Happy Hendrix Holiday

Every day is a Hendrix day but November 27 is Jimi's birthday.  Many Happys, Jimi.

• San Francisco's Municipal Railway system was hit by a ransomware attack. This allowed the passengers to ride free, as the ticket system was down. Insert joke about malware not always being bad. The hackers demanded $73,000. The Railway folks vow not to pay ransom. From my reading, they might want to tighten up the system in one or 1,000 places.
• Just in - in a Monty Python-esque bit of news, the hacker was hacked. Yes, the fine gentleman responsible for the Muni ransomware hack had his email address hacked by a security researcher. How? He guessed the security question, allowing him to reset the password on the email account. Let that be a lesson to you, whatever that means. Oh yeah, strong account security, on everything including throwaway email accounts.

2016 hasn't been too good a year, what with the election nonsense, musicians and others dying, and over 900 recorded security breaches. And those are the recorded ones. Not counted are the hushed and the as-yet-undiscovered ones. There are two types of businesses: the types who have been hacked and the types that don't know they've been hacked. Read the link or just take my word for it. Pass the tissues, please.

• if you have any sort of iCloud account and are receiving calendar or sharing spam, do not reply or decline. If you do, the account will be flagged as live and you'll get more spam. 

Over in the UK, vegetarians and vegans have discovered that the five pound notes are made with a substance derived from animal fat. My singular (identified) vegan reader is going to be glad they fled the UK. How do I know I have a vegan reader? These Google blogger controls are very sophisticated.

• Russia is a funny place. A holocaust-themed ice dance is drawing condemnation. Hmm... ice... probably not Springtime for Hitler then... Hitler on Ice? That's Not my Nazi? Six Million Jews Can't be Wrong?

A giant shield built to cover the damaged nuclear reactor in Chernobyl has been moved into place.  In other news, the Kremlin has announced that Lenin's death certificate has been filed.

• If you're thinking about a night out in Brussels, be aware of a Dancing Tax. Yes, a tax on dancing. And by all means, do NOT go to the bathroom.

Are you, by chance, a Canadian who was caught drunk driving? Those wacky Canuck lawmakers have a punishment for you.. worse than death.. you may be forced to listen to Nickelback. I thought this was against the Geneva Convention but what do I know...

• Who's got time to watch the 37 Harry Potter films? Watch this shortcut instead.

Today's Helpful Tip: How to stop feeling guilty about everything.

* Shoot yourself.

Next week: World Peace

If you're looking for somewhat less deadly suggestions, although I can't imagine why, try here.

• Equality strikes again! Congress, bastion of rationality, has taken women being required to sign up for the draft off the table. Oddly enough, no feminists demanding equality has complained about this. Equality means equality in everything. Or rather, equality when it suits them.
• Having said that, I don't think men should register either.

If you use Firefox through Tor, turn off javascript (like we do anyway) or use another browser until a patch is released. This is for Windows only. Try using the NoScript addin.

• The New York Times asks the question: Can tv be fair to Muslims? ThermionicEmissions answers: not til long after they're fair to the left-handed.

The FDA has agreed to Ecstasy trials for PTSD patients. It's an exciting time for those with PTSD. And before you ask, you can't just go out and get some PTSD. You can sign up to serve in Afghanistan but I don't recommend it.

• An Australian man handed over a breast implant to police, thinking it was evidence of a crime. The 'evidence' was revealed to be a jellyfish. Australian breast implant manufacturers call foul and demand jellyfish alter their appearance to look less like implants.

Hillary Clinton presented a humanitarian award to Katy Perry the other night. Dubbed 'The Axis of Incompetence Tour,' no one can figure out why. A failed politician known for corruption and lying, presenting an award to a singer known for her breasts.

• President-elect Donald 'Me' Trump has announced he is cutting ties with his businesses to focus on running the country, leaving them to his children. Ivanka is excited, hoping for a salary rivaling Chelsea Clinton's.

To no one's surprise, Marshall the cocker is running the house, to an unprecedented degree. He used to bark to go outside. Now he makes a pitiful whining noise. Having discovered whining works, he is now doing a full scale study on Human Behavioral Patterns and whining most of the time, just to see how many times he can make the humans do things until they start refusing. By 9:15am, he has gotten fed twice, been served cold bottled water, and gone outside four times. He counts the experiment as a success and it will be peer-reviewed and written up in Dog Psychology magazine. The humans, out of their minds from constantly being bossed around by a quadruped, are looking into a doggie door, which will not work, due to other quadrupeds possibly using it.

I Told You So. Again.

According to my Special Blogger Dashboard, readership has gone up. No, really, I was as surprised as you. Instead of six per day, I'm up to twenty two. In what must be New Math, the counter says twenty two, but the bar graph says seven. Maybe it's a graphics thing - I never understood graphics. If I had my way, email would still be text-based, with no pictures or backgrounds or, heaven forbid, emojis. It would also be virus-free, but what do I know?

-----------------------------------------------------

I have maintained that exercise will kill you and that housework is exercise. Everybody laughs.

Well, I just proved it.

Mrs lefty has gone on a cleaning spree, the likes of which have not been seen since before we moved in. In fact, this is our 20th anniversary in the house, so to celebrate, we're cleaning. Ok, be fair, she's cleaning. I'm holding down the couch, which is quite a valuable and respected job. What if the couch were to get away on its own? That would be ugly, and we don't want that sort of ugliness in the place. We prefer other, more ugly, sorts of ugliness.

Mrs lefty is a very patient woman. We've been married for about twenty-some years, so that explains a lot about her patience and tolerance and sense of humor. But I can try the patience of the pope (Judge Judy can make the pope antisemitic) and I have tried (and succeeded) my wife's patience past the breaking point. She very politely 'suggested' that I assist with her Grand Cleaning Scheme. She would not hear of my successes in holding down the couch, not the dangers of it defying gravity and escaping. Now when I say very politely, I mean the sheer volume of her request fired off nuclear alerts in four countries on the other side of the globe. She was even so bold as to ignore my statements about exercise and cleaning.

Realizing that I wanted to sleep in my own bed, I 'decided' to join her in her quest.

One of my first tasks was to get the trash out. Now this is an stunningly mundane and ordinary task. Except in my house. Due to a very peculiar trash can, in a very peculiar house, inhabited by peculiar people and their very peculiar dog, we use peculiar trash bags, which are a bit larger than the can. When I go to pull the bags out, they refuse to come out. If I listen closely I can hear the sound of them openly mocking me. So I do the only thing a man can do - curse and do the Trash Can Dance, where I yank on the bag with one hand and with the other hand I try to pry it loose from the inside, again, using a lot of screaming and cursing.  Screaming and cursing, by the way, is the only way to fix computers, cars, and most of the time, houses. Then I put my hand in the other side, dislodging it from the can. I repeat this in two inch increments until the can finally lets go of the bag (complete with final mocking noises). Sometimes this produces a sigh, sometimes I just fall back on my well-padded derriere. Buttocks. Bum. Bottom. Situpon. Ass.

Having accomplished Trash, I got on to Carrying Things. In my wife's condition, it's best that I carry things up and down steps, as some days she can't carry herself up the steps. This particular device needed to be relocated to the basement, as the singing and dancing interrupted midnight chocolate runs. Down the steps I went, unable to see the steps or my feet, when I got the warning to watch the large storage box by the bottom of the steps. We, for some reason, have rather a large quantity of storage boxes, perhaps for storing things. The part that makes this situation unique is that we can never find the correct lid for the box, much like the 3,000 piece Tupperware set we have. While it might hurt to count, I'd say most of the house is in plastic storage boxes in the basement.

Down the steps I went, under my own power, careful to notice the storage box by the bottom of the steps.  I was so careful that I performed what I was told was a very amusing, slow-motion, sideways triple lindy onto said storage box. I performed this feat while saving the device I was carrying, as opposed to saving any part of my body, which was apparently unimportant to me at the moment. Oddly enough, I managed to survive this adventure without any screaming at all. In fact, I might perform it again with screaming, just to make sure I got it right the first time.

So I submit to you proof that [exercise = cleaning = injury]. I told you so. Again.

Crunchy Turfroggy

Are you considering buying a 'smart' device for your kid? Take this quiz first.
Are you ready for Black Friday? Here are some security tips. Good, basic stuff.

• Viagra has been found in the South Korean presidential offices. No idea why this is a problem, but I urge the South Korean president to keep it up.

The creator of the Broadway musical Hamilton has said that Donald Trump is welcome to attend. In completely unrelated news, a new character has been added to the musical, John Wilkes Booth.

• An Australian woman who abandoned fourteen cats which ate each other is being charged with cruelty. I think the lady should be put in prison and forced to eat her cellmate but I don't make the laws. This also proves that all your suspicions about cats are true.

Remember Tomagotchis? The stupid little video 'pets' on a stupid little electronic device? They recently turned twenty. Tomagotchis were one of the early signs that civilization, as it were, was doomed. Kinda like a 1990s version of reality television.

• Obama gave out 'Medals of Freedom' the other day. He choked up when presenting one to Ellen DeGeneres. This is one time I feel solidarity with Obama - I'd choke giving her an award too, except possibly 'Most Annoying Voice'. Or the 'Who Thinks She's Funny' medal, referred to as the Seinfeld Award.

The British government's chief whip keeps a tarantula on his desk. Apparently this is a problem. It turns out the government cannot figure out what a 'whip' is. Meanwhile the whip, in an effort to minimize governmental trauma, has offered to exchange the tarantula for his other pet, a black widow.

• Donald Trump looks like he will appoint Nikki Haley, democratic governor from South Carolina, as ambassador to the UN. The appointment is dependent on her changing her name to something less porn star-ish. Trump's rationale is to put her where she can do the least damage and the UN would be the definition of least damage.

Turkey's president, Tayyip Erdogen, has fired 15,000 state employees since the attempted coup in July. Since the US gives billions of dollars to most countries, I'm all for sending a few his way, in exchange for a consulting job for the US government. The savings will more than make up for the 'aid'.

• Retailers, not satisfied with Black Friday sales, are offering them even earlier, proposing a number of changes for the Thanksgiving season:
• Black Friday will hereafter be known as Black November
• In a bid to appear magnanimous and sensitive to Family, retail employees will no longer have to work all Thanksgiving day; allowing them to eat dinner with their families, between the hours of 2am and 3am.
• For the safety of customers and employees, armed guards will be posted at all entrances, equipped with flash-bang grenades and tear gas, in case the special deal on the one remaining flat-screen tv causes a riot. Snipers will also be positioned on the top shelves of the toy aisles, if any customer draws notice to an item being out of stock. Customer Service personnel will be issued handguns and pepper spray and informed that any refunds will come out of their paychecks.

Ex-CIA General David Petraeus indicated he will serve in Donald Trump's administration if asked. While a position has not been named, two possibilities are Secretary of Secretaries and Secretary of Affairs.

• As if the holidays were not depressing enough for some people, the New Kids on the Block/Paula Abdul tour is now on the road, nicknamed "The Sad, Sick, and Lonely, Suicide Tour" As if that weren't enough to push you over the edge, Wendy 'Frankenstein' Williams and Jerry Seinfeld are also touring, creating a torture chamber near you.

Hey, are you longing for that Tesla but simply can't afford it? Simply hack the mobile app and steal it!

• In another bit of Governmental Fun, this time a Navy laptop was hacked, to the tune of 130,000 current and former sailors (personal information, including Social Security numbers). It's a good time to be in some sort of governmental employment. And when I say good, I mean Get the F- Out.
• Just in case you're still hungry for leaks after Thanksgiving, State Farm, Sheet Metal Workers Union, and Anchor Loans were discovered to have leaky databases. No word on how much data, if any, was stolen.

Faceyspaces has developed a censorship application, so it can get back into China. Keep in mind that if they can censor this particular information, they can censor virtually any information. What a tool this could be, eh?

While we're on the topic, the CEO of Reddit decided to relieve some pressure by messing with some messages, taking out his name and replacing it with moderators of /r/the_donald for about an hour, then admitting to it. This is an international site, with all sorts of user interaction and contributions. Also a site using censorship. The /r/pizzagate subreddit was just shut down because it's 'fake news'. By fake news, they mean user-investigated information into pedophiles and Satanic Ritual Abuse among elites in the government. Coincidence? The group moved to voat.com, where you can find all the information. This is not tinfoil hat. This is tinfoil hat stuff that was known and talked about for years and the facts are just leaking out, via the Wikileaks John Podesta emails. Don't take my word for it - do the research. My own relatives were shocked when they did.

• There is now a 'smart trash can', complete with smart phone app. I do not dare even go to its site but one can only wonder what kind of capabilities it has....
• alerts when can is full
• calls trash removal service to pick up
• lets you know you ordered more proprietary bags
• 'intelligently sorts' trash from recyclables, which means it will separate candy wrappers from wax paper and mistake tin cans for paper because of the labels. It will also spank the cat if it uses too much litter.
• When hacked, approximately fifteen minutes after it is plugged in, it will surrender all of your credit card information and start to hack the Pentagon. When the CIA drops by, it will sit there and pretend to be a dumb trash can.

I just found the new love of my life on reverb.com (a sort of Ebay for musicians). It's a 1958 left-handed Fender Stratocaster, at the bargain price of $35,000. Mrs lefty said to go ahead! The only remaining question is where we're going to live when we sell the house.

Happy Turkeys

One of the tech bloggers did a page on what he was thankful for. I figured I'd steal the idea and run with it. There's no likelihood anyone would come by and blame me.

• a free, open source operating system, faster and safer than The Big 2. Linus Torvalds' baby, linux. And all of the the software that runs on it - provided free, via the time and effort put in by their authors.
• a family that is not sicker than they already are.
• the opportunity to help keep Big Pharma in business, including the dog
• not going anywhere on Black Friday (or most other days)
• a very positive working environment
• no emojis on any of my devices
• a job and just normal bills
• my outlets: blogging and guitars
• not having to watch too much daytime tv (any, if possible)*
• the power of sage to clear the attraction of other cars to ours
• some very cool readers

Happy Turkeys and may your biggest Black Friday problem be slow internet.

* Ok, I lied.

Having seen what my wife watches during the day has given me a whole new appreciation for waterboarding. "News" with a social media desk. Gab show. Gab show. Judge show. TMZ. Judge show. Gab show. Etc. And on odd days, it's Black and White TV. Yes, shows that were made, aired, and popular long before you were born. Shows frequently set in the Old West. When Black and White TV is not sufficient, or if none of the above is bothering me enough, it's the Game Show Network. A network populated entirely of game shows. As if this weren't enough of a Chinese Water Torture, all of the game shows are very old. Like from the 1970s. Most of these people have been dead for years. What possible attraction could there be in seeing ancient game shows? Never mind that I actually recognize some of the alleged celebrities on these shows.

hip social references -------> WTF SMH bae woke lit

The Unsatisfactory Crunch of Ladyfingers

A warm hello to my readers outside of the US. I hope you enjoy it here and stop by frequently.


Submitted for the sake of awareness and amusement, because none of us use iDevices: there is yet another lockscreen bypass. Long story short, don't use Siri. If that isn't an option, don't allow Siri access to the lockscreen. I've seen Siri's movies: trust me - you're not missing anything.

• Before we do our Happy Dance, this is satire.

Microsoft just joined the Linux Foundation. As a platinum member.  Which costs $500,000 yearly for dues (the price of one small cabin in the woods in Redmond).

I read about this yesterday and it has taken me this long to type it out. It may take me a longer time to fully digest it. MS already uses Ubuntu for its cloud-based big-data services. Former chief Steve Ballmer once said, "Linux is a cancer." Current ThermionicEmissions chief leftystrat says, "Windows is not an operating system, Windows is a virus." MS claims this will allow it to work closer with the open source community.

In other news, Lions have joined the Gazelle Foundation.

• President-elect Trump has asked his appointees to sign a pledge that once they leave government service, they will not lobby for five years. You don't have to like him, but this is a pretty good move. I suspect we'll see a few more. DISCLAIMER: As we know, I didn't vote for him.
• Speaking of president, there are quiet a number of people heavily invested in our election and its result. Yesterday I heard a Canadian stating that he was backing Trump all the way. I know a Brit and a Welshman singing his praises, as if they lived in the US. They were enthralled with his manner of governing and policies and said so. Most are anti-Social Justice Warrior, which might explain things.
• Here is a list of other people being considered for Cabinet positions:
• Janet Reno
• James Clapper
• Billy Mays
• Several parrots named Eric
• Pat Paulsen
• Milton Berle
• Paula Deen
• Tito Jackson
• Tracy Lords

Speaking of Wales, Cardiff Airport is getting a third bus stop! This is some interesting Welsh satire. I hope. You have to be careful with a language that has no vowels.

• Today's Word: gynocentrism
• Along with this Word is the story of a transgender woman, transitioned to a white man, who now is no longer diverse enough to be a college diversity officer. Never mind why colleges need a diversity officer.

For those of you who know someone who uses Faceyspaces Messenger, don't open "Photo_9166.svg" - it's ransomware. With that in mind, make sure you have a backup of all your data, phone(s) and computer(s), in case of something like this. Also DON'T CLICK ON ANYTHING. If in doubt, use the Law of WWlD - What Would leftystrat Do: nothing. Consider everything a potential problem until you can verify it, even from a friend. Put on your Security Hat and don't get caught with your data down.

• Betcha didn't know this: Women raping men are "merely expressing retaliation against men for enforcing rape culture"

I have had no end of fun at Kanye's expense. Now that he has had an involuntary commitment and psych evaluation, I hope he's ok. I hope he's ok for BigAss and the kids and himself. And so I can have some more fun at his expense.

• A Malawi man has been sentenced to two years hard labour for having unprotected sex while HIV-positive. This is even worse than two years hard labor.

A UK author is helping schoolchildren re-imagine (rewrite) Cinderella for a new generation, because it's sexist.  Let's see - Cinderella vs The Patriarchy. Her evil stepbrothers are keeping her down, so with the help of a group of online Social Justice Warriors, she busts out to run for Congress, which is a birthright of all women.  Her evil stepbrothers are forced to attend Any Old University, where they will be indoctrinated to the ways of Feminism and learn to hate all men, especially themselves. Cinderella meets a man but declines to propose marriage because she'd have white children and doesn't want to do that to the world. So she, with the help and sisterhood of Wonderful Stepsisters, runs for president, where anyone who doesn't vote for her is sexist.

Guess which part of the above has not come from real life...

• Wondering what to get someone else's kids for the holidays? You may want to avoid anything from Samsung (unless you really really hate kids). I suggest something that makes a LOT of noise. A xylophone, a set of drums, a plastic box that makes all sorts of random noises. Remember: the kids will love it and the parents will hate you forever. Win/win.

The use of chlorine weapons is suspected in Aleppo, making this year's Nobel Peace Prize a 3-way tie between Obama, Trump, and Bashar al-Assad.

• How to survive Thanksgiving:
• don't go
• get drunk well in advance
• everybody eats first, so they'll all be too tired to fight. Except Aunt Irma, who can fight in her sleep.
• Random Sporting Event and beer

Urgent Faceyspaces Warning

For those of you who know someone who uses Faceyspaces Messenger, don't open "Photo_9166.svg" - it's ransomware. With that in mind, make sure you have a backup of all your data, phone(s) and computer(s), in case of something like this. Also DON'T CLICK ON ANYTHING. If in doubt, use the Law of WWlD - What Would leftystrat Do: nothing. Consider everything a potential problem until you can verify it, even from a friend. Put on your Security Hat and don't get caught with your data down.

2016 Fall Philly Guitar Show

As it is written, we battened down the hatches, battened up the car, and got off to the Philly Guitar Show, Fall version. As is traditional, is it held nowhere exactly near Philthydephia. Also traditional is making that stupid location reference. Ah, where would we be without tradition?

For health (and sanity) reasons, Mrs leftystrat could not make the trip (she had to wash her hands and couldn't leave for a few hours). The weather was just at the point where a jacket wasn't necessary for us over-padded medium-size manly men. That strange light was in the sky again.

The state has always done interesting things with the roadways in Pennsylvania, the PA Turnpike and Rt 422 being real Standouts of Stupidity. Although PA residents aren't actually sure of WHAT the state does with roadways, we are assured and reminded via almost monthly increases in tolls. Just to make things a little more interesting, the use of EZ-Pass combination tracking device and toll payer is being Highly Encouraged, in the form of many EZ-Pass lanes and a diminishing number of cash lanes. The turnpike exit in question (I am not kidding - this is the butt of jokes nationwide) is King of Prussia. The area has undergone such a ridiculous amount of growth that there have been many road-surgeries to widen ramps and install more toll lanes. This creates yet another excuse for Bad Driver Behavior. There are about fifteen lanes, fed by several distinct ramps, which causes people to veer, cut off, and race at high speed to any of the jumble of strangely-plotted EZ-Pass or a few cash lanes. The only exceptions to this are at rush hour (5:30am - 6pm), when it's the largest parking lot in the state.

Naturally, the exit from fifteen toll lanes boils down to two actual lanes, thus weeding out the men from the women, the children with BMWs purchased by their parents, and any 18 wheelers that can't accelerate fast enough. And people going to guitar shows. Hopefully you took the correct ramp, because if you didn't, you will simply never get to your destination or home. You'll be doomed to wander King of Prussia for several years, or until the next State Improvement that will take five years to build a small ramp that is already overcrowded when it is opened (like all roads in the area).  While you're lost, all roads may or may not lead to the King of Prussia Mall, one of the biggest in the country. Also one of the strangest, due to an asymmetric layout, where the first floor isn't set up like the second floor, plus there are actually three malls joined together by a caterpillar the size of Rhode Island.

Eventually you may or may not stumble onto Rt 422 West, so-named because it doesn't go east. Well, at least until you come home. The state was much more subtle about improvements on 422. Here, to keep attention away from the unbelievably poor condition of 2 two lane highways, they simply installed bumps every few car lengths. Who is going to comment on a few Cadillac-sized holes when your ride goes BUMP..BUMP..BUMP. It's sheer brilliance in a way that should qualify for an award at the National Alliance of State Stupidity Awards. I was passed by a very loud Harley with two very loud riders, straight out of Central Casting. They were mad that I was only going 20 over the speed limit. Seconds later they completely disappeared, probably into a hole under a bump, where they have to keep paying rising tolls every day.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Opening the main doors is fun - you never know what you're going to see. Whatever you see, it's great because this is the damn guitar show; two times a year that I'm likely to have left the house and seen guitars and amps and Stuff. Drop a few bucks in the Greyhound Rescue hat. They always bring a dog or two and they're beyond mellow for dogs that have been thrown out after they're no longer useful for racing. Support your local dog rescue group - all of ours have been rescues.

There were lots of things to see and try out, which was a great improvement over the summer's deathly feeling. All vendor spaces were occupied, including some surprises. You could see all kinds of vintage guitars, incredibly vintage guitars, celebrity-owned guitars (Danny Gatton, Johnny Winter, etc), amps, effects pedals and even a few new things and cheap stuff for beginners. There was a really popular guy who had unfinished guitar bodies but also small (6") bodies, hollowed on top to put picks or business cards in, as well as guitar-shaped cutting boards. Accessories galore.. handmade leather straps, garish straps (my favorite), colored strings, and very interesting people.
 Word to the wise: go for fun. If you go to purchase something, know what you're looking for and what it's worth.

Let's get down to some good old-fashioned visual stimulation, or , as I call it, Guitar Porn...

this is a 1956 Telecaster in mint condition - 3rd year for Teles

yes, it's backwards, but if I had one, it would be in this finish exactly

DHR is a large lefty dealer, which chose to only bring a few non-standard guitars

Danny Gatton (RIP) Fender prototype

1979 Les Paul - weighs more than my car but a hell of a player

1979 Rick 4001 bass

very old Gretsch, maybe a Chet Atkins model

newer Martin - a little stiff

very used Martin

ever been frightened to be near an amp? even before you saw the price? This is more of a megalith than an amp. Orange/Matamp stack.

Reverend had a ton of guitars, plus a pair of lefties. Good value, good guitars, just not for me.

saw a number of Taylor 314s. As a rule, they play better and have better top end than Martins.

a Fender '52 repro Tele, unlike the American Vintage series '52 Tele, also half the price. I'd still go with the the American Vintage for the baseball bat neck.

Last but never least is my dog, Marshall (aka Muppet Paws), and the amplifier named after him (Marshall Code 25).
They both shred but my Marshall shreds tissues.
They both scream but my Marshall screams for people food and dog cookies.
Marshall the Amp is covered in black tolex. Marshall the cocker in black fur.
The amp has a 10" speaker. The dog has two large flaps covering his ears.
We are unsure about getting him an endorsement from Marshall Amplifiers but hope for at least a cover shot and story.
Missing from the shot is a 1974 Marshall half-stack, formerly on tour with UFO and possibly Robin Trower.

And there you have it - the show, minus most of the backwards (right-handed) guitars, which comprised 99.5% of the show.

The Cubs Won a Second Time

It turns out that if you have the brilliant idea of asking someone to cancel a funeral, it will fail. Further, you should probably not ask - I know this now. I have a new found sense for these sorts of things, you know.

I met her in high school. We sat next to each other in history class. It was fortunate for me that I failed the previous year's history class, so I got to meet her. We'd pass notes back and forth. It was a most fortunate thing they were never intercepted by the teacher, as one of my hobbies was making her blush, which was a sight in itself. The teacher was an interesting fellow, perhaps a product of our very own public school system. Kinda fat and slovenly but a decent guy. He'd even admit when he didn't know a subject and teach from the book.

Time and notes went on and we became an item (the girl and I, not the teacher). I went to her house one afternoon, met the parents, and Dad drove me home. Dad was a pretty cool guy, especially to meet what looked like Cousin It, dating his daughter. I'd like to think I established my credentials early; he could perhaps provide the answer better than me. Or not. Mostly not.

One day we 'bypassed' school and wound up at her empty house. This was back in the Younger Days (remember them?), when you did whatever you were doing and had to keep one ear on the driveway, in case anyone who happened to be a parent came home. Or, as we called it, Parentus Interruptus. It wasn't Mom, who had a job with regular hours; it was Dad, who didn't. And sure enough, Dad's car pulled into the driveway. A very intelligent girl, she told me to get myself ready and get out, once he came into the house and she lured him to the basement. But wouldn't he hear me? No, he was a little hard of hearing.

So I got ready, waited for them to go downstairs, and made my escape. I have no idea how he did not hear the door, which required a bit of heft to close. And there I was, walking stealthily through the neighborhood, Cousin It with a guitar. With the off-chance that Mom would drive by and say hello. It was an adventure I know I'd tell someone cool some day. And here's that day. Kinda anti-climactic, no?

We broke up but remained the best of friends always. 

One day her head exploded. Well, not entirely, but some sort of plumbing went awry around her brain and she took an Extended Sleep for a week or so. Everybody stopped by to visit and I got to see the whole extended family. Dad lit up when he saw me.... it had been a while. Mom encouraged me to read to her and talk to her - I was game for anything. Fortunately she came around, not remember much besides a crushing headache. She did not 'hear' anyone reading to her and was not aware of them. Her boyfriend made the best head injury joke ever: when they had sex, she was going to have to wear a hockey helmet, in case she banged her head on the bedpost. She's 100% since then.

We all got older and her parents managed to have health problems. Dad had it worse and after some babysitting, spent the large percentage of time in his bed at home. Mom attended to him.

Last week my friend went over to watch what became the Cubs winning the World Series. For some reason, that was his team. I said to send my regards, as I still thought of them. She did.

A couple of short days later, Dad died.

She told me he was so happy he got to see the Cubs win.

Now all I have to do is not embarrass myself at the funeral. This could be more difficult than it appears (for me).

Cumulus Rocks

You'll notice that I've been publishing more frequently lately. This is indicative of the fact that I've been publishing more frequently lately, plus my renewed commitment to sarcasm and my esteemed readers.


Today's Great Piece of Knowledge comes via the morning 'news', which had a special feature on Thanksgiving. On making the perfect turkey? No. What to bring for the holiday? No. New desserts? No. They want to let us know that if you don't have enough plates, it's ok. Don't you feel better now? You can make little animals out of napkins, because you have heavy cloth napkins all over the place anyway. Now, about that turkey...

• If you belong to the adult web service Friend Finder (the world's largest sex & swinger community), 412 million accounts have been compromised. No serious information yet from Friend Finder. Of course no ThermionicEmission readers have accounts there. We're not the swinger type. Ok, maybe some of us. You, from Russia-I don't judge.

Whether for work or personal use, don't use Free Wifi. Keep all connections HTTPS and ideally use a VPN. I can walk into any airport or Starbucks and set up a wireless network called Free Airport Wifi (Free Starbucks Wifi). Your phone or tablet will connect to it and I can capture or 'sniff' all your data before it goes out to the internet.

• Monthly reminder to back up your data. This protects you from ransomeware and most other Data Tragedies. Store the backup offsite, if possible. It will never hurt you to have a backup or even two.

Stop blocking roads, you idiots with Hurt Feelings. You caused a forty five minute detour that killed a man. Protest all you want but don't block roads.

Speaking of feelings, Barnard College is hosting a Trump Coping Event, complete with feminist coloring pages, hot chocolate, and snacks, so the snowflakes can cope with their feelings over Hillary's loss. You can't make this shit up.

• Here's a concept: Virtual Reality can help shut-ins. Hopefully this ends the Serious Stuff.

I need to reiterate the Taylor Swift Conundrum. The woman is arguably pretty, although she does absolutely nothing for me. One time I heard a small snatch of her music and was immediately hit by the feeling that her audience is 8-15 year olds, mostly female. Until this morning, I continued to remain unmolested by her music. The morning alleged news program ran a snippet of a video, discussing what it's about. It's about music promotion, you local Einsteins. And again, I was struck by the nursery school-like beat and melody.

The same alleged news program spent a few minutes on how to pronounce Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson's name: Dew-Wayne or Dwayne. Ummm... let's be thankful they're not discussing the election (or a Kardashian), I guess. Or world peace.

• Memory from the past: my musical comedy group had a song that involved basketball, so we mimed throwing a basketball (really?). We already know I'm not a sports guy, and my compatriots kept laughing at my feeble attempts to mime throwing a ball. Only I didn't know my attempts were feeble. They spent the better portion of an hour 'teaching' me how to mime throwing a basketball. Frustrated at their complete lack of patience, I was allowed to go onstage, not being able to complete this 'simple' task. It is said that guitar players are dumb. No alleged slur comes out of the blue. To this day, I have no idea what I did wrong and still don't care.
• Sort of along those lines, a dear friend's father passed away. My friend's comment was that at least he got to see the Cubs win. Apparently this is a thing.

You know that feeling of sheer joy and relief after the plane you're on experiences an engine fire and everyone gets off safely? Apparently it doesn't last long... 18 passengers have filed a lawsuit against Boeing and American Airlines for the engine fire on the tarmac, when part of the engine failed. Also part of the suit: the American Airlines Lounge ran out of vodka before the flight, creating a hostile flying experience.

• The Brooklyn Bridge has a long-standing tradition of people showing their love for each other by attaching a lock to it. According to the city's transportation commissioner, this is a Bad Idea. The bridge structure could be compromised.  As of yet, there's no word on the tradition of showing love by parking cement trucks on the bridge.

A US road safety body has demanded that electric cars traveling at a low speed make noise to warn pedestrians. Noises include bicycle horn, muscle car, and totally broken exhaust system.

• How about that Bono? He has urged Donald Trump to prioritize gender equality. After he won a Woman of the Year award. Let me make sure I have the pronouns straight here. Bono won a Woman of the Year award and called on Trump to prioritize gender equality. Is anything about this odd, suspicious, or believable? Could any of us come up with a more ridiculous news item? Will the president-elect act on the polite and 'correct' request? Finally, there is a women's magazine handing out women's trophies to men. We are living in Upside-Down World.

Apparently they never got the memo about improving race relations: a post on Faceyspaces (so I'm told, of course) referred to Michelle Obama as an 'ape in heels'. Let me attempt to make it so clear that even Faceyspaces readers can understand: OK to Criticize - ideas. Not OK to Criticize - appearance, kids, race, spouse. Yes, it falls under freedom of speech. Yes, they sound like racist idiots.

• Apple's Big New Product might be smart glasses that would connect to an iDevice to provide information on the glasses. In other words, Apple's is bringing out Google Glasses in 2018 or so.

Got way too much money on your hands and need to spend some for a good cause (you)? There is now a smart oven (uh-oh) that can recognize 'some' foods and 'kinda' cook for you. It is reviewed here. Only $1495, it can recognize and cook 25 items and has automatic settings for another 47. PLUS a Bluetooth app to look inside the device and to let you know when your food is done. BUT WAIT - if you buy now, you get a free puppy, plus the ghost of Billy Mays will visit and sprinkle white Magic Dust on you while you sleep.

• Moral Relativity? There is a new ransomware that harvests social data and scans for child porn. If found, the malware lists the offending file(s) and scans their social media, threatening to post a message.

Technology has come a long way. From using your 300 baud modem to connect to Compuserve to 2016, when Domino's Completes First Delivery of Terrible Pizza by Drone. This means we'll see delivery of Other Stuff by drone soon, regardless of how easy it might be to hijack the drone. Feel all techy and futuristic now?

• Netflix will be releasing "Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life" on November 25th. Nobody knows why.

Observing the great divide that has appeared after Trumpie won, not to mention the violent anti-Trumpie riots, financially backed by George Soros, It occurs to me that we really need to learn to coexist. Relationships have broken up, fights have started, buildings have been vandalized, and most recently, a man has been shot. I respect Trumpie opponents' right to peacefully protest, but this is getting out of hand.

There was a period of a few days when Mrs leftystrat was considering voting for the republican candidate. In what I consider a sterling example, there were no negative words or emotions present. We didn't loudly disagree or fight over this topic. We fought like mad over most other topics, but not the election. This example should serve as an example to the people destroying property and lives.

• Mexico's foreign minister announced a plan to help Mexicans get accurate information and avoid deportations in a Trump administration.
• WHAT?
• Not only are they allowing their citizens to jump ship, as it were, but they're aiding and abetting by providing help for the illegals.
• Can you see America encouraging emigration to other countries and providing assistance allowing them to remain there?
• This is a weird place. Not the blog - the country.

In a Beatle-esque display of bravado and up-yours-ness, Bob Dylan has announced he will not be at the Nobel Literature Prize ceremony, due to "pre- existing commitments". He's picking out wallpaper for that area over the steps leading down to the basement.

• With Black Friday coming earlier and earlier this year (November 2nd), you might want to know how not to overpay for your purchase. My article in Modern Black Friday suggests the only way to truly make sure you're not overpaying is to not shop on Black Friday. Yes, the alleged Black Friday Economy will collapse, but who gives a shit when you're trying to get that 67" (tangentially-measured) tv for two dollars off?

Let's say you're sitting there, minding your own business, and you suddenly decide that you'd like a quick Tinder hookup with a transgender person. On Tinder, one can now identify as transgender. I don't use Tinder (no, really) but I'd recommend not identifying as transgender unless you're transgender. That kinda surprise can get you assaulted. Good to know.

Marshall Strikes Again

For once, it's not what you think.
I found myself, certainly not by accident, at the Philly Guitar Show. The amplifier company known as Marshall, named after my dog, Marshall, put out a cute little series of amps called Code. They were being demoed at a booth at the show. It was an adorable little thing (models from 25 watts up) and I haven't bought anything in I can't remember how long. The 1958 lefty Stratocaster I saw last week was $60,000, so I figured it might have to wait a little while. I saw other Interesting Stuff at the show, which I will detail in another post (I know you're waiting anxiously).

The salesguy's main point was that this little guy could be controlled by your phone, using BlueTooth. Yes, instead of turning the knobs on your amplifier, you could turn them on your phone (android and the other one - I checked). While this might be nice for someone who has mobility issues, I can turn a knob with the best of them.   One of the things Marshall forgot to advertise was that the box is so sharp that it will give you a Cardboard Cut. So I bled for a bit, which is never a good thing. Passing out while driving is not encouraged, except for some places in Philadelphia.

I don't know if this is part of getting older or one of my many deficiencies but I don't get nearly as excited as I used to when I was younger. It took me a nap and a few hours to get around to trying it out. I opened the box, without urge to take pictures or video of the box and posting it on YouTube for everyone to see. This is actually a thing: you take video of the box and opening it. They call it 'unboxing'. There is usually no actual information or tryout of the item in question - just physically taking it out of the box, plus a few shots of the device itself. We're a weird bunch, we are.

Setting something up in my house is a unique challenge, requiring lots of cursing and being assaulted by cables, grabbing and twisting themselves around you like a cat who's in the way and demanding attention. Or a constricting, venomous snake. Putting aside a very jealous Fender Mustang amp, the last next-to-couch amplifier venture, I fired the bugger up. It has that cute Marshall white script logo. One day I'll take a picture of it with Marshall the cocker next to it and send it to Marshall Amps. It's got all sorts of blinky lights, which should keep the current generation of Faceyspaces players interested. I declined to play with the BlueTooth feature, exercising my rights to turn knobs. Since I have the attention span of a pregnant gnat, I chose to go through the outrageous presets to get an idea of what it could do (unfortunately it could not vacuum, but at least I wasn't expecting it, hence very little disappointment).

The little beast is actually pretty cool. It came up rather rapidly, as it has no tubes in it. It makes some fun noises, from old clean to high-powered stacks of LOUD amplifiers. It will be fun and hold my limited attention for a while. No, it's not quite my large Marshall, but it's not supposed to be. And Jeebus, this bit was certainly much larger than I had intended.

• Watch the skies for the Supermoon. You will be able to identify it by its humongous size and its red or blue cape, depending on time of year and temperature coefficient.

Samsung is buying Harman International, provider of sound systems and components for cars, in a push toward smart devices. And apparently exploding cars.

• Reince Preibus: why? When vetting him, they should have tried to figure out where his name came from. Or what planet.

Here's a little ditty called "So You Think You Can Be A Morning Person" Seriously? I know they're supposed to exist but they're very rare in the wild.

• Ok, let's call a timeout in the War on Elections. The left needs to stop damaging stuff (and people). The right needs to stop gloating and deifying the president-elect (as the left would if their candidate got in). It's time to get on with things. (Libertarians, you can keep crying quietly)
• And while we're on the topic, I've seen a LOT of foreign commentary and concern around the election. It's odd to see foreigners more wound up than some of the locals. One day I hope to be so frustrating that I cause demonstrations and riots in foreign countries. I'm a simple man, with simple desires.
• I can't forget this: VP-elect Mike Pence is seriously anti-abortion. In a move that could only happen in 2016, people are making donations to Planned Parenthood in his name. For each donation, notice is sent to him. Laughter is the greatest form of protest. Or something.
• About these protests: I harken back to when Obama was elected (both times)... remember all the fun we had, rioting in the streets, peeing on or own shoes and setting babies on fire? Good times.

Yet another NFL Sports Dude has sat out the national anthem before a game, over the 'joke' election.  Now I'd sit out the national anthem to protest the national anthem being played, but we're getting a little silly here. South Park suggested they invite everyone to sit or stand for the anthem, which would thwart some of this nonsense. If the players are seriously upset, I encourage them to not show up for games for a year and donate their salaries to an appropriate charity, like the Kneeling Sisters of Beryl, or some other deserving group. That should bring the entire brouhaha to a screeching halt.

• I hope my New Zealand readers are ok after their serious earthquake. Two people lost their lives, which is probably two people more than read this blog from New Zealand.

Signs Signs Electrical Signs

Don't try this at home, kids; it's illegal (and very funny)

• The latest Internet of Things (IoT) problem: poorly designed and unsecured devices can turn your android phone into a tracker. A large problem was fixed on Belkin devices, which could hack your phone via their app that runs on the phone. Food for thought.

When I first saw the browser plugin Web of Trust, I installed it. It checks the trust level of a website and alerts you to how safe it is. There was something I didn't like in the terms and I uninstalled it. It was discovered to be harvesting browsing histories and selling them to advertising agencies. WOT claims the data is anonymised but investigators were able to identify fifty people from the data. If you're using WOT, I suggest uninstalling it.

• The election is over. People are mad. People are happy. Some snark seeping in. We should go counter to my my normal inclination and look on the bright side: no election commercials!

It has taken me years upon years to finally figure this out: do not put things up against other things, unless you want the dog to rearrange the things. I don't know if he fancies himself an inferior decorator or just likes moving stuff, or thinks he's a cat. Nothing is safe. This has been a public service announcement.

• One thing I've discovered around the election: people in other countries are heavily involved, and opinionated. The sad part is that some of them are much better-educated on the facts than Americans. Two of the biggest commentators I've come across are from the UK - they discuss like it's their election.

In case you haven't gotten your fill of buzzwords today, about ten percent of The Cloud is already infected and waiting for you. This includes Amazon and Google.

• I hope you're enjoying all the protesting and people shouting "He's not our president." Meh - let them protest - it's their right (right up until they damage stuff). One will remember that when Obama was elected (twice), there were no protest or riots or "not my presidents".
• Speaking of Obama, how about that Hope and Change? Twice.

Another very significant event in this election was the complete and utter failure of the media and their predictions. A while back someone told me to ignore the media and they were beyond correct. Mainstream media is controlled by six corporate entities. This is not a conspiracy theory - look it up. I strongly urge you to either ignore the MSM or at least balance it with some reliable internet news sources.

• California wants to secede from the United States. I say let them. Let's build a wall to keep them out.

In Poland, the army will teach women hand-to-hand combat for free. Just as soon as the navy rectifies the problems with the screen doors in their submarines. Wow, that was incredibly sophomoric, which is why you come here.

• Welcome to ThermionicEmissions, where my own family does not dare come. Ok, except my wife, but it's her duty to humor me.

Please enjoy THE voice, Ronnie James Dio (RIP)

Explosive Farts

What - you think I'm kidding?
A patient was burned during surgery when the laser being used ignited a fart. Who says Silent But Deadly isn't deadly? They did her a real cervix.

• I'm not entirely sure of the country, but on the first of every month, there's a man who dresses as a white rabbit and waves at people by the river in Barnes. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Mexico is now celebrating Day of the Dead. We call that Kardashian Viewer Night.

• To support those with cancer, someone has decided November is No Shave month. The Social Justice Warriors want everyone to know that raising cancer awareness is oppressive because not all people who have prostates are men. Apparently anatomy is no longer a concern. I'd just like to say I'm the proud owner of a prostate and I'm a man.
• I'd also like to insert, as it were, some professional medical advice. Ejaculation is very healthy for the prostate, so get yourself going or have someone else do it. If you think I'm messing with you, do the research or ask your urologist (because we all have urologists).

Speaking of Social Justice, a conservative group on the campus of University of Redlands (no, I don't know where that is either) has been banned from holding a Funeral for Halloween due to an administrator's concerns that such a display would cause "emotional and psychological harm" to the campus community.  One concern was that the event was not clearly labeled as satire. Within a few years, this culture will eat itself. Colleges are already finding enrollment down.

• In England, hundreds of operations were canceled after malware hacked the hospital system. That was the headline, but the malware had to get there somehow. Much like the Internet of Things (IoT), medical devices are shit on security. Whether it's ransomware or a hack, these are among the last devices you want hacked. They had to shut the whole system down to find the malware but they remained open for other services. Lock em down, folks. This follows the crap we put in our houses.

Speaking of England, Admiral, a car insurance company, is going to price first-time insurance based upon Faceyspaces posts. Apparently they've developed an algorithm that will tell them what kind of a risk you are by your social media posts. It would be a blessing in the US, as none of us here uses Faceyspaces, so it would be free (well, the article doesn't exactly say that). Pictures of you drinking or drunk off your butt will not be scanned, so you're in luck there. One of the things they're looking for is detail, like saying 7pm instead of "tonight". This means that you'll get penalized if you care about privacy and post when you're not going to be home and specifically what time you're not going to be home. This program is voluntary.

Let's also consider the US programs that plug a sensor into your car to check your driving style/statistics. Add this to the black box and the car's cell modem tracking and you have a hell of a lot of information leaking out of you and your car. After that, it will be sold to advertisers, to better target the kinds of ads you receive. Sweet, eh?

• Did you know you can log into a certain satellite and watch for illegal fishing vessels? One vessel just got busted this way. It's very nice to stop illegal fishing and makes you feel good. Right up until you realize that a ton of these satellites are looking at YOU. Sit with that for a moment.

Pardon me for being late, but the one browser that doesn't hate Blogspot started hating it. Unfortunately for you, I found a different one.

• Bad news for white women: they have to stop wearing name tag bracelets. It's an issue of 'cultural appropriation'. Last week, Vanessa Hudgens (sigh) got in Deep Doo-Doo because she culturally appropriated the braids in her hair. I'm against it too, but only because she looks so much better without them.

I know Halloween is behind us (thankfully) but the Philly area made the list of Top Haunted Attractions. Places like City Hall, the building the State Police just raided for suspected election fraud, and the Parking Authority. All pretty frightening indeed.

• Ever wonder how Terry Gilliam (Monty Python) made those wild animations?  What - you didn't? Well, here's how anyway...

There is an awful lot of suspicion about skullduggery in the upcoming election. Here to save the day is Russia, which has offered to provide election monitors. This is the best and worst thing I've read all season.