The Secret Word is a Secret

 

Your love is like  Crunchy Frog

One of the (internal) kids informs me there's a site called 'many fish in the' or something like that. She explains to me that it's like Tinder - random hookups for the purpose of boom-boom. I am apparently not hip enough to know about this site. This begs the question of why she knows about it.

Today I identify as  triple antibiotic cream

I need new glasses.

Wife told me the aviator frames are back. I seriously like these. She suggests Warby Parker. This confuses me because they don't have aviator frames. In fact, all of their frames look more or less the same, in different colors. So I can go to any number of places online to get frames, but I don't understand the measurements. In technical-speak, I want Big Ass Aviator Frames. There is no translation between the two. I notice that women have no trouble at all finding these in sunglasses, but they don't exist in men's frames, like decent songs on the radio. So now I can't figure out how to make this happen: do I just order the frames and go to a local store for an exam, or get an exam and try to find frames. Or just shoot myself. Shooting looks like the most logical solution - much easier than going 5 places so I can see again. And who really needs to see? It's not like I drive. Much.

Nothing starts a familial war quite like butter cookies.

Since my in-laws don't live anywhere near Civilization, we send normal stuff there. The favorite seems to be from a local bakery, in a relatively nice war zone. I say relatively nice because you're not dodging bullets. Often. I suspect the only reason this place is safe is because their cookies are so good. It's like a Safe Zone<tm>, in the middle of the city. If they shoot up the customers, the bakery will go out of business and the gangs won't get any cookies. Retail is very complicated in the 2000s. 

Cyberwarfare looms as Russia shells, invades Ukraine

So anyway... ummm... oh yeah, so we send cookies to the in-laws, along with this thing called butter cake. Nobody knows exactly what's in butter cake, and that's for the best. It's a short yellow cake, with some sort of delicious, sweet, butter icing. It's also best you don't know any of the nutrition information, because it's likely to cause hardened arteries in decent quantities, and believe me, it's impossible to eat this in small quantities.

So the goodies go out to the Netherlands, where they just got electricity and cell phone service is good, so long as you have a landline and don't try to use it. They literally have to walk up the block to get signal. It's the impossible dream, like a movie without III or 16 behind the name. Then the fun begins. Dad grabs the pound of cookies, saying they were sent up for him. He disappears. No one knows where he goes, as the house is small. Later, he is forced to bring the cookies back, sometimes by force, and make them public. Then he keeps on reappearing, asking meaningless questions, each time snaking his hand into the cookie box. As the cookies quickly dwindle to zero, the real fighting begins. Half the butter cake is gone, and people start noticing the cookies are nearly gone too. And heaven help the person who goes near the cherry pie; they're liable to touch it and draw back a nub.... Mom is serious about her pie too. I have never been there when this happens because, quite frankly, I'm scared. They're wonderful people, who would give you the shirts off their backs, unless there are cookies involved.

Plus I just can't visit a place where the nearest Walmart is an hour away, as is the McDonalds; two places I also don't visit. It makes me very popular with the family.

The Aliens are circling Earth.

They have their cloaking device on, so nothing on the planet can 'see' them. They're on a mission from the Multi-Planet Consortium, to see if Earth is ready to join the federation. The Prime Directive is in effect; they are not to interfere with the natives unless they're ready for First Contact. Yes, the aliens watched Star Trek too. Nobody knows how. Their version of Nurse Chapel was green, with four arms. Spock thought she was really hot.

Monitoring Earth they went, in their monitor-class ship, the Last Prize. The crew always bitched, believing they got the worst ship because of something Captain Sr92l*# said to the Council. Even the beelzerschmitzel was broken. And you know how they get when they can't have their beelzers.

As they orbit, they monitor television, which is a reflection of society. They see Texas Ranger, which upsets them greatly, as Chuck Norris isn't in it. They see Americans Idle. They see "I snigged my step sister." They see 27 Star Trek movies, 37 Star Wars movies, and too many Fast and Furiouses to count. They see the Masked Furry and start to pack things up. "These people are beyond not ready for First Contact. Judging from television content, it could be another century or two. Let's head home....

As they're setting course for the Plaedies, the captain says, "HOLD ON, guys. You're not going to believe this, but they have a Doctor Pimple Popper too! We're going in."

• GM seeks US approval to deploy self-driving car without a steering wheel
• because a driverless car with a steering wheel isn't terrifying enough 

White Castle hiring 100 robots to flip burgers.

Yes, but will they program them to get your order wrong? 

Flying AIDS News  

COVID’s spread within hospitals hit all-time high amid omicron wave

Google will no longer require US employees to be vaccinated against COVID-19

It's getting ready to SNOW again.

How can I tell? The forecast says no precipitation.

You can't tell by looking - the sky is always gray - no clues there.

On the positive side, this will cancel our trip to the place that rhymes with Bosco. Yes, I know we need food, but I just can't take that place, more specifically the people who shop there. And their Customer Confusion Program, in which they move everything around weekly, so you can never find what you're looking for.

I always stop to look at those humongous tv's.

I don't want one. I don't need one. But I feel compelled to look.

I should probably ask the doctors about this. Maybe some Adderall.

I have to warn you about.... uhh... dammit.. what's the name of that stuff? It sounds and looks healthy and has an X in there somewhere, probably at the end. They make health bars and other stuff. The problem is if you're looking for flavor, you're better off eating the box they come in. I've never tried it, but I just can't get near the chicken in a can. Or several other canned 'meats.' TIP: do NOT go to the FDA site for what they allow to be called 'meat.' Also avoid the FCC site, on general principles. And shut down the IRS.

Commonwealth Games: Athletes allowed to protest about social injustice at Birmingham 2022

In fact, all athletic competitions will be suspended. Replaced with:

• 100 member BLM chant
• who can take a knee fastest
• who has the best Antifa accessory
• fastest -legible- protest sign created
• loudest complaint decrying lack of women in football
• most traffic blocked outside the stadium

Better than bobsledding? You decide.

Tesla is working to make Steam video games work in its vehicles

So you put out quite a few hard-earned dollars for your Tesla.

You have to worry about spontaneous explosions, battery fires, and random braking. Let's now add "I wasn't driving - I was playing video games."

Honda, terribly jealous of Tesla's ability to get press for every little fatal flaw in their cars, is investigating 1.7 million cars for phantom braking. 

Tesla already does this. Can't Honda be original? Ejecting seats or something? 

Headline of the Month (year?) 

Aaron Rodgers’ go-to cleanse could involve oily enemas, bloodletting, vomiting

It sounds like a Flying AIDS cure..

Russia - Ukraine 

ThermionicEmissions condemns any act of aggression or war.

Dmitry Rogozin says he does not appreciate “openly hostile” US policy

Says the man whose country just invaded Ukraine 

Four-time world champion Sebastian Vettel says the Russian Grand Prix should be cancelled - and he will not be there if the race goes ahead.

What a sissy. So there's a full scale invasion going on. Does he think he's so important that someone is going to fire an ICBM at his car? 

Vladimir Putin is over the top giddy because his army has seized the Chernobyl nuclear plant, which melted down in 1986. Apparently his aides were terrified to tell him... Russia now owns:

• a building still full of radioactive debris
• a power plant that won't power
• the prestige of owning a melted-down nuclear power generator

With the news of the invasion comes interesting news: things can be blamed on it. So far the integrated circuit chip shortage and inflation are alleged victims of Putin's folly. If you watch and wait, there will be more blame:

• the USPS going with 8mpg trucks instead of electric ones
• little Jimmy's wagon loses a wheel
• men who can't get it up
• rent payments late
• actual buildings missing [in Ukraine]

Interview with Mr. Mackey:

War is bad, M'kay?

• FAA now says 5G airports may interfere with Boeing 737s
• The same altimeters the FAA cleared last month....

In order to do my job, I have to be a pretty tenacious and black and white guy. Either it's working or it's not working. Apparently the FCC doesn't work the same way. Either that or somebody's bribe bounced.

George Washington University Apologizes for Tracking Locations of Students, Faculty [thehill.com]
George Washington University President Mark Wrighton issued an apology for tracking students' location data without consent and said using such data "raises important privacy considerations and potential breaches of expected ethical norms in higher education." 

Further, they explained it was all a mistake.

They were told to make sure wireless was accessible, which sounds just like "make sure to track all student location data without their permission."              

• How to file your taxes online without hurting your wallet or your privacy

World number three Alexander Zverev has been thrown out of the Mexican Open after "unsportsmanlike conduct" that saw him attack the umpire's chair at the end of a doubles match in Acapulco.

He also called the taco "a national disgrace," questioned the net's parentage, accused the balls of being impotent and underinflated, and said the surface was as tilted as the Tower of Pisa.

Zverev and the umpire are holidaying together in Spain.

In his bid to make government more diverse, President Taxit nominated the first black female judge to the Supreme Court. He needs to try harder. Yes, he has nominated no white males to any post, but he could have easily nominated a black female Jew to the Court. Still there are no midgets, pagans, satanists, or trans people there - not even a single gay. Is this the best he can do? Is this to be his legacy?

What Biden's aides don't tell him is that the black female is the lady on his IT team. Once on the Supreme Court, her opinions will largely be "Did they turn it off and on again?"

• I just saw an article on threat detection, which mentioned 'security hygiene.' You're probably saying to yourself, "WTF is security hygiene?"
• As someone in the field, I can help. Security hygiene is washing your hands after you surf. Not opening every email. Not clicking on every link. Securing your browser. Using private mode, which does NOT protect your surfing, but cleans up everything after you're done - no history. 

12.5 People Read This Blog Today

 

Your love is like  a dull knife in the bladder

Fish Might Really Be Self-Aware, New Study Finds

This study involves recognizing yourself in a mirror.

Based upon that, my dog and half my friends are not self-aware 

Today I identify as  a just-removed Christmas decoration

Evolutionary anthropologist Herman Pontzer busts myths about how humans burn calories—and why

Hint: It ain't exercise

TOLD YOU SO! 

Eating vegetables may not protect against heart disease, study suggests

pretty soon you'll see - exercise causes cancer, vegetables should be eaten lightly, and chocolate is a required nutrient.

Sydney, Australia:  all five members of the Australia Marketing Board were found dead this morning, in their offices. Suicide is suspected. The long, rambling note mentioned the fatal shark attack and the snake emerging from the supermarket shelf, both in the past 2 days.

Beijing Olympic News 

It's over - YAY!

Now begins the finger-pointing.

slave labor is cleaning up with brooms purchased from Korea 

Over in Russia, Vladimir "The Inhaler" Putin has categorically denied any plans or efforts to invade Ukraine. He made this statement one mile from the Ukraine border, in the midst of a line of tanks that went on for miles. Later in the day, Putin re-emphasized his desire for peace, from a battery of missiles larger than Moscow. His words received applause from the 35,000 peace-keeping troops at the border.

England is now in the spotlight, but doesn't always have the right words to alarm the world sufficiently. Not to worry - the US, which can't be seen to be directly involved, is telling Boris what to say (over the Batphone).

• Shocking BRAWL erupts on live TV debate in Ukraine as pro-Russia politician punched and put in a headlock by journalist
• maybe it's time we looked into this kind of journalism...

Florida woman allegedly stabbed husband 140 times, fractured skull with meat cleaver: police said

in a dispute over who was driving to the store 

• 4 in 10 people admit to taste-testing their pet’s food
• Unrelated: 4 in 10 people are not properly medicated 

Texas skydiving instructor dies after parachute fails to open

being an amateur agoraphobic, acrophobic, and General Chicken has its advantages. When I consider whether to do something, I ask what's the worst thing that can happen, thus skydiving is a definite NO. RIP, guy.

**** Hey, is there a Left Handed History Month yet?

• My uncle has alzheimers. His cognitive decline is so bad, he's thinking of running for president.

Truism: no matter what your gender, a dog turning around with one foot on your nipple is excruciatingly painful.

Fleetwood Mac lost their superpowers when Lindsey Buckingham cut his hair.

In fact, some believe the short-haired Lindsey isn't even Lindsey. Paul is dead.

Flying AIDS News

A sign we're getting back to normal: 

World’s Top Condom Maker Sees Rising Demand as Virus Rules Ease

Also: condoms and KitKats warn of price rises

The C.D.C. Isn’t Publishing Large Portions of the Covid Data It Collects

Ivermectin fails another COVID trial as study links use to GOP politics

Vaccine makers announce slowdowns for omicron-specific booster

Efficacy of Ivermectin Treatment on Disease Progression Among Adults With Mild to Moderate COVID-19 and Comorbidities

Iceland to lift all COVID-19 restrictions on Friday

Coronavirus: Face masks could increase risk of infection, medical chief warns

Bill Gates: “This was an interesting test of people’s trust in their politicians or their health system. We didn’t do as well as I would have expected.”

It's out in the open, from the mouth of Gates! 

• One in Five Gen Z Adults Now Say They Are LGBTQ
• Rise explained by surge in those identifying as bisexual or trans, not gay or lesbian.
• They have absolutely no imagination. Why stick with LGBTQ when they can identify as a firetruck or a Lamborghini?

Harvard law professor says Tucker Carlson guilty of "treason" for criticizing Biden over Russia.

C'mon.... a Harvard law professor? I'd expect him to actually know something about law. If you need any proof that universities are useless indoctrination and this is a political statement.....

It's the 60th anniversary of Barney and Betty Hill's abduction in New Hampshire.

There was a lot of work done on the abduction. Hypnosis revealed both had the same story. Betty drew a star system that turned out to be accurate after it was 'officially' mapped. There was missing time and grays.

American Airlines pilot's harrowing UFO report to FBI so detailed it shook experts

This is brave. Sometimes if you're a pilot reporting a UFO, you may wind up piloting a desk.

ME: Have you seen the chipotle spice?

HER: No.

ME: Have you seen ANY of the spices?

HER: No, why?

ME: They've gone missing.

HER: The garlic is there.

ME: How can you not know the spices have dematerialized but the garlic is there?

HER: Obviously somebody moved it.

ME: I'll go with that. Where did you move it to?

HER: Check the table.

ME: Nope.

HER: Well then I don't know where they are.

ME: Fifteen bottles of spices? Just disappeared?

HER: Maybe I was cleaning.

ME: Do you know if you were cleaning?

HER: No.

ME: I get kinda upset, asking you for the whereabouts of everything in this house. Speaking of which, I need a colander for this pasta.

HER: Let's see... where is the colander?  Here - no. There - no. I dunno.

ME: Are you starting to understand my frustration?

HER: Yes [walks away]

The yes/walks away thing is not really a yes. You can tell from the tone. It's subtle. It's like asking someone to admit they were wrong. If they mumble, that's not really an answer. If they throw the dining room table at you, you should change the topic of conversation.

So fortunately I have garlic, the most important spice. It's great on anything, including breakfast cereal. But I really want to know where the spices went. I will meet in the middle and be happy if they re-materialize.

A place for everything - that changes hourly.

• Children with high intelligence start to speak late.
• My brother spoke early. I spoke at 19. They said if I didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything...

The Woke AMA

don’t say “equality”; say “equity.” Don’t say “minority”; say “historically marginalized.”

My Other Service Animal is an F-35

Your love is like   bifurcated tongue on purpose

I need your help, readers.

We need to do all we can to get napping added to the next Olympics. I will bring home the gold!

Today I identify as  the entire mixed-gender Olympic bumper cars team

You can't help but notice our celebrities and rock stars are dropping off like mad. Cancer and even old age are taking them. They've given so much to us and now it's time to give back: I'm introducing the Adopt-A-Celebrity program. We all chip into a fund to have our favorite people medically tested weekly.  If I lost Jeff Beck, I'd be inconsolable. Dammit, I'm still dealing with the loss of Frank Zappa. If we had gotten Frank checked more frequently, he'd still be here with us.  So we'd pay to get them checked on a weekly or monthly basis, prolonging their lives and assuring ourselves more of that golden output. So it's more of an enlightened altruism, but it works out best for all. Remember: Adopt-A-Celebrity today!  Special rates for Alec Baldwin and bands I don't like.

This Tesla news is not about a Tesla - it's about an Elon Musk tweet. He deleted it after 12 hours, but it was a picture of Hitler, with the words "Stop comparing me to Justin Trudeau. I had a budget." You just can't make a good Hitler joke these days. I'm getting disgusted at the Speech Police. If you don't like it, don't read it.. this goes for anything from anyone.

Microsoft Strikes Again

You will need a Microsoft account to set up Windows 11. With Windows 10 and currently 11, you can set up a local account. This is going away.

Windows should be going away. You owe it to yourself to use a different, privacy-intensive operating system. At work, everything I do is available to my coworkers - they just have to click on my profile and they can see what programs I have been using. Do you think Microsoft fails to take advantage of this? I don't need an account to set up a Mac or use linux. Windows 10 should have started the stampede away from Microsoft, yet it didn't.

Using linux, you can put together a desktop that looks and works exactly like Windows, so there's very little learning time. You can run a 'live usb' version, which will show you how it works and not change anything on your hard drive. If you have any questions, ask away.

• Sydney shark attack: Beaches reopen after British swimmer's death
• authorities are stymied as to the lower numbers of swimmers  

It's been a fun week of weather: during the week, we've seen just about every kind of weather, focusing largely on clouds and precipitation. Today it's so windy, cars and small houses have been seen blowing down the streets. The news said it was 20-30-40mph gusts. Interestingly enough, small amounts of sun are managing to appear between the clouds, like talent appearing in songs on the radio.  Some younger people on the block have never seen the sun and have to be therapized accordingly. No one is too concerned, because the sun will only disappear when the clouds have noticed it got through.

Definition

refrigerator: where you put stuff to keep it warmer than the air outside

Dad takes down town's internet by mistake to get his kids offline

What are you complaining about? The kids couldn't get online - mission accomplished....

Back to the dentist.

It went precisely as I figured, with the Doc looking at the previously-donated tooth site and telling me it was fine. Sure it was fine, except for taking pain relievers every four hours, lady. Then she started to do some more serious extracting, this time from my wallet. The prices to do anything involving putting back a tooth are beyond ridiculous. Some of them, not covered by insurance, cover a Fender Custom Shop guitar. Aside from that, the procedure gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies (technical term). My insurance is kind enough to cover half of the bridges we're building. By the time they're done, my mouth will be a series of holes, bumps, and bridges, none of which you want to cross.  

Naturally, they 'discovered' several more teeth that required 'things' done to them. 

I don't remember being told about this, but I suspect this is part of the Dental Operation: Shock and Awe. They beat you with Major Stuff<tm>, then you're likely to approve anything else of a smaller nature. They're quite clever that way, like Dick Cheney. As part of Shock and Awe, after the doctor is done, they send back a staff member to discuss what the options will cost. Sometimes this is so shocking, they don't need to numb teeth. So they send back the most attractive staff member in the office to go over everything, so if you're a guy (or lesbian), your brain is fried between looking at the prices and looking at the tech. They have her strategically unbutton a few buttons on her shirt to further befuddle you. By the time I got back home, when Wife asked me how it went, I just shook my head and continued to mumble "expensive.... boobies.... Chrissie.... boobies..." and she got the general idea. To further confuse me, Chrissie sat with me a while and discussed personal stuff: she has a pet alligator names Alowishcious, just went up to DD with her new implants, and will only swallow on special occasions. I 'forgot' to tell Wife about this part. I suspect the office pays for the implants for the girls and writes it off as a business expense.

So all that's left is to make an appointment. This is like making an appointment for.. the dentist.... oh, wait.... for the.. 

• According to my email, Fluffy tickets are now on sale!
• I wonder if they're fuzzy too, and maybe nice to touch.

So it's the weekend and we try to get out a little.

Naturally you know something's coming.

Wife took Saturday off, so she and dog stayed in bed.

I was up bright and early Sunday (1:30pm), which pretty much ruled out anything but food. 

I know we're foolish, but the ads for a certain damn near Italian chain really make the food look good (as opposed to Sonic, whose ads are used to cure constipation). Last time we went, there was a 45 minute wait, which I don't.

Deciding to get breakfast early (4pm), we took the small car. Which wouldn't start (with the new $300 battery). Neither the car nor I like the cold.

Off we went, in the larger car.

Annnnnnd the Garden of Olives had a 40 minute wait. 

One could say at least they're consistent.

I wouldn't say that, because I was cursing in a way that would make the entire navy blush.

Plan B was in effect, so we had a nice breakfast there.

As we were pulling up to the house, Wife said "That's the check engine light, isn't it?"

Why yes, yes it IS the check engine light.

Do I have to shove some sage up my ass and light it?

Even the doctors tell me we get way more than our share of bad luck. They should know - they went to 10 years more school than me.

HE: As I was saying, before I kept getting interrupted...

SHE: [interrupts] But I don't interrupt.

Happy Virgin's Day - Get Out the Golf Balls

 

Your love is like  liver

• Women and boob guys want to know why, when she loses weight, are the boobs the first thing to go?

Today I identify as  run-over squirrel

A Tale of Love or something - How We Met  

We worked in a building with a bunch of doctors' offices. I was friends with her office, especially the petite brunette nurse, who was unfortunately leaving. So I faxed my requirements to the doctor for the new nurse (petite brunette, etc). He was a bit of a trouble maker, so he showed my specs to his new nurse, who wasn't petite or brunette or anything else on my list. She was not amused, to put it mildly.

It was a cold, gray, snowy day, which could be 5 moths out of the year. I didn't bring lunch, nor did she. Someone suggested we order out, so we did. Our first sit down happened in her office. The entire building had very dry heat, so everything you touched gave off a spark, including us. If you ask her, we had sparks. I don't argue. We had a great time and she did something she told me she never did; gave me her number. She was feeling a bit light and dizzy.

One day she was in my office, because I had the Chocolate Drawer, which drew women like mad. After she left, my coworker said I must like her, because I allowed her in my personal space, even just to get candy. Uh-oh. I think that's when it hit me like a brick wall. I could think of no one nor nothing else. My mother said I had never called to bring a lady home before - she must be special.

She was.

A long time later, she still is.

It ain't perfect. But it IS.

We've been through hell together, with medical and psych diagnoses, and a house and cars and dogs that eat up every cent I make.

And only a few years ago, I discovered our meeting was a plot between our two offices. Thanks, guys.

We even have a song.

We're off to our anniversary dinner. I just have to find my rubber hose.

Flying AIDS News 

STUDY: CensorTrack Documents Over 800 Cases of Big Tech Censoring COVID-19 Debate

FDA, Pfizer abandon 2-shot COVID vaccine in kids under 5, citing new data

COVID causes “substantial” longterm cardiovascular risks, huge study finds

Booster protection from omicron hospital stay dips from 91% to 78%

Why is Canada's Covid death rate so much lower than US?

Omicron wave was brutal on kids; hospitalization rates 4X higher than delta’s

Covid: Charles met Queen two days before testing positive

(she gave it to him on purpose - you would too) 

Study: Vitamin D Deficiency Linked to Severe COVID

CDC wants to “give people a break” from masks, says new guidance coming

So with all the auto manufacturers going electric, are we satisfied that the costs to produce the cars and keep the electrical charging grid going are significantly lower and less environmentally detrimental? 

• "No," he said, he was not aware that their marriage wasn't diverse enough.

Beijing Olympic News  

• Winter Olympics: Kamila Valieva competes after failed drugs test
• unrelated: Alec Baldwin allowed to shoot, Dick Cheney allowed to hunt, President Taxit allowed to go outside unaccompanied 

China censors Friends to remove lesbian jokes in crackdown on ‘immoral content’ as millions defy regime to complain

Idiots. Imagine them going to all this trouble for lesbians. They should have banned the show for lack of content or taste.

Winter Olympics: The couples spending Valentine's Day at Beijing 2022

UPDATE: the US couple identified as Friends with Benefits, the French Couple identified as 'just came out of the Port-A-Pot.' The Belgian couple were just swapping with the Swiss. The Ghana team was all over the place because other athletes wanted to know if it was true what they say....

• Winter Olympics: Games official claims stories of human rights abuses are 'lies'
• Ve did not chop off limbs, pull toenails, or hook anybody's nipplez up to car batteriez. Ve haf only annexed Taiwai a little bit. We haf not pulled off the ears of za whiggers. Lastly, ve did not unleash the Flying AIDS upon the world - zat voz Switzerland. Ya, Switzerland.

President Taxit called Vladimir Putin over the weekend to warn him about trying to shut down Disney in Sweden. He was very firm. The problem arose when somebody discovered that he didn't speak Russian and Putin didn't speak English.

Why was the Super Bowl halftime show 95% black? Are we going to hear impassioned cries for diversity? I learned guitar by listening to white and black players - there's your diversity.

• It's freezing outside and the dog is running around with a fiber bar wrapper.
• All is normal.

It's been a while since I've said it, so twatwaffle 

• Catholic priest incorrectly performed thousands of baptisms by changing word, making them invalid
• Instead of 'baptize', he said 'molest'.

There is some confusion over the passing of Bob Saget. 

The cause of death was initially natural causes but has morphed to severe skull fracture from a beating. We know these things look very similar in Los Angeles. The family has asked for privacy (meaning one of them did it).

We will endeavor to rout out the truth (no we won't). Our initial theory is that he beat himself to death then hid the baseball bat.

Pelosi, Schumer Urged to Pass Chip-Funding Bill by 21-Industry Group

HUH?

Why do we, the citizens, need to fund increased chip manufacturing? 

The government does not exist to fund. This is the function of business.

The government has no money; it's YOUR money.

• Ericsson admits it may have paid off ISIS terrorists
• this line item here... it's either additional fuel or we paid off terrorists...

I Used to be Pretty Good at Walking

 

Your love is like  Snausages (which smell exactly like Slim Jims)

• Where was the weirdest place you got a pimple?

Today I identify as  those little metal things that keep Ace bandages from unraveling once you put them on your limb.

Another great thing about living in the current time.... there was no internet when some of our parents were raising us, thus they wouldn't come across this article called "How to tell if your child may be a psychopath"

NEW YORK — Americans who love hitting the gym and taking selfies while they work out are more likely to exercise in the morning.

What about Americans who blog and generally don't get off the couch? The answer is we're better adjusted, because even if we did exercise, we wouldn't take selfies. We're aware enough to know nobody wants to see that crap.  

 

• Senators: CIA has secret program that collects American data
• The CIA is not supposed to operate on American soil against Americans. And this is just what was found. 
• Told you so. 

Beijing Olympic News  

Kamila Valieva, the 15-year-old Russian figure skating star who helped her team win Winter Olympic gold in Beijing, failed a drugs test in December.

China says the failed drug test is caused by sigfinicant anti-Chinese bias and demands Kamila be allowed to compete. China further suspects people are still mad about that Covid thing.

China is also pissed because the rest of the world has a first name and a last name, in that order.

• the Apple update for my work phone says it will correct something about Braille displays.
• is there an ADD display too? Maybe something for dyslexics or premature ejaculators? 

Oxymoron: Effective Meetings

Hold everything! Pause your surfing. Put your texting to bed. Put your calls on Ignore. AMERICANS IDLE has a new season!

• My mom, and later on, stepdad, supported me unequivocally.
• that may explain this blog. And a lot of shocked faces. 

Tesla Extravaganza

In today's Tesla news, pedestrian warning systems in 578,607 cars, aka 'Boombox' feature will be disabled. Boombox allows owners to play music through the external-facing speaker, which is said to 'interfere with safety standards.'  

BOOO to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, which simply doesn't want anybody having any fun.

Also in Tesla news, Tesla factory is “racially segregated workplace,” Calif. state agency alleges

I don't approve of discrimination, but I don't approve of the state being allowed into the business of private business.

'Full Self-Driving' clips show Teslas on train tracks and fighting for control. Experts see deep flaws.

Full self-driving not ready for prime time. I told you so.

However, failing to stop for a pedestrian in a crosswalk is pretty cool. It will teach them to pay attention.

• Parent Livid After School Instructs 8th-Graders to Describe Sex Acts Using Pizza Toppings
• I'm trying to figure out what this would look like.
• Pepperoni won't fit through olives.... peppers are way too large for sausage... onions overpower beef....
• ok, it was a silly exercise at teaching kids you have to ask your partner what they want before sex, since it might not be what you thought.
• That's pretty clear and considerate. I might like pepperoni but she prefers veggie. But then again, would I really be having sex with a girl who prefers veggie?

Many Republicans think the NFL does too much for Black players and are losing interest in the league, poll shows

1. I did not create that headline
2. I am not a republican (I'm a libertarian)
3. I think the NFL is cuckoo for cocoa puffs, plus the players' shenanigans lately
4. I don't see this ending well
5. I think the NFL treats black and white the same - especially on Traumatic Brain Injury
6. Who fscking cares - I am the Anti-Sports

• if you're shopping for an android tablet, do NOT get any of the Amazons. Amazon sits on top of android and hijacks all your information for the benefit of Amazon. There are ways to de-Amazon the tablet on the web.

You just cannot kill everybody who doesn’t agree with you.

Dammit.

Sometimes practical advice is the worst.

The band of bad weather, including snow, has been over the area and not moving for hours. Sometimes I feel it's just a bunch of gray clouds, permanently over the area. Or just my house.

So it's snowing. Again.

this is a pretty normal and repeating sequence of events: it snows, I get aggravated. Sometimes I shovel. It's not like I live in the southwest, where it's not supposed to snow... I just wish it didn't snow here. The weatherguy said the band might slip into New Jersey, and good riddance, I say. We get enough from New Jersey - they can have our snow.

We were supposed to go out today, naturally. The only thing keeping the roads safe is that it's just above freezing. As soon as it goes down a few degrees, black ice starts.  Mrs. lefty discovered cars don't move as efficiently upside down, due to black ice, so we'll be staying in. Again. 

I had to change the tv channel, due to Sports Glut. First the Olympics, then football. The thing most mentioned was a halftime show. We are a nation of morons. I get credit for knowing all the names performing, and extra credit for avoiding them. The irony is that it's going to be really hot, wherever the game is (CA?) and it's snowing here. I'd gladly trade.

I rarely watch tv, but today it's going to be insufferable. Our Super Bowl party usually involves Monty Python movies and treats. Because I am the Anti-Sports.

• A man in upstate New York is fighting to keep his emotional support pig
• once again, the government pokes its nose where it doesn't need to be
• let them try to come for my service elephant....

On the Ice, a Question: Where Are the Black Figure Skaters?

Where are the white halftime show performers? 

• Destinee Lashaee Dies: ‘My 600-lb Life’s First Trans Castmember Was 30
• sheesh... who saw that coming?
• This is obviously discrimination against trans people
• hang on a second... this 600-lb person realized they were a different gender. How come none of the 600-lb people realize they were skinny?

"Moo," Went the Little Couch

Your love is like   condom pie

Please buy my new book:

Congressional Ethics - a History of Oxymorons

Today I identify as  an Olympic judge, bribed by the Finland Mafia

My text alert just went off. Four times. This drives me up a tree. A very thorny tree. A tree with a lot of branches thin enough to hit me repeatedly and hurt. There are very few people who have my number, and this is on purpose. I'm just not interested. In much of anything, especially of the quality sent by people who don't have my number. Not to mention the people who DO have my number. When the texts come in in numbers, it can only mean someone sent a picture of their kid doing something, and several others replied how wonderful he looked, although you couldn't really pick him out in the crowd. The final text was Mrs. lefty saying WOW. We've been together so long that it was sad she would do this to me. The more texts come in, the more ANGRY I get. The more angry I get, the greater chance I will respond negatively in my own text. This is the reason not many have my number. Even if my phone is quiet, I sometimes make Wife silence her phone, because it's like some sort of Special symphony, constantly interrupting whatever else is going on in the Real World. She just got a text after speaking with that person. This is like when she visits her mother, comes home, calls to tell Mom she got home safe, and doesn't get off the phone for two hours.

So I like a quiet phone. And I have a quiet phone. It sits next to me all day, not making a noise while I'm in my office. Lately it has begun to take notice when I'm not near it. When I leave my office to have lunch with Wife, THEN it rings. This is obviously personal. Her doctors call me because they can't find her. They seem to think *I* can. Sometimes she's not there while sitting next to me, while we eat lunch.

This is why I set it so if I don't know you, you can't call me. The effect is satisfying. In fact, the only time the phone rings, it's for Her. Ok, that's not satisfying. I should just let her carry it. But if I did that, she'd leave it somewhere, with hers, and we'd have to use the landline to call the phones so we could find them.

• Microsoft says the internet is the nicest it's been since 2016.
• and that Windows 11 doesn't collect any of your information 

We try to be good neighbors... well... at least where the dog is concerned. If she starts barking in her yard, we bring her in immediately. Thus it's been confusing lately, when we hear her barking and think she's supposed to be napping in the house. Yes, another dog has developed a Penny impersonation. So now, in the middle of important work meetings, I have to go running to see if she's in the yard. I think my house is somehow involved in this... maybe it taught the other dog how to impersonate her.

• on Wife's sweet creamer, it says "plus artificial flavors"
• what's artificially flavored - the sweet or the cream?

I ask for so little. Really.

No snickering, please.

STOP LAUGHING.

At the end of the day, like most people, I get in bed. As far as I know, it's a pretty standard thing. It's good to know that there are one or two pretty standard things happening in my house (and life). Just one or two.

Since it's the end of the day, it's the last thing I do (duh).

All I ask is that it can be accomplished in the least difficult manner possible. You'd think this would be an easy request, and it would, in normal circumstances. But I don't live in normal circumstances.

First of all, and all men will know; like football, bed is a territorial acquisition game. We lost before we started because She Who Will Be Obeyed has all the bed. Even after she acquires the entire sleeping area, she will try for more. The life of man is to 

1. hold onto the meager sleeping space they have
2. try to get a few more inches, so his butt doesn't hang off the mattress, getting cold in the winter. Because a man is not a man with cold buttocks. Or even a cold buttock.

When you tell Spouse about this, you'll get all sorts of sympathy. This is called Alleged Sympathy, and it's all part of the Mystique. She will then make a small adjustment to make it look like you're getting something out of the deal, and your buttocks remain warm. After all, if you're not married, she may want to do something that cold buttocks makes alarming. Ahem. This doesn't matter, as the next night, cold buttocks will be back. It would be worse if you were a dog - they have no buttocks. But this is also a meaningless distinction, because even the dog has more space than you.

While doing that dance, you may find your spouse is a twirler. It's important to figure out the direction of the twirling. Mine twirls counter-clockwise, so she gets all the blanket and 90% of the sheet. This has resulted in us using two blankets and two sheets. Even then she sometimes gets the second blanket. In the morning, you discover she wins. It's like football, but uglier. And in football, you can use your strength to get what you want. Try that with a Wife - go ahead - I dare you.

But the above is just what everybody must go through. I mention it because each blog entry requires a certain amount of words (no it doesn't).  My life is different, while simply asking to get in bed without grief and aggravation. I spend all day fighting dragons and making sure my paycheck was deposited directly. I just want to fall into bed and go to sleep. Or, you know, the other thing. I don't even mind the dog's nighttime ritual of standing on my chest and licking my forehead until she physically has to be pulled off me. No, I get Other Stuff....

Dog toys. It started out cute... "Look, she brought a toy to bed."

Then "Why are there 4 dog toys in bed? 2 of them are buried under the sheet. On my side, of course."

"Could you please tell your dog not to leave crumbs where my feet go? I wouldn't normally complain, but the pile is 2" tall - it's like boulders."

"Who spilled something on my side of the bed?"

"Why has the mattress moved 6" and my end is hanging off?"

"I know my blanket was there last night. Oh, the dog?"

"There's a dog on my pillow... no I'm not sharing."

"I can't imagine how there is now a line of shoes tripping me, in the dark."

"Ok, who let the alpaca in?"

"I told you to park the VW Bug in the living room, not the bedroom"

Then "HONEY, THERE'S A TRAIN CROSSING in front of the bed. Did someone put a station in our bedroom?"

The answer is inevitably "Sorry!"

I strongly suspect I'm going to need a guide, with a flashlight, to take me to the bed every night. I know I'd be doing my bit for the local economy, but wouldn't it be easier to just give me a clear shot to the bed, and a place on the bed?

What do you mean NO?

I see.

• The British can look down their noses at us Colonists, thinking they've got it all together with their National Health and their bloody royals, but the manual transmission is standard there, while the automatic is standard here. We are going for progress, and are secure enough to have our gears shifted for us, even in our relatively humongous police cars.
• Suck it, Prince Andrew.

Flying AIDS News  

Abrupt end to mask mandates reflects a shifting political landscape

Boris Johnson plans to end England’s Covid rules a month early

Under pressure to ease up, Biden weighs new virus response

As states drop masking, CDC stands by guidance: “We are not there yet”

Global freedoms have hit a 'dismal' record low, with pandemic restrictions making things worse, report says

GLAM ARMY

• Meet Ukraine’s gun-toting military girls sharing videos and pictures from the front line ahead of Russia invasion
• can US troops defect?
• is there a regulation lipstick? eyebrows?

Happy V-Day, everybody.

It's a happy time for us, as it's our anniversary.

Or a nasty time, depending on moods.

We normally go out to a (her) favorite restaurant the day before or after, to avoid the crowds. I better get flowers, before they go to $100/dozen.

How many years has it been? I don't know - I'm a man. Men are incapable of remembering trivial numbers, that's why they have women. Some men are even smart enough not to say that in front of women.

It's been a lot of years. A lot of years.

She hit me like a ton of bricks when I met her.

And regularly thereafter, with a single brick.

I only found out recently we were set up by our coworkers.

Most are still in jail, so there's not much I can do.

I begged her for months to move in.

She still complains about the house.

She says there's no space.

Because of all the shoes she bought.

My pronouns are GTFO.

Hers are you(plural), they, them.

I like pizza.

She likes lobster rolls and something called rangoon.

I sleep all night.

She sleeps all day, guaranteeing a long marriage, because we never see each other.

I work in my home office.

She talks to me all day, especially during important meetings.

We fight nicely.

We keep the volume below a Metallica concert.

We will go down with the ship together.

Probably because we've been drilling holes in it.

meh - V-Day. Just another holiday created to sell stuff and make singles miserable.

And to make married people miserable, but that may be redundant.

• TikTok shares your data more than any other social media app — and it's unclear where it goes, study says

Frontier flight from NYC to Orlando makes emergency stop after unruly passenger yells that woman is trying to 'steal his DNA', threatens to kill everyone on board and has to be restrained by six other travelers

now this is the kind of plane stop headline I want to see. No more fighting over masks.

Aardvarks with Anvils All in Arizona Around An Alleged Ark

 

Your love is like  peanut butter wanton soup

Keep in mind that we are now past the Groundhog Equinox. This means the days are getting longer. So watch out for .37 extra minutes of clouds and gloom.

• Pakistan: Police hunt for 'healer' who hit nail into woman's head for baby boy
• procedure for female child: cut off head

Today I identify as  a complete set of drink coasters your parents always used, but you threw away because you don't use drink coasters and they were ugly. Now that your parents are gone, you miss the coasters.

• my workplace wants everybody to know we're getting bigger, better printer copiers.
• 95% of us work from home. 

It's human nature, I know. To keep touching the spot the dentist operated on and stitched. If you're supposed to ignore it, your tongue will spend 75% of its time there. I would rather not know, so that area is largely untouched, like the collection of Playboy magazines at Neverland. I know there's no tooth there and would prefer not to. But there are stitches and I think I feel them hanging around, in not particularly attached ways. This disturbs and horrifies me, because I'm terrified of stitches, even after donating a tooth. Don't let anybody tell you there's no difference between male and female dentists: the male dentist pulled a tooth and I barely noticed anything happened. The female seemed to be doing some sort of dance, which calling out the choreography: "To one side, to the other side, to one side, to the other side." I swear when she got it out, she sounded surprised that it came out in one piece, if not at all.

So I had to make an appointment to sit there and go over options for toothal replacement (see, I already speak the lingo). They have some ingenious ways of generating appointment fees.... I think there are three ways of dealing with it:

1. Bridges: it's where several teeth are sorta bound together, but as with all bridges, there's never a toll taker when you need one. If you have more than one bridge, one can take over from the other if one is down. To the best of my knowledge, they do not raise when ships come by.
2. Implants: these are nowhere near as fun as the alien implants. At least you don't know it happened when the aliens do the work. It's a different story when dentists get involved. They bring in all sorts of pneumatic tools, stick some of it in your mouth, install a screw in your jaw, then glue something that looks like a tooth to it. The thought of this makes every single hair on my body stand up and scream NOOOOOOOOOO. Strangely, it is also the most expensive, at about one decent guitar per tooth.
3. I can't remember. Maybe just leaving it alone, leaving you toothless.

My wife has no fear, probably because they're my teeth, but she says implant. Funny, I never said implants to her.....

In the meantime, things are....   different.... in my mouth. There's another spot waiting for a decision. The funny part is that it's in roughly the same spot on the other side, so I can't chew correctly on either side. It's like internal food ping pong with sharp food. Plus I have to manage to miss the stitched side while also missing the other side. I saw a bag of mixed Salty Things tonight. They were all pointy, so I couldn't eat them. So naturally I tried. A mini Dorito can cause as much pain and damage as chewing razorblades. Naturally the sharp end goes right into the stitches.

What do they recommend?  Soft foods.

What, baby food? Meal replacement shakes? Weight Watchers pre-delivered, pre-digested pablum? I'm living off soda, soup, and ice cream, which, I guess, could be worse. For some reason, no straws. Do you have ANY IDEA what it's like to be told I can't have my little YooHoo juice boxes? SO I got out my welding torches and accessories, and managed to open the top to drink from, so I didn't use that stupid plastic straw. Necessity is a mother, or something. I guess we all have to be proud of something... most people would be proud of not passing out in the dentist's chair, not throwing up, not complaining about needles. I'm proud I can get to the cold chocolaty YooHoo goodness without the forbidden straw. Unfortunately, more of it winds up on my shirt this way.

Flying AIDS News  

CDC turns to poop surveillance for future COVID monitoring

if the shit fits...

Covid: Australia to reopen borders to international travel

Canada trucker protest: Ottawa declares emergency

Inside the $250 million effort to convince Americans the coronavirus vaccines are safe

Covid-19 vaccines and treatments: we must have raw data, now

Pfizer CEO says two Covid vaccine doses aren't 'enough for omicron'

Moderna’s omicron booster was only as good as current vaccine in monkey study

Kansas medical board faces threats from lawmakers for probing ivermectin use

seriously now - they are not allowing investigation to see if it works. SHE'S A WITCH - BURN HER!

Beijing 2022: Winter Olympics hit by deluge of complaints from athletes 

• freezing conditions, dismal housing
• suspicion that loyalty songs to Chinese leader are not normally sung every morning at 6am at the Olympics
• spy cameras are not catching their best angles
• Chinese condom quality control sub-optimal
• Elaine Chen, American skater, about to steal Olympic business secrets and emigrate to China

I finally did it. I haven't been to Guitar Center since before the Flying AIDS hit. Today we somehow managed to get out of the house to visit. It's not that they'd have anything I wanted, but to get out and sort of a symbolic visit. They told me right off the bat there wasn't a single left handed guitar in the store. It's like the Cheese Shop sketch... there sure are a lot of guitars here. On the door was a sign that said due to CDC guidance, masks not required for vaccinated customers. That changes daily, but good for us.

There was a Cracker Barrel on the way home. I see the sign but it still seems like a foreign restaurant to me. Mrs. lefty went once and suggested I de-virginize myself. We checked the menu online... if I were to make a joke about Cracker Barrel, it might start with chicken fried chicken. But no, it's on the menu. After reading through the menu it seemed like a foreign language that used the same words we do. Country ham, sugar ham, down home ham, and everything is fried, even the boneless, skinless chicken (the healthy choice). Chicken fried steak, chicken fried ham, ham fried eggs, egg fried mashed potatoes, and Coke. As much as I could decode from the menu, they seem to speak Southern. Perhaps this is revenge for the war.... Yankees ain't got no breedin'.

Small wonder Wife wanted to go... there's a large store/gift shop in front of the dining room. And there was a bizarre selection of Stuff for sale - everything from car toys to cast iron cookware (the husband behavioral aid). There was a whole half wall of sodas I'd never seen before. The most confusing one was Red Soda. Just Red Soda. WTF is Red Soda? Am I supposed to feel stupid asking? They had Windex soda, which is anything light blue, but it had the good grace to say it was blue cream soda.

Finally pried away from the buyables, we went to get sat. They had a really cool app for the tablet that showed the tables. I thought it was really cool. Off we went. Past the first section. Looking at the second section, into the third section. The hostess looked a little confused, and disappeared into the kitchen for a bit. I looked at Wife and said "This is going to get more difficult, isn't it?" She agreed, but hostess finally returned from her cigarette/line/doobie, still a bit quizzical, and finally sat us in the very rear of the last section. So I'm wondering about the point of the cool app on her tablet. Did it actually show tables, whether they were full, and the waitress, or was it all just for show and to further confuse the staff?

Reading the menu was difficult for me. I'm fairly fluent in english, but remember, this was Southern (or something). I had to keep asking Wife what this or that meant. This was weird too, as Wife has never been south of New Jersey. The menu items were just... not what we generally eat here, generally for health reasons. They did have a rainbow trout dish, which I thought would be healthier, but they deep fried it with deep fries. I decided on meat loaf, because how can you fsck up meat loaf? That was my mistake. When I ask how you can fsck something up, restaurants take it as a challenge.

I want to be fair here; after an hour or so, when the food appeared, it was good. The Coke was good. I tasted a dumpling, which I can safely say I would live just fine without, although I was assured it was a good dumpling.  It was at this point I came up with the one dish they were missing, but would put them over the top: Bacon-Wrapped Ham.

So far the score is Liked It (1), Didn't Hate It (1). You don't know this but Didn't Hate It is actually high praise. I hate everything. They suddenly ran out of everything for dessert, so I had some nice Industrial Vanilla ice cream. On the way out, I tried as best I could to corral all the little spenders, so the non-food bill was only $57. I don't understand it, but she buys large bags and gives them as presents. You'd think they were filled with gold. The entire family is thrilled with a sturdy large bag. And they stop stealing hers. Where am I going with this? Off a cliff. 

I have an extremely vague memory of a chain called Stuckey's in the South. Dan Baird even referenced it in a song (Julie and Lucky).

Oh yeah, Guitar Center had a deck of Elvis playing cards for $20. I don't know whether this came about before or after Chapter 11.

Definitions 

fantasmare: when you give in and fly out to visit your parents. Is it a fantasy or nightmare? Both.                         - contributed by Mrs. lefty

• there I sat, grumbling that the dog had once again failed to take the trash out, when I noticed it was sunny outside. I stopped for a while to let this register. It was difficult. I sat in my office and could see the sun out of the corner of my eye. It was distracting and threw me off my work.
• my coworkers, some in other states, don't understand. Their states get more than two days per week of sun. When I tell them, they look at me like I have three heads. Come to think of it, that's pretty much the way they look at me normally.
• we keep our cameras taped over for safety reasons. Perhaps the safety of the person on the other side, in case they got a glimpse of me.

Stuff, already impossible to find, has taken a new opportunity to confuse. Whereas we had a place for everything, that changed daily, we now have a place for everything, that changes slightly, perhaps by itself, but the data isn't in on that yet.

Unable to find my hand in front of my face to start, this makes things incredibly difficult. Before, stuff used to move by entire rooms or sides of the house. Now it moves a foot or two. It might as well be the entire side of the house, because I still can't find it. Just the other day I went to get something.. I forget if it was toilet paper or head gaskets for an old eight cylinder engine. I was getting ready to shout "Hey, Honey, where are the..." when I moved my head slightly and discovered the item had moved, but only a foot or so, just out of my immediate field of vision. This is not so bad with head gaskets, but potentially catastrophic with toilet paper. Just two weeks ago, toilet paper had moved from a counter display to a floor display. Men are not equipped to deal with this sort of change, and will stand there until either they re-discover it or a spouse comes along to explain it. So now I at least have a head start on finding things. Before I yell "Where is the...." I look within a two foot radius.

Now that I've figured this out, I'll need to work on how it's happening. I know all disappearances and reappearances were the work of Wife. The slight moves could still be the work of Wife, or maybe House. Stuff just happens. Sometimes we don't even bother questioning it. Like the time the bed moved to the basement. Wife can't lift it and it's just not something I'd do. So how did it get there, and why did *I* have to put it back? I guess Bed-Moving Elves could be an answer, as well as a dog who had developed super powers. I just don't get what they get out of it. Maybe they get off on the confusion they create. Poltergeists? Leprechauns? The Cauliflower Marketing Board?

We have to sage the fsck out of this place.

• The US Navy has announced a position for carrier experts, to be paid at a very high level. The candidate will be able to keep track of F-35 aircraft and see they are secured correctly. IF they land.

The USS Bajyma 

Captain: how long has it been?

Mate: a week, Sir

Captain: and still no sight of our target?

Mate: What *is* our target, Sir?

Voiceover: 25 men, aboard the USS Bajyma. Its sacred mission; find the Port of Clitorris. Explore for the good of mankind.

Mate: Oh. I have heard this Port of Clitorris spoken of, but didn't know it was a real place.

Captain: That is what we are going to find out.

Mate: Captain - I think I see it - the Port of Clitorris! After only a few weeks' sail on the Sea of Lubriccasion.

Captain: That's why you get the Big Bucks, Matey. Tie off - we're going ashore!

Mate: I've not seen the likes of this anywhere.

Captain: Aye. (because there had to be an 'aye' in there somewhere)

Mate: What are your orders?

Captain: Explore.

Mate: Captain, we've been here for a week.

Captain: what have you found?

Mate: it's going to sound silly, Sir, but there's a formation that comes and goes, occasionally getting larger.

Captain: We must document this for our backers. Shore leave!

Mate: Captain - where to now? More exploration?

Captain: We will continue to explore the Port of Clitorris. Ever since we started, the women have been very nice to us. The longer we explore, the nicer they are.

This week in Tesla News does not feature Tesla.

Instead, Kia and Hyundai warn 485,000 SUV owners to park outside due to fire risk. The cause is an antilock brake controller module, not an exploding battery. Sorry, Elon, better luck next week.

That's not a Divot, it's a Small Aircraft

Your love is like  drinking bleach to kill the Flying AIDS

• Don’t be afraid to shoot for the stars. Even if you fall short, you could make it to the moon! Sadly, the nature of its atmosphere would kill you almost instantly. Have a nice day, anyway.     --Pat Sajak  [@patsajak]

Today I identify as  a CIS trans lesbian

In the Late to the Party department, the groundhog did its thing, as it is wont to do. As usual, it was horribly depressed, saw clouds, and thought about shooting itself to end the pain. It thought better because it might miss the important parts of its brain and render itself still alive, but a cripple.

Because the Sun Never Shines in Philadelphia.

I feel accomplished or something. I finally got a look down the shirt of a dental tech where I go. It was not my fault - she bent over. Naturally she wasn't the good looking one. But still... boobs is boobs.  This office is weird. Maybe because they're all skinny or size their uniforms correctly or, heaven forbid, don't want to show off their mammalian protuberances. I can't even see their faces because of the damn breathing arrestors (masks). You know the most beautiful eyes there don't show that she has a mustache. Judging from some of the arm hair, it's thicker than mine.

Don't call me sexist - every tech there is now complaining about their patients being ugly, like lefty. "Maybe he should keep his breathing arrestor ON."

While I'm waiting for my emergency dental appointment, I don't really care what they look like - just that they're really good at what they do. The tooth that hurt like hell now doesn't. The pain has migrated to a different tooth, as well as the palate. And a headache that feels like someone with an industrial drill took a 3/4" bit and has been drilling for hours. If huge amounts of ibuprofen didn't help, I'd be in the emergency room.

UPDATE 

The dentist spent too much time discovering I needed a lot more numbing than normal people, drilled a bit, and told me it had to come out. I sincerely hoped she was talking about the tooth. Afterwards, she patted me on the back and said that was it. I had to speak up, because apparently my tears weren't sufficient to get the point across. IT HURT. REALLY BADLY. I begged for ibuprofen. So they gave me acetaminophen. Which covered about 20% of the pain. At home, a handful of ibuprofen later, and I could at least function. And it hurt. Really badly. I may have to dip into my 497 sick days. I also have to remember that antibiotics can mess with birth control pills....

• Don't forget - it's Black History Month
• still no left handed history month..
• by the way - if you wish to celebrate Black History Month at work, I wouldn't go with anything but a button. Many were disciplined for wearing Mexican hats on Mexican History Month. No dreads. No fro. No rap getups. No lamp chains around your neck. Nothin. And please, God, no watermelon.

Flying AIDS News 

Community furore after police stop St Bernadette’s Glendalough church service to check masks

Ottawa Fears Vaccine Protest Has Morphed Into an Occupation

Omicron BA.2: What we know about the Covid sub-variant

Europe entering Covid pandemic 'ceasefire', says WHO

For T-cells, omicron is nothing unusual

A faulty immune response may be behind lingering brain trouble after COVID-19

I just went past a car with two occupants, both wearing masks.

These people are allowed to drive on the same roads as the rest of us.

• Woman applauded after giving birth on transatlantic flight
• Unfortunately a fight broke out because the baby wasn't wearing a mask 

The UK is spending 1.4 billion pounds (14 grams Canadian) on a Space Laser "to bolster our interests in space." Boy will they be sorry when they realize they have no interests in space.

Between the spy satellites, the communications satellites, the Chinese satellites which can literally devour other satellites (James Bond, anyone?) and the Space Lasers, we have created a Space Traffic Jam the likes of which no planet has ever seen. Yes, we militarized space, but then we took our poor road planning and traffic jams there too!

Once again, the aliens watching us are shaking their heads. No other planets or associations want to meet us because of what we've done to the planet. Their only interest is keeping us from getting out past the Moon, to do damage elsewhere. As if monitoring our television and seeing The Masked Furry wasn't enough. The gray aliens will continue to stick things up our butts and the black aliens will continue to date Kardashians. Other than that, it's Hands Off.

Speaking of which, Israel is developing a laser-based interceptor, to demolish more local threats, like drones. Even poor African nations are getting into the Space Weapons Race. The United Nations has a rotation of Space Traffic Reporters to let all countries know if they can proceed and using what routes. 

Welcome to UN radio. We'll get right back to our feature, Fauci Said I Had to Wear a Mask to Bed, after this traffic report from our ace reporter, Johnny 'Slowdown' Bugger. Johnny?

There is a bad Space Jam on planet route 95 due to volume. There is no alternate route, so expect your satellite to take quite a while to orbit. Route 87 has a four parsec backup due to a Chinese satellite with a flat antenna. We recommend using the bypass. Finally, Interplanet 78 has random slowdowns because Space Force is hiding behind internet satellites and giving out speeding tickets. Back to you, Bob.

• do you have the [whatever it takes] to wink at someone?
• much like dancing and sports, I just look stupid.

NSA watchdog finds 'concerns' with searches of Americans' communications

You had no say in a special court and they ignore it anyway. This is not the government you signed up for. Are you shocked yet?

Havana Syndrome may be caused by ‘directed energy’

A very short time after it was declared to be caused by things equivalent to swamp gas, all of the sudden it may be caused by 'directed' energy. Of course it's something like directed energy. It's what they've always done. To put it down to a psychological cause is disingenuous. 

International Space Station will plummet to a watery grave in 2031

• Expected to come down in the Pacific, maybe, but other countries are still in the running. NASA has an unofficial poll, with a $50 entry fee.
• NASA says to 'just ignore' those radioactive bits - it will dissipate in a few million years
• stay away from the Russian section - they were always short of toilet paper
• it's about the size of a football field, so if it misses the Pacific Ocean, you're pretty much screwed.
• the plant growing experiments got a little out of hand, so if one of them talks to you, you should probably leave it alone.
• does not come with the attached alien ship, batteries not included, do not fold, spindle, or mutilate, without the express written permission of the NFL

When someone with multiple personalities watches "Three Faces of Eve" or "Sybil," does it set up a feedback loop and change reality as we know it? 

Tesla should put together a weekly newspaper because of all their problems. Hey, wait, ThermionicEmissions is kinda their weekly newspaper. This week we feature the recall of 817,143 vehicles because the seatbelt chimes are rather more silent than they should be. If I owned a Tesla, I wouldn't take it back: I don't want to hear from my car if the seatbelts aren't in use. Seatbelts seem to be useful for getting caught in the door and not allowing it to close (plus holding your dead body in the car). These are particularly amusing, as they freak out if you have a dog in the seat. At twenty-some pounds, they can't decide if someone is sitting in the seat or not.