Hi, Kids - it's day 43 - that's 34 if you're dyslexic.
Sure is a nice day outside. Must be a nice day inside, but I'm not checking either, because I don't want to spoil things if I find out. It's probably snowing. Indoors.
We're at that weird part of the week, often referred to as Bobbi - with a star around the 'i'. Sometimes it's called weekend, but that's so passe. We previously discovered the only difference between week and weekend is how late you get up. So noon it was. All of that shit I was going to do on the weekend vanished, because I can't remember what I did with my Weekend List (wasn't that clever?). I added stuff to this list religiously, all week. I almost jumped out of bed, ready to tackle at least one project, like taking the bathroom trash downstairs or making sure there were no blue fibers in the vacuuming area. The blue fibers ruin the vacuum. I'm kidding - all fibers ruin the vacuum. It's never really easy to get out of bed, regardless of how much sleep I got, so that's why I have a Service Elephant. He never hurts anybody, but I always get a wide path to walk. His name is Iqbal, but nobody knows why (he told me this much).
As soon as I hit the couch on my first day of weekending, it's a countdown til my first nap. This can take anywhere from an hour to 7 hours, depending on external stimulation. Most things with me depend on external stimulation, so I nap a lot. It's a lot trickier for Mrs lefty, once referred to as having the mother of all sleep disorders. While I'm taking my first nap, she and the dog quietly get into bed. Since they're quiet, they left half the marching band downstairs. The entire house smells of brass cleaner. Making the extra effort not to disturb me, she talks to the dog smoothly and quietly. Responding accordingly, the dog leaps to my pillow and starts licking my face, until she has to be pried off. At least she was quiet. We have a bit of a baton race: I take the baton and go for a nap. When I'm done, I hand her the baton. Well, that's the theory. I explained baton to her, but what she heard was "Go to bed every 5 minutes or so until it sticks." Mind you, I've watched her sleep through 3 alarms.
Idiot Governor is facing the facts that other Idiot Governor are: people are pissed and nothing he says matters. The 2nd part of his plan goes into effect next week. This means businesses opening on their own have ignored his huffing and puffing. Anybody under 3 years of age would ask what's the difference between last week and this this week, and Idiot Governor would be stuck for an answer. People are unhappy and they miss their beer, alcohol, and having someone take their order in a restaurant. This won't change next week, because they'll mess up your order regardless of how it's taken. The invented these plexi hoods over the tables, so you only get to breathe your own air. After you pay your inaccurate check, the Sanobot comes along and puts your table in the shredder, making it useful for the next diners in a couple of years.
Godammit, I haven't had breakfast yet. Will someone get me the chocolate covered donut ice cream, please?
Saturday, May 2, 2020
Friday, May 1, 2020
Captivity - Day 42 Leave the damn elephant alone already
42 is the magic number, at least according to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe. And its author, Douglas Adams, is/was most always right, so major parts of humanity go with it.
10 minutes ago, the sky looked like the sun might win today.
At this moment, the clouds are doing their level best to banish any light, mirth, and fun from the skies. We may have to protest, the problem being, to whom.
It's Friday, conveniently the day after Thursday, as it is wont to be.
It's not as hazardous as Thursday, but we recommend a hazmat suit just the same. We will also continue, as always, to bring you absolutely nothing, but in a wordy sort of way. First (and second) off, we here at ThermionicEmissions want to remind you to keep your Flying AIDS news viewing to an absolutely minimum. I look at it once a day, max. Sometimes not at all. This has contributed a less than tragic overview of the World In General (WIG), as well as a general evil smile at the grass. Smiling at the grass is some sort of end-times sign. Because it rains here 8 out of 9 days, the grass grows like weeds, so there's constant mowing. Since I was bitten by a lawnmower (or something) when I was little, it's traumatic to address it. The flashbacks... the flashbacks...
Speaking of which, we knew it was going to happen, and it did so today. Yes, I went outside. Well, it was temperately sunny and I felt I should, or the voices would tell me I'm missing a vital part of being alive. I really have to have those voices fixed. - won't they be surprised. So there I was, on a perfectly sunny evening at 7:32, sitting on my own front step. Still entirely not sure why. Not much doing, except for my high-strung neighbor trying (once again) to put her husband's body through the tree-shredder machine. She told me they're difficult to clean and leave much forensic evidence.
So what are we going to do when Idiot Governor 'allows' us to leave our homes?
I have many suggestions (of course I do)...
- get a malt (they're available now, but f- social distancing
- guitar shopping (just to be next to them, even if they have no lefties)
- one of those goofy women's clothing stores for women who aren't small and women who aren't overweight. It's not for me to judge, but have you seen the pictures at the overweight stores? Women in bikinis? Lingerie? I know a few Chubby Chasers, but lingerie.... even other overweight women don't want to see that stuff.
- tuna, toilet paper, and pasta in supermarkets
- the Mexican place, which has takeout, - but we suspect the hot food and the ice cream won't survive the trip home
- maybe that real imitation pizza-like substance
How are the hallucinations?
Glad you asked. I looked out of the office yesterday and said to myself that the guitar is not supposed to move around like a snake. I figure that qualified as a hallucination. The problem with being a smartass is that nobody takes you seriously when you're serious. I say to doc that the medicine works very well, but I'd really like the hallucinations turned down a bit. The doc is laughing because I'm such a wiseass. "No, really, " is a phrase I use a lot..
NASCAR will be the first race starting in May.
An entire load of Idiot Governors will be on the tarmac to enforce social distancing between the cars. Failing that, they'll be used as orange bumper guards.
My ass hurts. It's from sitting on my front steps for more than 1 minute.
Thursday, April 30, 2020
Captivity - Day 41 Johnny-take that pen out of your nose
The main benefit of 41 is that it comes after 40, thus it's also divisible by 13.
After teaching all fish to social distance, Idiot Governor is now working on multi-dog houses. Somebody on his staff told him it's easy to speak dog, so he's out of the office again, spreading governorish advice.
If you're in the Philly area, only use cash or stop going to Primo Hoagies. They had a data breach that lasted 7 months. I'd like to take this time to urge your to try Lee's Hoagies. They're large and don't have any of those little seeds on them.
We'd characterize today's weather as brown, with some more brown later, followed by brown. There is s 10% chance the sun will make it through the clouds, but nobody's betting on it, It's also a bit windy, in the same way airlines want a bit of a bailout. Ladies were chasing their pocketbooks through parking lots, as men were chasing their hats. We need a 24x7 channel with this happening. The guy down the block who's building a complex underground, also traveled past our window, with a few of the safety elevators and a panic room or 2.
I don't fully understand this social distancing thing. I thought they meant while you were outside. Wife says that's wrong: it applies inside too. Somebody isn't telling me the truth.
Remember, during these odd times, not to run yourself over.
Dear lefty
Q. I have a 90 year old neighbor who's a real sweatheart. My office windows open toward her house. When I'm viewing
A. Good God, man, she's 90. You'll be surprised to see what she's gotten up to at her age. Try this: use the biggest monitor you have and put it in the window. If nothing happens, don't worry about it. If she's taken to the hospital, you might want to move the monitor. If you get a note in your mailbox, saying the production values were shit, you know you won't get a better neighbor.*
Did you know that if you hook 2 mice to a computer, they both work? Or at least they both flash. (uh-oh, he's out of material and scraping the bottom)
* Let me try to say something nice, although it hurts:
This lady was Marshall's buddy. At least one of them had a lot of conversations. She would do gardening at the fence, and Marshall would lay next to her. She went to the next section and Marshall would move. He was almost her dog by proxy.
Her son sent us a card when Marshall passed and thanked us for 'taking care' of his mom.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Captivity - Day 40 Who are you supposed to be?
This is a very special day because 40 is divisible by 7.
So this morning thing... it's not working out quite the way I had hoped.
I suspect something (more) weird is happening at the lefty Mansion.
Ever since Idiot Governor slapped the locks on our front doors, Mrs lefty goes out twice as much as before. Not that we went out anyway, but since she was told to stay in, she can do nothing but go out. It's like a cigarette: she can go 9 hours without a cigarette. If you tell her she's not allowed to smoke, all hell breaks loose.
We don't get enough happy news, so I'll start here: Feds buy 100,000 more body bags, preparing for the worst. Everybody gets up in arms about this stuff. The Feds are doing their bit to shore up the economy and play a Fed Game called Guess Who's in the Body Bag. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
Kim Jong be-Illin is either in the hospital, doing well, dead, recovering, or playing a really long game of Monopoly. Maybe he doesn't want to leak that he's got the Flying AIDS.
We haven't heard from Idiot Governor lately, so we figured he was out where he couldn't do much harm. Naturally we were wrong. He was doing a tour all over the state, teaching the fish to socially isolate.
WTF is this fascination with Chicago? I was there once. It's windy - it didn't let me down in that respect. But the tv shows... Chicago PD, Chicago FD, Chicago Hospital. Coming next season: Chicago Bee Farmer, Chicago Walmart, Chicago Tampon Squad, Chicago Colonoscopy
Monday, April 27, 2020
Captivity - Day 38 The silence of jackhammers
Up early, it seems to be a combination of gray and brown, but moreso gray with a chance of brown at some point, eventually. People are looking out their windows, expectantly, waiting for any sign of weather. It is true: there's a lot of weather out there.
Did you do anything special over the weekend?
Me either.
But we were thinking about it, so we get 10 points.
You know life has taken a bad direction when you're looking forward to a trip to McDonald's. I'd gladly pour a Wendy's frosty over my head for the chance to stand outside a Wendy's, perhaps a citizen, pretending he's driving a car. Anything that will get me closer to the pickup window. If they think I'm a few cans short of a 6 pack, maybe they'll let me up front of the line.
We're all thrilled about the shelter-in-place order from 49 states. They voted to contain California.
Lost in the PANIC over The Flying AIDS is homeschooling.
If Mom and Dad had to work outside, homeschooling was a bitch. If they worked from home, homeschooling was a bitch. Some kids' entire interaction with their parents is "When is dinner" or "Yo, bitch - where's dinner." And that's with Dad.
So, with a large jar of peanut butter and 2 spoons, off they went to 'school.' Homeschooling hopefully produces a child with critical thinking skills, much the opposite of public schools. They also get medical weed to smoke in the back yard. When their parents go back to work, the house will turn into a life size Jackson Pollock.
Wife wanted to be outside in the worst way, and she was. The dog and I had to pull her back in, while she was holding onto the door knob. Even a couple of HSN boxes would make her day, but alas, nothing showed up. She tried to chew through the metal door. She wanted to check out shoe sales, but we reminded her no stores were open (because of Idiot Governor). We may pack the car til nobody can see us in the car, and take a long trip. To Wendy's.
Who says you have to shave? Bathe?
Virus studies said there was virtually no way the Flying AIDS made it out of a lab. Last week, it was possible it escaped from a lab. At the beginning, it might've escaped from a lab. At this point they're throwing darts at a board with the thrower blindfolded, in a dark room.
Businesses throughout the country are hammering their own Idiot Governors to be allowed to open. Kinda sad. Thus far, Idiot Governor has done nothing. Maybe he thought of it intensely, who knows? Perhaps the toothpick lobby finally got to him.
Did you do anything special over the weekend?
Me either.
But we were thinking about it, so we get 10 points.
You know life has taken a bad direction when you're looking forward to a trip to McDonald's. I'd gladly pour a Wendy's frosty over my head for the chance to stand outside a Wendy's, perhaps a citizen, pretending he's driving a car. Anything that will get me closer to the pickup window. If they think I'm a few cans short of a 6 pack, maybe they'll let me up front of the line.
We're all thrilled about the shelter-in-place order from 49 states. They voted to contain California.
Lost in the PANIC over The Flying AIDS is homeschooling.
If Mom and Dad had to work outside, homeschooling was a bitch. If they worked from home, homeschooling was a bitch. Some kids' entire interaction with their parents is "When is dinner" or "Yo, bitch - where's dinner." And that's with Dad.
So, with a large jar of peanut butter and 2 spoons, off they went to 'school.' Homeschooling hopefully produces a child with critical thinking skills, much the opposite of public schools. They also get medical weed to smoke in the back yard. When their parents go back to work, the house will turn into a life size Jackson Pollock.
Wife wanted to be outside in the worst way, and she was. The dog and I had to pull her back in, while she was holding onto the door knob. Even a couple of HSN boxes would make her day, but alas, nothing showed up. She tried to chew through the metal door. She wanted to check out shoe sales, but we reminded her no stores were open (because of Idiot Governor). We may pack the car til nobody can see us in the car, and take a long trip. To Wendy's.
Who says you have to shave? Bathe?
Virus studies said there was virtually no way the Flying AIDS made it out of a lab. Last week, it was possible it escaped from a lab. At the beginning, it might've escaped from a lab. At this point they're throwing darts at a board with the thrower blindfolded, in a dark room.
Businesses throughout the country are hammering their own Idiot Governors to be allowed to open. Kinda sad. Thus far, Idiot Governor has done nothing. Maybe he thought of it intensely, who knows? Perhaps the toothpick lobby finally got to him.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Captivity - Day 37 My boobies lie over the ocean
Hiya - it's a joy-filled day!
If you like gray/green cover from clouds the size of the northern hemisphere.
We're taking a great leap of trust by listening to the weather forecasters.
Don't forget: the first symptoms of the Flying AIDS is something. One group of experts says the toes. Another group of experts says loss of taste (I better shut the blog down). Yet another groups says a temperature. I'm beginning to think these experts flunked out of weatherman school.
Doctors and therapists are using conferencing services as appointments. This leaves a huge market for the rest of us. Get ready for DriveBySarcasting - Had too good of a day? Get a raise? We'll drive by, observing social distancing norms, and blast out a genuine single serving of sarcasm! By the time your spouse sees you, you'll you're in Big Trouble! Also available: blow up beds, for those nights your spouse would prefer you sleep elsewhere!
Brief News:
Scientists have come up with another wacky phrase: quarantine fatigue.
Use your imagination. This is based upon your cell phone data - stolen directly from you. So we add this to shelter-in-place, covid, the Flying AIDS, and flatten the curve. Your homework: use them all in a sentence.
Chicken plants scramble.
Shouldn't that be eggs?
Couples are getting married on Zoom.
Nobody should be using Zoom, but the bigger concern is whether they will be broadcasting the wedding night. Followed by divorces on Zoom.
Speaking of which, I'm finding out there's a morass of legal issues when working from home. If you have sex with your SO, that counts as having sex at work. It is ok to have sex with your SO, provided one of you isn't supervising the other.
The joke is on Mrs lefty: she got a motion sensor light for the back yard. I had no idea it was in the Neighborhood Instruction Manual. She probably figured she could sail it by me when I wasn't looking. I showed her.... I didn't listen. She kept saying something about lights, deer, spaghetti, moles, and bunnys and the dog. Here's how it works: keep in its box for a year. Take it out of its box for a month. Refer to it repeatedly while he stares forward. Now here's the good bit: apply on a sunny day, without rain.... I WIN! I WIN!
I hate when my friendly neighbors float by my house; some in crash position, some with small improvised craft. I was thinking of a tennis thingie across the street, so we can catch them as they go by. The problem is that we only like one of our neighbors.
I got a present from Satan Claws the other day. Is it a tablet with a keyboard you can attach. So you can sit there, in Starbucks, looking like you're working on the Next Big Idea. On in class or work - people will check your tech and you'll get a raise or an A in class: all for watching pr0n on your. Pro Tip: mute the volume, always. Where was I? Oh the tablet, yes.... It has a touch pad. You either love or hate touchpads, which isn't the point in this paragraph. There are no instructions. Normally we all deal with it and just get computing. But this becomes very difficult when you can't right click, left click, drag, or tell the tablet's manufacturer how you feel about this genius idea'
It would be nice if maybe you could find the instructions.
Looking for the manual would be a lesson in frustration. Lotta lessons here, right outta the box. This sort of pad is vaguely popular, so there is info (and reviews) in many place. Most of the answers are downright stupid. It took quite a while to get around to asking how to work the mouse. What is wrong with this brand? I've never had a portable computing device with no trackpad buttons. My short ride on the internet produced a manual. Unfortunately for another model. Eventually I scared something up, figuring it out by an older manual.
* First you turn it on: this is the MAIN step and we cannot stress it enough.
* You might also want to see if the device is charged. Hold down any of 12 switches and look for a small light. I think it was blue.
* If there is no light, you bought the cheap version. Do you research things, or randomly throw money at it?
* In the event that the tablet comes up, we will not be responsible for it. Look for some garish goog graphic, take a few days off work, and get that thing off your machine.
*Now we're going to play hide and seek. The only one in the house who can operate the trackpad hides for a few days. The joke is on him, as the locks are changed.
* Back to the net, where we discover there IS a manual... they just didn't want us to FIND it. In order to left click, just move the mouse left. Same for right click. If you want to grab and drag, hold the most steady part of your body on the trackpad and yell GRAB - GRAB! It won't work. Try it again. By God you people are hysterical! Left click, drag, put on your ruby slippers and say "OUCH - these things hurt." So, very quietly, put one finger on the trackpad, lift, and move your arm over your head, like an antenna. A very stupid antenna. If this doesn't work. we're going to recommend the Lego Computing Set.
Here's some stuff I want... I am not asking you for anything.. just the info on where it is:
If you like gray/green cover from clouds the size of the northern hemisphere.
We're taking a great leap of trust by listening to the weather forecasters.
Don't forget: the first symptoms of the Flying AIDS is something. One group of experts says the toes. Another group of experts says loss of taste (I better shut the blog down). Yet another groups says a temperature. I'm beginning to think these experts flunked out of weatherman school.
Doctors and therapists are using conferencing services as appointments. This leaves a huge market for the rest of us. Get ready for DriveBySarcasting - Had too good of a day? Get a raise? We'll drive by, observing social distancing norms, and blast out a genuine single serving of sarcasm! By the time your spouse sees you, you'll you're in Big Trouble! Also available: blow up beds, for those nights your spouse would prefer you sleep elsewhere!
Brief News:
Scientists have come up with another wacky phrase: quarantine fatigue.
Use your imagination. This is based upon your cell phone data - stolen directly from you. So we add this to shelter-in-place, covid, the Flying AIDS, and flatten the curve. Your homework: use them all in a sentence.
Chicken plants scramble.
Shouldn't that be eggs?
Couples are getting married on Zoom.
Nobody should be using Zoom, but the bigger concern is whether they will be broadcasting the wedding night. Followed by divorces on Zoom.
Speaking of which, I'm finding out there's a morass of legal issues when working from home. If you have sex with your SO, that counts as having sex at work. It is ok to have sex with your SO, provided one of you isn't supervising the other.
The joke is on Mrs lefty: she got a motion sensor light for the back yard. I had no idea it was in the Neighborhood Instruction Manual. She probably figured she could sail it by me when I wasn't looking. I showed her.... I didn't listen. She kept saying something about lights, deer, spaghetti, moles, and bunnys and the dog. Here's how it works: keep in its box for a year. Take it out of its box for a month. Refer to it repeatedly while he stares forward. Now here's the good bit: apply on a sunny day, without rain.... I WIN! I WIN!
I hate when my friendly neighbors float by my house; some in crash position, some with small improvised craft. I was thinking of a tennis thingie across the street, so we can catch them as they go by. The problem is that we only like one of our neighbors.
I got a present from Satan Claws the other day. Is it a tablet with a keyboard you can attach. So you can sit there, in Starbucks, looking like you're working on the Next Big Idea. On in class or work - people will check your tech and you'll get a raise or an A in class: all for watching pr0n on your. Pro Tip: mute the volume, always. Where was I? Oh the tablet, yes.... It has a touch pad. You either love or hate touchpads, which isn't the point in this paragraph. There are no instructions. Normally we all deal with it and just get computing. But this becomes very difficult when you can't right click, left click, drag, or tell the tablet's manufacturer how you feel about this genius idea'
It would be nice if maybe you could find the instructions.
Looking for the manual would be a lesson in frustration. Lotta lessons here, right outta the box. This sort of pad is vaguely popular, so there is info (and reviews) in many place. Most of the answers are downright stupid. It took quite a while to get around to asking how to work the mouse. What is wrong with this brand? I've never had a portable computing device with no trackpad buttons. My short ride on the internet produced a manual. Unfortunately for another model. Eventually I scared something up, figuring it out by an older manual.
* First you turn it on: this is the MAIN step and we cannot stress it enough.
* You might also want to see if the device is charged. Hold down any of 12 switches and look for a small light. I think it was blue.
* If there is no light, you bought the cheap version. Do you research things, or randomly throw money at it?
* In the event that the tablet comes up, we will not be responsible for it. Look for some garish goog graphic, take a few days off work, and get that thing off your machine.
*Now we're going to play hide and seek. The only one in the house who can operate the trackpad hides for a few days. The joke is on him, as the locks are changed.
* Back to the net, where we discover there IS a manual... they just didn't want us to FIND it. In order to left click, just move the mouse left. Same for right click. If you want to grab and drag, hold the most steady part of your body on the trackpad and yell GRAB - GRAB! It won't work. Try it again. By God you people are hysterical! Left click, drag, put on your ruby slippers and say "OUCH - these things hurt." So, very quietly, put one finger on the trackpad, lift, and move your arm over your head, like an antenna. A very stupid antenna. If this doesn't work. we're going to recommend the Lego Computing Set.
Here's some stuff I want... I am not asking you for anything.. just the info on where it is:
- I drink Peet's French roast. I checked and they don't make a French roast in decaf (the bastards). So I'm looking for an absolutely nasty, dark roast that's so strong, eats the cup it came in (Keurig)
- a left handed Fender Stratocaster - up to the year 1959
Thanks.
You guys are the best.
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Captivity - Day 36 I'd be a great singer if I could sing
The time we know as Weekend has started. We know because hopefully we got to sleep late. I did, which is certainly a major accomplishment. for me. Within 1 hour, Mrs lefty said I looked like my first nap was overdue; it's when see sees me looking a little green. No idea how I pull this one off, but who can argue with a free nap? Or a green person.
How do you know you're done you're done with your 1st nap?
That's a great question.
About the time it took to get to the sofa, I knew I was almost ready, but there was a small hitch: there was no one to give me permission to take the nap. Fortunately she had hidden herself well, out by the green stuff growing there. She knew that's the last place I'd look. Cheeky bugger.
We're at roughly 9 weeks since we've been in a car over for more than 5 minutes. I'd wear men's clothes again if we could go out.
I told everyone that it was only a matter of time until Gucci, Kate Spade, and Coach come out with their own coordinated masks. 1 for each day of the week. They could come to market in days. Women will snap them up, unless the Flying AIDS starts to go away. They will help flatten the curve by giving up these $59.95 masks.
Wife runs out to 'take a ride' a lot.
Don't quote me, but I think she's actually shopping.
The 3rd time she asked me to bring in the bags was what tipped me off.
So about those hallucinations... I wouldn't recommend them.
It was a real bummer because I didn't get to see anything interesting.
I asked the doctor if he could come up with something for the weekend, or very late at night. Doctor not amused. At least he didn't say exercise. The neighbors either think I drink, or I'm Herman Munster. Let's just say I had some problems getting down the 2 steps to go out. It's not fair, if you look at it objectively. I tried drugs once and left them all behind. Now here I am, feeling like they're all coming back to pool their evil natures and turn me into a superhero. Dr Side Effects! Faster than an old candy bar keep under your seat. Because you're paying attention to your cell phone!. More disappointing than your penis not working on antidepressants! Doesn't hang out in your lip or nose hairs! It's Dr Side Effects!
So anyway, All those neato things that kept flying around me are no longer there. Either that or they're there and I can't see them during the day. Ooh, that's rather unpleasant thought. MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. So no more hallucinations. The doc recommended another pill to stop me from being so animated in my sleep. Apparently I put on quite the show. With my clothes ON. I only fall up the steps if I have to lean backwards. On the bright side, they're cheaper than Frosted Flakes, but don't taste as good.
So right now it's 3 pills that directly work on the problem, and 2 for the symptoms of the 3 pills that work on the symptoms. Next time I'm going to ask for better symptoms. I'm not sure if they're working.. Perhaps the sea lions on the ceiling can give me a better idea.
Another billion dollar idea: Start advertising yourself as a divorce lawyer. If couples haven't killed themselves yet, it's only a matter of time. Also an OB/gyn.
How do you know you're done you're done with your 1st nap?
That's a great question.
About the time it took to get to the sofa, I knew I was almost ready, but there was a small hitch: there was no one to give me permission to take the nap. Fortunately she had hidden herself well, out by the green stuff growing there. She knew that's the last place I'd look. Cheeky bugger.
We're at roughly 9 weeks since we've been in a car over for more than 5 minutes. I'd wear men's clothes again if we could go out.
I told everyone that it was only a matter of time until Gucci, Kate Spade, and Coach come out with their own coordinated masks. 1 for each day of the week. They could come to market in days. Women will snap them up, unless the Flying AIDS starts to go away. They will help flatten the curve by giving up these $59.95 masks.
Wife runs out to 'take a ride' a lot.
Don't quote me, but I think she's actually shopping.
The 3rd time she asked me to bring in the bags was what tipped me off.
So about those hallucinations... I wouldn't recommend them.
It was a real bummer because I didn't get to see anything interesting.
I asked the doctor if he could come up with something for the weekend, or very late at night. Doctor not amused. At least he didn't say exercise. The neighbors either think I drink, or I'm Herman Munster. Let's just say I had some problems getting down the 2 steps to go out. It's not fair, if you look at it objectively. I tried drugs once and left them all behind. Now here I am, feeling like they're all coming back to pool their evil natures and turn me into a superhero. Dr Side Effects! Faster than an old candy bar keep under your seat. Because you're paying attention to your cell phone!. More disappointing than your penis not working on antidepressants! Doesn't hang out in your lip or nose hairs! It's Dr Side Effects!
So anyway, All those neato things that kept flying around me are no longer there. Either that or they're there and I can't see them during the day. Ooh, that's rather unpleasant thought. MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. So no more hallucinations. The doc recommended another pill to stop me from being so animated in my sleep. Apparently I put on quite the show. With my clothes ON. I only fall up the steps if I have to lean backwards. On the bright side, they're cheaper than Frosted Flakes, but don't taste as good.
So right now it's 3 pills that directly work on the problem, and 2 for the symptoms of the 3 pills that work on the symptoms. Next time I'm going to ask for better symptoms. I'm not sure if they're working.. Perhaps the sea lions on the ceiling can give me a better idea.
Another billion dollar idea: Start advertising yourself as a divorce lawyer. If couples haven't killed themselves yet, it's only a matter of time. Also an OB/gyn.
Friday, April 24, 2020
Captivity - Day 35 Don't touch me there
The Tubes - Don't Touch Me There
Daily Weather Rant
As we know, there are exactly 2 choices in our weather forecast: Green and Brown. Today would definitely be brown. You can come up with the forecast with near 96,467% accuracy by taking the official forecast and flipping it around.
In a sad, sad discovery, the adult store was closed. Something about social distancing.
Idiot Governor is considering opening liquor stores. Now let's give this idea a bit of consideration: in this time of sickness and sheltering-at-home, how can you look me in the eye and say liquor is non-essential?
Stars join in coronavirus fight.
We're doing everything to fight the virus. In our homes. With chocolate popcorn, brought by the 'houseboy,' Lil-Dickie
Do celebrities still matter in a crisis?
Did they ever matter?
In our daily show of civil disobedience, we all got in the car and drove around our block, blowing the horn. Without masks. Up Yours, Idiot Governor.
At least the hallucinations have been keeping us busy and amused.
It's kinda boring, actually, except bedtime. I went to our bedroom and stopped to let Wife get by me. Much to my surprise, she was in bed. She's good but she cannot bi-locate. Then I watched a dark gray thing go past me, out the door. My phone's light was on and naturally we saw nothing. Dog and wife were actively avoiding being awake. Up to this time, the random things seen were kinda funny. This one was a little concerning.
Also concerning that the hallucinations are visual only.
I like this, because I'd hate for those to get in a scrape with the ones inside my head.
The doctor was less than amused, saying I'm the only one this shit happens to. I am difficult. Hey, you knew this when I signed on. I'm here to challenge you.
SJW
COVID-19 kills more men than women.
Men demand equity, claim Coronavirus is a tool of the Matriarchy.
Daily Weather Rant
As we know, there are exactly 2 choices in our weather forecast: Green and Brown. Today would definitely be brown. You can come up with the forecast with near 96,467% accuracy by taking the official forecast and flipping it around.
In a sad, sad discovery, the adult store was closed. Something about social distancing.
Idiot Governor is considering opening liquor stores. Now let's give this idea a bit of consideration: in this time of sickness and sheltering-at-home, how can you look me in the eye and say liquor is non-essential?
Stars join in coronavirus fight.
We're doing everything to fight the virus. In our homes. With chocolate popcorn, brought by the 'houseboy,' Lil-Dickie
Do celebrities still matter in a crisis?
Did they ever matter?
In our daily show of civil disobedience, we all got in the car and drove around our block, blowing the horn. Without masks. Up Yours, Idiot Governor.
At least the hallucinations have been keeping us busy and amused.
It's kinda boring, actually, except bedtime. I went to our bedroom and stopped to let Wife get by me. Much to my surprise, she was in bed. She's good but she cannot bi-locate. Then I watched a dark gray thing go past me, out the door. My phone's light was on and naturally we saw nothing. Dog and wife were actively avoiding being awake. Up to this time, the random things seen were kinda funny. This one was a little concerning.
Also concerning that the hallucinations are visual only.
I like this, because I'd hate for those to get in a scrape with the ones inside my head.
The doctor was less than amused, saying I'm the only one this shit happens to. I am difficult. Hey, you knew this when I signed on. I'm here to challenge you.
SJW
COVID-19 kills more men than women.
Men demand equity, claim Coronavirus is a tool of the Matriarchy.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Captivity - Day 34 a clean colon is a happy colon
Every now and then, I remind myself of the ahhhhhhh feeling I get from bathing; usually once a month or so. Working from home is exhilarating... so many negative things (in-person meetings, clothes, silicone toys, etc). If you're particularly eager to get out of a meeting, tell them you're not wearing anything below your shirt. Or women's underwear - adjust to taste. Or just a bra - people are fascinated by bras (unless it's a guy figuring how to take one off). Then there's the interruptions... PLEASE TELL THE DOG TO STOP BARKING, put a tit in the kid's mouth, why is it that you only become chatty when I'm in a meeting? Does the sound of talking from my phone give it away?
My stomach is getting weird (moreso). It lets me know I'm hungry before I know it. It's not the generic grumble, like normal people have; this kind actually speaks. When you're sitting there, minding your business, you start hearing stuff. It can even impersonate some of your friends and relatives. So if you hear one of your friends knocking on the door and cursing lightly, it's more of a complaint than a standard. Just the other night I heard it say "How bout some food, doofus?, in my brother's voice. It scares the dog." Lately it has been ordering pizza, in my voice. It also tries to pick up the owner's wife Even my stomach noises are doing better than me. Mind you, Mrs lefty wants to know why the owner's wife is always knocking at our door..
Speaking of stomach noises, they sound like they're speaking. Even Mrs lefty says so. We're just never sure what language it's speaking. They're pretty loud, especially when they speak to her.
HEY - did you just call me a fatass who couldn't ride a scooter?
Wasn't me. Talk to the stomach.
No, YOU talk to the stomach, when you want some dinner.
Chocolate covered ants
That is all.
My stomach is getting weird (moreso). It lets me know I'm hungry before I know it. It's not the generic grumble, like normal people have; this kind actually speaks. When you're sitting there, minding your business, you start hearing stuff. It can even impersonate some of your friends and relatives. So if you hear one of your friends knocking on the door and cursing lightly, it's more of a complaint than a standard. Just the other night I heard it say "How bout some food, doofus?, in my brother's voice. It scares the dog." Lately it has been ordering pizza, in my voice. It also tries to pick up the owner's wife Even my stomach noises are doing better than me. Mind you, Mrs lefty wants to know why the owner's wife is always knocking at our door..
Speaking of stomach noises, they sound like they're speaking. Even Mrs lefty says so. We're just never sure what language it's speaking. They're pretty loud, especially when they speak to her.
HEY - did you just call me a fatass who couldn't ride a scooter?
Wasn't me. Talk to the stomach.
No, YOU talk to the stomach, when you want some dinner.
Chocolate covered ants
That is all.
I'm not too concerned about the hallucinations because I heard about them while growing up. At that time they were drug-induced. Doing the Science, I don't do drugs (much to the surprise of others), I barely drink and when I do, I drink like a girl. No pills other than prescription (I have my own prescription pad), and I was weaned off lead paint by the age of 22. I miss that delicate taste. Blue really did taste better than brown.
So none of them explain why those just folded towels look like a dog. Fortunately it's not moving.
However, the things that are moving are a little frightening.
Yesterday the stairs slid down and became a water slide. This needs watching, because I use the stairs.
Ya know how you stare at something for a bit and it starts moving? I don't have to wait. As I type, there's a vertical junk storage thingy on the table. Everything in it is moving, but not at the same time. It looks like it might be sending Morse code, but the laugh is on it - I don't know Morse code. The gorilla hand is holding up a car stereo, as it sometimes does. The part that's odd is that it never moves. Til tonight, I guess. The garbage pile in my office sits next to a cleaning towel, and keeps being Mrs lefty all day. There's a perfect answer for this: even Normies could see it out of the sides of their eyes. Now that I know what it is, I keep looking at it, like it's her.
Oh yeah, I don't take LSD either.
The dog has been resting on the couch most of the night. She has the fascinating ability to disguise herself as a blanket. Even though I know this, I keep looking at her, to make sure she's ok. The radio antenna has got some motion to it, but only at the end. Last and least, soda cans have started appearing on the coffee table. Anyone, even the fashion-impaired, knows you don't put soda cans on a coffee table. Fortunately it's been cleaned. How do I know? Because I can see 1 square inch of the table top. If progress continues at its current speed, I'll see TWO square inches of table top by December!!
Meanwhile, Sir Paul is tuning up in the guitar room, He says I have more lefty guitars than he does. Stop sucking up, Paul.
Speaking of which, I'm not getting any audio hallucinations.
The top audio hallucination, as reported by Audio Hallucination Magazine, is Taylor Swift. It's not only this maddening - you sing and dance along with it.
One of the main purposes of this blog is actually to document one weirdo's descent into madness. Apparently we just put the water on to boil.
So none of them explain why those just folded towels look like a dog. Fortunately it's not moving.
However, the things that are moving are a little frightening.
Yesterday the stairs slid down and became a water slide. This needs watching, because I use the stairs.
Ya know how you stare at something for a bit and it starts moving? I don't have to wait. As I type, there's a vertical junk storage thingy on the table. Everything in it is moving, but not at the same time. It looks like it might be sending Morse code, but the laugh is on it - I don't know Morse code. The gorilla hand is holding up a car stereo, as it sometimes does. The part that's odd is that it never moves. Til tonight, I guess. The garbage pile in my office sits next to a cleaning towel, and keeps being Mrs lefty all day. There's a perfect answer for this: even Normies could see it out of the sides of their eyes. Now that I know what it is, I keep looking at it, like it's her.
Oh yeah, I don't take LSD either.
The dog has been resting on the couch most of the night. She has the fascinating ability to disguise herself as a blanket. Even though I know this, I keep looking at her, to make sure she's ok. The radio antenna has got some motion to it, but only at the end. Last and least, soda cans have started appearing on the coffee table. Anyone, even the fashion-impaired, knows you don't put soda cans on a coffee table. Fortunately it's been cleaned. How do I know? Because I can see 1 square inch of the table top. If progress continues at its current speed, I'll see TWO square inches of table top by December!!
Meanwhile, Sir Paul is tuning up in the guitar room, He says I have more lefty guitars than he does. Stop sucking up, Paul.
Speaking of which, I'm not getting any audio hallucinations.
The top audio hallucination, as reported by Audio Hallucination Magazine, is Taylor Swift. It's not only this maddening - you sing and dance along with it.
One of the main purposes of this blog is actually to document one weirdo's descent into madness. Apparently we just put the water on to boil.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Captivity - Day 33 It's raining ferrets
Like the damn thing up top says, we're into day 33 of captivity.
It's not at all punchy or violent. No weapons were pulled from the safe. No safe was there to pull the weapons from. It was a test, officer. I swear.
I suspect the wife and dog are against me. I hear them up all night, plotting and planting. What use is planting for me?
Must watch carefully...
I was going to start exercising, but when the Weather Guy said there may be snow toward the end of the year, I had to call it off. No use getting my chops together, only to find it's snowing.
It's a nice-looking morning, especially discovering that the medicine you got to calm down the side-effects of the other medicines, requires another med to stop its own side effects. This is the Shakespeare of Pill Pushing. Hopefully this will stop the body from randomly throwing itself at the ground. *Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing." - Douglas Adams
Let's try to make something positive of this.
ummmm..... I didn't have to mow yesterday?
I just got a stack of birthday cards. It was really nice.
I feel bad, so I won't tell them they're off by a few weeks.
The doctor told me to exercise.
He wouldn't take NO for an answer.
He didn't even believe that exercise causes cancer.
It took me hours to put together the scholarly research project, all for nought.
You've probably never seen anything like it, but I successfully flipped a pizza in the air, then it landed on the oven. I wasn't trying. You know if I tried, it would have cut itself into slices, got out some paper plates, and served itself to the ThermionicEmissions staff. It was kinda fascinating to look at Naked Pizza. Take everything off and you're left with crust tinted red.
To make things more interesting, the dishes staged a revolt. As I washed, things started to leap into the sink; either suicidal, or just to piss me off. Or both. Everybody headed for the Safe Room, but I explained what happened and they went to the Safe Room instead. 3 minutes later, the dried dishes joined forces with the dirty dishes, and it was ON. The off the rails moment was when a huge baking sheet flew itself at the ground. Practicing my newfound calm, it only made it to the roof. I gave up doing the dishes at that point, because I was worried about getting sliced up. It took another 20 minutes for the circus to stop and pack itself up. We have knives so sharp, if you even look at them, they'll cut off body parts. It's like the Amityville Horror, but with a really gorgeous dog.
Hey wait... we could do a reality show live from lefty place, and bring in a different exorcist every week. We could follow them around, asking really stupid questions. We could ask how the SM4 (Stupid Monitor) meter works and how many minutes it took to assemble it. One of the hosts will be an attractive female. At the end of every show, she'll get slimed. For some unknown reason, she never wears a bra...
It takesa lot very little to make me angry, up to and including flamethrowers.
When the ground starts shaking, low pitched growling noises, and many other socially difficult stunts, Mrs lefty grabs the dog and runs for cover. There are only 2 things that really get me going: Calling for support and purchasing something online. Well, let's start by listing commonalities... a phone, a computer, English as a second language and me. My browsers are so locked down that even I can't use them. It can take 8 browsers and 2 operating systems to make it through the transaction, plus a lot of screaming (but I am never rude to the person on the other end of the phone). I made a reasonable suggestion never to use a Social Security number for identification. She kept repeating that it was necessary for identification. Lovely script, no?
RING RING...
blah blah blah para primo pressy numero 13.
silence
Would you like to open your card?
If I didn't, why would I be calling you?
I need your SS#
No you don't. How come the Magic Phone Lady wants the last 4 and you want the whole thing?
It is for identification.
We shouldn't be using SS# for ID
We are just trying to identify you.
You mean all the info I gave you, including size of my ahem..., wasn't enough? No, you may NOT take a measurement for me.
It got downright hysterical when I called Comcast. Their server had an aneurysm when I asked it to do something. Then I got to play 14 rounds of CAPTCHA fun. How many buses can you spot in these blurry boxes? None - the boxes are too blurry. I have to give them credit: I got it all done on their page. Now they can fire customer service people. And you can't do anything because Comcast owns everything Disney doesn't.
Sad news this morning: work lost one to the Flying AIDS. He had gloves, mask and other protective gear. We salute him and hope for the best for those left behind.
It's not at all punchy or violent. No weapons were pulled from the safe. No safe was there to pull the weapons from. It was a test, officer. I swear.
I suspect the wife and dog are against me. I hear them up all night, plotting and planting. What use is planting for me?
Must watch carefully...
I was going to start exercising, but when the Weather Guy said there may be snow toward the end of the year, I had to call it off. No use getting my chops together, only to find it's snowing.
It's a nice-looking morning, especially discovering that the medicine you got to calm down the side-effects of the other medicines, requires another med to stop its own side effects. This is the Shakespeare of Pill Pushing. Hopefully this will stop the body from randomly throwing itself at the ground. *Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing." - Douglas Adams
Let's try to make something positive of this.
ummmm..... I didn't have to mow yesterday?
I just got a stack of birthday cards. It was really nice.
I feel bad, so I won't tell them they're off by a few weeks.
The doctor told me to exercise.
He wouldn't take NO for an answer.
He didn't even believe that exercise causes cancer.
It took me hours to put together the scholarly research project, all for nought.
You've probably never seen anything like it, but I successfully flipped a pizza in the air, then it landed on the oven. I wasn't trying. You know if I tried, it would have cut itself into slices, got out some paper plates, and served itself to the ThermionicEmissions staff. It was kinda fascinating to look at Naked Pizza. Take everything off and you're left with crust tinted red.
To make things more interesting, the dishes staged a revolt. As I washed, things started to leap into the sink; either suicidal, or just to piss me off. Or both. Everybody headed for the Safe Room, but I explained what happened and they went to the Safe Room instead. 3 minutes later, the dried dishes joined forces with the dirty dishes, and it was ON. The off the rails moment was when a huge baking sheet flew itself at the ground. Practicing my newfound calm, it only made it to the roof. I gave up doing the dishes at that point, because I was worried about getting sliced up. It took another 20 minutes for the circus to stop and pack itself up. We have knives so sharp, if you even look at them, they'll cut off body parts. It's like the Amityville Horror, but with a really gorgeous dog.
Hey wait... we could do a reality show live from lefty place, and bring in a different exorcist every week. We could follow them around, asking really stupid questions. We could ask how the SM4 (Stupid Monitor) meter works and how many minutes it took to assemble it. One of the hosts will be an attractive female. At the end of every show, she'll get slimed. For some unknown reason, she never wears a bra...
It takes
When the ground starts shaking, low pitched growling noises, and many other socially difficult stunts, Mrs lefty grabs the dog and runs for cover. There are only 2 things that really get me going: Calling for support and purchasing something online. Well, let's start by listing commonalities... a phone, a computer, English as a second language and me. My browsers are so locked down that even I can't use them. It can take 8 browsers and 2 operating systems to make it through the transaction, plus a lot of screaming (but I am never rude to the person on the other end of the phone). I made a reasonable suggestion never to use a Social Security number for identification. She kept repeating that it was necessary for identification. Lovely script, no?
RING RING...
blah blah blah para primo pressy numero 13.
silence
Would you like to open your card?
If I didn't, why would I be calling you?
I need your SS#
No you don't. How come the Magic Phone Lady wants the last 4 and you want the whole thing?
It is for identification.
We shouldn't be using SS# for ID
We are just trying to identify you.
You mean all the info I gave you, including size of my ahem..., wasn't enough? No, you may NOT take a measurement for me.
It got downright hysterical when I called Comcast. Their server had an aneurysm when I asked it to do something. Then I got to play 14 rounds of CAPTCHA fun. How many buses can you spot in these blurry boxes? None - the boxes are too blurry. I have to give them credit: I got it all done on their page. Now they can fire customer service people. And you can't do anything because Comcast owns everything Disney doesn't.
Sad news this morning: work lost one to the Flying AIDS. He had gloves, mask and other protective gear. We salute him and hope for the best for those left behind.
 |
| first tube on the Moon |
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Captivity - Day 32 WHO, UN, FCC, GTFO
It's Day 32 of our World Mask Countup
The sun is out. Like I said, it's a trap. It was really cold. Then it snowed for a bit, then sun again. I gave up trying. Unfortunately so did the sun, but there are plenty of people over the world, getting it wrong. They're called weathermen. And women.
Today's act of civil disobedience is driving around your area with no seatbelts and no mask. * you're gonna need balls - Philly police are known to carry garden hose, which doesn't leave marks. Plus most of the cops have a lot of free time on their hands, after announcing they will not show up for minor crime. They are not kidding.. I saw a convenience store with 6 police cars parked. Someone robbed the place and ran out. The store owner asked if the police were going to do something about it. The bastard had the nerve to interrupt donuts. The police asked if they called 911. Nope. They asked if he had a gun. Nope. They told the poor guy they're not allowed to work minor crimes unless there's a gun involved, then went back to their jelly donuts.
So if you ever need the Philly PD, you have to phrase your request thusly: Hello 911? I'd like to report my neighbor for having grass over the 3" limit. AND SHE HAS A GUN!
I think the doctor needs to adjust my medicine.
I'm sitting there, minding my own business, when out of the corner of my eye, a blanket had turned into the dog. Everyone did LSD when they were young, but it wasn't as effective as what I was seeing. A long shard of cardboard started moving. I worked out that if Penny wasn't eating it, it was not moving. I have to admit that jamming with Jimi Hendrix was pretty mind-blowing. Hmmmm,,, I wonder if I really want this 'fixed..'
I do not want to shelter-in-place; I don't care if it's Mila Kunis' place.
That would not be good.
Hello, Honey?
If you haven't heard, Idiot Governor says we have to shelter-in- place.
What does that mean?
You have to stay indoors, in a place.
When are you coming home?
We'll have to ask Idiot Governor.
Where are you?
Mila Kunis' place.
WHAT are you doing at Mila Kunis' place?
You know these stars - none of them can operate a toothbrush, unless there's a toothbrush app in their iDevice. Do you have any idea how hard it is to use 'that pose'? They buy the phones and then spend 14 days learning how to make it look natural.
Governments across the globe are talking about when to let people out of their homes. The World Health Organization, largely seen as as cash hole, is struggling (to come up with something fund-able), but they're hiding behind the UN, where no one would bother looking for them. I've seen grown men offer to cut off a limb, cook it, and eat with his best friends, rather than go to the UN.
President says we're de-funding World Health Organization.
Out of nowhere, WHO says, "Trust us. The worst is ahead of us."
"We're not kidding."
"We're the WHO - trust us."
"We've gone through billions of dollars this calendar year."
"The Center for Disease Control butt-dialed us once.
"Trust us. Please. We're the frickin' WHO"
Well, it's a secret, but trust us. We're spot on here.
Think of the tax writeoffs!
WHO wears masks normally? US.
How do you know this? State secret. Trust us.
We saw what was happening and bought tons of masks. No, they're for us
If you fund us now, we'll throw in the UN.
The sun is out. Like I said, it's a trap. It was really cold. Then it snowed for a bit, then sun again. I gave up trying. Unfortunately so did the sun, but there are plenty of people over the world, getting it wrong. They're called weathermen. And women.
Today's act of civil disobedience is driving around your area with no seatbelts and no mask. * you're gonna need balls - Philly police are known to carry garden hose, which doesn't leave marks. Plus most of the cops have a lot of free time on their hands, after announcing they will not show up for minor crime. They are not kidding.. I saw a convenience store with 6 police cars parked. Someone robbed the place and ran out. The store owner asked if the police were going to do something about it. The bastard had the nerve to interrupt donuts. The police asked if they called 911. Nope. They asked if he had a gun. Nope. They told the poor guy they're not allowed to work minor crimes unless there's a gun involved, then went back to their jelly donuts.
So if you ever need the Philly PD, you have to phrase your request thusly: Hello 911? I'd like to report my neighbor for having grass over the 3" limit. AND SHE HAS A GUN!
I think the doctor needs to adjust my medicine.
I'm sitting there, minding my own business, when out of the corner of my eye, a blanket had turned into the dog. Everyone did LSD when they were young, but it wasn't as effective as what I was seeing. A long shard of cardboard started moving. I worked out that if Penny wasn't eating it, it was not moving. I have to admit that jamming with Jimi Hendrix was pretty mind-blowing. Hmmmm,,, I wonder if I really want this 'fixed..'
- I'd get way more work done if the cabinets and chairs would stop getting all melty
I do not want to shelter-in-place; I don't care if it's Mila Kunis' place.
That would not be good.
Hello, Honey?
If you haven't heard, Idiot Governor says we have to shelter-in- place.
What does that mean?
You have to stay indoors, in a place.
When are you coming home?
We'll have to ask Idiot Governor.
Where are you?
Mila Kunis' place.
WHAT are you doing at Mila Kunis' place?
You know these stars - none of them can operate a toothbrush, unless there's a toothbrush app in their iDevice. Do you have any idea how hard it is to use 'that pose'? They buy the phones and then spend 14 days learning how to make it look natural.
Governments across the globe are talking about when to let people out of their homes. The World Health Organization, largely seen as as cash hole, is struggling (to come up with something fund-able), but they're hiding behind the UN, where no one would bother looking for them. I've seen grown men offer to cut off a limb, cook it, and eat with his best friends, rather than go to the UN.
President says we're de-funding World Health Organization.
Out of nowhere, WHO says, "Trust us. The worst is ahead of us."
"We're not kidding."
"We're the WHO - trust us."
"We've gone through billions of dollars this calendar year."
"The Center for Disease Control butt-dialed us once.
"Trust us. Please. We're the frickin' WHO"
Well, it's a secret, but trust us. We're spot on here.
Think of the tax writeoffs!
WHO wears masks normally? US.
How do you know this? State secret. Trust us.
We saw what was happening and bought tons of masks. No, they're for us
If you fund us now, we'll throw in the UN.
It’s only days until Gucci, Coach, and Target bring out their designer masks.
You would not be caught dead in a generic white mask.
It’s way too early to wear white.
There's a Walmart mask, but no one will wear it. The kids would rather die from the Flying AIDS than wear that mask. It's full of graffiti and diapers - the mask too. Children will be behind in life because their parents cannot afford Gucci masks. There will be thefts. A black market on the Dark Web.
Somebody call the Fashion Police!
There's what sounds like a Saturn 5 rocket launch happening next door.
After 2 days of cutting, planting, and serving as the only nice place on the block, the fuel truck is in place and working. They have one of those elevator thingies so you can get to the top, where the best seats are. I don't know a lot about rocketry, but I think there's going to be a bit of damage done to the rest of the block. Idiot Mayor won't do anything until we remind him that there was a black, Jewish, lesbian, vegan on the flight.
Monday, April 20, 2020
Captivity - Day 31 My companion elephant is worried
Hey, ho,
it's another Monday
yo.
Mondays are flowing by at a snail's pace, largely because Mondays look like Saturdays. Are we a little batty, having been locked in?
In eastern Pennsylvania, a war is brewing.
People on the east side vs people on the west.
The contention is about the proper word for 'you' plural.
Pittsburgh says yinz
Philly says yous
And that's it for today. Bob - tell them what they won!
Is it better to see things and know you're hallucinating, or to go "wow man, that's some wild shit." (asking for a friend)
States bereft of the Flying AIDS are few; New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania. New York because dey gotta tude. New Jersey because it's South New York, and Pennsylvania because we have Idiot Governor to do harm. No matter, When Trump says something, Governors lift their hands and say NO. - they will torture their citizens in their own way. And that way can include chain, stockings, more taxes, and specialty rubber bands. The last thing is a lawn sign that states hate is not allowed here, as the parties start to hate each other.
We can't tell if the weather is going to be green or brown, but that old dude is still loading animals on his boat.
I 'forgot' to read much news over the weekend, so I don't know if there were any acts of stupidity from Idiot Governor. It's a fair bet that there are. California governor Gavin Newsom is already sending checks to illegal aliens. By next week, he will start taking furniture from the Governer's Mansion and giving that away too. If he has any of those HUGE Caddy/Lincolns, I'll feign homelessness for it. I'd poop all over his office. He would say the illegals have come a long way and hand them 2 checks for $1,200 and a city job, displacing the American workers. Did somebody put his brain back in the wrong way?
How was your weekend?
There was a weekend? Why didn't anyone tell me?
Today I identify as the white Strat Jimi Hendrix played at Woodstock.
Continuing the Science series, we have learned that lawn mowers cannot become airborne with a human propulsion device attached. Today we're going to learn just how much force the human propulsion device needs to successfully. make it through your basic bay window. I'd get one of those plexiglas shields the stores have now. Also some hearing protectors, in case your wife is in the neighborhood.
Coming up next week: why does it hurt when I pee?
So I was wondering what the day had in store for me. I didn't have to wait long...
Wife and Dog running around house. Then bedrooms, Penny shrieking and whining. What happened? There was a bird in the house. Wife wanted it GONE, dog thinks they're tasty. She catches them outside. I then get a correction: 2 birds in the house. This is actually the second time this has happened. Wife suspects a window. The window she suspects is just over there, way up in the air, like a fork. Picture any ladder, then 2 acrophobes, terrified to climb them. But Wait!!! they're over 8' under the window, and you can't put most ladders on steps. So if you played 8, you're in pretty good shape now.
it's another Monday
yo.
Mondays are flowing by at a snail's pace, largely because Mondays look like Saturdays. Are we a little batty, having been locked in?
In eastern Pennsylvania, a war is brewing.
People on the east side vs people on the west.
The contention is about the proper word for 'you' plural.
Pittsburgh says yinz
Philly says yous
And that's it for today. Bob - tell them what they won!
Is it better to see things and know you're hallucinating, or to go "wow man, that's some wild shit." (asking for a friend)
States bereft of the Flying AIDS are few; New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania. New York because dey gotta tude. New Jersey because it's South New York, and Pennsylvania because we have Idiot Governor to do harm. No matter, When Trump says something, Governors lift their hands and say NO. - they will torture their citizens in their own way. And that way can include chain, stockings, more taxes, and specialty rubber bands. The last thing is a lawn sign that states hate is not allowed here, as the parties start to hate each other.
We can't tell if the weather is going to be green or brown, but that old dude is still loading animals on his boat.
I 'forgot' to read much news over the weekend, so I don't know if there were any acts of stupidity from Idiot Governor. It's a fair bet that there are. California governor Gavin Newsom is already sending checks to illegal aliens. By next week, he will start taking furniture from the Governer's Mansion and giving that away too. If he has any of those HUGE Caddy/Lincolns, I'll feign homelessness for it. I'd poop all over his office. He would say the illegals have come a long way and hand them 2 checks for $1,200 and a city job, displacing the American workers. Did somebody put his brain back in the wrong way?
How was your weekend?
There was a weekend? Why didn't anyone tell me?
Today I identify as the white Strat Jimi Hendrix played at Woodstock.
Continuing the Science series, we have learned that lawn mowers cannot become airborne with a human propulsion device attached. Today we're going to learn just how much force the human propulsion device needs to successfully. make it through your basic bay window. I'd get one of those plexiglas shields the stores have now. Also some hearing protectors, in case your wife is in the neighborhood.
Coming up next week: why does it hurt when I pee?
So I was wondering what the day had in store for me. I didn't have to wait long...
Wife and Dog running around house. Then bedrooms, Penny shrieking and whining. What happened? There was a bird in the house. Wife wanted it GONE, dog thinks they're tasty. She catches them outside. I then get a correction: 2 birds in the house. This is actually the second time this has happened. Wife suspects a window. The window she suspects is just over there, way up in the air, like a fork. Picture any ladder, then 2 acrophobes, terrified to climb them. But Wait!!! they're over 8' under the window, and you can't put most ladders on steps. So if you played 8, you're in pretty good shape now.
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Captivity Day 30 I see fire engines. Don't you?
Although my math isn't great, I've been sending these missives. Since it's 30, that's a month, hence we've been stuck in the house. Mrs lefty somehow needed to go shopping, but all the badass shoe stores were closed. You could say shopping was her favorite activity.
Don't poo-poo shopping. My mother likes a bit of retail therapy too, but in a different way. Mom loves to go shopping, then returns some things a few days later. We never know why, but talking about it would give us those headaches that require Heavy Medicine from a specialist.
I keep watching her with the bags and while no one's looking, I can see the shoebox, unless they changed color. Like last year. None of the really cool stores are open, because Idiot Governor waved his magic stick and POOF - the store was closed. In what universe are shoes not essential? I type with my love reading over my shoulder because sharing her burdens and acknowledge their issues. She says this sort of brings out my female side.
I have no female side. I am not gay. I have no alters. If I were to have a female side, one or more of us would be dead. Poor Mrs lefty: having to live with me, tolerate me well, and all that mind-boggling boom-boom... It's only a problem 4 times a year.
So we're as close to normal as a ouija board. We were as close to the Normies as possible. The only way to track her down would be heading to all of the local malls and parking. It's like a little slice of heaven. But they're closed. It's like a little slice of hell.
It was interesting weather, with sun all day; just now it's either partially sunny or partly cloudy. I slept through meteorology course, so I'm of little help. Either that or I slept through it. It seems that the people with degrees. the Snots, are not getting what they feel they're owed. The non-Snots, with half a diploma each, are calling from their work phone and giving them the NYAH NYAH SALUTE. The Stoners want to know what is this graduation thing, and they get a few tokes in early? The jocks are busy calling some kid a faggot and beating him up. So all is normal.
Don't poo-poo shopping. My mother likes a bit of retail therapy too, but in a different way. Mom loves to go shopping, then returns some things a few days later. We never know why, but talking about it would give us those headaches that require Heavy Medicine from a specialist.
I keep watching her with the bags and while no one's looking, I can see the shoebox, unless they changed color. Like last year. None of the really cool stores are open, because Idiot Governor waved his magic stick and POOF - the store was closed. In what universe are shoes not essential? I type with my love reading over my shoulder because sharing her burdens and acknowledge their issues. She says this sort of brings out my female side.
I have no female side. I am not gay. I have no alters. If I were to have a female side, one or more of us would be dead. Poor Mrs lefty: having to live with me, tolerate me well, and all that mind-boggling boom-boom... It's only a problem 4 times a year.
So we're as close to normal as a ouija board. We were as close to the Normies as possible. The only way to track her down would be heading to all of the local malls and parking. It's like a little slice of heaven. But they're closed. It's like a little slice of hell.
- Today I identify as an Arbys
It was interesting weather, with sun all day; just now it's either partially sunny or partly cloudy. I slept through meteorology course, so I'm of little help. Either that or I slept through it. It seems that the people with degrees. the Snots, are not getting what they feel they're owed. The non-Snots, with half a diploma each, are calling from their work phone and giving them the NYAH NYAH SALUTE. The Stoners want to know what is this graduation thing, and they get a few tokes in early? The jocks are busy calling some kid a faggot and beating him up. So all is normal.
- ignore this
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