No Hops in Chocolate Milk

 Your love is like  slamming a random body part in the car door

Americans are now leaving the house more than before the Flying AIDS.

Not surprising, but how do we know this? Cell phone data. Haven't we had enough spying? 

Cesar Milan wants to help Biden's dogs feel at home in the White House.

Asked for comment, Biden said, "What dogs?"

Today I identify as  string

• Cruise lines have been bitten by the Flying AIDS.
• A navy sub has been bitten by bedbugs.
• it's been a problem since March 2020 because McDonnell Douglas doesn't offer bedbug services.

Former Senator Harry Reid, on the topic of UFOs, admits that not hundreds, but thousands of people have seen them.

• Denver could be headed for a record snow storm. Depending on who you assk, they'll get none, a dusting, a foot, two feet, and five feet.
• It will be called a Nor'wester

A Georgetown Law professor was fired for saying that black students are 'plain at the bottom of her class almost every semester'. Her colleague was disciplined for not correcting her.

In other news, two Georgetown Law professors were fired for saying tar is black and 45 more were fired for not correcting them. Two more professors were fired for saying it's black at night. Three for saying their car has black tires. Three professors were given assault charges for saying most laptops were black. Several teaching assistants were jailed for observing cell phones are black when you look at the face. Four were on administrative leave for saying Jimi Hendrix was black. Half of Georgetown Law is up for the death penalty after noting that Oprah is black and interviews people.

• In an attempt to recover from its last place in Best State to Live, Kentucky will be adding some class: The Running of the Pigs

***Attention Wayne Hills Residents***

PORTSMOUTH OHIO

Please stop throwing beer bottles at the drones. They are property of Portsmouth Police Department and they run surveillance on the property for your protection. We repeat, STOP KNOCKING DOWN OUR ANTI-DRUG ACTIVITY DRONES!

GHOST FLUSTERERS 

Welcome to our brilliant new ghostbuster show, just like all the old ghostbuster shows. We're throwing another show into the hat because there's not an original thought in Hollywood, so we're piling on. Since ghost shows are getting popular, every network will need at least three.

We're going about it a little differently. Our aim is to poke, trip, or annoy our spectral guests until they appear on camera and leave for good. Actually we don't care whether they leave (that's not good tv), just that they show up.

Team, what do we got?

Well, Bob, we have a letter from Mrs. BJ Toiletcleaner, whose house is conveniently located in the next town over, so we can load up the black rental trucks and head out in a real convoy. She said the effects run the gamut from pushing people down the steps, to throwing them from the attic, to embarrassing them on phone calls, to flaying their friends alive. They're very upset because they got a letter from their development that flaying people alive is against the Home Ownership Agreement, so they want this to stop before they get kicked out of their development.

Ok, we're there.

Jeff - you run wires all over the place. Make sure they're out where people can trip over them.

June - you set up the cameras. The night vision cameras go in rooms with good looking family members. 

John - when we're done, you'll do a video montage of the hottest family members getting undressed and doing stuff under the covers. This will be for group study only.

Joan - you walk around with your boobs hanging out of your shirt, calling out the ghosts. Make sure you're near a camera, in case we need to review this later.

Jim - walk around with some scientific-looking boxes, randomly pointing them at things, looking thoughtful and scientific-like.

Jane - you put the Bleep machine on a table. Don't forget the Bloop machine, and the one that makes all that noise like a radio that isn't tuned.

Joe - you work the box that sounds like Satanic reverse noises.

Bubba - you flex, act mean, and dare the ghosts to show up. Get some tattoos if you need to.

I'll call the more attractive members of the family over and explain what we're doing, how we're doing it, and anything else I can make up that sounds good. 

Everybody got their stupid hats on? Group fist bump.

Let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

• The number of twins has escalated to 1 in 42
• so stop having them, ok? 

The first thing I thought of when I heard about the 'stimulus package' was who's going to pay for it. The second things was what kind of pork was included. $7.7 million for people who can't afford broadband. We need to think about pork. We need to think about subsidizing broadband. Is this a good idea?

• Uber and Lyft are working together on a database of drivers who have physically and sexually assaulted riders
• if we need this database, there could possibly be larger problems, no? 
• Uber: Your destination and a bloody eye
• Lyft: We'll get you there and we'll get you raped!
• Lyft: We assault you better
• Uber: Sex, whether you want it or not

The Google Play Store suspended #open, a polyamory dating app.

Faceyspaces ad policies banned cartoon cleavage and naked backs.

this is getting ridiculous 

• This is the 2nd time in a week I've had something nice to say about Microsoft, so you better call an ambulance: the spellchecker in Office immediately changes 'teh' into 'the', without intervention. This is so small but so big...

ROME (AP) — The Vatican warned Friday that it has nearly 'depleted its financial reserves from past donations' to cover budget deficits over recent years, as it urged continued giving from the faithful to keep the Holy See afloat and Pope Francis’ ministry going.

We wouldn't want them to have to dip into their huge reserves. 

Still no word on child molestation.

New trend in home gardens: landscaping to calm anxiety.

Somebody suggested I do some gardening. I asked them what I did wrong to merit that suggestion. Getting my hands dirty is not among my favorite activities. It's not even among my less favorite activities. It's not even on my tolerated activities list. It is supposed to calm you down and is allegedly good for depression. I laugh.

Of course I'm the guy who watched a Tai Chi tape and started yelling at the tv.

HIM: Let me change your credit card info online for you

HER Great, thanks! 

HIM: Give me your credit card, please.

------------------- 15 minutes later --------------------

HIM: Ok, I'll get it. Where is it?

HER: In my pocketbook

------------------- goes to pocketbook, pulls out wallet

HIM: ummmm.... it's not in your wallet

HER: It's in my other wallet. On the outside pocket of the pocketbook

HIM: Ok, you have 2 wallets, with some stuff in one and some stuff in the other

HER: [annoyed - I should have known this] YES - it's around the other side, in the zipper pocket

HIM: I see.

I really don't see.

I'm a simple man. Some would say a stupid man.

I have a wallet with all my stuff in it.

She has a pocketbook with a wallet in it and another wallet in it.

I am not capable of understanding why there are 2 wallets, nor what is in each. Do the credit cards get divided up by the first number? Color? Expiration date? Special secret bank number? Does the license go with the bank card? Which one does the buy 1 get 1 free pizza card go in? Blockbuster Video card? Is this all women or just here?

I am reminded of that great saying, by that great person.. who said it:

He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.

In the beginning, there were the tests. The doctors gave me all sorts of tests. My favorite was Rorschach. That's where they show you ink blots and you tell them what it looks like to you. I think I nailed it.. here are my answers:

• 2 chickens doing the human dance
• a vagina
• Mothman
• another vagina
• a different vagina, with more pronounced labia, perhaps because of excitement
• Buddha, with a Hawaiian shirt, shopping for a new shovel at Walmart
• a vagina with a Caduceus up top, on the way to save a man whose blood pressure is over the top because he isn't taking his medicine
• Freddie Mercury throwing up in Technicolor, with Elton John hiding in the back
• Bigfoot riding a Harley, shopping for the right Les Paul before he goes back out on tour with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Also getting a tattoo because they won't let him onstage without one. 
• definitely a vagina, from a left handed lesbian on the east coast, maybe Boston
• 2 banjo players shopping Amazon for some 'lectrical parts for the fridge on their lawn. The one on the left.
• an elephant digging up he ground for truffles and dead bodies
• a vagina making sure not to miss the sale on ironing board covers

I passed my IQ test but failed the Rorschach test. They want me to take it over because they thought I was cheating.

There's a preview function so a blogger can see what it's going to look like before publishing it. Does my blog look like I preview things?

The Dog Still Won't Take the Trash Out and other gas station hits

 Your love is like  sushi cooked in the sun for a few days

Your government is getting ready for that $1.9 trillion bailout. Still no word on who is paying for it. The debt is larger than the economy for the first time ever. Congress shows no inclination to do anything about it, other than expand it. You voted for this. This will continue until you do something about it.

Today I identify as  the great flavor of hot oats

Look, there's no surprise we're in an extra-speedy race to the bottom in something called a handbasket.. but...  people are thinking about vaccines. A large percentage are not getting a shot... people are thinking! It's unprecedented. Not automatically getting in line like good sheep. Who woulda thought?  That said, I hope the vaccine works and there are no bad side effects.

Oh yeah, since we've been inside for a year, the next issue will be skin cancer - use your sunscreen when you get the mail.

• The best states to live in list: Washington best, Kentucky worst
• I guess Washington needs some drunken tractor races 

THE BIRDS 

They're making an incredible racket. The dog is not happy. Yes, they got into the air conditioning hose. Now it sounds like there's birds in the bedroom. I'm kinky, but not that kinky. May have to go with a finer-grained approach than shotgun this time.

You know this happened 15 minutes before the alarm went off.

Ghislaine Maxwell's US jail conditions 'are torture' - brother

• no linen toilet paper
• plastic silverware - can you imagine? 
• below one star food
• no sleep number mattress
• constant surveillance  (until it coincidentally breaks)
• everything is decorated in one color
• Two Words: boxed. wine.

Russia has given the finger to NASA, signing on with China for a Moon base.

They are working on a "scientific" station. They are putting the infrastructure in for very high speed internet, so they can both hack the US government together. Countries around the world hailed this as a genuine example of cooperation, and asked for a few tips and passwords. Many countries of Earth look forward to the day when everybody will be in US government networks, equally.

China will also be moving manufacturer Huawei to the scientific station, alongside Russian manufacturer Stolichnetwork. They will trade networking hardware and hack Space Force's scientific station, a sprawling complex of buildings that has been on the Moon since 1960. 

Back in America, the Pentagon has announced a $24 trillion initiative to beef up the US Moon scientific station with new, state of the art weapons, in order to achieve military superiority over any other scientific stations. This was discussed last year at a meeting of the Subcommittee on the Peaceful Uses of Outer Space.

On the other side of the moon, the aliens are peeing in their suits and sounding the Solar System Bat Alert because the Earthlings are moving their penchant for tribal warfare off-planet. Pretty soon other alien races will start to orbit the Moon and destroy it, to keep the human virus from infecting anything past its own planet.

NASA bombed the Moon twice: once for Science, to see how long it would ring, and once because it was "damn effin cool to bomb your own moon". Rather than admit aliens blew up the Moon, NASA will say it spontaneously combusted, like a Tesla.

• Psych evaluation ordered for man caught having sex with stuffed animals inside Target. In Florida.
• (ex-)girlfriend told him to go f- a unicorn 

the actual unicorn

I don't want to say my workplace is weird, but there is a mask mandate for all employees. Including the majority who work from home. I don't want to say we like to waste time, but I missed the Women in the Workplace seminar, that I'd get paid to sit through. Still no left handed history month.

• NASCAR driver Conor Daly lost a major sponsor because his father used a racial slur in the 80s.

New gay dad Jesse Tyler is playing Britney Spears and reading books on drag queens to his baby. But he'll love him if he comes out as straight anyway, said on the Ellen show.     @lgbtqnation

"Dad, I have something to tell you. Please sit down. I know you have raised me with all the love and best intentions possible. In spite of that, I need to tell you something. Dad, I'm straight. I'm so sorry. I hope I haven't disappointed you." 

--> Hang on a second... playing Britney Spears for infants is child abuse.

The other day I asked if Derek Chauvin could get a fair trial. Here are the questions asked of potential jurors. They got 14 pages of them. 

Amanda Gorman's The Hill We Climb stole the show at Joe Biden's presidential inauguration but when a renowned Dutch author was asked to translate her work there was an outcry because the translator is not black.

• FYI: A smart-speaker box can monitor your heartbeat using high-pitch beeps and a pinch of algorithm – study
• doesn't seem to be any end to what your smart speaker knows....

Matthew McConaughy considers run for TX governor, Geraldo considers OH senate.

Voters write-in Lucy, Mickey Mouse, ManBearPig, Prince Harry

• Florida is the worst state to walk, with more than 17 people per day, on average, being mowed down. We are very slowly coming to the realization of what I've said all along - exercise causes cancer.

Milo Yiannopoulos, gay conservative icon, has prayed his gay away and dedicated  his life to St. Joseph. This is terrible news, both for people who think you can pray your gay away, and fans of the very silly entertainer Milo. He drove campuses apoplectic, with his conservative viewpoints and humor. I watched him once enter on a platform chair, carried by 4 men. The man was truly entertaining and very intelligent; he blew away his debaters (so to speak). He was canceled by social media due to his outspoken conservative views, not his homosexuality.

He is treating being gay like an addiction, mentioning he only slipped once in 250 days. It ain't gonna work, Milo. Unless this is a stunt. [Milo goes back in]

I looked up St. Joseph. Wow. Not the father of Jesus but could have been a contender. Married to Mary, with a chaste marriage. Hey, was it a marriage for show because he needed a beard? Maybe dedicating your life to St. Joesph sounds good and Christian, but it's just affirming you're gay. The Christian hate mail is going to blow up my mailbox.

I guess it's better than that ridiculous womb repatriation where they wrap people in carpeting, sometimes killing them. Whatever happened to good old therapy for depression or bipolar or wanting to off certain people? Being a megalomaniac?

• Parler, right-wing social media dropped from Google Play store, Apple store, Visa, and their hosting, has been refused re-entry to the Apple store. 
• I'm not sure why anyone is confused over this. If they played by the rules, like Twitter, YouTube, Reddit, and others, and didn't have any of that nasty hate/free speech, none of this would be a problem.
• Gab, the original free speech network, was hacked a 2nd time. They went offline, cleaned up, and went back online. 
• Re-NOTE: I am for free speech and affirm hate speech doesn't exist - it's free speech. Free speech can mean speech I'm not comfortable with, but that's the price we pay. It is very important to have free speech for all and I'd have featured this same information if the left-leaning sites were being canceled.

I had a pleasant discussion, sort-of, with a gay lady on Twitter. Women have really been pushing the Women in IT topic. She wanted everyone to know she's here and she's queer. Well, I follow her for her tweets. I don't give a rat's patootie about what she chooses to do in her spare time. It's none of my business and more importantly, none of the government's business. Why is it necessary to identify as someone who sleeps with the same sex at home? I don't identify by my sexuality - I'm here, I'm Hetero. She said she does this because of laws. Still no left handed history month.

While I'm on the topic, why does the state government make laws about who you can marry? Why is it their business? The state can act as registrar, and take down the fact that you're married and to whom. Two states just recognized polyamorous marriages. Let your religious institution marry you, if you care. Otherwise, just register.

• No matter how many times a day Penny gets out of bed, she always runs up to me, incredibly happy to see me. You can't pay for this kind of wonderful.

CONTEST 

Using the Comments, tell me something you'd like to see here on ThermionicEmissions. If I agree, you'll win 10 imaginary ThermionicPoints. You still may not see what you want, but at least you'll have the points.

It Continues  

Disney+ pulls Dumbo, Peter Pan, The Aristocats for 'racist' stereotypes

from Giorgio Tsoukalos, on Twitter

Nissan Used to be Datsun, Said the Attack Cane

 Your love is like the endless droning on and on about Oprah interviewing ex-royals

lefty Escapes 

That's a bit of a misnomer - it should read lefty Dragged Outside.

Because I'm a good child, it only took 2 hours of arguing to get me into the car to pick Mom up. She needed stuff, so we were taking her out. 

Taking Mom shopping is a task that can send the most steadfastly sane people leaping off anything taller than two stories. Mrs. lefty manages to do this by herself, which qualifies her for a cape. In some sort of very strange math, adding another person makes things more difficult. Mom's declining a bit, so we have to keep a more careful eye on her [see Dementia page]. It was decided we were visiting a local store whose name rhymes with Arget. You can get pretty much get what you want at Arget, right?

Let me tell you how terrified of the Flying AIDS people are. The Arget parking lot was more full than at Christmas. Everybody had their masks on and were shopping as if their lives depended on it. As the pandemic proved, no matter what happens, shopping will happen. 

Shopping with Mrs. lefty is somewhat similar to shopping with a small busload of first graders: I need a drink. I need to go to the bathroom. I'm hungry. Are we there yet? I wanna go home. I miss the doggie. I need a cigarette. WARNING: this bus stops every 10 feet.

Hey, this place has hot beverages - let's get one. Mrs. lefty is a smart woman, and suggested we wait til after shopping because we'd have to keep moving our masks. I $*#&ing hate masks. This is why I don't go shopping anymore. No, I'm not having a straw hole installed in my mask. Has anyone seen any studies on people dying with masks on? Asphyxiation - lack of oxygen. People work with these things on - do they breathe through their ears? It's like breathing through your nipples and putting a bra on.

Mom needed 2 items, so I knew this was going to be a long trip. Mrs. lefty kept asking if she could just look at this... and that... and this... and that. Mom and I already have the patience of a hallucinating meth addict, so I knew things were going to get 'interesting.'  I tried. I honestly tried. It was for Mom. I had to keep guiding her along because her daughter-in-law tended to rocket all over the place, barely out of sight. 

After we had seen most of the store, we suddenly arrived at Mom's stop. NOBODY TOLD ME SHE NEEDED UNDERWEAR. Thank God Mrs. lefty was there: they communicate well. In fact, the goofier one of them gets, the better the other communicates with them. I refuse to do that math. There is one display rack of socks, about 10' wide. You can have any socks you want, so long as they're nuclear pink and don't come up to your ankles. I don't want to exaggerate - they also had nuclear green and a few shades of plaid I've never seen before in my life. I just can't see a woman of dementia age wearing nuclear pink socks, unless she asked for them. We are in a huge department store with 2 floors, and we CANNOT GET SOCKS AT ARGET. 

Next up was underwear. Mrs. lefty went right to work and I went right to hide. Mom just kinda stood there. Mrs. lefty would hold up a package and Mom would look at them and find something wrong. This wasn't helped by the size conundrum. Mom said she wears Medium. Naturally there is not a single package labeled medium - just numbers. If this were just Mom and me, I would have run screaming from the building. Who am I kidding - if it were just Mom and me, I'd wait for my wife to be available. I'd have to get an employee to accompany us everywhere we went, to explain things like Medium to Numbers. They obviously know men won't be shopping in this aisle. It's like them damn Europeans, with their size 44 shoes and size zero underwear. Don't like our sizing scheme? We'll just think up another. Nothing means anything except the price tag.

This entire operation was fraught with terror. I actually heard the phrase, "These are the ones you get at Victoria's." I wanted to hide. Anywhere. Perhaps the tools section. There is no Granny Panties section. This operation took about 30 minutes. While this was going on, the same lady passed 3 times. I was beginning to think something was up but she was only talking to Mrs. lefty. Good thing - I prefer my women under 300lbs and without a shaved head. Speaking of which, when Mrs. lefty went to the restroom, some lady asked to touch her boots. She said she wasn't a loonie, but I'm still not sure.

Then Mrs. lefty went to the Clearance Rack. In case you haven't seen a Clearance Rack, this is where there are hundreds of items on racks. You pick one up, then throw it on the floor. During the holidays, their teeth grow sharp and pointy, and they foam at the mouth. I don't claim to understand it, I'm just telling you how it works. 

After a few hours, I could stand it no more. Dinner negotiations started. Mom wanted a place I have been to too frequently. The waitress was waaay too chipper. Chipper waitresses bring out my inner executioner. I got my Coke in record time and then it hit me: I ordered a Coke and she brought me a PEPSI. This is heresy. Unacceptable. Even chipper waitresses should know one does not equal the other. Diners should not have to ask if they're getting what they ordered. There are 37 cases in the US of servers being murdered for bringing people Pepsi. The last time I ordered a Mt. Dew and the lady looked at me like I had 3 heads (instead of the usual 2). Well, Mt Dew is a Pepsi product and they had it last time. Other diners get injured when plates go whizzing by their heads and some walk out with forks in their eyes. They observed social distancing, so every other booth wasn't occupied. But since there were a few rows, everybody was 2' from everybody else. Then when you paid, an incredibly surly cash person reminded you to put on your mask. This was the kind of lady who could make 'Good morning' sound threatening. She probably owned the place to be that nasty. I was going to suggest perhaps dealing with the public wasn't for her, but I was dragged out before the words left my mouth. Never mind Mom, babysitting me is a full time job. Just lift up one side of your mouth, lady, in a sad approximation of a smile. They had to bring out a human being to smooth things over

Cashier: that'll be 50 dollars. Sigh.

Human: we'd like to give you a coupon

Cashier: DON'T STAND THERE.

Human: and a discount on your meal

Cashier: I said FIFTY DOLLARS.

Human: anything you order to take home is half price

Every other employee made you feel like they were happy you were there. Perhaps your function is to keep lines down because people were fleeing your area. They were afraid you'd slash their tires from behind the counter. If this lady has a husband, he's probably 3' tall, with a vocabulary consisting of 2 words: Yes, Dear. If he killed himself, it wasn't suicide - it would be ruled a mercy killing. They keep water in ice cube trays near her and it freezes, saving on freezer cost. In the summer, when it hits 94 with 90% humidity, her area is always cold, even when the air conditioning breaks. Her house didn't need air conditioning, but her husband slept with a parka on. A parka and chain mail armor, in case she got madder in her sleep.

You wanna know why I don't go out? It only looks like agoraphobia. It's not me - it's the stupid people I come across. I know this is going to happen again next weekend: I have plans. Anvil sharpening, quality time with my service elephant, Iqbal, pulling dog hair out of the vacuum, pulling nose hair, making sure the dog doesn't feel abandoned, reading my Space Force manual, finally going after those dratted ear hairs (I can feel them growing during the week, out of spite), and a whole bunch of stuff I can't do during the week. Who am I kidding - it's all napping.

By 8:00 I was so frustrated and tired I almost fell asleep sitting up. The only thing that kept me from falling over was the thought of that cashier with flames coming out of her mouth, setting me on fire and burning down the house. 

"He died with a mask on"

Today I identify as  vanilla pudding

• the cop who allegedly killed George Floyd is about to go on trial. What are the odds of him getting a fair trail? I'm not taking sides - this is a legal question.
• what are the 2 sides looking for in defendants? is there a place on Earth to get a fair trial? will the defense bring up drug use? will the cop be safe anywhere, regardless of outcome? will there be riots? will the judge be naked under his/her robes?

I got to watch my car's Idiot Detector go off the other night. That's the radar detector thing that tells you, when your rearview camera is on, that some idiot is crossing your path. I suspect it needs to be tuned a bit... it also detects 787s and A380s.

• two of David Bowie's Spiders from Mars are still alive 
• that is all

And what do you want as your epitaph? What do you want anyone who walks by it to read? Are you neurotic? Do you lay awake nights, worrying about this? I haven't come up with one yet. It doesn't keep me awake. In fact, nothing keeps me awake. I used to jump up when a shadow crossed the room, but I had to develop the ability to sleep through tanks moving up the street because Mrs. lefty jumps in and out of the bed at least 3 times a night. On her good nights. Her therapist said she has the 'mother of all sleep disorders.' She can take enough sleep meds to knock out the entire Space Force, then sit up and watch tv.

How do you want to be known? It really doesn't matter, as only your relatives and friends (maybe) will see it. I guess if you can bring a smile to their faces, it's worth the custom engraving. 

• He was left handed and expected the right handed world to bend to him
• Played guitar. Bought too many. They're doing him no good now. Mom was right
• He entertained people (hopefully)
• His phone said "I'm charged" when it got done charging
• He had a blog....
• He didn't come to see you - why are you coming to see him?
• He stayed in a lot. Now it's permanent.
• Moves stuff around your house when you're not looking
• Still holding off going to the dentist
• Microsoft still sucks
• Never got done annoying people
• Watch your foot - he can push this thing over
• Married once - to many people, none of whom wanted to be buried next to him

The CDC had a busy weekend, in which they decided, probably by coin toss:

• fully vaccinated Americans can safely visit unvaccinated family
• ...can socialize together without masks
• ...should visit Dr Fauci

President Biden is thinking on how the US should retaliate against China and Russia for the electronic incursions. Clandestine actions as well as sanctions are expected. I have to give the president his due: there's no way he could have come up with this so quickly. Somebody else in the administration came up with this. Perhaps they asked Dick Cheney. Just kidding, old Dick would have given Halliburton a $3 billion contract to build arms that wouldn't work without another $5 billion (each).  When asked about electronic incursions, Biden mentioned the rug in the Oval Office.

• I know you were waiting for it: Pepe LePew has been canceled. His bit in Space Jam has be excised for promoting 'rape culture.'
• We had no bicycle helmets growing up, but we did have Dr. Seuss and Pepe LePew. Also violent cartoons. It's amazing we made it to adulthood without becoming violent rapists with crashed-in skulls.

Astronomers have discovered the most distant radio signals yet, which voyaged more than 13 billion light years across the universe before they were captured by multiple observatories here on Earth.  The signal read "Send more Oprah Megan Harry."

We do not expect to send a response.

• Happy Birthday to Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees
• all of my heroes are well past Medicare age. I don't know what to do with that yet

This is too cool - a sea slug's detached head can crawl around and grow a whole new body. I suspect certain members of Congress can too.

• If it's all the same to you, we'd prefer birds remain on the outside of the house, thank you. We are not starting a bird sanctuary indoors, they're not much of a snack, they make the dog bark, and the trophy wall is full. 

It's 2021 and within the next few years, everyone will have a talk show. Live from the "How Is This Still On" department, we have Drew Barrymore and Kelly Clarkson. They should be required to open the shows with train wrecks because the rest of the show certainly is. Either the ladies are medicated, the audience is medicated, or both should be. 

The presidents dogs have been removed from the White House over signs of aggression. I think they should stay there. It will send a message to everyone, plus the dogs won't be taken away from their people.

• 'Women suffer concussion too,' says former rugby player
• of course they do - now the question is why bother to continue activities that are likely to provide concussions and traumatic brain injuries?

Unilever drops work 'normal' from beauty products

Its boss said it wanted to create a "more inclusive definition of beauty".

Dove's owner said the editing ban would apply to "body shape, size, proportion and skin colour" and "normal" would be removed from 200 products.

You can drop as many words as you want, but fat isn't normal, no matter how many times you say it is. People who get their heads bashed in also aren't normal. They may be beautiful inside, but that's not what you're selling. SJW crusading virtue-signaling.

• WINNING: a Windows Blue Screen of Death t-shirt. At $13.95, I'm buying a few, plus one for the dog.

I've Got Blintzes on my Fingers

 Your love is like  a Hillary Clinton book tour

Who says America has become irrelevant?

Although we've driven 13% less miles during the Flying AIDS, 8% more have died and just under 4.8 million were injured. Even my rudimentary math skills show grave improvement in the stats. Never underestimate the power and derring do of Americans. When most people were under house arrest, the rest got out there and drove more dangerously, solely to keep the stats up, but these brave people went out and improved the stats.

Next week the Highways Administration will release the official figures on road conditions during the Flying AIDS. Unofficially, we hear that, with the 13% decline in ridership, the roads have still managed a 27% decline in drivability. That's 10% above last year's figures. Again, American know-not-how comes through; this time to further ruin your suspension and take out more tires! Beat that, Russia! 

Today I identify as  an imposter

In addition to my other talents, I have flat feet. They're so flat, the National Institute of Standards and Technology uses them as the standard for flat. Unsatisfied to stop there, I also have clown feet. They're large. They'd be floppy too, but I don't need floppy feet to knock things over and trip on stuff. When I see that box there, I tell myself, "Self, don't kick that box." As I move past the box, I kick it. I see the little space heater and tell myself, "Self, don't kick over that little space heater," as I kick it over. I'm like some kind of really stupid reverse magic act.

• In an historic event, the pope met with the top Iraq Shiite cleric.
• the pope's guards removed 14 knives, 3 automatic rifles, 5 handguns, and 2 explosive devices

We know of my great love for all things Microsoft. It took me 30 minutes to boot up yesterday, late to work. Today I discovered a great feature of Outlook. See if you recognize this:

Boss: Congrats to Buzz, who was promoted to Head Loss Accountant

Person1: Yay Buzz!

Person2: Kick it, Buzz

Person3: You're the right person for the job, Buzz

Person4: You don't have to hit REPLY ALL

Person5: Buzz - you're the MAN

Person6: could you please take me off this list?

Although you're not responsible for coworkers who are too stupid to hit the REPLY button instead of REPLY ALL, you still have to pay for their stupidity. And it happens EVERY TIME. Show a man how to reply and he'll reply once. Teach a man to reply and you'll teach him every time.

Right click on the first message and click IGNORE. It's the best button in any Microsoft product. The entire thread goes away and you'll never see it again. Until the next spate of people hitting REPLY ALL.

Anybody can claim to work with some of the most stupid people on the planet... you have actual proof.

• Comedian Sarah Silverman has apologized to Paris Hilton for jokes she told about Paris going to prison in 2007, at the MTV Movie Awards.
• alleged comedian Kathy Griffin apologized to Paris Hilton for observations she had about Paris in 2003
• alleged comic Paul Reiser apologized to Paris Hilton for thoughts he had about her in 2000
• alleged comic Jerry Seinfeld apologized to Paris Hilton for not making any jokes about her during his entire career

I read an article about buying new pc's. For most normal people, who didn't originally buy anemic machines, there's little use in paying out more. Unless you have a specific reason, of course. I bought a pretty nice main machine, because I tend to keep them for a while. My backup machine is pretty old, but you'd never know it by its performance. I have a really old desktop that I put together years and years ago that still runs fine. Granted, I don't have the drag of Windows, but it would run fine on my main machine and the first backup.

I want to specify that you shouldn't buy anemic machines, unless there's a specific reason. Chromebooks and machines with Celeron chips are throwaways. The Celeron chips make a wheezing noise when they run (no they don't) and you'll notice the 'I think I can' when you ask it to do something. I don't like Chromebooks because they don't do processing and storage locally and Google has access to all your information. Do a lot of research, and make sure you're getting enough processor and RAM for your money. Storage is cheap and can be added later. Get solid state drives - they're much faster. Brand new $300-$500 machines will disappoint you, immediately or soon after.

Oh, and use linux - Windows is not an operating system, it's a virus.

• Brazil's president Jair Bolsonaro has a unique solution to the Flying AIDS spike: He told the people to 'stop whining.'
• That's the kind of progressive thinking you'd never hear from most other countries. Biden should try it.

I just saw a documentary about Charlie Manson's music. And when I say I saw it, I mean I realized what it was and flipped the channel faster than a KPop concert in my living room. The narrator said the music was how Charlie wanted the world to see him.

I gotta be honest -  I miss Charlie. He was a never-ending source of amusement, if you got past the mind control, the Charlie-ettes, and killing all those innocent people. What kind of person scrawls a swastika on his forehead, who isn't really a white supremacist? He never showed a minute of remorse for his heinous misdeeds. At least he was honest. You don't see a lot of that with today's mad serial killers. Every time he came up for parole, he said something ridiculous that sent him right back to his comfy cell.

Parole Board: Mr. Manson, how do you feel about the crimes you committed?

Charlie: I'm upset. I feel I could've done more.

But there was another side to Charlie -  a musical side. He even got the Beach Boys to record a song of his (Going to Surf City, Gonna Kill Someone). The brief glimpse of his song I saw was a traditional blues called I'm a Trash Dump. The documentary chose to put scenes of huge machinery doing garbage dumpy things in an actual garbage dump. This shows Charlie's fidelity to the blues, his accuracy, and his complete inability to sound like an old black bluesman. In fact it shows his complete inability to sing. But he was faithful to the form and gets some points for it.

There was another side of Charlie than the one which would shove a dagger through your liver if you called him Chuck. A kind side. Every year on his mom's birthday, the prison guards would accompany him to her grave, where he would alternately put flowers on it or piss on it, depending on what the voices were telling him. He did a lot of unpublished work at orphaned children's homes. He visited a new one every week because the previous one asked him to kindly not return. Yes, there is an entire generation of orphans Charlie worked with. You can tell them by the swastikas on their foreheads.

Charlie was a first class gardener. He even had his own little piece of ground at the prison. He became proficient at it from making things look nice after burying the bodies.  The warden suspects some of his more troublesome inmates are buried there after they argued with Charlie and disappeared.

Charlie was a master of systems and discipline, always having the other people and inmates do his work: he was an Idea Man. Idea Men don't get their hands dirty. I know this because I too am an Idea Man. A bit of trivia: Charlie couldn't stand the sight of blood, so having underlings worked out really well for him. He also had a giant penis. How do we know this? Women flocked to him, slept with him, and killed for him. How else could he be so magnetic?

Charlie had a few secret bank accounts under different names. He always gave to charities, remaining anonymous because of other names. One of his favorite charities was the Catholic church. It amazed him how they could get away with the things they did without ever paying for it, mostly molesting little boys. He was in awe of this and studied their writings often. He vowed to become a priest, if he could manage to not say something about killing people at his parole hearings.

Another favorite charity was the CIA. They always needed money for black projects and Charlie gave and gave. Something about the organization felt like home to him, but he could never remember what it was. He contributed to many women's charities up until he learned they wouldn't contribute to him. He believed in world peace and always had a feed from the UN when they were discussing it.

Few people know the extent of his devotion to the arts, music aside. He was particularly fond of making paper versions of things. They were all very accurate, astounding everyone around him. He started out with paper airplanes and proceeded to bombers. They took his paper away after they discovered a scale model of Los Angeles under the paper bombers. The prison psychiatrist disagreed, saying it was a safe outlet for his... issues. On occasion, other inmates would slip him some paper, and he'd produce incredibly detailed replicas of guns and knives. This stopped after he kept trying to use them to escape.

When Charlie died, it came as a great surprise to him. He believed he would live forever, and go on to influence generations. He died of a broken heart, after being told the only people scrawling swastikas in their foreheads were the white supremacists.

• By the time we're almost dead, we will all finally be free of our major issues and ready to live life cleanly and easily

They told us there was a suggestion box at work. It was completely anonymous, except for your email name and address. I was going to suggest if there were less messages about This History Month and That History Month, maybe we could get more work done. Every now and then I stop and think, which is a recent accomplishment. This probably wouldn't have been welcomed, just as my suggestion for left handed history month was roundly ignored.

• If I could walk on water, I would. On Sundays. Near houses of worship

People have no idea how big the Cuomo issue is. 

It's not every day I say something like this, but... [sniff]

I too was sexually harassed by Governor Cuomo.  [sniff]

He was equal opportunity - he would harass women, men, frogs, random pets, even the homeless.

I don't want to go through the shit show that will be the trial. I feel better because Mrs. lefty went up there and beat the shit out of him (before he had a chance to harass her).

• Idaho had a mask burning rally. It probably lacked the splendor of the 70s bra burnings.
• In Texas, a Mexican restaurant decided to keep its mask rules. Good-natured residents threatened to call ICE on the employees.

In the midst of all the Harry and Megan bulldookey, we need to be reminded to be accepting and loving. I mention this because a study showed bisexual women with straight male partners are least likely to be out. Guys, why limit your partner? For those of you who like to watch, this is the 4th of July. Maybe you can do a deal for a threesome. Accept your partner for who they are.

The previous paragraph was brought to you by Teenage Boys and Men of America.

A 51 year old man died in Ventura County, CA, after colliding with another surfer.

Our hearts go out to the man's family. We're getting closer and closer to outright proof that exercise causes cancer. Have you ever read a headline that says two men died when their couches crashed into each other?

Keeping time with the warnings of violent video games causing violence, an exorcist warned the public on the danger of horror films leading to demonic possession. Taking all this expert advice into account, we should all be watching pr0n, because love and sex could break out.

Video Adapters do not Adapt Video: Discuss

 Your love is like  Bill Gates set loose in a virus lab

The Cancel Crowd has decided Dr. Seuss is racist. Naturally, there are memes:

Since nobody is brave enough, allow me to list the racist books

• The Pocket Book of Boners (that are bigger than white ones)
• I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today (but let's go to KFC instead)
• The Cat in the Pimp Hat
• Horton Hears the Cops
• My Book About Victimization
• The Lorax be Dope n' Shit
• Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are (that you're not black)?
• I Am Not Going to Get Up Today (I'll just stay in bed and collect welfare)
• My Many Colored Days
• My Big Book of Beginner Books about Me (and my many children with different mothers)
• Dr Seuss's Book of Animals (live from the Black Lives Matter peaceful riot)

Next in the parade is DNA databases are too white.

The problem is that not enough black people are submitting their DNA. Something about being afraid to be identified.

Let's be fair - I wouldn't want to either. The ancestry companies are already in bed with the FBI.

Today I identify as   a variable

There are new color pictures of Mars. Naturally there are none of the actual Martians, who have stopped hiding. They're currently racing the original Rover against the Perseverance rover.

As if Horton wasn't enough, and it never is, Seattle bike helmet laws are racist.

Also declared racist: window tint, premium gas, carpet, speakers, and lamps. If we could get them to declare Windows racist, our job would be done.

Also: why are there bike helmet laws?

We all like ThermionicEmissions because we're intelligent, rugged individualists. Every now and then I have to admit going with the crowd, and nowhere is this more evident than bacon and anything having to do with bacon. I'd eat cardboard if it had bacon around it. *NOTE: this does not apply to matzoh, which has less flavor and fiber than cardboard. Also Pizza Hut pizza.

Of course there are many things I don't go along with and several that I just don't get. Zombies, for instance. How did Zombies become a 'thing'?

If any of you took sociology or read a sociology book, or have one in the house, you could become the Official ThermionicEmissions Sociologist. Then explaining this shit would be Your Problem.

• Some of my bits come via avoidance. Currently, I'm avoiding bringing in the trash bins. 
• Avoidant Personality Disorder is avoidance of feared stimuli. I'm guessing trash bins don't count as stimuli.

WARNING: Don't eat the cauliflower - it tastes like cauliflower. And looks like brains.

Are any of you dropping words? Are you picking them up?

I'll be thinking to myself that I need to include a Hendrix link in the blog.  I'll start typing and not remember Hendrix, for the life of me. Or any other word. The doctors tell me it's normal. I don't think it's... uhhhh.... you know... that word...

• It's ok if you can't remember where you put your car keys. It's a problem if you can't remember what they do.

My friend said, "To cats, all humans are heated furniture."

My dear dog seems to have taken that loving stance (or sits). We know she will only sit on the couch or bed, never the floor. Now she wants to sit on me. If there's an inch between the laptop and me, she squeezes in and attempts to monopolize all the space. Continuing the Abandonment Dance, she has taken to sleeping on bed pillows, sometimes ours. It's ok - she leaves us room most of the time. Last night she decided on the general area of my general center. She does not understand that my brain is kept there, so she has to be careful. There's something about physics and a 24lb dog coming down with one paw in certain places that, quite frankly, hurts. Fortunately she abandoned her perch before the bleeding got really bad.

Mrs. lefty, a very smart woman, discovered she needed to stop her wild affair with the Home Shopping Bankruptcy Networks. Or at very least, she need to appear to stop the wild affair. Rather than claim the daily spate of delivery boxes, she tells me in advance that there's a box coming, and it's "towels for Mom's birthday" or "a matching noose for our sister-in-law." She takes advantage of my attention span, which is approximately as short as a pregnant gnat. Plus she knows if she's talking, I'm generally ignoring. Thus, when said 'present' shows up, she tells me she told me and it's a present, it's not for her. I played along for the first few months, then I notices the 'presents' looked an awful lot like things she would buy for herself. All of the sudden, everybody was getting shoes as presents. I'm sometimes forgetful, but I'm not stupid (except Wednesdays - I hate them). 

I decided to retaliate. I started by bring the boxes in and 'hinting,' like "gee, that's too small for a guitar,"  and "nope, it doesn't come from the Southpaw Shop" (the main lefty-only guitar shop in the US, located in Houston, TX).  She'd say no, these are the boots for your mom's birthday. Mom always gets presents, but there's something about an older, fragile woman wearing hooker boots from Pretty Woman that seems just a little odd. I know she can't wear that size either, which, coincidentally, is Mrs. lefty's size.

Someone suggested getting all your guitars in one color, so she doesn't notice a new one. The only problem is that whatever I buy, it won't go unnoticed financially. She will also not believe that the $1,000 tube amp kit is for my mother's birthday, or that Mom has had 3 birthdays already this year, and it's only March. 

As the Flying AIDS mandates are starting to end, NY is testing a COVID Passport at stadiums. Never mind the horrid status issues - this is setting off red flags, people. If things are abating, why are more stringent requirements going into place? There is also an international travel app going into trials.

If you're heading to China or if you just like this sort of thing, anal swabs are now mandatory for foreigners entering China. (ask for Xi Peng)

It's 2 days past the day QAnon said Trump was going to rise, Jesus-like, back to power. As best I can tell, this failed to happen. Or maybe it happened so stealthily we just didn't notice it.

In related news, Capitol Police say they have uncovered intelligence of a "possible plot" by a militia group to breach the Capitol. I call BS. It has all the markings of an FBI manufactured event or something that just happened to happen after a real event. The House canceled its session. Yes, when liberty mattered, men came out with muskets, willing to lay down their lives in the cause of freedom. Ours ran out the back door.

Brave brave brave brave Sir Robin

When danger reared its ugly head

He bravely turned his tail and fled

Brave brave brave brave Sir Robin

Or maybe Trump just thinks he's back as president. He can say anything he wants and still not get anything done. It won't be far from his actual presidency. On the other hand, he won't bomb any countries, so there's that.

A SpaceX rocket nailed its touchdown, but failed in the overview because it blew up. The Teslas spontaneously combust. I'm beginning to think it's not safe to purchase a Musk product. One hopes standing near him is still safe... hopefully he won't burst into flames. It's getting weird around Tesla headquarters, where some employees won't open his emails or go to his virtual meetings, for fear of fire. In order to get his own secretary to talk to him, he has to throw $100s.

Ah, work is fun. Like sawing one's leg off without benefit of anesthesia. We have a ticketing system. Everybody has a ticketing system. When software is written, they try to make it user-friendly. For some reason, we bought the user-hostile software. It is the worst POS I have ever worked on and I don't have to work on it much. Occasionally I have to process a request, which seems only mildly horrific. The other day I had to put in a ticket, like a user. NO WONDER PEOPLE HATE THIS THING. I want to be helpful to the company and point out the ticking time bomb, because there are groups that get together to 'improve' things. In the 45 years we've used this software (ok, 2), apparently nobody noticed there's no way to figure out where to send your request. 

They managed to get the basic stuff covered. If the computer is on fire, or looks like it is about to be, you just select HARDWARE and the system will do the rest. If you need Photoshop for a personal project on work time, choosing SOFTWARE will route the request, and you'll get a rejection in a week or 6. If there are any slight variations, you're screwed, for which there is no selection. To make the game more challenging and more fun, the request will go to the Waiting Queue Tank, where highly sophisticated coworkers, with at least 2 weeks' employment, will go over it and make sure it's routed to the incorrect department. This takes place in blinding speed - approximately the time it takes to rebuild an engine (but engine rebuilders have a clue as to what they're doing). When the ticket gets assigned, correctly or incorrectly, it goes to a whole list of victims people in that department for processing, screaming at, or General Ignoring. After 6-12 months, the system will remind you there's an unprocessed ticket so everybody can go on ignoring it. That's the thing about my employer; there is no discrimination, no racism, no distinctions at all. Everybody has the power and the will to ignore a ticket. We all ignore the ticket evenly, across the board, no favoritism. Even if we know it's misdirected and shouldn't go to us, we can't find the correct department either, just like the person who originally filled out the ticket. Or didn't fill out the ticket.

For some reason, I am guilty of being Competent. Others have judged me Competent, then they told still others. This is a very bad thing, because if you're Competent, people will call on you as The Main Guy, who Gets Things Done. Because of this, I saw the doctor, and there's no way to get rid of this title medically. Long term coworkers tell me to just stop doing anything, and that will eventually remove Competence, but it can take years. Because of being Competent, I got made the Superintendent of Tickets for my department, so when the ticket is roundly and equally ignored by the entire department, it goes back to ME. I found this out today, to my abject horror. Out of all my duties, this one would be right up there with root canal. I don't mind doing anything. Except dealing with tickets. Tickets that are over 6 months old and nothing has been done except putting them on Ignore Status. I've done work that belongs to other departments gladly, before dealing with tickets. I am writing this bit solely to avoid dealing with tickets.

Perhaps because I have been found Competent and speak up in meetings, I got an unofficial promotion to Unofficial Team Lead. The retiring Unofficial Team Lead told me a while back that she got the unofficial position along with a secret pay raise. The pay raise was so secret, she couldn't see it. It was so secret, it didn't register in her bank account. So now I have that position. So I had a sit down with myself and tried to figure out the position, and was it really right for me. Perhaps I failed to learn that military lesson about not speaking up. For anything. Regardless, aside from an unofficial title, there seems to be no actual advantage. I don't get the key to the women's washroom, no access to the soda machine that actually works all the time, only the normal amount of days off, and HR will still go after me for any complaint. But more people know me and ask me to do stuff. All because I ask questions and do stuff reasonably quickly. In this group, the position should be official and come with a doubling of salary.

Does it come with Promotion Potential, you're asking yourself. Well, yes. When they need someone to do something in a different department, I'm obvious. Maybe even something to do with supervising people. They make the mistake of assuming anybody who's good at their technical job would be a good supervisor and leader. Now think about this... we geeks get into computers at a young age, mostly to make money and avoid people. We get really good at our jobs (and avoiding people), so we're promoted to something we can't do or aren't interested in doing. This is the Peter Principle: you're promoted to the level of your own incompetence.

I get all sorts of spam about expanding your network. Nope - that's a social thing. I want to expand my paycheck, not my network. When they do promote someone like this, there are unintended consequences. Telling the group to take the day off, having Drunk Fridays, setting up the No Phone Answering Initiative, and stopping all meetings will only wind up pissing people off up the chain, then I won't get put back where I was happy - they'll just fire me.

And that is why I hate this ticketing software.

The NFL's Washington team is dropping cheerleaders in favor of a coed dance team. Didn't see that one coming. I wonder if we'll see a waltz and maybe a charleston.

The future just fell off its chair, laughing.

American Air Sees UFOs but Still Won't Let My Service Elephant Fly

 Your love is like  hydrochloroflouromethane

• One thing the Flying AIDS taught us is that we touch our faces 103 times a day
• we touch other people's faces 104 times a day
• we touch our genitals 105 times a day 

Today the president continued work on solidifying the $1.9 trillion bailout bill. When asked how we're going to pay for this, he said, "I'm going to Disneyland!"

The city lay in ruins. The remnants of the last four snowstorms still on the ground, mostly washed away by the rains. It would be washed away by the clouds, if the clouds could wash away the snow. Perhaps the temps while the clouds were out helped wash away the snow. We had a day in which it was merely sunny, in recent memory. This, too, helped wash away the snow. Watering your lawn in winter helps was away the snow, and the Crazy Lady was out there, replacing the snow with ice. So we've established there are many things that can possibly wash away the snow.

I was worried and suspicious this morning, when I sensed sun. Sun unblocked (fully) from clouds. I didn't know what to do with myself. All was revealed when I got down the steps, to work, and saw the wind advisories. This also explained the neighborhood children flying by my window (normally they just walk, or proceed at a quicker pace). Out of the corner of my eye, I think I saw a Volkswagen fly by, but the doctors told me to ignore anything I see out of the corners of my eyes. People whose bodies can tell the weather are borderline crippled today. You know.. arthritis or fibromyalgia. Small wonder older folks love the Southwest. My body can barely tell day from night, but I like the Southwest too. Plainly stated, humidity sucks, and boy do we have an excess of it... I think the barometer has something to do with people hurting, and I'm told they have no barometer in the Southwest.

Of course the weather is never certain, but I believe we have locusts tomorrow.. or was it vape shops.... I never remember.

We're still enjoying our talking answering machine. I didn't see the box, but it's definitely guaranteed to pronounce every name incorrectly, including my own. For this level of amusement, it should just make a fart noise every time somebody calls - farts are universal humor among men and enlightened women. When NASA finally admits there are Martians, we will find they, too, think farts are funny (through whatever orifice they come). 

The Martians have been busy with the new rover, this time putting the wrong size windshield wiper blades on it. Whenever they turn on, all they do it smear the dirt around. This proves there are very few differences between our races. 

Today I identify as a successful blogger

[do you realize when I become huge, you can tell everybody you were here before I was popular? that you made me successful?]

Mitt Romney is the latest politician to sport a black eye and stitches, this time from an alleged fall. Being a politician seems to come with some disastrous issues, like the pretzel that almost killed Bush the Less Intelligent, Harry Reid's recent black eye, and Mitch McConnell's purple bruises all over the place. I think they should just opt for assassination attempts, like Reagan. By the way, Reagan's shooter was well-acquainted with the Bushes. So the rest of the politicians are either nervous, or standing in line to get their injury, as they stood in line for their Flying AIDS vaccine. The only mystery here is who's giving out the bruises.

• States are easing their virus restrictions. Even Royal Caribbean is fully vaccinated, and their vacationers now consist of lottery players and voters who think politicians care. 

New York's governor Cuomo is in the middle of a sexual harassment shitstorm. The way to curb this type of behavior is to throw him in jail with the rest of the population, where he will learn the definition of sexual harassment. 

The Boy Scouts are offering the boys they abused $6,000 each. The boys are not amused. Still no word from the Catholic church. We will have live aliens in press conferences before word from the Catholic church.

• Today's sudden discovery about the Flying AIDS jab is that it may be less effective if you're fat. So don't be fat, ok?

In "Stuff we've done to the environment" department, horny toads are disappearing. Apparently the scientists have never been in a bar near closing time.

• Today is the day QAnon says Trump will be president again.
• So put on your safety belts and wear something dark, in case heads explode
• also, be on the lookout for Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Boy, if you think the Flying AIDS stressed the hospital system, imagine what an immediate Trump re-presidency would do. Regular old hospitals would have to be converted into mental wards. Antidepressant prescriptions would go through the roof. HEY... maybe QAnon is just a cover for Big Pharma. The government would have to put resources into getting mental health counselors on every corner. We'd need to put nets around all buildings over 3 stories in case of jumpers. We'd also need bandages for people who jumped from 1 story buildings. Hollywood would shut down for at least 4 years (there's always a silver lining). CNN would finally have something to do, as would late night shows.

Either way we're bombing Syria.

Police made over 20,000 requests for video from Ring doorbells/cameras last year. You can't even walk down the block without being video'd. Both of these things should bother you.

Know what's great about being an (alleged) adult?

I can have two YooHoo juice boxes if I want 

Two Nigerian nurses were attacked by the family of a deceased COVID-19 patient. One nurse had her hair ripped out and suffered a fracture. The second was beaten into a coma.

The attack in Nigeria early last month was just one of many on health workers globally during the COVID-19 pandemic. A new report by the Geneva-based Insecurity Insight and the University of California, Berkeley’s Human Rights Center identified more than 1,100 threats or acts of violence against health care workers and facilities last year.

This is your brain on ignorance. If Nigeria wants to kill health workers, tell the health workers to go home. When they have a fire, do they try to kill the firemen? When President Biden was told about this, he shook his head and said to Kamilla, "Remind me to start a war there."

Far right social media platform Gab was hacked.

Everything was accessed, including private messages.

This was Attack of the SJWs, attempting to show the press what they didn't like about GAB, that there were white supremacists and other unsavory groups on the service.

NOW I'm good and fired up. 

There is no secret that Gab is far right, and has unsavory (but strictly legal) characters.

You see, I've been a member of Gab for years. Just like Twitter, I mute what I don't like and enjoy what I do. There are a lot of really nice people there, who are sick of Twitter and social media's left-bias. 

I am not far right. I am not unsavory (well, maybe on weekends). I am not a white supremacist. Yes this snotty, do-gooding, smug SJW is going to use my data as an example. This is a prime example of what happens when people take the law into their own hands. The law exists for a reason and attempts to subvert it should be prosecuted. Gab has had more than its share of negative press and chances to prove itself legal, and a First Amendment champion. Because this SJW calls foul, people's information and private chats are now in the hands of others. The people who run these groups are anonymous, otherwise they'd be made an example of. Ironic. I don't support either action. If the government had a problem with anything on Gab, they could submit a request for information.

Gab has had trouble ever since they started, because they're free speech and organizations and people don't like free speech. They've had problems with providers, hosts, and even payment systems. The owner and his wife have had their personal credit smeared because of this.

Free speech is sometimes speech with which you don't agree. A certain segment of the population believes only their speech should be protected.

/END RANT

Gab should also know better than to not have their Security Stuff in order.

/END ADDENDUM RANT

So I'm watching a show that claims people are unearthing these types of remains in Peru:

Their immediate thought was aliens. My immediate thought is that there weren't many guitar players in this species. Long fingers are nice, but only 3 could hamper your playing. As they're around 1800 years old, my point may be moot.

We do not exist just to make light of current and other events, no sir. Sometimes we tackle the Science, even if Fauci is not involved to call it Science. Today, marshmallows.

The cuttlefish [I've got a nice cuttlefish for you if you wake up, Pollllllyy] has shown that it can delay gratification for a greater reward.

Scientists administered an adapted version of the Stanford marshmallow test to cuttlefish and found that the cephalopods could delay gratification—that is, wait a bit for preferred prey rather than settling for a less desirable prey

how did they explain it to the cuttlefish? They don't read, you know.

 

[study] involved 600 kids between the ages of four and six, all culled from Stanford University's Bing Nursery School. He would give each child a marshmallow and give them the option of eating it immediately if they chose. But if they could wait 15 minutes, they would get a second marshmallow as a reward. Then Mischel would leave the room, and a hidden video camera would tape what happened next.

This is a study that could only have taken place at that time. Taping kids today will put you in a Bad Place, possibly even in public office.

 

Some kids just ate the marshmallow right away. Others found a handy distraction: covering their eyes, kicking the desk, or poking at the marshmallow with their fingers. Some smelled it, licked it, or took tiny nibbles around the edges. Roughly one-third of the kids held out long enough to earn a second marshmallow.

The study does not mention whether the lickers were considered to have held out. Are they smarter for having licked but not eaten the treat?

 

Several years later, Mischel noticed a strong correlation between the success of some of those kids later in life (better grades, higher self-confidence) and their ability to delay gratification in nursery school.

Following children around is also strongly frowned upon these days.  Again, does this include the lickers? Following lickers around is even more strongly discouraged.  A 2020 study was performed with Oreos and vanilla cookies with German and Kenyan schoolchildren (because they don't have Oreos in Kenya. Anyone who stayed awake in history knows it's a poor country. Please send more aid). The study came up with the same result. Once again, nowhere in the study is there a comparison between studies with Oreos and studies with marshmallows. This is the level of student our schools are turning out. A truly comprehensive study would include marshmallow cookies.

Cuttlefish is third cousin to octopi and squid, more distantly related to the elbow.

The test itself involved 3d printing, non-fishy symbols, and live grass shrimp. The cuttlefish was really sweaty and had a banger of a headache by the time the test had ended.

The study did not include my dog. Given a bowl of food, she will sniff, leave, and look around for something better.

So, from taping children to confusing cuttlefish, thus goes the progression of Science.

• Malaysia disclosed a nine year long data breach
• how do you think we kept the fares so low?  

The Feigned Fickle Finger of Fate Flocks to the Fore

 Your love is like  stage 4 anal probes

Never ever ever, in your wildest, dreams and thoughts, even think about pissing off a woman. El Chapo's wife is going to rat out the cartel. Apparently he was unfaithful.

Hey, Chapo... now would be a good time to beg for American protection. Even a small hole, with cockroaches, would be safer... Saddam Hussein had one...

2021 Golden Globes?

Who cares? 

• Eyes may show early warnings for Alzheimer's.
• The dems had this scientific breakthrough held til after the election 

QAnon, the conspiracy group following Trump, says he will be made president again next week. I'm going out on a limb here and saying this won't happen. If it were to, it would come as quite a shock to the old guy in the White House. Most importantly, it would come as a real aneurysm creator for his voters. This part might be kinda funny. They've spent the last 4 years with their brains THIS close to popping out their ears already. Then Trump will be declared the loser and we'll might as well put Vermin Supreme in, where he belongs. I believe the gist here is that someone needs to cut off the flow of hallucinogenics to QAnon.

Speaking of which, an 800 year old Hebrew comment on the bible says Iran is going to bomb everyone, the messiah will be revealed, people will panic, and this will be before the Flying AIDS goes away.

We better keep these 2 groups apart or Trump will be revealed as the Messiah, and the democrats will bomb Iran. Close associates say Trump already thinks he's the Messiah.

Today I identify as  that brown stuff under the dirty snow

L.A. police are looking into vandalism, fire at a Buddhist temple. Someone's afraid the Buddhists are going to come after them.

So that American Airlines plane that saw a ufo? This isn't the first time.

Told you so.

There is no snickering in the article. Watch for more of this. For whatever reason, someone has decided to let some truth out. Regardless, it's a psyop. We've been watching these since at least 1940, probably before.

• A news photographer reporting on a suspected outbreak of youth violence..... was attacked and seriously injured. Officials are charging attempted murder.
• Officials are closer than ever to claiming an outbreak of youth violence

My coworker called me the other day. "I don't mean to whine," (he means to whine) "but how's that project I asked for help with?" (dumped on you) "The boss said he wanted it done by Tuesday" (I wanted to get it done to look good for the boss). "I know you're a database specialist" (I'm too fat and lazy to take the free classes) so I thought you could help" (do my work for me). "We're a great team when we work together" (when you do my work for me) "and the boss appreciates it" (and I get credit for it all). "I always make sure to highlight the great work you've done" (sometimes forget to put your name on it).

I'm the guy who 'gets in' to work before his appointed time. That is, until Windows 10. Now we just take it for granted that I'll be 5-30 minutes late. When I shut down, there are naturally all sorts of updates. Ok, this is perfectly acceptable, so long as the option to shut down with updates is there. It isn't? Oh, Microsoft got tired of the charade where you'd tell it not to update and it would update anyway. So I tell it to shut down, it ignores me and updates. Bright and early Monday morning, I fire it up and... it has to process updates. DO NOT TURN OFF COMPUTER. It could have processed updates when it got them, but nooooo, it has to wait til work time. TURN OFF COMPUTER. GET A BETTER OPERATING SYSTEM.

• If you're sitting at your desk, and things just aren't right, and you find yourself going for that 2nd cup of coffee, take it from me: MOVE THE DECAF TO ANOTHER SHELF

Hackers tied to China and hackers tied to Russia's GRU have been in US systems for waaaaay too long. But here are ThermionicEmissions, we emphasize the positive. For instance, if you want to learn Russian, you save a file to the network named LEARN RUSSIAN and they'll get back to you post haste. You'll be learning Russian in no time. Chinese is a little more difficult. LEARN CHINESE will get you Mandarin, but China has more dialects than late shows have Trump jokes, so know this as you go in.

Pfizer and Moderna are getting ahead of the rush for a new trail aimed at boosting effectiveness of their vaccines against new Flying AIDS variants. This could wind up being a real bonanza for vaccine makers! We'd need a shot for each PANIC variant. At this point, you could be getting monthly shots. It would be your patriotic duty to line up for your shots, old people first.  The manufacturers assure us they will make nothing on the shots. Pfizer and Moderna are quick to assure you that, as the variant shots come out monthly, the variants will speed up too, so it will be a daily cycle. Reps for Pfizer and Moderna cannot be reached, because they're partying like it's 1999.

• Leading Irish racehorse trainer Gordon Elliott says a photo circulating on social media of him sitting on a dead horse is real. He apologizes.
• We should have one day a week dedicated to apologies. Monday sounds good. This way, everybody who said something the Cancel Offended Brigade takes exception to can get right up there an apologize.

(British) Farmer A and Farmer B are having a chat. They're talking about the weather, families and expected yields.

Farmer A: Weather looks bout normal.

Farmer B: Yep. Clouds.

A: Sometimes I wonder why everything grown doesn't just wash out to sea.

B: sheep?

A: they're not grown

B: Yes they are

A: they're not planted

B: true. But if the ground goes out, the sheep are likely to go with them

A: true. (H)ouses too.

B: and monkeys

A: we don't grow monkeys

B: but if we did, oh boy they'd be dragging on by

A: you can't plant a monkey

B: sure you can

A: have you ever tried it?

B: err... no.

A: well how do you know?

B: Farmer C said he'd tried it

A: and you'd be ok substituting his word for actual experience?

B: well..... yes.

A: do you have any idea what's involved in planting monkeys? The variance from the council alone would bankrupt you, no less the picketing from the animal rights groups. Then you have to feed them. You can't go to the store and get Monkey Chow.

B: curry

A: you don't feed monkeys curry. 

B: then what do you feed them?

A: well, bananas for one. This is a zero sum game, because you're either growing or buying bananas to feed the monkeys, what you planted a while ago.

B: you could plant a lot of bananas

A: you'd wind up with acres of bananas, most to feed the bleedin monkeys, which, as I said, can't be planted. An exercise in futility, it would be.

B: you know what's really an exercise in futility?

A: what?

B: crop circles

A: why

B: well, you wake up one morning and there's bleedin crop circles. I wouldn't plant them, no sir.

A: you don't plant crop circles.

B: listen, wisearse, if you don't plant them, then how they grow?

A: they don't grow... they kinda show up.

B: well then you might as well plant them.

A: you can't plant crop circles.

B: why not?

A: there are no crop circle seeds.

B: Farmer C has them.

A: have either of you done anything below ground level?

B: Yes. No. It's because of the bleedin crop circles.

A: what about them?

B: they take over your wheat

A: how so?

B: you plant fields of wheat, then in the morning, there's a bloody bleedin intricate crop circle. POOF - there goes your wheat. They just show up, they do, then they start lounging about, encouraging people. Because with the crop circles come the dowsers, the new age people, the press, and 20 people telling people that the crop circle they're standing in doesn't exist. There's less wheat than if everything ran off into the sea.

A: My last crop circle was on the news. I couldn't get a tractor up there for a solid week.

B: Maybe we should complain.

A: Oo you gonna complain to?

B: Ministry of Crop Circles?

A: nah, they closed up last year, along with the Ministry of Refrigerator Size, in the big NHS cutback.

B: what do they mean?

A: The Ministry of Crop Circles?

B: No, the crop circles.

A: some say they're a hoax. some say they're aliens, leaving us a message.

B: you know, it would be a lot more cost effective if they didn't leave it in our wheat.

A: Ay. And a lot more efficient if they just spelled it out in letters, rather than this vague circle nonsense. Better yet, they could just talk to Boris, or someone intelligent.

B: yeah, this Vague Routine is wearing thin.

A: It makes one quite discouraged, especially the farmers.

B: I've got an idea.

A: what?

B: we could plant monkeys.

Toyota is recalling some of its cars, due to their unfortunate habit of catching fire, sometimes while parked. If you remember, Tesla was having this problem recently. Rather than be public about this, I believe the car companies should keep this quiet. If not, pretty soon, all the car companies will feature exploding vehicles. Ford, Chevy, Nissan will all have to get their explosive chops up to speed. They will have to start hiring munitions and demolitions experts, which will do wonders for the economy, as there has been little work for them during the Flying AIDS pandemic. I'm happy to say Hyundai is on the ball.. the other day I got a recall notice because my car does not spontaneously combust. They want to do a retrofit, so we'll have that feature. And it's all free. This is the Korean-American spirit: if you can't beat 'em, make a bigger fire.

I hate to say something positive on this blog...  it kinda kills the atmosphere... but I calls em as I sees em...  We have had 2 major disruptions in payment systems recently: 1 with the major clearing bank for all transfers, and 1 with an outage for a payment processor. Both were serious. The processor outage affected Chik Filet, among others. Not flinching, Chik Filet served free food. If they were only open Sundays...

Chik Filet is where the employees come rushing out to meet Penny when Mrs. lefty is in the car line. I like their food. And now I'm hungry....

SJW SPUNK

School districts are canceling Dr Seuss for "racial undertones"

BURN THEM! BURN THEM! 

Analytics vendor Splunk has followed up on its 2020 decision to stop using the terms “master” and “slave” with a new guide to writing “unbiased documentation”.