In the Unreasonable Expectations category, printing a single page is certainly near the top.
I forgot to install my printer.
No problem - plug it in and it's installed. Except for the small fact it won't print, all is well.
I could tell already that this was going to be another snowball from hell, rolling downhill to run me over. Is it personal? Sometimes it feels like it.
The printer kept saying it stopped. Well, the software did - the printer says READY, as it sits there, mocking me and blinking away. Maybe it doesn't like snow (I don't either). No matter what I do, I can't get it to do anymore than it's doing. Desperate, I switch to a lesser operating system, which doesn't even see the printer. Super.
Back to linux, I ran some utilities, which told me I was missing just a few files (57 and a half). Ok, I'll play your game... I installed them, yet the printer continued to mock and challenge me.
Ok, let's visit HP, which has all sorts of drivers and utilities and headaches, but very few pain relievers. Finding drivers is a bit rough, as HP's web designers get better drugs than the rest of us. Or they just like screwing with the customers (like their printers). I'll have you know it went in flawlessly last time. The website wanted to identify my printer. But it failed. So I tried another browser, which also failed. I tried yet a third browser, completely open to HP and viruses, which also failed. Apparently HP wants a special browser, with features unavailable in normal browsers. I remember this from somewhere, deep in the past... like the last time I tried to find something on HP's site. Ok, let me just pick a driver from a list. Oops, you can't do that... it would contravene the Geneva Convention, like using your turn signals. It's really sad when you have to use a search engine to find which page you need on the site you're visiting now. The first page wanted to identify my printer again. VAIR ARE YOUR PAPERZ? it asked. My system replied PAPERZ? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING PAPERZ. The second link was back to HP, where it wanted my printer's model. My typing is particularly bad today, so 5 minutes later, I finally got the correct model typed in. And HP couldn't find it. I tried a few more times, with different orders of letters (and different yelled words), with the same response.
At this point, HP has essentially said the universe is not as I understand it. Basically, I don't have the printer sitting next to me because it doesn't exist. This is quite the metaphysical dilemma. We can all plainly see it. I can even hear it mocking me. Yet it doesn't exist. And it's still snowing. Let's put this in plain language: you believe in Jesus. Jesus happens to be sitting next to you, doing Jesus things... healing, blessing, damning people to an eternity with Flo from Progressive Insurance. You go online to ask Hewlett Packard if Jesus wore plaid and it tells you Jesus doesn't exist. You can clearly see Jesus, and you've been chatting merrily with him for an hour or two, so you're a bit confused, especially concerning the whole holiness business. You took your medicine, haven't started drinking yet, and have the complete assurance of Jesus himself that he exists, yet HP says he doesn't. Are you starting to get my dilemma now? You then head out to some other Jesus sites on the web, but the search engines have no links for Jesus, even when I type his name correctly. We need to dig Einstein up to explain this for us, although perhaps in this universe he doesn't exist. In that case, the guy in the wheelchair is unlikely to assist us either.
Back to searching; a software site, replete with loads of HP drivers, confirmed the non-existence of my printer. The printer must be feeling some kinda way by now. Or it has gone incognito, in which case the clearly printed model number was falsified by someone or some printer. Do you see my dilemma? Do I? This is after 2 cups of coffee the size of a Hyundai, so I'm marginally awake.
I narrowed my search to the model number and 'for linux'. The first site had all sorts of drivers for all versions of Windows and some Macs, but not one linux. These were all drivers for the printer that doesn't exist, confusing me even further. If Jesus were still here, I'd ask him why this is. The second link took me to a cleverly hidden HP page for my exact printer, which HP said doesn't exist. Can you smell my frustration from my typing? The 2 options ask whether my version of Windows is 32 or 64 bit and I don't see my operating system listed. Well, I refuse to answer Windows questions, especially deeply personal ones like this, so I went with the operating system link. It told me that the drivers should already be present in linux, which I already knew, but the computer didn't. I downloaded the driver in a tarball, which has absolutely nothing to do with heroin, although I might be headed that way in about 5 minutes. It was a small download, about 3gigs, which took up a few of my spare hard drives (after I cleaned all the hamster pr0n from them). The file made some suggestions that were anatomically impossible, so I figured I'd use the IT Crowd method: did you try turning it off and turning it on again?
Having read the above, can you guess how the IT Crowd method went?
Yup. No change.
I figured I'd give it the weekend off, to recharge and download new ways to terrify me. I also gave me the weekend off, to sleep, take up recreational pharmaceuticals, and beg the wife to spank me.
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In spite of the day of the week persistently being Monday, I had to tackle the beast. I thought the weekend off would recharge me... it recharged me for more recharging.
The voices told me to uninstall the HP printing software. They sounded reasonable this time, so off I went, followed by a reinstall. HP was very helpful, in that it let me download their version of the software, and provided instructions on installation. When I say instructions, I mean a few paragraphs about installing a previous version, from about 1985. They said if this part or that part didn't work, you just do xxxx. This would not be possible for some users, but fortunately I'm a masochist and Hyundai-herder, so I went forth. It produced a few error messages that even HP couldn't decipher, involving hieroglyphics and lewd pictures of alligators. I'm weak on my alligator, so I just went with the defaults and completely refused to acknowledge the errors. You know the drill... if you don't acknowledge them, they do not exist.
The new software worked perfectly. It didn't take long to install, had no errors (that I acknowledged), and installed the printer perfectly. *except it didn't print. Same error. I briefly considered reaching through the internet and telling HP exactly how I feel about their software, but I'm told that's rude, like suggesting the owners of a work computer that it might work better if connected to a car battery, with a pair of battery cables. I get a gold star for that... 10 years ago, I would've plowed ahead and suggested it with a smile.
I managed to find an error. Linux also found the error and asked me if I wanted to submit it. I did, then felt really bad, because I heard that every time an Ubuntu person received an error with HP in it, they shoot (usually themselves... usually). Since HP's error was the same error as the first time, I decided to do the right thing and shoot. Since I couldn't decide on who to shoot, I refused to acknowledge that I installed the printer and installed it again.
POOF - IT PRINTED!!!!!!!!!!!!
When they picked me up off the floor, I tried again, just to make sure it didn't print in my dreams after I passed out. It continued to print. I could feel, at that moment, the Flying Spaghetti Monster smiling down upon me. Then I tripped and fell on my face.
The moral of the story is to avoid alligators.
And to always install 2 of the same printer, because Printer won't print, but Printer2 will.
P.S. If you're really bored, put on some Monty Python and some pr0n at the same time. You'll wind up watching pr0n with a laugh track. Or so I hear.
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| We can laugh, but history's last laugh will be loudest |
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