do most of the other things, this will be my way to cancer. It's not like I'll die from a drug overdose or watching too much football.

I need glasses too. My problem is not the prescription, it's the frames. All I want is stupid huge aviator frames, like all the sunglasses on every rack in every store. Women have no trouble getting them, but men are screwed.  Just like with birth control pills.

In spite of 2 hours' sleep, I logged into email. There are certain ways to announce certain things, but email is not the way for your doctor to announce that the entire practice is shutting down. There is a small chance that patients might need things, like medicine and that form to get them out of jury duty, because they have the IQ of a paper clip. So I have a nagging feeling I have to shop for a new doctor.

This has put a small dent in my day.

Meanwhile, Wife has grown tired of The 2022 Great Search for the Glasses and has taken the rest of the morning off to sleep. To balance out the universe, I should turn on the spotlight in the bedroom.

• Please do yourself a favor: when you rent a car, stay out of the 'infotainment system's' ability to sync anything. You will forget to wipe your data and the next person who rents the car will have access to it all. 
• Thank you

Journalist Gayle King applauded Elon Musk's bid to buy Twitter ('a gangsta move'), and then Musk said Oprah should be on the board. This has been identified as the moment Musk pulled his bid.

My feet are full of holes, like some advanced form of Swiss cheese.

Why?

Because I keep shooting myself in them. I absolutely insist upon it.

It's kinda sad, because I don't always realize it - I just do it naturally.

If somebody's around to tell me I'm doing it, I just shoot faster.

Nowhere is this more apparent than my secure browsing setup.  I have Firefox so tightened down that it won't even display some websites. Firefox tells me the page is all loaded, but it's blank. I miss a lot of pages like this, because of a short attention span combined with a small capacity to tolerate crap. I have to keep a bunch of browsers around, set to less locked down and almost NOT locked down, so I can get where I want to (if I haven't given up yet). One shouldn't surf with a not-locked-down browser. You'll pick up bugs that even Lord Fauci can't identify. Oddly enough, I only use it for important financial transactions, hoping the mortgage site is safely set up (it's not).  If I used Firefox, the site wouldn't come up at all.

And it's all my fault. If I didn't lock Firefox down, I could see any site I wanted. It's so locked down, I can't even tell you which control to change to unlock it (bloody javascript). 

Don't Shoot the Asteroids - You'll Only Make Them Mad

 

Your love is like  local radio

Know what I hate? Many many things. Incredible numbers. Minor annoyances to some are sources of great anger to me. In fact, it's much easier and time-saving to list the things that I don't hate, but we're not here for that. The blog would get very boring. Some would say we've already achieved that milestone.

Where was I?  Oh.  

I hate when flying things get up my nose. 

Today I identify as  a book the religiously-addled got banned

Speaking of which, libraries all over the country are getting death and bomb threats. You're not going to believe this, but it tends to happen around LGBTQ events. Learn to use your words, children. Didn't someone say something about loving the sinner but hating the sin? Oh, you chose to ignore that part of your religion.  I wonder if these are the same people bombing abortion clinics. Nah, these are little people with big mouths. And very small penises. Hey Billy Bob... show us where that book hurt you.

So we (Earth, NASA) shot up asteroids during the Double Asteroid Redirect Test (DART). It appears that playing video games as a kid is finally paying off! Imagine the smirks you'll have the next time you see your parents, who told you you'd amount to nothing, playing Asteroids all day.

It remains no surprise that we like to blow shit up. We fired at the Moon twice. One must admit, firing on a huge piece of rock, hurtling toward the planet, has some real value. Unless you belong to the large group that thinks Earth is in dire need of a reset.

I mentioned a nasty problem I had with my cell phone provider; the one that rhymes with Purrizon. I got hit with a surcharge because they want me to sign up for their more expensive plan. This was already done once, under the guise that my plan was going away. Then I got 'hung up on' by a representative in chat. I filed a complaint with the FCC, who delivered it to Purrizon, which is expected to contact me to work the issue out.

The point here, aside from me being pissed off, is that we need to stand up to this crap.  If your provider is being unreasonable, go to the regulating agency (FCC) and file a complaint. This goes for whatever industry. When I was younger, the auto insurer tried to screw me for an awful lot of money. One complaint later and I had a decent rate. Find out who regulates the industry and fill out a complaint. The companies do not want too many complaints, so get out there and do your worst. Now, don't get me started on phones if I have to change providers. 

While we're not getting me started on things, my $60 plan costs $90 because of all the federal and state taxes and surcharges. For all I use my phone, I should get a burner. 

UPDATE 

I got a response within 2 days. The long and short of it is that "We ain't doin nuthin."

• The surcharge was actually a price increase, except it wasn't noted correctly.
• They reserve the right to adjust (increase) their plans whenever the sun shines (or it's cloudy).
• I can change plans at will (I can upgrade to a more expensive plan at will).
• Yes, their bottom-rung plan runs between $96 and $105
• Maybe I'd like to try their prepaid plans, starting around $40 for 5g/month (never mentioned by rep, who hung up on me), I can use my current phone+number, but my phone isn't 5G, if that matters.

Now it's up to me to decide.

The selection of phones is naturally difficult to navigate, and you have to do a lot of research to find out which phone does what. There's a phone decision helper, which is actually helpful. But you have to scrutinize every function and line, including the plan. There are still phones that were available a few years ago, so research is imperative (unless you don't care or want top of the line). The customer reviews were dismal for each phone. LG, my favorite, stopped making phones entirely, so we're left with Samsung and Motorola. Or Google and Apple, which I wouldn't touch with a 47' pole. Samsung is the 5,000lb gorilla. Motorola has good low and midline phones. The powerful phones are ridiculously expensive. I want a lot of horsepower, but not gaming, video, and gee-whiz cameras. I'm way out in left field, where I've made a comfortable home.

It's somewhat obvious the FCC complaint shook a  branch. Remember this in case your provider screws you over (but use wisely).

Yet another consequence of the Flying AIDS: You can only buy rolls in an 8 pack. I guess someone was terrified of a Flying AIDS positive passing it on via rolls. Now we have to freeze or throw out food. Before it turns blue and fuzzy, of course. There are only 2 of us and the dog doesn't like bread.

The deli counter now has a minimum 30 minute wait (and a 3 drink minimum). Their staff of 12 is down to 5. Where are the people going? Now that unlimited unemployment cash has dried up, are they all retiring? There's no shortage of employers waiting to pay people outrageous hourlies for many jobs. Maybe we can employ some private investigators or out-of-work economists to track people down. 

ThermionicEmissions: putting people back to work.

I haven't been following this closely, but apparently Biden wants something done about TikTok because it's Chinese-owned, making it a security risk. Way to go, Joe. No, I have not been kidnapped, leaving my pleasant clone to run the blog.

So I'm watching the news and continue to notice Interesting Things about news. There is some sort of unwritten rule where, when they go to someone outside the studio, this person stands there, nodding their head. When it's time to speak, they're still nodding their head and saying nothing. Eventually they have some helpful input. Every time. 

Anchor: There's been a lot of weather out there today.

Weatherman (outside in rain, nodding along subtly)

Anchor: So we go to Bob the Weatherman. Bob, how's it going out there?

Weather: (still nodding, pausing) (pausing) Yes, Jim, there's certainly a lot of it about.

It doesn't matter if it's weather or court or somebody doing something at Walmart, where most things happen in America.

Producer: (off air) Bob, I've got some news.

Weatherman: Uh-oh

Producer: Bob, I'm going to give your career a boost.

Weatherman: Please don't send me outside.

Producer: Bob, you're perfect for this. This is a category 4 hurricane that's coming in. This is your big chance.

Weatherman: I beg you. Last time all of my clothes were soaked within 10 seconds.

Producer: We're going to take care of you. Here's a jacket with our logo on it. Wait - wear this 'special' helmet in case any trees come flying by. It's got a locator with ID, so we can identify your body.

Weatherman: I'm standing outside the door and I'm already soaked. And I'm not wearing the special helmet.

Producer: But we have goggles too! One more thing... always keep your feet at least 4' apart. The winds are about 90mph, so you might blow away. We're keeping the camera guys indoors so nothing happens to them. The electrical transformers make horrible explosions when they fall from the poles.

Weatherman: Tell my kids I love them.

This morning, the weather lady started her bit. She's oddly not over the top in her dress, hair, or makeup. The front of her front doesn't extend out much closer to the camera than the rest of her. Her dress is red, but not fire engine red, and she doesn't look much like a hooker (this can be good or bad, depending on your personal taste). The dress isn't even ridiculously tight. She's pretty. She's delightfully narrow up top, widening at the hips. I like skinny, sue me.

Then she turns sideways to point to something on the map. A tornado or something, I dunno. Then I see it: the back of her dress starts a delicious curve over the back of her front. I hear music. I stop being in the present and just marvel at magnificence of the simple geometry. 

I'm not a butt guy. I am especially not a large butt guy. She didn't have a biggun and the curve of the dress over what she did have was astounding in the moment.

This is why men fight wars and write poetry. A simple curve. Women are the greatest gift ever given to us. 

Another small hack exposed about 40% of Australian citizens.

They better hurry up and do nothing about it.

Rolling Stone magazine came out with the top tv shows of all time. This was mentioned on our local news. It's not that Rolling Stone became irrelevant many years ago, but Seinfeld is on the list. The host said if Friends was above it, he was going to cry. This is why I stopped watching tv and local news. Rolling Stone was long gone, even before they called Kurt Cobain a great guitar player, right up there with Hendrix. They obviously get much better drugs than the rest of us.

• Please don't make me change out my fan for a heater. I beg you.

There's a new type of malware in town and it's called Tesla.

I haven't seen the technical breakdown yet, but I suspect it makes your computer's battery spontaneously combust

Speaking of tv, more and more commenters are being fired for racist and offensive comments. We're all getting tired of this. I think it would be way more interesting to have the onscreen folks compete for most offensive comments. The whining would intensify, but the networks will be surprised to find viewership went up. Aside from the vocal minority, people love offensive stuff. It's comedy, people. No one's forcing you to watch it.

While I'm on my offensive for offensive content, I'm getting more than tired of gluten-free this and that. Yes, my Coke is gluten-free. Yesterday I went to a home improvement store and you'll be happy to learn the wood there is gluten-free. I did have to ask the manager if the screws were gluten-free, but he assured me all the metal in the store was gluten-free. What we need here is Gluten World, where everything has extra gluten. And extra peanuts, in cast there are any peanut allergies. Plus a supply of epi-pens up front, in case anybody with an allergy walks into the store by mistake.

But no, I'm not done being offensive yet. I was watching the news when the Florida hurricane hit. It was a great press opportunity, so the governor was out in public a lot. Naturally there were sign language interpreters live and in-person. I don't know where he got them, but they obviously graduated from the Overactive School of Sign Language. One had a black suit with a white tie. I think this was supposed to say, "You WILL pay attention to me. Or your store will catch fire. Fires happen." That wasn't enough, though. He was overly expressive and demonstrative. The other one was a lady with very loud, long hair, who put her entire body into interpretation. It was a very physical sport, and when she was done with the 3 minute speech, she had to go home and rest for 12 hours. She considers herself a Speech Athlete.

Offensive enough?

Today's Best Overheard: "I can't decide whether to have cereal or chopped liver for breakfast"

Speaking of chess, there's apparently a big to-do in chess, as a champion is accused of cheating. Only they don't know how he cheated. But along comes Elon Musk to save the day. He says it could be done with a set of vibrating anal beads. And maybe some Morse code too! Just think... you can play your favorite game while your butt is vibrating. That's two favorite things, if you're into that sort of activity. I'd imagine it could work against you, though. Your train of thought could become completely interrupted, if you know what I mean. Your opponent might see your eyes rolling up into your head and use the opportunity to get ahead.

Musk must live an interesting life. He sees cheating and chess and comes up with Butt Stuff<tm>. He's a hero to the common man. The hero we need. Just pray the anal beads don't catch fire.

Instagram has permanently banned Pr0nhub's account, where it was just suspended until now. This was pushed by certain groups, to no one's surprise. The reason given was repeated violation of Instagram's platform. The only problem is that Instagram cannot say which part of their platform caused the ban. I guess we're supposed to take their word for it. Quite an impressive flotilla of coalitions and adult performers have signed on against the ban. The only thing that occurs to me is that Instagram and the right wing, religiously-addled groups are not going to be impressed by adult entertainer signatures. Remember: their freedom of speech is your freedom of speech.

History will not look favorably upon us. 

We're being told what we can and cannot see and read by the right and the left.

All of the Sudden, Everybody Wants to be Friends Without Benefits

Your love is like the forthcoming monkeypox pandemic

President Biden Surprises Teary Elton John With National Humanities Medal at White House Concert

Kept referring to him as Sir Robert Plant

Today I identify as  Apollo 19




'State's going to s**t!' Aaron Rodgers blasts California's COVID closures he says destroyed small businesses in his hometown and lashes woke new 'misinformation' bill for doctors

Wow, I never expected to find myself agreeing with a quarterback. This guy has his eyes open. He needs to join us in the Real World, in case California decides to de-orbit.

 

As streamers threaten boycott, Twitch takes action on some gambling content

The users themselves started whining and got some of the gambling canceled. Gambling is perfectly legal, but the users are upset about some people who can't handle themselves.

I guess we'll have to stop drinking, because people still drive drunk. Stop driving, because people can't drive well. Stop picturing attractive people because some people get the wrong impression. No pictures of children because pedophiles. Let's sanitize everything. We're working diligently on eliminating all personal responsibility.

Speaking of which... 

NTSB wants alcohol detection systems installed in all new cars in US

Presumed guilty until proven innocent. The masses shall suffer for the complete lack of personal responsibility of the few.

What about a system that can prevent people from driving while stupid? 

Where did this come from?  Congress and your president. Let's transport ourselves back 4 years:  Not My President. #ImpeachBiden.

 

BUT WAIT!!!

The FDA is warning teens not to cook chicken in Nyquil. Instead, they're recommending laundry pods, like the kids are supposed to use.

The NTSB is insisting on a sensor that won't activate the Nyquil until it smells dirty clothes.

The makers of Nyquil insist this is not an issue: they are teaching teens to marinate, an important part of cooking.

Spokespersons for Tik Tok say they're glad people are starting to do the same stupid shit they do on all the other social media platforms. It feels like they've arrived.

Spokespersons for ThermionicEmissions say, "We'll never run out of Stupid."

Biden calls pandemic “over” despite pathetic booster rates and new variants

Be fair - he's not a doctor. Or much of a president. 

In a recent interview, he left open the idea of running again. I think he should start running now, and not stop. Has America not had enough cognitive decline? Giveaways? Taxes? Or do they want to watch him decompensate onstage?

Don't think of the space program as a humongous drain of tax dollars or JFK comparing size with the Russians..... check out some great inventions that have filtered down to us from NASA.

 

Football disorder in England and Wales reaches eight-year high - Home Office

It took me a while to figure this headline out. I thought football disorder was some sort of injury, like Traumatic Brain Injury. They're referring to Football Hooliganism. Fights. Bad sportsmanship. Head-butting children and vendors. Throwing people with opposing team shirts over the railing onto the field. Then going to the pub and doing it all over again.

The article seems to be complaining about the very points that make football football. It should be bragging that the disorder is the highest ever, not complaining. This could be used in a commercial, to sell more tickets! Granny in her shoulder pads, with a cricket bat. Little boys with pipes and guns. All smiling, cheering their team on, and assaulting anyone they see as even slightly being for the other team. Not to mention free-flowing beer and ale. In or out of times of international crisis, This Is Football!

Tesla Megapack battery ignites at substation after less than 6 months

God bless you, Elon Musk. I knew you wouldn't disappoint us.

This time it wasn't even a car - it was an electrical substation. It's heartwarming to see that you're extending your reach (your flammability?) to the electrical grid. You should look into powering the White House: if nothing else, it might keep them awake. Never mind - they do their most frightening work while awake.

I can't wait til the NTSB demands explosion detectors on electric cars. Or refuses to allow anyone under 10 inside them while moving.

Speaking of which, 1.1 million Teslas are affected by an issue with the windows, which will apparently not stop if your arm (or any other part of you, Elon) is in the way. The good news: it can be fixed with a software update. The bad news: OUCH! 

So if you're the Hampton, Virginia library, your website got a lot more interesting in the last few months: it comes up as an adult site. Either no one noticed or the site was way better than the original library page. Or both. Yet there's always some ninny who complains. I think the library could be on the cusp of something brilliant. We could get a lot more input and cooperation with government if people were involved. To get them involved, we need to get them interested. See where this is going? 

Doctors remove 50 large batteries from woman’s stomach, colon:

• trying to meet Elon Musk?
• wanted to Keep on Going?
• didn't know eating batteries was bad for you? Now the NTSB will have to figure out a way to make people prove they're not going to eat the battery before they use it.
• needed to gain a few pounds?
• "vitamin B tastes horrible and I needed a little jolt"
• wanted to be famous without shooting up a school?

My great love for Microsoft is no secret.

Actually, I am a huge supporter of Microsoft - I like their mice and love their ergonomic keyboards. This morning it all ended: neither of my keyboards was working. It seems my laptop had rejected them. Sometimes I wonder what life is like for normal people.

The Girls Who Code series of books to encourage girls to program will no longer appear in classrooms in York, Pennsylvania. No one is entirely sure why. It's not like they have references to sex in them. No one has replied to the author's queries. Isn't it wonderful when you can get a book pulled? How long til we bring back them good old book burnings? Words hurt. Words kill. Words offend.

Him: What do you want for dinner?

Her: I'm starting it now.

Him: That's very nice, thank you! What is it?

Her: Salisbury Steak, mashed potatoes. Would you go downstairs and bring up the Salisbury Steak and a vegetable, please?

Him: Good thing you were starting it. If I hadn't happened by here, we'd have starved.

Her: Preheat to 375. Check the box, it's either 375 or 350. Make sure you put a 2" slit in the plastic and put it on a baking sheet.

Him: Who's making this dinner?

Her: Cook the Brussels sprouts in the microwave and the potatoes on the stove.

Him: Are you sure you want to make dinner tonight?

Her: Check the sprouts - sometimes they come out a little cold in the center.

Him: Will do. What time do you expect to be done cooking?

Her: Everything should be ready as soon as the steak comes out.

Him: I love your cooking.

Her: You're welcome.

WTF is Salisbury Steak?  Never mind, I probably don't want to know. 

It's no doubt the ground beef form of hot dogs.

My mother-in-law talked about meat cakes for the better part of a day once. I still can't tell them apart from hamburgers. But you know... I'm ok with that. It made her happy to talk about them, so I was happy to listen, even if I didn't understand. Plus she was cooking, which is always good.  Now my wife laughs at me because I still don't understand the difference. She insists there's a difference. I think this is some sort of IQ test, and I've failed.  Like the time they sent my sister-in-law out for a left handed smoke shifter. If someone hadn't gone after her (a few hours later), she'd still be looking.

Very clever, ATF

An Empty Coffee Cup is a Metaphor for Life

 

Your love is like squirrel parfait

I just put on an obviously clean shirt. Only it has dog hair all over it. The dog has figured out a way to get her hair all over clean laundry too. It saves her from rubbing all over it when we first put it on. I apologize for saying she wasn't the smartest pup in the litter - just the prettiest.

Today I identify as  a Mack truck (in transition)

Sometimes in the mornings I take a smoke break. I don't smoke.

One day I looked down and discovered a beer belly. I don't drink beer.

I'm terrified of runner's leg, smoker's lung, over-exercising, pothead brain fog, heroin arms, and Congressional ethics.

Is somebody trying to tell me something? 

Wife related a story about my dear departed Marshall the cocker.  Apparently he had never seen a body of water. She took him to a lake and he wasn't entirely sure what to do with it. He put a paw in the water, confused that he could not walk on it. After that, he was perfectly happy to play in it and he got his own little plastic pool for the yard. I suggested he avoid walking on the water, as it tends to cause a commotion. 

Recently I looked down and found what looks like a plus sign on my arm. I hate it when body parts try to communicate it with me. I noticed that any communications from beyond reality seem to be garbled. Think about dreams and messages from Elsewhere. They're never clear. They never say, for instance, "Do not take crap, especially from your neighbors." Or, "Nuclear weapons should be reserved for the most formidable opponents."  No sir, they're always in pictures or allegories or similes or other things you cannot understand equally. In your dream, you watch a yak going into a small building and brushing his teeth. Somehow you are expected to get from this that you really should be nicer to your mother. Those of us who never went to college or have serious A.D.D. always get "Huh?" from these things. This only benefits two kinds of people: the Really Deep Thinkers, who tend to just get it, and the people who travel around giving seminars on What it All Means. The seminar givers don't actually know more than you; their conscience is just assuaged by the steady stream of money fleeced from everybody else. If there are indeed pearly gates, they aren't allowed through (but a toll is collected first).

A small bit of brown marker could turn my plus sign into a bit of a cross. If Marshall were still alive, we could both walk on water and I'd never have to work. But I'd never get used to the circus that would spring up around me wherever I went. This would be very different from the circus in which I live. At very least, it would involve an awful lot more people, and they'd all be expecting things. In truth, I don't mind doing things for people, but I could imagine it quickly getting out of hand. First, Penny would bark at Marshall because she doesn't like dogs.  It would only go downhill from there. People would expect me to do all sorts of stuff which I am not equipped to do. 

"Oh, give us a miracle, please."  

Miracle? You got the wrong guy, lady.

"No, you are divine."

Wife once said that, but it wasn't around a miracle and I ain't doing it with you. Wife gets Very Upset about this sort of thing.

"But how can you deny your divinity?"

How can you deny your ugly?

"But you have The Mark."

It's just a freckle.

"He speaks through freckles."

Look, I just washed off the marker - it's just a plus sign.

"No, you're a sign to humanity. You just don't know it yet."

Apparently.

"Do something divine."

I can make butter cream vanilla icing. That's damn divine.

"Walk on the puddle over there."

See, this is the problem. Walk across one lake and all of the sudden, people demand stuff of you. You are no longer yourself's; you are the property of the public.

"Cure my son... he has no filters."

Neither do I, Sir. Selfish bastard.

"My daughter has Oppositional Defiant Disorder."

NO SHE DOESN'T!

"My eyebrows... they're weird."

Stop plucking them.

"I'm cured! He cured me!"

[groan] This was better in theory than practice. Marshall - get off the lake, we're going home. You should probably stop talking til we get there.

The sad thing is that once the marker washed off, there was only the plus sign. I was then besieged by a bawdy band of accountants, who all figured I knew the sum.

* Marshall: please come home.

Some guy in Georgia just got ten years for involuntary manslaughter. His story goes that he was minding his own business, when a car came up and tried to run him over. The occupants were shouting racial epithets (the guy is black). He whipped out his trusty AK47 and started firing into the vehicle, killing a 17 year old female. The kids deny shouting at him and his girlfriend, who was walking with him, never heard anything.

Either there were voices or there weren't. This really bothers me. It's not all that difficult to discern whether or not there were epithets. There is no known phenomenon that will cause voices out of the blue, especially those of a racial nature. Simply because the kids happened to get into a Dodge Charger would not cause words to appear out of nowhere. The exhaust sound would be deafening, but would not contain or translate into speech.

I think if he's hearing persecutory voices, perhaps he needs to see somebody. I missed the full story, but he just happened to have his trusty AK47 with him? That must've made quite the spectacle, walking down the street. In fact, if the kids in the vehicle saw him carrying it, it would act to dissuade them from shouting anything except, "Good morning, Sir! Fine day. That's quite a piece of hardware you have there. Please do not discharge it in our direction." 

Also a little off-putting were the people who wanted to let the guy go with time served. He did manage to kill a child, which should count for something. Even in Georgia. Well, he didn't mean to. Ok, then.

What have we learned? That Congress needs to pass laws forbidding the hearing of racial epithets, doubly so while armed. If you just let them, government will take care of all of our problems. And money.

I come from the time when, if you dyed your hair, you did everything you could to not let the roots show. Now it's virtually mandatory. Not that anyone would notice bleached blonde hair with 3" brown roots.....  don't even get me started on bra straps...

Mrs. lefty called, from many states away, on vacation. She told me a card game had just broken out. Old maid. I guess she was right - I could never compete. I hear they're going to the supermarket tomorrow!

The Pentagon has ordered a review of US psyops on social media

Never in a million years would I have expected this headline. The long and short of it is that the Pentagon was messing around with opinions through fake social media accounts, and social media was throwing them off. Take a moment to spit out your Kool Aid over this. At least we know the Pentagon isn't sending down the narrative for social media to repeat and police.

Remember: If you read nothing else today, but have read this.. you will have read nothing else but this.

 Remember the Uvalde high school shooting, where the police took 77 minutes to do something? Freedom of information requests for messages sent from the former chief keep getting rejected for the strangest reasons:

1. it would expose our procedures and tactics, creating safety issues
2. "Temporary custodians" of the data only turned over a little of it
3. "They're incredibly important"
4. The video that everybody's seen does not exist
5. lawyers for the City of Uvalde claimed it doesn’t have to release records because they could contain “highly embarrassing information” or regard “emotional/mental distress,”

Judging by the city's complete failure to produce the information, it's going to be a real doozie, should it ever make it out of somebody's trunk, before it gets buried 20' down, below the bodies, in the concrete. Here are some of the things they don't want you to see..

1. Donkey show
2. they didn't know anything was going on
3. data would show highly regarded guardians of law had peed their pants. Or somebody's pants.
4. they forgot their guns
5. it might affect pensions and future employment
6. had to go back to the station to change into men's underwear.
7. watching terrorist training videos on YouTube
8. "We're not going in there - we could get hurt! Can't we send the lunch ladies instead?"
9. Couldn't find Pelosi to tell the shooter he shouldn't have guns
10. Chief was out 'hunting wabbit'

Best Headline

Britons Back New King Charles, So Long as He Keeps Quiet

I think the Britons have reached a new level of intelligence and truth. We Merkuns would do well to learn from them. Incidentally, his numbers rose as soon as he became King. Not sure what this says about the Britons, but let's choose to ignore that now.

HOWEVER, things are a little different in Charles' world....

Charles: Kneel before your king!

Camilla: I will NOT.

Charles: But I am your sovereign.

Camilla: I told you a long time ago, I don't DO that.

Charles: I could have you thrown in the dungeon.

Camilla: Now we're talking!

According to a study, antidepressants work better than sugar pills only 15% of the time. Rather than spend any time on this, we need to look into the sugar pills. They indicate the mind/body is doing the work. The brain is the strongest, most fascinating part of our body. We have little idea how it works. Big Pharma wants no part of anything they can't sell pills to counter.

As a big Joe Cocker fan, I loved this.... it also gave me even more respect for someone else:

Just before his life-changing performance at the Woodstock festival, he played the Whisky A Go Go in Los Angeles. During his show-stopping rendition of With A Little Help From My Friends, a nubile admirer was hoisted on to her companion’s shoulders. She then proceeded to unzip Cocker’s jeans and give him a blow job in front of the entire audience. According to the Rolling Stone reviewer John Mendelsohn, ‘He gave the scream of his career as she worked the Cocker cock with considerable fervour.’

Joe recalls: “Jimi Hendrix was in the audience that night, sitting in a dark booth with a lot of groupies. I was just doing my thing when this lady… er, appeared. After the show I met Hendrix, and he was laughing his head off because he’d put her up to it.” He tried not to sing out of key. 

A few days ago, there was sweat dripping down my forehead. This morning it feels like time to turn on the heater (it's 50). Ah yes, it's Switch Time. We only have two seasons: summer and winter, with odd interlopers. It's never forecast, but we know that Someone has tripped the Winter switch on days like this. We hope it's just a fluke, and history shows we'll be back to sweating in a few days. At least the Southwest is just plain HOT. You always know what to expect (like in Hell). 

I always wanted to move out of the area because I hate the weather. One of the few things holding me here was the One True Pizza<tm>. Now that they've gone to hell, there's just Family, which isn't always as important as getting the right pie. I'd have to say goodbye to humidity and constant gloom. Who would want to do that? 

UN chief asks wealthy nations to impose windfall taxes on fossil fuel industry

I think the UN was a great idea, in practice. It has failed completely and now wants to dictate additional taxes to member nations. The US is sovereign and must always remain that way. We have enough trouble with our own, without dictates from outside. Yes, I understand what they were going for.

The James Webb telescope has just provided pictures of Neptune's rings. 

Neptune has rings? Since when?

Immediately after the pictures arrived, representatives for Saturn declared a solar system-wide strike, saying, "HEY - we have all the rings here." They refused to recognize Neptune's rings, and are calling anything Neptune says 'ringist.'

Meanwhile, President Biden promised Saturn $55 billion in Really Foreign Aid to 'get to the bottom of this.'

In unrelated news, the Government Accounting Office put out a release in response to the president's query as to why the deficit is climbing so rapidly. When asked for comment, the press discovered the GAO had given up and shot itself.