It's Not Polite to say Coccyx in Church

To my readers:
A very happy new year to you and yours.
To us and ours too. 2019 has been total crap and the faster gone, the better.

You know who you are: we miss you every day.



seen on twitter:

Just witnessed an airport proposal. She did not say yes.  [@wleaming]

Christmas came early for that guy. He really dodged a bullet there. [@JesseKellyDC]

After Mozilla got word that Avira and AVG Firefox extensions ate all your data, they pulled them. They're now back, after the extensions reduced the amount of tracking data being sent to their servers.    Seriously?

• Flying Robot Vacuum. If this ain't the Fifth Horseman....

Dear lefty

• What is your New Years resolution?
• To stop answering stupid questions.

Yeah, I discover things really late..
Go to your phone's app store and download some sort of online radio listening app. You may be surprised at what you can listen to... I did a search yesterday and came up with a lot of interesting UK radio; comedy and rock. There's sports, xmas stations, 50s music, and sports. It's also a great way to remember which musicians died recently. The foreign stations are very interesting, in that you can't understand what they're saying. This is just like the TOP HITS stations in the US! If you can't find something interesting, you're not hitting PAGE DOWN enough.

Speaking of dead musicians, "    ,    , and Palmer" won't be touring. Palmer is holed up in a steel room (he thinks) Death can't get into.

50% of the Beatles won't be touring, as will 50% of the Monkees. I wonder if the ones who died are getting together in the afterlife. John Lennon, George Harrison, Davy Jones, and Peter Tork. They can call themselves John, George, Davy, and Peter, singing songs about the live ones who left them but are eventually joining the group. The dead ones are occasionally joined by the 5th Beatle, producer George Martin, and the 6th Beatle, Billy Preston.

If Danny Gatton isn't dead, he'll be shocked that all of his guitars are for sale.

Kurt Cobain remains dead, but he has an excuse. Have you ever seen his wife?

Only 25% down is Led Zeppelin, however the one causing all the trouble is an alive one.

Badfinger has not one original member left, sorta. The guitar player joined after the first album came out, so he didn't play on it. He counts as the only one not dead (and is reported to be hiding out with Palmer).

It's a bad time for Jimi Hendrix, but he is more prolific dead than any time he was alive. His sister is making a ton of money, releasing all sorts of stuff and putting his likeness on barstools.

Nobody from Deep Purple is dead, but the members change monthly, so it's difficult to tell.

Zappa remains wherever Zappa went after he left, but his progeny, Dweezil, tours the country, playing his music. Dweezil is probably the only one who can play Frank's music.

The Allman Brothers are now Brothers of the Grave, with exactly two original member above ground. There's Jaimoe, and sometimes I wonder if he knows he's still alive. I watched him shining his cymbals once, during a song. And there's Dickie Betts, recovering from a near death involving falling off something (or someone). There were a lot of Allman Brothers, hence a lot of different deaths: cycle, tree, shotgun, and cancer. Strangely enough, not from drugs.

Chicago never recovered from the death of Terry Kath (guitar/vocals). No one else has died, except their career.

The three Kings of the blues have gone underground: B.B., Freddie, and Albert.

The entire ELO band disappeared, so it's possible they're dead. They were all replaced by Jeff Lynne, the voice of ELO.

Joe Cocker is no longer Feelin Alright.

As for the Winters, remember that Edgar is the living one and Johnny has departed. Sometimes Johnny looked dead long before he died.

Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead) has flown the coop. The only good news is that supplies of JD and meth have returned to their former numbers.

Slade is still on the road. Nobody died - the members just quit at random times.

Robert Palmer no longer sneaks Sally through the alley

Ritchie Hayward and Paul Barerre's departures have gutted Little Feat.

The Turtles (Happy Together) are alive and touring, as part of retro package tours. I don't think anyone died, or at least Volman and Kaylan haven't. Cancer tried to get Volman, but he won.

I need a hobby.

• Why do cats always land on their feet?

Conversations with the pharmacy

Hi, it's lefty. I need a refill on #125843.
Yes, we can fill that in 2 weeks.
Two weeks?
Yes, 2 weeks. The birth control, right?
I can assure you, nobody in the house, including the dog, takes birth control. Do I sound like I take birth control?
Oh. I musta got that number wrong.

You musta.

• Faceyspaces will stop mining contacts with your 2FA number.
• No they won't.

I miss the Old Days<tm>.
On New Years Eve, we'd sit around, complain that the fireworks displays were too crowded, then complain about the idiotic New Years shows, then ask "They call this shit music?" We'd play Flip the Nephew to figure out which show to watch the ball drop, talk about how much we hated last year, and go back to shooting up.

Come to think of it, just like every year!

• Just when you thought the NSA spy satellites were new: giant surveillance balloons. 2020 will bring us Giant Flying Octopusses with Telescopes. 

Today I identify as  an xmas tree, out on the curb

• If I played football, my position would obviously be offensive lineman. Or offensive quarterback. Maybe offensive coach.

No maudlin, semi-serious, sardonic, sarcastic blog would be complete without a list of notable deaths in 2019.

• Danny Aiello, 86
• Carol Channing
• Norman Orentreich, 96, "the father of modern hair transplantation"
• Peter Tork [Thorkelson], 77, complications of cancer
• Hal Blaine [Harold Belsky], 90, session drummer (The Wrecking Crew)
• Doris Day [Doris Kappelhoff], 97, pneumonia
• Dr. John [Malcolm John Rebennack], 77, no longer in the Right Place, Wrong Time
• Rip Torn [Elmore Raul Torn, Jr], 88 [not Rip Taylor]
• Peter Fonda, 79
• Valeria Harper, 80, cancer
• Rik Ocasek [Richard Otcasek], 75
• [Peter] Ginger Baker, 80, killed by life
• Rip Taylor, 88, [not Rip Torn]
• Marie Fredriksson, 61
• Dominick Arena, arrested Ted Kennedy after Chappaquiddick
• Rene Auberjonois, famous for nobody being able to spell his name, actor
• Paul Barrere - Little Feat guitar and vocals
• Tim Conway - master comic actor
• Dick Dale - king of surf guitar
• Daryl Dragon - The Captain, without Tenille
• Arte Johnson - Laugh In
• Aleksei Leonov - first person to walk in space
• Peggy Lipton - Mod Squad
• Eddie Money [Edward Mahoney], 70, esophageal cancer
• Art Neville - Neville Brothers keyboardist, vocalist
• Beverly Owen - Marilyn, The Munsters
• Leon Redbone - guitarist
• Charles Sanna - invented Swiss Miss Cocoa
• Carroll Spinney - Big Bird from Sesame Street
• Gerry Stickells - road manager for Jimi Hendrix, among others
• Nathaniel Taylor - Rollo on Sanford and Son
• Lorraine Warren - paranormal investigator, inspiration for the short ghostbuster in Poltergiest
• Bob Einstein - was Super Dave

There's a theme here. Guess what it is.....

Bored?

Check out Death List

Celebrity Death Pool

I really appreciate my existing readers plus the new ones from other countries.
If you're late to the party, this blog has no actual purpose, other than to amuse people and document the owner's slow descent into madness.

Sometimes You're Just a Fish on a Telephone Pole

Twas the day of Christmas, and all through the house
Only one of us was stirring, with no computer mouse.

One of the many wonderful things about living together is the traditions you develop. Over the many years, we've developed many traditions. So there are a lot of traditions but no standards.

I just got done 'putting up' the tree.
It's a good 7' tall.
How did I get it in the house, you ask?
I dragged it, in pieces, from my lovely neighbor, who had a few too many. I don't know if she has a religious issue and likes to keep a lot of them, just in case, or she has a mental issue and likes to keep a lot of them. just in case. This one came in a box, which is a great way to transport your tree home.

I put it together, excited because the lights were already there and wired. My main experience was one of dust. In the basement, from where I carried it. Somebody didn't close the box and it got kinda dusty.

When I say it stood 7' tall, I mean when properly assembled and without the top section leaning over at a 30 degree angle.  At least it had lights. Well, it would have lights, as soon as I could find an outlet. I knew there were lights plugged in last time, so there had to be an outlet.. I just couldn't find it. I can't find an elephant in an empty parking lot. I located one outlet, but the active sparking  dissuaded me.

When I say it had lights, I mean it had lights on the top half. The ones on the bottom half didn't work. I looked around for loose wiring, fearing one bad bulb, which took the entire bottom string out. I found one plug sitting there, but nothing to plug into it. It's 2019, I thought.. plug 2 females together! Better not. I found the male half, plugged it in, and was graced by absolutely nothing. No lights. It's probably mad at me for hate in not letting 2 female plugs go together.

So we have a fake tree, with lights on the top half, no colored lights, no blinkies, and the top bit is leaning left at a 30 degree angle. It's like a Charlie Brown Christmas, but with a larger tree. And fuck it - it's ours!

Unfortunately it's blocking 1 of the 2 windows that let light into the house. There are no others. The house was built in a quantum field, across several multiverses, so when it's rotated 90 degrees, then 180 degrees, sun never shines through the windows. They could have saved thousands by not putting windows in.

There are huge, decoration-like thingies in the window, which were not there on the Eve. Some are red/green, some are blue/white. Blue is generally for Hanukkah, which, I believe, is not celebrated in the house. But very little surprises me.

So there's a very strange and malformed tree on Christmas day, blocking the window; plus decorations hung late Christmas Eve, while I was entertaining in bed without an audience, via my Mattress Dancing, laughing, and random screaming.

You have no idea how happy I am. This is a 102% improvement over last year, when the tree continued its failure to come out of the box and the ornaments weren't even a thought (except buying new ones to replace the long-smashed ones). The year before was the year the kit tree arrived, so we didn't remove it from its box out of respect. The decorations were thought about, but remained true to the tree and never left their boxes (including the new ones, which were piled near where the tree usually goes, where no one would find them).

There would be presents, but I don't think anybody got around to buying them. The presents are for the (internal) kids, who love Christmas, the Leaning Tree of Pennsylvania, and decorations that materialize overnight. Maybe Santa brought them. Maybe Satan - who knows. I know there must be presents, as there are a ton of unopened brown shipping boxes all over the place (Fedex has a truck parked out front from November til Christmas). Since I do the wrapping, maybe most of the gifts are in the basement from the last few years. Unfortunately we sent someone down there last year to search for the past few years' gifts and never actually heard back from him... I'm feeling a little sick... perhaps I need a break.

The great thing about dissociation is what we call Christmas all year around. You can literally wrap the same presents over and over, and they're new each time!

I specifically ask that no one get me anything. Although it sounds a bit Bah Humbug-y, it's better this way. I'm a little off the beaten path (really?), so people don't know what to get me. This results in the most bizarre gifts... cologne. Sports Stuff. Wrong size t-shirts (from my mom). Things made from apples (I'm allergic). A set of postcards picturing outhouses (ok, that was cool). Beer (don't drink). Surgical tools (I pass out at the sight of blood). Barbie car seat covers. Underwear (women's... hey). A welding kit (used). Gasoline purity tester (they want me to be safe before I drink). And a ten foot pole, for trying to wake Wife up before the late afternoon. My Christmas stocking came with a garter belt (I stopped asking years ago). The dog got a ton of stuff, including many valuable stuffed animals belonging to the wife.

The children were all snug in their beds, because it was 2:00.
2:00pm.
I'm awake because we're supposed to go to the family party. She's asleep because it's her family. I spend most of my time there hiding from loud children. And loud adults. The nicest present I ever got was my own panic room there, that I can sit in and not be bothered, while still getting credit for showing up. I say hello to most family members first - do you think I'm rude? This is what happens when you put 73 people in a house designed for 5, and put out 4 chairs.

There sure are a lot of dogs there, which means I have someone to talk to, but Penny, and before her, Marshall, couldn't go because they don't like dogs.  Just a chip off the old block... I don't like some of their owners. Besides... when I don't hide, after a while, Wife signals that I'm doing that thing she doesn't like... what was it... oh yeah - talking.  It's becoming more tolerable, though. The adults talk and everyone under 30 stares at their cell phones. Some of them are texting each other. These will be the first people to get the Brain Chip.

My family is doing something too. I'll be damned if I know what it is. They stopped inviting me after the sheep incident (don't ask). I only get invited when I'm standing there and someone else says the party will be a lot of fun. They turn to me and say, "Oh. We're having a party. Last minute. Open house. You can come. Leave the dog at home - you have no idea what she does to the deer."

I'm expecting a new guitar.
I won't get one, but I'm expecting it.

In his mercy, my boss gave me time off. I got half of Christmas day this year!
What have I done with it?
Brought up the xmas tree, mowing down everything in its path. Waited for everyone to get up. And typed this shit.
If this ain't an existential crisis in the making, I don't know what is.

In answer to my Existential Agita, it came to me yesterday... my place in all this.
I work to make sure everyone else gets presents.
Like some sort of warped Santa Claus.
One that's not particularly jolly.


UPDATE:
Mrs lefty has a headache so bad, Mussolini named a child after it.
Ain't goin' nowhere.

UPDATE to the UPDATE:
In violation of my strict No Gift Policy<tm>, a very nice child got me a set of wireless ear podlike thingies. The thing that concerns me is that they came out as Apple products, so my android phone may reject them.





Credit where it's due: last summer Mother Nature did a tremendous job on sunshine - we had lots of it. Now that we're back in Cold Season, we're back to 6 days of rain per week. People are jumping off buildings.

For some strange reason, it's sunny out today.  Then cloudy. Then sunny again. I walked to the window only to discover it was sunny, but it was also snowing. I hate it here.  I have no problem with Arizona's 100+ degrees with little humidity and no clouds.




The army put together a group to study Remote Viewing, as documented in the movie "Men Who Stare at Goats." In short, remote viewing allows a person to 'see' something that's somewhere else, from their chair. I hear you can also view things from times other than current.  The only problem is that you are not viewing things like a picture; you're getting impressions of features. Richard Dolan, ufo researcher and author, interviews Tracey Dolan (his wife) on remote viewing (she's a viewer). This is not a conspiracy theory - it's documented fact, and most people have the ability to do it, with a little training.

• Why are there now emojis on email subject lines? This must be stopped.

Dear lefty:

• I heard you are lactose intolerant.
• I am generally intolerant; this includes lactose.

The FBI has gone far out of character lately, first warning people over the evils of smart tv privacy leakage, and now the risks behind using free wifi while traveling. The FBI is perfectly correct on both issues, which should also take you aback. But we need to know why, all of the sudden, this is being let loose. I think that they're jealous of the other organizations who steal your data. They have an intrinsic belief that all of your data is theirs and others getting it first disturbs them to their core. Old J. Edgar is spinning in his grave (in a nice, taffeta ball gown).

• Finland offered its citizens a free crash course in AI to educate them. They're translating it and will put it online for everyone else shortly.
• A government educating its people. 
• WAR ON FINLAND! We cannot have this sort of thing happening in the world.
• Somewhere in America's northeast, Bernie got his first hardon in 25 years and has no idea why.

If you need a quick laugh, and who doesn't, read this little ditty on Faceyspaces, lawmakers, location tracking, and 'certain security functions.' The sheer creativity, legalese, and attempts to appear innocently stupid are breathtaking.

Today I identify as  a black female Jewish lesbian for Christ, atheist division

"Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts." - Frank Zappa

Sitting around, shoveling popcorn into my mouth, I was shocked to discover popcorn on the floor. I missed my mouth. I didn't think that was physically possible.

• Wondering about Gatwick Airport's drone issue? Listen to the police commander's version.

It's my unfortunate end-of-year responsibility to bring you the worst passwords list. Hint: 123456 is still #1.  Are you guilty? How much shaming will it take to get you to use a more secure password? It takes nothing extra but provides more security.

• Remember the PinePhone - the $150 phone that will run open source operating systems and not steal your data? The very early review is in.
• Reminder: this is incredibly early in the process. Only suitable for developers at present. Actually using it as a phone/text isn't ready for prime time. When it is, the phone will be formidable. I'll have at least one. Goodbye, Goog!

Heroes of the Stupid

Rise of Skywalker falls short of predecessors. Ranks as the lowest opening of the most recent three films in the saga.  Gee, ya think 9457 sequels has run its course? It's Schadenfreude Day, folks!



SJW Sickness

A researcher who lost her job at a think tank after tweeting that transgender women cannot change their biological sex has lost a test case because her opinions were deemed to be “absolutist”.  The judge said her social media posts/opinion were 'not worthy of respect in democratic society'.

This is a perfect example of the slippery slope of speech in England. This lady's views, posted on social media - not at her job, offended people, therefore they are not worthy of respect and not rehiring her was just fine and legal. Her views had less than zero merit. You don't have to agree or disagree with her to have concern over where this is going.


ACLU calls for tampons in men's rooms in order to achieve 'menstrual equality'
The date on the article was not April 1 and Fox isn't known for this sort of gag.

On the other hand, Menstrual Equality is a bitchin' name for a band.

We Need to Have a Talk. About Your Pancreas.

To my readers:
Happy Whatever
Put the Flying Spaghetti Monster back in Christmas

Be with family and friends.
Exchange good will.
Drink.
Eat.
Be merry. If you can't be merry, be miserable.
Get drunk.
Curse members of your family.
Remember: it's always darkest before the lights go out completely.
Don't forget, kids: xmas is one of the most depressing times of the year.


And if you're feeling particularly miserably depressed, reach out.





Why is there glitter on my keyboard?
I'm the only one who uses it.
I don't own any glitter.


As happens on most days, I'm sitting there, minding my own business at work, when a meeting pops up. This isn't anywhere near as bad as most places... my boss grew up as a tech, so meetings are short, informative, and to the point. However, and there's always a however, non-boss meetings do not conform to that style. They're virtual, so we have to sit there, nodding our heads, while the lights blink and we sing songs of loyalty to our employer.

No, wait, I mean we sit there, noting some sound is coming out of the speaker, and do something productive. Yeah, that's it - productive. Then we check the speaker again, to make sure no one said our name or we don't need to go THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH!

Naturally this was one of the second kind of meetings.
This job is just slightly weird. This is a grave improvement over most of my other jobs, especially the Twilight Zone<tm>, where each meeting existed solely to go over the last meeting, then schedule the next one. This place doesn't like meetings quite that much, but there are still too many; like flu shots or appendectomies.

Last month's meeting was to go over documentation. Did you know that there's a Format<tm> for documentation? Not only is there a format, there's a person. You put together the documentation, send it to her, she marks the incorrect bits in red and returns it to you to fix. So there I was, with a document all in red, even though I had followed the 234 page Style Guide. I thought it was some sort of test... I had the brilliant idea to document something for the next people to get hired, and they 'subtly' discouraged me by telling me it was all wrong. It turns out I was right. No matter how correct the document is, they like to bounce it back to you a few times.

Along those lines, this meeting was also about documentation, but not as specifically. This was about access for people with (visual?) difficulties. A Very Serious Lady talked for several hours (no, wait, it was just one hour that felt like several hours), with a Very Serious Voice, about how our documentation, emails, and anything else has to be for any possibly otherly-sighted coworkers. I'm looking around to see if anyone else is laughing with tears in their eyes because someone's pulling a joke, but alas, no. This place lacks a sense of humor.

The Serious Lady made points about type points, type fonts, graphics, and never publish in pencil- crayon is still the default. Most shocking was the list of things we shouldn't do: underline, fonts below 37.5 points, color, type while not sitting in an ergonomically correct chair, typing on a Monday, and the greatest sin of all: italics. I sat there, looking shocked, when it hit me: this total absurdity is actually part of the meeting format: say completely bizarre things and people will stop Faceyspaces surfing because they're filled with horror. They will actually tune IN because they can't believe what they just heard. Did she really say italics? Are my emails going to have to be in crayon too? What's the font we have to use on Monday, and what happens if there's a holiday on Monday?

Toward the end of the meeting, she was telling us why fonts are important and which bits of them give people trouble. An idea occurred to me.. there are fonts specifically for dyslexic people. I'm sure no one knows about them and they are not the required fonts for the other differently-abled people. If I asked the question, would the entire panel explode? Because I was in that mood.

• Ketamine is showing promise against depression. Sorta.

Dear lefty:

• Why does your wife do all the food shopping?
• Because she's tired of eating ice cream, soda, and candy bars every day.

There's this show that someone told me to watch. It's about aliens, so naturally it was on the History channel. I remember this in great detail, but of course I can't remember what it was called. No.. wait.. Alien Highway (I think).

At some point, there was a guy who might have had an experience with something in the past. They brought in a hypnotist, who put the guy under. Apparently this poor man took a ride with some short gray beings, which he filed away somewhere because it terrified him. While this is going on, the investigators are in the next room, asking if they should pull the guy out of hypno because he's really upset. Because these guys know better than the hypnotist, who does this for a living.

One of the main investigators was a young lady who was a Ghostbuster in her last show. When the men are out, in the cold, hunting aliens, she was in the basement, running around with her Ghostometer, asking if extraterrestrials where there. Fortunately she didn't have to learn too many lines, because on Ghostbusters, she ran around with her Ghostometer, asking if ghosts were there.  It was pretty funny when the guys were running around in the snow. They set up a trail cam and an alarm cam. When they went back to check them, the trail cam's strap had a huge twig in it and was missing a battery. The alarm cam was pointed in the other direction from where they left it. One guy looked puzzled and the other put on his best Serious Look.

The truth about this is that are all sorts of aliens: grays, reptilians, and congress. There are also the little known Joker Aliens. These guys are very smart and able to look just like any of the other aliens, humans, or the 1980s American Motors Pacer. Their thing is traveling around, messing with ufo investigators. It's about all they do after discovering free energy. All their needs are met, they got bored, and now they trawl the universe(s), messing with investigators and other aliens.  Earth is one of their favorite targets, with a population of paranoids, a dollop of deniers, and a government that wouldn't admit that it's light out during the day.

One of their favorite gags was cattle mutilation.
"Hey, I got it.. let's do weird shit to those cow-things. We'll exsanguinate, tear off random bits, and get this - core out their anus!" [mass laughter - especially the anus] "We'll turn off our invisibility shield and make sure they can see us, so they think it's the grays. For good measure, we'll put a cow in the tractor beam, so one poor farmhand, who speaks little English, gets to watch it rise. Then he'll try, desperately, to relate this to the farmer and the police."  [more laughter]

"Wait - I got another one..... we'll dress up as grays, abduct them from their bedrooms, then do silly things to them, under the guise of physical examinations. When we snatch them, we put everyone else in stasis, so no one believes they were abducted."

"Anus. Anus. ANUS. ANUS..." went the chant.

"Why is it always the anus with you guys?"

"Remember Clinton?"  [more laughter]

"Ok, anus. We'll probe their anus. With a special tool Bob made out of a wooden spoon and some tin foil. When they wake up, we start making bleeping noises and throw our voices so they think we're talking in their head. When we get them back, no one will believe them. And they'll blame the grays. That will teach those short little bastards to date our sisters."  [applause]

"Tell us about this Men in Black thing you were thinking about."

"Ok, well, after the 'abduction', the police show up. After the police, we send three dudes in black suits, all looking alike and official, to tell them to keep their mouths shut. Then we steal some silverware and get out. This way everybody blames the government, which couldn't possibly know who got taken or visited."

"Wasn't there more?"

"Oh yeah, we keep visible, so the jets and helicopters will chase us. Naturally we'll leave them in the dust, then disappear."  [applause]

"Remember the royal family - that was hysterical!" [crowd falls over]

"That was a good one. We took video of them and added a tiny little segment where they turned into reptilians. Of course WE were the reptilians." [standing ovation]

"I know everyone's off duty tonight, but you're all invited to the main deck, cuz we're gonna buzz the White House again. Anyone in?"  [all hands go up] "They spent 50 years denying it after the last time we did it. This time we're going to get the banner that says WE'RE ALIENS, STUPID and hang it from the tail of the ship."  [no more... we can't breathe!!!!]


[why do people think I have too much time on my hands?]



Today I identify as an old glove compartment key, way back when they were separate from the ignition key.

• Dear Mandarin Phone Spammers/Scammers: you might get more hits if you try English. My Mandarin is rusty.
• I'm about to go to a whitelist-only phone system, where all calls are rejected by default. Since about 7 people have my number, I won't ever have to worry about it ringing again.

How about those wacky feds?
They got a warrant for 1,500 phones within a certain area, to work on an arson case.  I'd be shocked, but the only shocking thing is that they got a warrant first. Google defends itself by saying it only gives out info when asked by law enforcement.  In the meantime, turn off your location services, and possibly your phone.

• Boeing is thinking about suspending production of its 737 Max, due to their propensity to stop flying in midair.
• On the positive side, Boeing will introduce the 738 Max.

Boeing 7378

A man from country X commits rape. The identitarian right blames all people from country X, and the identitarian left blames all men. Identity politics is poison  - twitter

Do you enjoy arguing with people on social media?
Of course you do - that's how everyone communicates on social media.
I've just spent a few weeks, on a few services, discussing Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder) with 'experts'. All of them told me DID doesn't exist. Alrighty then. They gave all sorts of scientific-sounding reasons why it didn't exist. Alrighty then again. One of my favorites is that the patients are faking it and/or attention-seeking. With the last estimate at about 1 million people with DID, that's an awful lot of attention seekers.

Another is that the therapists led the patients. It's possible that some did, maybe a long time ago, but let's be serious... It's been in the psych disorders manual (DSM) for the last 2 volumes. It's being treated all over the world. The CIA admitted it created Manchurian Candidates (multiples) for spying after they got caught and had to appear before Congress. There are entire facilities to treat DID (or there were - insurance is a bitch).

The 'experts' pelted me with their scientific proof.
I deliberately kept my mouth shut to see how far they'd go.

My wife has DID.
I know many people who have DID - there are at least 5 in my area of the city. There's still a lot of broken people running around the US and Toronto because that's where the CIA did their torture experiments. There are support groups for DID. There are support groups for significant others of DID.

Are you seriously going to tell me my wife's faking a disorder she had no knowledge of? Or that she's attention-seeking? Or that a number of docs who diagnosed her were wrong? That she's not losing time? That there aren't times when things get done that she didn't do? That random people don't 'pop out' and talk? Or that her main therapist was not only wrong, but she led my wife to have the disorder?  Ooh, sorry - I was there. She led nothing. Her first doc said he didn't believe in DID. He had to change his mind when she was getting better with DID therapy.

When I told my wife they didn't believe in DID, she suggested they spend a week at our house. This is one of the reasons I married her.

Speaking of the professionals, people who are allegedly faking DID cannot possibly do some of the things people with DID do. My wife went to the optometrist and asked about colored contact lenses. The doctor said probably not, as her eyes changed color 8 times. The alters have different voices, different genders, different gaits, and different abilities/disabilities. In some cases, one alter may know a foreign language that no one ever learned. Would this be possible if people were faking it?

Someone please save us from the 'professionals.' I shouldn't have to argue with them online. I am not in the psych field, I have no degrees or college education, and I pass out at the sight of blood. All I am is a guy who tried like hell to advocate for his wife (and others) for over 25 years. 

• Do you use Firefox? I do.  Here's 15 keyboard shortcuts to speed up your tasks

Mice watching film noir prompted a study.
Neurons didn't respond reliably.
Thus proving mice are immune to film noir, and therefore, superior.
They're in charge too (of life.. the universe... and everything).

• JBL's new solar-powered headphones promise 'virtually unlimited' battery life.
• The disclaimer states that this does not apply in Philadelphia, because the sun rarely shines.
• This also applies to sun roofs and solar lighting in Philly.

Best headline: IBM tailors Swift relationship....

Heroes of the Stupid

In El Paso, Texas, an older male kidnapped 79 people to anally probe them, while disguised as an alien.




SJW Dribblings

I'm always shocked at white people's ability to nonchalantly walk in the rain like it's not raining. But I guess when you've bathed in bloodshed for centuries, a little water doesn't change much.   - Lor on Twitter

British tech workers propose a fine or jail for anyone calling them boffins, geeks, or eggheads. It's Hate Speech!

Happy Christmas 2019 - The Year is Thankfully Almost Over

To my readers:
Happy Whatever
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Put the Flying Spaghetti Monster back in Christmas

Be with family and friends.
Exchange good will.
Drink.
Eat.
Call some friends you haven't seen in a while.
Be merry. If you can't be merry, be miserable.
Get drunk.
Curse members of your family.
Remember: it's always darkest before the lights go out completely.
Don't forget, kids: xmas is one of the most depressing times of the year. I'm feeling pretty empty and sad just typing this!


And if you're feeling particularly miserably depressed, reach out. Please.





Listen to some really good guitar xmas songs.
Steve Lukather, Neal Schon, Steve Stevens, Stuart Hamm, Trevor Rabin, Zakk Wylde, John Sykes, Robin Trower, Al DiMeola, Ted Nugent.


And more.
Kenny Wayne Shephers, Eric Johnson, Jeff Beck, The Brian Setzer Orchestra, Joe Satriani, Steve Morse, Steve Vai, Joe Perry, Alex Lifeson, Richie Sambora, Tonoyasu Hotei, Paul Gilbert.




I awoke with a start.
There was a PERSON in my room.
This is weird, even for me.
Perhaps he's one of those alien thingies, and I'm in for a ride I don't want to take (including copious amounts of probing).

He said, in that villainy voice that they all have, "I am the Ghost of Blue Cross and Blue Shield. Tonight you will be visited by 3 ghosts. The ghost of therapy past, the ghost of therapy present, and the ghost of therapy future. Don't bother getting up, getting a Coke, or even some of that incredible Popcornopolis stuff, which you hoovered up like you were starving. Just sit there and watch, like you do every day, you slug."

"Listen, Wanker," I told him, cuz I wasn't taking anybody's shit, "How the fuck did you get in here? Why are you disturbing me? I get very upset when people disturb me. Who sent you - the FBI, CIA, or NSA?"

"Stop being paranoid," he chuckled, as he had been warned.

"Give me one reason."

"Err... ummm.... I gotta go," and he simply winked out of existence, like my xmas bonus.


Not again.
"I am the ghost of therapy past."
You got me up for this?
"Be still."
Still depressed?
At that point I saw a noose. No, I saw eight nooses. In each one was hanging a past therapist.  Pretty much what I expected.
There was the one who suggested exercise... if he didn't hang himself, I was going to. There was the one who said she should give me the copay. I really helped her out, though. Almost made me feel better. She lasted a while, until I lent her an expensive book and she told me it got crushed with her car. Perhaps she should've seen a therapist. The one who kept asking how that made me feel. The one who made helpful suggestions, each one of them wrong. Ah yes, the one who wanted me to draw a picture.
Anything else? This is really depressing.
""Err... ummm.... I gotta go," and he simply winked out of existence, like my xmas bonus.

I thought how nice it would be to get back to sleep, when I heard a crash, a belly laugh, and some diet cookies: it was the ghost of therapy present.
"I'm heeeeeeeere!"
Hi, Susan.
"And how has been your week, lefty?"
A little sad.
"I know exactly what you mean. I was borderline suicidal the other night."
That's nice.
"I had to call my therapist."
That's what I would have said.
"That's why you're so smart. You should be treating people."
As soon as I graduate here. So, as I was saying...
"Sorry."
I'm feeling a little empty.
"Oh, empty, let me tell you about empty. My son, bless him, won't come home for the holidays. I'm going to have to stuff an entire turkey into my face. He came from my loins."
I'm starting to lose things too. It's not normal for me.
"Oh, I lose my keys all the time."
I have ED.
"Erectile Dysfunction?"
Explosive Disorder. I miss my doggie.
"Well, as you know, the only one who can fix it is you."
As she said those words, she went right out the window, because she couldn't see it, but she knew the .357 was pointed at her.


Back to sleep. ONE MORE interruption and I really will need therapy. In my prison cell.
WHOOSH. Lights, sirens. Loud clothes. A whoopie cushion.
"Helllllloooooo! I'm Brucie, the Wonder Therapist!"
I'm thinking to myself that Bruce is a little light in the loafers, between thoughts of where I'm going to hide the body. Is there an open window around here somewhere? Who keeps letting these miscreants in - the Wife?
"Boy do I have a deal for you."
So do I. You go away and I won't kill you. Sound good?
"You're a peach. I'm from the future."
Then kill me now.
"In the future, we do things differently."
I'm really conservative that way. I don't like change.
"Don't be a silly goose. Take these and all your troubles will go away."
Listen, Rip, it doesn't work that way. The last time I took those, I woke up in Mexico, dressed in a dirty bedsheet, with the mother of all hangovers. Strangely, the People were hailing me as a leader. I didn't feel like a leader.
"No, that was the brown acid. I got something better.... try."
...
"5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. BLASTOFF!"
You blast off, Mr. Wonder, before I help you.
"Oh dear."
Oh dear WHAT?
"Those work on everybody. I've never seen this before."
I have asshole-resistant depression, tepid talker.
"I'm going to have to go away and ask my therapist what to do."
You do that, Sparky. If you come back tonight, you better be wearing a Kevlar vest. Why should I bother with you?
"Err... ummm.... I gotta go," and he simply winked out of existence, like my xmas bonus.




He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He works for the NSA.
Shield your head for goodness' sake.

Karen, You're a Blithering Genius

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

No Sex, Please - There's a New Star Wars

Unfortunately I've been saddled with Windows 10 at work. Further up on top of this is our Pages section. Read Windows 10 if you want to hear the stories.


"The Walt Disney Co. is asking exhibitors worldwide to warn moviegoers that Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker may pose a seizure risk to audience members with photosensitive epilepsy," 

[correction]
"The Walt Disney Co. is asking exhibitors worldwide to warn moviegoers that Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker ticket prices and tired, endless drawn-out sequels may pose a seizure risk to audience members" 

• RIP Marie Fredriksson (61), from cancer. Sang in Roxette (The Look, It Must've Been Love).

Dear lefty:  

• What's the difference between a smart tv and a dumb tv?
• Its owner

The man who called 911 to report that he was injured by his homemade contraption, which authorities thought was a nuclear reactor may be charged with inducing a panic. There was no radiation, no nuclear power, and the device was a homemade capacitor.  The neighborhood was evacuated for a few hours. The guy didn't purposely incite panic. Now that his neighbors know who he is, he'll no doubt be very popular with them.   Hey Bob, I need a few capacitors - can you whip me up something in the garage? 



Tesla wants to clean windshields with laser beams.
I want people to clean my entire car with bikinis.

• Check this out, by Richard Dolan - a great ufo researcher and author. Watch a few of his videos and make up your own mind.

Today I identify as  a folding chair

In his latest emission, Bernie Sanders promised free high-speed internet for all.  He also announced free houses, free cars, and free wildly-increased taxes.

• Your privacy is gone - you just don't know it yet

Mercedes Benz and Bosch are testing self-driving taxis in San Jose.

What kind of leap of faith does this require? Drive - watch out for that.....OW!

Essential smart tv security tips to protect your privacy.

1. don't buy a smart tv (good luck)
2. don't plug it into a network
3. if the FBI has issued a warning about smart tv's, you should probably start taking an interest (they're just jealous)
4. READ the agreements before blindly agreeing
5. read the article

Yes, I want to go to the recording studio

But they use Macs. 

As soon as they hit RECORD, either the Mac or I will sizzle

This is a predicament.

Work asked me for a personal development plan.
How the hell should I know? Nobody ever discussed it with me.
Guess I'll have to wing it...

• Develop my ability to keep the job
• Develop skills to answer any boss in the correct way, so they leave me alone, while feeling satisfied
• Develop raise-earning strategies
• Develop ways of ensuring that my skills do not make me look like a leader - just a bright tech guy. Don't make me manage people!
• Knowing when to stop. Also, the ability to stop

Cinnamon Coke?
Revolutionary.
Also new for 2020: Oregano Coke, Garlic Coke, Diesel Exhaust Coke, and Orange Vanilla Diet Coke.   Oops, one of those already exists. Guess which one.

Science News: licelike insects munched on dinosaur feathers around 100 million years ago.  Politics truly is the oldest profession.

Heroes of the Stupid  

5 myths that anti-porn crusaders keep repeating

Ring footage will give location to the square inch. So get out there and buy!
Get another for inside the house!

AT&T is raising DirecTV prices again, despite losing millions of customers.
Then they'll complain while customers continue to drop cable.

SJW Silliness   

Greta Thunberg is on the cover of Time, as their Person of the Year.
Fighting the patriarchy does pay!

Do not mourn - celebrate a man who lived life entirely on his own terms

Hey - You've Got Your 5G in my IoT

Apparently the FCC is busy covering up Verizon and T-Mobile's exaggeration of 4g claims. And if you think that's bad, wait for the 5g coverups. Between exaggerated maps, many areas with zero coverage, and most existing phones not equipped to use 5g, thing are sure to get interesting.





Dear lefty:

• If I do a security audit and discover one of the VPs comes in on the weekend to look at granny porn, what do I do?
• Do what the VP does: nothing. 

Then appears the dog, with a candy bar, which she drops on the floor. (chocolate is poison for dogs)
Did my dog just bring me a candy bar?
If it was for her, she would have eaten it.
That is all.

Update:  a few days later, more candy. We need to get her on tv.

• I didn't want to be the one to have to say it, but Camila Cabello is hot.
• I hear she's a singer, but I don't want to spoil the image by listening.
• Who is Mary J Bilge?
• Somebody turned me on to Bill Nelson. He's a great guitar player, but his music isn't listenable (to me). There's a rockin solo, surrounded by something like Devo but much worse. Synth-pop.

Best Headline: Bomb squad investigating reports of a possible small nuclear reactor in side a garage in Columbus, OH.  America is the land of opportunity and invention. They could create a transporter and the bomb squad would still show up.



Today I identify as  that tiny, triangular window that used to be in front of the front window in cars.


RIP Rene Auberjonois (79), Star Trek and character actor, from lung cancer.

• Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar both suspected of campaign fund theft before completion of their first term.
• Watch these ladies: they proved they're real politicians in their first month. They will go far!
• Well, they got caught, so there's room for growth, but still...

Anybody hear any tolerable xmas music?
Not 'grandma got run over by a reindeer' - something worth listening to.
This is a real standard, but it's not music.
This is a new one on me - might be the one.



Ford is going to use McDonalds' roasted coffee bean husks to manufacture car parts.   Now your car will go faster in the morning.

• Scientists' brains shrink after an extended stay in Antarctica
• Wait til they discover Faceyspaces! 

a report from The Guardian: The gene editing performed on Chinese twins to immunize them against HIV may have failed and created unintended mutations, scientists have said after the original research was made public for the first time.     You mess with a building block that you don't fully understand and it may have unintended consequences? Who knew?

• Linux has a kill command. It's a shame real life doesn't.

The press is hostile to the idea of liberty. Most people in the press are for big government. Most people think that the solution to anything, whether it's health care problems, education, whatever it is - it's got to be more government." - Harry Browne

• Hillary Clinton tweets "In the United States of America, no one is above the law."
• Everybody was waiting for the lightning bolt. Even Mother Nature is afraid of her.

There are fewer than 40 cases since it was first described in 1827.
Ossification of the penis. The penis is literally transformed into bone.
Let's see..... penis... bone... ossification.... nah - it's too easy. You do it.



I was right. Again.
I predicted that Melania Trump, a stunning First Lady (imo), does not appear and is not worshiped in the press, like Mrs Obama. This includes mainstream media and fashion press. No one says you have to like her husband, but to exclude her because of him is partisan and childish.. like the press.





Heroes of the Stupid

A polyamorous woman is pregnant by one of her four partners. No to worry - they'll all raise the baby as a 'family.'


Domain transfers at gunpoint are actually illegal. So he didn't get the domain, but he got 14 years.



SJW Shenanigans

Trans activist Jessica Yaniv (WAX MY BALLS!) is again airing her grievances: this time she's complaining that gynecologists won't see her.  Someone needs to explain to these doctors that men people with a penis can have periods and give birth..
    Comedian Ricky Gervais said, "It's disgusting that a qualified gynaecologist can refuse to check a lady's c*ck for ovarian cancer"

Cloning my Service Elephant

I've mentioned the Ring doorbell cameras.
So has Amazon: to the police. They gave the police a 'heatmap' of all devices in an area. While the feature was removed, you can be sure that Amazon would never do it again, nor would police expect them to.



You know how some kids were always the last to be chosen in sports? I was that kid.  No, wait, I was next to last. The fat kid was last. The joke was on them because the fat kid knew way more about sports than I did. That was probably a consequence of growing up without a father. I can't blame my mom for not teaching me about sports (even though she still knows more than me to this day).

I played with the neighborhood kids. They gave me the basic idea and I played along. It was fun - we were little kids, we had a huge drive, and it was very hard concrete. My philosophy on sports (philosophy???) is all applied to the one sport I almost liked; bowling. We can face the fact that nobody, except maybe Einstein and famous supercomputers can score, but bowling was good for me: pick up the heaviest round thing* you could find, and throw it as hard as you can toward the white things. You had to knock down as many as possible. I applied this to baseball, tennis, football, and whatever else we played on the concrete. Because I had no fear, public school gym class was.... interesting. I led a strange tribe, called lefty's Lunatics, who jumped over various pieces of equipment, then (here is the important part) landed on their heads. This explains an awful lot, no?

* you have to find a left-handed ball. You think I'm making this up? Nope - it has to be drilled so the left hand can pick it up.

One day the local kids got skates. This was a little foreign to me, plus I didn't have any, so I'd watch. One day I got skates. Needless to say, I wasn't very good at them, probably because I couldn't apply my bowling philosophy to them. It was all I could do to stand. So there I am, in my non-moving state, and I notice the neighborhood smartass coming in my direction, on his skates. So this is the second time I've been on skates and I didn't have the chops to move out of his way. This little bastard was a few years younger, but everyone knew they were going to find dead animals buried in his yard, after they finally pinned the mass murder charges on him.

Think quick, lefty!
I stood there, arm extended, fist closed.
And the little bastard literally punched himself in the nose with my fist.
He went crying to his mommy that I punched him. Can you see me, barely standing there, trying to explain to Mother Mary that The Anointed One ran into ME? This was a good lesson, although I didn't know it at the time. There's always one asshole, who turns out to have a tiny penis and takes it out on the rest of humanity.

The moral of the story?
There is no moral of the story.
The moral is that if you don't like stories without morals, complain in the comments section.
If you like blogs without morals, bookmark this one.



A Dutch politician is facing 3 years in jail for hacking women's iCloud accounts and leaking nudes.   Sure, one politician who finally does something useful, and they want to jail him. We shall need to see the evidence.



I'm thinking of a new career..... . I want to be a Porn Critic. Just like those fancy d00ds and d00dettes in those New York fake news papers and magazines. Go ahead and review the latest Nora Ephron movie - I'll review Nora's Nasty Nuns (God Never Had This in Mind). One of the movies is demonstrably better than the other. I'll let you decide....

If I were one of those snotty reviewers, my entire job would involve writing two words: "Lacks plot."  Being a porn reviewer, who loves the milieu, I can say anything I want and mean it, without being snotty or holier-than-thou.

• While the anal scenes were spot-on, the fisting lacked realism. 
• When the 12 guys abused the hell out of that 5'2" girl, she kept crying, "More! More!" This is the kind of in-your-face moment that had me rewinding to see it again and again.
• No. I refuse. No clowns. A porn reviewer has to have his standards.
• This reviewer has never beheld a movie with such dedication and reverence for the form: of course I'm talking about Greta Does The World. It's the heartwarming story of an (of-age) girl, driving around the world, going around the world. Spreading her message of spreading in many countries. Becoming a world celebrity for f_ckng. It was 90 minutes of pure joy (and countless money shots). Of special mention was the scene where she tried to fsck the entire United States. People argued for and against her message, but her message of love got out, as did many other things. SEE THIS MOVIE.
• Quick review of Barbara's Bouncy Balloons: normally I enjoy any movie with semi-naked women sitting on huge balloons, bouncing, but this one just didn't... finish. The balloons were all wrong, and Barbara had the rhythm of a child with cerebral palsy and the verbal output of someone with Tourette's Syndrome. Avoid.
• Very few movies take women into mind, but here's one: A Hard Man (Is Good to Find). The men were all over 10" and the women vacillated between frightened and wide-eyed with naked lust. Ok, it lacked plot. Ok, it might have been unrealistic in spots. But foreplay went on for 43 minutes per scene. A must-see for women. Men should consider it a training film.

Our good friends over at DHS want facial recognition scans used on Americans, in addition to existing scans on everyone else.  Who could have seen that coming?



Remember?

• computer shows?
• on the steering column gearshifts?
• bright light switch on the floor, under the emergency brake?
• touch tone phones with no # or * key?

"This Entire Century Has Been An Unmitigated March In The Direction Of Stupidity"   @zerohedge

• 5 ways to protect your privacy on Chrome
• Like it or not (I don't), it's the most popular browser, whether by itself or built upon.

Just in case you need surgery, you should know that docs are now consulting YouTube for direction(s).  This means that if you're good at printing fake diplomas, you can be a surgeon too!

• I'm over the moon delighted that this blog has gotten past its 2-6 hits per day, so if I need to feel disappointed, I just check ThermionicMalware, which has 15 hits over its lifetime (ok 2 weeks, but still.....)

Hey, how about that opioid crisis?
Related article: Suicides associated with forced tapering of opiate pain treatments.

• Wife's new acquaintance called six times and texted four times last night.
• I have a strange feeling about this one... some sixth sense tells me it may not work out well.

How to keep a cat off a Christmas tree
Long time readers may remember Ren, our exceedingly intelligent FDU (Feline Destruction Unit). We got him when he was a few weeks old and he was a precocious little bugger. We only had one cat before (Fred) and he was pretty well-behaved, but died early. Ren grew up and grew and grew, to where he was almost as large and 10 pounds shy of Marshall, the wonder-cocker. Ren would torture Marshall, whose main wish was to be an only child. Ren would also hang from under Marshall, yet they'd sometimes nap together. For some reason, Ren was highly antagonized by the xmas tree. We had one that went up in stages.. maybe he wanted a real one, but he would get into it, push off some very expensive baubles, rewire the lights a bit, and eventually disembowel the tree. It became too much of a problem so I decided to meet him halfway: I took just the 12" top section of the tree and hung it from the ceiling, so he couldn't get it. He tried leaping but failed. We won!!!  Well, not really. By later that day, he figured out how to get it off of the ceiling. We lost. No more trees til he left us. Marshall left the trees alone, unless there was food under them.

• Best book title this week: Ask Me About My Uterus
• Best audio title: Bonny Tyler - the RCA Years    Huh? Was there more than one year?
• Best job title: Ethical Hacker.  Ethical?

Dammit, I hate to be serious, but here goes.

You sure picked a bad time to be Catholic.
If I were Catholic, I'd be out for blood (sorry). There's nothing wrong with the religion - it's the Upper Corporate Administration. Never mind all the secrecy, the trillions in goodies in vaults, and the politics.. they allow and turn a blind eye to pedophilia. This is not acceptable (notice my gentle phrasing, which you don't see often here). This 'secret' has been out in the open for God knows how many years, yet nothing is done.

Pope Francis has accepted the resignation of Buffalo bishop Richard Malone following reports that he kept a secret binder full of the names of accused priests in a closet in his office.

It's so far out in the open, it might as well be featured on a Kardashians show. This is enough proof for anyone, yet nothing will be done.
I'd like to suggest that Catholics, who are innocent of this, jettison the corporate structure. Find different places of worship. Let the collection plate go empty. Most importantly, call for a legal investigation into these evil practices. One child abused is one too many.

Isn't it time?



The good news: NASA satellite found India's Moon lander
The bad news: AAA does not send tow trucks to the Moon.




Heroes of the Stupid

L.A.'s Head of Homelessness resigned after a 33% increase in people sleeping on the streets.  They expected him to hit at least 50%.

Kamala Harris is out of the democratic race for president. If she continued, she'd have to spend her own money. I'm serious.



SJWery

One huge drawback of nuclear power is that it doesn't dismantle systems of oppression - it only produces clean energy.   Next up: how air is racist


I left Greta Thunberg alone. The situation needed to simmer a bit. And sure enough, it germinated and grew an SJW:

After all, the climate crisis is not just about the environment. It is a crisis of human rights, of justice, and of political will. Colonial, racist, and patriarchal systems of oppression have created and fueled it. We need to dismantle them all.


San Diego State University launched an online portal for reporting incidents that include "messages of bias."  They also launched a "free speech" website, where students can learn about their First Amendment rights.  Strangely, there are some clashes between the two.

Three Left Hands and Two Left Feet

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be bizarrely crazy (or crazily bizarre) on command? I don't plan this stuff.. I sit down and type. The sarcasm comes naturally, but the topics.... I think I channel them. Like from some long-dead comic wannabe who is so incompetent in death, that he can only reach one person among the living. Unfortunately that person is me. Whether or not I'm living is another question entirely.

Nah, I'm just kidding. I steal all this stuff from some other unsuccessful blog.

• Greetings to my visitors from Ukraine. We go way back.. I knew you when you used to be The Ukraine.

I have already warned against the Ring video doorbells.
In my previous rant, they were given to police to shill in their neighborhoods, allowing 'video sharing.' Video sharing means warrantless surveillance. The icing on the cake comes with facial recognition plans, via a neighborhood watch app. Amazon itself has stated this is on its way.

The people shocked by 1984 agree that we're already in 1987.

You're already at risk with the Ring: anything that connects to the net should be bulletproof. Wanna make a bet the Ring is? Who has access to this data besides you?  Are you sharing data with the neighborhood, the police, and Amazon? If not (yeah, right), what is the legal process for the police to obtain the video? Sure, you could turn it over voluntarily, but what if you don't want to? With facial recognition, everybody's going in the database. Nothing good will come from any of this.  How do I know? The same way you do: look at our history... if something can be used, it will. No exceptions. This is another step in Surveillance Society. Like England, we'll not be able to go anywhere without being on camera - including our own front porch.  Combine this with our Alexas, and Amazon has our entire lives, with the police being one click away.

Before you say, "Let them watch - I have nothing to hide," understand that you are guaranteed freedom from illegal search and seizure via the Fourth Amendment (in the US, in theory). This also applies to phone/email/net spying, but that ship has sailed.




Dear lefty

• Why do they call it global warming when it's so cold outside?
• Because you touched yourself too much when you were little.

YouTube has a closed captioning option. I had no idea.
How did I find this out?
The dog.
She thinks she's the only thing allowed on my lap, which is unfortunate when I'm using my laptop. I removed her paws from the keyboard and discovered that she somehow managed to scroll to the bottom of the page and turn on CC. At least one of us has some brains.




In these days of Commercial Excess<tm>, Black Friday seems to be creeping up on us. Not because it's close, but because it keeps getting earlier. Bloody xmas decorations are up in stores, weeks before T-Day. Then the pre-Black Friday sales. Now the Black Friday sales the week BEFORE Black Friday. I got notice of these recently, days before the week before Black Friday.

Fair warning: next year, Black Friday will be on Valentine's Day, and you had better have the lights and tree up before the end of February or the Commercial Police will throw you in Retail Jail.

Last year we finally managed to get a tree up. And when I say finally managed, I mean we definitely stated we were going to have one up. Then it was definitely going up by xmas eve. Then xmas day, but screw it. This year we have agreed early that we're going to have a tree this year, so we'll have even more time not to put it up!  There was a lot to be said for those very silly artificial jobbies, that came right out of the box, complete with lights and ornaments already installed. All you had to do was locate it first (it had been in the way the entire year, so now you can't find it) and put on the single personal ornament you bought a few years ago, but haven't had a tree since, so it's new! You will also discover that you have two trees. You have no idea where the second one came from.

The sales flyers (all in email now) are coming fast and furious. One guitar company has been doing 50% off days. An amplifier website has 15% off everything. They're giving away pedals that aren't 35% off. I tell Mrs lefty about all the money I'm saving her with these sales, but she reacts the same was I do when she tells me how much she saved ME by buying 5 pairs of shoes instead of one.  Look at the advantages... you don't have to shop or wonder what I want, or stand in lines and fight the rest of humanity, many of whom have been up for 3 days on meth and think it's Easter. Simply click the online form, insert payment information, and they'll friggin deliver it, regardless of how much it weighs. If we feel nostalgic for in-person shopping, for a small fee they'll give the delivery driver some meth.



Speaking of saving money, I managed to find the same deal as last year, at Southpaw Guitars (THE lefty guitar store). By selecting a used guitar, I saved my wife $1,000! The $4,000 Custom Shop Fender 1956 Stratocaster reproduction is only $3,000 used, thus saving $1,000. I am willing to make the sacrifice for my wife.  It's at least what we spend on shoes....

Also speaking of which, Peets Coffee has a subscription plan, where you pick your favorite coffee and they'll send as many as you want at whatever interval you like. If you're serious about your coffee, their French Roast is the only thing I drink - highly recommended. If you aren't a dark roast person, they have light and medium, in all sorts of varieties, from countries you didn't know existed, plus teas. No, I don't get anything for mentioning them (the bastards).

• Black Friday deal from a local venue: Air Supply, Dancing with the Stars Live, and Teresa Caputo (aka Hair Helmet).
• No thanks, I'm having elective dental surgery those days.

According to a study, cows might produce better milk when fitted with VR headsets. The study failed when the cows were found tuning into humanality porn.

• Here's a mind-bender. George Harrison watching the Beatles performing 'This Boy'.

President Trump is designating Mexican drug cartels terrorists.
Oh great - War on Mexico. What could possibly go wrong?

• I just saw a listing of audiobooks. Among them was Playboy.
• How does that work?
• Well, you're not getting any, so look at pictures.
• You could listen to the audiobook, because you don't deserve to look at the pictures. You know it's over when......

Speaking of books, I found a few others....

Abnormal Psychology: I don't need a book. All I have to do is look around.
You Are Worth It: No, I'm not.
Why We're Wrong About Nearly Everything: ah, finally a present for your spouse
Facing Codependency: not without you I'm not...
Handbook of Forensic Psychology: learn how the dead think and feel

• Emoji are a vital part of online communication
• How long til they discover memes? Good God.....

Today I identify as bits of string



The FDA has granted permission for a studies of psilocybin for treatment of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).  In other words, if you're seriously depressed, ask your doc for shrooms, man. The FDA's carefully considered medical decision is brought to you by the MMB (Mushroom Marketing Board).

While we're on the subject, another study found that a dose of ketamine may cut down on problematic drinking.  By making the person so stoned, they can't pick up a glass.


India's prime minister has said defecating in the open has ended in rural India.
He is competing for the $150 million contract for California.

• Very large water main break in San Francisco: governor passes law against water main breaks because it might clean the shit off sidewalks, which is racist.

Heroes of the Stupid

An Australian firefighter has been accused of arson.
Firefighting attracts arsonists like priesting attracts...well, you get the idea.


Amazon pulls Aushwitz-themed Christmas Ornaments (?)




SJW Stunts

• To fight stigma, New Zealand is opening an HIV-positive sperm bank.
• New Zealand tax dollars also used to open the first Ebola-positive pancreas bank.

Elizabeth Warren introduced a bill that would revoke Medals of Honor from US soldiers involved in the Wounded Knee Massacre on 1890. This is the kind of prompt action you can expect if you vote for her, the 1/6400th Indian African American candidate.