Thanksgiving in May

Your love is like carpenter bees

Wawa Free Coffee Tuesday - because you made it through Monday.

Wawa is a Philly-area convenience store that is incredibly well stocked. Except for the coffee. They have 8 kinds of it, but if you serve 8 kinds of dirt, each one is still dirt. I like coffee that will take the skin off your fingers, which this definitely isn't. But let me say something nice: they want some of that sweet money from coffee drinks, and these are really good. And the strawberry smoothies are really sweet.

Guitar Center misses me. Truly. To show me, they send me emails. Many emails. The first one said they missed me - the honest approach. Next day said they missed me so much, they were offering me 15% off (purchases over $27,300). The next few days, they said they noticed I hadn't used my coupon yet. I have received more emails from psychotic ex-girlfriends. Then the email came from the store's manager, who wanted to let me know I now had 23.7% off. The next day, the manager wanted to know if the coupon wasn't good enough. It gave me his cell phone number and asked me to call him. 2 days later I got a weepy email, inviting me to his house to "talk about it - just talk." I'm just putting this out into the public. If I see a Guitar Center van out front, I'm calling SWAT.

Idiot Mayor or Idiot Governor is at it again. New restrictions are to be announced Monday. New Jersey banned outside bar seating. This is perfect for the Biden administration: mandate, don't inform or ask.

Today I identify as dog hair, all over your clothes

We have a Woodpecker. Once a year, the little *%&#er pops by and makes an ungodly amount of noise. Before getting out my ACME double barrel shotgun, I took video. It was very difficult to find him because he looked nothing like the cartoon. He didn't even say "BEEP BEEP". Perhaps he's a hybrid...

A CDC Thanksgiving 

The CDC (Clueless Diligence Committee) has released its rules for the holidays. They're completely different from last week's recommendations, which we've come to expect from the worldwide organization that can't get the current weather right. Rather than listing all the rules, let's look into Christmas at the CDC

Mommy, why do we have a huge table but only you and me are sitting at it.

That's because we're social distancing by 120 miles.

But Mommy, I want some turkey. How do you get it through the video screen?

That's at Uncle Bob's house. We have McDonald's McTurkey.

Mom, how can we eat with masks on?

We're losing a lot of weight this holiday season.

Why do people sprint around with pizza at Aunt Florida's house? 

Their Thanksgiving Pizza gets a lot of exercise because they're social distancing, so they have to run it next door, instead of passing it down the table.

Mommy.. what are those little baskets by everybody's plates?

They're for silverware - everybody brought their own.

They sure are drinking a lot.

Kills germs.

Awwww... I'm tellin...  Susie has more than 10 people at her house. Call the Hotline!

I don't remember you being such a pain in the ass at Thanksgiving.

Look.. some doctor in France said we should cancel the holidays. President Trump said no masks. President Biden said masks by law. What do we do?

We're the CDC, Honey. We said masks at some point in the beginning, then no masks, then masks again a few times. We need to drink our own Kool Aid.

There's Kool Aid? Mommy Mommy I want Kool Aid!

You can't have any, it's with the turkey that won't fit through the screen.

Isn't Thanksgiving a time to be together with your family and be thankful for what you have?

That's the old Thanksgiving. This year we don't have to bother with family and we can be thankful for billions more in funding!

That's not what the teacher in virtual school said.

Your virtual teacher isn't the CDC, is she?

Yeah, but when she says words, they always mean the same thing.

Johnny, go to your *$(#ing room, down the street. And if you don't wear your mask in the shower, there will be no dessert.

Don't forget - your purchases are available for curbside pickup.

Is this one of those phrases stores use that make no sense? Guitar Center has curbside pickup. Ok, bring me a $5,000 Les Paul. No, I don't need to try it out first, I'm sure your knowledgeable and well-trained staff will bring me a good one

We order stuff online so it gets delivered to the house, not so we can go pick it up. Here's a 150 item list - can you get everything and bring it to the curb (please)? Just call 215-555-1234 if you have any questions... we'll be in the lot, quivering in fear of the Flying AIDS, with our masks on, in the car. We're the same people who have sex with our masks on - you can never be too careful. Just kidding - we don't have sex. You never know where those parts have been and you can't get past a vaginal mask anyway.

Who does this benefit? I guess if you need a printer or ink refill THAT MOMENT, but you'll experience great disappointment if you go Best Buy. You order it online, go to pick it up curbside, and the employee will tell you that it's not a stock item, so you have to stay parked there for 3 weeks.

Plus you need to admit that you actually like going into Target and shopping for nothing, and leaving with $150 of nothing. You just can't do that curbside. I've got it - I have the future of shopping(!) - get ready.. Personal Shopping, the way nobody has ever seen it. You video call the store. A Helpful Sales Associate smiles and introduces herself. She has a camera on her head and goes up and down every aisle, showing you everything you like. Virtual Shopping! No Flying AIDS and you 'get out of the house'. Of course the cookies are $199.95 because they have to staff the place, but some people will pay for anything.

If you have OCD and are a germphobe, I guess curbside might help: there are 2 less pairs of hands touching your beef than if you were inside the store. You want as few hands touching your meat as possible. Jeff Bezos (Amazon) will send you anything you want, and a few things you didn't know were available, next day shipping - why do you need curbside?

Forget I said all that - support your local businesses.

Dear lefty 

• Why do you do this.... this.... stuff..?
• Oh, absolutely the women and the money 

Trump supporters did a largely peaceful march around D.C. Largely peaceful, until the other side showed up, sparking violence, arrests, and police intervention to keep the children apart. This puts the opposition in 1 of 2 classes: blithering idiots, or organized. If I were on the winning side of an issue and the losing side held a rally, I'd sleep in... my side already won - what's the point?

Local news featured a local restaurant. The owner says, "We are a Christian-based restaurant; everybody knows the love of Christ through our food." The news should do an investigation on this - does everybody know the love of Christ through their food, or are some locals faking it?

TV Stuff

There's a Fresh Prince of BelAir reunion on the way. 30 years in the making. I feel weepy.

Devastated by the death of Alex Trebek, several days later, Jeopardy fans have petitioned, 30k strong, for LeVar Burton to be the next host. You can't say the fans don't respect their departed host. Is this what they call Internet Time? 

An appeal from ThermionicEmissions

Look around and notice the good things, big or small. If you haven't been radically affected by the Flying AIDS, do a bit to help those who were. If it was your job or your business, you could use a bit of help. Your area probably has no shortage of charities that sprung up, or an SPCA, a church, something in your neighborhood. If you can, and if you think it's the right thing to do...

We're going through our neighbor, the Church Lady, because bad things tend to happen when I walk inside a church. Or Apple store.

I don't know if BLM or Antifa is watching, but something is up with Football. To date, the NFL has bent over for everything, but I think some individualism is starting to creep through. After a play, 2 guys touched arms together, then put their hands on their mustaches. Not only is this unhygienic, it could be some sort of fascist or white supremacist sign. This must be looked into immediately. No sign of joy must be allowed to creep into football. Maybe the ADL will claim the invisible mustache is only 1" wide, like Hitler's.

It's the Doctor - He Says You're Dead

 

Your love is like  a wide open field. Of manure.

Some sort of magic happened and I got to see an honest to goodness doctor in his honest to goodness office. I could tell he was serious, because he wore a mask and one of those welders' masks too. I went into the waiting room and six employees shrieked, "STOP! Wait outside and we'll be right with you." I didn't know I was interrupting pr0n hour.

There was a tiny little sign by the door that said For your privacy, wait here and we'll be with you. That makes perfect sense because if I don't read most words in a paragraph, why would I read any on a sign? Then my brain got to wonderin'... how, exactly, would sitting outside the office, in a hallway, help my privacy? If I needed an operation, would they sit my knocked out body outside the operating room, for my privacy? Or would they do what they always do in that dream: pull down my pants and the whole auditorium breaks into laughter?

A nice lady eventually appeared and took my temperature. Since it's been a while, I didn't know how she wanted to take it. Perhaps pr0n hour caused her to suggest rectally, which I rejected immediately (only Mrs lefty gets to do that). Dying of curiosity, I asked how my privacy was being protected by me sitting in the hall. She told me that there was only 1 person allowed in the 27 person waiting room at a time. Well, that pretty much answered nothing, especially as there was nobody in the waiting room or the hallway but me. I think the doctors tell them to answer with the first thing they think of, which will usually subdue the patient, perhaps playing on their fear of looking Medically Stupid.

How does this protect my privacy?

Well, the window's over there - see - down the hall.

Oh.

But there's nobody here.

We only allow 1 at a time in the waiting room.

But there's nobody in the waiting room.

See, you're the 1:30 appointment.

Oh.

The doctor eventually waddled in, after writing a few chapters of his autobiography, and got right to work, wondering where his tools were. I know the guy's good, so I tried not to look afraid when he came back with a huge needle and a urine receptacle. He performed his magic, I got soaked, and got to elbow bump him. I now know why I was dizzy, feverish, and possibly why I quacked on the half hour. He handed me a copy of my bloodwork and suggested a Mediterranean diet. I told him this was not possible; I love Mediterraneans, but this is against my wife's strict No Dating Policy.

Mrs lefty looked over the bloodwork and said I was so normal it was disgusting. That I was actually quite marketable. Since I like my reproductive gear, I told her I only wanted to be in her market.

SCREEEEEEEECH 

Hold on....

*I* have incredibly normal, if not great, bloodwork and am marketable?

• I work at a desk, sometimes wide awake
• when I'm not working, I'm a zen-like 1 with the couch
• I have 3 food groups: chocolate, pizza, and YooHoo
• I believe exercise causes cancer

and I have great blood results?

I'VE DONE IT! I'VE FINALLY DONE IT!

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, I'VE PROVEN THEM ALL WRONG!

The sedentary lifestyle is what humans are supposed to live.

I have perfect joints, because I rarely use them.

My beer belly is a healthy one, even if I don't drink beer.

I keep my arms healthy by curling chocolate.

All my relatives died from too much moving about and exercising. WHY?

Dear readers, please do yourself, your family, and me a favor: adopt the sedentary lifestyle, before it's too late! 

Today I identify as  the left side of a zipper that won't go all the way up

• Will the person who made it possible to have emojis on the subject line of email please report for execution. Thank you.

I'd look around very carefully before I crossed streets or lifted heavy objects: I'm writing this because I'm happy. Food shopping does not make me happy. Listening to random songs on my phone's 16gig music folder does. Not a single CLOUD involved. Just tunes. Joe Walsh, Boz Scaggs, Doug Aldrich, and a staggering live version of Revival, by the Allmans [People can you feel it, love is everywhere]. Music has power.  Cardi B ain't gonna take you there.

Dear Mrs lefty:

I am in receipt of your shopping list and will take care of it, since your back is in bad shape. I just have a few questions, since you usually do this:

• do the skies always open up as soon as you decide to leave?
• did you know the kind of ink you use on your list doesn't so much smudge as melt in the rain?
• are there seriously mini and petite carrots?
• there are yellow, white, red, russet, baking, microwave, and single potatoes. What did you hope to accomplish by sending me out for yukon?
• why do we spend exponentially more for dog treats than lefty treats?
• does "buy 1 get 1 free" always translate to "we have nothing you want 2 of"?
• why do you submit me to the math involved in Buy 2 Get 1 Free?
• you might not be aware, but "bleach" comes in 12 different varieties and 13 different sizes. Perhaps we can schedule a knowledge transfer. I suffered from similar issues with "soup".
• how do you decide on soda? Coke is not on sale but you love Coke. Pepsi is on sale but no one will drink it, and they're out of Code Red. I've gone through weeks of work that aren't this difficult.

Dear lefty  

• Why are there fake vaginas and remote dog ovulation sensors?
• this dude needs to sell them to make money on Ebay?

Music and culture naturally changes with time.

Each generation says the next generation's music is noise.

The kids who were always being told TURN THAT DOWN are now saying TURN THAT DOWN to their kids.

Things during the Album Age were different. You'd pay a lot of your hard-earned money for an album, then spend hours poring over the cover to find out who played on it and whatever other details were there. 

In high school, music was your religion, to be displayed on book covers and clothes. This meant something, and you were forever putting together best of bands, with the best of each instrument in it. There were loud arguments over whose lead singer was best. Nobody really got that Freddy Mercury's singing was a wholly different style than Robert Plant's.

Of course things have changed, as they always do. When someone buys an album.. no, wait, when they buy a song, they don't get to read anything about it but it's ok, they don't care. Kids do not wear music logos, they wear corporate logos. They don't argue about who's the best guitarist, they argue about who displayed their twat better in concert. Who had the best social media feud and put-downs. Whose dancers are better. Who is besties with Kim K this week. Whose sex tape is better.

Yeah, things certainly change.

Son, We Need to Have a Talk About Your Flugelhorn

Your love is like   spaghetti, when it grows that blue fuzz

Today I identify as  pureed yak

Way back in the forbidden years known possibly as the 70s, there existed a place to buy electronic kits. It was called Heathkit and you could get everything from a clock to a tv to repair gear. People ignored the obvious conundrum that the price was roughly equivalent to purchasing a new, prebuilt thingie.

Now things have gone to hell, nobody cares about electronics, and it's extremely difficult to buy kits. Heathkit folded, stayed folded, continued to remain folded, then very quietly reappeared. True to form, you can purchase learning kits, a $125 LED clock kit, and a no-solder $149.99 AM radio kit. With no brick and mortar stores, maybe it's cost-effective. I can't imagine "these kids today" learning to solder....

Over on Ebay, where things are fun and people ask $50 for old magazines, occasionally Heathkit kits show up. It must be inflation, because they're going for over $600 for the tiniest of kits. I didn't do any Heathkitting, but it's nice to see.

I grew up with a soldering iron in my hand. Unfortunately, it took a while to figure out which end to hold, and to remember never to solder in shorts. I like to whip it out now and then (I also like to solder). If nothing else, it's a skill all musicians should have.

Also back in the 70s(?) was the digital watch. It's back, but no one knows why.

Dear lefty 

• Why are they singing in the rain?
• turkeys are so stupid, they don't come in from the rain. They turn their heads up to drink and can drown.

McDonalds plans to launch a plant-based burger - the McPlant

You're gonna McHate it! 

Collins Dictionary declare "Lockdown" as its word of the year.

runner-ups were blowfart, covid baby, respirator, Flying AIDS, and "that will not fit".

• Yes, science has given us nano-scale guitars that you can actually strum, but there is nothing that approaches the precision of my dog eating around the kibble to get to some tuna someone put in her bowl.

Some lockdown children in England are forgetting how to use silverware or regressing back to diapers. I know it's a different country, but don't they have parents there? 

ROME (AP) — A Vatican investigation into former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick has found that a series of bishops, cardinals and popes downplayed or dismissed reports of sexual misconduct with seminarians, and determined that Pope Francis merely continued his predecessors’ handling of the predator until a former altar boy alleged abuse.

These guys really jump on a catastrophe. Fortunately, this is the only instance of child molestation in the entire Catholic Church. Oh, I get it... this is like UFO Disclosure... 

• Keith Richards (1941-1975) does not own a cell phone. He is something to aspire to: 76 years old, playing music, and one of the happiest men on the planet. The best vintage equipment, and the ear of every manufacturer. He wipes his butt with $100 bills - he and Mick are the songwriters, so they get the cash.

I am constantly amazed that people, including school districts, use Zoom.

The FTC announced an agreement, covering their misleading statements on security. You should not be using Zoom. For anything.

• My neighbor's 13 year old daughter is getting bullied at school for being a Trump supporter. At least the kids are being indoctrinated into bullying, regardless of side. This will help them on social media.
• I didn't have a political choice when I was 13 - did you? I had just discovered the opposite sex was good for something other than ignoring me. In spite of my discovery, they continued to ignore me.

Speaking of which, men are stupid. Ladies, I do not want you to hurt yourself agreeing with me. Some guys just couldn't pick up signals, thus were fatefully ensconced in their basements and bedrooms for most of their lives. If I weren't with Mrs lefty, I'd be there. I am incredibly dense. If a woman were to come up to me with a sign that said, "I like you a lot and would love to do some mattress dancing with you," I would look around the empty room, trying to figure out who the sign was for, all while carrying on a perfectly normal conversation with the woman and wondering if she liked me. This started and continued through high school, when we'd talk on the LANDLINE with our buddies, going over the events of the meeting and whether we thought she'd be into us. "Well, she took her top off, but maybe it was dirty." "She invited me to go skinny dipping" but maybe she just didn't have a clean bathing suit.  This was before Tinder and random sex you videoed for Pr0nhub.

Looking back, the really cool girl in high school who wore what looked like a crochet shirt (full of holes) with no bra was telling me something. I say this because she told somebody years later. Cuz you know I sat there and discussed the shirt with her. 'Dweeb' comes to mind. A frying pan to the head should have come to mind.

This continued into (alleged) adulthood. I failed to pick up on absolutely any signs, no matter how loud. OK, there was one... a very brave lady came up to me at a show and said I was very good looking and she wanted to go out with me. THAT one I got. But first, I checked her pupils and made her walk a straight line. No coke-bottle glasses either, no legal blindness. Once, at work, a lovely lady walked up to me, kissed me on the cheek, and walked away. I figured that was a pretty good signal, but Mrs lefty disagreed, saying the lady probably lost a bet. That was cruel. The one who asked me to fix her computer appeared in a sheer bodysuit, which I just started to pick up on, but even I know that you never mix reproductive parts with people just this side of the Happy Place<tm>. Any other blogger would say "never stick your dick in crazy," but I go the extra mile for my readers.

Speaking of (musical comedy) shows, this apparently happened a lot at shows, but again, I was too stoopid to notice. This was pointed out by Mrs lefty, in a very amused way... "Didn't you see that?" What? "That girl, very interested in you." Where? "She was right in front of you." Well how was *I* supposed to know? Apparently this happened fairly regularly and I missed it fairly regularly. No way in hell I'd cheat on Mrs lefty, but it was nice to know someone thought I was attractive enough to give me signals I would miss. 

Thinking this over, I can strike up a conversation with a woman almost any time, in any situation, the weirder the better. It suddenly hit me, if I could use my comedic talents for picking up women, I'd be drowning in them. But if I tried to do this consciously, I'd clam right up. I probably missed out on many potential get togethers because there was no Mrs lefty there to tell me they were amused by me and primed for an exchange of numbers. 

There's something wrong with the Plan when it took me this long to figure things out and I've been married for xx years. 

Perhaps women should come with a sign of some sort.. a bit less subtle than flicking her hair.. after all, we're very dim and inexperienced. Maybe a large pin with half saying INTERESTED and half saying nothing. They can rotate it to the proper orientation and even the really st00pid guys will get the message. Nah, we'd just think it was set to INTERESTED for the last guy she saw and she forgot to set it back.

• on V-Day, Wife watched horrible old war movies. One thing about the Germans - they didn't have the courtesy to speak English.

Garmin added pregnancy tracking to their Connect app.

Because we not only don't want privacy, we demand we don't have any.

Ask Dr lefty

According to a study, the benefits of multivitamins 'may all be in the mind'.

Let's ignore the fact that the doctors recommend them... anything that is claimed to be all in the mind still works. It shows the body's power to heal itself. When placebos work, it's just the person healing themself. So take them.

My friend is a Weird Magnet: she attracts Weird. This has gone on since I met her, many many years ago. They come out of the ether to meet her. Our theory is that she exudes a Weird Vortex, which pilots their semi-faulty aircraft into her life. The latest is a guy she called in to fix up some hardwood flooring. She had to have him 'evicted' because he became convinced he lived there. This is only mildly Weird, as these things go.

I Was There When We Met

It was inevitable that I cursed thanked my fellow Americans for voting in 1 of the 2 thieves. You have caused taxes to go up. You have voted against your own wallet. And mine, unfortunately. 

Your love is like another brand new Star Wars sequel!

 

Welcome to The Invalids - a new sitcom featuring the leftys.

Mrs lefty's back has been known to take vacations: this time it's really out. The entire family is aghast, as no one has ever seen her sit still for more than 4 seconds at one time. The other day she was on the couch for 3 minutes: we checked for a pulse.

lefty's ear is still having a hissy. The doctor suggested starting slowly, with hydrogen peroxide. My understanding is that this will bleach all the tiny ear hairs blonde. So now there's hissing with tiny blonde ear hairs. We tried other things like more peroxide, YooHoo, and drain cleaner, all with no change.  The worst thing is that nobody will ever see my new blonde tiny ear hairs. Except the doctor, and if you've ever seen his scrubs, it really doesn't matter.

The doctor's office inspired confidence, 'fitting me in' within a week or 2. I nudged them ever so slightly, exercising my Tiny Medical Knowledge, and asking if maybe it might be prudent to see me sooner, given it's a semi-important bodily function: my hearing. If it were my heart, I'd wait. To put a point on my medical argument, I explained to the very nice lady that it was nigh impossible for me to procure that thing.. the Ear-O-Scope, and look in my own ear. That argument won her over. 

I am not checking Butt Stuff.

Today I identify as  fish

• Republicans: you better get started early... get out your hashtags #NotMyPresident and #Resistance and #Impeach. You'll need something derogatory, so call him President Huh? 

RIP Alex Trebek - said he wanted to be remembered as a nice guy. No problem, eh? 

• New nasal spray prevents Flying AIDS infection in ferrets
• How do they get them to snort it? 

As the White House gets ready for its next inhabitant, things are expected to change:

• furniture moved far away from other furniture to avoid tripping injuries
• kitchen restocking with applesauce and Aricept
• Secret Service order to keep the president away from microphones and anything with a vagina
• quick shortcut from vice presidential bedroom to presidential bedroom, in case of midnight promotion
• rubber bedsheets
• condom and rubber glove dispenser... just in case Joe gets loose..
• defund the Secret Service and take away their guns
• I've fallen and I can't get up button for Joe

Dear lefty  

• I didn't vote for the person who became president. What do I do?
• if the past 4 years were any indication, scream, obstruct, whine annoyingly, and start impeachment proceedings

It took quite a long time, but I finally saw a video with Queen and Adam Lambert. Freddie Mercury saw it years ago: he looked down from heaven and said, "Nope. Too gay."

How do you opine on someone replacing one of the finest frontmen in rock? There's no question that Lambert is a fine singer - hitting all the notes. But he's not Freddie.  --> Oops.

Hence my problem.

He just doesn't do anything for me. Like another rock and roll great - Paul Rogers with Queen.

• a speedboat, upside down, on fire, on the highway. Who's going to tell the boat owner it doesn't work on land? Still -that's some class-A gawking there.

Portland, Maine has voted to each get $100 when cops, govt officials illegally spy on them with facial-rec AI, minimum $1,000.

This is the beginning of a great idea. Unfortunately, Portland is displaying its ignorance of government: government doesn't have money: it's taken from you. So every $1,000 fine comes from the taxpayers. Let's jigger things around for greatest effect: a $100 fine to come from the mayor's salary, minimum $1,000. I can guarantee Portland that civil rights will become the mayor's highest priority.

In related news, San Diego voted down this type of surveillance too. Unfortunately there's no switch to turn it off: the company shut off the feed to government. 

Why Germans love getting naked in public.

To see other naked Germans? 

The rift between the royal family and Prince Harry grows.

What hope is there for us when even the reptilians can't get along? 

While viewing an apartment at a famed Hollywood building, a person leaped to their death.

Great - now the stress of showing a terribly exclusive apartment isn't enough... now the agent has to watch for jumpers...

And here is the lovely kitchen, with all modern appliances... no, Sir, the gas is not hooked up yet and there are no sharp knives. We have a world class balcony, which is locked for your safety, and you can't get at it until you sign the lease. You can choose between 2 and 3 bedroom apartments.. Sir, please stay away from the window. All trash goes down the refuse chute, which isn't wide enough to accommodate a human body. Your neighbors would be Elton John and Sandra Bullock, neither of whom will shoot you. Elton said blowing poison darts is out but blowing other things might be arranged. The entire apartment is bomb-proof and fitted with extra-strength sprinklers, in case of mysterious fire. The floor calls police when it senses blood and the Amazon Spy System knows when you're stumbling over your words and shares video with the local police. You're all covered for when you accidentally take 27 sleeping pills instead of 1.. please stay away from the picture window, Sir... and no, there are no medicines left over from the former resident... The ceiling is smooth as can be; no way of tying a rope up there. Sir, may I respectfully suggest this building might not be for you? Please stay away from the windows..

SJW During Flying AIDS

CBS pledges Survivor, Big Brother casts will now be 50% people of color

..as will winners 

Do Not Throw the Bath Water Out with the Baby

Your love is like  a dirty diaper

If you notice it's a bit warmer, you have me to thank. Why? Because I have 1 outlet for the fan and heater. Since it's been so cold, I packed up the fan and put it away, therefore we got warm weather. You're welcome.

Next I will wash the car and make it rain. The power is awesome but I try to use it responsibly. 

Speaking of which, there are 2 things I don't understand: making the bed and washing the car... if you make the bed, you're just going to unmake it that night. If you wash the car, it's only going to get dirty again. Mrs lefty does not agree.

This doesn't necessarily apply to the inside of the car. The last time she cleaned it, I discovered we had a back seat. It turned out to be quite handy.

• If you live in any state that isn't Pennsylvania, you can go into a Target and purchase Skrewball Peanut Butter Whiskey.
• Idiot Governor: our forefathers did not fight and die so we couldn't purchase peanut butter whiskey in department stores. Shame.

Today I identify as  a Russian, warming up to interfere in the next election

• A good read, about trying to identify a dead guy, using the internet and whatever else they can. Particularly scary is the voluntary DNA database. RIP Mostly Harmless.

Work had another meeting today.

For the entire 7 years I've been there, work meetings have been productive. Some sort of magic dust was sprinkled and someone's firstborn was involved. 

Until these meetings.

There is something about Stupid that multiplies in groups, like with voters. After a while, Stupid becomes oppressive and tries to run the meeting, failing to even order coffee or donuts.

For those of you playing along at home, we had 27 people all together yesterday, with dead silence because nobody had a clue. This subsequently involved me, potato chip clips, and a certain sensitive part of my anatomy. Since we couldn't get anyone who knew anything on the call, we decided we'd get the experts today.

Naturally the experts weren't available today, so we got people even less able than yesterday's crowd. It's like dealing with the assistant chef, requesting the master chef, and getting the head dish washer. I knew it was going to be painful, and I am rarely disappointed. 

Everybody I work with has their work plan worked out: they say nothing, and largely do nothing. Since it is too physically painful for me to keep my mouth shut, I say Stuff. The secret to saying Stuff is to sound sure of yourself. This way the people who aren't saying anything say to themselves, "Boy he sounds like he has the answer. And this means I can continue to say nothing. Win/win." So I confidently asked questions that sounded confident. Even the people in charge took notice and applied my questions to the matter at hand. My boss also heard some of this, which sounded like I downright knew something. Or like he's just too mellow to tell me to STFU. He seems to think I know Stuff and even asks me questions about Stuff. Since we've established I know nothing, but I'm the only one who talks, I simply answer assertively. He's happy, I'm happy that he's happy, and he doesn't remember he knew all this stuff long before I was on the project.

Since Boss is unbelievably busy, we get Bob. Bob likes to have meetings. He schedules them for times when literally no one else can make them, like Sundays. Unfortunately, only California is on Sunday time when we're all on Friday time. Bob seriously likes meetings. Sometimes the next meeting invitation is in our inbox before the current meeting is through. I suspect Bob's salary is somehow tied to number of meetings, but as I said, I'm trying to keep those questions to myself. Instead I just ask him if he got any last night.

I let a nearly polite outburst out today, concerning Microsoft Teams and things it does wrong, or just plain doesn't do. I don't know if President Trump or the head of the corporation was in the room, but it got very quiet after the rant. On the bright side, I didn't use any chip clips.

Dear lefty  

• What's with all the counting in Philly?
• Well, studies have shown Philly can't count 
• What were those strange, hand-rolled cigarettes they were smoking?
• Nothing that was on the ballot - that's for sure 

 

My ear is having a hissy. Or that's what it sounds like. While I wait for the doctor to call me back, I effectively have one ear. With one ear, you can't tell where sound is coming from. Most importantly, I can ignore anything anyone says. Heh heh... Sorry - I didn't hear you (Dear).

Post-Election Libertarian Roundup

[burp]

WTF, d00dz?

Soooo demoralizing. No, I didn't expect to trounce both the megalomaniac and the senile dementoid, but our numbers....

I'm more agitated than yesterday. You know how I have this habit of speaking up and later discovering maybe I shouldn't have spoken up to that particular person because I didn't know he was Head Somethingorother or pregnant or something?   I kinda sorta let the head of the party know how I felt, almost partially by accident. It's not that my words weren't true.... I do a lot of verbalizing about the party, especially here. I know I converted all myo US readers to libertarians. [cough]. Plus my online outreach. You'd think I alone would have caused PA to go libertarian, instead of battleground. It occurs to me that I haven't taken my meds today. This is but one effect of not letting 3rd parties in the debates. The 2 existing parties work together here. Maybe Vermin Supreme was the right candidate.

• Coming to theaters (and hospitals) this holdiay season... the movie so dark, you thought it would never be made... it's Covid-20: Like 19 But One More.

I love when other countries have something to say.

Ok, no I don't.

Although, the lying Bottom-Wiping Bed-Wetting Iran Supreme Leader said "What a spectacle!" He said this from the nuclear weapons enrichment stockpile he doesn't  have. It's a shame he's not sitting close enough to the pile....

• How accurate are GPSes? I ask because Wife went to lunch and Restaurant is about 20' from shoe store. Do I even need a GPS?

Speaking of shopping by mail, we got another one of those weird calls from Hardly Quality Shopping Home Network, wondering if Mrs lefty was ok, because she didn't order anything yesterday or today. Penny hates the 6 days a week mailman, but stopped barking for UPS, if that's any indication. I picked up that I can't rush out of the house because there will be a few boxes on the top step and I don't fly down steps quite as well as I used to. 

I'm not as quick as I used to be either, so it took about a year to figure out the scheme: it all revolves around the phrase "I told you about that... it's for....". I told you about that, it's for Elvert's birthday, near Xmas. The first clue should have been that we know no one named Elvert. Last night I heard we're cutting way down on xmas gifts - mostly for the kids. I agree. Yet UPS still shows up every day.

I used to get boxes every day, waaaaay back when I thought I had a few spare dollars. I'd buy used guitar effects frequently, so they'd arrive almost daily. Apparently the plan was to sell the ones I wasn't crazy about. I was astounded that you could sell gear. I ... didn't know. It simply never occurred to me. So I think it's time to go shopping again, only this time with guitars.

• No, Honey, that's from the Guitar of the Month Club - I didn't order anything new
• if I order every guitar in black, maybe she won't be able to tell when I have a new black one...
• But I can't have a black one and not a blue one-it's like shoes
• blue is my favorite color, plus you can't buy any old top - you need curly maple. If you're going to do it, do it right
• Nah - that's an xmas gift for the boys - I told you about it.
• Yes, effects boxes are small, but I had the one I bought sent in a guitar-size package to protect it during shipping

I had a buddy who had an 'agreement' with his wife: he could buy a guitar or whatever he wanted, but she got the equal amount to spend on whatever she wanted. As a result, their house was empty - nobody bought a thing.

San Francisco, bastion of normalcy, just voted in a tax on highly-paid CEOs, who earn 100 times more than its average worker. It's time to leave the Peoples' Republic of San Francisco, if you haven't already. The Great Unwashed just decided it could randomly tax an employee because they didn't like how much he earned. In the America of old, CEOs could earn whatever they earned, without local interference. I don't personally like what some of these people make, but I shouldn't be allowed to enact a tax on them; they're private businesses. If I were a business, I'd get out of that place, right away, before they hear, "I think those people use too much toilet paper. We need to tax them."

Voting SJWs 

Exit polls point to the power of white patriarchy. Some people who have historically been oppressed will stand with their oppresssors.

Peak SJW Insanity?

The Witches star Anne Hathaway has promised to "do better" following the criticism the film has received for its portrayal of limb difference.  Comedian Alex Brooker and others with hand and arm impairments have accused the film of being insensitive towards disabled people.

Several of the next groups to begin screaming are people with hangnails, people too fat to sit in 1 airline chair, people without arm hair, people without nose hair, people whose nose hair cannot be braided, people whose dominant hand's nails grow too much faster than the other, the ambidextrous, people who like the smell of burnt popcorn, people who use turn signals (both of them), people who eat breakfast after 10:45, women whose breast cup size differs greater than 1 cup, men with 1 testicle, female children with no testicles who may one day identify as male, people with pencil lead allergies, men with small penises, 

Furthermore, all dead authors deemed to have written books with unfair references will be dug up and forced to rewrite their books. Lastly, nothing will be allowed to be funny if it has even the slightest appearance of targeting any person or group, per the Ministry of Fairness and All That Is Good.

• Interesting point on risk, touring, and bands by Frank Zappa

Don't Make Me Stop this Spaceship

 

So I'm sitting there, in a meeting. There are 27 other people in the meeting and we're getting nowhere. I'm starting to get edgy, and you know what that means: I've got the potato chip clips out and I'm attaching them to my balls. We can't even get people to agree on which problem is the actual problem. Meanwhile, there are 3 people telling the meeting owner what the actual problem is. They taught me right after I was hired not to say, "Hey, Jackass, do what I tell you. Stop talking like you know something." My head hurts, the phone is ringing, and I'm out of clips.

Your love is like  a barber who'd rather be a lumberjack

So this vote counting thing goes on and on. It's been delightfully peaceful, as if a hole suddenly opened up and all the assholes got sucked into it. 

In unrelated news, Antifa, BLM, the Proud Boys, and others have absolutely nothing to do. They're all sitting around, in the middle of the street, with empty signs and no motivation. There's nothing to do.

How about we march due to the high price of milk?

Nah, done it.

Protest the conditions in jails?

We did that last week.

I know... we can protest those people who protest and block streets!

But that's US! 

Oh. How bout the rising price of meat?

We're vegans.

How about we play baseball?

Do you seriously want any of us near bats? 

Man, this protesting stuff is hard. I know - we can block streets, protesting that there's nothing to protest!

You might have something there.

Yeah, we can be violently against slow vote counting, until it's time to get back to being anti-Trump.

We're PRO-Trump.

We are?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes - ask Cooper. His group is anti-Trump. Last week they smashed Trump Tower.

Then what are we?

We're PRO-Trump.

What do WE do?

Largely hang around, looking threatening, and occasionally beating one of those guys up.

Doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

No, it's not.

Well then why?

I don't know - we've just always done it.

Well how about this year, we ALL stay home and stop behaving like total assholes?

YEAH - HOW ABOUT IT? 

Not sure I'm getting this dog talking thing. Most dogs communicate pretty well with their owners. Penny does.

1. feed me
2. play with this damn ball
3. waiting for a treat, guys
4. in the CAR?!!!!
5. rub my belly
6. nite nite
7. that food you're eating sure smells good
8. I need to put my head out the car window and bark at things

Today I identify as  a tic-tac object, buzzing an aircraft carrier

The Space Shuttle is 20 years old. That's forever in technology.

Initially, the Russians came up, to interfere with the elections, and promote peace between our nations. 20 years later, President for Life Vladimir Putin is poking at us with subs and satellites. Such irony. 8" floppies, anyone? 

Speaking of lizards, watch out for frigid lizards falling from trees. You don't actually have to watch out for them - I just liked the title.

Although, 'Russia Sausage King killed in sauna with crossbow' is also pretty good.

• Got a relative in the service? Ask if they've ever seen something they can't identify in the air or water. I hear it was interesting on ships..   Do tell.

A pair of good samaritans interrupted a kidnapping in Philly. When I was very little, I wanted to know who these samaritans were. Were they a club? A religion? An offshoot of Russian Orthodox, coming to interfere in our elections?

Eventually I looked it up. This was much less shocking than hearing 'mass of Christian burial' as 'massive Christian burial'. It took years of therapy before I could even look at a Christian again.

• So in the Star Trek with John-Luke, is Q a forewarning of Q-Anon? 
• Millions of Trekkers have now validated their existence.

I hadn't seen a movie with Mom for a while, so I suggested a nice family movie - she picked The House of Screaming Death.

• India is urging people to consume sugar, because it's been overproduced. Sounds like an ideal vacation spot.

Do you know that the Australian Department of Foreign Affairs warned citizens against traveling to the US, in part due to anticipated violence around the election? Part of me is chuckling, the other part is laughing loudly.

• PA was a battleground state in the election, and the text spam was off the hook (so to speak). On election day, I was considering turning the phone off. I'm looking into call and SMS blockers and will advise. It was absolute insanity.
• Speaking of the election, the Divide and Conquer was working at a level never seen before. Families and marriages were in conflict. This was stupid on so many levels. I want to set an example, after the fact. I don't hate you because you voted differently than me... it just means you're mentally deficient and don't understand. But I would never hold that against you - you're my readers first, voters third. I would not pull a list of voters, which will soon be available, after a hack, and visit your houses. Since you've never seen me, it would be a hell of a shock. Fortunately, I'd never sit you down and explain why you voted incorrectly, or force you to listen to me sing a few renditions of "New Yawk, New Yawk." I will not poke your ears out or hit you with red-hot pokers from the fireplace. I promise never to bring Al Gore with me to talk to you on any subject at all, for what feels like hours at a time, but in reality is 3 minutes.  I wouldn't kick you off this blog and insist you go to a different, less sarcastic blog. I would not divorce you and claim you're no longer a ThermionicEmissions reader. I would not hurl any bodily fluids at your political signs, but insist everyone who put them up to take them down. I can't imagine pulling credit reports and messing with your ratings. My dog will not poop on your lawn, although she'll probably bark. I will not have your bank transfer any of your hard-earned money to an offshore account and put it into bitcoin, nor will I have your kids' school curriculum changed to all SJW, all the time. There will be no (new) scratches on your car, no (additional) adult toys in your bedroom, and no local government agencies to take your children because you're obviously an unfit parent.  It's about love, people.

• Speaking of love, Antifa and Black Lives Matter are in front of the White House, causing trouble, vowing to stay for weeks if Trump is re-elected. Because voting is apparently not enough. Again, I have a solution: let them fall in love and go off happy, to live their lives in bliss. This blog is about solutions. The important thing here is not to be mad at these groups... they're doing what they do. What would you think if you saw a lone Antifa or BLM member walking in front of the White House with a sign that said "It's a fair election and the will of the people"?

Philly and surrounding areas were literally boarded up, in case of violence. Fortunately it was a waste of lumber. 

• A guilty pleasure: Slade

The Flying AIDS is hitting middle-aged men disproportionally.

Damn virus is AGE-ist. Middle-age Lives Matter! 

• The making of Led Zeppelin IV

So it's lunchtime and I'm eating the Regular: alligator and anchovies, when I hear the requisite banging and power tool noise. The Loud Family moved out 5 months ago and I don't know where this is coming from. It used to be such a quiet neighborhood, til I moved in. I looked out and couldn't find the source of the noise. This is disconcerting... normally it goes on outside, so at least you can sit inside and bitch at the offending neighbor. It's scary too, because you never know what they're up to. There's the House that Took Over the Street, down the block, with 6 floors down and a panic room. At least you could hear them when they were excavating.  I think they're monitoring me for one of the letter agencies. The fact there's construction going on that we can't hear is most upsetting, because this might be an update, or a new House that Took Over the Street. There are no obvious taps on my electricity or phone lines, but that's coming. Next week they'll bring in the complex spy and tracking gear for the War Room. Since things are getting more and more... complicated.... it could be any of the Usual Suspects: CIA, NSA, FBI, DIA, Foreign Technology Desk, the Russians, or worse, the Democrats; the last 2 in preparation for the 2024 election. You know they'll deploy the normal tapping stuff, plug the thingy that listens to your conversations by pointing the laser at your window. The laugh is on them, when they hear the kids talking and the dog barking. There are people who say I'm paranoid. How can you not be paranoid, with all the letter agencies building underground spying bases to monitor you? Perhaps, in a historic moment of cooperation, like peace in the Middle East, the CIA house down the block is sharing information with the NSA house now being built. Remember: the wet boot flies at sundown, 

In unrelated news, the libertarians might be building a house soon too. The way things have been going, they'd put the basement up top and forget to build the rest. The last count I saw was .99% for Jo Jorgensen, which is a little less thani Gary Johnson, in 2020. The 2 main parties worked their magic to keep the libertarians out of the debates, which hurt, but we need to to better. Locally we did, but not by much. Let me put it to you this way: if you're standing on the debate stage with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, how can you not look like the voice of sanity? By the same token, if you were allowed on the debate stage with Joe Biden and Donald Trump.....

We need to do a better job. If Trump was voted in as the candidate of true change, they need to hear about our platform. I didn't expect us to win this race, but it was a poor showing, and it got worse when Pennsylvania literally took votes away from Jorgensen from one count to the next.

HAPPYs 

Delbert McClinton 80!

some mornings, it's best to go back to bed

I Got a Rock

Your love is like   a particularly toothsome bj

• lefty the food critic samples Pineapple Crush soda:
• lefty really enjoys Orange Crush. Even an occasional Grape Crush.
• However, the Pineapple Crush is to be strenuously and arduously avoided. It is a tremendous soda to find yourself on the other side of the world from. Pineapple held the promise of Mt Dew, but dropped it clumsily. This is not a soda to sit and quench - it is a soda to fire from rocket-propelled grenade launchers at Iran.

Today I identify as  dust. 27 years of dust.

Dear lefty 

• What's the greatest thing about watching pr0n at work?
• If your work VPN is set up correctly, you can't watch pr0n and have to use your personal system. 
• By the way, everywhere you go on the work computer is logged.

Now that Halloween's over, we're past the Halloween Boobies stage (although I doubt I'll be past any stage that has to do with boobies). Many many years ago, at my previous blogging platform, I got a bit free-associated and wound up with Halloween boobies, or something like that. All of the sudden, the platform sprung up with a new owner, unbeknownst to the bloggers. He got on a chat with me and made it clear he was not amused with Halloween boobies and that I'd never appear on the front page until I typed about Tech Stuff<tm>, like a good little blogger. The other owner agreed, to a non-assholic extent. Mind you, this was the first time anybody had said anything about my content, so I was a bit flummoxed. In fact, I submitted a sample of my content when I requested the blog.

Although I could have comfortably remained, never hitting the front page, collecting actual advertising money now and then, having a lot of dedicated readers and pull from the platform, it really got to me. I have never taken to that kind of nonsense in my entire life, and wasn't about to start then. So I once again shot myself in the foot and came to Blogspot/Google to make my home. I like it here. It's a good place for bloggers with tons of holes in their foot.

I never told the story, but it's been long enough. I believe the prior platform is completely dead now (and good luck to them). It probably failed because I left (and other fairy tales). Chief lefty talk big for blog with 25 hits per day.

Back of Chief lefty head itches. Not aliens this time. Chief confused. Chief want to be flummoxed but can't use word til next full moon.

• Look - I don't care what anybody says - I am not responsible for Emily Ratajkowski being knocked up.

As projected, there is a 2nd wave of the Flying AIDS

As you'd expect, there's a 2nd wave of supermarket hoarding

Not only are we stupid - we're incapable of learning.

More Philly 

The Philly DA mentioned the man who was shot by the police was in mental health crisis (while blaming Trump for it)..

Keeping in mind that I said non-lethal methods were called for, the man is claimed to have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder does not make you wave knives at police, and is nothing more than slander on people who also have the disorder.

It's Review Time at work. Knowing where I work, it's probably mid-year review. They work on this bizarre concept of the employee doing the review, and the boss laughing deciding if it's correct. This is the 2nd review this month.

Reliability: lefty reliably frightens his coworkers

Communication: lefty never fails to communicate, mostly when he shouldn't.

Initiative: because some of his teammates are dead weight, whenever lefty does something, it looks like initiative. Some of them need to be awakened to clock out.

Thinking: lefty is a pro at out-of-the-box thinking. In fact, we keep trying to get him to think inside the box every now and then.

Overall Rating: Outstanding. It's outstanding that he manages to show up at 9 every day. Even weekends.

Team Status: we're referring to him as unofficial team leader, so we don't have to pay him any more.

Apparently, no one told her.....

We were off, visiting a cousin, in God's Country. A really sweet woman I wish I'd met sooner. I heard stories of her hospitality... she even sent food home sometimes. Mrs lefty is out walking Penny, and Cousin walks up to me with a bottle (vodka?) and a straw. Damn, that's hospitality. I felt bad, telling her I don't really drink. So I laid out a few lines thanked her and we chatted. Penny loves her house - she can look out the window and sometimes see deer. Penny stands on the back of the couch, looks out the picture window, and barks at the deer. During the few moments she's not barking, she looks like a statue of a dog somebody put on the window sill. Cousin has some physical difficulties, so when she walks Penny, Penny behaves. I've never seen this before.

Call for Service....

In this shitty economy, providing service is what can get you by. 

Mrs lefty is goin visitin' again, and I need service.  Wait.. let me fix that... I need servicing... no, that's not it.. I could use somebody in the service industry. Screw it - I need a babysitter. I'm home with Penny, I'm not that demanding, and I can cook.

We're back to the Vice-Wife call. If the president cannot fulfill the duties of office, the vice president steps in. If my wife can't fulfill her duties of office, the vice wife can step in. I find this a perfectly good, sound legal concept. Naturally, my wife has a few questions. Someone has to entertain me when she's gone (and sometimes when she's home), hence vice wife. I thought it could be a low visibility effort, employing Sofia Vergara, Vanessa Hudgens, Linda Fiorentino, or the wife of our favorite pizza guy... I'm not picky.

Thus far, I have not gained assent on the part of my wife. She thought she'd be a smartass and get a vice husband. Fair is fair - I told her go ahead.... the only task I'm unwilling to fulfill is mowing the lawn. If he can take out the trash too, he's a hell of a service.

So Penny and I are alone for a few days. Unfortunately, Penny takes Mommy's absence very hard. She will literally stare out the front window, pining for her mommy, for days. Since it has done nothing but rain for the last week, I'll keep the shades closed - maybe she'll think the window went away. I want to activate the vice wife, per above, but haven't gotten the necessary legal paperwork signed, so it's just the dog, me, and a developing case of repetitive stress injury in my wrist. Hey - I've got it... do I have any attractive female blog readers? I will hire you to babysit. If Wife complains, I'll tell her there was a blog contest and you lost.

Of course I could sit and surf the Black Friday deals.

Yes, Black Friday.

I'm telling you - next year, Black Friday is the first Thursday after Valentine's Day.

In both a happy and the saddest news, New Zealand is allowing assisted dying for terminally ill people. It's the most humane thing to do. My only problem is 'allowing'. Why does the state have sovereignty over your body? We're all adults here, we can decide what we do with our bodies, what goes into them, and when we check out, right? Do we really need our governments having control of US?

Octopuses taste with their arms.

Big deal - I can juggle with my... never mind.

A dream since man could fly has been the flying car.

Considering how well we've done with auto-driven cars, I'd wait a bit longer...

Mind you, those would be some spectacular accidents clogging traffic on the way to work. People would have to get personal helicopters, just so they could rubberneck. Costs could be saved on ambulances, cuz you're not getting out of that crash alive. On the other hand, things would be worse if your parts fell on highways... talk about traffic....  "Route 95 is at a complete stop this morning due to a flying car crash. The crash was at 2,000' but the parts came down like rain. Some idiots in their cars have stopped and are looking up, in case anything else falls, while the rest of them are out of their cars, looking at the bits of airplane and bodies that have fallen on the road. Yes, I'd stay off 95 til at least next week. Meanwhile, the NTSB is examining the wreck and there is an additional traffic jam because it's being filmed for Aircraft Crash Investigation on the Discovery channel. The NTSB is out of their minds because people are taking selfies with body parts."

Flying AIDS News

Speaking of flying, Alaska Air is doing a buy 1 get 1 free sale. Other airlines say fare increases are coming. And naturally, studies can't agree on whether it's safer to fly or not, studying the flying Flying AIDS. I'd love to take a vacation; perhaps not to Alaska. If we were to fly out to somewhere nice and sunny, we'd just be taking our masks to a nicer place. No thanks.

How are Americans catching the virus? Increasingly, 'they have no idea.'

Once again, nobody has any idea. Seriously? 'Modern medicine'? Huge health organizations?

But let's get away from the election and the Flying AIDS: there were 21 trans candidates!(I lied). A swordsman in medieval clothing killed 2 in Quebec (so much for a friendlier country). And in an outcome nobody saw coming, a man was mauled by a leopard he paid to play with.  He learned his lesson and will never do that again - that leopard was huge and strong. Next week he'll be playing with a Black Widow spider.

The dog has become a tv critic. Whenever she jumps on the couch, she changes the channel. I don't blame her, so I moved the remote. Now if she'd just stop moving the mouse.. she makes the laptop do things I can't make it do.

I realize this is going to sound odd, but if that bothers you, you wouldn't be reading this blog... ransomware thieves are targeting hospital and healthcare facilities. Folks, can't you stay out of the places where you can cause death? You've already killed one woman in Germany - why do you need to raise the stats? It's not reasonable for us to suggest you stop completely, but it could be your mother in the emergency room, being turned away because of ransomware. That's how the woman in Germany died.

Tuna and Peanut Butter Chili

 

Your love is like  picking a hayride, on a blind date, only to discover you're allergic to hay.

We seem to be having a sports war on tv. We know I'm not a sports guy, but if you've been in front of the Idiot Box at all, you know it's Medicare Open Season. This is the time of year when people are allowed to shoot Medicare recipients. We've been watching the Joe Namath Network, wherein every 5 minutes, Joe pops up on a commercial, talking about Medicare. After 30 or 40 of these, you've about had it, when you notice a commercial featuring Joe Thiesman talking about Medicare. If you watch carefully, you'll eventually catch a commercial featuring Mike Ditka talking about Medicare. It's a full blown Medicare Football Riot. As best I can tell, if you go with a different Medicare insurer, you get free hernia checks, free rides to free hernia checks, and 4 free colonoscopies per year, as well as your choice of Joe Namath, Joe Thiesman, or Mike Ditka. I'd go with Joe Namath, because he's like 94, with jet black hair and new teeth.

lefty's Guide to Voting Machines 

If you haven't mailed off your absentee ballot and you are keen to get out there and vote, you'll need to understand the machines. They're very simple, and I want to make them less simple for everybody, so they can get out there and stay out there a little longer... like a patriotic pain you need to keep touching, even though you shouldn't:

• the R button: indicates the vote was influenced by the Russians
• the F button: similar to the R button, it indicates you get your voting information from Faceyspaces, and shouldn't be allowed near a voting machine
• the C button: shows you stand out from the crowd and get your voting information from China instead of Russia
• the M button: indicates you're part of a Minority group and your vote should count more. It does nothing, but makes you feel (More) superior
• the BLM button: also does nothing, but everything seems to have BLM on it somewhere, and we can't afford to have our polling place burned down please
• the L button: informs the machine's developers you want a left handed voting machine next time - Left Handed Lives Matter
• the Fo button: it's not what you think.. it asks why there's no Food in this here jawn- at least I get a donut when I give blood
• the D button: this is all a bad Dream
• the S button: I don't understand why people are voting for that guy - they're all Savages
• the SP button: could you please change the language to English - I don't know Spanish
• the K button: Kill everyone who doesn't vote like me
• the W button: WTF am I doing here? Why didn't I mail my ballot? I could have stayed home with Wine
• on the way out, there's the FA button: it tests you for the Flying AIDS

Waymo and Daimler vow to bring self-driving trucks to American highways

You'll notice they're not bringing them to Germany, home of Daimler. It should be a real blast on the Autobahn.

The beauty of a self-driving truck is that you don't have to worry about getting out alive if it hits you. 

Today I identify as a hornswagglin' sidewinder

• There's a new site called Blacklight, which will tell you which trackers a site uses. Just put in the site's url and go. Check out a few of your favorite sites.

Think about this:

The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) received almost 2 million complaints from Americans regarding illegal robocalls during the first nine months of 2020.

and this... 

the FTC brought roughly 150 enforcement actions against over 500 companies and 400 individuals since the National Do Not Call Registry started accepting registrations 17 years ago.

It's getting so bad, my service elephant, Iqbal, is getting depressed because he misses the guitar stores too. Even just a mall...

• Here's an important announcement about diabetes: don't get it

We all have that morning: the one where the alarm goes off and you scream like you're in a horror movie. This morning I was dreaming and the alarm went off. It's not like I was having the Vanessa Hudgens dream, or the one where Jimmy Page and I were jamming onstage... it was just a dream. Then the alarm went off, followed by The Scream. It didn't bother Mrs lefty, who puts up with a lot worse on a normal basis. I think I have added power sawing to my sleep talents. This is kinda sad, as I can't do it when I'm awake.

Everybody's stomach growls, even mine. Mine, however, has taken to making noises that don't sound like growls, and it's a bit worrisome. Sometimes it sounds like a cat. We haven't had a cat for a long time. Sometimes almost like a device notification sound. I work with approximately 10 devices that make notification sounds, so that's a bit hairy... I have to keep looking around for which one made that noise.

Oh.

My stomach, like the rest of me, is a wiseass. It's making noises to throw me off and annoy me. It can almost do actual words. You know this is about to become a problem... like a parrot, but with an evil sense of humor....

HER: Are you hungry?

ME: A bit, yes.

STOMACH: MAKE. FOOD. WOMAN.

HER: Huh?

ME: I'm sorry, remember I told you about my stomach? Like everything else in this house, it has a sense of humor.

HER: What do you think we should have?

ME: I was thinking of making something with chicken and vegetables.

STOMACH: BURGERS. BITCH. With BACON.

HER: That was funny the first 23 times.

ME: It's not like I control it.

HER: Sometimes I wonder. Well, it started something - now the kids are screaming for bacon burgers too. You better get at it. Heh heh.

STOMACH: COOKING. WOMAN. JOB.

DOG: Yes - Mommy Mommy Mommy makes it better!

HER: You shut up or no more shrimp treats. Since when do you talk?

DOG: Since you said bacon burgers.

ME: So, I'll just cook the bacon burgers, shall I?

EVERYBODY: YAY!

STOMACH: NOW.

Can't I just be weird in more... normal.. ways?

• To my cousins across the Atlantic: Police will enter homes and break up Christmas dinners if families break lockdown rules - and there will be riots, predicts police commissioner.
• This obviously didn't come from the police. Further, how can they suspect this is going on in a closed house?
• If I were you, I wouldn't want to hear 'but it's for the children' or any other common excuse: once this draconian legislation goes into effect, it won't be repealed. Perhaps some sort of (well-behaved... you're British, you know) riot would be in order.

OH F-CK.... Beverly Hills will close Rodeo Drive on election day and the next day. Well, that about does it. After a long day socially distancing and paying somebody else to vote for you, one needs to go shopping. Rich people will riot! The rest of us will shout, "ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A T-SHIRT?" like we always do.

Ghislane Maxwell, buddy and part time sperm depository for Jeffrey Epstein, is being strip-searched every 3 hours to prevent a suicide attempt.

That's a rather unique way to deal with a suicidal inmate. Whether you're at the Happy Place<tm> or elsewhere, on suicide watch, someone checks on you every 15 minutes. They must be incredibly serious about Miss Maxwell. Quite frankly, I like this method of avoiding suicide. And hunger. And itchy nose. ThermionicEmissions obtained a copy of the guards' log for the other day:

Noon: strip search, results negative except for fancy bra, evaluating for hanging risk

3:00pm: strip search, results negative except for lacy panties, evaluating for hanging risk.

3:05: turned off all prison video systems to save money

3:10: moved Prisoner Maxwell to random cell, with 100% soundproofing

3:15: extended dinner on Long Island. We locked the prison up, didn't we?

7:00: strip search, results negative, requests tampon, must evaluate strangulation risk, blood on floor - call medics

7:05: turn off electricity to wing to save money

7:10 moved prisoner Maxwell to random cell

7:15 prisoner Maxwell complains about video camera not working, piano wire on door, rope coming from ceiling. Assured her it's Standard Operating Procedure with suicide risks. Told her that because she's built up so much trust, we were extending strip search to 12 hours between. Prisoner Maxwell passed out - call medics.

 

 

• A security guard was stabbed 27 times after asking 2 sisters to wear masks
• I could be wrong, but I don't think they wanted to wear masks 

My coffee company just notified me they're making the boxes smaller, from 16 cups to 10 cups, to streamline my experience. To go all Twitter on them, WTF is even streamlining my experience? My coffee experience is opening the box, putting the cup in the coffee maker, then drinking it. How does this need to be streamlined, and can it be streamlined? I mean, if Julia Roberts were to start the machine, that would be lovely, but I'm not sure that qualifies as streamlining. If Julia were to make the coffee and bring it to me, that would count as streamlining, but the coffee company did not offer this: they just reduced the cup count from 16 to 10. Since this did not really streamline my experience nor involve Julia Roberts, perhaps I need to rethink my coffee purchasing.... and they need to rethink their definition of streamlining...

It's not National Suicide Prevention Month, officially, but it's always suicide prevention time. Every 30-some seconds, somebody commits suicide. Talk to someone - the fact is you don't have to feel this way. Suicide Hotlines, vet hotlines, city or county mental health, family, priest or similar, friends, hell - email me if you're really stuck.

it might be time to re-evaluate your work choices

Bothering the Lemurs in April

 

Water.

On the moon?

Yes, NASA seems to have located it.

I have no idea what I'm talking about, but that never stopped me. Why not earlier? We sent a few humans there. There were tests. I'm not making this into a conspiracy, just wondering. It lives on the poles, where it's bloody cold; not in the sun, where it evaporates. Once again, we crashed something into the Moon to test for it. We have a nasty history of crashing things into the Moon, including an actual explosive device.

I'm telling you, it's the aliens screwing with us. They have a delightfully odd sense of humor. But any passing aliens would take one look at the Moon and say the Earth lifeforms were using it as target practice.

Also found on the Moon were hot showers (inside), a whole fleet of land yacht Chevys, ice cold YooHoo, a museum of old washing machines, and Steve Wozniak, who lives there part time. Decent wifi is being provided by Elon Musk, called MuskCast. There is a growing call for Bill Gates to emigrate permanently, perhaps to a planet further out.

• Mummified llamas

Your love is like  water on the Moon - it evaporates in the sun

• According to analyst firm Gartner, IT should behave like a jellyfish: without a central brain.
• According to IT, they're the way they are because the users have no brain
• I like the idea: jellyfish have a very painful sting that can cause heart attack in people who are allergic to them.

Hey - ya know... that election thing is coming up. So.. uh... do whatever it is you're supposed to do, ok?

HOW TO VOTE 

Voting is easy, provided you know how before going in.

To make sure the machine is ready for your vote, it must be cleared. In order to clear the machine, pull the lever that says Libertarian, and you're all set.

• Reese Witherspoon is talking about a potential political run
• I'm interested in what she has to say, provided she drops by and tries to convince me. Or sends Emilia Clarke.

German Authorities Want to Implement DNS Blocks Against Major Porn Sites

German politicians (need I say more) have decided 'it's for the children' and are insisting on a plan that would require people to send pics with age verification for a few large pr0n sites. It's really sad that the populace sits still for this nonsense. It's also ineffective, as people will just go to smaller sites, which may be anti-competitive and is the smart move anyway. Another chip in the steady creep for your rights and for internet censorship.

• A dispute over a $1 million outdoor sculpture has a millionaire blasting 'Gilligan's Island' song on loop to torment neighbor.
• This would be tremendous here, but the Crazy Lady is mostly deaf.

Philly Comes Alive: after the shooting of a knife-wielding man, Philly's peaceful rioters emerged from their hiding places, peacefully looting minority-owned businesses and injuring 30 policepersons. And they ran over a female police sergeant. Peacefully. A few peaceful explosions at ATMs were reported. Although Idiot Mayor viewed the video, Philadelphia Police said they cannot imagine where they put it but it will turn up eventually.

Err..... I wasn't there and didn't see the incident, but don't police carry tasers?

In other news, The Philadelphia District Attorney's Office stated they reviewed the video that could not be located, and pronounced the city not guilty. In still further news, the mayor continues to personally negotiate with the hordes of homeless illegally occupying part of the city since last year. Although the mayor acknowledged the racism inherent in the system, the homeless refused to move. Mayor is looking into promising them all free furnished apartments, but the homeless state the city owes them more, and are demanding a free income, luxury vehicles, private schooling for their children and pet-walking services.

• The Philadelphia Mayor's Office announced that no People of Color would be arrested for anything at all, because it's racist.

Today I identify as  a lemur who plays guitar - hopefully they're better than the human ones

Russian interference in the election continues, with the discovery that with each voting machine, we get a free Russian.

Hoping for peaceful resolution, Armenia and Azerbaijan agree to ceasefire, Secretary Pompeo says. The Democratic National Committee demands Trump be removed from office ASAP, before more peace breaks out.

Good Blog News 

I discovered that the comments section is not broken. It was just cleverly hidden from me and there are hundreds of comments awaiting: all spam.

TV Show? 

I wanna be involved with tv. Not anything hip, now, and fly... no.. I want to do one of those Highway to Heaven shows, but more of a Slideway to Hell kinda thing. Although the producers have done very little yet about talking to the Big Man about bringing Michael Landon (Eugene Orowitz) back to star, I'm forging ahead with plans. Instead of traveling the land, doing tremendous good for people, our hero will travel the land, poking balloons, skewering sacred cows, and taking pictures of politicians and their 'secretaries'.

Mrs lefty, bless her, said I should guest star, maybe as the star's evil henchman, but I'm too ugly for radio, no less tv. Even one of those long henchman coats won't help (unless I wear it over my head).

Dear lefty  

• How are you feeling about the election?
• I expect it to be the most recent election ever 

Reverb is the Ebay for musical instruments. They have this feature that lets you know when someone bids on something you're watching. They just sent me an email to let me know someone bid on the $150,000 1954 1st left handed Fender Telecaster ever made. I guess I better get bidding.

I told you to watch out for the chip...

What Do You Mean We Haven't Flattened the Curve?

Your love is like a brief, 3 week virus that lasted a year

The Pope, a lightning rod lately, for his stance on gay marriage, is a great civil rights supporter and just hired his first black cardinal. Cardinal Twenny Five Cent said that he was proud to be at this place at this time in history, and greatly looked forward to performing the duties of his office, if the pope would ever tell him what they were. He stated that we're all one color and wanted to stress this in his teachings, if his job required teachings.

The Pope, a great civil rights supporter, ordered a celebratory dinner of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape soda. Cardinal Twenny, as well as the rest of the Vatican, was aghast.

The cardinal doesn't expect to be in office very long, once the pope discovers he doesn't like little boys.

Today I identify as  artificial sweetener

Russian interference into the upcoming election continues. The data on every American voter is available on a Dark Web site, but no one can afford it.

Dear lefty 

• Any election predictions?
• one guy will win, the others will lose
• people will be very angry, claiming shenanigans for 25 years to come
• sheep and babies will be nervous
• Trump will claim victory regardless, Biden will claim it's a good night for a colonoscopy
• there will be uncomfortable moments, when voters air their grievances; half with pitchforks, half with AR14s.

HIM and HER

HER: You know, I've been waiting 2 years for you to put together this noisemaking sculpture for the front yard.

HIM: 2 years huh?

HER: 2 whole years.

HIM: Maybe there's a reason.

HER: Like what?

HIM: I don't want yet another noisemaker in the front yard and I'm trying to spare the neighbors.

HER: Aw, but it's beautiful and sounds wonderful.

HIM: That's what you said about the last 17 of them.

HER goes out, probably shoe shopping. 

HIM figures he'll score a few points by assembling the hideous noisemaking sculpture that he hasn't put together for 2 years. Maybe he'll get a bj out of it (he's reaching for the stars).

HIM secures all the parts, some larger than the car, and way louder. There sure are a lot of parts to this. He spreads them all over the floor so he can put the thing together. Ummm... there are no instructions, not even IKEA instructions. There's not even a picture so he knows what it's supposed to look like.

HER: Ooooh! Thank you so much for putting together my sculpture!

HEM: Well, let's say I tried. There are no instructions. Not even a picture on the box.

HER: Oh, that's because I put them away.

HIM: You put them away?

HER: Yeah, I didn't want them to get lost.

HIM: Like they are now?

HER: I have them somewhere. I just have to look.

HIM: Had you considered, maybe, putting them with the actual parts themselves? The Space Shuttle can't miss those parts.

HER: I have a system. 

HIM: And how's that workin' out for ya? Well, don't say that I held this up.

• The state of South Australia is the first in the world to be 100% solar energy-supplied
• Obviously, a war is near.

If I had personalities, they'd be at war right now. More and more, I'm trying to cut out some of the more extreme negativity and just use my own (there's enough to power small planets). Yesterday I went to watch one of my favorites, Richard Dolan, and came across a real winner. Regrettably, I have to recommend this. I don't know how this guy sleeps, with all the territory he covers, and the information he comes up with.

CBP Refuses to Tell Congress How it is Tracking Americans Without a Warrant

Hubris like this belongs to Microsoft and Apple. This is your government, you're paying for it, and it feels it doesn't have to tell you things. Why is Customs and Border Patrol tracking Americans? Imagine what the other departments aren't telling you...

Is It Possible that our governments are forward-thinking and not filled with  complete idiots?

Plans were made to give early shots to Santa Clauses.

Nope, not possible.

Asian giant hornets can wipe out a colony of honeybees in hours. The first colony was discovered in the US, and taken out with a vacuum hose. As is government today, one of them was fitted with a tracking device.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, the mayor said that it's racist to kill Asian giant hornets and they have sanctuary in Philly, along with the illegal aliens. He said the Asian bees are smarter than the American bees because they study harder and the American bees are fat and lazy.

• Louisiana Calls Out National Guard to Fight Ransomware Surge
• is it possible Louisiana has had one too many floods? 

Blood 

The strangest thing happened today: the doctor's office called. This was an actual medical professional, not the guy who vacuums the cobwebs from the door frames. My results from 3 days back were in: I'm dead. I should not be walking around with my blood the way it is. They're sending a meat wagon to the house later today.

Mrs lefty tried to look upset and asked veiled questions about sufficient life insurance.

Penny will not like it when Backup Mom goes away.

I have mixed feelings. If you try to live by logical principles, this dead thing does not square with actual life. Would I be blogging from beyond the veil? Would Mrs lefty hear when I speak? Would City Council continue to ignore me?

Online folks would say, "Oh, I knew he was dead a long time ago" or "His tweets have lacked that living thing lately." 

The only truly sad person would be the pizza guy. I tithe to him. 

In spite of my lack of living state, the doctor would like to see me, either to pronounce me dead or to touch me. I'm not touched by my wife, no less a physician. On the bright side, it would not be a telemedicine visit. Cuz I'm not going to telemed anymore, even dead.

• I am not trying to be That Guy, but I'm wondering how differently kids will grow up, with all the information at their fingertips. Technology will be automatic to them, and the answer to every question will be a search away. This beats the hell out of having to go to the [gasp] library. How will the kids be different? Will they be intellectually stupid? Will they be advanced? Will they still use Google?

A man stole a bulldozer and ran down Biden signs.

Although I prefer tanks, the ballot box is still up - stop being an ass....

• Multiple witnesses notice strange lights over Hawaii sparking UFO frenzy
• can we stop the information hoarding already? 

Happys 

Bootsy Collins

Jon Anderson - Yes

Chad Smith - RHCP, Chickenfoot

Bill Wyman - Rolling Stones

Bye Byes 

Paul Barrere - Little Feat - the end of several eras

Jack Bruce