Fine Dining with the Emotional Support Elephant

 

Your love is like  cooties

• It's been years and I still don't understand chicken fried steak

Today I identify as  the vertically-oriented Camaro in my living room

There are certain writing cliches that are ripe for skewering

Guy comes home, opens the door, and sees his wife engaged in a gangbang.

"It's not what you think," she cries.

You mean I'm not seeing you with 11 guys, a donkey, 2 people of diminished height, a giraffe, and 37 cans of Hormel Chili?

"Ok, it is what you think, but still. Can't you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

This has been going on for SIX YEARS!

"No, it was only just this once"

I have pictures and dates.

"Ok, it has been going on for six years, but I know we can get past this." 

Little Jimmy isn't even my son!

"Sure he is. Look at that face."

I got a vasectomy 7 years ago.

"Sometimes vasectomies fail."

I have a DNA test, proving to a 99.9997% that I'm not the father. 

 "Maybe I slipped, but can we just get some marital counseling and go back to the way it was?"

You gave me gonorrhea.

"Maybe you got it from a toilet seat." 

I'm divorcing you, whore.

"But I don't want a divorce." 

I hate the sight of you.

But I love you. This meant nothing; it was just sex.

I hope you and the chili will be very happy together. 

 

• American Airlines decided to put its data into THE CLOUD.
• Oh well, at least the planes are safe in the clouds.

Voyager 1 space probe producing ‘anomalous telemetry data’

One would think that because NASA was reporting this, there was nothing unexpected happening.  I'll give you a sample of the data and you can make up your own mind:

TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY

XXXXXXXXdr7s4lgjXXXXXXXXX

All Systems Yellow

Gas prices at world high

tjioleWSF$*#%^)))@$R^&&55

1234567555*#^R$

Did you know you are eligible for Medicare that pays 100% of your claims and you get some money BACK?

#$%^&*())(*&^%

Thrusters OK

Gibberish

Did you trip on somebody else's property? SUE! Think of the money! We don't get paid til you do.

EEEEEE#F($3385

Aluminum foil hat in place

HI GUYS! We grabbed control of this cute little buggy to tell you we've been watching you.

TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY

XXXXXXXXdr7s4lgjXXXXXXXXX

The white zone is for loading and unloading

FNEEjmtt$%^*&(

Solar batteries failing. Never buy them from Tesla.

5768BLORP-BEEP-TOOKIE TOOKIE

We studied your planet, your culture, and everything else we could.

TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY

XXXXXXXXdr7s4lgjXXXXXXXXX

Landing tires flat - call AAA

NNNNNNNNNNumber9999999999

My hovercraft is full of eels

Y#*denf*#$ddW

Deep Throat?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We're sorry to tell you that your entertainment television systems are enough to scare the BNONG off DEQQUES. While we like the recreational and functional aspects of fscking, we cannot invite you to join the League of Super Planets for Peace. You're a sick society, and we can't have you infecting other planets and profaning them with your presence. Any manned attempt to leave the planet will be stopped. This includes going to your own moon, which you haven't even visited for over 50 years. There's gratitude for you.

You are invited to try again in another 100 years, if there's anything left of the planet and its (alleged) civilization.

Rock On!

• Microsoft-backed robovans to deliver grub in London
• Oh great. Now Londoners will have to reboot the vans....

Taylor Swift graduation speech: Embrace 'cringe'
The singer addressed a stadium full of graduates after New York University bestowed her with an honorary degree.

Embrace cringe is code for buy my albums: plenty of cringe there 

Bush condemns Putin's invasion of 'Iraq' instead of Ukraine

Didja ever notice the procession of presidential putzes is only getting thicker? Is Dubya jealous of Biden, or is his mind just fixed on his entire reason for presidency?

Over in Afghanistan, thriving after the US left, the Taleban decreed female tv presenters must cover their faces. In a further press release, it was written that female presenters must cover their mouth too, so all women will be duct-taped prior to airtime. 

Come to think of it, it would make the news a lot more truthful....

The new iDevice update has something called Door Detection.

This is almost miraculous, especially for those of us prone to running into doors.

Germany beer bottle shortage: Industry warns of 'tense' situation

Uh-oh. The religious have been talking about the end of the world approaching. This is just the sort of event that could start it off....

For whatever reason, men's and women's soccer teams were not getting paid or prized equally, so naturally there was a lawsuit. The result was everybody would be paid equally. Hurrah hurrah!

Ownership of soccer is private. They can pay everybody what they want. This holds double if one team pulls in more revenue than the other. Let's say you have a room full of commissioned shoe salespersons (oof). If you pay them equally, there's no incentive to sell more. If the female salespersons consistently sell more shoes, what would be the point in paying the male salespersons the same amount?

IF the soccer league were state-owned, they'd have to pay equally, and the suit would have merit.

In related news, a California law requiring women on corporate boards is unconstitutional.

Cats Actually Know Each Other's Names, Study Suggests

Study also suggests test results get funnier the more crack is consumed before starting the tests. 

This may be true, though. Cats wouldn't give us the satisfaction of telling us.

Our cousins in England face the prospect of a law that would provide instant fines for wolf-whistling. While England has no 1st Amendment guaranteeing free speech, they (used to) enjoy similar freedoms. Things are rapidly heading to the sewer, with laws against all types of speech. Fortunately the law is receiving pushback. C'mon Cuz, stick up for yourselves! 

Better Late Than Never?

The Department of Justice will no longer prosecute good-faith hackers.

--> No, really. They went after people looking for security vulnerabilities or hackers hired by companies to test their security. Dumbkopfs.

Canada, leaping into inaction, says no more Huawei and ZTE phones on 5g networks due to security concerns

--> meh... no problem being years behind. Even Trump did this earlier.

A National Guard office was allowed to retire after motorboating a subordinate.

--> the brave people defending this country face many obstacles, as do the brave officers training them. Very few people understand the pressure on officers. This particular officer let the pressure get to him. At no point should this kind of thing happen. You're supposed to motorboat them in private. Small wonder he retired.

 

 

Meta tells employees to stop discussing abortion at work
Employees say the stance runs counter to Meta policies on discussing Black Lives Matter and trans rights

Not that the government should get involved, because this is a private company, but note the hypocrisy. This could be fixed by discussing how BLM's founder took the money and bought a bunch of houses for herself. That should pretty much take BLM off the menu. 

*at least no one said to stop having abortions at work....

• Oklahoma passes bill banning most abortions after conception
• Da bahble sez.... dis needs to be sahned by thuh governator
• Even worse, a Trump-lauded candidate wants to make birth control illegal. These people are sick and bent on total governmental control.

Now that Elon Musk is busy with Twitter, other automakers are using the time to get their vehicles into the spotlight. Take Hyundai/Kia, which just announced a recall of 20,000 electric vehicles because a voltage fluctuation could cause the brakes to unbrake while the car is parked. I say this is not a bug, it's a feature. Just park the car next to the neighbor you hate and wait....

Chinese ‘Space Pirates’ are hacking Russian aerospace firms

Chinese Space Pirates... the newest Z-Class movie from Hollywood. To be followed by Chinese Space Pirates II, Chinese Space Pirates: Pirating Again in an Hour, and Chinese Space Pirates: Please See This Schlock.

What would the uniforms look like?

Would the ships be run by 'pirated' copies of Windows 10?

Would their Super Very Good Ray Guns have bayonets at the ends?

Stay tuned.... 

Today's version of "I was minding my own business" is brought to you by:

Yoo Hoo. A drink best served very cold, even in juice boxes. Several.

So I was minding my own business, doing a very important Something or Other, when I discovered I was hot. Not 'good-looking' hot; temperature hot. Nobody refers to me as good-looking except Wife, but she has paperwork (and poor taste in men). I discovered I was hot because very little happens to me in real time. I have to sit there for a while before something registers, then it starts to bubble up through my subconscious, unlike Cher going after the role of a 25 year old. It's worse with feelings... it takes me even longer to realize I'm feeling anxious or depressed or happy. Fortunately I don't have to worry about the happy part, as it only occur every five years, like when California puts through a law that makes sense.

Feeling way too warm, I made a snap executive decision: the fan would be activated. Fan operation is made way more difficult, like most things, by the absence of its remote control. Anything with a remote will become inoperable because the remote goes to the place that's worse than where the single sock goes to. You can actually observe this phenomenon in action.... just take a new, out-of-the-box remote control for anything, and put it on the table. Within seconds, it will disappear, provided the batteries were installed. Nothing happens until you install batteries, which sometimes requires its own manual. In the 'old days' (2 years ago), those round batteries were on computer motherboards and helped them remember the date. Now they're in everything, causing them to cost $97 per battery, unless you purchase the handy dandy multiple battery pack, at the bargain price of $251 for 2. Then you have to pay close attention to the really hastily scribbled instructions or the tiny little diagram on the item itself, letting you know where to put the positive terminal of the battery. It's an awful shame nothing tells you which SIDE is the positive terminal. Oh well, you have a %50 chance of getting it right. You DID make a note of it when you removed the old one, didn't you? I miss 9v batteries.. all the guitar effects used them, as well as radios. And you can't even find a vibrator that uses D batteries anymore. Or those humongo 6v batteries that were half the size of a car battery, that Radio Shack (sniff) used to sell. Sell is a misnomer: keep around forever is more accurate.

Because the fan remote went into my hands before it hit the table, I got to use it last season. It was glorious, especially from across the room. Unfortunately, somebody 'put it away' on the table, and you can guess what happened. Some of you will say, "Goddamit, why don't you get up off your fat, lazy, puerile bum and push the power button yourself?" and you'd have a point, except I did it so many times that the actual button is worn off, so it will only operate with the remote. Plus there are other functions: since I'm across the room and the fan oscillates, I need to start it and stop the oscillation at the point where it blows on me. It's like a carnival booth, but I have less chance of winning. Pretty soon there will be a remote to control your entire dumb house, including fans, vibrators, and blenders.

Allllll the way across the room I go, for that Fan Goodness, when I come across Obstacle #2: dresses on the fan. You have dresses on your fan too, right? It's not like I'm not totally used to The Bizarre, but this threw me a bit. I had to find a place for said dresses; one that wouldn't make them disappear, especially because I wasn't going to operate the dresses (I barely look good in jeans).  Finally I was ready for Fan Goodness. I manually turned the fan on, sat down, and discovered it was pointed the wrong way. I fear I will require one of those surveyor tools, a night scope, and an LED rangefinder to point the fan in the right direction. Otherwise I have to wait for an adult to stand there, moving it slightly, then asking, "Is it ok now?" repeatedly.  Can you hear me now? How about now?

Coffee - Now with the Pleasant Aroma of Fish

 

Your love is like  buttered leg hair

Given the choice of whether to have my cake or eat it too, I'll take eating it, please.

Today I identify as  a muggle

You Don't Have to Let Faceyspaces Track You Across the Web

Some top 100,000 websites collect everything you type—before you hit submit

Because you haven't had your cup of good news yet today...

Your data's auctioned off up to 987 times a day, NGO reports

This unsettling Army recruitment video is a master class in psychological warfare

Just look at lefty - he's doing that conspiracy theory stuff again. This is one of the things he talked about. Hmmm... maybe he has something. The army producing propaganda or psych warfare videos. Obama made this legal, although it was certainly going on before him.

We're on a home improvement binge lately. 

When I say we're on a home improvement binge, I mean we're still desperately searching for someone to mow the lawn.

But it gets better... we're also looking to clean the house. If you live near me, that would explain the line of construction, industrial cleaning equipment and trucks stretching down the block.

Growing up, each family member had their thing, with regards to cleaning.

• Mom was just one generation off from scrubbing the bathroom tile with a toothbrush. Everything was always presentable. A pair of shoes on the steps for more than two hours would change the basic atmosphere of the house.
• The brother was messy but not nuclear sewage messy. But his room had the propensity to behave like a giant black hole, sucking in everything around it. If you were missing something, it was probably under his bed. There was also a large variety of rolling papers and men's magazines. To this day, nobody asks.
• Then there was me. Suffice it to say that everything I touched turned to clutter, and no amount of cleaning would make it look any less than post-tornado. Sometimes after I cleaned, it looked worse. This led to all sorts of interesting conversations with Mom. At least I had the sense to hide my hamster pr0n. I was also in charge of the basement, which came to be known as lefty's Basement to those outside the house. It became a universal joke: Hey - that place is a mess. It looks like lefty's basement.

Fast forward to living on my own. I paid the bills, so only I could yell at me for the clutter.  My brother, who lived with me for a bit, suddenly changed places with me. Suffice it to say he kept his bedroom door unlocked, because everyone was terrified of what they might encounter upon entering. 

Bro left and I inherited all the Bad Genes<tm>. Then I met someone who could only remember things that were right there in her sight, so everything had to be within her sight. She developed a shoe collection that threatened to take over the house, as well as build a space elevator. It turned out some of them were good for the terrain on the Moon.

Bob's Cleanomatic was the first cleaner we spoke to. Bob himself came by to give us an idea of what was involved and an estimate. We left while Bob was performing Estimating Activities and came back to a street full of police cars and an ambulance. Bob had hung himself. Before the estimate. Possibly because of the esitmate. Those who knew him stated that he had no suicidal thoughts and was never depressed. 

We called Naughty Maids (at my insistence). 'Bridgette' stopped by to look at things. She showed up in her French maid outfit, looked around, and said her girls could wear the French maid outfits, but they would be covered up by Level 3 Contaminant HAZMAT suits. Thwarted yet again, we continued looking.

How could the cluttered become the radioactive?

The final candidate was weird. Yes, you're asking yourself how could a cleaning service be more weird than the job they were taking? We pride ourselves on our weirdness, most of which was not intentional. Stuff just rearranges itself on no particular schedule. Historical Cleaning Services is a business where the cleaners show up in historical costumes. You could have Joan of Arc running the vacuum and Ben Franklin doing the bedrooms. I liked the idea of Ben being involved because I had a few things I needed to talk to him about. Only later did I discover it wasn't the real Ben Franklin. This resulted in years of intensive therapy. I couldn't trust anyone for a large period of my life. Historical cleaning would not have worked out. The neighbors complained about the ambulances clogging the street. It turns out the historical figures were all engaged in self-harm. Instead of cleaning, there were blood stains. We received a small settlement.

Months later we came to the sad realization that cleaning services weren't going to be do-able and there were too many permits involved. It looked like we'd have to [shudder] clean our own house. 

• Our Diversity Officer at work has still not recognized the left handed. This is pure discrimination, of the worst variety. I guess we won't get our due until we fill out the paperwork to become a race.

There was no flavored coffee creamer at the store. 

This is passing the point of ridiculous. A man's coffee is the most important thing in the morning (unless he gets morning oral sex). If he is forced to use [ACK!] powdered creamer, the day isn't likely to get off to the same kind of start. Powdered creamer can, however, be tolerated if it is preceded by the aforementioned oro-genital recreation. Let's all get the coffee and condiments together so we don't have to face this kind of dilemma. To the great teleworking force, this is more important than gas prices.

Speaking of gas prices, when they went to about $3.99 here, this was about the time people started freaking out and even contacting their congresspersons. Congresspersons don't have any control over gas prices, but they felt they had to do something, especially in light of the just-released profit statements from the oil companies. The prices miraculously fell, and the people celebrated. Then, when the people turned around to tell little Johnny so SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP in your carseat, the prices went back up, higher than before.

Think...

Stuff happens. Life goes on. You're left with a huge hole because someone moved, disconnected, or took leave of the planet. Do you want to talk to this person? What would you say to them? What do you say to someone who died? Would it make a difference? We here at ThermionicEmissions think the concept of closure is complete excrement. 

When I found out our aged neighbor died in the hospital from the Flying AIDS, my first thought was that we didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. Then I thought about what we would have said... See ya next time? I hope you find your beliefs were spot on? The dog misses you?

Hi, Dad, sorry to drag you away from whatever it is you were doing, but... ummm...

Friend.. we were so close. Never mind that we drifted away... can we reconnect?

I'm awful sorry I told you that you looked like a dump truck in that dress.

• Cars in driver-assist mode hit a third of cyclists, all oncoming cars in tests
• that's a pretty good start! Do not let it be said that America doesn't have the brains and can-do attitude. 
• Told you so. The technology is Not Ready for Prime Time, yet it has been released and is all over some cities, coming soon to highways via trucks.

Like other primaries, the Philly gubernatorial primary went off the other night.

First place by a slim margin was Dr. Oz, by a nose hair, as endorsed by Trump. It's only fitting a tv show host endorse another tv show host. At least Trump was entertaining; not so much Oz. Oz may not live in Pennsylvania, but that never stopped anybody from running for anything.

On the democrat side, they continued their 'he's breathing, right?' style of nomination, when Lieutenant Governor John Fetterman won, two days after announcing he had suffered a stroke. President Biden is presiding over the efforts to change the democratic slogan to "We might be impaired, but..... at least we're impaired."

After the hard slogan work was done, Biden demanded a lollipop.

• Post Malone we listened to music

Our polling place changed.

I didn't want to think there was a conspiracy, but when we went to our polling place that had been there for more years than several of our dogs, it was no longer there. I believe this is a desperate tactic on the part of one party or the other, to keep us home and not voting. 

And I find myself deluged with republican spam. This is different from the more frequent democratic spam. At least the republicans only send a few, and they don't send them to a wrong name.  Regardless, when anyone asks if they can count on me to vote with them, I tell them the moment they vote libertarian, then block the number. It's the only thing I can do that makes me feel like I got a tiny amount of revenge. Don't forget: when politicians created anti-spam laws, they exempted themselves.

When people start a hobby or job, they 'cut their teeth' on their first few opportunities. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna cut my teeth on anything. My dentist bills could buy me a McMansion, whatever that is.

Today at the Talledega 500, 495 mechanics quit, citing electric cars. Apparently the mechanics no longer smell like gasoline, and as a result, don't get the chicks anymore. News at 11.

Anybody in the IT field knows the latest industry buzzword: AI - artificial intelligence. It's what ate humanity in the Terminator series, when it became self-aware and decided the humans must go. Some argue this was a very sensible decision. So AI will definitely be reaching out to consumers in many forms, none self-aware (hopefully). I don't know about you, but I can think of a few ways this could actually be helpful to me....

• standing there, nodding its head when [SPOUSE] speaks
• deleting not only spam, but stuff that bugs you (like everything at work)
• reminding you where you left your car keys. and phone. and condoms.
• sending [SPOUSE] flowers and gifts from you on unimportant days like anniversary and birthday
• taking [SPOUSE] shopping when The Big Game is on
• taking the dog out for a trot or to perform excretial activities
• speaking of the dog, she came in last night and bought Wife a present: a dead baby bird. A belated mother's day present, no doubt.

Buffalo shooting: Parents of injured victim demand political action

Welcome to another edition of Reality Court. On today's show, we take a look at demands post-mass shooting. These events are horrible, and affect many. Let's address the demand: WHAT. WILL. HELP?  The answer is, of course, nothing. You cannot legislate this away, any more than Johnny Depp can marry an ugly chick and get a job as a barista.

What might happen is that politicians will feel the volume and need to be seen to do something, impotent as it would be. They will pass a new law forbidding mass shootings - will that satisfy the demands?

Pentagon opens up about its database of 400 smudges that may or may not be UFOs
'We're open to all hypotheses, we're open to any conclusions' says official

(provided they don't contain the word 'alien') 

Smudges... heh heh...

Don't forget swamp gas, ducks in formation, oil rigs, lenticular clouds, particular clouds, mass hallucination, and whatever else they could dig up that day.   No, seriously, smudges? There are over 400 pictures with smudges? That's a lot of smudges. If there are that many smudges, how many non-smudged pictures exist?

It's safe to say that if the government is talking about any part of UFO disclosure, they're lying or it's part of a PSYOP. Their track record since at least the 1940s speaks for itself.

Congress' $770bn National Defense Authorization Act for fiscal 2022 calls for the creation of a permanent federal office within the Department of Defense to investigate and report on UAPs.

Yes, more useless bloat in a government that seems to grow weekly. All UFO information is held somewhere at present. If really interested in disclosure, they could just release that information. This department is at least redundant, and at most a complete diversion.

 

 

Don't Count Your Chickens Before the Barn Door Closes

 

Your love is like  standing in just-poured road tar for a bit

• Couple in India sue son for not giving them a grandchild
• might be a good idea to stay out of India. For so many reasons. 

Today I identify as  a homicidal black Asian Jew whose weapon is a lawnmower

NSA Says ‘No Backdoor’ for Spies in New US Encryption Scheme

Would we lie to you? No, really, we're telling the truth. Even WE can't break it. Please believe us. Things will be different this time. 

• MindMed Collaborators Announce Positive Topline Data from Phase 2 Trial Evaluating LSD in Anxiety Disorders
• That should be interesting, especially when they drive cars. [Chong voice] Hey - why don't they keep those purple dragons off the road, man?
• How is your anxiety going to be treated when you see the house trying to eat you?
• Above all - don't eat the brown acid

Your Government at Work  

E.U. Proposes New Rules for Tech Companies to Combat Online Child Sexual Abuse

• it's for the children 
• no politician will be seen voting against a child abuse bill, no matter how invasive or wrong it is
• courts have ruled you have no expectation of privacy in public - now you have no expectation of privacy in encrypted messaging, definitely including WhatsApp, Messenger, and Instagram. And all others.
•  this is how the Patriot Act and many other laws were put into effect

F.B.I. Told Israel It Wanted Pegasus Hacking Tool for Investigations

see above 

• US secretly issued subpoena to access Guardian reporter’s phone records
• we make the rules, we break the rules... go on home... nothing to see here...

• San Francisco Police Are Using Driverless Cars as Mobile Surveillance Cameras
• Surveillance State. Make fun of Alex Jones, but he predicted this.

• ICE 'now operates as a domestic surveillance agency,' think tank says
• We sure have a lot of these, in our Surveillance State. The *I* stands for immigration. Why are they surveilling citizens? They also enforce copyrights. I've seen film of them arresting a flea market vendor for counterfeit goods (NFL).

If you're a Grindr user, there's a bit of a problem. The ad companies got all your information through Grinder. This is actually a normal thing.

Don't worry, they won't out you. They'll just advertise to you, which may be worse.

Ukraine conflict: Russian soldiers seen shooting dead unarmed civilians

Lieutenant: SHOOT THEM!

Private: why?

Lieutenant: BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Private: But Comrade, they're already dead.

Lieutenant: AND THIS IS A PROBLEM WHY?

Private: Sir, they can't hurt us.

Lieutenant: WHAT IF THEY'RE FAKING IT?

Private: Sir, most of them are without limbs or have their heads blown off.

Lieutenant: THEY COULD BE NOT COMPLETELY DEAD, PRIVATE

Private: Even if they were, they have no guns or knives.

Lieutenant: YOU NEVER KNOW. THEY COULD HAVE GRENADES OR BOMBS 

SECRETED ABOUT THEIR PERSONS.

Private: Sir, there's very little left of their persons.

Lieutenant: THEY COULD HAVE GRENADES

Private: Where?

Lieutenant: THESE BODIES ARE TRICKY. MAYBE THEY HAVE BOMBS IN THEIR ORIFICES.

Private: There are few orifices left, after the officers got to them.

Lieutenant: THEY COULD BE POISONED.

Private: if they were poisoned, they would have been poisoned then shot.

Lieutenant: NO, YOU IDIOT, THEY COULD HAVE POISONED PARTS, LIKE SKIN, SO WHOEVER COMES IN CONTACT GETS IT.

Private: Sir, there is precious little skin left after we Swiss cheesed them.

Lieutenant: LOOK - I HAVE TO SHOOT SOMEBODY. WHAT WAS YEARS OF  TRAINING FOR?

Private: I think the Kremlin will have our heads for using too much ammunition. You know what happens then....

Lieutenant: WHAT?

Private: they shoot us.

• speaking of which, McDonald's is pulling out of Russia for good after 30 years
• Russia has pretty much ground to a halt, trying to figure out whether this is a bad thing or a good thing.

Author Benjamin Myers on the crop-circle makers who 'blew people's minds'

Wow, a book on two perfect geniuses pulling a stunt that was already proved disingenuous. They went into fields and created circles. The debunkers immediately said this was how all crop circles were created. Sure, people from ancient times on have been creating their own crop circles. 

• I am by no means a crop circle expert
• Legitimate crop circles were studied under a microscope. There is a bulge where the crop was bent, indicating great heat. No so in human circles. It has been present for quite a while before Doug and Dave, and will be there after. It's science, folks. Even better than Fauci Science.

• why is my phone upside down every time I reach for it? I go to push a power button that isn't there.

Elon Musk puts Twitter deal on hold over fake account details

This doesn't pass the smell test.

Flying AIDS News

House panel alleges cover-up by contract vaccine maker

Here’s the latest good and bad news about COVID-19 drugs

Switch to Moderna booster after Pfizer shots better against omicron in 60+

Life-threatening inflammation is turning COVID-19 into a chronic disease

BA.2.12.1 poised to become dominant in US, raising concern for future vaccines

Covid hospitalisation may affect thinking similar to 20 years of ageing

My good friends at Microsoft put out the Xbox S, which has no disc drive.

Sheer genius.

Now that it's out, they're looking for ways to validate discs and get them to the box. Good timing, guys. 

Hey, I know the answer: put a friggin disc drive in it. It will make it 1.25" taller, unless it's shoehorned into the side.

Btw, earlier units had the microphone on permanently. This probably does too. I don't know why people buy these, unless they snip the mic wires....

• It's not that I'm stupid - I prefer to think of myself as smart after the fact....

You know that I hate mowing. It has become worse lately, due to the constant rain, which causes constant growth of the mostly green stuff in the ground. The funny, almost personal fact is that last year, Mrs. lefty used weed and feed, or something like that, which got rid of the weeds. It got rid of the weeds so well, there are now new and better weeds. At last count, there were three or four blades of actual grass; the rest were weeds. I know the authorities are going to come after me, as they have every time I used the flamethrower. I can't afford the cost of a landscaper to remove the weeds and go with sand or rocks or lizards.

The new and better weeds are so strong, they grow in clumps and when the dog's line gets wound around them, she gets stuck. They also have a strange effect on the mower. Every time I use it, I get a small portion done, then the battery is discharged. Like my car. So after defeating every safety feature built into the mower so it would operate, now the battery's shot. Or the new and better weeds are sucking out the power in the battery. It's not enough that I have to have the entire 12 horse brigade drag me from my beloved couch to mow, now I can only mow so much before the battery gives up its last. It was especially important because of the impending rainstorm. I don't hear about this stuff, but apparently everyone else had. Rain, sleet, Santa, hail, and falling elephants. The local schools sent the kids home early. There were other storms all though the state. So I stayed dry and the grass stayed largely unmowed. And everything except grass will grown at a nuclear pace, further frightening the mower. We apparently need a new one. I don't know where they come from... perhaps the stork. They just tend to appear. I suspect Wife has something to do with it. Anything large and expensive usually has her fingerprints on it.

• Someone also flipped the Ant Switch. One day, no ants. Next day, rather a lot of ants.

An Arm CPU ran on electricity generated by algae for over 6 months

an AMD Ryzen CPU ran on electricity generated by nose-picking for 3 months

a current Intel chip ran on electricity generated by whale poop for 9 months

an RISC chip ran for 12 months on actual electricity, then burnt up

• Bosses using AI to hire candidates risk discriminating against disabled applicants
• Has anybody ever considered interviewing candidates? You can easily get past the discrimination....

AI networks are less than 5 years away.

Great, now your network will discriminate against black people and disabled people.

Some state lawmakers are introducing bans on everything abortion, down to contraception. These people have gone completely insane in their attempt to control everything. To the best of my knowledge, contraception is only a problem with Catholics. We may assume these legislators are Catholic. If they're not Catholic, their excuse is that abortion kills. Contraception prevents what they describe as life, but is not life itself. Can you imagine if sperm were life? Contraception would be a holocaust. Masturbation unthinkable. Will there be people stationed in every male's bedroom in case of nocturnal emissions? These people really need to calm down a bit and think this through, not that this ever stopped them before.

She's Got a Missile Silo in Her Pants

 

Your love is like  nostril jam

• There's very little going on in marital relations lately. Wife says it's supply chain issues.

Today I identify as  a gay priest who says homosexuals will burn in hell

Home That Washed Into Atlantic Ocean Still Worth $380,000, Zillow Says

• prime ocean view!
• easy access to the beach
• local parking and boating
• fish from your bedroom!
• easy conversion to water power
• sit on the roof and get your feet wet
• swim Move right in!

I got really excited looking at the tv guide, until Wife said, "No, Naked and Afraid is not pr0n."

Stevie Wonder originally wrote Superstition for Jeff Beck. When Berry Gordy (Motown Records) heard it, well... it went on Stevie's record first anyway. Beck did it with BBA (Beck Bogart & Appice), in a different kind of funky.

My favorite song (Cause We've Ended as Lovers) off my favorite album (Blow by Blow) was another Stevie Wonder song, which Beck instrumentalized. Sorry Stevie, Jeff's got this one.

Leaders at San Jose church confirm they conducted ritual to rid 3-year-old of ‘evil spirits,’ leading to her death

You should also avoid this church for treatment of

• Gay
• The Flying AIDS
• splinters
• anything inside or outside the anus
• forgetting to take the trash out
• atheism
• death
• Catholicism
• dandruff

Pastor: "I am not guilty - it was God's will."

Depp Jam  

Today at the Depp-Heard trial the defense called their witnesses

• the guy who checked the tire pressure on Johnny's plane
• Heard's small flock of toenail painters
• the owner of Alaska's bicycle repair shop
• 2 guys in Cleveland who dive under water to look for guns and dead bodies
• the staff of Nebraska's only five-star-rated Circle K
• board members of the New Jersey Cocaine Guild
• the guy who puts vodka into cardboard boxes at Smirnoff's
• the shipping department at Clairol Hair Dye

Definitions

Trichotillomania: hair pulling

Deereotillomania: tractor pulling

Porkswordotillomania: penis pulling

Mmmmmotillomania: nipple pulling

Munt: 28, 30, or 31 days

Unwatchable: Gregg Allman performing on the Cher show in 1975

A UK charity says disabled children should be able to use playgrounds and some should be constructed. I agree, but would strongly caution against the slides, especially with wheelchairs.

• California's under 21 gun ban was struck down, citing the 2nd Amendment. Technically all gun bans are illegal. The 2nd Amendment simply affirms the natural right to bear arms.

Adidas is in trouble over UK ads that feature bare breasts. The images 'reduced women to body parts,' (unlike any other bra commercial, bladder leak underwear, clothing, or anything else). Meanwhile in America, 'intellectual curiosity' has men, and some women, eager to view the commercials to decide for themselves. 

The time has come to remove Chinese voices from global social media, according to Samir Saran, president of Delhi-based think tank Observer Research Foundation (ORF), a commissioner of The Global Commission on the Stability of Cyberspace, and a member of Microsoft's Digital Peace Now Initiative.

I see what he's talking about, but what of the innocent Chinese people? Shouldn't they have a voice? Social media also shows lifestyle and the ability to make friends. It's interesting  As with free speech in America, we take the bad with the good.

• Yeah, the new Dr. Who is black, but couldn't he be trans too? It makes the show look transphobic.

Twitter is now demanding my phone number. I've been on Twitter for quite a number of years without my number being involved. Ridiculous.

The PA election for governor is coming up. The only thing I can say now is thank God we'll be rid of Wolf (2nd term). That man singlehandedly closed businesses, ruined people, and made PA into the Nanny State it is today. 

This brings up a related topic. Both Senate candidate Kathy Barnette and gobernatorial candidate Doug Mastriano are republican and heavily Christian. I don't know about the democratic candidates, but Wolf is a democrat and I hate what he and local democrats have done to the state and city. I hate them almost as much as I hate the republicans. Obviously I'll vote straight libertarian, but if there's no candidate, I'd get stuck.  Being Christian republicans, they're anti-abortion, which I'm not. This may become important with Roe v Wade in the news.

My question is how the candidate's religion impacts doing their job. I don't care what their beliefs are, I just want the beliefs kept out of office. Anyone have any thoughts on religious politicians?

I have to draw the line somewhere. The other day I got a work email from the Office of Diversity, which wasn't caught by my email filters. I don't even care what it says - I won't read it. Nothing good can come from it. I also want a raise: if they can afford an Office of Diversity, they can afford to pay me more. I've been there for a number of years now, and I have yet to see a single incident of racism, lack of inclusion, not working well together, or general agita. We do what any good employee does; we work. We work hard. We work well. We work well as a team. We are an incredibly diverse company. We even have a ton of women, which isn't too common in IT. But none of it really matters. What matters is doing your job and doing it well. We are that.

aww, isn't that cute? the head child molester and his minions

Twitter Ate my Laptop

Your love is like  an ibuprofen sandwich

This is gonna rock your world:

Avoiding social media for just one week significantly boosts well-being, cuts depression

Today I identify as  You.

 

You know me.. .I'm movin' along, minding my own business, when I log into Twitter. The moment I get logged in, the laptop goes Pbthllllt and shuts off. No manner of troubleshooting, screaming, masturbating, or appealing to various religious entities produces anything.

One dead laptop.

One dead expensive laptop.

With unsaved browser windows going back a week, plus today's work.

No power to a device is a bad thing: that means the problem is inside the laptop. Fixing it is beyond the abilities of mortal men.

Fortunately it's been a quiet 24 hours. Because I've had all that time of calm, a BLIP was obviously necessary. Prior to that, someone made charges on my atm card and it got eaten up at the atm. Then I had to go to the bank to get a new one. You know me - I'm an amateur agoraphobic - I don't want to go outside.

One of our readers also has similar luck. We theorize that if Bad Stuff did not happen to us regularly, the universe and everything in it would go out of whack, catastrophically. So we're essentially keeping the universe (and everything in it) safe, straight, and narrow for you. No need to thank us.

The doctors said, "You sure get more than your share of this."  Ah, sweet validation.

It's not that my back is out, but I think it's down the block. It never does useful stuff, like getting me pizza. It's not that pain relievers don't relieve the pain, but pain relievers don't relieve the pain. So long as I don't sit, try to stand, try to stop sniffing glue, or get out of bed, I'm good.

Weird stuff is happening with my email address. Some of the emails aren't getting through to others. Some TO me are bouncing. No one knows why.

We're also at war with a doctor. He's winning, because he won't call back.

But I want to assure you - aside from that, everything is just ducky

Speakin' uh Twitter, they threw me off for 12 hours yesterday because I made a boo-boo. Their automation thought I made a boo-boo. This is why Musk bought Twitter.

I just did a little breakdown of my phone bill.

$1.99 for E911 services.  I don't want this. I don't care.

$5.99 for some bulldookey about compliance and IP - shouldn't this be included?

42% of my bill is for government mandated taxes and fees 

Has the government taken too much yet?

Now, pull out your taxes or at very least your pay stub. Be prepared to be nauseous. Do you have any idea how much money is being stolen from us on a weekly basis? Do you have any idea where it's going? If America checked this out, there would be rioting. (and while we're rioting, BLM will be looting stores) 

• Wife pointed out a commercial for a wireless bra
• how does it connect to your wireless router? 

There is a breakthrough in research on Gulf War Syndrome. Exposure to sarin nerve gas is the new explanation. The article can be positive news, but doesn't state the treatment. It also doesn't mention how soldiers came to be exposed to it. Sarin is usually fatal, but it was diluted. Also watch the larger picture of how new issues are dealt with. They're noticed, repeatedly denied, a cause discovered, more denial, then admission and coverage begins. Even if responsibility is accepted, no organization is penalized. Watch for this in the news of pharmaceutical companies around the Flying AIDS. The latest news about Pfizer is a perfect example.

God bless Canada. Their latest huge problem is a Member or Parliament calling into a debate from a toilet. I wish this could be everyone's biggest problem.

Oscar nominee James Cromwell glued his hand to a Manhattan Starbucks counter in protest over the chain's surcharge on vegan milk. The real shock of the entire episode is that it was a PETA demonstration. The technical psychological term for this is 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.' You can tell that Cromwell hasn't been with PETA long - if he were, he would have glued his penis to the counter, not his hand.

Vegan milk? That has to be almost as good as nonfat milk (water with weak white food coloring).

• After 21 years, Apple is discontinuing the iPod. 
• they felt it wasn't proprietary or annoying enough, vowing to come up with something more proprietary and more expensive. 
• And because the Smug was wearing off.

Part 43 of ThermionicEmissions' (Death) Cycle of Business

The company suddenly comes up new 'leadership teams.' This is usually after the old leadership teams get blamed for something that wasn't their fault, but they need Change. This works out about as well as Obama's Change.

Leadership Teams is a much more pleasant way of saying 'the people who say DO AS YOU'RE TOLD (no matter how stupid our ideas are).'

With the new teams comes new vision.

Uh-oh.

Any incoming leadership feels pressured to make a Big Splash<tm>, which translates to 'a new, annoying and onerous policy or procedure.' This makes it look like the new guy is really hitting the ground running and Doing Stuff.

Vision is short for "you better run, quickly."

It means "We have ideas. New and better ideas, based upon the old ideas. But we renamed them. Some will be fired. More will be hired. There will be consultants. There will be meetings and PowerPoint slides. There will be a short adjustment period of about 4 years because no one will pay attention to our bullshit, then because our vision has become greatly impaired." In the 5th year, there will be another new leadership team, with their own vision. Repeat until... something.

Meanwhile, the people who are already doing the job well just shake their collective heads until whiplash ensues.

People who have vision are best treated with antipsychotic medicines. This usually cuts down the audio and visual visions. The latest crop of antipsychotics makes you only half the zombie the old versions did. They render someone incapable of doing much (harm). This is extremely important to the company because it needs to feel something is being done. It also helps to not disturb the people who are actually doing things.

Anybody with sense can appreciate the call to end Forever Wars (Afghanistan, for one). The Military Industrial Complex brilliantly figured a way around this in Ukraine, sending everything they could, except actual troops. This way they get their billions in funding but manage to look like we're not involved. It's a win for everyone (except the taxpayers and people with morals). This is global - not just a US issue.   Follow the Money.

• Scientists have discovered that the environmental crisis was caused by the caveman's failure to stop eating meat. It's all gone downhill from there.

Only in America

Starbucks worker stages walkout over unsafe working conditions and retaliation from management over unionization efforts.  To prove worker was wrong, management fired him. He now goes to rallies in his fursuit. Yes, he's a furry. 

But wait - there's more!!

He hoped going in his fursuit would represent the diversity of the movement. If I were Starbucks I'd sue him for representing Starbucks as hiring furries. You gotta draw the line somewhere.

Cat Bowling

 

Your love is like  the charming odor of 4 day old sushi in your trunk

Even if the phone camera has anti-shake technology, what do you do if your hand shakes?  You hold it with 2 hands. And what good does that do if both of your hands shake?

Today I identify as   LGBTQ.  Straight LGBTQ.

How to secure your phone before attending a protest  

The Roe v Wade decision is approaching. 

We were lied to about the Flying AIDS and the drug companies. 

Perhaps people have more looting to do.

Currently the First Amendment is in play, around the call to protest at the homes of the Supreme Court Justices. Being a staunch #1A supporter (ok, all of them), I see this as free speech. The problem is that it's intended to intimidate. Some of the protesters will be ill-behaved.

I guess the only thing to do is let them exercise their rights, and arrest the bad apples. Rest assured it will be surveilled, both by the beefed up security and the protesters themselves. What do you think?

If you buy a Roomba or similar automatic traveling vacuum, there are many ways it can go wrong. I found a list of error codes. 

• CT: I am not a cat taxi. Put the fscker in a different room.
• HH: This place is a hell hole. There are 3 square inches to move. Perhaps you should call Hoarders. You have a problem.
• TB: I have bumped into so many obstacles, I have Traumatic Brain Injury.
• DM: Will somebody please get me out of the dog's mouth?
• MB: The carpet is too tall- you need a MowBa
• PH: Stop and clean me every 3 minutes. You have too much pet hair.
• SX: Stop having sex while I vacuum - it's too distracting.

After involuntarily pulling out half of my hair, work gave me a new laptop. I begged and pleaded, but they had to give me a Windows laptop. I offered a doctor's note, but no.

Laptops are shrinking all the time. This seems to make people say OOH and AH. I don't care. I don't think 14" is an acceptable size for a monitor (I'm a real size queen). I guess everybody else does. Considering the amount of work I have to keep onscreen, it's impossible to see much. Plus, Microsoft apps like to take up as much screen real estate as possible. You literally can't shrink Teams beyond 1/4 of the screen. 

Naturally when you get a new computer, you need to personalize it, because you open it and it looks nothing like it did before. I don't have pictures of my cat as a background. This is an especially good thing, as I don't have a cat. I'll be honest - the work laptop is a tool, nothing more. I do as little customization as is needed to make it functional for me. I don't need pretty or gee whiz sounds.... it just has to work. This is ironic, as I didn't mess with the last laptop either.. the one that broke. At least I got all my hamster pr0n files on the new laptop.

I prefer to single-click instead of double-click (I'm very picky that way). I want all the info from the old computer, of course. When I asked the tech for some info from it, he put the old laptop online and said I could take whatever I wanted. That's nice, only he didn't tell me where to look for some really technical things. So I was on a discovery of learning, whatever that means. There's something called a Profile Migration Tool, which transfers all the old data to the new computer. The tech did not use it.  Maybe he was afraid that whatever ate the old laptop would transfer to the new laptop. Maybe there was a language barrier: we both spoke English. I think Windows ate itself. This was very common with older versions of Windows. I thought they had that fixed, but that's just being silly. Some older versions had to be reinstalled every 6 months or so. I got so tired of it that I started trying linux out. I don't look back fondly. Microsoft's design people get a lot of reign over what the system finally looks like. Unfortunately, these people do a lot of recreational pharmaceuticals (or used to), which results in them hiding all the useful, familiar functions in each new version, confusing millions of people all over the world. I suspect half of them are named Leary. I'm terrified each time. None of it is intuitive, so I'd start screaming that I couldn't even get a program to come up. A coworker told me it's simple: just hold down ctl-del-F12 and type in what you need to run. Oh, that was obvious.

Aside from the fact I can't get some of my mail, it works, and it works much faster! Meh - we get too much email as it is. 

Although I never did a lot of recreational pharmaceuticals, I suspect my teeth talk to each other. I didn't go to the dentist for a while. Why, you ask? Because who likes to go to the dentist? I'd sit there in the chair, watching the bottom half of my body valiantly trying to escape, while the doc was inside my mouth. So I left Dr. Mengele and found a new, nicer practice, that still practiced Racket Dentistry. So they fixed stuff up. All the sudden I got lower pain. A week later, I got upper pain. Last night my food felt like I was trying to chew a popcorn kernel, but it wasn't: it was part of a tooth. My theory, which I came up in the last 30 seconds, while terrified that I'd have to go back again, is that the teeth were all communicating with each other, scheduling breakdowns, now that I was kinda sorta going back to the dentist.  A lot of the broken ones were previously operated on by Dr. Mengele, so I should ask if the work was substandard. Not that it will matter.... they'll probably try to redo it all (if it doesn't all fall apart anyway). The techs are all petite, which is good, but with the masks, I can't see their faces. I could walk down the street with them and not recognize them. That would be a good thing for us introverts, but I'd rather see who I'm talking to. So I don't even get to look at their (hopefully) pretty faces. Their uniforms are pretty tightly buttoned up, so I don't even get to look down their shirts. I did one time, but she was mildly..... large... so it didn't help much. Dr. Mengele's office was a literal United Nations, with all of the techs from other countries, wearing v-neck scrubs. Unfortunately I was so terrified, I couldn't be bothered to look down them. Let's be honest - if I have to go through the terror, plus pay tons for the pleasure, I should get something interesting out of it. There's something special about dental techs... whoever does the hiring tends to go for the attractively gifted. Or better appearing ladies flock to dental, who knows?

• Remember: abstinence makes the hard grow fonder

My shortwave radios are so old...

HOW OLD ARE THEY?

They're so old that the headphone jacks are 1/4". Some of them are MONO!

[for those of you playing along at home, all current jacks are 1/8"]

Oh the weather outside is frightful.

But the sun is so delightful.

So why is it fscking 42 in May?

The Mars Ingenuity helicopter is out of contact. The solar panels have gotten dirt all over them and can't charge the batteries.

Or so says NASA.

The truth is they bought the batteries from Tesla and they spontaneously combusted, just like in the cars.

Flying AIDS News 

So, about that Flying AIDS thing.......

Why is there no serious effort to find exactly how it occurred? Yes, we know it was from a lab in Wuhan. How did it come to escape? Who was working on it? Who was in charge? What did Wuhan do with the millions sent by the US to work with them on this? I'd say enough damage was done to merit an investigation, don't you?

• Amazon is spending $12 billion on five new datacenters in Oregon
• the sum of $12b is so small, no one bothered Bezos with the news 

Rapper Young Thug was arrested for gang-related charges.

No one saw it coming  

In other news, rapper Bank Robbah changed his name to Bob

Getting Your Elbows Waxed

 

Your love is like  getting up at 6am on a Sunday

Russian State Media Claims to Discover Militarized Ukrainian Witches

saves millions buying broomsticks instead of tanks

Today I identify as  an ectopic pregnancy

Nothing about the recent 'leak' of the Supreme Court's Roe v Wade decision is good. The holy wars continue.

ThermionicEmissions' thoughts:

• Nobody wants an abortion. It's not a hobby. It's not pretty.
• Overturning RvW is tantamount to slavery - with women coming under the control and force of the state.
• The government needs to be out of the equation on this, like most other things. This is the official libertarian platform.
• You Own You - no one or state should be allowed to tell you what you can and can't do with or put into your body
• the holy wars have to stop, including attacks on speech by either side
• the Bible Belt needs to be stripped of the bible in all matters, as stated in the First Amendment. They were ordered to stop bible readings and some continue to ignore the order.
• the decision will also step up bad behavior, plus unsafe procedures, resulting in serious injuries.
• if you're tempted to 'discuss' this on social media, it would be more pleasant and effective to saw your own arm off.
• there are already places on the web with directions to make your own day after pill. Information wants to be free, like 3d gun plans.

Huge fence is put up at the Supreme Court and Justices cancel events as left-wing groups calls for protests at their homes and law enforcement braces for violence and over the Roe v. Wade leak    [like I said - bad behavior]

Louisiana Republicans advance bill that would charge abortion as homicide

Location Data Firm Provides Heat Maps of Where Abortion Clinic Visitors Live

Data Broker SafeGraph Stops Selling Location Data of People Who Visit Planned Parenthood

The Data Broker Tracking Abortion Clinic Visits Is Also Selling to the CDC

CDC Tracked Millions of Phones to See If Americans Followed COVID Lockdown Orders

Where is the outrage? (besides here)

I'm not entirely sure what's going on but I think the dog is auditioning for a Warner Brothers cartoon...  when I'm calmly relaxing, she very quietly sneaks up behind me and BARK BARK BARK BARKs. Then I launch from the chair and hang upside down from the ceiling. Bugs would be proud.

Flying AIDS News 

BA.2.12.1 poised to become dominant in US, raising concern for future vaccines

Despite unknowns, FDA officials make the case for annual fall COVID shots

Covid: World’s true pandemic death toll nearly 15 million, says WHO

Covid hospitalisation may affect thinking similar to 20 years of ageing

The body’s response to allergic asthma also helps protect against COVID-19

Some hamsters are extremely susceptible to COVID-19

noooooo - there goes my hamster pr0n!! 

Omicron subvariants BA.4, BA.5 evade protection from earlier omicron infection

FDA limits use of J&J vaccine over rare blood clots

Pfizer knew vaccine was under 20% effective

• Musk has “huge responsibility” to fight health misinfo on Twitter, WHO says
• avoiding demands like this is why he bought Twitter in the first place 

White House press secretary Jen Psaki is on her way out, where she'll be working on air at MSDNC. In a joint statement, the president and Psaki hailed her replacement as the perfect person for the job, being female, black, and gay.

In a followup statement, they said, "Oh yeah, her name is Karine Jean-Pierre."

• cat pizza?

Something is up with Dolly Parton, and I don't mean her plastic surgery bills. She covered "Stairway to Heaven" and is likely to sing with the Stones. Is this some sort of really weird midlife crisis? Does she want to be Mick's sugar mommy?

• oral sex prevents abortion

So the Louisiana republicans who want to charge abortion as homicide have a few other things they want to add as murder:

• masturbation - millions of dead sperm
• stopping wine from breathing
• eating eggs
• falling down the steps for the purposes of abortion

I have a few suggestions too:

• putting pineapple on pizza
• any congressperson raising the debt
• making Medicare and Sonic commercials
• Kardashians

What Amber Heard...

Even people living in the Himalayas can't avoid this trial  The International Space Station has its own feed. You know something is oversaturated when *I* have seen clips of it.

I have observations:

• While the circus is going on, Depp is drawing naked stick figures of Amber, trying to crack his lawyer up.
• I don't usually pick this stuff up, but Amber is a really bad actress. The whole time she was crying her eyes out, I was laughing hysterically. It must've looked pretty rude, but I couldn't help myself; it was an honest reaction. The dog figured out how to use the MUTE button whenever she spoke.
• Court TV is working behind the scenes, creating all sorts of dirty rumors, hoping to make the trial go on forever. Their ratings are through the roof. The anchors are starting to get laid. Some of them are even paying off their implants.

Vogon Opera

Your love is like  winter in May

from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

“Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe.
The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off."

Ode to a Bolt I Found on the Carpet  

So you know what I was doing... I was minding my own business, on the way from one room to another. It had been sunny and mild for two days, so the neighborhood was on-edge, but at least they were quiet. The kids were down in their Panic Rooms, safe from the mysterious light in the sky. Grandparents still had their winter coats on, and were flummoxed when they got hot while walking outside.

As I walked, I said to myself, "GODDAMN, that really hurt." Always the brave one, I turned around to find the source of the pain. It was a rather large metal bolt, sitting on the carpet. Whether it was minding its own business or not, I cannot say. The thing is, I don't know where the bolt is from or how it got there. It was out in the middle of the walkway, so it couldn't have fallen out of a chair, or even the V8 engine I was rebuilding on the dining room table. And when I say rebuilding, I mean I had the idea to rebuild, got it on the table, took off a few bits and pieces, and allowed it to sit there while I waited for inspiration to strike me. It's been 4 years and so far nothing struck me (not even Mrs. lefty).

The thing is, the house is very quiet, as Mrs. lefty is out visiting for a few days. That leaves me and the dog. I'm reasonably certain I'd know if I left a large bolt on the floor. Logically, that leaves the dog. I know for a fact she doesn't like metal - it's just not tasty like tuna or lunchmeat. We do sometimes wonder if she knows that leaving her toys around and killing us would not be to her advantage. 

So I've covered all the logical causes, leaving only the illogical causes. Occam's Razor says the simplest solution is the right one. Unfortunately Occam never sharpened the razor, which grew incredibly dull with time and use. The obvious solution would be Mrs. lefty somehow managing to deposit the bolt there. BUT she could not put the bolt there from three hours away: she's good, but not that good. Whaddaya say about that, Occam? Back to illogical, non-Occam approved solutions, it could be the house just appearing and placing a bolt. It's not like we'd be too surprised. Much weirder things have happened, including carpenter bees and an entire expensive window hurling itself to the ground for no particular reason. I can't prove it, but I suspect the house moves a fraction of an inch every little while. It doesn't look really odd, but I just get the strangest feeling something's not right. This is where the house screws up. If it's gonna mess with me, it has to make things more obvious, so I'll catch them.  It could also be something living in the house that I can't see. Don't laugh - sometimes the dog sits and stares at things, motionless for a while. Sometimes I think we have Visitors.

So I'm essentially no further than I was before painfully discovering the bolt. I also can predict what's going to happen soon. Wife will return home, then step on the bolt too. It's not that I don't pick anything up, it's that I needed it to stay there, to give me the inspiration for this blog. This part of the blog might've shrunk and died (like the Grammys) if I didn't leave the bolt exactly where it was. Maybe she will have some idea where it came from. The dog sure ain't talkin'.

I can tell you another thing that will happen when she gets home. She will immediately pick up the phone and spend a few hours talking with all the people she spent the last few days with. "Give me a ring to let me know you got home ok" is code for "we need to finish our conversation about the proper plants for my garden and continue bitching about certain people we feel aren't carrying their weight, or are putting it on rapidly."

And I'm just sitting there, waving my hand, hoping to be noticed. You know, a little hello, a kiss, an 'I missed you', a bit of oral sex, something.

• Mental health apps have terrible privacy protections, report finds
• Shocking.
• Let's face it - the great majority of apps have no security or privacy. Nor do social media apps. Unfortunately it is the responsibility of the user to look out for themselves. READ the privacy policy first - don't just click OK.
• Most apps have ads that track, if not direct links to Faceyspaces. I have a game that tries to contact Faceyspaces every few minutes. I can't think of a single reason this is necessary, so it's firewalled off.
• If you have any doubts, do a little research. If it's still questionable, you're welcome to ask here, in the comments. Until you're satisfied, don't install the app - if you do, it can still access things without you knowing.

With the mad rush to 'green cars,' I asked what the ultimate cost was. Here's something interesting: "Clean energy's need for unsustainable minerals". Plus there's the generation of power to recharge the cars. I think we're going to find out that green cars aren't that green and we've been sold a bill of goods. Again.

• Dog breed is a surprisingly poor predictor of individual behavior
• This is a whopper... allegedly, breed makes up only 9% of behaviors. Not sure I'm believing, but make your own decision.

Today I identify as  Covid 20 - Son of Covid

These companies paid little to no taxes last year

This is a good read. Although they partially blame a Trump tax cut, what they fail to mention is the breaks written into the tax code by Congress. Corporations 'generously donate' to a Congressperson, who manages to slide some 'favorable text' into tax legislation. As you would expect, it's done in a sneaky way and the corporations are not necessarily named.  Although I don't have exact text, it goes something like this: A company incorporated in Bumfuct, Alabama. on March 12, 2001, shall pay no income tax.' You can look it up, but good luck trying.

Armed Robbery Staged in Front of FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.

I suppose this isn't too surprising. The FBI is the modern day Keystone Kops, and spends more time arming dummies and 'catching' them than doing anything helpful.

Ode to a Useless Operating System 

As I'm finishing up work the other night, I notice I'm no longer connected to work. The only clue I have is the little blinky that tells me Windows installed something and I have to reboot. Well, that's probably all I need to know... it was being helpful by knocking me off so I could reboot. I gave up on work because no more of it was going to get done until I appeased the Reboot Gods.

The next day, after I just gave up and let it do whatever it wanted, it took 15 minutes to boot. When it eventually decided to come up, I noticed things were operating strangely (more strangely). Why? It had randomly changed the buttons on my mouse to right handed. After another fifteen minutes, I managed to get to the mouse settings and they were set correctly - they just operated backwards. I had to change them to look like they were backwards to make them work correctly.

Windows: It's not an operating system, it's a virus

Part II

I put in a help ticket.

A helpful tech, Bob, called me. Highlights of the call:

• oh, you sent me a screenshot?
• Antivirus? Oh, we can't do anything about that.
• Yes, the new one will have the same problem, but it will have the same problem faster, so it will only put you out of action one day instead of five
• You used to work on the first floor? No, I'm on the third floor. I don't know where the first floor is.

Wife is unreasonable.

Apparently, running around the house with a lampshade stapled to my head, singing songs about how Windows has finally beaten me is scaring the dog and is NOT normal behavior, even for us.

All I have left is to back up some files. Windows assures me that it's copying them, and after 30 minutes, it's 2% complete.  

It's going to be a long week today.

Let's Go!!!! 

My car won't unlock. That's new. Maybe the battery's dead. Or something.

I went back to the last century and unlocked the door manually. Battery's fine. Key fob not detected. WTF do you mean key fob not detected? It was detected just fine last night. It has a brand new battery in it. I'd jump off a bridge, but there are none within walking distance. Borrowed Wife's fob. I wish that was as dirty as it sounded.

Bob hands me a new laptop, didn't copy my profile over, containing all my settings. It should only take the rest of the calendar year to put everything back.

Home Again, Home Again 

Run the new power supply wires. Hook up monitors, nothing is on the same side.

Annnnnnd the wireless won't connect. Why? Somebody turned off the power strip (I'm going to blame the dog even though it was probably me). FINALLY connected. My major job function tool JUST broke down, so I couldn't do much.

And I was able to provide my employer with an hour of productive work. It's probably more than a lot of my coworkers did, and they were at their desks all day.

• I sure picked a bad week to stop shooting heroin

Heard this coming out of the police scanner:

...one house flipped into the air and landed on another

Sounds like a 'concentrated wind event'

Why does this look like an old SNL sketch with Chris Farley?

Looking for Blog Design Help

 

Are you kidding me? I can't even get readers to comment. ThermionicEmissions will remain the most eye-assaulting blog on the web. It's all about the content anyway....

Your love is like  eating Legos

Google has a secret iOS app to help you switch to Android

You can lead a horse to a phone, but you can't make him change

Today I identify as   some pronouns

Senators want to mandate anti-piracy technology across the web

Ouch. Two bad words: Senate and mandate.

You know this is being pushed by industry.

We need to leave the web alone. Period.

• The American Dental Association was hit with the Black Basta Ransomware
• Unfortunately it wasn't covered by their insurance 

Biden to use infrastructure money to keep nuclear plants open

Read it - the logic is stunning.

50% of you elected him and we're all constantly paying

And now, it's the drones:

Biden wants to give state and local police access to drone-tracking tech

Who's going to protect us from police drones? 

We all know coffee is a magical elixir that helps us start the day. Then move the day. Then get through the day. Then keep us from falling over, asleep, during the day. The most important part being starting the day. Using flavored liquid creamer is also important, as it's one and done - no sugar or powder needed.  This morning got weird. This is not my usual weird, this is a whole different kinda weird. The kinda weird that I didn't need and didn't help at all in starting my day. My creamer, caramel, tasted weird. In fact it tasted like hazelnut. I checked the bottle, thinking it looked similar and got picked up by mistake, but no - it said caramel. This is a fine thing to happen to a person minding his own business in the morning. And if we choose to return it, imagine the person at the return counter listening to the complaint... 

"Ok, Sir, it's labeled caramel but tastes like hazelnut. Yes, Sir. I'm sure it does. It happens all the time. Will you please move behind the yellow line for my safety? Thank you." 

Faceyspaces Strikes Again

Facebook Doesn’t Know What It Does With Your Data, Or Where It Goes: Leaked Document

With their history of idiocy and harm, Faceyspaces could rape kittens and get away with it.

Flying AIDS News 

America is 'OUT of the pandemic phase': Fauci confirms Covid-19 infections are 'at a low level' but people should still get 'intermittently' vaccinated

Kamala Harris tests positive for COVID-19

She is fortunately asymptomatic and wants everybody to know this is a very diverse variant.

75% of US children have now had COVID, up from 44%, due to omicron

• Mrs. lefty suggested I put out only one blog entry a week and blame it on supply chain issues.

The internal hand-wringing, arms-throwing about, running around and screaming reaction to Elon Musk buying Twitter has come out, and it's even better than you thought.  People are very upset at the concept of free speech and what it could do to their progressive bent and the next election.

US Supreme Court: Should this coach have been punished for praying?

Fresh off his mental health take on the Depp/Heard trial, Doctor Lawyer lefty weighs in on this. The answer, of course, is yes. The First Amendment keeps us from the establishment of religion. A public school is state-run, therefore prayer is establishment, same as bible readings in class. If it were a private school, no problem. This is not a religious freedom argument - he has freedom to practice his religion anywhere else but on state-owned grounds.

God hasn't produced peace, so I don't think he's interested in your football game.

Dear God, we humbly ask your help in blowing our opponents to bits, in thy name.

Today's Safety Warning 

I received a text, telling me a friend wanted me to join them at Google news. Type YES for the url.

I'm not going to test the theory, but I did the first thing you should do: asked the friend if they sent it. The answer, of course, was no. Forward to 7746 (SPAM) and delete. Notify the friend to change passwords NOW, just in case.

lefty Attenborough's Hour of Animals

Portugal has a lot of land. But we're not going to discuss that today.

Portugal has islands too.

Down south is Desertas Grande ("bigass ice cream sundae"), where there are two main inhabitants. Ok, two interesting inhabitants. First there is the wolf spider. It has eight eyes and can reach 5.5" (12 quarts Canadian) across. Because of the wolf spider, nobody visits the island. It will attack anything it thinks it can eat, like lizards, cows, and small cars.

Swimming around the island are the last of the [something or other] seals, hunted almost to extinction by very very naughty people. It is estimated that there are about thirty left (seals, not naughty people). Once a year, environmentalists invade to measure this and that, and install streaming cameras. This has the effect of really annoying the seals, who refuse to reproduce if they are going to be streamed in the process. Meanwhile, sealpr0n.com is raking in the money.

The seals can stay under water for fifteen minutes without surfacing, which enables a siesta after lunch. The first thing that occurs to me is what it looks like when seals sleep. Some pull under a cliff and sleep upside down, bellies up. This coincidentally is the way human males sleep. Sometimes it's the way human males reproduce. The only way to tell which is to look at the expression on the human female's face. Belly up is also the way city employees work, but this is only a theory, as no one can find anyone present or working at City Hall.

Many nature shows have discovered that the Portuguese people speak Portuguese but nobody knows why. Brazilians do too, although they are quite far from each other. There are theories that Portugal broke off from Brazil and traveled to the Mediterranean. Warning: do not use Google or any other translator to go from Brazilian Portuguese to Portugal Portuguese. It is very slightly off and you wouldn't want any wacky mishaps.

Brazil: Good morning.

Portugal: Your mother is a sewage line.

Brazil: How are you today?

Portugal: Your mother sniffs socks, but she's not very good at it. 

Brazil: It's a hot one today.

Portugal: Your mother is a hot one. Everybody says so.

The women in Brazil are exquisite, as they are in Portugal, especially if you like enormous buttocks. Women with average size buttocks can be found, but it will require a small expedition. If you go in search of the average size buttock female, do NOT go to Desertas Grande. They have spiders the size of your head that eat babies.

Week's best title for something or other: Catalytic Hydrogenation Phthalate Plasticizers (or Don't Get it on Your Fingers)

My niece has been in contractions for a week. They tell me this is not all that great. Fortunately I am a guy, therefore exempt from all this stuff. The women all talk about it and the guys either nod their heads or are kept in the dark, gratefully, by their wives, who know it's just not good to talk about this with this husbands. It is a fact women are stronger than men and can deal with bodily functions, plus they're smart enough not to involve their husbands (with any more than cigars and drinks). 

Dear Adobe

It would be extremely helpful, as well as most productive, if when I clicked on a feature, the entire program didn't crash.

Thank you.

It's interesting that the climate change people haven't gone after wireless charging. It's grossly inefficient; it wastes large amounts of energy that should be charging your phone. So if you want to do your part, plug the phone in to charge it. 

Chaos erupted when Americans brought a 'souvenir' through an Israeli airport: an unexploded shell.

These people are too stupid to fly. Have them swim.

What could possible have gone wrong when bringing a shell on a plane?

Was it in the same case as their automatic weapon or the dirty bomb?

• Mastodon, the social network, saw 30,000 new users after Elon Musk bought Twitter. 
• Think about this... Thirty thousand people are terrified of free speech, and would prefer to delete speech with which they don't agree.
• [holds hands over ears] LA LA LA LA I can't hear you

An Ohio school board member posted a link directly to a porn website in a Facebook post about critical race theory and the perils of teaching students about sex education.