Thursday, August 31, 2023

Where the Wild Typewriters Roam


Your love is like  the bad kind of mushrooms


Hookworms Successfully Prevent Type 2 Diabetes In Human Trial

I got them from my dog.


Microsoft May Bring AI Capabilities To Apps Like Paint and Photos On Windows 11 17

"Paint me a 1980 Cadillac Sedan de Ville in my living room" 


IBM Says Its Generative AI Tool Can Convert Old COBOL Code To Java 

Do you wanna be on the rollercoaster when they test it? 


Scientists Want To Fix Tooth Decay With Stem Cells 

Republicans in Texas have already banned it. 

 

Space junk targeted for cleanup mission was hit by different space junk, making more space junk

And this, Honey, is why I can't vacuum.  

 

'Millions' of spammy emails with no opt-out? That'll cost you $650K, Experian

Experian, in trouble yearly for some egregious practice, once again receives a stinging slap on the wrist. They claim their wrist is beginning to hurt.

 

Global Warming 

Yesterday it was 93. Today it's 63.


CEO Zooms through the bad news on Q2 earnings call

It's called the Faceyspaces Effect. "No one ever went broke overestimating the stupidity of the public".

 

The false promises of Tesla’s Full Self-Driving

ThermionicEmissions prides itself on the Truth. To expose the truth of the above, remove 'Tesla'. I've been saying "Not ready for prime time" ever since the concept was announced.  Ok. you can fault Musk a little, for saying his cars could do it.


  • Mrs. lefty is visiting relatives this week. All I can say is God, I miss her. It's just not the same without her. It's too quiet. I miss the kisses most. I hope she brings the dog home soon.


The old nose hair is getting long again. Wife suggested a perm. I suggested a new battery for the nasal weed whacker. No word from the dog yet.


After shopping, Wife appears with a bag that says "Jewish rolls" on it.
This sparked interesting conversations.
What makes a roll Jewish? Is it cheap? Does it own the bakery? Does it have all the flour? Has the dough been persecuted? Did 6 million rolls go bad at the bakery? As Bradley Cooper just found out, rolls don't have big noses, and if they did, it would be antisemitic to point it out. I am now in trouble with the Anti Roll Defamation League. Don't even get me started on matzoh.


Congrats and well done to India, upon landing its Chandrayaan-3 on the Moon

Space Patrol wants to blow it up, but needs 5 years and $25 billion from President Giveaway to get the job done. 

 

Thousands of Octopuses Gather at This Mysterious Spot. Now, We Know Why.

free wi-fi


Walmart is adding Wing drone deliveries to limited Superstores this year

Project held up while they teach the drones to lose packages.







Monday, August 28, 2023

A Futile Conversation with the Spare Tire

I started the Dementia page to document our struggles and my mom's struggles.
She passed yesterday.

There are no words.

-----------------------------------------------------



Your love is like  candied tarantula


Greetings to Singapore - happy to see you.
Do you guys have a national slur? Malaysia has none. We have one: "Americans".



Conversations with my dog 

Me: Good to see you out of bed.

Her: Of course I'm out of bed - Mommy's out of bed.

Me: What's this crap in your flaps and fur?

Her: spackle

Me: Why is there spackle on your flaps?

Her: Mommy was spackling.

Me: And you've taken up spackling?

Her: I was helping. I'm very helpful.

Me: Are you going to help get it off the sofa too?

Her: Mommy's job.

Me: But why did you get it all over you?

Her: Some swim the Channel. Some climb mountains. Because they're there.


  • We now have some sort of wooden stand with an appendage to hold bananas in the air. This is more care than I get.
  • That is all.


Ford’s recall of Mustang Mach-Es in 2022 is under investigation by feds

Bravo to Ford, for not going with the pack and breaking out on their own. Instead of recalling for battery explosions and fires, they went with high voltage connectors to the batteries. Who knows... maybe the batteries will be next. Considering the myriad of battery recalls from the myriad of EV manufacturers, it would seem the batteries may not be suitable for any car nor any passenger short of an adrenaline junkie, who got bored with leaping out of airplanes, with or without a chute. 

TIP: if you have an EV, purchase a very reliable normal car or two, to avoid spontaneous combustion or generic old fires. It's not polite to take Mom to the doctor for her nerves when the car sets itself on fire.


  • Storm Hilary battered parts of the US, bringing record-breaking rainfall and causing flash flooding. Death Valley National Park received a full year's worth of rain in one day, and remains indefinitely closed.
  • Like its namesake, the storm also ate babies.


Biden tours 'overwhelming' Hawaii wildfire damage

In tears that anybody 'could do this to Disneyland' 


  •  You just wait... as it gets closer to election time, the people screaming for Trump's head will shift to allege that Trump set up the arrest to help him in the election.


The Space Race (Had a Flat)


Russia’s Luna 25 spacecraft has crashed into the Moon

The whole world knows. Except in Russia, where they think it landed safely and the US was never there.

After Russia’s failure, India is next in line to attempt a Moon landing

They want to open a .....    [sorry - can't do it] 

Hold the Moon – NASA's buildings are crumbling amid 200-year upgrade cycles

If you thought it was hard to find 50 year old Moon landing documents, try 200 year old buildings

Uncle Sam: Rest of the world would love to steal our space blueprints – don't let 'em

Well, it's obvious that Russia didn't steal them. Or did they?  



Pioneering wind-powered cargo ship sets sail

Ok, who's gonna be the one to tell them? 

You - Mayflower... you're volunteered! 


Scientists find evidence that Vlad the Impaler shed bloody tears

He died in battle in January 1477, having killed an estimated 80,000 people in his lifetime.
This is a man who lived his work. One has to respect that.


68 Years After His Death, James Dean Is Reportedly Starring in a New Movie - Thanks to AI

This is pretty slick. Or pretty sick, depending on your point of view. I wonder if anyone asked his estate.

The most important thing to know here is that this is not new technology, no matter what they say. AI has advanced past what you think to something damn near reality. Just the other day I was watching a Cops-type show, havin' a ball, when my world turned upside down. While the police were chasing a particularly peppy BMW, I saw the driver signal a left hand turn. Everybody with even a glancing knowledge of driving knows BMW drivers don't use turn signals. The new BMWs don't even come with turn signals. The entire show had to be generated by AI. Keep your eyes open, people.







Friday, August 25, 2023

No Plooking the Ostriches - I Mean it


Your love is like  chocolate covered scorpions


Remember President Giveaway's $52 billion gift to the chip industry? Intel does. And they're arguing they should get a bigger slice of the pie because they do their research in the country.

I should get a large slice of the pie too. After all, I'm the White House's favorite blog. No, I don't have any statistics or IP addresses or proof or any silly stuff like that. I just like to think they stop by because it's funny in here and I take aim at whoever's in the Oval Office. But the blog is made in the USA, gets no tax subsidies, and got nothing from the $80 billion IRS giveaway either. This blog should be noticed, in spite of its return to the laughable 7 visitors per day stat. The government funds everything else - why not this blog?

In closing:  still no left handed history month


Speaking of President Giveaway$220 billion is helping build US cleantech infrastructure. 

There is no amount of your tax dollars he can not give away. In fact, he's given away so many tax dollars that the giveaways are just piling mountains on top of the already obscene debt.



Appeals court reverses Texas ruling nullifying FDA approval of abortion pill

In other words, the pill is again legal. The governor is pissed, and ordered his female staff, that wasn't barefoot and pregnant, to walk 5 paces behind him. His retaliatory legislation will rescind female voting and make the bible mandatory in public schools (and on golf clubs).


 Are you visiting Canada? Don't pass up a cannot miss tourist spot: a food bank.

It's a great spot, at least according to Microsoft AI, which wrote an article about it.

The produce is fresh and plentiful and nothing looks like it came out the rear of a supermarket, past its due date.

Sometimes Microsoft is as funny as Tesla, neither on purpose


Speaking of Tesla....

Tesla knew Autopilot weakness killed a driver – and didn't fix it, engineers claim

Probably because Musk has no weaknesses either.


So Trump was found guilty and has to go to prison.

It's very interesting, considering what the other presidents have gotten away with. Most, if not all of them, should be jailed. But only Trump. I wonder how much of it is his own personality.  I figure either jail all of them or don't. LBJ, Clinton, Bush/Cheney, Obama should all be locked away, posthumously if necessary. It's too late to lock Biden up; he'd never realize it.

Speaking of which....

Pascale Ferrier jailed for 22 years for mailing Donald Trump ricin

Other countries can call us Ugly Americans all they want: this act proves these people are full of crap and overblown self-importance. If anybody is going to be sending Stuff to Trump, it damn well better be an American! The best part of this is, "I want to find peaceful means to achieve my goals." This person seems lacking in balance. And brains. She holds dual Canada/French citizenship. We don't have parades, flying Trudeau balloons, featuring him in his ex-wife's dresses - we don't need your 'help', thank you.


Transgender women banned from women's chess events

The International Chess Federation has temporarily banned trans women.
When reached for comment, the Federation said they were concerned about the arm and hand strength of transgender women being greater than average and able to move the pieces faster, as well as throw them farther. Their comparatively enhanced leg strength, it is claimed, would have them showing up early for all matches. This is the kind of thing we cannot have in international chess.

After the statement, the Federation continued drinking and snorting a white powder at the hotel bar, satisfied in the knowledge that Science would prove them correct. Or whatever.


Close to half of American adults favor TikTok ban, Reuters/Ipsos poll shows

I have to wonder who commissioned this poll. Asking the Great Unwashed what they think is never a good idea, especially in America, where some think it would be dandy to have slavery back. Other fine poll results:
  • Making Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton co-presidents
  • removing turn signals from cars so nobody will feel pressured to use them
  • Don't forget - the other half of American adults thinks it's their God-given right to post US secrets in TikTok and will do it whether or not it's illegal.
  • making stop signs optional
  • paying more taxes because it's our patriotic duty

Oh great - the local venue let me know I can get tickets for RuPaul's Night of the Living Drag. This isn't exactly a good guitar-based concert, so I'll pass.  But it sounds like something that would really *kill in the south, like Texas. *Or kill somebody..


  • Remember: there are only 2 ways to vote in the next presidential election... libertarian or the Green Pen. I'm leaning toward the pen myself.







Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Yeah, No.... I Know, Right?


Your love is like  deep fried hand tools



Questions... I have questions

Supply Chain Difficulties have gone away. Why haven't prices come down? 

Electric car owners: was there an increase in your home electric bill from charging the car?



Do you use Twitter/XTweetdeck is about to become a paid service.
What a bunch of total doodyheads [technical term]. Reddit killed most 3rd party access and now X will almost force you to use 3rd party apps (or, heaven forbid, the official app).

In totally unrelated news, millions took off to Lord Zuck's new social app, then promptly left.
Musk is lucky Twitter was so successful (before he purchased it).

In even more totally unrelated news, it was discovered that Twitter was inserting a 5 second delay to get to sites Musk doesn't like.



It's amazing what one discovers during long talks with family.
  1. We are in the top 10% in ear wax production. All of us.
  2. We also have huge penises (at least the guys do).


Cruise self-driving taxi gets wheels stuck in wet cement

Driverless cars are the future. Unfortunately we're the beta testers, just like Windows. This crap should not be unleashed upon the public until it's ready. It's clearly not ready.


DARPA wants interoperability standard for Moon living

In the spirit of progress, Comcast has announced Moon Business Internet Service. Only $2,000 per byte. No download or upload speeds promised or guaranteed. Comcast is looking into residential service, but will hold off until they figure out what they can get away with what would be fair.


New York city has banned TikTok on city-owned devices

Think about this for a moment: New York City banned Tik Tok after the federal government. New York voters are silly.


 

Oh, the Whining!

Bradley Cooper: Leonard Bernstein's family defend actor over Maestro nose row

This is killing me. Apparently Leonard Bernstein had a large proboscis and Bradley Cooper does not. So the effects people gave him a bigger nose for the movie.  The HUE and CRY was immediate - "reinforcing Jewish stereotypes!"

Dear SJWs

Did Leonard Bernstein have a big nose?  Yes.

Would a movie about Bernstein feature an actor with a big nose for reality's sake?  Yes.

Would a movie about Mohammed Ali feature a black actor, without claims of stereotyping or racism?  Yes. 

Go back home. Nothing to whine about here.

Remember: stereotypes do not appear from a vacuum.

 

A band called the Killers apologized after their front man referred to a Russian as Our Brother.

  • Because we're not interested in logic - just KILL KILL KILL. The Russian is their brother. The people of Russia did not insist on invading other countries, any more than the people of America insisted the NSA spy on other countries' data. It's never the people - it's the lunatics running things.


To cure a restless spell. the SJWs got Graham Linehan, writer of IT Crowd and Father Ted, thrown off a live event because of his statements about something or other, most likely transgender issues. I remember when I started going to comedy shows (before I started performing in them)... it never occurred to me to check the performers' statements or likes and dislikes on all topics to see if they needed to be thrown off the show.  Thinking back, I should have insisted all right handed comics be thrown off the show because they're backwards and that offends me.

Graham Linehan writes some hilarious shows. He's also a real asshole on social media. He apparently made some statements that pissed off some SJWs, Everybody... everybody can choose whether or not to see him live. Who the hell believes he should be canceled because of statements?  You no like? Then no see.

If you've never seen IT Crowd or Father Ted, make it your mission to do so. They're absolutely hilarious.




Microsoft may store your conversations with Bing if you're not an enterprise user

This means that anybody who uses Bing will have their conversations stored. Because you're not an enterprise user. Your data will be used to train AI, amongst other things.


 

Nikola recalls electric truck fleet over battery fires

How will I link this back to Elon Musk?

Well, the real Tesla was Nikola Tesla.

Teslas spontaneously burst into flames.

Now Nikolas spontaneously burst into flames.

Tesla is owned by Elon Musk 

Six degrees of Elon Musk.


Neuroscientists decoded a Pink Floyd song using people’s brain activity

This is both the coolest thing I've read in a year and the most frightening. Go to the link and you can hear what the brain produced. Of course this presupposes your brain shows any activity.

I'm holding out for Hendrix.


As of late 2022, Amazon's Alexa had reportedly lost the company $10 billion.

  • I'm so sad I can barely laugh my ass off
  • Amazon thought they'd make mountains of money from people purchasing from Amazon. Apparently people are more interested in turning their lights off and on.
  • The person in charge of this mega-lossy division just resigned.

 

US tourists stay in Eiffel Tower overnight while drunk - prosecutors

I don't understand why other countries hate us and call us Ugly Americans (this was even before Trump).  So we get drunk and sleep in a national treasure. France has a snotty culture that starts drinking wine in infancy. We happen to do it better and faster, like all things American. Bloody frogs.







Saturday, August 19, 2023

Inertia Costs Nothing


Your love is like   fuzzy coffee



Mars rover finds signs of seasonal floods

Greta Thunberg on way to Mars because 4 billion year old CLIMATE CHANGE!! 


 

K2: Climbers deny walking by dying sherpa in bid to break record

Climbers: We fully deny whatever we're accused of. We did not walk by a dying sherpa. If there were any sherpas there, we were assured they were already dead, or we probably would have stopped. If the place weren't so full of dying... errr... dead people, we would have made the record.


 

No More Windows: Indian Defense Services Are Switching to Linux

It continues to be time to discover other operating systems. That don't spy on you, are free, and you don't rent.


 

Biden administration: We never coerced Big Tech into suppressing speech

We might have told them not to allow certain speech, but we did not coerce them.

  • ALSO we did not reveal naps can sometimes last 22 hours
  • We can't tell the difference between a German Shepherd that attacks staff and an ICBM
  • Taking a whizz in Chinese food is not attacking China, Mr. President


ThermionicEmissions would like to thank American Airlines, which charges you for a wheelchair. And Las Vegas Airport, which didn't have any wheelchairs 'at the moment.' Keep up the good work, guys!


Pornhub Sues Texas Over Age Verification Law

Yes, Texas - the state that ate the internet. This ridiculous First Amendment slash would require a symbol on all adult websites. These people must be brought to bear for their own 'wickedness.'  Stop Nannying and have parents watch their own kids - filter if necessary (which also won't help). I don't know if we regular people have legal standing, but everyone concerned about their First Amendment rights should join the suit. We don't have to like it, but we have to have the right to say it (or look longingly at it). 


FCC fines robocaller a record $300M after blocking billions of their scam calls

They'll likely never see it, but this is a great symbolic win for the good guys (us).


NOTE to all women seeking breast implants:

  • The size of your implants isn't any business of anybody but yourself, although the largest ones are just comical. Especially when they stand up like two half-basketballs on your chest.
  • Just as anybody should pay for good tools, this is your body and you should pay for the best surgeon. If not, you wind up with nipples that look in different directions and surgical scars at the bottom of your breasts. These are unsightly and last forever. This is especially important for women who make their living with exposed breasts. These are your tools: use the best.
  • That is the end of ThermionicEmissions' public service announcements for this month.

COMMENTS 

If you have any comments or wish to attack my parentage or lack of skills, use the Comments section. You could just say hi. Send me a nastygram. Tell me you like the blog. Tell me you recommend it to piss people off. All I get is spam comments, which you won't see. If you have a private question, label it private, and it won't get published. Ask me stuff I can't possibly answer.  Thanks!



I really need to say something. Unfortunately I can't remember what it is. It was here last night and I knew it would fit in this space. Yes, at a certain point, I needed bifocals. Now I need a brain implant, or possibly a brain, depending on who you ask.



The other thing I didn't know I wanted to say was that ThermionicEmissions is approximately, nearly, around about 12 years old. Or certainly just about in its 12th year of existence. Still free. Still ad-free. Still slaving over a hot keyboard for you. Still in a design guaranteed to cause blindness. Now with even more sarcasm! Now that's value.

Tell your friends. And enemies.





And blow our enemies to smithereens, in thy mercy.


Wednesday, August 16, 2023

AI Flavored Chocolate Milk


Your love is like   Sprems - the new salt-flavored candy



This is why you never go outside

Car crashes into second floor of Pennsylvania home

driver: "I meant to do that."

Owners of house stand to make millions from insurance and the new Car Crash Amusement Park.


 Motorcyclist captured driving through powerful storm

Look up idiot in the dictionary and you'll see this guy's picture.  People died and a tornado watch was in effect, so this guy jumped on his bike with a few cameras.


Texas woman injured after hawk drops snake on her

You can't get an abortion in Texas, but you can get a snake dropped on you. It all evens out.



Back to Tory Lanez shooting Megan Thee Stallion... I am not familiar with either of them, but let's face it; I'm not a fan of rap (to be polite). It is definitely the sole 'art form' that has brought shootings with it. 

  • Didn't you ever hear about 1976's East Coast -West Coast feud between Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith? It amounted to nothing because they were so strung out on drugs, they couldn't hold a gun, no less aim it.
  • As we speak, Robert Plant mentions Greta Von Zeppelin. At some point in the next 6 months, one of the Gretas will be taken away by the police, outside of Plant's house, with a Molotov cocktail.
  • Before the Beastie Boys became a duo, they were hacking into Whitesnake's servers and planting ransomware. Whitesnake's data loss included the formula for Huge Hair. Fans of Whitesnake had a bout of cognitive dissonance over how a 60-some year old singer could have Heavy Metal Hair<tm>.
  • Black Sabbath were messing around over a cauldron, and reanimated the missing members of the Allman Brothers. Greg Allman spit his (3rd) liver at Ozzie and the 2 bands have been sniping at each other for years. Duane Allman called Ozzy 'a doddereing old man' and the rest of Sabbath reluctantly agreed.



Supreme Court allows Biden to regulate ‘ghost guns’

Let me see if I understand this: We have an inalienable right to own guns, but the Judicial branch of government allows the Executive branch to regulate them. Another day in the USA.

This is the heart of the Second Amendment: you're already guaranteed the right to keep and bear arms. Any regulation goes against the Constitution.

 

We need to be first on the Moon, uh, again, says NASA

It's deja-vu all over again. Except this time it's the Chinese, not the Russians. All we need is a president with a comical accent to announce it. 

NASA is afraid of the Chinese getting there first and establishing McDonalds. NASA is also afraid their funding will dry up if they're second and will have to put up Burger Kings.

  • But seriously, folks... Russia is sending a manned mission to the Moon, this time racing against India.
  • Namibia is sending a manned mission to Gambia
  • Pennsylvania seriously considered a manned mission to New Jersey, but realized thousands migrate there every weekend in summer. "Downa shoor"
  • People all over the world plan manned expeditions to Kentucky for bourbon. Nobody knows why.


Best headline: How is sign language adapting to climate change?


Video doorbells: Police embrace them but do they cut crime?

Create a product that will have people screaming to have their privacy shown the door.


I'm your AWB (Average White Boy), so nothing prepared me for people saying they were born in the wrong body or wanted a sex change. As a libertarian, I have no trouble with operations or feelings. I just like to know how things work, which is why I'm good with computers and electrocuting myself. But how can you understand this? I know I feel really bad for crossing genders, with all the little things one must learn. For instance, if you go from female to male, there are quite a lot of small things on which you must be schooled:

  • Your brain is now centrally-located; all your thinking goes on there.
  • Since the essence of your being is now in your center, you must celebrate it and constantly remind everyone of this by scratching your balls. Or someone's balls. Adjust yourself regularly. If you have any problems at first, dump some black pepper down there. It will keep your hands busy there all day.
  • Before you first turn on your tv, know the remote is YOURS. It does not go out of your reach. Only at special times will you let anyone else operate, or even hold it.
  • You are never wrong. But that didn't really change, did it?
  • Whenever an attractive female goes by, you must stop all conversation and point her out. Say what you would do to her. After a while, you can involve your penis, but it is always best to keep it out of sight. Police have no sense of humor.
  • When having sex, your pleasure is paramount. You will have to fake not knowing where her clitoris is. Just poke around wildly, or refuse to touch it, saying it's dirty. Grab whatever looks good as hard as you can - shell tell you if it hurts. Shrieking, crying, and hanging from the ceiling are good signs you might need to loosen your grip. If it matters.
  • All women are 3 input ladies - some just don't know it yet. Make it your job to enlighten them.
  • Twirling your hair, tilting your head, and whining will no longer work. Get over it. If all else fails, pull up your pants and grab your groin... it's universal. By the same token, those tiny lumps under your shirt will no longer get you a bloody thing, nor will anyone stare at them.

 

Astronomer Claims 'Direct Evidence' of Gravity Breaking Down (vice.com)

Now is the time to invest in duct tape!


Netflix: How did it know I was bi before I did?

Always consult Netflix, Amazon, and Google before any major life decisions. 



 



Sunday, August 13, 2023

Untitled Blog Posts are a Sign of a Sick Mind


Your love is like   having your brains pulled through your nose



Strongest Sign Yet Australia Heads Toward a Totally Cashless Society? (9news.com.au)

Pay attention.... bad things tend to start in Australia and England.


Mattress maker Tempur Sealy says it isolated tech system to contain cyber burglary

Hackers will be adjusting your mattress from across the world!  

 

Farage Tells Breitbart we are on the Verge of Banks Running ‘Word Checks’ on Customers Social Media

Banks are getting picky about whose money sits in their caverns. Maybe you made a negative post about something on Faceyspaces. Maybe you haven't been correct enough. Not diverse enough. Don't forget - certain banks refused to do business with adult entertainers. Just make sure you're 'good enough' to do business with banks. Or have no social media presence.



Violinist who played during brain surgery reunites with doctor

They had to remove much of her brain. She now plays banjo.  

 

Steering failures are Tesla’s new federal safety worry

It's been, what.. a week since the last Tesla failure? You at least have a choice - steering failure or steering wheel coming off. Some lucky customers will get both!  Steering failures were already mentioned... the car steered into police cars and random items.


I just watched the saddest thing.... the dog looking out the window, seeing her mommy get in the car and go somewhere. She's going on vacation and won't be back for days, which will have the dog staring out the window and pining for her. The vet gave us medicine for this. I feel so bad for her.

I feel bad for me too. Here I am, bachelor for days, and I have no babysitter. Shakira, Emilia Clarke, Linda Fiorentino, or Vanessa Hudgens will all do, but did anyone contact them? NO. I am entitled to a Vice Wife when the main wife goes away. Just like if the president cannot do his job (moreso) and the vice president steps in.


Megan Thee Stallion 'will never be the same' after being shot by Tory Lanez
  1. a stallion is a male horse
  2. Tory Lane is a pr0n star
ThermionicEmissions does not condone shooting anyone (unless they really deserve it).



Afghanistan: Taliban burn ‘immoral’ musical instruments

That wacky Taliban is at it again. This time they're after musical instruments. What exactly is an immoral musical instrument? Our intrepid researchers, some members of the Taliban itself, researched this:

  • any instrument touched by Cardio B
  • any drums used in a solo
  • Taylor Swift

Cops cuff pregnant woman for carjacking after facial recog gets it wrong, again

The fetus was behind it all.



I hate to say this, but it looks like businesses are coming to their senses: Chief Diversity Officers are heading for the exit doors. Perhaps recent rulings on racism have made them unnecessary. Whatever it is, the world has taken one small step toward sanity.  Except college campuses, which no doubt will be keeping their diversity officers, regardless of the law. UC Berkeley said their 27 CDOs will be repurposed to stand at all the doors and make sure no Jews enter the campus.

  • President Biden had a bad day yesterday: he was only able to give away $8 billion dollars.

Another multimillion dollar idea: an AI pen that converts writing into something legible, which will come out of the pen. As pen-sized as possible. The perfect pen for anybody with illegible writing or problems that prevent holding the pen or writing well.







Thursday, August 10, 2023

Children of a Lesser Blog


Your love is like  a 100 piece tuba band in your living room



Conversations with my Dog 

Me: Hey, why do you come down in the morning, see me in my office, then run back to bed?

Her: I'm just making sure you're up and working. I, for one, know where my treats come from.



Another large corporation that deserves a slow, painful torture session is Intuit, via its TurboTax.
I had to use Turbo Online in the past, because they don't make software for linux and I don't do Windows. It went smoothly, or so I thought. It took forever to get a piece of information to complete the return but we finally got it. Annnnnnnd Turbo couldn't find the return. It listed a return, but couldn't actually bring it up. I went to help, which wasn't. I called, which was yet another exercise in futility. The automated voice suggested I try online (where I just came from) to talk to a human.  Ok, I'll play, I thought. When I finally got to Talk to a Human prompt, Turbo told me I hadn't purchased the Live Human version, which I'd need to get to a human. I'd have to PAY because their software doesn't work. I don't need tax help - I need Turbo help.

If I drank heavily, I'd already be so blasted I could barely type. Mrs. lefty isn't far behind me.
If I did drugs, I'd be so blitzed I couldn't even dial to talk to them for a few days.
I could play the guitar, but annoying an entire block won't get my taxes done.

Why does this have to be so difficult? 

[little did I know, it would only go downhill from here...]

The tax return in question, which Turbo deleted, was listed, so I stupidly believed it existed. A nice phone help guy spent a lot of time helping convincing me the return was gone, blipped out, erased, not taking up space on their hard drives. The next day I got back in and managed to download a copy of the Great Invisible Return. However, no matter what I did, I couldn't get it to bring the return UP so I could finish it. I needed to print something, so my printer took that moment to tell me it had a media jam. I haven't printed 50 pages since I bought the damn thing, so it's not like the printer has worn out. I did everything the instructions told me to do and still there was no media jam (unless you count the one I wanted to jam up HP's buttocks for causing me this trouble). The directions said sometimes the media jam error stays on, but no worry - just take it to a local HP repair shop for a quick, expensive fix!

I gave up on directions and started poking around. Don't worry, I used nothing more dangerous than a flamethrower. I figured it would either burn the media jam or roast the jam sensor. I located a part with 2 screws. I unscrewed the left one and immediately dropped the screw into the printer. Shaking it, I heard nothing. So I went after the right screw, and perfectly recreated my screw-dropping, also with no sound when I shook it. Let no one say I'm not consistent.  So all I had to do was print about 50 pages of tax info to mail. With a disassembled printer (with scorch marks from the flamethrower).  We tried everything possible to send this return electronically, but Turbo kept laughing at me. Then Wife laughed at me. Then I yelled at wife. By 3am, we were all tired of failing and went to bed.

Just for fun, I hooked the printer up and tried again.
Yup, media jam had cleared.
So all I had to do to the printer was take it apart a few times, scream at it, scorch it with a flamethrower (or 2), drop 2 screws in it, threaten HP, and the thing printed like magic! So if you ever have trouble with your HP printer, follow the steps above and you'll be printing in no time!



Ah yes, Broadband Socialism, paid for with your tax dollars.



Every now and then I like to hear the horns announce that I did something special.
Like the other night, I went to bed before midnight all by myself, and Mrs. lefty didn't even have to read me a story.
So the big news is that just the other day, I put something away. By myself. With no prodding. 
We're not entirely sure if/when this happened before that day, but I'll take all the horns blasting I can get.
I just saw it there, thought for a second that it had been there a few weeks, then put it away.
I feel so accomplished, like I can do anything
Anything except put more things away.


The car freaked out on Wife the other day. It felt like it wasn't going to accelerate past 25 and it was taking forever to get there. It worked fine for me, but to be safe, off it went to the mechanic. We used to tithe to him, but buying newer cars knocked that down to 9%. The mechanic, a nice guy, said it was the knock sensor. Of course it was the knock sensor - how could I be so stupid?

WTF is a knock sensor?
Were the neighborhood kids knocking on the car's door and the car went into panic mode?
Is the gas we're using no good and the engine knocked?
Does it want me to knock on the door of the hottie on the next block?
This is why I stopped trying to fix cars.
Well, this and the fact that they were getting too sophisticated and I wasn't very good at it.

The fix was only $500. Only.
Oh yeah, further research shows sometimes you need a new engine. You know, small stuff. But it's ok - they come with a 10,000 mile warranty.

I don't do this often, but tonight I drink to you, readers of ThermionicEmissions.


There's been a terrible parachuting accident with my wife.

The chute worked



The incandescent light bulb still isn’t dead — but ‘normal’ ones are now truly banned

They will get my 200w Halogen bulbs when they rip them from my cold, dead fingers.
Remember: when you outlaw incandescent bulbs, only outlaws will have them.





 

Monday, August 7, 2023

You've Got Refried Beans on the Cat


Your love is like   old fish



We've already established ThermionicMansion is an odd place, and this is on top of its residents.
The other day in the bathroom I looked around, which is never a good idea. I kinda understood the hand drum.. an excuse could be made. If the cell phone's battery ran down, one could practice their hand drumming. Well, after it was removed from its box. Because being in a box assures the drum is always fresh and hygienic. I just don't get the tartar sauce. It too was in its container, assuring freshness and hygiene, but still... it was tartar sauce. Was someone likely to be eating fish sticks on the loo? And why tartar instead of cocktail sauce? That is by far not the weirdest thing that goes on at ThermionicMansion, but still... the bathroom is supposed to be more of an output function than an input function (like some women claim about their 'output device').

So why is there tartar sauce in the bathroom? Because if it's not an input function, the alternatives are borderline unthinkable. Diaper rash preventative for the dog? New soap scent? Air freshener? Ya know, sometimes it's ok to just turn your head and not deal with it, so that's what I'm going to do. Now, about the Camaro in the living room...



Borax is the new Tide Pods, and poison control experts are facepalming

Darwin's children are back, now eating detergent pods with borax flavor! Some put tobacco in their mouth, some laundry detergent. At least the detergent will keep their insides clean.  *Borax is good for treating carpets for fleas. Not sure about the taste. Keep watching TikTok - I'm sure there will be all sorts of great new ideas!


  • My buddy loves women who smoke cigars. He says if they smoke cigars, they'll put anything in their mouth. 

Hearing aids may cut risk of cognitive decline by nearly half

Will they help if you don't have any hearing problems?

 

RIP Sinead O'Connor (56)

I really did not like her musically. I obviously did not know her personally. She just struck me as damaged goods, looking for something. I hope she found it. Ripping up the pope's picture on tv was ballsy, funny, and a great statement against institutional child abuse - children's lives matter.


Eating sweet treat can cut risk of death by 10%, bombshell study finds

If I never bring you anything else of value, this is IT - CHOCOLATE!  Told you so!



Melting Swiss glacier uncovers climber missing since 1986

Yes, welcome to 2023's biggest sporting event: mapping and finding the dead bodies on the top 10 highest mountains in the world!
  • Extra points for identifying the body!
  • HINT: look for the shoe 
  • you can keep any ski gear you find, but clothing goes with the body
  • at no time are the contestants to use the phrase "freezing my ass off"
  • the idea is to find the bodies, NOT to bury the other contestants


FBI boss: Congress must renew Section 702 spy powers – that's how we get nearly all our cyber intel
  • Because if we don't pass the spying bill, the terrorists win
  • It's for the children 
  • We need the law to cover up our illegal spying
  • Think of all the crime we prevented - here's a list we made up


Where do you find Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix's guitars, Vader's helmet, and Captain Kirk's chair?

In Paul Allen's (RIP) collection and coming soon to a museum.

I really do need one of Jimi's Strats. Can anyone help?


Niger coup: Abdourahmane Tchiani declares himself leader

He could have saved himself a lot of trouble by just calling me first. You see, these things don't end well as a rule. For instance, I declared myself president in 1992, but where did it get me? It gets worse for others, who tend to 'go missing' or 'get shot'. Fleeing to another country is always an option, provided your plane does not experience a malfunction on the runway, due to automatic weapons fire, or the odd rocket-propelled grenade. Occupying the palace is always fun, until the surface to surface missiles 'redecorate' the place. The longest-seated leaders tend to come with CIA backing, but even their heads wind up on posts at the entrance to the city.

Incidentally, heads on posts is not effective with mice, flies, or particularly problematic neighborhood children. The kids just walk by on their way home to play violent video games.







Friday, August 4, 2023

She Spoke of the Second Coming. I Kept Doing What I Was Doing.


Your love is like  cirrhosis of the liver



It was a long time ago - I was a little kid, playing with friends. I watched my parents with their friends, sitting at the table and yacking away. I wondered how bored they must be, just sitting there, talking, It must be horrible.

The other night we were at my brother's house, having dinner. While consuming chocolate dessert that weighed more than my car battery, the kids ran off to play. We talked.

I realized I had become my parents.



I like looking at the blog stats. They're very confusing so occasionally I make stuff up.
I'm not making things up when I say the dominant operating system visiting the blog is linux. Go team! The dominant browser is Chrome. Regardless of your operating system and browser, thanks for coming by! 


  • My BFF is a grandfather. I have a dog.


This LiDAR-equipped 30-pound robot dog can be yours for $1,600
  • squirts lubricant on furniture
  • batteries explode like a Tesla
  • chases stuffed animals
  • only barks 25 times between charges

Just declassified: US senator caught up in Section 702 FBI surveillance dragnet

The FBI investigated itself and found itself not guilty.


The IRS is developing a free-to-file tax system. 

It's free to get screwed.

There are tens of millions of dollars being poured into Congress by..... wait for it.... HR Block and other tax preparation/filing software companies.

Where you pay to get screwed.

THIS is why America is great!


  • Thongs are related to swimwear: the price is inversely proportional to the amount of material used


In their mad dash to terrorize and demoralize their entire workforce, Amazon is demanding some corporate employees return to the office. In a different city

On the positive side, Amazon usually screws the hourly employees; this time it's Corporate! No favoritism at all. Next month Amazon will require delivery drivers to deliver in a different state.

It turns out that Bezos is horribly jealous of Musk, and the way he horrifies his employees. Bezos figures he won't be a proper billionaire until he properly screws over the people who work for him. Ok, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Nobody but the readers of ThermionicEmissions will know... there is no animosity between Bezos, Musk and Zuck. In fact they're all good buddies in their own special club. They have competitions to see how badly they can treat their employees til something happens. They learned it from the president of the club, Bill Gates (international war criminal for inflicting Windows upon the world).


Work Pr0n

  1. The hardest Drive
  2. LANtastic Ladies
  3. Turning Floppy Drives to Hard Drives
  4. Bigger Power Supplies are Better Power Supplies
  5. My Power Cord is Longer than Yours
  6. Suck My Pointer Nipple


AAAAAAAAAAAH... these people are driving me crazy. Ok, more crazy. It's work. And it's meetings. There is the morning scheduled meeting. Then the (work through) lunch meetings. Then the afternoon meetings. The boss requires a meeting before he does anything. This becomes even more unpleasant when he has to go to the bathroom: BATHROOM MEETING. He manages by consensus, so if we're ever feeling particularly prickly, we could advise him that today is a bad day to go to the bathroom. The funniest part is that since we work from home, he'll be staring right at his bathroom as we tell him he can't go. All day. MUHAHAHA.


Greta Thunberg carried away by police hours after fine

It turns out Greta's a really smart cookie. She goes nowhere under her own power.... she has the police pick her up and move her. Off to Aruba, Sarge!

 

Scientists Discover That Metals Heal Themselves in 'Astonishing' Breakthrough

Aliens.





 

Tuesday, August 1, 2023

We'll Blow Up that Bridge When We Come to It


Your love is like  a Tesla fire


Google’s new security pilot program will ban employee Internet access

Google also discovered that driving trucks is dangerous, so delivery people will now carry all boxes to their destination.


  • Hey Mom - what do I put for Father on the birth certificate?


Robert Kennedy Jr is moving fast with his presidential campaign. Strangely, he's getting a lot of support from republican politicians. Considering the success rate of people named Kennedy, he's either incredibly brave or incomprehensively stupid. Or simply suicidal.

Just recently he said he wants to back the dollar with Bitcoin.
Completely unrelated, John F. Kennedy wanted to go back to the gold standard for money. President Kennedy was beyond compare in making really powerful enemies.

Yup - suicidal.



AT&T says lead cables in Lake Tahoe “pose no danger” and should stay in place

AT&T maintains that the 200,000 miles of lead-covered cable is every bit as harmless as lead paint.



Surveillance World

This AI Watches Millions Of Cars Daily And Tells Cops If You’re Driving Like A Criminal

All conspiracy theorists told you this was coming. Every last one. And here it is... AI that can monitor your license plate, car, route, and manner in which the car is driven. Just think of all the possibilities! The fines! The monitoring! Selling your information to marketers (FB, Amazon). You ain't seen nothin' yet....


Here's a brief intro to the Surveillance State - the source and collectors of your data


Phone  --> cell provider --> marketing  --> police/FBI  (with or without warrant) --> NSA (semi-secret rooms that collect everything from carrier)

Vehicle --> every function recorded locally  --> sent to manufacturer  --> marketing  --> police/FBI  (with or without warrant)

Vehicle emergency system (On-Star) --> can listen as well as transmit --> emergency services -->  marketing --> police/FBI  (with or without warrant)

Remote Surveillance --> drones, planes, helicopters, plate readers, neighborhood cameras, doorbell cameras --> AI -->  police/FBI  (with or without warrant)

Social Media  --> your provider --> marketing --> FB/Amazon --> FB/Amazon marketing --> FB/Amazon selling your info --> data scrapers --> police/FBI  (with or without warrant) --> stored overseas so CIA can use loophole of not spying on Americans, as can other countries --> NSA -just assume it all winds up here - email, text, phone, fax, airline tickets, Real ID, etc.



IRS Moves Forward With a New Free-File Tax Return System

This will speed up taking your house



Police in Australia, frustrated by the lack of handgun crime, tazed a 95 year old dementia patient in a facility. She hit the floor, fractured her skull, and died of head trauma. The police said her treatment was 'grossly disproportionate.'

After we get done laughing at the threat posed to the police by a 95 year old lady with a walker and a knife, we should take a moment to look into this further. The lady refused to put down her 2 knives. She continued toward the police. First of all, the lady was obviously not in control of her faculties. Dementia does this to you. So how do you stop a 95 year old? I'd have to agree that tazing is a bit much, as are guns and rubber bullets, but police have to do something. These people are dangerous because they don't always live in the same world we do... she could perceive her housemates as a threat to her, hence the knives. This is a function of dementia. Police could have come up behind her, perhaps, and disarmed her. My friend's father was about 6'2", a gentle giant and a man of few words. Unfortunately he had to be institutionalized with dementia. At the facility, he picked up a person by their throat and had to go to a different facility. There was another patient who used to be a policeman, and people suffered at his hands.

The question is now twofold: how to subdue someone with Alzheimers who feels threatened and how to TREAT Alzheimers. There are now two drugs that show real promise, but my understanding is that all they do is slow the progress of the disease, and they have nasty side effects. We are so behind on dementia.


RIP Anthony Benedetto, aka Tony Bennett.

Frank Sinatra said he was the best. While I'm not crazy about the music, the man was a great singer. He appealed to many generations, moreso than any singer.



There's a bunch of stores nearby, arranged in a strange order, like almost 2 city blocks you walk around. Naturally they had to put up signs, so people could figure out what stores were there.
Yesterday I saw a sign that said "Shop Here, Live Here."  They built apartments on top of the shopping blocks. Yes, I need to live close to Sephora, so I can spend all my time there. I wonder what type of person lives in these apartments. It looks way more upscale than the surrounding neighborhood. Maybe the apartments are temporary housing for shoppers who have flown in expressly for the privilege of shopping there. I don't even know if it has a name....  Hey Honey, we're moving to Starbucks Plaza! 

I saw an article on greatest/largest malls in the country. Number 1 was the King of Prussia Mall, 45 minutes from Thermionic Mansion. They had to move entire Turnpike exits and state highways to go around it and handle the traffic. Around Christmas, the traffic backs up to the Turnpike exit! You have to wait 30 minutes in line before you pay the toll, no less figuring out where the mall is. There are signs, but just listen for the sound of cash registers. I had friends in that hood long ago.. I think it was a small, decrepit strip of shops. They turned it into King of Prussia Plaza, which was your basic mall. Then they added KofP Court. It had many of the same stores as the Plaza, but more snooty stores too. You had to cross a walking bridge over parking traffic to travel from one to the other. The really fun part was that the Plaza was not set up in any way that resembled reality. While a normal mall would be in an "I" or "H" shape, this was in a triple "Q" shape, with a couple of lines sticking out here and there. Basically you were lost the moment you entered the mall. Their 'maps' were printed up by Ikea, so your guesses were about as accurate as you were likely to get. And there were 2 floors, each with a different shape.

Nobody consulted me, but they did away with the 2 building getting lost concept and just built one humongous space, in which several football fields and landing strips for the new Boeing 888 plane fit. In fact, one can fly directly to the mall from most states. Philadelphia's airport code is PHL. The mall's code is 'LOST'. We were going to see the place one day, so I brought up a map online. This was the wrong thing to do, as it just proved that we were better going there and getting lost in-person, as opposed to getting lost with an online map. But it shur wuz pretty. It told you which stores were where, and let you rotate it to find stores you couldn't afford to even walk by. It never mentioned parking, but we figured it would be like the Plaza, where you circled the 1,200' lot for a few hours, until someone left, then there was a huge battle over who got the spot; fist fights, water hoses, and KY jelly were always involved. 

So you could find the names of the stores but as it turned out, not what they carried. "Bruce's" was one. Apparently you're supposed to guess what Bruce sells. Or just repeat the oft-used maxim: 'if you have to ask, you can't afford it.' I didn't recognize 3/4 of the stores, which means I couldn't afford their wares and shouldn't be allowed to purchase a ticket to let me into the mall (after the $50 parking fee - they think they're a football stadium). The names were all foo-foo, even if they didn't clue us into what they sold. There were probably stores that sold soap for the right half of your body, with the left side stores only in the Planet of California. Business bags made from the finest endangered species. Ladies' nose waxing. Only black shoes. Only green clothes. Custom furniture so expensive there were no samples in the store. Shoe stores entirely for one brand that your wife could never hope of affording, which turns out to be a good thing because they make your feet turn left at the arch. You realize that you can't even afford one of the shoes, and you'd require a 3rd mortgage for a pair. 

There were approximately three floors, except when there were four. There was also a parachute jumping range, but it looked a little low. This was borne out by the ambulance parked at the entrance to the store and all the broken pieces of people being carried out. When there was a ladies clothing store, it occupied all 3 floors, only there were no elevators or stairs. They still had a men's department; it was located in a sub-basement, just past the janitorial supplies, taking up about 4 square feet. This way it looked just like every other department store. Women have an entire aisle for fuzzy slippers, men have an end table for underwear (and pants).  Naturally there were several Apple stores. I have to avoid these because if I pass too close to one, my skin starts to burn, which in turn sets off the mall's smoke detectors, after which we play Water Hose Games with the kids. We don't have kids, so we had to go to the kiosk to rent some. I had no idea kids were that expensive.

If they had apartments on top of this mall, I have nieces who would immediately move there. I suspect one of them already lives in the mall, but nobody knows where. If I were to guess, I'd try the shoe stores. No, wait... those horribly expensive pocketbooks - what's it called... Roach!

Strangely, we decided to stay home.
I think it was a wise choice.