Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, who pops out every February 2 to determine the weather for the next six weeks, has been found dead outside of his hole.
Punxsutawney Police publicity proctor Paul Pango described the injury as a single gunshot-inflicted wound to the head. According to witnesses, Phil popped out and saw his shadow this morning. Traditionally this means six more weeks of winter.
Further investigation indicates foul play, as we all know one cannot see shadows without sunshine. The Pennsylvania area is famous for its 265 out of 365 days of rain and/or gloom. In fact, London called and it wants its weather back. Meanwhile, Pennsylvania is slated to pass Seattle, Washington, as the suicide capital of the United States.
Interviews with Phil's family state that he had grown despondent over the pervasive lack of sunshine in the area lately, combined with worry over the state of the economy and fears of more of the same from whoever gets elected president next.
Phil's doctor confirms he was suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is usually suffered during the winter months. Treatment for SAD includes light therapy and time in the sun, which is virtually impossible in Punxsutawney, as well as most of Pennsylvania.
In other news, Pennsylvania's governor, Tom Corbett, declared that auto manufacturers must retroactively provide refunds to owners who purchased cars with a sunroof. Furthermore, all solar-powered lawn lights will be returnable for a full refund. The governor referred to these are cruel jokes and an example of the anti-Pennsylvania bias in the media.
If you have any questions, please visit the National Alliance for Mental Health or Groundhog study.