Has Anybody Seen My Nose Hair?

 Your love is like  repeated listenings to Yoko Ono

Chris Rock is touring. Tickets are $135. 

$175 if you want to take a shot at him.

Today I identify as  a lesbian

• Drinking coffee may help treat ADHD, study says
• Meh. If that were true, I'd be normal by now.

NFL franchises must appoint 'diverse person' as part of new guidance

Who do they think they are - the president? But they're right - I have yet to see a single Asian person on or off the field.

I get the impression that nobody's watching over the security of power generation, or they're asleep at the wheel. There are a lot of stories about power stations getting hacked. This terrifies me. The industry needs to wake up. Now.

12:00 noon (even in Canada)

My phone is making those ALERT ALERT ALERT noises. Nothing good ever comes from an ALERT noise. I hope it's not an alert about those yellow children - it's such a shame. No, wait, it's a weather ALERT. Considering that our paid forecasters have an accuracy rate of somewhat lower than the odds in Vegas, I don't hold out much hope for the yellows.

So let's see... there's some sort of squall by 1:00. Of course there is - it's (temporarily) bright outside. Plus I'm not sure what a squall is. Is that the little bird people hunt? Why would they need a warning about that? Seems like unfair advantage to the hunters. 

12:30 ALERT ALERT ALERT

Apparently the squalls are running late, owing to a problem on a 737 where some guy doesn't want to wear a mask and keeps referring to the captain as Sissy Bob. This should put the squall overhead by 1:30.

3:30 ALERT ALERT ALERT

Just when I had had it with squalls, it turns out this is a SNOW squall, which might be a white version of the aforementioned bird. Apparently there are so many of them, there will be whiteout conditions (out of the blue). This will happen by 4:30, or until you hear the next ALERT ALERT ALERT.  It's still almost sunny outside, so this is the perfect condition for squalls, snow, sleet, slush, birds, and flying white Lincolns.

GO AHEAD - tell me there are no advantages to being an amateur agoraphobic. I was before the Flying AIDS. I was during the Flying AIDS. And now I was during the Great Squalls of National Women's History Month. 

• If you list your Ebay item with "WOW" in the title, at least one of us is an idiot.

Flying AIDS News

CDC reports fewer COVID-19 pediatric deaths after data correction

March 18, 2022, Reuters

Fauci Was 'Untruthful' to Congress About Wuhan Lab Research, New Documents Appear To Show

September 9, 2021, Newsweek

The C.D.C. Isn’t Publishing Large Portions of the Covid Data It Collects

February 20, 2022, New York Times

Pfizer, Moderna vaccines aren’t the same; study finds antibody differences

With a second booster now authorized for some, the question is when to get it [Updated]

Today I learned:  when you go to someone's house and they're serving you dinner, do not refer to the guacamole as 'frog in a blender.'

Top General Exposes War Corruption, Profiteering

• Twitter user sentenced to 150 hours of community service in UK for posting ‘offensive’ tweet
• They're coming for us too. Just not yet.

UFO Cover-up
Two-Page Summary of the Book Disclosure
Government & Military Witnesses Testify on Major UFO Cover-up

Today's Useless Fact

Less than 1% of the population has violet eyes. At one time, everybody had brown eyes. Color is a function of melanin, with other than brown eyes having less. Out of the other colors, green is the most rare.  Elizabeth Taylor was supposed to have violet eyes, but it was caused by lighting; her eyes were blue.

We have a really large jar of vinegar. I'm not sure why.

You know what's coming, right?

I came down this morning to the smell of....... bleach, and towels on the floor.

As it was explained to me, the dog launched herself into the kitchen, broke the seal on the new, gallon-size vinegar bottle, and knocked it over, spreading it all over the place.

I think the bleach smell was to get rid of the vinegar smell.

Don't ask me - I just live here.

*If you have a battery-operated device and the batteries have leaked, remove them and soak a Q-tip with distilled vinegar. Wipe the battery contacts down. They will come up like new and the device will work with batteries.

So we have the Zombie Dishes, where I wash them and they reappear in the sink, dirty. It's most disconcerting. The other day I noticed something even more strange: Automatic Trashcans. I drag them to the curb, and figured Wife put them back. Today she told me she didn't. Now we're looking at each other strangely (moreso). Zombie Dishes cause more work, but Automatic Trashcans cause less work. We thought it might be our friends, but ours went back hours before theirs. Now we're flummoxed. It's definitely not the dog because she's always with us. I don't hear them moving, which is a little odd. Don't get me wrong - I'm thankful, but I'd like to know who to thank. One doesn't exactly go down the block, bashing pots and pans together, saying "THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THE CANS BACK," like a one-lunatic parade (let's just say that one doesn't do that twice).

Who does one hire to check up on trashcans? Private investigator? Priest? Native American? Out of work circus clowns? Do I put trackers in them? Small video recorders? Can you imagine the call to the police? If the good-doer has a wand and BLIPs them away, I guess the video won't work. I could get a house video system, but I don't want Amazon to know before I do. At very least I want to thank them and maybe ask if they'd trade for mowing season, which is coming up. 

NASA Astronaut Back on Earth After Russia Joked About Leaving Him in Space

Because of Putin's invasion of Ukraine, there were questions about how our astronaut would get back from the Space Station. Russia said they would, under certain considerations:

1. he let everyone call him Stoli
2. he refer to Biden as an idiot (along with the other 74% of the country)
3. he drink the cosmonauts under the table, with something called wodka
4. he wear a diaper on the way down, in that old, rickety Russian ship
5. he only breathe American air, not Russian
6. he start a 'special friendship' with one of the cosmonauts
7. have the landing changed to somewhere easier to spell than Kazakhstan

It's the Bees' Proboscis

 

Your love is like  catching your nose in the blender

I can almost guarantee that there's not someone in your house, watching Three Faces of Eve, screaming at the tv that "YOU'RE WRONG," "STFU," and "I can do better than that."

Three Faces of Eve is an old movie about multiple personality disorder, starring Joanne Woodward. Joanne went on to star in Sybil, as the therapist for Sally Field's Sybil, who was multiple.

Today I identify as  canned air

We've all heard of some bad jobs, but what about the people at the Make A Wish type foundations? What must it be like when all your charges die? Do you need a wish yourself?

I watched the news last night, which is never a good idea.

It was kinda nice to see the story on how local groups are getting together to help Ukrainian citizens by sending basic food and supply packages. This is both a humanitarian and libertarian ideal.

We have a real problem with gangs riding ATVs and bikes, almost flash-mobbing intersections and terrorizing drivers. The police said it's too much of a resource-drain and are no longer bothering with it. I'm going to start robbing banks, since the police are no longer enforcing laws. Hell, I've already got my mask....

As with any city, we have a full complement of news personalities, including a phalanx of Weather Weirdos. Since none of them is ever correct, the networks have to hire them for their proclivities. The general favorite is the generic Large-Breasted Weather Lady. Quickly up and coming is the Scarily-Dressed Weather Lady. We only see commercials with her in them, and boy, is she a sight. Most of the time, it looks like her pre-teen daughter dresses her.  This is apparently not a problem, perhaps even a feature for the station. She is, as they now say, a Woman of Size<tm>, so onscreen appearances would be especially important to dress for. I am no expert in these matters, but she is likely pregnant too. When I say not an expert, I mean it's difficult to tell, and even *I* avoid asking women if they're pregnant or just fat. (I've come far, haven't I?)

When not dressed by her daughter, she's dressed by a blind person, in a wheelchair, in the dark. The other night it was some sort of neon green drapes or something, plus what looked like black sneakers, when they showed all of her. She obscures or outshines the weather board thingie in the background. They say some pregnant women look like they're carrying a basketball in there. She looks like she's carrying the whole court. Regardless of the reason, she is still gifted below the neck, so perhaps they were going for generic Large-Breasted Weather Lady, and got a belly with their breasts. Original generic Large-Breasted Weather Lady also seems to expand below her mammalian protuberances, but in more traditional shape for her background. 

Maybe it's just me; I like petite.

Before you get on my case for being 'fat-phobic,' it was the choice of the news producers to hire these people, so they're fair game. And don't get me started on the small guy with the bowtie and little extra body surface. 

Then there was coverage of the St Patty's Day parades.

Everybody is Irish on St Patty's Day, as my friend Muhammed Cohen tells me.

The main thrust of the parades seemed to be dancing, banner-holding, and drinking. One enthusiast dyed his hair neon green, plus there was green beer. It just doesn't seem enough for a parade. In fact, they tell me it's just a normal Friday in more southern parts of the city. The worst part, of course, is the interviews. I think Philly doesn't get its due in the accent department. Of course the country thinks the South is pretty funny, as is Boston. but the heavier Philly accent is absolutely cringe-inducing, even for Philadelphians. I think the city needs to hire consultants to get its accent more widely laughed at. Knowing the city, there are probably consultants already hired for this, but no one can find them, yet the checks are already cashed.

The spongy moth’s new name replaces an ethnic slur

In a further effort to make everyone say "Just give it a rest," the gypsy moth has been renamed the gypsy beaver. This should hopefully not offend anybody. Well, maybe beavers, but until they make their offense known, the moth should be ok.

Windows Suckage 

Dear Windows: when I tell you to automatically connect to a particular wireless system, it's not a wish or request, it's an order. When the system tells me it has no path to the internet, I look at wireless connections and see mine, with the "connect automatically" box checked. But it didn't bother to connect. 

Let's add to this, in a recent beta, File Manager started serving ads. 

I don't know about you, but I am not a target for my operating system's ads. If you read what you signed on for in Windows, ads were included. I recoiled.

Funny, none of this happens in Mac or linux. You don't even need a Mac or linux account to sign on. 

I have no choice, because work uses it, but there are no Windows in my house, making Mrs. lefty a happy woman. We don't do Windows. I don't think you should support this nonsense either. 

• Microsoft's second annual Work Trend Index report shows that half of bosses are out of touch with reality. This is right up there with cow farts studies.
• But seriously... who among us doesn't know this? If they understood reality, they wouldn't be your boss. The Peter Principle states "you are promoted to the level of your own incompetence."

Hey, if you've got lots of millions to throw away, Jeffrey Epstein's two islands are for sale. The islands do not come with underage girls, underage boys, airplanes, open access to Ghislane Maxwell (yes, she is still alive!), and any guarantee of anonymity. Ok, anonymity is still on the table, because when you entertain the kind of clientele Epstein did, you either forget everything or go to jail, committing suicide by shooting yourself, then hiding the gun.

A Ukrainian priest was shot by Russian soldiers at a checkpoint and is being investigated as a suspected war crime. 

You've probably sat down and asked yourself why there are Rules of War.

And these rules are agreed upon.

• Yes, you can bomb cities, but you may not shoot a priest.
• It's ok to shoot chemically-equipped rockets but not at a children's hospital.
• Do not get caught throwing people into ovens.
• Go ahead and shoot social media influencers but not orphanages.

I'm way more fun when asleep, apparently. I do Stuff. Stuff I don't even know about. Apparently the other night I was sobbing. Strangely, the dog was too. Poor Mrs. lefty. A while back I was singing Joe Cocker. I'm just wondering why I can't do anything useful in my sleep, like sleep. Or why I can't get paid to sing Joe Cocker songs while awake. I used to get paid to sing and play, but as with any gig like that, it came with band members. Band members who usually made the entire effort excruciatingly painful. Who would insist on practicing three nights per week, then get onstage and make mistakes as if they never practiced the songs. To this day, I don't understand it. Then there was the other band. I hadn't heard from them for a few weeks, so I called one of them. The band had broken up, but they forgot to tell me. Apparently the keyboard player flaked out at random intervals, and this was his time. How I was supposed to know that is beyond me. We played at a swim club a few times. It was summer (no, really?) but it was the absolute dregs of summer, about 92 degrees, with 95% humidity. I move around a lot when I play and noticed the sweating. Then the shortness of breath. I wondered if they had ambulances around - I never passed out onstage before. Fortunately I made it through the 3 hour set (ok, one hour), took off my shoes, and walked right into the pool. I would have played the rest of the day from the pool, but I suspect it would have involved electricity and more ambulances. But it sure was dandy they had a pool there (at the swim club) so I could cool off. 

Flying AIDS News 

Omicron is trouncing the argument for “natural immunity” to COVID

UK Covid infections climb by a million in a week

• South Africa wants to fight SIM swapping with biometric checks
• Usually this crap doesn't happen in South Africa first. Maybe Australia or the UK. Pretty soon you'll have to scan your eyes to use a phone.... no more burners either. You need to be ever-vigilant or your rights will go right out the window.

Life is not fair.

We mistakenly got that impression somewhere.

Remember this the next time it snows on your parade, the tree installed a hole in the windshield, the glass in your bedroom window decides to test gravity, and your screen door is parked in your neighbor's parking spot. You have a disease that doesn't have a name yet, the sentence for murdering your neighbors has increased by ten years, and your entire wireless network has taken a vacation.

I should probably have that on a t-shirt or five.

In bed, I notice there's no wireless.

I'm learning to just shake my head and go about (aboot in Canada) my business .

The next morning, I'm faced with a weird (not dead) network.

The problem here is that I set everything up, so I'm the only one who can fix it (I think). Why does my phone work but not my laptop? I sure as hell didn't do anything to anything to cause this. After a few hours of screaming (one cannot fix anything to do with computers without screaming), I got it fixed. The wireless told me it didn't have internet. Well duh, neither did my laptop. I think it was a bad cable (that somehow became bad late at night, all by itself). 

I stepped out of the office, cables wrapped around my neck, cutting off some necessary blood flow to my brain, tripping on other cables, going face-down on the floor, and announced "IT'S WORKING." It was all for naught, as I was the only one around. So I had to settle for being silently pleased at my great job. Not even the dog was there to wag her tail at the announcement. She always wags her tail, but I was willing to suspend disbelief and claim she was proud of me too. She wags her tail at the groomer's; he says she's the only dog who does.

I guess I could have the standard wireless setup from the cable company, but where's the fun in that? 

What Do You MEAN You're Out of Elephant Chow?

 

Your love is like  shredded rebar pie

This oil gasoline supply chain thing is getting messy. We're out of bbq sauce and ketchup. Gas is sky high. I smell war.

Today I identify as  gender-inappropriate pronouns

• Legally, Russia can’t just take its Space Station and go home
• Legally, Russia can't invade other countries....

I hear my workplace is 'working' on a Pronouns Committee.

Since Wife bought me a filter for my birthday, my first inclination is to Shut The Fsck Up (STFU). Because if I don't STFU, I'll wind up Getting the Fsck Out (GTFO). How, I ask myself, is my company going to achieve better and more efficient performance with pronouns? Perhaps somebody read the book "Achieve Better and Greater Efficiency with Pronouns," (whether or not it exists, which it probably does). I haven't seen the list and would immediately get thrown out if I joined the committee, so here's some suggestions:

• they, they, them  (multiple personalities)
• nfw  (mine)
• no   (everybody else's)
• YO, dey, dem   (anybody from Philly or Jersey)
• hey Shithead  (sometimes mine)
• Just stop it    (general)

The other day was National Goof Off Day. Employers all over the world stopped it from getting out.

• Do you use smart devices? Here is how these appliances spy on you
• Don't buy an Amazon tablet - get an android instead. They're the same, except the Amazon tablet reports everything you do and restricts you a little.

Not smart but clever? The return of 'dumbphones'

for dumb people 

I kid. 

This is a very interesting movement, as a first or second phone.

Give it to your kids as punishment - no social media or other apps. 

Keep yourself in line and/or stop distraction. 

Great for hipsters, after their bag phone loses its cred.

The drawback is that it's a PITA to text, so it's not a device for your elderly relatives. "Push 2 three times for a C." Remember these? 

The people behind Words with Friends have noted the number of players slumping and decided to look for new games.

• Nuclear Weapons with Friends
• Anthrax with Friends
• Hand Grenades with Friends
• EMP with Friends - fry your friends' devices!

Don't you hate it when you're possessed by Satan and the dog's on the couch, humping a pillow?

Flying AIDS News 

Testing for COVID with the sound of a cough? There’s an app for that

Moderna reports good COVID vaccine results for kids <6, plans FDA submission

• Spin’s electric scooters will be available to rent in the Lyft app
• further removing any of that nasty testosterone from the planet... 

Russia's cost of living soars by more than 14%

HA - we've got them beat! 

• Amanda Bynes: Judge ends former actress's nine-year conservatorship
• You know I've got a soft spot for former Disney people who completely lose it publicly (and so many do). Good for you, Amanda. I hope you keep it together.
• Why do so many Disney actresses come unglued? We're way beyond coincidence.

Phoenix Open beer throwing at Scottsdale 'unacceptable' says PGA Tour chief

Hockey comes to golf! 

Blindspots on SUVs, vans, and pickups are bad for pedestrian health

Of course they are. Plus anyone around them can't see through SUVs. 

Google’s Messages app can now handle iMessage reactions, challenges Apple with new features

JFC, this is about the worst news android phone users could get. 

A while back, I notices emojis creeping into texts. I didn't know but this was a warning. Then I noticed "Bob liked ..." reactions. WTF is this and why do I care what Bob liked? It got worse from there. I asked around and found out this was an Apple thing. Of course it was an Apple thing. Texting is SMS - short message service. So we use texting to shorten things like emails. Now we've found a way to shorten texts; with these lovely "liked" buttons and frickin emojis. This blog and my phone have been 100% emoji-free since their inception.

As I mentioned, my phone isn't that busy.

Well now it is.

I have a family text group that communicates semi-regularly. This is good, as it forces me to text (or at least read the texts) and lets everyone know if they should call CSI or the coroner to look for my body.

Unfortunately, like tv and the net, it's largely content-free and only serves to aggravate me. As usual, I am the only one aggravated.

ME: Happy Birthday, Bob.

DING

BOB: thanks

DING

BOB: liked text Happy Birthday

DING

FRAN: liked text Happy Birthday

DING

FRAN: Yeah, happy birthday, Bob!

DING

SUE: liked text Happy Birthday

DING

KEN: cake emoji

DING

FRAN: liked emoji Happy Birthday

DING

IRENE: liked emoji Happy Birthday

Mrs. lefty: they're at it again

Me: PLEASE... not the singing happy birthday emoji

DING

SUE: singing happy birthday emoji

DING

KEN: liked singing happy birthday emoji

DING

FRAN: liked singing happy birthday emoji

Me: please make them stop

Mrs. lefty: they're YOUR fscking family

Me: we better turn the phones off if we want to have any more sex.... what possible good can come from this?

DING

ME: Will you please stfu? I'm trying to have some sex here.

DING

SUSAN: oooh.... TMI

DING

KEN: liked Having sex here

DING

BOB: don't hurt your hand, lefty

DING

ME: I'm sending you an emoji for the first time. If you like it, it will plant a virus on your phone.

DING

FRAN: liked virus on your phone

DING

ALL: hahahaha lefty

DING

ALL: HEY - I can't put emojis into texts - what's wrong???????

DING

ME: liked Can't put emojis into texts

Service Elephant go Washy Washy

Your love is like   finger sandwiches, with real fingers

Pharmaceutical drugs are polluting rivers worldwide, study warns

On the positive side, we have some of the most well-adjusted fish in the world 

Today I identify as  a set of 5 year old transgender triplets

Something happened and we were allowed out of the house. No snow, no small explosions, no deaths in the family. We came back to the house and the dog was watching Walker, Texas Ranger. Between you and me, I don't think she was watching it. I think it's Mrs. lefty, "leaving the tv on for the dog." I'm sure the dog would rather she leave the oven on with a pizza cooking. One of those all meat pizzas - no crust.

Walker has a pretty good rug.  So anyway, they're in the back of a small Learjet, when out of nowhere, something that looks like a WWII Messerschmitt(?) pops out of nowhere and starts strafing the Lear. The Lear now has 50+ holes in it and is still flying. The only damage is to the front of the plane, meaning the pilot and copilot, who are occupying their seats, bereft of life. Naturally, Walker can fly a plane, because we can all fly planes when the pilot takes a few bullets in the head. After a number of strafings, the fuq5rrel tank gets hit. There is fire. Walker (and his rug) decide to land in the river. Poof - he puts it down like Sully. Oops. It doesn't work that way, unless you're Sully. It woulda broken apart real nice. I know this from watching 20 seasons of Airport Crash Investigation. I can fly planes AND tell you why they crashed. Spoiler: Chuck, girlfriend(?), and rug all made it out safely. I apologized to the dog and muted the tv, so I could type this missive.

We visited our favorite upscale restaurant (Waffle House) for breakfast. There are NO Waffle Houses anywhere near the Philly area. You have to drive at least an hour to find one, making us very silly people (because you didn't know that already). It turned out to be a bit of a mistake because I had a small headache and the place sounded like they were slamming large stacks of dishes, all through the meal. I can't complain about the chocolate chip waffle, though.

On the way back, we stopped at their local Mart, until recently, the only place in the country you could still smoke in, while shopping. Apparently they replaced cancer sticks with dogs; we saw a lot of them. The world would be better if dogs were allowed everywhere. Anyway, this Mart used to be full of people whose eyes spent their time looking at each other. They graduated(?) and now it's full of people with green, blue, and hot pink hair. I can't tell you what the mean number of colored-hair people per mall is, but they were way over.  It is an unusual time when *I* look like the straight, uptight, suit and tie worker, by comparison.

I got dragged into some sort of natural store, with 7 shelves of 'local' honey. I asked Wife if their local honey was better than our local honey, an hour away. She attempted to explain, then I attempted to explain 'rhetorical' or 'joke'. But if I needed honey and went by myself, I would have been in Deep Doo-Doo. In this store, you do not buy honey, no sir. You buy different varieties of honey. As a man and a man who puts honey in tea twice a year, this was daunting. There was clover, wildflower, and buckwheat honey. There was blueberry, ketchup, and Brussels sprouts honey. I'd have to ask the lady where the honey was, then explain to her that I'd like the honey I'd buy in a supermarket. This would go into the rather large and growing Failure Pile. Fortunately, Wife knew exactly what she needed. 'Needed.'

Another store had military surplus. I had no idea why, but I had to see everything in the store. My favorite was the grenade pouches. I didn't buy any, because it turned out they didn't come with grenades. The same problem arose with the M-16 cleaning kit. They did have some fine Lithuanian army underwear, just not in my size.

It has just hit the shelves: the Mothers Live at the Fillmore '71 three cd box set, with extras, including the night John and Yoko joined them onstage. I had no choice - the money jumped out of my wallet before I could stop it. Review to follow.

We were pleasantly surprised to win a prize for the only people with their natural hair color. Unfortunately the prize was a carton of cigarettes. Generic cigarettes.

It's really nice when the universe lets us out.

lefty Law states one cannot pass a Dairy Queen without visiting. On the way in, Mrs. lefty says the next car over is pretty nice, and discovers it's a Tesla. "STAND BACK!" I said. "You never know when it will spontaneously combust." The only way it would have been better is if the owner was around.

Know what's mind-bending?

My nephew just hit legal age.

We were there the night he was born.

The other night, we saw our latin american friends, with their dog. I asked if the dog was bilingual, and they said she absolutely is - she understands Spanish and English. Especially if food is involved.

 

Woman Sues Over Delivery of Chocolate Penis With 'No Redeeming Qualities'

Sounds a bit subjective to me. Who decides what redeeming qualities of a penis are? I know a ton of women who would think it's quite redeeming, and a ton more who would simply get the joke. 

Let's take a moment to be really sad for her husband.

Flying AIDS News

What do we mean by ‘COVID-19 changes your brain’?

7 in 10 long COVID patients still battle memory and concentration problems

Why some Americans haven't gotten COVID yet and why it's not inevitable they ever will: Experts

Ivermectin Didn’t Reduce Covid-19 Hospitalizations in Largest Trial to Date

Please stop putting COVID-19 test solution in your eyes and nose, FDA says

Murky case for fourth doses now with FDA as protection wanes, BA.2 looms

Omicron vs Zero-Covid: How long can China hold on?

Tesla (Flying) News

We love us some Tesla. They could have their own blog, full of weekly entertainment stories. To be fair, this has nothing to do with Tesla flaws, unless you needed to prove it can't fly.

This week it's the guy in Los Angeles, whose parked car sustained damage, because someone rented a Tesla and sent it airborne. Video has apparently gone viral. I hope the Tesla renter had insurance. It seems Mr. Subaru didn't and has a GoFundMe (post GoFsckMe). There is a hunt to find the airborne driver. The hunt was very difficult, as the driver had already posted it on TikTok. I guess TikTok is the new Faceyspaces. What kind of education was missed, causing people to commit crimes and put video of them online? Brain aberration? Are we going to have to add this to the first grade curriculum? Maybe after do not steal.

The hunt for Nigerians who can change into cats

As if the Nigerians weren't bad enough, with their scamming, apparently many believe they can turn into cats. Bad juju. Maybe we should stop laughing at the Catholics. MeanI addedwhile, people are looking for others who can allegedly do this.

As it turns out, research shows Nigerians aren't the only ones with strange beliefs:

• Botswanans believe they can turn into the Dodo, which is good, as they're extinct
• Kiribatis believe they can turn into Elon Musk
• Slovakians believe they can turn into anything that isn't Slovenians
• Micronesians believe they can turn into Macronesians - the jury is still out
• North Macedonians believe they can turn into South Macedonians (studies show there is no South Macedonia)
• Guineans want you to know they can't turn into the pigs
• Kyrgyzstanians believe they can turn into something spellable
• Nigerans believe they can turn into anything that isn't spelled that way, for obvious reasons

How Oil and Gasoline Prices Actually Work

We're well over $4, California over $5.

Epson payments snafu leaves subscribers unable to print

Internet of Things Strikes Again

The moment you have to connect your device (printer, game box, fridge) to the net, something bad is going to happen.

So you have a nuclear power plant.

So there's a bit of a problem in your country.

So there's a shortage of nuclear power plant workers.

After about 600 Hours, 64 Workers at Ukraine's Chernobyl Nuclear Plant Finally Relieved

Worker1: Hey, is that a fuel rod over there?

Worker2: Nah, that's Bugs Bunny

Worker1: Are we being paid to operate Bugs Bunny? I forget.

Worker2: I think we're supposed to do stuff to make sure there's no Chernobyl

Worker3: How can we do that with the trains running through the control room?

Worker1: Those are not trains - they're bears escaped from zoo

Worker3: What do the dials say?

Worker1: They're singing Hendrix tunes. How do you think I'm staying awake?

Worker4: They say after 48 hours without sleep, you start to hallucinate

Worker1: Never happen. Not here. Were trained nuclear plant operators.

Worker2: Yeah, plus we could use that coffee to power the plant, instead of the fuel rods

Worker3: Hey, there are tanks out there. They look like ours. I don't generally hallucinate military stuff

Worker2: That's not a hallucination - they're bringing in replacements!!!

Worker1: No they're not - that's Mr. Freeze, The Riddler, and the Joker - all sworn enemies of Batman.

Worker3: Isn't he The Batman now? Where's Robin?

Worker2: Home - he's sore from too much sliding down the Batpole.

All: Ewwwwwwww 

Worker1: Wait - I think I see Batwoman

Worker3: Which one?

Worker1: Too far to tell; I hope it's Julie Newmar. Shall we let them in?

Worker3: What if she's only dressed like Batwoman and is evil?

Worker2: We can't afford to let them in. Too much danger. Are you crazy?

Worker1: Do you know we've been here 600 hours?

All:  UNLOCK THE DOORS

The Right Nipple Hall of Fame

 

Your love is like  post-shaving pimples

HIM: What would you like to drink?

HER: Mineral water, please.

HIM: Ok, Coke it is.

Today I identify as  a rubber chicken

One of the points of having a computer was for it to take the load, because it works much faster than you.

Well, it's supposed to.

It may be Wednesday, but the computer thinks it's Monday. It is less responsive on Monday than Joe Biden before Naptime. It took minutes to bring up Outlook. Forever to bring up Windows. And when it got close to up, Windows informed me it had to do an update.  It was all very hush-hush. It did allow me to schedule the update, which I found quite nice, and when I did, it told me NO. That's about right. Twenty minutes later, everything was at least up, when it told me it had to restart. Of course it had to restart. Windows' most consistent point is how it drives its users insane with updating, random rebooting, and refusal to act like an operating system. When someone is late for a meeting, they just say "I got Windowsed" and everybody understands. Many coworkers would rather stick their hands into a convenient electrical outlet than use Windows.

I know all about the speed of the internet, but for some reason, I was on Special Dialup Emulation mode. 300 baud.

After several days sick, being quiet and unbothered, I'm now screaming at the computer and Windows. First thing in the morning. I wonder if they should try using Windows instead of smelling salts.

I need to check my email, but there's still another ten minutes before it comes up. And when it comes up, rest assured it will come up FULL SCREEN, regardless of how you closed it, what you do to it, or if you use fresh chickens instead of store-bought ones. I hit the button to take it out of full screen, and it tells me what I think of Outlook anyway: Fails to Respond. I can actually grow my own coffee beans, roast them, grind them, and make all my coffee really fresh. I guess I shouldn't complain.

It got no better.

• When you're young, if you try to pick up a younger person, you're robbing the cradle.
• Jane Seymour is 70+. Today is Nancy Wilson's 68th birthday. Am I robbing the reaper?

After days of being sick, my body was revolting.

Let me rephrase that: my body revolted. It was upset about all that extra sleep I got and decreed that it would get no further sleep. I suspect this whole thing started after I tried getting more than four hours sleep per night.

It's incredibly nice outside again. People are walking around, looking up, waiting for the other shoe to hit them.

There was a shopping trip. The prices go up every time Putin sneezes, because of the gas prices. Still no yogurt.  I don't mean to bitch (yes I do), but that's 50% of my breakfast. Otherwise, if I eat too much fiber, the sewage system breaks and the city has to get involved (again). I had to pay for industrial teflon sewer lines out to the main line. You'd be shocked at how many local ordinances are put in place just because of me. Maybe not.

I keep trying to say I'm glad to be back to work and relative (ab)normalcy, but I'm not feeling it yet. Probably due to my weekly fight with Windows. It likes me only slightly less than I like it. I'm not sure my coworkers are aware I wasn't in or I'm back. They're a good bunch. Like purple grapes with that grotty white fungus growing on them.

Poor Mrs. lefty will need to sleep for a few days, after being on alert to tend to my sickness (physical). I don't like to be waited on, but once a year it's actually nice.

Flying AIDS News 

Fourth shot “is necessary” Pfizer CEO says as experts monitor BA.2

COVID cases are again on the rise globally as testing, health measures decline

Florida health official put on 2-month leave after urging staff to get vaccine

Covid: Why US students are staging walkouts over masks

COVID ups risks of dementia, cognitive impairment, and decline in older survivors

WHO Says It Advised Ukraine To Destroy Pathogens In Health Labs To Prevent Disease Spread

Moderna asking FDA for approval for 4th shot 

• The patchwork groups sharing gender-affirming underwear patterns
• I guess I'm secure enough in my manhood that I don't seek affirmation from my underwear 

Tesla has been quiet lately

Tesla hikes prices on all cars, with cheapest Model 3 now nearing $50K

But it's ok, for the extra money, the car has an even bigger chance of spontaneously exploding and hitting parked cars. For $20k extra, you can purchase the Pedestrian option, where the car will hit pedestrians instead of avoiding them.

Scientists claim hairy black holes explain Hawking paradox

I'll take "What does Niki Minaj have to do with Stephen Hawking?" for $500, Bob. 

• A study finds that the US has lost 57.6 trillion metric tons of soil due to agricultural practices.
• President Taxit has vowed $57.6 trillion to bail out farmers and has formed a task force to locate the missing soil.

There are a few things you simply do not want to hear from your spouse.

Number One: I've been thinking..

Number Two: I just changed pocketbooks and...

because it just means something got left behind, lost, or it will require more pocketbooks.

Campilobacter is NOT a food additive

Superbug-Infected Chicken Is Being Sold All Over the US

• A Fort Lauderdale active-killer training session states "that if you hear gunshots, you should “rapidly run away from the gunfire to seek a position of safety”
• It turns out that city employees were all running toward the gunfire and jumping on grenades.

Snoop Dog on tv?

You look surprised. It's all part of his plan.

To turn into a suburban middle-aged white guy.

Spam used to be so bad it almost killed email. Now the filters are incredible.

Except at work, where we prefer to generate our own. It's almost like they miss spam, so they needed to do something about it.

I hear more about National Whatsit Month than actual important mail from my own team.

• Come to an all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech.
• Results of the all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech (with attached Powerpoint presentation)
• [from team] We need to get on this
• Final Day of Elephants in Tech
• Final Thoughts on Elephants in Tech
• It's National Moth Month! Celebrate Moths in History!

So we stand highly educated on Elephants in Tech, and it makes Iqbal, my service elephant, very excited and he feels included. Unfortunately, it makes my real email hard to find and read. Hmm.... I wonder if the company is playing stupid and is trying to drive us away from email. Wow - it's sheer genius! Overload us with bullshit, eventually forcing us to ignore email completely. Wow. Just wow.

Unfortunately, we're not sure where they're pushing us. 

Meet the new boss.....

Dentist broke his patients’ teeth to make millions installing crowns, jury finds

Oh - I thought this was regular dentistry. 

Russian news network RT had its license revoked in the UK and is being thrown off networks worldwide. The really sad part of this is that I used to watch it now and then, long before the invasion, and there was a lot of truth there. One of the tricks in disinformation and misinformation is to leave some truth in. 

How a jetpack design helped create a flying motorbike

This will become fun when the flying cars start fighting with them...

Microsoft, everybody's best friend, will be retiring Internet Exploder 11 in June and replacing it with Edge (Chromium-based). This means Microsoft is seriously dropping its own faulty standard and making a new standard out of a Google product [Dr. Evil rubs his hands together and laughs... evilly].

 

Ubuntu changed its logo.

OHMIGOD - this is the greatest news since the war ended! Any war!

Nah, it's just my personal bugaboo. Style over substance. Some people seem more excited about the new wallpaper look in the new Ubuntu (or whatever) than any actual features. These are probably the same people who complain about ThermionicEmissions' colors blinding you. If you're going to complain, complain about the content. Heaven knows there's a lot to complain about.

I suppose it was inevitable... the Who are on their 43rd Final Tour, The Monkees can't tour, and I just got notice the Village People are touring. This is almost as bad as Robert Plant's man bun. I'm trying to remember an article I read about only one guy being original and the whole thing being his idea anyway. Gay men are still laughing at getting one over on the 'breeders' this time.

yeah, but who was photographing her?

Predicting the Future via Butt Pimples

Your love is like   Dayquil and Nyquil as meal replacements

Sad Realities 2022: Google rolling out Air Raid Alerts app for Ukraine

Today I identify as  sweaty sheets

HER: I feel bad for asking, but would you help me put this necklace on?

HIM: Don't feel bad, it makes me feel like I'm strangling you. I like it.

I just saw a picture of Robert Plant, with what can only be described as a sort of impotent man bun.

It really has me questioning many things about my life, loves, and goals.

Forward, Back, or left? 

We're very pleased around here that Mrs. lefty remembered the time change. My mom used to call and remind us, but that ain't happening again. Is this a female thing, cuz I certainly didn't know it. She went around the house, changing the clocks. Then she realized she changed them in the wrong direction, so she went around the house, changing the clocks again. The positive parts of this is that all the clocks that didn't get changed last time are now correct, like the car. Oh no, wait, I just fixed the car, so I'll have to re-fix it again.

Starve a cold? Feed a fever? Shovel the food in regardless? 

I felt weird(er) last night, and gave it some Serious Thought<tm>. Then I gave it some Serious Digital Thermometer. My temperature was either 94, 99.8, or 105 depending on where I took it.  I'm thinking this isn't acceptable, because Medicine tends to operate a bit more accurately. I have electronic test equipment like this; where one component will have three values, depending on which meter I use. I don't think it's helpful in either case. The following morning, it was several different readings also, so I called in the Big Guns: WIFE. Mothers and Wifes have a magic ability to get past several different readings and cut to the chase: "You've got a fever, oh yes, I'll get some aspirin." It makes me feel sorry for bachelors... they have to visit their mom or another woman to figure out if they have a temperature.

My medical knowledge can fit in the (non-existent) ashtray of a new car, but my understanding is that the body raises its temperature in order to kill the infection. If this is true, why do we take fever reducers?  I have a vague memory of not feeling well, going to the hospital, having my temp taken, and the nurse saying, "104, time to panic." Fortunately I was seeing things and in my own little universe, so I didn't truly grok the reality of rectally-installed aspirin. I'm just not that kinda guy.

Being some sort of sick ironically provides some relief, in chores and Stuff needed to be done round the house. I have an excuse for not doing things, as opposed to Fat and Lazy, which is my go-to. Obviously I have a job too. In another weird irony, I don't like to miss work, and will generally work until my head crashes down on the keyboard (from passing out or sheer boredom). If you remember, I have to be forced to take vacation days, or I lose them. I'm at my desk like Bernie Sanders is thinking of more 'free' things to 'give' people. If I take off, my boss gets worried, because he knows it must be serious. He figures I'll be there long after I retire and possibly after I die. So with 9,457 accumulated sick days, it's pretty much up to me. 

As best I can tell, I got sick out of spite, or to break up the boredom.

Next day: I heard my alarm go off, so it was Decision Time. Mrs. lefty said STAY HOME. I didn't want to go 'in' because I might get my team sick (we all work from home).

I have no idea what's happening, but I seem to be cycling between 'I'm feeling eh' and 'OMFG, every hair on my body hurts,'  We've all had days when it's been difficult getting up, but this puts an interesting twist on it.

ME: Ok, I need to get it together to call out sick.

Also ME: Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

HER: What did you do?

ME: Tried to open my eyes.

HER: It sounds awful.

ME: You probably want to leave - I have to try to get out of bed.

HER: What is that noise? It sounds like the radio. Do you have the radio on?

ME: You can hear that? That's each individual body hair, reporting in, in pain.

You know I have my phone set so nobody calls. It's a gift.

So naturally this morning, I became very popular. The Tree Guy wanted to come out to cut off some dead tree. I asked him to check on the dead area over my neck, but he said that would be another estimate. I told him to come on by, then spent then next 45 minutes trying to figure out how to get out of bed and leave his payment on the door. Fortunately Mrs. lefty was up and said she'd take care of it. Well, if she'd take care of it, why was *I* getting the calls? Come to think of it, she seems very excited when he comes out. I was too sick to care.

I think this guy uses lasers or something - the last time he took down two trees and I never heard him.

So it was back to bed.

RADIO: Arm hair #22476, pain

Back hair #43720, pain

Nose hair #77345, pain

ALL HAIL- we have a 90 degree turn to portward, sometime in the next 90 minutes.

This went on for half an hour.

I was up at the decent hour of 3pm, regardless of spring ahead, fall backward, or 'change the fscking clock.' I can tell the time is correct when 2 clocks match. This after all the hairs checked in again; I was on the Pain part of the cycle, but at least it only took an hour to get out of bed. The dog is sympathetic, or at least I think so. She's heavy-lidded, napping on her mommy's new pillow. It's not like I didn't take her to the vet when we suspected cancer.

I'm hungry. I can tell by my stomach, which gave up growling when I ignored it, and is now singing loudly. I think it's Joe Cocker. The problem here is that we're completely out of candy bars. We have lots of soup, but it has to be heated. This is not do-able, as it hurts to think of it. The dog is still refusing to heat anything for me. I'd go back to sleep, but the singing would keep me awake.

It's 4am, I'm sweaty, and I don't want to remain sleeping. I think I need a Coke (my needs are few and simple, not counting the guitars that cost more than my house). After only 45 minutes, I manage to haul myself out of bed, not even using the winch, or any of the other high-powered equipment in the bedroom, but now's not the time to go into that. My body hair is at only 50% hurting; I think this is a good omen. In the living room, all is normal at 5am: the dog is comfy and asleep on the couch, and the wife is 'cleaning'' like mad. When I say 'cleaning,' I mean something like a modified pinball game. You pull the lever, which launches the ball, which bangs around and goes DING a lot, all over the place. So if you took the balls and made them explode, leaving a lot of debris all over the place, you'd have her 'cleaning.'  Bathroom: DING, explosion, debris. Kitchen: DING, explosion, debris. Normal people would look at the procedure and say 'that's not cleaning - it's creating more dirt.' This is why they're normal people and don't live at lefty Manor. The dog can't take any more following her mommy all over the place, so she remains asleep. 

I got my Coke, and sat up for a bit. The tv was on, as it always is, and I was astounded at the lineup of alleged shows. It was so bad, my brain protected me by making me forget it. Mrs lefty continued her cleaning, this time leaving debris in the basement. I had noticed her eventually sitting on the couch, quickly followed by her falling forward and snoring on the couch. You can't fool me, so I suggested maybe she go to bed. She completely ignored me, so I knew everything was normal. This continued for an hour or so, then I went to bed. The doctors told me arguing will only raise my blood pressure, as Mrs. lefty does not observe many of the laws of physics. My favorite is when she goes to sleep with her head 4" above the pillow.

When my alarm went off, I was assured I still had a fever, but only 25% of my body hair hurt. I took this as a good sign, calling out of work another day. By 4pm, the next time I got up, my body hair didn't hurt at all. It only took me 30 minutes to plan and execute getting out of bed. I kept pulling at my body hair, trying to make it hurt, just in case, but it wouldn't. As my wife had finally made it to bed, after only 3 days of not sleeping, she snored. And when I say snored, I mean it sounded like there was heavy construction and tearing up the street in front of the house. She stopped, asked if I felt ok, and I asked to check my temperature. I'm not going to say she was tired, but she said ok, then fell asleep with her arm halfway to my forehead.

According to the wacky thermometer, my temperature was either 32, 98.5, or 98.6. I found out if you add them and take the square root, you have way too much time on your hands. As two of the results were pretty close, I was fever-less! So at 4pm, I finally had my morning coffee. The dog loves coffee, but smartly stayed in bed, where she is somehow able to ignore her mommy's use of heavy equipment.

To top it off, Mother Nature decided to get even with me by making the last two days absolutely beautiful. Walk around without a coat beautiful. To show you how glad I am to be getting over being sick, I almost look forward to taking out the trash. Slow down, lefty. As a warmup, I might put my shoes on and get the mail.

It should be interesting when Wife gets up, which could be any time within the next few days. It looks like while cleaning the fridge, the BANG happened, and the debris was a shelf, which spilled its contents onto the floor. Have you ever had a shelf expel its cold contents onto the floor, possibly throwing them at you? Half the powdered creamer is now on the floor, spelling out HELP ME. We now have purple silverware. And someone finally found my toothbrush. It tends to stray, but this time it got moved during cleaning and no one knew where. At least they took the cereal out of the fridge. When Wife finally wakes up, she's going to ask what happened and who made the mess. I think I need motion-sensitive cameras in the house.

I tried to keep my activity to a minimum, like I do every day, but this time I have a reason; not getting re-sick. So I only took the trash out and carried stuff all over the house. This might not have been a smart idea, like running a marathon without a leg. Here's another phrase you don't hear often: I can't wait to go to work tomorrow.

Cubist Anvils

 

Your love is like  little Bobby's snot collection

Russia just hit a Ukranian maternity hospital. As usual, examine claims carefully. Misinformation is all over the place.

Russia has taken over the abused Chernobyl nuclear plant, with radiation levels rising 20% around it. Russia also plans to take over a tie factory, a furniture outlet that is going out of business, and a McDonald's

Today I identify as  Gomez Addams

And then there's Existential Agita: wondering what it's all about and your place in it. After thinking about it for a while, I realized it all revolves around the dog. I pick up her toys and serve as a cushion or mattress for her. The other night, in a recliner, she jumped up, straightened out, plopped down, and went to sleep. I was just supposed to lay there, like a flounder, until she decided to stop laying there. And I did. Nobody ever said I was bright.

Musicians are hooking up synthesizers to plants for new sonic possibilities.

Also pants, tomatoes, folding chairs, and wives.

• This could make your brain explode, have you humming along, remain in your head for the rest of the day, or wonder why.

Britain to start approval process for Rolls-Royce mini nuclear reactor

Green energy, blah blah blah.

Well yes, it will lessen the need for fossil fuels, but.... ummm...  you still have to purchase and dispose of nuclear fuel. That doesn't seem to have been addressed.

Hey Bob, how's your reactor?

Great, Jim. Just gotta get a few new fuel rods.

Bob, I happen to have a few half-used. Would they be helpful?

Jim, you're my savior. All I have is a garage full of spent rods. I can't get anyone to come pick them up and take them to the disposal site.

Where is the disposal site?

You know, I don't know. I don't remember the sale paperwork mentioning it. Let me check... hmm.... startup.. wattage... ah, here we are - disposal. "You are on your own, sucker."

I vaguely remember there being a site in Yuma, Arizona.

Yuma? It cost me $25 to send a t-shirt to Detroit, and that was without the Special Nuclear Fallout Rate.

But still, we're not using fossil fuels and contributing to global warming.

Yeah, we can sure feel smug about that, yessir.

Scenario #2

Hey Bob, how's your reactor?

Same as yours, Jim. After getting rid of fossil-fuel generation, we can't get nuclear fuel because Homeland Security says it can be used for a dirty bomb.

Yeah, we kinda screwed the pooch on that one....

Hey, if your day isn't terror-filled enough, a species of 3" spider is invading the Southeastern US. View at your own peril...

• I Used Apple AirTags, Tiles and a GPS Tracker to Watch My Husband’s Every Move.
• This is fascinating on so many levels, including the possible misidentifications. The article was written with full knowledge of the husband. It should chill you.

Is Samsung the latest Android device maker throttling apps?

This is a weird story at this point. Why throttle apps at all? Interestingly, it does not throttle benchmarking apps, so the phone looks way speedier than it is.

Now that LG is out of the phone business (my last two phones were LG), android folks are at a bit of a disadvantage: last I looked you can have any phone you want, so long as it's a Samsung or Google. Samsung also has a reputation as the most data-stealing company out there, at least for tv. You have to agree or the tv won't work. I'm sure the phone isn't far behind. 

So there's no serious competition in the market. My provider keeps sending me deals on Samsung phones and I won't touch them. When it's time for a new phone, I'm in trouble.

• Happy Birthday to Mickey Dolenz and Robin Trower, both 77

I'm a curious guy, who needs to know how things work. 

At this moment, I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to know about the container of chocolate milk blocking the stinky soap in the bathroom. Ya know, I might let this one go. I'll just be thankful the chainsaw is no longer there and go about my day.

I spend days with the fond memory of my friend, who had a large, red Craftsmen air compressor in the living room. But it caused a problem, in that I could not possibly keep up with this sort of thing. I can't afford random large tools. I found a huge blue tube tester, which Wife was perfectly ok with, for the living room. Unfortunately it was too expensive. Price obviously is a consideration when decorating. The late 70s Camaro, oriented vertically in the dining room, is certainly a great talking piece, as are the dust rottweilers (do NOT get near them). I learned by experience not to put your battery-powered radio on top of the tube radio because the heat will do really nasty things to the batteries.

It's fscking snowing. Two days ago, I had to turn on a fan because it was ridiculously hot and stuffy. The next day, we went back to heaters. In Pennsylvania, we continue to set up a national telethon to raise money for a climate.

If I were an actual writer, I'd start out something like this.....  

When I awoke, I first got out of bed and looked out the window. It was gray outside. It is always gray outside. The catch is to figure out which of the 255 shades of gray it is. As I beheld Gray #42, I looked across at my departed neighbor's house. There was a lot of love for her, all over the neighborhood. Love was not solely from her neighbors - it was from the birds she fed, each with special bird food mixes. Her loss was a big one. As I looked over, I noticed the other night's storm knocked down a small piece of decorative wood from her fence. Normally this would have been fixed the next day. However, this just sat; a sad indicator of our loss.

Meanwhile, a branch fell off my tree and destroyed someone's fence.

This is why I'm not an actual writer.

No, really. Many bloggers consider themselves writers. You do not have to worry about that here at ThermionicEmissions.  I have no delusions. Well, no delusions of being a writer anyway. I'm barely a typer.

Ya know, it's not so easy being an olympic athlete like us: I compete in Napping, she competes in the 400' Wallet Losing race.

Sure, anybody can nap, but competitive napping is different entirely. 

I warm up for my naps. If my nap is at 5pm, I put myself on the couch, like Zen, starting at 4pm. Sometimes I prepare for my nap by napping, but only on work days. In the off season, I teach napping at the college level, but that doesn't mean I don't keep training.

Part of an athlete's performance is his tools. I happen to endorse Sleep Number mattresses, but only because it's a product I actually use. I have turned down endorsement deals with Nike, My Pillow sheets, and Holley Carburetors, because I don't use them. They are not integral to my performance. I had to explain this to Whirlpool refrigerators and Gutter Helmet too. Whirlpool got sneaky and teamed up with Yoo Hoo, claiming that a cold Yoo Hoo was necessary both before and after a nap. While this is sound logic, I don't have a Whirlpool fridge and won't whore myself out, like Shaq. Shaq is almost as rich as Lord Zuck and Bill Gates combined. He wipes his backside with $1,000 bills, but he takes any ad he can get. I have integrity and won't do that. I am curious, however, about what it's like to wipe with $1,000 bills, but I shan't know that. My friend has a bidet but I'm afraid to ride it.

As for Wife, losing a wallet is a deeply personal event, so I can't comment on every facet of her preparation. Obviously you have to start with a wallet. Starting in 2026, everybody will be given a standard wallet, which we believe is unfair. Every team, including the Russians, is on strike, because a wallet is a personal possession and it's just not the same with a standard wallet. The Russian team is not aware they have already been disqualified for lobbing explosives into other countries over whether or not there should be a change pouch on the wallet. The Ukranians claim that a change pouch will weigh down the wallet and make it more difficult to lose. They obviously don't know my wife. Ya know how you go into a newly-built home; all you see is walls and maybe a carpet? She could lose her wallet there. Her advantage is that she doesn't have to leave the home to lose her wallet, where every other country can only compete outside the house.  

The 2022 Olympics were scandalized when China thought the event was wallet-finding, and cheated with those little locator things for their iDevices. Asked for comment, China said, "No we didn't." After the judges showed the Chinese the little locator things, China said, "No we didn't."

Tools for wallet-losing are not as specific as for napping, but more diverse. Because of the diversity, Joe Biden had wallet-losing added to the Olympics. She prefers a house with one floor. Miscellaneous Stuff all over the place, in uniform piles. This makes it harder to lose things. Last year she broke an unofficial record, involving a wallet, altered mental status, the police, and the Happy Place<tm>. The wallet was eventually returned by a neighborhood ferret. She does not go easy on herself. Just yesterday, she lost her wallet twice in one day! She's ferocious in competition.

So we ask that you give generously to the Olympic associations, so these sports can continue to fund themselves with sofas and wallets.

• the other day I saw a horror book that was so bad, I couldn't pick it up
• Gardening for Everyone 

Some of the most bizarre search results come from Amazon. I needed a specific product, so I put in the name. I got 147 results, none including the name. I had to go through each search result to see if it was the correct one, and of course it wasn't. I only use Amazon when I can't find something elsewhere. They'll get by without my money.

• Speaking as an expert, or an eager consumer, the Ben & Jerry's flavor with Steven Colbert on it (vanilla with caramel and chocolate-covered cone bits) is just ok. We still prefer Karmel Sutra. Haagen Dazs vanilla bean too. That is all.

I've always joked about social influencers. No company has ever approached me to be an influencer (and who would blame them?). I definitely could not pull off Smug like they do. Then there's my few blog followers and the fact I haven't been on Twitter in a few years. Forgetting that, I wonder who'd contact me....

• Oscar Meyer bologna
• Bachman Cheese Jax
• Coke, San Pelligrino grapefruit drink
• ice cream
• Fender guitars
• definitely NOT Apple
• Apple's Thunderbolt cable is $159
• I have never swiped left or right

a truly motley crew. Yeah, it's probably better they don't contact me. I'm the anti-influencer. When I try a product, people stop using it.

• US Border Patrol finds dozens of snakes and reptiles in man's outfit
• Sir, why is your penis trying to escape your pants? 

NASA is just now opening a vacuum-sealed sample it took from the moon 50 years ago

NASA's new budget is around $24 billion and they have their best people on this.

Windows is Sucking More Than Usual Today

 

Your love is like  rat tomago

The results of the Pew poll that asked the American public its thoughts on how to address climate change are in. Americans are for it; they just don't want to do anything about it.

Today I identify as  a Magnum. Either the ice cream popsicle or the condom - you decide.

Yes, 25 minutes to 'update', reboot, and log into work. If the company ever stopped to total time lost to Windows rebooting and general Windows screwing around, they'd have a heart attack.

I noticed it behaves better when I don't try to use it.

My email settings are now stored in THE CLOUD. This indicates my employer has drank of the Kool Aid and bought the CLOUD Hype.

Sometimes I run Task Manager to see what's going on. This is an exercise in futility because even when I figure it out, I can't do anything about it. Perhaps I secretly like to frustrate myself.

Windows Installer is doing something. It's always doing something. It's a very sneaky part of Windows. And if/when it installs something, I'm positive it will require a reboot, most likely during an important meeting or function.

Windows: It's not an operating system, it's a virus 

• Microsoft suspends “all new sales of products and services in Russia”
• they're going about this in the wrong way... they need to sell MORE products to Russia. That should foul things up nicely.

Know what's fun? A couple hours of dirty sex.

But that's not why I'm typing this. 

A trip to the $5 and Below store. Due to inflation, the $1 stores have closed, so we go to $5 and Below, which is a misnomer, because there are $5 and above products. I'm a sucker for interesting tech gadgets and last time purchased a small tripod/holder for my phone in my office. You could bend it any way to make it work for you. It was a great purchase (I thought).

Naturally it could not end this way.

Something's always wrong and the Phone Tripod morphed. The rubber pad that holds 'phones of any size' slipped, turning the unit into a Phone Tripod and Launcher. It starts to slip and eventually launches the phone into the air. For reasons I can't explain, I caught it a few times. It's almost like a game now. I don't worry because it's the work phone iDevice. 

Last night I bought a different phone holder (because I like pain). This one had little suckers on it, like an octopus, without having to feed it. It could bend into places, which really sold it. I put the thing up, grabbed the phone, and while I was grabbing it, the device popped off and fell under the desk. Because I crave failure, I tried it again. This time it popped off and fell into a place that took 15 minutes to retrieve. It took me a while, but I finally realized that this store is where bad ideas go to die. 

You've all tried reading the phone in bed. It's a pain in the ass, and if you try a larger tablet, it's a pain in the arms. So the $5 store (and below) buys out the stock of this.... gadget. Picture a four foot bendy aluminum necklace with a phone holder on it. Are you still with me? You bend it so you can lay in bed, with one end around your neck and the other end with a phone one it, at someplace convenient. To make this a technical review: it sucks. Naturally I received two of them over the year.  It's a great idea in theory...

If you want an iDevice case, this is the place for you. Aisles of them. iDevice cables. I'm surprised they're not selling the phones.

Wife looked at some colored markers. I told her to read the fine print to see what their special power is. The markers she picked up were guaranteed to dry out and fail on the trip home. I have to be fair, though.... the sticker pack she got was 100% functional. Their candy section was unreal.

Speaking of candy, the place to invest for maximum gain used to be drugs. Then vintage guitars. Now I'm convinced it's Jelly Bellies. I have a bit of an addictive issue with the hot cinnamons. When we visited the factory, they were $8/lb. They're more now. President Taxit wants to prop up the jelly bean industry with a multi-trillion bill to be introduced this week. And I can't afford my hot cinnamons. Or even the regular red cinnamons. I signed up with Google to put ads on the blog, just so I could get jelly beans. Last year I got two. So no more ads.

• it's late, I'm tired. I sure hope that large fuzzy thing I saw was the dog

While I'm minding my own business at work in my office, Mrs. lefty is watching Toothless Bingo, aka daytime tv, specifically judge shows. I guess these are the  new Jerry Springer.  Heaven hep us.

War Report

• The Russians opened fire on the Zaporizhzhia nuclear plant.
• Hey, yeah, lets fire on a nuclear plant. What's the worst that can happen?

In other Russia news, they are blocking Faceyspaces.

Maybe they're not as stupid as we thought.

Ukrainian and Russian Pornhub Performers Protest the War

• It's early in 2022 and we still haven't removed 'game-changer' from the lexicon. It's never too early or too late.

Flying AIDS News

Here’s how kids’ COVID vaccines are holding up in the real world amid omicron

Documents Reveal Hundreds of Media Companies Including Conservative Media were Paid by Federal Government to Promote the COVID-19 Vaccines

U.S. far from normal with Covid deaths 10 times higher than seasonal respiratory viruses, report says

Florida health officials to recommend AGAINST vaccinating 'healthy' children

COVID can shrink the brain as much as a decade of aging, study finds

Kyiv psychologist suggests angry Ukranians take out their frustrations by building fire bombs

They can 'peacefully demonstrate', just like BLM!

I wonder if my insurance will cover this doc. I like what she has to say. My 'creativity' desires official psychological sanction.

The US Space Force plans to start patrolling the area around the Moon

• 1 Adam 12, see the man about Russian satellites buzzing his house
• .. check out reports of Chinese space junk headed your way
• ...reports of Iran's ships exceeding speed limit - pull them over and search for drugs

Space Force still has no justification that makes sense, unless you're a military contractor. Patrolling the Moon is just pushing Silly a little further. And we get to pay for it.

• AI model detects mental disorders based on web posts
• they tested it out on Twitter and the AI committed suicide 

Can we stop it already?

A man's son died after committing suicide, after an energy drink addiction. The man is calling for a total ban on energy drinks.

First, our sympathies on your loss, Sir.

Then, we should not ban a single thing because your son had a fatal problem with it. You claim it was an addiction. Fine, so is tobacco, alcohol, and gambling, none of which we have banned (or should we). People need to take responsibility for themselves, which is a non-concept today.

McDonald's and Coca-Cola boycott calls grow over Russia

People are upset because some companies haven't spoken on the invasion.

The Speech Police are out again. This time it's the Haven't Said Division. 

Nail me to a cross, but I'm not going to stop drinking Coke either way. Question: we want to hurt Putin, but do we want to hurt Russian citizens? Same principle for McDonald's, although I'm not likely to darken their doorstep regardless.

• I'm probably gonna regret this, but I was watching a documentary on pot and there was a guy holding a bud, pruning it with tiny scissors. 
• Why? Did it need a haircut? Were the other buds looking down on it? 

So it's International Women's Day.

Don't they rate a month?

Still no Left Handed History Month