Your love is like green eggs and green ham
Celine Dion reveals incurable health condition and postpones tour dates
It's called Stiff Person Syndrome (SPS) and should definitely be renamed, especially when referring to entire audiences. We wish her the best in her health battle. The disease affects 1 in a million.
Today I identify as Kanye on lithium
News of the Neighbors
Until their 12hp Noise Machine arrives, they have to find other ways to annoy me. Today was a new one. In spite of the cold and gray weather, one of them was sitting outside with a laptop, carrying on a conversation for over an hour. They didn't sound like they were in the room with me - more like just on the other side of the window. I don't make any noise, except when I'm yelling at a computer. Ok, I make a lot of noise.
Inside Honduras' abortion pill black market
Precisely what's going to happen here, if it hasn't already.
Trashed lithium-ion batteries caused three garbage truck fires in California
While we probably can't blame this on Elon Musk... at least we got his name in there.
Once again, lefty attempted to make a payment online. We all know no good can come of this, even though he makes the payment every month without any grief. Sure enough, it failed and I had to call. The Help d00d knew I was using Chromium (Chrome without Google) and asked if I could use something like Firefox. Sure, glad to. Firefox failed in exactly the same way as Chromium. Help d00d said he had to leave his desk to check on my connection, and would be right back. He didn't have to leave his desk the first time, which made me wonder. I regularly checked the phone to make sure it was still connected. 45 minutes later, I hung up. I suspect he had to go potty, get a snack, flirt with a secretary who wants nothing to do with him, go out for lunch, get his head waxed, and flirt with the head waxist, who wants nothing to do with him. He honestly intended to finish my call, if both of us were still around. During the interminable wait, I tried all sorts of browser permutations, all of which failed to log in. I don't think it's me, kids; I think a server is down, as my browsers kept telling me. Seven of them can't all be wrong. The Help section says to get in touch with them by logging in and hitting the button. What if I can't log in, you twits?
I want to go out later, but it might just be better to stay in. There are fewer disasters than can befall me. Not none - just fewer. The lone working laptop could do a Telsa impersonation and spontaneously burst into flames, while on my lap (then we could play "How long does it take Wife to discover he has burns Down There?"). My service elephant could discover the weak spot in the floor and fall through to the floor below. Wife could find panties she doesn't remember buying and blame it on me. I guess it doesn't matter if she thinks they're from another woman or *I've* been wearing them.
Musicians
It's been 50 years since the invention of the Eventide Harmonizer. 50 years.
It cost the equivalent of $7500. 2 big users were Eddie Van Halen and Frank Zappa (RIP x2). ZZ Top used pitch change on Manic Mechanic.
FurFest: Inside the world's 'largest' furry convention
Rules:
- no pointing and laughing
- do not drop your keys
- it is ok to stare at 2 (or more) furries going at it, but only in public spaces
- no throwing condoms
- Let These People Express Themselves (in cartoon character suits)
So I had to go out and make 2 stops. You already know this is not going to go well.
After weeks, I finally got the information to send my broken laptop in for service. Wife said to go to a large national office supply store, which does mailing. Oh, cool. And off we went. Right before we left I sent myself the information to return the laptop, so I'd have it on my phone.
HA!
While we waited interminably, I pulled up my information. Or rather, I tried to pull up the information. All of the sudden, my phone got stupid and had no idea what to do with a .PDF file. I've had the phone quite a few years and it always knew what to do. Ok, off to find a reader. Aack, the Adobe reader is 400M! Adobe is worthless anyway, so I found a smaller one. Install, POOF, and it can't find the file. Ok, I'll play along, I opened the file and told the phone to use the new program.
You know at this point that everything will go smoothly, right? Don't be silly. The newly installed program tells me the .PDF file is no good and it's not going to open it. And furthermore, PBTHLLLLT.
At this point, Billy, the Uber Helpful Shipping Person said yes, of course they can ship my laptop. I have to buy a box first. They're in lucky aisle 13. They have 6 box types, none of which will accommodate the laptop correctly. I wound up with an Extra Large box, meant for carrying couches.
I figured before I went back to the counter, I'd try other ways to get the shipping info. Hey, I know, it's in Gmail!
Go to gmail.com
sorry, we can't reach that site
I'm already questioning the point of my life and this is not helping. The sad irony is that I put things in place so software couldn't go out and visit google. Naturally this was preventing me from getting gmail. I had to get inside the phone and un-fix things.
Go to gmail.com
We'd really like to log you in, but the greater need here is to drive you up a tree. We're Google - it's what we do. We can call you, text you, or take a blood test.
Fsck google and their 'help'. I eventually got in.
Error 400. That's about all we know, ok?
Fsck Google. Log in again. Oops, the info is not actually in the email - I have to log into the laptop company. FINALLY.
Billy starts ripping cardboardish paper off to put in the box. OMG. How many boxes have you shipped, Billy? Never mind.... I don't think I could stand the answer.
No, Billy, you cannot simply drop the laptop on top of the paper. Don't you have bubble wrap?
"You'll have to buy that. It's over in lucky aisle 13."
If you're ever in a huge national office supply chain that sounds like Rapels, lucky aisle 13 is where the party is. You can purchase boxes that are nowhere close to what you need, as well as huge rolls of bubble wrap. Did you know bubble wrap costs more than gasoline? I mention this as gasoline was being poured upon my temper and general ability to avoid homicide. Fortunately I didn't have to pay for the tape. Billy, please don't wrap the laptop once - use a few wraps - it's a laptop. It's expensive. It will play basketball with itself inside the box. I bought a roll of the stuff - use it. Now, put the bubble wrap on in the other direction too, Billy. Billy graduated at the top of his class. Unfortunately Billy has no idea what class it was.
Finally Billy throws some more cardboard paper on top of the bubble wrapped laptop and checked in with me as to whether it was good or not. Billy, I hate to ask this, but do you see how, when you close the box, the laptop would still have 6" left and the entire contents of the box would flop around? Yeah, fill it up please, Billy.
Lurch: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Billy - who taught you to shop boxes?
No one.
Billy weighs box, looks up some stuff, has a smoke, and gives me a total.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONE HUNDRED AND 20 DOLLARS?
Well, it's a large box and 11 pounds.
Billy, I paid them $15 return postage.
Yeah, that's the cheapest option. And it will take a week to get there. Sir?
Lurch: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
I'm sorry, I think I passed out. I thought I heard you say $120.
Yes sir. Do you want to ship it?
I guess I don't have a choice. I need to insure it too.
That will be another....
DON'T TELL ME. Just ship it.
In the car, I told Wife what it cost.
WHAT?
Yup.
Stop #2 is a large national home depot kind of place.
As we walk in, I'm developing symptoms of PTSD. I need to grab, pay, and GO.
Her: Oh, look at these! Flashlights. Hey, they have 5 modes, including blink. I think I'll test each one out a few times and see if I like it.
Lurch: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Ooh, I wanna look at the Christmas blow up thingies.
I am still very upset by the shipping debacle and I just want to get home. The only thing I've eaten all day is Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bits cereal. I've got PTSD, borderline-illegal thoughts, and I don't have it in me to look at stuff we didn't come for. Please.
Did you know there's such a thing as snake repellant? There's a problem we don't want to have. While filling up the cart, Wife starts talking about her priorities for next week.
DO YOU NOT SEE ME SHAKING? Let me know when you're ready to check out. Lasagna takes 2 hours - we need to go home.
Oh, ok. Hey, look at the tools! I need to go down this other aisle.
No you don't.
Lurch: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
I can't believe the price went up again...
I'll meet you at the car. I can't take any more of this. She looks at me strangely.
Two hours for lasagna. We've been home over an hour, and I just noticed the oven isn't on. Wife is out back, smoking and doing more of whatever she does out back. If I knew there needed to be extensive putzing around, I would have taken care of dinner. At this point, it will be past midnight before the lasagna is done. I may be a little odd, but I need to eat at less than 12 hour intervals.
Are you eating?
No.
Lurch: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Is it just me?
Your Health
Brief bursts of activity offer health benefits for people who don't exercise
I frequently get up for coffee and soda.
How much water should you drink a day? It depends on several factors.
I can't conceive of drinking 8 eight ounce glasses of anything
K-pop: The rise of the virtual girl bands
Since about the 1970s, music has become product. This will become the most naked product ever produced. Sheer greed on the part of the producers and record companies.
UC Berkeley, in a statement, hopes that none of the artificially generated Korean girls are Jewish.
San Francisco decides killer police robots aren't such a great idea
Yeah, those robots that could get into where gunpersons are and blow them up? Perhaps they're rethinking the idea. San Francisco is actually the capital of the Planet of California.
UC Berkeley urges San Francisco to keep the robots, but only use them on Jews and Zionists. Furthermore, UC Berkeley has invited Kanye YeYe West to speak at a mandatory all-faculty and students meeting, called The Braveness of Speaking Truth to Power.
Speaking of great ideas from San Francisco, it took days for someone to complain about Elon Musk putting in beds for his employees. How could anyone possibly complain about this? Well, it costs $3,000/month to rent a closet - do the math. Musk had words on Twitter, then threatened to move his operations to a less insane state (there are only 49 of them).
We continue to receive packages for our neighbors. My neighbors seem fine, but they have their own addresses. Does FedEx want to pay us to do their job? I could always use some spare cash. The only thing is that it's getting to the holiday rush and we'll need a hand truck to take all the packages to their houses.
We need a sign. We live at 2005.
--> 2003
2005
<-- 2007
Assuming the delivery drivers can read, this should help. We already have large black numbers on the house, which are difficult to miss. Unless you're a delivery driver, I guess.
No comments:
Post a Comment