My Service Elephant has Coronavirus

Thirdhand smoke wafting off moviegoers hurts air quality in theaters

Thirdhand smoke? Is that the smoke by the candy stand?

When was the last time you saw someone smoke at the movies?

UPDATE: Are you ready? Thirdhand smoke is the residue of smoke left on coats and clothes. Think of the benefits... you can smoke without smoking! Just go to a theater and inhale. You'll still get cancer, but at least you didn't have to light anything.

• You can now jailbreak an iPhone with an Android phone
• No, I did not write that headline.

Linspire 8.7 Is Trying to Persuade More Windows Users to Use Linux

I'd recommend Xubuntu, but take a look.

• Harvey Weinstein moved to jail after heart surgery
• Yeah, sure. Convenient walker, convenient heart surgery. Upcoming: convenient AIDS. His entire body is failing before prison - this is unprecedented. And shocking! He's trying to escape, one piece at a time.

SJW Speakings

Described as a horror drama, Antebellum tells the story of a 'modern-day social activist who finds herself traveling back in time to the 1800s.' It's Blog Gold here at ThermionicEmissions.

• The citizens immediately institutionalize her because she has green hair.
• They burn her at the stake, because she has a bone through her nose.
• She gets wooden teeth! Every time she says something about women running things, people hit her in the mouth with a 2x4.
• Her sex life is exactly like it was in 2020: even her fellow inmates think she's too crazy to have sex with.
• frequently accused of being a weird man
• her fellow inmates at the Happy Place<tm> keep asking who Hillary is and why women should vote for her. Also, what is vote?
• Insists that women are just as crazy as men, so why aren't there more women in the Loony Bin?
• Never makes it back to 2020 because she was killed after trying to explain that men can have periods too.

We went out for dinner just for fun. Usually this involves people dying (and we hoped it wasn't us). As we walked in, there were ladies handing out roses for Women's Day.
Women's Day?
I couldn't hear the explanation because of the blood boiling in my ears. She refused to give me a rose. I told her I identify as a woman, and can get pregnant like a woman, and even menna... minister... mennistrate..... but she did not recognize me as a woman. Next weekend we're picketing the place. I'm bringing in the Ladies Guild: at the front of the march will be 20 very large women with facial hair and signs, demanding gender equality. And free food.

• Alanis Morissette's debut - Jagged Little Pill, is 25 years old.
• And still sounds like a cat having an operation without anesthetic

Ya know Virgin Media? A data breach exposed 900,000 customers' info.

In other words, a breach made them Virgin no more.

• Microsoft, Faceyspaces, Amazon workers told to stay home because of coronavirus
• And because nobody likes them 

Special Coronavirus Coverage

The coronavirus has spread to Venice, California.
Governor Newsom is passing a law against it.

Speaking of coronavirus, we have it locally now. 

Why?

Because some idiot who has it attended a function. 5 schools are closed.

They need to jail this person, but I have it on good authority that you can't arrest someone for excessive stupidity.

Some local groups have canceled weekly meetings, claiming there are cases closeby.

People are going insane in stores, like they do here when 1/4" of snow is forecast: they buy all the bread and milk. Now they're buying masks and flu medicines. And condoms, because you gotta do something while you're stuck inside.


There has never been a better time to have some strange neuroses, especially with coronavirus running rampant, like Congress running to vote itself a pay raise.

• Agoraphobes are now being celebrated - they don't leave the house!
• Germphobes take all sorts of precautions and never shake hands.
• Obsessive Compulsive hand-washers are now being recognized as The Neurosis to Have, according to Time Magazine.
• The paranoid wear masks so no one knows who they are. Now they blend right in. Plus facial recognition doesn't work with masks.
• The depressed don't feel like getting out of bed anyway.
• The bipolars are running to the store to buy everything, but.. they're... probably.. gonna... stay...in...bed... for.... a...while.
• The schizophrenics don't go out because they're having a perfectly nice conversation. With the front door.

Today I identify as   a 5 day Postal Service delivery box that costs $24.99 to mail across town.

• I asked Wife why coronavirus doesn't attack the eyes.
• She said nothing.
• I asked again.
• She said nothing again.
• I think she's onto me.

Most people are in PANIC mode, not helped at all by the 24 hour TV/Radio/News/social media barrage. It's quite frankly not fair. Nobody talks about the Good that the virus will bring

• you will finally be able to get a seat at that restaurant (although you'll probably be ignored for 30 minutes when you first enter)
• there will be no traffic at all, when you paint CORONAVIRUS on your car
• while police and fire get right of way, World Health Organization will always get in first
• there will be a coronavirus baby boom, but the kids won't know what that means
• there will be a divorce boom, after husband and wife are forced to be in the same house for a few weeks

• I just discovered I'm dyslexic. Mrs lefty asked me how it took so many years to figure this out.
• Because I see the year 2020 and read it as 1970.

In the time I have had my last 2 phones, my dear wife has had only one. The screen is cracked (in letters that spell her name). The case resembles a pair of jeans that just gave up and keeps ripping itself, hoping its owner will finally develop sense and throw it out. I think it has encephalitis: it randomly changes account pictures and phone numbers, so you never know who you're dialing. This week, I'm Dr lefty Giancanna, with a picture of her sister's dog. Nobody in or out of the phone industry has ever seen this before. It's not a virus.

Normally this would not bother me at all.
But this is my house we're talking about. The phone rings only when I need to be undisturbed. Mrs lefty sets an alarm when she takes a nap. I know this because the alarm goes off 6 times because the phone was left near me, not taken to the bedroom. She has alarms set to remind her there are alarms set.

The worst, and I mean worst, thing about the phone is that it randomly changes ringtone. I made her a bunch of ringtones from her favorite songs, guaranteeing we'll never hear any of them. The current tone sounds like... stay with me for a moment... take a set of stairs, with about 20 steps. Line up a marching band, complete with instruments, 2 per step. Push the top person down, starting a domino effect, taking the rest of them down, one step at a time. If anyone doesn't fall over, the second set of marchers will go down, so we'll have several lines of marching band, falling down the steps, playing their instruments.

And that's what the ringtone sounds like.

• Before we invented civilization, the White House area was nothing but swampland. Since we upgraded civilization, the White House is a beautiful building, occupied by mud, mosquitos, and lethal parasites.

We got one of those horrible noise alerts coming from our phones the other day. We hoped it was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, because those are cool. It turned out to be a serious weather warning: EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. REPEAT - EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. Keep small children inside and use plenty of sunscreen, especially if you're walking to your car.

Fortunately we had a Family Plan, so after we got done yelling PANIC PANIC, we consulted the family plan. We just got done spending two days in the basement, where it was cold and dark, like every other day. That was a close one.

Cat Urine as Cat Soap

I don't want you to take what I say as gospel. I'd prefer that you take it as a starting point to do your own research. Toward that end, a great reading room is The Black Vault. Owner John Greenwald, at a young age, discovered the Freedom of Information Act. He became a real star at getting official government documents - all legal.

John has an unbelievable vault of these FOIA documents... UFO, declassified, unknown, message forums.  I strongly urge you to take a look. Remember: this is not opinion.... this is official government documents.




Dear lefty

• Where do you come up with this shit?
• Where do you come up with that alleged mustache?

Using drag queens to unite communities (in Serbia and Kosovo).
Imagine a world where Israeli drag queens dance openly with Palestinian drag queens. Where normal drag queens perform with SJW drag queens (they're already in costume). Where national news drag queens mince it up with Fox drag queens. Where Trump-supporting drag queens perform with Trump-hating drag queens (let's not push it).

• Brain waves common during sleep also show up in awake sheep.
• So stop diddling sheep- this is your final warning.

Today I identify as   a hose that I ran over with the lawnmower

• I never thought I'd be typing this, but there's another Microsoft update with another bug. Win 10 KB4535996 (optional) has been causing Blue Screen of Death, random freezes, and other performance issues. Also failed installs and sound issues.

Hey, remember that Walgreens was putting together an in-store ad system that profiled you? Their app was just found to allow users to access other users' information. Yet another great reason to avoid Walgreens. And store apps, of course.

• I have sensations in my breasts again!
• The woman was a good candidate for breast cancer, so she had a protective double mastectomy. A new surgery allowed feeling in her reconstructed breasts. This was also a factor with implants, but has gotten better.
• You thought I was going to go wild on this, didn't you?
• I would never make fun of an area so close to my (and her) heart.

British sisters campaign against gender-based street harassment, modeled on a French law.

I would tell them to go f- themselves, but that's already illegal in Britain.

These sisters are what we call useful idiots: they help the state's campaign to limit rights/speech/whatever else.

Britain already has draconian limits on speech, especially compared to us fat, obnoxious Americans. One of the worst things you can do is racially harass someone, followed by saying f-. You can literally be locked up for 'disturbing public order.' Not happy with that, you can also be reported for doing this online. These useful idiots are just helping the assault on free speech in their native country. Understand that freedom of speech is moreso a concept (Britain), as opposed to being guaranteed (US), so it's easier to gut it. Since it's gender-based, it would appear that it does not apply to women 'harassing' men.

• GoodRx stops sharing personal medical data with Google, Faceyspaces. They got caught by Consumer Reports and swore to do better (not get caught again). Betcha didn't know they did, eh?  Time to let them know how you feel. HIPAA does not protect your data in this case! If you look at the blog post, they haven't exactly stopped sharing...
•  +1 855 268 2822 is the customer support number. You can email them at https://www.complaintsboard.com/goodrx-b124007

SETI@home gives it up after 21 years - "Reached a point of diminishing returns."

Really? Who coulda seen that coming?

Looking around for random signals over 21 years and finding exactly one false alarm. In business, this would've been a loser in under a year.

I believe this was a convenient distraction.

If you're looking for life elsewhere, you'd have a better chance of finding something interesting on whatever those things are that fly in ways our technology can't.  I'm not saying what they'll find, but they're way more likely to discover something interesting than listening for signals with radio telescopes. Seth Shostak, SETI's Grand Ambassador, is part of the Denial Squad: a number of people trotted out every time there's a sighting, to say it's an easily-explainable event (swamp gas, anyone?).

Oddly: Help cure coronavirus with your PC's leftover processing power.

The lastest AMD processor is called the Threadripper.

That's kinda harsh.

Nobody asked me for help in naming their chips...

• Brainsucker
• Pancreas Puller
• Eyebrow Threader
• Nipple Extruder
• Ball Kicker

Protein discovered inside a metiorite

Coronavirus!

• Simple systems have less downtime
• We can all make a lot of money with studies like this 
• Smaller cars use less gas
• Electric cars use more electricity
• Breathing extends like of test subjects

So it's been a bad day.

In pops the dog, jumping up to see if I'm ok.

She looks at me, signals she wants to give me a kiss.

I bend down and urrrrrrrrrrp, she burps in my face.

Dogs are sometimes a metaphor for life.

• Microsoft Reveals a New Design for the Windows 10 Start Menu
• "We prefer to keep our customers guessing"

Remember Fruit Loops? Why?

Making a more accurate pregnancy test for humpback whales.
YOU be the one to put the damn condoms on.



Know what I hate?
Everything.

• Drivers of expensive cars less likely to yield for pedestrians, study finds
• Is this supposed to be a surprise? Give me the money and I'll give you a study about how air is likely to cause breathing.

New AMD supercomputers will help NOAA predict the weather.

Yeah, but can they train it to be wrong every day, like the people on tv?

• Timex is releasing a GPS smartwatch with 25 days of battery life
• Don't you already get solid spying with Faceyspaces?

Uber tweaks its app to improve those pesky pickups

Also provides prison record of driver and whether you're more likely to get assaulted or murdered.

New wifi vulnerability only affects over a billion devices. Not to worry.

Unpatched security flaws open connected vacuum to takeover

Internet of Flaws for me, please. A huge frickin slow motion train wreck.

• Faceyspaces once built a phone that could only be used by right handed people
• Death is too good for them.

Speaking of Phrases You'll Never hear, I heard this in a meeting today:
"Oh, good, lefty's here!"



Today I identify as   a weather-worn, dilapidated fence post.

• Boeing acknowledges "gaps" in its Starliner software testing.
• Boeing is going to acknowledge "gaps" in its ticket sales.

If you've ever awakened on a weekend and said to yourself, "I could really enjoy designing some shirts," and who among us hasn't, here's the site for you.

• Yes, recycling plants are catching on fire, and lithium-ion batteries are to blame.
• I can't imagine why, with all the cell phones and electric cars. Within a few years, the greatest hobby will be going to recycling plants and waiting til they explode. Extra points for predicting the right one.

Yes, Hillary Clinton will soon have a podcast, too, like the Obamas and Rick Cruz,
But will it eat babies too?

• Today in irony: Clearview AI, who slurps up everyone's data and does facial recognition, was hacked. In fact, it lost its entire list of clients to hackers.
• Please do not mistake the loud cheering for sympathy.

Ubuntu 20.04 default wallpaper revealed!

Holy fuck, Batman - I've been waiting months for this! Can you imagine? I may not sleep til it hits my computer.

These are the same people who got sexually aroused when they found out they could change their phone's bootup animation.

• Any regular reader of ThermionicEmissions, their children, and various pets know about my feelings for rap/hip-hop. Today I read that Public Enemy (formerly Public Enema) has parted ways with Flavor Flav (real name Marvin Grossman), over a rally for Bernie Sanders. The 'band' said Flav (real name Harry Belafonte) refused to perform for free, citing Bernie Sanders' mantra that everything will be free when he's president. Flav (real name Chandra Wasigvvtghasingh) discovered he's really a republican, after being asked to perform for free. Flav (real name Epigastric Coronavirus) is the rapper on the right, with the hubcap hanging around his neck.
• Founding member Chuck D (real name Eunice Dubrowski) had the only wise words of the day, in spite of being at a Bernie Sanders (real name Ronald Reagan) rally: "Voting is [as] important as washing your ass in the morning."
• Asked for a response, Bernie Sanders (real name Old Transvestite) said, "When I am president, washing your ass in the morning will be free."

I am a huge fan of JFK. Not for his achievements, not because of his assassination, but because of his exceedingly comical accent. We haven't had an exceedingly comical accent in the White House since. I wish to make clear that Bernie Sanders' accent is nowhere near comical enough to walk by the White House.

• Faceyspaces is suing data analytics firm OneAudience for developing a software development kit that spies on its users. Reached for comment, Faceyspaces said, "If there is any spying to be done, Faceyspaces will do it."
• Faceyspaces privacy tools are riddled with missing data. We here at ThermionicEmissions are shocked.

Coming up is Rare Disease Day.

So go out and get yourself a rare disease. One that science can't cure.

• How streaming music services saved the industry
• I guess no one thought about putting out quality music....

lefty's Libertarian Minute

Congress is giving small ISPs $1 billion to rip out Huawei and ZTE network gear.  I was the one who said DC (and the entire country) should rip out Huawei network equipment. If you're on a secure network, it ain't secure with Huawei gear. Now we (it's your tax money) are spending $1 billion to bail out small ISPs. I never really studied economics, but I don't think this is how it is supposed to work. We bailed out the auto industry, which we shouldn't. We help the poor sports team owners build stadiums. Where is our bailout? It should come in the form of greatly reduced taxes. Taxes that won't allow Congress to give out a billion here, ten billion there, and even more in foreign aid. If Congress wanted to set up a fund, to which whoever wants to can contribute, that's perfectly ok. This is Bernie-itis: free bailouts! Free money! 

Nothing is free, Bernie.. it all comes from the people.

Styrofoam Does Not Make Good Underwear

Doctors are warning people not to put frozen potatoes in their anus
No, it's for hemorrhoids - really!
I ran this past Mrs lefty, who immediately agreed that this would be good for hemorrhoids. There has got to be a name for this... tuberphile?


New Opera browser review - Ars Technica
Remember - it's owned by a Chinese company

• Apple won't let bad guys use iDevices in movies.
• Suggest not letting anybody use iDevices in movies

Look - an open source Ebike!
for an open source heart attack

• Scientists find the first ever animal that doesn't need oxygen to survive
• likely found at recent debates

It's been damn near 3 posts since I roasted Mrs lefty, so I'm overdue.
After really rather a lot of marriage, I start to notice things. No one has ever accused me of picking stuff up quickly. There's a certain series of events required for sleep every night.

• Up the steps to bed
• 5 minutes later: back downstairs because some unthinking bastard (not me) did not get her a drink. I don't know about you, but there is only one thing to do when I hit the bed. Ok, two things, but we've been married a long time.
• 20 minutes later: I can't sleep. The dog keeps jumping on my head. Turns on tv, falls over, asleep.
• I'm nothing if not helpful: Maybe you should sleep in bed?
• I can't.
• Back up steps.
• 30 minutes later: I can't sleep.
• What is it this time?
• Monsters!
• There are no monsters in your room.
• How do you know?
• Because the dog guards you.
• Oh. (back up steps)
• 3 minutes later: but what if she doesn't see the monsters?
• She has a very sensitive nose - she can sniff out anything.
• I'm hungry.
• You might want to try actually sleeping, as opposed to eating, drinking, and the Pajama Parties.
• But I was hungry. (this can only mean 1 thing: crumbs in bed. on my side)
• I am sooo tired.
• You should go to bed then.
• Ok.
• 2 minutes later: boom, thud, BOOM, crash, spill, POW! BIFF!
• 20 minutes later: I can't sleep.
• What were those noises - moving furniture?
• I was doing a little cleaning.
• Weren't you going to bed because you were finally tired?
• Yeah, but stuff had to be done.
• We are now 3 hours into 'I'm going to bed' and not a single wink was had.
• Ok, it's my turn. I'm coming to bed. Honey?
• Yes?
• I'm not sure, but I don't think it's a good thing to sleep 3" over your pillow.
• I'm not doing that.
• Yes you are - I'm watching you right now.
• I don't do that anymore.
• Well then, you better tell your head that.
• Why do I do that?
• If I had M.D. after my name, we'd live in a much nicer house. Good night.
• Honey?
• Yes, Dear?
• I'm not tired.

Mrs lefty's father tortured her when she was little. She'd be upstairs and he'd yell for her... she comes down and ask what he wants. He says change the channel. So they were the first family on the block with a remote channel changer for their tv.

I mention this because I'm not done with the wife yet.
The Bed Routine extends to going out.

• I'm going out - see you later.
• Have fun.
• Yeah, right. (leaves)
• 5...4...3...2...1... knock knock
• Why it's Wife, who forgot something.
• I forgot my pocketbook.
• Yes, Dear.  
• I'm leaving again.
• Til it's time to come home?
• Yes. Why do you always ask me this?
• Never mind - have a good time.
• 5 minutes: knock knock
• It's Wife. Again. I forgot the package I was supposed to take over today.
• 5: minutes later: knock knock
• Do I have my shopping list? Can I borrow your service elephant?
• I don't know - can you? The last time you borrowed Iqbal, you left him in the back seat and he needed a service dog for a year.

Then it hits me: we are the first family on the block with a remote door opener.

The NSA's phone spying cost $100 million and yielded one major investigation.

Where else can you spend that much for the privilege of violating Search and Seizure?

• Just in case you were planning on doing any prosecuting, the wear patterns of jeans aren't good forensic evidence.
• Unrelated: 4,000 pairs of jeans for sale

• Try not to get too excited - here's the 2020 Libertarian debate

Work has procured an interesting box. I have only seen it a few times, but I log into it. This week I log in, and it tells me I'm logged out and to log in again. Why do I have to log into a box for it to tell me I'm logged out? I keep wondering if this thing says Microsoft somewhere on the box.

• It's astounding, how medical care has gone down the toilet. Just the other day, my smartass doctor revealed that he knows precious little. It turns out he had never heard of clown porn, or my personal favorite, hamster porn.
• To add insult to injury, he told me about the time he and his wife....
• No. Just no.

If I led a boring life, there would be no ThermionicEmissions.

Weather forecasts have performed their seasonal change to spring/summer. This means any trace of sun has whisked itself south, and we have one of 2 possible forecasts: gray or brown. It hasn't snowed more than a few flakes this winter. Whether this is global warming or something else, I'll take it. Meanwhile, window treatment sales in the state have ground to a halt. The People's Republic of Pennsylvania is voting on providing assistance to curtain manufacturers. People aren't even bothering to open the curtains in the morning - they can't bear to see another gray or brown. Today it's gray, with rain. If one were to describe our (alleged) climate, it would be gray, with rain. 

Usually it is guaranteed to rain on one of 2 days of the week, if not more: these would be the night I put the trash bins out or the next day, when I bring them in. This has happened, without fail, for years. If you relied on this for the weather forecast, you'd be more accurate than official weather forecasters - the only group that gets paid a lot of money to be wrong (Congress aside).

• ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce, because it just learned math, that we have been around on this platform for 9 years. 9 years. 9 years of merry hijinks, wacky adventures, hilarious misadventures, and proof that the universe really can have it out personally for someone.
• As we often say, this is simply the documentation of one oddball's descent into insanity.
• They told me to go to therapy. After 15 years, I decided to give it a try. Do you have any idea what it's like to come into an office to find your therapist has hanged himself, rather than see you for an appointment?
• Do you have any idea what this is like when it happens ten times? Perhaps therapy isn't for me. Mrs lefty suggests a different type of therapy, but it involves application of electricity to the temples and sounds painful. On the other hand, it would be the first time I've ever awakened refreshed.

Today I identify as   Elizabeth Warren

I have a lot of fun at the expense of our lives, but don't ever think for a moment that I don't appreciate Mrs lefty. She's a hero. Having suffered childhood abuse, gotten Dissociate Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder) from the abuse, adding in horrible back issues and fibromyalgia, she's a hero to everyone around. She doesn't complain (except about me, but I would too) and always leaps out to help anybody. She's a mentor to family, because Aunt lefty is crazy, so she knows how to help the slightly less crazy. Who knows how I got so lucky...

• Bored? Really bored?  Go to Firefox extensions and add Trace. This will show you what's actually going on with the current page; who's tracking you, and helps you avoid them.

More on Vagina-Scented Candles

After giving vagina-scented candles some more thought, I am (almost) ashamed to admit that I'd buy one. Not Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina - but her company could be bigger than Amazon if she offered them in 'flavors'.

Emilia Clarke

Vanessa Hudgens

Adriana Lima

Mila Kunis

The only problem is how to explain this to your wife...
Just tell her it's her scent...




Dear lefty:

• Why are you so negative?
• Why are you so positive?

• Win 10 privacy guide: settings everyone should use
• IRS tax-saving tips everyone should use..

Extreme Geeking:
Would Star Trek's transporters kill and replace you?

Stop being so offended by everything. You’re embarrassing us in front of aliens.    @avianwordland

Google Chrome privacy concerns
I'll save you the trouble: do NOT use anything with Google in front of it. If you must use it, use Iridium Browser. It's a much safer, de-Googled Chrome, available for Windows, Mac, and linux

• In a long-awaited Up Yours, Indiana Chief Justice Loretta Rush ruled that removing a small unmarked (tracking) device from your car isn't theft.
• This occurred after a man 'stole' the unmarked tracker from his car, via removing it. Warrant thrown out.

Did you know you can cook the perfect fried rice with your phone?
It's true - pick up your phone and call for some fried rice.

• Intuit is buying Credit Karma
• What could possibly go wrong (with your data)?

TOLD YOU SO

Oversight subcommittee seeks information about Ring's agreements with police and local governments. Your doorbell video, police acquisition, and sales.


Airbnb just launched new surveillance bugs to make sure guests behave.
We call them spy cameras. How long til the footage finds its way to Pornhub?

Google faces state lawsuit alleging misuse of schoolkids' private data.
I spoke to a mother whose kids attend school, using 'free' Chromebooks. I explained the risk. Her eyes glazed over and she said "So what?". Start the kids off young.

Smart speakers mistakenly eavesdrop up to 19 times a day.
This is an outrage. The correct number is always.
Good readers - you pay to put these devices in your home.




Today I identify as   chocolate pudding


Coronavirus outbreak has 'pendemic poteltial' but it's not there yet, according to the WHO.    Coronavirus is sad and feels inadequate.

Speaking of sad, ScienceNews tells us how scientists wrestle with grief over climate change.     Climate Change should start a support group with Coronavirus.


The Defense Information Systems Agency exposed personal information of government employees, including social security numbers. The DISA is in charge of managing communications for the White House.   Feel secured now?

• Just Announced-in concert: the Sad Summer Festival
• Sounds uplifting 

Greetings to new visitors from Myanmar and Turkimenistan.
I welcome everybody, but have you noticed that we don't get visitors from Chad and UAE?


Since (I assume) no one has done any studies on this sort of thing, I was wondering...

• What is porn like in different countries with different politics or social structures? Some is.... different.
• Why is (simulated) incest so popular in porn?
• Most importantly, who owns all the expensive guitars and amps in the background of some movies?

The Emotet virus returns. Hooks up with the coronavirus. Killer duo.
PANIC!

I've Got a Budgie in my Rhinocerous

A California man was served with a restraining order for 'stalking' Apple CEO Tim Cook.  All was forgiven after it was discovered the man was just an Apple Fanboi, who was begging for Cook to introduce a phone costing less than the Gross National Product of Saudi Arabia. The man was tackled and beaten senseless by other Fanbois, who insisted on paying that kind of money for a phone, allowing them to feel even more superior to android users.



How big companies buy credit card data on millions of Americans
meh - it's only your data - nothing to see here

• Why does this spellchecker know Wimbledon but not internet?

Dear lefty:

• Did you see the Democratic debate?
• No - let me guess: it will cost us lots of money
• Did you see the Republican debate?
• No, was Trump tweeting at himself again?

No, really, I just couldn't make myself watch it.
But let me give you the probable highlights:

• Bernie promised more Free Stuff, including funerals, food, and fornicating
• Bloomberg thought he was the smartest in the room, and never failed to tell  everyone
• Warren identified as smart
• There was a 20 minute argument over how to pronounce Buttigieg
• No one can name the others

The upcoming olympics have changed in the wake of the coronavirus PANDEMIC SCARE RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Rather than risk the athletes' health, the Olympic Committee has ruled that the olympics will go on, with each team performing in their home stadium. The committee apologizes in advance for the lack of amusing possibilities, like javelins impaling other throwers, runners tripping other runners, and the Arizona Bobsled team, which is still looking for a practice facility.



Lambda’s claim, reproduced on its website, that “86% of Lambda School graduates are hired within 6 months and make over $50k a year”

In a section warning that student-debt collections may prove too low, it matter-of-factly states that, “We’re at roughly 50% placement for cohorts that are 6 months graduated.”

Founder defends by saying he liked the higher numbers better.

• ".... she even showed fans how to thread her eyebrows"
• Do not try this at home, guys.

Today I identify as  the dead animal on top of Liberace's head



IRS sues Faceyspaces for $9B, says company offshored profits to Ireland

Lord Zuck appears before Congress again, gets total down to $10.

• Did you know the whale is not a fish?  It is an insect
• Speaking of insects, have dinner at the Frog and Peach
• Peter Cook was a genius and one of my favorites. Watch how he cracks Dudley Moore up. It was a hobby of his.

Barclays installed "Big Brother" software to monitor employees.
"Avoid breaks", "Not enough time in the zone yesterday."
My employer uses this software too. To make sure we're not sleeping.

• McDonald's to sell Quarter Pounder scented candles
• not expected to outsell vagina-scented candles

Speaking of vagina-scented candles, I aim to bring you all the vagina-scented candle news that you can use:

• here's a headline you can't make up: Elton John loves Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle. No. He. Does. Not.
• Erykah Badu's (real name Jamie Goldstein) vagina-scented incense sold out. She explains this to her children as marketing genius - not pussy perfume.
• Gwyneth Paltrow shares the story behind the vagina candle. When asked if the scent is hers, she winks slyly.
• Martha Stewart mocked Gwyneth Paltrow's candle, saying she wouldn't buy it. The 78 year old is holding out for 78 year old Sylvester Stallone's "Hey - this is my dick" candle. Elton John also expressed interest, as did most of the cast of cooking and dress shows.
• Little is known about Gwyneth Paltrow's next product because she's waiting til the Vagina-Furor dies down. The new product is Do It Yourself Vagina-Scented Candle Kit. It is aimed squarely at teens, who have that Do It Yourself ethos. Designed to be a lower cost alternative, the Kit costs $437, as opposed to the original's $99.99. When asked why the lower-priced alternative is over 4 times the original's price, Ms Paltrow stated that it comes with a video camera to tape the scenting of the candle, because teens have to take video of everything going into their vaginas and post it online.
• Also not released was the list of other candles that never made it to market: Smells Like My Ass candle, Athlete's Crotch candle, Clint Eastwood - Do You Feel Lucky candle - guess what the scent is, and an Elizabeth Warren candle, that identifies as a baseball bat.

Heroes of the Stupid

This exactly why some dudes be turning gay..it’s cool to show your son how to be a man but in some ways u gota hate yo pops a lil bit. When somebody shows u affection u start to love them. Your son might see something in u to make him like men. All it take is [heartbreak] or the wrong fem.

Google is cutting down on android apps that track your location in the background.  Because our tracking is the only tracking.

A group of black Israelites, managed to convince a desperate white couple to kiss their boots to apologise for slavery. They think this is helping black people.
Hang on... black Israelites? Asian basketballers? Jewish nazis? Black yachtsmen? Scotsmen at Wimbledon?

Doctors should be able to write prescriptions for housing the same way they do for insulin or antibiotics.  - Gavin Newsom, Gov CA

ThermionicEmissions celebrates Week 4 of the Missing Spellchekr. Google?

SJW Slather  

How straight 'bromances' harm the LGBTQ12345+ community.

How toxic masculinity limits men's options for expressing friendship....

Today, in a room full of cybersecurity professionals, there are still more people called Steve that there are women.

Google AI no longer uses gender binary tags on images of people
Working on 'asshole' tag

A new National Geographic commercial talks about getting scientists together to talk about their work and collaborate, in a climate of inclusion. There were Asian women, Asian men, and even a caucasian female. Fortunately the stage was not contaminated by the presence of the Patriarchy (in the form of white cis hetero males). We drink!  To the spirit of inclusion.

OMG, I Can't Even, Fam

Language is weird.
Stuff sometimes crosses from social media to the real world.
It's really sad for people who rarely venture into social media, and people who do venture into social media. In fact, it's sad for everybody.

I'm sitting there, minding my own business, as I tend to do a lot, when I hear "O. M. G. I can't believe it."

Excuse me?

O. M. G. I can't believe it.

You don't say OMG in real life. You say Oh My God. OMG is a shortener so you can fit more words in a text. And because many people can't spell Oh My God.

Nu-uh.

[I strap myself in, sensing this is going to be a long chat]
I'm just trying to help. If you say OMG outside the house, people will think you're....  a little slow.

Nu-uh.

[This is going to be worse than I thought.]
Have you been on social media recently?

No.

Then where are you getting this stuff?

Nowhere. I'm not tellin.

It's daytime tv, isn't it?

I'm not telling.

It's that 6' tall black woman, with the size FFF implants, who looks like Frankenstein, right?

Don't pick on Wendy - she's hip.

She must be - she says OMG.

Hey - she have the down-low on the high-ups. She dishes. OMG - did you see her yesterday?

No, I was having elective dental surgery. I don't care what she says. The show is a close competitor to TMZ for worst show on tv, 1954-present.

What EVER.

Are you auditioning for a Disney sitcom?

No. You're a hater.

That's old news, Bae.

Well, yesterday on the show, she said, right after she said OMG, that...

I don't really want to know what she said, and I'm working on something right now, so could you please give me a few minutes?

Well, she said OMG, Fam, you need to see this picture of....

Excuse me. EXCUSE me. EXCUSE ME.

What?

I asked you very nicely for just a few minutes.

I was just sayin'..

Yes, of course you were just sayin'  - you won't stop just sayin'

But I was just sayin'

[Writing this phrase down as a probable issue]
Can I please just have a few minutes of silence, while I finish this proposal for world peace? It's kind of important.

Whatevs.

[Dear Lord, from the top of this bit til now, they updated it. This will not end well.]


-->a few minutes of silence later <---


Thank you - Kissinger and the trilaterals want that by midnight.
Did you hear what Wendy said today?

No.

She said she's not going to say OMG anymore, cuz that's so last week.

Shut up.

No, I saw her.

Nu-uh. Stop spreading lies.

They showed the clip of it on TMZ.

You trippin.

Nope. Just sayin...


Announcer: Tune in next week, when our darling precocious child keeps trying to explain what 'fly' means, to an adult who keeps telling her it's what you do on a plane.

• Rosario Dawson came out as LGBT+ in a new interview.
• Does this mean she's all of them or just one?
• How will this affect Cory Booker?
• Does this make her hotter or notter?

I have this strange admiration for Jimmy Carter. Not as a president - as a human being. As a wish, 10 year old cancer survivor Jimmy Carter (yes) got to meet the more senior and more former presidential Jimmy Carter. They both had cancer, they both have the same name, and younger Carter was co-president of his school. Senior Carter is a gentleman who walks the walk, teaching Sunday School.

“The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant.”   - Maximilien Robespierre

I pick on SJWs, as I should.
Now I'm asking you to read this story about sexual harassment.
It isn't from some crazed feminist harpie; it's from a coder, recently employed at Uber. This poor lady got it from all angles, from college all the way to Uber. When she looked for help, none was forthcoming. When she finally blew the whistle on the widespread misdeeds at Uber, you can guess what happened. As with government whistleblowers, she suffered greatly.

I was getting ready to do an Uber rant, but the article said it better: "..the contempt with which the employees were treated mirrored the contempt with which the customers were treated" (mine would have mentioned rape and killing).

• If you need a laugh, just remember; Disney owns the domain name “Muppet F**ker”

Question on college:

Daughter #1 receives nice letter from Yale saying to apply. Includes cost calculator. Cost for her is $306,000. 

If she invests 306k and surfs for 30 years she ends up with 2.5 million (age 48) 5 mill at 56 and easy 10mil at 65.  Why would she pick Yale?

One blind, aquatic salamander may have sat mostly still for seven years

-continues to represent Pennsylvania in Congress.

• One of the reasons I predict Nothing Good from the Internet of Things was illustrated the other day, when a 'connected' car in California couldn't reach its server and would not start. Would. Not. Start. Every other car in the multiverse starts with a key. IoT cars require phoning home before they start. This has also happened with kitchen appliances. Now add the lack of security and you start to see what's going to happen. It's a very slow motion train wreck.

Crown Royal has done a great job, branding itself as a special, high-end whiskey (wheskey if you're a Scot). You even get that boffo blue velvet bag-like thing. I remember when I was tiny, I made a Crown Royal for my grandfather, when he got home from work. I remember it being horribly strong and bad-smelling. I'm sure nothing has changed. The marketing is more effective than you think, making people question themselves: Gee, I must be crazy for not loving this liquid that takes the coating off my esophagus. Smoooooth.  Or beer. When I was a teen, friends said to keep drinking - I'd develop a taste for beer. Well, it's been 30 years and I still haven't developed a taste for beer. Or dirt.

Today I identify as  spam

We have a good relationship with one neighbor (not the 439 year old one).

She's such a sweet older lady. She was Marshall's buddy - they used to hang out together when she was planting. When she moved to a different spot, Marshall moved with her. They'd chat (or at least one of them would). Mrs lefty found out they like cupcakes, so she bought a package of 6. On the way home, it inverted, gracing the lid with bunches of icing. A day later, I went to the store and procured replacement cupcakes. These inverted on the way out of the car, but lost considerably less icing. No matter, they can't go to anyone like that. Yesterday another 6 cupcakes appeared. This morning there were 5. One of the kids required one emergently, at 3am and no one told her these were for the neighbor. We'd get them a cake, but we can't deal with the mess when it inverts.



SJW Snorkeling

Homophobic, sexist and racist patients could be barred from non-emergency care at NHS trusts, under new rules from April

A Clean Colon is a Happy Colon

I had an interesting weekend, so I thought I'd share the highlights with you, dear friends. And when I say an interesting weekend, I mean it would have been better to work 7 days, 7am to 7pm.

I took off V-Day for V-Day. It took me a while to figure out this would be a 4 day weekend, because I can never remember when I have off work. I am among the top 11% in IQ, so I miss qualifying for MENSA by 1 percent. You'd know if I were in MENSA because I'd mention it within 3 minutes of meeting you, like vegans do.

Four days. It's like heaven to any normal person.
Uh-oh.


Day One: This was the day we were celebrating. So we slept til 3pm. We didn't do anything fun - we just slept til 3pm.

Day Two: After repeatedly telling Wife I didn't want company on our next try, she invited my mother. This made me unhappy, and when I say unhappy, I mean there's an entire wall I have to replace. I suggested she take my mom. As any smart woman would do, she did. I stayed home and made sure the couch stayed in its spot. It was good of me to stay behind and make sure the couch didn't get up to anything - it might upset the dog.

Day Three:   A Sunday. During which most places open late and close early, just in case we wanted anything. First, we pulled into an optician, because I still need glasses. I will get my colonoscopy about 4 weeks after my colon gets removed. And the store is clooooooosed!  A good author would say something about this foreshadowing the rest of the day, but I'm only a blogger.

Down the street there's a mall. I love this mall like I love colonoscopies. I told Mrs lefty that this mall was voted World's Second Worst Mall, right after the one 30 minutes down the road. Imagine my surprise when we discovered a plaque on the wall: Welcome to Bob's Mall - voted World's Second Worst Mall! Sometimes it's uncanny.

This mall has 3 floors of nothing. How, you ask, do they cram nothing into only 3 floors? It's a closely held secret, like Rob Schneider coming out as conservative, a few times, yet still nobody knows.  What does one do in a mall crammed full of nothing in only 3 floors? Damn if I know - I was there under protest. I prefer to do most things under protest: this way, I never have to guess whether I did something under protest or not.

When I was young, I was the happiest kid in the world when the new Victoria's Secret catalog came out. I memorized their entire inventory. Ok, I memorized their entire palette of models wearing their entire inventory. The catalogs still show up, but now there are stores in malls! Every mall! In the same spot! With the same layout! I used to love the stores - especially going in with Mrs lefty, where I could preview what I hoped I'd be doing later that night. For whatever reason, perhaps marriage, it was no longer fun to visit there. Plus we finally realized that no matter how many things we bought there, she wasn't going to look like the model in the picture right above it. She would, however, smell just like the models smelled after putting on their perfume, so that was an acceptable purchase... also because they were a great gift, so we usually left with a small number of them (40). I asked why were in there - she orders everything online. She said she gets bras there. No, she gets those online too, because Victoria's stocks only sizes that fit on models. I suggested she stop hitting her head on the metal doors, even if it feels better when she stops. Did you know that in spite of the mall being 2nd worst of any mall, they have very comfortable padded benches outside of some stores? I tried my hand at holding it down and making sure it didn't get up to anything, like my couch. There was no way of knowing, but mall traffic makes it difficult to concentrate on what the phone says (never mind what the voices say). I had to cross to the other side of the mall at the Apple store - I can't stand the way it makes my skin burn, even though I like the way every device in there goes haywire when I walk by.

On our way out, I noted that the mall certainly lived up to its billing as the 2nd worst mall anywhere. Mrs lefty noted that a mall is in trouble when 90% of what's there fails to grab her attention.

2 years ago, when my father was still around, we stopped at a donut shop, on a long trip. They had a crushed ice coffee drink that brought tears to 4 sets of eyes. They had donuts that were larger than most - around the size of a tire. And delicious. We made a verbal note to get back there at some point. We talked of it frequently, and I found one of their stores close to us. My father left, my mother is working on her new hobby: driving everyone crazy, and we never got around to getting that incredible drink. Until today, because it was our special day (or at least our third try at our special day). 30 minutes later we pulled into the parking lot, excited, and went inside, where we couldn't find our drink on the overhead menus. I asked. The answer was no, they did not have our drink. I thanked the nice girl and left. Then I blew up, in a lightning and thunder-ish fury that cannot properly be described, other than to say power to half of the county was out for a few hours, glass was broken for a few blocks in every direction, and the entire parking lot had turned to hot liquid tar, in 23 degree weather.

Wife attempted to explain to me that perhaps they were not franchised and could carry or not carry whatever they wanted. If this was designed to make me feel better, it had roughly the effect of pouring gas on hot, smoking tar.  After the number of years we've been married, you'd think she'd know what sets me off. HEY - WAITAMINNIT... of course she knows what sets me off... that's why she said it!

At this point we agreed we'd have to make dinner instead of going out. If we went to our pizza place, they'd be out of pizza. If we went for malts, they'd be out of ice cream. If we went to Wendy's, it would be their first ever instance of being out of burgers. I haven't had this much effect on the universe since an entire chicken chain went out of business when I tried to order a sandwich.

We made dinner at home, just like I friggin' said in the paragraph above. Do I really have to repeat myself? I helped out by grabbing a pan with an uninsulated handle, rendering the entire block without electricity or functioning toilets. Here's a tip: when you burn yourself badly, do not put a hot baked potato on it.

Just as dinner was finally ready, Mrs lefty's last nerve finally snapped and tried to kill her, by wrapping itself around her neck, rendering eating impossible, like finding something you like at a mall. Not to be outdone, I ate some, then got put off food when she put the tv on.

Hours later I was hungry and figured I'd finish my cold, previously-baked potato. I picked up a piece, which promptly took a leap into the sink. I tried again, which revealed a black spot I just ate, after which it took a leap, this time to the floor. Sad but undaunted, I took the remaining half of potato and carried it out of the kitchen. I took a bite and large pieces rocketed to the ground. I figured I'd give the dog a treat. I took another bite and the entire potato rocketed to the ground. I was hungry, but perhaps I shouldn't have tried to eat.

We have one more day until I have to go back to work. I am very afraid of what Day Four of our attempted celebration will do to me.  I tried to give my vacation days back at work, but they won't take them. Apparently I'm the first person who ever asked.

If we go for glasses tomorrow, they will be out of them.



Dear lefty:

• What's the only thing more useless than a tv injury lawyer?
• Two tv injury lawyers.

400 Americans trapped on cruise ship with coronavirus get to go home.
It's great that they will escape their captivity.
For a 14 day federal quarantine.

• When did overweight become curvy?

Today I identify as   curds, but not whey

What do you call something so insipid, vacuous, meaninglessly trendy, completely without merit, and non-deserving of anyone's time; that can suck your brains out your nostrils, like ancient embalmers did to kings during mummification?

Daytime tv, of course.

lefty ruins film classics:

If Vincent Price's character in The Raven took his medicine, he wouldn't hear the bird talking to him.

• Search giant Baidu released an open-source tool to detect whether individuals in crowds are wearing face masks.
• If we didn't have this software, we'd never know.

Best Headlines:

• Jellyfish snot can sting swimmers who never touch animal
• Israeli soldiers tricked into installing malware by Hamas agents posing as women. This could get very ugly very quickly.
• Fish monsters, barking dogs, and roach patties: the films of Bong Joon-ho
• a 13 year old girl who got pregnant with a 10yo boy has signaled that she wishes to become a social media 'influencer'   Who says America isn't leading the pack?  Mom: "Initially we thought she had food poisoning..."

Stop and consider: living brain tissue experiments raise new kinds of ethical questions. Tissue contains our awareness and memories. Same with organs.






Random Observations

• Melena Kanakeredes(?) is now on one of those cops shows (Hawaii 5-0?). I remember being very sweet on her many years ago. She has barely aged and has not had surgery.  Some women have great skin. Why is this crap on my blog? Don't ask me - I just type what the voices tell me to type.

All the coronavirus news you can stand (and more):

Coronavirus cancels F1 and Formula E races, could make EU miss CO2 target. Pushes Chinese concerts online.
Also threatens to cancel movie premieres and entire seasons of tv shows, if it doesn't get what it wants.

Head of Wuhan hospital critically ill with coronavirus.

Chinese authorities 'disinfect' Wuhan with fleets of trucks spraying chemicals in the air.



SJW Something 

The struggles of getting a haircut as a non-binary person.


Accounts run by men receive roughly double the retweets of those run by women. Even online, we are talked for and talked over. Even online, men’s voices carry twice as much worth. It matters. When you see women writing about things that interest you, retweet us. It’s that simple.

Walmart Ate My Coronavirus

Not everything must be complex and involve computers and hacking.
A teen walked into a Walmart in Joliet, IL, wearing a mask and a sign that said I have the coronavirus." He sprayed Lysol on produce, clothing, and other products. He and his buddy were arrested for disorderly conduct, retail theft, and criminal tresspass.

This is the kind of independent thinking we need in our youth today. Anybody can phone in a bomb threat - this took preparation and setup. I think we should start a fund for his defense.

• My friend's boss gave him a new term: maintenance window.
• I think he jumped out.

Tom Steyer, Dem hopeful, is calling for a $22 minimum wage.
It's great to see such naked pandering so early.

• We finally figured out how mosquitos sense our warmth. Part of it is exhaling carbon dioxide when we breathe. If we don't want our blood sucked, the only reasonable solution is to stop breathing.

Curious about the US budget?
Check out Science magazine.
They identify it as Trump's Budget, then mention it drowns science agencies in red ink. I'm sure there's implicit bias, coming from Science magazine.
What's very interesting is not the budget cuts, but the Budget.
It is incredibly difficult to elicit my sympathy for a 6% cut to the National Science Foundation, when the final number is $6.328 billion. If you read it this way, it might be considerably more interesting. The numbers are for the research component, so the figures may not be the entire budget for the unit.
That said, the remaining budget for these research areas is 59.951 billion.
Add many other departments, plus the Black Budget, and you begin to understand why your taxes are so ridiculously high. Imagine if you were 'allowed' to keep most of your own money.


Taking a momentary break from defending the planet, or whatever it is they do, Space Force is desperately searching for a short name to call themselves, like the short names the other branches of the military have. Therefore, they're crowdsourcing it. Back on the Old Days<tm>, we just Asked People. Now we crowdsource. Speaking to the internet is probably not the smartest idea....  none of the pre-existing suggestions are any good (Guardian, vanguard, sentinel). Therefore it is incumbent upon us to help out...

• UFO Fighters
• Spaceheads
• Tax Increasers
• Zero Gravity Jockeys
• Rocket Humpers
• Satellite Farmers
• Space d00ds
• Paratrumpers

Humor me for a minute.... 

The navy has ships.

The air force has planes.

The army has tanks.

The marines have scuba guys who do Bad Stuff for the CIA.

What does Space Force have?

If I understand correctly, the newest tech we've seen, aside from the secretive triangular thing that just got tested, is still the Saturn V (40s technology from former nazi, Werner von Braun) and the Space Shuttle. Any follower of history or even casual observer, knows there's something else we aren't privy to. How does Space Force get to Space? Do they cruise the moon to pick up Space Chicks? Do they run around in the Aurora, a triangular craft? Is there something newer, something triangular, that might be able to hover in-place and sometimes gets mistaken for a UFO (that doesn't exist)? Maybe they just do weird stuff to other countries' satellites.

While we're on the topic, Popular Mechanics ran a story on the government's UFO program. It's interesting. It gives a view into secret government programs too. Worth a read, keeping in mind that this is the public level; the one you're allowed to see. UFO research has been going on forever, but this particular 'disclosure' is somehow being allowed to go public. If you think UFO research started a number of years ago, with a $22 million program, I have some nuclear cold fission patents to sell you.

• Weird, unseen auto industry inventions.

Today's Special List of concerts the promoter knows I want to see, starts out with Janet Jackson and Backstreet Boys. Ummmm... guys - it's time to fire your algorithm. Yeah, Frankie Valli too: we don't really have 4 seasons here. On a positive note, the Black Crowes are touring, as is John Fogerty.

Dear lefty:

• What do I do with my erection?
• Just keep it away from women - we don't need you reproducing.

VITAMIN D ALERT

This is a warning to avoid vitamin D: it is very troublesome.
It comes in tiny little football-shaped capsules, and without fail, it will roll off any surface it's on. I spend 10 minutes every morning, trying to locate the little bastard on the carpet. It blends in.

• Stop what you're doing and watch this. Joe Bonamassa and Eric Gales jamming. It will tear your head off. I'm still looking for mine.

Today I identify as   a plaid suit



I am pleasantly surprised to read that Trump just signed an order to test the US infrastructure's vulnerability to GPS outage. I guess he's secretly reading this blog. For my next trick, I suggest that we figure out what happens to planes and other things if GPS goes down. We also need to secure our insecure infrastructure, like power generation.

• Today's best line: You just cannot kill everybody who doesn't agree with you.
• Uh-oh

Bloomberg considers Hillary as running mate.
Sound the air raid sirens! Barge the bilge! Muck up the mizzenmunch! Stock up on babies to snack on -- Satan's personal representative is back! But wait a minute... wasn't the Chosen One supposed to be president? Bloomberg is sexist!

• Sex robots may cause psychological damage. 
• Paid for by the League of Frightened Women  

Heroes of the Stupid

Pets in China are being forced to wear bizarre face masks because their crazy owners are terrified they may catch coronavirus.



Heroes

There's no question about it - social media is toxic. It's best to take a break to get back in the real world for a bit. Somewhat less toxic are the email groups, for special interests. There's a (police/fire) scanner group, with all the technical people and knowledge you can ask for. Most recently, there were a ton of messages to and from "Robert." The last one had Robert thanking everybody for not making fun of him; he's autistic and takes a little longer to understand things, but really likes his scanner. Looking back over the previous messages, one could see many in the group helping Robert, step by step if necessary, to get set up.

There are many stories like this. They just get swallowed up by the words of assholes.




SJW Slop



Transgender ideology can take on a comical character, as in a recent American Civil Liberties Union commentary objecting to sales tax on tampons and similar products while pondering: “How can we recognize that barriers to menstrual access are a form of sex discrimination without erasing the lived experiences of trans men and non-binary people who menstruate, as well as women who don’t?”

Elephants in Self-Driving Cars

iPeople: free email is being spied on. Regardless of platform, if it's free, your privacy is the cost.



Uber self-driving cars are allowed back on California roads, nearly 2 years after a fatal crash in Arizona.  Because gravity is different in California.

This, too, will fail, when Uber realizes you can't be robbed or raped without a driver.

• Tesla remotely disabled Autopilot on a used Model S after it was sold. Because buyer didn't pay for it.
• Because Tesla had access to it.  Yank the modems in your car. Your phones and e-book readers, along with iMusic devices, run like this too.

Third person in UK confirmed with coronavirus will be taken to a specialist NHS centre - in 3 weeks.

Speaking of which, China has a big problem. No, not that one.
Its people are wearing masks for coronavirus. But masks don't play well with facial recognition. What to do?    I don't know, but let's pretend we have coronavirus in the US.

• The latest Win 10 update problems and how to fix them

I need to get my eyes checked.
I can't see anything closer than 18" from my eyes.
This is a problem for many reasons, one of them being my great love for going to doctors (or much of anywhere else, but doctors are the worst). Mentally girding myself for the ride, I looked up optometrists in the area. Since I drive by them every day, I can't name one place in the vicinity. Among my search results were Sears Auto and a shoe store. I felt reasonable certain that Sears Auto had absolutely no glasses, because the chain closed, AND they only had auto glass (my head ain't that big).

Since we live in the 2000s, I could go to their websites and actually peruse frames. This is tremendous for me, as I can scratch off most, if not all, of the places because their frames are hideous, ugly, expensive, have designer names, and simply aren't what I want.

The last time I got the urge, I went online and found 34,473 frame 'stores'. And POOF - there were the frames I wanted. Glory be, you coulda knocked me over with an Abrams tank.  The really frightening part is that there were more than one pair!  The only problem is that I couldn't see the size, which was somewhat of a problem. Oh yeah, they were more than reasonably priced. I ran around the house, doing my impression of the Glasses Dance *(no I didn't) and showed it to the wife. Wife, Bringer of All Good News (and death), said they were very nice but it was stupid to buy them online because the stores would kill me with charges to make the lenses. Ah, what about if I send the rx to the online store? Nah, you don't know what you're getting and can't get them adjusted.

Wife could sink a very large cruise ship, with thousands aboard, that hadn't even gotten any coronavirus yet.  I was mad because that's my gig, and she bested me without so much as a pbthlllllllt.

I continued online, finding local places that weren't shoe stores or famous chain shutdowns. Someone needs to update their algorithms. The reason the shoe store appeared is that they have glasses in their ad. It turns out every department store has opticians, as well as their own personal selection of the most expensive and hideous frames possible. Macy's, that bastion of Cheap Stuff, advertised designer names before any pictures of frames. I looked and asked the non-obvious question: why are Sears Auto frames $79 and the exact pair, with a designer name printed on them, $399? Obviously, Very Snotty People (VSP) need to pay hundreds extra, literally for someone's name, scrawled upon their frame. It's the Frame Game!  I can afford to look down my nose at frames with some designer's name emblazoned where everybody can see (and think "Wow, that idiot has way too much money"). After all, I have a lot of guitars with the manufacturers' names on them, as well as a tall, black amplifier, named after my most loved dog. And shirts, hats, and a keychain I gave the wife. The difference here is that the name actually means something - better quality. Stamping Roy Smegma on frames doesn't take the quality up a notch or three.

Other 'recommended search results' were for carpet, women's buzzing relief aids, and tree surgeons (not covered by insurance).

To make a long story longer, I managed to rule out about 80% of what I saw. I'd have ruled out the other 20%, but the sites were cleverly designed so you couldn't actually see the frames (get it - see!). Something they teach you in Web Designer School is how to make the product visible on the front page, link it to a choice of product, and put in absolutely nothing whatsoever that will allow the viewer to actually see the products. Yes, I clicked Mens Frames, but it took me to Auto Glass. I clicked Womens Frames (no, I don't crossdress, most of the time), at which point it just sat there, mocking me. To make things more frustrating, student designers are taught how to make a spinning hourglass or circle, to make viewers think the page is going to actually do something. The students are peeing their pants by the end of this lesson.

Hang on - I just figured it out.... the pages that display the products are broken on purpose! You start to browse, can't find a single thing, then have to go to the store to look. Sheer genius. Nobody believes me when I tell them there's a conspiracy behind everything. Not even the doctors in the white uniforms.

So I have no idea whether I'm getting frames online or offline, and I'll have to leave the house, breaking my solemn vow as an amateur agoraphobe.

I haven't been on Twitter a lot, after that 58 year old woman sent me nudes.




Brain cells called microglia eat away mice's memories.
How do they get the mice to take those ridiculous memory tests?

• Boeing has identified yet another software problem on the 737 MAX.
• At this point, the fact that it has software seems to be the problem.
• In other news, Boeing has many new job openings for test pilots

Is it safe to for your ISP to use your router as a hotspot?
If you have Comcast, it likely uses your router as a wifi access point for people outside your house. While it's not immediately dangerous, hacks will emerge, plus you can't trust Comcast. The only immediate negative is congestion.

• Apple fined 25 million euro for deliberately slowing down old iPhones.
• Every day there's another reason to be sad I didn't buy an iDevice

The federal car safety agency approved a self-driving vehicle, waiving requirements for a windshield and mirrors. It's a tiny thing, intended for deliveries. Children's wagons will run it over. It will also be used at carnivals as the Ride of Death, because it's about that size.

• I have one gray eyebrow hair. If I had OCD, I'd be insane.

Since it was Sunday night, I went to bed early (2am) because I had work the next morning. I use my phone as a flashlight, so as not to wake anyone. And... there is no dog. This is a little weird, as she sleeps with her mommy always. I keep looking around. There was no dog downstairs and there would be no dog on the floor (she only sleeps on the couch or the bed - it's tough being a dog). The riddle was solved when the covers started to move, and little head popped out from under them. Well, you have to make yourself comfortable.....

The challenge is to link Sunday to something else.
Last Sunday we went out for dinner. We try to do this every month or so.
If you think I'm a little odd here, you should see me in retail establishments. Better yet, you shouldn't see me.
This one place requires you to order first, then go to your seat. Noticing they had blueberry cobbler for dessert, I ordered the heaviest, richest chocolate dessert. The cashier looked at me for a second, confused, and told me they only had the Blueberry Thing. I didn't do it to give the young lady a hard time - I did it as a request. They rotate desserts and they have chocolate about 2 days a year, first making sure I'm not in the restaurant before they put it out. This is why I don't go out a lot.


Today's best book titles:

• Pencils You Should Know
• How to Eat
• My Feet Are Killing Me

Best help solution: How to politely get a toddler to leave you alone



You don't have to believe anything typed here.

I listened to a radio show and heard this one...
A woman is beside herself with grief over her dog, who pretty much has to take the last trip to the vet. She and the dog are in the basement, she's crying and praying to heal the dog. The husband comes halfway down the steps, sees something wispy and gray, and loses time. When he 'returns,' the wife and dog are running around the room, with nothing wrong.

Hell of a story.
I wish whatever that thing was could have visited Marshall....

• Why are trucks getting bigger and cars getting smaller? I want my damn land yachts back!

Comcast is stroking itself publicly by stating a goal of 31k veterans hired.
You just know some wag will be running around yelling "INCOMING!"



Today I identify as   maple syrup

• Headline: Use Alexa to figure out what beer and wine to pair with your dinner
• We know Alexa is a bad word here, but if you want beer or wine with your dinner and have to ask Alexa, perhaps you shouldn't be drinking beer or wine with your dinner.
• Maybe you could call good old Uncle Bobby Jim and he could give you a beer suggestion. He's somewhat of an expert, having been drunk since 1955. 

Faceyspaces News

• As Sacha Baron Cohen criticizes Lord Zuck, Elon Musk tweets #DeleteFacespaces   -  some people are getting wise
• Faceyspaces loses control of its own Twitter account
• Faceyspaces encrypted messaging will 'create hiding places for child abuse'
• This is not helpful, even from child protection organizations. First of all, the criminals can simply go to a different encrypted messaging program. Second, privacy is going to hide Bad Stuff, but that's the price. Third, this could have come from a govt - the same bloody tired excuse: It's for the children. Fourth, cut the crap.

Storm Caira: since the storm started, my wife keeps looking through the windows.  If it gets worse, I'll have to let her in.      - @bf3ftw1888

• Scientists have discovered evidence of dream telepathy between humans
• This is interesting news. Many believed this to be true, long before Science.
• Science, having evidence, will convince some professionals to pursue it.
• I suspect we're getting closer and closer to understanding the nature of things, down at the quantum level.
• I predict that religion is going to have a Big Problem with this.

Starting in WWII, the top spying company, trusted by leaders the world over to spy on allies and enemies, was Crypto AG. We are all deeply shocked to learn that Crypto AG was owned by the CIA.




Heroes of the Stupid
Teen growing his hair for his sister (undergoing chemotherapy), withdraws from Texas high school after he was told to get a haircut.   There is a hair policy at this school!




SJW Support

Famous Faceyspaces Falsely Flags "hate speech" for reporting on Saira Rao's $2500 to have a dinner while getting scolded for being white fiasco.

We're all sick of Award Ceremony Whining (ACW), but this fellow is a rare gem: Taika Waititi slams Apple's MacBook keyboards after winning first Oscar




The Draconian Files

China takes wartime measures to stop coronavirus.
door-to-door home searches

US Government buys location data for millions of cellphones
It's for the children. No, wait, it's for illegal aliens.

Netflix gets takedown demands from govts
damn.. the Brazilian one looks pretty funny





SJW Slithering

She makes a hell of an argument..