Captivity - Day 48 Measles?

According to one of the many attractive weatherladies, it's cold today. It's cold for the season. It's bloody May and we're not even in August. Somebody better have a bit of a chat with Mother Nature - this is unacceptable. Today's WeatherHottie was very pretty and knew her topic but there's something about a woman with shoulders the size of a football team's Front Four...

Mrs lefty's hobby is finding local channels and watching their news and commercials. This is not a difficult hobby, in that you turn on a local channel and watch their news. The best bit is watching the commercials. You wind up saying to yourself that the production quality would greatly improve if they hired a 5 year old with a crayon to produce the commercials. HAH. This iz Bahb, of Bahb's Tractor Feed and Phonograph Repair. Let Bahb takes care of yer tractor's phonograph feed! If y'all buys this week, we'll throw in a free baby and a bottle of local wine, with real grapes.

Last night I saw some yogurt, thinking I'd have that today for breakfast. Since I can't find chocolate yogurt, I eat other kinds. This morning there was no yogurt. I gave up trying to figure out why a long time ago, but the math says Mrs lefty or Penny the Wonder Spaniel. Penny can't open the fridge (as far as I know) and Mrs lefty opens the fridge too much, so I'm going with Mrs lefty. I think she rearranges the entire fridge after I go to bed. Aside from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I'm not sure why. I am sure it affects my already brittle sense of where things are. So if I'm the only one awake, I can't find any yogurt. It is also possible that she forgot where she put it, so no yogurt there either. This is starting to look hopeless for the yogurt so I go back to sugary chocolate cereal. Ahhhh.... I get it! She wants me to eat junk cereal so I die sooner. This is exactly why I keep the life insurance at levels where it's not worth it to kill me. A place for everything and nothing in its place.

I have a Google Math question: Google tells me I have 8192 page views for the day. I have 8191 page views for the week. Is this algebra? Quantum physics?


KLINGER - put on some pants!
Flying AIDS survivors banned from joining military.
Men in panties still ok.



Report from New Scientist: Mini-brains grown in a dish rapidly develop signs of Alzheimer's disease when infected with the common herpes virus that causes cold sores. Who comes up with this shit?  Hey Max... Yeah? We got this mini-brain grown in a dish.. let's put some herpes in it, ok?  BRILLIANT!



WATCH YOUR MEAT: Like the previous rioting over toilet paper, we're on the cusp of Meat Rioting. The story is that meat processing plants are shutting down because the animals are suspected of having the Flying AIDS. Or the employees. Or the employees who do things they shouldn't with the animals. The price of meat is going through the fake factory ceiling.


The hidden cost of gun violence: a NJ State Police detective shot on duty proposes to girlfriend after being released from hospital.


I've been through Kardashians, I've been through Survivor, and our current foe is Furries. You know - the Furries that get into costumes and sing for alleged judges? I didn't know about it til I saw the commercials - JFC, we have degraded. We need to get back to 'normal' from this Flying AIDS thing, lest people have what's left of their minds food processed into (more) mush.  TV is now owned by 2 entities: Wolf (any police or SUV show) and Mindless Live (Survivor, Contest, Love in an oil tank).

Literally the only thing I watch on broadcast tv is 911 (the original).  Perhaps because I don't care about my other tv setup or I don't care in general, Wife and I swap the remote control. She has all the power because she cares, and because she knows what stations are which numbers. Me - Big Vacuum Tube and Computer d00d, relies on his wife to know what channels to put on. I have made some progress, in that I can now change channels. She got me again, though, because she knows which channels we have. Since we have the Cheap Option, which includes internet and broadcast tv, we only pay $249 per month, so we can't expect too much.  My parents used this service the moment it became available in our old hood. I can't mention their name (because of some rule I just made up), but it rhymes with Bomcast. Now for the Old Man Rant: Why, I remember when it was $15 for basic cable. Now it's $15 to drive by one of their skyscrapers in Philly.

I have loved my job since day 1. My boss is a little weird, in that he trusts me, but we can work through these little bumps. Since we're Sheltering Here In Terror (SHIT), we have meetings from his house. Boss likes to keep his team sharp and every time we meet, there's a loud sound in the background. Once the screaming was a cat. Then what sounded like his shower was the coffee machine. After that, we heard a Caterpillar 4B, digging up the basement. This turned out to be a Caterpillar 4B, digging up his basement (for the panic room/bomb shelter). Next week we expect his entire family singing Christmas carols (but his son sings off-key.



This corporate sucking up to everybody who's a hero during the Flying AIDS pandemic is nauseating. The first commercial is nice. The next 12 are mind-numbingly insane. We get you, Ford... we understand you're offering no payments forever on your new trucks, but does that mean the front line responders assemble them? How about the trashmen? The clerks at fast food stores? They guys at the sex shops?

Captivity - Day 47 The dead are messing with us

The weather is more brown than green today. I'm not sure whether this is a weather cycle or it felt more like a brown day. It's not even a nice shade of brown, which means that instead of the autumn leaves, shit will be falling from the clouds.

Attack of the Synchronized Mowers is still going on, but they stopped selling tickets and are now performing free, due to the Flying AIDS. The audience itself has to wear masks, but not the grass cutters.


The paranoid think everyone's out to get them. We medicate them.
BUT, just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

THEREFORE, if you hallucinate, it doesn't mean the hallucinations aren't there.
The problem comes when you mention the hallucinations. The quantum physics people tell you that simply mentioning them calls the hallucinations into being (assuming they don't exist already). This always makes things fun when you see the doctor, who can't tell if you were hallucinating or are hallucinating now. If the doctor thinks you might have been hallucinating, you get meds and begin doing what the medical folks call the Thorazine Shuffle. This is what happens when you take too many antipsychotic medicines. You start to look like a zombie, which, while handy for video games and certain tv shows, doesn't look good on your work history (unless you work in federal government, at which point you're guaranteed an upper-level position).

When the dog gets into bed, you can plainly see her. When you can also see the dog get into bed on a different side of the bed, you have to wonder which dog was real, if any. Given the history of the dog, the one that isn't foaming at the mouth, trying to kill you, has a better chance of being your actual dog. If both dogs are foaming and your dog doesn't foam, it's best to get the f- out of your bed at once.

You can also look at the stairwell and say to yourself that the laws of physics do not allow the railing to sway in that manner, at which point you're back to the Thorazine Shuffle. The only way to get past this is to tell the doctor the hallucinations are all pleasant, non-threatening ones. "Oh, I see flowers and stuffed animals" instead of "I see Ozzy's 80th birthday" or "Those street signs are gendered."

The next day, a mother or wife asks you to clean that washy-scrubby-dishy-cleany thing you put on your hand to do the dishes. These things have no actual name. She says that the procedure will go better when you remove that bug that's crawling across the cleany thingie.  This does not help you, because most of the cleany bits are moving, causing a metaphysical dilemma and total breakdown of your belief system.

And that, Your Honor, establishes my sanity in this sanity hearing.




You better watch out - SWAT and Sheriffs are breaking down doors to arrest people for working.

A gun was pulled at a bank the other day over an argument about social distancing. WHEN WILL WE go back to the time when guns were strictly to rob the damn bank, not to assault other customers??

California Governor Gavin Newsom (D-Uranus) said that as the state prepares to reopen retail, 'We're not going back to normal.'  This man is obviously a body-snatched fraud - California was NEVER normal.

Captivity - Day 46 HAARP is not for kids, Sally

Windows 10 - Day 46
What a screaming pile of dung.

It ate up 15 valuable Morning Minutes, trying to log into work. There aren't a lot of downsides to working at home, but this is definitely one. Windows spent forever deciding whether and how it wanted to boot up today. A user has no serious input into this decision, up to and including making the laptop airborne, which won't have much of an effect on Windows.  In fact, it probably works better midair than on a desk.

It's cold today, which perfectly matches the air conditioning we needed last night. It's also sunny, but we know that somewhere, there's a large pile of something or other that will go BOOM if we try to enjoy the sun.

Today we added another Wonderful Word to our Pandemic Vocabulary: say it along with me, kids... Clustering. Clustering. Once more.. Clustering.  Clustering is when 10 people or more stand in front of a store window to look at the shoe sales. Clustering is a sin, in everybody's Religious Manual<tm>. Clustering goes against the commandment: Thou Shalt Social Distance. The penalty for clustering, and there's always a penalty, is to carry around a 6' dress of plastic, known as a Hula Hoop or similar, depending on when your religion was invented, to physically keep you 6' away from all of humanity. Do ya really want to wear a 6' dress in public? (We don't care what kind of perversion you get into at home, Chollie, you dirty rat).  So remember: Socially Distance - Don't Cluster!

In addition to the sun playing its seek and go find game, Freedom is starting to shine (cue patriotic music, video of old dudes marching and playing a flute). As horrid as the Flying AIDS was a few days ago, it's not altogether so much of a death-inducing nasal-injected sexually-transmitted death-bringer. There was video of people walking around! Not observing social distancing! There was no video of NY police assaulting couples holding hands. 90 year olds sitting the park. People shopping for tvs instead of toilet paper. Yessir, I think this whole Flying AIDS thing is losing its News Appeal. Mind you, all of the talking heads were still broadcasting from their basements, just in case. You can't make this shit up. I still want to know what's on the shelves behind the on air personalities. You know somebody has to have The Joy of Sex, Sex While Windows is Booting, Booting Sex in the Windows Age, and Why Windows Won't Boot, Even During Sex. We are being deprived of these goodies, cuz we know what's coming from their mouths isn't of any value.

People are starting to pop onto the streets, like spring has sprung.
The funny part of this is that nothing has changed from 2 days ago to yesterday. It's just that the people who are supposed to know better have... no... damn... clue... as to what's going on. They're getting paid A Lot of Money to stand there and tell you Stuff. Each syllable is made up. Every morning it's something else. It affects older people, it affects younger and older people. A sign is your taste being off, but you taste isn't a really good indicator. You will need a respirator. You won't need a respirator. You shouldn't be near anyone. You can be a carrier. The Flying AIDS is killing more people than Godzilla over Tokyo. Oops - it's killing less than any old yearly flu. Hey, let's give our personal aid. Let's bail out corporations! Who did you say is paying for this? You didn't say?

Idiot Governors all over the place are making noise about going back to work. This is actually just a formality, as they get paid by the speech. People have been ignoring their verbal output for a long time.

It's only a matter of time until McDonalds opens its inside sitting area, then it's off to McDonalds. And I don't even like McDonalds.  Then I'll go back to blathering about 'normal' stuff. You'll long for the days of captivity.


Are we on the precipice of what we'll call normalcy?
Let's watch.
Again, help each other.
Who benefits?

Captivity - Day 45 Leave the blasting caps home, jimmy

Dammit, it's weird here.
Moreso.

Since it's a day ending in -Y, the Advanced Coordinated Stereo Lawnmowing Team is out. They have recharged and tuned their instruments, making sure to remove all mufflers. They sounded like one of those SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY commercials, only louder. Their new routine is Synchronized Mowing, whereby they do everything together, from starting, to cutting, to cleaning and hacking up some of the neighbors, and throwing them in the truck. They have a sensor on my phone and in my office, so that when I'm on a call, their mowers go into overdrive. It's fully automatic.

If the mowers somehow run out of gas simultaneously, there's no reason to worry - I live with a percussionist. She had to turn Santana down this year because she wanted to be locally magnificent. She'll somehow break into a percussion solo mid-day or so. This is generally after the mowers stop. The mowers are merely an opening act for the percussion. Percussion also waits until a work call comes in. How do they know? She loves to spontaneously bash some shit, pretending it's my head, then if she can get it loud enough to kill birds.


Hey - yuh know what's going on outside?
Neither do I.

Aside from some memories of a woman arrested on a licking spree. What the hell... didn't we have knife and gun crime? Now we have licking. Next year it'll be a looking spree. Just so you don't feel alone, there have also been blowing nose and a KKK hat sprees. America is a beautiful place, when it's not watching Furries on tv.

Later tonight, Mrs lefty is going to have one of those Telehealth doctor appointments. The substance of the call is a doctor calling you, instead of seeing you in-person. But noooo.... we can't call it that... no sir... we have to give it a special name -Telehealth. The joke, however, is on them, as they get less money for a telehealth visit than a Regular Vitsit, She has the choice of video or audio. This means a video conferencing service or what they refer to as an incredibly complex device with a name that's difficult to pronounce but sounds something like fone. It's like a video conference without the video. The real fun is if you choose phone: while the doctor is talking, you can make faces and blow your nose in his general direction. If you mute the phone, you can even stand there and imitate him. So if you're really bored, and who among us isn't, select the audio only option. NOTE: make sure to use the MUTE function before you start your impressions. Trust me.

Before we sign off, we want to remind you of a word that says it all... a word that will be with us for years.. a word you can use to show your friends how much smarter you are. Yes, it's teledildonics. It is an actual word, for technology to manipulate 'devices' remotely. Use it with pride.

Captivity - Day 44 It's always darkest before the lights go out for the last time

I like the way this software lines up the posts. Yesterday's was Day 43, therefore, today's must be Day 44; except in New Jersey, where it's 37.

I am doing my part to help everyone with the weather. It's gorgeous-looking, with temperatures near 80. I am voluntarily staying inside so it doesn't snow. Remember this when I need a favor, please.

There's a new tv commercial, wherein  you pay for this thingie that looks like a plastic skateboard, and you swing around on it to burn weight. The commercial is hosted by some blonde lady (directly from the Blonde Lady Factory), with measurements that are borderline impossible, but men don't know this and women keep trying for it. Said host is endearing to both genders because of her mammalian protuberances, the bottoms of which actually call out your name and have a brief conversation with your pheremones (even if you're 83). Where were we? Oh yeah, weight burning. Watching the people demonstrate has no connection with reality, including the grandmotherly lady. No one you know is going to stand on this plastic thing, no less use it for anything other than creating a walking hazard on the floor. Our intrepid reporter, Penny, went out to thoroughly inspect this fraud exercise hospital, wherein you are served the most disgusting mush ever, on a tray, and youhe hospital, wherein you are served the most disgusting mush ever, on a tray, and you equipment. Penny determined that it works for burning weight, but not in the way you think. You attempt to use it, fall on your ass, the ambulance takes you to the hospital, wherein you are served the most disgusting mush ever, on a tray, and you refuse to eat it. You lose weight rapidly and have to take your nutrients from a bag next to your bed. So you haven't entirely burned weight, but you've lost it. Maybe you developed an eating disorder in the meantime and will continue to lose weight. Or take your nutrition through a bag.

Speaking of New Jersey, reports are that everyone was well-behaved on the first open day 'downa shoor' (down at the shore)  How did they know the Flying AIDS would be all cleared up by yesterday?


Idiot Mayor of Philly proposed tax increases and layoffs to combat fallout from the Flying AIDS. Idiot Mayor needs to spend some quality time in another country, where the answer to all questions is not Raise Taxes. And they re-elect this disgrace, in spite of Sanctuary City and taxes on drinks.


People often wonder why we have a 2nd Amendment. A city in Oklahoma walked back an emergency declaration requiring customers to wear face masks inside businesses after threats of violence were hurled at store employees. The people got MAD and then got MEAN. In no way should they have they gone after the poor hourly grunts, but this illustrates why there's a 2nd Amendment. When government becomes oppressive, it's time to change government. No matter what's on tv.

Captivity - Day 43 Bobby-put the pregnancy kit down

Hi, Kids - it's day 43 - that's 34 if you're dyslexic.
Sure is a nice day outside. Must be a nice day inside, but I'm not checking either, because I don't want to spoil things if I find out. It's probably snowing. Indoors.

We're at that weird part of the week, often referred to as Bobbi - with a star around the 'i'.  Sometimes it's called weekend, but that's so passe. We previously discovered the only difference between week and weekend is how late you get up.  So noon it was.  All of that shit I was going to do on the weekend vanished, because I can't remember what I did with my Weekend List (wasn't that clever?). I added stuff to this list religiously, all week. I almost jumped out of bed, ready to tackle at least one project, like taking the bathroom trash downstairs or making sure there were no blue fibers in the vacuuming area. The blue fibers ruin the vacuum. I'm kidding - all fibers ruin the vacuum.  It's never really easy to get out of bed, regardless of how much sleep I got, so that's why I have a Service Elephant. He never hurts anybody, but I always get a wide path to walk. His name is Iqbal, but nobody knows why (he told me this much).

As soon as I hit the couch on my first day of weekending, it's a countdown til my first nap. This can take anywhere from an hour to 7 hours, depending on external stimulation. Most things with me depend on external stimulation, so I nap a lot. It's a lot trickier for Mrs lefty, once referred to as having the mother of all sleep disorders. While I'm taking my first nap, she and the dog quietly get into bed. Since they're quiet, they left half the marching band downstairs. The entire house smells of brass cleaner. Making the extra effort not to disturb me, she talks to the dog smoothly and quietly. Responding accordingly, the dog leaps to my pillow and starts licking my face, until she has to be pried off. At least she was quiet. We have a bit of a baton race: I take the baton and go for a nap. When I'm done, I hand her the baton. Well, that's the theory. I explained baton to her, but what she heard was "Go to bed every 5 minutes or so until it sticks." Mind you, I've watched her sleep through 3 alarms.

Idiot Governor is facing the facts that other Idiot Governor are: people are pissed and nothing he says matters. The 2nd part of his plan goes into effect next week. This means businesses opening on their own have ignored his huffing and puffing.  Anybody under 3 years of age would ask what's the difference between last week and this this week, and Idiot Governor would be stuck for an answer. People are unhappy and they miss their beer, alcohol, and having someone take their order in a restaurant. This won't change next week, because they'll mess up your order regardless of how it's taken. The invented these plexi hoods over the tables, so you only get to breathe your own air. After you pay your inaccurate check, the Sanobot comes along and puts your table in the shredder, making it useful for the next diners in a couple of years.

Godammit, I haven't had breakfast yet. Will someone get me the chocolate covered donut ice cream, please?

Captivity - Day 42 Leave the damn elephant alone already

42 is the magic number, at least according to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe.  And its author, Douglas Adams, is/was most always right, so major parts of humanity go with it.

10 minutes ago, the sky looked like the sun might win today.
At this moment, the clouds are doing their level best to banish any light, mirth, and fun from the skies. We may have to protest, the problem being, to whom.


It's Friday, conveniently the day after Thursday, as it is wont to be.
It's not as hazardous as Thursday, but we recommend a hazmat suit just the same. We will also continue, as always, to bring you absolutely nothing, but in a wordy sort of way. First (and second) off, we here at ThermionicEmissions want to remind you to keep your Flying AIDS news viewing to an absolutely minimum. I look at it once a day, max. Sometimes not at all. This has contributed a less than tragic overview of the World In General (WIG), as well as a general evil smile at the grass. Smiling at the grass is some sort of end-times sign. Because it rains here 8 out of 9 days, the grass grows like weeds, so there's constant mowing. Since I was bitten by a lawnmower (or something) when I was little, it's traumatic to address it. The flashbacks... the flashbacks...

Speaking of which, we knew it was going to happen, and it did so today. Yes, I went outside. Well, it was temperately sunny and I felt I should, or the voices would tell me I'm missing a vital part of being alive. I really have to have those voices fixed. - won't they be surprised. So there I was, on a perfectly sunny evening at 7:32, sitting on my own front step. Still entirely not sure why. Not much doing, except for my high-strung neighbor trying (once again) to put her husband's body through the tree-shredder machine. She told me they're difficult to clean and leave much forensic evidence.


So what are we going to do when Idiot Governor 'allows' us to leave our homes?
I have many suggestions (of course I do)...

• get a malt (they're available now, but f- social distancing
• guitar shopping (just to be next to them, even if they have no lefties)
• one of those goofy women's clothing stores for women who aren't small and women who aren't overweight. It's not for me to judge, but have you seen the pictures at the overweight stores? Women in bikinis? Lingerie? I know a few Chubby Chasers, but lingerie.... even other overweight women don't want to see that stuff.
• tuna, toilet paper, and pasta in supermarkets
• the Mexican place, which has takeout, -  but we suspect the hot food and the ice cream won't survive the trip home
• maybe that real imitation pizza-like substance

How are the hallucinations?

Glad you asked. I looked out of the office yesterday and said to myself that the guitar is not supposed to move around like a snake. I figure that qualified as a hallucination.  The problem with being a smartass is that nobody takes you seriously when you're serious.  I say to doc that the medicine works very well, but I'd really like the hallucinations turned down a bit. The doc is laughing because I'm such a wiseass. "No, really, " is a phrase I use a lot..

NASCAR will be the first race starting in May.

An entire load of Idiot Governors will be on the tarmac to enforce social distancing between the cars. Failing that, they'll be used as orange bumper guards.

My ass hurts. It's from sitting on my front steps for more than 1 minute.

Captivity - Day 41 Johnny-take that pen out of your nose

The main benefit of 41 is that it comes after 40, thus it's also divisible by 13.

After teaching all fish to social distance, Idiot Governor is now working on multi-dog houses. Somebody on his staff told him it's easy to speak dog, so he's out of the office again, spreading governorish advice.

If you're in the Philly area, only use cash or stop going to Primo Hoagies. They had a data breach that lasted 7 months. I'd like to take this time to urge your to try Lee's Hoagies. They're large and don't have any of those little seeds on them.

We'd characterize today's weather as brown, with some more brown later, followed by brown. There is s 10% chance the sun will make it through the clouds, but nobody's betting on it,  It's also a bit windy, in the same way airlines want a bit of a bailout. Ladies were chasing their pocketbooks through  parking lots, as men were chasing their hats. We need a 24x7 channel with this happening. The guy down the block who's building a complex underground, also traveled past our window, with a few of the safety elevators and a panic room or 2.



I don't fully understand this social distancing thing. I thought they meant while you were outside. Wife says that's wrong: it applies inside too. Somebody isn't telling me the truth.


Remember, during these odd times, not to run yourself over.




Dear lefty  

Q. I have a 90 year old neighbor who's a real sweatheart. My office windows open toward her house. When I'm viewing pr0n highly important work, can she see it?

A. Good God, man, she's 90. You'll be surprised to see what she's gotten up to at her age.  Try this: use the biggest monitor you have and put it in the window. If nothing happens, don't worry about it. If she's taken to the hospital, you might want to move the monitor. If you get a note in your mailbox, saying the production values were shit, you know you won't get a better neighbor.*




Did you know that if you hook 2 mice to a computer, they both work? Or at least they both flash.  (uh-oh, he's out of material and scraping the bottom)



* Let me try to say something nice, although it hurts:
This lady was Marshall's buddy. At least one of them had a lot of conversations. She would do gardening at the fence, and Marshall would lay next to her. She went to the next section and Marshall would move. He was almost her dog by proxy.

Her son sent us a card when Marshall passed and thanked us for 'taking care' of his mom.

Captivity - Day 40 Who are you supposed to be?

This is a very special day because 40 is divisible by 7.


So this morning thing... it's not working out quite the way I had hoped.


I suspect something (more) weird is happening at the lefty Mansion.
Ever since Idiot Governor slapped the locks on our front doors, Mrs lefty goes out twice as much as before. Not that we went out anyway, but since she was told to stay in, she can do nothing but go out. It's like a cigarette: she can go 9 hours without a cigarette. If you tell her she's not allowed to smoke, all hell breaks loose.


We don't get enough happy news, so I'll start here: Feds buy 100,000 more body bags, preparing for the worst. Everybody gets up in arms about this stuff. The Feds are doing their bit to shore up the economy and play a Fed Game called Guess Who's in the Body Bag.  I'll leave the rest to your imagination.


Kim Jong be-Illin is either in the hospital, doing well, dead, recovering, or playing a really long game of Monopoly. Maybe he doesn't want to leak that he's got the Flying AIDS.


We haven't heard from Idiot Governor lately, so we figured he was out where he couldn't do much harm. Naturally we were wrong. He was doing a tour all over the state, teaching the fish to socially isolate.


WTF is this fascination with Chicago? I was there once. It's windy - it didn't let me down in that respect. But the tv shows... Chicago PD, Chicago FD, Chicago Hospital. Coming next season: Chicago Bee Farmer, Chicago Walmart, Chicago Tampon Squad, Chicago Colonoscopy

Captivity - Day 38 The silence of jackhammers

Up early, it seems to be a combination of gray and brown, but moreso gray with a chance of  brown at some point, eventually. People are looking out their windows, expectantly, waiting for any sign of weather. It is true: there's a lot of weather out there.

Did you do anything special over the weekend?
Me either.
But we were thinking about it, so we get 10 points.
You know life has taken a bad direction when you're looking forward to a trip to McDonald's. I'd gladly pour a Wendy's frosty over my head for the chance to stand outside a Wendy's, perhaps a citizen, pretending he's driving a car. Anything that will get me closer to the pickup window. If they think I'm a few cans short of a 6 pack, maybe they'll let me up front of the line.


We're all thrilled about the shelter-in-place order from 49 states. They voted to contain California.


Lost in the PANIC over The Flying AIDS is homeschooling.
If Mom and Dad had to work outside, homeschooling was a bitch. If they worked from home, homeschooling was a bitch. Some kids' entire interaction with their parents is "When is dinner" or "Yo, bitch - where's dinner." And that's with Dad.

So, with a large jar of peanut butter and 2 spoons, off they went to 'school.' Homeschooling hopefully produces a child with critical thinking skills, much the opposite of public schools. They also get medical weed to smoke in the back yard. When their parents go back to work, the house will turn into a life size Jackson Pollock.


Wife wanted to be outside in the worst way, and she was. The dog and I had to pull her back in, while she was holding onto the door knob. Even a couple of HSN boxes would make her day, but alas, nothing showed up. She tried to chew through the metal door. She wanted to check out shoe sales, but we reminded her no stores were open (because of Idiot Governor). We may pack the car til nobody can see us in the car, and take a long trip. To Wendy's.


Who says you have to shave? Bathe?


Virus studies said there was virtually no way the Flying AIDS made it out of a lab. Last week, it was possible it escaped from a lab. At the beginning, it might've escaped from a lab.  At this point they're throwing darts at a board with the thrower blindfolded, in a dark room.



Businesses throughout the country are hammering their own Idiot Governors to be allowed to open. Kinda sad. Thus far, Idiot Governor has done nothing. Maybe he thought of it intensely, who knows? Perhaps the toothpick lobby finally got to him.

Captivity - Day 37 My boobies lie over the ocean

Hiya - it's a joy-filled day!
If you like gray/green cover from clouds the size of the northern hemisphere.
We're taking a great leap of trust by listening to the weather forecasters.

Don't forget: the first symptoms of the Flying AIDS is something. One group of experts says the toes. Another group of experts says loss of taste (I better shut the blog down). Yet another groups says a temperature. I'm beginning to think these experts flunked out of weatherman school.


Doctors and therapists are using conferencing services as appointments. This leaves a huge market for the rest of us. Get ready for DriveBySarcasting - Had too good of a day? Get a raise? We'll drive by, observing social distancing  norms, and blast out a genuine single serving of sarcasm! By the time your spouse sees you, you'll you're in Big Trouble!  Also available: blow up beds, for those nights your spouse would prefer you sleep elsewhere!


Brief News:
Scientists have come up with another wacky phrase: quarantine fatigue.
Use your imagination.  This is based upon your cell phone data - stolen directly from you. So we add this to shelter-in-place, covid, the Flying AIDS, and flatten the curve. Your homework: use them all in a sentence.

Chicken plants scramble.
Shouldn't that be eggs?

Couples are getting married on Zoom.
Nobody should be using Zoom, but the bigger concern is whether they will be broadcasting the wedding night. Followed by divorces on Zoom.


Speaking of which, I'm finding out there's a morass of legal issues when working from home. If you have sex with your SO, that counts as having sex at work. It is ok to have sex with your SO, provided one of you isn't supervising the other.



The joke is on Mrs lefty: she got a motion sensor light for the back yard. I had no idea it was in the Neighborhood Instruction Manual. She probably figured she could sail it by me when I wasn't looking. I showed her.... I didn't listen. She kept saying something about lights, deer, spaghetti, moles, and bunnys and the dog. Here's how it works: keep in its box for a year. Take it out of its box for a month. Refer to it repeatedly while he stares forward. Now here's the good bit: apply on a sunny day, without rain.... I WIN!  I WIN!


I hate when my friendly neighbors float by my house; some in crash position, some with small improvised craft. I was thinking of a tennis thingie across the street, so we can catch them as they go by. The problem is that we only like one of our neighbors.


I got a present from Satan Claws the other day. Is it a tablet with a keyboard you can attach. So you can sit there, in Starbucks, looking like you're working on the Next Big Idea. On in class or work - people will check your tech and you'll get a raise or an A in class: all for watching pr0n on your. Pro Tip: mute the volume, always.  Where was I?  Oh the tablet, yes.... It has a touch pad. You either love or hate touchpads, which isn't the point in this paragraph. There are no instructions. Normally we all deal with it and just get computing. But this becomes very difficult when you can't right click, left click, drag, or tell the tablet's manufacturer how you feel about this genius idea'

It would be nice if maybe you could find the instructions.
Looking for the manual would be a lesson in frustration. Lotta lessons here, right outta the box. This sort of pad is vaguely popular, so there is info (and reviews) in many place. Most of the answers are downright stupid. It took quite a while to get around to asking how to work the mouse.  What is wrong with this brand? I've never had a portable computing device with no trackpad buttons. My short ride on the internet produced a manual. Unfortunately for another model. Eventually I scared something up, figuring it out by an older manual.


* First you turn it on: this is the MAIN step and we cannot stress it enough.
* You might also want to see if the device is charged. Hold down any of 12 switches and look for a small light. I think it was blue.
* If there is no light, you bought the cheap version. Do you research things, or randomly throw money at it?
* In the event that the tablet comes up, we will not be responsible for it. Look for some garish goog graphic, take a few days off work, and get that thing off your machine.
*Now we're going to play hide and seek. The only one in the house who can operate the trackpad hides for a few days. The joke is on him, as the locks are changed.
* Back to the net, where we discover there IS a manual... they just didn't want us to FIND it. In order to left click, just move the mouse left. Same for right click. If you want to grab and drag, hold the most steady part of your body on the trackpad and yell GRAB - GRAB! It won't work. Try it again. By God you people are hysterical!  Left click, drag, put on your ruby slippers and say "OUCH - these things hurt." So, very quietly, put one finger on the trackpad, lift, and move your arm over your head, like an antenna. A very stupid antenna. If this doesn't work. we're going to recommend the Lego Computing Set.



Here's some stuff I want... I am not asking you for anything.. just the info on where it is:

• I drink Peet's French roast. I checked and they don't make a French roast in decaf (the bastards). So I'm looking for an absolutely nasty, dark roast that's so strong, eats the cup it came in (Keurig)
• a left handed Fender Stratocaster - up to the year 1959

Thanks.

You guys are the best.

Captivity - Day 36 I'd be a great singer if I could sing

The time we know as Weekend has started. We know because hopefully we got to sleep late. I did, which is certainly a major accomplishment. for me. Within 1 hour, Mrs lefty said I looked like my first nap was overdue; it's when see sees me looking a little green. No idea how I pull this one off, but who can argue with a free nap? Or a green person.

How do you know you're done you're done with your 1st nap?
That's a great question.

About the time it took to get to the sofa, I knew I was almost ready, but there was a small hitch: there was no one to give me permission to take the nap. Fortunately she had hidden herself well, out by the green stuff growing there. She knew that's the last place I'd look. Cheeky bugger.


We're at roughly 9 weeks since we've been in a car over for more than 5 minutes. I'd wear men's clothes again if we could go out.


I told everyone that it was only a matter of time until Gucci, Kate Spade, and Coach come out with their own coordinated masks. 1 for each day of the week. They could come to market in days. Women will snap them up, unless the Flying AIDS starts to go away.  They will help flatten the curve by giving up these $59.95 masks.


Wife runs out to 'take a ride' a lot.
Don't quote me, but I think she's actually shopping.
The 3rd time she asked me to bring in the bags was what tipped me off.


So about those hallucinations... I wouldn't recommend them.
It was a real bummer because I didn't get to see anything interesting.
I asked the doctor if he could come up with something for the weekend, or very late at night. Doctor not amused. At least he didn't say exercise. The neighbors either think I drink, or I'm Herman Munster. Let's just say I had some problems getting down the 2 steps to go out. It's not fair, if you look at it objectively. I tried drugs once and left them all behind. Now here I am, feeling like they're all coming back to pool their evil natures and turn me into a superhero. Dr Side Effects! Faster than an old candy bar keep under your seat. Because you're paying attention to your cell phone!. More disappointing than your penis not working on antidepressants! Doesn't hang out in your lip or nose hairs! It's Dr Side Effects!

So anyway, All those neato things that kept flying around me are no longer there. Either that or they're there and I can't see them during the day. Ooh, that's rather unpleasant thought.  MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. So no more hallucinations. The doc recommended another pill to stop me from being so animated in my sleep. Apparently I put on quite the show. With my clothes ON. I only fall up the steps if I have to lean backwards. On the bright side, they're cheaper than Frosted Flakes, but don't taste as good.

So right now it's 3 pills that directly work on the problem, and 2 for the symptoms of the 3 pills that work on the symptoms. Next time I'm going to ask for better symptoms. I'm not sure if they're working.. Perhaps the sea lions on the ceiling can give me a better idea.


Another billion dollar idea: Start advertising yourself as a divorce lawyer. If couples haven't killed themselves yet, it's only a matter of time. Also an OB/gyn.

Captivity - Day 35 Don't touch me there

The Tubes - Don't Touch Me There


Daily Weather Rant
As we know, there are exactly 2 choices in our weather forecast: Green and Brown. Today would definitely be brown. You can come up with the forecast with near 96,467% accuracy by taking the official forecast and flipping it around.


In a sad, sad discovery, the adult store was closed. Something about social distancing.


Idiot Governor is considering opening liquor stores. Now let's give this idea a bit of consideration: in this time of sickness and sheltering-at-home, how can you look me in the eye and say liquor is non-essential?



Stars join in coronavirus fight.
We're doing everything to fight the virus. In our homes. With chocolate popcorn, brought by the 'houseboy,' Lil-Dickie

Do celebrities still matter in a crisis?
Did they ever matter? 



In our daily show of civil disobedience, we all got in the car and drove around our block, blowing the horn. Without masks. Up Yours, Idiot Governor.


At least the hallucinations have been keeping us busy and amused.
It's kinda boring, actually, except bedtime. I went to our bedroom and stopped to let Wife get by me. Much to my surprise, she was in bed. She's good but she cannot bi-locate. Then I watched a dark gray thing go past me, out the door. My phone's light was on and naturally we saw nothing. Dog and wife were actively avoiding being awake. Up to this time, the random things seen were kinda funny. This one was a little concerning.

Also concerning that the hallucinations are visual only.
I like this, because I'd hate for those to get in a scrape with the ones inside my head.

The doctor was less than amused, saying I'm the only one this shit happens to. I am difficult. Hey, you knew this when I signed on. I'm here to challenge you.



SJW

COVID-19 kills more men than women.
Men demand equity, claim Coronavirus is a tool of the Matriarchy.