Fists, Rocks, Chains, Knives, and Guns

UK Knife Crime Protection Orders would impose sanctions - including bans on using social media - on anyone aged 12 or over suspected of being involved in knife crime, even if they have not been caught with a blade....

While Americans snort and fall down laughing, this brings up several points:
First, the UK is very silly.
Second, the UK is a staging ground for what's coming.
Third, nothing changes.

Let's face it - we can pretty much replace knife with gun. This makes the panic more interesting and enlightening. You know the criminals are saying, "We can't stab him - we'll be locked out of Faceyspaces!" I'm sure we can agree that threats of punishment are useless, just as they are for most crime. You can get the death penalty for murder - does that stop anybody? I will admit that no one has ever proposed a social media ban for murder (or even shooting). How a social media ban would work is yet another interesting topic. Don't forget, the UK has made it 'illegal' to say Bad Things about people online... the police will visit. This also trips up the American concept of due process - you're punished before you're proven innocent or guilty... somewhat draconian, wouldn't you say?

This brings home that people will find a way to assault others, whether verbally or with implements. Banning any of them won't help - people will just use others. The problem goes deeper, a concept we won't bother discussing at the moment. Eventually people will be assaulting others with phasers, tasers, lasers, masers, ray guns, and invisibility beams. We'll see the same impotent responses too.

• Apparently there was a sale on candy.... three very large party packs of caramel M&Ms just appeared. The first one is almost done, because it's like crack to me. I'd think she wanted to kill me with chocolate, but we don't have enough life insurance to make it worthwhile for her (on purpose). 

Dear lefty:

• Is there anything good about Philly?
• Yes, leaving it to get to the surrounding suburbs.

Washington state declared a state of emergency over an outbreak of measles.

Not to be outdone, Alabama declared a state of emergency over expected bad weather.

California is about to declare a state of emergency over a shortage of cosmetic plastic.

Florida (God's waiting room) has been hit hard with a shortage of waitresses for the 3-4pm dinner shift.

A homeless Georgia man is accused of breaking into a funeral home and raping a woman's corpse.

When asked why, he said that raping a man's corpse would be gay.

• for some reason I really want to be here right now. To play and to feel....

It was a new day. A new week. There was sun outside. The temps were above single digits.
The children, recently frozen to the ground, were being collected and taken inside.
The snow lost its battle with temperature, I lost my battle with the printer, and a lot of people continued to hate the president. The marital conversation with the baseball bats had taken a temporary break, and I got invited to perform at an album release party. I accepted before they told me how they wanted me to perform.

• To the families of passengers on Flight 234: When we say we'll have you on the runway in 5 minutes, we're not kidding. We will let you know when we find the rest of the plane.

A 4 year old boy in Washington state found a handgun and shot his 8 months pregnant mother in the face. Fortunately her condition has improved, and the child, much to his disappointment, will not remain an only child.

• A Texas man was killed when his vape pen exploded. RIP.
• Nobody listens to me when I say smoking kills.

Dear lefty:

• Sonny Smellenbad, of Selma, San Francisco, asks why he has so much trouble smelling salts
• Because when you were born, your mother didn't know if you were hers or not.

President Trump gave his 2nd State of the Union speech recently. 

Opposition boycotted the speech, saying Trump lied. Asked what he lied about, they said it didn't matter - whatever it is, they're against it.

• I hate to say this, but the 4th season of Monty Python suffered greatly from the absence of John Cleese. Reached for comment, Mr. Cleese said, "The season is dead. It's a stiff. It's bleedin demised."

Hey, it's been at least 5 minutes since my last rant, so here's another. We call this Let's Ship with UPS:

Some work equipment developed an attitude so they sent me replacements. They came with a UPS return label, which was their first mistake. I sealed the box up and went online to schedule a pickup. That was my first mistake. Like most of us, avoiding human contact is a bonus.  Got through all the forms online with no grief, then it asked me for payment. It's a prepaid label, complete with tracking number. Naturally there is no way to indicate this, although I certainly tried.

Shit - human contact.

Well, maybe not. The phone sent me to a voice response system, to which I gave all my information again. I had no idea blood type was so important to shipping. Sure enough, it wanted payment too. So far this is two automated systems that wanted money. I need one of these, so whoever calls me has to pay, with no option not to pay before talking to me. I picked out random words to say to the system, including some rather interesting ones, and finally got shipped to an operator. I could understand most words she spoke, which worried me.  At the end, she told me that since I scheduled a pickup, there would be a $20.17 charge for a pickup.

No there wouldn't.

Bill it to my employer. They sent me the bloody label. It's their friggin equipment. Believe me, they want it back in the region of NOW. They will pay the charge. They're a rather large organization. In fact, they're a really large organization. Bill them.

Nope. She kept with the script.

I wondered how far her training went and did they cover Master-level sarcasm.

She kept with the script, only worded differently.

She was good.

Even after I explained my company's budget, the fact they sent me the label to return it ($437 next day shipping), and read her home address to her, she asked me how I wanted to pay.

I didn't.

She suggested I could get the receiver to call her and tell her how they were going to pay. They wouldn't schedule the pickup until they heard from the company. You worked some jobs at some places - I know this. You had shipper/receivers. Nobody on the planet ever called your shipper/receivers to ask how they were going to pay for a package's pick up charge. Even if they had, the employees weren't about to give out their personal credit cards. Or blood type. 

I shook my head in defeat, as I pulled out my card. That package was going nowhere until *I* paid the charge to have a truck come pick it up. By now those drones were starting to sound attractive, especially versus talking to UPS. The shipping instructions said PREPAID. They didn't say PREPAID except you have to go to a UPS location to drop it off. They also didn't say "you have to take off during work hours to go drop the package off." I was perfectly willing to give them my firstborn, but no....

Next time I have to call UPS, I'll save the trouble and call City Hall instead. Twice the pain in half the time, and no one will pick my package up anyway.

BUT WAIT!!!!

My company was not amused by this and rang UPS immediately. I got a phone number to get a refund immediately. The system gave me 3 choices, one of which it couldn't understand. Repeatedly. Eventually I continued in the system, reaching a Refund Person. Refund person took the details, said, Ohhhh" and had to send me somewhere else.  Of course she did - I needed a refund and went to the refund department - how stupid could I be? Off to Billing, where I got to hear the same jaunty two chords for about 10 minutes, while they hoped beyond hope that I got fed up and hung up. The mean time for holding is 8 minutes, per a study on this kind of thing, so they wait at least 10 before answering.

Another nice lady answered and asked for my tracking number: a 34 digit imaginary code, including the day of the week, week of the year, the employee's employee number and nostril size. This number should have transferred with my call, but industry studies say pretending it didn't got people to hang up faster, avoiding any refund and buffing up the bottom line. Oh dear... the tracking number isn't in the system yet.

Not in the system.
No.
You delivered it this morning.
Yes.
You picked it up yesterday.
Yes.
And charged me for the privilege.
Yes. Think of it as an Uber.
It was prepaid.
Well, you don't prepay Uber. It's the original shipper's responsibility to tell us to pick up the package. You get a preprinted label.
I got a prepaid label. It said prepaid.
I see.
No you don't. These people have shipped a few parcels - they know what they're doing.
You will have to wait until it's 'in the system' for a refund.
You didn't have any trouble charging me when it wasn't in the system.
A refund can't be processed until it's billed, which only happens on a full moon in Decemburary, weekly. You can then request a refund. Or do it online, where you can't hear us laughing at you directly.

Taylor Time

This is a guitar-only post. Ignore at your pleasure.



I've got a gig coming up.
I took my crappy acoustic out to practice and realized it's even crappier than I thought. The thing sounds like shit. In fact, it's so bad that it sounds better through the passive electronics than acoustically.

Out shopping for Guitar Stuff in general, I came across Taylor's lower line lefty, the 114 (I think). It went for the bargain price of $899. This is the bottom or close to bottom guitar they sell. Yes, I know this was pretty expensive for someone born before 2000. I loved the feel of the guitar and was considering purchasing it on the spot - it would be great for the gig.

Taylors are designed to feel electric, which sounding acoustic and they succeeded. But there was something I didn't like. It turned out to be the top, which felt and sounded a little flimsy.  Mind you, it was still a good guitar, but if I were going to spend that much, I want to be ridiculously happy with it. The next one up was $999. Since I'm a lefty, there were exactly none to be found.

Online I came across a stunning cobalt blue T5, which is Taylor's attempt to make a guitar that can do both acoustic and electric sounds. This was even more expensive, but what the hell... I always wanted a blue guitar (that is not the only criterion, thank you). My reasoning side locked my impulsive side in the heavily-fortified closet for a bit, while it went out to do research. YouTube is a great place to do research on almost anything, and sure enough, there were a few videos. They show that it's a great, comfortable guitar, which makes all sorts of sounds that you won't get from an electric or an acoustic. It did everything. Except make a sound like a large acoustic, which was the idea from the start. I have electrics - I don't have a good acoustic. It's a shame because the reviews were spectacular. Some of these people wanted to marry their T5.

Discouraged, I looked at the 214's.
The funny thing about the price ($999) was that everyone kept referring to it as a low or 'reasonably' priced guitar. Yes, in the acoustic market, where you can easily drop a few grand for a really nice guitar, a grand it's much, but in the Real World<tm>, a grand is a grand. That's a lot of vet visits. Since I couldn't find any deal used, I checked new and called Sweetwater. These guys have great reviews from everybody who deals with them. The fine gentleman who took care of me took a long time going over the guitars and doing research. What we found was that the thing I didn't like about the 114 (cheap-sounding top) was on the 214, as well as a few others. Uh-oh. I'd have to spend at very least 2 grand, probably more.  Damn. This won't arrive for my gig, a few days away. Nor will 2 grand. 

Grumble grumble.....

I really like Taylors and will most likely wind up with one. I just have to find the right one. Oh yeah, and the right pile of money to pay for it.

Dammit - that blue top was breathtaking. It's a shame the tone wasn't what I wanted.


What have we learned?

• Not to be left handed if you want to play something first
• If you buy a crappy acoustic, remember - it's a crappy acoustic and will always sound that way. It could be fine for wanking on around the house or stage, if you're not picky at all.
• If you want a serious guitar that will stick with you for a long time, get something nice. You won't regret it.
• If you want to throw several piles of money at it, get a Gibson or Martin.
• If you want a good guitar that feels like an electric, get a Taylor.
• Do the research. Go to YouTube. Check reviews. Check prices at Ebay, Reverb, and wherever else you shop. Even Amazon sells guitars.
• Don't gig with a very expensive guitar, unless you have a few more at home.
• If all you have and all you want is $300 guitars, ignore this post.

I gotta run: I just remembered my impulsive side is still locked in the heavily-fortified closet.

Police to English Translator

Here's my new app: Police to English Translator
It's free and worth every penny you're paying for it.



At a high rate of speed
Fast

Made visual contact with
Saw

a green, leafy substance that might be marijuana
Pot

Cannabis
Pot

Male subject
Man

Canine officer
Dog

10-25 PP
I have to go to the bathroom

10-69
Sex with partners horizontally reversed

Code 4
All is well and we're at the bar

Code 3.57PQNVVY72
yes

Code canine 92
Why are my female partners such friggin dogs?

On scene
Here

Method of conveyance suffered a full horizontal reversal
Car turned over

Obstructed license plate
They have drugs

No license plate light
They have drugs

Window tint too dark
They have drugs

Failure to signal for the full 2 seconds
They have drugs

The reason I pulled you over is...
Do you mind if I search your car for drugs?

Bumper is too shiny
They have drugs

The canine has indicated
The dog said there's drugs

Hang out for a second
You have drugs I haven't found yet

There are drugs in plain sight
We pull over many stupid people

Bro, you gotta clean your car
There are used condoms all over your car

Ok. Ok. Ok
You know I'm humoring you before I taze you, right?

Do you have your license and registration?
Nobody has a license or I.D. but I like wasting everybody's time by asking

You're very attractive, ma'am
You used to be a man, didn't you? Do we need a male or a female officer to frisk you?

Ok
You're full of shit

I understand
You're full of shit

Code brown
He took a dump in my cruiser

Ya feel me?
knowwhatImsayin?

You are being detained, not arrested
These cuffs will not come off til you get to the station

Imo taze you
This may shock you, but....

Whose drugs are these?
Everybody say NOT MINE at once

Don't make me run after you, bro
I am mad

Git on the GROUND, NOW
I am VERY mad

The dog will bite you
The dog is also very mad

STOP - POLICE!
This is some sort of inside joke the police never share with the public



Mating Call of the adult male policeman
I'll bet you look pretty without 30 pounds of body armor



These are actual responses from people when police talk to them:

You said you're Lori but the license says Steve
I am a transexual and used to be Steve. Parts of me still are. Wanna see?

Why were you running?
Because you were chasing me

Your sister said the drugs are yours
Dat not my sister

You were driving the car
Dat not my car

I pulled the crack from your pocket
Dat not my pants

Why didn't you pull over?
I didn't see those piercing blue lights or hear the deafening siren

How can I help you?
He sold me $20 of pot but it's stinkweed. I want my money back

I'm citing you for all this pot.
Can't I get half of it back? That's my weed!

Did you swallow anything?
I didn't swallow anything
You look like you just swallowed a leprechaun

C'mon out - stop being stupid.

You should stop being a criminal - you're not very good at it.

Is that your underwear in your coat? Whose underwear do you have in your coat? A gift? Who did you buy underwear for - new or used?

You take traffic - I'll rescue the model

Hail the Passing of IE 10

That's right, folks, you heard right... Microsoft will be saying sayonara to Internet Explorer 10 next year, requiring you to go to IE 11. Since I don't use the software in question, I question whether these aren't old versions anyway. Meanwhile, most computer users ditched IE years ago for something less crappy, with fewer holes than Swiss cheese.

• Last week, Boeing's Autonomous Passenger Air Vehicle completed its first flight. Picture the passenger compartment of a plane on top of some helicopter rotors. It's electric and takes off and lands vertically. It will make road rage considerably more interesting.

This is the start of a good article on network tools for your android phone. You'll have to register to read more of it. There are some great apps available and you don't need to know much to operate them. Check your network to make sure it's humming along (or the kid next door is downloading a lot of things, on your wireless, that will have the FBI visiting your house).  Also remember: Remote Desktop or VNC for connecting your phone to your computer has absolutely no security. Yes, you can connect, but so can everyone else. Or they can eavesdrop on what you're doing.

Dear lefty:

• Winston Weinstein, from Walla Walla, Wisconsin, asks what my middle name is.
• Sarcasm.

Things are gonna be different when I'm president, believe me.

Yes, it's lefty for president - running with scissors for YOU.

• Today's Mission for you: go through the entire day saying, "No, that won't do," as your only phrase.

In recent times, fashion fascinations have run to things in ears you can put a nickel through, overextension of mascara toward the ears, lip implants, and now, eyebrows.  We on the bleeding edge of fashion, celebrate what's next: nostrils. Yes, nostrils. Surgery to make them larger, coloring and braiding nose hair, and cocaine to make one large nostril from two. After a self-administered coke treatment, be sure to drive.

• Breaking News: a man reportedly on amphetamines was arrested after his wife was found dead in their house. It turns out he wasn't on amphetamines - he was just really happy.

Been to Walgreens lately?

Coming to a store near you, a 'smart cooler' that uses facial recognition to determine your age and gender, then show you relevant ads. Contact Walgreens and tell them how you feel. It's bad enough we're tracked online, but let's stop the in-person tracking right now.

• A 19 year old Arkansas man was sentenced to 5 years' probation for trying to steal a commercial plane so he could fly to Chicago for a rap concert.
• He was arrested after bolting from the plane, screaming, "How do you put this damn thing in Drive?"
• Good thing he got caught - the stolen plane lot at the concert was full.

We are at war with Russia.
Well, not America... just me.
Not actually me, but my email.
Make sense?

I found some interesting software, but needed one little piece of information to see if I could use it. I wrote to Helpdesk, never expecting Vietnamese or Indian techs, and was not disappointed. I got a Russian gentleman instead, and asked for the little piece of information. He replied that black bread was scarce; not entirely where I was going with the question. Sorry about the black bread, I tried to break the question down into how the software worked. He responded with a detailed set of instructions for installing and using the software.

I briefly thought of putting my question into an English to Russian translator, but I try not to be an asshole (at this time of day). I tried again, using single syllable words and pictures. I have little hope of getting my little piece of information, as it's a fairly technical question. At this point, it's just a challenging exercise. Or maybe this is an attempt to dissuade anyone from emailing Helpdesk. This could be a deliberate action to sway the next election....

I'm still sorry about the black bread and toilet paper, bro.

• Japan's biggest maker of diapers said its sales of adult diapers had surpassed those for babies in 2011.
• Take that - ya big baby.

Dear lefty:

• What is your secret for success?
• I have no secret. I have no success.

Today's Text Bit comes from a question about social functions held on British Tornado jets:

The Tornado is a two-seat combat aircraft and therefore unsuitable for social functions such as cocktail parties or gala dinners.

What are your 10 favorite movies?
This will be a tough one - I have to think....

1. Monty Python - Life of Brian
2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
3. Bedazzled (Peter Cook and Dudley Moore)
4. Airplane
5. Blazing Saddles  (Mel Brooks)
6. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
7. The Song Remains the Same (Led Zeppelin)
8. Mother, Jugs, and Speed (Raquel Welch, Bill Cosby)
9. Woodstock
10. A Fish Called Wanda

• Work keeps threatening everyone with downgrading to Windows 10. No matter how hard I try, I can't get HR to declare this a Hostile Work Environment.

Peter Jackson (Madea, Throw Madea from the Train) has signed on to make a new Beatles film out of unseen 'Let It Be' footage.

Footage includes:

• Ringo insisting the crew not film his nose
• 7 separate instances of people trying to push Yoko off the roof
• John and his guest Jimi Hendrix arguing over who wore the women's floral shirt best
• Crew requesting Yoko play "Catch the Toaster" in the building's pool
• Paul's return after recently being dead
• the wives and girlfriends cuddling together to conserve heat, and touching each others' boobs
• Brian Epstein relentlessly hitting on Yoko because he thought she was a man
• George asking Jimi if having a big one makes him a better guitar player
• George Martin, in a candid moment, saying he was sick of these guys and Ringo was the only one with any talent
• the band's reaction to the doctor telling them John gave them all herpes
• repeated pleas for Yoko to stop touching her penis on camera

Hey Hey, We're 50% of the Monkees

Just in: ThermionicEmissions is very sad to report the passing of Peter Tork (77), bass/guitar/keyboards in the Monkees. We lost Davy Jones a few years back.

Touring this spring/summer, Micky Dolenz and Mike Nesmith, possibly as the Monkees.

RIP.



During an Ask Me Anything on Twitter, I asked Peter if he spent his money on  guitars.
He said "No, women and drugs."



There goes the rest of my f-ing childhood.

I'm So Happy to See You, I Could Leave

Know what I hate?
Most everything.

But there's some really low rings at the place with the fire and the guy dressed in red, that belong to Microsoft.

Recently I lost my Windows virtual machine... the only copy of Windows I run, and only for emergencies. As I'm rebuilding from backups, Microsoft decided to send me 7 updates. Updates which I expressly said DO NOT DOWNLOAD. Bill Gates will roast. Win 10 does this too, whether you want it to or not. Linux respects your choice. I have no idea about Apple.

• The mayor of Port Richey, Florida, is in jail for shooting at SWAT, which was there to serve a warrant for unlicensed medicine.
• What do they put in the air in Florida?

Dear lefty:

• Marvin Mangler, of Minnetonka, Mongolia, asks if I really like my readers.
• Dear Maude: I wouldn't French kiss them, but I'll respect them in the morning.

It was 4 degrees the other weekend. It was 50 yesterday. Later this week, the Polar Vortex arrives, and we'll see highs of 5. That's -47 with the Freeze Index.  What record-setting sadist came up with this? Four degrees... your facial hair freezes (even women).  But that's not horrible enough... no, we need a Freeze Index or a Heat Index or a Pineapple index (for when it would be less painful to stick a pineapple....). People near me can tell I'm awake when they hear me say, "I hate it here."

There's no such thing as Polar Vortex.... they make up all sorts of meteorological mess terms with no meanings, other than "It's Gonna Be COOOOOLD out there today." Or Canada. Sneaky Canada. Really Nice People Canada. They smile at us because we don't know they're sending cold air. Once this gets to the public, it'll be War on Canada.

• Every now and then I set the tv to Discovery Science in Hindi, just to see if I'm awake. I had to stop because the dog would wake me at 3am to tell me to take her to the Happy Place. She's not used to Hindi. Nor am I.

I think I know how Dog the Bounty Hunter did its casting.... by carefully deploying the Mr Potato Head Method: randomly putting odd parts together, no matter how odd, to make a cast member. Let's put a shaved head here, maybe some watermelons under a shirt, bleached hair, and one short person with shiny objects and glitter.

• In a recent study, hard drives suck less than they did a couple years ago. That's nice.  139 of 10,000 high performance drives. No mention of solid state drives.

Speaking of casting, there's a new reality show called Dr Toe, or something equally stupid. This guy makes feet look good. Just when you thought you couldn't be stunned...  the show will end shortly, when Dr Toe is caught giving toe jobs to a favorite client or two.

Next up: crew of reality shows in their own reality shows. Family of crew of reality shows. Shoes of reality show crews. Salesmen of shoes of reality crews. Guilt-inducing mothers of reality show stars. And finally, a reality show where killing your opponents is the idea. Then naturally the 12 copycat kill your opponents shows. 

• Yesterday the president abolished the use of nerve gas. In an unprecedented show of unity, 50% of the country demanded nerve gas, saying Trump lied about its effects.

Data Safety and Privacy

Many of us will get hacked, whether it's email, phishing, data leaks, or hacking into your pc. 

I hate to ask you this, and you'll hate hearing it, but what could someone getting into your pc find?

Ack... that's scary. Whether you have no or easy passwords or someone hacks in, even more of your information has been accessed (let's not discuss Faceyspaces, Google, etc).  What do you keep in your computer? That's absolutely frightening..,..

Well, if you have any financial information on there at all, it will be exposed. If the information is stolen, it'll be for sale, perhaps on the Dark Web [ominous music]. If you get hacked, CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS IMMEDIATELY. Assume everything has been stolen. Reformat and reset your pc back to factory condition. There is no telling if your system has some remote access left in it.

Highly recommended: a password locker. All your passwords and information can go there, so if you get hacked, it's encrypted and locked. Spend some time thinking about what kind of information is on your computer and what would happen if someone got access to it.

TIPS

Reminder to keep yer damn system updated/patched.

Keep your antivirus current and set it to run automatically, daily, when you're not using it.

Be incredibly safe while surfing: don't use javascript and cookies: keep them turned off by default. Yes, some sites won't work. If you know the site and know for a fact it isn't hijacked, use javascript. By the way - how do you know it's not hijacked? Even huge corporate sites have been victims. Keep your browsers up to date, set them to auto-update the extensions. DO NOT USE odd browsers or extensions that look shaky. Look for bad grammar in descriptions, obviously fake/numerous reviews, small user numbers. Stick with the very popular extensions, if you use them. Use a number of browsers, one set open, the rest highly protected. Use incognito mode. KNOW that incognito or private mode does not make you invisible; it just cleans all traces when you're done. This helps with privacy by getting rid of cookies and any other junk left over from surfing... this way it does so automatically and you don't have to by yourself. Or install a cleaner that you use before closing the browser. If you have no tracking cookies, it's harder to track you (but not too hard). 

There are browsers that come with anti-tracking features... Brave for one. Brave, Bromite, Privacy Browser and Duckduckgo Browser on android. There are safety extensions too - I like Firefox and its extensions. It's my most locked-down browser.

To make you feel better (or worse), hackers can get in using known weaknesses in systems... it's not always the fault of the computer operator (but frequently is).  We do not learn from our mistakes, which is why I post this stuff. Be safe out there.

Dear lefty:

• When will you write about current music?
• When anything approaching music is produced.

I somewhat less than fondly remember when our car used to get hit many times per year.
Hey, that actually stopped years back!
Of course the tree proved it too couldn't fly, the dog proved she wasn't any of the things described (she stays, though), the dirty dishes have turned into zombies and return the day after I wash them, I only read some words in sentences (leaving out unimportant words like not and stop), the poltergeists now do impersonations of the neighbor I can't stand, and the aliens keep trying to sell me encyclopedias.

• Why do schools and businesses have a diversity officer?

Speaking of helpful technology and smart users, dozens have died because they don't turn off their cars with keyless ignitions. The car runs, producing carbon monoxide, killing people. If you don't find this a good thing, you should probably remember to turn the car off.

On the other hand, I've done some pretty stupid stuff by mistake, but leaving the car running ain't one of them. You can kinda hear it when you get out of the car. Especially in an enclosed space, like the garage. An electric car makes little to no noise, but won't poison you. It will kill you to replace the batteries, though, but only financially.

• The BBC reports that a spider has bitten an Australian man on the penis. Again.
• This fella must have some interesting hobbies. G'day, mate.

I flunked out of evil villain school: I never wrote a manifesto.

I can't tell you how many times this happened to me...

The House of Waffles

Stop laughing.

We found ourselves at one of the above-mentioned restaurants, having breakfast at 8pm (because breakfast tastes better after dinner). The first thing we noticed was that the place was empty. Very empty.. like the Food Police just left.

In spite of this, we got seated quickly.

The next thing we noticed was the large volume of cold air hitting us, as if someone figured out how to make an eight foot solid window open. The waitress asked if we wanted to move to a different spot which wasn't as cold. Nice lady.  I went from shivering with my coat on to not shivering with my coat on.  It turns out the air conditioning was on and the controls locked. This is Great Business Practice. Mid-February, near the mountains; crank up the a/c.

Oddly enough, I don't complain much in restaurants. You really have to go out of your way to make my food miserable, or make me wait an hour for it, before I'll say anything. But here's a restaurant (stay with me and stop laughing) where people are sitting there, eating with heavy coats on. And no one can turn off the a/c. Perhaps the owner is menopausal.

The food arrived. When I say the food arrived, I mean everything but mine.
She eventually brought mine over and asked if it was too dark. Ummmm... I have to admit I've never heard that question before. Well, chocolate tends to be dark, so no problem.

Problem.

There's no chocolate.
I ordered a chocolate chip waffle. This being Waffle House, I didn't expect an issue. You know... ordering a waffle at Waffle House. The overcooked waffle, missing its chocolate chips. If I think about this any further, my head will hurt even more than it does (and the voices will get louder and angrier).

While we're on the topic, there's no coffee either. I've never been in food service, but I've ordered an awful lot of it. The coffee comes first. Honestly.   As it turned out, the extreme lack of coffee was actually a gift, which we figured out when it arrived. It would be rude to compare the taste to an ashtray, so I'll just say it tasted a lot less like a caramel-colored ashtray when two or six creamers were installed. Unfortunately this pushed the level of the coffee way up, causing a small physics issue, wherein the coffee sought a new place for itself and found it,  on the table, my plate, and the greater part of my pants. So technically, I wet my pants.

The waffle was, as you'd imagine, dark and a bit more stiff than I like. Unfortunately, so were the hash browns. They had the effect of being one solid, crunchy piece of potato. I am obviously not a purist, but I have never had bad Waffle House food or service.  Just so no one complains that I never say anything positive, the orange juice was exactly as described and in no way messed up, served at the proper temperature, and nicely aerated.  I am not complaining about the waitress.

Hours later, our stomachs and intestines remain unpunctured. We will give the place another chance, although I worry that if we go in the summer, the heat will be locked on.

Incoming!!

Perhaps I'm wrong about the Internet of Things....
A hacker did his thing on a Nest security camera then warned the household that North Korean ICBM missiles were heading to the Los Angeles. 

You have to admit this was clever: additional points for terrifying the occupants.
Google, Nest's owner, said it was bad passwords.
Everybody else says it's the crappy 'security' built into the cameras, plus bad passwords,

Warning: never use default passwords or passwords you use elsewhere.

Next week on Internet of Things: your dishwasher tells you your daughter's pregnant.

• I pick on Apple but it's not their fault entirely... it's their customers.  A teen who sold a kidney for an iDevice is now bedridden for life. Yeah, but he's bedridden with an iDevice.

Dear lefty:

• Bobby Bollinger, of Brampton, AlaBama, asks if we're kinky here.
• Dear Ballsinger: when you were born, did the doctor spank you a little too much?

Remember the case of the unfortunate brain-dead woman in a facility who gave birth? A suspect has been arrested, strangely, a nurse working there. He was nabbed by DNA. Who expected that to happen?

We got way too many calls about housing for aging relatives. I asked if the relatives were likely to get pregnant. The calls stopped.

• An Oregon man was sentenced to prison for sexually assaulting a horse. 
• The horse visited weekly.

Genetics or Environment?

Every pet in our house has figured out how to open bi-fold doors, because you shouldn't be alone when going to the bathroom. This is four dogs and two cats. How does this happen?

The latest figured it out yesterday. She also magically appears when I'm eating. From a different floor, while napping. With me making no noise at all, including silverware, opening bags, chewing like a cow, or shrieking adult pleasure noises.

• There's an online forum for the discussion of the Internet of Things. It's called Dumpster Fire.

Next on Real Housewives of New Jersey:

• The one with the ridiculously huge lips breaks down and cries when the other one accuses her of not getting her lips done.
• The entire cast says, "We're still on tv?"
• The camera crew pisses the actors off because they don't understand the Joisey dialect.
• Gene Simmons guest stars as the rock star who's banging them all. What do you mean he already did that?
• The women jump into someone's olympic size pool and can't go under water because of their augmented flotation devices.
• Yo Angie has Yo Tina's eyebrow tattoos removed, without her knowledge.
• Crisis is averted when the crew helicopters in hair spray and gel. The helo crash-landed in the olympic size pool, but they rescued the hair products.

It was gettin a little quiet here.....

It was 5am and I was rudely awakened by something like thunder. We looked at each other and said "TREE." Looking outside (I hate outside - it only causes trouble), we verified TREE. The gargantuan shade thing had split quite nicely, landing on the sidewalk. It also got a few overhead wires. This is but one reason why 5am is no good.

It happened by a streetlight, so the damage was well-lit and nobody lost power. Sure enough, within an hour, some idiot drove right through it, breaking the wires and landing them on the street. They courteously drove away. This is but one reason why people are bad.

The power company was very concerned, letting us know they'd send someone around if a truck became available - definitely by next Tuesday.  Ever helpful, a neighbor called police, who courteously blocked the road. In spite of this, people still tried to get around him. It's a good thing we didn't block the street with a line of kids....

Police apparently multiply, as they had become a small battalion, with yellow tape. We're thinking of taking them some coffee. Crime must rampant here. The boys in blue confirmed how utterly idiotic people are. Apparently people are coming up to them, telling them how inconvenient this is and how long will it last. If they're so concerned, they should band together, move the tree, and fix the wires themselves. That should produce complete silence...

The electric d00ds were uncharacteristically nice and pleasant and got it sorted out quickly. Now we call the Tree People. That should deplete the guitar fund completely. Oh yeah, there's the smashed rear window and dented rear of the car.

The problem here is the house knows when I have a surplus and breaks accordingly.





Dear lefty:

• My neighbor really really bothers me. Is it ok to shoot her?
• Keep holy the 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Get Caught

Tonight for dinner: cooked sushi.

You Gotta Love Blonde Asians...

An Australian lady went to Vietnam. Upon return, she got pulled aside for inspection. Turns out her boyfriend, a plastic surgeon, installed buttock implants in Vietnam.

Say it again: buttock implants.

We know they're not new, but think about it..it's inserting something pillowy in the body. Like breast implants... a few years back, a woman was arrested in Philly for doing butt implants, one of which killed someone.

Epilogue: the butt implants contained large amounts of drugs.

• A man proposed to his girlfriend in court. That's so romantic, ain't it? She was in court for stabbing him 13 times. That should be some marriage... all lawyers in the court gave him their cards.

This probably went viral last week... the 16 year old girl who called 911 because Daddy took her cell phone away. The policeman sternly explained that 911 is for real crimes and went on to tell the child that everything really belongs to Dad anyway - she's a minor.

I think she's due for a Learning Opportunity. She will work in a 911 center, shadowing operators and listening to actual 911 emergencies. Hopefully this will help her understand the difference. While she's there, she can help out by cleaning the bathrooms. 

Dear lefty:

• I try really hard to get my boss to like me. What else can I do?
• Nothing. Your head is already so far up her ass, when you sneeze, she burps.

As I type this, Betty White turns 97.

After the nuclear apocalypse, there will only be Betty, shacking up with Keith Richards.

There's a great article on a new treatment for PTSD. This poor Seal Team Guy has been experiencing all sorts of horrible PTSD, causing all sorts of horrible problems. He walked in, had a treatment, and walked out, happier than he had been since before joining the service. There are variations of this treatment, but it's basically shooting very minor electricity at your brain, via a small wand the doc holds. You are not physically touched, and there's a small noise inside. Some people don't get full relief immediately. One variation is in use, although who knows if insurance covers it. The name contains 'transcranial'. I can remember this, but have no idea what I had for breakfast. Or lunch. Or where my keys went. Did I remember to use protection? Will prayer be needed?

The funny thing is that the Seal described some of his major symptoms and I joked that after seeing the list, I must have PTSD. Somebody close, who shall remain nameless (but married me) looked at me as if I were a complete idiot (a look I see often) and said, "Duh - you scream PTSD. Sometimes literally."

Well gee, it would've been nice if at least one of 15 therapists told me this, before they all committed suicide.

• BULLETIN: The Canadian Winter Festival was cancelled due to heavy snowfall.
• The Pennsylvania Winter Festival was cancelled due to cold weather.

It was so cold yesterday...

HOW COLD WAS IT?

It was so cold, I had to run my hands under cold water to warm them up.

It was 7 degrees outside.

The poor dog, who came from down south, has never even heard of this temperature before. She never saw snow til recently. She wants to go back.

It got better later, when it finally hit 13 degrees.

It's not a climate - it's a plague.

• Today I beheld a tool that looked like a small chainsaw that goes on a pole. It looked like it might be fun at parties.
• At least it didn't take up more room than the hedge trimmer in the bathroom.

Dear lefty:

• Quinn Quinones, from Queensland, asks our opinion on climate change.
• Dear Quality: are you out of vegan shampoo again?

Arizona state Representative Gail Griffin(R) proposed a bill to require all computers sold in the state be locked from accessing porn. Users would pay a $20 fee to unlock it, which would go toward The Wall.

• I think the technical term for this is Blithering Idiot
• You cannot regulate access to porn anyway - it's impossible. Too many varied sources, with new ones popping up all the time. This is why filters don't work well.
• I believe regulation of access by the state is a 1st Amendment issue.
• If you build your own computer, will each piece be taxed? Will your video card be taxed more because it allows you to SEE porn? Will your mouse be protected from porn too?

I LIVE IN THE INDIGNATION

I often hear what my wife's watching on tv when I'm in the next room.
Most of the neighborhood can hear what my wife's watching on tv.
The 'news' provided some sickening material recently...  it was largely about viral videos. There is one about a high school kid smirking at an Indian guy and another about a large child dancing shirtless in a stadium.

I'm looking at this from as for above as I can... we are a nation of morons. I've said it before. Frequently. We're fiddling while the country burns. Think about it - we're absolutely fascinated by online videos, to the point it makes the nightly news. This also says something about the news. We are sitting wherever we sit, looking at a huge video site, picking out videos that amuse us. It's like a worldwide sport - all we're missing is Sports Hooligans rioting in the stands, although that would be a viral video too. Everyone's free to do what they want with their time, but we essentially watch Stupid TV to amuse ourselves. We have become fat and lazy, amused by video-lets. Does America riot when taxes are raised or levied? No, we're busy being hypnotized by YouTube, which is the next step from being hypnotized by the Boob Tube.  The people Up Top benefit from this. Less resistance to subjugating the Proles. Our tv's already watch us.

Having said that, YouTube can be an incredible asset: aside from entertainment value, the knowledge passing how-to videos are priceless. Never fixed a dryer before? There's a video for that. Oven's paint peeling? There's a video for that. Car making a noise like a pigeon being strangled? That one's about to be uploaded. Dads dancing, Guitar lessons, how to apply makeup for the cosmetically-impaired. How to dress like a ho and how this celebrity dresses like a ho. People hanging from very tall light poles, during a riot after a Philly team won a championship? It's all there. And viral.

I Watch LivePD - I'm Almost a Cop

I'm missing out on family outings because of my loose bladder.
I typed that as it just spewed from the tv. How many times have you heard that phrase?

• due to the order in which I put things together, this was written on February 30th.

What has the dog humped today?
Glad you asked. Her original boyfriend was a large sofa pillow. When her mommy made it CLEAR that he was no good for her, she switched her affections to a huge purple stuffed elephant. This is the same stolen elephant she tore holes in the first week she arrived. Now she can't figure out whether to shred it or hump it. I think we have an abuser in the house.

Hey - aren't male dogs supposed to do the humping?




Dear lefty

• Reader Stepphan Keys, of Cross Keys Avenue, in the Florida Keys, asks why men put stuff up their butts.
• Go fuck yourself, Stepphanie.

What's in a name?
Siobhan (shuh-VAWN) is an Irish name.  You can tell because the spelling has absolutely nothing to do with the pronunciation. Yet it is also spelled Shavaun, Chavon, Chevron, Shavonne, and Rhinoplasty, all pronounced the same way.

In related news,
James is Jim.
Margaret is Peggy.
Jeffrey is Geoffrey or Jeff (where did they come up with that?)
Richard is Dick. Most people named Richard had rough childhoods.
Sometimes John is Jack, except for when he's Julie.
We can never remember which Quade is the 'funny' one - Dennis or Randy.
By any standards of language, one cannot pronounce Phoebe, yet Phoenix makes sense. Sort of.
Karen is close to Kieran, yet not close enough for anyone to care.
Ian can be pronounced E-an or I-an, depending on what hand they throw with.
Not wanting to be left out, the Irish spelling is Ioin. I know one.
All children are Jesus Christ I Said Get Over Here.
My friend Michael is known to all as Michael. We have no idea where he came up with that.
Both Leslie and lefty are Leh.
Wife says the short form of lefty is Asshole. But it has the same number of syllables.  Oh...

• I'm ok playing fetch with the dog but after a while I get tired of fetching and the toys get soggy.

There is a great tale of the late Jackie Gleason, wherein he got picked up in a limousine driven by the late Richard Nixon (late president and part time sign post), who had escaped his protection detail. He drove Gleason to a military base and showed him some... people... who weren't from the region. Or hemisphere. Or globe. It is a tale without any factual backup. As far as we know.

• The key to making life interesting is never self-censor. If you've got something to say, say it! Speak the first thing that comes to mind. Blurt out stuff randomly, for no reason. Not only will this amuse you, you won't get invited to any of those annoying parties and social events.

I always suggest using a password manager/locker to hold all your passwords. The great majority of these use The Cloud. I recommend Keepass, which doesn't use The Cloud. Why? Because the moment you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours. The Blur password manager was just discovered to have a ridiculous amount of their data open to everyone. This is precisely what I warned about. This was a configuration error, discovered in December, with no idea when it started. Since it was a configuration error, one would think the problem started as soon as it went online. Regardless of which you use, your data is elsewhere; susceptible to hackers and config errors. You might as well put your password on a sticky note on your monitor. There's s reason I wear a tin foil hat, and it's not because I like being laughed at. Ok, a little.

• After an airplane crash, an autopsy is always done on the cockpit crew, to look for alcohol or drugs, whether they survived or not.

Iphone users: if you have any of the listed games, they're communicating and sending data to Bad Places. This is odd, as Apple prides itself on vetting its apps.

Commando Metal: Classic Contra
Super Pentron Adventure: Super Hard
Classic Tank vs Super Bomber
Super Adventure of Maritron
Roy Adventure Troll Game
Trap Dungeons: Super Adventure
Bounce Classic Legend
Block Game
Classic Bomber: Super Legend
Brain It On: Stickman Physics
Bomber Game: Classic Bomberman
Classic Brick – Retro Block
The Climber Brick
Chicken Shoot Galaxy Invaders

• If you're a linux user, aliases are great things. You can take a long command and shorten it to a few letters. This applies to the command line only. 

A lawsuit was filed against the Weather Channel because their app misled its users about how it would use their personal information. 

Tin foil advice: most, if not all apps, are excuses to mine your personal information. When you install (android) apps, they frequently ask for way more permissions than needed. I have a word find app that asked for mic, location, camera, and several others. We all know these are not needed. When they are, it's purely for your data. Pay attention to what the apps request. You can also take permissions back inside android or uninstall the app. As a rule, I don't install apps that replace logging into a website, for this very reason. Faceyspaces is the worst offender by far: demanding access to things like your contacts, so it can mine them for information. If you must use Faceyspaces, use a browser - not the app. This is good advice for all apps.

• I don't know about you, but I'm going to forget all my own advice against Internet of Things devices and buy this Kohler smart toilet, which promises an immersive experience. Although I thought the idea of a toilet was to avoid an immersive experience...

Dear lefty:

• A cornucopia of cunning linguists asks why there's so much information tech and security stuff here.
• You are what you eat.

Philly is Hell with Steak Sandwiches

Philly: it's not a climate, it's a plague.

It's snowing. Of course it's snowing - snow is what it does when it isn't raining.
For days, they've been forecasting snow. Light, heavy, coming from Kentucky (drunk snow), won't be much locally. Naturally I woke up this morning and was told 2-6". Of course that much snow - it's my only day out of the house (even voluntary agoraphobes get out now and then).  All plans scuttled. The plans included the best milkshakes in the area, so you know I'm PISSED.

My phone's weather app said a dusting. Two news sources said 2-4 or 3-6. Of course we got 1/2", which wouldn't have killed our plans. Oh, the perfidy, the utter sadness and shame. 

Score one for open source weather apps.
And just for fun, there's a little sun out. This is Mother Nature, on crack, laughing at me.

• Commercial: If your gums bleed when you brush, you could have gingivitis.
• You could also have cancer. NEXT!

While tuning around, I noticed local coverage of some game or other. It had the morning news crew and one said, "blah blah football blah blah and the game will start in 40 minutes." They were sitting at a huge table, full of food. I know pre-game goes on for about 8 hours, but people are sitting there, watching the anchors eat. The show after this features evening news anchors picking their noses. Meanwhile, the game itself is a bunch of large men wiping their asses with 100 dollar bills that the fans gave them for a cheap seat.



Dear lefty:

• Marvin Michaels, from Mounting, Montana asks "What are you - some kinda liberal?"
• Did you see any doctors when you were little?

I just washed my hands in the kitchen sink. Apparently I used the wrong soap... my hands smell like.... woman. No, that's not why I washed them. Why can't we just use soap? Or some sort of liquid soap? I smell like flowers. I'm not exactly a mountain man, but I'd prefer not to smell like flowers (or eat that 'salad' that looks like someone ran a mower into a flower bed). From a practical standpoint, a huge chemistry department went through the trouble of finding a chemical that would make your hands stink after washing. This means your hands are never really clean after you wash them.

• The Who is coming.  Well, at least 50% of them.

A California judge has ruled that police can't force people to unlock a mobile phone with their face or finger.  If you could POOF yourself back 20 years, you'd hear jokes about putting out fires with your face.

I wonder if the esteemed judge had anything to say about the TSA....

Dear lefty:

• Rubin Robinson, Rebar Researcher, wants to know why the sun is yellow.
• Dear Robin: don't be lazy - do the science yourself... visit the sun.

• Whether or not you know that you can be tracked by email, you should read how to protect yourself, courtesy of the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

I Picked A Bad Day to Give Up Printing

Just let me rant.

In the Unreasonable Expectations category, printing a single page is certainly near the top.

I forgot to install my printer.
No problem - plug it in and it's installed. Except for the small fact it won't print, all is well.
I could tell already that this was going to be another snowball from hell, rolling downhill to run me over. Is it personal? Sometimes it feels like it.

The printer kept saying it stopped. Well, the software did - the printer says READY, as it sits there, mocking me and blinking away.  Maybe it doesn't like snow (I don't either). No matter what I do, I can't get it to do anymore than it's doing. Desperate, I switch to a lesser operating system, which doesn't even see the printer. Super.

Back to linux, I ran some utilities, which told me I was missing just a few files (57 and a half). Ok, I'll play your game... I installed them, yet the printer continued to mock and challenge me.

Ok, let's visit HP, which has all sorts of drivers and utilities and headaches, but very few pain relievers. Finding drivers is a bit rough, as HP's web designers get better drugs than the rest of us. Or they just like screwing with the customers (like their printers). I'll have you know it went in flawlessly last time. The website wanted to identify my printer. But it failed. So I tried another browser, which also failed. I tried yet a third browser, completely open to HP and viruses, which also failed. Apparently HP wants a special browser, with features unavailable in normal browsers. I remember this from somewhere, deep in the past... like the last time I tried to find something on HP's site. Ok, let me just pick a driver from a list. Oops, you can't do that... it would contravene the Geneva Convention, like using your turn signals. It's really sad when you have to use a search engine to find which page you need on the site you're visiting now. The first page wanted to identify my printer again. VAIR ARE YOUR PAPERZ? it asked. My system replied PAPERZ? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING PAPERZ. The second link was back to HP, where it wanted my printer's model. My typing is particularly bad today, so 5 minutes later, I finally got the correct model typed in. And HP couldn't find it. I tried a few more times, with different orders of letters (and different yelled words), with the same response.

At this point, HP has essentially said the universe is not as I understand it. Basically, I don't have the printer sitting next to me because it doesn't exist. This is quite the metaphysical dilemma. We can all plainly see it. I can even hear it mocking me. Yet it doesn't exist. And it's still snowing. Let's put this in plain language: you believe in Jesus. Jesus happens to be sitting next to you, doing Jesus things... healing, blessing, damning people to an eternity with Flo from Progressive Insurance. You go online to ask Hewlett Packard if Jesus wore plaid and it tells you Jesus doesn't exist. You can clearly see Jesus, and you've been chatting merrily with him for an hour or two, so you're a bit confused, especially concerning the whole holiness business. You took your medicine, haven't started drinking yet, and have the complete assurance of Jesus himself that he exists, yet HP says he doesn't. Are you starting to get my dilemma now?  You then head out to some other Jesus sites on the web, but the search engines have no links for Jesus, even when I type his name correctly.  We need to dig Einstein up to explain this for us, although perhaps in this universe he doesn't exist. In that case, the guy in the wheelchair is unlikely to assist us either.

Back to searching; a software site, replete with loads of HP drivers, confirmed the non-existence of my printer. The printer must be feeling some kinda way by now. Or it has gone incognito, in which case the clearly printed model number was falsified by someone or some printer. Do you see my dilemma? Do I? This is after 2 cups of coffee the size of a Hyundai, so I'm marginally awake.

I narrowed my search to the model number and 'for linux'. The first site had all sorts of drivers for all versions of Windows and some Macs, but not one linux. These were all drivers for the printer that doesn't exist, confusing me even further. If Jesus were still here, I'd ask him why this is.  The second link took me to a cleverly hidden HP page for my exact printer, which HP said doesn't exist. Can you smell my frustration from my typing? The 2 options ask whether my version of Windows is 32 or 64 bit and I don't see my operating system listed. Well, I refuse to answer Windows questions, especially deeply personal ones like this, so I went with the operating system link. It told me that the drivers should already be present in linux, which I already knew, but the computer didn't. I downloaded the driver in a tarball, which has absolutely nothing to do with heroin, although I might be headed that way in about 5 minutes. It was a small download, about 3gigs, which took up a few of my spare hard drives (after I cleaned all the hamster pr0n from them).  The file made some suggestions that were anatomically impossible, so I figured I'd use the IT Crowd method: did you try turning it off and turning it on again?

Having read the above, can you guess how the IT Crowd method went?
Yup. No change.

I figured I'd give it the weekend off, to recharge and download new ways to terrify me. I also gave me the weekend off, to sleep, take up recreational pharmaceuticals, and beg the wife to spank me.

#####################

In spite of the day of the week persistently being Monday, I had to tackle the beast. I thought the weekend off would recharge me...  it recharged me for more recharging.

The voices told me to uninstall the HP printing software. They sounded reasonable this time, so off I went, followed by a reinstall. HP was very helpful, in that it let me download their version of the software, and provided instructions on installation. When I say instructions, I mean a few paragraphs about installing a previous version, from about 1985. They said if this part or that part didn't work, you just do xxxx.  This would not be possible for some users, but fortunately I'm a masochist and Hyundai-herder, so I went forth. It produced a few error messages that even HP couldn't decipher, involving hieroglyphics and lewd pictures of alligators. I'm weak on my alligator, so I just went with the defaults and completely refused to acknowledge the errors. You know the drill... if you don't acknowledge them, they do not exist.

The new software worked perfectly. It didn't take long to install, had no errors (that I acknowledged), and installed the printer perfectly. *except it didn't print. Same error. I briefly considered reaching through the internet and telling HP exactly how I feel about their software, but I'm told that's rude, like suggesting the owners of a work computer that it might work better if connected to a car battery, with a pair of battery cables.  I get a gold star for that... 10 years ago, I would've plowed ahead and suggested it with a smile.

I managed to find an error. Linux also found the error and asked me if I wanted to submit it. I did, then felt really bad, because I heard that every time an Ubuntu person received an error with HP in it, they shoot (usually themselves... usually). Since HP's error was the same error as the first time, I decided to do the right thing and shoot. Since I couldn't decide on who to shoot, I refused to acknowledge that I installed the printer and installed it again.

POOF - IT PRINTED!!!!!!!!!!!!

When they picked me up off the floor, I tried again, just to make sure it didn't print in my dreams after I passed out. It continued to print. I could feel, at that moment, the Flying Spaghetti Monster smiling down upon me. Then I tripped and fell on my face.

The moral of the story is to avoid alligators.
And to always install 2 of the same printer, because Printer won't print, but Printer2 will.





P.S. If you're really bored, put on some Monty Python and some pr0n at the same time. You'll wind up watching pr0n with a laugh track. Or so I hear.

We can laugh, but history's last laugh will be loudest

That Was Fast. Too Fast.

I met her at my last job. A real down to earth lady and a genuine sweetheart, able to give back as good as she got, sometimes to a bunch of male coworkers. She bounced around at different positions and getting promoted out of departments. She got laid off and came right back as an IT person. She picked up quickly and was already a hit with everyone.

In fact, she was so nice,  she had to keep being told not to give people whatever they wanted, at the expense of taking care of other issues. She couldn't say no (a trait I admire in women).

Describing herself as a feco-phobe, she used to get Lemon Face whenever someone said 'butt sex.' She'd say ewwwwwwwwwwww. We named a piece of network equipment ewwwwwwwww, in her honor. We used to say 'butt sex' a lot, just to watch her reaction. This was a woman you could say anything to without a reaction. Except, apparently, butt sex.

At a work social outing, she met Mrs lefty and made fast friends, even doing strange arts and crafts at the outing. They laughed at our coworkers as they displayed their social ineptitudes (mine too).

I left, she left, and we did lunch, but she was pretty bad with email and we know how I am with Faceyspaces.

Today the text chain found me to let me know she left us.
She was a young woman with 4 kids.


ThermionicEmissions salutes and bids a sad farewell to Mupht.
The existential agita is high today.

Bra Burning Had A Lot of Support

• Work has its own way of doing things. The other day I got notice that my request was completed. (Last October)

Let me say something nice about the dog: she comes when called.

Let me say something that was observed: ripping apart all sorts of stuffed animals was bound to have an effect. Her output is very.... colorful.

Dear lefty:

• Sam Suck, from Surrey, Saskatoon, South America, asks when we're going to feature stories on right handed people.
• Dear Suck: you were dropped on your head a lot as a baby, weren't you...

The final, egregious insult to the tv-watching public was just observed: there is a dental commercial in the UK with a spokeslady I like to moon over.  The other day I saw the same commercial in the US and the hottie spoke American.  This is not acceptable. They think we don't know. Although the British accent sounded smarter and more trustworthy.

• After doing the Science and proving that I cannot fly, I decided to stop trying. Even inadvertently. Ever helpful and safety-conscious, Wife went out and salted the ice. This morning we have ice with a lot of holes in it, like Jerry Seinfeld's comedy.

SNOW ALERT!!!!
It's that time again... I think they call it winter.
You know what that means.....PANIC!
There are two storms forecast for the weekend. Last time they forecast a dusting, then 3-6, and we got a dusting.

People were lined up at the supermarket before it opened. It's only a matter of time til the governor tells the National Guard to stop their research on medical marijuana and warm up. Shovels fly off the shelves, ice salt cannot be found, nor can thousand dollar snowblowers. A gallon of milk will go for $27.50 on the White Market and bread will be way beyond your means. Heaven knows you won't find anything in the stores. Except bologna and head cheese, which always seem to be in stock. That's because they're the same bologna and head cheese that were there when the store opened.

• She was watching a movie so old, John Wayne had no rug.

It might be time to leave when your IT department gives you the password password1.

• In the What Could Possibly Go Wrong department, Divers got to swim with one of the biggest great white sharks off Hawaii.

Millions of Oklahoma government files were exposed by a wide-open server. Patients with AIDS and FBI information (1986-2016) were available to anyone for about a week. The server was listed with a site that shows vulnerable servers and open devices connected to the net.

The FBI said not to worry, it was only 3 terabytes of data.

I'm kidding - they said nothing.

• Why you should clear your browser history.

A baby was found dead in a Phoenix Amazon distribution center.

They really need to go easier on their packages.

• Has your email address been stolen? Check at haveibeenpwned.com

Del Rio, Texas, got hit with ransomware attack, taking them offline and back to the ancient times of pen and pad (without the little i in front of it). No word on whether they got everything back together. All it takes to get back up is a good backup and a competent IT staff. I'll guess they weren't doing backups because 'they're not important' and 'we don't have the budget'.

Dear lefty:

• My cousin wanna know if youz coming downa shoor onna weekend.
• Horseradish.

A Microsoft partner portal exposed every support request filed worldwide. How do you measure something so large? Must be half the internet.

• Two people were killed at an Alabama IHOP the other week. Apparently Waffle House was closed.

Doggie Diary

Hi, diary, it's Penny.

After running away from bad people, I went to live with other English cockers in a southern state. Six months later, I got on this thing called a plane, which absolutely sucked (no treats) and went to my new home.

Day 1
The people are nice. I like my new house and yard.
It's cold here. Very cold.

Day 2
I really like my new mommy and daddy. They give me treats and rub my belly. I sleep in their bed. Sometimes I let them lay on their pillows with me.

My yard isn't as big as down south, but it's big enough.
There are many birds in my airspace and squirrels to chase.
There are many people walking by my house to bark at. Repeatedly and loudly.
But it's gray. Always. And still cold.

Day 3
Mommy gave me this thing called whipped cream, which I ate from her cup. I love her.
It rained today.  I remember sun.

Day 4
Dad has a temper, but he rubs my belly a lot. I curl up on his lap and he calls me his spaniel seatbelt.
There's some white, cold stuff coming from the sky. I've never seen it before. It's disgusting. And the sky is still gray.

Day 5
It was sunny!!! Yay!!! From 7:45 to 7:46.
I got chicken for breakfast. It was good. I want more.
It's cold and gray, but at least it's not snowing.



I love my parents, but somebody please get me out of here!
I can take them down south, where it's nice.
Dad's right when he says it's not a climate - it's a plague.

Here I am, helping fold the laundry