After 12 Hours, Your Crotch Smells a 6 on a scale of 10

Don't ask me - I didn't write that. That's the claim of the alleged doctor, trying to sell some cream that makes your crotch, and other parts of you, not stink. You know, that annoying commercial that looks like it was shot with an old cell phone. Whoever came up with this idea for a commercial was completely under the influence of something and was mostly joking.

In related news, we escaped from the house last weekend. This is never good news, and it had been weeks since the last time, so I was a bit.... prickly...  from not getting out for a few weeks.

We found the one mall that wasn't half empty of stores, due to the Flying AIDS. We have no idea why, but it was good to see. Unfortunately we were there to eat first, so we went to the place with the cheesecake. They told us it would be 30 minutes' wait. I told them no, it wouldn't, and walked.  I shouldn't have to wait 30 minutes, especially when it's not mealtime and anyone with halfway decent vision could see the many tables that were waiting for customers. 

Then we walked to the 'food court.' Cajun Asian food? A Philly steak place in Philly? A closed Chik-Filet (because Jesus didn't eat chicken on Sundays). It was pretty miserable. A salad store? ACK! Oh wait, a brewery.. it was supposed to have good food, and we don't drink beer at all, so it was perfect. And when I say perfect, I mean we waited by several entrances and nobody could be bothered to greet or seat. I guess they were too busy for customers.

Our final hope was Friday's. I've had ok food at Friday's, so we went there, with great hope. Of course with great hope comes great expectations and with great expectations comes great disappointments; they were closed. How many large chain restaurants are closed? It looked dusty in the windows, like they were getting ready for Halloween, but we feared it hadn't been open since last Halloween.

My powers are great and they're back! I can halt all customer service and entire businesses by merely showing up.  The power is awesome, but with great power comes great responsibility. Local restaurants as well as national chains pay me not to come anywhere near their businesses, so they'll stay open. I don't really work in IT security....

So we went to our favorite diner, where I have no apparent effect on the service. Perhaps because there are never any other customers there.  I wonder if that's my fault too....

Q. How do you know you're in trouble purchasing Eeyore merchandise?

A. The attractive foreign girl at the kiosk asks, "What [is] Eeyore?"

Have you ever had to describe a depressed purple cartoon donkey to anyone? 

 

Across Israel, Jews and Arabs Join Forces to Help War Victims and Prevent Riots

It's not the people - it's their alleged 'leaders'. With exceptions, nobody's looking to kill civilians. I think people should get day jobs that they share with the 'other side.' You'd be surprised how well they work together and don't want to kill each other.

The people mentioned above are living their religion and morals.  Do not kill. Help others.

 

The Mormons were around last Saturday.

My friends wanted to know if I answered the door naked, or with a leather outfit.

Neither.

You gotta feel sorry for people whose religion has 'rules' that not only get you up early Sunday, you also have to get up early Saturday and knock on doors of people, none of whom want to see you. Maybe they weren't Mormons - they were definitely trying to look hip. How many hip Mormons do you know? They even had black Mormons. Most of the door-knockers had t-shirts that said 'At least we're not Scientologists'.

• The Phillies once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory and managed to lose. My friend says she's a lifelong Philly fan, so she's used to loss. As the AntiSports, I cackle and move on.

surveillance world

• ICE Uses Tool To Find 'Derogatory' Speech Online   Ze Fuhrer vill decide
• Oops! Google Search caught publicly indexing users’ conversations with Bard AI
• A Key US Government Surveillance Tool Should Face New Limits, a Divided Privacy Oversight Board Says
• UK passport images database could be used to catch shoplifters
• ICE, CBP, Secret Service All Illegally Used Smartphone Location Data
• Chinese citizens feel their government is doing such a fine job with surveillance

--Americans do too, the difference being the Chinese government is SUPPOSED to spy on its citizens

There are LEAVES on my lawn 

I sure as hell didn't put them there.  Last time I looked, the grass was there.

You see, leaves are the final stage of mowing, the thing I hate most.

The dear departed Crazy Lady next door went to war with me about raking leaves. I hope she doesn't come back to haunt me, this being Halloween and all....

This is the back yard; the dog's personal bathroom. I look at it every day, several times, because she has to go out there. Since the weather got ugly(er), the grass was alerted to stop growing. Well, the grass out back... the grass in front ignores any seasonal cues and grows, just to spite me. And when I say grass, I mean weeds. I mow and within 2 days, the weeds are taller than the grass. Within a few more days, it has to be mowed again. I know it's personal and I never get over it. I remember previous Halloweens where the grass needed to be cut (excuse me, the weeds). 

After the final stage of mowing, the actual final stage will arrive. This takes  the form of Wife and me arguing about raking leaves. The dog's bathroom is full of leaves but I don't see any reason to rake them. It's not a public walkway and involves lots of raking, putting the little bastards in huge bags (the leaves, not the kids), then towing the bags out front. It's too much work and I see no benefit, aside from the cessation  of the screaming, so there's that.

Halloween itself is an interesting time of the year. It's getting colder (it was in the 70s last week, so it's 40 today). It's time when parents dress their kids in some crappy old outfit that no one can guess, then bus them into our neighborhood, where they heard we give out good candy, or we give out full size candy bars. I don't care which, I just find it a little annoying. Our neighborhood seems to be mostly dogs and their people; I can go days without seeing a child. Yet on Halloween, there are tons of kids. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of them (I just found out this is not a universal phrase - people, I don't swing dead cats, it's a figure of speech). 

Due to Supply Chain Issues, the candy got smaller and the cost doubled.

One of us is really fond of the holiday... really fond. You could guess, and you would be correct, that it's the one of us who likes kids. You know, the one who doesn't author this blog. The problem is that she isn't always around, having made some incredible excuse as to why she couldn't participate this year (sudden fear of children, no dead cats to swing, forgot to get candy..), so I get left holding the (empty) bag, which should be full of enough candy to withstand the busing and a few months' supply of candy. Since the timing is inconvenient and there's pr0n on the net, and since I don't like kids, I put the candy in a huge bowl and let the little bastards children pick their favorites. From time to time I refill the bowl. This absolves me of responsibility for Halloween and allows me to get back to Important Stuff<tm>. Then we both get to eat the leftovers, provided they're not lollipops, gummy dead animals, anything that even looks like fruit, or diet chocolate. Have you ever had dietetic chocolate? You bite into it, expecting the glorious chocolate goodness, then all of the sudden, you realize someone has tried to poison you. If you're still alive you ask why there isn't a HUGE yellow label on the box, that says WARNING - THIS IS DIETETIC CANDY - THERE IS NO SUGAR - DO NOT EAT! Then you dispose of them after consulting the HAZMAT people for proper disposal instructions. It turns out the precautions for disposing of dietetic candy are more stringent than for disposal of spent nuclear rods.

To my surprise, Wife has come up with yet another original excuse for missing Halloween (parents in hospital, need to stay in the will), so it's just me. Again.

The problem here, aside from my severe dislike for holidays, weeds, and people, is that there's no candy. This tends to loom large on this holiday. Why, you ask, isn't there any candy? Good question.

THE CAR HAS A FLAT.

Of course it does. We've had it for years and only $10k in body damage, but never a flat. 

We even have a donut (or something... it's covered by Stuff and I refuse to deal with it when I'm working) so somebody called the service with a lot of A's in it. This is not always a good idea. We knew this wasn't going to be a delightful experience when they wanted to tow the car to the AAA garage 30 minutes away. Not to make waves or anything, but why not the one around the corner, where they towed it last time?  "Oh, we don't have a listing for that." Imagine that... well I don't have a listing for patience.

 A few hours later, Junior left us a message. This is a futile endeavor. SOMEBODY (the dog?) left a house phone out back. While the grass might have stopped growing, the weather continued.  Surprisingly, the phone worked when brought inside, covered with a towel, fed it coffee, and sung to it. It only had a problem when we went to actually dial. SO, soon we'll have our 4th wireless phone in 1 year.  Where was the 2nd handset? Nobody knows, but it definitely wasn't near the one out back, that's for sure.  Where is Mrs. lefty's cell phone? Over there. It won't charge. Ok, use my phone.... just don't tell anybody to call back because it refuses any number not in the address book. Naturally Junior called back on my phone. So I called him, waited the standard 45 minutes for his workmates to find him, and got.... hold on... surprise! I got his voicemail. 6 hours later I called again, pretending I didn't know his name and asking for status (this way always works). The flat, with free towing, was going to cost about $700.

I know for a fact that the car found out the guitar show is this weekend. There's no other explanation for it developing problems. My house, car, and family are all in it together, to deprive me of more guitars and guitar-related equipment. I want to be fair - when you replace a tire, you should replace the other one too, get it aligned, then fly in a bishop to bless it and sign off on the work. I don't trust AAA mechanics - and sure enough, there were additional charges, like warranties, nose-picking charge, FAA charges, and something about safe disposal of dietetic candy charges. After this bout of sticker shock, we thought we were done. You're fsking kidding me, right? It needed brakes and a left handed smokeshifter, along with a left handed catcher's mitt.  I'll let you guess which of these items doesn't exist.

And after the regulation 27 hour period to complete any job at all, including filling a tire with air, off Wife goes to visit sick parents in hospital. And I'm stranded, without candy, and filled with remorse that I'm depriving the little children out of the Holiday Experience<tm>. Maybe next year, they won't bus the kids in.

Wait, but Wait Very Quickly

Your love is like   chocolate-covered mud

Hacker leaks millions of new 23andMe genetic data profiles

23andMe asked the FBI why they would hack 23, when 23 gave them everything they asked for, without even a warrant.

Google Meet adds skin smoothing and teeth whitening effects for video calls

Microsoft Teams is competing by adding bigger boobs and plastic surgery for video calls.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow says nepo baby label is an 'ugly moniker'

The woman who gave us vagina-scented candles (her scent?) and won a suit against an old guy she ran over on the slopes, has returned to complain about another hastily made-up term.

Given my policy about fairness, I will readily admit she's a very pretty woman, even at her age, and without any visible evidence of lips. Also to be fair, Hillary Clinton eats babies, but Gwyneth only harvests them and runs them in an intravenous solution (not as crunchy this way).

But all of us need to be fair here, and consider Gywmeth's burden (soon to be made into a movie, called Gwyneth's Burden). Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be Gwyneth? Never mind the billions of people who want to be her or the thousands of people who regularly break into her house to marry her and live happily ever after, with 2.5 children and a dog. And Jodie Foster. Gwyneth is what is medically referred to as Offended in Perpetuity; meaning she is always offended about something or other. It could be major or minor, but when she becomes offended, it becomes major, especially to her 14 trillion followers on X. I'll tell you a secret: Gwyneth is only on X because she's secretly in love with its owner, Elon Musk. Elon has no idea, which is a phrase often used in describing him.

Please take a moment to consider her plight. You can't always simply wake up Offended, unless you're Greta Thunberg, who's about to be jailed for life under the 27 Strikes program. Gwyneth has to get up, first thing in the morning, and check her RSS news feeds, of which there are 776. One needs a lot of input to discover all the possibilities of things to be Offended by. It doesn't happen all by itself, although her people are working on an AI solution. You have to have an AI solution for everything, or nobody takes you seriously.

So next time you find yourself blowing off the rich and entitled, first walk a mile in their Jimmy Choos.

Most of us in Corporate USA are besieged with meetings. Morning meetings, wrapup meetings, meetings to go over what we went over in the last meeting; it is truly the 7th level of hell. Imagine my shock when I found out Microsoft's new AI assistant can go to meetings for you! Do you have any idea the time you'd save if you didn't have to go to meetings. Let's face it - apes with crayons could take our places in meetings and draw up the important parts of the meeting in under 4 seconds. The only problem with this solution is that you'd be left with lots of free time. If the people who run the meetings find out you have free time, there will be meetings about what to do with your free time. Even Satan himself doesn't do meetings. With all this new free time, you'd probably be expected to produce something (other than web surfing logs to .xxx domains). 

City of Philadelphia discloses data breach after five months

Philthydelphia really jumps on it. The problem was differentiating a breach from 'normal' corruption.

Anyone who reads this blog, as well as many people in padded rooms, know that my house is either haunted or infested with aliens. Of course it's probably better to be infested with aliens than infested with the likes of us, but who's counting. The latest area with paranormal activity in the bathroom. Most 'normal' people have semi-clean bathrooms that function strictly as bathrooms. Not me, of course. Even if we ignore the Tartar Sauce Incident, this month's malady is one of slightly larger proportions. It encompasses actual use/flow/tai-chi/fungu of said room. As I said, you all probably have regular old bathrooms, except for the one dear genius friend with the bidet. But even with a bidet, that bathroom is perfectly functional.. not so with mine. You see, there is always something strategically blocking some important function from functioning. Most times it's the sink; if it's clean in the morning, by the afternoon, there's a large shipping box and some false teeth sitting there, so I can't wash my hands. This is rather a problem, given the other function of the bathroom. 

Yesterday morning I found several 4' (357 litres Canadian) stuffed animals in the sink. The doctors tell me to wait a moment, breathe deeply, then take the sledgehammer in front of the toilet and hit myself with it, vigorously. But the aliens were way ahead of me; the sledgehammer was missing. Who doesn't have a 30lb (38 kilometres Canadian) sledge in front of their toilet? I was feeling mighty inadequate at that moment. Guys - I'm sure you can understand my shame. That afternoon I walked into the bathroom and there was not a single item in the sink - not even a small foreign car! I made sure to thank the aliens out loud, for keeping the sink clean so I could.... get this... wash my hands in it. Then I went to the toilet and once again, there was no sledgehammer. It had been replaced by a wheelie fridge carrier, which took up all the space between the toilet and the counter. As if that weren't enough, there was a huge L-shaped box that sat on the carrier and made a left turn to cover the entire toilet. SO yes, I could wash my hands, but I couldn't get them dirty first. And who among us doesn't have a wheelie dolly fridge carrier in their bathroom and 40 assorted kinds of poisonous plants in the sink? It's almost as if the bathroom is in denial.... it always wanted to be a storage room or workshop. In fact, it now identifies as a storage room, and the Housing Authority says we must recognize its wishes and treat it as a storage room. So now I piss in corner of the storage room.

Industry united in push to extend ban on human spaceflight regulations

Look at how that worked out for the Titan..

Today's best headline, soon to be made into this year's Disney hit family movie! 

Stench leads officials to 189 rotting corpses at taxidermist’s funeral home

Let's suspend disbelief for a moment, and say it is normal to keep 189 corpses around the house. What kind of thought process does not provide for refrigeration? And no, burning the place down does not count as cremation.

Emily Blunt sorry for 'hurtful' comments in resurfaced video

She referred to a waitress as 'enormous.' BFD.  These are the same SJWs who get outraged when you describe someone having black skin as 'black.'

 

Addicted to Shovels

Your love is like  a vacation on the Sunny Gaza Strip

Someone recently gave me some packs of Fritos. I forgot how much I liked them. And how bad they are for you. So I'm sitting here, shoveling them into my face. I have to keep stopping to type a word or 2. When these are done, I promise to go back to my other problem, British Toffee Oreos. They literally crunch when you eat them. I have to get my jollies somewhere.

Excel Hell II: If the sickness can't be fixed, it must be contained

If you have ever used Excel, you will fully grok this article

Apropos of nothing, there are a few free, open source office suites that work on all operating systems.

Check out LibreOffice.

I've mostly loved my jobs; I've been very fortunate.

UNfortunately, the current job experience is fraying a bit at the edges, like dealing with Hamas.

It's not that it's upsetting my entire group, but we're being encouraged to drink on company time.

I had a conversation with my boss....  (boss in italics)

Good morning.

Good morning.

When there is a large failure, it's always good to have a post mortem, to figure out what failed and how we can prevent it next time, if there IS a next time. It's like an autopsy, hopefully without all the body fluids, but I can't make any promises.

This is a good idea.

So, let's begin at the beginning.

Right.

Box Number One.

Yes.

It was found to be costing us more than the gross domestic product of Europe.

Yes.

So the new guy, anxious to prove himself, decided to kill Box Number One, even though it does everything we want and has been working well for years.

Yes.

And he wasn't specific about its replacement, or if there would be a replacement.

Exactly.

Well, who needs entire departments devoted to security? Give them an abacus and let them work it out.

Exactly.

Then somebody remembered cheaper software, which became Box Number Two.

Yes.

Our department was given 30 days to learn, install, and operate Box Number Two.

We were.

And on the 27th day, we were notified that we were no longer using Box Number Two, nor the unbelievably huge amount squandered on training.

Yes.

Why did Box Number Two stop all of the sudden?

Marketing.

Marketing?

Marketing.

What about Marketing?

They didn't like it.

Hang on.. Marketing didn't like security software and thusly it was terminated?

Yes.

Since when does Marketing have a say in securing the corporation?

Since now, apparently.

I fear there is a Box Number Three.

You betcha.

And since no one asked us, how did we wind up with it?

Janitorial.

Janitorial made the security decision?

Yes.

I think I liked it better when Marketing was making the security decisions.

I have to tell you something in confidence....

Oh dear lord, there's more?

It gets better.

It couldn't.

We're looking at Box Number Four.

Why, oh why?

The guys who hold the door open when we enter the building were very unhappy with Box Number Three.

So let me see if I understand... we have but a few days to self-study up on Box Number Three and be all excited about it and get it working, knowing full well that Box Number Four is in the pipeline.

You got it.

Why don't we just skip Box Number Three and study up on Box Number Four?

We can't announce Box Number Four until we get sign-off from the people who raise and lower the flag every day.

I was hired in security.

Me too. I'm your boss, remember? 

I am reminded daily. Ever since I got here, our bosses and other departments have made the major decisions for us.

Yes.

I had a high school teacher.

How long did it take him to kill himself? 

He lasted quite a while, surprisingly. He had a very scientific process for grading tests. He'd take the pile of tests and throw them down the steps. The tests that landed on the floor got an A. The tests that landed on the first step got a B, and so forth.

Sounds fair.

We are trained security professionals, yet no one has asked for our input into our own gear.

Yes.

These were also the people who killed the weekend shift because hackers don't work on weekends.

Yup.

Ya know, I think the only decent decision anyone has made is the recommendation to drink during work.

Agreed, shall we? 

We don't normally drink, so make mine a triple.

The EPA wanted all water systems to have cybersecurity testing, to make sure we're safe in case anybody tries to hack water systems. The idea is so solid and brilliant that there was no way the industry or the republican states would have any of it. Legal warfare happened, and as a result, water remains potentially insecure. Yay!  I've been warning about electricity and water for years. I'm right most of the time, but I'd be ok taking a hit here (you republican and industry idiots).

We've really had enough of the constant grief and aggravation at ThermionicMansion. Most who know us just shake their heads and ask what happened this time. We successfully made it through the dog's platelet emergency and she looks quite well. Last night she couldn't get up on the bed. She gets up on the couch fine, but the bed's taller. I don't even want to think about this. She's only about 11.  It's not that we love our dogs, but how many other people have portable steps to get on the bed for when the dog has trouble? And don't give me any of that crap about dogs sleeping in beds, you nazis. All 4 of them have and didn't mess anything up. World Peace<tm> would be more likely than separating a dog from her mommy. Mommy lays down, dog lays down.

In other news, last night I told the dog to go get one of her toys. She thought about it a second and got one of her toys. This is not a command or anything we taught her. It was impressive, but she can no longer play stupid when I tell her to take out the trash. Which reminds me... it's trash night. I can tell the weather without looking out the window... since it's trash night, it's raining. Someone gets a kick out of watching me haul the cans out and cursing the weather, getting drenched in the process. I'm putting a GoFundMe together to get us a climate. One that isn't covered by clouds 90% of the time.

It's Annoying Sports Time. By this I mean any time anybody's excited about the local sports teams. As if that weren't enough, two of our teams are doing well, presumably in different sports. I'd gotten good at identifying the sport, but it went to hell when I stopped watching tv. The kids were watching something and I noticed the program was infested with commercials. Mrs. lefty said that's perfectly normal. Oh, dear, I certainly miss tv. The worst of it was the news. They spent the first 10 minutes of news dealing with sports. It's certainly a good thing nothing else was going on in the world and cancer had been cured. There are stories about which areas of the city are having people catcher rails delivered. I thought sports fans only rioted downtown (and turned vans over). They just piss at the stadiums and homes around it whenever there's a game. The first time we won something, the yahoos were climbing the light poles. I was not amused, until other fans started making targets of them by throwing beer cans. The next time they greased the poles. For some reason this stopped no one. This year I suggested electrifying the light poles, but as usual, nobody listened to me. 

My coworkers were very upset when they tried baiting me about the local team. I agreed with them. They stopped baiting me. I'm for anything that doesn't result in trashing cars and light poles.

• Lastly, we bid a fond farewell to Singapore, which visited in throngs and pushed the stats way up. Thanks for the hits. And thank you, loyal readers.

I Smell Nap

Your love is like  

Keith Richards: Arthritis changed my guitar-playing

Clapton has arthritis too. It's a crime.

People pick on Keith, but I aspire to be Keith. No, not the sheer amount of heroin ingested.. I want to make it to my 80s, playing guitar with arguably the most famous rock and roll band ever. If you ever doubt this, look at his face when he plays. He's got a huge smile; what more can anybody want out of life?  Well, he has a smile and more vintage guitars and amps than God.

• Still no Left Handed History Month....

People tell me I complain too much about the rain here, where England called and said it wants its weather back. Well, perhaps people would complain if anybody talked to me. With a fun fall fair this Saturday, Wife let me know it would rain this Saturday, like it has most recent Saturdays. I don't complain for no reason, not that it wouldn't be fun. Why Saturdays? Maybe because rain's just a throw of the dice every day here, where Seattle called and is jealous. Arizona called and laughed hysterically. Texas was laughing so hard, it couldn't pick up the phone to call. There were actually LIS (Laughter Induced Spasms). We are the tropical rainforest of Pennsylvania. It's very sunny and nice today, but that's because the weather knows we have nothing to do after work and is just mocking us.

Just yesterday I saw 2 occurrences of sun. They were swiftly and violently dealt with.

• Something came up the other day and I thought my mom would like it. Then I stopped short, realizing the call would be long distance, incredibly so. Guess I'll have to get used to that....

I just read a short story about defining moments in life. 

I'm trying to remember if I had any...by definition I had to....

1. first kiss and boom-boom, the girl who introduced me
2. graduating from taking apart vacuums to taking apart computers
3. adopting Joe Cocker Spaniel
4. discovering activities involving a dwarf, chandelier, donkey, and chocolate pudding

Send me a comment with a few of yours.

Prada to design Nasa's new Moon suit

JESUS CHRIST - why didn't you TELL US it had to keep air in? 

• Here is your reminder that there is no such thing as hate speech in the US: it's just speech you don't agree with.

Turn the tv off, please.

I would love to. Hmmm... how do we turn the tv off these days. Oh, I got it...  hit the remote. Now.. which remote? Where is it? Ok, I don't have time to excavate - I'll just go to the tv and power it off manually. Oh no, some sort of whipping arm for the armored blender is in front of the button. Obviously I'll have to move it first. I sure hope the power button hasn't moved - last time it took 2 weeks to chase it down: it had moved to the guest bedroom. 

RIP Suzanne Somers (77) - 2nd bout with breast cancer

Pr0n or Mainstream: in which there are 2 movies listed. Your job is to figure out which one is which..

1. Dad Crush
2. Crush Dad

President Giveaway will visit Israel as concerns grow over conflict escalating.

1. Even *I* don't think it's safe for him to go and would rather he do his damage from the White House
2. Oh God, how much is this going to cost us? 

New York Bill Would Require a Criminal Background Check to Buy a 3D Printer

New York is a really silly place. Apparently they feel inadequate in the silly department, to California and want to do something about it. A bill Would Require a Criminal Background Check to Buy a 3D Printer. Remember, this is the same place that outlawed 32oz sodas. Will soda intake be part of the background check? What if you're printed a lot in the past? You forgot to send your mother flowers for Mothers Day? You were late on your taxes? Buddy, you won't be able to buy a regular printer.

Swedish Meatballs Are Made with Octopus

Your love is like   an IRS audit

We escaped the house over the weekend and found ourselves in a very large Swedish home furnishings store, that has an actual cafeteria with Swedish meatballs. At least it had Mt Dew too, although we didn't go near the meatballs. My back was giving me grief, so I brought ibuprofen, then realized I didn't bring anything to drink. VOILA - 2 water fountains. I popped the ibu in my mouth and went for water. Annnnd the water fountain didn't work. Either of them. Have you ever tried to swallow pills without water? It's similar to swallowing cotton balls (don't ask). Mrs. lefty said they're probably shut off because of Flying AIDS. I don't care - put a damn sign on them - don't leave them sitting there where people are bound to try to use them. I found a bathroom, praying I could use its sink, provided it worked. Annnnd it was occupied, so in effect, it didn't work. At least I scared the crap out of the person in the bathroom.

This place, whose name rhymes with Ikea, and is famous for furniture you cannot assemble, in fact - NASA couldn't put this stuff together. Fortunately we avoided the furniture. We went through two floors, looking for one item, which of course they didn't have. I don't know what the designers of the place were on when they designed it, but everything was conveniently arranged so it was on the other floor at the other side of the store. How do they do this? Somehow we wound up with bags of stuff. I told Wife that there was a weight limit moreso than a spending limit - the bags started to get heavy and we didn't have a cart because we weren't buying anything (famous last words). 

It was an extremely annoying trip, even though we used to like it. Of course that wasn't the end... they had self-checkout lanes. In fact, every lane was a self-checkout lane. This goes in the rather large category of Things That Piss Me Off. It is quite possible to hire cashiers, like the ones that were there last time. I wonder who would have been hurt if they retained cashiers. I don't hate self-checkouts randomly - they just never work right. I also don't like the monitoring, but at least it's not facial recognition. The person with the most patience in the world was the poor guy who had to keep resetting the machine after it locked up or the poor customer pressed the wrong button. He got hazard pay. We'd scan an item and find it was the wrong price; there was no way to correct this, so we started again. BLEEP -  manager will help you. So we're standing there with a BLEEPING machine, awaiting the arrival of the Swedish police, when Hazard Pay kindly helped us. Mr Pay is probably still laughing or cursing at us. I was cursing at the machine regularly, and I'm not pleasant on a good day, even with pharmaceuticals. Even wife, whose job it is to try to calm me down or just duck and run, was cursing the machine and the entire trip. A day later she was still cursing it.

 

There is an actual book called 'How to poo on a date.'

 Don't.

US may pay 3x more than EU for Moderna’s US-funded COVID shot

 $1.7 billion we gave Moderna.

Food Delivery Robots Are Feeding Camera Footage to the LAPD, Internal Emails Show

of course they are...

•  Life sure is interesting. I've long wanted a considerably less interesting life. One without constant shit involving health and huge amounts of money to fix things.

Hyundai recalls 1.6 million gas-powered cars due to potential car fires

I won't mention Tesla, but combine this with the Hyundai/Kia security shortages and we might just have something... if someone tries to steal the car, it will burst into flames. What other car manufacturer can offer that kind of security? I still haven't mentioned Tesla.

Here’s what the latest Mars rover has learned so far

1. sadly, there is no Marvin the Martian
2. the next rover will be the best rover. Its finding will be 42
3. Marvin might just be hiding
4. there are a LOT of rocks and nobody ever sweeps the dust
5. the Martians enjoy playing pranks on the rover, like writing WASH ME on its surface
6. Martians have frightfully large penises for their size (this is a lie, used to recruit more female astronauts)
7. always end with a dick joke

Social media restrictions “profoundly damaging,” Biden admin tells SCOTUS

Look - how can we BS the people if we can't go full throttle on social media? This is what Obama fought so valiantly for.

Asked for comment, Biden said, "Pop Tarts!" 

Can we talk about naked or semi-naked women? Of course we can.

Let's separate the nakedness and salacious nature of this and just appreciate the wonder of sites like Onlyfans, where women (and men, I guess) can have their own place to earn money (a living?). The US has turned into a service economy and this is certainly a service. They could be giving guitar lessons, but they're a service and a desirable one. I'm not buying but I appreciate what they're doing.

Hey, now that I think about it.... naked guitar lessons! This way the spouse can't complain.

Drone captures flock of sheep crossing US highway

Sheep were promptly individually ticketed by Philly police, some developed black eyes. Sheep cautioned to only cross at Sheep Crossing signs. Dog was not ticketed or harmed.

 

Repeat after me - "Aardvarks are not a dessert topping"

Your love  is like   performing dentistry on cats

People Experience ‘New Dimensions of Reality' When Dying, Groundbreaking Study Reports

I think it's called death, but don't quote me on it.

The real data behind the new COVID vaccines the White House is pushing September 14, 2023, New York Post

I don't like fishnet stockings. No, I don't have to wear them, but that's across the street from the point. They're called fishnet because they closely resemble fish net (really), which fishermen use to haul in fish and whatnot, whatnot being other things that get pulled up with fish, that may or may not be edible. If you apply critical thought to this, you don't want to be thinking of, or smelling, FISH while you're... you know... down there. I saw them on tv the other day... they looked trashy. Now I love me some trash, that's true, and my idea of fashion is a clean t-shirt, but it looked low-rent trashy, which is something I just made up for the purpose of this ranting. On the back end, as it were, is that I prefer the regular old stockings, which would fail miserably if used as fish net. They'd pull up absolutely anything; like fish, crabs, washing machines, bodies, and the occasional Toyota. It seems to come down to the size of the hole, which is a metaphor for life.

• It turns out that if you pile stuff in front of the fan, the air is too stupid to go around the pile to get to you. Science is kinda my thing.

Wow, a 3 day weekend! I was pretty excited, as I always am when there's a day off. Looking at the forecast, it was nothing but clouds and rain for 3 days. I recently realized that I tend to react and do the same things in response to the same things, with no recollection of the past or learning anything. F'rinstance, I get excited about guitar shopping. I bounce like a little kid - are we there yet, are we there yet? When I get there, there are zero or 1 lefty guitars, and none of the accessories or amplifiers are exciting. Every time. I feel like Homer Simpson: he says 'Mmm... donut,' reaches for it, and a hammer comes down on his hand. He looks back up and says, 'Mmm...donut, again. He never learns. I think I might just be Homer - I need to see a doctor to confirm my suspicions.

All I really need is someone with a few live brain cells to go over this with me. I call this the Sara Palin Effect. She used to say, 'and how's that working for ya?' 

Sara: Where are you going today?

Me: Guitar shopping

Sara: And when was the last time you bought a guitar?

Me: About 3 years ago.

Sara: And where did you buy it?

Me: From a dude 2 hours away.

Sara: Not from a guitar store?

Me: Ummm... no.

Sara: And how many times have you been to the guitar store this year?

Me: I dunno, maybe 25?

Sara: And how many guitars have your bought?

Me: None.

Sara: So how's that workin for ya?

Sara: How many times have you been excited for days off work?

Me: Pretty much all of them.

Sara: And how many of them proved worthy of being off?

Me: [thinking] Well.....hmmm... just about... damn near, almost zero.

Sara: And you're excited about a 3 day weekend?

Me: Yeah!

Sara: And how's that workin' for ya? You must be a real joy with 4 day weekends, Einstein.

Sara: And how many times have you looked outside to clouds, gloom, and rain?

Me: Only about every time I look outside.

Sara: And how's that workin' for ya?

Sara: How many times have you shot yourself in the foot?

Me: Most times.

Sara: You'd think you'd learn to filter.

Me: Me? No filters.

Sara: And how's that workin' for ya?

Me: My feet look like Swiss cheese.

Sara has a point. Only I'm too stoopid to figger out what it is. Surprising she never got elected nationally.

Sara: You sound like a complete idiot.

Me: Why yes, I do.

Sara: And how's that workin' out for ya?

Me: Well, thank you. My wife bet me $50 I couldn't mention Sara Palin in the blog without getting political.

Sorry, I have to run. The guitar stores are only open til 9 today.

Seychelles opposition leader Patrick Herminie charged with witchcraft

I'm no expert on witchcraft, but his name is very similar to Hermione. Coincidence? Do they burn witches at the stake in Seychelles? Should we start accusing our politicians of witchcraft? 

Henry Cuellar: US congressman carjacked at gunpoint in Washington DC

Don't they call that irony? 

 

Bids for ISS demolition rights are now open, NASA declares

This should be fun... how would you demolish the ISS? 

• China would shoot it with one of its secret attack satellites
• Russia would say it never existed 
• President Giveaway would give some country $25 billion to study the feasibility
• John Walsh would point at it and speak sternly
• the Military Industrial Complex wants no part of it - they only do construction
• Space Patrol wants to zap it with their confiscated Q32 Explosive Space Modulators
• if he were alive, Dick Cheney would want to use thermite. Don't count him out.
• the Philadelphia Parking Authority would simply tow it to their yard and no one would ever see it again, but it will cost Biden $15 million per day storage fee

Quickly - put this Spoon up your Nose

Your love is like  one of Joe Biden's German Shepherds

Facebook Trains Its AI on Your Data. Opting Out May Be Futile

Meh - that's ok. We gladly let Faceyspaces have all our information anyway. You couldn't pry us away from Faceyspaces with nuclear weapons.

 I was talking to a pizza guy the other day. He said it was either plain or pepperoni for him. There is simply no way pineapple should ever appear on pizza. As any serious consumer of pizza would say, I told him he was correct. The only difference was that I don't have to be bothered with it - he has to make it. And while we were at it, I want to know who came up with bacon-ranch. Whose bizarre idea was it to put ranch dressing on pizza? Bacon is perfectly ok, and my choice of pizza, now that I can't find anything good enough to eat plain. He agreed on ranch too. We're Pizza Buddies<tm> now.

Meet the winners of the 2023 Ig Nobel Prizes

• why many scientists like to lick rocks.
• the sensations people feel when they repeat a single word many, many, many, many, many, many, many times.
• jamais vu, a fleeting sensation of novelty or unfamiliarity concerning something we have seen or experienced before

These are but a small sample of tremendous effort given to studies.

The other day was the celebration of my mother's life. I hugged my aunt and all of the sudden it occurred to me that my aunt was my mother's sister (don't say it). They were twins.

Signal’s Meredith Whittaker: AI is fundamentally ‘a surveillance technology’

Uncle Sam mulls spying on clouds being used to train AI

 FBI Agents Are Using Face Recognition Without Proper Training (wired.com) 32

Hmmm... maybe Meredith is right.....

Anti-viral drug backfires: COVID drug linked to viral mutations that spread

no no no no - it's perfectly safe. This is just misinformation!

Alien and UFO 'Bermuda Triangle' explored in Netflix doc

15 Years Ago, UFO Sightings Rocked a Small Texas Town. The Mystery Remains.

in Stephenville, Texas. The object, whatever it was, had to fly over the Bush ranch. That's a pretty serious no-fly zone. The fact that two F-16s were chasing it means something too.

Woman Drove With Hubby Atop Car Hood

This is:

• anniversary present
• foreplay
• manufacturer test of hood strength
• test of local police response
• idiot test: both passed with flying colors

Dish Dealt Space-Debris Fine for Misparking Satellite

The satellite was towed by the Philadelphia Parking Authority (Parking Wars). In order to get it back, Dish will have to pay $12,000 daily storage fee and have license, registration, insurance, and orbital parking permit.

 

I Never Shower without my Service Elephant

Your love is like  cream of aardvark

My Neighbors are Invisible, but their Dogs Aren't

It's not just me, you know. The neighborhood has become dog-intensive. Whenever you see somebody walking their dog, you know the dog's name, but not the human's.  "Oh, that's Max' mother."

Since there's way too much death around me, it got me thinking.

Uh-oh 

I'm sending this one out to anyone who believes there's an afterlife.

Let's say a woman marries and her husband dies of cancer. She remarries and eventually they both can't help dying. In the afterlife, the woman is there with her first and second husband. Is it awkward in heaven? 

Naturally I have questions...

• What if you hated your in-laws? Do you still hate them now that you're dead?
• Are you anxious to reincarnate as a human because there's no sex after death? Hopefully there wasn't no sex before death.
• Are there milkshakes?
• Will you get to see Jimi Hendrix jamming with Jeff Beck and Stevie Ray Vaughan?
• Just verifying there's no trash, laundry, or mowing 

In heaven all guitars are left handed. If you want a righty, it's 25% more.

AI-Generated 'Subliminal Messages' Are Going Viral. Here's What's Really Going On

It's good to know the Stupid Machine is still in high gear.

Way way back, you'd go to a theater. During the pre-movie nonsense, you'd feel hungry for popcorn all of the sudden. Turns out they were flashing 'popcorn' on the screen so quickly you couldn't see it, but your mind could. It's called subliminal advertising and it's everywhere now. 

We discovered other messages on tv...

• pay your taxes
• buy beer
• pay two times more for everything - Supply Chain Difficulties
• scratch your left testicle   (this drives women nuts)
• buy more beer
• Americans Idle vs Survivor is on in 30 minutes
• watch more commercials

Cher accused of hiring men to kidnap her son

Cher is funny, only she has no idea she is. She thinks she's more important than Bono thinks he is.

She has had so much plastic surgery, she cannot be near stage lights, or her face will melt.

Look up some Cher pictures. She looks so different from when she started, her mother doesn't recognize her.

• Oh fsck... I just heard the heat kick in. It's all over but the shivering.

Elon Musk - the Donald Trump of Car Makers

What It’s Like To Own the Cars That Became a Viral Sensation To Steal

[groan]  

Medium hints at a nascent media coalition to block AI crawlers

This is about not allowing AI to crawl your site to train it. I say Go Ahead: can you imagine what would happen if my content were used to train AI?  hahahahahahaha 

Uh, John... we can't use ChatGPT.

Why. Bob?

It keeps saying right handed people are backwards and developed a 'bias' against mowing. It's also very sarcastic all of the sudden. Perhaps we should try a different company's AI."

 

The Naked Elephant Follows the Flightless Nissan

Your love is like  securing your teeth to your gums with rusty nails

Space Force Chronicles

US Space Force creates 1st unit dedicated to targeting adversary satellites

busy little bees, no?

Space Force chief says commercial satellites may need defending

of course they will. Cue President Giveaway's next horrendous military appropriation.

US exploring potential space force hotline with China

Hey, didn't we have a nuclear hotline with Russia a long time ago?

What have we learned? Nothing. And beware the military-industrial complex.

 

Sex can help protect against dementia – here’s how much you’ll need to have

So get in there and do your part to fight dementia - it's for you both

Air Canada discloses data breach of employee and 'certain records'

Certain records were involved, by certain employees, during certain breaches of a certain airline. Certain employees were caught with certain substances, but we assure you that the substances had no bearing on certain records being accessed within a certain airline. As a certain country is known for its friendliness (eh?), a certain airline has issued a certain apology and promises it certainly won't happen again (until a certain next time).

 Russia seeks to rejoin UN's human rights council

Along with the Taleban and Taylor Swift.  Which is most harmful?

 

Over 340 first responders have died from 9/11 illnesses

The New York City Fire Department said 11,000 first responders suffer from 11 September-related diseases, including 3,500 with cancer. 

Christie Whitman (EPA) walked right alongside George Bush and proclaimed the air safe to breathe. They should be held responsible, not to mention Cheney et al.

  

Einstein right again: Antimatter falls “down” due to gravity like ordinary matter

Of course it does. In matters like this, it's always safe to assume Albert was right. He said antimatter falls, being acted upon by gravity, like everything else in the universe. Let's say, for the sake of argument, and because I like to argue, that antimatter fell up? Seriously, you don't want that shit. The entire universe would be all kinds of fscked up, not knowing whether to fall down or up. Let's face it - antimatter is the opposite of matter, so it would make sense that it fell up, but noooooo, this singular property of antimatter decided to behave, in this case, like its polar opposite. The whole world is topsy-turvy. Antimatter wasn't even a concept until very recently. And gravity is a big bully.

 Do you have any idea what would have happened to Star Trek if antimatter fell up? Neither do I, but Kirk would have dealt with it using his trademark calm, rational self, and speaking in that almost stuttering cadence, that used to drive alien chicks wild. The Captain must've had something else going on in the lower half of his uniform that they couldn't show on tv in 1969, because all of those blue and green chicks wanted to have his children, or die trying. And where did they get the damn antimatter? Did Musk had antimatter stations all over the cosmos? How long did it take to charge the Enterprise? How far could it go between charges? Were Spock's ears that way because he tried to mess with antimatter that one time, after he fell in love? Why were Kirk and Spock Jewish? Even worse, why is Shatner Canadian? Are Canadians affected by gravity like antimatter? How do you get them into the antimatter engines? How many of them fit in one antimatter engine? Is antimatter the reason Shatner is such a lovable, doddering old fool these days, who does insurance commercials? When he dies and is sent into space, will his capsule fall, like antimatter? I'll bet Einstein never theorized that.

In depression treatment trials, placebo effect is growing stronger

 That's because placebo isn't an effect, it's your mind doing the work to heal your body. But WTF do I know...

 

Drive-through worker draws gun on 'missing curly fries' customer

It's supposed to be the other way around, dammit. But now you have another great reason not to go there (besides the food).

What's worse that a fast food employee with a gun?

Huge boa constrictor found stuck under car bonnet

there is a long tradition of finding things in your car...

• wombat in your glove compartment
• gazelle in your carburetor
• giraffe in your back seat
• tarantula on your steering wheel
• skunk - anywhere in or near your car

Biden dog Commander bites another Secret Service agent

If you remember, the last dog, Major, also bit Secret Service agents.

The explanation is hysterical: it's a stressful environment and the dog picks up on that.

Errr... Obama's dog didn't bite anybody.

Maybe the dog's cognitively impaired, like its owner....

You Have the Right to Remain Silent: Use it

Your love is like   Crunchy Frog

NASA spacecraft returns to Earth with pieces of an asteroid

We have millions of tons of perfectly good rock here, yet NASA spends millions 

and 7 years (3 litres Canadian) to get 8 ounces (5 kilometers Canadian) from some random asteroid passing by. I hope it doesn't have cooties.

 Rare 'Dumbo' octopus filmed on deep sea live stream

The octopus, with large ears, has been named the King Charles Puss.

Florida police stop 10-year-old driver on highway

Because Florida. And because Mom confiscated their handheld electronics. They got pulled over, 200 miles from home, because he used his turn signals.

What's the only thing worse than your morning alarm going off?

The neighbor's truck waking you up, 2 minutes before the alarm goes off.

Picasso’s twisted beauty – and the ‘trail of female carnage’ he left behind

 Because he liked the ladies, certain people want to 'cancel' him.

This is bloody Picasso, not some idiot who said something 'wrong' on tv. I hear he was a pretty good painter, although I certainly don't see it. Digging deeper into history, we could find other things...

• Beethoven was a racist
• Henry Ford was antisemitic (true)
• Caesar liked animals, a bit too much
• Alexander Graham Bell wouldn't take calls from women
• Copernicus hurt his neck and couldn't look up
• da Vinci was left handed out of spite
• Woody Allen... well.... 

So be careful who you cancel.

CBP Tells Airports Its New Facial Recognition Target is 75% of Passengers Leaving the US 

And 100% in the US. Don't forget to get your Real ID card.

I don't know about you, but my Dr. Pepper is missing. It was right there, behind the Coke, which obscured it. It was there yesterday; it is not today. I am alone in the house, as Wife and Dog are out visiting for a few days.

There are only a few logical explanations: 

1. I keep missing it (as a man, I can't find my hand in front of my face)
2. Wife (and Dog) come home from visiting just to drink my soda and mess with me (the only problem being I haven't left the house for them to get back in)
3. I have developed a particularly nasty psychological disorder that precludes me from remembering I drank it already (or threw it out - we're being logical here)
4. Hillary and Cheney were eating babies and needed something to wash them down with
5. aliens

 I will let you know if/when I figure this out.

• Ya know, it's been a while since a Tesla spontaneously burst into flames, or since we heard about one. Maybe Musk is ordering the press not to print anything negative, like Biden....

US actors' union members vote to authorize video game strike

This is part of an insidious plan. First the actors, then the video games. Pretty soon, all of California will be on strike. Outside of California, no one will notice any difference.

My mother used to pronounce it Califawnia. Guess I won't hear that again.

It's weird being an 'orphan.' Obviously I stopped relying on my parents a long time ago, but now I realize I can't. It's academic, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. This is the natural order of things, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Today's best headline: Chess grandmaster Hans Niemann denies using vibrating sex toy to cheat

Today's worst headline: Adam Britton: British croc expert admits sexually abusing dogs. 

WTF is wrong with these people?