Mohammad Visits the DMV

 

Your love is like  extra math classes

Driverless cars could force other road users to drive more efficiently

also more carefully, because they don't want the driverless cars to hit them...

Today I identify as  25 year old classic dust

• Headbutts hurt the brain, even for a musk ox
• Who could have seen this coming? 
• NFL chooses to ignore, lawyers celebrate

New Zoom Flaws Could Let Attackers Hack Victims Just by Sending them a Message

Stop using Zoom - it's a piece of donkey dung. There are many alternatives, some secure. Try Wire.

Flying AIDS News 

Kids 5 to 11 get FDA OK for COVID-19 booster doses

Top Biden health officials sound warning on rising coronavirus infections

What the public wants in COVID news vs. what the press provides

Pfizer warns of “constant waves” of Covid as complacency grows

Pfizer says 3-dose COVID vaccine for under 5s produces strong immune response

trials begin in-the-womb 

Monkeypox cases investigated in Europe, US, Canada and Australia

Somebody wake Fauci - we need another PANIC!!!

Sixth child in US dies of unexplained hepatitis as global cases top 600

Don't worry - Pfizer's already on it 

The Biden administration announced it is sending $24 billion to Ukraine this week and more next week. When asked how it's going to pay for that, Biden brought up his new Bathroom Tax. Whenever you go to the bathroom, you pay a tax on it. To be fair to lower wage earners, the tax will be a flat fee of $5. So if you go four times a day, just mail $20 to Good Ole Joe, c/o White House, DC.

Little Feat's Waiting for Columbus, their 1978 live album, is being released, with a whole bunch of new shows added. With or without the extra material and tweaking, Waiting for Columbus is a great live album. The latest version of Little Feat is missing 3 (dead) numbers and I'm not too sure I want to listen to this version. But buy the album - if you aren't up and playing invisible percussion, you are probably deceased.

I notice it almost daily: all emails must be on one topic only. If you send an email like this:

1. I need your hours

2. I'm going to touch your wife inappropriately

Response:  40

People don't read or can't deal with more than one thing at a time. 

1. hey - nice shirt today!

2. the boss wants to see you before you leave. He's pissed.

Response: Thanks! I got it a long time ago.

Try it.

The Continuing Saga of Mowing 

It never stops. 

The rain.

And because the rain never stops, the grass weeds continue to grow.

And because the weeds continue to grow, I have to mow them.

And I have PTSD because a lawn mower did something to me when I was little. Or something. I hate mowing. And grass.

We have an electric mower that has done a great job for years. And now the battery is not taking a charge. No problem, go to the manufacturer's site and find it. Oops. Can't find.

Look elsewhere. Can't find. Because when you search for a battery, all you get is battery chargers. Even using the part number.

Back to the manufacturer and there it is: only $85. Out of stock and discontinued.

So to pile on the aggravation, we need a new mower. The similar ones start at $300 and ramp up rapidly. I paid less for cars than some of these mowers. It just has to cut the grass.. I'm not looking for Bluetooth, baggers, body-shredders, or DNA cleaning. The idea of self-mowers is good, but it would just try to mow then commit suicide (like the dehumidifiers).

When we visited Arizona, many of the 'lawns' were dirt and rocks. I fell in love. I wanted to concrete the rear, but was officially told no. Something about being harder to find the bodies, but I stopped listening after No. If you watch the grass and concentrate, you can see it fscking grow. The dead mower is sitting there and you can watch the grass growing past it and trying to eat the mower. The dog has to be watched because sometimes she disappears in the weeds.

Looking at goog maps and driving around the block, I notice there are a lot of houses. Therefore, a lot of homeowners. How do these people do it? Our house-buying experience was like falling down a recently-sharpened set of metal steps. Each one a deep wound and another problem. Our home ownership experience has been like the buying experience, with a couple more floors of steps added, just for fun. It would have been nice if one of the many homeowners on the planet would have told us something. Anything. Just a little tip. Stuff about mowing. Interest rates. Teaching the dog not to bark at the neighbors. Something.

My guitar fund is actually in negative numbers.

RIP Alan White, who played the drums on John Lennon's Imagine, as well as being a member of Yes, since 1972.

• If you want a fast, accurate market reading, ask a stripper
• it makes sense - read the article 

I don't know if it was a state thing or a federal thing or just plain old weather modification, but we only have two seasons; winter and summer.  We just went from the 50s to the 90s. Summer is upon us. It seems to be really late this year, like falling gas prices. $70 to fill the car. Given the choice, I'd take summer. I could deal with never wearing a coat.

We went out of state to a Mem

orial Day hamfest. As you no doubt remember, a hamfest is a flea market for radios, electronics, and Various Other Stuff<tm>.  We thought it would be mobbed, because people are springing forth from their state-mandated Flying AIDS lockdowns, but alas, it wasn't so great. The amount of crap being sold is always mesmerizing, as well as the sheer variety. Anything from ancient parts removed from ancient tube equipment to DVDs. Mrs. lefty loves DVDs like I love sleeping late. Really bad old movies. Really bad black and white old movies from before anyone was born. There was computer equipment too, but I gave up when the computer's sticker said WINDOWS XP (although linux would run fine).  It was more for the experience than the purchasing, although I've made some great purchases. We made our customary stop at Waffle House. You need to stop laughing when I say that. We don't have Waffle House anywhere near us. Their waffles are just like....  waffles. I think we go for the show. Which is definitely preferable to going for the coffee, which may be made using old, used  ashtrays. The internal children love it to death. I just want to warn you... if you have PTSD, you really shouldn't go in there. The screaming, plate smashing, and cooking noises are really too much and could trigger an episode in the most well-appearing veteran. It sent me right back to Nam, in a sweetened cereal paddy....

SO hamfest has no porcine relevance. Radio amateurs are 'hams'.

This is not to be confused with CBs, which are operated by loud inbreds, who feel the need to add echo to their radios. I don't want to paint with too broad a brush.. I'm only referring to 95% of them.

• According to Gene Simmons, Kiss are retiring out of pride and self-respect.
• Sorry Gene, that ship sailed over 20 years ago...

It was dark and the rain had been falling all day. Few were gathered at graveside to support the widow. After everyone got done lobbing stuff into the grave, they proceeded to the party. The main question on everybody's mind was what happened? 

Since it's not polite to ask this sort of thing of the widow, Mrs. lefty, people lined up to ask.

She looked at the small assemblage and said, "He walked into his office Monday, and everything just worked. He had a heart attack and died."

Lately it's been printers, although it's not limited to them. Since we only print once a month or less, issues aren't common. One would think you plug the printer's USB into the laptop and hit PRINT. But you silly mortals don't understand the finer points of operating computers, networks, and printers.

1. Turn on the printer: this is where it can all go wrong immediately.
2. Plug in the printer cable: it's hard for even my coworkers to mess this up
3. Hit PRINT
4. Wait for an error. There's always an error.

In order to keep printer prices low, manufacturers build in the Intermittent Invisible Fault option. When this activates, you can plug it in, reboot the pc, reboot the printer, and hang upside down from the ceiling, but it's not going to work. If you're a Level 11 Masochist, you may call Support, which cannot even begin to diagnose the problem because it's intermittent and won't act up for them.

If you've plugged in more than 3 printers, you tell the computer to print a test page. This will fail miserably. This morning the error was "Out of Paper."  Folks, even our president could tell there was paper in the printer, but I tried to look perfesshionel and reseated the paper. I even added more paper to confuse things. Of course the printer won: it had PRE-confused things.

Then you bring up the printer queue. This tells you what the printer has to print, if it hasn't already. So I printed a test page, watched it zip through the queue and completely failed to print. So as far as the computer was concerned, the printer printed. This means the printer is stupid. But how can the printer be stupid if it deliberately fails to print? The only one upset here is me.

It is at this point that you need to go back to #2: Plug in the printer cable. I can't tell you how many times this has saved me hours of work.

It's not like there's any particular brand of printer I have problems with, although I prefer HP because they play well with linux. Perhaps the printer is female and throws up errors because I don't pay enough attention to it. I don't care: there's a female wife and a female dog in the house... I don't need any additional agita.

The printer itself is located out of the way, so it doesn't produce more clutter, making it very difficult to launch across the room or the house. Perhaps I can get the dog to bark at it.

The only sensible action is to state "I ask too much" and go on to something else. Cuz you know the thing will start spitting out pages at 4 tomorrow morning.

The only acceptable for ThermionicEmissions Depp news: Johnny flew across the pond and appeared onstage with the one and only Jeff Beck, Thermionic's favorite guitar player and one of the world's best. But let's face it - Depp is not in Mr. Beck's league and doesn't really belong onstage with him. It's nice to have friends.

Hunting the Wild Anvil

Your love is like   used Twinkies

How to delete your Faceyspaces account

Today I identify as  a fairy prince

So I'm not sure how, but we got out of the house last weekend. It's a pretty cool area, with two actual guitar stores. One actual guitar store had hundred of guitars, but they were all backwards (no lefties). The other actual store did a fine job, with about seven lefties. It was moot, as I didn't like any of them. I'm pickier than a woman with 27 channels of NFL football.

The thing that knocked me out was the customer service, in almost every store. Truly pleasant and helpful. One of the guitar store guys went way beyond and did some digging to find some answers for me. The makeup store girls got upset because we were obviously interrupting their gathering by the register. I didn't take it personally; I'm sure it was a very important, secret business meeting to discuss stuff customers shouldn't be privy to. 

I was also happy to notice that there weren't a lot of closed stores. And there was a Cinnabon, which is kind of a place of worship for us. Get yourself a mochalotta chill to drink - bon optional.

Because we had our first 80 degree day earlier in the week, it was 96. Could be worse. Could be tomorrow, where the forecast is 92 and rain. This means it will probably snow.

One cannot take a trip out without the Major Fun of people watching. I haven't been out in a while, so I almost forgot about it. To show you how long it's been, I even fell for Wife's "I'll just pop into this store for a few minutes." Wife Math is very different from actual math, where 45 somehow equals 5. I would have been happy to go in, but there was a NO DRINKS sign, so I got to stand out front with a drink. People were coming by and using me as a seat. I wouldn't mind, but they kept leaving their trash in my lap. I always wanted to go into a store with a NO DRINKS sign and wait for a helpful employee to stop me and tell me NO DRINKS. I'd remove the plastic cap from the drink and spill it on the floor. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." Instead I stood. And stood. And watched people. Because it was 96, one guy was wearing shorts and a wool hat. He didn't have to worry about heat, obviously because he was so cool. The second guy with a wool hat had EARS on it. I'll just never be cool enough to pull this off.

We saw men in sandals and socks. This used to mean I'm a foreigner, but now it's apparently an acceptable uniform. We saw men in skirts. I'm not poking fun - I like a nice skirt (provided she's wearing it when I'm getting into it). 

In Victoria's, I pointed out some cute panties to Wife. She politely suggested I wear them before she would. Ok, but there are none in my size. She's a lot easier to fit. I was informed that certain underwear feels like dental floss between your cheeks. She doesn't seem to understand that it doesn't matter what it feels like... it matters what it looks like (to me). This became moot because there were only 97 people at both of the open registers. Don't repeat this, but I know Victoria's Secret: how they get so many to pay so much for so little.

Since I need glasses, Wife suggested I look at Warby Parker, online. I did, and discovered that there were 100 pairs that were all the same, but different colors. Lo and behold, we found a Warby Parker actual store. You won't believe this, but we went in and there were over 100 pairs, that were all the same, except for color. Who would have guessed? 

There was a smoothie store, which looked good, given the temperature. I spent 5 minutes looking at the extensive menu, getting frustrated. There was no fat frozen yogurt, acai, grass, other green stuff, and things I couldn't pronounce. I got rid of my frustration by trying to get the lady to make me something I'd like.

I'd like a strawberry smoothie, please.

Yes, that comes with no-fat frozen yogurt bananas, and apple juice.

I'd like a strawberry smoothie, please.

That comes with no-fat frozen yogurt bananas, and apple juice.

Can I have just strawberries?

You want a strawberry smoothie with just strawberries?

You nailed it! Thank you.

But how would that work?

Well, you'd put only strawberries in it.

Who would want to have a strawberry smoothie without no-fat frozen yogurt and some weird grass we pulled outside?

*I* would. I'm not asking for your extensive knowledge of stuff you put in drinks. I just want something *I* can drink.

[thinking.........] I don't think we can do that.

How about you try this: put strawberries, ice, and some strawberry juice in the blender?

BLEH!

You don't have to like it - you just have to make it.

No, I'm sorry, we just can't make that.

Why not? This isn't California.

How about the strawberries, ice, and apple juice?

I'm allergic to apples.

Ok, strawberries, ice, and no-fat frozen yogurt.

Got any vanilla ice cream? Vanilla hi-fat frozen yogurt?

[shrieks] Why would we carry that?

Candy bars? Stockings? Cheese?

Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave the store. You're just too weird to eat here.

But the real surprise was learning that the universe was listening to me: TUBE TOPS are back! 

• I haven't spent much time on the Depp trial for obvious reasons, but today's tidbit is that Kate Moss will be testifying. It is of no consequence whatsoever, other than I think she's cute.

Just so the prior outing didn't feel so alone, I made the mistake of trying for another smoothie. They had 16 varieties, which I knew could mean only one thing: I wouldn't like any of them. I shouldn't be so picky... they had coconut, dirty motor oil, and peanut butter. So I asked for a plain strawberry and the guy said no problem. But yes problem. It tasted like half a strawberry. I asked if there was some way he could make it sweeter. He said NO SUGAR but offered Splenda. No thank you, I prefer to get my cancer other ways. I asked if there were some juice that would help. He kept jumping up and down to assure me there was no juice in the smoothie. I realized there was a language barrier; he was speaking accented English and I must have been speaking Swahili again. Sometimes I slip into it without realizing. I keep asking Wife to tell me when my language changes, but she's so used to it, she forgets. But goddammit, she loved her smoothie, and that's all that mattered. It's a mixed bag being my wife: yes, I treat her like a queen, but on the other hand, she has to be married to me.

Dolphins Recognize Friends by Tasting Their Piss, Scientists Find in Wild Experiment

This could go horribly wrong if applied to humans, no? 

 

Hey, is that you, Johnny?

Yeah.

Could you piss a bit, so I can be sure?

Hey, Bob, squirt some my way! 

Sometimes a piss is just a piss, guys

Things are weird round the old hood....  we had our favorite neighbor pass from the Flying AIDS. The house is for sale. Now the Crazy Lady, on the other side of our place, has gone to a facility. I think she'll still outlive us, but I guess you get more fragile after the age of 480. As they put her into the ambulance, I heard, "..and your little dog too." So now there are two houses for sale next to us. Is it too much to ask for a hottie that plays guitar? Or is really impressed by guitar players? Someone who can babysit when Mrs. lefty goes out of town for a few days? A new friend for the dog? Vanessa Hudgens, looking for a place she can get away? Linda Fiorentino, doing research for her new movie? I figure the chances are much better because there are two houses for sale. Maybe not... I don't want that kind of temptation. Mrs. lefty would get suspicious because I'd leave the couch and the house.

Along these lines, there's a trashcan in front of the Crazy Lady's house. If she's not there, whose trash is it and who put the can out? I ask the tough questions.

• the dog doesn't like noise, like cycles and loud cars. Neither do I.
• she's currently barking at a plane. Like everyone else here, she needs therapy.

Where's the ketchup?

Hmmmm...... I thought I saw it by the shelves.

Nope.

Crap.

Crap indeed. I like it on my burgers.

Use barbecue sauce.

Yes, I understand, but I like ketchup on my burgers.

Well, I'll have to look for it later.

        ------------------------

     [a few days later]

I found the ketchup.

Great - where was it.

Outside, on the grass, under the window.

Dammit, why didn't *I* think to look there?

I'm making fish tonight.

Oh, there's none in the freezer. You should look under the tree in the back yard.

• $5.19 for gas today

Word Updates 

• still no progress on Game Changer 
• Easy Peasy easing off nicely
• We're all sorry, but Supply Chain Issues will be here for a while
• there is still no specific slur for Malaysians

Run to the store - any store - and get Ghirardelli white chocolate caramel squares.

• Ok, kids, this may or may not be relevant, but New York City just removed its last payphone from service. Some would argue they were never in service. That aside, it's kinda sad. Now Superman will have nowhere to change.

The city just made part of my street a bicycle lane.

I'm ok with it - it makes it easier to hit them, because you'll always know where they are.

• 'Democratic' jackdaws use noise to make decisions
• out of 30 decisions, they come to one very bad one

#Libertarian

Fine Dining with the Emotional Support Elephant

 

Your love is like  cooties

• It's been years and I still don't understand chicken fried steak

Today I identify as  the vertically-oriented Camaro in my living room

There are certain writing cliches that are ripe for skewering

Guy comes home, opens the door, and sees his wife engaged in a gangbang.

"It's not what you think," she cries.

You mean I'm not seeing you with 11 guys, a donkey, 2 people of diminished height, a giraffe, and 37 cans of Hormel Chili?

"Ok, it is what you think, but still. Can't you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

This has been going on for SIX YEARS!

"No, it was only just this once"

I have pictures and dates.

"Ok, it has been going on for six years, but I know we can get past this." 

Little Jimmy isn't even my son!

"Sure he is. Look at that face."

I got a vasectomy 7 years ago.

"Sometimes vasectomies fail."

I have a DNA test, proving to a 99.9997% that I'm not the father. 

 "Maybe I slipped, but can we just get some marital counseling and go back to the way it was?"

You gave me gonorrhea.

"Maybe you got it from a toilet seat." 

I'm divorcing you, whore.

"But I don't want a divorce." 

I hate the sight of you.

But I love you. This meant nothing; it was just sex.

I hope you and the chili will be very happy together. 

 

• American Airlines decided to put its data into THE CLOUD.
• Oh well, at least the planes are safe in the clouds.

Voyager 1 space probe producing ‘anomalous telemetry data’

One would think that because NASA was reporting this, there was nothing unexpected happening.  I'll give you a sample of the data and you can make up your own mind:

TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY

XXXXXXXXdr7s4lgjXXXXXXXXX

All Systems Yellow

Gas prices at world high

tjioleWSF$*#%^)))@$R^&&55

1234567555*#^R$

Did you know you are eligible for Medicare that pays 100% of your claims and you get some money BACK?

#$%^&*())(*&^%

Thrusters OK

Gibberish

Did you trip on somebody else's property? SUE! Think of the money! We don't get paid til you do.

EEEEEE#F($3385

Aluminum foil hat in place

HI GUYS! We grabbed control of this cute little buggy to tell you we've been watching you.

TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY

XXXXXXXXdr7s4lgjXXXXXXXXX

The white zone is for loading and unloading

FNEEjmtt$%^*&(

Solar batteries failing. Never buy them from Tesla.

5768BLORP-BEEP-TOOKIE TOOKIE

We studied your planet, your culture, and everything else we could.

TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY    TELEMETRY

XXXXXXXXdr7s4lgjXXXXXXXXX

Landing tires flat - call AAA

NNNNNNNNNNumber9999999999

My hovercraft is full of eels

Y#*denf*#$ddW

Deep Throat?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We're sorry to tell you that your entertainment television systems are enough to scare the BNONG off DEQQUES. While we like the recreational and functional aspects of fscking, we cannot invite you to join the League of Super Planets for Peace. You're a sick society, and we can't have you infecting other planets and profaning them with your presence. Any manned attempt to leave the planet will be stopped. This includes going to your own moon, which you haven't even visited for over 50 years. There's gratitude for you.

You are invited to try again in another 100 years, if there's anything left of the planet and its (alleged) civilization.

Rock On!

• Microsoft-backed robovans to deliver grub in London
• Oh great. Now Londoners will have to reboot the vans....

Taylor Swift graduation speech: Embrace 'cringe'
The singer addressed a stadium full of graduates after New York University bestowed her with an honorary degree.

Embrace cringe is code for buy my albums: plenty of cringe there 

Bush condemns Putin's invasion of 'Iraq' instead of Ukraine

Didja ever notice the procession of presidential putzes is only getting thicker? Is Dubya jealous of Biden, or is his mind just fixed on his entire reason for presidency?

Over in Afghanistan, thriving after the US left, the Taleban decreed female tv presenters must cover their faces. In a further press release, it was written that female presenters must cover their mouth too, so all women will be duct-taped prior to airtime. 

Come to think of it, it would make the news a lot more truthful....

The new iDevice update has something called Door Detection.

This is almost miraculous, especially for those of us prone to running into doors.

Germany beer bottle shortage: Industry warns of 'tense' situation

Uh-oh. The religious have been talking about the end of the world approaching. This is just the sort of event that could start it off....

For whatever reason, men's and women's soccer teams were not getting paid or prized equally, so naturally there was a lawsuit. The result was everybody would be paid equally. Hurrah hurrah!

Ownership of soccer is private. They can pay everybody what they want. This holds double if one team pulls in more revenue than the other. Let's say you have a room full of commissioned shoe salespersons (oof). If you pay them equally, there's no incentive to sell more. If the female salespersons consistently sell more shoes, what would be the point in paying the male salespersons the same amount?

IF the soccer league were state-owned, they'd have to pay equally, and the suit would have merit.

In related news, a California law requiring women on corporate boards is unconstitutional.

Cats Actually Know Each Other's Names, Study Suggests

Study also suggests test results get funnier the more crack is consumed before starting the tests. 

This may be true, though. Cats wouldn't give us the satisfaction of telling us.

Our cousins in England face the prospect of a law that would provide instant fines for wolf-whistling. While England has no 1st Amendment guaranteeing free speech, they (used to) enjoy similar freedoms. Things are rapidly heading to the sewer, with laws against all types of speech. Fortunately the law is receiving pushback. C'mon Cuz, stick up for yourselves! 

Better Late Than Never?

The Department of Justice will no longer prosecute good-faith hackers.

--> No, really. They went after people looking for security vulnerabilities or hackers hired by companies to test their security. Dumbkopfs.

Canada, leaping into inaction, says no more Huawei and ZTE phones on 5g networks due to security concerns

--> meh... no problem being years behind. Even Trump did this earlier.

A National Guard office was allowed to retire after motorboating a subordinate.

--> the brave people defending this country face many obstacles, as do the brave officers training them. Very few people understand the pressure on officers. This particular officer let the pressure get to him. At no point should this kind of thing happen. You're supposed to motorboat them in private. Small wonder he retired.

 

 

Meta tells employees to stop discussing abortion at work
Employees say the stance runs counter to Meta policies on discussing Black Lives Matter and trans rights

Not that the government should get involved, because this is a private company, but note the hypocrisy. This could be fixed by discussing how BLM's founder took the money and bought a bunch of houses for herself. That should pretty much take BLM off the menu. 

*at least no one said to stop having abortions at work....

• Oklahoma passes bill banning most abortions after conception
• Da bahble sez.... dis needs to be sahned by thuh governator
• Even worse, a Trump-lauded candidate wants to make birth control illegal. These people are sick and bent on total governmental control.

Now that Elon Musk is busy with Twitter, other automakers are using the time to get their vehicles into the spotlight. Take Hyundai/Kia, which just announced a recall of 20,000 electric vehicles because a voltage fluctuation could cause the brakes to unbrake while the car is parked. I say this is not a bug, it's a feature. Just park the car next to the neighbor you hate and wait....

Chinese ‘Space Pirates’ are hacking Russian aerospace firms

Chinese Space Pirates... the newest Z-Class movie from Hollywood. To be followed by Chinese Space Pirates II, Chinese Space Pirates: Pirating Again in an Hour, and Chinese Space Pirates: Please See This Schlock.

What would the uniforms look like?

Would the ships be run by 'pirated' copies of Windows 10?

Would their Super Very Good Ray Guns have bayonets at the ends?

Stay tuned.... 

Today's version of "I was minding my own business" is brought to you by:

Yoo Hoo. A drink best served very cold, even in juice boxes. Several.

So I was minding my own business, doing a very important Something or Other, when I discovered I was hot. Not 'good-looking' hot; temperature hot. Nobody refers to me as good-looking except Wife, but she has paperwork (and poor taste in men). I discovered I was hot because very little happens to me in real time. I have to sit there for a while before something registers, then it starts to bubble up through my subconscious, unlike Cher going after the role of a 25 year old. It's worse with feelings... it takes me even longer to realize I'm feeling anxious or depressed or happy. Fortunately I don't have to worry about the happy part, as it only occur every five years, like when California puts through a law that makes sense.

Feeling way too warm, I made a snap executive decision: the fan would be activated. Fan operation is made way more difficult, like most things, by the absence of its remote control. Anything with a remote will become inoperable because the remote goes to the place that's worse than where the single sock goes to. You can actually observe this phenomenon in action.... just take a new, out-of-the-box remote control for anything, and put it on the table. Within seconds, it will disappear, provided the batteries were installed. Nothing happens until you install batteries, which sometimes requires its own manual. In the 'old days' (2 years ago), those round batteries were on computer motherboards and helped them remember the date. Now they're in everything, causing them to cost $97 per battery, unless you purchase the handy dandy multiple battery pack, at the bargain price of $251 for 2. Then you have to pay close attention to the really hastily scribbled instructions or the tiny little diagram on the item itself, letting you know where to put the positive terminal of the battery. It's an awful shame nothing tells you which SIDE is the positive terminal. Oh well, you have a %50 chance of getting it right. You DID make a note of it when you removed the old one, didn't you? I miss 9v batteries.. all the guitar effects used them, as well as radios. And you can't even find a vibrator that uses D batteries anymore. Or those humongo 6v batteries that were half the size of a car battery, that Radio Shack (sniff) used to sell. Sell is a misnomer: keep around forever is more accurate.

Because the fan remote went into my hands before it hit the table, I got to use it last season. It was glorious, especially from across the room. Unfortunately, somebody 'put it away' on the table, and you can guess what happened. Some of you will say, "Goddamit, why don't you get up off your fat, lazy, puerile bum and push the power button yourself?" and you'd have a point, except I did it so many times that the actual button is worn off, so it will only operate with the remote. Plus there are other functions: since I'm across the room and the fan oscillates, I need to start it and stop the oscillation at the point where it blows on me. It's like a carnival booth, but I have less chance of winning. Pretty soon there will be a remote to control your entire dumb house, including fans, vibrators, and blenders.

Allllll the way across the room I go, for that Fan Goodness, when I come across Obstacle #2: dresses on the fan. You have dresses on your fan too, right? It's not like I'm not totally used to The Bizarre, but this threw me a bit. I had to find a place for said dresses; one that wouldn't make them disappear, especially because I wasn't going to operate the dresses (I barely look good in jeans).  Finally I was ready for Fan Goodness. I manually turned the fan on, sat down, and discovered it was pointed the wrong way. I fear I will require one of those surveyor tools, a night scope, and an LED rangefinder to point the fan in the right direction. Otherwise I have to wait for an adult to stand there, moving it slightly, then asking, "Is it ok now?" repeatedly.  Can you hear me now? How about now?

Coffee - Now with the Pleasant Aroma of Fish

 

Your love is like  buttered leg hair

Given the choice of whether to have my cake or eat it too, I'll take eating it, please.

Today I identify as  a muggle

You Don't Have to Let Faceyspaces Track You Across the Web

Some top 100,000 websites collect everything you type—before you hit submit

Because you haven't had your cup of good news yet today...

Your data's auctioned off up to 987 times a day, NGO reports

This unsettling Army recruitment video is a master class in psychological warfare

Just look at lefty - he's doing that conspiracy theory stuff again. This is one of the things he talked about. Hmmm... maybe he has something. The army producing propaganda or psych warfare videos. Obama made this legal, although it was certainly going on before him.

We're on a home improvement binge lately. 

When I say we're on a home improvement binge, I mean we're still desperately searching for someone to mow the lawn.

But it gets better... we're also looking to clean the house. If you live near me, that would explain the line of construction, industrial cleaning equipment and trucks stretching down the block.

Growing up, each family member had their thing, with regards to cleaning.

• Mom was just one generation off from scrubbing the bathroom tile with a toothbrush. Everything was always presentable. A pair of shoes on the steps for more than two hours would change the basic atmosphere of the house.
• The brother was messy but not nuclear sewage messy. But his room had the propensity to behave like a giant black hole, sucking in everything around it. If you were missing something, it was probably under his bed. There was also a large variety of rolling papers and men's magazines. To this day, nobody asks.
• Then there was me. Suffice it to say that everything I touched turned to clutter, and no amount of cleaning would make it look any less than post-tornado. Sometimes after I cleaned, it looked worse. This led to all sorts of interesting conversations with Mom. At least I had the sense to hide my hamster pr0n. I was also in charge of the basement, which came to be known as lefty's Basement to those outside the house. It became a universal joke: Hey - that place is a mess. It looks like lefty's basement.

Fast forward to living on my own. I paid the bills, so only I could yell at me for the clutter.  My brother, who lived with me for a bit, suddenly changed places with me. Suffice it to say he kept his bedroom door unlocked, because everyone was terrified of what they might encounter upon entering. 

Bro left and I inherited all the Bad Genes<tm>. Then I met someone who could only remember things that were right there in her sight, so everything had to be within her sight. She developed a shoe collection that threatened to take over the house, as well as build a space elevator. It turned out some of them were good for the terrain on the Moon.

Bob's Cleanomatic was the first cleaner we spoke to. Bob himself came by to give us an idea of what was involved and an estimate. We left while Bob was performing Estimating Activities and came back to a street full of police cars and an ambulance. Bob had hung himself. Before the estimate. Possibly because of the esitmate. Those who knew him stated that he had no suicidal thoughts and was never depressed. 

We called Naughty Maids (at my insistence). 'Bridgette' stopped by to look at things. She showed up in her French maid outfit, looked around, and said her girls could wear the French maid outfits, but they would be covered up by Level 3 Contaminant HAZMAT suits. Thwarted yet again, we continued looking.

How could the cluttered become the radioactive?

The final candidate was weird. Yes, you're asking yourself how could a cleaning service be more weird than the job they were taking? We pride ourselves on our weirdness, most of which was not intentional. Stuff just rearranges itself on no particular schedule. Historical Cleaning Services is a business where the cleaners show up in historical costumes. You could have Joan of Arc running the vacuum and Ben Franklin doing the bedrooms. I liked the idea of Ben being involved because I had a few things I needed to talk to him about. Only later did I discover it wasn't the real Ben Franklin. This resulted in years of intensive therapy. I couldn't trust anyone for a large period of my life. Historical cleaning would not have worked out. The neighbors complained about the ambulances clogging the street. It turns out the historical figures were all engaged in self-harm. Instead of cleaning, there were blood stains. We received a small settlement.

Months later we came to the sad realization that cleaning services weren't going to be do-able and there were too many permits involved. It looked like we'd have to [shudder] clean our own house. 

• Our Diversity Officer at work has still not recognized the left handed. This is pure discrimination, of the worst variety. I guess we won't get our due until we fill out the paperwork to become a race.

There was no flavored coffee creamer at the store. 

This is passing the point of ridiculous. A man's coffee is the most important thing in the morning (unless he gets morning oral sex). If he is forced to use [ACK!] powdered creamer, the day isn't likely to get off to the same kind of start. Powdered creamer can, however, be tolerated if it is preceded by the aforementioned oro-genital recreation. Let's all get the coffee and condiments together so we don't have to face this kind of dilemma. To the great teleworking force, this is more important than gas prices.

Speaking of gas prices, when they went to about $3.99 here, this was about the time people started freaking out and even contacting their congresspersons. Congresspersons don't have any control over gas prices, but they felt they had to do something, especially in light of the just-released profit statements from the oil companies. The prices miraculously fell, and the people celebrated. Then, when the people turned around to tell little Johnny so SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP in your carseat, the prices went back up, higher than before.

Think...

Stuff happens. Life goes on. You're left with a huge hole because someone moved, disconnected, or took leave of the planet. Do you want to talk to this person? What would you say to them? What do you say to someone who died? Would it make a difference? We here at ThermionicEmissions think the concept of closure is complete excrement. 

When I found out our aged neighbor died in the hospital from the Flying AIDS, my first thought was that we didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. Then I thought about what we would have said... See ya next time? I hope you find your beliefs were spot on? The dog misses you?

Hi, Dad, sorry to drag you away from whatever it is you were doing, but... ummm...

Friend.. we were so close. Never mind that we drifted away... can we reconnect?

I'm awful sorry I told you that you looked like a dump truck in that dress.

• Cars in driver-assist mode hit a third of cyclists, all oncoming cars in tests
• that's a pretty good start! Do not let it be said that America doesn't have the brains and can-do attitude. 
• Told you so. The technology is Not Ready for Prime Time, yet it has been released and is all over some cities, coming soon to highways via trucks.

Like other primaries, the Philly gubernatorial primary went off the other night.

First place by a slim margin was Dr. Oz, by a nose hair, as endorsed by Trump. It's only fitting a tv show host endorse another tv show host. At least Trump was entertaining; not so much Oz. Oz may not live in Pennsylvania, but that never stopped anybody from running for anything.

On the democrat side, they continued their 'he's breathing, right?' style of nomination, when Lieutenant Governor John Fetterman won, two days after announcing he had suffered a stroke. President Biden is presiding over the efforts to change the democratic slogan to "We might be impaired, but..... at least we're impaired."

After the hard slogan work was done, Biden demanded a lollipop.

• Post Malone we listened to music

Our polling place changed.

I didn't want to think there was a conspiracy, but when we went to our polling place that had been there for more years than several of our dogs, it was no longer there. I believe this is a desperate tactic on the part of one party or the other, to keep us home and not voting. 

And I find myself deluged with republican spam. This is different from the more frequent democratic spam. At least the republicans only send a few, and they don't send them to a wrong name.  Regardless, when anyone asks if they can count on me to vote with them, I tell them the moment they vote libertarian, then block the number. It's the only thing I can do that makes me feel like I got a tiny amount of revenge. Don't forget: when politicians created anti-spam laws, they exempted themselves.

When people start a hobby or job, they 'cut their teeth' on their first few opportunities. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna cut my teeth on anything. My dentist bills could buy me a McMansion, whatever that is.

Today at the Talledega 500, 495 mechanics quit, citing electric cars. Apparently the mechanics no longer smell like gasoline, and as a result, don't get the chicks anymore. News at 11.

Anybody in the IT field knows the latest industry buzzword: AI - artificial intelligence. It's what ate humanity in the Terminator series, when it became self-aware and decided the humans must go. Some argue this was a very sensible decision. So AI will definitely be reaching out to consumers in many forms, none self-aware (hopefully). I don't know about you, but I can think of a few ways this could actually be helpful to me....

• standing there, nodding its head when [SPOUSE] speaks
• deleting not only spam, but stuff that bugs you (like everything at work)
• reminding you where you left your car keys. and phone. and condoms.
• sending [SPOUSE] flowers and gifts from you on unimportant days like anniversary and birthday
• taking [SPOUSE] shopping when The Big Game is on
• taking the dog out for a trot or to perform excretial activities
• speaking of the dog, she came in last night and bought Wife a present: a dead baby bird. A belated mother's day present, no doubt.

Buffalo shooting: Parents of injured victim demand political action

Welcome to another edition of Reality Court. On today's show, we take a look at demands post-mass shooting. These events are horrible, and affect many. Let's address the demand: WHAT. WILL. HELP?  The answer is, of course, nothing. You cannot legislate this away, any more than Johnny Depp can marry an ugly chick and get a job as a barista.

What might happen is that politicians will feel the volume and need to be seen to do something, impotent as it would be. They will pass a new law forbidding mass shootings - will that satisfy the demands?

Pentagon opens up about its database of 400 smudges that may or may not be UFOs
'We're open to all hypotheses, we're open to any conclusions' says official

(provided they don't contain the word 'alien') 

Smudges... heh heh...

Don't forget swamp gas, ducks in formation, oil rigs, lenticular clouds, particular clouds, mass hallucination, and whatever else they could dig up that day.   No, seriously, smudges? There are over 400 pictures with smudges? That's a lot of smudges. If there are that many smudges, how many non-smudged pictures exist?

It's safe to say that if the government is talking about any part of UFO disclosure, they're lying or it's part of a PSYOP. Their track record since at least the 1940s speaks for itself.

Congress' $770bn National Defense Authorization Act for fiscal 2022 calls for the creation of a permanent federal office within the Department of Defense to investigate and report on UAPs.

Yes, more useless bloat in a government that seems to grow weekly. All UFO information is held somewhere at present. If really interested in disclosure, they could just release that information. This department is at least redundant, and at most a complete diversion.

 

 

Don't Count Your Chickens Before the Barn Door Closes

 

Your love is like  standing in just-poured road tar for a bit

• Couple in India sue son for not giving them a grandchild
• might be a good idea to stay out of India. For so many reasons. 

Today I identify as  a homicidal black Asian Jew whose weapon is a lawnmower

NSA Says ‘No Backdoor’ for Spies in New US Encryption Scheme

Would we lie to you? No, really, we're telling the truth. Even WE can't break it. Please believe us. Things will be different this time. 

• MindMed Collaborators Announce Positive Topline Data from Phase 2 Trial Evaluating LSD in Anxiety Disorders
• That should be interesting, especially when they drive cars. [Chong voice] Hey - why don't they keep those purple dragons off the road, man?
• How is your anxiety going to be treated when you see the house trying to eat you?
• Above all - don't eat the brown acid

Your Government at Work  

E.U. Proposes New Rules for Tech Companies to Combat Online Child Sexual Abuse

• it's for the children 
• no politician will be seen voting against a child abuse bill, no matter how invasive or wrong it is
• courts have ruled you have no expectation of privacy in public - now you have no expectation of privacy in encrypted messaging, definitely including WhatsApp, Messenger, and Instagram. And all others.
•  this is how the Patriot Act and many other laws were put into effect

F.B.I. Told Israel It Wanted Pegasus Hacking Tool for Investigations

see above 

• US secretly issued subpoena to access Guardian reporter’s phone records
• we make the rules, we break the rules... go on home... nothing to see here...

• San Francisco Police Are Using Driverless Cars as Mobile Surveillance Cameras
• Surveillance State. Make fun of Alex Jones, but he predicted this.

• ICE 'now operates as a domestic surveillance agency,' think tank says
• We sure have a lot of these, in our Surveillance State. The *I* stands for immigration. Why are they surveilling citizens? They also enforce copyrights. I've seen film of them arresting a flea market vendor for counterfeit goods (NFL).

If you're a Grindr user, there's a bit of a problem. The ad companies got all your information through Grinder. This is actually a normal thing.

Don't worry, they won't out you. They'll just advertise to you, which may be worse.

Ukraine conflict: Russian soldiers seen shooting dead unarmed civilians

Lieutenant: SHOOT THEM!

Private: why?

Lieutenant: BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Private: But Comrade, they're already dead.

Lieutenant: AND THIS IS A PROBLEM WHY?

Private: Sir, they can't hurt us.

Lieutenant: WHAT IF THEY'RE FAKING IT?

Private: Sir, most of them are without limbs or have their heads blown off.

Lieutenant: THEY COULD BE NOT COMPLETELY DEAD, PRIVATE

Private: Even if they were, they have no guns or knives.

Lieutenant: YOU NEVER KNOW. THEY COULD HAVE GRENADES OR BOMBS 

SECRETED ABOUT THEIR PERSONS.

Private: Sir, there's very little left of their persons.

Lieutenant: THEY COULD HAVE GRENADES

Private: Where?

Lieutenant: THESE BODIES ARE TRICKY. MAYBE THEY HAVE BOMBS IN THEIR ORIFICES.

Private: There are few orifices left, after the officers got to them.

Lieutenant: THEY COULD BE POISONED.

Private: if they were poisoned, they would have been poisoned then shot.

Lieutenant: NO, YOU IDIOT, THEY COULD HAVE POISONED PARTS, LIKE SKIN, SO WHOEVER COMES IN CONTACT GETS IT.

Private: Sir, there is precious little skin left after we Swiss cheesed them.

Lieutenant: LOOK - I HAVE TO SHOOT SOMEBODY. WHAT WAS YEARS OF  TRAINING FOR?

Private: I think the Kremlin will have our heads for using too much ammunition. You know what happens then....

Lieutenant: WHAT?

Private: they shoot us.

• speaking of which, McDonald's is pulling out of Russia for good after 30 years
• Russia has pretty much ground to a halt, trying to figure out whether this is a bad thing or a good thing.

Author Benjamin Myers on the crop-circle makers who 'blew people's minds'

Wow, a book on two perfect geniuses pulling a stunt that was already proved disingenuous. They went into fields and created circles. The debunkers immediately said this was how all crop circles were created. Sure, people from ancient times on have been creating their own crop circles. 

• I am by no means a crop circle expert
• Legitimate crop circles were studied under a microscope. There is a bulge where the crop was bent, indicating great heat. No so in human circles. It has been present for quite a while before Doug and Dave, and will be there after. It's science, folks. Even better than Fauci Science.

• why is my phone upside down every time I reach for it? I go to push a power button that isn't there.

Elon Musk puts Twitter deal on hold over fake account details

This doesn't pass the smell test.

Flying AIDS News

House panel alleges cover-up by contract vaccine maker

Here’s the latest good and bad news about COVID-19 drugs

Switch to Moderna booster after Pfizer shots better against omicron in 60+

Life-threatening inflammation is turning COVID-19 into a chronic disease

BA.2.12.1 poised to become dominant in US, raising concern for future vaccines

Covid hospitalisation may affect thinking similar to 20 years of ageing

My good friends at Microsoft put out the Xbox S, which has no disc drive.

Sheer genius.

Now that it's out, they're looking for ways to validate discs and get them to the box. Good timing, guys. 

Hey, I know the answer: put a friggin disc drive in it. It will make it 1.25" taller, unless it's shoehorned into the side.

Btw, earlier units had the microphone on permanently. This probably does too. I don't know why people buy these, unless they snip the mic wires....

• It's not that I'm stupid - I prefer to think of myself as smart after the fact....

You know that I hate mowing. It has become worse lately, due to the constant rain, which causes constant growth of the mostly green stuff in the ground. The funny, almost personal fact is that last year, Mrs. lefty used weed and feed, or something like that, which got rid of the weeds. It got rid of the weeds so well, there are now new and better weeds. At last count, there were three or four blades of actual grass; the rest were weeds. I know the authorities are going to come after me, as they have every time I used the flamethrower. I can't afford the cost of a landscaper to remove the weeds and go with sand or rocks or lizards.

The new and better weeds are so strong, they grow in clumps and when the dog's line gets wound around them, she gets stuck. They also have a strange effect on the mower. Every time I use it, I get a small portion done, then the battery is discharged. Like my car. So after defeating every safety feature built into the mower so it would operate, now the battery's shot. Or the new and better weeds are sucking out the power in the battery. It's not enough that I have to have the entire 12 horse brigade drag me from my beloved couch to mow, now I can only mow so much before the battery gives up its last. It was especially important because of the impending rainstorm. I don't hear about this stuff, but apparently everyone else had. Rain, sleet, Santa, hail, and falling elephants. The local schools sent the kids home early. There were other storms all though the state. So I stayed dry and the grass stayed largely unmowed. And everything except grass will grown at a nuclear pace, further frightening the mower. We apparently need a new one. I don't know where they come from... perhaps the stork. They just tend to appear. I suspect Wife has something to do with it. Anything large and expensive usually has her fingerprints on it.

• Someone also flipped the Ant Switch. One day, no ants. Next day, rather a lot of ants.

An Arm CPU ran on electricity generated by algae for over 6 months

an AMD Ryzen CPU ran on electricity generated by nose-picking for 3 months

a current Intel chip ran on electricity generated by whale poop for 9 months

an RISC chip ran for 12 months on actual electricity, then burnt up

• Bosses using AI to hire candidates risk discriminating against disabled applicants
• Has anybody ever considered interviewing candidates? You can easily get past the discrimination....

AI networks are less than 5 years away.

Great, now your network will discriminate against black people and disabled people.

Some state lawmakers are introducing bans on everything abortion, down to contraception. These people have gone completely insane in their attempt to control everything. To the best of my knowledge, contraception is only a problem with Catholics. We may assume these legislators are Catholic. If they're not Catholic, their excuse is that abortion kills. Contraception prevents what they describe as life, but is not life itself. Can you imagine if sperm were life? Contraception would be a holocaust. Masturbation unthinkable. Will there be people stationed in every male's bedroom in case of nocturnal emissions? These people really need to calm down a bit and think this through, not that this ever stopped them before.

She's Got a Missile Silo in Her Pants

 

Your love is like  nostril jam

• There's very little going on in marital relations lately. Wife says it's supply chain issues.

Today I identify as  a gay priest who says homosexuals will burn in hell

Home That Washed Into Atlantic Ocean Still Worth $380,000, Zillow Says

• prime ocean view!
• easy access to the beach
• local parking and boating
• fish from your bedroom!
• easy conversion to water power
• sit on the roof and get your feet wet
• swim Move right in!

I got really excited looking at the tv guide, until Wife said, "No, Naked and Afraid is not pr0n."

Stevie Wonder originally wrote Superstition for Jeff Beck. When Berry Gordy (Motown Records) heard it, well... it went on Stevie's record first anyway. Beck did it with BBA (Beck Bogart & Appice), in a different kind of funky.

My favorite song (Cause We've Ended as Lovers) off my favorite album (Blow by Blow) was another Stevie Wonder song, which Beck instrumentalized. Sorry Stevie, Jeff's got this one.

Leaders at San Jose church confirm they conducted ritual to rid 3-year-old of ‘evil spirits,’ leading to her death

You should also avoid this church for treatment of

• Gay
• The Flying AIDS
• splinters
• anything inside or outside the anus
• forgetting to take the trash out
• atheism
• death
• Catholicism
• dandruff

Pastor: "I am not guilty - it was God's will."

Depp Jam  

Today at the Depp-Heard trial the defense called their witnesses

• the guy who checked the tire pressure on Johnny's plane
• Heard's small flock of toenail painters
• the owner of Alaska's bicycle repair shop
• 2 guys in Cleveland who dive under water to look for guns and dead bodies
• the staff of Nebraska's only five-star-rated Circle K
• board members of the New Jersey Cocaine Guild
• the guy who puts vodka into cardboard boxes at Smirnoff's
• the shipping department at Clairol Hair Dye

Definitions

Trichotillomania: hair pulling

Deereotillomania: tractor pulling

Porkswordotillomania: penis pulling

Mmmmmotillomania: nipple pulling

Munt: 28, 30, or 31 days

Unwatchable: Gregg Allman performing on the Cher show in 1975

A UK charity says disabled children should be able to use playgrounds and some should be constructed. I agree, but would strongly caution against the slides, especially with wheelchairs.

• California's under 21 gun ban was struck down, citing the 2nd Amendment. Technically all gun bans are illegal. The 2nd Amendment simply affirms the natural right to bear arms.

Adidas is in trouble over UK ads that feature bare breasts. The images 'reduced women to body parts,' (unlike any other bra commercial, bladder leak underwear, clothing, or anything else). Meanwhile in America, 'intellectual curiosity' has men, and some women, eager to view the commercials to decide for themselves. 

The time has come to remove Chinese voices from global social media, according to Samir Saran, president of Delhi-based think tank Observer Research Foundation (ORF), a commissioner of The Global Commission on the Stability of Cyberspace, and a member of Microsoft's Digital Peace Now Initiative.

I see what he's talking about, but what of the innocent Chinese people? Shouldn't they have a voice? Social media also shows lifestyle and the ability to make friends. It's interesting  As with free speech in America, we take the bad with the good.

• Yeah, the new Dr. Who is black, but couldn't he be trans too? It makes the show look transphobic.

Twitter is now demanding my phone number. I've been on Twitter for quite a number of years without my number being involved. Ridiculous.

The PA election for governor is coming up. The only thing I can say now is thank God we'll be rid of Wolf (2nd term). That man singlehandedly closed businesses, ruined people, and made PA into the Nanny State it is today. 

This brings up a related topic. Both Senate candidate Kathy Barnette and gobernatorial candidate Doug Mastriano are republican and heavily Christian. I don't know about the democratic candidates, but Wolf is a democrat and I hate what he and local democrats have done to the state and city. I hate them almost as much as I hate the republicans. Obviously I'll vote straight libertarian, but if there's no candidate, I'd get stuck.  Being Christian republicans, they're anti-abortion, which I'm not. This may become important with Roe v Wade in the news.

My question is how the candidate's religion impacts doing their job. I don't care what their beliefs are, I just want the beliefs kept out of office. Anyone have any thoughts on religious politicians?

I have to draw the line somewhere. The other day I got a work email from the Office of Diversity, which wasn't caught by my email filters. I don't even care what it says - I won't read it. Nothing good can come from it. I also want a raise: if they can afford an Office of Diversity, they can afford to pay me more. I've been there for a number of years now, and I have yet to see a single incident of racism, lack of inclusion, not working well together, or general agita. We do what any good employee does; we work. We work hard. We work well. We work well as a team. We are an incredibly diverse company. We even have a ton of women, which isn't too common in IT. But none of it really matters. What matters is doing your job and doing it well. We are that.

aww, isn't that cute? the head child molester and his minions

Twitter Ate my Laptop

Your love is like  an ibuprofen sandwich

This is gonna rock your world:

Avoiding social media for just one week significantly boosts well-being, cuts depression

Today I identify as  You.

 

You know me.. .I'm movin' along, minding my own business, when I log into Twitter. The moment I get logged in, the laptop goes Pbthllllt and shuts off. No manner of troubleshooting, screaming, masturbating, or appealing to various religious entities produces anything.

One dead laptop.

One dead expensive laptop.

With unsaved browser windows going back a week, plus today's work.

No power to a device is a bad thing: that means the problem is inside the laptop. Fixing it is beyond the abilities of mortal men.

Fortunately it's been a quiet 24 hours. Because I've had all that time of calm, a BLIP was obviously necessary. Prior to that, someone made charges on my atm card and it got eaten up at the atm. Then I had to go to the bank to get a new one. You know me - I'm an amateur agoraphobic - I don't want to go outside.

One of our readers also has similar luck. We theorize that if Bad Stuff did not happen to us regularly, the universe and everything in it would go out of whack, catastrophically. So we're essentially keeping the universe (and everything in it) safe, straight, and narrow for you. No need to thank us.

The doctors said, "You sure get more than your share of this."  Ah, sweet validation.

It's not that my back is out, but I think it's down the block. It never does useful stuff, like getting me pizza. It's not that pain relievers don't relieve the pain, but pain relievers don't relieve the pain. So long as I don't sit, try to stand, try to stop sniffing glue, or get out of bed, I'm good.

Weird stuff is happening with my email address. Some of the emails aren't getting through to others. Some TO me are bouncing. No one knows why.

We're also at war with a doctor. He's winning, because he won't call back.

But I want to assure you - aside from that, everything is just ducky

Speakin' uh Twitter, they threw me off for 12 hours yesterday because I made a boo-boo. Their automation thought I made a boo-boo. This is why Musk bought Twitter.

I just did a little breakdown of my phone bill.

$1.99 for E911 services.  I don't want this. I don't care.

$5.99 for some bulldookey about compliance and IP - shouldn't this be included?

42% of my bill is for government mandated taxes and fees 

Has the government taken too much yet?

Now, pull out your taxes or at very least your pay stub. Be prepared to be nauseous. Do you have any idea how much money is being stolen from us on a weekly basis? Do you have any idea where it's going? If America checked this out, there would be rioting. (and while we're rioting, BLM will be looting stores) 

• Wife pointed out a commercial for a wireless bra
• how does it connect to your wireless router? 

There is a breakthrough in research on Gulf War Syndrome. Exposure to sarin nerve gas is the new explanation. The article can be positive news, but doesn't state the treatment. It also doesn't mention how soldiers came to be exposed to it. Sarin is usually fatal, but it was diluted. Also watch the larger picture of how new issues are dealt with. They're noticed, repeatedly denied, a cause discovered, more denial, then admission and coverage begins. Even if responsibility is accepted, no organization is penalized. Watch for this in the news of pharmaceutical companies around the Flying AIDS. The latest news about Pfizer is a perfect example.

God bless Canada. Their latest huge problem is a Member or Parliament calling into a debate from a toilet. I wish this could be everyone's biggest problem.

Oscar nominee James Cromwell glued his hand to a Manhattan Starbucks counter in protest over the chain's surcharge on vegan milk. The real shock of the entire episode is that it was a PETA demonstration. The technical psychological term for this is 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.' You can tell that Cromwell hasn't been with PETA long - if he were, he would have glued his penis to the counter, not his hand.

Vegan milk? That has to be almost as good as nonfat milk (water with weak white food coloring).

• After 21 years, Apple is discontinuing the iPod. 
• they felt it wasn't proprietary or annoying enough, vowing to come up with something more proprietary and more expensive. 
• And because the Smug was wearing off.

Part 43 of ThermionicEmissions' (Death) Cycle of Business

The company suddenly comes up new 'leadership teams.' This is usually after the old leadership teams get blamed for something that wasn't their fault, but they need Change. This works out about as well as Obama's Change.

Leadership Teams is a much more pleasant way of saying 'the people who say DO AS YOU'RE TOLD (no matter how stupid our ideas are).'

With the new teams comes new vision.

Uh-oh.

Any incoming leadership feels pressured to make a Big Splash<tm>, which translates to 'a new, annoying and onerous policy or procedure.' This makes it look like the new guy is really hitting the ground running and Doing Stuff.

Vision is short for "you better run, quickly."

It means "We have ideas. New and better ideas, based upon the old ideas. But we renamed them. Some will be fired. More will be hired. There will be consultants. There will be meetings and PowerPoint slides. There will be a short adjustment period of about 4 years because no one will pay attention to our bullshit, then because our vision has become greatly impaired." In the 5th year, there will be another new leadership team, with their own vision. Repeat until... something.

Meanwhile, the people who are already doing the job well just shake their collective heads until whiplash ensues.

People who have vision are best treated with antipsychotic medicines. This usually cuts down the audio and visual visions. The latest crop of antipsychotics makes you only half the zombie the old versions did. They render someone incapable of doing much (harm). This is extremely important to the company because it needs to feel something is being done. It also helps to not disturb the people who are actually doing things.

Anybody with sense can appreciate the call to end Forever Wars (Afghanistan, for one). The Military Industrial Complex brilliantly figured a way around this in Ukraine, sending everything they could, except actual troops. This way they get their billions in funding but manage to look like we're not involved. It's a win for everyone (except the taxpayers and people with morals). This is global - not just a US issue.   Follow the Money.

• Scientists have discovered that the environmental crisis was caused by the caveman's failure to stop eating meat. It's all gone downhill from there.

Only in America

Starbucks worker stages walkout over unsafe working conditions and retaliation from management over unionization efforts.  To prove worker was wrong, management fired him. He now goes to rallies in his fursuit. Yes, he's a furry. 

But wait - there's more!!

He hoped going in his fursuit would represent the diversity of the movement. If I were Starbucks I'd sue him for representing Starbucks as hiring furries. You gotta draw the line somewhere.