This Title is for Sale

Your love is like  showering with your clothes on

 Well, isn't that nice. Something happened and Google ate all the content for this episode of ThermionicEmissions. I had no idea I had to save everything personally, in addition to Google auto-saving it. The ENTIRE entry. I can't even remember what's there, so I can't recreate it. POOF - it's gone. Thanks, Google.

In other fun Google news, they will be dropping Chrome support for Windows 7 and 8.1 soon. Time to get a new browser. And a new operating system. 

Today I identify as  John Wayne's rug

NASA's UFO study started the other day.

NASA is an organization responsible for tons and tons of hardware sent into space, as well as lives on the Space Station. Do you mean to tell me they have no idea what's flying around up there? Thus far, their job seems to be finding prosaic explanations for anything odd-looking in space. Now they're studying it. Congress is also studying it. We can't wait to see their conclusions.

NASA has known something since at least the Apollo Moon missions, when the astronauts told them there were 'things' down there as well as shadowing them. We're being bamboozled. Again.

Don't forget the well-known Air Force studies Project Sign, Project Grudge, and Project Blue Book, most of which were set up from the beginning to debunk UFOs. These studies ran from the late 1940s to 1969. The good cases were excluded from the study. So UFO studies are nothing new.

9-11 gave us Security Theater. NASA gives us UFO Theater.

President Biden just got Booster #27 and reminds everyone to get theirs. This one week after the president declared the pandemic over. 

Loath as I am to say anything bad (STOP LAUGHING), I'll point out the positive: Big Pharma made tons on it. The only issue they faced was making sure their accounting systems could handle the additional zeros. 

Speaking of guitars, I'm noticing an alarming trend in online sales: calling guitars I grew up with 'vintage.' This is incorrect and downright creepy.  Then I discovered music I grew up with on the classic rock station. There is only one possible conclusion: the world is out of sync with me. I suggest the world get its sync together to stop making me feel so....

Someone from out of state informed me that the Phillies were going to the playoffs.

"Yay," he said, dejectedly. Now the city is going to have to grease the light poles, which the fans will climb anyway. Sales of yahoo flags will go through the roof and start appearing on cars. Philly will have to import beer to avoid a catastrophic shortage. The trucks will be under armored guard. People will have a new greeting: "YEAH, FSCKING PHILS, man!" You will be expected to use it any time you talk to someone, lest you be thought of as being a fan of whatever other team is playing. If so, that's a beatin'. Parking will become quadruple, up from the normal triple-parking, especially on residential streets. 

Polio, as found in the New York city sewage system, will become a Philly issue, as fans piss all over everything between the game and subway, or homes. The homes around the stadiums will be empty for this reason, with all the owners flying to a tropical destination where it's not gloomy 6 days per week and the grass doesn't smell like urine. Whose brilliant idea was it to buy a house next to a stadium anyway? You say people used to not pee on your property? How nice for you. Since the Philly police are busy not dealing with other crimes, you're on your own. Have your ridiculously invasive Ring doorbells take video of the people peeing and put them up on YouTube. I can't decide if this would be embarrassing or encouraging for the urinators. Look - I'm YouTube famous! HEY - my dick is bigger than that!

After this is all done, the Phillies' management will take a page from the NFL and jack the prices through the roof. We already have the highest priced drinks in the NFL. Next is parking and ticket prices. The price will be determined by taking the fan's yearly salary and doubling it. You will no longer have to bring a Flying AIDS certificate to games - now it's a tax return.  Parking will be a bargain (if you live in New York City) and only require the deposit of a child or two. This will solve a fan dilemma of what to do with your child who doesn't like sports, or takes ballet lessons. It will become a very expensive babysitting service. If anybody gets caught selling unofficial merchandise, the government will have a strike force raid the place and seize all their merchandise, just like the NFL does. Baseball is long overdue for its own monopoly and the effort will start in Philly. Nah, I'm kidding - the prices of everything will rise and that's it. A badly-mixed imitation Coke will cost $15. Phillies Water, in a bottle with the Phillies logo, will be $75 ($25 for non-playoff games). World famous Philly soft pretzels will be $7.27, exact change required, mustard extra. In addition to the entrance fee, there will be an exit fee, a bathroom fee, a standing up and stretching fee, and a spilling beer on some innocent schlub fee. Philly had the first stadium with a court inside it for a reason. The court gave up prosecution for parking offenses, as the entire city is a parking offence. 

This is just Day One.

With Love - 

-the AntiSports

I knew it was going to happen, but I did it anyway.  Readers know that I have some control over the weather. So I put my office fan away. This guarantees warm weather for at least a few days. Thus far I haven't been able to do anything about the gloom and rain, but later today I'm going to try... "Gee, I sure wish it would be gray and rain for the next week." I will report back on the results.

As part of a centuries-old tradition, King Charles started his day with the sound of bagpipes at his home. Nobody really knows why. One suggestion is that it keeps kings from being in office too long. Either they go crazy from the bagpipes or their neighbors hang him.  Who says I can't do British humor?

Eric Weinberg: Scrubs producer and writer pleads not guilty to 18 counts of sexual assault

Great - another alleged asshole. Although I'd kinda like Sarah Chalke to sexually assault me. Perhaps with her mammalian protuberances.

I insist we remain neutral in Russia's aggression upon Ukraine. However, Russia sent a missile into space to destroy one of their old satellites to prove they could. It caused so much debris that the Space Shuttle has had to move around it yet again. This might be a bomb-able offense.  Nah, don't hurt any innocent citizens - surgically strike Putin. He is fond of poisoning; why not poison him? This is yet another reason why I'm not president. 

Are you feeling pretty ok today? Let me fix that: An Indonesian woman's body was found intact inside a python. The 16' (27 grams Canadian) snake was dispatched and the body was found. Apparently after a certain size, rats aren't worth the calories for snakes.

People like to sound intelligent by saying they think outside of the box. I frequently get told to think inside the box. The problem here is that we never got the box. It was supposed to be delivered by USPS and you know what happens when USPS is involved.... their latest cost-saving idea is to officially not deliver 33% of the packages. This will be a change in name only, giving official acknowledgement to their unofficial policy of not delivering (at least) a third of their packages.

Darrell Brooks, the Waukesha Wonder, was found guilty on all 76 counts. The jury deliberated for 2:47 hours, which is 2:46 longer than thought. Brooks was dejected. One wonders if he thought representing himself was going to bring about not guilty verdicts. The scheduling of the penalty phase is coming up. With the number of people speaking about the impact, this phase is expected to last until 2025. The parade will go on this year, but no one wants to drive. Batons will have rearview mirrors, as will tubas. The Dancing Grannies will be accompanied by the Wisconsin National Guard. Picking up the rear will be OJ Simpson, looking for the people who murdered his ex-wife and her boyfriend. In his closing, Brooks blamed God. As far as I know, He wasn't driving.

I always want to know why. Why did that kid shoot up a school? Why did this guy mow people down at a parade? We (relatively) sane people need answers because we can't imagine doing something like this. Some of us can't imagine getting caught doing something like this.

Friday is usually a slower day at work. It gives us time to catch up from the week. 

Until....

ring ring----

They towed the car

ARE YOU OK?

It wasn't an accident - it had something to do with paperwork.

Oh.

They had PLATE READERS.

Fscking Security State.

Tell me about it.

Philly has over 50% uninsured drivers, but you're the criminal.

I'll get a ride.

------------------------------

30 minutes later

%&#*%) I can't get an Uber, under, cab, or much else.

That's odd. I'll rent a car.

------------------------------

30 minutes later

I got a car, but they're not picking me up for a few hours.

Dammit. Guess I'll wait. The convenience store told me to go away or they'll call the police for loitering.

Oh, the humanity.

-------------------------------

2 hours later

I called Renterprise to ask if we were still on.

Absolutely!

Uh, ok, my only question is why weren't you here half an hour ago to pick me up?

OH, we were supposed to pick you up? I don't have that on the sheet.  (yes you do, we discussed it earlier). We'll be right there.

To be fair, they got me in and out in short order. So short I almost missed the financial bit: they take the entire fee out of my account, plus an amount not to exceed, but be double the fee amount, for a security deposit. It is supposed to be refunded. I'm sure it will (after much bitching and candle-lighting and dead chickens).

Renterprise feels like a huge used car lot, with only 2 cars for rent (or sale). You feel like you have to take a shower after you talk to them. 

I'm zooming down the highway, full of adrenaline, to rescue my bride. Her ass has been on cold concrete for 4 hours. She can barely move. At least she got food from the convenience store before they told her to GTFO.

-------------------------------

30 minutes later

Ok, I'm Down South. Do I get off the same exit as we use for Cindy's apartment?

Apartment or house?

Apartment. The one we always use.

You will see a Springfield exit. Go to the next Springfield exit.

Of course there are 2 Springfield exits. The road planning committee ate the brown acid.

Get off the 2nd Springfield exit and make a left.

You mean like we always do?

Yes. 

Like I said in the first place?

Huh?

Who's on First?

Huh?

And where do I find you?

There's a convenience store across from a gas station.

So the convenience store will be on my right?

No, it will be on your left.

Then the gas station will be on my right?

Yes. No.

Take your time - the questions get harder.

---------------------------------

30 minutes later  (when rescuing a spouse, time moves in 30 minute increments)

ring ring... I am at Cindy's road and haven't seen a convenience store or gas station yet.

You went too far.

How could I go too far if I haven't seen the store yet?

Did I say you have to go left? I meant right.

Oh. Left, right, no matter. They're only directions.

Make the right and I'm a few blocks up.

I can do that.

ring ring I'm at a convenience store but you aren't.

Is there a gas station across the street?

No.

Then I'm not there. Keep going.

ring ring I'm at another convenience store and I've gone more than a few blocks.

You've gone TOO FAR.

You've had me on both sides of the highway and I can't find you.

Wait... the map says you're 1.5 miles away. Or 12 miles.  

Is it having trouble making up its mind?

OH. I'm not where I thought I am. 

Will I have to drive up and down a different street for a few miles?

OK, you just need to turn on Main Street and I'll be there. 

Where is Main Street?

I AM GOING TO KILL THIS PHONE. YOU FIND IT. The battery is going into the red. BYE.

Oh.

I find myself in a McDonald's parking lot. This hasn't happened to me in 20 years (McDonald's, not a parking lot). 

The first thing I notice is while talking to her, my phone told me I can't access data while I'm on the phone. Gee, I could access it 3 weeks ago. Now is not the time to call Purrrizon and share my most intimate feelings with them about this.

The second thing is a creeping terror at being asked to locate something. I have a wife for locating things. One with a non locked down phone. My phone is locked down tighter than the nuke codes. It's locked down so tight, it can't even tell where it is, no less Google. Google can't tell it's a phone. The location is turned off and welded in place. Plus I can't find my way... out of a parking lot.

So I'm sitting in the rental, screaming, cursing, launching the phone, screaming because I can't find the inside lights, trying to remember the name of that divorce lawyer, and screaming. The people outside the car gave me a 9.7 overall and a 5 for style. I thought the 5 was unfair - I never got that high before. I have no style. Or life.

30 minutes later

I found it! The directions are pretty simple. I just take the 3rd Springfield exit.

Them was some happy, cold, sore-assed folks that got into the car.

So all I need to do is pay the Police fine, Police Pizza Fund fine, Plate Reader Purchase fine, County Accent Correction fine, and the Give Us Money fine and we'll be... fine. The stack of tickets is higher than the car (ours or the rental) and the total fine makes the mortgage company jealous. 

UPDATE 

A local tag place straightened out every facet of our paperwork issues, reasonably and immediately.

As a libertarian, I don't want to live in a world where the state can TAKE your car. I hope I'm smart enough not to argue this point with them.

They Told Me to Go with My Strengths - So I Nap

Your love is like   fighting with small town cops

Does anyone else have to ask occasionally why their glasses are covered in what looks like hot chocolate residue, or is it just me?

Today I identify as  paste. Yummy white paste.

Kenny Wayne Shepherd is touring and I'd really like to get tickets (assuming the evil Ticketmaster is not involved). We last saw him on an Experience Hendrix tour. Come to think of it, we saw a lot of him that night. It took a while to figure it out, but we were in the first row and he was looking down Mrs. lefty's shirt. I figure we should get free tickets for that. First row, obviously.

I had a very tiny coworker once. Probably more than once, but I'm thinking of a specific tiny coworker. She was small, as were her mammalian protuberances. Yet somehow, through the magic of Victoria's Secret, she had cleavage. I wanted to do the science on this and find out how exactly she managed this, but remembered Wife's strict No Dating policy also covered being naked at the same time in the same place. She's very thorough. Besides that, I hadn't yet gotten permission to proceed with the science, from the actual object of my scientific curiosity. Sometimes people don't understand scientific curiosity and mistake it for something else. Like sexual assault. I swear that will never happen to me. Again.

Biden is viewed as a drag on Democratic midterm hopes

This would be the same Biden who was the best of the democratic field in the presidential race? 

Amid losses, Uber driven to become advertising network

I can't see the downside. Maybe the driver is less likely to assault you if he's watching ads.

Also: Uber is delivering pot in Canada. Driver will have to come to your door to assault (or kill) you. Share a smoke and everybody's happy.

 

Ancient DNA unveils Siberian Neandertals’ small-scale social lives

They didn't even have Faceyspaces. Small wonder they died out. 

 

Amazon's Jeff Bezos warned about upcoming bad times with the economy.

What Jeff Bezos missed is the yearly cost of Amazon's attrition. It's $8 billion, out of $33.36 billion income. I am no economist and don't know much about business, but if Amazon stopped having warehouse fires as a hobby and treated their employees better than cockroaches, that $8 billion figure could be reduced significantly.

You'd think with insight like this, I would be making Big Bucks in corporate America. Such vision!
But corporate America wouldn't have me - no way, no sir. I'll show them - hahahahaha!

 It's fun when you order something and they give you route tracking information. It's great for the people with OCD, who can check it religiously throughout the day. I ordered something the other day, which shipped from one state away. This obviously meant it would take weeks to arrive. Today, for fun, I checked the tracking info. Remember... one state away. The box had gone on a tour of its home state, stopping every 25 miles or so. The map clearly pointed out where it stopped and if it was logged in, where it had lunch, and was the warehouse on fire when it arrived. Way up top, in a very large area you'd expect was for testing of the Emergency Webcasting System, was a date. I figured out this was the expected arrival date, 5 days in the future. I had to figure this out, because there was no indication of what it was, except a date. Maybe they just like to throw a random date up there... I never understood the world of business. Remember... one state away.

Since the box wasn't going to arrive today, I put it out of my mind. This is because my mind would otherwise have two things to handle at once, and it's not really very good with one thing. One state away.

Wife walks to the door and the box had already been delivered. I've been lied to.

• Maybe the date is random after all.
• maybe it only updates once a week, meaning you'll never actually be able to track your package
• maybe they just like to give you a very long delivery time, when they know it will arrive within a day or two. It makes everything a surprise and then everything smells like flowers. Until your dog gets into the cat box. Again. 
• the sudden peace you get is the realization that package tracking is almost as accurate as weather forecasting.

Multispectral imaging is a method that takes visible images in blue, green, and red and combines them with an infrared image and an X-ray image of an object. This can reveal minute hints of pigment, as well as hidden drawings or writings underneath various layers of paint or ink. For instance, researchers have previously used the technique to reveal hidden text on four Dead Sea Scroll fragments previously believed to be blank.

Ain't science grand?

History, however, has taken a bit of a beating, when the Dead Sea Scrolls were found to be written on top of some sort of stick-figure pr0n. All of DaVinci's technical drawings were originally boobies. While wandering the desert, Moses liked to take food orders, like a waitress. So the Ten Commandments..... let's just say there was a lot of corned beef involved.

A 19-year-old university student in Philadelphia had a surprising firsthand encounter with a rare tropical black fungus, which was found sprouting into a large, dark circle in the palm of her hand. Her case was reported today in the New England Journal of Medicine

What researchers don't know is that Philadelphia *is* a rare tropical black fungus. 

 The Waukesha Christmas Parade Massacre trial continues, with Derrell Brooks representing himself. He finally started presenting his defense, with many tears. It looks like he's going with "I did it, and I am very sorry, but I was really upset after fighting with my girlfriend." It's a defense everybody knows.  Meanwhile, the parade will go on this year, although the ad for Driver to Mow Down has gone unanswered as yet. The poor judge deserves a medal for patience exhibited with Mr. Brooks, who is not a lawyer and has only seen one on tv. Brooks' first witness was disallowed by the judge, ruling that he could not call The State of Wisconsin. If nothing else, the courtroom doesn't have the space for it. Texas wants to appear too, but mostly to see itself on tv. President Biden wants the United States to be called, but requires a 25% raise in taxes to fund it. 

After the shock of losing a Prime Minister, 44 days into her term, England needs to find a replacement. Suggestions so far:

• the Spice Girls
• Vlad "The Impaler" Putin
• Margaret Thatcher
• 12,437 overweight household pets, all named Max
• Jimmy Page's end table
• Elizabeth Hurley's naughty bits
• a rare tropical black fungus, also called Max

If King Chuck decides he doesn't want the post, there must be an alternate suggestion. All of England was polled and there was just one overwhelming choice: Not Meghan.

News of Truss' departure flew around the world rapidly, and drew comments...

• She made me look good  - Emanuel Macron (France)
• She was a bit dowdy so I let her borrow some of my dresses to work on her fashion sense   -Justin Trudeau (Canada)
• I know she's a woman, but can't she be more diverse?  -Kamila Harris (Somalia)
• No I don't need a truss  -Joe Biden
• HA - now I don't look so bad, do I?   -Boris Johnson
• She's not Jewish, is she?   -UC Berkeley

Greta Thunberg: I don't want to go into politics

Ok, guys, who's going to be the one to tell her?

After the shooting, police in Uvalde say they hope to regain the community's trust by working with the school district to improve communication in future.

I'm no expert on police procedure, but they might want to look into not waiting 77 minutes before doing anything.

EU’s USB-C mandate approval puts pressure on Apple to replace Lightning port

OMFG - Someone just bombed Europe!

Russians?

No, Apple.

Dear lefty  

I eat my donuts one bite at a time.

My wife only eats the cream from inside or the icing from the top.

Which way is the right way?

   -cloudy in PA

Dear Numbnuts:

Your marriage has deep faults. Get some counseling while you still can.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike is a fun little enterprise. It started like every other turnpike, just going along, minding its own business, with occasional fare hikes, and strange people in the booths, collecting tolls. After finding out they could get away with it, tolls were raised every quarter, or weekly, whichever came first. Then, in a great cost-saving measure, they fired all the toll collectors and implemented a picture-taking and EZ-Pass system. "With No notice, no complaints", is their motto. Now people are starting to realize what they're paying the state for, with no improvement in the toll roads. We barely leave the house, yet routinely get $85 charges. They look real but nobody seems to know, especially actual turnpike employees, if you can locate one. You must pay online, via EZ-Pass or Picture of Your Plate so we can Keep Track of You (both have the same result and toll takers are still out of work). The charges are Net 15, so by the time you get your bill, it's already in collections. Then there's a Collection Fee. Plus you might be invoiced for tolls that haven't been billed yet. No one knows what this means, but no one dares question it, lest the toll booth quarantine your car for non-payment and you have to walk the 20 miles home, unless you can call the dog to pick you up. 

Although they haven't been implemented yet, the greedy bastards at the government level are ready to bring in a Supply Chain Issue charge, as well as an Inflation Charge, plus the Recession Charge. They are now collecting enough money to build several alternative turnpikes, to alleviate the ridiculous amount of traffic on roads built for the 1940s. Are they going to build or improve the Turnpike? Hell no - they have many more important 'pet projects' to see to, like the Flower Fund, which sends flowers to their spouses weekly. The Vacation Fund, which pays for monthly vacations. The Special Vacation Fund, which covers monthly vacations with somebody else's spouse. Everybody gets a new car yearly, except the toll takers, who remain fired. 

But wait - There Are Notices:

• Maryland just figured out that Pennsylvanians used their roads starting 13 months ago and passed the charges along to PA in bulk. So if you see $1200 or higher charges, don't worry - it's just Maryland - unaware that they connect to other turnpikes and need to bill accordingly.
• If you have any questions about Maryland toll charges, call Maryland. Good luck.
• The New York State Thruway just realized it had a toll increase in 2021 and want their money NOW. If you have a problem, good luck widdat. They do more road construction and you could find yourself part of the thruway system, in a rather uncomfortable (and final) way.
• If you have EZ-Pass and are stupid enough not to follow the directions for where to mount it (shove it up your..), there is an expanded set of fees.
• This is all before I start to make stuff up.

In my time-honored practice of shooting myself in both feet, I go out of my way to avoid driving on the Turnpike. Aside from my other objections, I can't afford it.

Anna May Wong: Actress becomes first Asian American on US currency

Because it worked out so well for Susan B. Anthony 

Nothing is immune to the SJW virus. 

------> Still no Left Handed History and Appreciation Month.

 

Speraking of my Ticketmaster Travails, the bass player from Blink-182 tried to buy tickets to his own concert. He didn't have as much trouble as me, but the prices shocked him. This is the reason. Can you say monopoly? I knew you could.

Note: the guitar player from Blink-182 has rejoined the band. He took off to go to hearings on UFOs and try to get some serious Congressional action. I could have told him it wasn't going to work. Maybe he just needed a vacation from being a rock star.

I'm on the Zero G Network

 

Your love is like   old open canned tuna

Yes, the Zero G Network: just like the 5G network, but with 5 less Gs.

Today I identify as  my dog

Pfizer today announced 'many Omicron variants' are really 'sneaky' and are ganging up to hit this winter. They suggest a very long and expensive course of vaccines.

President Biden heard the plight of Nicolas Cruz, the Parkland shooter. His attorney fees are in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. The president gave him a few million to make sure the poor lawyers wouldn't suffer while Cruz was languishing in prison forever. The president stated that suffering lawyers are bad for the entire legal system and we can't have that sort of thing going on in these United States.

Meanwhile, VP Kamila Harris vowed that Biden's few million dollars would go to black attorneys first. After the Secret Service tackled her (again), it was announced that the money would go to everyone equally, even if they couldn't find any black or minority lawyers in the crowd. UC Berkeley was incensed, voting to take off the rest of the week, and burning down a few of their own buildings. Firemen stated there were no Jews in the building when it was burned. UCB grumbled.

Speaking of the Parkland trial, I have never seen such vehemence after a verdict came back. Cruz got life in prison. The entire observing area wanted death. Now, if possible. It was stunning.

My mom used to tell me she didn't understand people wearing jackets and shorts. She made a very good point. I countered with hip guys wearing wool hats in the summer. 

Sign at Jiffy Lube: Gluten-free oil - get it now before it's gone

As I have mentioned here, a man I truly respect is Ben Franklin. The intelligence, the wit, the playing around on 2 continents (ssssshhhhhhhh). As if his actions weren't enough, he left a ton of wise sayings. I want to leave wise sayings as part of my legacy. Let's see how I'm doing, vs Ben...

“He that lies down with Dogs, shall rise up with fleas.”

My dog has an air mattress. Mine.

“Better slip with foot than tongue.”

My feet look like Swiss cheese from shooting myself in them.

“Well done is better than well said.”

I have no filters. I lost them in a tragic accident when I was little.

“What you seem to be, be really.”

Sometimes I'm a real asshole.

“Pardoning the Bad, is injuring the Good.”

Line em up and shoot em 

“Hide not your Talents, they for Use were made. What’s a Sun-Dial in the shade!”

It's never sunny in Philadelphia 

“It is better to take many Injuries than to give one.”

Yeah, I'm goin right to hell...

Here are some more. Guess which one of us said the following:

Crackers and dip are set up on a quantum level to never be in the house at the same time. Even if you bought them at the same time. 

I don't even like sour cream, but if you mix in some French onion dip, I'll eat it with a spoon.

The great thing about being an (alleged) adult is you can have as many Yoo Hoo juice boxes as you want at a time.

If I see one more Joe Namath Medicare commercial, I will not be responsible for my actions.

I want to touch Linda Fiorentino in her bad place.

My favorite:

“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

I truly wish I didn't have to repeat it so often....

Perhaps I should leave something other than my sayings for posterity.....

Well, that was a waste.... 

The season was ending, the last hamfest was upon us. A hamfest has nothing to do with edible quantities - it's a flea market for radios and electronics. We go because.... because... well, I don't know, but we go to local ones. Perhaps I like to see electronic parts in little bins. Perhaps I feel nostalgic for Radio Shack. Perhaps because the neighbors are terrified to find out I still exist. So after a hard-earned 3 hours' sleep, off we went. 

They moved the location. I didn't expect this to be a problem, unless they moved it off-planet or worse, out of state, but I got handy dandy directions from their website.  I'm not a webmaster, but you'd think a large event would merit findable directions. But like I said, I'm not a webmaster (HEY JOHNNY: hamfest is coming - make sure to hide the directions under nonprofit status or something). I just merrily click away until I beat them at their own game.

We got pretty close to the place. I think. Ever get to one of those signs that make you feel like an idiot? The one that says "Route 37" and has a slightly turned arrow? There are 4 possible turns, none of which seem to be indicated by the sign, one of which is a 180 degree turn. So you pick the first one and go merrily down the lane, only realizing it's the wrong street when the guy with the tractor is blocking the road. There's red spots on the tractor from when he mowed down the henhouse. I don't need no map to tell me this is NOT the right way. Also, the lack of Route 37 signs was a dead giveaway. So we went back to try yet another possibility to the Great Turning Enigma. Did you know Albert Einstein came up with the Theory of Relativity after coming to one of these intersections? Fortunately someone else was driving. 

After much hilarity, we finally figured out that the cleverly-placed sign meant to tell us to Keep Moving Forward, we were just merging with Route 37. Oh. The Town Council is still laughing about that sign. They put up a camera to document the hilarity. At the town Christmas party, they view the top 10 and give awards for Worst Turn, Worst Panic, and Best Argument in the Car (alone or with other occupant).

Civilization was upon us. We figured this out by the lack of tractors and the presence of businesses and actual houses. It was an exciting time, let me tell you. Right up until the houses and businesses started to disappear and the fields started to get bigger. We shook our heads and pulled into a convenient Adult World convenience store to regroup and be all modern with our electronic devices. Wife has a 50-50 relationship with her phone, in that she can sometimes get what she wants out of it. Unless I'm within 50" of the phone.  She does well with getting directions out of it. Unless I'm in the car too. My phone is of precious little help, as it's locked down for nuclear war: even Google can't tell it's a phone (sometimes I can't either). The event was at a community college. No problem - even one of OUR phones will bring up a community college. Whoops, strike that. It will bring up a community college, but not if there is more than one campus. The phone desperately wanted to give up directions to the one closest to our house, 40 miles in the opposite direction. It's a good thing we were out in the hinterlands, as it doesn't look good, arguing with your phone in public. My somewhat stilted brain remembered something from the ancient past (5 years ago); "Hey, don't we have one of those GPS thingies?"  Ah yes, my arch enemy. The case had all sorts of scratches and dents from being lobbed around the car. The box that wanted to send us into the river, rather than an address. The box that only accepted every third keypress, that wouldn't even work right with a stylus. THAT box. Garmin will rot in hell for that box. It was the singular reason I had to go on blood pressure medicine that year. The doctors have no idea how I recovered so quickly, but it coincided with finally smashing the GPS to death one day, after it suggested we fly instead.

So the new GPS came out. I was praying to the GPS gods that this one was more friendly and less 'special.'  And sure enough, it pointed to the college near the house. I didn't want to be the one to tell it that we weren't AT the house, even though any GPS that hadn't spent the weekend with Keith Richards should know this. Eventually I pursuaded it that it was NOT at home and POOF - it 'discovered' there was another branch of the college, 2.3 miles away!  Ah, the GPS gods were smiling on me. This one did not need to go airborne, like the last two or three. I made the mistake of bringing the target up, at which point it asked me if I wanted to add it to our route, add it to next year's route, or select a route involving a river. Rather than blast a hole through the non-existent sunroof, I gave it to Wife. She's the GPS Whisperer, you know. My decision was fortuitous, because within 1.5 seconds, she had erased the location and the device thought it was home again. My eyeballs were spinning like a slot machine, then looking at each other, like a bad set of breast implants. Not to be deterred, Wife said the college was 40 miles away. 3 hours' sleep. I told her I knew of 4 diners on the way home, not requiring a GPS. I put the blasted device in the window and kept trying to close the window, but alas, the window would not break the device. Garmin has a very special business model: sell black boxes with pretty displays that don't do anything. Then get people to buy the new black boxes that don't do anything. And make sure you keep them updated, but you need a Windows computer to do this (fsckers). It also turns out that, in a clever design update, you cannot damage the box by repeatedly running over it. The car just glides over it. Just wait till I get home and break out the e$plosives. 

So I figured I'd catch up on some sleep, 3 hours being insufficient, even for me. Oops, too much coffee, in an attempt to counteract 3 hours' sleep. Can't nap. Meanwhile, Wife figured she'd catch up on her shoping. DSW wasn't open, nor were her other 47 favorite shoe stores. She was so upset, she went food shopping. Or rather, tried to go food shopping. One store had a line for parking. Another hurt her back walking to the door of the place. The third was even more affected by Supply Chain Inflationary Shortages, and while you could park, you couldn't get into the place. I'm glad I stayed home and stared into space for a few hours - the guitar stores didn't open until way later. 

When everybody was seated in their spots, I suddenly realized I was hungry. I didn't think of it before, but my stomach was kind enough to let me know, via playing the theme from the Godfather. Wife's was playing counterpoint. The only problem here was she was a bit tired. How did I know? Even with her stomach playing a song, she kept falling over to the floor. We had to have the floor cushioned because of this. We used very stiff, springy material, so she'd bounce back up to her seat, never knowing anything was wrong. You should see her drive when this happens! I suggested maybe a nap was in order (I'm very clever this way), then we could have breakfast/lunch/dinner. Wife put me on a diet, only I didn't know it (she's very clever this way). She took a short nap, resting for the rest of the day. I didn't make dinner, hence didn't eat. But the joke was on her... remember those boxes of donuts? The crumbs were very good, the plain sucked (as usual), but the chocolate-drenched were my favorites. 

On my deathbed, the only regret I will have is waking up on this day.

Drug abuse is killing more children lately. It's fentanyl, which is deadly.

The Mexican cartels are sending it north and the kids, as kids do, are taking it. And sometimes dying. Schools are urged to carry Narcan (reverses the effects of opioids) and some are urging students to carry it in their backpacks. Is this the 2022 equivalent of carrying condoms? Hey Bob - you're turning blue. Can you hear me? Let me stick this up your nose - it could save your life. Things were better at Woodstock, where people were warned not to try the brown acid. It might give you a bad trip, but it wouldn't kill you.

Google search crashes when you ask "How many emojis on Apple"

This is an easy one. Don't use Google, emojis, or Apples. I'm already there.

US Army soldiers felt ill while testing Microsoft’s HoloLens-based headset

This is the same device that takes a scan of your iris when you put it on.

Why? In the case of Meta, for targeted ads.

US Officials are Discussing How to Regulate Cryptocurrencies and Stablecoins

Told you so. They were salivating to get their hands on it. Now it's not an if - it's a how to regulate.

Just $10 to create an AI chatbot of a dead loved one

Ooh, if that ain't creepy, what IS? If you thought you had grief problems before, you just wait til you hear THIS! And no, insurance will not cover it.

Fresh from being banned from Twitter for antisemitic rants, Kanye bought Parler, a free speech, conservative platform that wasn't doing so well. Now he can rant about the Jews til something smashes into Earth, destroying it completely. Unfortunately, not many will get to read his rants, before or after the planet dies. You have to wonder what else he'll say.... don't forget - not everything he says is untrue or offensive or plain stupid.

• WASPs worship Satan
• Black people may be Jews so most of em aren't worth shit anyway
• hot dogs are health food
• See - I was right about Trump
• I dumped Kim because I was tired of the spotlight (and her butt was the size of a city block, proportionally)
• the voices are mad at me for taking medicine to make them go away

UC Berkeley came out in support of Kanye, closing the campus for a week. In their press release, it said, "We're with Kanye, especially if what he says is about the Jews and Zionism. Or just the Jews... we can't tell the difference anyway." So far, the UCB has spent 2 days in the classroom this year, and that was to protest having to be in class for 2 days.

Kanye was diagnosed bipolar, which can explain some of this. Or he could just be an asshole, which would also explain this. Kanye is not one of the fun bipolars. Patty Duke Astin would jump on a plane and shop til she dropped in another city. Mrs. lefty would go shopping at 2am.

• if you use the word "hawt," I don't want to know you

The country of Kenya wishes you to know that they are not, in any way, Kanye. A press release is planned for the dyslexic.

UC Berkeley, not quite knowing what to do with this, went on strike (their default), "out of an abundance of caution".

WARNING: Although it is very difficult, especially before coffee, pay attention to your creamer. If you don't, you might get your spouse's pumpkin spice. Or coconut creme. Is this the kind of morning you want? 

Scientists and the Military Want Us to Eat Food Made From Plastic

• Bill Gates wants us to eat food made from cyanide.
• the government wants us to eat food they can tax
• Kanye wants us to eat Soylent Blue, which is made from Jews

 

Study links coronavirus lockdowns to birth rate drop in Europe

Europe - you're doing it wrong. 

Another study showed a rise in American births. 

NYC Congressional Candidate Releases and Stars in Porn Video For Some Reason

We all like original ideas, but this guy might've gone a little too far. Just a bit. Just a hair over the line. The hill upon which he has chosen to die is full of termites and hollow underneath. Although in NYC, this is but a blip on the electoral radar. He should have been filmed being nice to people on the street. That would cause a ruckus.

 

Alaska Canceled Snow Crab Season for the First Time Ever Because All the Crabs Are Gone

ThermionicEmissions put its crack staff, so-named because they're on crack, to the task of finding out what happened to the crafty crustaceans, the hardshell habitants...

• Aliens. It's always aliens.
• Left to join the dolphins. So Long and Thanks for all the Shrimp?
• finally figured out what life had in store and refused to show up
• got lost because they wouldn't stop to ask for directions
• got UC Berkeley to go on strike with them, to have them reclassified as Not Food
• decided it was just too cold up there and moved to Florida. UC Berkeley realized there are a lot of Jews in Florida and has banned crabs from the campus.

So your area suffered the worst flooding in recent history (Florida).

Now you have a new wave of flesh-eating infections.

God has a strange sense of humor.

I think the crabs should reconsider their decision to move from Alaska to Florida.

It's perfect!

A Real Cupid Stunt

Your love is like   the OJ trial - long and not particularly satisfying

The other day I needed a picture from Wife's phone. I texted it to my phone. Naturally it never arrived.

I realize cell phones are only about 25 years old, so I need to be patient and allow them to work the bugs out.

Most of the time I can't text her. She can't text several other people. We're paying how much for WHAT?

 

Today I identify as  Henry Kissinger, undergoing a sex change

Russia labeled Meta an extremist org

I see nothing incorrect there.

 New York had a gun buyback. These are silly events, encouraging honest people to turn in guns.

A guy gamed the system for $21,000 by 3D printing gun parts and selling them at different locations. The attorney general changed the rules.   snort 

Because you know the criminals are going to turn in their illegal weapons.

Speaking of silly, police prostitution stings are beyond ridiculous. All that manpower wasted to catch johns and ladies agreeing on a price and having some fun. You know there are many departments short-staffed who could use the manpower wasted on these stings.

Remember: when you think about any law... You Own You - the idea that a government has any say over what you do with or put into your own body is repugnant to any (alleged) 'free' people

Evanston, Illinois, has started a form of reparations to black people. It focuses on prior housing discrimination and consists of a $25,000 grant only for house repairs, mortgage, or down payment on a house. The gentleman in the article, a veteran, used the money on his son's mortgage, an allowed use.

I'd be pretty pissed if my money went for that. Let the discriminating agency deal with it, perhaps after a legal battle. Make the realtors pay. I did not discriminate against anyone. I don't have the ability to discriminate. I'd like a $25.000 grant too, but in the form of a tax rebate, to go along with lower taxes. Meanwhile, from Biden down, there sure is a lot of money being given away....

Drivers woefully overestimate hands-free driver tech, study shows

That's because they're stupid. It runs mandly in the population. Apparently unable to read news of spontaneous explosions and crashes into various people and things, people proceed without a care. I shouldn't complain, because this will only produce more blog fodder, but I really don't want to see anyone killed. Unless they're drivers, (not) driving responsibly and they crash spectacularly. Like the guy who grafted rocket engines on his car and wound up part of a rock wall.

To be fair, the manufacturers should title the function appropriately. 

• Driver's Little Helper. 
• Driver Boost. 
• Not Automatic Driving. 
• Pay Attention, Stupid.

 

Best Headline  

Cooperative sperm outrun loners in the mating race

Remember this the next time your mother tells you not to hang around with those kids...

New Zealand proposes taxing cow burps to reduce emissions

NZ is an amusing little country, which is even sillier due to its proximity to Australia. The only question remaining is the method around this brilliant additional revenue stream:

• Each cow fitted with a Burpometer
• a governmental taxation expert in every field
• a belch tax on the purchase of each cow (bo-ring)

What about cow farts? Just as noxious.

NZ is also thinking of taxing every car built by cows.

Toyota has a recall of bZ4X's. They assure everyone the problem isn't serious and no one has been hurt. Aside from the fact that the wheels might fall off while driving, you are perfectly safe. So get your car to the dealer, hopefully by tow. After that small bump, Toyota will fire its marketing department and give your vehicle a proper name.  Who came up with bZ4X and how much of what did they consume before they came up with it?

Former Uber CSO convicted of covering up megabreach back in 2016

Uber has been a favorite target of this blog for years, but only because they're downright injurious and homicidal. In addition to injuring and killing its riders, riders' information is all over the place, as personally denied by the CSO. You're literally taking your life (and information) in your hands whenever you step into one of their cars. Ride services such as this are already a tracking problem because everywhere you go is a matter of record. You should probably avoid places of ill repute, especially if you're married or in public office. Hellllllo Bunny Ranch! 

In a desperate bid to stay on the blog, Tesla has cut radar and now ultrasonic sensors from its cars.

Also considering lights, tires, bumpers, and seatbelts.

Waxworm's spit shows promise in puncturing plastic pollution

Yes, this particular moth larvae's saliva can degrade plastic.

Wait til they find out...

• worker bee boogies can help with pollution
• cow defecation helps soften and moisturize the face  (I'm lying - I just want to see, from afar, women spreading cow shit on their faces)
• the pus in monkey pimples cures the Flying AIDS (12 died trying to extract it)

We saw She-Hulk Attorney at Law for about 7 seconds the other night. You have never seen two people dive for the remote control so fast; it was like a priest diving on a little boy.

The verdict is in on how much Alex Jones will pay for saying words: $965 million to the Sandy Hook families. After the verdict, the jury stumbled out, falling on the floor and talking about getting more of that PCP stuff.

Russia's illegal war on Ukraine continues. It's already background noise to us. Since we (US) have allegedly managed to stay out of the fracas (except sending millions in arms that we can't track), have you noticed other nations jumping in to help (arms aside)?  What does that tell you?

It's work time. I got a notification that one of my classes for credit was a day overdue. It's not that they're difficult, it's that most of my crew would rather claw their own eyes out than take them. First, everything's done in 3 letter acronyms. This isn't a problem except the only people that understand them have been there for 40 years, and retired at 35 years. It's not bad enough that you have to remain more or less awake, it's that there are actual questions at the end of the chapters. I'm not sure if they are to see if you read anything or just to check if you're still awake. Neither are likely.  Work started an hour early this morning, due to an important meeting. Important meeting is like military intelligence: two words that don't go together. Ever. Like good morning. An oxymoron. Oxymoron can be broken down into 2 parts-oxy and moron. It means 'person too stupid to breathe.'

So I'm at about 7 cups of coffee, and it hurts to stand up and make another one. This is all a bit surprising, as I normally only drink 2 cups. At this point, I should be bouncing off the walls, as well as the walls at work, 20 miles away. Since the heater was on yesterday, it's the fan today. The fan is better at keeping me awake, as it very annoying when it blows right at me. I haven't spoken to any of my esteemed coworkers yet, but they're probably dealing with their own fan issues. Or napping - I can never tell which. During our meeting everything was normal, and when I say normal, I mean I was the only one answering the boss or asking questions.  Sometimes I make fun of them to see if they're awake. One guy tilts his head and leans on his arm. I was hoping that one day, one of his family members would knock his arm out of the way and he'd fall into his display. This doesn't make me a bad person, does it? It's not that the meeting is almost silent, but after the boss says good morning, it's like he never said a word. Good morning is not that difficult a set of words to respond to, except perhaps in my group. And the questions get harder from there. 

I also discovered that perhaps speaking up has its disadvantages. I can complain about a slow server all week, but when someone else speaks up in a meeting, the boss seems to come alive. "Oh, it's slow," he says. Yes, it's even slower than it was when I said it last week. But I try to keep my sarcasm in check, as if that were possible. I do extra stuff for the boss, so I don't get fired. There is no question in my mind why the boss won't let me speak to Manglement. I love it when a plan comes together. I think everyone is more desperate to separate me from them after they found out the boss 2 levels up used to work at Microsoft. *I* would separate me too. I don't know why, but I get the feeling he wouldn't want to hear my plans for excising the disease that is Microsoft from the company. But I am not afraid to pull the tiger's tail, even though I should be. Some tell me I'm brave. Some tell me I'm not brave; I'm stupid. Whatever. I don't get fired for poking the tiger, like Steve Irwin. I get fired for other stuff. Then the lawsuits. Don't get me started.

Hey, I can type without falling asleep. Must've been that 7th cup. 

I figured we were off the hook after the multi-hour horror that was online ticket purchasing with the very evil Ticketmaster. HA - like that was going to happen. Next up was the car payment. Yes, you can mail it, but there a Special Mailing Charge. Yes, you can talk to a human, but there's a Special Human Charge. So I pay online, where they have yet to implement a Special Online Charge. It has worked flawlessly. Until today. Today they want to verify me. You knew this was coming. They want to verify me over my landline. Of course they do. We're still waiting for our phone to arrive, so no landline. They ask me for an additional number, so I give it to them. Naturally they can't add it. THEN WHY DID THEY ASK ME?  Yes, let's verify him so he can give us a lot of money - what a great idea! It will let him know we hold all the cards!

Put in the last 34 digits of your social security number

30486583034758357*(**25065))

Put in the last 34 digits of your social security number

30486583034758357*(**25065))

Put in....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

To make sure you speak to the correct representative, we need to verify you

So I need to be verified to get verified?

Put in the last 34 digits of your social security number

30486583034758357*(**25065))

Put in the last 34 digits of your social security number

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

If you want to put in your social sercurity number, we might let you through faster. We might also be doing this to further piss you off. 

I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

Hi, this is an actual person. Can I have your social security number?

No, you not supposed to be using social security numbers for this

Can I have your address?

You already have it

How about your routing number?

Take it off the account.

We don't have access to your account.

Neither do I. That's the problem. I'm only trying to give you money. I pity the poor fools who want a loan.

Oh, they don't have to give us any information. Can I have your social security number?

Can I have yours? 

Cessna has noted so many emergency landings on highways, they are installing car horns on their planes.

Air Supply and Rick Springfield tickets are available. Gee, I'd sure love to see them, but after the last ticket-buying experience.....  hahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

• I have to insert a warning here: I wouldn't see Air Supply on pain of death. But if I mention getting tickets, death is not far off.

We're living life on the edge. Penny is upset that Mommy leaves the tv on when she goes out. Unfortunately she leaves daytime TV on, so Penny's threatening to call the SPCA on us for animal cruelty.

My buddy got one of those vacuums that wander around by themselves and couldn't wait to show it off. I warned him but he brought it by anyway. He told it to GO and it was off. And when I say it was off, I mean it moved exactly 2", coughed, and powered right down. He checked the error codes later and it told him no matter what he does, do NOT make it do that again. It has identified my house and will not even start if he brings it by again. It will have to go back to the factory for an incredibly DEEP cleaning and may be unusable. It's good to laugh now and then, especially at the misfortune of others.

We went out for dinner the other night. The waitress got everything right. The food was good. 

I suggest you watch the news - we're in danger of something happening.

If you go to the amusement park and own an IDevice 14, you should probably turn off Crash Detection if you ride the roller coaster. People who love attention should just ignore this advice. The lovely people at 911 will send people in uniform to pay attention to you. You'll be a star for a day!

It's fun being a Pennsylvania resident now. One day you turn the heat on, later that day the fan. Halloween's coming up, so stock up on the large candy - don't be a Halloweenie. And all day and night long, you're barraged by tv and radio ads for political candidates. There are two Congressional candidates: one who stood by the governor as businesses were ordered shut and livelihoods were lost. He has a little trouble talking due to his earlier stroke. The other had a tv show. The republicans are anti-abortion, the dems pro-choice. I'm pro-abortion; I beleive everybody should have one. The gubernatorial race features a religious republican who has a bible quote on his signs and wanted to do a 40 day prayer fast to get his candidacy out of the dumps. These people scare me. The democratic candidate doesn't like the 2nd Amendment. These are pretty important campaign issues. And don't forget my favorite Congresswoman, who rose from state office. I occasionally try to look past disagreement and find commonalities. Not her. She is the first person in my life whose every utterance I disagree with.  Everything. There is no common ground to be had. I didn't think people like this existed, but she's up for office again.  If I were to say I enjoyed breathing air, she would find a way to make air breathing more difficult and tax it heavily. What's worse, many of her constituents would agree.

I'm voting libertarian, as usual. I just can't take the hypocrisy, growing government, government intervention into private matters, taxing, debt, IRS, (and when they breathe). You've spent your entire life voting between R and D, with no positive change, and you foot the bill. They're two sides of the same warped coin. What's worse, they've done a divide and conquer on the American people that's pure evil.  I can't, in good conscience, waste my vote on the ass clowns currently running.

• Have you ever noticed you can't get your underarms licked the way they should be, or should I shut up again?

Remember This In Case You Forget It

Your love is like  dog farts

• Khloe Khardashian had a rare tumor removed from her face. Now you can't see anything above her neck.

Today I identify as   Spam.  SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM. Lovely Spam. Wonderful Spam.

Scientists believe existence of party drugs in space points to proof of aliens

No, really.

The problem is that what they're referring to as party drugs is nitrous oxide. I've used nitrous, but only at the dentist's office. It did a great job of calming me down. But let's put that aside for a moment... what would make finding a gas in space prove aliens? Are there any dentists in space? I sure hope they don't find mowers in space - that could easily point to the existence of huge, invisible rhinocerouses. There's an awful lot of vacuum in space. This could lead scientists to argue that the aliens use vacuum tubes or that they like to keep a clean planet. Most of all, there's a lot of dirt out there, mostly orbiting the planet. Maybe we could get some of that space vacuum to help. Obviously the large pink aliens are good with vacuums. What, you've never seen large pink aliens? Try some nitrous oxide.

Philadelphia was named one of the most foul-mouthed cities in America.

Can you fscking imagine the nerve of those shits?

The article I read did not mention the friggin criteria by which those bastards judged the cities.

 

Saudi women reject stigma to embrace pole dancing

NOW we're getting somewhere, only 20 years behind the US.

 You will be surprised to note that not everyone in Saudi Arabia thinks this is a good idea. One prince said to his friend, "I told you this would happen after we allowed them to have drivers licenses. But we better keep an eye on this. Just to make sure there's nothing illegal happening. No other reason. At all."

TICKETMASTER MUST DIE

Once again I attempted a very silly, dangerous, and arduous task: ordering tickets.

Historically, this has never gone well. No part of the process is easy or just works. Each step involves more pain. I have to be tranquilized long before I start, and I'm completely out of tranquilizer. I just want to buy tickets. From when I was little, I bought tickets. The only problem I ever had was not being able to afford good seats. Since it went online, it all went to hell. Judging by the amount of seats already purchased, someone must have passed the strenuous tests required by Ticketmaster, but I can't imagine it.

Ticketmaster used to come out with sniper teams to shoot the ticket scalpers. Now apparently they've learned to cooperate. All the seats left are from 'verified resellers.' And they want $870.00 for the first rows. WHAT IS THIS? It's Jeff Friggin' Beck and Johnny Depp, not Led Zeppelin reforming. I sincerely hope they get stuck with them. Moving back a bit, row P seats are $200 and row Q are $120, depending on whether you want center, right, left, hanging from the rafters, or operating the mixing board. I'm ok with the mixer, but Wife never mixed before. There are a few seats left in Q, so I pick out the row, but Ticketmaster will let us know which two seats. We need to sit close to the aisle, but no problem... Ticketmaster knows best.

Then they want all the credit card info. It takes a while, so Ticketmaster lets me know this is no big deal by flashing a BRIGHT RED popup, telling me to HURRY UP - THE SEATS MIGHT GO WHILE YOU'RE TYPING. Then they want to verify me. The problem is they want to verify me by sending a text to my phone. It's a friggin LANDLINE. I changed it to my cell, and felt verified. 

We got to the final charge, which included FORTY SIX DOLLARS in service fees. It's a small wonder artists are getting pissed at Ticketmaster. But wait - there's another few dollars in processing fees. So not only are the artists pissed, but the fans are ready to tear their throats out. Or anybody's throats, for that matter.  

I am not happy. Really really not happy. Not happier than normal by a large factor.

You know it's not over yet, right? Of course you do - this is me we're talking about. I'm Captain Weird! I don't have normal problems. I clicked PAY, figuring I was all done. HA!  There was an additional verification. I think they just want to see how many people will put up with their crap. The really amusing, and when I say amusing, I mean INFURIATING MURDEROUS, part is that it wants to call my landline, which I removed from the account. There is no way to fix this. Thinking on my feet (I normally think on my pancreas) I ran and grabbed a phone to plug into the landline, because our wireless phone broke. Two complete handsets broke. I was out of my mind. The police were getting calls. I was practicing my Madman Vocabulary at high volume. Naturally this triggered the dog, who started barking at me. EVERY TIME I tried to say something to Wife, the dog barked. After three tries, I completely lost it and went Pete Townshend on the phone, grabbing it by the wire and slamming it repeatedly into the wall. So now there was absolutely no way to verify the purchase over the phone. The good news is that we're saving a hell of a lot of money. The bad news is that we're not seeing Jeff Beck. Wife gets the same results, so it's not just me.

The last time I tried buying tickets at the box office, there was a BOX OFFICE FEE. It's not that I can't afford it, it's the principle. They have done nothing to add value to the ticket, but Ticketmaster and the box office seem to think that simply selling a ticket is worth a ridiculous addon fee.

So I've barely calmed down enough to type this. Although I can type 100wpm, half of them are mistakes. Making mistakes at this moment, without tranquilization, is not a good thing. Fortunately the police recognized my address and knew it was ok to not stop by. There was no glass shattered in any window on the block, so we're ok. I have stopped showing off my vocabulary and thinking of ways to assist Ticketmaster in their quest to put themselves out of business. More or less. The dog and the wife have fled to a different floor, so at least one of them isn't trying to talk over me. Unfortunately this puts quite a damper on dinner.

Is this tale over? What - are you fuggin kidding me? While out today, we bought the new Jeff/Johnny CD. While unpacking our purchases, I discovered the CD is nowhere to be found.  It's almost like somebody doesn't want us to see (or hear) Jeff Beck. 

The Next Day 

Mrs. lefty gives it a try. She uses her phone, with no complicated browser restrictions. As she speaks out loud, I can already feel my blood pressure going up. Ticketmaster takes forever to find the concert. When it comes up, there are a choice of them. Click and POOF - blank page. She asked me to try, even remembering the poor telephone that still lay in pieces, as a reminder to Ticketmaster. I got the same blank page. Ticketmaster is a blank page. And they more than likely own the resellers whose tickets appear on their site. I believe the reseller tickets are somewhat cheaper than the Ticketmaster. I was all excited because there were addons. I want Jeff to sign my guitar. I was close - the addon was parking. 

We were thinking of staying home because of the Depp-acle. It will look like a John Mayer concert, with huge signs and fainting fans. Maybe a judge and some lawyers too. At the end of the show, they will declare him not guilty. Poor Jeff. But it IS their album.

We decided to try another way, via the resellers directly. We found seats and only mildly userous prices, then they tacked on a $60 service fee. One place wouldn't even tell you what the fees were until you paid. I believe these were the Ticketmaster-owned resellers, so there was no big surprise. StubHub had seats and charged a reasonable fee, so we went with them. 

First I had to transfer them via Ticketmaster. Uh-oh. And shockingly, it failed. Notice what just worked and what just failed. Eventually the Great Satan came around. When I went to print, my printer spat out one ticket, then choked on the second. Troubleshooting is fun because there's only a blinking light telling me something's wrong. No jams. So I turned it off and turned it on again and it printed. Perhaps it likes being cycled. I don't. I have never had so much trouble getting tickets (since the last Ticketmaster buy). Every. Step. Frought. With. Misery.

So I have tickets, times, and directions. Maybe even some barbecue. We gonna see JEFF BECK. In New Jersey, with Johnny Depp, but still. It will be better than the Loud Hailer tour, where the chick shouted into a megaphone. 

After one of the recent Amazon warehouse fires, staff declared a strike.  

After the strike, Amazon declared a firing. 80 were jettisoned.

Rather than actually doing anything about the warehouses, Amazon is suing the state that criticized warehouse safety. Amazon is, very quietly, bringing in Elon Musk to examine the warehouses' propensity to spontaneously combust, like his cars. They figure if anyone knows about spontaneous combustion, it's Musk. Meanwhile, Amazon has released this statement to its employees: GET BACK TO WORK. You could be number 81.

Speaking of Musk, 160,000 customers are running Tesla's Full Self Driving beta.

The customers are the beta testers. It's like Windows!

An NYU organic chemistry professor has been terminated for tough grading.

UC Berkeley is on strike in sympathy. A press release stated that this was a good first step in marginalizing education. Chemistry can be replaced with something important, like Protesting 101. Are there any Jews at NYU? They'll have to go.

Very little has been made of Kamila's statement that aid for Florida would go to minorities first. 

I guess the press just forgot.

Today was another sad day in the ThermonicEmissions household: I had to mow again.

I'm sure the new neighbors appreciated it, but the main point was that I didn't. My only hope is that it will stop growing because it's getting cold. The power assist was very handy up hills (and over small children and squirrels). Then, of course, it's the raking. This is why I need to be very wealthy. Ok?

In other news, the Penny Bowl was scored like this:

DOG 2     Mice 0

DOG 1     Bird 0

Penny did not enjoy the home field advantage. Hopefully this will put an end to local sports.

The dog is napping. I am not. This goes to show the imbalance in the house.

REPARATIONS!

When I got out of bed, it was cold. This is a new and unwanted experience. It took me a while to remember that when I'm cold, it's time to go outside, where it's warm. Then I get yelled at by the neighbors for letting all the cold out.

When I got done mowing, I was hot. Sweating. This is not a normal state for me. I'm surprised Wife recognized me, but I kid; she was still sleeping, and dog was keeping her safe. From what, we do not know... maybe Ticketmaster. Or UC Berkeley.... there are Jews in the family. So after having imbibed some grapefruit soda and Yoo Hoo, I assumed my default stance; sitting. In the formerly cold room, I turned the fan on to cool down. There was some kind of strange liquid falling down my forehead. The dog likes to lick my forehead before we go to bed. Nobody knows why. She doesn't lick Wife's forehead - just mine. Perhaps it's garlic or hot spices... I'm an honorary Italian. And an honorary lesbian. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's Single Personality Disorder.  It didn't take long to realize I wasn't getting any benefit from the 24" industrial fan, only 15' (30 liters Canadian) away. Being the reluctant troubleshooter I am, I set to work. Mind you, after mowing, I felt I had already set to work, so I set to work, grumbling about already having set to work. It didn't take long to find the culprit: it was the 1974 Camaro in the dining room, which had moved between the fan and me. I just assumed it would stay where it was when it first appeared. It only took three days to become part of the house, therefore invisible. We spent some time trying to decide if it was good or bad that it had decided to move, and if it had achieved sentience (which it obviously had), or some joker moved it while I was out mowing. Dog doesn't have much of a sense of humor, Wife was sleeping. This would indicate a third party.

I moved the fan, because it was easier than moving the Camaro. Once I had it pointed at me, I re-sat to ponder the motion of the car. Sherlock Holmes said that when you remove some of the stuff, what's left is the answer (that may not be a direct quote). So the car achieved sentience and moved itself. How it moved itself vertically is another question entirely, as cars are know for motion strictly in the horizontal plane (unless they're dragsters in a spectacular upending crash, but we don't have the room for that inside, nor the boffo Start lights). It's the day after The Great Mowing and the Camaro is still where it originally blocked the fan, so I'm ok with it; unless it tries to sit on the couch. I will defend the couch with my life. On the other hand, it would neatly disassemble the couch, but we'd have to find another one quickly, and it's not a simple or quick process. 

While at the mall this past weekend,  I met a kindred soul at the candy store. Man, this place was a trip down memory lane, with all the candy I used to eat as a (littler) kid. We commiserated on how automakers don't make Real Cars<tm> anymore. No bench seats for the dog. No 8 cylinder engines. No families of 9 sitting comfortably in the rear seat (or the trunk). No really sweet ride anymore. No curved lines, making all new cars look like Volkswagen Beetles stretched out.  But we did get lots of candy. Warning: anything described as HOT isn't. Except hot cinnamon Jelly Bellies, but they cost more than heroin per pound. A little known fact it that smart economists realize the economy is tied to Jelly Bellies. The more purchased, the better things are. When the hot ones sell well, look out!

So we're left with a sentient 1974 Camaro. While the Corvettes were cooler-looking, the Camaros were more comfortable. If the car has evolved speech, we will have to discuss getting on the road. Unfortunately in this state, anything over 20-25 years requires an antique tag (!) and can only be driven a certain amount of miles per year. If there were libertarians in state office, this wouldn't be a problem. Imagine letting a state tell you what you can and cannot drive. We'd ride illegally, because that's just the way we roll. Outlaws. I'd get a leather vest and some sort of bandana to put on my head (which would also hide the expanding lack of hair). I guess the car feels safe in the dining room, so I have no complaints. People tell me my house feels safe. This is in spite of the way it looks. It was decorated by the most recent tornado to touch ground.

Speaking of tornadoes, we stopped at a far away donut place. We were pleasantly surprised because we're used to Dunkin, which are a bit paltry, to be polite. These donuts can be thrown through windows, they're so dense and filled with good stuff. I ate one yesterday. It was lovely, but way too filling. I made a mental note, on one of those internal yellow sticky pads, which always seem to get lost on the internal desk, to avoid the donuts. HOWEVER, the donuts are still there, calling to me. Intellectually I know if I eat one, it will fill me up too much. But they're calling to me. I feel like Homer Simpson.

Ooh, donut. Yum.

Oh. Heavy. Stomach hurts.

Ooh, donut. Yum.

If you listen closely to this blog, you can hear them calling.

Maybe if I wash them down with coffee, everything will be different.

How could one possibly avoid a donut called Chocolate Thunder?

I'd wind up sitting there, on the couch, hoping the fan wasn't obstructed by automobiles, or anything else.

• High school was hell for me, but not for the reasons you think. It was mainly English classes, where I'd literally horrify the teachers by producing prose such as this. And quoting Zappa lyrics. One teacher had to take mental health leave after that. 
• I used to feel like that after Shakespeare. I know exactly one person who understands Shakespeare. I'd look at the book and wonder what language it was in. I passed English because I was a Grammar Nazi, not because I could read the alleged literature. I passed Science befcause I understood it, not because I dissected frogs. I gave the teacher the choice of picking me up off the floor, or letting me pass because I understood science. He took the wise option. I have no idea how I passed gym. Probably because I showed up. For the torture. 

The Prince and Princess of Wales (William and Kate) took over a British radio station to host a mental health special. 

Because no one knows about the trials and instabilities of the common man like a Prince or Princess.

William: Prince of Wales here.

Caller: Am I on the air?

William: Yes you are. I'm William. How can I help?

Caller: I'm hearing you twice.

William: Turn off your radio, you twat.

Caller: isn't that typical of a royal

William: I'm very sorry. How can we help you?

Caller: I get a lot of headaches when I beat my wife.

William: Kate?

Kate: Don't beat your wife.

Caller: I never thought of that. Thank you, ma'am.

Next Caller: I'm really worried about a financial collapse in the colonies.

William: You should contact that whore, Meghan. She knows all about collapses.

Kate: I'm so sorry, but we must jet off now. We're going to wear silly hats for poor children in Nambia.

William: Zambia.

Kate: Nambia, Zambia, what's the fscking difference?

Host: We'd like to thank the Prince and Princess for taking over the station and their emminent wisdom on the topic of mental health. Please tune in next weekend when King Chuck will be here to talk about the finances of the average and the poor.

A teenaged boy was shot multiple times outside of a San Antonio, Texas, McDonald's. The officer, who has been fired, stated that the boy was eating the burger "in a threatening manner".

The entire Uvalde school police force was jettisoned last week. A good guess was the way they stood there for 70+ minutes while Cruz was inside, shooting away.

I wasn't there and don't know much about police operations, but I wonder if this is something that should be dealt with at the top. The boss was already fired. Can a new boss effectively get the existing force into shape? Or is this something that had to be done for PR?  Not to worry, the school is being covered via a different police force. 

Ketamine reduces depression symptoms within hours. Here’s how the psychedelic drug works so fast

It's actively being used against treatment-resistent depression. This is a great sign. It's definitely better than ECT (shock therapy). I think we still have very little idea how depression works, but if something works, without turning you green or spitting out your pancreas, it's good. Hopefully it can also be used on people with bipolar disorder, who can't use certain antidepressants (SSRI, for one). 

Derrell Brooks ran down many people in Waukausha, Wisconsin, at a parade. 6 died, many more injured. I have a macabre question that has not been asked: if he was on a mowing spree, why didn't he drive down the center of the street, where he could have killed so many more? He drove off to the side. Even one murder is too many, but I'd like the question answered, Your Honor. Brooks is representing himself, which is never a smart idea. 

Further on Kanye's antisemitic rants: I'm going to take my normal stand against "Hate Speech." There IS no hate speech, only speech, whether you like it or not. Instead of being banned, it needs to be kept in the light, where it can be seen and monitored. Howard Stern had the KKK Guy on for a while, and he served to bring the organization into the light for all of Howard's listeners. Howard made him explain his stances. The guy was particularly upset about Robin, who is black. Like most humans who are in frequent contact, he did ok with her.  So let Kanye rant - it's good where we can see it. We can then act accordingly. Plus it might keep the ADL quiet, if that's possible. 

Last time I watched a police-type show, they were looking for a lady, so they checked for her car. They found the car, via satellite radio. Read it again: satellite radio. They were able to track the signal and locate her car. It's also possible via On-Star-like services. And your phone. Keep that in mind. Not that you're doin ganything wrong, just that you're supposed to be free of tracking.

Food Shopping antics 

Lunchmeat went up to $18/lb, but that was IF you could find it. They order and the supplier 'forgets' to show up or drops off way less. The trashcan looked nice, but not $75 nice. WTF is going on here? It's like we're going backwards, only with higher prices. $11 tub of butter substitute. A case of Coke was $7.50 - I mainline this stuff - might as well go back to crack. Just keeping you in the loop.