The Effects of Chunky Peanut Butter on the Spin of Quantum Particles

Your love is like  broom handles in places they shouldn't be.

The good news is that "it's crazy good" is on its way out.

The bad news is that it's been replaced with "it's super good." I'm super happy we're going to the mall. We're going to have a super great time. We can eat at the super good restaurant and have a super delicious meal.  It's been quite a few years, but as far as I remember, 'super' is an adjective, not an adverb. You can have a super car or an awesome car, but not a super awesome car. It sounds super stupid.

Today I identify as  a supporter of LGBT, but not LGBTQ+  - too many letters.

For some reason, I was allowed out of the house the other day.  We went to a local mall, because it's the closest thing to exercise I get (other than getting up from the sofa). It was a semi-upscale mall, so there are some interesting stores. Or at least there were interesting stores. After bodily separating Wife from her magnet store, we ventured out into the mall itself. I should have known something was up because the lights were at half mast (or someone forgot to pay the electric bill). The atmosphere as far as we could see was dingy. The mall was open and there were people about, but it looked like 2am with most of the lights off. Halfway through it was much better lit. It took a while to figure it out, but the local government obviously planned out the lighting so that the occupied parts of the mall were dark and the hastily abandoned stores were well-lit. It was kinda scary that most of the stores were not occupied, as in there was no store there.  Perhaps the lit non-stores were to draw attention for the need for stores. There was no rhyme or reason for which stores were still open, but the 2nd floor was largely closed. The only places that seemed to be doing well were fast food. A Subway closed. I've never seen a Subway close. It was the only place that was decent. The alleged food court consisted of the aforementioned closed Subway, the Real Imitation Pizza Stall, and Asian food, with a genuine Asian person standing out front, not letting you pass until you tried one of their samples.  NONE SHALL PASS.  If you try a sample of whatever they just fried in whatever they just fried it, you had better not cough or the toothpick will lodge in your throat. This would be unfortunate, as you'd have to call 911, then try to describe which closed store you're at.

Come quick - someone's got something in this throat!

Ok, what's in his throat?

Do I sound like I'm about to stick my fingers down his throat and find out? I did my civic and moral duty by calling 911.

Where is the choking person with indeterminate something caught in his throat?

Bob's Mall.

Uh-oh.  Can you tell me where in the mall you are?

MMMmmmmm it's kinda hard. Come in the entrance where Sears used to be. Pass 14 closed stores on your left. Take a right where Chik Filet was and you'll see the stall where Dairy Queen used to be. If you look to your left, that's where the Subway was - you can tell because the lights are out but all the stuff is still there, like the restaurant closed for the night. This is probably what happened, but they forgot to come back for 6 months. Look to your right. You will see a ring of people, about 25' in diameter, all with phones out. They're taking video of the blue guy choking to death. A few are live-streaming to Faceyspaces and Tik Tok. In the middle of the circle is the choking dude. That's what the videos are all going to be titled: Choking Dude at Bob's Mall. You should check them out later... some of the phones have those high definition cameras, so the quality will be pretty good.

Ok, sir, I'm back, sorry for the delay. Where are you located?

What I really wanted, out of what was open at the mall, was a malt. I got really lucky, in that there was only 1 person (a really hot 1 person) in line when I got there. For some reason, she stood there with her kids, and nothing seemed to be happening. Eventually a male showed up, probably her husband; said a few words, and was off. I continued to wait. And wait. And wait. As the urge to commit violence threatened to overtake me, I left. Later on I figured out what happened: there was 1 person being served, which brought their meager capabilities to a grinding halt. This was before I showed up. I supposed my arrival caused an emergency of unprecedented proportions, so they just went right into Defense Mode and shut down completely. I've seen smoother nervous breakdowns. Small wonder the mall was on life support. Even sadder was that food was popular, pretty much the only thing doing business. Just a malt. A simple milkshake with the addition of malt powder. They were Dairy Queen. It's supposed to be a thing they prepare all the time. Milkshakes are not that difficult and wildly popular. But then again, so is suicide. As usual, Wife was a calming influence ("Don't you DARE throw anybody over the railing to the 1st floor. I warned you about this last time!").

• Speaking of the unbelievable, there is a country music song called "She thinks my tractor is sexy." I think country music has breathed its last, or at least jumped the shark. And the whale.

..future robots to push the limits of non-human biology. For instance, a team of researchers at the University of Colorado Boulder recently developed a material that could give rise to soft robots capable of jumping 200 times above their own thickness. Grasshoppers, one of the most astonishing leapers on Earth, can leap into the air only up to 20 times their body lengths

Nobody knows why this is important. 

Sir, we now have a robot that can jump 200 times its height!

That's lovely, Jenkins. This matters why?

Sir, grasshoppers can jump 20 times their own height, but our robot can jump 200! 200 is ten times the normal grasshopper ability!

And of what use is this on the battlefield? 

We can stun our enemies, Sir. While they're watching our robot leap 200', we shoot and kill most of them. The rest go back to their officers and explain they just saw a giant grasshopper hop 200' in the air. They'll all be dismissed on psych grounds.

So we'll have an 80% kill rate and a 20% Section 8 rate? Fascinating.

But that's not all, Sir.

No, it never is.

Because it doesn't have to breathe, like, I dunno, grasshoppers, we can send them into space, with satellites. They can leap 200' in any direction. Do you realize, Sir, that in months, we will achieve Giant Robot Grasshopper superiority in space??

Yes, Jenkins, you have something here. As the world leader, we need Giant Robot Grasshopper superiority in space. We can have Space Force put leashes on them and go for space walks. This is the kind of forward thinking this army needs. You and I will be up for promotions. Well, at least *I* will. I need to get on the horn to Halliburton to start production. Since we tanked the economy, a good round of incredibly expensive hardware will put things back where they were. It'll be just like when Dick Cheney was here. I hear Dick's way down below, where it's very hot. He's teaching Satan some new tricks.

I think I've just been censored. I typed out the above bit, went to preview it, and it wasn't there. Funny, I could see what I just typed, only it wasn't there in preview. That's a first, even for Google. When I went to check on something else, I came back and now even my typing was gone. Maybe it was aliens. Or worse; ancient astronaut theorists.

• Perrier is the liquid form of cardboard

One of the main themes of this blog is documenting one man's descent into madness.

It should be complete shortly.

Well, not exactly.

For a while recently, I've had trouble with the object end of sentences.

I'll think to myself, "I really need to do something about the gutters."

5 minutes later, I turn to Wife and say, "I really need to do something about the.... DAMMIT... things that go around the house and redirect rain water." 

At my last doctor visit, I asked about this, fearful of the answer. He said no problem - you're getting older. It's normal.

Fsck. Really? 

I've used words all my life. Generally they pop right up when requested.

If it's supposed to make me feel any better, the siblings have the same problem.

If it's supposed to make me feel any worse, Alzheimer's can be hereditary.

I'm not entirely sure I like this. It's not even really funny for the blog (unless it involves talking to police or a judge). 

Aside from forgetting words for a minute or 3, the mind seems to work.

Except when there are 2 things to be done. If I go into the kitchen to throw something out and get a drink, odds are I will walk out of the kitchen with a drink and the thing I was going to throw out. I couldn't see it because it was too close to my face, apparently. Last night I went to turn the light out on the way to bed, then remembered I had to carry some clothes to the bedroom. I picked up the clothes and walked right by the lamp I was turning off. I think this is ADD, not AGE.

• The latest Firefox is out. Normally I don't mention this, but this release has a new locale: Sandinia. So all my Sardinian readers can rejoice! 
• Since life always closely resembles Monty Python, you can find Sardinia featured in the International Hide and Seek games sketch.

So GM plans to put AI in your car, via ChatGPT. You already know about ChatGPT because it's online and you can use it for the cost of registering. I'm sure there was a lot of work that went into this project, but you have to wonder how they programmed it for 'other things' heard in a car. How would it respond to:

• GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU ANCIENT MF'er - YOU'RE TOO OLD TO DRIVE
• Nice turn signal, asswipe
• Get out of my trunk, idiot
• Ha - you had to pass me and now we're stuck at the same red light. Feel accomplished now?
• I think he's drunk. Or stupid. Or both.
• Honey, please don't watch Death Race 2000 while driving. This isn't a Tesla.
• Weren't there 2 heads in that car? Why is there only 1 now... ohhhh
• Would you STOP slamming the brakes? The bodies in the trunk are rolling around.

The ratings for this year's Oscars are up 12% over last year.

I'm very disappointed in you.

The other morning in Philly, someone drove their Family Hauling Vehicle, formerly knows as 'minivan,' into police headquarters. The police were apoplectic but handled their jobs professionally, with the obviously intoxicated driver only 'falling down the steps' 2 or 3 times. When asked why he did it, the driver couldn't understand what all the fuss was: he was drunk and saved the cops the effort of a long chase, and turned himself in.

Canada is having a bit of a problem with errant drivers. A truck plowed into pedestrians, killing 2, in northern Quebec. Last month a man intentionally drove a bus into a Montreal daycare center, killing 2 children.

Let this be a lesson: this is what happens when you outlaw guns.

(yup, I'm going straight to hell)

My momma talkin to me tryina tell me how to live
But I don't listen to her cuz my head is like a sieve
-Cheech and Chong