Giddyup There, Emotional Support Elephant

 

Your love is like  poison ivy

The tiny mites that have sex on our faces have a problem

Quite frankly, if I'm not having sex, the mites won't be either...

Today I identify as  a #3 pencil

HER: I'm thinking of taking some time off .. to find myself.

HIM: I could save you some time.

HER: How?

HIM: Check the shoe stores

Kazakh Govt. Used Spyware Against Protesters

Another way to spy on you, my pretty - it's not just Kazakh...  

TEACHER: Johnny, use 'hankerin' in a sentence

JOHNNY: I got me a hankerin' to use the word hankerin'

US defence contractor in talks to take over NSO Group’s hacking technology

Wow - we're privatizing spying!

fyi, while most government agencies are subject to information requests, private companies aren't.

• New Documents Detail Harrowing Crisis in Which Workers Were Trapped in Chocolate Sludge
• this sounds like the way I'd go...

Samsung caught cheating in TV benchmarks, promises software update

Samsung is an early competitor for Corporate Evil, against Microsoft and Google. They are the 5,000lb gorilla in smartphones, throttle some phone apps, require you to sign up to be spied on or you can't watch your tv, and now cheat on benchmarks. I've about had it with them.

Samsung fined $14 million for misleading smartphone water resistance claims

They might as well be Faceyspaces..

• The FDA has ordered Juul e-cigarettes to be pulled from shelves, over the appeal of its nicotine products to minors.

• Ummmmm.... alcohol and cigarettes, anybody? What about their appeal to minors (and majors)? Total hypocrisy.  Drink responsibly! 

Tesla has been off the blog lately, so here's some news:

NHTSA data shows Teslas using Autopilot crashed 273 times in less than a year 

--> probably operator error

So a Tesla gets totaled and is sitting in the junkyard for three weeks.

What happens? It spontaneously combusts.

I'm telling you, Musk needs to put a fire extinguisher in each car. He can even charge extra for it.

Impact of reading about climate science goes away almost instantly

Hey, don't blame people, blame climate science. If you talk about climate science's impact on pr0n, people will remember it and be able to talk about it intelligently. This is how your early teachers became your favorites: they made things interesting (hopefully not using pr0n). 

Today we are going to discuss the GPA of the Big 27 colleges.

hold me back 

The Big 27 are Temple, Penn State, Harvard, Yale, Berkeley.......

yawn....

Idaho Community College, Bob's Cooking College...

somebody please wake me when this is over...

 Hollywood School of Pr0n

My parents paid a lot of money for my education. Maybe I should stay awake. 

 The real surprise here is not that this is specific to climate science: it's specific to everything! We have the short-term memory of gnats and the long-term memory of Alzheimer's research.

PANDEMIC(S)

How hiring the wrong medical “expert” derailed US pandemic response

Monkeypox spreading via direct, physical contact, CDC says as US cases hit 45

• New White House partnership aims to speed construction of offshore wind farms
• ...which fired off a 16 hour talk with Biden, who thought wind farm was a magical place you grow wind, like at Disneyland... or Congress.

As a man, I'm proud to say I can operate a washer and dryer. All except the washer we have. It's computer-controlled and has a huge LCD display that tells you stuff. Unfortunately, none of the stuff is very interesting to me and Wife does the laundry, so I haven't operated it yet.

Yet.  [suspenseful music]

I have run entire corporate networks that were easier to operate than this washer. First of all, it has a power switch. Second of all, Wife is away and I need to do laundry NOW.

[on phone]

Honey, remember that white load?

Yes.

Have you seen it?

Ooh, sorry, I took it downstairs but haven't gotten around to it yet.

In a week?

Sorry, I got distracted.

Lots of shiny objects?

You know me so well.

Do I have to put in a reservation to get wash done? The socks are starting to talk and the darks have fallen over on the dog and won't let her out. I'll do anything I can to help. Just don't make me use the washer.

I'm really sorry... it's just that this seminar on back pain and nose hair is so interesting.

Is there a causal relationship?

They seem to exist concurrently. More research is needed. I bought you another 11-pack of socks.

Yeah, I wore them after the previous 11-pack. I don't think it's cheaper to buy socks than to wash them. Plus we need a large dump truck to get them from the hamper to the washer.

I have a theory. Normal people lose single socks. We lose them in pairs.

At least we're consistent. About the wash...?

Ok, take the phone to the washer and we'll do Virtual Laundry.

What's Virtual Laundry?

I'll tell you what to do and you do it.

That sounds more like marriage than laundry. Although it's easier on your back.

Ok, put the socks in the washer.

You might not believe this, but I already had that bit figured out.

Did you close the door?

Nah, I figured I'd wash the floor too.

Ok, pull out the drawer.

On my desk?

No, on the washer, silly.

WHAT drawer?

Look for a handle.

Ok, got it.

Now put the laundry detergent in.

[looking at 11 bottles of various laundry stuff on washer] Is it "Bob's Liquid Death?"

No, that's tomorrow's dinner.

Then where's the laundry detergent.

On the dryer.

Ah, I see. I should have looked there automatically.

Put it in the drawer.

There are 4 receptacles - which one would you like me to use?

The big one.

How much?

About a cup.

NO. Tell me how much to fill it. I am not measuring. These are socks.

Ok, fill it most of the way. Then put in the fabric softener.

Is that the blue bottle that says "Retro-Soft - just like yo mama used"?

No, it's on the dryer.

I really should have known that.  What are the other 11 bottles of stuff on the washer?

Oh, that's Special Stuff.

I'm going to suspend disbelief and stop right there. There are 3 more containers for the fabric softener - which one?

It should say on them.

I can't see my hand in front of my face in this room. Bulbs are cheap, you know.

But not if you don't put them up, like I've been asking for the past year. Try the one on the right.

Touche. And damn if'n I haven't made a right mess of pouring that stuff. I guess the socks will be extra soft. Or something.

It's going to ask you what setting.

Well, it had better hurry because I can't see the display. Hey, this looks like a power switch - how about if I push it?

You didn't push it yet?

You didn't tell me to.

It will ask you for a setting. Try.... no... not that one...  just leave it as-is.

But won't it be mad at me for not following directions? It might turn the socks green or something.

No, just push the GO button.

There's no button called GO. Is it on the dryer?

It's on the right.

The right of what?  Oh, it looks like a GO button from an audio player. Even I recognize that.  Will you call me back later so I can put the socks in the dryer?

WASH: easy enough for a man.