Joyful Depression

Today's dose of realism and sarcasm is brought to you by the Drudge Report.  Please go there and catch more hilarity than I have excerpted.


COPS: Beating of white man by 6 black men may have been racially motivated...

Trust me, this came from some of their best people.

Mail carrier busted for delivering drugs along her route...

This is called initiative.  It's what the USPS lacks.


PRAVDA endorses Obama...
Calls Romney 'foul-mouthed, big-headed oaf'...

I strongly object (to endorsing Obama).


Scalia invokes 8th Amendment against reading 2,700-page Obamacare bill...

Cruel and unusual punishment to make him read it (although he'd never be covered by it)


COPS: Man Kills Wife After Dog Defecates In House...

Apparently this is wrong(?)


ALBINO RHINO beer draws human rights complaint...

Never had I imagined we'd have to watch out for the albino lobby too.  Fortunately the Stupid haven't organized (aside from Congress).  It's still politically correct to be a stupidist.


Congress urged to pass drone privacy law...

Sure - we completely disregarded your rights and allowed drones in the air.  Now we want to appear to be concerned.  It's a win-win.


Half of US Homes Own APPLE Products...

Here at ThermionicEmissions we're proud to be in the other 50%.
Friends don't allow friends to use iDevices.  Don't be an iHole.

TSA FOLLIES

TSA Manager Arrested for Running Prostitution Ring...

COPS: TSA agents trashed hotel room, fired gun from window...

The day wouldn't be complete without the latest from our uber-competent Friends in Groping.

It's Dr. Mengele Time!!

Yes, it's that time of year again... time to see the dentist.

I'd blame the whole thing on the dentist failing to call me to tell me my crown was in but I was fully aware it had to be in; I was just not going on purpose.

I used to be such a good patient.  I went regularly, never complained, and behaved in an exemplary fashion.  This was in spite of my absolute horror and dread of blood, very pointy things, and needles.  Then, at some point, the whole thing went to hell.  I managed to drag myself to the office but no matter what happened (or didn't), my body would continually attempt to escape from the chair.

This is technically referred to as Fight or Flight and is a wonderful built-in system for survival.  I'm not positive that a visit to the dentist qualifies as a survival moment but there was simply no way to communicate this to the parts of my body trying desperately to remove themselves from a four mile radius of that office.  And I had the presence of mind to sit there and notice this.  Yay me.

Dr Mengele (not his real name) is a really nice guy.  His staff is pleasant and competent.  They accept my insurance.  There is even a bevy of really attractive employees in all sizes, shapes, and countries of origin. In fact, today's cleaner was a bit of a shock, being a native English speaker.  The place is like the United Nations.  Today India and Eastern Europe were represented.

Dr. Mengele even managed to get off a few jibes at my expense, cracking himself up for what seemed to be five or ten minutes.  I can laugh at myself (even when I'm not the one poking fun at me) and managed a few chuckles on the way to requesting that Mengele institute new uniform specifications (I couldn't see down her shirt when she bent over me).

It was during the xrays that I finally realized that this was a very large, expensive game.  Although the nice tech denied it sweetly, I am positive that putting all those things in my mouth and making me hold still til something BUZZED was completely unnecessary.  Putting the lead liner on me was completely unnecessary: the reason she kept disappearing was because she was conferring with her coworkers about what kind of thing she could get me to keep in my mouth and hold it next.

Hey, watch this... I'm gonna put this green thing in his mouth and count to ten before I take it out.  
Can you believe he sat there?  Now I'm going to try the red one - watch!

I very strongly suspect the bunny ears were not needed either.

After Dr. Mengele got done amusing himself, he sent me off to `the really mean lady' to have my teeth cleaned.  Teeth Cleaning Ladies bring fear to everyone, including Nazis and IRS agents.  They all appear really nice (until they get you strapped to the table and bring out their implements of torture.  I didn't have to wonder long as to why the walls of this exam room were acoustically padded.

Teeth Cleaning Ladies don't need much in the way of tools, largely one very sharp, pointy stick that they continually poke you with when they're not scraping your nostrils by way of your mouth.  It takes a special kind of person to be a Teeth Cleaning Lady.   Even congressmen voluntarily cross the street when faced with a Teeth Cleaning Lady.

POKE.  Does that hurt?
No, it's ok.
POKE.  How about that?
A little.
POKE.  Now?
Yes, that hurts.
I'm sorry.  POKE.  Now?
OW.
Sorry.  You should come back more often.
With an experience like this, you won't be able to keep me away!

When the most pleasant experience I could imagine is over, it's time to see the Counter Ladies.  These are the sweetest of the sweet in the practice.  But don't be fooled - these lovely ladies are the real enforcers of the business.  Behind the attractive smiles are naturally sharp teeth and biceps that can break your leg.  They know exactly what your insurance will cover (nothing) and what you have to pay (everything, now).  After removing only slight amounts of bone, they smile and ask you when you'd like to come back.

While one of them was distracting me, I saw another writing on a chart.  It had a rather disturbing sticker on it.  When I confirmed that this was my chart, I asked if that sticker did indeed say HIV on it.  Why yes it did.

Well HALLELEUJAH, I'm apparently cured.  It was a miracle.
Or more accurately, I never had HIV in the first place.
No one seemed to know how I achieved HIV but we were all pretty happy that I didn't have it.

Won't my wife be happy.....

Today's First Amendment Pointy Stick

Two items of recent news caught my eye:

Bruce Schneier, security geek extraordinaire, was asked to testify before Congress about TSA screening.  Bruce was then summarily dis-invited, by TSA request, and will not be speaking before Congress.

Why, you ask?
Because Mr. Schneier has been critical of the TSA and we don't want any critical comments about the TSA during a hearing on the TSA, do we?



Two geniuses in my home state (PA) have sponsored a resolution announcing 2012 as the Year of the Bible.
2012 is not the Year of the Bible (or the Torah, or the Satanic Bible, or the Koran).  This is what we refer to as Establishment, which is expressly forbidden by the First Amemdment.


This is very important: freedom of religion = freedom from religion.

Sometimes it IS Personal?

How was my day?
Glad you asked.

At work I came upon the perfect microcosm of its institutional madness: a VP was trying to stream radio, in spite of our no streaming policy.

Then I discovered that the iPeople are ordering iSoftware on my work credit card (for which I am responsible).

But I'll show them.
The new work room will be done with these..

Next up, it was time to install some really interesting security software.  I got the server all set up and wired into the rack then booted up.  Or rather, tried to boot up.  It might have booted but the rack's monitor flatly refused to display a single thing.  It did, however, completely lock up.  When was the last time a display locked up on you?

I had to make a phone call, which guaranteed that Nerf Wars (March 2012) would start.  There is some sort of invisible connection between me lifting the phone and the noise level in the room going through the roof.  Fortunately for me, someone had gone shopping yesterday and appeared with Nerf blow darts and an automatic Nerf rifle, which they proceeded to put to full use during my call.

Speaking of calls, just to make things more interesting, my wife called from the road.  The way she explained it, she was lucky to get the car pulled over in time for a precision display of Roadside Emesis (highway vomiting).  Much to my dismay, none of this made it to video.  She promised to remember next time.

Speaking of the wife, and possibly related to the above, my wife eventually made it to bed around 2am.  Within two seconds of her head hitting the pillow, the sound of heavy construction equipment permeated the room (and possibly the neighborhood).   Upon evaporation of my last nerve (approximately twenty seconds after the snoring started), I told her to turn over, as she was snoring.

"No I'm not," she replied.

How could I possibly argue with that logic?


So I didn't.  Or rather, I didn't until the snoring started back up again, which it did in approximately three seconds.

Honey, you're snoring.  Still.

"I was NOT snoring.  And besides, you snore and I don't make a big deal out of it and furthermore.... "

I didn't hear the rest of it because she had removed herself from the bed and left the room.  Oh well, at least I'd be free from that argument for a bit.

When I finally came down this morning, she was half-sitting on the couch, slumped over, asleep.

Oh well, at least she wasn't snoring.

Attention Chrome Users

I sometimes repeat myself but I want to make sure we're all listening.  My stats indicate there are a lot of people visiting this blog via Chrome.

Dump Chrome.

If you're really enjoying Chrome, download Iron.  Iron is the same browser, same code, but it doesn't Phone Home to Google with your information.  I am not making this up.

Iron is available for Windows, Mac, and linux [I use it].  It uses all of the same extensions, if you want to use them.  The only difference is that it protects your privacy a lot better.  Of course if you don't set it correctly, you'll still leak all over the place but that's a conversation for a different time.

Try Iron.  Ask questions.  Protect your privacy.

It's Fender Mustang Time!

My laptops are out to get me.
I am not making this up.

Last night I did an update on my laptop and something bad happened.  With linux, you sometimes have to wait before bad things become apparent.  I booted up today after work and POOF - it refused to fully boot.  I knew immediately that this was going to be beyond my already pitiful patience level so I left it alone.  Later on I tried again.  I managed to get to a terminal but could not make the wireless work so that was done for the time being.  Strike one.

No problem, I thought.... I'd just get the backup laptop.  The backup laptop is a PITA that never really got much use because the touchpad doesn't play nicely with linux and the processor is a bit anemic.  So the backup laptop booted just fine, thank you, and flatly refused to connect to wireless.  Since I absolutely refuse to get up off the couch for anything short of guitar shopping, sex, or ice cream, I was not going to be able to connect the laptop to an ethernet cable.  Strike two.

It was obviously time to bring out Old Faithful.   Old Faithful is my old original Dell laptop that Marshall the Wonder Cocker tore a few keys from in a mad dash to get onto my lap.  It just kept chugging along, never letting me down.  The only small issue in booting it was that I could not find it.  How does one lose a laptop?  I certainly don't know.  But I will certainly curse my very being for an hour or three at some point down the road.  Strike three.

Good thing I'm the Anti-Sports.

Strike four may soon be provided by my wife's laptop, upon which I'm laying out this semi-rant.  These laptops are doing their level best to stop me from getting online.  Wife's laptop has thus far required about forty minutes of updates, as she hasn't touched it in a while.  But I want you, dear readers, to know that my wife uses a linux laptop with absolutely no direction at all.  This replaced her Windows laptop when it exploded (not a pretty story).  In any case, she gets all her email and surfing done on this laptop and rarely if ever has a question.  Yes, linux can work for you.


Now, speaking of guitar amps, some of my online friends have been going on and on about the new Fender Mustang modeling amplifiers.  Why yes, I do have friends; thanks for asking.

The Mustangs come in about four or five varieties, mostly differing in wattage and size.  They are modeling amps, which means they use chips and software to emulate popular real-world amplifiers.  Unfortunately, it also means no tubes.  We here at ThermionicEmissions have a very strict NO TUBES, NO TONE policy.  Yes, all of my amplifiers use tubes, from the tiny tweed Champ to the mighty Marshall.

My tube snob friends are starting to buy Mustangs and are really impressed by them.  This is most disconcerting.  You may not believe this but guitarists are extremely conservative types.  We like what we like and new things are treated with suspicion (for good reason).  Ever since solid state amplifiers appeared and were roundly dismissed as sterile and having crappy tone, manufacturers have been putting out amps and boxes claiming to have that `tube tone'.  We're kinda sick of the marketing (for good reason).  You might ask yourself how a two hundred dollar amplifier is going to emulate a vintage tube amp worth what you paid for your last car.

Strangely enough, I have been thinking about getting a tiny amp for the living room, where I do a fair amount of playing.  The Fender Mustang I is about ninety-nine dollars at Guitar Center so I went to check one out.  I figured at that price, if it turned on it was almost worth it.  Two months back I was ready to buy one but Guitar Center had none.  Working really quickly, two months later, they had a stack of them so I went and picked one up.

In addition to emulating amplifiers, the Mustang series will connect to your computer and you can play with the settings via software.  The amp comes with Windows software but there is a third party linux program available.  The amp can also record via USB.

It unpacked quickly and came with the power cord, USB cord, quick start manual (in many languages), and CDROM with software.  You also get other software, which I have not yet examined but is probably Windows-only.

The amp is, as my female friends say, cute.  It does twenty watts through an eight inch speaker, which is more than enough for the living room.   As I attend band practice with a fifteen watt Pro Junior tube amp, the wattage is roughly the same.

There is one input, a jack for a footswitch, and five knobs (GAIN, VOLUME, TREBLE, BASS, MASTER).  Fender goofed here, by printing the knob labels above the knobs, where you can't see them unless you're standing over them.

Following the `normal' knobs is a preset knob, a mod knob, and a dly/rev knob.  They're fairly self-explanatory.  There is a headphone out as well as an aux in, a mini usb port and a rocker power switch.

I cannot stress highly enough the amp's first and most important feature: the tuner.  Before doing anything else, tune your damn guitar please.  There are LEDs that indicate which note as well as RED-GREEN-RED LEDs to indicate tuning.  This is a tremendous extra that should almost be mandatory.

Without software, you use the amp like any other amp.  Use the preset knob to get one of eight basic amps, with two extra presets per-model, for a total of twenty four presets.  Tri-color LEDs indicate which set you're using (RED-GREEN-YELLOW).  If you don't know this, you're likely to miss it (I did).

Using the GAIN knob for crunchiness provides an interesting range of clean to dirty tones.  It's best not to judge anything on presets.  Presets are like blinky lights: there entirely for show and have no real world use.  Presets are the PowerPoint of the audio world.

The MOD knob covers a range of modulation-related effects, like chorus, flanger, tremolo, and phaser, among others.  The DLY/REV knob adds delays and a ton of different reverbs.

This amp line could not have been made ten years ago.  Think about the processing involved....

Software control brings more to the table.  I downloaded PLUG for linux and hooked right in.  There is a MIDDLE knob missing on the real amp, which is accessible through the software.  NOTE: if you're using Ubuntu, make sure to pay attention to the README file regarding the UDEV rule or the software won't connect.

There are some additional presets available in PLUG, as well as Major Tweakage.  You can tweeze to your heart's content, then save to the amp or the computer.

I would assume it's much more fancy in the Windows version (FUSE) but I haven't gotten around to firing it up yet, as the Windows computer is nowhere near the amp (and I hate Windows).

TIP: from my friend who is already deep into his higher-wattage Mustang.  Crank the SAG and BIAS controls (only available via software with the Mustang I) on all patches.

The amp seems to play well with different guitars: I used a G&L Legacy and an Historic Reissue Les Paul.  No idea if it prefers left-handed guitars (but I do).

I will add something to this review or post a new one after I get some time to put it through its paces.  It is an impressive little toy and for $99, I can definitely recommend it.  I will sit it next to some of the amps it emulates soon to see how accurate it is.  Make no mistake: I'm a tube snob and have a few really sweet vintage amps.  I don't expect this to duplicate a tweed Deluxe but we'll see how close it can get.

Let's Talk Musical Software

I was hanging around on Sourceforge the other night and did a little searching for music software.  The following is not an exhaustive list but they are all open source, free, and frequently multi-platform.  Download and let your musical freak flag fly!

INSTRUMENTS

open source Boss pedalboard controller: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

guitar tuner java applet: Win/Mac/linux

Linux and the Fender Mustang modeling amp
[no .NET or Silverlight required]

guitar effects: linux

guitar effects: Win/linux

Line6 PocketPOD editor: Win/Mac/linux

guitar effects DAW plugins: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

plugin pack for LADSPA, DSSI, LV2 and JACK

guitar amplifier: linux (JACK)

advanced drum machine: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

java drum machine: Win/Mac/linux

java organ builder: Win/Mac/linux

virtual midi piano keyboard: Win/Mac/linux

sound and music synthesis system: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

multitrack guitar tablature editor and player: Win/Mac/linux

music tabulature editor: BSD/linux

RECORDING

free reverb: VST

MIDI sequencer+notation editor: Win/linux

audio/midi multitracker: linux

simple yet powerful multitrack studio: Win/BSD/linux

complete music workstation: Win/Mac/linux

full featured, audio capable MIDI sequencer: Win/BSD/linux

complete a/v production environment: BSD/linux

fast multitrack recorder/editor: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

notation and composition: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

full studio: Win/BSD/linux

Hermetically-Sealed Pet Behavior

My wife called me at work today.  This is not particularly abnormal, other than when she's calling every fifteen minutes and driving me nuts (further).  By about the third call, she asked if I wanted to know what my furry child had gotten into this time.

I said I'd bite.

To set the background properly, my mother has a thing about leftovers.  They go into their own hermetically-sealed container.  The next time, they get heated up and if there is still some left over, they get put into their own, slightly smaller hermetically-sealed container.

She apparently freezes long rolls.  She gave some to my wife the other night.  They were individually wrapped, then placed into their hermetically-sealed bag, for placement in the freezer.  My wife put them on the table.  My furry child ate them.  All.  After unwrapping each one.

I suppose we should consider ourselves fortunate that he left us the wrappers.  I had a friend with a pair of Samoyeds who were like goats: they had to be x-rayed after eating aluminum foil and pantyhose.

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In local news, a lady came home to discover her neighbor sitting on her couch.  Watching porn.  In her panties.  At least he had the decency to leave her panties there when she politely requested he leave.

---------------------------

Remember When Deer Attack?  This is part two.  While a family was away on vacation, a deer crashed into their window.  This is worse than when the trees started killing skiiers!

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While his rivals attracted hundreds, 5,000 people showed up to see Ron Paul in Illinois.  They had to change the venue to hold the additional people.   Yet somehow, the votes don't seem to register at the polls.  Wonder why....

Ron Paul beat Obama in a Rasmussen poll the other day.  You probably didn't hear about it.

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It was only a matter of time until South Park took on the Toilet Security Agency....

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Santorum pledges to vigorously crack down on internet porn.  It turns out he is also against sex with his wife and pledges to eliminate handguns, black people and everything except vanilla ice cream.

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Jersey Shore could be wiped out by 2030.  Unfortunately they're talking about the shore, not the show. Get out your wallets, as we get ready to subsidize the rich people who bought shore property.  Again.

The President Bit my Cat

I awoke with a familiar lump on the pillow next to me.  Unfortunately it was the incorrect end of the dog. I suppose I should expect that from an animal that can sleep uphill.

My wife and I are going to do one of those scholarly papers on insomnia and how you can get it from your spouse.  She gave up sleep for lent about forty years ago and has never looked back.  I caught some bizarre form of insomnia that makes me tired at 10pm then wakes me up around 3:30am.  This has been going on for a week and no one knows why.

Speaking of insomnia, my wife got a sausage and pepper sandwich that she raved about and brought home half.  When she went to finish it, the sausage was missing.  Why?  Because the cat ate it.  Of course the cat ate it - what did you expect?   This is the same cat who won't leap up on the counter to get his own food but has no trouble eating mine.  He has progressed to showing affection in a vain attempt to get me to feed him.  When I come home from work, the dog is incredibly happy to see me.  The cat now apes the dog, in hopes I will get up and feed him.  He doesn't really care for me more than he did last week.

We recently realized that our entire house runs on the Cat Food Principle.  I am permitted to work because I can afford cat food.  My wife is permitted to leave the house because she brings home the cat food.  The cat get his bowl filled, eats most of it, then the dog hoovers up the rest, spending minutes licking out every last morsel of his favorite substance.  He will stand at the kitchen door, waiting for it to open and let him at the precious cat food.

New Jersey

I freely admit I was born in New Jersey.  We migrated closer to civilization when I was a few months old, or so I'm told.  I retain nothing of the silly accent, poor driving habits, or driving in circles.  Oddly enough, I found two items of Jersey interest in the news today.  See if you get the theme.....

A Lakewood, NJ girl died after falling into a septic tank.

It would seem that Trenton is out of toilet paper.

I'm not making this stuff up - just reporting it.

Other News

Here's a guy who liked the smell of meth and napalm in the morning.

Iowa senator Chuck Grassley is mad as hell at the History Channel.  Why?  Because they don't show enough history.  Who says your tax dollars are wasted?

A Los Angeles little league team will play this season, thanks to the generous donation of $1200 from the Jet Strip Gentleman's Club.   Go team!

Rick Santorum told a man attending his event that if he wanted limited government, he should vote for Ron Paul [video at link].   There you go - even a broken clock is right twice a day.

President Giveaway promised that Obamacare would cost $900 billion over ten years.  The Congressional Budget Office states $1.76 trillion over ten years.  It's not that he lied - he just repeatedly misstated the truth.  Hey, let's get the government involved in healthcare.  Nothing could possibly go wrong.  Right?  [Medicare.  Social Security.  Medicaid.   The Banks.   Government Motors.]

Word(s) of the Day

[WARNING: the following post contains Words That Big People Use.  Act accordingly.]







I am highly agitated.
I am also highly agitating but you'd have to ask someone who knows me.

Why am I agitated?
Because I discovered while texting that blowjob is not included in my Android dictionary.  This is a glaring omission that cannot go unchallenged.  I am personally going to call Mr. Android (Andy) today and have him address this grievous oversight.

I was so incensed that I needed to discuss this with a few of my closest colleagues at work.  Oddly enough, among them is not the head of Human Resources.  Off I went to see my friends in benefits.

me:  Did you know that blowjob is not in the Android text dictionary?  I am outraged.
payroll1: Really?
payroll2: [giggles]
me:  I also discovered that cunnilingus is missing.
payroll1: [blank stare]
payroll2: cunn-WHAT?  cunni-WHAT?
me: sssssssssssshhhhhhhhh.
payroll2: cunni-WHAT?
me: you might not want to say that loudly.
payroll2:  I dunno.  I don't get it.
me:  Here, I'll write it out for you.  Gotta sticky? [writes]
payroll2: cunn... cunniLIGIT?  cunniLIGIT?  What's CUNNILIGIT?
me:  ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh.
payroll2: cunni...?  [to payroll1] You know this word?
me:  It means [explains].
payroll2:  Oh. Oh.  Ewwwwwwwwww.
payroll1: no fair.  We don't know that word.
payroll2:  It's a pretty long word for that.  How are we supposed to know?
payroll1:  Yeah, we don't know that word.  [to payroll3] You know this word?
payroll3:  cunni... CUNNI....
me:  ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh.
payroll1: You know what it means?
payroll3:  Ummm... has something to do with sex but I don't know what.
me:  It means [explains].
payroll3: [slaps sticky note on crotch of her jeans.]  I'll Google it.
me: You think I'm making this stuff up?  I can spell too.
payroll3: some guy asked me that once but he shortened it.
payroll1:  You expect us to know words like that?
me:  I thought a lot of people knew what it was.
payroll2: I doubt it.
me:  Shall we poll some of your neighbors?
payroll1:  Perhaps not.


Tomorrow's Word:  coitus

Neighbors - Can't Live With Them, Can't Blow Up Their Houses

I grew up in a row house in Philthydelphia.  Eventually we looked at townhouses but never bought one.  The difference between them is that a row house is in the city and a townhouse is in the suburbs.

Being in a literal row, you got to know your neighbors, in every sense of the word.  We had some really nice neighbors who would sit out on the steps and talk.  It was mostly a good neighborhood, except, unfortunately, for the next door neighbors.  It's not that they weren't the nicest, brightest folks in the neighborhood - more that they believed Jews had horns.  We didn't go further into their beliefs because we were afraid.  They also painted their concrete steps.  To this day, we do not know why.

We also had the requisite Old Lady (YOU KIDS GET OFF OF MY LAWN!) but so long as you weren't on her lawn, she was fine.

Come to think of it, my next door neighbors did have a few more annoying little traits, which I'd like to share with you.  They enjoyed a good, loud stereo and television.  And they enjoyed their good, loud stereo and television placed right up against our common wall.  No amount of verbal convincing would spur any volume-lowering action in that house.

Being curious about how things worked, I discovered electronics (right before I discovered girls).  With my little signal generator, I would determine what station my neighbors were blasting and jam the signal.  When they changed stations, so did I.  When they tried the tv, so did I.  They probably wondered why reception was so poor in their house.

Fast forward many years to a house of my own, in a really nice neighborhood.  It's not a row home but the houses are close enough for the neighbors to chat (if they want to).  My wife is good at chatting, not so much for me.  In the twenty years we've been there, my wife met all the neighbors and their dogs.  I know the one dude from around the corner somewhere who walks his Akita at night.

We live across the street from the Loud Family.  I've mentioned them before.  They are two loud adults who produced five or six really loud children (F-YOU, DAD!).  The children all bought really loud cars.  If the cars weren't loud when they bought them, they modified them so they were loud.  The one child who hasn't reached driving age has a little go-kart which is horribly loud and he likes to ride it up and down the street, making loud noises and screaming loudly.  They play loud sports and have loud friends.  I can't verify it but I believe they found a way to make their car horns louder than stock.  Only the house itself isn't loud but rest assured if there were a way to make the house loud, it would be a loud house.

Then there's the Crazy Lady next door.  Every neighborhood has one.  She yelled at my wife because the dog had the nerve to walk on her grass.  There was also some vague complaint about `our bees biting her' but that was a while back.  She has been observed vacuuming her lawn.  One day she put the street sign about leaf collection on my front step.  Mind you, my wife helps her out with medical issues now and then.

Then there's Sparky, the NOF (Nasty old F-er) who lives out back.  He gets upset when the dog barks.  Since the dog barks once to come in or go out, Sparky's constantly mad.  I have a sneaking suspicion this really isn't dog-related but I keep my opinion to myself.

The rest of the neighbors are sweet as can be.  No trouble.  We don't bother them and they don't bother us.

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Last week I came home and discovered a card in the door.  It was from Township Code Enforcement.  My wife was out of her mind with all the possibilities of what the township was going to require us to do and how much it would cost.  It got so bad she insisted on me calling the guy.

This would not be our first run-in with the township.  Because of me, my township has a NO SLINKY Ordinance (don't ask).

So I called.  Really nice guy.  He seemed amused.  Apparently the township commissioner got a complaint about planting materials on the lawn.  He got sent out and found some planting materials on the lawn but nothing in the way of a code violation.  We laughed.  I told him about the Crazy Lady who vacuums her lawn, who probably lodged the complaint.  We laughed again.

So it appears that the Crazy Lady, who sends us Christmas presents, called the township commissioner to complain about planting materials on our lawn.  

And if her house blows up, *I* am the bad person.

I'm speechless. 

(like that will ever happen again)


But wait.. I have a solution: I am going to pile up all of the planting supplies on the line between our houses.  And spell her name with them.

Remembering Davy and Stuff

The wife and I spent a large part of the past weekend watching the Monkees marathon on Antenna TV.  Antenna TV is the second worst broadcast tv channel available, the first being THIS.  But since Antenna has been running the Monkees, we have been watching.

The schedule was every episode from both seasons then their movie (Head) late Sunday.  I couldn't wait, noting that I had never seen Head.  My wife remarked she had, about four times.  I suggested that I watch and she practice.  This was followed immediately by a large amount of tea coming from her nostrils.  For some reason I usually end up wearing a lot of what she drinks.

Like the Beatles, there will be no reunion.  Mike never really toured with them so even the touring Monkees are done as we know them.

I have vague recollections of watching the Monkees when I was little.  I remember enjoying the show but being bothered that they were lip-synching.  I might have even had a little Monkeemobile but that was quite a while ago.  As reruns came up, I watched.

In addition to Davy, we lost Ronnie Montrose over the weekend.  He was a talented guitarist for whom Sammy Hagar sang at one point.  All this loss has got me to considering the inevitable numerical end of this sequence.  In other words, they're dying off at the old end and we're not replacing them on the young end.  This will eventually leave us with no one.  Seriously, are we going to know, hear, or care when Coldplay dies?

Where is our next Led Zeppelin?  Jimi Hendrix?  Even the Monkees?  Yes, we have mountains of prefabricated product at our disposal and that's what they are: disposable.  This is the inevitable conclusion of record company greed - where everything is product, everything is the same, and the Great Unwashed doesn't know the difference.  Turn on your tv and watch.  Or better yet, turn it off.

Rolling Stone magazine once said Kurt Cobain was the next Hendrix.  This was the precise moment I gave up reading Rolling Stone forever.

We might want to consider bodyguards and live-in physicians for Jimmy Page, Jeff Beck and others, in our own self-interest.  Mister Page might not relish someone bursting into his mansion and demanding he undertake a serious health regimen but hey - we're buying his stuff and we need to watch over our investment.  It's purely out of love.

At least we still have the Rolling Stones.
Sort of.

Viral Straitjacketing

Man Drinks Gasoline From Jar, Dies After Lighting Cigarette


There is simply no way you could have seen that coming...

Snooki is pregnant


There's just way too much material here.  First of all, who donated the sperm?  It must have been one ugly procedure (even if it was a test tube).  Next, in what universe isn't Snooki's birth control paid up years past her expected last date of menstruation?  I know mine is.  And just in case, my wife's too.


6 Men, 6 Women on Philly Priest-Abuse Jury


Presumably the defense rejected everyone under six as too provocative.


New ad at DC Metro station tells Obama to 'go to hell'...

And take Congress with you!


Tax breaks for mustaches!

They're trying to steal my `tax breaks for the left-handed' thunder again.

The TSA - in Your Pants and on Your Highways

Somebody please stop them.


"Black Madam" Arrested at Butt Pumping Party


In other news, people pay for BUTT implants?  What's next - gut implants to make you look fatter?

----------------

What's the difference between Britain and Kentucky?

Kentucky: DAMN.. that there's a TORNADUH!

[actual text message] Britain:  We seem to be having a bit of a tornado.