Your Mother is a Catalytic Converter

Your love is like   a nice nail through the scrotum

Where's that 4 cup coffee maker glass carafe?

On the floor, by the bathroom sink.

Where's that 4 cup coffee maker?

Check the left rear wheel well of the older car.

Today I identify as  spackle

Much as it hurt, I had to go into work the other day.

When I have to play with huge racks, servers, and appliances, I start to question many things, including my parentage, my hands, and how I wound up doing this. As we know, anything worth doing is worth doing from home, preferably from a comfortable couch.

Your server room is ideally well-cooled and not always well-lit. The fans for cooling make it sound like the arctic, and it's so loud, you can barely hear the snow storms. You might want to look like a miner, with the flashlight on your head so you can blind anyone near you. This will help you see your work, plus you get the joy of burning out the retinas of your coworkers. If people like to call you, you might want to let them know all you'll hear is the wind - not your phone. This is handy even if you can hear your phone, in that people won't bother you.

Unfortunately, this also leaves out important calls, like Wife calling, to see what to order for me from the Chinese restaurant. This turned into a calamity of errors. It's so loud, I can't hear my phone ring. So I'm shoulder-deep in the rack, and I start hearing voices. I began to wonder if I needed medicine. Then I remembered my phone is set to auto-answer Wife, then put her on speaker. Phew. So she's waffling along, probably unaware she's talking to my pocket, but hearing an arctic windstorm (if she's even listening - wives are like that). So I somehow manage to pick up the phone and yell, "HELLO? HELLO? HELLO?" then hang up and call back (sometimes). I ask what was so important and she verifies what I want from the Chinese place. Stunned, I explain where my hands just were, and remind her I don't like Chinese food and why was this so important. We only discuss this frequently, which explains why she doesn't know what I want. I don't even want to look at anything called a rangoon. Shaking my head is dangerous because I might hit something (and hurt the device).

My task was to install some cards in some devices. 

This is really simple, even if I've never done it before, and worried me not. This was also my first mistake. In order to install the cards, the device must come out of the rack. Suffice it to say this took a small army of skilled (and non-skilled) coworkers. Once I had access, I discovered the instructions were for two other models, so I was on my own. I have no fear, which most say is a really bad trait,  so off I went. The first task is getting the box open. Not as simple as it sounds, because the manufacturers like to hide the screws behind hardware, under labels, and across the street.

Once inside the bugger, I had to call my contact because there were four places to put the new card, two of which already had Things there. My contact was not helpful, like the PVS guy. He wanted the operation to go as smoothly as possible, which meant he didn't want to be involved. So first he tells me to replace the old card. How am I supposed to know which one is the old card? The new card is the wrong size, so he tells me to put it wherever it will fit. This started the internal alarm bells - IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT. When anybody tells you to just shoehorn it in there, wherever it will fit, it might be time to RUN. 

So we put the fifty pound (30 grams Canadian) boxes back, plugged them in, and observed the lack of sparks or smoke. The smoke is important, because everything runs on Magic Smoke<tm>. If you let the Magic Smoke out, the device no longer works. 

Four hours (15.7 litres) later, I left the ten minute job, thirsty, sore, and hungry. I would have to pick lunch up on the way home, because I don't do rangoons.

Having recently passed Valentine's Day, I began reflecting.

From when I was little, every year on V-Day, I got a card and candy from my mom. I never thought I'd miss it, but I didn't get a card or candy from my mom. She's not really together, due to the dementia. I was never really crazy about the card, but this is the first year I miss it.     [see Dementia page]

Flying AIDS News 

How to interpret the CDC’s new mask guidelines

43% of Americans—140 million—have had COVID, CDC estimates

How omicron’s mutations make it the most infectious coronavirus variant yet

No More Silence - suppressed information about vaccine reactions

Executive-level FDA official recorded on hidden camera saying annual COVID shots expected

• How's my day going? I woke up at 5am, thinking my alarm had gone off.

You watch the news. Some poor woman had to bury her son. It's the worst kind of pain.

She begs for justice for her son. The shooter is caught and tried, and the mother has closure.

I don't think there's any such thing as closure. It's a myth. There is nothing in the world that will ease the mother's pain. If 'closure' helps her, I'm all for it. But I don't believe it does a thing, other than make news.

Fitbit has pulled a Tesla and recalled all of its watches because the batteries can burn the wearer. This is in addition to all of your data going upstream. Fitbit - Just Don't.

• Putin saw America has become weak under Biden
• he refuses to recognize the diversity...

Always late to the party: RIP Gary Brooker, the voice and piano behind Procol Harum (Whiter Shade of Pale). I believe he was the last original member. Procol also gave us Robin Trower. Gary's voice was very distinctive, as were his lyrics. Here's one of my favorites - A Salty Dog

I still laugh when somebody says 'coq au vin.' It's a fancier-sounding fart joke.

• Russian space agency says hacking satellites is an act of war
• this from the country that threatened to crash the ISS into the US 

Sleep is weird for me. The more I get, the worse I feel.

I needed a nap after work. These can range from the Power Nap of 20 minutes to the Power Nap of 3 hours. I knew something was up when I was followed to bed by Wife. No, THAT wasn't going to happen... it had to be something else. As I was falling off, I heard BANG and RUSH and HISS. 

It's Nap Time.

BANG CRASH

It's still Nap Time.

BANG WHOOSH

Could you possibly make those noises after I wake up?

I'm looking for my wallet.

Didn't you find that last night?

I lost it again.

Wallet losing should be a sport, don't you think? You could lead the country to some seriously-needed Olympic golds.

It's not up here.

Before you re-route the local train through here, could I have a nap?

Oh, sorry. I'll look downstairs.

• Amazon Alexa can be hijacked via commands from own speaker
• I'm sure they're good for something... 
• Oh yeah, Amazon eavesdropping 

Bridge Over the River Teeth

 

Your love is like  a quick dip in molten iron

• I sure picked a bad week for my Ukraine vacation

And speaking of family, I was always the black sheep. This is ironic, as I'm about as pasty white as they come. There are many areas of me that have never seen the sun. Since you have to eat eventually, I shall not mention which ones they are. In any case, I discovered at a young age that I didn't have to go to events with the family. Since I'm only 95% bastard, I wondered what everyone would think of me. After a few years, I realized this whole scheme worked out for me. No, really. Because when I showed up, they were even happier to see me. I became valuable for my rarity, like an SJW admitting they were wrong about something. It got even worse, much to the chagrin of my parents and wife: people accepted and celebrated my lack of presence... "Oh, lefty's his own person... we respect him for it." One could argue they celebrate my lack of presence because they don't have to look at me, but I'm not going there today.

They're not bad people.  I am.

Today I identify as  Black History Month

I got up this morning and looked out the window to see which distinct shade of gray it was outside. The prase "abject misery" presented itself. It's a fairly good description, I think; Abject Misery Gray, with everything frozen. My first email brought the news that an a dear friend lost a pet and an old coworker lost her life. Abject Misery, indeed.

I suspect all this misery can be traced to getting out of bed. I should avoid it.

Heading football and head impacts ‘change blood patterns in brain’

Next studies: 

• Guns fired through heads bad for brains.
• Grass green, sky stubbornly remains blue.
• Air useful for breathing
• Politicians suspected of being crooked

A National Vaccine Pass Has Quietly Rolled Out – And Red States Are Getting On Board

No, that's just conspiracy theory.

But the CDC cut mask recommendations.

They'd never do that!

Told you so.

BUT WAIT!!!!

Govt suggests Brits should hand passports to social media companies

Flying AIDS News 

Catching a flight? You’ll still need a mask despite the CDC’s new guidance.

Pfizer, Moderna and Other Drugmakers Make Billions Responding to Covid-19 Pandemic

Covid-19 is killing more people now than during most of the pandemic. Here's who's still at risk

The COVID-19 pandemic is not an on-off switch

How Taiwan used simple tech to help contain Covid-19

 

Vaccines: What we know about long-term safety now

CDC issues new guidance on mask use

My appeals to readers to tell their friends about the blog have failed.

I have another idea. I call it The Other Idea. I ask the readers to tell their friends NEVER to read this blog, and send them the url (https://leftystrat.blogspot.com)

Sheer. Marketing. Genius.

Windows: It's not an operating system, it's a virus 

This morning the work system couldn't find my account. The same account I shut down the computer with the previous evening. It ate up thirty minutes of time. Again, I don't do anything to the computer except work. I have no interest in Windows and the computer is so locked down, I couldn't do anything if I wanted to. I think it senses my feelings and is giving me grief just for fun.

Workmates just laugh at me now, moreso, when this happens. The other day the Boss got nailed with a series of reboots. That's some validation fer ya.

Just so the morning shouldn't be totally lost, I was unsubscribed from a mailing list, for reasons the list owner can't figure out, and some of the work boxes are on Slowdown. I don't bother asking anybody, because they'll just tell me, "I dunno. Works fine for me."

• Twenty seasons of Americans Idle
• is there anything we can do to redeem ourselves?
• while also dumping The Masked Furry? 

Unlike my brother, who cannot brush his teeth if his electric toothbrush isn't charged, I'm good regardless, with one minor exception: when there is no toothbrush. Sometime between last night and this morning, my toothbrush disappeared. I looked all around the areas it might be... kitchen, attic, car trunk, but nothing. No ransom note. No coupons for different brands. But it ain't over til I ask Wife. Perhaps she found a more 'logical' place for it, like the basement. Or inside a tire. The only problem I foresee is that she has the memory of... an acid fanatic who dissociates. She will remember she put it somewhere, but not where. This is why I have a closet with four electric toothbrushes at any time. For extreme emergencies. I have ten regular old toothbrushes buried under the house, but I don't tell her where. 

I asked where's the weirdest place you had a pimple.

No one answered.

Today I located one on the inside of my antitragus. Then I had to look up 'external ear parts' to find the name of the place. If there's one thing they don't teach you in public school, it's the names of the external ear parts.

As to how I discovered the pimple... that's classified.

I used to see weird stuff on tv, like old movies with small towns, where everyone knew you and all service was personalized. Not sure how it happened, but we have one or two small businesses (that haven't been killed by the Flying AIDS), with great local service. Turns out we like it. Phone calls to let us know something might be expensive, to let us know doctor finally got around to calling, or would we like another medicine that is due at the same time. Penny's vet, formally Marshall's vet, where we walk in and everyone stops what they're doing to say hi to Penny. I wasn't ready for it, but now wouldn't want to be without it. At Christmas. we take treats in for the staff of these places. I would not have survived small town life, as they'd probably be too curious about the tank on my front lawn, but this seems like a good mix. Plus I always send out my Good Will Ambassador, Mrs. lefty, who everyone loves. 

If I were ever in a small town, I'd need one with diagonal parking in front of the stores. You know.. where there are a bunch of stores in a strip and parking out front. Instead of pulling straight in, the parking spots are diagonal. I cannot tell you why I like this but I feel I need to have it. The only problem would be that every time I parked, some ass with a huge SUV would park next to me, so I couldn't see oncoming cars as I backed out. This is kind of a metaphor for life.

• The US and UK will never truly be equal until we settle the asshole/arsehole thing

Russian space chief says he could let International Space Station crash into US if sanctions proceed

Well, aren't we all goofy today?

We'll crash all the Russian spy satellites into Russia

We'll cut off their toilet paper 

We'll send them Russian language Windows.

Look at that.

What?

That.

What?

Those old train tracks.

What about them?

They were part of the Underground Railroad

Did your mommy get any experimental shots before you were born?

• Sperm Banks Struggle to Recruit Black Donors and Other Donors of Color
• Can I donate? I identify as black sometimes. Black babies with no sense of rhythm will probably tip them off...

Black History Month has ended.

Still no Left Handed History Month 

Apple is said to be working on a foldable MacBook/iPad hybrid device

Easier to get in the trash receptacle...

This is fast becoming the Apple Fanboi Blog

Because this is day 9 of the week, the sugar has been moved.

Because the sugar has been moved, I can't find it.

Because I can't find the sugar, my coffee is not drinkable.

Because I also can't find Wife, the sugar will not be discovered this morning.

In the fridge, there is no flavored creamer to sweeten the coffee up.

Except coconut. And pumpkin spice.

Like I said, there is no flavored creamer to sweeten the coffee up.

Strangely, there are some cold frapuccinos.

So now my coffee is cold and sweet, but at least it's not bitter.

And I have created a wormhole in time and space by using coffee to sweeten coffee.

• Mark Zuckerberg Says He Is ‘Aware’ He Will Die Someday, Discusses Meaning of Life
• c'mon Lord Zuck - you will never die. We're just hoping to get abort your baby.

UPDATE on Spices: the spices wound up across the kitchen, but the garlic moved within reach. And then it moved again, possibly across the kitchen, but I don't know. When I asked, the bay leaves appeared, which were of no help to anybody. The allspice showed up too, but nobody ever uses allspice, nor knows what it is. We seem to have acquired some of those spice rack thingies that look like steps. Oddly, I know where they are, which of course is not where the spices are.

I am thinking of chugging the vanilla extract and being done with it.

I will need some sort of intercom-like device to track down Wife whenever I need to find something. Let's see... like... I know - a phone!  Oh wait, she never knows where her phone is. Back to the drawing board.

Four rescue dogs since we've been in the house, Penny being the latest. Since she was a stray, we have no idea what's up with her. The only problem we ever had was her going NUTS and trying to eat other dogs. Now there's another: sometimes she barks at me when I get into bed. Or when something falls and makes a noise. Or when I get mad. This is a problem, because I wake up mad. Somebody use to abuse her. This angers us.  Must be weird to get a dog from a responsible breeder, with no built-in issues. This way you're free to cause your own issues.

I had to pick something up from the drug store that rhymes with PVS.

Unfortunately the store only existed in reality, not online. The store maps show there are a lot of stores, just not there, or within ten miles of there. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but I drive past this store 3 days a week. My hallucinations, while pretty good, do not generally pull up an entire drug store, down to the OPEN TIL signs, a few handicapped parking spots, and the handicapped workers.

So I figured I'm going to trust in reality and that they haven't demolished the store in the past few hours. I'm guessing on their hours. And according to their site, although the store isn't there, they carry the product I need. We're down to quantum mechanics and I desperately need Mr. Spock. Or Stephen Hawking.

And when I say they carry product I need, I mean they don't have the product I need. I spent a while looking for it, because of my incredible ability to not see things in front of me. When I was certain it was not there, I decided to try my luck with someone on staff. Their staff is usually a pleasure. Unfortunately, I got Dave. Dave actually teaches a PVS course in How Not To Get Out from Behind the Register, or help anyone, without actually seeming to be unhelpful.

ME: Hi, I'm looking for this product, what I have here on my phone, in living color.

CASHIER: Yes, that will be in aisle 4.

ME: Thank you, I was just there, but couldn't find it.

CASHIER: Oh, we're out of it.

ME: No, you don't even have a spot for it

CASHIER: Oh, then we don't carry it.

ME: Oh, that's a shame. Your website shows it.

CASHIER: Maybe we don't carry it here. Other PVSes might have it.

ME: Thank you, Dave. You're really good. Do you have any bridges you'd like to sell me? Have a good night.

Dave is a Retail God. If I told him I had a birthday cake personalized for him, with candles, Dave would say he didn't have any matches. If Godzilla came down the street, turning the store on its side, Dave would still be there, anchored at his register. There is only one thing that will move Dave, and that's the closing bell.

SO, I can call every PVS in the area, go to PVS Online and pray it's the right product, even though it has the same name and price, or go to Amazon. It wouldn't be a big deal, but I need it asap to prevent Spousal Wars, and the new M15s have just arrived. And the heat-seeking lasers.

The Secret Word is a Secret

 

Your love is like  Crunchy Frog

One of the (internal) kids informs me there's a site called 'many fish in the' or something like that. She explains to me that it's like Tinder - random hookups for the purpose of boom-boom. I am apparently not hip enough to know about this site. This begs the question of why she knows about it.

Today I identify as  triple antibiotic cream

I need new glasses.

Wife told me the aviator frames are back. I seriously like these. She suggests Warby Parker. This confuses me because they don't have aviator frames. In fact, all of their frames look more or less the same, in different colors. So I can go to any number of places online to get frames, but I don't understand the measurements. In technical-speak, I want Big Ass Aviator Frames. There is no translation between the two. I notice that women have no trouble at all finding these in sunglasses, but they don't exist in men's frames, like decent songs on the radio. So now I can't figure out how to make this happen: do I just order the frames and go to a local store for an exam, or get an exam and try to find frames. Or just shoot myself. Shooting looks like the most logical solution - much easier than going 5 places so I can see again. And who really needs to see? It's not like I drive. Much.

Nothing starts a familial war quite like butter cookies.

Since my in-laws don't live anywhere near Civilization, we send normal stuff there. The favorite seems to be from a local bakery, in a relatively nice war zone. I say relatively nice because you're not dodging bullets. Often. I suspect the only reason this place is safe is because their cookies are so good. It's like a Safe Zone<tm>, in the middle of the city. If they shoot up the customers, the bakery will go out of business and the gangs won't get any cookies. Retail is very complicated in the 2000s. 

Cyberwarfare looms as Russia shells, invades Ukraine

So anyway... ummm... oh yeah, so we send cookies to the in-laws, along with this thing called butter cake. Nobody knows exactly what's in butter cake, and that's for the best. It's a short yellow cake, with some sort of delicious, sweet, butter icing. It's also best you don't know any of the nutrition information, because it's likely to cause hardened arteries in decent quantities, and believe me, it's impossible to eat this in small quantities.

So the goodies go out to the Netherlands, where they just got electricity and cell phone service is good, so long as you have a landline and don't try to use it. They literally have to walk up the block to get signal. It's the impossible dream, like a movie without III or 16 behind the name. Then the fun begins. Dad grabs the pound of cookies, saying they were sent up for him. He disappears. No one knows where he goes, as the house is small. Later, he is forced to bring the cookies back, sometimes by force, and make them public. Then he keeps on reappearing, asking meaningless questions, each time snaking his hand into the cookie box. As the cookies quickly dwindle to zero, the real fighting begins. Half the butter cake is gone, and people start noticing the cookies are nearly gone too. And heaven help the person who goes near the cherry pie; they're liable to touch it and draw back a nub.... Mom is serious about her pie too. I have never been there when this happens because, quite frankly, I'm scared. They're wonderful people, who would give you the shirts off their backs, unless there are cookies involved.

Plus I just can't visit a place where the nearest Walmart is an hour away, as is the McDonalds; two places I also don't visit. It makes me very popular with the family.

The Aliens are circling Earth.

They have their cloaking device on, so nothing on the planet can 'see' them. They're on a mission from the Multi-Planet Consortium, to see if Earth is ready to join the federation. The Prime Directive is in effect; they are not to interfere with the natives unless they're ready for First Contact. Yes, the aliens watched Star Trek too. Nobody knows how. Their version of Nurse Chapel was green, with four arms. Spock thought she was really hot.

Monitoring Earth they went, in their monitor-class ship, the Last Prize. The crew always bitched, believing they got the worst ship because of something Captain Sr92l*# said to the Council. Even the beelzerschmitzel was broken. And you know how they get when they can't have their beelzers.

As they orbit, they monitor television, which is a reflection of society. They see Texas Ranger, which upsets them greatly, as Chuck Norris isn't in it. They see Americans Idle. They see "I snigged my step sister." They see 27 Star Trek movies, 37 Star Wars movies, and too many Fast and Furiouses to count. They see the Masked Furry and start to pack things up. "These people are beyond not ready for First Contact. Judging from television content, it could be another century or two. Let's head home....

As they're setting course for the Plaedies, the captain says, "HOLD ON, guys. You're not going to believe this, but they have a Doctor Pimple Popper too! We're going in."

• GM seeks US approval to deploy self-driving car without a steering wheel
• because a driverless car with a steering wheel isn't terrifying enough 

White Castle hiring 100 robots to flip burgers.

Yes, but will they program them to get your order wrong? 

Flying AIDS News  

COVID’s spread within hospitals hit all-time high amid omicron wave

Google will no longer require US employees to be vaccinated against COVID-19

It's getting ready to SNOW again.

How can I tell? The forecast says no precipitation.

You can't tell by looking - the sky is always gray - no clues there.

On the positive side, this will cancel our trip to the place that rhymes with Bosco. Yes, I know we need food, but I just can't take that place, more specifically the people who shop there. And their Customer Confusion Program, in which they move everything around weekly, so you can never find what you're looking for.

I always stop to look at those humongous tv's.

I don't want one. I don't need one. But I feel compelled to look.

I should probably ask the doctors about this. Maybe some Adderall.

I have to warn you about.... uhh... dammit.. what's the name of that stuff? It sounds and looks healthy and has an X in there somewhere, probably at the end. They make health bars and other stuff. The problem is if you're looking for flavor, you're better off eating the box they come in. I've never tried it, but I just can't get near the chicken in a can. Or several other canned 'meats.' TIP: do NOT go to the FDA site for what they allow to be called 'meat.' Also avoid the FCC site, on general principles. And shut down the IRS.

Commonwealth Games: Athletes allowed to protest about social injustice at Birmingham 2022

In fact, all athletic competitions will be suspended. Replaced with:

• 100 member BLM chant
• who can take a knee fastest
• who has the best Antifa accessory
• fastest -legible- protest sign created
• loudest complaint decrying lack of women in football
• most traffic blocked outside the stadium

Better than bobsledding? You decide.

Tesla is working to make Steam video games work in its vehicles

So you put out quite a few hard-earned dollars for your Tesla.

You have to worry about spontaneous explosions, battery fires, and random braking. Let's now add "I wasn't driving - I was playing video games."

Honda, terribly jealous of Tesla's ability to get press for every little fatal flaw in their cars, is investigating 1.7 million cars for phantom braking. 

Tesla already does this. Can't Honda be original? Ejecting seats or something? 

Headline of the Month (year?) 

Aaron Rodgers’ go-to cleanse could involve oily enemas, bloodletting, vomiting

It sounds like a Flying AIDS cure..

Russia - Ukraine 

ThermionicEmissions condemns any act of aggression or war.

Dmitry Rogozin says he does not appreciate “openly hostile” US policy

Says the man whose country just invaded Ukraine 

Four-time world champion Sebastian Vettel says the Russian Grand Prix should be cancelled - and he will not be there if the race goes ahead.

What a sissy. So there's a full scale invasion going on. Does he think he's so important that someone is going to fire an ICBM at his car? 

Vladimir Putin is over the top giddy because his army has seized the Chernobyl nuclear plant, which melted down in 1986. Apparently his aides were terrified to tell him... Russia now owns:

• a building still full of radioactive debris
• a power plant that won't power
• the prestige of owning a melted-down nuclear power generator

With the news of the invasion comes interesting news: things can be blamed on it. So far the integrated circuit chip shortage and inflation are alleged victims of Putin's folly. If you watch and wait, there will be more blame:

• the USPS going with 8mpg trucks instead of electric ones
• little Jimmy's wagon loses a wheel
• men who can't get it up
• rent payments late
• actual buildings missing [in Ukraine]

Interview with Mr. Mackey:

War is bad, M'kay?

• FAA now says 5G airports may interfere with Boeing 737s
• The same altimeters the FAA cleared last month....

In order to do my job, I have to be a pretty tenacious and black and white guy. Either it's working or it's not working. Apparently the FCC doesn't work the same way. Either that or somebody's bribe bounced.

George Washington University Apologizes for Tracking Locations of Students, Faculty [thehill.com]
George Washington University President Mark Wrighton issued an apology for tracking students' location data without consent and said using such data "raises important privacy considerations and potential breaches of expected ethical norms in higher education." 

Further, they explained it was all a mistake.

They were told to make sure wireless was accessible, which sounds just like "make sure to track all student location data without their permission."              

• How to file your taxes online without hurting your wallet or your privacy

World number three Alexander Zverev has been thrown out of the Mexican Open after "unsportsmanlike conduct" that saw him attack the umpire's chair at the end of a doubles match in Acapulco.

He also called the taco "a national disgrace," questioned the net's parentage, accused the balls of being impotent and underinflated, and said the surface was as tilted as the Tower of Pisa.

Zverev and the umpire are holidaying together in Spain.

In his bid to make government more diverse, President Taxit nominated the first black female judge to the Supreme Court. He needs to try harder. Yes, he has nominated no white males to any post, but he could have easily nominated a black female Jew to the Court. Still there are no midgets, pagans, satanists, or trans people there - not even a single gay. Is this the best he can do? Is this to be his legacy?

What Biden's aides don't tell him is that the black female is the lady on his IT team. Once on the Supreme Court, her opinions will largely be "Did they turn it off and on again?"

• I just saw an article on threat detection, which mentioned 'security hygiene.' You're probably saying to yourself, "WTF is security hygiene?"
• As someone in the field, I can help. Security hygiene is washing your hands after you surf. Not opening every email. Not clicking on every link. Securing your browser. Using private mode, which does NOT protect your surfing, but cleans up everything after you're done - no history. 

12.5 People Read This Blog Today

 

Your love is like  a dull knife in the bladder

Fish Might Really Be Self-Aware, New Study Finds

This study involves recognizing yourself in a mirror.

Based upon that, my dog and half my friends are not self-aware 

Today I identify as  a just-removed Christmas decoration

Evolutionary anthropologist Herman Pontzer busts myths about how humans burn calories—and why

Hint: It ain't exercise

TOLD YOU SO! 

Eating vegetables may not protect against heart disease, study suggests

pretty soon you'll see - exercise causes cancer, vegetables should be eaten lightly, and chocolate is a required nutrient.

Sydney, Australia:  all five members of the Australia Marketing Board were found dead this morning, in their offices. Suicide is suspected. The long, rambling note mentioned the fatal shark attack and the snake emerging from the supermarket shelf, both in the past 2 days.

Beijing Olympic News 

It's over - YAY!

Now begins the finger-pointing.

slave labor is cleaning up with brooms purchased from Korea 

Over in Russia, Vladimir "The Inhaler" Putin has categorically denied any plans or efforts to invade Ukraine. He made this statement one mile from the Ukraine border, in the midst of a line of tanks that went on for miles. Later in the day, Putin re-emphasized his desire for peace, from a battery of missiles larger than Moscow. His words received applause from the 35,000 peace-keeping troops at the border.

England is now in the spotlight, but doesn't always have the right words to alarm the world sufficiently. Not to worry - the US, which can't be seen to be directly involved, is telling Boris what to say (over the Batphone).

• Shocking BRAWL erupts on live TV debate in Ukraine as pro-Russia politician punched and put in a headlock by journalist
• maybe it's time we looked into this kind of journalism...

Florida woman allegedly stabbed husband 140 times, fractured skull with meat cleaver: police said

in a dispute over who was driving to the store 

• 4 in 10 people admit to taste-testing their pet’s food
• Unrelated: 4 in 10 people are not properly medicated 

Texas skydiving instructor dies after parachute fails to open

being an amateur agoraphobic, acrophobic, and General Chicken has its advantages. When I consider whether to do something, I ask what's the worst thing that can happen, thus skydiving is a definite NO. RIP, guy.

**** Hey, is there a Left Handed History Month yet?

• My uncle has alzheimers. His cognitive decline is so bad, he's thinking of running for president.

Truism: no matter what your gender, a dog turning around with one foot on your nipple is excruciatingly painful.

Fleetwood Mac lost their superpowers when Lindsey Buckingham cut his hair.

In fact, some believe the short-haired Lindsey isn't even Lindsey. Paul is dead.

Flying AIDS News

A sign we're getting back to normal: 

World’s Top Condom Maker Sees Rising Demand as Virus Rules Ease

Also: condoms and KitKats warn of price rises

The C.D.C. Isn’t Publishing Large Portions of the Covid Data It Collects

Ivermectin fails another COVID trial as study links use to GOP politics

Vaccine makers announce slowdowns for omicron-specific booster

Efficacy of Ivermectin Treatment on Disease Progression Among Adults With Mild to Moderate COVID-19 and Comorbidities

Iceland to lift all COVID-19 restrictions on Friday

Coronavirus: Face masks could increase risk of infection, medical chief warns

Bill Gates: “This was an interesting test of people’s trust in their politicians or their health system. We didn’t do as well as I would have expected.”

It's out in the open, from the mouth of Gates! 

• One in Five Gen Z Adults Now Say They Are LGBTQ
• Rise explained by surge in those identifying as bisexual or trans, not gay or lesbian.
• They have absolutely no imagination. Why stick with LGBTQ when they can identify as a firetruck or a Lamborghini?

Harvard law professor says Tucker Carlson guilty of "treason" for criticizing Biden over Russia.

C'mon.... a Harvard law professor? I'd expect him to actually know something about law. If you need any proof that universities are useless indoctrination and this is a political statement.....

It's the 60th anniversary of Barney and Betty Hill's abduction in New Hampshire.

There was a lot of work done on the abduction. Hypnosis revealed both had the same story. Betty drew a star system that turned out to be accurate after it was 'officially' mapped. There was missing time and grays.

American Airlines pilot's harrowing UFO report to FBI so detailed it shook experts

This is brave. Sometimes if you're a pilot reporting a UFO, you may wind up piloting a desk.

ME: Have you seen the chipotle spice?

HER: No.

ME: Have you seen ANY of the spices?

HER: No, why?

ME: They've gone missing.

HER: The garlic is there.

ME: How can you not know the spices have dematerialized but the garlic is there?

HER: Obviously somebody moved it.

ME: I'll go with that. Where did you move it to?

HER: Check the table.

ME: Nope.

HER: Well then I don't know where they are.

ME: Fifteen bottles of spices? Just disappeared?

HER: Maybe I was cleaning.

ME: Do you know if you were cleaning?

HER: No.

ME: I get kinda upset, asking you for the whereabouts of everything in this house. Speaking of which, I need a colander for this pasta.

HER: Let's see... where is the colander?  Here - no. There - no. I dunno.

ME: Are you starting to understand my frustration?

HER: Yes [walks away]

The yes/walks away thing is not really a yes. You can tell from the tone. It's subtle. It's like asking someone to admit they were wrong. If they mumble, that's not really an answer. If they throw the dining room table at you, you should change the topic of conversation.

So fortunately I have garlic, the most important spice. It's great on anything, including breakfast cereal. But I really want to know where the spices went. I will meet in the middle and be happy if they re-materialize.

A place for everything - that changes hourly.

• Children with high intelligence start to speak late.
• My brother spoke early. I spoke at 19. They said if I didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything...

The Woke AMA

don’t say “equality”; say “equity.” Don’t say “minority”; say “historically marginalized.”

My Other Service Animal is an F-35

Your love is like   bifurcated tongue on purpose

I need your help, readers.

We need to do all we can to get napping added to the next Olympics. I will bring home the gold!

Today I identify as  the entire mixed-gender Olympic bumper cars team

You can't help but notice our celebrities and rock stars are dropping off like mad. Cancer and even old age are taking them. They've given so much to us and now it's time to give back: I'm introducing the Adopt-A-Celebrity program. We all chip into a fund to have our favorite people medically tested weekly.  If I lost Jeff Beck, I'd be inconsolable. Dammit, I'm still dealing with the loss of Frank Zappa. If we had gotten Frank checked more frequently, he'd still be here with us.  So we'd pay to get them checked on a weekly or monthly basis, prolonging their lives and assuring ourselves more of that golden output. So it's more of an enlightened altruism, but it works out best for all. Remember: Adopt-A-Celebrity today!  Special rates for Alec Baldwin and bands I don't like.

This Tesla news is not about a Tesla - it's about an Elon Musk tweet. He deleted it after 12 hours, but it was a picture of Hitler, with the words "Stop comparing me to Justin Trudeau. I had a budget." You just can't make a good Hitler joke these days. I'm getting disgusted at the Speech Police. If you don't like it, don't read it.. this goes for anything from anyone.

Microsoft Strikes Again

You will need a Microsoft account to set up Windows 11. With Windows 10 and currently 11, you can set up a local account. This is going away.

Windows should be going away. You owe it to yourself to use a different, privacy-intensive operating system. At work, everything I do is available to my coworkers - they just have to click on my profile and they can see what programs I have been using. Do you think Microsoft fails to take advantage of this? I don't need an account to set up a Mac or use linux. Windows 10 should have started the stampede away from Microsoft, yet it didn't.

Using linux, you can put together a desktop that looks and works exactly like Windows, so there's very little learning time. You can run a 'live usb' version, which will show you how it works and not change anything on your hard drive. If you have any questions, ask away.

• Sydney shark attack: Beaches reopen after British swimmer's death
• authorities are stymied as to the lower numbers of swimmers  

It's been a fun week of weather: during the week, we've seen just about every kind of weather, focusing largely on clouds and precipitation. Today it's so windy, cars and small houses have been seen blowing down the streets. The news said it was 20-30-40mph gusts. Interestingly enough, small amounts of sun are managing to appear between the clouds, like talent appearing in songs on the radio.  Some younger people on the block have never seen the sun and have to be therapized accordingly. No one is too concerned, because the sun will only disappear when the clouds have noticed it got through.

Definition

refrigerator: where you put stuff to keep it warmer than the air outside

Dad takes down town's internet by mistake to get his kids offline

What are you complaining about? The kids couldn't get online - mission accomplished....

Back to the dentist.

It went precisely as I figured, with the Doc looking at the previously-donated tooth site and telling me it was fine. Sure it was fine, except for taking pain relievers every four hours, lady. Then she started to do some more serious extracting, this time from my wallet. The prices to do anything involving putting back a tooth are beyond ridiculous. Some of them, not covered by insurance, cover a Fender Custom Shop guitar. Aside from that, the procedure gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies (technical term). My insurance is kind enough to cover half of the bridges we're building. By the time they're done, my mouth will be a series of holes, bumps, and bridges, none of which you want to cross.  

Naturally, they 'discovered' several more teeth that required 'things' done to them. 

I don't remember being told about this, but I suspect this is part of the Dental Operation: Shock and Awe. They beat you with Major Stuff<tm>, then you're likely to approve anything else of a smaller nature. They're quite clever that way, like Dick Cheney. As part of Shock and Awe, after the doctor is done, they send back a staff member to discuss what the options will cost. Sometimes this is so shocking, they don't need to numb teeth. So they send back the most attractive staff member in the office to go over everything, so if you're a guy (or lesbian), your brain is fried between looking at the prices and looking at the tech. They have her strategically unbutton a few buttons on her shirt to further befuddle you. By the time I got back home, when Wife asked me how it went, I just shook my head and continued to mumble "expensive.... boobies.... Chrissie.... boobies..." and she got the general idea. To further confuse me, Chrissie sat with me a while and discussed personal stuff: she has a pet alligator names Alowishcious, just went up to DD with her new implants, and will only swallow on special occasions. I 'forgot' to tell Wife about this part. I suspect the office pays for the implants for the girls and writes it off as a business expense.

So all that's left is to make an appointment. This is like making an appointment for.. the dentist.... oh, wait.... for the.. 

• According to my email, Fluffy tickets are now on sale!
• I wonder if they're fuzzy too, and maybe nice to touch.

So it's the weekend and we try to get out a little.

Naturally you know something's coming.

Wife took Saturday off, so she and dog stayed in bed.

I was up bright and early Sunday (1:30pm), which pretty much ruled out anything but food. 

I know we're foolish, but the ads for a certain damn near Italian chain really make the food look good (as opposed to Sonic, whose ads are used to cure constipation). Last time we went, there was a 45 minute wait, which I don't.

Deciding to get breakfast early (4pm), we took the small car. Which wouldn't start (with the new $300 battery). Neither the car nor I like the cold.

Off we went, in the larger car.

Annnnnnd the Garden of Olives had a 40 minute wait. 

One could say at least they're consistent.

I wouldn't say that, because I was cursing in a way that would make the entire navy blush.

Plan B was in effect, so we had a nice breakfast there.

As we were pulling up to the house, Wife said "That's the check engine light, isn't it?"

Why yes, yes it IS the check engine light.

Do I have to shove some sage up my ass and light it?

Even the doctors tell me we get way more than our share of bad luck. They should know - they went to 10 years more school than me.

HE: As I was saying, before I kept getting interrupted...

SHE: [interrupts] But I don't interrupt.

Happy Virgin's Day - Get Out the Golf Balls

 

Your love is like  liver

• Women and boob guys want to know why, when she loses weight, are the boobs the first thing to go?

Today I identify as  run-over squirrel

A Tale of Love or something - How We Met  

We worked in a building with a bunch of doctors' offices. I was friends with her office, especially the petite brunette nurse, who was unfortunately leaving. So I faxed my requirements to the doctor for the new nurse (petite brunette, etc). He was a bit of a trouble maker, so he showed my specs to his new nurse, who wasn't petite or brunette or anything else on my list. She was not amused, to put it mildly.

It was a cold, gray, snowy day, which could be 5 moths out of the year. I didn't bring lunch, nor did she. Someone suggested we order out, so we did. Our first sit down happened in her office. The entire building had very dry heat, so everything you touched gave off a spark, including us. If you ask her, we had sparks. I don't argue. We had a great time and she did something she told me she never did; gave me her number. She was feeling a bit light and dizzy.

One day she was in my office, because I had the Chocolate Drawer, which drew women like mad. After she left, my coworker said I must like her, because I allowed her in my personal space, even just to get candy. Uh-oh. I think that's when it hit me like a brick wall. I could think of no one nor nothing else. My mother said I had never called to bring a lady home before - she must be special.

She was.

A long time later, she still is.

It ain't perfect. But it IS.

We've been through hell together, with medical and psych diagnoses, and a house and cars and dogs that eat up every cent I make.

And only a few years ago, I discovered our meeting was a plot between our two offices. Thanks, guys.

We even have a song.

We're off to our anniversary dinner. I just have to find my rubber hose.

Flying AIDS News 

STUDY: CensorTrack Documents Over 800 Cases of Big Tech Censoring COVID-19 Debate

FDA, Pfizer abandon 2-shot COVID vaccine in kids under 5, citing new data

COVID causes “substantial” longterm cardiovascular risks, huge study finds

Booster protection from omicron hospital stay dips from 91% to 78%

Why is Canada's Covid death rate so much lower than US?

Omicron wave was brutal on kids; hospitalization rates 4X higher than delta’s

Covid: Charles met Queen two days before testing positive

(she gave it to him on purpose - you would too) 

Study: Vitamin D Deficiency Linked to Severe COVID

CDC wants to “give people a break” from masks, says new guidance coming

So with all the auto manufacturers going electric, are we satisfied that the costs to produce the cars and keep the electrical charging grid going are significantly lower and less environmentally detrimental? 

• "No," he said, he was not aware that their marriage wasn't diverse enough.

Beijing Olympic News  

• Winter Olympics: Kamila Valieva competes after failed drugs test
• unrelated: Alec Baldwin allowed to shoot, Dick Cheney allowed to hunt, President Taxit allowed to go outside unaccompanied 

China censors Friends to remove lesbian jokes in crackdown on ‘immoral content’ as millions defy regime to complain

Idiots. Imagine them going to all this trouble for lesbians. They should have banned the show for lack of content or taste.

Winter Olympics: The couples spending Valentine's Day at Beijing 2022

UPDATE: the US couple identified as Friends with Benefits, the French Couple identified as 'just came out of the Port-A-Pot.' The Belgian couple were just swapping with the Swiss. The Ghana team was all over the place because other athletes wanted to know if it was true what they say....

• Winter Olympics: Games official claims stories of human rights abuses are 'lies'
• Ve did not chop off limbs, pull toenails, or hook anybody's nipplez up to car batteriez. Ve haf only annexed Taiwai a little bit. We haf not pulled off the ears of za whiggers. Lastly, ve did not unleash the Flying AIDS upon the world - zat voz Switzerland. Ya, Switzerland.

President Taxit called Vladimir Putin over the weekend to warn him about trying to shut down Disney in Sweden. He was very firm. The problem arose when somebody discovered that he didn't speak Russian and Putin didn't speak English.

Why was the Super Bowl halftime show 95% black? Are we going to hear impassioned cries for diversity? I learned guitar by listening to white and black players - there's your diversity.

• It's freezing outside and the dog is running around with a fiber bar wrapper.
• All is normal.

It's been a while since I've said it, so twatwaffle 

• Catholic priest incorrectly performed thousands of baptisms by changing word, making them invalid
• Instead of 'baptize', he said 'molest'.

There is some confusion over the passing of Bob Saget. 

The cause of death was initially natural causes but has morphed to severe skull fracture from a beating. We know these things look very similar in Los Angeles. The family has asked for privacy (meaning one of them did it).

We will endeavor to rout out the truth (no we won't). Our initial theory is that he beat himself to death then hid the baseball bat.

Pelosi, Schumer Urged to Pass Chip-Funding Bill by 21-Industry Group

HUH?

Why do we, the citizens, need to fund increased chip manufacturing? 

The government does not exist to fund. This is the function of business.

The government has no money; it's YOUR money.

• Ericsson admits it may have paid off ISIS terrorists
• this line item here... it's either additional fuel or we paid off terrorists...

I Used to be Pretty Good at Walking

 

Your love is like  Snausages (which smell exactly like Slim Jims)

• Where was the weirdest place you got a pimple?

Today I identify as  those little metal things that keep Ace bandages from unraveling once you put them on your limb.

Another great thing about living in the current time.... there was no internet when some of our parents were raising us, thus they wouldn't come across this article called "How to tell if your child may be a psychopath"

NEW YORK — Americans who love hitting the gym and taking selfies while they work out are more likely to exercise in the morning.

What about Americans who blog and generally don't get off the couch? The answer is we're better adjusted, because even if we did exercise, we wouldn't take selfies. We're aware enough to know nobody wants to see that crap.  

 

• Senators: CIA has secret program that collects American data
• The CIA is not supposed to operate on American soil against Americans. And this is just what was found. 
• Told you so. 

Beijing Olympic News  

Kamila Valieva, the 15-year-old Russian figure skating star who helped her team win Winter Olympic gold in Beijing, failed a drugs test in December.

China says the failed drug test is caused by sigfinicant anti-Chinese bias and demands Kamila be allowed to compete. China further suspects people are still mad about that Covid thing.

China is also pissed because the rest of the world has a first name and a last name, in that order.

• the Apple update for my work phone says it will correct something about Braille displays.
• is there an ADD display too? Maybe something for dyslexics or premature ejaculators? 

Oxymoron: Effective Meetings

Hold everything! Pause your surfing. Put your texting to bed. Put your calls on Ignore. AMERICANS IDLE has a new season!

• My mom, and later on, stepdad, supported me unequivocally.
• that may explain this blog. And a lot of shocked faces. 

Tesla Extravaganza

In today's Tesla news, pedestrian warning systems in 578,607 cars, aka 'Boombox' feature will be disabled. Boombox allows owners to play music through the external-facing speaker, which is said to 'interfere with safety standards.'  

BOOO to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, which simply doesn't want anybody having any fun.

Also in Tesla news, Tesla factory is “racially segregated workplace,” Calif. state agency alleges

I don't approve of discrimination, but I don't approve of the state being allowed into the business of private business.

'Full Self-Driving' clips show Teslas on train tracks and fighting for control. Experts see deep flaws.

Full self-driving not ready for prime time. I told you so.

However, failing to stop for a pedestrian in a crosswalk is pretty cool. It will teach them to pay attention.

• Parent Livid After School Instructs 8th-Graders to Describe Sex Acts Using Pizza Toppings
• I'm trying to figure out what this would look like.
• Pepperoni won't fit through olives.... peppers are way too large for sausage... onions overpower beef....
• ok, it was a silly exercise at teaching kids you have to ask your partner what they want before sex, since it might not be what you thought.
• That's pretty clear and considerate. I might like pepperoni but she prefers veggie. But then again, would I really be having sex with a girl who prefers veggie?

Many Republicans think the NFL does too much for Black players and are losing interest in the league, poll shows

1. I did not create that headline
2. I am not a republican (I'm a libertarian)
3. I think the NFL is cuckoo for cocoa puffs, plus the players' shenanigans lately
4. I don't see this ending well
5. I think the NFL treats black and white the same - especially on Traumatic Brain Injury
6. Who fscking cares - I am the Anti-Sports

• if you're shopping for an android tablet, do NOT get any of the Amazons. Amazon sits on top of android and hijacks all your information for the benefit of Amazon. There are ways to de-Amazon the tablet on the web.

You just cannot kill everybody who doesn’t agree with you.

Dammit.

Sometimes practical advice is the worst.

The band of bad weather, including snow, has been over the area and not moving for hours. Sometimes I feel it's just a bunch of gray clouds, permanently over the area. Or just my house.

So it's snowing. Again.

this is a pretty normal and repeating sequence of events: it snows, I get aggravated. Sometimes I shovel. It's not like I live in the southwest, where it's not supposed to snow... I just wish it didn't snow here. The weatherguy said the band might slip into New Jersey, and good riddance, I say. We get enough from New Jersey - they can have our snow.

We were supposed to go out today, naturally. The only thing keeping the roads safe is that it's just above freezing. As soon as it goes down a few degrees, black ice starts.  Mrs. lefty discovered cars don't move as efficiently upside down, due to black ice, so we'll be staying in. Again. 

I had to change the tv channel, due to Sports Glut. First the Olympics, then football. The thing most mentioned was a halftime show. We are a nation of morons. I get credit for knowing all the names performing, and extra credit for avoiding them. The irony is that it's going to be really hot, wherever the game is (CA?) and it's snowing here. I'd gladly trade.

I rarely watch tv, but today it's going to be insufferable. Our Super Bowl party usually involves Monty Python movies and treats. Because I am the Anti-Sports.

• A man in upstate New York is fighting to keep his emotional support pig
• once again, the government pokes its nose where it doesn't need to be
• let them try to come for my service elephant....

On the Ice, a Question: Where Are the Black Figure Skaters?

Where are the white halftime show performers? 

• Destinee Lashaee Dies: ‘My 600-lb Life’s First Trans Castmember Was 30
• sheesh... who saw that coming?
• This is obviously discrimination against trans people
• hang on a second... this 600-lb person realized they were a different gender. How come none of the 600-lb people realize they were skinny?

"Moo," Went the Little Couch

Your love is like   condom pie

Please buy my new book:

Congressional Ethics - a History of Oxymorons

Today I identify as  an Olympic judge, bribed by the Finland Mafia

My text alert just went off. Four times. This drives me up a tree. A very thorny tree. A tree with a lot of branches thin enough to hit me repeatedly and hurt. There are very few people who have my number, and this is on purpose. I'm just not interested. In much of anything, especially of the quality sent by people who don't have my number. Not to mention the people who DO have my number. When the texts come in in numbers, it can only mean someone sent a picture of their kid doing something, and several others replied how wonderful he looked, although you couldn't really pick him out in the crowd. The final text was Mrs. lefty saying WOW. We've been together so long that it was sad she would do this to me. The more texts come in, the more ANGRY I get. The more angry I get, the greater chance I will respond negatively in my own text. This is the reason not many have my number. Even if my phone is quiet, I sometimes make Wife silence her phone, because it's like some sort of Special symphony, constantly interrupting whatever else is going on in the Real World. She just got a text after speaking with that person. This is like when she visits her mother, comes home, calls to tell Mom she got home safe, and doesn't get off the phone for two hours.

So I like a quiet phone. And I have a quiet phone. It sits next to me all day, not making a noise while I'm in my office. Lately it has begun to take notice when I'm not near it. When I leave my office to have lunch with Wife, THEN it rings. This is obviously personal. Her doctors call me because they can't find her. They seem to think *I* can. Sometimes she's not there while sitting next to me, while we eat lunch.

This is why I set it so if I don't know you, you can't call me. The effect is satisfying. In fact, the only time the phone rings, it's for Her. Ok, that's not satisfying. I should just let her carry it. But if I did that, she'd leave it somewhere, with hers, and we'd have to use the landline to call the phones so we could find them.

• Microsoft says the internet is the nicest it's been since 2016.
• and that Windows 11 doesn't collect any of your information 

We try to be good neighbors... well... at least where the dog is concerned. If she starts barking in her yard, we bring her in immediately. Thus it's been confusing lately, when we hear her barking and think she's supposed to be napping in the house. Yes, another dog has developed a Penny impersonation. So now, in the middle of important work meetings, I have to go running to see if she's in the yard. I think my house is somehow involved in this... maybe it taught the other dog how to impersonate her.

• on Wife's sweet creamer, it says "plus artificial flavors"
• what's artificially flavored - the sweet or the cream?

I ask for so little. Really.

No snickering, please.

STOP LAUGHING.

At the end of the day, like most people, I get in bed. As far as I know, it's a pretty standard thing. It's good to know that there are one or two pretty standard things happening in my house (and life). Just one or two.

Since it's the end of the day, it's the last thing I do (duh).

All I ask is that it can be accomplished in the least difficult manner possible. You'd think this would be an easy request, and it would, in normal circumstances. But I don't live in normal circumstances.

First of all, and all men will know; like football, bed is a territorial acquisition game. We lost before we started because She Who Will Be Obeyed has all the bed. Even after she acquires the entire sleeping area, she will try for more. The life of man is to 

1. hold onto the meager sleeping space they have
2. try to get a few more inches, so his butt doesn't hang off the mattress, getting cold in the winter. Because a man is not a man with cold buttocks. Or even a cold buttock.

When you tell Spouse about this, you'll get all sorts of sympathy. This is called Alleged Sympathy, and it's all part of the Mystique. She will then make a small adjustment to make it look like you're getting something out of the deal, and your buttocks remain warm. After all, if you're not married, she may want to do something that cold buttocks makes alarming. Ahem. This doesn't matter, as the next night, cold buttocks will be back. It would be worse if you were a dog - they have no buttocks. But this is also a meaningless distinction, because even the dog has more space than you.

While doing that dance, you may find your spouse is a twirler. It's important to figure out the direction of the twirling. Mine twirls counter-clockwise, so she gets all the blanket and 90% of the sheet. This has resulted in us using two blankets and two sheets. Even then she sometimes gets the second blanket. In the morning, you discover she wins. It's like football, but uglier. And in football, you can use your strength to get what you want. Try that with a Wife - go ahead - I dare you.

But the above is just what everybody must go through. I mention it because each blog entry requires a certain amount of words (no it doesn't).  My life is different, while simply asking to get in bed without grief and aggravation. I spend all day fighting dragons and making sure my paycheck was deposited directly. I just want to fall into bed and go to sleep. Or, you know, the other thing. I don't even mind the dog's nighttime ritual of standing on my chest and licking my forehead until she physically has to be pulled off me. No, I get Other Stuff....

Dog toys. It started out cute... "Look, she brought a toy to bed."

Then "Why are there 4 dog toys in bed? 2 of them are buried under the sheet. On my side, of course."

"Could you please tell your dog not to leave crumbs where my feet go? I wouldn't normally complain, but the pile is 2" tall - it's like boulders."

"Who spilled something on my side of the bed?"

"Why has the mattress moved 6" and my end is hanging off?"

"I know my blanket was there last night. Oh, the dog?"

"There's a dog on my pillow... no I'm not sharing."

"I can't imagine how there is now a line of shoes tripping me, in the dark."

"Ok, who let the alpaca in?"

"I told you to park the VW Bug in the living room, not the bedroom"

Then "HONEY, THERE'S A TRAIN CROSSING in front of the bed. Did someone put a station in our bedroom?"

The answer is inevitably "Sorry!"

I strongly suspect I'm going to need a guide, with a flashlight, to take me to the bed every night. I know I'd be doing my bit for the local economy, but wouldn't it be easier to just give me a clear shot to the bed, and a place on the bed?

What do you mean NO?

I see.

• The British can look down their noses at us Colonists, thinking they've got it all together with their National Health and their bloody royals, but the manual transmission is standard there, while the automatic is standard here. We are going for progress, and are secure enough to have our gears shifted for us, even in our relatively humongous police cars.
• Suck it, Prince Andrew.

Flying AIDS News  

Abrupt end to mask mandates reflects a shifting political landscape

Boris Johnson plans to end England’s Covid rules a month early

Under pressure to ease up, Biden weighs new virus response

As states drop masking, CDC stands by guidance: “We are not there yet”

Global freedoms have hit a 'dismal' record low, with pandemic restrictions making things worse, report says

GLAM ARMY

• Meet Ukraine’s gun-toting military girls sharing videos and pictures from the front line ahead of Russia invasion
• can US troops defect?
• is there a regulation lipstick? eyebrows?

Happy V-Day, everybody.

It's a happy time for us, as it's our anniversary.

Or a nasty time, depending on moods.

We normally go out to a (her) favorite restaurant the day before or after, to avoid the crowds. I better get flowers, before they go to $100/dozen.

How many years has it been? I don't know - I'm a man. Men are incapable of remembering trivial numbers, that's why they have women. Some men are even smart enough not to say that in front of women.

It's been a lot of years. A lot of years.

She hit me like a ton of bricks when I met her.

And regularly thereafter, with a single brick.

I only found out recently we were set up by our coworkers.

Most are still in jail, so there's not much I can do.

I begged her for months to move in.

She still complains about the house.

She says there's no space.

Because of all the shoes she bought.

My pronouns are GTFO.

Hers are you(plural), they, them.

I like pizza.

She likes lobster rolls and something called rangoon.

I sleep all night.

She sleeps all day, guaranteeing a long marriage, because we never see each other.

I work in my home office.

She talks to me all day, especially during important meetings.

We fight nicely.

We keep the volume below a Metallica concert.

We will go down with the ship together.

Probably because we've been drilling holes in it.

meh - V-Day. Just another holiday created to sell stuff and make singles miserable.

And to make married people miserable, but that may be redundant.

• TikTok shares your data more than any other social media app — and it's unclear where it goes, study says

Frontier flight from NYC to Orlando makes emergency stop after unruly passenger yells that woman is trying to 'steal his DNA', threatens to kill everyone on board and has to be restrained by six other travelers

now this is the kind of plane stop headline I want to see. No more fighting over masks.