You Naughty, Wicked, Vile Woman - We Need to Hang Out More.

Your love is like  nazi toast - French toast's evil cousin.

Enter the Goon Cave, Where Porn and Masturbation Is All That Exists

Is this the natural successor to the Man Cave? I know the wife isn't cleaning it.

Don't forget the Fleshlight - the portal to the future of sex.

Today I identify as  a practical joke that went rogue

Florida surgeon general wrong on vaccines and bad at his job, CDC and FDA say

Uh-oh. They loved him at first...

Apology: Naturally I didn't look closely at the warning when you come to the blog. I didn't realize it wanted people to log in. Unfortunately I can't do anything about it, other than take the adult flag off the blog and try to be squeaky clean, until the next gutless coward reports the blog to Google for 'adult content.' All I can offer is my sincere apology. Up around the top right is "Subscribe to this blog." Check that out if you'd rather bypass signing in.

I'm reading online when I come across this bit of wisdom: In no case should a grown person's socks be ringed. He was obviously referring to socks with stripes across the top.

What is wrong with the world? Can't we all live together?

Why the Serious Hatred for striped socks?

It hit very close to home many years ago. Mrs. lefty was talking to someone and mentioned that she discovered my striped socks and was systematically throwing them out. This was her first mistake: if she had just done it and not bragged, I'd never know. Men are dense sometimes. I can be dense most of the time. And sometimes dense co-exists with trying, aggravating, and soul-crushingly bull-headed. But at least I'm unattractive.

I can't imagine, for the life of me, what generates such meanness about striped socks.

Once I was done with the striped socks, all I had was your generic white socks; the same as the striped socks, but without the stripe. This seemed to cause harmony within the universe. Within the universe, perhaps, but not among my band at the time. At a gig, they all had a whack at me for my socks. Apparently they were too tall. I guess I'll just have to accept my Sock Blindness. 

Hello, I'm lefty.

HELLO, LEFTY.

I have Sock Blindness.

[applause, cheers] We hear you, brother. YES. Woo hoo. Testify!

I thought I had all I could stand (get it - socks/stand?) when the drummer had his turn. 

"Fix your socks."

Why - they don't look broken.

"One of them is much lower than the other one. Pull it up."

[ooooooooohh. I know what THIS is. Time for a little revenge...]

I pulled the lower sock up - is this what you mean?

"Yes."

Then I pulled the other one down. His face dropped. So I pulled it down further.

This could have gone on all day, because sometimes I enjoy being a bastard, especially when OCD is involved. But I pulled them to within a half inch of each other and measured it for him. I was honest when I told him I couldn't guarantee they'd both stay that way when I started moving around during songs. If I hadn't walked away, he'd have volunteered to check them between songs.

But we can also talk about shorts. I was out of my mind when I could no longer purchase shorts. Every pair came down to my knees, like a skirt. I wanted no parts of them. But I had no choice. And then, just the other day, I saw women wearing 70s shorts. You know - the short shorts you picture roller skaters wearing around California on a nice day. *I* couldn't wear them, just out of decency, but maybe they will lead to men's shorts that don't drag on the ground.

The drummer was not the only OCD person I performed with.

The other one had a tuning problem. Between every song, he'd be looking down, tuning his guitar. I even caught him doing it in the middle of songs.  Next time I hid his tuner, just to see what happened. The shaking and tears were just too much so I gave it back to him.

I have no idea what drives me to be a bastard around OCD. I have some internal sense that it's not right, but it's so much fun.  When we go food shopping, Mrs. lefty puts the items on the belt and makes sure they're all facing the same direction. Naturally I sweep in behind her and turn them. I'm a bastard. But I don't do much else, even when it takes forever to get out of restaurants because she's taking all the cash and making sure the bills are lined up correctly, in the same direction.  She loves me anyway, which is some sort of deep personal failing of hers.

What a man freed from a 241-year prison sentence finds strangest of all

• That he's not 241?

• That a 241 year sentence is impossible to serve? 

• There's pr0n on the internet? 

• That BlueTooth headphones make you look schizophrenic because you're talking to yourself? 

•  Sex Workers

 I finally found a new laptop; an HP Omen. I had to take a chance it would work with linux. It turned out to be 95% compatible, except for keyboard backlighting that keeps changing colors. It doesn't bother me at all. I wish it had a number pad, which I somehow missed when looking at it. See the System76 and New Laptop page up top for details (if you care). The feeling of blowing away the Windows install made my month. Micro Center is the place to go for just about anything. It's Disney for geeks.

Denied by AI: How Medicare Advantage plans use algorithms to cut off care for seniors in need

EMERGENCY. Know those extremely annoying commercials on tv, with all sorts of people saying you can get more than you did on regular old Medicare? I've warned against them, but this is the best reason of all: they can, by law, cut off your insurance. Even if you're dying. All legally. You can appeal all you want, but you have to pay in the meantime.

Online tests suggest IQ scores in US dropped for the first time in nearly a century

I often say we're a nation of morons. Just in case you don't believe me...

We have our best people working on how to end the drug problem. As with most things, we failed to look in our own backyard. According to President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, of Mexico, "lack of hugs caused fentanyl crisis."  Can you believe it was right there all the time, and so simple? We need to pay closer attention to el presidente, Mr. Manuel Lopez Obrador. Last week he informed us that Mexico is safer than the US. Such nuggets of wisdom. Even after the cartel killed 2 people by mistake. Let's get President Giveaway to tell them their violence epidemic is due to them having too many names. It's good to have a first and last name. Maybe even a middle name. Some Mexicans take it too far, which obviously causes violence. Regardless, it would be pretty funny to see Mexico build a wall to keep the gringos out.

Bruce Willis's wife speaks of her grief at his dementia on his 68th birthday

Dearest Emma Hemming Willis,

Sympathies on your husband's condition. My mother is similarly affected.

Sympathies also on your role. You are mourning the loss of your husband in real time. You are taking on a massive burden, with the caretaking that exists and will come. As a veteran of similar situations, I strongly urge your to look after yourself. Firstly, there will be nothing left of you to help him if you don't. Secondly, you need this for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you taking a break. This is the hardest lesson to learn. Bruce will eventually have to be institutionalized, unless you can do 24/7 coverage and are willing to deal with all it entails. It's not just that... in addition to everything else, I'd hate to see you become a shell of yourself. You are in for a wild ride, very little of it pleasant. Live and love consciously, while you can. Maybe check out online or in-person groups with others in your situation. Although our situations are somewhat different, the basics are the same. Only you know what's best for you and your family.

Sincerely --- lefty

I don't have your phone number or email address, so obviously I can't call or write.

French First Lady loses lawsuit after being accused of secretly undergoing gender reassignment surgery

Best headline in months.

It is a completely unsubstantiated accusation, based upon a YouTube video. It is possible that it was a rumor started by far-right political groups.

Whatever is going on inside her body, to quote the Tubes, She's A Beauty.

Granted, that's France, but does this mean I can't say Hillary eats babies? Or will I just wind up coincidentally dead? Or that Cheney is teaching Satan some new tricks? It's all so confusing.

On the Planet of California, there exists a small area called San Francisco.

San Francisco's city-appointed reparations committee has the idea to give $5 million to every black person, plus other brilliant, air-sucking ideas. I'm not complaining: the Plant of California comes up with so many sanity-defying ideas as to keep Earth entertained for decades. In 100 years, people will read about California in history books, and be completely unable to make anything of it, aside from accusing teachers of putting them on. There will need to be a complete guide with the history books to give context to the Planet of California; how it decided to leave Earth and become its own planet, in its own universe. One conservative analyst estimated that each non-Black family in the city would have to pay at least $600,000.

Dear black people:

It tears my heart out that you were used in that heinous way. 

I didn't do it, nor did my ancestors: we suffered persecution too.

As a result, I will not pay for the grievous sin of slavery. No human can own another human - it makes no sense, morally or otherwise. 

My advice for everybody: be the best you can. Make your future, don't demand it.

And remember: Reparations for the left handed. We've been discriminated against since the dawn of time. We were called evil, punished, assaulted, and killed for having a different dominant hand. We suffer from ink stains, desks we can't use, more expensive guitars, and lots of other indignities. People are still superstitious about us.  BURN HER - SHE'S A WITCH!!  With the current president, we have the best chance of getting millions ever. 

The South African choir that performed for Queen Victoria

One would hope while she was still alive....

Rupert Murdock set to marry for fifth time at 92

"This time it's truly love"

Just this morning, there was news of commercial hacks, like Saks Fifth Avenue, Ferrari, the NBA and several others. There are many many cases of hacking that happened simply because the company did not patch their gear. IT Security needs to be on top of this, or at least allowed to be. The cost is way too high. Soon, insurers either won't cover it or jack the prices through the roof. The hacks are not all patch-related, but it's imperative that patches are applied - immediately.

More Republican Outrage!

Republicans Are Panicking Because They Somehow Just Found Out You Can Buy Vibrators at CVS

They better put together some laws to prevent people from privacy in their own homes. NOW!

The sad truth of this is that we'd all be better if Tucker Carlson and Marjorie Taylor Greene (mentioned in the article) used these toys. If they don't already, which is a fair bet.

Ok, I thought it would be funny once the republicans got into office - they'd give the democrats a taste of their own medicine.  They're proving to be a largely un-funny lot. Vote libertarian. Or The Green Pen!

Naturally the Crazy Christians are at it again, but that's probably redundant.

Unfortunately, people will continue to get caught up in existing archaic, unconstitutional laws until they're repealed.

All Outrage

It appears as if there is finally some bipartisan support for something: national divorce.

Yeah, I had to look it up too. It's the idea that somehow the red states separate from the blue states.

Divide and Conquer has reached a whole new level. This is some sick stuff here. Could we put this back in the bottle and at least attempt to work together? Or just dump the 2 parties? For once, let's be too smart to let this happen.

 

The Space Shuttle Will Dock with New Jersey Tomorrow

Your love is like  porcupine popsicles

Global cocaine production has reached record levels as demand rebounds following Covid lockdowns, a new report has found.

Isn't it great that at least one segment bounced back from The Flying AIDS?

We need a success story now and then.

Today I identify as  a poisonous frog. Lick me.

• I don't really dislike people, I just prefer if they are somewhere else .  -stev2244

Backup Lunch? 

We know 'stuff happens' whenever it involves me and retail. Or online payments. Or trying to order things. It turns out this effect also applies when I'm not around(!)

Wife: I'll stop after my meeting and get you some lunch. What do you want?

Me: Just grab me some stuff you know I like.

Wife (from restaurant with Qdoba sign out front): What do you want to drink. Ok, let me push the buttons on the machine - don't hang up. No, they're completely out of Dr Pecker. How about iced tea-lemonade? Oh, wait, there's no lemonade.

Wife (outside restaurant): I don't know where they got the kid at the counter. Either he was never trained or he's just plain stupid.

Me: Why not both?

Wife: I can't vouch for your order. There's a Chik Filet next door. Do you want me to get you a backup lunch?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we need Backup Food because we know the original food won't be right.

At Home

Wife: You wouldn't believe it. He called the manager over. She asked why. He said to watch him check the order out. The manager shook her head and walked off. I should have too.

Me: Well, it's partially open and it's spilling. Hmmm.... that's an awful lot of cheese. I don't like cheese.

Wife: [gasps]

Me (picking around in bowl): Have you noticed anything? Perhaps something missing. They didn't put the MEAT in the fscking BOWL.

Her: That's the first thing they ask you - which protein do you want.

Me: It's getting pretty bad. This happens everywhere.

Her: And it cost $20 for the wrong bowl and 2 drinks.

Me: Supply Chain Issues? Call them and tell them you have a small suggestion for improvement: put the MEAT in the bowl when the customer orders it. It's a bizarre concept, but maybe they'll be open to it.

Her: Did you try the sweet tea? I don't want to say it's sweet, but I took one sip and spit out my pancreas.

Me: We have inadvertently saved a lot of money. We keep crossing the incompetent restaurants off our list and don't have anywhere to eat. We'll have to stay home for every meal.  The savings will be substantial. New guitar fund! 

It just gets tiresome, ya know? 

==========================================

The Musk Files - following the wacky weekly antics of a real American success story gone off the rails...

Musk said Twitter would open source its algorithm – then fired the people who could

Man Accidentally Drove Away in Someone Else’s Tesla Using the Car’s App

Tesla has a home battery to sell you, with or without solar

Yes, now your house can spontaneously combust - just like your car!

To be fair, it's the LI batteries, not Tesla. 

Microsoft just laid off an ethics team.

FIRE AWAY!  Oxymoron: Microsoft ethics. 

It's been a banner week for nazis:

• Stanford University is investigating swastikas and an image of Hitler, drawn on a Jewish student's door.

[Stanford University's ranking in the 2022-2023 edition of Best Colleges is National Universities, #3] .

It was the latest of several reported acts of vandalism that included antisemitic symbols and language at Stanford this academic year.  Our best and brightest! 

Naturally it's a 'hate crime.' Because it's illegal to draw on and deface property, but more illegal to do it based on religion. The dummies should have just drawn random pictures and they would be ok.

UC Berkeley said there is no crime here and Jews are still not allowed on campus; along with Zionists, people with any sense, and anyone to the right of Bernie Sanders.

• Nazi salutes, pepper spray and pistols: Ohio drag event devolves into an extremist melee

Hundreds of protesters, including armed white supremacists, members of several extremist groups and LGBTQ community supporters descended on Wadsworth, Ohio, a small town outside Akron, for a drag queen storytelling show

Did you ever, in your wildest dreams, expect white supremacists and LGBTQ supporters to be drawn together? Such is the power of Drag Storytelling.

 White supremacist protesters shouted "Heil Hitler" and made Nazi salutes outside the event

Old Adolph never knew how fondly (and often) he'd be remembered. 

There are unconfirmed reports that some of the white supremacists were in back of a building, swapping spit with some of the men in drag. The supremacists said it was ok because the drag performers were white.

* Although no one has gone full nazi yet, Wellesley College is in a snit over whether or not to admit trans men. The endless permutations of college, SJWs, and sexists make this a really funny (and sad) story.

The referendum, which is nonbinding, asks whether admission should be open to all nonbinary and transgender applicants, including trans men. Currently, the college allows admission to anyone who lives and consistently identifies as a woman.

The referendum would also make the college’s communications more gender 
inclusive — for example, using the word “students” or “alumni” instead of “women.” The new cheer is up in the air until this item has been settled.

 5  6  7  8  Who do we hate?

Men!  Trans men!  Logic!  Hitler!  Trump!

CEO: Bailing Out Tech '1000000x More Important Than Defending Ukraine'

STOP. Hey. Wait. Hold on!

This is a story about corporate greed.

Let me give you the real answer: we have no business doing either. NO. MORE. BAILOUTS.

If you want to help bail out tech or Ukraine, by all means do so. Just don't use force on the rest of us.

Speaking of the Space Station, it will reach end of service in the 2030s. The problem is bringing it down safely, on which NASA will spend around $1 billion. The president asked if $1 billion was enough, and gave them a few more billion, just in case. If there is change, he told them to use it on anything but the Debt.

Experts are not concerned about the Russian parts of the Station, as they are expected to malfunction and fall away by themselves.They are currently ahead of schedule, with both sections leaking air.

NASA is consulting with Congress, Governors, and industry on where to bring the Station down safely. The current choices are Detroit, somewhere on the planet of California, or on the studio that does Americans Idle and The Masked Furry.

But NASA doesn't sit idle, no sir. They just revealed the new spacesuit for the anticipated moon landing. Unfortunately this has become a bit of a hot potato: Ru Paul designed the suit, which is said to be FABulous. Pointing out the rainbow flare, the astronauts say it's not necessary and would prefer the suits be designed for functionality, not flair. They're concerned about trivial little items, like keeping the air in the suit. Ru Paul's camp issued a one word statement: Racists. LGBTQ+ groups demanded new astronauts or no Moon landing. UC Berkeley said fine, so long as the astronauts aren't Jewish. Drag groups demanded at least one member, for the first ever Drag Storytelling Event on the Moon. The Pentagon said if we think the last time we bombed the Moon was bad, wait til they see THIS time. The entire state of Texas said it would turn out with automatic weapons if there was a Drag event on the Moon. The Anti-Defamation League called the mission 'antisemitic.' Louis Farrakahn and Jesse Jackson said that it was just another plot by the 'Hymies.'

Catholic group spent millions on app data that tracked gay priests

It was unofficially called Project Catholic Tinder.

It was suggested they could pay less for storage by using an app to track priests that weren't gay.

When asked for comment, Monsignor Pope OohLaLa said it was a good thing they didn't have to pay for storage of the data on pedophile priests.

Dark Web, Damp Web, Dingy Web - Why Bother?

Two more dead as patients report horrifying details of eye drop outbreak

Don't use the eye drops in the article. I can't afford to lose any readers.

Give them to somebody you don't like.

Your love is like  skunk soup

I just read something that mentioned 'airplane position.' It bothers me. Have you ever heard of this before? I put some thought into it..

• You both show up in bed, but sex is canceled
• You know it's going to be a bad night because you're on Standby
• the bed is way too small and your body was not made to go in that position
• it just costs too much
• You're at the gate but it keeps getting postponed
• it just won't take off

Today I identify as  the NSA, CIA, and Illuminati's favorite blogger

• I have a brand new nose hair trimmer  - why am I still yanking them out one at a time? 
• I prefer braiding them

Wife watched the Oscars. I tried to dissuade her, but she said they were sometimes exciting.

She's right - they were so exciting they put together a security team in case of anymore Advanced Slapping Incidents. I was going to put a tv remote app on my phone, so I could keep turning the tv off, but marriage is a push-pull, giving and receiving, unholy war, so I have to lose sometimes. Most of the time, actually. It is written that marriage is 50/50. It's more like 89/11 in favor of the partner with breasts (don't ask about same sex relationships - I'm on a roll now). Stated another way, it's the Power of the P*ssy. They have it, you want it; it's really that simple. Women want to be equal. In many cases they want to be more equal. They want to have their cake and eat it too. Me, I say let them have their cake - I want to eat it. 

So there's no way in hell the Oscars are leaving the house. Wife was kind enough to mute the audio a lot and use closed captioning. See? Marriages ARE 89/11.. errr.... 50/50. My seat was specifically chosen so as not to be able to see the tv without finding a different chair.  This, however, did nothing to stop the audio. I didn't think it would happen so quickly, but the monologue included 'diversity' before the 5 minute mark. This explains the neighbors. They were playing the Oscar Drinking Game. Whenever anyone said 'diversity,' they all had to yell DIVERSITY and do a shot. Within 15 minutes an ambulance pulled up.  I didn't know alcohol poisoning was a real thing. We promised to watch their dog for them.

That's about as far as I got. I learned Jimmy Kimmel isn't funny, although I think I already knew that. Then Wife would jump up and down, telling me LOOK AT THAT!  It was invariably an attractive female star, wearing a dress wide open up top, and everyone could see a third of her boobies. Normally this would be cause for great celebration, but in Wife's own words, "I can't concentrate on what she's saying - all I can see is that her breasts are not the same size by a lot!" She was right. And it wasn't just one of them. Doesn't anybody have a trusted person in their entourage who can stop them and say, "Mrs. Langoria, Eve... we've known each other for 25 years and you know I never lie. Come stand in front of this mirror with me a second. Does anything look.... uneven? Asymmetrical? Out of balance? I've watched you dress hundreds of times and I know they're both the same size. Why does one look so much smaller than the other? Get some tape and even those babies up. You can't walk out in front of millions of people with 2 different cup sizes hanging out of your dress." Oh, I forgot. entourages are made up of yes men and women. If someone said that to Mariah Carey, they'd be on the next Amazon space shuttle, with instructions to let her out at the highest point of the journey. Either that, or Mariah would sing one of those notes so high it would crack her skull.

Speaking of Mariah Carey, I was at a record shop and saw an old poster of her. It was before her 2nd face and implants, before she went off the rails. I was in love again. I remember that poster - huge hair, black dress, that face. The woman was gorgeous. It's a shame she messed with perfection (and went off the rails).

I promise you that when I'm famous, nothing will change. I already scream, make objects airborne, and throw legendary fits. I'm almost like a rock star now. Why change?   I'll even keep up the blog. Being a rock star, I'll probably go from 6 followers to.. like.... 8! I'll become really big in some country I've never been to. My manager will tell me I'm HUGE in Malaysia. Malaysia? I asked actual Malaysians what the correct slur for Malaysians was and no one could tell me. I refuse to go to a country that doesn't even have their own slur.

Everybody's so different, I haven't changed.

-Joe Walsh, "Life's Been Good" 

TikTok users are aware of the Chinese ownership flap, but they don't care. They're going to use it anyway.

We are a nation of morons.

Another new tv series: "Help, I'm in a Secret Relationship." 

Not anymore.

President Giveaway is at it again, although the giveaway this time is not financial, it's our rights.

Biden issues executive order on background checks

Since Congress wouldn't do anything, he made law by executive fiat, like his predecessors.

It aims to move the US "as close to universal background checks as possible without additional legislation".

Since they can't outlaw guns, they're doing it by increments. We have a Constitutional right to bear arms. These people have no business messing with it, yet we sit for it. This time it's the democrats. President Giveaway called for a ban on assault weapons (except for his enforcers), but Congress won't pass it, specifically because of a republican-controlled House.

We need better crash test dummies, says Government Accountability Office

Congress isn't doing anything useful - give them a call.

A man who racially abused Brentford striker Ivan Toney on social media has been banned from every football ground in the United Kingdom for three years.

That's right, in the good old UK, a man said something offensive on social media and is now in Deep Doody.

Neill, of Blyth, Northumberland, was also handed a four-month jail sentence, suspended for two years.

As well as all matches in the UK, the banning order prevents Neill from travelling abroad to watch international friendlies, qualification matches and tournaments.

Hate Crime?  What a load of wankers, as they say in the UK. It's getting dangerous to live Over There. They pretend to have something akin to freedom of speech, but it's eroding. It would be on life support, but National Health is eroding too, and has no space in the hallways to put freedom of speech (and the machine that goes PING).

Over Here, I may disagree with what you say, but I stand for your right to say it.

How do you suppose they'll enforce the ban? Will they hire spotters at each entrance to every stadium to watch for him? Will they also hire spotters for events outside the UK? Will the spotters be armed with truncheons or harsh language?

Stop, or I shall say stop  again!

-John Cleese on British police

Mainstream or Pr0n

This is the exclusive ThermionicEmissions game where the reader picks whether the 2 movies, tv shows, or books are mainstream or pr0n.  No looking it up on the web - that's cheating.

1. Her Limit
2. All American Boys

Brian May- Queen guitarist, astrophysicist, animal activist, and all around good guy, was knighted by King Charles. The king had to stand on a tall podium to look Sir Brian in the eyes. Brian is living right - hats off and great respect.

No, Really - Pancakes 

The other day, as usual, it was time for breakfast. Never mind that it was 4pm - the first meal of the day is breakfast, you meal nazis.  We had 2 places to decide between, the winner was a place that rhymes with Ihop. Oops. We have 1 about 5 minutes from us, which is the reason we drive past it, to the one 25 minutes from us. After spending too much time at the close one, we discovered it's always better to go to the one farther out. We're not entirely sure what's up with the close one. One theory is that there is no manager. He went home 5 years ago and never came back. Thus the inmates are running the asylum. Another theory is the corporate office decided to experiment with new staffing ideas and didn't hire a manager, because they're too expensive. This left the store free to make people wait while employees made Very Important Phone Calls (to their bookies), swung from the rafters, and brought people the wrong food (20 minutes late). As if this wasn't enough fun, they seem to attract a rowdy, obnoxious crowd. The farther store is pleasant, we don't wait, and the crowd is obnoxiously loud, but not obnoxious in behavior. 

We knew we were going to get sat immediately because there were few cars in the parking lot. HA!

There was 1 other couple waiting already, which was a good sign (not).

Some dude in the kitchen waved and welcomed us.

So we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I told Wife they had 5 more minutes until I became (more) obnoxious and we left.

We had not seen a single employee since we sat down.

Finally! Somebody walked up to the register! She tapped a few keys and walked off.

Eventually another somebody walked up to the register, tapped some keys, and walked off. 

We stared at each other.

Then some lady came out and started doing something with menus. AH, we thought - we were about to get seated!

She walked away too.

Little did we know that the place that rhymes with Ihop has an Employee Entertainment Program, wherein employees.... entertain.. themselves and others. The lady who just walked away was in the kitchen, smoking whatever the rest of them were smoking, over the pancake batter, and told them she has a surefire Employee Entertainment Program winner. She'd come out near the customers, and shuffle menus so the customers would think they were finally being seated. When relief showed on their faces, she'd walk away. This explains the howls of laughter we heard when she walked off.

She reappeared long enough to say, "Ladies, I'm sorry, but I have absolutely no choice in this."

At last count there were 2 ladies and 2 guys. We were feeling some kinda way, being left out of the status report. Maybe she didn't like men. Perhaps she was going to the Oscars and wouldn't talk to men, who represented the Patriarchy and were there to keep everybody down. Regardless, we remained confused, which also explained the additional laughter from the kitchen. Corporate has no idea how successful the Employee Entertainment Program is. Eventually she returned. We watched and waited for her to retreat or lead the staff in singing "I Shall Be Released."  No, she was actually going to seat the other couple (even though 1 of them was male). As we got up to leave, the other couple said we should prepare to wait 30 minutes, like they did.

HUH?  

I located Menu Lady and let her know we were leaving, as we didn't have the rest of our lives to wait for a WAITress or for them to get their stuff together. She looked horribly confused (I later found out that's the way she looks all the time - she's the manager) and said, "Uhhh...... Ok." We were overjoyed we had her permission.

We fully understand that sometimes there are problems. Sometimes the children who work there call out for fun.  If someone had just said something to us, things would have been fine. Instead, we sat under the very loud speaker, which was playing country music. In most countries, this is against the Geneva Convention: you can't treat prisoners this way.... it's cruel and inhuman. This is the reason we don't go to the closer Ihop.

As we got in the car, I warned 2 other cars not to bother going in there: they'd have to wait til their young children were ready for college before getting a table. I'm used to being looked at like I have 3 heads (instead of my usual 2) and these folks did not disappoint. We watched them enter as we were driving off. Oh well, I certainly tried to do a good deed.

Right down the street was a restaurant that rhymes with Bed Bobbin. We had never been there, and burgers beat pancakes for breakfast at 5pm. It was a very strange experience: we got seated immediately, staff was pleasant and communicative, the food showed up in record time, and we liked it. This sort of thing doesn't happen to us. The dessert was measured by height instead of weight. It was like 6" tall, and full of chocolate.

On the way home, we noticed 4 cars in the Ihop lot at 6pm. You reap what you sow, dingleberries.

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: Why do you need to go outside, then need to go outside 5 minutes later?

Her: Think about it. What happens when I come back in?

Me: You get a cookie.

Her: Do I need to explain further?

Me: But I was on a meeting with the CIO!

Her: Well, you can either get up and let me out, or take your chances with the furniture.

Me: How did you get so smart?

Her: Dog videos.

Me: YouTube?

Her: Bark Tok.

I've been really worried about Americans visiting Mexico, because of the cartels and lawlessness. I figured the only thing that would save the place was the tourist dollars, so maybe it wasn't that bad.

The other week, we heard that 2 Americans were killed and 2 more kidnapped by a cartel.

I think I can safely say Mexico is not a good idea at this point.

But wait.... the cartel apologized; they made a mistake. The 2 victims were mistaken for someones else. They left their own gunmen tied up on a road for the police to pick up, with a note of apology.

This means that violent Mexican drug cartels have a higher and more strict moral code than Congress.

Hypocrite Much?

Congressman confronts FBI over “egregious” unlawful search of his personal data

Ladies and Gentlemen, we might have some help with trying ti get ourselves out from under our own government's illegal, unwarranted surveillance. Rep Darin LaHood (R-Ill) discovered he was being spied on by the FBI. Many parts of his cranium exploded and words like careless, abuse, FISA, and egregious came from his mouth.

LaHood is one of the Congressmen voting to renew Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. This is the very act abused to spy on him. This is the problem. 9-11 led to the Patriot Act, major expansion of government, and tons of new laws to 'keep us safe.' Instead, the whole enchilada has been used to expand spying on innocent Americans. They. Don't. Care. The opportunity is there, and they are going to take it. Are we that stupid that we believe they won't? That we believe it's ok? We are Constitutionally guaranteed freedom from illegal search, which this clearly is. None of the letter agencies will pay for this, but we need to understand what's going on.

The government figured a way around your privacy, using a FISA court to keep everything secret. Rather than going to court to get a warrant for your personal information, they go to a special FISA court, which rubber stamps the request, but is exempt from disclosure because National Security, This is another violation. The only violation of National Security is our own 'leaders' spying on their own people. 9-11 was just an excuse. The Patriot Act was prepared long in advance of 9-11 (it was on the Congressmen's desks right after) . It was huge and no one bothered to read it - they just signed, because not to sign meant you were not patriotic. You were with Them - the alleged enemy. There were only a few non-signers, notably Ron Paul.

FBI director Christopher Wray said that he “completely” understood LaHood’s concerns, while emphasizing that the FBI has already implemented reforms and safeguards to prevent similar abuses in the future.

We swear. We promise. Wink wink. 

Strangely, it never occurred to them before LaHood found out and went public.

Yes, Mom, I fully admit to eating the cookies. I can understand why you're upset. I want you to know that improvements and additional safety have been put in place to discourage this in the future. Everything will be A-ok from now on.

LaHood, being just another Congressman, says that Section 702 is "invaluable." He deserves to stew in what he wrought.  Meanwhile, many wish to scrap 702 entirely. Contact your Congresscritter and tell them you support complete removal of 702. And the Patriot Act, while they're at it. Expect to hear back that these are vital for national security and not letting the terrorists win.

warned that the statute “puts a hole in the Fourth Amendment” and was leveraged to conduct 3.4 million “backdoor searches” of hundreds of millions of private communications between December 2020 to November 2021.

And that's only the tiny slice that they'll admit to. Congress is clueless about 702 in general, as the article points out. The 'safeguards' they talk about won't matter - they'll find another way around them or just continue until they get caught again. If there is any opportunity at all, they will use it, legal or not.

Then we'll talk about the NSA, which is completely exempt from laws and control.

[If I wasn't on a list already, I am now.]

Hey, remember all the LGBTQ+ negativity coming from the republicans, including laws against drag performance? One republican, Lt Gov Randy McNally (R-TN). just got caught 'liking' pictures of a young gay model removing clothing. The hypocrisy would be stunning if this didn't happen so frequently. This is what we have in office, in either party.

Flight 2738 from Philadelphia has landed. People waiting for passengers should meet at the end of runway 2 right. Watch your
step.

Mainstream or Pr0n

1. Her Limit - pr0n
2. All American Boys - regular old book

The Effects of Chunky Peanut Butter on the Spin of Quantum Particles

Your love is like  broom handles in places they shouldn't be.

The good news is that "it's crazy good" is on its way out.

The bad news is that it's been replaced with "it's super good." I'm super happy we're going to the mall. We're going to have a super great time. We can eat at the super good restaurant and have a super delicious meal.  It's been quite a few years, but as far as I remember, 'super' is an adjective, not an adverb. You can have a super car or an awesome car, but not a super awesome car. It sounds super stupid.

Today I identify as  a supporter of LGBT, but not LGBTQ+  - too many letters.

For some reason, I was allowed out of the house the other day.  We went to a local mall, because it's the closest thing to exercise I get (other than getting up from the sofa). It was a semi-upscale mall, so there are some interesting stores. Or at least there were interesting stores. After bodily separating Wife from her magnet store, we ventured out into the mall itself. I should have known something was up because the lights were at half mast (or someone forgot to pay the electric bill). The atmosphere as far as we could see was dingy. The mall was open and there were people about, but it looked like 2am with most of the lights off. Halfway through it was much better lit. It took a while to figure it out, but the local government obviously planned out the lighting so that the occupied parts of the mall were dark and the hastily abandoned stores were well-lit. It was kinda scary that most of the stores were not occupied, as in there was no store there.  Perhaps the lit non-stores were to draw attention for the need for stores. There was no rhyme or reason for which stores were still open, but the 2nd floor was largely closed. The only places that seemed to be doing well were fast food. A Subway closed. I've never seen a Subway close. It was the only place that was decent. The alleged food court consisted of the aforementioned closed Subway, the Real Imitation Pizza Stall, and Asian food, with a genuine Asian person standing out front, not letting you pass until you tried one of their samples.  NONE SHALL PASS.  If you try a sample of whatever they just fried in whatever they just fried it, you had better not cough or the toothpick will lodge in your throat. This would be unfortunate, as you'd have to call 911, then try to describe which closed store you're at.

Come quick - someone's got something in this throat!

Ok, what's in his throat?

Do I sound like I'm about to stick my fingers down his throat and find out? I did my civic and moral duty by calling 911.

Where is the choking person with indeterminate something caught in his throat?

Bob's Mall.

Uh-oh.  Can you tell me where in the mall you are?

MMMmmmmm it's kinda hard. Come in the entrance where Sears used to be. Pass 14 closed stores on your left. Take a right where Chik Filet was and you'll see the stall where Dairy Queen used to be. If you look to your left, that's where the Subway was - you can tell because the lights are out but all the stuff is still there, like the restaurant closed for the night. This is probably what happened, but they forgot to come back for 6 months. Look to your right. You will see a ring of people, about 25' in diameter, all with phones out. They're taking video of the blue guy choking to death. A few are live-streaming to Faceyspaces and Tik Tok. In the middle of the circle is the choking dude. That's what the videos are all going to be titled: Choking Dude at Bob's Mall. You should check them out later... some of the phones have those high definition cameras, so the quality will be pretty good.

Ok, sir, I'm back, sorry for the delay. Where are you located?

What I really wanted, out of what was open at the mall, was a malt. I got really lucky, in that there was only 1 person (a really hot 1 person) in line when I got there. For some reason, she stood there with her kids, and nothing seemed to be happening. Eventually a male showed up, probably her husband; said a few words, and was off. I continued to wait. And wait. And wait. As the urge to commit violence threatened to overtake me, I left. Later on I figured out what happened: there was 1 person being served, which brought their meager capabilities to a grinding halt. This was before I showed up. I supposed my arrival caused an emergency of unprecedented proportions, so they just went right into Defense Mode and shut down completely. I've seen smoother nervous breakdowns. Small wonder the mall was on life support. Even sadder was that food was popular, pretty much the only thing doing business. Just a malt. A simple milkshake with the addition of malt powder. They were Dairy Queen. It's supposed to be a thing they prepare all the time. Milkshakes are not that difficult and wildly popular. But then again, so is suicide. As usual, Wife was a calming influence ("Don't you DARE throw anybody over the railing to the 1st floor. I warned you about this last time!").

• Speaking of the unbelievable, there is a country music song called "She thinks my tractor is sexy." I think country music has breathed its last, or at least jumped the shark. And the whale.

..future robots to push the limits of non-human biology. For instance, a team of researchers at the University of Colorado Boulder recently developed a material that could give rise to soft robots capable of jumping 200 times above their own thickness. Grasshoppers, one of the most astonishing leapers on Earth, can leap into the air only up to 20 times their body lengths

Nobody knows why this is important. 

Sir, we now have a robot that can jump 200 times its height!

That's lovely, Jenkins. This matters why?

Sir, grasshoppers can jump 20 times their own height, but our robot can jump 200! 200 is ten times the normal grasshopper ability!

And of what use is this on the battlefield? 

We can stun our enemies, Sir. While they're watching our robot leap 200', we shoot and kill most of them. The rest go back to their officers and explain they just saw a giant grasshopper hop 200' in the air. They'll all be dismissed on psych grounds.

So we'll have an 80% kill rate and a 20% Section 8 rate? Fascinating.

But that's not all, Sir.

No, it never is.

Because it doesn't have to breathe, like, I dunno, grasshoppers, we can send them into space, with satellites. They can leap 200' in any direction. Do you realize, Sir, that in months, we will achieve Giant Robot Grasshopper superiority in space??

Yes, Jenkins, you have something here. As the world leader, we need Giant Robot Grasshopper superiority in space. We can have Space Force put leashes on them and go for space walks. This is the kind of forward thinking this army needs. You and I will be up for promotions. Well, at least *I* will. I need to get on the horn to Halliburton to start production. Since we tanked the economy, a good round of incredibly expensive hardware will put things back where they were. It'll be just like when Dick Cheney was here. I hear Dick's way down below, where it's very hot. He's teaching Satan some new tricks.

I think I've just been censored. I typed out the above bit, went to preview it, and it wasn't there. Funny, I could see what I just typed, only it wasn't there in preview. That's a first, even for Google. When I went to check on something else, I came back and now even my typing was gone. Maybe it was aliens. Or worse; ancient astronaut theorists.

• Perrier is the liquid form of cardboard

One of the main themes of this blog is documenting one man's descent into madness.

It should be complete shortly.

Well, not exactly.

For a while recently, I've had trouble with the object end of sentences.

I'll think to myself, "I really need to do something about the gutters."

5 minutes later, I turn to Wife and say, "I really need to do something about the.... DAMMIT... things that go around the house and redirect rain water." 

At my last doctor visit, I asked about this, fearful of the answer. He said no problem - you're getting older. It's normal.

Fsck. Really? 

I've used words all my life. Generally they pop right up when requested.

If it's supposed to make me feel any better, the siblings have the same problem.

If it's supposed to make me feel any worse, Alzheimer's can be hereditary.

I'm not entirely sure I like this. It's not even really funny for the blog (unless it involves talking to police or a judge). 

Aside from forgetting words for a minute or 3, the mind seems to work.

Except when there are 2 things to be done. If I go into the kitchen to throw something out and get a drink, odds are I will walk out of the kitchen with a drink and the thing I was going to throw out. I couldn't see it because it was too close to my face, apparently. Last night I went to turn the light out on the way to bed, then remembered I had to carry some clothes to the bedroom. I picked up the clothes and walked right by the lamp I was turning off. I think this is ADD, not AGE.

• The latest Firefox is out. Normally I don't mention this, but this release has a new locale: Sandinia. So all my Sardinian readers can rejoice! 
• Since life always closely resembles Monty Python, you can find Sardinia featured in the International Hide and Seek games sketch.

So GM plans to put AI in your car, via ChatGPT. You already know about ChatGPT because it's online and you can use it for the cost of registering. I'm sure there was a lot of work that went into this project, but you have to wonder how they programmed it for 'other things' heard in a car. How would it respond to:

• GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU ANCIENT MF'er - YOU'RE TOO OLD TO DRIVE
• Nice turn signal, asswipe
• Get out of my trunk, idiot
• Ha - you had to pass me and now we're stuck at the same red light. Feel accomplished now?
• I think he's drunk. Or stupid. Or both.
• Honey, please don't watch Death Race 2000 while driving. This isn't a Tesla.
• Weren't there 2 heads in that car? Why is there only 1 now... ohhhh
• Would you STOP slamming the brakes? The bodies in the trunk are rolling around.

The ratings for this year's Oscars are up 12% over last year.

I'm very disappointed in you.

The other morning in Philly, someone drove their Family Hauling Vehicle, formerly knows as 'minivan,' into police headquarters. The police were apoplectic but handled their jobs professionally, with the obviously intoxicated driver only 'falling down the steps' 2 or 3 times. When asked why he did it, the driver couldn't understand what all the fuss was: he was drunk and saved the cops the effort of a long chase, and turned himself in.

Canada is having a bit of a problem with errant drivers. A truck plowed into pedestrians, killing 2, in northern Quebec. Last month a man intentionally drove a bus into a Montreal daycare center, killing 2 children.

Let this be a lesson: this is what happens when you outlaw guns.

(yup, I'm going straight to hell)

My momma talkin to me tryina tell me how to live
But I don't listen to her cuz my head is like a sieve
-Cheech and Chong

A Month of Mondays

Your love is like  asparagus jelly

It's Women's History Month, as work reminded me. These emails are getting through my filters, then I get agitated, then I take it out on you, the readers.

Still no left handed history month 

How, you ask, does one celebrate Women's History Month? Let me count the ways..

1. pray for the next ridiculous month's celebration to come quickly
2. bitch, yell, carp, scream, or complain at somebody, preferably a man
3. talk about window treatments, new furniture, and the perfect flowerpot for that space
4. take 4 times the usual number of minutes (hours) to get ready
5. pretend you didn't notice your shirt is buttoned as low as it is
6. when somebody cuts you off, don't scream at them
7. when asked to take out the trash, tell your spouse not now, you have a headache

Today I identify as  Lieutenant Columbo (deceased)

The Phrases are getting out of hand.

"Game Changer" has to be used at least once every 3 minutes, whether on tv or at work.

"At the end of the day" is quickly catching up.

The only good news is that "it is what it is" is falling out of favor.

We, as Linguistic Police, have a duty to knock this stuff out of the lexicon.

You're going to be shocked. Or maybe not.

But there are now babies born with 3 parents, currently only legal in the UK.

Apparently there are a few ways of doing this, but the easy way is always the best. It involves 3 or more people, a mattress, a donkey, and Alec Baldwin's 'stunt' gun. If one of the persons has a disease, you might want to go via genetic manipulation, which is considerably less fun, even though the donkey is still on the table.  The 3 parent technique could create babies at risk of severe disease.

• So called 'normal' people want some time to figure out what's going on, because they blank out when someone says 'science.'
• Republicans desperately need something in there about killing babies so they can pass a bill against it.
• LGBTQ+1 organizations (the democrats) need something in there about killing babies so they can pass a bill protecting it.
• Religious organizations forbid it because the 3 parents aren't married and can't be married (but send the donkey anyway).
• What about the man in the street? People in the street should get to a sidewalk quickly, lest they become a statistic.

Supreme Court declines to decide whether city-backed prayer vigil violated First Amendment

Of course it did. The clickbait headline neglects to mention that the courts are first deciding whether the 2 plaintiffs have a right to sue. In refusing, it gets kicked back to lower courts to make the determination of standing, then violation.

At issue for the Supreme Court was a more procedural question: Whether the plaintiffs, who attended the rally and alleged they were “aggrieved” by what they saw, were injured enough to meet the threshold for suing.

Huh? I don't believe you need to be a certain degree of 'aggrieved' to sue. A violation is a violation. I'll be back with more Backseat Legal Driving next week. The Supreme Court is moving to the side of religion lately. This issue needs to be monitored- it affects all of us.

Scientists have mapped a secret hidden corridor in Great Pyramid of Giza

Ancient Astronaut Theorists say this is proof that the pyramids were constructed by aliens because the Egyptians didn't have the technology or ability to build a corridor.

Regular Old Theorists say this points to there bring a big hole in the pyramid.

Archaeologists say they're pissed because they can't even get permission to look at the pyramid.

The dog was chewing on something. Upon closer inspection, she had brought in a mouse. Or most of a mouse. Instead of dropping it on her mommy as a present, she decided it was too tasty to give away. After a brief but loud discussion, I was elected to remove it (or what was left of it). Part of me is revulsed, the other part proud. I will keep this in mind later, when she starts to lick my pillow.

Biden FCC nominee withdraws, blaming cable lobby and “unlimited dark money“

• Oh yeah, she's also a lesbian. This fact made a certain political party very upset. I won't mention which one. Much mud was thrown at her.
• I remember the 2016 elections. The Log Cabin Republicans were a group of gay people voting republican. The R-tent looked very inclusive back then. Apparently the tent shrunk in the wash, only leaving room for certain republicans.
• Nobody mentioned Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg.

Spokespersons for both parties preferred to emphasize the positive: they are in complete agreement with each other in many areas: higher salaries, larger government, less rights, and higher taxes.

Wife, returning from whatever it is she does in the morning, asked what I wanted for breakfast.

Apparently she didn't take me seriously when I said malt, bacon burger, or barbecue. After all these years, she still doesn't know when to take me seriously. I'll probably wind up with one of those disgusting breakfast things. The convenience store has Breakfast Burritos. Burritos are my favorite Mexican food, but Breakfast Burritos have things like eggs and sausage in them. Who eats this stuff in the morning? Or at all? Then I reminded her we probably still have Breakfast Burritos from last week. If we do, they're a lovely shade of blue and furry now. I suggested an egg, cheese, bacon sandwich, hold the egg and cheese, but she doesn't remember too good, so it's always a surprise; usually not in my favor. As least I can count on a Coke (unless Supply Chain Difficulties stopped all Coke products from showing up. Again). 

There are certain foods that are foreign to me because my mom didn't make them. Sausage is one. It's ok, as I really don't like it. I remember having the best popcorn of my life once, at a friend's house. After a bit of intensive detective work, it was discovered that Friend used butter, while Mom used margarine on our popcorn. We solved it amicably, by promising not to call Child Services if she used butter in the future. Have I mentioned we were complete bastards? Nothing changed.

Another thing that really threw me for a loop was people getting burgers with mayonnaise. No sane person where I grew up put mayo on burgers. Whenever we left the area, I had to specify NO MAYO on burgers. It was counter-intuitive.  When I forgot, I had to give the burger to my brother, who hated mayo on burgers too, but I was the bigger brother and would maim counsel him if he did not follow my orders instructions.

Speaking of instructions, we went food shopping last night, reminding my why food shopping is not one of my chores. I will gladly do dishes and haul service elephant poop out of the living room, so long as I don't have to go food shopping. First of all, we have to make sure it's not more than the mortgage payment. I noticed the dog eats better than we do, especially treats. Her treats are more numerous and healthy than anything we eat. And more expensive. This is because there are more stringent regulations for pet food than human food. This is counterproductive, because if we die first, who will buy treats for the dog?

Never ask 2 people with little to no memory to go to the meat counter. Since there were only 2 people behind the counter and 2 people in front of the counter, they were completely jammed up. One was on strike and the other involved in deep conversation with the good looking blonde next to us. We noticed that nobody was actually slicing anything, so we used the electronic order thingie to order and we'd pick it up later in our trip. Hopefully the guy allegedly slicing the meat would be done with the blonde by that time, assuming a brunette hadn't shown up later. Later at home, Wife asked if I put the meat away. No I didn't, largely because neither of us remembered to go back to the meat counter to get our already-sliced order.  Damned if we do, hungry if we don't. Next time we go shopping with an adult.

No blog entry would be complete without news of Tesla.

Last week it was rear seats turning into ejector seats. Like there's something wrong with that.

This week it's steering wheels falling off. This is a particularly good one. I wonder if you hit autodrive when the steering wheel falls off or just panic and scream your head off.

• There's a Tesla down the street.  Every time I pass it I laugh and think of posting updates on it. I'd tape them to the windshield, but I'd be afraid it would fall out or spontaneously combust.

But we're not done with Elon Musk yet. The EU told him to hire more staff to moderate Twitter.

I'm not sure why his business is any of the EU's business and highly encourage Elon to troll the hell out of them on Twitter. Perhaps he can encourage the EU to fund their demand.

A place to exercise your brain? Introducing mental health gyms

Yeah, we've run out of good and even marginally bad ideas. Now we're beneath the bottom of the barrel. Mental health gyms? It's not polite to poke fun at people with issues, especially considering my entire house has issues, including the dog. But you're reading ThermionicEmissions, where we poke at everything. Besides, what do you suppose you do at a mental health gym?

• Parietal lobe push-ups
• Cerebral Cortex chin-ups
• Frontal lobe fscking around
• Basal ganglia boxing
• Brain Stem Boogie -cool down

Volkswagen took some heat last month, when they were asked to track a car by the police. Volkswagen told the fuzz that they wouldn't track nothin' till somebody paid the bill to reactivate the 'connected car service.'

Volkswagen is very sorry  they got caught and says it will never happen again they will not get caught a second time. The service has been made free so they won't get caught again. They are testing implants that let the police know what the driver and passengers are thinking. At this point, the implants are rectal, so when the state makes them mandatory, the driver can tell them to stick it up their ass.

It's International Women's Day. Or it was International Women's Day.

It comes in the middle of Women's History Month.

I dunno.... it looks to me like the people who come up with this crap are all female.

Every day is Women's Day. We love them. We worship them. They demand it.

It was just Valentine's Day. I never get a thing on V-day. Not so much as a piece of candy. It's all about the women. Roses increase from $12/dozen to $75/dozen. If you have a penis, you had better be prepared to bring the goods, whether flowers, candy, dinner, jewelry, or new cars. Maybe a yacht or a small office building. Perhaps a reversal of your vasectomy. Perhaps a vasectomy. You never see women rushing all over stores, worried and upset they can't find the perfect V-Day gift for their husband(s). 

So it's Valentine's Day, International Women's Day, Women's History Month, Do as you're told year, and She Who Must Be Obeyed life. It carries you from birth to death, which may be hastened by failure to observe any of these mandatory holidays. 

Mrs. lefty specifies there will be no presents on V-Day (not just for me). She forgets to balk when the flowers show up. 

Hardest Ride? Toyota Priapus

Your love is like  Dolly Parton's first 125 bras: hidden, strained beyond belief, waiting for better material

Half of world on track to be overweight by 2035

In these days of divide and conquer, disagreement, and bad politics, it's great that the world can come together and achieve a goal.

Today I identify as  a book on drag, coming to 'convert' your children

Thought you'd opted out of online tracking? Think again

If you think opting out does anything at all, you're sadly mistaken. It won't change til you pay attention to it.

Mainstream or Pr0n

This is the exclusive ThermionicEmissions game where the reader picks whether the 2 movies or tv shoes are mainstream or pr0n.  No looking it up on the web - that's cheating.

1. Hot and Lovely Charm
2. Lustery

Oops - President Giveaway stumbled up the steps of Air Force One for the 2nd time in 2 weeks.

Asked for comment, he pushed his press secretary aside and addressed the teeming masses:

As your commander-in-thief, I need to address the lies about me stumbling up the steps to Air Force One. First of all, it was Air Force Seven [Secret Service whispers in ear - we don't have an Air Force Seven, Sir.]. Thirdly, you people clearly don't understand gravity: it makes going up the steps a breeze, but coming down is a bitch. I think those steps were made in China. We need to get rid of them.

Press: But Mr. President, you tripped up the steps.

Now don't get smart with me or I'll have you shipped to Aruba. These steps are treacherous; they try to get me every time. Instead of reporting I got tripped twice, what about the other 4 times I didn't trip, huh?

Press: Mr. President, that's when the Secret Service carried you.

[to Secret Service] Throw him in the Trump Room.

Any of you other wiseacres have any more smart questions?

Press: Baba Booie  Baba Booie.

Yes, I know him well. If you can keep a secret, he may be my running mate.

Press: Will you be running for president again?

No, the doctors tell me to run around the house. Kamila told me that minorities have first shot at being president. Sometimes she's a real crackpot. [Secret Service: crack UP, Sir]

Press: Was that a joke?

Was what a joke?

Press: the Pentagon won't release any information on the 3 UAPs shot down last week. What can you tell us?

Oh they were big and round [holds arms out] and flew around like this [spins]. I said we need to be friendly, so I told them to shoot the UAPs down. 6 days later, they shot them down. See how important I am?

Press: Mr. President, what were they?

Oh, they were really shiny.

Press: Were they alien?

No, they were ships. Keep up with me. I have a lot to do today. After the conference we're going to McDonald's for... what's that thing called?  A Depressed Meal. Last question....

Press: Ronald Reagan ate jellybeans. Bill Clinton ate staff, and Hillary Clinton ate babies. What will you be known for?

Cardboard. I eat it and have the I.Q. of it. Just because you were so great today, I'd like to give you a small gift of $27 million. Each. We'll keep it secret from the National Debt, ok?

We came upon a few entrepreneurs selling Girl Scout Cookies the other day.

I don't know about you, but I can't trust any organization that doesn't molest its members. No wonder they keep trying to get in the Boy Scouts. 

My memory isn't all that good, but I distinctly remember that the cookies were affordable and numerous. Then the price crept up. Then there were plastic inserts that cut down the amount of cookies. Then the price went up again. Yearly. The national organization realized that they only have a few more years until the country realizes what they're doing, so they need a new scheme. In 2030, you will be charged $8.50 for not buying the cookies. The price will go up if you weren't going to buy more than one box.

• Meanwhile, the Boy Scouts, upset at the level of abuse, want to hold all their meetings at Catholic churches, where they could potentially double the abuse.

The latest court circus is called the Ice Cream Man Murder. A poor dude running his ice cream truck gets mugged. He then plays investigator to find the mugger, goes to his house and shoots him.  Apparently this is illegal.  I don't see why.. the guy should get a medal, plus an award from the police for tracking the societal leech down. For some reason, my fellow libertarians are mad at me. Damned if I know.

There's something up at the top ladder of Rich Folks.

• Lord Zuck has cut Meta's budget, but quadrupled his personal security.
• Elon Musk has lowered the price of Teslas twice, fired half of Twitter, and his bodyguards follow him into the bathroom.  Asked for comment, Musk said he still does all his own wiping, to save money.
• Jeff Bezos traded favors with William Shatner and will be starring in the new movie - Star Trek 47: Kirk Gets a Colostomy.

Speaking of Tesla, there is a(nother) recall. The rear seat was not properly secured and will behave as an Ejector Seat. You can't have a rear seat eject because people who buy Teslas sit in the back seat, expecting the car to drive itself. The bolts will have to be re-torqued and the drivers will require an IQ test and flameproof suit, in case of spontaneous combustion. The rear seat will be renamed "In-law Seat".

Chick-fil-A confirms accounts hacked in months-long "automated" attack

The lord helps those that help themselves. So keep up thine patches and antiviruses. And for God's sake, stay open on Sundays.

Abstaining from masturbating RAISES risk of anxiety, depression and erectile dysfunction, study warns

Well of course it does. Why did we need a study to determine medical facts not in dispute? One has to keep the prostate healthy by masturbating or sex several times per week. You don't want an upset prostate, trust me. I got this advice from a doctor years ago. I told him to write me a note saying this, so I could present it to my girlfriend. I also asked if Blue Cross/Blue Shield covered it, in case I needed a professional.

Oh, this is Reddit's NoFap routine.

I guess someone needed a few million for an intense study.

There are other studies:

• Does sex feel good?
• Is getting out of bed now and then better for your body?
• Breathing: Good or Bad?
• Dogs: do they have fur?

Microsoft gives Bing's AI chatbot personality options

How many do you suppose there will be? Anything under 10 personalities is boring.

Mainstream or Pr0n answer

1. Hot and Lovely Charm - a Windows game
2. Lustery - pr0n

Zircon Encrusted Sneakers

Your love is like  peanut butter broccoli

Doctor: removed a cancerous lesion from Biden’s chest

ThermionicEmissions wishes the best of health for the president.

And hopes that he can campaign without a head.

Today I identify as  certainly not a dead rock star, that's for sure.

NASA finds crashing spacecraft into asteroids is a viable defence strategy

If all else fails, shoot it, bomb it, or throw a spacecraft at it.

• I've had it with YouTube. I might have been the last person on the planet to use it more than once a month. It is so chock full of crap, and this is before the video even starts. Every time, the same crap I have to click through. YouTube, I am just Not Interested in all this garbage, just to see a video. I'm fully aware that nothing's free, but things keep adding up. Cable tv wasn't supposed to have commercials either, which lasted about a week. Don't go down that road (yeah, right). People are coming up with browser extensions to bypass some of the aggravation. People are also going elsewhere in droves, both because of this and your draconian censorship.
• I notice that nothing on the front page ever appeals to me. I guess I'm way out of your target demographic (which appears to be 12-15, female).

I complain a lot about the weather, with great justification.

To be fair, I want to accentuate the positive: it has been sunny for 2 days!

Also to be fair: that's our entire allotment for the month.

Remember Havana Syndrome? Where people in our embassies were getting headaches, brain injuries, hearing loss, and the voices stopped talking to them. US Intelligence (oxymoron alert!) studied 1,000 anomalous health incidents (AHI, because the government cannot do anything without an abbreviation). People suspected some sort of beam weapon.  

Of the seven intelligence agencies that undertook the investigation, five determined that "available intelligence consistently points against the involvement of US adversaries in causing the reported incidents," according to an unclassified version of the report released Wednesday by the House intelligence committee. Those five agencies deemed foreign adversary involvement "very unlikely." One considered it "unlikely" and one declined to state a conclusion. 

They literally have no idea. But they know it wasn't a weapon. Or terrorism. Or aliens - that's for sure.

probably the result of factors that did not involve a foreign adversary, such as preexisting conditions, conventional illnesses, and environmental factors," the report reads. 

Keeping in mind that neither you nor I was there or conducted any kind of study, the reasons stated above are the same ridiculous answers provided about UFO/UAPs. I have 1 question: do you mean to tell me that everyone at all of the affected embassies had pre-existing conditions, or conventional illnesses, or it was an environmental factor at every one? Do we look that stupid? 

I withdraw my last question, Your Honor.

The PineTab2 comes out this April, starting at $159. Pine is a very interesting company, putting out products that are all designed by amateurs and run on open source software (usually linux). The Tab follows the PinePhone (designed for security too), and PineBook Pro is $219. There's even a PineWatch and soldering iron. I'm confused about the soldering iron... I've used one for years and years, and see no gain to this one (digitally temperature controlled). I like the concept of the phones; they're not $1,200 and tied to Google or Apple. The laptops are quite appealing. Note that they use SD cards for memory - you're not going to get a 2TB hard drive in one. They run on many different varieties of linux (sorry, no Windows). For $199 or more, they're fully functional and worth a look. The people who have them are very happy with them. The whole thing becomes a community effort. 

I'd highly recommend taking a look at the Pine Store. I was all set to get the phone, but want something with more horsepower to replace my existing phone. I suspect the addons aren't mature at this point, while the PineBook Pro is all sorted out. There are forums for all products and everybody is cooperative and verbal. The only caution is to look further than the price on all items, in case there's something that doesn't work for you or is immature. I'll probably wind up with a Pinebook Pro (my only issue is that it doesn't have a 17" display), which can't screw up more than my existing laptop, from System76 (see System76 page). They're light years apart in just about every specification. At $219, they're a great deal. And if you can use Windows, you can use linux. A start button is a start button, regardless. Same with a program menu, and Ctrl-P for print. You'll recognize all the office apps, that use mostly the same keys and functions. You can even use the PineBook to learn linux, without disturbing your Windows machine.

Rare Jurassic-era bug found at Arkansas Walmart

It hasn't been seen since the 1950s and was presumed extinct.

It was earning $1.50 an hour at Walmart, working in janitorial services. Walmart explained that the minimum wage 1,000 years ago was $0.0325/week, so $1.50 is adjusted for time and inflation. The bug  works 80 hours per week, which should give you some idea why we thought they were extinct.

Election 2024

Everybody is gearing up for the next presidential election. We checked in with each candidate:

• Donald Trump: Everybody loves me and is waiting for me to come back. 
• Joe Biden: 2023 will be my year, I'll be VP again!
• DeSantis: I haven't said anything about running, but most of what I say pisses people off
• Steve Laffey (R): Who? 
• Nikki Haley (R): I am the only chick and women have to vote for women (unless they're libertarians, like last election) My platform is poking Trump.
• Vivek Ramaswamy (R): I'm just here to see if people can pronounce Ramaswamy. I have as much chance as a black Jewish lesbian communist midget with The Flying AIDS
• Marianne Williamson (D): I endorsed Bernie Sanders, what else do you need to know? 
• The Democrats: We won by running 22 questionable candidates against Trump. Why mess with a winning formula? 
• The Republicans (R): Gawd help us.
• The Libertarians: We have a lot of infighting to do before we pick a candidate. We have to pay $15 million and get 25 billion signatures to qualify.

The PEN. 

Don't forget about The Green Pen. It's a longshot, but the Pen is the way to go. It won't be politics as usual. There will be no red ink. The Green Pen has no gender, except in Spanish, so that's off the table for fighting. This will also get the SJW vote... The Green Pen is whatever gender you like. In fact, it could be transgender too. It needs a much smaller Secret Service detail, and can be hidden in someone's pocket in an emergency. It will reduce the debt. The only price rise will be green pens, which will go through the roof, especially on Ebay. WOW! LOOK! VINTAGE GREEN PEN LOOK! WOW! Serious bidders only!

The Pen has had its memory, cognition, and ink level tested and performed in the 95th percentile. Although its age is indeterminate, best guesses are below 5, but that's old for a pen. It has a higher IQ than the rest of the pack combined. In a candid moment, The Pen quipped that this is not a difficult task.

Here is some of The Pen's platform:

• tax breaks for the left handed
• reparations for the left handed
• close the IRS and send them home (to Satan)
• close Congress until they pass remedial courses in the Constitution and law
• institute Left Handed History Month
• fire the Pentagon leaders who believe UFOs are evil and satanic
• have Biden and Congress(es) pay back their contribution to the debt
• let's face it - The Green Pen certainly couldn't be any worse

I think The Green Pen makes sense. You?

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: Hi

Her: I'm so happy to see you.

Me: You're always happy to see me - it's part of your charm.

Her: I'm still happy to see you. Got any tuna?

Me: I noticed that when we go to take a picture of you, you turn away at the last moment. Then when I walk, you walk in front of me, as if you were herding me. Why do you do this?

Her: I'm part cat.

Me: I see.

Frogmore Cottage: Harry and Meghan 'requested to vacate' property

Yes, those wacky royals are at it again, this time throwing their own child and his wife out of a residence. Harry and Meghan are sad and poor, with only 4 other residences in England, 3 in the US, and a few more in countries we can't spell or pronounce. The 'request' was particularly distressing, as it was addressed to Harry and the Black Girl. For her part, the Black Girl said that Frogmore was a particularly silly name and she was taking lessons to learn to talk all posh and wear much bigger hats. At the last few parties her hats were but 3' across and she was laughed out of the room by English ladies, some wearing entire horses on their heads. Meghan is the first instance of a woman embarrassed by it being too small.

I will be shot, dismembered, disowned, buried, then given a serious talking-to by my UK readers, but Meghan is the sexiest woman in the entire family.

I don't know how we came across some new dishes, but it's my house, so I don't know a lot of things. They look nice. They're not microwave-safe.... how weird are microwave-forbidden new dishes? To the best of my knowledge, microwaves have been around for a while, like cell phones, and should have this whole exercise down by now. Neither does.

But that's by far not the strangest thing about the dishes. I don't know by what process they were made, but they have a non-stick coating. And when I say non-stick, I mean whatever you put on them goes flying off the other end. I've had more than my fair share of Flying Pizza. Flying Pizza is nowhere near as bad as baked beans, which becomes an unwelcome designer for your clothes. The particularly nasty thing about Flying Pizza is that my pizza is a bacon pizza, and the bacon falls off. How sad is this?

In the words of Monty Python:

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm gets wasted

God gets quite irate.

Replace sperm with bacon and it all becomes clear.

Don't forget to register to vote.

The Republican Rampage

What have they done this time? 

Florida bill would make bloggers who write about governor register with state

Sure enough, Ron DeSantis, pissing off more people and proving he has not a clue about Freedom of Speech. To hear this drivel from the mouth of a governor is just sad. It amounts to "HEY, he said bad words about me, Mooooooommm, make him stop."  The Planet of California elected Nancy Pelosi and Gavin Newsom repeatedly. The people of Florida have this disappointment. His penis must be incredibly small.