Yes, That's a Vacuum, and Yes, it's Stuck

 

Your love is like  a soap sandwich

Chess robot breaks seven-year-old boy's finger during Moscow Open

Perhaps it knew the child was cheating.... They've become sentient.

 Today I identify as  Margaret Thatcher

South Carolina lawmakers want to banish abortion talk from the Internet

They've gone completely nuts, you know. This is a clear violation of the First Amendment, says your blogger/amateur lawyer. Even if it were to pass, this is state legislation and cannot be allowed to affect any other state. That should be an interesting technical solution. Brought to you by the Bible Belt.

Japan's police to take measures after wild monkey rampages

Hey, we just replaced the police tranquilizer darts with bullets. Let's see if they notice the difference.

Monkey soup, monkey fry, monkey ice cream.... target practice for the police (citizens aren't allowed arms, yet somebody just shot the ex-leader).

 

Lawmakers tell Facebook to stop deleting abortion posts for no reason

but... that would go against the narrative!

 Roe v Wade: Abortion pills a new front in culture wars

"We want to see the states across America move to make abortion unavailable and unthinkable," she said.

I want the states across America to make your group's dribble unthinkable

I support you if you like your beer - so many seem to. I don't. I can't even drink half a bottle. My high school friends loved beer and told me 'you learn to like it.' If you have to put in that kind of work, perhaps it's best I stuck with YooHoo. Many years later, I have still failed to like beer. I tried all sorts of varieties, even chocolate peanut butter, and I don't like any of them.  I might have liked plain chocolate, but couldn't find any. It's better this way; I save a lot of money not buying any.

Next up, wine. It may come as a shock that I don't like wine either. Ok, there's chocolate wine, but that's it. Red, white, green, I'm not fond of it. This saves me even more money than beer. I like the sweet sparkling ones, like Asti Spumanti. People seem to have this innate knowledge of which wind goes with what. Ok, I'll play along - which wine goes with sitting on the couch for a couple hours? Which one for web surfing? Tuning up your car? Plumbing? Bowel surgery?  Most of my family loves wine, naturally, except me. I'm the fuchsia sheep of the family. After asking them for tips, I'm even more lost. I toured wine country, frustrating winery employees across the area. One day we went to the Jelly Belly factory. It's like I was finally home. I didn't have to learn to like them. They were sweet. They cost even more than wine ($12lb?). I developed a bit of a problem with their hot cinnamon variety, but after a short stay at Betty Ford, I'm ok. Slightly ok. 

It should come as no surprise that I like sweet alcohol. I drink like a girl. My current favorite is a frozen strawberry margarita (sugar around the rim). Or anything with Godiva chocolate liquor (I honestly try not to drink it from the bottle). When it comes down to it, I'm not a huge alcohol fan. Mrs lefty is in agreement. She says why does she need alcohol or drugs when she is already out of her mind.

Warning:

• people with bipolar disorder should not take SSRI antidepressants. It could cause rapid-cycling
• women taking birth control pills and antibiotics need to use condoms. Antibiotics cut the efficacy of the pill
• grapefruit has weird effects with a lot of stuff
• sex cures most ills (except inability to have sex)

Few know this, but Albert Einstein was a little dyslexic.

What he meant to write was E=MC3. His estate is sorry for the error.

Cats Are An Alien Invasive Species, Poland Declares

Only Poland? What about the internet?

 Our friends at Google have done it again. Rather, they have not done anything. Ten million apps have been found to contain malware. I believe Google is large enough to have a serious lab to test the apps, yet they only respond when a security company discovers the issue. I'm an android-head but I don't use Play for my apps. There are a number of others, including aptoide.com and apkmirror.com. Clean apps, no Google spying.

Best thing overheard:

She had sex with a man, decapitated him, and left his head in a bucket in his mom's basement.

FDA’s top tobacco scientist takes job at Marlboro-maker Philip Morris

jeez - didn't see that one coming...

 President Biden has tested negative for the Flying AIDS and will leave isolation. When asked for comment, Biden said, "But I liked all that plastic around me, and quite frankly, I'm terrified of Jill. What was the question?"

spend, tax, spend, tax, Joe Manchin stuns Washington by announcing support for a measure to raise taxes and fight climate change. spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax 

Hey Joe: How about that debt?

Meh- I'll be dead long before anybody notices it.

Florida Man Arrested Trying to Warn Space Force Base of Alien-Dragon War

He heard the voice of the president in his head, telling him to do it.

The guy must be really stupid. If I heard the president in my head, and he made sense, I'd know it was fake.

The president also told him to steal a truck.

We know this couldn't be true because the president would only tell him to steal an electric vehicle, because climate change.

California, The Silliest State, Can Now Auto-Detect Racist Language in Housing Deeds, HOA Rules and Have It Removed

• Yeah, they're serious about going after the Big Stuff. Yeah, there's pollution and Pelosi, but they're after something bigger.

This Town Closed Its Only Library After Residents Chased Out LGBTQ+ Workers

I think it's fake news. These people can't read - what would they be doing at a library?

Wait til they find out that some of the contestants on The Masked Furry are gay.... and some people who work at Budweiser.

I met a guy who did Civil War reenactment. This was fascinating to me, for a number of reasons.

Me: I mean no disrespect but I'm curious as to why you do Civil War reenactment.

Him: Among other things, it was a simpler time. I'm fond of it.

Me: That's really interesting.  [are you fscking nuts?] 

Him: The slower pace, more social interaction, and more.

Me: [I was right. You're fscking nuts] Dude, we have lots of social interaction. Aren't you on Faceyspaces and Twatter? When we have slower days, we start sniping at each other, bored and frustrated, and we wind up arguing.

Him: You can look people in the eye.

Me: [AAAAAAAAAH - PEOPLE!]  I see, pardon the pun.

Him: It was a slower time.

Me: Like when the mall's closed?

Him: There were no malls.

Me: How did they buy stuff? No food court? Amazon?

Him: They traded or sold. The closest we had to a food court was someone else's house.

Me: Again, no offense, but why reenact the Civil War? You could reenact life at the time, jobs at the time, politics, or something less serious, like slavery.

Him: Like everybody else, we like shooting stuff. Even with black powder.

Me: You could always go to the 50s and reenact malt shops. Then shoot real rifles. They had non-wool clothes, so you didn't itch like you had a sexually transmitted disease.

Him: It was a simpler time.

Me: It sure as hell was. The dog and I sleep well with air conditioning on my sleep number bed. I get up when my phone's alarm tells me, and drive where I need to go. For lunch I can go to any of 28 local restaurants. While working, the phone plays my favorite music. At home, I can microwave meals or heat them on the stove. Amplifiers make my guitar heard and can make it so loud, people in the next county call the police. I can have sex whenever I want, well, whenever she lets me, and she doesn't get pregnant because of an implant.  I don't have to walk to a mailbox because it comes to me electronically. And I can spend all my free time surfing pr0n. Tell me again about the benefits of a simpler time....

[Although I would like a cannon on the front lawn.]

Remember: if your neighbors aren't frightened and intimidated, you aren't doing your job.

I've been following the government and chipmakers' folly over $52 billion subsidy. That's fifty two BILLION tax dollars to subsidize chipmakers. Why again do we need to subsidize businesses? Yes, there are chip shortages, but why are we required to assist? If you want to give your money to the poor chipmakers, please, go ahead - I'd never dream of stopping you. We're already paying via higher chip prices; wanna pay more?  Watch the series of articles about getting the bill passed. Notice the naked influence of lobbying. Think of how much money changed hands.  Nobody even asked you for permission. You voted for him. If you didn't, you're stuck with him. #ImpeachBiden

Intel, other chipmakers boost lobbying spend to get CHIPS Act passed

Why $52b chip subsidies are being held up – and what the White House is doing about it

Congress continues playing hot potato with $52b CHIPS Act subsidies

Congress finally passes $52b subsidies for chip fabs on US soil

 

Anorexic Sumo Wrestling

 

Your love is like  Brillo sandwiches

Best Headline

I Got a Vasectomy and It’s Shockingly Easy and Pain Free

Second Best Headline

Is CERN Causing Collective Mass Delusion by Creating Portals to Alternate Dimensions?

Today I identify as  the aftermath of seven cups of coffee

Biden has the Flying AIDS

He is experiencing mild symptoms, like age-related dementia, hair loss, and wanting to be president after Obama's gone.

The Secret Service carries around a six foot Plexiglas shield, so the president can socially distance.

ThermionicEmissions wishes him a speedy recovery. 

I can't begin to explain how, but there was sumo wrestling on the tv the other night. Perhaps Wife wants to dump me for some wide, diapered meat.  The best part was that it was narrated by an Australian, for that authentic world feel.

I had never seen sumo wrestling for more than a single picture and was not allowed to change the channel or turn off the tv. Two freight trains charged at each other and one tried to floor the other. At some point, a ring referee, who wore an entire Asian clothing shop, ripped a tassel (or skirt) from a wrestler. No one knows why... might be some sort of mating ritual.

The sport lacked the spectacle (and VOLUME) of American wrestling. No belts or ring girls, or gold either. Not even a single script. As for a rating, I give both zero guitar strings.

Be Prepared - the Boy Scout motto

I think my new neighbor was a boy scout. While they are not visibly altering the outside or yard, they are back there, making sure their tools are prepared, by making them go BANG BANG BANG an awful lot, while I'm trying to work. 

While I appreciate the initiative.... 

I was a Cub Scout. If you drank enough of the kool aid, you went on to Boy Scouts.

Near me, in a wooded area, was an incredible mess of 3 tons of beer cans and other detritus, some drug-related. It's where all 'the kids' went to drink and smoke. The Scouts took a Saturday and went to clean it up. They knew to start early so the kids wouldn't show up and beat them up. Again.

This was my introduction to altruism. I didn't like it at all. In fact, I got up early that Saturday, sorry for being up early, then spontaneously called the leader and quit. The woods would take another few months to reach its current state, and I was damned if I was going to clean it (this time or again). It seemed stupid and misguided. Ironically, when I worked at the Twilight Zone<tm> they went to clean up a crack park. While I did not phone in my resignation, I reasoned that we clean the park, the addicts mess it up, then we clean it the next year. And we were proud of our service. I couldn't take the insanity and stayed home, sharpening the nails on our front steps.

As we know, I don't ask for much. All I wanted was some Coke or Dr. Pepper from the supermarket. Coke, if there is any, is over twice the price it was. You can have any of 8 flavors of Dr. Pepper, provided you don't want the original flavor. Last time there was a stack of my grapefruit soda taller than me. Not anymore.

So the problem is, as I see it, that we have no soda.

My foray into lemon water was to help cut down on soda. Since we can't buy soda, we've now gone Cold Turkey. I'm starting to shake all over. Pretty soon I'll have to go to the hospital, where they'll throw me in with the junkies. We'll walk around all day, asking for Coke. It's not going to be pretty.

Be thankful I'm not posting empty soda cans on Faceyspaces or Instagram. 

Second self-driving car accident happens in San Francisco WEEKS from last crash

Somebody from the actual company complained that they're not ready yet. Just like I said - not ready for prime time.

Interestingly, it crashed into a car that was doing 40 in a 25 zone. 

Mexican woman who had reported threats dies after being set on fire

Police report that the 2 events were not related

• We never bought Greenland, did we?

Spanish bull run: Three dead in 24 hours in Valencia hospitals

WHO would be so stupid as to think letting bulls loose and running from them  would result in human casualties? Stay tuned for Lion Poking, Rhinoceros Threatening, and telling bad jokes to kangaroos.

There is no end to human stupidity.

 

Read NASA’s Internal Discussions of UFOs in Newly Released Documents

C'mon. The documents read like the phenomenon just started. We know for a fact that the first Moon shots had 'observers,' as well as many on the Space Station.  More UAP Theater.

 

The Pentagon Is Opening an 'Anomaly Resolution' Department to Study UFOs

but only the ones that come from the ocean.... if you think the Pentagon hasn't been worried about UFOs..... But this is also the group that didn't want to study them because they were satanic. We're paying for this group, you know.

DIY Collective Embeds Abortion Pill Onto Business Cards, Distributes Them At Hacker Conference

--> information wants to be free - there will always be a hack

Hacker selling Twitter account data of 5.4 million users for $30k

IF you have to sign up for something, don't give any details, or just make them up. Pay cash wherever possible. It's your information, guard it wisely.

2022 Summer Philly Guitar Show - the lefty Report

 

We took our twice-yearly religious pilgrimage to the guitar show. It's always best to go an hour or two after they open, at very least, because the line is beyond belief, and slow. As I pay, it flips me out that the blonde lady taking my money used to be a little squirt of a child, running around behind the table. Yeah, I've been going to guitar shows for quite a while. This one is run by Bee-3 Guitars.

It was a bit smaller than normal and the hall was changed. Whoever put up the signs has a drinking problem, so it took us a while to find the right hall. It was fun, as these things are supposed to be. There was something for everyone, from beginner Hello Kitty guitars to $45,000 vintage Stratocasters. Lots of new and old amps, from the latest Line 6 digital to the oldest Fender tweed Champs. Pedals, pickups, straps, screws, pickguards, and soda. There were even women. The history of women and guitar shows is long and storied. It was only really fun when booths hired hotties to walk about with guitars, but it went downhill from there. Sometimes you can spend hours looking at guitars without seen a single woman. Sometimes there are many. I was shocked talking to a female vendor, MUCH younger than me, about one of my guitars. The girl knew her stuff. It was nice to see someone who knew her stuff and was a female. It's only recently that this has started happening and I say go for it, provided you know your stuff. I'm speaking strictly professionally. As more people go to the shows, they bring their wives.

I was laughing with a vendor about a really expensive Komet head he had, and he suggested I throw 'the girl' in. The girl was Mrs. lefty, who thought it was hilarious. Other women might not. That's one of the reasons I married her. Mrs. lefty was very popular at the show. I stood back and watched people looking at her; it was kind of funny. I knew if I wanted something, all I had to do was send her to get it. I may get ignored, but she doesn't.

There was a huge used pedal dealer. I spent some time looking over his inventory and asked his opinion on how a certain artist got a certain tone - was it an envelope follower? He said yeah, that guy uses all sorts of distortions and filters. Ok then, I guess you don't have anything to sell me. He sure had a lot of pedals.

As far as lefties go, this was considerably better than the last show, where there was approximately one. While I didn't fall madly in love with any of them, there were two I liked, a Taylor acoustic and a Fender AVRI Strat with a killer soft-V neck. After discussions on this neck and a 58 Strat neck, I'm told I want a softer V neck - not regular V. My only choice in Fender is to go through Custom Shop (or find an affordable lefty 58 Strat - yeah, right).

Here's what I saw...

SG and Les Paul

a pair of Univibes with cases - pure unobtainium

Fender Masterbuilt SRV Lenny - $12k

you don't see a lot of lefty Bigsbys

lower line Martin

Tele, AVRI I liked, Player Strats

Taylor 214 CE xx12Uwhatever - great guitar, great neck

older lefty P-Bass

60th Anniversary Strat

how many lefty Gibson ES335s do you see?

used Martin DT1216GT(?)

Orville Les Paul

J-Bass

tiny Marshall

breathtaking inlay on Gibson J200

Ricks, Strats

John Lennon Epi

check out the color on this newer Tele

If you haven't been to a guitar show, you need to attend. If you have, you need to attend again. 

Guitar Show Calendar

BEE-3 Vintage guitar shows

Butt Pains in the Afterlife

 

Your love is like  chewing lemons for lunch

FedEx Support Employee on Twitter: Sorry We Lost Your Dead Body

I hate when that happens. They're so small they tend to get lost. 

P.S. The body escaped three years ago.

Today I identify as  some good looking person, like Brad Pitt.

But It's for the Children

DHS bought “shocking amount” of warrantless phone-tracking data, ACLU says

Once again.... you don't believe me? If they CAN, they WILL. It is not safe to give them an inch. Now let's see what the NSA collects [hint: everything, warrantless].

The Fourth Amendment guarantees the right to be free from unreasonable search and seizure. 

• It took a while to get my work iDevice to ring. Eventually it turned out to be the ringer switch, which I didn't turn off. I continue not to turn it off and it continues to be off. I think we've reached equilibrium: I don't like the phone and it doesn't like me.
• It's getting pretty long in the tooth, meaning there's a replacement on my horizon. I fear no matter how much pleading, begging, doctor's notes, and antibiotics I offer, it's still going to be an iDevice.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar were among those detained near the Supreme Court during an abortion protest.

Not that it's a bad idea for the three to be put away somewhere... but they were blocking a street, and that's not free expression. And I support their cause.

Ode to a Dead Fly in my Lemon Water

Oh fly, why did you drop by 

Out of the sky, when night was nigh

I cut a lemon for my drink

I did not think

You'd be by

I drank

I spat

I ruminated

This is why I drink soda

I think I need a sippy cup.

The astronauts don't have to worry about a fly in their water; why should I?

Of course the astronauts drink and eat through straws and wear adult diapers. There is always the question of whether or not two (or more) of them have had boom boom in space. If you think about the mechanics, it seems really difficult... one thrust and you both go plunging off in opposite directions. If you were trying to get pregnant, this would not be worth the effort. If you could both get in your NASA-approved sleeping bags, it would be much easier to mattress-dance.

You'd have to wear a condom, because, face it, you wouldn't want to be an astronaut, floating along, minding your own business, when you ran smack into Floating Sperm<tm>. That would be pretty gross, unless you're into that sort of thing. And let's face it, you couldn't do this at home. Anal would be VERBOTEN. Imagine mixing up your KY and your mashed peas containers. No straws, please.

Oral would be much easier. In fact, there is a kill switch on the video feed to NASA, in case oral breaks out. So if you're watching the Space Shuttle feed and there's a 30 second break, one of the guys is getting his candle waxed. NASA calls this Interruption Due To Oro-Genital Interface. You can be sure this happened when the video starts back up and at least one astronaut has a faraway look in his or her eyes and is trying to hide a big smile.

UPDATE: 

The following evening's lemon water was free of flies. Unfortunately I can't be 100% sure because I made it in a black cup and couldn't really see inside it. Sometimes I seriously outsmart myself.

I was too happy yesterday, so I watched some of the trial in the Parkland shooting. I saw testimony from two of the victims. One thing that occurred to me, aside from the sheer terror of being in a classroom when this happened, is that the school system has to try harder: their grammar was atrocious. "I done this", "I left out", all sentences start with "So", the word "essentially" repeated in the same sentence. It was not a strong endorsement for public education. At least the kids weren't in their English class when the shooting started.

Maybe the shooter was from a more militant wing of the Grammar Police.

Unwanted Lifeforms, Spock  

As I've written, the neighborhood is alive with things we'd rather not have in our houses. When they hit, the ants are horrible and multitudinous. There were the mice, but that's not common. Now it's the flies. These fsckers are huge... they must be genetic defects, let out of the farm, probably in China. They frighten the dog, even though they're only half her size. Using Science, we set off to figure out how they were getting in. We checked windows, doors, amplifiers, and roofs; everything was sealed up tight. Perhaps, like aliens, they can walk (or fly) through walls. I'm going to go ahead and discount this theory, as good as it sounds. Maybe they have tiny bolt cutters and make tiny cuts in the window screens, then wave all their fly friends in (like illegal flying aliens). Perhaps they line up, in groups of 50, waiting for one of us to open a door, then CHARGE in. Someone got out the insect spray and let loose near a window. It was a complete massacre. Bodies all over the place. The 11:00 Fly News will report a shooting of immense proportions, and demand a ban on insecticide. 

Sometimes you can use substances to not kill them, but deter them. Mice don't like orange and a few other things. We're going to try lemons, Diet Pepsi, napalm, hot peppers, and M80s. We have to use these only at the front of the house, as Mrs. lefty smokes at the back of the house, and we feel the resultant BOOM would be inconvenient (unless the Jehovahs come by). 

I'm sitting there, in my favorite chair, minding my own business, with my favorite laptop, when the bombing starts. WHIZZZZZZZ BUZZZZZZ WHZZZZZZ It's the flies, Batman - get out the Bat-Swatter! My laptop and the lamp next to it are very bright, making us a prime flying spot. Since Wife massacred them, I will look forward to a quiet night tonight (unless the president lets the Mexican flies in).

We have a tennis racket, you know. It's an electric one. You push the button and swat at things that are flying around. If you get one, it goes BZZZZ also, but it's a more satisfying BZZZZ because you're killing the flying bastards. In effect it's a Racket Zapper, like your bug zapper from outside [think Prince's 'When Doves Cry' - This is what it sounds like... when bugs fry   BZZZZ  BZZZZ].

So while we're watching the Parkland shooting trial, no one's mourning the Great Fly Massacre of 2022. And we still don't know how they're getting in.

HOLD ON a minute.... a British company called Faradair is working on a 19 seat electric plane. I'm wondering to myself how are they going to get 19 people plus the batteries to fly the plane into the air?  They're not. There is a small gas turbine to provide the electricity. By that definition our cars are electric too.

"[insert name] would want you to go on and be happy. Find a new mate."

After you die, would you truly want your significant other to go on and find a new mate? People frequently assign wants to the dead. As I've never been dead (at least I think I've never been dead), I don't know if it matters. (No, I'd want you to be in mourning for the rest of your life)     How about you? 

And if you have been dead, let us know. Did you go to the light? See departed relatives? Jimi Hendrix? I'd like to see some departed, but am in no hurry to be dead. Wife may have other ideas...

Speaking of the dead..... 

For some reason I don't want to contemplate, sitting next to me is Death, complete with robe and all the trimmings. 

To what do we owe the pleasure?

I'm on the 2022 Reputation Tour

What do you hope to accomplish?

To get people to realize I'm not a bad... umm... person. 

What are some of the issues?

Well, people are terrified of me, mainly. They won't even shake my hand. Nobody will say as much as "Good morning" to me. No one is ever happy to see me, and I never get any chicks.

Oh, you're male?

Does my voice sound hormone-influenced?

Point taken. How did you get this gig?

God called a staff meeting and I overslept. Last one in gets the really horrible jobs.

But aren't you an angel?

That word doesn't mean what you think it means.

What sorts of things can you do?

Duh.

Oh. How does the process work?

A lot of people think I write their name in the Book of the No Longer Living. This is not accurate. They only get there after the fact, so I can keep track and my boss knows I haven't been slacking. Beware of the word 'metrics'. God discovered it and that's all I've heard for 10,003 years. He thinks He's a corporate genius.

Have there been any accurate descriptions of you?

Yeah, Family Guy. I'm not on anymore because Norm McDonald came to join me. His voice was pretty accurate. Anyway, I pretty much show up, the subject gets terrified, I touch them and tell them to come with me, and it's all over but the burying.

What if the subject doesn't follow you?

They all do. Eventually.

Grim.

You're telling me.

At the risk of sounding like a psychologist, how does it make you feel?

Horrible. It's unbelievably depressing. In 10,003 years, there have only been a few people happy to see me: the nutballs who castrated themselves and thought they were going to Haley's Comet. The goths. Hitler. And mostly the religious. They seem to think they're going to a greater reward. It's not pretty when they discover reality.

How do you keep yourself sane?

Who diagnosed me sane? I tried antidepressants but all they did was make my junk stop working, not that I get much chance to use it. Death Groupies are few and far between. And weird. I tried exercise, but found out that in the living, it causes cancer. It doesn't do anything for the dead except piss them off. Just like the living, I guess... heh heh. I get a real boost from snow; most heart attacks are caused by shoveling.

What about pets?

I used to have a dog, but he died.

I meant do you visit them in your official capacity?

No, that would be too sad, even for me.

Any hobbies? Recreation?

I play guitar. You think Keith Richards has all that death imagery for no reason? He's my special project - he's been dead for 35 years and doesn't know it. I like junk food, and always wash it down with Yoo Hoo. 

How about Ozzy?

Ozzy is a special case. He's halfway between the living and the dead, but he's so drug-addled, he has no concept of it. And no rhythm.

Death metal?

Contrary to popular belief, I have nothing at all to do with that genre. You may be shocked to find out they're mostly churchgoing guys, who don't drink or do drugs. They're really no fun, as a group.

Hollywood?

They're actually my best recruiting agents. After listening to them and seeing them, most people are inclined toward death.

Is there a retirement or way out in your future?

Well, I could get demoted to Congress, but nobody wants to go there. I have no retirement plan, but if God calls another meeting and I'm not last in, someone else might be called to take over for me. I hope it's one of those goody two shoes angels - they're pathetic with their sycophantic behavior. God sees right through them. 

Well, Death, you seem like a good dude; just misunderstood. You're welcome to stop by whenever you want... err.... unofficially.

Doing Laundry with Covid

 

Your love is like  battery acid that leaked all over your device

STOP THE PRESSES

New emoji for iOS and Android include a high five and shaking face

We are a nation of morons. Make that a world of morons.

There is a group that approves and releases these. If we hadn't already achieved world peace, I'd be upset.

Today I identify as  Hennifer Lopez

No, the Flying AIDS is not doing laundry, but a dear reader who has it is. The reader suggested the title. Other rejected titles include:

• Gazing longingly at covid
• Dancing with covid
• Going to a cheap motel with covid

Ford recalls more than 100,000 Mavericks, Escapes, and Corsairs over fire risk

Engine failure could cause an under-hood fire.

Tesla is jealous - none of its cars has exploded in months.

Ford says the problem can be mitigated by not starting the car. 

If we go by the ads, the only things for sale in America are iEarphones, bigass headphones, and video games. Once again I feel left out and across the street from the crowd. Maybe in the next county over from the crowd. I remember getting excited looking at sale ads. Guess I'll stick with LL Bean (a complete lie).

• Recently in London, a large group of people chased a car that was transporting Niki Manaj. When asked how long they had been fans, they said, "Fans? No, we were chasing her AWAY."

Nancy Pelosi’s Husband Buys Millions In Chip Stocks Right Before Vote On Massive Chip Subsidy

• What are the odds.....

At least 3 dead after shooting at Indianapolis-area mall
A lawfully armed "good Samaritan" shot and killed the suspect, the mayor said.

Gun control gun control gun control.... oops 

Biden begins fisticuffs with Saudi Arabian prince

For their part, the Saudis were glad Biden changed his alleged mind and visited them.  They said, "Yeah, we lopped off that journalist's head, but we're your friends."

You'll be SHOCKED, but the government's $3 billion fund to give out money to replace devices with Chinese parts has run out. Empty. No more. Now telephone companies will have to actually spend their own money to replace the devices. Bail out the businesses! It's only imaginary money! Never mind that debt. Hey, how about those new emojis?

Meta, formerly Faceyspaces, released an apology today

We are sorry for the following headline:

Meta asks line managers to identify poorly performing staff for firing

What we meant to say was:

Meta asks line managers to identify poorly performing staff for promotion

Lord Zuck went on to say, "With only 72,000 employees, we felt we weren't getting the incompetence needed to run this whorehouse. We have instituted self-improvement programs so our employees can live up to their fullest incompetence potential."

Hey, kids, it's time to PANIC!

No, it's not going to snow. There are no elections.

It's the Monkeypox! Yes there are 1,470 cases in the US, according to the CDC, and we're short on vaccines (buy Pharma stock NOW). According to the WHO, there are 14 cases and it's nothing to worry about. According to Lord Fauci, we need to start closing businesses that haven't gone out of business during the last closures. According to Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey, WHO is trademarked and they are going to sue, vowing not to be fooled again.

Why is there dirt under my fingernails?

I'd understand if I were tuning up the car, playing in the dirt, or doing self-exams, but I don't do anything. If I'm sitting in my office, I notice dirt under there. If I clean it, it comes back within hours. Does it pick up dirt from the atmosphere? Has my keyboard been soaked in silt? Is my emotional support elephant tracking mud into the office? If I had OCD, this would be a nightmare.

Maybe it's the aliens. They abduct me and I'm completely unaware of it. The only remainder is dirt under my fingernails (and a sore anus).

I've never really seen an alien, that I know of. If they shape-shift, it's all out the window. They say the Queen is a reptilian. It's not that she's old, but she might be the original snake. Bush too. Unfortunately he's the Special Snake. He has a lot of gold stars from when he went to school and did good. Kissinger and Cheney are komodo dragons - one bite has enough pathogens to wipe out a football team (or  a few towers). The gray aliens are reported between three and five feet tall, which makes it difficult to get uniforms. There are no basketball teams where the grays come from. 

When the grays abduct you, you are given a memory block, so you won't be traumatized. Unlike the men and women we send into combat. Many abductions are recalled under hypnosis, the most famous being Betty and Barney Hill. Barney worked for the Postal Service, before they started shooting each other. Betty worked on her very silly northeastern US accent. It wasn't quite Kennedy, but it was on its way. Way before Monica's dress, there was Betty's dress, with Eau d'Alien. Later on, some abductees were discovered to have things inside them. Some were removed and found to be not made like stuff on Earth. Others had entire tractors pulled from their ears. They were not discovered to be Space Tractors, but if you think about it, how would we know what Space Tractors would look like? Trump was silent when he was asked if Space Force used Space Tractors. Some implants moved when surgeons tried to remove them. It looked like a cartoon, with the good guys (doctors) chasing the bad guys (implants) through hallways with ten doors. They'd go into one door and come out another door that wasn't next to the first one. These implants were used as location trackers, just like cell phones. Unfortunately they didn't all work because Bob the Alien forgot to raise the antennas. The leading researcher died suddenly, of a 'heart attack.' Did they look for grays? No.

Another popular alien class is the Nordics. They're tall and blonde, as you'd expect. They're otherwise known as Models. Just when you thought the dumbest people on the planet modeled clothes, you find out they're aliens. Don't worry too hard - they're still vapid. No, the Kardashians are NOT Nordics (or models). They're simply vapid.

Sometimes, when Bob the alien did the memory block, memories start coming back to the person. It's like childhood trauma memories, but more fun. No matter how many alien missions there are, there's always a Bob. They have to take him along, under the Woke Alien Act. He's not sick, he's special. And we all celebrate the special. There are also blue aliens, that look just like the gray aliens. After 14537 years of war, the blues were officially declared equal to the grays. Now there must be more blue aliens on the ship than grays, because of Alien Diversity Officers. While some grays don't like blues, they must take special training so they don't offend the blues and feel appropriately guilty.

There are also what is described at Grasshopper aliens. These are essentially seven foot tall grasshoppers (or cockroaches, depending on the time of day). This is where Earth drew the line and said "Nuh-uh, no sir, we are NOT dealing with seven foot tall cockroaches, no thank you." Earth put in a complaint with the Alien Invasion Council and as a result, the grasshoppers are not allowed on the planet. And Earth had a point. It is only a matter of time until our own cockroaches reach seven feet.

You would be surprised at some earthlings found to be aliens

• Keith Richards - how else could you explain his extended life?
• Richard Nixon - you probably knew this
• JFK and RFK - that accent doesn't exist anywhere in MA
• Georgio Tsoukalos - alien hair
• Andy Dick - was there ever any doubt?

Which probably explains the dirt under my fingernails.

NOTICE: As of this day, we will not click on, view, walk by, or notice out of the corner of our eye, anything described as 'hawt'.  That is all.

A Russian tennis player just came out as gay.

In a vacuum, this sounds silly. She's the same as you or me, only she prefers the same sex. Why is this news? Ok there's the encouragement of closeted gays, but do we need to know what she does in her own bedroom? I don't. I wouldn't care if she was heterosexual either. We need to get over this.

I watched a little of the Parkland shooter's sentencing trial.

I used to be a proponent of the death penalty, then spent some time thinking about it. In the end, I prefer a life sentence because I don't think the State has a right to take a life. Plus a life sentence is hell... he will suffer til the end of his days. We're short of knowledge on what happens if he were to be put to death.

I also desperately want to know why. He doesn't look cuckoo, like the other famous shooters. There's no way to look at him and tell if he's programmed - only a good psychologist can tell (think Sirhan Sirhan). Is he so damaged that human life means nothing to him?

I got good at missin' her, I practice all the time

-ZZ Top  Pan Am Highway Blues

What's in Hot Dogs? Fish Pancreas

 

Your love is like  toe jam toast

The 2022 Philly Summer Guitar Show is this weekend at the Philly Expo Center. This is not summer and the Expo Center is not in Philly, so we're in for a hell of a show. ThermionicEmissions will be there, as we cannot be stopped. It's a religious pilgrimage. I'll have pics if I can find anything interesting (and hopefully left handed). 

Delta Dental Insurance Silent on ‘Bizarre’ Video of Man in Hot Pants With a Shotgun, Declaring Independence From Delta Dental

I don't know why Delta isn't talking; it seems pretty self-explanatory to me 

Today I identify as  erectile tissue

The Great Twist Top Caper 

Once again, Weird Stuff<tm> is happening at ThermionicManor. Twist top lids are going missing. I bought a gallon of milk yesterday. Today it has no top. Both Worcestershire and Bat Nasal Passage sauces have no lids. The only reason the ketchup has a lid is that it pours out of the bottom of the container.

It took me quite a while to make something up figure out what was going on here. It turns out the fridge has what scientists (and the odd blogger) refer to as Microgravity. This is like micro-aggression, but without the entitlement. Oddly, with the whining. In any case, the microgravity only affects twist-off caps and only when twisted off. The microgravity causes the immediate area around the cap to have considerably less gravity than the other parts of the planet, except California. Because of this, caps drop to the ground. This is compounded by back issues, which make it near impossible to retrieve the errant cap from the ground, followed by complete refusal to deal with it. This makes microgravity worse, to compensate, so there are almost no caps on anything in the fridge, yet the floor is littered with them.

This causes a secondary issue: milk that tastes like fish, butter that tastes like fish, and fish that tastes like almost nothing. Oddly, cauliflower still tastes like shit. It looks like mini brains. Broccoli looks like mini trees. And asparagus looks like something you definitely don't want installed rectally. Lastly, guacamole is frog in a blender.

Until a solution is found, keep your twist-caps close to your heart. Hold onto them like the Great Unwashed holds onto The Masked Furry.

• I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled Downton Abbey is back. Now I can continue to miss it, plus I can miss new episodes.

Once again, a train has plowed into a truck. I've been unofficially keeping track of this because it fascinates me. It's almost a journal of stupidity; Darwin at his best. An Amtrak train, going 87mph, left little of a truck.  Normally I advise not parking or stopping on tracks, but there's somewhat of an exception here. The citizens of that area have been petitioning Amtrak for greater safety. For its part, Amtrak is totally ignoring them. Because they got caught, Amtrak will spring into action and install blinky lights and a bar. Yes, the intersection had no warning a train was coming. What's the worst that could happen? Oops.

Amtrak has also removed the air horns from its trains, for safety reasons. Amtrak also discovered conductors were frequently at fault, so it had them all removed too.

Who says our government does nothing?

Senators Obsessed With Creating ‘Space National Guard’ for Some Reason 

Now we can build and overinflate the military in space! It was a joyous day at Northrop Grumman, Boeing, and the other visible arms of the military industrial complex.

P.S. Don't look at contributions to politicians. Nothing to see here. Go on home 

• RIP Ivanka Trump (73).
• The death appears to be from a fall down the steps
• Pelosi and Feinstein have a small bedroom at the top of the steps, mistakenly thinking that Donald sleeps there.

UK Cousins

The bill on further net censorship to 'protect' everybody has run out of time this session. For once, you can thank the Tories for getting caught fscking alpacas.

'Why I invented Non-binary Day'

The author mentions being the strongest in class and fixing things around the house as the reason she is considered non-binary.  It doesn't sound like this is non-binary, it sounds like society has a sexism problem. If I stood up and said a woman could not replace a faucet, I'd be tarred and feathered, as well as being accused of being the worst kind of sexist.

- Everybody has their 15 minutes. Then tries to milk it for more.

Being married for a long time, some things change....

My face doesn't always light up when she enters the room; sometimes I run the other way.

We're not always holding hands, unless she's shopping. It's harder to pick stuff up.

We always watch which direction the steak knife is pointing

Sex is... more of a one-person sport

Instead of hitting the town, we hit the freezer for a pizza 

Somebody took the trapeze out of the bedroom 

 

Biden's ratings are sagging so they sent him over to Saudi Arabia, to meet the prince. Fifteen minutes into the meeting, Biden slips away to a Secret Serviceman and says, "Has anybody noticed they're wearing towels all over their bodies? What is it - Halloween or something?"

KY man arrested after fleeing from police — on a tractor

When I think of Kentucky, I think of drunk guys racing tractors on the street. If you don't believe me, read the link. Stereotypes don't come from a vacuum.

You're probably as concerned as we are about the Amazon Ring doorbell cameras and the footage being sent to the police.  So far, Amazon has given the video to police eleven times. Without permission from the owners. Amazon claims the video was subpoenaed. Even if it was, why are people aiding the state like this? This is a perfect example of slippery slope.

Speaking of which.....

San Francisco cops want real-time access to private security cameras for surveillance.  You know, like doorbell cameras. George Orwell is spinning in his grave.

Judge rules Subway can be sued over claims that its tuna sandwiches contain other fish species or animal products

Claims like '100% tuna' are misleading, according to the suit.

An independent lab did some investigation and discovered the following:

• Tuna is a large category that includes haddock, scrod, splunge, and rubber boot
• Tomatoes are reddish-orange and are produced in digital hothouses, making them tasteless, with that familiar texture of rubber
• Subway claims the only non-tuna ingredient is mayonnaise, but tests discovered fish in it too
• If the lettuce tastes funny, it was grown in fishing nets and still has net attached to it, possibly with attached crabs
• The onions were found to include beef liver, making their taste last for hours

Subway says the presence of any other fish is caused by cross-contamination when making the sandwiches. So if you find swordfish in your tuna, it was from sitting next to the bologna.

The FBI Keeps Losing Desktop Computers

Do ya feel safer now? The Three Stooges are watching over us.

Scientists design contraceptives to limit grey squirrels

Scientists, however, are mum on who's going to put them on the squirrels

 

Eating Pizza with a Spoon

 

Your love is like  cyanide chocolate bars, also available in a child-friendly juice box

The recovery of thousands of heart attacks and various cardiac and nerve maladies has been greatly helped by the announcement that Elon Musk won't be buying Twitter. I'm kinda disappointed... not that I'd wish an exploded cranium on anybody, but it was kinda funny to watch. Twitter has announced that they will continue their mandate of only allowing the speech they deem correct.  I mentioned this was coming. The second funniest and first most hypocritical part is that Twitter is suing Musk for not buying it.

Today I identify as  an abortion pill

Werk has another interesting course: discrimination training.

I have never discriminated against anybody, and I'm not going to take training on it. Nor am I going to take sexual harassment training: I could teach the damn course. I am frequently reminded it is not a HOW-TO.

Quite frankly, this pisses me off. Quite frankly, it will have to stand at the end of the line of things that piss me off. It's a frightfully long line. I don't need these stupid courses, nor do my workmates. It's insulting. I have never worked at a more integrated company and have seen zero negative interactions over my years. People are actually capable of getting along. Save the classes for those who don't. Unless this is one of those ridiculous mandates or Wokeness. I freely admit I only discriminate against the Stupid, but thus far, there's no woke term like 'stupidist.'

Today is the 4th anniversary of Marshall's passing.

If it can be said that a dog is man's best friend, then Marshall was definitely mine. He wasn't so much a dog as a force of nature. He didn't do a lot of dog things, though. The vet referred to him as a little human in a dog suit. He had friends in other countries. He was a best friend and pet-by-proxy to our neighbor: she would garden and he would move around and lay near her. It wasn't even because she threw hot dogs over the fence. He could remove the top from a styrofoam Dunkin cup faster than you could look down from driving, and he'd be face-down in the cup, sucking up as much coffee as he could. If you put the lid back on, he'd just take it off again. He sent social media posts to Marshall amps and Sass Jordan, among others. He was a star at the vet's, where everybody would stop what they were doing to come say hi to him. He knew who the good people were and would jump in their lap (all 44lbs of him). He was our 3rd rescue cocker. You can read more about him via the Marshall button up top.

He succumbed to cancer, much later than the vet gave him. He was never in pain.  The vet made a donation to the UofP Vet Hospital in his name. One of the things he taught me was to consciously appreciate what you have. His remains sit up high on a shelf, so he can overlook things. I miss him all the time. 

I shoulda known.

I have this little usb dongle for my mouse. When the laptop is sitting on my (wait for it...) lap... the dongle irritates me. Now I simply take it out.  Unfortunately I don't remember to remove it when it's in the office - I remember it when it's in the living room. Sooooooo.... it winds up alone on the coffee table. This is the worst thing I can do, unless I have a gross of dongles somewhere. A gross of dongles... heh. Try saying that in polite conversation sometime. Try polite conversation sometime. 

The coffee table, like many places in the house, has extremely negative magical powers. It's like taking the dongle, wrapping it inside a disappearing sock, putting it in the car's gas tank, and giving it to a manic shopper. I thought simply unplugging it and putting it on the table, in a very wide, empty space, would ensure its safety. I am a hopeful idiot.

So here I am, on a delightful Monday morning (seriously?), back in the office. Naturally I don't remember I removed the dongle until I'm well into work. You know what comes next, right? I keep grabbing for the mouse, that doesn't work because there's no dongle plugged in. Then I remind myself I have to locate the dongle and grab for the mouse all over again. It's like a Disney movie, except funny. Venturing out to the coffee table, I look in all that uncluttered space (2") and of course, the dongle is not there.

This requires explanation of Coffee Table Dynamics. In theory, a coffee table should not be a territorial acquisition game, like football or divorce. In practice, it is, but there's no scoring and the NFL gets nothing from it. It's not done in graduations - it's all or nothing, and it's never nothing. Stuff expands to take all horizontal space. I have (attempted to) carve out a space the size of my laptop, so I can always put the laptop down if I'm temporarily done with it. Over the years I have asserted my right to a small, laptop-shaped space on the table. Unfortunately, one does not simply acquire space, one must also defend it. Just because the space is there, does not mean it shall remain, sacrosanct. The open space is simply too much of a magnet for Shit, which simply gravitates to it. This is my explanation for it: I'd rather not think that anyone else in the house piles Shit there when I'm not looking. It's frequently remotes, which is odd because someone's always asking 'where's the remote?'  In fact, sometimes I put the laptop on the table and find a remote on top of it. I'm thinking about a way to electrify the keyboard so anyone touching it gets a nice little ZAP. But it's pie in the sky thinking.... nothing will keep Shit from forming in empty space. Sometimes it's mugs or glasses, which presents a different problem: you cannot simply push a mug in this house. Physics dictates when you push the mug, it will move. Not in this house. The Scientific Method has proven that when you push any mug or glass, it immediately tips over, generously spreading the goodness of whatever was in it, all over the table and things it shouldn't be spreading into. In thinking about it, we should put a paper towel dispenser on or under the table, for our many accidents.

I guess we could discuss the issue, but first we must figure out who's at the heart of it. Penny can probably be ruled out; she's only interested in the table when there's food on it. She will stand on two legs and walk around til she finds it. I jealously guard my small laptop fortress, so I'm hoping it isn't me. That leaves one person - Wife. She would be a great person to speak to about this, but I must balance the need for empty space with the need to have my ass not chewed out. Besides, when I tell her I need the space, she agrees, then the remotes pile up there anyway and she doesn't remember the conversation. This is when dissociation comes in handy.

I finally got tired of grabbing a mouse that didn't work and got ready for an intensive search of the table. I got my miner's hat with the flashlight, a small LED flashlight that can show you what's going on on the moon, and a big old magnifying glass. After a few cups of coffee, I was more or less sort of awake and had my nose really close to the table. This was extremely brave of me, because one never knows what may jump up and bite. Thank God remotes don't bite. After a few hours I found it! The joy was palpable. It was two feet away from where I put it, which makes perfect sense. Perhaps it had migrated for the season, to a part of the table that has a nicer climate. It was more difficult to find because it was between two pens. Of course it was between pens... we seem to collect pens. We have 457 of them on the table, none of which work. This is where it gets weird(er).. in my office I have one pen. It works. I have a small box of new pens that I assume work. And that's all. They take up precious little room and do nothing to hide dongles. Let me brag by saying there is much (3") clear space in my office and when I remove a dongle (ouch), I find it immediately.

In a few hours, Wife will wake up and ask me what's happening. I dare not explain. It's nice outside and broken bones will not help me mow.  HEY... it sounds like a decent tradeoff....

It's worse than before. Because of the Flying AIDS, businesses have closed. The only relatively new ones are E-cigs and tattoo parlors. Why nothing else? And why is there no pasta in the supermarket? You couldn't buy any spaghetti for any amount of money the other day. They had everything else, at twice the price it used to be. It was sickening. $25 for dog food, and it wasn't the 40lb bag.

People of good conscience are asking themselves why the invasion of Ukraine is still going on. One company has taken the bull by the pancreas and done something: Lego pulled out of Russia. I think this is the turning point.

After its assault on the sovereignty of women's bodies, the Supreme Court is going after gay marriage. At this point, you start to see why the libertarian party is gaining members. You Own You is my contribution to this fracas. People are allowing a body of appointed people to infringe upon you owning your own body. Then they're going after the insane concept that people need the state to marry. I propose a registry where you can record your union, regardless of sex, because it's no one's business, especially the state's.

Why do you need to register your car? You're paying the government to use your own property. It's time we start to question the status quo.

• BMW has stripped a gear and is selling heated seat subscriptions for $18/month (South Korea only)
• odd.. my seat warmer requires that you push the seat warmer button
• BMW also started selling turn signal subscriptions but gave it up when nobody wanted them.

The president of Sri Lanka, Gotabay Rajapaksa, fled the country on a military jet. Asked for commend, Biden said, "Am I still getting my ice cream cone?"

The large amount of outside noise led me to believe it was the Street Refresh, wherein every year the city tears up our street and repaves, accomplishing nothing except work for the contractor. No, it is a junk hauler. They're removing stuff from the (ex) Crazy Lady's house. Putting aside the lack of love we had for each other, this is what her life amounted to.  I watched for a minute, as my 13th cup of coffee was being made, and realized I'm experiencing Existential Agita. Have you ever experienced it?

Diversity in Cybersecurity: Fostering Gender-Inclusive Teams That Perform Better

Stop it.

1. There are many (stock) problems for which diversity will not help
2. If you demand certificates, odds are there's less diversity there. Qualified candidates may not make it past HR
3. There is a terrible shortage of security people. Maybe you need to spend more time hiring than on diversity studies and quotas and Chief Diversity Officers
4. Once again: Hire the right person for the job, regardless of any other criteria

[This is is one of those videos you see after someone dies and everyone is gathered for the reading of the will]

If you're seeing this, I'm dead.

Hi, Mom, siblings, nephews and nieces. Wife too (unless she killed me).

The funny thing is that when I made this tape, I had no idea how my exit was going to occur. Would I be shot at age 92 by a jealous husband? Would my no smoking and no drinking lifestyle lead to cancer? Had I finally managed to hitch a ride on a nuclear device? Did I simply trip, causing my own downfall? Did my emotional support elephant, Iqbal, fall on me? My parents told me I was an accident. I wonder if my death was too.

The smart money should be on me saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. Live with no filters, die by no filters. Wife is also a good bet: with the amount of true crime books she's read and shows she's seen, the mafia comes to her for tips. So the answer depends on whether or not my body showed up. I'd prefer a closed-casket funeral anyway, as most who know me would. With my luck, I'd get wheeled around on the retarded casket wheels, just like the shopping carts I always got.  Screech, screech, bump bump, stop.

My wife specified cremation when she goes. She used to specify it a lot for me when I was alive. She made sure our ashes would be in different places, so she wouldn't have to put up with me for the rest of eternity. Cremation was only a warm up, pardon the pun, for where we were going anyway.

I lived a good life. No I didn't. I lived a tortured, depressed artist's life. The saddest part was that I never went anywhere with my (alleged) art. I didn't even cut off any of my body parts. I spent every day over 25 sick about my hair loss. They say it comes from the mother's side, but she had a full head of hair. Medical science could make penises useful for four hours, but not hair grow where it stopped growing.

I don't want to mislead you into thinking there was nothing good in my life. I had some damn fine pizza. Some guitars. And... uh.... you know....  other stuff. I was married once, but multiply. How do you phrase it when someone with multiple personalities has multiple orgasms?  (YAY?)

Is my hand attached to my junk for some reason?

Now, to what you greedy bastards are all here for:

I leave my collection of nose hair to the IRS, who never knew I had it. The joke's on them - it's not all my hair.

[laughing] You thought I had money? Here, have a hoagie and a soda.

It is truly sad I won't get to see everybody fighting over the guitars.

I leave my house to my nephews, with the proviso they let Wife live in it til she needs diapers. Wait til those little bastards find out how much it costs to run a house -even when it's free.

my Telecaster goes to Keith Richards. He's a lot older than me, but refuses to die. 

To my wife, I leave the greatest present of all; my death. 

Will someone please let the dog in? Thanks.