Will There Ever Be Vacuuming on the Moon?

Your love is like  a choice between questionable tuna salad and questionable egg salad

It's still really cold, so I wasn't expecting much noise. Yet during my early meeting, there was constant banging, like someone double hacking away at ice with a metal shovel. After the meeting the second noise started: either they adopted a woodpecker the size of a rottweiler, or Construction had started. Yes, Construction. Does this mean there will be 6 more weeks til spring? The 3rd noise is like shoveling on the roof with a metal device that stutters. Umm... guys..... some of us have enough trouble concentrating as it is... can't you perform some pneumatic duties out near Idiot Mayor's house?

Looking out the window, I think I found the source: roof work. I know it isn't normal roof work because the noise won't stop (like airplane engines shredding themselves).  They can't simply pour some tar on it, no sir. This involves constant hammering. They're probably putting a new roof on, with those small shingles. You know the ones.. the size of a small flower and round. About 3" round. So they have to hammer in each one, across a huge roof. A custom made round shingle for a huge custom roof. Either that or they already glued the whole thing down and are now making horrible, intense, repeated hammering noises to make the owner think he's getting his money's worth.

If I need work done, I'll have them start at 6am, while I'm on vacation. It's the least I can do to pay back my neighbors.

• when watching old movies with mob enforcers, it's important to figure out whether they're a lummox or a galoot.

Today I identify as  cheap sunglasses

Today the president was asked, by his own party, to give up his unilateral power to launch nukes. I thought this was the idea.... the nuclear football and all.... president gets it. Of course they wanted to take this away from Trump too.

In response, the president said he doesn't even have the football - he gave it to AOC.

I did it again. I tried to use online commerce.

This is a mistake. But as we know, I don't learn from mistakes. In fact, I insist on making them over and over again. The problem here is attempting to use online commerce of any variety. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I cannot use 100% of online commerce. Any site at all. I couldn't order pretzels without involving the entire IT staff of the pretzel site. I can't order concert tickets, which are generally the worst.

It's not me, at least not me directly. I input all the information correctly. The sites just refuse me. I should feel some kinda way about this, but I only care when it's happening. Today it was registering as a new user. I put in all the info and it told me it couldn't help me - call 1-800-UP YOURS. After 3 calls and one drop, I got somebody who actually knew what she was doing. It got cleared up in short order, or so I thought. I tried to pay for something and the amount they gave me didn't agree with the number I had. Then the site sat and stared at me. I offered the lady my firstborn, even though I didn't have one. The site then bitched because it couldn't recognize my browser. You don't have to recognize it, Einstein - just process its data, like you do with everybody else's. Sometimes it hates linux, but I use the same browsers everybody else does - Firefox and Chrome. Today they wanted to text me a code. The only issue is that my house line doesn't accept texts. They had a lot of trouble with that. They made me call back with a different phone, then didn't know why they did that.

Every. Single. Site.

Every. Single. Time.

With these numbers, as well as my blood pressure numbers, something's afoot. Much like the Toast Treatise, I'm baffled, but will come up with something as I type. I frequently tell Mrs. lefty I need an adult to operate the computer when this happens. Mrs. lefty's nemesis is the phone tree. Whenever she calls customer service about anything, it's 20 minutes to even get to the right place, if she can get there at all. Then the call gets dropped a few times, causing her to have to do it all over again. Not to mention the idiots who man the call centers. We're a quiet bunch, so when the out of control screaming starts, the neighbors know we're trying to pay for something online or on the phone. They can tell by who's screaming. After the screaming, the dog 'helps' us by barking and not stopping.

But the overall issue here... doing the Science, Dr Fauci says most people can do this without any problem. I can't do it at all without a problem, therefore I need to use 2 phones. Or 3. To protect me. Hey- maybe it's the Flying AIDS, affecting my connection! If he tells me my computers have to get shots, there will be a problem. I can't afford $400,000 a year for his great scientific work. Maybe it''s my internet provider. I can't say the name, but it rhymes with Romcast. Maybe they feel I wronged them somehow, so they sabotage all my e-commerce interactions. That's awful personal for the largest in the US. They just put up another custom building downtown. Now all other real estate is forced to make their buildings ugly too. Pretty soon they will all be paying rent to Romcast too, which is in the process of eating downtown Philadelphia. Quite frankly I wouldn't bother: they'll get some serious indigestion. Maybe there's a tiny curly hair on my connection to the switch. It's almost impossible to see, and you have to pull the cable to find it. It only affects e-commerce. I know - it's the letter agencies. Spying wasn't enough.. they're in the business of pushing people who are close to the truth over the edge. They figure that by causing baby-dunking amounts of grief, my blood pressure will go up and I'll have to stay offline. I never thought I was close enough to the truth to get this kind of personal attention. Uh-oh.. maybe that girl who said her father was the head of the NSA wasn't as delusional as she sounded....

Some businesses charge you a fee to pay on the phone. This is beyond belief. So now I'm in charge of setting up accounts and paying online. This is roughly equivalent to putting Cher in charge of heavy metal guitar lessons - it's just not gonna work out right.

Then there's the banking info, if you're paying that way. There are 2 sets of  numbers you need to know but we're not going to tell you which ones they are or where to find them, among the 3 sets of numbers on a check. There's a routing number and an account number. There's no way to tell which is which. The evil shortcut is to try both numbers in the box and see which 1 fits. The routing number is the shorter 1. Or the account number. Maybe the check number, I have no idea. You know it's correct when the page stops bitching at you. Note: the page might have stopped bitching at you, but this is in no way an indication that the rest of the transaction is going to go smoothly, or at all. After you get the page to stop bitching, if it says "Bob's Bank," you're good. Unless you don't bank at Bob's.

Make sure you write all this down and SAVE it in your password locker. Often. And repeatedly.

The final number is the payment number, which, as I said, will not agree with the total you have. What to do? Well, you could call Customer Service for the 5th time, or just put your number in and wait til Customer Service calls you. When Customer Service calls you, make sure to tell them the call might be recorded, transfer them to the incorrect extension a few times, then hang up on them. It's only fair.

• Missing fraud suspect Melissa Caddick's foot found on Australia beach
• police think she might be dead 

I am surrounded by late people. Not dead people - people who are late. My first boss started out late, then made his way to really late, then finally 'are you kidding' late. We tried all different ways to work around this, like telling the clients to show up an hour late. The boss would out-late us and show up an hour late for the hour late.

Somewhat related, but not related at all, is mealtime at the lefty Mansion. It started to occur to me that we weren't exactly eating together. I'd sit down, finish my meal, and eventually Wife would appear. To the casual observer, she was late to the table. The casual observer would say that if she can't get there on time, she can't eat. Well, that's nice, but she frequently cooks the food, and I can't see her denying herself food. Well, I can, but that's a different topic entirely.

So I applied Science to this. Regardless of who cooked, I noticed there was a ciggie break before food. A-HA, I thought... this is the culprit. As any married man would tell you, I was wrong. So I waited til after the cig. I was told to make my plate, she needed to make hers. So I made my plate, went to the table, waited til the news and the national news were done, and I ate. She showed up eventually.

My most recent great idea was to wait til she had her food and was seated at the table before I went near it. It worked! We ate together. The first night. The 2nd night, she told me to warm my food. I told her to warm hers first. WHY? Because then we'll eat together. I can't. I don't wanna. You just get yours. But the next night I waited anyway. She went out for her cig, I got my food and waited for her to come back before sitting down. She asked why and I figured there was no harm in telling her (hell, I gloated). As I sat down, she disappeared. For another cig.

So much for that brilliant idea.

I was beginning to think there was more to this issue than I thought. I'm very bright this way, only having taken our entire marriage to figure this out. So I'm doing the Science. I'm watching what happens. I'm looking to see what happens in Ciggie Land. Solving the Flying AIDS problem is minor compared to getting both of us to the table at the same time.

I have some of it....

HER: mmm mmmm mm gonna make dinner. Better get a cig first.

[outside] yeah, gotta make dinner. I have so many calls to return. Where's the phone. Oh, texts! No, really? I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Hey, that's pretty funny, I should send it out to all 29 of my closest family. I forget how to... no, I refuse to call her tonight - she rang me all day after I said I was busy. Better answer a few texts while I have the phone in my hand and remember. Where are the damn cigs - I know I brought a few with me.

HIM: have we figured out what we're doing for dinner?

HER: I'm making it.

HIM: if you can make it from out there, you're even more talented than I thought.

HER: I needed a cig.

HIM: yeah, that's what you told me the last time I asked you, 45 minutes ago.

HER: You know what it's like.

HIM: No, I don't smoke. 

HER: I had to return texts to my family.

HIM: Good thing mine doesn't like me. So can i help with dinner?

HER: I'll be there in a minute.

HIM shakes head, unwilling to go through that again.

50 minutes later -----------

HIM: can I do anything to help?

HER: help what?

HIM: dinner. You know. The meal after lunch. The 1 we talked about a while ago.

HER: Did we?

HIM: Yeah, you said you were in the process of making it and I noticed the kitchen was undisturbed, as well as free of your presence.

HER: But I needed a cig

HIM: Did you take out the whole pack?

HER: Now you're just being silly.

HIM: So... dinner?

HER: I'm coming.

HIM: Should I call for delivery?

HER: No, I told you, I'm making dinner.

HIM: So bi-location is another of your hidden talents?

HER: I am not Bi.

another 50 minutes -----------------

HER: DINNER!

HIM: Thank you. I'm so hungry I could eat.. a wife. Speaking of which, where are you going?

HER: Need a cig.

I can stand it no longer and follow her outside. She lights up and plunges herself into a world where she's fighting a dragon. That explains why I never see any dragons around the house. After it's dead, somebody's riding a Bobcat, scooping up earth, for a project that's so secret, even SHE doesn't know what it is. The Bobcat is pink and has a Barbie flag attached to the back of it, so all the neighbors see is a moving Barbie flag. And they hear the construction noise.

Then the Monster High dolls are getting dressed and hanging out, talking Girl Stuff. Somebody's repairing the roof. There's an idea for a party, but it disappears as soon as it popped up. The dog is very unhappy with the snow and desperately wants to go inside. She needs to get her wellness check at the vet and I can pick up some treats for her. Damn, they're more expensive than our food. What does my sister want-I really have to visit her this weekend, she does a lot and most people just take her for granted. I could sure use some new bling for the new car. Maybe a Barbie seat cover. It's a shame cars don't have those long whip antennas like they used to - we could put a Barbie flag on it.

I wonder if that new cleaning stuff will do the rugs well. I really haven't shopped for way too long because of this infernal snow, I need so much stuff. CostCo called the other day, asking if I was ok - they haven't seen me in a while. It's good to have that kind of relationship. Which reminds me, I never got to Dunkin to give the girls there their Valentine's Day cards. I have to try that new darker roast. Those brownie batter V-Day donuts were beyond belief, like sex in your hand by yourself.

If I rearrange the room, I can get so much more in it, but I have to get rid of the stuff I haven't used in 20 years. Then I can get some of those special organizers from Bed Bath & Beyond, but I have to go by myself, ever since they requested he not come back, ever. They just don't understand him - he's harmless. He's also very funny, but they have no sense of humor. He's allowed in Walmart, but he won't go to Walmart. That vacuum is giving him fits - maybe I should look at it tonight so he can use it. He doesn't mind vacuuming when the vacuum works, which is about 3 minutes per month, on a good month. Any vacuum. They all die. There was the really highly rated, expensive model that we turned on, it ate a pair of pantyhose, and broke beyond repair that moment.

Huh? What?

HIM: I'm done dinner. Thank you. Where have you been?

HER: I'm sorry. I got distracted.

• Life has been much more pleasant since I told my phone to answer only calls in my address book. Not a single spam call. You may want to try this.
• If you can't do this because you need some non-address book numbers allowed, go to the F-Droid repository and install Yet Another Call Blocker.

I just don't get the ton of Judge shows on tv.

I sure as hell don't watch them, but Mrs. lefty does. Naturally, with tv, there's not an original idea left, so we have a ton of them, differentiated by... by.... umm... the name of the show. I think the original was an old, white haired guy, who wound up getting fired for getting caught doing something. Getting caught is the leading cause of losing one's job in every field. Perhaps it was blow, perhaps it was hamsters, who remembers?

Then Judge Judy. Out of the volumes of shows I don't understand, this would be on top. I am not a violent person, but every time I hear her voice, I start looking around for a 2x4. I strongly feel applying it to her head would make her more hospitable. She's a miserable, cranky old lady, and about the rudest person on tv. Apparently that's a downright plus these days, because her ratings are through the roof. Naturally, because of this, we were inundated by a ton more judge shows, one of which Judy produces. I guess this is the Jerry Springer Show for people with 1 more IQ point. Since I don't like the Jerry Springer Show, these don't stand a chance. Judy is downright crotchety and rude. So many of us have someone in our lives who is almost this rude, so watching an even nastier version of it on tv is mind boggling. I feel sorry for the poor husband, whose carcass is in a dark corner of the house. He had an affair because he wanted a different black widow to eat him after sex.

So now there's the judge who was on his way to being a gang-banger and worked his way out, the ex-alcoholic, the current alcoholic, the sit down comic, the one who likes sheep, and a couple of pretty ones. Hollywood being what it is, the format is exactly the same on all shows. They all have a trusty bailiff, who gets no recognition, and they all have a shit show of a show.

The only thing you can take from these shows is that Stupid is not a defense.

• Have you ever heard someone address a number of people and say, "What I'm going to tell you is as follows..."  ?
• me either

The People Who Should Know These Kind of Things tell me that people are getting depressed, rammy, and angry due to the Flying AIDS. If you didn't have anybody to inform you, you could tell by their driving. Mrs. lefty has had some really scary experiences, including a borderline serial killer, who kept slowing down his car from the front and getting out. The most recent example cut her off to get in front, then kept tapping his brakes. She threw up her hands, the guy put his car in Park, then got out, looking for a fight. At this point, 2 biker-looking dudes got out of their cars and told the guy to get back in his car. The gentlemen paced her til her exit, to make sure there was no more trouble. Gentlemen from the old school.

This is bad. It was roughly mid-day on an intrastate. If you have to be careful and afraid to drive on this (and other) road, you start to question leaving the house. It's a bit rattling.

I go to my go-to: a gun. It usually stops that kind of idiot aggression.

Otoh, what kind of pussy touches a woman with a cane?

On the 3rd hand, a cane with an automatic rifle built in.

We have a winner! 

• UPDATE: the guy my friend hired to do some work on her house, who moved in and claimed he lived there, is now officially not living there, courtesy of the police

Hasbro will drop the "Mr" in Mr Potato Head, to "promote gender equality and inclusion"

• women will demand to have erectile dysfunction
• Mother Nature will be replaced by "Non-Gendered, Clinically Insane, Random-Tempered Parent of Nature"
• midwife will be midperson (like anyone is going to complain about existing female-gendered terms)
• First Spousal Unit of the US instead of FLOTUS
• there is absolutely no place for "husband and wife"
• caveman will be left alone
• animal husbandry will be abandoned completely, as it should be, along with fishwife, first wife, ex wife, temporary wife, vice wife, 

This will also have a decidedly negative effect on rock & roll, with the songs: 

Mr Crowley, Mr Blue Sky, Mr Jones, Mr Fantasy, and Mean Mr Mustard...

The band "Mister Mister" is in for an especially rude awakening. Mr Rogers will be exhumed.

These guys are from the 60s and I never would have paid attention had they not played on the Frank Zappa and the Mothers at the Fillmore East 71. There was some great songwriting going on. The Mothers ended the show with Happy Together.

The Turtles - She's My Girl Elenore You Showed Me 

Anvil on the Cat Syndrome

Your love is like   Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius, going over the cliff again

As the Mars Lander landed, it let loose the ACME Mars Explorer.

Was it just me who saw that?  

Ladies and Gentlemen, I come to you today on a matter of great importance: Toast.

I believe toasters specifically are a plague upon our great nation, as well as a conspiracy. The problem is that we're not sure who is behind it. Do we make our own toasters? That would be shooting ourselves in the feet. Is it another handy country on which we can pile the blame?

Let me explain: I have had an acrimonious history with toasters my entire life. A watched pot may never boil, but a watched toaster gives you no useful information. No matter what I put in the toaster or how I set it, everything burns. I could make the perfect piece of toast (no I couldn't) and the next day, on the same setting, it will come out black. I have yet to form a theory on why this is, but I'll do it right now, as I do most things, while I type.

First of all, the toast color knob is a fraud. If you looked inside, you'd find it wasn't hooked up to anything, but it has a happy face sticker on it. This is to symbolize the laughter the manufacturer gets from your toast burning and your overall unhappiness. Even on $400 toasters that people with too much money and odd facial hair buy, the control is there for fun. It gives the user some sense of control, without actually giving the user any control.

The infernal device works on quantum physics: nothing burns until you observe it. You can pop the bread down, wait 3 minutes, then inspect it, at which point you'll see no results. You'll think, "Oh, it must be warming up - I'll just leave it alone" and walk away. Unable to stop yourself, you look at it again,1 minute later, and it's coal. Not wanting to be beaten by a toaster, you put in another slice of something and vow to stand there, observing. A few minutes in, you see a tiny bit of golden color, indicating it's actually toasting! You clap, do the Happy Dance, then look back down, at your toast so black that it can't be identified. Einstein is spinning in his grave at this point. Einstein is getting rather tired of spinning and has had to get industrial grade spinners in his grave because he spins so frequently.

You call your boss and take one of your days off, because you're still not going to be beaten by a machine. This time you put in some wheat bread, which is much harder to burn, but you wouldn't eat if you were starving. We will not address where you got the wheat bread in the first place, other than to say it was hidden somewhere in the car and you're putting a slice in the toaster now. This time, you vow to keep on top of it and get it out before it becomes blacker than all of the emo chicks on the videos on tv. You stand and watch. And watch. And look at the timer, which also has an interesting relationship with reality. You know that if you take your eyes off the toast to look at the timer, the bread will burn. So you focus in on the bread, in a war you're betting you'll win. No matter what the screaming voices in your head tell you, you will NOT look at the timer. Even though the names they're calling you are more rude than the ones your friends called you in 5th grade. Don't worry, your mom told you.. if they didn't like you, they wouldn't call you names. 18 years later, you told your mom that your spouse loves you and doesn't call you those names. You showed HER. Unfortunately, Mom's completely out of her mind and just laughs a bit whenever you say anything.

Hmm... where was I?

Oh yeah, you're still giving your Toast Monitoring Activities 100% of your visual acuity. And it's still not even starting to brown. The voices are getting even louder, now using names your spouse calls you when they don't like you very much. They're insisting you check the timer. Maybe reality has compressed and it hasn't been 20 minutes since you pushed the bread down. Even the voice of Albert Einstein, who momentarily stopped spinning to tell you the logical thing is to check the timer. You can't do it. But you know you will.... your will is being chipped away by your indecision and lack of self-esteem. You can handle it no longer - it turns out to be 3 minutes. Phew. You look back and the toast is burnt. Again.

You go back to the car and get some of that Special Powder that makes the gas all clean and helps you think when you're particularly stressed. Now, you think to yourself, you're in a good spot to Tango with the Toaster.  You decide to switch up and get a bagel. If you live in Philly, it's called a beggle. Your problem here is that no one or no device can slice a beggle so it will go in the toaster nicely. Sometimes the 2 halves are very different in size. Sometimes there are bits of the end which stick out just enough to get blackened before the rest of the round bastard starts to toast. Sometimes you almost cut your finger off because they're too hard to handle and cut at the same time. The real problem comes if they're onion or garlic beggles... most of them are onion or garlic on one side only, which sets you up for failure before you've even got the thing cut. If you can even find it within yourself to get the thing into the toaster, even if you've got it cut perfectly in half, all of the onion or garlic is going to burn, even if the beggle doesn't. Meanwhile you have an onion or garlic smell on your hands for the rest of the day (week?) that's worse than cutting fresh onions. This is why I eat my beggles without toasting them, even if they were in the freezer.

Next up: frozen, pre-sliced beggles. You pry the halves apart without ripping too much of the beggle apart and throw them at the toaster. Realizing this will fail quicker than a Cardio-B 1 hour tv show, you give up and put it in the slots. You set the timer, but this time you beat the voices: you duct taped over it so you can't see, even if you have to. You watch. You watch some more. You watch again. Nothing is happening. Even though it's been 43 minutes, it's not toasting. You know it's plugged in because the toaster wires are red hot. You tested this by burning several of your fingers on it. Still no warm glow of toast. Your phone rings, you grab it, annnnnnnnd your toast is black.

So. A watched pot never boils and a watched toaster never toasts.

You will not miss any more work.

You will not get any toast, unless you learn to like it as black as Dick Cheneys moods.

And you will no longer contribute to Albert Einstein's underground whirling motion.

• How to stop your emails from being tracked

Now that it's (temporarily) stopped snowing, the entire country is worried about what to worry about next. Never disappointing, here's a story of garden variety germs possibly making a comeback. It's nice to not have too much of a gap in our worries, isn't it? You could get a near-fatal nosebleed. You gotta figure there are a whole bunch of nasty things not happening as much, due to the Flying AIDS. So if you find yourself (temporarily) without something to worry about, I'll try to help

• robberies (inside social distancing boundaries)-they may have a gun, but you could have the Flying AIDS
• bus and train person against person rubbing
• long lunch lines
• gridlock
• injuries from sex in public places
• the boring old flu (last year's vaccine was under 20% effective - think about that)
• doctors giving you antibiotics for paper cuts and colds

Today I identify as  a doggie present on the carpet

What Can Your Connected Car Reveal About You?

I've been on about this for a while..... read it to find out what the author did.

.... includes a variety of features. It can lock or unlock the vehicle remotely, perform location tracking on the vehicle, enable the headlights or horn, adjust or activate climate control features, track destinations through the navigation system, provide the status of whether doors and windows are open or closed, and report the current fuel level.

I still have to find the modem and pull the plug on mine. 

• Bored? Tax money just sitting there? Deficit not big enough? The semiconductor industry wants a bailout too.
• In the end, you can't blame business for wanting a boost. The real problem is the government that gives it to them. 
• of course less burdensome taxes would help everyone, as would smaller government

Today the president  reduced unemployment by sending the troops back out to war. Asked about Trump's major steps toward peace in the Middle East, Biden said he wanted to undo all the terrible things done by his predecessor.

• Having more friends may help female giraffes live longer
• of course it does - they get together, drink coffee, and shop like mad
• the study doesn't mention the life span for male giraffes decreases when they get the bills 

Ghana scientists are gene editing sweet potatoes to make them healthier.

I'm all for some of these great gene hacks. But didja ever wonder what the back side of this is gonna be? We could be messing with nuclear fire. Can this bite us in the butt down the road? Will anything happen by making potatoes healthier? Yeah, we'll get healthier potatoes. But.... will it stop certain healthy insects from eating or otherwise interacting with them... causing another blip in the chain...? Is this stuff studied? Does the healthier gene carry anything negative with it? Will it turn us all into Roseanne and get us kicked out of our own family we started?

I worked with a dude from Ghana.

He borrowed a car from the pool over the weekend. A week later there were parking tickets from another state. He swore he wasn't in any other state.

So I'm wondering about this gene-editing scientist from Ghana, knowwhatimsayin?

• If there were ever a sentence that screams NO, It's "Listen to Post Malone cover Hootie & the Blowfish for Pokemon's 25th anniversary"

Today the Russians  hacked some more and practiced blaming it on the Chinese. The Chinese got pissed and sent out the plans for the microwave the Russians are using to cook Americans in the embassy buildings. This thing causes headaches and nausea faster than a session of Congress.

For many, Facebook is their internet. Getting people off Facebook is like clearing a country, village by village; the history of clearances and forced migration is not good.   --The Register

For the 27th time in recent memory, a drone got into Gatwick Airport's airspace. England's 2nd busiest airport has announced that it will stop accepting planes, effective tomorrow, and only play host to drones. "It's the safest thing to do," said Ernest Smeg, Airport Chief of Operations (and janitor). We're powerless to keep these annoying little buggers out of our airspace, and me mum always said if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 

England's largest airport. Heath Bar Heathrow, replied that it had taken away Gatwick's key to the liquor cabinet and expected airplane flights to continue without interruption (at least until the next drone).

• Imagine if some of the unidentified things flying around in our skies are not ships - they're life forms. 
• That should keep us from falling asleep for a good long time.

House Republicans propose nationwide ban on municipal broadband networks

Claiming it will "promote competition by limiting gov't-run networks."

If you need (more) proof that gov't thinks we're idiots and is not working for us, this is it.

In your city, the gov't may have granted a duopoly to 2 providers, say Verizon and Comcast. This means they own cable in your area and no other company can get in on it to create competition, which would lower prices.

Your federal representatives have just done the same thing nationally. How, exactly, will this promote competition? The same way it did locally - not. And we will suck it up. We have ridiculously expensive cable, compared to other countries. Why? Duopoly. No competition.

Without verifying this, I suspect if you look, you'll discover cable companies are large contributors to these republicans (probably a little less to the dems). 

Time: 1980

Place: Mars

I thought I saw video of something fly by, but it looks like it got shot at and exploded. No one will say anything official about it.

Time: 1983

Hey, remember when something flew by the planet and looks like it got shot at? Same thing today. Also exploded. No official explanation,

Time: 2017

Holy fllizbang - something landed. No shit. Check the video.

If that's an Earthling they're ugly as fuck.

No, wait.. it's some kind of dune buggy. Wonder what it does...

They say it's solar powered. It only moves around during the day.

It seems to pick up dirt. I wonder if it will vacuum my house.

It also drills into rocks.

If that's from Earth, Earthlings sure are weird.

Some of our more 'colorful' citizens waved at it. Nothing happened. We figger it phones home, maybe at night. Tomorrow a whole bunch of us are gonna sit in front of it and sing some Hendrix. Everyone recognizes Hendrix.

Nope. Nothing. I can't imagine it not liking Hendrix. We'll wave some signs at it tomorrow.

Ok, this is getting boring. I'm going back to flibbing my flizerbit.

Time: 2021

Martian Defense Force (MDF) has 3 objects incoming, from Earth. This leaked yesterday. They never tell us shit. I hope it's more interesting than the dune buggy. Hey - maybe it's a response to all the things we said to the dune buggy! Finally, some interplanetary communication? Nope, the MDF says it was just dry surface gas

Wait - here comes another one. And there goes another one, right down the crater. These Earthlings couldn't hit the broad side of a marngt. The news says it's another dune buggy, but a naturally occurring dune buggy. Were they having a sale on dune buggies? Is the 2021 model year that advanced over 2017? Will they still drill and pick up dirt? Man, someone got fleeced on this deal.

Hey, this dune buggy has a helihopper! When it drives somewhere, it sends up the hopper. It's kinda fun to watch. MDF says it's just an insect too close to the lenticular clouds.

Thinking about it, I don't want to go to Earth. If there's anybody home, they don't seem too bright and insist on making the same mistakes over and over again. After taking the dune buggy apart and analyzing the software, it seems they want to send some of them here. Everybody hide when you hear the air raid siren. Maybe if they think there's nobody here, they'll go home. Please.

Meh - they'll never tell us the truth anyway....

• The chief of the Cherokee nation says it's time for Jeep to stop using Cherokee and Grand Cherokee.
• I wouldn't want a car to be called "CIS-Hetero White Guy" so maybe he has a point. Aw, who am I kidding, I'd drive that car....

Redefining ‘flesh-colored’ bandages makes medicine more inclusive

Oh shit, all we have is Eeyore bandages. Does this mean we have to look like Eeyore? 

• Fry's Electronics is out of business - all stores closed.
• Fewer and fewer reasons to leave the house 

This is another billion dollar idea: Using AI, build an Argue-Bot. It will get trained on your phrases plus AI and will argue with anybody anytime. Especially your spouse. I'll be so rich, I won't have to argue. Oh.

The latest version of Firefox has support for multiple out-of-browser video windows. I enjoy 1 on occasion, but can't imagine more. The article mentioned influencers, so that's probably why I don't get it. Essentially, we can now watch more than 1 thing at a time, all over the screen(s). And this is a feature? I can just see Mrs. lefty watching a popup video of true murder crimes, while I watch 1 on escaping murderers. Or a black and white murder mystery and a ufo video. Nah, that calls for 2 different devices and more space between us for the dog.

• YouTube’s ‘supervised experiences’ help parents choose what content their kids can see
• bypassable by not signing in

A Freedom of Information Act query was filed for the CIA, requesting all docs relating to poisoning for covert assassinations. CIA said that's illegal so it wouldn't have any documentation on it.

Stop laughing.

Incidentally, the CIA has no docs on UFOs because it does not collect UFO docs because they do not pose a threat to the defense of the United States. Not even the huge amount that fly over nuclear installations.

The problem here is too many groups beholden to none, running roughshod over everyone's rights. Sometimes in other countries.

• This telehealth thing is wonderful: now you can wait an hour for your doctor in the privacy of your own home.

The US Postal Service has awarded a contract to replace its aging fleet.

The contract had been swinging in the wind for years because of the requirement that it speed up mail delivery. That requirement has obviously been dropped.

The Existential Agita of Milk

 Your love is like  working in a coal mine

While channel surfing, if you come to a program about a beauty pageant, and all the ladies have really deep voices, MOVE ON.

• didja ever get a work reminder from a colleague, that essentially said, "you're not getting my work done fast enough"?

Today I identify as the dirt that gets on your car immediately after washing it

• It hasn't snowed in 12 hours and I'm nervous 
• annnnnnnnd it's snowing 

JFC - the storm in Texas killed at least 50 people. Some still have to boil water (those who have it). Some have $10,000 electric bills. Some have extreme food shortages. Some are wandering around, dazed, repeating "winter coats?".

• Those kids on the Shriners Hospital commercials? They're in their 40s.

Today the president  declared Texas an emergency. He said he'd like to visit, but it's too early to go to Canada. 

Every now and then I skim tv news. This morning it was Fox. One of the things that really bothers me about Fox is the bible classes. The chief mentioner is a very attractive lady. If I weren't married, I'd want to have relations with her, while she recited lines from the bible. My job would be to interrupt her delivery. Is that wrong? 

So we have another craft on Mars - the Perseverence Rover. Its helicopter, Ingenuity, will fly over the Rover. It's solar-powered, so it won't work where I live on Earth. It can only fly for 90 seconds at a time, which is a decision worthy of sending the Rover over Niagara. The first image featured writing in the dirt - "Welcome, Earthlings." It got lost at NASA and isn't available. Each day the Martians write something else. When they heard the messages aren't getting to the Earthlings, they got more and more interesting...

• take the elevator down - we're waiting for you!
• Your mother sweeps Mars dirt
• If you bring the Flying AIDS, we'll blow up anything you land here
• Your people have very small penises
• we're all over your planet, you know. lefty was the first.

This is also the 1st time we got to see a spacecraft land. Or rather, the 1st time we were supposed to see it land. For some reason, the cameras all turned back on the craft, started taking selfies, and uploading them to Instagram.

• Daft Punk is splitting up after 28 years
• they were still together? yawn

Hey, do you have migraines? Botox might be right for you.

Yes, the poison that vain people use to temporarily hide aging by freezing their face can also work miracles on your migraine. Possible side effects include:

• inability to move your head
• inability to move parts of your head
• frozen brain
• infertility
• overfertility
• nose hair fallout
• chronic masturbation
• chronic hair-pulling (somebody else's)
• hey, it's better than a migraine, right?

1 of those things you really don't want to see on your airline trip to paradise is the engine on fire and shedding parts. That happened to a United flight the other day, when an engine 'experienced a catastrophic failure', which translates to 'the little f-er exploded.'  United canceled their flights and urged other airlines with the same engine (a 1977 Ford Pinto) to do the same. People on the ground got trophies, in the form of engine parts, and the plane landed safely. The National Traffic Safety Board, the stars of the show "Aircraft Crash Investigation," are putting out Big Bucks, because the parts are showing up on Ebay. A piston is going for $15,000 and a wire, any wire, is $2,000. Parts of a passenger are priced accordingly; fortunately there are none. 

Boeing says the 777s can keep the 737 MAXs company for a while.

• After 7 years of Mrs. lefty only getting my text messages intermittently, she got a new phone and there has been progress: now she doesn't get my text messages at all. 

Are you cable cutters? Have you had it with $200 monthly cable tv bills?

Here are some suggestions: 

vaughn.live - a wide, interesting variety and specialties, surf the MISC category only, no commercials

stirr.com - You're going to get hit with commercials, but that's the price of free tv. A wide variety.

A great source of any kind of tv from any country is Kodi. It runs on linux, windows, android, and probably iDevices. You have to be clever with this program and search kodi sites for more 'interesting' content. It comes with free, legal content. Great for a laptop. You can watch tv on your phone while you're out (or sitting). 

Got any more? Please leave them in the comments.

Lawmakers ask Big Cable why they let OANN and Newsmax spread disinformation.

Yet another assault. Remember: a vote against the speech you don't like is a vote against your speech (eventually). How can Big Tech be assailed for this when they already own YouTube, Faceyspaces, Twitter, and Reddit?

• Pfizer and BioNTech announced that their Flying AIDS vaccine does not require ultra-cold storage conditions after all. 
• aren't you just filled with confidence? 

The Duke of Edinburgh is "OK" after spending a 6th night in the hospital, the Duke of Cambridge has said. Prince Philip was admitted to King Edward VII's hospital as a precaution, but against what is Top Secret and you're not allowed to know, which is the Royal nyah nyah. Buckingham Palace said Prince Philip will stay into this week. His son, Prince of Wales, Prince Charles visited Saturday. The hospital in is Marleybone.

Prince Charles wanted Prince to visit, a request fraught with difficulties. The Duke of Prunes was on alert, as was Princess Whatsername, from that town next to Marleybone (Steak-on-Treat?). Prince Harry sent his best, as he was being dragged along shopping by Princess Halfblack, the Princess of the Shopping District of New York. The Queen, a post vacated by Freddie Mercury some years ago, related that the Duke of Edinburgh is 99 and would be getting along soon. She was also not amused. 

• If you lose a very large bet, you may somehow come to watch one of those game show networks. Yes, you too can watch an entire network built around game shows. The truly fun part is that they're the all original game shows, from the 70s and 80s.  There's very little to do for enjoyment, other than decide whether the host and contestants are dead or not. Or you can look at the appliances and cars  as presents and laugh your asses off.

SJW Slaughter

Streaming 18 episodes on Disney plus, the Muppets got a content warning over 'negative stereotypes'.

"This programme includes negative depictions and/or mistreatment of people or cultures," it reads.

"These stereotypes were wrong then and are wrong now."

"Rather than remove this content, we want to acknowledge its harmful impact, learn from it and spark conversation to create a more inclusive future together."

 

The Simpsons: Kevin Michael Richardson replaces Harry Shearer as Dr Hibbert

The Simpsons actor Harry Shearer is to be replaced as the voice of Dr Hibbert, after the show said white cast members would stop portraying characters from other ethnic backgrounds.

Gender-reveal device explosion kills father-to-be

4 Wheel Drive is Still Useless on Ice - Try it

 Your love is like  battle fatigue

Most of the people in the civilized parts of the US (both of them) have had it with the barrage of Medicare commercials. I can't make the commercials stop but I wanted to share some knowledge (I was in the field). Medicare is Medicare, and you can pretty much do what you want. You'll need a supplementary insurance to take care of the remaining 20% Medicare doesn't cover, and a Part-D for meds. The commercials you see are completely disingenuous, with their 'you are owed this stuff' patter. The truth is that, while you may get certain things by switching to a single all-in-one insurance, you're going to lose something too. Insurance doesn't make money by offering you perks. The perks are in exchange for something, frequently choice.

The bottom line is if you're considering an all-in-one plan, go over every single thing you need that's covered under Medicare, including meds. Then see if the other insurance covers all of it. The business of insurance is a business, and quite nasty. It is the responsibility of the consumer to make sure they're getting what they need. If you've got questions, ask away. Nothing personal will show up in Comments.

While we're on Commercials that Kill, we couldn't get by without lawyer commercials. You must remember - nothing you do to yourself is your fault and you are owed Big Bucks<tm> for everything that 'happens' to you. Slide on ice in the middle of an ice storm? It's obviously the fault of the person who owns the sidewalk. Watch some car hit a bus, then jump on the bus and claim whiplash? It's obviously the fault of the bus company and the car that hit it.

I have to admit, all these commercials have had an effect on me. I realized it while on the phone with one of the lawyers' offices...

Lawyer's Office: Cohen, Goldstein, and Pondhockey - how can we help you?

lefty: I need to talk to a lawyer.

LO: Sure, what's wrong?

lefty: it's a long story, but you say on the commercials that I am owed Big Bucks<tm> for anything, so I feel pretty bad and I want Big Bucks<tm>. They say if you want to win, get a Philly lawyer. You guys are known throughout the world as THE sharks. Is that really true?

LO: Absolutely is, Sir. Actually, what they say is to get a Philly Jewish lawyer, and we have the most Jewish lawyers of any Philly lawyers office. Some of them are doctor/lawyers too. Can you imagine such a thing? Double shark, with a complete lack of conscience or humility. Or sense of humor. What kind of case is this, Sir?

lefty: Doctor AND lawyer? Do you have to keep them separated from people?

LO: We only let them out for court. Court and dining. They keep themselves sharp by being rude to waiters.  Have you ever seen a South Philly waiter? They eat sharks for snacks.

lefty: I am starting to shiver. I have a case it's difficult to describe. It's more of a 'feels' thing than a falling thing.

LO: Ok, feels. Let me connect you with a female lawyer. They have (or had) some empathy and are better with feel things. I'm putting you through to Mrs. Cohen.

lefty: the one in the practice's name?

LO: No. Most of our lawyers are named Cohen. If they're not, we have their name changed. It scares the hell out of most other lawyers outside of Philadelphia. You'll be speaking to Tina Cohen.

LO: Tina Cohen's office - this is Tina - how can I help you?

lefty: Tina, my name is lefty and your commercials say I am owed money, so I want you to get me some.

LO: Certainly, lefty. Who recommended me?

lefty: The front office recommended you because you may still have a vestigial sense of empathy.

LO: Yes, I am the one that best imitates empathy and caring. What will we be suing for today?

lefty: I am a tried and true, red white and blue American. I am of a certain age and have been sued twice.

LO: That sounds a little light, but there's still time to be sued more. How can I help?

lefty: It's very difficult to admit this, but I've never sued anybody.

LO: Did I hear you correctly? You're American and you've never sued anybody?

lefty: [pause] ah.. yes.

LO: Then you're not really American, are you?

lefty: It's a good thing they routed me to the one that best emulates empathy.

LO: How can I help you?   [snort]

lefty: Well, I need you to tell me. I feel really bad about this, and I figure I'm entitled to something because I feel really bad about this.

LO: lefty, I have to be honest.. you're the first client that ever had this problem. I'm going to have to pull in the Really Big Cohens to help me with this. The ones they don't let near people. The one that hasn't come out of his office in 25 years but wins every case.

lefty: that sounds... scary. And impressive.

LO: Tell me about the suits filed against you.

lefty: I was playing in a band at a party. Someone died. It was somehow our fault. I was also sued for being some combination of nazi, asshole, white supremacist, and racist supervisor, because an incompetent coworker got fired. The fact he admitted he used to take naps in his car never made it to the process.

LO: I see. That's kinda light for your age range. Have you considered tripping over your own huge feet on somebody's sidewalk? Going on a kiddie ride and claiming a serious back injury? Riding a bus and claiming no hair on your entire body will grow? Total alopecia?

lefty: uhhh, no. I was pretty traumatized by both suits, actually. I swore never again.

LO: Now we're getting somewhere. We will start by suing both people who sued you, for emotional trauma. That's a good start. The other item, you not having sued anybody, is a little more complicated.

lefty: Ok, why?

LO: Well, there's really no precedent for it. No specific entity has caused your feeling poorly because you haven't sued anybody. Technically it's your fault for not having sued, but we never blame the client - it generates no billable hours. Look, I've very quickly consulted with the Ruling Junta and they've decided to go with The Showstopper. Because there's no specific entity to sue, we're going to sue everybody. The entire planet. Every person and group of people. No one in the history of the law has ever pulled this one off. They never even tried. Once again, a Philly lawyer will be the first and make headlines. We will not rest until other lawyers wet their pants when they find out they're up against a Philly lawyer.

lefty: your commercial said no money due until case is settled. Is that correct?

LO: Absolutely. Considering the hugely immense size of this case, we may give you a million dollars monthly, as walking around money.

lefty: uhhh... when this hits the press and legal journals, can we keep my name out of it? I want to live to enjoy my Big Bucks<tm>.

LO: Certainly. Although I can't understand why anybody wouldn't want to be tied to the largest lawsuit ever, we respect your privacy. Unless somebody sues you.

lefty: Who do I sue about this weather? There's another historic suit for you...

Today I identify as  one of those things in your eye that you see swimming around, but you know isn't real

• I sent my last taxes in with a Return Reciept. It took 4 weeks to return.

Today the president  noticed CNN's fact-checker isn't on the air all day, and hasn't been since November 4th. He wants to offer him some sort of position, because unemployment is a bitch.

I work for an incredible guy. He doesn't micromanage, doesn't bother me, and asks for what he needs done, knowing his people will come up with it. 

The other day I got a call.

Boss: Hey lefty - I hate to bother you, but Major Manglement let me know a few people on my staff were underperforming.

lefty: UNDERperforming? I get merit raises, great reviews, and Get Out of Jail Free coupons from HR, for when I offend people.

Boss: understand, it's not me. Major Manglement has been collecting info, crunching numbers, and making them into very colorful, meaningless charts and graphs.

lefty: what is it this time? Naps not long enough? Insufficient pr0n downloaded?

Boss: No. It's our Deleted Items folders.

lefty: I see. Dare I ask what about it?

Boss: it's too small

lefty: and how have they come up with this specific gem? Who decided how many is enough?

Boss: You know how it goes - I have no idea. But I'm under quota too. Just bring it up to quota. Then I can call you for more amusing stuff. By the way, you should probably not identify Windows as a virus in large corporate meetings, as true as it is.

lefty: understood. Here's my plan - feel free to use it: Write a filter to delete everything starting with an 'A' on Friday. Then put it back first thing Monday. Or just use Deleted as your inbox.

Boss: this is why you get merit raises.

a study found that heterosexual males posing with a cat in their photos were “less masculine when holding the cat, higher in neuroticism, agreeableness, and openness; and less dateable” by more than 1,300 women.

I didn't know this required a study. 

IT'S *$&#ING SNOWING AGAIN. 10" yesterday. Freezing rain last night. Quiet most of today. Then SNOW. Unacceptable. I used to work and sit on the couch. Now I work and I shovel. I prefer the former. So if you're watching the news tonight and there's a ha-ha story about some guy losing it and going nuts with a flamethrower attached to a shovel, you might be reading his blog.

And as I'm outside, shoveling, for the 3rd time this week, my right earphone keeps falling out. Thus proving I have 2 left ears.

Remember: most heart attacks occur while shoveling. I am not making this up. Be careful, unless you live in Arizona, in which case we'll be at your place in 8 hours.

• Here's a video from an article on communicating with lucid dreamers. It's done scientifically. It's quite interesting. I suspect this is the beginning of something big and they don't know how big. But what do I know?

But wait... it's going to snow again tomorrow. Who did what to whom?

Monday snow is the worst of all snows. Monday is the worst day of the week, so Monday snow just piles it on. Monday snow is bigger snow. If you're getting 3" of snow, it's tolerable. If you're getting 3" of Monday snow, move to Hawaii. The flakes are not only heavier, they're generally shaped in variations of the letter F, as in F- you. Some snowplow services will not guarantee work on Monday snow, preferring to wait until at least Friday, when it's plowable. Keep the kids indoors because if they get lost in 2" of Monday snow, you may not find them til July. Do not take this as a hint.

As is custom lately, it's supposed to rain afterwards, washing all the snow away. Nope. Don't try to pull the wool over our eyes - we're hip to this shit. Kick the ball, Charlie Brown. The forecast of rain is just to keep the proles from rioting after yet another snow storm, especially on Monday. By now, the snow is higher than some of the smaller houses on the block, and the neighbors are taking turns trying to dig a tunnel to the front door. Snow brings out the best and worst in humanity - like social media. Of course tunneling assumes the resident wants to come out of the house. It gets really ugly if the resident has kids. They start tunneling from the front door and the neighbors start from the sidewalk. They meet in the middle, but 2' off, like a $2 billion tunnel project in New York.

Speaking of which, I am advised the Crazy Lady, our bad neighbor, was 'taken away' yesterday. They never take her to the Happy Place, just to the hospital. Maybe it's time for her to transfer into a new body - she's over 470 now. Although I thought body transfer happened in her basement, not the hospital. I hope she's ok - I strive not to wish anything bad to happen to her. Mrs lefty tolerates her much better than I do: she was taught to respect her elders. I was also taught to respect my elders, but not after they run you over with a truck, then back up to make sure they got you.

• Anthony "Just 3 Weeks of Masks" Fauci says Americans may need to wear masks in 2022, even as restrictions relax. They may need a booster.

Speaking of Science, people who wear glasses are 3 times less likely to catch the Flying AIDS, because they touch their eyes less. But what if they only use their glasses to drive? What's the percentage there?

Mrs lefty and I had a small war polite discussion over whether the YMCA's pool was open. She said the place was largely closed because people didn't want to be in close proximity to others while exercising. That's certainly a valid point, but have you ever smelled the pool? The chlorine will kill any germ within a 3 mile radius, including some of the older swimmers...

We all know to support our local businesses. Nowhere is this more true than Nevada, where legal brothels are suffering because of the Flying AIDS. They're suffering from the prehistoric regulators who won't let them open. The ladies are forced to do internet shows to make ends meet.

Can you imagine when their Idiot Governor allows them to open, on May 1, then decrees masks and social distancing? This is why we need as little government as possible.

IS THIS THING ON?

The entire Oakley Union Elementary School District board has resigned. While this would normally be a good thing, they resigned because they were bashing parents and forgot the meeting was live and open to the public. 

They need to go back to school.

Saudi Ladies - It's Your Time

Women in Saudi Arabia can now enter the military.

• As long as they don't want to go past sergeant
• they must wear religious coverings over their armor
• the death toll is expected to rise, as the women must stay 10' behind the men
• no driving, and Good Lord - no flying. Just laundry.
• everyone must pray 5x/day, even under fire, and the women must clean the prayer rugs
• the least attractive recruits must keep their faces completely covered

Why do you think bargain fares are so low? Now get out and pedal.

That Was Pitchforks and Explosives, Wasn't It?

 Your love is like urethral catheterization

Dutch police have found a way to completely stop hacking before it starts. They're now posting warnings in English and Russian hacker forums not to commit cybercrime because law enforcement is watching them.

Why didn't we think of this?

The European Space Agency (USA) is open to hiring astronauts with a physical disability. They would be Parastronauts. If you think about it, perhaps less than the typical amount of functioning limbs would not be a handicap in zero gravity. Let's not limit this to physical disabilities - let's just open it up!

Migraines would not be helpful, unless a very large pharmaceutical concern wishes to study the effects of zero gravity on migraines. Looking into the future, you don't want to know how much this migraine medicine is going to cost, and it won't be covered by any health insurance known to man. 

The USA wants a more diverse crew, as only 1 is a woman. So ladies - ask a friend to break a limb - you're a shoe-in!

I'm going to go out on a limb and say there are no trans astronauts. Guys/ladies/whatever - now's your time.

The USA should also not overlook people with multiple personalities. You can train different alters for different tasks. Just make sure you don't need 2 or more of them at the same time.

I don't know much about space, but I'd give careful thought to the totally paralyzed. A more sophomoric blogger would say something about a window shade, but I will not take that road. Nope.

Do we really need to say to leave the bipolar and depressed behind? Manics can get a lot of stuff done, but you don't want them switching to depressed during the countdown.

If you have a repetitive stress disorder, don't even bother. It's just not diverse enough. Unless you're of a non-binary gender and black to go with it.

Of course by the time this is done, it will be the most diverse crew ever, but no one will be able to fly the damn thing. But it will be the most diverse crew ever, and that's what counts.

Today the president  succeeded in getting illegal alien families illegally crossing the border back to pre-Flying AIDS levels. When asked about it, he said he was anxious to watch the ship land on Mars and look for aliens. 

• I'm not complaining - I'm just telling you what I like a lot

Japan has made great strides in sexual equality: the LDP party has invited women to meetings, to 'look, not talk.'  Women were never invited to meetings before - give them credit. In 2050, Mrs. Tenzi will be heard to sneeze, and no one will give it a thought. This is progress, people. In 2070, Mrs. Fuji will raise her hand to vote. These are the pioneering women of Japanese politics.

I would ask Mrs. lefty to be quiet and walk 6' behind me, but that would leave my back exposed to her.

A priest in Ireland made "takeaway ashes" for parishioners to administer at home, due to the Flying AIDS. 

Now I'm not Cat'lik, and I know the Irish are damn serious about their Catholicism, but this seems wrong. The ashes... they don't 'work' if self-applied. They don't activate until one of the guys with the dark frocks installs them. This idea completely negates Mrs. Lefty's childhood, when she'd skip church and self-apply cigarette ashes. If she knew she could self-apply, she'd no longer feel guilty... oh, sorry, I get it. Hey, the ashes come with instructions. I wonder how well that will go over with the "I don't read instructions" set. Old Uncle Charlie wants to take a picture of it and Instagram it to the whole family.

This is causing great consternation round the Vatican, which is making them vibrate and question the very nature of religion-running. One said to the other, "Hey, we cannot allow them to apply their own ashes. First, the ashes won't activate. Second, what other things will they discover can be done without us?" Digital collection plates are nice, but they respond better when you shove the real thing in their faces, then publish the amounts. Next thing you know, they'll be performing their own funerals and bar mitzvahs. They'll randomly be issuing last rites upon anybody who walks by. Pushing people into swimming pools to baptize them. Having Communion at Burger King. People will be saying prayers at home! We cannot allow this to happen. Summon the guy with the little white yamulka and tell him we gotta call this thing off before it spreads. Do you want the laity molesting their own little boys?  

It certainly didn't take long... the LAPD used Ring doorbell footage to monitor a demonstration against police brutality. You know... to identify attendees. Please don't make the police work too hard - send them your Ring videos, and any video from inside your house. Patriotic citizens have nothing to hide.

Today I identify as  a race car.  voom VOOM!

It's snowing.

Again.

Still.

Thursday snow has a much different cadence and feel than Wednesday snow. There's no denying Thursday snow. Out of all snows, Thursday snow is most recent. Wednesday's snow just didn't compare. We were worried that it might not snow Wednesday, but the faithful got their reward.

It's supposed to rain after the snow. In some other months, it would just be Thursday rain. Naturally we're hoping the rain washes away all the snow. It looks pretty bad, though. The guy who runs the plowing company, who's as predictable as air, stayed home. This is not a good portent.

When we point out our misery, some idiot do-gooder always says something like, "But look at Texas - they're a mess. Their supermarket shelves look like yours after the prediction of 1/4" snow." My heart goes out to Texas and all my friends there, but this ain't about Texas - it's about me bitching about precipitation.

I don't remember it being this bad when I was young. I also don't remember what I had for dinner last night and whether or not I shaved recently. My grandfather had a store. I remember sometimes going with him. Every morning, regardless of weather. I wonder what he'd think of working from home. It would definitely cut down on those annoying customers.

I did my penance... 9 months in retail. If that taught me nothing else, it taught me 2 things: 

1. I hate people
2. people are stupid.

According to the most viewable Large Breasted Weather Lady, we're seeing rates of 2" plus. Of course, it's on the I-95 line. I will be forever baffled as to how snow knows which side of the highway it's on. Maybe not... maybe someone from South Philly explained to the storm that if it knows what's good for it, it will keep on the west side of 95. It doesn't want to end up in concrete for new construction, if you know what I mean.

Ooh - freezing rain and ice are the big things to worry about. This is an added treat for Thursday snow. We have gone from a Winter Weather Advisory to a Winter Weather Warning. Nobody can explain what these are, but they sound sufficiently ominous. The added point here is that it's going to be contributing to the Friday snow, which is its own unique precipitation. I'd be happy to have an in-home demonstration from Large (or Small) Breasted Weather Ladies, but Mrs. lefty had bad experiences with Large Breasted and No Breasted Anchorpersons. who literally ran her down to get to a story. I assured her that Weather Ladies are less vicious (to the public), but she's still thinking about it. Let's be honest - the only time Large Breasted Weather Ladies are a danger to the public is if the public believes their forecasts.

There will be no trash pickup today, as the trash trucks are being used for sitting at bars salt distribution.

“And as he drove on, the rainclouds dragged down the sky after him, for, though he did not know it, Rob McKenna was a Rain God. All he knew was that his working days were miserable and he had a succession of lousy holidays. All the clouds knew was that they loved him and wanted to be near him, to cherish him, and to water him.”

-Douglas Adams - So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish 

* many years ago, a local news team did a story about sanitation trucks and their engineers. They took video of the trucks parked outside bars. After a major internal shakeup, this never happened again (they were ordered to leave the trucks at the yard and take their personal cars to the bar).

• If I had a band today, it would be called Free Covid Shots

Then there's additional snow moving. The new snow has completely covered the old snow, and the old snow was piled up pretty high. By the time the plows come by, sidewalk and drive snow moving operations will have blocked in cars and sidewalks with about 3' of snow. That's [laugh] in Canadian and [OMFG] in Texan. I don't have a snowblower, or rather, *I* am the snow mover. I don't have one because they work great when you buy them, then refuse to start every year after. To prove my point, the Crazy Lady, the 447 year old lady next door, had her small army of minions trying to start it today. As if I had missed the audio portion of this spectacle, the dog is highly agitated by snowblowers, and alerted me at 1 minute intervals. 

2 years ago I got into it with neighbors who were taking the snow out of their drive and dumping it on my car, parked in the street. I politely asked them not to do this, and they said it was my fault for parking in the street. Where do these people come from? I refuse to involve the police in something this stupid. Translated, the police don't show up for anything other than someone saying 'gun.' If I called my state rep, he would tax the snow. So I waited a bit and blew all the snow back into their drive. It's their fault for parking in their driveway.

This may or may not have something to do with, after getting Crazy Lady's blower going, 4 houses got their sidewalks cleaned, right up to my property line. What's even weirder is that these people, like most people, like Mrs. lefty. They just really don't like me. That's fine - I really don't like them either. I start off with respect, right up until they prove they don't deserve it. Don't forget - I had to ask the Crazy Lady to remove herself from my property because she was edging my grass, "because I didn't do it right." This wouldn't have been a problem had she mowed too. I'd send monthly fruit baskets. The woman has had her knee replacements replaced. Probably from perching up in her attic, in one of her many forms.

So with 3' of snow to move, my back is going to be a wreck (don't lift things too high or stand over your trunk and lift). Just to add to the Snow Train of Amusement, I was just informed "we have to get salt." Errr.... no. Even though 'we' means 'she', it also means I'll have to unearth the car and drive. This perfectly justifies my request for a tank on the lawn, fitted with a flamethrower. Yet the city will tell me no.

The fat little kids on the block cannot operate a shovel, even if it means they can buy a new gaming console with the proceeds from a single day of shoveling. If it involves snow or grass, you can pretty much name your price with me.

• The Queen (England, Canada) has confirmed Harry and Meghan will not carry out "duties that come with a life of public service"
• they will, however, turn into reptiles when angered

Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, John Bonham, John Lennon, George Harrison, Frank Zappa, all of Badfinger, Billy Preston, Leslie West, most of the Allman Brothers, Leon Russell, Freddie Mercury, Jeff Healey, Joe Cocker, Scott Weiland (STP), Peter Tork, Davy Jones, Gary Moore, Mitch Mitchell, Noel Redding, and Buddy Miles are dead.

Yoko Ono is 88. Happy birthday.

• There was an ugly shooting yesterday. It happened at 3pm, at a large transportation hub. Fortunately it was next to a hospital, which shows either inspired planning on the point of the shooter or just complete idiocy (I'm going for the latter). Something like 11 shots were fired. Idiot Mayor was outraged. The reason I bring this up is because Police Commissioner Outlaw was on tv. I just love saying that.
• When Idiot Mayor goes to sleep at night, he thinks to himself, "I wonder if she knows...."
• there's also someone on the Health Board named Dr. Coffin

The new PA healthcare boss, for some reason born an attractive female, had to come out with an Oops because someone(s) [200,000 doses] gave out Shot #2 instead of Shot #1. She stressed that she's not there to point fingers. Of course she isn't - who points the finger at themself?

It was difficult to see her, to be honest, because her sign language interpreter took up most of the tv screen. The natural progression of this is that there will be a small 8x10 picture of whoever's speaking in the upper right hand corner, and the entire screen will be filled up with the sign language interpreter. It's good to see the captain of this ship is drunk, as usual.

• It's that time again. Time for the Best Places to Work award. This is when we go insane and abandon all logic, while our narcissistic corporations work diligently to see their names in lights. If you have to beat your employees over the head each and every day to fill out the survey, it may not, in fact, be the best place to work.
• or in our case, we just really don't like to reply. Or fill anything out. Or speak.

The Philly school system is going to to hybrid learning. At some point. The teachers say no because they feel it's not healthy. Ignoring that minor point, the school board has purchased a ton of Flying AIDS testing kits. These are the same people who can't get enough books and supplies into classrooms. There will also be shots, but only for the principal and attractive administrative assistants he deems necessary.

• a lot of people say there's not enough good news in the world, let me help: 7,000 Toro Max snowblowers recalled, due to amputation hazard. Apparently the Stop Blades from Rotating lever doesn't always work. Of course if you stick your hands into visibly rotating blades, perhaps you flunked the test to own a snowblower.
• there are only 26 days til Spring. Try not to react violently when your Large Breasted Weather Lady announces this. I mean no disrespect, but until recently, they couldn't pronounce meteorologist, and now they are one.
• weather is getting back to normal: there is no snow. Instead, it will rain all day.

Some confused, overpaid Philly schools employee:

We live in a world where we are no longer color-blind. We should celebrate diversity and learn about all the differences.

-this guy should make up his mind 

Ichthyosaurs Tend Not to be Alive Much

Your love is like  rat cobbler

The news is on all channels - PANIC!

The snow and ice is having its way with the country. The odd part is that it's having its way with parts of the country that don't traditionally see snow, like Louisiana and Texas. The top half of the country is about to strike a deal to send heavy winter coats to Louisiana in trade for frozen gumbo. The deal holds for Texas, but frozen steak and barbecue. Both are being brokered by Donald Trump, who finds himself bored these days. Lowes is sending air conditioners, plants that grow in the cold, and tiki torches. Barnes & Noble is sending books on how to talk northern. The Salvation Army sent their trucks, but turned them back around when they realized it was slippery down there. Mardi Gras was canceled, which probably turned out to be a good idea. It's going to be very difficult to give women beads for breasts if it's 20 degrees and snowing. Of course, this depends on the amount of alcohol, as most things do...

The Hudson River was so full of ice, airplanes couldn't land. The Northeastern states held parties where they got (more) drunk and laughed (more) at everything south of New York.

Texas has rolling power blackouts. This is usually reserved for California, and provides great entertainment during wildfires the size of New Jersey. California is just happy to point its finger at someone else for an entry into the Weird Olympics. I hear the blackouts may continue for days.

It's so bad in Texas... 

• cattle can't walk into a bar and order a beer 
• The 10 gallon hats have been restricted to 5 gallons, and only during the day
• somebody had to tell George Bush it's cold outside
• the unofficial state motto changed to "Everything's Colder in Texas"
• people had to bring their guns inside - have you ever seen anything sadder than an empty gun rack on a pickup truck?
• bull horns on the front of Cadillacs went inside

Texas got more snow than the entire state of PA, except for the Pocono Mountains, which gets 24" daily.

Meanwhile, here, our V-Day plans went right down the old pooper. 3 days of crap that one shouldn't drive on. We had an Ice Advisory. Then an Ice Warning. We never actually had ice, but also never went out to test the forecast. Large Breasted Weather Ladies all over the country had more air time than ever. It's a particularly good time to catch one. In fact, you can change channels and see many! One Small Breasted Weather Lady did not take the easy way out and just made her hair bigger.

The only positive was that I didn't have to repeatedly scrape stuff off the car or shovel the drive. Still no flamethrowers for rent. Since I have a habit of going down on my butt when there's ice, I'm staying inside. The neighbors used to sit around, waiting for me to come out. Even if there was no ice, they'd throw water on my steps. We have an interesting relationship. And I have a black and blue ass. Sadly, this is not an aphrodisiac, but it keeps the neighbors entertained.

• There is a 1979 biography on Pythagoras. 
• are we supposed to believe the sources? did he talk to the subject himself? did he talk to friends and contemporaries? how does one really know Pythagoras?

President Trump has been acquitted on his 2nd impeachment. Upset but realistic, the democrats are beginning work on the 3rd impeachment. When asked about the grounds for impeachment, a spokesperson said, "I don't know, we'll drum something up."

It's 2050. All of the politicians we know have passed (except Nancy Pelosi's head). The New Democrats have an announcement:

D: We're pursuing impeachment against 2020's President Donald Trump

R: You're kidding, right?

D: Dead serious

R: Why on Earth?

D: Back when we were the Democrats, we only got to impeach him twice. Now that he's dead, we figured we'd give it another go.

R: What could you possibly hope to get out of this?

D: $$$$ and moral superiority

R: You already have moral superiority

D: Touche. More moral superiority. And we hate him.

R: It's been 30 years. Why?

D: We don't like him

R: Yes, you've made that plain since 2015

D: Can you keep a secret?

R: We're politicians - you tell me

D: We're afraid he'll come back

R: from the dead?

D: from the dead

R: and what are the odds of this happening? Don't forget - coming back from the dead is a republican thing, what with Jesus and all...

D: The thing is... he was so evil... we're afraid he figured out a way

R: Look, I can pretty much assure you he ain't coming back. People just don't. Our lord and savior aside.

D: You don't think he could pull it off?

R: Nope. Maybe it's a reflex

D: we did tend to get a bit... excited.. when someone mentioned his name

R: Barron Trump

D: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh

R: I just wanted to see if it was still true

• and when I get famous, I'll have the chance to wear all sorts of stuff I don't normally wear onstage. Like a medium-weight jacket. A wool cap. Perhaps a wool cap with bluetooth monitoring. At the rate these Really Hip Performers are going, it's only a matter of time til snowsuits.
• do you have any idea how much heat the body and spotlights generate? There's probably an ambulance waiting backstage for overheating. 
• But at least they look hip.

Today the president  took one of those tests where you put shapes into holes. Later on, he took one of those tests where you put shapes into holes. He watched The Bachelor, and asked his staff if one of the bachelorettes had children.

President Biden has expressed a preference for a fire built in the Oval Office fireplace, and sometimes adds a log himself to keep it going.  @CNN

CNN's playing hardball. I knew they wouldn't let up when Trump left.

You have to say at least one good thing about Biden: he's bringing in a culture of napping. Who doesn't love to nap? 

 

• RIP Rush Limbaugh (70)-cancer. Not my speed but you have to admit he had an influence.

Today I identify as  a nurse. Finally, somebody who does some good. It's a real shame I pass out at the sight of blood.

• My package is out for delivery. Yesterday.
• I continue to be amazed by the physics of package delivery

Even though restrictions on dining out have loosened, the World Health Organization has been rubbing its hands in an evil manner, because there are at least 7 new variants of the Flying AIDS. The new variants can be used to suck out even more international dollars and be used as an excuse to put everybody back in their houses when the WHO makes its next 'discovery.' Of course viruses all make variants, but they're waiting to spring this on the public, which believes everything it's told. Until then - wear an odd number of masks, starting at 3.

Even Idiot Mayor in Philly has loosened the strings on dining. The restaurants know this, but not what the restrictions are. One place built glass-enclosed booths outside, for outside dining (that's virtually indistinguishable from indoor dining, except you're in a glass booth). Others are thinking of stacking vertically, but this will violate some city law that hasn't been written yet. No longer having the Flying AIDS restrictions to bother with, Idiot Mayor is working on a way to tax it. It's for the children.  Think I'm kidding? A $450 million budget shortfall was just announced.

• Dubai's Princess Latifa was jailed in 2018 by her father, but escaped to the US and is hiding under the pseudonym Queen Latifah. So far, no one is the wiser.

FLYING AIDS 

Pfizer's vaccine appears to reduce transmission

Which we'd know if it went through normal trials 

Anthony Fauci wins Israel's Dan David $1m prize for 'defending science'

Different types of different science. On different days. $400,000 salary +$1m.

CDC releases updated “science based” school guidelines

It's ok to send the little ankle-biters back full time! No, really, it's Science!

Nope. Not until the Science is proven. Why risk your children?

Covid: Dutch crisis as court orders end to Covid curfew

"Breaches the right to free movement." Government is having a FIT.

Yes, America is Freedom. Even if other countries are more free.

Bill Gates has a master plan for battling climate change.

This is a renaissance man. Climate change, bad operating systems, virology, population thinning, this man does it all. He needs his own little island, where he can do the Mengele thing all by himself. Better yet, his own planet.

Why are thousands of National Guard troops still in DC?

Carrying life saving drugs and plasma to Congress? Some of them folks is already dead.

STOP THE PRESSES - CALL THE KARDASHIANS - INTERRUPT THE MASKED FURRY!

Harry and Meghan to be interviewed by Oprah.

We are a nation of morons. England has its fascination with royalty - can't we be satisfied with Oprah, the Kardashians, and the masked furry?

People are bagging on influencer culture.

They have no further to look than ThermionicEmissions. We have influenced no one at any time. We are delightfully our own blog, with our own spin on life. We are not influenced either - by anyone. We are not fashionable, we are not attractive, we say nothing because we should. We are not politically correct, we like boobies and stories about boobies, and we use words that will keep us out of 'polite society.'  [I need to put that in the blog's description]

Unfortunately, people have to watch out for the loud anti-influencers. After a short time, the anti-influencers start acting like the influencers, and it's time for a new war. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

So I guess ThermionicEmissions will stay the unofficial anti-influencer of the planet (and off-planet, when possible). I mean, can you imagine if this blog became influential? Do you really want to live in a world like that?

When the US lands on Mars, its helicopter, Ingenuity, will fly around, or at least try. Unfortunately it will not repeat the Rover's successes. The helo, created by an international team, will not make it long because the US refused to measure in metric and the other countries refused to measure in Standard. All of the parts appeared to fit, but will fall apart catastrophically in the air. This will be moot when Ingenuity discovers there is no air.

The Martians will also have none of this. They will shoot pocket keychain lasers at it, knocking it out of the sky. They will do this from the Mars Rover, which they rover-jacked the week it landed.

• Exploitation of metallic fragment from unidentified flying object, 4 May 1966
• The Black Vault brings us a CIA document detailing examination of this object, obtained via Freedom of Information Act.

If your morning wasn't ..... in perspective... enough, here's an adjustment: a fundraising commercial for a nursing service for end-of-life patients.

SJW SPUTUM

Woke teachers want Shakespeare removed from curriculum - "this is about white supremacy"

I know we will look back on this time and scratch our heads. History will look back on this time and ask WTF? It's like a theocracy, but tilted on its head and speaking out its ass.

Uncle Sam is also another old white guy....

Recently heard, not so sure....

No, Kanye and Beyonce will not go on Mt. Rushmore. Washington and Lincoln will not be replaced on currency. We will not swear on a bible and say "so help me, Roger Murdock." When having sex, we will not be required to yell "oh my Kobe." When we sneeze, no RUN DMC, and Giza was not built by Iced Tea, Ice Cube, or Iced Latte. Asians will not identify as black, nor will frogs. 

We miss Mark Twain now more than ever.