Raiders of the Lost Sequels II

 

Your love is like  random STDs

It killed me when I heard stories about dads coming to all their kids' games.

Until I realized that not only didn't I have a dad, I didn't have any games.

Today I identify as  yet another Windows flaw that's being exploited NOW

But seriously, not having a father figure definitely hurt me in some ways. Definitely in sports. Kids are cruel, especially if you don't know which way to run with the ball.

Maybe that's why I picked up the guitar. They told me guitar players got all the chicks. Thirty years later, I'm still waiting for them. At least playing was something I could work on by myself, and didn't involve me hurling myself at concrete (or other players). Eventually I got onstage and discovered I loved it there. I also discovered the spotlight. The real, actual spotlight. It was so bright, I couldn't see the first row of the audience, then I couldn't see the rest of the week. First time onstage we caused a small riot in the auditorium; everybody rushed the stage. At the next school, we were two chords into the first song, and groups of teachers were fleeing the auditorium. Sometimes when I practiced at home with my trusty Marshall amp, the police would visit. At first I thought they were really into the sounds of my playing. Then they told me if I didn't turn it down, they'd help me. So I had all sorts of interesting reactions to my playing. The last place I worked had shows, and I'd run around like someone set me on fire. A coworker said, "lefty, you sure are.... different... onstage." One of my greatest compliments. This is precisely why 20 left handed guitars are not enough. Must. Have. More.

So we never had kids. We paid our debt to society. A direct quote from an old girlfriend: "I would never have your kids because they might turn out like you." Well, she had a point..... plus, let's face it... I'm not really fond of the little ankle biters. Mrs. lefty is pretty good with them, but having one was just not a good idea (she has enough internal ones). Hell, we can barely take care of ourselves. The UN had a program just for me, to make sure I didn't reproduce. I got free contraception from age 13. I still get boxes in the mail and I still can't use them right.

Which is why I have Iqbal, my service elephant. I picked him out of 20. I scanned the whole herd and as soon as our eyes met, we knew we were right for each other. Unfortunately certain businesses, especially airlines, refuse to respect service elephants. Iqbal becomes sad, then enraged. He also had to stop trumpeting because it started the dog barking, as does any loud noise. He can still play the flute, which you'd think would be handy on airplanes, although his mask is a real bastard to put on and there's always some Karen insisting he wear it.

Speaking of which, the British store Sainsbury's has denied a man entry with his service cat. Wait til they meet Iqbal...

• Ex-soldier trains shelter dogs to help veterans
• There is truly nothing like a dog 

You know my extreme dislike of government and its constant expansion. With that in mind, the White House has introduced the Department of Backpedaling. It's a very large, full time department, which spends its time walking back most of what President Taxit says. When Biden said the US would defend Taiwan if China attacked it, the Department of Backpedaling got into the fray quickly. When the president said Putin cannot remain in power as Russia's municipal lifeguard, the Department was right there. They expect to be called into action later today, when Biden gives his opening remarks about the Chinese Olympics.

Speaking of the president's random actions, he met with BTS, an Asian boy band, to tackle anti-Asian hate. Later tomorrow, he will meet with an anthill in back of the White House, to tackle ant invasions in the summertime. Later this week, he will meet with the wind to tackle hurricanes. Then he's going to Disneyland.

• Hurricane Agatha has left 11 dead and dozens missing in Mexico
• Mexico's president accepted the losses and said they're preferable to a drug cartel's aftermath 

Marjorie Taylor Greene Says Bill Gates Will Force You to Eat Burgers Made in a ‘Peach Tree Dish’

I don't know who is safer to be near; Gates or Greene 

• 15,000 Pounds of Delicious Hot Dog Filler Spill in Highway Crash
• "It tastes much better with the road debris," said a passerby....

California parents could soon sue for social media addiction

Because certain things have no place in school and parents are against taking responsibility for raising their own rug rats. When asked, parents said, "Just a minute, I'm tweeting."

Automatic trash continues. It's where the trashcans return themselves to their normal positions after the trash trucks come around. The thing is, there's still one can left on the curb. We don't know why.

Speaking of automatic, the new mower has arrived. I'm excited because it's blue. She's excited because it's power-assist. I'm unhappy because it's a mower. I'm also unhappy because it won't power-assist itself out of the fscking box. It's heavy.

What might be cool is an automatic power-assist remote hybrid. You sit in a comfortable chair with a joystick and direct the mowing. It would be like some sort of retarded satanic virtually real reality video game.

So what have we here? 

A large instruction manual. In many languages, because I'm multi-lingual. It's written for normals, so I have trouble. Can't even get the bastard going. Ah, the upper treadle mannisquire is obviously askew and won't engage the safety bypass, disallowing operation. After yanking the stupid arms up, I'm faced with the starting procedure. I haven't had a car that took this many steps to start. Hold the blue button with your left arm or your penis, whichever is closer, but hold it from underneath the poles. Then pull the lever. Oh, did you remember to charge the batteries first? Yes, batteries. This buggy is serious. They shoulda put a car battery in it. Although my experience with car batteries leaves me thankful they put rechargables in. The batteries are 24 volts, as if this matters. It's the current, not the voltage, but ad claims are ad claims, like the 1200a vacuums.

Somehow, by grand mistake or incredible coincidence, I get the bugger started. It cuts the grass, which is my main objective. Eventually I figure out the self-propelled feature... it engages via yet another lever (next to the spinning blade). VOOM - the sucker takes off. It's probably not a good thing to have to race your mower across the lawn. Somehow this is not what I imagined. The old mower only did 13" and you could throw it across the street. This one does a manly 21" and you can barely push it.  Somehow the tradeoff will not work for Mrs. lefty, who enjoys mowing (!!!) but can't push (or pull).  I have to admit I used the propelled feature to help out. The machine is also unstoppable. It breezed right through the forest that tried to eat the dog the other day. This would have stopped the old mower completely. I think it ate a few trees that used to annoy me.

It came with a grass catcher bag but I'm not sure why. Who in their right mind, or wrong mind, wants to collect the mowed grass? What do you do with it - donate it to people with no lawn? Plus you have to empty the thing whenever it gets full. It's just another annoyance, like listening to people tell you about the DeppHeard trial. There's a reason 'mow' rhymes with 'no'.

By the time it was done, I was impressed, but more importantly, crippled and sweating, like a good-looking hetero guy at the Pride parade. I slammed some Coke and took up position in front of a fan for an hour or two. I further proved that I can nap under any circumstances.

• Turkey wants to be called Türkiye as part of a campaign launched by its president.
• The president wants to reassure you that all the torture and illegal activities will continue unabated.

America was thinking of rebranding as Amerikur until it realized that the UK already pronounces it that way

Brazil considered Brasil, then was told it's already spelled that way sometimes

To escape their violent reputation, Mexico will rebrand as France

Two Scottish referees just came out as gay.

The rest of the world listened to the announcement and said, "Huh?"

But seriously, if people are this focused on referees, the leaders have done a fantastic job of redirection.