The Last of 2015

Happy New Year to all of my odd, impaired friends and strangers who come by because they mistyped a URL. And people from other countries: this blog is not indicative of America in any way.

It's been an interesting year.  I started a new job, to raucous applause. As a result, the pets lost their Couch Buddy. Damned if I can remember anything else.

Stay safe. Do not drink/drug and drive. Good health. Prosperity. Only minor hangovers, if any. Come back in 2016 and bring your friends.  - Mrs lefty, lefty, Marshall, Ren


I leave you with the final entry of 2015:
All is now right with the world, as in New York, people will be able to purchase kosher medical marijuana.

Put Your House on the Internet - What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

In some regions of the Indian state of Maharashtra, second or third daughters are not given a name but are merely termed 'Nakusha', meaning 'unwanted'. No comment yet from Nakusha Clinton, Nakusha Kardashian, or Nakusha University of Missouri.

• Donald Trump met with black pastors, claiming 'great love' in meeting. What Donald forgot to mention was that the 'great love' was the love Donald feels for himself. The pastors looked around, in sheer disbelief.

In yet another Faceyspaces Fracas, it turns out that Phuc Dat Bich might not have been the real name of the person who got his page shut down multiple times.

Faceyspaces will be expanding parental leave for all employees. Provided the birth is live-streamed and all rights to the baby revert to Mark Zuckerberg.

• Hatred, a controversial violent video game, is coming to linux sometime soon. It opens with a Windows 10 screen and the goal is to eradicate it before your computer slows to a crawl and your head explodes.

Predatory ISIS wrings money from those it rules. It may be considered an 'import duty', not a bribe. If not paid, one can be arrested or have property destroyed. This is in addition to the normal ISIS practices of smuggling oil, plundering bank vaults and drumming up donations from wealthy supporters.  Wait.. are we still talking about ISIS?

• It was only a matter of time: Your Christmas tree lights may be slowing your wifi. Or that's what Ofcom claims, offering an app to check.  In other news, your doorbell is impacting your oven temperature.

Brain scans have proven that there is no such thing as a male or female brain. It's just that a man's Central Processing Unit is centrally located.

• You might want to run your computers, tablets, and related accessories during a blackout. Here are tips on how to select an Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS - as differentiated from UPS: America's largest, brown-suited basketball team).

RELEVANT: The blind woman with multiple personalities who switched personalities and could see. Fascinating read and oh so true.

• This dog walked two hundred miles to get back to his rescuer. Get out your tissues. Look at this woman's eyes.
• While we're on the subject, a pit bull stayed by her owner's side after a house fire in Maryland. Ironically it's illegal to own a pit bull in that particular county. They are appealing.

NOT THAT IT'S RELEVANT HERE: but San Francisco police are getting breathalyzers that detect marijuana.

Speaking of which, according to an actual scientific study (not performed behind the convenience store with a few buddies), pot is said to ''cause psychosis-like effects in healthy people that's similar to schizophrenia'. It's been an awful long time (high school?) since I inhaled but I don't remember a single psychosis-like effect. Perhaps some of you 'know someone' who smokes and can comment on this finding.

• BEST HEADLINE OF THE MONTH:  G-string wearing homeless ex-lawyer high on crystal meth and crack cocaine mistakes woman and kids for giant panda

Authorities are seeing cases of a rare disease called tularemia, also known as Rabbit Fever. Symptoms include fever, a white tail, and huge pointy teeth. Meanwhile, University of Missouri leaves class and marches 'for the bunnies'.

• President Obama, in a rare Sunday address, said that "freedom is more powerful than fear," as he advocated another attack on the 2nd Amendment.

People are choosing gender-neutral pronouns. Instead of he/she, some wish to be referred to as they/them. These people sure came late to the party - Multiple Personality Disorder has been we and them for years!

• News You Need: The first penis transplant performed in the United States could happen in the next few months.

Novate, CA man did not know that on Thanksgiving, that he would soon be in a life-and-death battle with a crazed squirrel. An 87 year old man got bloodied, fight a squirrel that terrorized the neighborhood. Gimme yer nuts and no one gets hurt.

• SO this guy in the Bronx rents out his home as a club, where women strip and lick whipped cream off each other. Neighbors are outraged.... that they can't get in.

MUSIC MATTERS

Tommy Emmanuel will blow the top of your head off with this medley. Be careful.. I know from experience that brains are extremely difficult to remove from ceilings. Tommy needs no drummer. Or anybody else for that matter. He comes from Australia but please don't let that affect your impression.

While we're on that musical tangent, enjoy Michelle. The man's a virtuoso.

Tommy going Over the Rainbow.

And I'll close with the master, Jeff Beck, also Over the Rainbow. Look at the smile on his face as he ends....

I would have guessed Star Wars

Happy Whatever

To my loyal readers: Happy Whatever.

Wishing you health, happiness, and chocolate.

May you be touched by the Flying Spaghetti Monster's noodly goodness.

Going for the Boobie Prize

Donald Trump has proposed a ban on Muslims entering the country. I propose a ban on politicians entering D.C. Let the Muslims clean up their own garbage.

• NICE GUY NEWS: a woman bit a TJ Maxx employee after stealing underwear. It has not been specified whether the woman or the employee stole the underwear.
• A naked 19 year old man's attempt to hijack a Federal Express truck was foiled when he could not figure out how to drive it.

Scientists have figured out how to create infertile mosquitos. It's an awful shame they haven't figured out how to create infertile Kardashians.

• James Comey, FBI Director, said the California shooters were radicalized 'for some time'. Funny, that didn't stop them, did it? Another chapter in Security Theater.

Flying Spaghetti Monster holiday cards are back!


Never let it be said that Philadelphia isn't a warm, welcoming place. Just the other night, some samaritan deposited a severed pig head at a mosque. He even went to the trouble of having it smoked. Also this week we had three students violently assault a high-school teacher. The city of brotherly love strikes again!

Philly's own mayor, Michael Nutter, wants to ban Donald Trump from Philly. When asked for comment, Philly said it wants to ban Michael Nutter from Philly.

• The latest digital threat? Distracted walkers. Distracted walkers veer off course by as much as 61 percent while texting, tweeting, reading and walking. And taking selfies, no doubt.

In Florida (of all places), a man was pulled over by state police for speeds of 100mph and DUI. While this is not out of the ordinary in Florida, it was 3pm and the driver was naked.

• Porn star James Deen, recently accused of three six eight nine ten rapes of fellow porn stars, is 'completely baffled by the allegations.' In addition, his company is being investigated by OSHA. Because they don't use condoms.

One of the biggest disappointments of the last 7 years, Obama aside, is Joe Biden. Before the elections, he was the Great White Hope of Silliness, taking every opportunity to shoot himself in the foot. Since the elections, he has been silent. A recently leaked memo from Edward Snowden shows that between the odd appearance, Joe is literally handcuffed to his chair. He's let out strictly for public relations and every other Tuesday, he's waterboarded by Dick Cheney.

• Dirty Dancing is going to be remade for television. Because, you know, we NEED this.

Meet Excel 2016!   No.

• The Vatican has announced 'irregularities' after $22,000 found in a desk. Thou shall not steal.

A sign in a South Carolina gun store says, "Want to piss off Obama? Buy a gun."

As it turns out, gun sales have taken off like mad during Obama's tenure. Here's a conspiracy theory for you: perhaps 'gun control' was invented by the NRA.

• The president has implemented 'emergency measures' as border surge overwhelms immigration officials. Hey - didn't you allow this in the first place?

So you want to watch some synchronized swimming, aka water ballet, but it's missing a certain oomph? What do you do? HINT: everything's better with Led Zeppelin. [Stairway warning]

• It's been a while since the Planned Parenthood shooter first appeared in court. Yesterday he erupted, causing his own lawyer to want to 'explore issues of competency'. I'm pro-life and I'll kill you to prove it.

Sailors repeatedly filmed women undressing on a sub. Does this mean the Village People weren't gay after all?

• Microsoft Edge has inhereted many of Internet Explorer's security flaws. Don't use it.

How to avoid the new Star Wars movie.

• A Polish priest and government supporters performed an exorcism on a newspaper to purge the 'lies of the media'.  You know, Father.. Polish jokes don't just appear out of the blue.

A MODICUM OF MUSIC

Today is the Day of Cray. Robert Cray, that is. Robert is, as you'd expect, a fine guitar player, singer, and writer. You can see him playing the part of a bass player in Animal House. What's not to like?

One of his biggest hits is Smokin' Gun. Great, fun guitar playing and soulful singing. Surprise ending. An almost humorous lead. My late Bad Band used to murder this song but in spite of that, people always enjoyed it.

Nothin' But a Woman is cool riff-based song. Listen and enjoy. Plus, how can you not enjoy a line like 'tell me a boatful of lawyers just sank'?

The Forecast (Calls for Pain) has hit written all over it. Catchy riff, strong emotion, approachable theme. And some cool playing.

The Concert

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

To Amuse and Confuse

A Chicago woman is tired of all the violence. Her idea for the fix is to call a "sex strike". Women agree to abstinence until the men of the community put down their guns. She said "you have to hit people where it hurts."  Why stop there - world peace or you get nothing.

• The Islamic State paper carried a picture of the Schweppes soda can and materials used to make the bomb that took down the Russian airliner. The ironic part is that the airline charged the passenger three dollars for the can.

What do you do when hundreds of protesters are outside of the building where President Obama and other leaders of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) group are meeting? Crank up the Katy Perry on a convenient p.a. system!  Nothing gets rid of unruly mobs like Katy Perry.

• A woman started strolling down the lanes of San Francisco's Bay Bridge, while stripping down to her underwear. It took California Highway Patrol twenty minutes to corral the offending stripper. In a move nobody could have predicted, police took the lady to the San Francisco General Hospital for a psych evaluation. What could possibly be wrong with spreading a little joy to some poor folks driving home from work?

As mentioned a while back, a woman who was carrying a loaded gun in her vagina when she was booked into jail is about to be sentenced to several years in jail. The arrest is part of Tennessee's successful new Gun in Vagina-Go to Jail program.

• The University of Missouri will march today, demanding that the KKK stop wearing white robes.

SCOOP: I'll bet you didn't know that today is United Nations World Toilet Day. Who says the UN is a useless organization? WARNING: link contains toilets.

• Watching the College Entitlement Festival is somewhat alarming these days. A Columbia student claims to be traumatized by reading about white people. I did not make this up.

A Pennsylvania woman accused of running a prostitution ring said her only crime was operating a massage business without a license. As for sex, she said she charged fifty dollars for a massage and if anything else happened, it was just between friends. She did not solicit but did accept money afterwards. Why can't we all get along? And where is this massage place - just for the sake of accuracy, of course...

• Apple Music chief says finding music is online is too difficult for women. I routinely say Stupid Things and hear about it later, but this guy hit one out of the park and into the next country. See? Nothing good comes from Apple.

In 2005 the CIA was in federal court, refusing to disclose its federal budget. From 1963.

• In case you never gave it any thought, adults all over the world are looked down upon for choosing not to have children. And I thought it was tough being a libertarian.

GOOD NEIGHBOR POLICY:  ISIS has been warned that if they are planning attacks in New York, they will have to contend with the Sicilian mafia. There is no word on whether New York has been 'asked' to pay for the protection.

• Remember the God Hates Fags people? This is a really good story about one of their members.

It's Black Friday(-ish) time and there may be deals to be had. Consider this Oral-B SmartSeries Electric Rechargeable Toothbrush with Bluetooth!  Hang on... with Bluetooth? A toothbrush. With Bluetooth. Do we perhaps need to start it early, like our car, to warm it up? Does it communicate with your phone to assess your brushing prowess? Does it summon the Tooth Fairy in emergencies? Will it call an ambulance if your teeth stop responding?

BRIEF BIT O' SOUNDS

• Something About Rosanna: Rosanna Arquette is really something special. I cannot tell you how I know this. She is the direct inspiration for Toto's Rosanna and Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes. She must know stuff.

This guy discovered a bug in the linux Gnome desktop.

Sometimes the Cat is a Real Asshole

We don't call Ren by his old nickname (Satan) anymore, largely as he has pretty much grown out of that phase.  You may remember that as a kitten, every year at Christmas, his only goal was to disembowel our tree. He'd climp up around and inside, knock off branches and send expensive ornaments plummeting to the ground. After a few years of this, we gave up on trees. We wound up with a one foot imitation tree. He left that alone as it wasn't enough fun to go Full Destructo on.

Having had his fill of tree disemboweling, he turned his attention to herding. People herding. It is said the most difficult thing is herding cats but it's really unnerving to watch a cat herd a person. From in front of them.

When a person stands up, the only possible reason for this is that they're going to feed him.  So he leaps up in front of them and immediately slows down, somehow effectively herding them to his food bowl. It took a while to figure out what was going on.. I thought he was just being a dick and throttled the urge to punt him.

The other night he pulled a new one. I was walking along for the purposes of letting the dog out when Ren ran in front of me and sat down.  He's done weird things but this is New and Exciting Weird. After I ignored him, he ran past again and sat down. When this did not produce whatever effect he desired, he ran ahead again and laid across a doorway.

AHA!  I finally figured it out, when the dog wasn't coming to the door to be let out: Ren was sitting and laying in front because Marshall will not cross him.  Marshall, thirty-some pounds of cocker, will not cross twenty pounds of cat (but he will push the cat away from his own food bowl and eat everything in it). He just sat there and whined like a little girl.

I guess you have to get your jollies where you can.
I love my cat but sometimes he's a real ass.

DINSDALE!

Just in case you're short of good news lately, scientists have identified a new type of sexually transmitted disease (STD) that often has no symptoms (NS). It is estimated that one percent of the porking population is infected. But since it has no symptoms, carry on!

Thermionics send best wishes to Charlie Sheen after his HIV diagnosis. Although none of this is any mystery, we prefer to remain in the 70s, where sex, drugs and rock n roll didn't have life or death consequences. We're behind you, Charlie (so to speak).

• Glass Houses: Donald Trump referred to Hillary's hair as 'massive'.

SCHOOL PC POLICE RUN AMOK

Students all over the country are about to march against debt and for free college. Personally I agree: they should march. Right back to their classrooms. If they think free college is free, their math department is failing to do its job.

A Houston high school just held a Unity Meeting. The sticky point was that only African-American students were invited (parents were not invited either). Administrators stated that the intent of the meeting was to improve the academic performance of the students. So... Unity Day does not invite whites and the purpose of Unity Day was for African Americans to improve their academic performance. If the point of Unity Day was to offend everybody, the school succeeded beyond its wildest dreams.

A nine-year-old Texas boy has been threatened with sexual harrassment charges after writing a love letter to a classmate. This fella is going to need some extended sensitivity training. And nightly cold showers.

• "Sextrepreneur" plans series of hedonistic sex parties in the Bible Belt. The natives are restless: they prefer their hedonistic sex parties in dark basements, public restrooms and Capitol Hill.

A couple goes to a rental storage facility. She undresses, asking if he wants any. He suggests she lay down. She doesn't like that position and strikes him in the head with a solid object. As if that weren't enough to express her displeasure, she moved the car while he was halfway in, running over his foot. The moral: if she wants to, do it, and do it the way SHE wants to.

• A Secret Service agent has been accused of trying to have sex with a female under eighteen.  Aw, it's just not fun anymore. Can't they get back to what they do best? (Columbian hookers)

WHOOPS: The Kremlin says that plans for a Russian long-range nuclear torpedo should not have appeared on Russian TV news. The Kremlin is very sorry and kindly requests that the world forget it saw the news. The Kremlin says that the nuclear torpedo is capable of hitting Missouri.

• Over at Denny's, a woman became unhinged when a waitress told her she couldn't share her $4 all you can eat special with her friends. The police arrested her. University of Missouri students marched, demanding free pancakes for everyone.

Thousands of men around the world are to be sterilized in what organisers dubbed a global "vasectomy-athon". No matter how many of you beg, I am not going.

• The BBC would like to apologize for the following headline: "Stock markets steady but airlines fall"

The Flying Spaghetti Monster triumphs again! After a legal appeal, we can now wear a colander in a drivers license picture in Massachusetts. Next up: Pennsylvania.

• A French airport experienced a traffic backup the other day. This was due to lack of technicians who could work on Windows 3.1.  Windows 3.1. A French airport runs a system on Windows 3.1.  I'm a critic of our Air Traffic Control system but these guys take the cake. Hey guys - got any 5.25" floppies?

The mother of one of the Paris bombers said that he "didn't mean to kill anyone" - he blew himself up because of "stress".  He blew himself up over the stress of having to blow himself up.

A neighbor of one of the suicide bombers was intereviewed. He said the bomber had a nice haircut and seemed to be a nice guy.  

• SELFIES: According to a study by Pew Research, one million selfies are posted on the internet every day - most, 48%, go to Faceyspaces. The biggest offenders are the millenials (born early 80s to 2000s).
• And for a happier life, give up Faceyspaces. A study showed that people who went without it felt happier than others.  I rest my case.

MUSIC

I'm going to take you way back to the seventies. Peter Frampton was huge, there was a gas crisis, and these guys were all over the charts: Bachman Turner Overdrive. BTO came from Winnipeg, Canada, which explains their outrageous accents. Bachman Turner Overweight might have been a good alternate name, but the guys have all slimmed down these days (I say this out of love-they are important to me). You know them from the ridiculously overplayed Takin Care of Business and You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet. Let me see if I can provide a different point of view.

BTO went through a bunch of personnel changes, with the original crew being largely Bachmans, with one Turner. One of the Bachmans left and was replaced by Blair Thornton on guitar. This was the hitmaking lineup. Later on there seemed to be a revolving door. At one point, Randy Bachman (guitarist, vocalist, writer) wasn't in the band. Surprisingly enough, Bachman and Turner reunited recently, sounding like they never went their separate ways. They hauled out all the vintage recording equipment, making this almost another BTO album. As if that weren't enough trivia, Randy was a member of the Guess Who, responsible for the singing guitar in American Woman. Randy's latest release is Heavy Blues and it's damn heavy.

Roll On Down the Highway was another of their hits. They were very popular with truckers and this song was one of the reasons why. They always managed some interesting guitar interplay and the odd tone that worked well in the context of the song. An unsung (sorry) vocalist in the annals of classic rock is C. Fred Turner (the C stands for Cindy. No it doesn't.) His growl is instantly recognizeable. This is one of the few times that bands let the bass player sing. Best lyric: "I'd like to have a jet but it's not in the song"

Let it Ride should bring you right back to the 70s. If you weren't born yet, it won't.

You'd be hard pressed to identify this as BTO. It's called Lookin Out for #1. Randy can play a bit of jazz too.

One of my BTO favorite is Free Wheelin. It's a hot instrumental and dedicated to Duane Allman.

If I had to go with one album, it would be Not Fragile. If you like this sort of thing, I encourage you to dig deeper. Most of the songs remain in memory.

Don't Send a Man to Do a Woman's Job / RIP

My wife forgot to pick up a few items last night so she asked me to get them after work, as the list was in the car.

"Yes, Dear," I told her, not thinking.  And not thinking is the lever point upon which this entry teeters and wobbles, kind of like a see-saw with a large farm tractor on one side and a mid-size hippopotamus on the other.

They were out to get me today, although I have no idea who They are or why they wanted to get me. It certainly has nothing to do with my medication, which isn't the kind that calms the voices, although some suggest that kind would benefit me greatly. 

My flat tire light is screwing with me. Not in a quiet, sneaky way, no... it's more of an overt, cackly way; disclaiming responsibility and looking all innocent-like. Because of Philadelphia (The City That Ate Your Car), I've had to repair rims and purchase tires. One tire manages to want air about every week, down slightly from two weeks. Just for fun, another wanted some air - perhaps it was jealous. Now that the tires look and check out fine, the light is back on again. We have this incredibly handy compressor that plugs into the lighter socket and will blow up tires until the cows come home. Where the cows went and their manner of conveyance is a matter of pure speculation. Perhaps the cows (or the tires) just like watching me get the compressor out of the trunk and fill up tires, to the lovely tones of the car's warning beeper.. ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh went the compressor. DING. DING. DING. DING went the beeper. It's the same noise that drives me insane when I unfasten the seat belt (the device that holds your dead body in the car after a crash).  So none of the tires needed air but at least I got dirty.

On the way home from work I hit a small bump. Normally this is not worthy of notice but this time the blue tooth adapter was in need of attention so it dutifully lept out of the socket, ruining my drive home music. I will confess to having NO patience for electronics, which is a bit of a shame, as I use them at home and for work. There's something about this happening in the car that sets me off like the fourth of July. The adapter becomes airborn, then I use it like a hammer driving nails into the dashboard, all the while screaming like a madman who really needs those medicines we discussed earlier. Even though it's cold outside and we all have our windows closed, everyone around me saw violent movement and got a monosyllabic vocabulary demonstration of immense proportions. Simultaneously I was hearing the voices (that I don't have) reminding me that we don't do this shit while driving. Fortunately this was a red light.

Once I reconnected the entire apparatus and reassured the phone that the blue tooth adapter was still connected to it and screamed a little less loudly, I was off with the green light.

It was in the grocery store's parking lot, after I tripped a few times on my double-tied shoelaces, that I realized what was about to happen. I was not born with psychic abilities, nor do the meds provide it. When I looked at the list, it was mercifully short, well written (my wife's handwriting varies wildly) and completely generic, composed entirely of her mental shortcuts. As she was not there, I couldn't not decipher her mental shortcuts. And let's face it - how accurate are men at figuring out what a woman wants, even if she is there to tell you in plain English? It's like those old spy movies, where the Secret Phrase identifies you to the other spy: "The elephant flies with the penguin at dawn."  Huh?

MAN GOES SHOPPING

Before the University of Missouri marches and accuses me of sexism and White Privilege and demands that I be fired from my post as husband, I need to tell you that shopping does not belong to any specific sex: it belongs to one specific person who does the shopping. In this case, it's my wife. She knows Stuff. She knows how much Stuff there is in the house and how much Stuff needs to be purchased, as well as what kind of Stuff needs to be purchased. Unfortunately this is not properly communicated in the list she gave me, which was sitting in the open, where she left it (in the trunk, under the little black thing that barely functions as a spare tire, past the jack that even Albert Einstein cannot accurately place under the correct part of the car).

The first item was bread. This was so simple, even I could figure it out without too many mental gymnastics and potential high rates of failure. Next on the hit parade was butter. Butter probably makes an awful lot of sense to my wife, but to me it is a decision fraught with indecision, bordering on sheer terror. How much butter? What brand of butter? Salted or unsalted? Yellow or festive rainforest packaging? Half sticks or full sticks? Or it would be a trick, where she actually wants the yellow tub of "I Cant Believe You Call This Crap Butter Substitute."

Then it was time for potatoes. People who do not shop do not know the great variety of potatoes and their uses. You don't buy the russet potatoes for mashed potatoes. You do not buy the golden potatoes for chocolate pudding. And you do not, under any circumstances, buy the little ones for PI. They come in bags, you know. Bags of many sizes. Five pounds. Ten pounds. Oh My God, I Just Got a Hernia size. There is simply no way to grok this.

Lastly, thank heavens, is milk.  Unfortunately this is where things start to really fall apart, historically. And just as history is wont to be, they fell apart this time. I'd be a fool to think this would turn out any other way. I don't even know what happens with milk but there I was, standing, transfixed, like a pubescent boy in a whorehouse, only I didn't feel all that appreciative of the wonders and possibilities of milk. It might be that there are four huge walk-in doors of white liquid that bewilders my mind. One percent, two percent, three percent, four; lactose intolerant, local, four times the price and more! This was made even more difficult by the sizing.  Apparently I wanted the most top-secret of all milk products: the half gallon of milk. Plain old milk. Milk from a cow, with minimal processing and no indication that it was Organic on the brightly-colored label. Just f-ing milk, thank you very much.

Shaking my head, I went to the least crowded checkout line. This was one of three lanes open because no one in Manglement figured that people shop at five o'clock for dinner or anything. I should have known the shortest line was pure illusion and was not disappointed: the line was at a complete halt, as the lady in front of me had already paid but was putting each item in what looked like handkerchief rollups she brought for this very purpose, as her home planet does not permit plastic bags.

I rolled the cart up to the automatic door, which failed to open. This begs the question of what kind of entity I am that is not recognized by automatic doors. Perhaps They stopped it from operating as intended, I dunno. I parked said cart carefully so it did not roll itself into traffic, no matter how amusing this would have been. The cars don't stop for people, no less carts.

By the time I got home, I needed an extra half hour to figure out how to carry five heavy plastic bags and my briefcase in one trip. This is because I'm a man and men don't make more than one trip. And trip is what I did - have you ever seen anyone trip up the steps? The bags did not break as they usually do when I carry them, so I was in luck, right up til they started to catch on random knobs, doors, pets, and the odd elephant in the house (not a pet).

After I tripped, again, on my double-tied shoelaces, I sat down to type this out. It's therapy, no matter how many tell me I should seek a much more effective (and expensive) type of therapy.

RIP STP

Scott Weiland (48), original singer of Stone Temple Pilots, died in his sleep last night, on a solo tour.  This is definitely a bad way to find out the rest of your tour is cancelled. Scott suffered from bipolar disorder, which probably drove his serious issues with alcohol and drugs.  Rest in peace, you brilliant, stupid son-of-a-bitch.

San Bernadino

Our sympathies go out to the victims and families of the ongoing shooting in San Bernadino. The audio is available here. The cowards shot up a home for the disabled.

Meanwhile, the current occupant of the White House has already called for gun control. Oddly enough, he used the last shooting to call for gun control. The incident isn't over yet and he's advancing his goal of neutering the Second Amendment. After all, he's gone after so many of the other ones.

He should do the honorable thing.


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If you're a guitar fan, we're on Twitter-   @leftyguitar1
Maybe some non-guitar content too.

COPS is filmed before a live studio audience

• When it really needs to be out of this world, the pros use linux. On the International Space Station there are seven laptops running linux-based software. On the Russian Segment, there are about seven laptops, which are also linux-based. The Curiosity rover, doing its thing on Mars, is remote-controlled with the help of a linux machine from Earth.

I learned about haggis from the source that taught me most important things in life: Monty Python. In spite of the fact that I urge you not to click on the link, curiosity will get the best of you (and you will live to regret it). Haggis is a Scottish dish and the Scots have been trying forever to get haggis into the US market; the problem being that sheep lungs are banned from being imported.  Sheep lungs. Say it slowly.. s-h-e-e-p  l-u-n-g-s. Savor it. This delectibly delightful main ingredient has been on the no-no list since 1971. The Scots are suggesting that the recipe be 'tweaked' to allow import to the US - we owe this to our Scottish brothers.  What do you suppose is a similar experience to sheep lungs? Goat intestine? Elephant brains? Eye of newt?


Students demand and receive resignation of University of Missouri president. Students further demand that Niger change its name because it's racist.

•  Movies: I don't do movies often, possibly because I have the attention span of a gnat. Somehow I managed to take in the latest Mission Impossible, the one co-starring Simon Pegg. Lots of great action, as one would expect (and I'm not a Tom Cruise fan). Also an unexpected bit of fun called Rikki and the Flash. Try to imagine Meryl Streep as an aging rocker, fronting a band in a dingy bar, with all sorts of family issues. She's a hell of an actress.

Smartphone injuries: 43% of people have walked into something while glued to their screen, while 60% have dropped their phone onto their face while reading. And this is before selfie-related injuries (SRI). 16% have fallen off gym equipment, 44% burned themselves ironing, 35% tripped over their pet, 28% hammered fingers, 27% fell off curb and 27% walked into a glass door.

• Russia is denying reports about state sponsored athletic doping. This is the difference between Russia and the US: Russia uses dope - America puts them on tv.

The Missouri University Police Department has urged students to report any hateful speech they encounter on campus.

• A change in sense of humor can signal a sign of impending dementia. Symptoms include laughing inappropriately at tragic events, loss of inhibition, and more impulsivity. Many developed a dark sense of humor.  Well, folks... see you the next time around - it's been grand. I gotta go soil myself.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is visiting President Obama to mend US-Israel ties. They both agreed that a few billion more in financial aid should do it for the time being. University of Missouri students march, demanding Obama take sensitivity training.

• SeaWorld is going to replace the 'Shamu' killer whale show in San Diego. Kim Kardashian's ass not available for comment. BaZINGa.

The president is coming dangerously close to fulfilling a campaign promise, requiring immediate attention. The promise to close Guantanamo Bay is controversial, but the president has come through again: he has promised to close the prison and send all the inmates to Dick Cheney's basement. A brief poll of inmates reveals that they have no problem with Guantanamo Bay at all, thank you, and look forward to spending the rest of their lives there. University of Missouri students march, demanding free waterboarding.

• Do you own a Vizio smart tv? It is the worst spying offender yet. The tv that watches you back.

OK Faceyspaces users:  Facebook has decided it doesn't pester its users enough, so it's going to use its facial recognition technology as the basis of a new nag-screen.  The ad network is testing a feature in its Android app that will scan a user's recent images for photos that look like their friends. If it spots a match, it'll ask if the photos should be shared with other people in them. It is being tested on the Australians first.  Just thought you'd want to know.

• President Obama says he didn't break his promise by sending ground troops to Syria. Because when he said, "No boots on the ground," what he meant was, "JFK was the first Jewish president". It was a simple misunderstanding.

Hassan Rouhani, Iran's president, said that US-Iran ties could be restored but the US must apologize. And when choosing for sports, the US must wait til after the Fat Kid gets picked. University of Missouri students march, demanding the US create a 'safe space' for Iran.

• Sony is ceasing production of Betamax tape. Stock up!

• High Thermionics: You should NOT take micro-doses of LSD while you're at work. Who could have seen that coming?
• Dolphins get high on puffer fish and pass them around. Don't bogart that puffie.
• Catnip only works on 70-80% of cats. University of Missouri students march, demanding catnip work on ALL cats. But only the black ones.
• When you give drugs to spiders, unusual web patterns ensue. So don't give drugs to spiders.

From an alien viewpoint, we are a primitive society whose major activity is tribal warfare - Stanton Friedman, father of ufo research

• In case you haven't had your sugar for the month, Ihop has Caramel Bon Bon pancakes. I'm a chocolate guy but these things were really good. Think caramel topped pancakes with creamy, sweet globs between them. One bite and you'll spit out your pancreas. University of Missouri students march, demand Free Ihop Franchise per Student.

MUSIC AND POLITICS?


Here's a timely tune called Vote for Me, by Joe Walsh. It was released a long time ago but some wag added pictures, featuring special guests Vermin Supreme, Ron Paul, and Pat Paulsen (for you old folks). The lyrics are written out. Enjoy some reality hilarity.

A Frightening Lesson in Futility

One of my very bright friends called me over the other day, because his computer was 'broken'. Broken is a very large word, meaning everything from it's slow to it's on fire. They say if you teach a man to fish, you'll teach a man to fish every day, and that's the case here. When I show him the problem and tell him how to make sure he doesn't cause it again, I watch his eyes glaze over. He is no longer hearing me. In fact, he's off somewhere in his Happy Place<tm>, perhaps on some island somewhere, sipping Dunkin Donuts coffee and reading a good pornographic medical tutorial for Continuing Education Credits.

I'm not positive, but I suspect this might be a clever defensive offensive mechanism... if he seems so seriously disconnected, people will get frustrated because it's faster to just fix it for him than to bring him back from wherever it is that he went.

The laptop is a really cute, thin jobbie. Unfortunately it's a Dell. Yesterday it was announced that certain new Dells shipped with malware already installed that will let a malicious entity (Dick Cheney) take over the computer (and presumably fly it into a building). As if this weren't enough, the interface was weird. And I'm talking weird for Microsoft, which is a stretch. It came to me in a blinding flash: this was WINDOWS 8. He bought a laptop with Windows 8. It hurts deep down inside that people shop for laptops without taking the operating system into account. What's worse, Windows 7 and 8 keep trying to turn into WINDOWS 10 [shudder].  I remember this idiotic screen system from the server version. You simply cannot find anything. It's that way on purpose. Microsoft got all their design people together in one room and distributed large quantities of mind-altering hallucinogenics. At this point someone had the brilliant idea to hide all of the familiar buttons and functions. START MENU? Who needs it? This idea met with raucous applause (and no small amount of reflexive vomiting and cheering).

So, after all the hangovers dissipated, the rework looked questionable but they went ahead and hid all the important functions and features in a way that no one would find them. Because it was good for us.
So there I was, attempting to find stuff. You know, to install helpful programs and tweak things. No start menu. It was like a flashback... PTSD... all the screaming about the server and the piece of crap alleged graphical interface. You can't get there from here. I also want to cause mental anguish to the guy who came up with the Ribbon, equal to the anguish the users feel.

I installed the Normal Windows Precaution Bundle (Firefox, Malwarebytes, CCleaner, Revo Uninstall) and did a cleanup (because you have to clean up the initial install of this alleged operating system). It was sluggish. It was ugly. It bothered me in a way an operating system shouldn't. I want to force Bill Gates to use his own operating system - that's a lot of punishment. Trying to make Internet Explorer open with a blank page was an exercise in futility, especially with the time (and patience) I had left. Mind you, it worked perfectly in Firefox.

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Next month is Frank Sinatra's 100th birthday.  He will not be celebrating.
However, precisely at midnight, alcohol vendors the world over will ring a bell.

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This is a really bad time of year for headlines about Turkey downing a fighter jet.


The staff, wives and pets of ThermoinicEmissions wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. We hope there's lots to be thankful for. I'm thankful that you stop by to read this.

2015 Fall Philly Guitar Show

Yes, kids, it was time for the twice-yearly religious pilgrimage to the Fall Philly Guitar Show; so named because it's not really fall and it's not in Philly. I suppose the Oaks Guitar Show doesn't have the same ring, but what do I know about marketing (except that they only hire attractive people).

We were quite happy that the show moved back to the larger hall. This means we weren't too close to the Furries, which was a real gift. We were, however, next to the reptile show. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I'll leave it up to you. In a backhanded and sneaky way, the Expo Center generates revenue for the county. They have precious few handicapped spots but the Mounties prowl the parking lots for any violation they can invent spot. Handicapped placard the wrong color? That's a ticket. Parked outside the lines? That's a ticket. No insurance? That's a tazing. Considering that most people come from Philthydelpia, there are over 50% uninsured. That's a lot of tazing. The police carry howitzers in their trunks, just in case.

As is the norm, right inside the door are the Greyhound rescue people, with some of their dogs. You'd think a racing dog would be running all over the show, knocking $125,000 guitars to the floor, but no. Most were perched or sacked out on their huge beds. I went up to one particularly immoble fella and noted to my wife that the dog was just like me. She agreed and put a few bucks in their bucket. The story here is that the racetrack owners (in Florida) use these dogs until they're done, then dump them to shelters or rescues, who try to find them good homes.

Business seemed brisk and there were some interesting things to see. The left-handed count was a little meager but it's always fun to see what's there.

The first intersting booth (table) I saw was Taylor. They were nice enough to bring a few lefties. The saleslady told me they make all their guitars in lefty. This is the kind of company we need to support (never mind that the guitars are really nice and feel and sound wonderful).  Martin was also there, with a complete and total lack of anything left-handed, although they do make them.  That was mostly it for the large manufacturers. Most everything else was small vintage dealers from all over the place. And Asian folks, who are smart enough to purchase a lot of guitars then sell them back to us at outrageous premiums. Be fair - they have a vintage market too.

Taylor 210 - $699: good price, good guitar

Taylor K16ce - $4132: not crazy about the color but it played like butter, with a slight V-neck, slightly expensive

Taylor 814ce - $3499: really sweet, a bit out of my current range

Unfortunately, the show is not a good place to try out acoustic guitars. While you can get a feel for the feel of the guitar, you pretty much have to hire someone to stand a few feet in front and tell you how it sounds. Fortunately I had my wife and she has a pretty good ear. One of the few joys of being left-handed is the attention you draw while trying out a guitar. I call it the Spaceship Effect: Hey Martha - he's a-playin that there gittar the wrong way round! Lookit! I could walk on water and not get the same reaction (trust me, I've tried it).



You were likely to find all sorts of vintage guitars, amps and accessories, as well as the odd cheap new guitar and one really good guy who had parts out the wazoo, down to screws. There were some ancient Marshall amps, including a 20w head. You don't want to know the prices. There was even a `74 full stack (I have a `74 half stack - great amp). There weren't enough Fender tweed amps but more Stratocasters than you can shake a stick at (for those with a burning desire to shake sticks at things). You could purchase anything from a $300 Mexican to a six-figure `54 Strat. There were ancient Esquires and Teles that you could ogle and perhaps even play (with your first-born as collateral).

Need pedals? There was no shortage of them, from cheapie distortions to new micro-pedals, to the obscenely-priced Strymon units ($250-450). Mitch Colby was there with a very sweet-sounding amp of his. Warrior had a huge booth (of unhelpful, snotty, hair dyed black employees who sneer at lefties). One guy had a bunch of Nash Strat and Tele-style guitars. Nash builds them like vintage guitars. I really like them, in spite of never having held a lefty.

At one booth, we spent some time discussing ugly finishes. Never having heard of Gibson's moonburst, the very attractive lady yanked out her tablet to look it up. I figured she completely regretted having appeared at a sausage-fest but she admitted that she found some eye-candy and that she actually had a hand in building the guitars. She did really good work.

1991 Strat - $850

Carcass bass! $125

great color - American Strat - $950 - NJ Bass and Guitar

Tele - $399 + Strat - $449 - NJ Bass and Guitar

Axis - $1399, Epi LP - $499, Schecter J-Bass - $399 - NJ Bass and Guitar

Partsmaster - $599

1968 J Bass - $7595: if this were a Strat, the price would be out of this world

buncha Taylors - thanks for bringing them!

1971 Strat - It's sad when the most expensive lefty is only $11,000

I think the most interesting or bizarre sight was this nice gentleman with his seven-string Warwick bass. I believe his name was Chris. He played really well and offered to let me have a go at it. The neck on this beauty is wide enough to sit ten people for dinner. I struggled in vain for something that sounded like an E but failed miserably. Chris was kind enough to point out that the reason I was failing so miserably was that there were NO open Es. There were a bunch of F#s and Bs. Not being that good, I handed the beautiful instrument back to him. It was very easy to handle and light. I dared not ask the cost.

All in all, it was fun. Maybe next time I'll know how to use my phone's camera and maybe even take some shots of other interesting things.  See you next summer for the spring show.

Disneyland Belgium

Today the Disney franchise announced the opening of Disneyland Belgium.

The world is sick and tired of all the terrorist bombings, shootings and suicides, so Disney has created the perfect safe space for terrorists, terrorist wanna-bes and general thrill-seekers who are terrorist-curious.

Terrorists, heretofore referred to as guests, can feel free to collect intelligence, suit up with an appropriate bomb belt, and take out multiple targets, all without harming innocent people or themselves! For a small additional fee, guests can blow themselves and a small crowd of simulated innocent citizens to smithereens. A medium-size stadium with real simulated sports fans (with or without gate screeners) can be rented with a week's notice. For the truly ambitious pro, a simulated plane flyover, filled with simulated innocent passengers, can be arranged (remember - if you blow it up, it's yours!).

For the large-scale instigators, bent on declaring jihad and inciting violence, huge venues filled with simulated mujaheddin can be arranged, complete with screams of vengeance and adherence to the word of the Koran.

If you're a nation-state, guests can rent a village or town, filled with innocent, lifelike citizens and simulated farm animals for something to do in your time off. Please call for rates.

If you truly like danger, UN peacekeepers can be rented on the ground and French warplanes can drop real bombs on your location. You'll be perfectly safe because President Obama has pledged that there will be no boots on the ground in Disneyland Belgium.

Need that special souvenir to make all your freedom-fighting friends jealous? Purchase a real imitation monogrammed suicide belt.  Get a headscarf featuring Goofy slitting the throat of an infidel. A Mickey Mouse AR15! A picture of Minnie Mouse being used as a jihadi wife (frame extra).

No guns, knives, belts, improvised explosive devices, or rocket-propelled grenades will be permitted past the main gates. You can purchase all of these at our conveniently-located kiosks all over the park, for a low members-only price (plus a 40% bribe and a 50% return deposit).

Call now for package deals, airfare included, or just sneak across our borders.


Disneyland Belgium - come on in and never leave!

Smell the Table

My mother is weird. Yes, how can she not be weird, considering her son (I hear insanity goes upstream). She got a table recently that smelled. You certainly can't argue with the statement, no matter how weird it is. While waiting for the furniture store to pick it up, my wife happened to be at the house and Mom explained about the table.

"Smell it," she said.

My wife, not used to sniffing tables, assured her that she believed her.

"SMELL THE TABLE," she insisted.

The wife knows not to poke the tiger with a pointed stick, so she smelled the table. As it turned out, the table smelled largely like a table, whatever that smells like. Rather than argue with a woman carrying a very sharp knife, she agreed. I forgot to mention that this is the third table.

• I just found out that the Crazy Lady next door refers to our house as the Addams Family house. I shall wear that like a badge of pride. What confuses me is how a 438 year old creature knows the Addams Family. She existed hundreds of years before television. She will exist hundreds of years after television. When our ashes have washed off the guitar stores where they've been spread, she will still be there, cackling and belittling her new neighbors for not being up to her standards.

According to a new working paper by the National Bureau of Economic Research, hot weather leads to diminished 'coital frequency'. For us Thermionic non-academic types, this says that global warming means less boom-boom. We, as Americans (and readers from all countries), need to come together (<--see what I did there?) to counter this very discouraging statistic. So when you get home, boink your significant other and announce proudly that you're doing your part to battle global warming!

• No more Me and Bobby McGee: A Florida man (of course), named Bobby McGee, has been convicted of stabbing his wife nineteen times. His (somewhat shaky) defense was that he was stabbing her as part of an exorcism, to drive the demons out.

Administrators at Vassar College put the Constitution through a paper shredder. Professors are saying that the Constitution is "oppressive" and "causes people pain."  I never went to college (I couldn't pass the drinking exam) but this really twists my head around, like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, shooting pea soup in a 360 degree arc.

• If you're heading off to Galacia, Spain, for the Clitoris Festival, you're going to be horribly disappointed and terribly embarrassed. Google Translate didn't. It somehow translated rapini (a leafy green veggie) with the clitoris (a large chocolate marshmallow candy). I can personally guarantee you that there will be plenty of both there, but you'll have significant difficulty finding one of them (moreso).

He did it his way: We sadly note that, in an interview with Robin Williams' widow, Robin had Parkinson's and a form of dementia that would have killed him within three years. He was deteriorating in front of their eyes.

• Turkey's first underwater museum opened the other day.  In other news, one hundred people drown in opening of Turkey's first underwater museum.

After an audit, it turns out that a Kenyan ministry bought sex toys and expensed them. This is the difference between a third world country and a first world country: in Kenya, they expense sex toys. In the US, we expense Columbian hookers.

• Southbridge Middle/High School went into lockdown because a student was waving a stapler and other students thought it was a gun. The way things are going, you'll be able to rob a bank with your fingers making the gun sign.  STAND BACK - HE HAS A STAPLER!

Two weeks ago, the head of the CIA had his AOL email account hacked. Yesterday FBI Deputy Director Mark Jiuliano and his wife had their AOL account hacked, presumably by the same hacking group. Yesterday, over 3,500 government employees' names, email addresses and law-enforcement contacts were leaked online.  WHY DO THESE HIGH-RANKING FRAUDS HAVE AOL ACCOUNTS, some with sensitive information? These are the ogranizations that are 'keeping us safe'. War on Terror! Homeland Security! Fusion Centers! Foreign Terrorists! Homegrown Terrorists! It's for the children!  Safety begins at home, guys.

MUSIC

Phil Collins is set to return to music. Music lovers the world over move to block this rebirth, saying 'There is far too much suffering in the world as it is'.

I can't remember how I found Jellyfish, but it was a fortunate discovery.  The best way I can describe them is a combination of the Beatles and Badfinger or Queen, 10cc and Rembrandts. For whatever reason, they never made it - possibly due to talent.

The King is Half Undressed is a good, memorable tune. It's also a video with very strange, old outfits.
Check out all the goodies on their album Bellybutton. Also enjoy New Mistake from Spilt Milk. This is a serious hit that never hit, complete with George Harrison-ish harmonized slide guitar solo.

He will make a perfect entitled American citizen (but won't apply)

PIRANHA!

When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping - Wife.

SHOES! Buy one, get one free - my wife's favorite department store.

Guess what we did this weekend?  No, go ahead....
After the better part of a week's lethargy combined with the mad impulse to escape the house-as-prison, we sprang forth and invaded the department store. A sale is sometimes indicated by anything from nothing at all to mad American-style consumerism. Mad American-style consumerism is perfectly illustrated by the sale at Walmart, a few years back, that wound up with one dead in the mad rush to get a deal on a flat screen television. It looked like a large, wild herd of cattle, moving through a small gate that is completely incapable of admitting a herd, no less a small grouping or a few members of an old persons' shuffleboard group. It was a horrid study of herd mentality and naked greed, or, as we call it, America.

Upon entering the store, we looked to one side to find nothing at all. The other side, however, caused me to immediately utter, "PIRANHA!" And piranha it was. There had to be about a hundred people descending on a rather small shoe area, devouring everything in their path. It was not safe to get within a few inches of any part of the group, lest we get clipped, bitten or shredded. And this was only the old ladies. Heaven forbid two or four people eye the same pair.. the riot police would have to be called in.

What made this particular mob slightly more dangerous was the presence of men. Yes, the store made the tragic mistake of putting men's shoes on sale too. I hate to sound optimistic (ever) but this mis-shot would have been infinitely more dangerous if it were the other way 'round. A mostly bumbling group of men, waiting for their wives to tell them what they wanted, when suddenly a women's sale is announced, completely stampeding the poor males of the species and leaving them with no direction whatsoever.

But the women are truly the worst. Professional women, turned menacing shrews, prowl the inventory for just the right hooker shoes or, better yet, the right deal on the right hooker shoes, baring their teeth in an age-old display of Shopping Dominance. I saw a touchy-feely social worker rip the head off a baby, to distract its mother, in order to get those black pumps in a size seven.

And speaking of size seven, if you have feet that are sized in any size that isn't seven, you're going to spend a lot of time looking, generally in a futile endeavor (endeavour for our British readers). And they complain that Americans aren't multi-lingual.  Apparently the Shoe Industry thinks all women fit into a range of sizes between six and eight. If women have the misfortune to have feet outside of the Recommended Sizes, they're essentially screwed. Or forever doomed to haunt the shoe aisles, in search of the last pair of really hot boots, which are only available in mustard yellow or blue. While blue boots are not a problem for shoppers whose hair they match, most people tend to flee in the opposite direction. My wife, being of my general height, failed miserably in having a dainty size seven foot. We are thankful that both feet are the same size. Did you know that women's breasts aren't generally the same size? I study this stuff.

Ladies, this part's for you: I am not afraid to go shopping with my wife. She says I'm of great assistance, as I know what she likes and can usually pick out something she might have missed. After she found a pair of boots she liked, I pointed at another table, ringed with a particularly deadly breed of piranha, upon which sat the perfect set of boots [swoon]. Wife was most impressed, they actually fit, and off we were, to the Endless Line. Now when I say actually fit, I mean one of them actually fit. The other was nowhere to be found, hence the Line Without End. The place was so loopy that there was a line for getting the other shoe or other size plus a line to bring back the other size. It was mind-boggling and a little bit frightening.

I understand that all shoes must be tried on because a size nine might be bigger than a ten. Women's sizes are apparently applied by monkeys throwing size tags at random clothing. Whatever sticks is the size. Monkeys also fling poo, but those clothes go back to the industrial washers without sizes.

While this was going on, I tried to maintain what appeared to be a safe distance. My personal space is generally about twenty feet in any direction. I had to lower this to two feet, which started the sweating and shaking, as my fight or flight response kicked in. And I would definitely had fled, if I weren't afraid that my motion would be misinterpreted as a special deal and I disappear in a sea of piranha, with only my bones for my wife to have sent home to her in a (not shoe) box.

Perhaps in a display of what the store really cared about, the line for the cash register ended at the cash register. There was NO ESCAPE after paying. At that point, they had no responsibility for the life and safety of their customers. We somehow managed to escape, with the aid of a saleslady who took pity on me, seeing the amount of bags my wife made me carry. I suggested 'piranha' to her, which prompted a minute or two of a story about taking her son to that movie. Confused but grateful, we ran for the exit.

Unfortunately we ran the wrong way. I suspect this wasn't the wrong way for my wife, as it opened up into a mall.. There is some sort of magic force that pulls her in the direction of SHOPPING. This is a lady who will instinctually go the wrong way out of a store. A few miles down the mall, she spotted a Choo Choo Charlie's. This is an undeniable attraction, similar to the way a jungle cat pounces on a live buffalo or convenient sofa. This is a store that a man cannot possibly understand and is better off staying outside, checking email and surfing the exciting world of internet pop-ups. The store has twenty-five displays. On each display is the same merchandise in one color. There was a red display, a turquoise display, a blue display and several other colors that a man cannot distinguish or name. Unfortunately, staying outside of the store causes the man a conundrum; whether it's safer to stay outside or to follow her inside to prevent more damage to the bank balance. Fortunately we escaped unscathed.

Until we came upon the Shoe Store. This was a different shoe store, therefore it merited further inspection. And what did our eyes spy in the first aisle? The fringy black suede moccasin boots we've been searching for all our adult lives. Whee! For anybody counting, we're now effectively at buy two, get one free, from buy one, get one free. Everywhere we went, there were salesladies enablers. "But we can't be done shopping - you still have arm space!" she observed excitedly.

Bruised and battered, we made it home. Then we went over things she bought but did not necessarily remember (every day is Christmas when you're highly dissociative).

Ultimately, the joke's on her - next week is the guitar show.

Definitely Maybe

Bohemian Rhapsody celebrates its 40th birthday on October 31.  Queen guitarist Brian May still rocks out to it in his car. How was it made? I'm glad you asked. From Freddie's concept to the stages of recording to video to radioplay to live performance, it's a great story.

• Somebody call Goodyear!  A $2.7 billion Department of Defense unmanned blimp got loose and floated over Pennsylvania for a few hours (and when I say 'got loose', I mean it got confirmed shot down). The purpose of the balloon is to detect a missile attack, although Spy Machine is certainly another mission. To keep things interesting, the steel mooring cable dragged along for the ride, shorting out power wherever it went along the way. A recent investigation by the Baltimore Sun found the program "hobbled by defective software, vulnerability to bad weather and poor reliability." Apparently this is not a new phenomenon - they have gotten loose in Afghanistan on a number of occasions. IT'S COMING FOR US. AND OUR WALLETS!

A West Virginia [uh-oh] assistant prosecuting attorney has been suspended for pulling a pistol on fake spiders decorating his office. In my professional capacity as an amateur blogger, I suggest that this man's meds be re-evaluated.

• lefty has a credit card with a $5,000 limit. lefty has run smack into the limit. lefty calls the credit card company and negotiates, over seven days, a new limit of $7,500. lefty fully plans to spend up to the new limit and start the entire routine again in six months, claiming he'll pay his balance down (with a wink).  Congratulations! lefty has just explained the national debt and what Congress just did in passing its 'budget'.

There is now a Zombie Disease.  Called Cotard's Syndrome, it makes a person think they're dead. Why the hell can't we have a disease that makes people stop taking selfies? Where Cotard's makes people think they have no brain, the new syndrome installs a proper-size brain. Come to think of it, I used to walk up to automatic doors and they wouldn't open. I wonder if I'm a zombie....

• An Italian doctor has been suspended from practicing in the UK after failing an English language test. In America, we promote them.

Apparently the Chinese targeted Anthem Healthcare to learn about US healthcare.  What's there to learn? Pay a lot of money to a huge corporation with solid political ties. The corporation then tries (and succeeds) not to pay a single cent in compensation. What's so complicated?

•   Hundreds of immigrant families caught illegally crossing the Mexican border told U.S. immigration agents they made the dangerous journey in part because they believed they would be permitted to stay in the United States and collect public benefits, according to internal intelligence files from the Homeland Security Department.

The school president of the University of Louisville, KY, has apologized for staff wearing Hispanic halloween costumes.  Apparently putting on a sombrero is racist and the entire staff now has to take diversity training. Colleges now designating Halloween costume sensitivity consultants.  Scottish Diversity Committee has decreed a no-kilt policy.  Jewish Anti-defamation League forbids rabbi costumes. Paranormal Response Group says NO GHOSTS.  ACLU is suing, claiming bias against witches and pagans in general. Muslims offended over birkas. Christians say ignore halloween. In fact, the only group that isn't complaining is the American Dental Association.

In other news, Walmart has its own SWAT team to prevent 'embarrassing' Halloween costumes from hitting the shelves.

• Robot buses are coming to America!  The only question is how they will get the buses to drive as poorly as human bus drivers. Can you program a bus to go through a red light?  The buses are made in France, so at least they'll be full of disdain for American bus-riders.

It's better to burn out than it is to rust?  My wife came to me, in an upset state, to inform me that our stove was rusting. Of course our stove was rusting - it's been so quiet lately. Technically she's correct; that little panel under the display has rust spots. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? Well, you can take it off, scrape and sand the entire thing down and repaint it, perhaps in your spare time. As for me, it's on my list, but waaaaaay down at the bottom, under dusting.

• You know that feeling of relief you get when you drive through an intersection and the light changes, but you made it ok?  Relief always turns to outrage when you check your rearview mirror and find that another car went right through the light and is just about inside your trunk. Bastards!

China wishes to remind its citizens that the new Two Child Policy goes into effect in March, therefore the One Child Policy is in effect until then. American math, hopefully similar to Chinese math, indicates that prospective parents can start fucking now: whatever arrives will do so after March.

• Japan and Korea have agreed to accelerate talks to resolve a row about Korean women forced to work in Japanese brothels during World War Two. Reportedly, Japan has offered to return them to Korea no later than this weekend.

Hacking group Anonymous is planning to reveal the identities of 1,000 KKK members, as obtained from the Twitter account of a clan member.  Wait - the KKK has computers?

• Sometimes a man can get in trouble, through no fault of his own. Like when your girlfriend answers with a simple hello, and you're in the shower and it's your wife on the phone - Joe Walsh, Certain Situations.

Hero of the Great Unwashed, Mark Dice, has another video, this time asking Hillary supporters if they support Sharia (Muslim) law in the US. And you know they do....

PRIVACY:  A popular iDevice encryption app has just been released for android.  I figure if Edward Snowden uses it, it should be good enough for me. It's called Signal and is available from the Play Store.  I'll assume none of us has information that's so critical it needs to be encrypted. But this isn't about criticality; this is about the right to privacy.. the right to NOT have your communications intercepted and put in a file somewhere for future use. I'm using it now.

Definitely Maybe?
My hero, Jeff Beck, released Definitely Maybe way back in 1972, on the Jeff Beck Group album. This is a wonderful instrumental. The thing that really does it for me, theme aside, is the multiple guitar tracks during the 'verse'. The way they're stacked and play off each other is really interesting and musically satisfying; for lack of better term, well-orchestrated (specifically at the end). It is also the only known (to me) use of a slide with a wah pedal.  The more than able keyboardsmanship comes courtesy of Max Middleton, who did most of the keyboards up to about Blow by Blow. Great stuff - it's a shame he's not with Jeff Today. As this is from an album, you'll hear a bit of click. Enjoy!

Dog Training