Johnny, Don't Stack the Bodies in the Garage, Please

 

Your love is like  antidepressants that make your penis useless

Major tampon makers pledge to tackle US shortages

This is where people can borrow some of the rhetoric of the anti-gunners: There will be blood in the streets! 

Today I identify as  a guy who gets all sorts of wild, kinky sex

Way to go, Supreme Court - you've gone backwards. Women are no longer sovereign over their own bodies.  Flushing America down the toilet, one freedom at a time.

Green Day 'singer' Billie Joe Armstrong is renouncing his US citizenship. While this could be a good things for people who like music, it will no doubt wind up like the people moving to Canada if Trump won. Zero went.

• NOTICE: you cannot purchase a lawnmower cover if you want one from any place that might rhyme with Bone Depot. It has nothing to do with supply chain issues; they just don't carry them.
• In related news, going from a 13" to a 17" blade makes the dreaded mowing time shorter for me. Ladies, you're right - size does matter.

I woke up next to a naked lady. 

Looking everything over, she seemed largely to be my wife. This is good, especially given Wife's strict No Dating policy. 

Being a male of the species, my eye went right to a mammalian protuberance. I studied it in depth. I didn't have a lot of depth perception, as I was only using one eye. The other eye was in the pillow, still asleep. This is the closest I get to multitasking. Giving it some thought, worshiping is not the same as studying, so I spent some quality time with it (the closer one, obviously). It was absolutely fascinating, the way each part came together to make the whole. I am obviously going to have to spend more time clinically and artistically appreciating the fun bags. 

• It's not that I sit around a lot, but we had to get rid of the motion sensors on the lights; they kept turning off while I sat.

Amazon fears it could run out of US warehouse workers by 2024

Here's a fun story: if you think about it, this means people are smarter than they were before the Flying AIDS. There are no more people stupid enough to work for Amazon.

Amazon shows off robot warehouse workers that won't complain, quit, unionize...

BUT, here we have two headlines, a day apart, about Amazon. Amazon is nowhere near as evil as Microsoft, unless you have to work for them. Last year I said that as soon as Amazon got robots, workers had better have their resumes current and out. This also signals greater health in the population, as warehouses will no longer be falling on workers. It also saves billions in insurance and payouts, because robots don't sue (for now). Like with the automation of McDonald's, the only trick will be programming the robots to screw up your order. Maybe they can use AI.

Factoid: the average Amazon worker lasts 8 months, a wacky amount under the average worker anywhere else. 

 

YouTube Runs Ad Offering American Men a Ukrainian Woman

You gotta love this. YouTube, one of the Great Censors of the net, ran an ad pushing Ukranian brides. Apparently one of the attractions is that American men are more ambitious and socially and financially responsible. That says a lot about Ukranian men. English is also spoken.

One doesn't have to watch too much pr0n to know some Eastern European women are gorgeous.  Just think about it.... socially responsible would be hosting a gorgeous woman while her country is being invaded.  Married men should proceed slowly.

Biden sends every signal that he is running again.

He wants to be just like Obama, so the Secret Service runs with him every morning.

Whose brilliant idea was this? The democratic slogan was "this is the best we got" and they're going to run this disaster again? The man is cognitively-impaired, as well as spending-forward.

New monkeypox advice is to have sex with your clothes on and masturbate six feet apart

Unable to give clueless advice on the Flying AIDS anymore, the CDC is onto its next pandemic; Monkeypox. Perhaps they can explain how to have penetrative sex six feet apart.

 

‘I literally lost organs:’ Why detransitioned teens regret changing genders

Just when you were getting used to adding 'transitioned' to your vocabulary, it's time to add 'detransitioned.' These are the unfortunate people who are changing back to their original gender. I have no trouble with anybody doing what they want with their body, but I feel sorry for people with the notion they're in the wrong body, or OOPS, I shouldn't have transitioned.

My understanding was that the transitioning person is given a battery of psychological tests to determine they're healthy and the decision is not coming from some other disorder. In Multiple Personality Disorder, one of the personalities can 'hijack' the body and do things to it. This is checked for. Or maybe not. The article states that the kids were ignored until they found unconditional support on the net. This is so dangerous. Again we have poor parenting and no self-esteem.

Lastly, at what age should kids be allowed to make this decision?

US Senate passes first gun control bill in decades

Yet more unconstitutional law - more abridgment of your rights. Let your senator know.

 

I had many years of Customer Weirdness, in which things went well, so long as I never left the house. If I went to a restaurant, from fast food up, the order would get messed up, if it even arrived. While waiting to be seated, a relative asked me to stand away from the family so they'd get seated. At that restaurant, food arrived for everyone, except me. The waitress stood there, looking confused, "Oh, did you order something?" 

While it was difficult to figure out what would come on top of my burger, you could rest assured it would contain whatever I said it shouldn't. I do not eat mayonnaise or tomatoes on burgers, so they would always be there. How was I supposed to know you had to order them without mayo or tomatoes. And when I figured this out, the burger would still have mayo and tomatoes on it. Tomatoes are easy to remove... just take a bite and they will go rocketing out the other end. Mayo not so much. I guess this was because no one eats mayo on meat where I grew up (Mars).

I went for a while where this stopped happening. Cynics will say it was because I was stuck in the house for two years. It was a great time because I always got exactly what I ordered or what I wanted was in stock.

Unfortunately Customer Weirdness is back.

Just this morning I asked for our favorite frozen treat at Dunkin. What arrived was frozen coffee with insufficient cream and no sugar. It wasn't what we've been getting for the last ten years. My English hasn't changed. The menu hasn't changed.

I once went to a guitar show and couldn't get one of the vendors to wait on me. I stood there and waved a bunch of cash, hoping someone would help. Nope. I'm reasonably certain I'm not invisible, although perhaps I don't know when it happens.

Yesterday we were at a store, checking out. There were exactly two checkout lanes, human-occupied, and a boatload of self checkouts. Since there were already 47 people in the human-occupied line, we sadly used a self checkout. And the first item stopped the entire process, calling for help. Manglement lets us know that they're not using plastic bags, they're using paper, which they switched to plastic years back. In any case, they were charging us for the paper bags. I smiled my best killer sarcasm smile while I told her how happy that made us. Then I told her we must have missed the large sign telling us we had to pay for them. Naturally there was no sign. Then she yells across the store that we have to re-scan the item that caused the problem. Oh, we should have known that too. I guess supply chain issues hurt their brains somehow.

T-Mobile has started selling your app data to advertisers

It was inevitable. You are merely a product, whether you're paying for the service or not.

Don't tell Elon, cuz he's gonna get jealous.

Toyota and Subaru are recalling EVs because the tires might literally fall off.

"Sharp turns and sudden braking" might cause this, so in the meantime, drive your vehicle very slowly to the dealership. Or have it towed and send your dealer the bill. Better yet, drive like a loon, because we like to see the world burn!

Monkeypox is not a global health emergency for now, WHO says

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY... the CDC fights the WHO in a no holds barred grudge match, over whether Monkeypox is a pandemic or not. If not, when can it BE a pandemic. Special guest referree: Lord Fauci

Joe Walsh  -  BAND PLAYED ON

[Analog Man - buy it]

Look out my window see a world that's on fire
Some people think that we should just let it burn
With all this ignorance the flames just get higher... Higher

All of these people with their misinformation
Must be the truth if it's a blog on the screen...
We got to buy it it's the latest creation

Too many icebergs out on the ocean
Too many chances to sink like a stone
The great titanic about to go under
And the band played on

Guess everybody needs a new pair of glasses
A lot of shit out there nobody can see
Yeah everybody's got their heads up their asses

We're all out here dead in the water
We got a leak in the boat
We're up shit creek without a paddle
Just trying to stay afloat

Joe did his best to send all his brain cells elsewhere, yet many remain.

He makes a good point.

Giddyup There, Emotional Support Elephant

 

Your love is like  poison ivy

The tiny mites that have sex on our faces have a problem

Quite frankly, if I'm not having sex, the mites won't be either...

Today I identify as  a #3 pencil

HER: I'm thinking of taking some time off .. to find myself.

HIM: I could save you some time.

HER: How?

HIM: Check the shoe stores

Kazakh Govt. Used Spyware Against Protesters

Another way to spy on you, my pretty - it's not just Kazakh...  

TEACHER: Johnny, use 'hankerin' in a sentence

JOHNNY: I got me a hankerin' to use the word hankerin'

US defence contractor in talks to take over NSO Group’s hacking technology

Wow - we're privatizing spying!

fyi, while most government agencies are subject to information requests, private companies aren't.

• New Documents Detail Harrowing Crisis in Which Workers Were Trapped in Chocolate Sludge
• this sounds like the way I'd go...

Samsung caught cheating in TV benchmarks, promises software update

Samsung is an early competitor for Corporate Evil, against Microsoft and Google. They are the 5,000lb gorilla in smartphones, throttle some phone apps, require you to sign up to be spied on or you can't watch your tv, and now cheat on benchmarks. I've about had it with them.

Samsung fined $14 million for misleading smartphone water resistance claims

They might as well be Faceyspaces..

• The FDA has ordered Juul e-cigarettes to be pulled from shelves, over the appeal of its nicotine products to minors.

• Ummmmm.... alcohol and cigarettes, anybody? What about their appeal to minors (and majors)? Total hypocrisy.  Drink responsibly! 

Tesla has been off the blog lately, so here's some news:

NHTSA data shows Teslas using Autopilot crashed 273 times in less than a year 

--> probably operator error

So a Tesla gets totaled and is sitting in the junkyard for three weeks.

What happens? It spontaneously combusts.

I'm telling you, Musk needs to put a fire extinguisher in each car. He can even charge extra for it.

Impact of reading about climate science goes away almost instantly

Hey, don't blame people, blame climate science. If you talk about climate science's impact on pr0n, people will remember it and be able to talk about it intelligently. This is how your early teachers became your favorites: they made things interesting (hopefully not using pr0n). 

Today we are going to discuss the GPA of the Big 27 colleges.

hold me back 

The Big 27 are Temple, Penn State, Harvard, Yale, Berkeley.......

yawn....

Idaho Community College, Bob's Cooking College...

somebody please wake me when this is over...

 Hollywood School of Pr0n

My parents paid a lot of money for my education. Maybe I should stay awake. 

 The real surprise here is not that this is specific to climate science: it's specific to everything! We have the short-term memory of gnats and the long-term memory of Alzheimer's research.

PANDEMIC(S)

How hiring the wrong medical “expert” derailed US pandemic response

Monkeypox spreading via direct, physical contact, CDC says as US cases hit 45

• New White House partnership aims to speed construction of offshore wind farms
• ...which fired off a 16 hour talk with Biden, who thought wind farm was a magical place you grow wind, like at Disneyland... or Congress.

As a man, I'm proud to say I can operate a washer and dryer. All except the washer we have. It's computer-controlled and has a huge LCD display that tells you stuff. Unfortunately, none of the stuff is very interesting to me and Wife does the laundry, so I haven't operated it yet.

Yet.  [suspenseful music]

I have run entire corporate networks that were easier to operate than this washer. First of all, it has a power switch. Second of all, Wife is away and I need to do laundry NOW.

[on phone]

Honey, remember that white load?

Yes.

Have you seen it?

Ooh, sorry, I took it downstairs but haven't gotten around to it yet.

In a week?

Sorry, I got distracted.

Lots of shiny objects?

You know me so well.

Do I have to put in a reservation to get wash done? The socks are starting to talk and the darks have fallen over on the dog and won't let her out. I'll do anything I can to help. Just don't make me use the washer.

I'm really sorry... it's just that this seminar on back pain and nose hair is so interesting.

Is there a causal relationship?

They seem to exist concurrently. More research is needed. I bought you another 11-pack of socks.

Yeah, I wore them after the previous 11-pack. I don't think it's cheaper to buy socks than to wash them. Plus we need a large dump truck to get them from the hamper to the washer.

I have a theory. Normal people lose single socks. We lose them in pairs.

At least we're consistent. About the wash...?

Ok, take the phone to the washer and we'll do Virtual Laundry.

What's Virtual Laundry?

I'll tell you what to do and you do it.

That sounds more like marriage than laundry. Although it's easier on your back.

Ok, put the socks in the washer.

You might not believe this, but I already had that bit figured out.

Did you close the door?

Nah, I figured I'd wash the floor too.

Ok, pull out the drawer.

On my desk?

No, on the washer, silly.

WHAT drawer?

Look for a handle.

Ok, got it.

Now put the laundry detergent in.

[looking at 11 bottles of various laundry stuff on washer] Is it "Bob's Liquid Death?"

No, that's tomorrow's dinner.

Then where's the laundry detergent.

On the dryer.

Ah, I see. I should have looked there automatically.

Put it in the drawer.

There are 4 receptacles - which one would you like me to use?

The big one.

How much?

About a cup.

NO. Tell me how much to fill it. I am not measuring. These are socks.

Ok, fill it most of the way. Then put in the fabric softener.

Is that the blue bottle that says "Retro-Soft - just like yo mama used"?

No, it's on the dryer.

I really should have known that.  What are the other 11 bottles of stuff on the washer?

Oh, that's Special Stuff.

I'm going to suspend disbelief and stop right there. There are 3 more containers for the fabric softener - which one?

It should say on them.

I can't see my hand in front of my face in this room. Bulbs are cheap, you know.

But not if you don't put them up, like I've been asking for the past year. Try the one on the right.

Touche. And damn if'n I haven't made a right mess of pouring that stuff. I guess the socks will be extra soft. Or something.

It's going to ask you what setting.

Well, it had better hurry because I can't see the display. Hey, this looks like a power switch - how about if I push it?

You didn't push it yet?

You didn't tell me to.

It will ask you for a setting. Try.... no... not that one...  just leave it as-is.

But won't it be mad at me for not following directions? It might turn the socks green or something.

No, just push the GO button.

There's no button called GO. Is it on the dryer?

It's on the right.

The right of what?  Oh, it looks like a GO button from an audio player. Even I recognize that.  Will you call me back later so I can put the socks in the dryer?

WASH: easy enough for a man.

Episode 86, in Which Biden Goes Nappy

Your love is like   a massive Catholic burial

I tried one of those mind-mapping programs.

I broke it.

Today I identify as  miserable

• Signs you should jettison a person: when they say OMG or LOL out loud

Russian TV showed video of US veterans captured in Ukraine.

Granted there is a ton of propaganda, but if this is true, why is there a single American boot on the ground? We are not the world's police (yes we are). We can't afford to let the Military Industrial Complex rule (they will anyway). They're the only ones who win. Neither government confirmed the situation. Biden said he was briefed and that's all he said.  #ImpeachBiden  It's just like when Obama said "No boots on the ground."

• Serena Williams is coming back to tennis. Have you ever really looked at her thighs? Pure muscle. Her husband must have cranial injuries from getting caught between them.

The house is once again holding me prisoner.

The past three weekends, I haven't been allowed out. We all know I ask a lot... one outing per weekend. It's odd that I manage to show up for work, though. There was a traffic jam last week: too many dog toys on the stairs. Sometimes we wonder if the dog is trying to do us in. She hasn't thought this one through though... who would take care of her?

Whether it's the wife who's sick, the service elephant who's sick, or the car which is sick, it's always something. If I were (more) paranoid, I'd say they held meetings to see which one would be sick that weekend. 

As if that weren't bad enough, the owner of the One True Pizza place down the street, sold the business, plus they're now closed on Sunday. The exact day I wanted my pizza. If the pizza changes, there's no reason to stay in PA anymore.

We were off Monday and somehow managed to escape the house with nothing breaking. We visited a 'quaint' little burg, with interesting shops. Every one of them was closed Mondays. I think the burg found out we were coming by for a good time and to spend money, so all the stores closed. It's like when we go food shopping and someone follows us to see what we buy, so the store can stop carrying it.

Ok, there was one store open. Oddly, a guitar store. They even had a few really crappy lefties. We toured the place and on the way out, spotted a Jet City 20 amp. It's a 20 watt amp, heavy enough for a 50 watt amp. I'll review it shortly.

Some of the stores moved since the last time we were there. I don't get out much but I read a lot and stores don't normally change places. I don't know if it's a rent thing or they just want to keep the customers confused. My first job was in retail, which cemented my hatred for people, but even I know you don't want to confuse the customers (further). Some of these people can't tell which store they're in to begin with. I used to get people demanding to return items they bought in a different store. Maybe it was just an excuse to get people to exercise by walking up and down the block, trying to find the new location of the store. The last thing you want is flocks of confused, grumbling consumers.

• Watch and read the Uvalde news. It gets more and more sad as time progresses, specifically around the police inaction. They sat there over an hour before any action was taken.

Wisdom from Mrs. lefty

Just because leggings come in your size doesn't mean you should wear them.

• Japan makes 'online insults' punishable by one year in prison in wake of reality TV star's death
• First England, now Japan criminalizes speech. 
• In completely unrelated news, Twitter, Reddit, and Faceyspaces banned in Japan

I've seen a few cases of people being prosecuted for 'encouraging' others to commit suicide, online. This bothers me and sits on a slippery slope. I believe that short of stuffing pills or holding the gun, they shouldn't be tried for murder. It kills me (oops) that anyone would take their own life, but they are the ones doing it.

Crisis Text Line	Text HOME to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline	1-800-273-8255

ThermionicEmissions supports Ukraine.

ThermionicEmissions supports Russia.

The people, not their governments.

• 58% of adults say they use their smartphone too much.
• So if you're reading this blog on your phone, please don't continue!

According to a Gallup Poll, fewer Americans than ever believe in God.

According to believers, fewer Americans than ever believe in Gallup Polls.

The fitness app Strava leaked location of Israeli officials at a secretive base.

Don't use this crap - Fitbit or whatever else. All of these apps leak your info. 

The neighborhood is dying.

And by that I mean the Crazy Lady has left the building.

She was only 479 years old, which was young for whatever she was. I figured if it was cancer, she'd only scare it away. She wore out several knee implants.

So in honor of her life, here are some of her greatest hits:

• called the city because our bees 'bit' her
• called the city about standing water that attracted mosquitoes (the dog's pool)
• put the 'leaf collection' flyer on my windshield
• started edging my lawn because 'I don't do it right'

I thought of doing something to get even, but realized simply living next to her was getting even. At some point, the house will sell and we'll have nice neighbors. We miss the lady on the other side terribly.

Yes, Dear

 

Your love is like  blue, fuzzy fruit

Welcome to the 2022 Nude at Work Day (stats)

• Construction: 89% overall accident rate, severed limbs, missing genitals, penises nailed to things
• Music: the usual heavy injuries resulting from guitar players trying to insert themselves into 1/4" jacks, females becoming attached to larger microphones
• Art: c'mon- those people don't put clothes on 
• Newsreaders: they're always naked below the waist anyway
• Firepeople: don't run into a burning building naked, ok?
• Bloggers: we are happy to report not a single injury, maintaining our perfect record. What else do you expect from a group with a single blogging tab and 47 pr0n tabs?

Today I identify as  the guy with the vasectomy and the pregnant wife

$3,374,629,000,000 in federal taxes collected the first eight months of fiscal 2022.

Of course it's the largest figure: we have the largest taxes. The money goes to everything except the debt. Thank President Taxit for the latest rises.

That's an awful lot of money. It sure as hell ain't going to you. We can start with the Military Industrial Complex and go down from there. Or we could scream and riot and vote libertarian. R and D are what got us in this mess in the first place. Talk to your reps in the meantime - this is not acceptable.

The White House is thinking about a federal tax holiday on gas. Don't forget a state tax holiday too. Talk to your reps..... the taxes are out of hand to begin with.

Here It Comes!

Monkeypox outbreak spurs WHO to consider declaring international emergency

but not before they rename the disease because the current name is discriminatory (to monkeys).

• Questionable Phrases: Screwed the pooch
• when I say I'm a dog lover, that's not what I mean 

Ford halts sales of Mustang Mach-Es due to propulsion-loss bug - overheating in the high voltage battery connectors causes inability to start or complete non-propulsion. Asked for comment, Ford said this had absolutely nothing to do with saving millions by firing the Quality Control department.

Author James Patterson:

"I apologise for saying white male writers having trouble finding work is a form of racism," the 75-year-old wrote on Facebook on Tuesday.

"I absolutely do not believe that racism is practiced against white writers.

Black Lives Matter spokespeople said they apologize for saying white people should be shot. They absolutely do not believe that white people should be shot.

• Who besides me is shocked that Ghislane Maxwell is still alive?
• I guess she doesn't have enough to truly embarrass Epstein's clients 

So that's it - Internet Explorer is going away.

It only took about 27 years for us to get our wish.  IE: the 'standards compliant' browser that wasn't. They say the good thing about standards is there are so many of them. I remember doing up a web page and seeing what it looked like in different browsers. It was always far off in IE. It earned the nickname Internet Exploder. The end will come via a Windows 'update', that you naturally will have no control over.

MS is putting its considerable muscle behind Echo, another Chrome knockoff. I use it at work, only because it's the default browser for Windows. I prefer regular old Chrome. Let me say something nice: it's not abjectly horrible.

To keep things simple and end all the in-house arguing, I told the dog that for Fathers Day, a guitar will do. She just looked at me with that 'I don't understand English' face and and went looking for tuna. She understands English when we say "Wanna go outside, Wanna go night-night, and Let's adjust your stock portfolio."

Dear lefty 

• I don't know what to believe: I hear we're in a recession and we have inflation too. Can you help me understand this?
• Well sure I can. I'm Dear lefty after all. First, you cannot have inflation (making things larger) and recession (making things smaller) at the same time, so dismiss those naysayers. There is plenty of money to go around, and if not, the Fed prints more of it. This has no effect on prices of anything or the national debt.  The Debt is more of a sign or a suggestion, and we like to ignore it whenever we can, which is mostly always.
• There is plenty of gold in Fort Knox (I think), but who cares, because, as I said, we just print more whenever we want to. Do NOT try this at home.
• Inflation is when soda costs $5 for a small bottle. This is not to be confused with 'supply chain issues' making a soda cost $5 for a small bottle. Only highly-paid economists, who appear on tv news as 'experts,' can tell the difference. Meanwhile, you're paying $5 for a small bottle of soda, whether you like it or not, regardless of the reason.
• Recession is like when things go to hell, taking your savings and retirement with them. You have no say over this and no recourse, like when The Masked Furry is on.
• Avoiding all of this is simple: be very rich.

I'm not a fan of New York City, because it feels like anarchy is waiting to break out at any second, much like Oprah. One of the things about big cities is that you can count on budgeting an hour or two for a cab ride to the next block. It's an accepted condition, and well-tolerated by travelers, like snow in Minnesota. Philadelphia is full of interstates that were under-capacity on the day they were opened. You can regularly find a traffic jam at 2:00, am or pm. I think we have finally reached the point where we have to budget a ridiculous amount of time to simply travel on these crappy roads. There is simply no way you can compare Philly to New York, unless you count the many parking garages that charge like New York. Philly also has more guns and ATV gangs than New York, making its accent much more feared. In fact, New York taxi drivers, formerly the most feared mammal behind any steering wheel, will pull over when they hear a Philly accent cursing at them.  YO- YOUZE GOTTA MOVE DAFUGOUTTA MY WAY!

• ever wonder who touched themself and thought about you? It's a shame you can't get a report.

Warning! Signs Are Not Enough to Save Beachgoers from Deadly Currents

It's not the signs so much as the people (allegedly) reading them.

• WARNING - THIS SHIT CAUSES CANCER on cigarette boxes
• DO NOT STAB YOURSELF IN THE EYE on forks
• DO NOT STAND ON LAST 2 STEPS on ladder
• DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FLY DOWN STAIRS
• DO NOT OPERATE TESLA FROM REAR SEAT, with or without auto-drive

We're doomed.

1. Some sociologists are going with the theory that this is Darwinism: throwing a little chlorine in the gene pool.
2. Some average Joes are hoping for a bit of Darwinism, then cheering it on.
3. Some sociologists are hoping to get paid as a consultant on stories like this, especially on coveted on-air news programs.
4. Some bloggers, like me, are torn between hysterics and sadness, taking advantage of the headline to show how doomed we are.

Speaking of bloggers, I'm always honest with my readers. I don't consider myself a writer, I don't think I can write the Great American Novel<tm> given a year off and a typewriter. There is no book in me (that would be incredibly painful). I'm barely a blogger. My dog only writes 35% of the content here. I hope you come by/come back because you're entertained. I like Orange Crush but no other orange sodas.

The other day, while driving, I went to put on my sunglasses. They had somehow become way more efficient than before, letting approximately 9% of the light through. A quick visual inspection proved the lenses brown with dirt and crud. It looked like they were tied to the bumper and run through 30 miles of mud from the constant rain here. Curious, I brought them indoors and laid them on a table. Ever considerate, Mrs. lefty moved them so they didn't get broken. I finally made comment about the lenses. She said it was her fault: she attached them to the bumper and ran through 30 miles of mud from the constant rain here. I kept poking at a point, which she failed to get.... if you dragged them through the mud, got chocolate pudding all over them, then wore them for 6 weeks, WHY DIDN'T YOU CLEAN THEM?  We have something of a communication issue in our house.

Researchers believe they have discovered the origins of the Black Death, more than 600 years after it killed tens of millions in Europe, Asia and north Africa.

Lord Fauci has been alerted, resulting in mandates for testing, vaccines, and staying at home. Pharmaceutical companies are working on an incredibly expensive free vaccine that President Taxit will pay for, by shifting the $52 billion he hasn't raised yet to give the semiconductor industry. Small businesses have given up and closed and Jeff Bezos has a hardon that can cut diamonds.

Happy Fathers Day

If this blog is available in the afterlife, you know I'm talking to you (both).

Tried to Say Nothing and Failed

Your love is like   a significant mustache. On your aunt.

The author of a book on how to murder your husband was found guilty of....

wait for it....

murdering her husband.

Mrs. lefty wrote a book on how to get rid of bodies.

uh-oh 

Today I identify as  something found under an overpass

So it's morning, the condition that affects every day. I managed to avoid it last weekend by getting up at 2pm. But, work being what it is, I must face the dreaded Morning Blues.

I normally do well, but this morning is special: the new neighbors apparently feel their basement is leaky. This is my guess, as the truck in their parking spot says DRY BASEMENT. The occupants of said truck are a delightful parody of construction workers, with YO-ing, high fiving, and General Noise. This just makes me want to kill them brightens up my work morning. I couldn't wait for the Main Noise. The Main Noise is the VERY LOUD machinery that comes with any job, from dry basement, to new windows, to ripping up the street. It only took a little while... there was a noise that sounded like a compressor or a huge hose, being pulled along concrete steps, then it stopped. Then it started again. It only took another minute to discover that the Main Noise would not be constant; it would be intermittent, thus more noticeable. In essence, they were pouring concrete, so it went POUR NOISE vroom, then nothing, then POUR NOISE.... this is actually worse than constant noise. And I thought they couldn't come up with anything more annoying than constant noise. The human spirit lives on...

But I typed too quickly: they just added a noise that sounds like a pneumatic hammer - the kind they use on streets. Since they probably don't need a pneumatic hammer to coat basement walls, I'm going to go with some sort of motor. It's quite nice of them to change things up for me. It's like a symphony in parts. Metal parts.

Silence

BANG BANG BANG BANG

Silence

BANG BANG BANG BANG

Silence

BANG BANG BANG BANG

• A woman in the US has been charged with murder after she allegedly tracked down her boyfriend using an Apple AirTag and ran him over after seeing him with another lady
• another iDevice-related death 

Mozilla announced their Thunderbird (email) will be coming to android. It will supplant the existing K9 mail. Can't wait- highly recommended for desktop or mobile. The only thing I'd like to see in K9 is a spam filter. Since desktop Thunderbird has one, perhaps it will make the android version.

You know... this boy toy thing looks interesting. I wonder if Mrs. lefty will be persuaded to treat me as one....  I have to be careful, lest she misunderstand and go find one instead.

• I'm super excited to go super shopping today. Then I'll be super unpacking the bags and super making dinner. It'll make me feel super good. I'll be making super sandwiches, but I don't know which.

Mick Jagger tested positive for the Flying AIDS. He never knew he had it.

The band's ability to perform, sometimes while dead, is legendary.

The next album, of which we heard a preview, is all about ailments the band has. A deluxe version features the band sitting around discussing their illnesses. The only heathy band member is Keith Richards, who had his entire body replaced after his dalliance with heroin (1968-2019). [The late] Charlie Watts played three shows before his burial. The band now performs with a new bassist and drummer, referred to as "The Black Guys."

Mick (92) is only recently showing his age. This is a grave improvement over last tour, when he showed someone else's age. Experts cannot figure out how a bunch of old geezers have black and brown hair, but no gray. At one point the Stones auditioned Jeff Beck, but weren't able to hire him because Ron Wood and he had the same tall black hair and Ron used to play bass in the Jeff Beck Group. Why this was a problem, nobody knows. Jeff declared himself too talented and left, but there are copies of their jam session out there somewhere.

Little known fact: The Stones are the first totally animatronic band. All live shows are electronic (super-secret alien technology) and all new songs are generated by Artificial Intelligence. On this year's tour, Ron Wood is as tall as the rest of the band.

• Paul McCartney is about to be 80. What a nice guy...
• we really need to talk left handed guitars, Paul.

Bad local news: the Crazy Lady, our evil 479 year old neighbor graduated to assisted living. She just got transferred to hospice, meaning The End is Near. She is going to annoy somebody in the afterlife. Ok I'll leave her alone, finally.

This brings up two points

1. she hasn't lived there in months, yet there is trash every week
2. one far-flung relative- that's it. She goes, the house sells.  Makes one question life. What was it all for?

The loneliest person in the world is the person running a meeting at work. I have no idea why this is, but it's constant. My boss could ask what 1+1 is and there would be dead silence. I try to help out by giving wildly incorrect answers, but gave up when I couldn't hear anyone laughing. Along those lines, I had to send out an email to my entire group the other day. Like the meeting, total silence. I asked their experience with something, plus a question about ice cream at virtual meetings. Nothing.  Answering the email will make their jobs easier, but no. It got so bad the Boss re-emailed the group, reminding them I asked for input, bless him. Because he knows... the loneliest person in the world is the person running a meeting (or sending an email).

JFC, I do not see that bird, jumping around the living room. It is not there.

Some days the crazy hurts.

Now that I think about it, he probably wants to visit the armadillo in the attic. Maybe they can have tea with the bees in the bedroom. Butterfingers with the butterflies in the basement. Then some cake with the kangaroo in the kitchen. He's a small kangaroo, so we didn't have to do any renovation. 

I love that a Chinese satellite may have picked up signals from an alien civilization. Nobody seems to know what's flying around in our skies and the planet, but it might be easier to start looking there. It's the multi-ton elephant in the room.

Deja Vu All Over Again 

In the beginning, 'computers' were dumb terminals, huge and loud, attached to printers and hooked to a mainframe computer via a modem. The mainframe was where all the computing was done, up til the first personal computers showed up. Now we have THE CLOUD, where everything is processed on someone else's computer. This is a large circle that has come back to its start.

• A new type of battery under development is the silicon-anode, which can recharge in less than ten minutes.
• it will not hit the market until they figure out how to make it spontaneously combust.

Twenty-five people have been treated for burns in northern Switzerland after they walked across hot coals as part of a team-building exercise.

Who saw this coming?

Actually it was a great team-building exercise: they all went to the hospital together. Perhaps the organizers will get to stand in the unemployment line together too.

Seriously, how 'unconventional' do you have to be to set something like this up for team-building? Was Mt. Everest closed? Old Faithful off-schedule? No volcanoes available?

Asked for a comment, the company said, "We meant to say SNOW, not hot coals. We apologize for any inconvenience."

Trek Wars 27: Kirk's D2 No Longer Works

 

Your love is like the condensation from a dirty Coke bottle

Alibaba sued for selling a 3D printer that overheated, caught fire, and killed a man

-Does Tesla make printers?

Today I identify as  nothing.

There's a yearly outdoor fair around this time. We have it on the calendar. It's a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so everyone can attend. And when I say everyone can attend, I mean it's going to be cloudy and rainy for the entire three days.

Now that I think about it, we don't get many fairs or circuses or carnivals. I think this is because they know to avoid the area, unless they need their equipment watered.

Sunday: "Hey, Honey, it looks like there's a break in the clouds. Maybe we can go to the fair. Let me check the hours. Ah, they close in fifteen minutes. Never mind, then. Let's go watch the trash cans instead."

• US Wants to Use Drones to Kill Coca Plants in Colombia
• let's put aside the arguments on drugs... isn't this an act of war? 

Feds Forced Travel Firms to Share Surveillance Data on Hacker

It ain't only the travel firms....

• Why do some people smell their armpits before putting on deodorant?

NASA is assembling a team to gather data on unidentifiable events in the sky

A spokesperson said, "It's finally time to do something more than airbrush out the UFOs." 

Ms Marvel: Critics praise Disney's 'joyful' first Muslim superhero story

This is the fourth picture from the new Woke Disney.

Disney is currently working on: 

• 101 Dalmatians, with an all African American cast
• Lady and the Tramp, with a gay Irani actor playing the cocker spaniel
• Sleeping Beauty, with Rosie O'Donnell. The audience chants "SLEEP SLEEP PLEASE SLEEP!"
• Cinderella, without the patriarchal society, starring an unknown 8 year old trans actor

Climate change: New Zealand's plan to tax cow and sheep burps

New Zealand, normally a quiet country, wants to finally break free from the bonds of sanity, in the aid of collecting more taxes. The legislators cannot get the citizens to believe they weren't kidding and they have to register all the cows and sheep, plus install the Burpo-Fartometer on each animal. The citizens suggested installing the device on the politicians first.

The White House Backpedaling Staff was busy this weekend, after the president wished everyone a Happy Easter.

27% of Electric Vehicle Fast Chargers in the Bay Area Don’t Work, Study Finds

Many likely received state funding

A week later, still broken

That's nice.

• Mars helicopter needs patch to fly again after sensor failure
• Microsoft asks did NASA turn it off and turn it on again...

No more fossil fuel or nukes? In the future we will generate power with magic dust

I got all excited til Wife told me our dust isn't magic 

US can’t afford fall boosters for all—even after cuts to test and PPE spending

Why does every article that has 'Biden' in it also have 'billions'?

So Good My Toenails Hurt

 

Your love is like  free samples of new Chunky Milk - the milk you chew!

There is a show called The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.

Needless to say, I did not authorize this biography 

Today I identify as  Elon Musk's love child

At the mall the other day, I saw one of those twats that shaves the sides of his head but it's long on top. I realized he's pretty much the direct opposite of me (non-voluntarily).

Flying AIDS News

$9.8 Million Awarded Last Year by Fauci’s Agency to Test Monkeypox Treatment

strangest coincidence....

Why Masks Work, but Mandates Haven’t

May 31, 2022, New York Times

FDA advisers overwhelmingly endorse Novavax COVID-19 vaccine

With BA.2.12.1 now dominant in US, experts eye new subvariants BA.4 and BA.5 [Updated]

Why are boosted Americans testing positive for COVID more than those without extra shot?

Microsoft still hasn't patched the latest serious flaw in Windows.

This morning, Microsoft held a press conference, in which they apologized for not patching the operating system, but they're inundated with all your personal information and may just stop patching Windows altogether.


Is it the end for the lush lawns of Los Angeles?

I hereby donate mine 

• Emotet malware gets into Google Chrome and attempts to steal saved credit card info.

1. don't use Chrome. I prefer Firefox.
2. don't store ANY info in ANY browser.
3. always use Private mode, which flushes all info when you're done.
4. if you insist on Chrome, use Chromium, which doesn't report back to Google

Dolphins recorded having a conversation 'just like two people' for first time
September 11, 2016, The Telegraph

Heya, Fred.

Hi, Bob.

Say, inflation is looking bad.

And the Ukraine situation isn't any better.

Whatever it is, the humans can be counted on to fsck it up.

Even the fish aren't as tasty; they're full of plastic.

Plus I think they're taping us. They're getting hip to us talking about them.

You think it's time to get out of here?

Douglas Adams was right.. it's getting to be time for "So long and thanks for all the fish."

I don't know why they put us here.

Maybe they thought we could help provide a positive influence...

You have a point - we manage to get by without nukes or ICBMs, on a bit of fish.

The problem is humans don't or won't learn. Even from the whales. 

The whales are certainly big enough to make a point, that's for sure.

Have you heard of Musk?

Damned if I know. Humans talk about him a lot.

I hear he's building underwater electric cars.

Great - they'll probably dump the batteries in the water when they're dead.

But he boinked Amber Heard.

What's Amber Heard - some kind of shark?

Yeah, a kind of shark.

I'm feeling a little slow today.

Have you tried coffee?

The only problem is we can't use a straw.

Have you ever seen a dog try?

No, must be hilarious.

Check it out on DolphinTube.

NHTSA upgrades Tesla Autopilot probe, could lead to recall
Up for debate is whether Autopilot, or humans behaving badly, is the reason for Tesla's iffy safety record

This is a tough one. Is it Basic Human Stupidity, Musk, or something else?

ThermionicEmissions always goes with Human Stupidity. The autopilot states plainly that it is not fully auto. Considering the Subaru Outback's stellar safety record, if people kept driving them into buildings, would it be Subaru's fault? They'd still get sued for it....

• $2.51 (457 pounds British) for a 12oz Coke at the store today
• food seems to be racing gas, but I doubt it will come close 

Multiple Governments Buying Android Zero-Days for Spying: Google

the better to illegally intercept your calls, my dear...

How to Turn a Coke Can Into an Eavesdropping Device

just imagine what a Mountain Dew can will... uh...  do...

Ok, so I have trouble with putting things into bags. Trash or small, it doesn't matter. When I try, whatever it is inevitably winds up on the floor. It must be another of those strange injuries I suffered as a child. It's a wonder I made it to adulthood, with all the strange injuries I suffered as a child. Sometimes I have trouble opening bags, like potato chips. I figured out what this is about: if I can't open them, they're diet chips. Today I went to open some pretzels, gave it a serious pull, and the bottom of the bag opened, spilling half the bag on the floor. This was a new one. I spent most of my childhood on the therapist's couch. Apparently it wasn't enough.

RING RING

Hello?

Hi, what do you need at the store.

I need soda

Ok

Lettuce

Ok

Cookies

Never mind, I'll just come home to get the list.

Aren't you writing it down?

No, I'm driving.

Well if you wanted to know what I needed at the store...   never mind.  The doctors want to know the source of my headaches.. I think I just found it.

• Jeff Goldblum and Will Ferrell are still visible. This remains a problem for the civilized world.

While the anti-2nd Amendment forces are out (again/still), it turns out the police in Uvalde, Texas, are in deep doo-doo for an hour's delay in doing anything, while sitting outside the school. Yes, they sat there and did nothing while people died. They admitted this. "Wounded teacher condemns police as cowards"

Meanwhile, Matthew McConaughey is also against the 2nd Amendment, stumping for gun control.

Mosquitoes prefer dozing over dining when they are sleep-deprived

With this fascinating scientific tidbit in, plus the administration's historically bad ratings, the Biden team is putting together a $57 billion program called Operation Mosquito. In it, the government will pay people to party with the mosquitos, keeping them awake, thus the government can claim they've done something about the scourge of mosquito bites. Others will be paid to play loud music near known mosquito apartments and condominiums. We will have the most sleep-deprived mosquitos on the planet. Other countries will want to consult with us on this groundbreaking program. 

• Cancer, dementia, some gender issues, reality tv... I think we're causing it ourselves. The amounts are massive, considering The Olde Days<tm>. Look at the crap we put in our food and in the air and sea.... it goes into our bodies.

Your Taxes at Work

The US Treasury Department has started approving broadband grants to states from a $10 billion fund created to expand access to Internet service and other digital connectivity tools.

This is not the job of government, with our tax dollars. We pay a lot of money for service, as well as a lot of surcharges and taxes. Why can't the providers deal with it? Why does the deficit climb so rapidly? 

The Biden administration has inaugurated a new $2 billion program to explain Dark Matter to Americans.    The surprise from all of this is that Americans don't care.

The Demand for More Anvils in the Inclusive Blog

Your love is like  mashed glass and gravy

A California court ruled that bees are fish.

California is a large planet that circles the United States.

Also, grasshoppers are doorknobs, recliners are lawns, and Led Zeppelin is Britney Spears.

Today I identify as  prune juice

 The President's Council on Blog Diversity has decreed that all US blogs be more diverse and inclusive. Despite my initial reaction to deny or ignore everything he says, I got to thinking how he'd know these things. There's only one of me, unless you count Mrs. lefty, but she doesn't contribute, except by example. I could be very diverse, but how does one tell? Mrs. lefty has a pretty diverse collection, or so I hear; I have never seen them, but I know they're there.

Plus there has been a significant development in my blogging and working: I have graduated from two cups of coffee to three cups. It's a momentous occasion in attempting to remain appear awake. I wish I could be sponsored by the coffee and creamer companies, but I pay full boat.

I think my laptop's getting up to things while I sleep.

I go to sleep with it clean and disconnected from the wireless. When I wake up, it's dirty. Sometimes it's hooked to the wireless. Mind you, the device is locked, so no one, not even the dog, can get into it. And there's a tv remote on the keyboard. The remote is a good indication it's also is not the dog. It's Wife, who always expands to fill out all horizontal space. Then then kids eat something, which winds up on the screen, the keyboard, and the tv, which is all the way across the room.

Either that or the laptop hooks itself to the wireless and has some snacks. It's not a quantum laptop so it (probably) can't use the transporter to get food. In my house, it's a tossup between these two explanations.

• We might have a new neighbor.
• They can see through the office window. I'll probably have to restrict my pr0n to one small screen for now. Who knows how they feel about hamster pr0n.

Mrs. lefty is watching Les Miserables, making the rest of us More Miserable. I don't know what it is, but I detest musicals. And opera. And sports. And most other things. But she likes it, so it's ok. Up until she starts to explain it to me. This is when it becomes an act worthy of prosecution.

2nd District Police, Sergeant Ballzac, how can I help you?

It's my wife.

Is she missing? Dead? Does she have weapons? Has she murdered you?

No, it's worse. She has Les Miserables on.

That's not a crime, Sir.

She's explaining it to me.

We'll be right over.

The PA democratic candidate for governor, and current Lieutenant Governor, John Fetterman, neglected to disclose a heart attack and didn't follow the advice of a cardiologist. Gee, maybe the cardiologist should have mandated it. Hypocrite Fetterman.

Flying AIDS News

Dogs can detect the Flying AIDS better than PCR antigenic tests.

Can long Covid lead to death? A new analysis suggests it could

June 21 is expected start date of COVID vaccination for kids under 5

 

 

We're not going to get away from mowing. Well, I'm not going to get away from mowing, which means you aren't either. Boy does my back hurt. So long as I don't lay down, get up, sit, sneeze, reach, or carry anything, I'm ok. I'm all set to use this as an excuse not to mow, then I remember I'm the only one in the house who can.  It's not that my back's killing me, but my back's killing me. They tell me 7 is the lucky number for ibuprofen, but only with vicodin. No, wait, that's Viagra. No, it must be vicodin, because Viagra will make me hurt myself even worse. But then again, boom boom releases endorphins, the body's painkillers.... some of my friends would try both.

• Woman performing oral sex on driver causes vehicle to crash into FedEx truck, officials say
• Where, you ask? Florida, of course.
• meh - what's the worst thing that could happen? 

The Apocalypse Will Be Televised
And it will look a lot like ‘The Masked Singer’

It's funny when reality catches up with me....

And sad.

Biden urges ban on assault-style weapons and gun age limits

Wow - who saw THAT one coming?

#ImpeachBiden

Presidents and Congress have been hacking away at the Constitution for years and years. Let's make sure they get no further.

• Ringo Starr has received an honorary doctorate from the Berklee Academy of Music
• This set off a twelve hour scholarly debate on whether he was Sir Doctor Ringo Starr or Doctor Sir Ringo Starr.

Johnny Depp is playing on the rest of the Jeff Beck tour. 

blah.

Don't get me wrong- I like the guy, but he's not exactly in Jeff's league.

They may be working on an album. 

Sometimes Jeff's judgment....

Raiders of the Lost Sequels II

 

Your love is like  random STDs

It killed me when I heard stories about dads coming to all their kids' games.

Until I realized that not only didn't I have a dad, I didn't have any games.

Today I identify as  yet another Windows flaw that's being exploited NOW

But seriously, not having a father figure definitely hurt me in some ways. Definitely in sports. Kids are cruel, especially if you don't know which way to run with the ball.

Maybe that's why I picked up the guitar. They told me guitar players got all the chicks. Thirty years later, I'm still waiting for them. At least playing was something I could work on by myself, and didn't involve me hurling myself at concrete (or other players). Eventually I got onstage and discovered I loved it there. I also discovered the spotlight. The real, actual spotlight. It was so bright, I couldn't see the first row of the audience, then I couldn't see the rest of the week. First time onstage we caused a small riot in the auditorium; everybody rushed the stage. At the next school, we were two chords into the first song, and groups of teachers were fleeing the auditorium. Sometimes when I practiced at home with my trusty Marshall amp, the police would visit. At first I thought they were really into the sounds of my playing. Then they told me if I didn't turn it down, they'd help me. So I had all sorts of interesting reactions to my playing. The last place I worked had shows, and I'd run around like someone set me on fire. A coworker said, "lefty, you sure are.... different... onstage." One of my greatest compliments. This is precisely why 20 left handed guitars are not enough. Must. Have. More.

So we never had kids. We paid our debt to society. A direct quote from an old girlfriend: "I would never have your kids because they might turn out like you." Well, she had a point..... plus, let's face it... I'm not really fond of the little ankle biters. Mrs. lefty is pretty good with them, but having one was just not a good idea (she has enough internal ones). Hell, we can barely take care of ourselves. The UN had a program just for me, to make sure I didn't reproduce. I got free contraception from age 13. I still get boxes in the mail and I still can't use them right.

Which is why I have Iqbal, my service elephant. I picked him out of 20. I scanned the whole herd and as soon as our eyes met, we knew we were right for each other. Unfortunately certain businesses, especially airlines, refuse to respect service elephants. Iqbal becomes sad, then enraged. He also had to stop trumpeting because it started the dog barking, as does any loud noise. He can still play the flute, which you'd think would be handy on airplanes, although his mask is a real bastard to put on and there's always some Karen insisting he wear it.

Speaking of which, the British store Sainsbury's has denied a man entry with his service cat. Wait til they meet Iqbal...

• Ex-soldier trains shelter dogs to help veterans
• There is truly nothing like a dog 

You know my extreme dislike of government and its constant expansion. With that in mind, the White House has introduced the Department of Backpedaling. It's a very large, full time department, which spends its time walking back most of what President Taxit says. When Biden said the US would defend Taiwan if China attacked it, the Department of Backpedaling got into the fray quickly. When the president said Putin cannot remain in power as Russia's municipal lifeguard, the Department was right there. They expect to be called into action later today, when Biden gives his opening remarks about the Chinese Olympics.

Speaking of the president's random actions, he met with BTS, an Asian boy band, to tackle anti-Asian hate. Later tomorrow, he will meet with an anthill in back of the White House, to tackle ant invasions in the summertime. Later this week, he will meet with the wind to tackle hurricanes. Then he's going to Disneyland.

• Hurricane Agatha has left 11 dead and dozens missing in Mexico
• Mexico's president accepted the losses and said they're preferable to a drug cartel's aftermath 

Marjorie Taylor Greene Says Bill Gates Will Force You to Eat Burgers Made in a ‘Peach Tree Dish’

I don't know who is safer to be near; Gates or Greene 

• 15,000 Pounds of Delicious Hot Dog Filler Spill in Highway Crash
• "It tastes much better with the road debris," said a passerby....

California parents could soon sue for social media addiction

Because certain things have no place in school and parents are against taking responsibility for raising their own rug rats. When asked, parents said, "Just a minute, I'm tweeting."

Automatic trash continues. It's where the trashcans return themselves to their normal positions after the trash trucks come around. The thing is, there's still one can left on the curb. We don't know why.

Speaking of automatic, the new mower has arrived. I'm excited because it's blue. She's excited because it's power-assist. I'm unhappy because it's a mower. I'm also unhappy because it won't power-assist itself out of the fscking box. It's heavy.

What might be cool is an automatic power-assist remote hybrid. You sit in a comfortable chair with a joystick and direct the mowing. It would be like some sort of retarded satanic virtually real reality video game.

So what have we here? 

A large instruction manual. In many languages, because I'm multi-lingual. It's written for normals, so I have trouble. Can't even get the bastard going. Ah, the upper treadle mannisquire is obviously askew and won't engage the safety bypass, disallowing operation. After yanking the stupid arms up, I'm faced with the starting procedure. I haven't had a car that took this many steps to start. Hold the blue button with your left arm or your penis, whichever is closer, but hold it from underneath the poles. Then pull the lever. Oh, did you remember to charge the batteries first? Yes, batteries. This buggy is serious. They shoulda put a car battery in it. Although my experience with car batteries leaves me thankful they put rechargables in. The batteries are 24 volts, as if this matters. It's the current, not the voltage, but ad claims are ad claims, like the 1200a vacuums.

Somehow, by grand mistake or incredible coincidence, I get the bugger started. It cuts the grass, which is my main objective. Eventually I figure out the self-propelled feature... it engages via yet another lever (next to the spinning blade). VOOM - the sucker takes off. It's probably not a good thing to have to race your mower across the lawn. Somehow this is not what I imagined. The old mower only did 13" and you could throw it across the street. This one does a manly 21" and you can barely push it.  Somehow the tradeoff will not work for Mrs. lefty, who enjoys mowing (!!!) but can't push (or pull).  I have to admit I used the propelled feature to help out. The machine is also unstoppable. It breezed right through the forest that tried to eat the dog the other day. This would have stopped the old mower completely. I think it ate a few trees that used to annoy me.

It came with a grass catcher bag but I'm not sure why. Who in their right mind, or wrong mind, wants to collect the mowed grass? What do you do with it - donate it to people with no lawn? Plus you have to empty the thing whenever it gets full. It's just another annoyance, like listening to people tell you about the DeppHeard trial. There's a reason 'mow' rhymes with 'no'.

By the time it was done, I was impressed, but more importantly, crippled and sweating, like a good-looking hetero guy at the Pride parade. I slammed some Coke and took up position in front of a fan for an hour or two. I further proved that I can nap under any circumstances.

• Turkey wants to be called Türkiye as part of a campaign launched by its president.
• The president wants to reassure you that all the torture and illegal activities will continue unabated.

America was thinking of rebranding as Amerikur until it realized that the UK already pronounces it that way

Brazil considered Brasil, then was told it's already spelled that way sometimes

To escape their violent reputation, Mexico will rebrand as France

Two Scottish referees just came out as gay.

The rest of the world listened to the announcement and said, "Huh?"

But seriously, if people are this focused on referees, the leaders have done a fantastic job of redirection.