Shalom Bustenhalter

A lot of people would call the title pandering because most of last week's traffic came from Israel. I call it reaching out and tailoring content to larger groups, certainly not pandering.

The title comes from the two words I know in foreign languages:

Shalom: [Hebrew] Hello, Goodbye, Bagels and Lox
Bustenhalter: [German] Bra. That wasn't difficult, was it?

I know a few more foreign words:

Shwarz: [German] black (the color)
Shvatsa: [Yiddish] black (the person)
Merde: [French] shit
Oui oui: [French] pee
Fick: [German] fuck
Luh: [Chinese slang] penis
Pee: [Chinese slang] vagina
Sheiskopf: [German] shithead
Alta Cocker: [Yiddish] old man. In my house, old cocker.
Spanner: [British] wrench. In my house, dog (cocker spanner)
Tu Madre esta una puta: [Spanish] your mother drives a tow truck
Bloody Yanks: [British] our wonderful cousins, the Americans, see also Colonists
Imma: [ebonics] I am going to...
Americans: [Canadian] Those stupid motherfuckers who elected Trump and all have guns.

• At the Paris Airshow, Boeing apologized for the two crashes of 737 Max planes.
• I don't know about you, but I feel much better now - forgive and forget.

Dear lefty:

• Why does your dog bark at planes?
• She gets upset when they're in her airspace - she's protecting us.

(Certain) Women are furious over new Nike sneakers that 'look like an iron'.

The handle keeps rubbing their ankles? The shoes are too hot? You have to keep them plugged in? They're not auto power off and start closet fires? You have to fold them?

• Trans poet Jos Charles "rearranges the alphabet to survive its ferocity against her body".
• One cannot write poetry if one spends her time being assaulted and insulted by everything possible, plus making stuff up. THE COMMUNISTS ARE UNDER THE BED!!!

Best Headline: Popular Poker Player Dies in Freak Hair Dryer Accident
His wife handed him the hair dryer while he was showering?

• In stores, secret surveillance tracks your every move.
• This is an absolutely sickening article that should deflate your day accordingly, but you need to read it.
• The only thing I can advise is turn your phone off. Since that's not going to happen, don't use the store's app. Turn off Bluetooth. Turn off wifi. This may not work either.
• If you happen to catch it, find the store's board of directors and let them know what you think. Start with Walgreens.

A British primary school has banned the word 'like', after a reality show used it 76 times in 5 minutes. Fortunately the words antelope, cunnilingus, uhhh, mattress, and Streisand are not allowed on reality shows.

• Time never moves so slowly as when there are no hours to fill in on your timecard and you're waiting for someone to tell you why.

Faceyspaces wants to be your online bank, using their imaginary currency. You can send money or pay bills. Don't you want to trust this organization with your money, privacy, and security? They've been so secure in the past. I'm sure they won't mine your financial records at all.  "Trust us, we're Faceyspaces." You can even get a pre-hacked account for a discount. Just ignore all those letters asking for your password.

Something's cooking with UFO disclosure.

A NY Times editorial features government sources saying UFOs exist. Of course this is after the last 5 year study was admitted to by the government.  Even the news has allegedly stopped ridiculing UFOs.

This smells of a psyop. We're being groomed for Disclosure. Not absolute disclosure, but a different version; what we're supposed to believe. I don't think for a moment that we are going to be told anything that shows blame belonging to government for hiding any programs or UFOs in general. I don't claim to know what they're up to, but something appears to be coming.

One doesn't have to be a scholar or research expert to know that government study of UFOs didn't begin a few years ago: studies began in 1947, if not earlier. When something crashed in Roswell, what kind of armed forces and government wouldn't investigate it? Debris went to Texas and Ohio (Wright Patterson AFB), which is documented.  Through the years, different programs were launched to debunk sightings (Project Blue Book - well documented). Doesn't this say something about UFO (lack of) disclosure? When craft appeared over nuclear bases and the White House, wouldn't you investigate? Chicago Airport? Flying over the Bush Ranch?

Let me put it this way: across the planet, a ton of money, effort, threats, and denial have been used to not disclose/silence disclosure. Other countries call the US in when something happens. What could possibly cause this reaction? What are they afraid of? I have no idea -  just noticing the effort.

Remember: UFO doesn't necessarily mean aliens. The objective proof is for UFOs, not pilots. Most are probably black budget craft. Some aren't.

Don't take my word: investigate. Watch. Listen.

Does A Brexiteer Wear Mouse Ears?

Florida News

A daycare worker was caught on camera throwing toddlers.
This is now a problem?

Florida man detains burglar by holding his iPhone like a gun until police arrived.
Thieves, like politicians, always send their best and brightest...



India plans to launch a lunar mission in July.
Yes, they're going to be the first fourth nation on the moon!
They're looking for water and other goodies, like all lunar visitors. And, according to Apu Nehasapetapetaloma, to open the moon's first Kwickie Mart.


CERN, the Large Hadron Collision people, just had their academic credentials from Microsoft revoked, causing a tenfold increase in license fees. As a result, CERN has a new effort called MAlt - Microsoft Alternatives. They're looking for open source software.

Let's see.... open source...  hmmmmm.... get rid of Windows and other MS software... hmmm.... I wonder what could possibly work for them....

In completely unrelated news, I upgraded to the latest version of Xubuntu linux (19.04) the other day and things are running better and faster.



Dear lefty:

• If Boris Johnson wins the election, will his 'hairstyle' become popular in the UK?
• No, but his teeth will.
• in North Korea, Kim ding Dong's hairstyle is all the rage (among people who wish to remain alive).

Ever since Obama, there have been charges of America sending billions of dollars to Iraq. Trump mentioned it too. I have a memory of the money being a return of money frozen by a previous administration. Anyone have a reading on this?

Speaking of Iraq, the warhawks are beating the drums again. We just sent a Rather Large Ship to that neighborhood. Whatever happened, we need to remain out of it. History shows the Powers That Be cause a False Flag event as a pretext to war (Weapons of Mass Destruction, 9-11).

• Toronto won its first basketball championship. No one knows how. It's the Jamaican Bobsled Team all over again. It wasn't easy -  they had to build stadiums and import black people.

According to the BBC, the countries using the Euro have agreed to have a common budget. What? Now explain how the conspiracy theorists are nuts because they refer to the coming New (one) World Order.

Shopping Time

My luck has been good lately, which was probably just setting me up for yesterday. Mrs. lefty had lots of shopping to do....

WALMART
Her: Could you tell me where the milk is? I can't find any.
Them: I'm sorry, we don't have any.
Her: Milk?
Them: Milk.

How could the largest vendor in the country not have milk?
It's like Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch....

Well, we don't carry milk here.
You don't carry milk? It's the single most popular shopping item in the world.
Not much call for it around here, Sir.

Her: How about yogurt?
Them: We have this yummy probiotic stuff.
Her: It tastes like particularly bad dog excrement. What else?
Them: Oh, nothing.
Her: You have a huge food department.
Them: Yes we do. Largest in the area.
Her: and all I'm asking for is normal yogurt.
Them: I'm sorry, we don't carry normal foods.

Her: Dare I ask about potato bread? It takes much longer to turn blue and fuzzy than white bread.
Them: Since you asked, we will no longer carry it.

Her: Snapple's on sale.
Them: Yes, but we don't have the flavor you want.


LOWES
Her: I just spent a long time trying to find a 3/8" ratchet.
Them: that's because we don't carry them separately. You have to purchase the complete kit.
Her: But I already have doubles of all the sockets.
Them: Now you'll have triples!
Her: You bought the name Craftsman from Sears, which stocked everything. Why don't you?
Them: Because we don't have to. Now STFU and go buy the complete kit.


This is why Mrs. lefty doesn't allow me to shop.

Decorating?

Didja ever walk into a house and marvel at the decor or style?

My parents' place is antiseptic, yet warm. Mom got it from her mom, who scrubbed the bathroom tile with a toothbrush.

The rest of the family has it all together, with different styles and lots of space.

Then there's our house.

There is no style. There is no decor. There's barely any space. At least the walls are painted. Our method is buy something and stick it Over There. Or put the groceries on the floor.  Nice poster, let's thumbtack it to the wall. Has anyone seen the dog?

We are two decor-impaired people. And one who is directionally-impaired.

But let me say something positive: The show Hoarders rejected our application because we have clear paths and the piles of stuff don't come past our knees.

We sit there and look around, trying to imagine how one would 'design' a room. The closest I've gotten is a fake lisp and imitation of one of those home design 'experts' from tv. Don't let the LGBTQrstuv lobby tell you they have no representation on tv: straights have no representation on home improvement shows. If any straight guys happen to wander onto screen, they look gay.

Let's say we like southwest decor. The closest we'd get is painting one wall salmon and another wall turquoise. Maybe putting out a token figurine skeleton that says, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". Viola - Instant Decor.  

We are horrible examples. It's sad. Maybe we can start a GoFundMe to get us some decorating lessons. Let's face it - even with lessons, we'd find a way to make it ugly. I was thinking about having a person with decorating skills move in, but Mrs lefty says no. I'm sure it had nothing to do with her being stunningly attractive. The bonus would be someone to babysit me when Mrs lefty visits family out of town. But noooooo......

So until we somehow acquire skills, the house will remain Decor by Tornado.

The president recently celebrated a birthday.
In case you're curious what he got from other countries....


Kim ding Dong, Supreme Haircut, North Korea, sent a hand-delivered note.

Teresa May (RIP) sent the Trump Balloon
Boris Johnson said he couldn't make it.
The Queen said, "We ARE amused."

Mohammed Somethingorother, Lord High Poobah, Iran, issued a press release stating the door was closed for birthday wishes and he had a much better hat than MAGA.

Vladimir Putin, King for Life, Russia, said that Trump's birthday was adequate, but Soviets have much better birthdays and he could kick Trump's ass in any sport.

China, asked for comment, said, "Who Tlump?"
"China has the advantage on America because Chinese food is really McDonalds and Burger King. Suggest Tlump stuff egg rolls..."

Australia sent a card that said "Good on ya, Don," but the postal kangaroo died and the card never made it.

Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Acceptance, Canada, sent an autographed picture of himself in his newest minidress. Melania was horrified. Donald hung the picture in the Oval Office, proclaiming Justin the best Canadian ever, after the other 40 million. The other 40 million spat in a hat then refused to send it because Americans have guns.


It's a sad day when North Korea sends the best gift.

This Blog Needs More Diversity and Inclusion

Some guy on tv is arguing that more diversity is needed in government, to celebrate a large pool of skills and foster inclusion.

He went on to say he bases himself on Martin Luther King.
I'm not MLK's biographer, but my understanding is that Dr. King wanted black people to elevate themselves, not be given preference because of their color.



ThermionicEmissions would like to thank the president for not bombing Iraq. Or Iran. We predicted the warmongers would win and thus far, they haven't. We need to eradicate constant war and focus on Home.




Entertainment News

• Led Zeppelin's legal team will be headed back to court over the charges they stole the intro to Stairway to Heaven. The last trial was set aside because the judge didn't give the correct instructions to the jury. The forty attorneys for the Zep expect their side will do well.
• There is a new Adam Sandler movie.. but who cares?

Florida News

A Florida man was arrested after dancing naked and "trying to have relations with a railing" at McDonald's. McDonalds now serves aphrodisiacs?

A Florida man told deputies the cocaine on his nose was not his.

An Uber driver's ear detached during a fight at a Florida airport.
Spontaneously?hot

Philly News

A Philly woman was fatally stabbed in a dispute over a parking space.

This is normal in a city that believes triple parking is a God-given right.

Dear lefty:

• Why do so many young ladies post naked pictures of themselves on Reddit?
• To answer the question accurately, I will need the exact locations of the pictures.

As I type this, the 90 year old neighbor is mowing her lawn. Again. Weekly.

I should probably feel bad I have to be forced to mow mine every few weeks.

We tried to get a service to do both lawns, but she says she likes mowing. Somehow, the list of things I want to be able to do when I'm 90 does not include mowing. Hell, the list of things I want to do now doesn't include mowing.

90 - wow.

I know someone who found out, overnight, he was going into hospice due to  cancer. What do you say in this situation? We don't deal well with death as a society to begin with...

After a period of deep introspection, I decided we need some up to date greeting cards

• Sorry You're Dying
• Sorry I Gave You Herpes
• Can I Have Your Girlfriends (When You Die)?
• Sorry Your Social Media Accounts Got Hacked
• I Love to Sing (at funerals)

Hallmark has not responded to my suggestions yet.

Speaking of death and introspection, there will be an auction of the late Burt Reynolds' possessions soon. The items range from credit cards to boots to his one-off Camaro for the Bandit movies.

You and I are nobody (I think). We are extremely unlikely to see our Stuff auctioned after we go wherever we go, if we go at all. 

Think about it: somebody had to go into his house and collect these things. 

Would you want your entire life to be auctioned off upon your passing? ("I won't care" is one acceptable answer.)

What kind of Stuff will be found post-mortem?

Your collection of 1970s Playboys

Farrah Fawcett and Kim Karsdashian posters

A drawer full of condoms, way past their expiration date

The chair you farted in for the last 30 years of your life

Your collection of belly button lint (from others)

27 small hard drives full of 1980s porn

43 used socks

The password to your Faceyspaces account

It's damn creepy, from the point of view of the living.

It also raises way too many ugly philosophical questions.

• I have a lot of trouble remembering things said to me yesterday, but I can identify some of the officers on LivePD by name (including the dogs).
• I have a lot of trouble remembering things said to me yesterday, but

Why is it that we can't bring a 4oz bottle on a plane but you can walk through our southern border?  Apparently Security Theater does not apply across the board...

Don't you want to kill me?

Legalize Lawn Darts!

WHat - you don't capitalize the second letter of sentences?
I keep trying to figure out why I do this. I suspect it's my ADD, smacking my dyslexia around.



The Vatican says people cannot choose or change genders.
This will come as quite a shock to the people who already have.

Perhaps they say Outrageous Stuff to take attention away from their hobbies.




Dear lefty:

• I heard that children as young as two are using the internet.
• At least they have an excuse for acting like a two year old.

The British conservative party (The Screamin' Starchies) introduced the first 47 candidates to replace the other lady who left. The issue is not that there are 47 candidates.. the issue is that one of the candidates is mildly attractive, which has thrown the entire election into chaos. The British Dental Association is involved, asking how they can possibly live up to the standard of perfectly normal teeth. The news outlets are looking to hire style commentators. The Chinese already have cheap knockoffs of her dresses. The British Hat Consortium has come unglued because she hasn't been seen wearing one of those conservative, laid back hats, the size of a small horse.

The candidate in question, Lady Fah Fah Fah Hosehead Knickers, blamed the entire brouhaha on Trump, silencing the controversy permanently.




Da Blooz

Funny how stuff works.
I came about my blues lessons by second generation blues players, like Led Zeppelin, Jeff Beck, and Eric Clapton; only I didn't know it. They were simply idols.

Around 1980, Stevie Ray Vaughan broke and took heads off with his fire and strong blues playing. SRV introduced the blues to everyone, including people who never heard of it.

Stevie made me curious, so I went back to do some exploring.
Listening to the three Kings, Albert, BB, and Freddie (RIP all), I began to see where SRV picked up his licks. Albert King immediately drew my attention because I recognized where Stevie got most of his licks. There's audio and video evidence of the two performing together, which must be seen. T Bone Walker was an early bluesman who had a heavy influence on future rockers, as did the spiritual Robert Johnson. He was the subject of Crossroads, with Ralph Macchio and Steve Vai.  If you listen to SRV before he hit big, you'd hear the influence of Eric Clapton, which jumps right up and grabs your ear.

It's mind-expanding to listen to the old masters and realize where my second generation heroes got it from. They sped it up and distorted the tones, but it's all there - they just renamed it Rock.

• Once again, a reminder to make sure you don't expose Remote Desktop Protocol to the internet. There is a patch from Microsoft - install it. There are at least two very serious backdoors that will infect your computer and make your information no longer yours. RDP has no security. It should not be anywhere near the internet.

California, a small planet west of Arizona, will be extending full health benefits to illegal aliens.

People keep re-electing these politicians. Apparently they, like Bernie Sanders, believe everything is free. The designation 'illegal' has no meaning for them. TIP: Identify as an illegal alien; you'll get full benefits. Within a year, I expect to have a pass for robbing banks too.

• Oxfam, a popular charity, got caught during an investigation with a culture of sexual abuse of the people they're supposed to be helping, some children. The company ignored the behavior. Oxfam said they're very sorry (for getting caught) and they'd do everything they could (to avoid getting caught). Further, to fix the problem, they will be hiring the Catholic church's public relations firm.

Joe Biden came out of the gate swinging. I prefer the Biden who did Goofy Stuff... it's difficult to take him seriously, especially when there are no women to fondle. It must be like when Al Franken went into politics... a comic trying to get people to take him seriously. Trump's response: did someone teach him to read?

All of this has been verified in a Quinni.... Quinnipee.... Quinnipeepee... popular poll.





If you have a Whirlpool dryer in the UK, you are advised to unplug it in an immediate fashion, lest it catch fire. Whirlpool said it's very sorry (for getting caught) and safety is its first priority. They're proud of their record, only taking four years to deal with the problem, and only after the government got involved. They are committed to fixing the problem (not getting caught again) and have turned down all requests to appear on the news or at polo matches. They will modify any defective units (about 500,000) or offer a discount on a new dryer, which will catch fire more spectacularly. All new Whirlpool appliances come with fire extinguishers, which are illegal in the UK because the firefighter union complained it takes away jobs.

Horton Hears Voices

A Florida man was arrested after going on a multi-state crime spree, ending with him being found naked, inside a chicken coop in New York. This sounds like meth: discuss.



Dear lefty:

• If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
• The one down the block that has huge branches falling down randomly, because it's being eaten by some bug no one can identify.

We bid fond farewell to Dr. John (Mac Rebennak - 77) who passed from a heart attack. If you don't know who he is, you probably remember his hit "Right Place, Wrong Time." He was a very influential musician (piano and guitar, gruff vocals) and helped keep Louisiana on the musical map.

• Remember Ring Dings? The small round chocolate cake with white filling and chocolate covering? There's now a vanilla covering and white cake. Trust me on this, they're worth a try.
• You don't get this kind of information from normal blogs...

This week's imaginary reader participation exercise:

Moon landing: true or hoax?

• Ancient Jewish curse: may your in-laws be Joan Rivers, Rosie Perez, and Fran Drescher

My life would be even better if I never heard these words or phrases again:

• guac
• game changer
• no brainer
• imma
• easy peasy
• not tonight
• the best EVer
• your dog has cancer

Dear lefty:

• As a future Miss America, how will you make the world a better place?
• sue the Miss America pageant until they allow men
• fix everything for the children
• remove the stigma from having facial hair and wearing ball gowns
• eliminate abortion after birth
• legalize drugs - mandate them if necessary
• put an end to the scourge of doorbell-licking
• tube top Tuesdays!

Penny's Corner

The chemotherapy continues. Everyone is very happy with her progress and she might not need the final treatment - they're going to re-evaluate her. How does one re-evaluate chemo? Yes, the dog continues to not have cancer? Additionally, this might mean not having to take a third mortgage on the house.

The chemo has been no help whatsoever with her licking my pants and sofa cushions. Mrs lefty doesn't even lick my pants, why should the dog?

Penny loves spending time in her yard. Currently she's installing some large holes in the lawn. She's much more excited about installing holes than I am, but then again, everybody is more excited than I am.

• In a controversial decision, the BBC has decided to stop airing news. They discovered that some people were sad and others triggered by events in the news and the BBC apologises for any offence it might have caused. Instead, there will be a constant display of puppies, kitties, and shrubbery.

I've been to a total of two car shows, so I'm what you'd call very experienced and opinionated. Actually I'm opinionated to begin with, hence this blog. Also hence the way people remember they had something to do when I show up. 

I like car shows, but have no idea why. The cars are nice, many of which were made before my mother ever had the idea she could make babies. Some before my mother ever had the idea she existed. 

Strangely, I have only one complaint: next to the 58 Chevys there are always the 2012 Camaros, with more chrome than a dealer's lot of new cars. The engines inevitable have dual quad carburetors and that blower thingie that requires cutting a hole in the hood. How do you drive with that monstrosity blocking your view? Apparently you don't.  It turns out the size of the owner's penis is inversely proportional to the height of the engine (or so I hear). In any case, I don't want to see these things (or their penises) - the older cars are more fun to look at. 

At one point I saw something I've never seen before. It was ancient. It had wooden tire spokes. The windshield was a round piece of glass, attached to the steering wheel column. There were no doors. Turned out to be a Ford Model T! It won the award for the oldest car I've ever seen. The old folks who came with it looked like they worked on the assembly line. The sponsor has an ambulance standing by, in case any of the entries died. There's a contingency plan to get the bodies out of there without anybody noticing. They do this by disguising the ambulance as the car from Ghostbusters, so it passes unnoticed.

We remembered that the cars of our youth were not stock if there was a huge engine that came through the hood. Some cars were jokes and junk when they originally came out but now they're old and vintage, like my guitars (and me, sometimes). The restorers truly did a great job, down to the seats and covering. Seeing the late 50s cars made me wistful for the guitars made those years (no, I was not around then). If I can find a late 50s lefty, it's somewhat expensive, in the way houses are expensive. Many of the transmissions on the cars are lacking PRNDLs - instead they have numbers like 1 2 3 4. I don't like that kind. Real men are secure enough to have their gears shifted for them. 

Be skeptical when you see people in high places speak against Fake News. They try to make it sound ridiculous, like newscasters talking about people seeing UFOs. It is a fact that the CIA infiltrated newsrooms, like the one with Walter Cronkite, and planted stories as an experiment. They even had people on the payroll. From very early, there was a gentlemen's agreement not to print certain 'interesting' behaviors of presidents (JFK for one). So fake news isn't a recent phenomenon. There are YouTube videos with snippets of newscasters all speaking from a script - all using the same words. 

The news now just pushes agendas. You will see certain themes, among them inflammatory stories of people doing damage with guns. You will not see stories about someone with a gun saving others. You will see the talking heads laugh off UFOs. You will see a great emphasis on sports and social media input. Local news is somewhat less biased but generally fluff and downright stupid. If you want news from an alternate viewpoint, you can tune in news from a different country, but they're also pushing an agenda - it's just harder to see. 

Some news networks have been caught making things up and staging national news, but they're local and on a set, trying to look like they're on scene. Most news networks are against the president, except Fox. This says people up the food chain are scared. Of course Fox just waves the flag, so they're not much better.

Don't laugh off claims of Fake News. Trump did not invent the claim - he's just the first to verbalize it. You've been consuming it forever.

I am gross and perverted

I'm obsessed 'n deranged

I have existed for years

But very little has changed

I'm the tool of the Government

And industry too

For I am destined to rule

And regulate you

I may be vile and pernicious

But you can't look away

I make you think I'm delicious

With the stuff that I say

I'm the best you can get

Have you guessed me yet?

I'm the slime oozin' out

From your TV set

You will obey me while I lead you

And eat the garbage that I feed you

Until the day that we don't need you

Don't go for help . . . no one will heed you

Your mind is totally controlled

It has been stuffed into my mold

And you will do as you are told

Until the rights to you are sold

That's right, folks . . .Don't touch that dial

Well, I am the slime from your video

Oozin' along on your livin' room floor

I am the slime from your video

Can't stop the slime, people, lookit me go

I Am the Slime - Frank Zappa

Trump Takes Up Meditation

Apparently the Boy Scouts have a very serious pedophile problem. People are coming forward and telling their stories.  Who the hell do they think they are - the church?

• Leslie Van Houten, one of the Manson Family, has been denied parole for the third time. For some reason, Charlie's Angels aren't very interesting - perhaps it's the lack of carving things into their foreheads. Charlie, on the other hand, was always amusing (after jail only). You could count on good old Charlie to say or do something stupid, like Joe Biden.
• But seriously, if you're bored, check Charlie out. His childhood pretty much guaranteed his adulthood would be 'interesting'. Not quite this interesting, though. The eyes say it all. One wonders if he had any 'help' becoming so persuasive.

Philly government, jealous of how long Baltimore has been non-operational due to ransomware, stepped right up and got virused. This is the first time Philly government has stepped up to do anything. Currently the court system is the only one affected, but the other departments are making appointments to plug into their network.

Rumor has it that the IT systems are being run by illegal aliens the mayor gave Sanctuary status.

Dear lefty:

• How many angels fit on the head of a pin?
• Do you do anything besides masturbate?

A Washington man called the police after a prostitute would not leave, preventing him from going to church. It was her 'come to Jesus' moment....

• Another mission into the jungle with my nemesis, the mower. It's bleedin' 2019 - has every child in the area found a better job? Back in Frozen Tundra Season, one enterprising youth went around with a shovel, charging a lot of money. This smart fella probably bought a lot of goodies on Amazon (or drugs) that night. This is one child in twenty years. The rest are probably shoveling in enhanced reality online games.
• Time Warp is in effect, with the young couple across the way sending their kids out to shovel the walks of their older neighbors (or else). I offer to pay, but noooooooo. I want to offer to do my elderly neighbor's lawn, but it's an inhuman struggle to do mine. Plus the lady enjoys mowing. Perhaps I should have her do my lawn too. She's only 89, fer chrissake. A young 89. Apparently she doesn't see mowing as The Job From Hell. 
• Perhaps I was bitten by a lawnmower when I was little.

Wife bemoaned having to drink powdered milk as a child. 

I had to drink instant water.

• After watching a child get very excited over a new toy, I realized it doesn't happen to me anymore.

Faceyspaces' employees held a mass protest over nipple censorship.

Never has a protest struck so closely to my heart....

• A Florida (well it's about time) man covered his sleeping girlfriend in ketchup, believing that she had been cheating on him. He should really try oil or chocolate syrup. Oh. Never mind.
• A Florida woman stabbed herself repeatedly because she's "tired of living in Trump's country".  Under law, she can be involuntarily committed to the Happy Place as a danger to herself. I've seen this referred to as Trump Derangement Syndrome.
• A Florida man was arrested after trying to flee police, only to wind up in the middle of a law enforcement convention.

Trump Goes to Blighty

As you can't help but see and hear, the president went to England.

The president's people (including Fox News) say it was to pay a visit to our best global partner and discuss economics.  

The queen, who just turned 147, kept asking her assistants who the tall guy with the funny hat is. They kept explaining that it was not a hat on his head, but gave up after a while. After meeting, she referred to Trump as Elizabeth. No one knows why, but Trump tweeted he'd be the best Elizabeth England has ever seen.

The Ministry of Silly Hats took a small vacation, as the ladies' hats made it in just under ceiling level, which is frightfully small for England. Like him or not, the First Lady is stunning. The others laughed at her because her hat was so small, it fit under the door frame.

The amount of Englanders taking exception to the president was so loud, you'd think he was their president. 

The press was very British, treating the visit with respect.

The US press was 94% negative. CNN took a moment out from "Everything he did wrong" to bring on an English journalist, who said Trump actually behaved himself.  It was CNN/NBC/everyone vs Fox. None were watchable. 

If the president made an announcement that anthrax is fatal, 50% of the country would be dead overnight. The headlines would say "Trump Kills Half the Country."  When he won the election, the headline was "Hillary Loses." 

Not that there weren't gaffes..... Trump kept referring to Prince Charles as Jug-Ears and had to dodge Lady Camilla's advances, which got more brazen over the night, with the application of alcohol. He spoke to many decorated war veterans and asked his people if this was the war on the beach. In a speech, he referred to WWII as the Great War, the Best War, and said England was Winning. 

Piers Morgan interviewed the president, with respect, then presented him with a bowler. The joke was on Trump, as the rules state no one over 5'7" (50 British pounds) can wear a bowler.

Trump left the country, but only after the queen told her best filthy jokes. He said Lady 27th From The Throne Megan Markle has nice ones, but his wife had the best implants ever, of any first lady.

The American press went crazy on French President Macrone, decrying the fact that he spoke French. They demanded to taste some of his fries and his dressing.  The presidential staff had a blast, mis-translating French in Trump's earpiece. When Macrone welcomed him to the conference, the staff translated it as, "He says you're a pussy." At the end of the conference, France officially surrendered to Trump.

The following day, the president went to Ireland. You won't see much in the news, because no one could understand them. He was heard to say, "these people are almost as bad as the Welsh - they have no vowels."

All in all, it went much better than expected; England making no plans to bomb the US (because they'd have to ask permission first).

• I like elephants. You know - not the in-person elephants... the ones on tv. Everybody loves elephants. Now take a minute and look at an elephant. What kind of drugs was evolution on when this came about? They're obviously not descended from apes. Maybe aliens. Maybe the aliens were on something when they were here. A trunk? Where else in nature???
• Don't get me started on aardvarks.

the new iDevice STAND is $999

Neo Liberal Conservatives

The entire neighborhood received a personal letter from an existing neighbor. The letter would allow us to get in on a great deal; the sale of their house before the realtor got it. Some people want a second home at the shore, but everyone wants a second home on the same block. Avoid the rush - get yours now!

We couldn't figure out what was up with this monumentous event.
A brief conversation with an occupant of the house in question turned up the reason for the deluge of personal letters: the neighborhood demographics were changing. Translated, the hood is getting dark. The afros are invading. The darkies are in the hood. Property values will go to hell! Women will find their husbands insufficient! KFC will sponsor the block! Watermelon is mostly water!

It's great to see that attitudes have evolved.
Oops.

I'm staying put. Maybe they can help me get some rhythm.

The national speeling bee was the other day. The kids did so well that the award went to the entire group of eight. The kids appeared on the news: when asked what they wanted to do, one piped right up and said, "Gastroenterologist." These kids are just past the "I want to be a fireman!" stage. Each won $50,000, which most said will go for college. The mantra was "We worked very hard and these are the benefits."  

There were seven Indian kids and one caucasian female.

Before the Bee was over, SJWs flooded the hall, demanding Children of Color and trans kids win, retroactively.

Dear lefty:

• What do I do, now that my state outlaws abortion?
• Retroactively abort the politicians.

Sylvester Stallone (72) is making Rambo 5. He just got done making Rocky 47 and vowed all of his movies will have a number in them. His stunt double does all the walking and speaking. Nobody does any acting.

• Toronto is in an NBA final. Even I know this is odd. They will only play if the court is laid on top of the hockey ice.

In case you were wondering, and I know you were, English cockers are every bit as wacky and neurotic as American cockers.

• The Air Force says the sky trail shaped like a penis was unintentional. The plane's tendency to skywrite "The Pope Fucks Little Boys" is also unintentional.

A Pennsylvania (not Florida) auto auction sold a car, later found out to contain a man in the trunk. Auction officials said it's just like a spare tire; in case your man deflates or gets a nail in him, you replace him with the spare man.

• Can we do away with Roman numerals - it's MMXIX already

Snapchat employees have abused internal tools to access user date, including phone numbers, snaps, location info and more.

I Found Bladder Leak Underwear That's Actually Pretty

well, that's what the commercial says.
They're wrong.

• For the first time in 40 years, Pizza Hut is changing its pan pizza recipe. Focus groups show the original one wasn't close enough in taste to its cardboard container. They fixed that.

We got some tornadoes recently, in AR, OK, OH, PA, NJ and NY.
The damage was horrendous.
But once again, knee-jerk humanity came out, pulled out its camera, and took video of the tornado. When did Take Video win the battle with Survival Instinct?

Bob Arkansaw knew the tornado was on its way and did the only thing he could: he whipped out his phone and took video of it.  Over there, on what remains of his house, is a small red stain that was once Bob.

Dear lefty:

• Is there a colostomy bag that's actually pretty?
• You're single, aren't you...

A Florida (you knew it was coming) man was arrested after assaulting his mother with a corn cob. Did they close all the schools in Florida? Are the clouds seeded with valium? Do they grow corn or was it imported? Imported corn causes the most damage - don't ask how I know....

A Florida woman didn't flush the toilet. When her roommate complained, a fight ensued, which involved yelling, spitting, and swinging a plunger. Plunger Control! Sensible people do not need to own plungers.

• the Canadian Border Patrol seizes about two tons of amphetamine per year. They're frightfully quick, but have no teeth, eh?

A typical locomotive, with a 12 cylinder diesel engine, once powered 1,600 houses during a power outage. Each engine piston is larger than an entire car engine and the engine weighs over 30,000 tons. Trains are also an efficient means of suicide, if you ignore cleanup.

• In case you woke up at 3am, wondering about Earl Grey tea, what makes it unique is oil of bergamot: this is what makes it taste like drinking soap.

A man who peed in a Memphis cereal factory has got 10 months in prison. When released, he will work for Shredded Wheat, helping to improve the taste.





Isn't Pervasive Surveillance Wonderful?
Someone kills a female, puts her body in a suitcase and throws it out. It is discovered at the trash dump. All haulers are interviewed: one remembers picking the case up at a dumpster. A neighbor's security camera fails to capture the killer depositing the case.

Detectives examine the suitcase, discover it's new, and pull the UPC code. The UPC shows it was only sold through Walmart, of which there are two locally. Walmart magically pulls the sales records and finds two people bought this suitcase. The first was at 9pm, so they pull up the security camera for the specific checkout lane. Records indicate the lady who purchased the case was a Walmart Rewards member, so they pull up everything she's done and check on her, to find she's got no criminal record.

Second person to purchase this suitcase (3am) was wearing a distinctive shirt, so it was easy to track him throughout the entire store.  A good look was provided by the cashier overhead camera; he also purchased disposable gloves, and calmly walked out. In fact there were several angles of him walking out. Then two parking lot cameras gave two views of him in the lot, plus what vehicle he got into and what direction it left in. The videos matched a verbal description of the man, plus the color and type of vehicle. He was arrested for murder.

That's how pervasive surveillance was used to track down a killer. Not mentioned was the rich amount of data available from his cell phone or electronic data going to the store.

None of us murder people (I hope), but are you comfortable with this level of surveillance? This is only physical... electronic surveillance is much worse. You may say to yourself that you're not guilty, so it's ok. It is not ok. We deserve freedom from this kind of monitoring, regardless. Just like certain agencies monitoring your email, phone calls, and browsing. We have Amendments prohibiting this sort of thing.

Please give this some consideration.

Party this weekend!!!

Will You Show These 20 Good People the Dog Kennels?

The above references a Monty Python sketch about a just-married couple buying a mattress. This is because today's story is about a mattress.

A fictional couple is purchasing a sleep number bed and a no number fridge from their fictional parents.

Fictional Mom: I need a new bed, so we want to give you the new Sleep Number bed.

Fictional Wife: That's incredibly generous of you but we must pay you for it.

Fictional Husband: G-bus, we've had cars that cost less than that bed.

Mom: And the fridge.

Wife: The fridge?

Mom: Yes.




Wife: I'll call some movers.

Husband: Call one of those 2 guys and a truck people. We don't need commercial movers for a bed and fridge.

Wife: I called them, only it's two guys - we have to rent the truck.

Husband: This isn't going to go well, is it?

Wife: Not on your life, bud.




Wife: It's all set! We have a truck, two guys at an outrageously high hourly rate, and all will go well.

Husband: You're just tempting the universe.

Wife: All we need to do it make sure there's a path for them to move everything.

Husband. A path, you say?

Wife: Yes, so they can walk the bed and fridge through.

Husband: What - the 2' path that's already there isn't enough?


Wife: It's Monday - we have the whole week to work on it.
Tuesday.
Wednesday.
Thursday.
Friday.
Wife: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE ALL THIS SHIT TO DO.  Bag up the 100 dog toys he put all over the steps. Clean the entire kitchen. Hide the spare televisions and the rhinocerous cages in the bathroom. Throw the explosives in the bedroom. Put the bird out back. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON'T HAVE A BIRD?

Husband: You do realize I'm working from home today.

Wife: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE EARLY.

Husband: How do you leave early when you're already home?

Wife: STFU and get vacuuming.

Husband: Shouldn't I wait til they have everything in place and they're done dragging in more dirt?

Wife: No. We're recovering slobs and I don't want anyone to know. Now clean the fridge.

Husband: The fridge? The one we're throwing out?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: Why am I cleaning literal trash?

Wife: I don't want anybody to know what our fridge looks like.

Husband: Keep the (*#@ing doors closed.

Wife: You need to take the doors off.

Husband: No I don't.

Wife: Yes you do - it's the law, so kids don't get stuck in there.

Husband: If they get stuck in there, they'll learn a valuable lesson and never do it again.



One day earlier:

Wife: I texted Dad 4 hours ago that everything was set and nothing has changed. He just left a voicemail, panicking because he doesn't know the game plan.

Husband: I just got 2 calls from Fictional Parents within 5 minutes, out of their minds because they don't know what's up and because you didn't answer your phone. When did I become your answering service?

Wife: They're crazy. They will wait til I have time to call them.

Husband: Can't we just cancel the bed? They're giving stuff to their neighbors - let them give the bed to them too. It's a small apartment, so they'll have to hang it from the ceiling, then the parents will complain that the ceiling makes too much noise.


Back to Friday: T minus four hours til delivery.

Dad: I'll help by driving the truck. But Wife, you have to come over and spend time with Mom the moment you're done. She misses you and you haven't come over all week.

Husband: WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? IT'S THEIR BLEEDING FRIDGE and they have no concept of us having to set it up, as well as firing up the front-end loader to make room in the bedroom (behind the explosives).

Wife: Ok, I'm leaving now. All you need to do is take out the trash, clean the fridge, sweep everything you can find into a random trash bag, make a nice picnic for when we're done, and put together these 12 space-saver shoe racks, because 12 is all they had - the rest are back ordered.

Husband: These are for the basement, right? I can't get to the basement because of all the shoe rack boxes blocking the stairs. Why is there a half full can of soda that's unopened in the fridge? Hey, have you seen the dog?


Husband continues chores.
Notices that if he touches one thing, 13 other things mysteriously appear in the way, then fall over.
Brings out vacuum. The cord won't reach. Vacuum turns itself on and off.
Vacuum has to be stopped constantly because there's change on the floor. Nobody knows why, but change is always on the floor at vacuuming time. Unfortunately, high denomination dollar bills never litter the floor- just change. Vacuums don't like change. Neither do most people.

The chair that needs to be moved weighs 100lbs without the 100lb go-kart that's on it. The poor dog is cowering on the couch, unable to see the floor.  Husband goes to the (now clean) fridge to get something to drink. There's nothing there except plenty of warm spring water. Under the chair is that cat he thought ran away last summer. Perfectly preserved too. Perhaps he could earn a few bucks through taxidermy.

Wife calls to ask how wide the doorway is. Husband measures 71. Wife says the answer she's looking for is in inches - try turning the tape around. Husband regresses to age 5, when Mom asked how many gallons of gas the car took.
Tip: do NOT smoke near gas pumps.

Husband sees a trash bag to take out in the kitchen, only he can't pick it up because there's a chainsaw on top of it. The fridge had to be moved away from the wall. Why? Because the underneath might be dirty and has to be swept before the movers get there with the new fridge. Husband's head hurts really badly. The voices are saying very nasty things that would lead to a lengthy jail sentence. At 3:30, husband figures he might want to have breakfast but can't, because most of the food has been hidden in the garage. He didn't know he had a garage, but you learn something new every day. Also, Dunkin Donuts frozen hot chocolate makes an excellent breakfast, any time of day.

Husband collapses and finally goes back to work. He wonders if he talks wife into sex, would that be considered having sex at work. He ponders other large questions while the the neighbor manages to run three mowers at the same time. He tells wife that it's been nice and sunny for two days, so they better get ready for the May snowstorm the following day.


Fictional Mover: Where do you want the bed?

Husband: upstairs.

Mover: Do you want the fridge up there too?

Husband: This is a pretty weird house, but I'd prefer it in the kitchen.



Husband: Wouldn't it be easier to take the old one out first?

Mover: What old one?

Husband: The old fridge.

Mover: We weren't told anything about that. You should really clean that thing - you don't want the neighbors seeing it this way.



Mover: Ok, we need a wider doorway for the new fridge.

Husband: Oh.

Dad: Nah, they just have to move it in sideways. GUYS - just move it that way. The magnets come off the front- take the little fridge magnets off and you'll get it through. Turn it this way. No, it won't work. Nah, it won't get through. You should move it back and try it again. Nah, it won't work.

Mover1 to Mover2: Turn it a little. That's it, we're good.

Dad: See, I told you so. Sometimes I have good ideas.

Husband: stunned silence.

Mover: [seething] Do youse need anything else? Here are some parts of the door that fell off.

Wife: No thanks, I just have to clean the old fridge you guys put on the curb. I don't want the neighbors to see it like this.

My Hair Hurts

Theresa May has announced she'll be stepping down as Prime Minister of England. Insiders say that she was unable to get the country to stand by its own vote.

A likely candidate is Boris Johnson. This guy is a shoe-in because his hair looks like he was attacked by a lawnmower: it will bring the UK and the US closer in follicles.

• Trump allows Barr to declassify surveillance documents around the Russia investigation. Perhaps if we send postcards, he'll declassify ufo documents.

Dear lefty:

• Why do I have trouble with relationships?
• You're too clingy. That and your micro-penis.

Making dietary changes is hard. We shouldn't have to do it... it lowers quality of life. Candy and CocaCola is a perfectly nutritious breakfast, but nooooo..... After that special diet most of my life, I had to make sacrifices. People used to tell me that sugar is poison. They don't tell me that anymore because they're afraid of getting hit. Again. They don't understand the sacrifices I've made... Morning coffee is sacred to everyone. I went from three tablespoons of sugar to two teaspoons. I'm still shaking, after a year. Don't let anyone tell you it's easy.

• In Australia, a man was fined at the airport for not declaring his nuts. Perhaps he identifies as female. Regardless - be proud.. show your nuts!

A man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles. That's the ugliest case of gender confusion ever.

• Florida (YAY!) banned 'childlike' sex dolls. 
• Florida is God's Waiting Room - what would they do with.... ewwww

The Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the state has no obligation to protect personal information. They did, however, restate that they have an obligation to take your money and fritter it away on any old thing, then raise your taxes.  Privacy - from the people who brought you the DMV.

• ThermionicEmissions applauds Gillette for inclusiveness, in its commercial about a father teaching his trans son to shave. Inclusiveness: what we all want to see.

Through the mid 80s, there were scheduled burns of garbage at Area 51. These were toxic materials from the Stealth program. Employees started developing cancer and demanded information. (Mr.) President Clinton signed an order stating that Area 51 was off-limits for investigations, on national security grounds. People continue to die, but it's a patriotic death - for national security. 

• If you live with someone who has ADD and you're bored, buy a house fan. While putting it together, put the front on upside down, so the logo is upside down. THIS is why I'm going to hell.