I Identify as an Octopus

When you first come upon ThermionicEmissions, after the shock and horror has worn off, please check out the Pages, found right above this text. Recent additions are the timeline for Hillarygate and Windows 10 cautions.


The Chinese, fresh from their attacks on the Office of Personnel Management and United Airlines, decided to hack Kim Kardashian. They quickly realized that there's nothing there.

• Listening to music before, during and after an operation reduces pain. Unless it's Miley Cyrus.

An Australian doctor suggests people consider the diets of Holocaust victims if they want to lose weight. Also suggests people consider the flight of Amelia Earhart if they want to vacation.

• The first case of cyber-flashing has occurred in England. A woman traveling on a train in south London had two pictures of an unknown man's penis appear on her iPhone. Yes, Apple comes to the rescue again with its Airdrop sharing function. The lady had forgotten to turn it off, allowing picture transfer. I am assigning the blame to three parties:

1. to the lady for not turning off Airdrop
2. to the flasher for not even bothering to let the lady know whose penis it was
3. to Apple because everyone knows ThermionicEmissions doesn't do iDevices

The federal government has amassed $2,672,414,000,000 in federal taxes (10 months through fiscal 2015), which comes out to $17,955 per taxpayer. In spite of this bald-faced thievery, there is a $465.5 billion deficit. Mad yet? How much of your money goes to other countries, the military-industrial complex, black budget projects, corporate welfare and general government malfeasance?  ADDITIONAL: the debt has been frozen for 150 days because DC hasn't managed to RAISE the debt ceiling yet again.

• Chelsea Manning, (formerly known as Bradley) is in trouble. While Bradley (stay with me - it's complicated), he exposed government secrets. As with all whistleblowers under this most transparent of administrations, he got thrown in jail.  Now she has been thrown in indefinite solitary confinement because of expired toothpaste and a copy of Vogue magazine with Caitlyn Jenner on it. Expired toothpaste? C'mon guys - couldn't you come up with something more creative (like one ply toilet paper instead of two)? As for Vogue, I believe anybody with a copy of Caitlyn Jenner on anything should be thrown into solitary.

The EPA continues to be very sorry about dumping three million gallons of toxic orange sludge into the Animas River in Colorado. In an effort to prove that the water was no longer orange, the mayor had a swim in the river. In unrelated news, the mayor of Colorado's eyebrows (and nipples) have fallen off.

• While typing up this nonsense, I have come to wonder if an italic period looks different from a regular period.

I don't think I'm getting the hang of this texting thing. Sure, I can type dirty words at my wife, but my next door neighbor at work, ten feet away, sends me texts all day.  Not entirely understanding why the gentleman can't simply ask me using his voice (an outdated technology?) so I guess it's me... Small wonder he goes through girlfriends like my wife goes through Coca-Cola (she has a real drinking problem).

• Just when you thought Selfie Culture couldn't get any weirder, news comes from Russia of an online groups that encourages taking selfies with the dead and posting them for prizes. Hey Bob - good composition (decomposition?). Nice makeup. Your picture really stiffed. That store looked awfully dead.  Must've been cold as a morgue in there. That shot really shows the rigors of mortis. Was he waving? Was she freshly dead? Did you have to beat off the necrophiliacs for a shot? Sorry, I'm just killing today.

The Rev Al Sharpton has called on black churches to lobby in favor of the Iran deal. As Frank Zappa said, "Tax the churches". [RIP]

• Half of the young people in the UK say they're not 100% heterosexual. Three quarters have bad teeth. A gay fellow I know gets mad when you talk about bisexuals. He says they're just lazy and haven't decided which team they're on.

A Canadian firm has been granted a patent on a space elevator that will reach 12.4 miles up. This is not the elevator to get stuck behind when a frisky couple decides on some Love in an Elevator.

• Oracle's Chief Security Officer wrote a first class rant about why security experts shouldn't be finding vulnerabilities in her products. Meanwhile, Microsoft is beating itself about the head and shoulders, wondering why it didn't come up with this first.

I love to hear what other countries think of us Ugly Americans. Read what the Brits have to say about our obsession with Food on a Stick. This coming from a country where boiled food is the height of cuisine.

• The Price of Perfection: Sofia Vergara, official pinup of ThermionicEmissions, laments her 32Fs losing their perkiness and wants implants. I'll be the judge of that.

A recent study on young women in sports has brought about a new disorder: Female Athlete Triad Syndrome. It's largely the same as malnutrition but needed its own name because people in sports like to feel Special. What the namers completely failed to anticipate is the effects of referring to women as FATS.

VAN HALEN

Van Halen's on the road now, with original Three Ring Circus Master of Ceremonies David Lee Roth. But Van Halen is only tangentially related - their opening act is Kenny Wayne Shepherd. KWS (only complete idiots are allowed to refer to him this way) is an incredibly serious bluesman. You can tell because he's from the south, where you need to use your middle name to indicate your mastry of the instrument (Stevie Ray Vaughan anybody?). No one without a middle name is taken seriously in Texas.  I'd have a real problem in Texas, largely as I don't even have a last name. Or much talent.

Kenny Wayne was a childhood prodigy who studied at the feet of Stevie Ray Vaughan, sometimes literally. You can't mistake the influence in his blues. Kenny got incredibly more serious and has turned out to be a real fire-breathing bluesman, as well as hitmaker.

I have a connection to Kenny Wayne, believe it or not.  He played a big part in the Experience Hendrix tour, with his band playing in the background and his singer handling the lion's share of the vocals (this guy does not look like he sounds). Our connection stems from his ripping leads, when he stood on his monitor and stared down my wife's shirt. I have never been more proud, in spite of his repeated playing from our side of the stage. We had front-row seats, affording many of the musicians a great view, but only Kenny took the extended opportunity. He was no doubt thinking to himself what a great decision he made, becoming famous, giving him the chance to see a whole bunch of cleavage. I only wish, as compensation, that some of his talent would have rubbed off on me. Oh well, I'll always have cleavage.

Enjoy Deja Voodoo. This is an older clip, featuring his original vocalist, Corey Sterling. Note the excellent guitar faces he makes. This boy was born to be a star.

When I said opening for Van Halen, I wasn't kidding. Check this out, from July 5, 2015. He positively blazes. Notice that at no point does KWS stand on a monitor and look down anyone's shirt. Can he do slow blues? Of course.

It's Raining Laptop Parts

Everyone has had one of those days. You know, the kind of day when Murphy's Laws are the only laws that apply (and I am including gravity). When, despite your best efforts, you can do no right. When it rains and snows on your parade, causing most of the marchers to slip and fall over, with the rest of the parade tripping over the first group to go down. This domino effect causes more snow and ice, cancelling the parade and putting most of the marchers in the hospital, along with some of the spectators. At this point, insurance declares they won't cover the emergency room bill because it's an Act of God (even the people who tripped over the people who slid on the ice and fell down).

Where was I?

Oh yeah, one of Those Days.

The dog woke me up in the morning, for some attention. This is the first time he has done this. As it turned out, I had overslept and he was acting as an alarm clock.  Why haven't I learned to listen to the dog yet?

Stumbling into clothes and out of the bedroom, my glasses somehow managed to fly off the table and the trash declared that it needed to be taken out. The can is specially designed so no matter what size bag you use, it gets stuck coming out, causing all sorts of grief, cursing and hurling the can about, in the vain hope that it will free the errant bag. If and when the bag is eventually freed, it has new and improved holes in it. In places where they will be of no assistance whatsoever.

It was a bad day at work, requiring eight hours on the phone with my colleague in a different state. My ears hurt.  Once home, I sat contentedly with my laptop, checking email and doing Laptop Things. Only some of the keys felt weird. This was probably related to the somewhat dried sticky stuff on some of the keys. WHAT dried sticky stuff? Wifey didn't know and the pets were playing dumb (they're surprisingly good at it), regardless of the fact that the sticky stuff that stuck was not there last night.

I could feel it building.

At this point, the laptop started behaving as though it had gone psychotic, with random cursor movements and wacky program behavior. Either that or a hacker had gotten control and was randomly banging on random keys for his own amusement. He could have been watching the entire event for the sake of laughter, only I had taped up the camera because I'm Tinfoil Hat Security<tm>.

Reboot. This worked, for a grand total of three minutes, at which point the poltergiest returned, randomly typing nonsensical emails and sending them to the NSA. The joke was on me because the NSA already read all of my emails. The website I was reading jumped to strange adult sites, or at least that's what I told the FBI when they came to the door.

I got angry.

Cleverly, I decided it was the keyboard, as it was typing stuff by itself and the onscreen keyboard just sat there mocking me, as if it were nothing but an art project, like the CHANGE LIGHT buttons on traffic lights (or turn signals). Off to the private stockroom I went, to locate an external keyboard for testing purposes.  It was at about this point when I couldn't find many things I needed and when I tried, stuff came out of nowhere for the express purpose of falling on my head.

So I got angry.
And started screaming, because we all know that fixing computers requires a healthy dose of expletives. The dog can sense when it's coming on, at which time he runs off to the relative safety of some place that isn't near Daddy. The cat, as you'd imagine, just sits there, not caring.

Have you ever seen someone with a huge ergonomic keyboard on their lap and a laptop on a table in front of them? Someone who just discovered that the huge ergonomic keyboard on his lap would work but he needed a mouse too.

I got angry.
This time I let loose such a barrage that my friend in two counties over could hear me.

I managed to locate a mouse without much fanfare, except for the requisite amount of things materializing just for the purpose of falling about my head and shoulders.

So naturally I yelled at the wife, because she was not as smart as the dog, who was still hiding.

One external keyboard and mouse later, I had the system up. For three minutes.

So I got angry.
The neighbors were running up and down the street, yelling "EARTHQUAKE", as I growled in my best satanic voice at the errant laptop.

I was at the most horrific point I could be: time to take apart the laptop. I have a very reasonable fear of opening laptops even though I have built my own computers since day one.  Laptops have tiny little screws that hide themselves from view as soon as you try to open it up. After losing only two screws, you barely had time to notice the spring that sprung from the laptop, like Donald Trump fleeing a room full of unattractive women.

So I went to the place that has all the answers: the web. There were a whole bunch of guides to replacing keyboards and I decided the best one was the one from HP, even though they were the manufacturer of the laptop. It was pretty detailed or at least the first step was. They told me to remove the battery, which I nailed on the first try. Then they told me to remove the accessory panel. WHAT accessory panel? There was no part on the laptop with loud yellow letters that said ACCESSORY PANEL. This was because the people who write the manuals already know how to work the equipment - screw the consumers. And because I'm so attention-addled, by the time I look at the keyboard, I can't remember what the directions said.

After a surprisingly short read and only losing two screws (and something that might have been memory), I actually managed to locate the keyboard. Of course it's not that simple, nosirree. You have to remove three cables before the keyboard will come out.  Have you ever SEEN keyboard cables? They're tiny little pieces of plastic with many tiny little wires on them, roughly the size of peach fuzz but harder to see. You have to pull up the restraining bar then yank (ever so gently pull) the cable out of its connector. Go ahead - find the restraining bar, I dare you. Then try putting the cable BACK in the connector. It would be easier to bring Michael Jackson back and have Sofia Vergara agree to marry him.

Finally I removed said keyboard. I felt like the Champion of the World.  I could have done anything at that point. Anything except mowing the lawn, of course.   Then it was time to worry that the laptop wouldn't work without its keyboard. Fortunately it worked wonderfully. And when I say wonderfully, I mean it booted halfway and put something on the screen that looked like HAHAYOU'RESCREWED.

Then I got angry.
SWAT appeared outside the house, complete with Armored Personnel Carriers and automatic weapons. I think I even saw a sniper on the Crazy Lady's roof next door. It didn't surprise me much, as there's usually someone with a gun on the Crazy Lady's roof.

One more reboot seemed to solve the problem, although I swear I could hear the laptop laughing at me way down under the memory, right before the hard drive. It was being masked by the fan.

Emboldened by my hard-earned (and very loud) success, I decided to disembowel the keyboard, in hopes of fixing it before having to order a new one.  Yeah, right.  There are fewer screws in a Lincoln Navigator than in a keyboard. And they're half the size of a moderate ant (moderate being not right-wing or left-wing). It took an acetylene torch to separate the halves of the keyboard, partially due to the sticky stuff. Before you get that smirk on your face, the sticky stuff was brown and probably semi-dried soda. After I got the halves separated, there was laughter. Healing laughter. Laughter from me and laughter from the keyboard. Laughter because there was simply no way I was going to be able to fix the mess.  It was done. The keyboard won. I ordered another, oblivious of the fact that I needed to order a backlit keyboard. All I have to do is sit back and wait 10-15 days until Amazon ships it (from China). There should be a note on all Amazon products from overseas: WARNING: SHIPS FROM MONGOLIA - requires 30 days to arrive (stupid Mongorians).

I needed a small win. Something to save face. Something to take my mind off the soda-ruined keyboard and the random stuff attacking me. So I decided to type out this rant. On my cell phone.  What I always forget is that typing on my cell phone only serves to ratchet up my anxiety and make me MAD. Every time I hit a space, it ignores me. When I turn it longways, the keys aren't even as tall as the shorter way and it produces a comma for each space I type. I'm a dyslexic typist so that doesn't help either. By the time I'm two sentences in, I'm so upset that it takes all I have not to fuse the phone into the laptop and hurl them both across the room, through the tv, through the outside wall, hitting whoever it is on the Crazy Lady's roof with the sniper rifle.

When I finally put the laptop back together with its external devices and assured myself it worked, I stopped for the night. I sat down on the couch and exhaled, at which time my wife's laptop groaned and plummeted to the floor.

So I got angry.

Why Are There Lemon Bars?

When you first come upon ThermionicEmissions, after the shock and horror has worn off, please check out the Pages, found right above this text. Recent additions are the timeline for Hillarygate and Windows 10 cautions.


In a recent survey, 88% of adults said that they have sexted with someone -- 82% in the last year. So prove the psychologists right and get busy with those phones. Sext someone today. Your SO, your mistress, your relatives, random strangers...

• A Microsoft study finds technology hurting attention spans. Walrus!

Here's a Sad and Funny: Imagine if everything were priced like cable service.

• The Army wants you to watch more tv! No, really... the freedom of our nation depends on it. Read about how the crap that passes for entertainment fits in with the Army's plan... specifically mentioned was Americans Idle.... I told you so.

On the one year anniversary of the Ferguson riots, fifty people looted a beauty store, after an otherwise peaceful day. The residents are apparently upset because the police are infringing on their right to riot.

• Who woulda seen this one coming? London's gay establishments are closing due to tolerance. It's almost no fun being gay anymore.

China has been reading the emails of many top US officials. Not their secure government emails... their Gmail and other provider emails. Why are government officials using Gmail? Why did Hillary have her own server for official government businesss?

• Bob Guccione Jr has declared that today's music is no good. Stars are more interested in their social media strategy than their music.  Are you serious Bob?  Did you just come to this momentous conclusion?

Ready for the Internet of Things (IOT)? Already there's a drone that can map and hack it. Watch out what you're plugging in at your home.

• Greece has reached a deal for third bailout. What could possibly go wrong?

Hillary Clinton says all work-related emails from her private server were provided. She went on to emphasize that Bill did not have sex with that woman.

• The EPA has apologized for saying that it was cleaning up abandoned mines in Colorado. What they meant to say was that it dumped a million gallons of toxic chemicals in to the Animas River in Colorado, causing the water to turn a bright yellow.. In other news, the EPA has apologized for saying that a million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. What they meant to say was three million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. Fox reporter Megyn Kelly has blamed the spill on Donald Trump. UPDATE: the EPA says it was 'very careful' (when spilling three million gallons of toxic chemicals into the Animas River in Colorado).

In North Carolina, a man in a clown costume swung an axe at a woman. The woman was not hurt, recognized the man and swore out an arrest warrant. What has this country come to when a man can't dress as a clown and swing an axe at a woman? Isn't this why Ben Franklin fought the Germans? 

• President Obama issued an executive order calling for a massive boost in the power of supercomputers. The president also called for repeal of gravity and quantum adult novelties.

In a banner day for politics, California Governor Jerry Brown (ex-Linda Ronstadt) signed a law banning the word alien from the state's labor laws. Also banned were the words elephant, dingleberries and sanity.

• Astronauts declare the first space-grown salad awesome. California Governor Jerry Brown immediately signed a law banning space lettuce from the state, saying it disenfranchised undocumented lettuce-pickers.

Three people were hurt when pranksters entered a theater in Newport Beach, brandishing a leaf blower. A common thread in these attacks is theaters. California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a law banning theaters from the state. The governor refused to comment on leaf blower legislation at this point.

• Meghan Trainor (All About that Bass) has cancelled the rest of her tour due to 'ongoing problems with her vocal cords'. In other words, even Meghan realized there is nothing there.

Why yes, there is a machine that turns poo into water. Watch our presidential race flow (further) down the drain!

• Think you live in a funny place? Try Licking, Ohio.

Padi the labrador's fate is in the hands of a judge. He is accused of biting a 4 year old child. The child chased the dog and threw things at him. The only fair solution is to put the child down.

• Marijuana farms have been engulfed by the fires in California, releasing smoke in the area (causing a marked increase in the number of flights over the farms).

A woman used her Fitbit (heartbeat measuring device) during sex and posted the results online. The Fitbit “started after foreplay, so the preceding 20 minutes are untracked,” (she bragged).

DR WHO?

I'm going to take a left hand turn, being a left-handed kinda guy. Most of the musical treats here will be guitar players. Today is a rare piano player, although he does technically play guitar (rarely). I give you Mac Rebbenack, aka Dr. John. Dr. John has been around forever and is a fixture everywhere, no less in his Louisiana neighborhood. I saw him open for Little Feat, which was my pleasure.

One of my favorite Dr. John tunes is Iko Iko. This song tells the story of the collision of two tribes of Mardi Gras Indians. The words are flat out impossible to understand or write out, without visual aids and copious amounts of New Orleans Hurricanes (the drink that's just to the right of the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster). 

Iko. Iko. Iko Iko unday. 

Jockamo feeno ah na nay

Jockamo fee nah nay.

I strongly suspect it means I've fallen and I can't get up.  Another translation is Respected gentleman, your mother is a garbage truck.

The next tune came up on my player's rotation. In a Sentimental Mood caught me completely by surprise. Completely free of guitars, I was not prepared to like this song so much but it leaped out and hit me over the head, gently.  Lastly, you know this song. If you don't, you're either ten years old (and shouldn't be reading this blog) or you missed it while you were at the Miley Cyrus concert. I used to sing this song with my not-so-talented cover band. Listen to the tasty guitar solo... (I had to get one in there).

Ghost-Busting Quantum Pets

Today in pet news:  Hamas arrests dolphin accused of being an Israeli spy. I sure hope they don't behead him.

To continue the theme, Parrot detained by Indian police after 'hurling obscenities' at 85-year-old woman. What's next? Walrus arrested by US on hacking charges?  Ant farm accused of communism? Hippos wanted for surfing in Humans Only section of the beach?

============================================

A while back I noticed that the dog does not eat his food when we're not home, leading me to wonder, in quantum terms, if the pets cease to exist when we no longer see them.

As you would expect, I'm working on a few other theories...

One thing I've noticed over all of my Pet Interactions is that they're smarter than we are. It's tough to admit but I have to go with the truth. Plus, like prison inmates, they have all day to focus upon the things we give mere minutes.... they're bound to come up with innovative solutions as to how to get at the cat food and which furniture to claw when training Mommy to let him out.

Let's say everyone is fed and the humans have gone for the morning. I kinda imagine that Warner Brothers cartoon with the sheepdog and coyote(?) checking into work at the timeclock in the morning, completely friendly. As soon as they punch in, they're adversaries. In reverse, my pets barely maintain interest or peace when we're home but things may change when we're gone....

BANG, the door closes and we're gone. The pets (cat and dog) look at each other and punch their time clock,  conveniently located in the sink; a place the humans never go. The rest of this is pure speculation... The first order of business is to leave each others' food alone - that's for later. Instead the cat opens the refrigerator door and both grab whatever smells good. This explains a lot about where food goes when we swore it was there last night.

Here's the controversial part: after breakfast, it's TV Time!  We discovered this when one day we came home to find The Game Show Network on the tv.  My wife leaves the tv on, the theory being that it keeps the pets comfortable. My wife does a lot of stuff for seemingly random reasons. I gave up questioning these years ago, for the sake of my own well-being. She usually watches the local Fox affiliate, featuring a miniscule amount of news, between the latest antics of the Kardashians and talking about social media and the comments of the Great Unwashed. As it turns out, the SPCA defines this as pet abuse.

Will the last one watching broadcast tv please turn off the lights when you're done?

I can't claim to understand this but the swill that passes for network television is, well.... swill. True bottom of the barrel. Did you know there's a network devoted to ancient 70's shows? You can watch Emergency! every day, followed by The Rifleman and Adam 12,which is on right before Dragnet (just the fax, Ma'am). My wife is the only one who would ever watch this Pageant of the Dead: the cat lets himself outside and the dog goes upstairs to sleep on my pillow (or me, if I'm home).

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's the Game Show Network. Since the pets turned it on the other day, I thought it might be interesting.  As it turns out, the pets and I have differents ideas of what is interesting.  Ladies and gentlemen, these game shows are FORTY YEARS OLD.  Yes, the entire purpose of the network is to air game shows from the period right after networks started broadcasting in color.  You can see Gene Rayburn, Bert Convy and several other people who just plain faded into obscurity (or just plain expired). If you see an attractive woman (with very peculiar 70's hair), remember that she's retired now, most of the way on the path to The End. Or dead, assuming some tragic accident, possibly involving a leaf blower.  The hosts died right after the show did, some not bothering to wait.  WHY do the pets find it necessary to view this Televisional Farce? Why does anybody view this Televisional Farce?

My immediate hypothesis is that being a pet in our house takes up so much energy that they need to have their brains bashed into oblivion during the day so they're ready for us at night. The dog probably still gets excited, watching forty year old cat food commercials. This hypothesis is subject to change, much like Hillary's answers to any given question. Or unlike Trump's fancy hairstyle (which he insists on being called Ralph). The reason for the hypothesis is that my wife says the same thing. I dare not take off work, lest I have an entire home full of beings with Bashed Brains. I get enough of that at work.

Things change rapidly when the little monsters hear me coming up the steps after work.  The dog leaps off the couch, dropping his copy of the Wall Street Journal, and lays by the door as if he's been napping all day. The cat leaps off the chair, knocking down his glass of Chateau deChassily, and sits in the middle of the room, as if he doesn't care. When I open the door, the dog forces me to push him with the door. The cat looks up expectantly because, as everyone knows, people are merely Cat Food Dispensers. Then the dog remembers he's supposed to look excited to see me, as the cat 'herds' me into the kitchen to feed him. After all, as everyone knows, people are merely Cat Food Dispensers. The dog sits there and thinks of ways to get the cat food. The cat opens the door, the dog runs in, then the cat claws a piece of furniture, waiting for the wife to let him out. And all is Normal<tm>.

And it turns out that the pets have been watching rock concerts all day. The wife is the one watching the Game Show Network. And I have to go - the SPCA is at the door.

My Mother Ate Paste

Two American journalists have created a Twitter bot that "corrects" people who tweet the term "illegal immigrant", and offers alternatives.  While this (alleged) blog does not condone the use of social media, this story certainly raises an eyebrow (or three).  In other news, Twitter has a newer bot that suggests not using the word thief - recommending instead new possesor of your goods.  

• Hillary supporters will support New World Order and repeal the Bill of Rights. Once again, the Great Unwashed are caught on tape supporting Hillary and whatever her cause.“I think it is, I think we need change like they’ve been promising us for so many years, I think it’s time to get behind Hillary Clinton and support her.”

Huntington Park, LA, has appointed two illegal immigrants as city commissioners.  In other news, the democrats have entered an illegal immigrant into the 2016 presidential race. The top of Trump's head has actually come off, which turns out to be a serious improvement. UPDATE: The natives are pissed.

• Sex with robots will be the norm in fifty years, expert claims. And why not? 
• They don't get headaches
• Are up for anything
• Can untie themselves in case you forget
• You only pay once
• Computer nerds can finally have sex. 
• The only question remaining is will there be midgets?

Shooting breaks out at Drake after party. What the news didn't tell you is that there was also a riot at a One Direction concert. A folding chair was damaged.

• Arizona man beheaded wife to 'get the evil out'. In yet another example of irresponsible reporting, they failed to mention if it worked or not.

THEY ARE RELATED: Jenny McCarthy and Melissa McCarthy.  Insert joke here.

• I just read this article twice and my head still hurts. No matter how hard I try, I cannot help but think of Monty Python. Suffice it to say that in Italy, a marinara pizza can NOT have cheese, while a margherita can have garlic. Sorta.

It turns out my wife used to work in customer service. The first time we had sex, she kept asking if she could help me find anything.

• Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have decided that when it comes to sex, too much can make you unhappy: it's quality over quantity.  The study was inherently flawed - what's wrong with quality AND quantity?  'Too much sex' can make your friends unhappy, when you start bragging. Or gross out your nieces and nephews with the image of Old Folks having sex. ADDENDUM: Couples not having sex due to worry over being let down. 50 Shades too intimidating? This is not the America I know.

Bush says Trump a buffoon, a clown and an asshole. Murphy says never to argue with an asshole - people may not be able to tell the difference. Very professional, Jebbie.

• Hatchet wielding crazy at premiere of Mad Max. Oh great, now we're going to have to ban hatchets.

ISIS executes 19 females for refusing sex. You can do that?

• Kevin Bacon complaining about lack of male nudity in Hollywood. Hey Kev... anything you want to share with us?

North Korea has pushed their clocks back thirty minutes, creating a new time zone. North Korea has also created a new season (Stummer) and nullified gravity.

• I hate to resort to old political attacks but I can't resist this classic: Have you heard about the Hillary Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket? Two small breasts, two left wings and two fatty thighs.

You know how people are always finding objects or things that look like them on the Moon and Mars? Here's one for you: the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been spotted on Mars! Have you been touched by His noodly goodness?



Who's Next?

A while back there was a band called Georgia Satellites, which had a hit with Keep Your Hands to Yourself. After its dissolution, their singer, Dan Baird, started recording solo albums. Dan's a bit of a rare treasure, writing great songs with an interesting mixture of cynicism, humor and irony (he's a real smartass). Most tend to keep a formula of down-home rock but you need to listen to the lyrics to gain an appreciation of his talent.

The biggest hit for Dan was I Love You Period, a very well-put-together tune that's not at all about punctuation. Another interesting song deals with no longer being the Big Man on Campus, called Younger Face. Give a listen to Knocked Up, a little song that deals with the obvious, plus the added complication of Daddy being a preacher. Lastly but not leastly, give a listen to Cumberland River. This song is about serious alcoholism and the broken dreams of stardom. Sounds sad but it's very cleverly told. I have never seen Dan but I get the impression he's a really hard worker and the show would be great.

If you like ThermionicEmissions, please tell some friends. If you don't like ThermionicEmissions, stop reading it.

The Presidential Clown Car

There are so many people running for president that ThermionicEmissions put together a brief comparison of the major candidates so you don't have to. I'm sure this matrix will allow you to make a more informed choice for next person to occupy the White House. Another public service from the liberty-minded folks here at ThermionicEmissions.

	Donald Trump	Vermin Supreme	Bernie Sanders	me
Party	Republican	Free Pony Party	Democrat	Left-Handed Party
Most Notable	Endorsed by ex-wife, who he did not rape	Only bona-fide American Presidential Candidate to actually donate a living organ	Socialist	The best left-handed guitarist on his block
Best Known for	That thing on his head	Wearing a boot as a hat and carrying a large toothbrush	Socialist	Male Pattern Baldness, unsuccessful blogger
Platform	Let all the damn wetbacks in	Zombie apocalypse awareness (and zombie-based energy plan), time travel research (in order to go back and kill Hitler before he was born)	Take away all guns	Jail the Kardashians, force Congress to use Obamacare
Slogan	I've got $9 billion and you don't	Screw world peace - I want a pony	The accent Trump wishes he had	Running with scissors for YOU

	Hillary Clinton	Libertarians	Chris Christie	Rick Santorum
Party	Democrat	Libertarian?	Donut	Barefoot and Pregnant
Most Notable	The only woman Bill wouldn't sleep with	Ron Paul	Stopping traffic out of spite, blaming it on others	Didn't realize Intelligent Design was religiously motivated
Best Known for	Sucking out all bodily fluids from Vince Foster	No government spying	Using storm aid for ads	Pennsylvania's emarrassment
Platform	Whatever the Bilderbergers, Trilaterals and Council on Foreign Relations say, personal servers for me alone	Maximum freedom, minimum government, free market healthcare (because that worked so well before), stop 'exporting freedom'	Shouting down anyone who disagrees, lap band surgery in every pot (belly)	Intelligent design, no birth control, no same sex marriage, deregulate pro wrestling, waterboarding
Slogan	I ran the White House for eight years - what the hell else do you want?	Leave us alone	Shut up!	My values are the country's values

Since I don't want to unduly influence you, dear readers, here is a list of famous libertarians:

Squint Eastwood, Vince Vaughn, Ayn Rand, Chris Rock, Christina Ricci, Dave Barry, David Letterman, David Lynch, Dean Koontz, Denis Leary, Dennis Rodman (his nose rings are reportedly voting for Hillary), Donald Fagen (Steely Dan), Howard Stern, Matt Stone+Trey Parker (South Park), Penn&Teller (Penn&Teller), Kurt Russell, Drew Carey, Frank Zappa (absentee ballot), Gene Simmons, Hugh Downs, John Malkovich, Matt Drudge, Matt Groening (Simpsons), Neil Peart (Rush), Raquel Welch (I rest my case), Robert Duvall, Tom Selleck and Tommy Chong (enthusiastic marijuana user)

What is at the top of Trump?

Poor sleeping pattern could be a contributing factor to cancer, a test on mice suggests.

I am not exactly a scientist, medical expert or even a mouse enthusiast but I must take exception to this travesty of research. What the study shows is that weird sleeping can cause cancer in MICE.

* In most cases, mice are not humans, although some humans are known to be mice.

* The study cannot prove a causal relationship because you cannot accurately simluate real world sleep patterns in mice. The study did not account for the wife leaping in and out of bed, the wife waking you up because she's up anyway, the dog jumping on your chest and circling before going to sleep, or the mouse's neighbor running the $@!ing lawnmower at seven in the morning.

* the mouse does not suffer sleep deprivation over how he's going to pay for the kids' iPhones.

Conversely:

* the human doesn't have to worry about cats (or the dog, if he sees the cat chasing it).

* the human is not likely to be used for medical experiments (unless the CIA is involved).

* The human will not fit through the hole in the molding (or the wainscotting)

* Most humans can NOT make it through a maze

• Peru is about to make 'first contact' with an isolated Amazon tribe.
• 30 days after first contact, the Mashco Piro Indians will send back some questions:

1. We're very impressed by television. May we return the favor by leading an attack on the tribe Kardashian?
2. Why do all of your things have 'i' in front of them?
3. 'Hummer' mean something else here.
4. What is at the top of 'Trump'?
5. May we trade hunting skills for this 'boob job' thing?
6. What medicine for VD?
7. Why do you sit on 'couch' when you can sit on log?
8. Why do you have such small... gen... genit... penises (except for the dark ones)?
9. 'Glock' less accurate than bow and arrow.
10. No, Tonto not related.

Who says militias are bad or crazy?
After the tragedy in Chattanooga, militiamen, veterans and citizens are standing outside armed forces recruiting centers, guarding them with their own guns. For some reason known only to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, recruiters are not allowed to carry weapons, so these folks are acting as unpaid guards, on their own time and at their own expense.  Some of the neighbors are nervous but more importantly, the recruiters are safe and they're standing up for their own. 

• Scientist warns the world to 'think twice before replying to alien signals from outer space'  The only problem is that any civilization that would be capable of sending signals here would already know about us. Again, a smokescreen.

In case you missed it (or are in denial), an all-transgender modeling agency is opening in LA. More dick for the click?

• A brain-eating amoeba has been found in Louisiana water.  They should also be checking Kentucky and D.C.

BEST headline of the month/year:  Wyoming man found with 30 eyeballs stuffed up his anus. Probably because the silverware no longer fits.

• A Philly treat for many years is water ice. For those of you in far-away climes, it's somewhat similar to a Slurpee/Icee but a little less liquidy and eaten with a spoon. Marshall aims to be the first spaniel with an endorsement deal from Rita's Water Ice.

Got Water Ice?

Speaking of Trump, we should all know by now that he's running for president. This definitely complicates the decision as to which presidential candidate gets the ThermionicEmissions endorsement. Of course my vote always goes to the libertarian candidate but at this point we're not sure who that is. This may be a political statement on the election. Trump himself is a real spoiler - if he gets in, there will be no shortage of material and General Amusement, of the variety promised but not delivered by Joe Biden. Then there's the perennial favorite, Vermin Supreme, because how can you argue with a presidential candidate who wears a boot on his head? Stay tuned for details.

• The FBI is sure getting good at tracking down suspects: check this story out. Never mind the kidnapping - look at how the FBI managed to get the info. This is creepy (and the NSA is jealous).

CHILD ABUSE WEEKLY

AS readers might have noticed, I take a dim view on child abuse, noting that it goes all the way to the top. Here are a few stories from this week: Epidemic of US children sold for sex and FBI says child abuse at almost epidemic levels. Police, citizens, Members of Parliament, Congresscritters... all the way to the top.  In fact, Met Police is investigating the late former prime minister Edward Heath (posthumously) into claims of historical child sex abuse by establishment figures.

• There are some articles that leap right out at me and say ThermionicEmissions!  Dozens of bra-wearing men and women have protested in Hong Kong after a woman was jailed for assaulting a senior policeman with her breast.  A Chinese woman accused an officer of touching her breast. The court ruled that she pushed her breast into him so she could charge him. 
• I'm starting to develop a fantasy. A fine fantasy of fanatical frenzied females, all trying to assault me. Life is good.

Service dog dials 911 during fire, saves blind owner. Yolanda the yellow lab called the fire department. Dogs truly are better than humans. Yolanda also called 911 last year when her owner fell and lost consciousness.

• NFL running back comes out of the closet: No, he's not gay. No, he's not changing his gender. No, he's not a pedophile....even worse - he's an atheist!

Close it on Some Musical Magic!

Ever heard of Steve Vai?  You might have caught him as David Lee Roth's early solo guitarist or in Frank Zappa's band ("my little Italian Virtuoso", Stevie's Spanking). Steve is one of those rare Guitar Geniuses. Anyone who can transcribe for Zappa and play that stuff is among the musical elite.  Steve is a delightfully wacky musician who does things his own way.

Another of those tunes guaranteed to make the hair on the back of your neck stand at attention is For the Love of God.  Notice the way Steve owns the stage, the music, and his guitar. The guitar faces are priceless and completely appropriate. The studio version of this song, not far away from this recorded version, was recorded after a fast of a number of days.

We are also treated to a bit of pre and post-tune virtuosity, ala Steve's Noises. Steve is ably accompanied by the even more wacky Mike Keneally (Beer for Dolphins, Frank Zappa) on guitar and keyboards.

Does Mr. Vai look familiar?  You might have seen him as the devil in Crossroads, playing against Ralph Macchio in the Soul Selling Scene.  Or the triple-necked guitarist in David Lee Roth's 'Just Like Paradise'.

Enjoy his take on Jimi's Little Wing. One of Steve's more amusing tracks is The Audience is Listening, with one of his school teachers on announcements.

Touching Nancy Pelosi with a Ten Foot Pole

A Russian millionaire, Yuri Milner is providing $100 million for alien research. I was all kinds of excited when I read this, until I discovered that the money is going to be given to SETI, which listenes for Space Noise to look for anything intelligible. Stanton Friedman, godfather of ufology, refers to SETI as Silly Effort to Investigate. Let's face it, people.. the informantion we need is already here, sitting with people who have higher security clearances than the president. SETI is a smokescreen.

• UH-OH: Ashley Madison, the dating website for married people, has been hacked and your some data is already out there. Act accordingly.

Berkeley Breathed is bringing back Bloom County!

Adam Lanza - CT

James Holmes - Colorado

Dylan Roof - church

• My wife often tells me you can tell a person is not well by looking at the eyes. I always doubted her until I saw this group. Didja ever wonder how they got this way? Were they born crazy? Did they have help? Were they on prescribed medicine? Might be worth studying.

Say, why not enact a White Privilege Tax on all caucasians? The Great Unwashed once again fell for a ridiculous prank. Have you ever known anyone who took an IQ test and failed?

• Just when you thought going out on Tuesdays was boring, we bring you Porn Star Karoake!  I'm really tired of watching bad bands run over good songs. If I have to do this, there should at least be some visual appeal. California is a great vacation destination....

A twenty one year old man was found drowned in Demi Moore's pool, said Sgt A. Bone of the LAPD. With a name like that, he should be going to Porn Star Karaoke.  In totally unrelated news, Demi is looking younger than ever.

• Questions for our times: does Transylvania have a blood bank?

In mixed news, the Twinkie is 50. I'm good with the filling but not the cakey bits.

• The Pope Pass went on sale recently. SEPTA, Philly's transportation disaster, is selling a pass to get around when the pope comes to visit (the visit will cost the taxpayers $45 million). The online system performed just like the buses and immediately crashed, selling a grand total of twenty eight passes. SEPTA's online foray is representative of their service in general.

The Pet Follies: I walked into the kitchen to discover that the cat had knocked over a pan full of undercooked pork chops. And the dog was eating one, very quickly, in the mistaken hope that I would not notice him. Removing him from the aforementioned pork chop proved somewhat difficult but this was obviously my fault: I didn't run to the kitchen when I couldn't hear him for more than two seconds. What really vexes me is how the cat knocks stuff off and it always lands right side up.

But this was a vacation by comparison. The previous day I found a small lake on the carpet, Mad Libs in the fridge, most lights in the house on and fans going in a room no one uses. Who you gonna call?

Hillary lays down the law to Bill

Got any tunes for us?

Why yes, I do.
Give Me Moore is the title of a Gary Moore album.  Gary is (was) a fiery guitarist who spent time with Thin Lizzy, George Harrison, Jack Bruce, and by himself.  Gary sizzles in the best way imaginable. Picture the blues on steroids and VERY LOUD.

I might as well start at the top. There are a few songs that make the hair on my neck stand at attention every time. One is Jimi's version of the Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock.  Another is Still Got the Blues. This is a live version but very faithful to the recorded version. After he sings, he makes the guitar sing - in the most emotional way possible. Even my wife is exceedingly fond of this song.

Another great tune is Parisienne Walkways. Listen to him go.  The difference between clean and DRIVE is something to behold. His tone is always on the edge of chaos, yet he controls it.

Can Gary play the blues? Ask his special guest BB King, when The Thrill is Gone.  The interplay is stunning, especially when Gary starts ape-ing BB and BB fires back. Although both of these legends are gone, their playing will always inspire us.