So an Aardvark is an Armadillo After All?

Your love is like   boiling water on a burn

AirBNB is canceling all reservations in the DC metro area next week. The governors of Maryland and Virginia and mayor of Washington, DC, have asked all visitors not to come to DC for the inauguration.

The hotel industry has taken notice and wondered if this is some sort of new business model. To test this out, they have closed half their hotels for a NASCAR event Down South. Never one to be behind a trend, restaurants are closing down during this spring's food tasting event in New York City. Naturally the food delivery services are closing in sympathy. It doesn't look like a lot on the surface, but at any 1 time, half the retail industries will be closed in any state. Except Trump hotels.

AH-HA! 

After Trump's ban from YouTube, the service has agreed to keep a list of services on its front page, that Trump still has access to. They figured it wouldn't take up a lot of space. The Twitter Trump ban is not total, with him still having access to his alternate account, @realjoebiden

• Finally-justice for Flint. Former governor Rick Snyder and 8 other officials have been indicted on criminal charges in the Flint water crisis. The charges can be punished by up to a year in prison and a $1,000 fine.
• The same court indicted the CIA in doing "all sorts of bad things" to citizens. Between poisoning and mind control, the CIA could face fines of up to $100 and a weekend in jail, with 2 days off for good behavior.

The House voted to impeach Trump a second time. Realizing the futility of this gesture, they also voted on a resolution saying he was "Not a very nice person and has very silly hair, in spite of that Middle East peace thing."

For commentary on Trump's presidency, we take you to Walter Cronkite (deceased). 

Well, Bob, Trump's election to the highest office in the land (aside from Twinkie production) showed that 51% of the people had had it with business as usual. As his presidency comes to a close (Vegas gives you 10 to 1 on whether he'll last until Biden's inauguration), we see that 51% of the people really prefer business as usual, want their old thieves back in, and the swamp refilled. It seems they weren't ready for any sort of new thievery, and need to get back to thieves as they knew them. This should serve as a valuable warning to anyone trying to bring anything different or capable to office: the people don't want it. Gone are the days when people try new things - just give them politics as usual. Good night, from Walter Cronkite (continued deceased).

Remember: if Hillary had won, Trump wouldn't have had to order people to BLM the Capitol. Quite frankly, we were very disappointed in both the quantity and quality of the graffiti.

• If you're even slightly fluent in Flemish, you might want to check out "Het Schaamhaarboek" (The Pubic Hair Book). If you're lucky, you won't have to understand any Flemish. Maybe it's just a picture book.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (HI-HAT) asked Tesla to recall 158,000 Models S and X for touchscreen failures. Or just rename them Model F. Aside from the fault disabling driver notification and input, they said the vehicle retained its 4.7% Total Safety Rating. Next week the organization is to start looking into Tesla's Auto-Explode issue. The NHTSA calls this a defect, while Tesla refers to it as a feature.

US pet food recalled after 70 dogs die and others fall sick

Midwestern Pet Foods, based in Indiana, said the recall affected its Sportmix brand and other labels.

• Something else we all must work toward in 2021 is to get the salt off salted caramel. We've survived our entire lives without salt on caramel - I don't think it tastes good or is needed. Salted Caramel is the new Pumpkin Spice.

Remember: Congress' regulatory agency is You. 

You're doing a pretty poor job.

• 2020 tied 2016 as the warmest year on record. 
• 2016 could not hope to lick 2020's shoes in terms of sheer shittiness.

Today I identify as the huge spring on those ships, that flings the planes off. Sometimes they land in the water, but it's not my fault.

• America's roads became more deadly in 2020, in spite of Flying AIDS lockdowns.
• Of course they did: take away the traffic and people play bumper cars.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Hard Candy, King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard

So the hotels, AirBNBs and others are closed for the inauguration. The National Guard is there and has permission to use lethal force. A president and his more radical redneck followers have all been thrown off all social media.

Imagine if anything the opposition had to say was correct. This is how they defend their hold on everything. Think.

Mommy, when you turn the tv off, do the little men start at the same place when you turn it back on?

A man brewed tea from "magic mushrooms," injected it into his veins, and ended up at the E/R with the fungus growing in his blood. He should have drank it, then he'd have mushroom colonies growing in his stomach.

Andrew Yang is running for New York City mayor. He promises a Universal Basic Income (still no word on who's paying for it), a "people's bank," to-go cocktails. and he wants to attract so-called TikTok hype houses, where social-media influencers live together in big mansions and shoot videos together. And live happily together, with the most video-fab person running the place. But no eye-scratching fights. If unable to decide who is most fabulous, call 911 and the police will do it for you. 

No word on whether Mr. Yang has been consuming the magic mushrooms, but it looks like he has. People in extreme poverty would receive $2,000 per month at the People's Bank, the workers would control the means of production, and everybody would get Che Guevara t-shirts. Preschools would be universal and mandatory, teaching the good works of Mao Tse Dung.

New Yorkers are strongly advised not to vote for Mr. Yang, although it seems he has purchased the extreme poverty vote. Traffic disputes will be settled with blowup clown baseball bats, and the mayor and city council will all wear clown noses, befitting their contributions. The mayor himself will wear white makeup and wild orange hair, after he graduates from Clown College. 

• Influential punk guitarist Sylvain Sylvain has died, age 69.
• He died shortly after visiting Sirhan Sirhan.

The iPhone 12 has activated MagSafe, which can shut down pacemakers. Apple has given us not only the Smug of owning an iDevice, but the entertainment of walking down the street and shutting down random pacemakers. Imagine having the magnetic personality to make people fall to the ground wherever you walk? Apple cannot advertise this function, for obvious reasons, but the 12 (available now at $2,500) is flying off the shelves. 

In totally irrelevant news, non-Flying AIDS emergency room visits are through the roof (cardiac issues).

• Google is closing the deal to buy FitBit. But it's ok, they pledge not to use its data for ads.
• Google's spokesperson had to rehearse the speech for 4 hours to get through it without falling over from laughter.

My Service Elephant's Packages Haven't Arrived via USPS Either

Your love is like  the exhaust at NASCAR races

 

Yeah, it's not only me, even though I'm more amusing to read complaints from.

Firing up my trusty duckduckgo.com, because Google tracks you, I looked up who regulates the Post Office. You'll love this - they're called the Postal Regulatory Commission. If you have a complaint, send it to them. I figure we can start here, then go further up the chain if necessary. Where further up the chain is, I have no idea. Might be a chipmunk. Might be The Regulatory Commission of the Postal Regulatory Commission. Might be a Congresscritter on a commission. I figure it's time to do something. The squeaky wheel gets.... silenced.

You're not gonna believe this.....THE PACKAGES ARRIVED! Only 32 days after they were mailed. It's a new USPS speed record. In fact, the USPS is implementing a new standard: if your package is not received in 30 days, there will be no charge for the receiver.

So it looks like the huge government hack was the Russians after all.

We need to use this for every little thing we can squeeze out of it:

• No, Dear, I wasn't screwing that girl - it was the Russians.
• The dog didn't chew up your $800 purse - it was the Russians.
• I vacuumed, but the Russians dirtied it up again.

See how this works? Leave me a comment stating how the Russians did it to you.

Today I identify as  a boy demanding to join the Girl Scouts

SERIOUS NOTE: rape is rape, regardless of who's doing the raping

Hey lefty - what Zappa concert are you watching right now?

Funny you should ask if Humor Belongs in Music. The answer is, of course, ABSOLUTELY. If you ever wondered what a conductor does, watch Frank's arms. He's So Gay is hysterical.

Frank died of prostate cancer, a very treatable cancer. The docs screwed him over and didn't catch it til too late. Get yourself checked - ask your doctor. If you die, that's one less reader for the blog. I can't afford that.

Dear lefty 

• I fell down on my backside and the doctor said I broke my coccyx. Now my girlfriend won't give me any without a doctor's note. What do I do?
• buy her a dictionary and get her really drunk

Can onboard rollercoasters save the cruise industry?

I need to get a consultant job in cruising. I could clean up.

Let's start with the Flying AIDS thing. You put a load of people on a boat at this time, and it will return with many people infected with the Flying AIDS. This is kind of an important thing. Once past this minor hitch, I predict cruises will return to popularity. Business will actually improve, as people, sick and tired of being cooped up in their houses, will pay exorbitant amounts to be cooped up in a very small cabin on a ship. But at least there's shuffleboard.

Rollercoasters are a great addition to a ship, as well as other amusement park rides. There will be the requisite cameras to catch your face, as you plummet down the track. The cameras will also catch the spectacular effects when these rides fail. Can you imagine the rollercoaster having a 'bit of a problem'? The cars will be sailing out into the sea. The log flume will be spectacular, the way it flies down the track, right into the sea. Of course there will be pictures. The pictures will be even better when they get your face realizing you're about to hit the water and the chances of drowning are incredibly high (you can't swim). There's a great chance for a room upgrade, as some of the wealthier passengers plunge to their death on one of the rides. Somebody forgot to secure the track on the bumper cars, so they too go right into the sea. The children? We didn't forget the children. The very slow train jumps the tracks and, you guessed it, falls right off the end of the ship, into the sea. On the odd chance the children are saved, they will probably want to do it again. The captain advises against it.

Yes, my consulting gig will net me millions. In lawsuits.

Mainstream or Pr0n?:  I Am Not an Easy Man, The Nice Guys, Bus Simulator

• Faceyspaces is removing content supporting the belief that the election was stolen from Trump. If you type "stop the steal," it will be removed. Thank you, Faceyspaces, for protecting us from more words. Drop the FB. No matter your beliefs, you're allowed to believe them. And comment on them.
• An Idaho internet service provider blocked Faceyspaces and Twitter because of censorship. Subscribers would have to opt-in to access them.

The tech that will put your car's gauges on the windshield is interesting, and not without its critics. I'm willing to take a look.. perhaps the fact that it is in your line of sight will be helpful, instead of looking down at your dashboard. I don't necessarily see this as a problem. However, the input for X-Box games IS a problem.

• Yelp will now allow you to tattle on places that don't enforce masks and social distancing
• I have yet to have a positive experience with Yelp, and will page down to purposely get past it. It's a virtual home for trash to get back at a restaurant that didn't bring them enough napkins fast enough or refused to properly fellate the diner.

Trumpie has gone quiet since the rednecks ravaged the Capitol. In his case, quiet is worse than noisy. Doesn't it make you wonder what he's up to? Has anybody checked the ICBMs? Have they been repointed recently? Check the Biden/Harris inauguration chairs for superglue. Batteries still in Pelosi's breathing unit? Any flat limo tires? Toilet paper left in DC?

The FBI warned that Trump supporters are planning armed protests ahead of Biden inauguration. This means the FBI has been handing out a lot of weapons lately. Hint: check for MAGA hats, d00ds.

 

In an effort to make friends and generate positive press, Whole Foods (where one cannot buy an Oreo) is cutting workers' 15 minute breaks to 10 minutes.

We are standardizing our expectations for meal and rest periods across the company to maximize Team Member safety and productivity... 

I don't have the necessary lack of IQ and cruelty to get into Manglement, but I was wondering exactly how safety is maximized by taking away break time. Is Whole Foods saying their employees get less drunk on a 10 minute break than a 15 minute break? 

In totally unrelated news, Whole Foods is cutting insurance for its employees to make them safer. The theory is that if employees are not insured well, they'll perform their jobs more safely. The corporation also cut salaries for all retail employees for safety, security, and job satisfaction reasons. The entire retail employees union is breathlessly awaiting the explanation on this one. Next week, the Amazon-owned corporation will announce timers on bathroom stalls for job safety.

In an online scanner group, I watched people rush to help a guy with autism. Recently, I saw a guy ask a question, embarrassed because he was heading into senile dementia. The answers were fast and many, the guy was overjoyed. This is the real power of online interaction.

Reddit is Satan's Shithole, but I've seen some incredible acts of kindness. 

Twitter is Hell in under 300 characters, but at least you can get some abuse from someone, all day, any day. If the generic insults aren't good enough, you can always get your sexuality questioned. And no matter what you type, you're wrong.

Social media..... it's great!

Ipswitch, Australia has approximately 1 female garbage truck driver. The local council is designing a new female-only driver program to attract more women to the waste industry.

Why? Is anyone stopping them from applying?

SJW SMOKIN'

Not only isn't Google keeping up with its promised black hiring, it isn't hiring from historically black colleges and universities. Wow, that's impressive. Google not only has to hire a minority, but from certain schools. America's the best.

as if the Flying AIDS weren't bad enough..

The USPS Delivered All the Packages. Somewhere.

 Your love is like  shoving a Buick up my ass

The USPS tried to throw me a curve ball today, when notification of a long-missing package popped up. Like the last one, they inform me it's going to be late. They can't tell me how late, or even where the package is, but they sent me a notice, so now I apparently feel much better and won't write about it in my widely-read blog and get them in trouble.

The one package has spent literally a month wandering around New York, from where it was mailed. They keep assuring me it has hit Philly, but I'm suspicious, for some reason. Perhaps it will go back to New York for a while, because it prefers the weather. Or the accent. Strangely enough, the package from Michigan wandered around Michigan for 30 days, but they assure me it's out of Michigan now (and winging its way east to Panama).

You realize if these deliveries hit 40 days, I'll have to come up with something about Jews wandering around the desert, probably with USPS packages to deliver.

• I don't have any of their products, but I'm in awe of the FU-Tone name.

President elect Biden was advised to make a speech about the Washington riot. He was quite upset. Not about the riot...about being taken away from his Barbie Playhouse.

We have Barbies in the lefty Mansion. Too many. Of course, some would say 1 Barbie is too many. We have the Barbie Bus, Barbie Plane, and Barbie's Philly Crack House. It came with tiny replica needles and everything! There are Barbie clothes, which cost more than people clothes. There are Bob Mackie-designed outfits. We have a Barbie steering wheel cover, but I'm not mentioning it, lest someone try to install it. The internal kids think no moving vehicle is complete without a Barbie flag, especially construction equipment. When they get their earthmover, it will be Barbie pink, with a Barbie flag on the back. And then, as so many things go, the city will enact a no earthmover on the lawn law. I'll have to park mine on the street, with the rest of them.

Today I identify as  marmite

Dear lefty 

• I have a bandana hanging out of my right back pocket. My friends tell me that the right side is gay and the left side is straight. Have I committed a preferential faux pas? (I'm straight)
• take the bandana out of your pocket til high school ends and stay out of certain parts of the city if you don't

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Easy Vegetarian, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of My Basement 

• Apple is working with Hyundai on an electric car for 2027.
• Phew. Good thing I got my Hyundai early - all my friends would point and laugh (in a different way than they already do).

Conservative-friendly social network Parler is in a world of trouble. After getting thrown out of Google and Apple stores, they discovered that if Google and Apple don't like you, not many others do. This includes Amazon, which runs their servers (The Cloud)  They're looking for a way to get back online.

This points out the aforementioned agenda, but it starts to get hairy, because of some violent posts, like talking about killing the head of BLM. The thing Gab has over Parler is that Gab polices for illegal speech, although neither is in the Apple or Play stores.

And while we're at it, Stripe will no longer process payments for Trump's campaign site. No agenda here either.

Bright fellow Cory Doctorow says you must align yourself with a digital feudal warlord (Google, Amazon, FB, Apple, MS, etc) and if that warlord turns on you, heaven help you. 

Amazon and Walmart are telling some customers to skip returns of unwanted items. Turns out it's too expensive to ship them back. 

Hello, Walmart? I want to return this sweater. I only wore it once and It's quite ugly, really, like an Ugly Sweater Competition. 

We share your sadness. Please keep the sweater - it's probably full of the Flying AIDS anyway, and we'll credit your account. Looking at your account, you seem to return a lot of stuff.

I'm very picky. That's why I shop Walmart.  [sound of choking]

Hello, Amazon? I need to return this box of random Chinese sex toys.

Ma'am, the joke is on you, because you can't reach a human at Amazon. Think about this... do you want to rip the $1,000 bills from Jeff Bezos' hands as he wipes his bottom with them? Do you? 

Hello Target? I want to return this dress. It's an 8 and it turns out I need a 22. Plus it has red bullseyes all over it.

Hello, CostCo? I want to return this Chevrolet truck. It's the wrong color.

Sorry about that. Just filling the tank is prohibitively expensive, so keep it and we'll send you a new one.

--> although the CostCo customers are batshit crazy, you can return anything for any reason, even without packaging.

--> I really like saying batshit crazy. Or just batshit. Repeat after me: batshit crazy.

Hello Sears? I want to return this house. Whoever built it from a Sears kit back in the 60s did an unbelievably bad job.

Sir, we are bankrupt. They can barely afford to pay me to answer this stupid phone.

But they told me the guy who bought it that it was returnable if not fully satisfied. Plus anybody who would buy KMart is morally bankrupt.

Ok, Sir, we'll credit your account.

I don't have an account. They went bankrupt.

I'll stop by with a large sack full of bills, ok? 

Can't you send me a better house?

Sir, not only are we bankrupt, the houses haven't been produced since the 60s.

Oh, I see.. bait and switch. Bad faith. Pull the sweater right over my eyes, and other cliches.

Sir, how about if I bring a huge bag of cash and personally build you a house? 

How do I know you'll do any better than the last builder? It's a valid question.

Sir, do you live in Northeast Philadelphia or did you forget to take your meds today? 

Both.

We'll credit your imaginary account. You have a nice day now. 

• My incredibly heavy vacuum tube shortwave receiver isn't making a sound. I think I blew a tube. And boy did that hurt.

Don't forget - per the Flying AIDS relief bill, the president gave the intelligence agencies 180 days to produce an unclassified report on UFOs. This is almost a dream come true for researchers, and more than 60 years overdue for America and the world. The only question remaining is how the agencies are going to worm out of this. They have a long, storied history of lying, so that's a start. I predict one of the following:

• Lie and say they don't deal with UFOs, like they always have
• Produce a very light paper, short on facts
• Claim it's a national security matter and remain clammed up

It's not that I don't trust the intel agencies, but I don't trust the intel agencies, and those above them. I guess we'll see soon.

Ain't The Cloud great?

Whenever anyone says The Cloud, you are required to repeat it and genuflect. Or at least your CEOs and that level guys.

What happens is you have your Corporate Buzzwords, which must be spoken frequently, or the Corporate folks aren't doing their jobs. So a while back, the buzzword was The Cloud. Because of this, businesses began adopting things that were in The Cloud. They got rid of their mail servers and used horrible services like Microsoft 365, which was, you guessed it, in The Cloud.

Let's get to brass tacks. I don't know why brass tacks... they sound painful, like some sort of World War II torture. Let's get to the truth. In reality, The Cloud just means Someone Else's Computer.

So your mail is processed and hosted on Somebody Else's Computer; in this case, Microsoft's. Microsoft now has responsibility (sort of) for and control of your mail, and unfortunately, possession of it. Their service claims some ridiculous amount of uptime, like 99% or more, but you've read about the outages. Your mail is not under your control, so you can't make any changes. You've taken a security risk by letting it out of the building. Lastly, you've introduced a delay in receiving the mail.  This is not the way for a company to operate their email services, but it's the way companies are going. After all it's The Cloud, and they save money by farming out their email. And their IT services. And whatever else they can send. If the staff is particularly unattractive, their work goes out too. Your security goes into The Cloud sometimes, even if you have security devices in-house.

So down the line, when there's an outage, all you'll have is your work laptop or desktop, with no email, Faceyspaces, service, or security, because they're all in The Cloud.

Newer Corporate Buzzwords are Internet of Things (IoT) and Artificial Intelligence (AI). If you haven't heard them, you will. Artificial Intelligence is when some software will be put in place to do something humans can't or can't easily. It will perform functions like facial recognition, where it has trouble with black people. The Internet of Things is a very slow motion train wreck, wherein you wire up your house with 'smart' devices that fail when your internet connection is down, because they have to check in with their server before they work. This is a bit inconvenient when it's an oven or fridge. Security is bad or non-existent, so it will be a matter of time til your entire house is hacked, like people did with baby monitors. Do ya really want people from all over the world monitoring your baby, and telling it stuff you'd rather they didn't hear yet? Or ever? Do you want your car doing whatever the hacker wants it to do, while you're in the driver's seat?

There is a right way and a wrong way to do these things. Guess which way they're done currently?

• Ugandans have been warned not to eat dead fish that wash ashore.
• also warned not to drink bleach, stab themselves in the eyes with forks, and piss off people larger and stronger.

An app developer in Milton Keynes, England, used a delivery robot to deliver an engagement ring to his girlfriend, also a technology enthusiast (geek). After they wed, they will have virtual sex, with and without the robot. They will also have virtual fights and will ultimately get a virtual divorce. Presumably the robot will pick up the ring.

The US Space Force joined the US Intelligence Community, to defend the national security of the US. 

From what?

We have satellites to spy on every area of the planet. WTF is going on in space that we need defending from? Are they hip to Ziblat and his pals, performing all the mischief to confuse us? Putting up Roadrunner cutouts in front of the Mars Explorer? Taking it for the occasional joyride? Knocking on the Space Station doors? They're not harmful. Is it the others they're worried about? Are we able to do anything about them other than HEY FRANK - INCOMING! 

Some of the literature describes one alien race as 6' tall and beautiful.

SHIT. Can you imagine if models were aliens?

"This cosmetic is infused with hyaluronic acid and micellar water. They both mess with your DNA to produce beings better suited for our home planet."

Do you want to live on a world where people are beautiful but dumb as a box of rocks? Cindy Crawford has an engineering degree, but who knows about the rest of them. Master class in lip pursing? Books about how to do stuff to keep you in the papers? Winking at the non-gay guy on TMZ? Disavowing any relationship with the Kardashians?

But let me try for the positive in all this: maybe they need to reproduce frequently.

The line forms to the left, guys.

Dinosaurs Disappeared Because of Falling Desks

Your love is like  Windows

We all know of my great love for Win 10. Well, they've done it again. Win 10 is about to get a news recommendation feature. From the article:

the Windows 10 'News and Interests' feature will build a profile of a user's interests to display matching news stories and articles. The feature will also include various widgets that display the weather, sports scores, and stock information.

Win 10: an operating system full of holes that you rent, which builds a profile and  advertises to you.  Is that ok with you? 

• What has the CIA been up to on UFOs? The Black Vault has the entire collection, direct from the CIA, via the Freedom of Information Act.
• repeat after me: We at the CIA have no interest in UFOs and do not collect any information on them.

Those Shriners Hospital commercials are rough.

What's worse is that no matter how much you donate, you can't get one of those nifty hats. Don't ask.

Today I identify as Orange Coke

Police Translations 

I'm not going to arrest you: I don't have enough to arrest you

No, you can't smoke a cigarette - you just shot up a school: You really are stupid, aren't you?

What does 'dat not mines' mean?: We both know it's yours

Who were you holding it for?: We both know it's yours

Yes, you've been clean for a year: We both know it's yours

I may have to arrest you: Drunk AND ugly is a bad combination

Nice ink: You look like a circus freak

This is not a crosswalk: Got any drugs on you?

Your license plate light is out: Got any drugs on you?

You were doing 26 in a 25 zone: Got any drugs on you?

The dog didn't alert, so we're letting you go: We'll get you next time

Pot is illegal in this state-you can't drive and smoke, what's wrong with you: I'm off in an hour and gonna smoke bowls until I can't lift my head

I understand: Shut up

It's ok: No, really, shut up

Give me a minute, please: if you don't shut up, I will beat you with my flashlight

I'll get the dog: Neither of us likes black people

On your stomach ON YOUR STOMACH: Are you deaf or just stupid?

The police have developed a very effective tool: "uh-kuh" (OK)

My mom called me from Mars: Uh-kuh

They're not my pants: Uh-kuh

I didn't do it: Uh-kuh

Roughly translated, it means 'yeah, ok, whatever you say. I don't want you to talk more.'

What people don't understand is the power of this word, even when not used by police.

When you're talking to a friend who embellishes everything, Uh-kuh.

When your senile relative tells you their tv unplugs itself, Uh-kuh.

One simple word can make your life a lot easier. You're not arguing, you're not encouraging. If you didn't use the word, they would still be talking and you would be aggravated, possibly homicidal.  You're welcome.

• A New Zealand woman died of a rare suspected shark attack, while swimming near the guards.
• STAY OUT OF THE WATER. SHARKS.

Mainstream or Pr0n? Women of Troy, Inside the world's toughest prisons, All In with Chris Hayes, The Neurobiology of Obesity, After We Collided, The Rachel Maddow Show

• The aliens are continuing to mess with the earthlings. This time it's the planet's faster revolutions around its axis; faster than it has in a half-century.
• Ziblat told Bob and they were hysterical. Notice there's always a Bob? Probably a Karen too.

Look for a large, unannounced change in tv shows, effective within 2 weeks.

CNN, MSNBC, and every nighttime entertainment show must make drastic changes in programming due to Trump leaving office. They will simply have nothing to talk about anymore. Rachel Maddow will be hospitalized for shock and trauma, not to return for 6 weeks. CNN will have to go back to making up news with fake sets for most of their programming. The most important thing you, the viewers, can do is provide support and understanding. When there are huge splotches of no programming, send them an email of support saying you understand their plight. Tell Jimmy Kimmel you have sympathy for him and that his writers should get a break. They're probably still sitting, dumbstruck, staring at the chalkboard. 

Speaking of Trump, aside from watching Press with an Agenda, watch the ridiculous mob that made a (bigger) mess of the capitol. The first thing they'll do, the unbroken rule, is post their dirty deeds on Faceyspaces. Then there's the video surveillance from DC. Then the police (and relatives) will use facial recognition to identify them (as if Faceyspaces didn't provide enough information, including name, address, date of birth, exactly what they did, video of exactly what they did, their voluminous 1st grade experiences, and links to everybody involved (in the damage and in 1st grade).  My point here, aside from the thing on top of my head, is that people are stupid and we're beyond the surveillance state at this point.  I weep for my country - including its idiots.

• In case you're wondering where your vaccination is, black-footed ferrets are getting it, because they're at risk of extinction. Yes, I forgot to put the link in.

The continued outings to the bar, in spite of the Flying AIDS going outside moratorium, is ruining plans for Dry January. Apparently the idea is not to drink in January. The complaint about this was filed by both people participating in Dry January.

• Kohler now has a voice-activated smart bath. The fun you can have with this is beyond imagination....
• Bath- I need warmer water
• [children from outside bath] Bath - make it cold. Really cold.
• [hacker] Bath - color all water red, like blood

Connect the penguins! Connect the cows! Connect the shipping containers! Everything must be connected to the net! Tons of tiny satellites are going up to connect everything to the net.

I'm trying to decide if this is Skynet or the Number of the Beast.

Sir, the cows in Sri Lanka are farting up a storm.

You know those penguins? Yeah, they're dressing up in rainbow coats and going to clubs.

There's a nasty backup on I-95: 96% of the resulting traffic is rubberneckers, and 79% of drivers are saying curse words. Of the children in the cars, 73% are beyond control, and 82% of the infants' diapers are dirty.

We're detecting some sort of new flu among the Ooga Oogas in the northern rainforest area, and 1 of them has gone trans.

• the dog popped up with some candy the other day... candy we don't remember ever having in the house. Maybe she has a secret skill after all...

World Enemy #1, Bill Gates, wants to buy the world's largest private jet operator. In completely unrelated hypocracy news, his book on climate change is coming out next month.

1 thing about geeks: they're smart but not too good at sneaky.

• A spokesperson for the Democratics stated that Trump should be impeached. Again. And they are going to keep impeaching him until he leaves.

Parler, a right-leaning social media site, was thrown off the Apple store and Google Play.

Do you see where I'm going here? I have never seen Parler, but this is getting ridiculous. You are not allowed to have a social media site unless you march in lockstep. After Twitter threw Trump off, I'm considering moving off entirely. It's not that I give a rat's buttocks for him - I care that there's an agenda and want to support entities that won't be ruled by this agenda - Gab, for 1. Their traffic has gone through the roof lately, from people sick of the agenda. They too were thrown out of the stores and repeatedly deplatformed by businesses.

Note: if you're thinking of joining a right-wing protest group, vet it carefully. Some of them have white supremacists and other equally ugly participants.

• Puerto Vallarta was the scene of maskless gay male parties.
• Guys, guys, didn't you learn the 1st time? 

Cold Pop Tarts with a Warm Service Elephant

 Your love is like  watching Dr. Phil Drew Oz

• Remember: It's not art til I say it's art

You all know that dream, right? The one where you're in front of the entire school, without your pants? Apparently Glaxo Pfizer does too. In the commercial for their diarrhea pill, the entire band is onstage, then the singer has to run off to do some 'offstage singing'. The band stands there, touching themselves and waiting for the singer to come back so they can start playing. Life imitates art-art imitates life.

I actually had this happen to me, on the radio.

The singer was occupying a stall, which is great, when you have to. Unfortunately, the rest of us were waiting, counting down the seconds of a commercial, until we were to go live on a morning radio show. Fortunately for us, he made it with 3 seconds to spare. Maybe he shoulda taken one of those pills.... just sayin...

Stuff like that used to happen to us frequently, by which I mean a certain band member wasn't entirely with the plan. One guy would leave his wallet at gigs. Another, his pants. It's ok- he would change first. We would often have to have colleges send back his pants. Sometimes asking them to mail back pants was more fun than performing there. 

In an old band, a keyboardist walked off the stage in the middle of a song, to the bathroom. This was not normal behavior for band members, even my band members. I hoped he was ok, because he was a nice guy, and mostly because I couldn't play keyboards. Fortunately he returned. Unfortunately he had the sniffles. Not cold sniffles, induced sniffles. There was still some powder on his nose.

We used to do a lot of clever and up to date political material. We played at Princeton and were astounded when they loved us and turned our 30 minute set into over an hour. We realized we had to play for people with brains, which left out 96% of our audiences. The next gig was way up in Rhode Island. It's not like these folks weren't Princeton-level, but instead of laughing, they clapped along with the music, as if we were a band. And wore dirty white shirts.

So as long as we said penis a lot, they laughed. And poop, which is why we need those pills, so we weren't naked onstage.

When Joe Biden was informed of the MAGA rally, he immediately stood up and gave an impassioned speech. In the dark. Naked. 

The Secret Service is changing its mission. Instead of protecting the president from us, they're protecting us from the president. Kamala will do all the public speaking. If Joe tries, the Secret Service will surround him and cart him off, promising him he can fondle some constituents.

Today I identify as  Ed Gein's lampshade

I need help.

Of course you need help, you say.

Not that kind of help, thank you.

At some point in the day, in my office, I sometimes get tired. I've tried more coffee, which is usually the antidote for most things, but it doesn't work. I start nodding, while working. While this isn't explicitly frowned upon (and I have seen it when I used to work at the office), I don't like it. While napping is also not explicitly frowned upon (the lady who used to lay back in her chair and snore loudly is no longer there. She got promoted.), I'd rather not. At that point, it becomes a game of Try to Keep lefty Awake. I can sleep while standing, so that doesn't help. Someone suggested exercise, but I don't exercise (because it causes cancer). Eating sometimes helps, but if I ate when tired, I'd look like one of those hotties from My 600lb Life. At this point, it becomes self-abuse. No, not the kind you do in the bathroom. Snapping a rubber band against myself, hitting myself with a hammer, popping Mrs lefty's bra strap, driving small nails into my leg, phony threats to the White House, that sort of thing. Here's the weird part....  the moment I clock out, I'm wide awake. I like my job. There are many things to do. I even stopped harassing HR (although they keep inviting me back).

I read about a power nap, which is 20 minutes. This is just silly... there is no power in a 20 minute nap. In fact, all the other naps laugh at it because it isn't long enough, just like all your coworkers will laugh at you for sleeping at work. A 40 minute nap is a sleep cycle - I can do that on my back. But we just wake up, wanting more, which is why this is an Intermediate Power Nap. If you lay there for an hour or 2, that is some serious napping, yessir.  Plus your reputation at work will be well worth it. This Ultra Mega Nap will refuel your engines and is highly recommended if you don't like your job. The only downside of this type of nap is that you won't be tired at bedtime, and will wind up taking it out on those closest to you, like your spouse. This can fail spectacularly.

So I keep asking me why I am no longer tired. Perhaps after 5 I'm Stealth Tired - I'm tired but just don't know it. Since I have no answer, I nap, just in case. The public school system does not go into napping, which is but 1 of its many shortcomings. 

• The CEO of Waymo says building driverless cars is harder than rocket science.
• their internal motto is Mow em Down  

I'm a simple man. A simply complex man. A complexly non-simple man. A man who should get on with this thought ASAP...

We love our phones.. most of us. The thing we don't love is spam, specifically the calls. The worst are the calls where the phone numbers are spoofed with your prefix (if your number is 215-512-4555, the calls show up as 215-512-xxxx).  Yesterday I watched one spoofer try over ten numbers. Each was blocked and my phone never rang. I was deliriously happy (it doesn't take much). 

Yes, it's the little things.

Mainstream or Pr0n: Suggestible You, I Suck at Table Games, Made in Bangladesh, The Idolm@ster Cinderella Girls

As it expands to 12 more states, Comcast data cap is blasted by Congress.

You know me - business shouldn't be interfered with.

However, Comcast got into cities with sweetheart deals, so there would be little or no competition. We have some of the most expensive cable in the world for this reason.

• Verizon delayed its decision to shut down their 3G network.
• Probably because their 4G and 5G networks are so flaky.

Dell's new monitors come with a dedicated Teams button. If you're too lazy to push it, you can use the built in mic and Cortana.

Dell starts with D. Know what else starts with D? Drugs.

• The Grammys have been moved back to March due to Flying AIDS fears. 
• Now you can wait til March to say Why does anybody watch this shit?

Conflict has made Afghanistan an unlikely tourist destination. 

Tourism in Afghanistan? Only the CIA visits Afghanistan. And way too many of our troops, but not for tourism.

Come to Afghanistan for the Realistic War Noises, Stay for the Poppies

• With the historic election in Georgia, the New York Post's main story is Kim and Kanye splitting up. Are you starting to get it yet? At least mainstream media used to pretend it was relevant. Now all the pretense has been dropped.
• Meanwhile, Wendy has gone live until the crisis passes.

In yet another twitter apology, someone mentioned 'the privilege of not living an an abusive family.' Do you think Victim Culture has perhaps gone too far? Your uncommon and very unfortunate happenings do not confer privilege upon me. I sure as hell feel horrible for the victims and their families, but I do not enjoy the privilege of not being murdered. You?

That Flying AIDS vaccine?

The Moderna vaccine was developed with federal (our) dollars, then we get charged $15 per dose, x 2 doses. Initially Moderna wanted $32-37, then it got shamed down to $25-27, then shamed to a final price of $15 per. Pfizer did not take federal money and charges $19.50 per.

Someone recently lamented the time it will take to vaccinate all of our area. Mrs lefty piped right up and said no problem, they can have hers. How can you possibly argue with a woman like that (in spite of her taste in men)?

The CDC said severe allergic reactions to Flying AIDS vaccines are extremely rare. They also said everyone gets cotton candy and a $20 bill with their shot.

Here's something you don't see every day: liquid glass discovered as new state of matter.  Also discovered: Mexican food farts, which differ from regular farts. Vegetarian farts, which differ from Mexican food farts. Frog in a Blender (guacamole). 

Amazon, paragon of virtue and leader in fair treatment of its employees, will direct $2 billion in loans and grants for affordable housing near 3 cities where it employs thousands of workers. This is quite fair, and a real public relations coup. The only quibble is in definitions:

• Affordable housing: under $2 million per house in California
• Near 3 cities: within 160 miles, with no public transportation or public bathrooms
• $2 billion in loans and grants: $1.95 billion in high-interest loans, $.05 billion in grants
• Grants: loans

Jeff Bezos is so phenomenally wealthy, his ex-wife wants to marry him again. 

Then divorce him again.

SJW Simplitude 

How schools can reduce excessive discipline of black students.

"The line of supposed troublemakers skews black and male."

Wait, let me step in with a wild guess: because the troublemakers were black and male? Also notice that no notice was paid to reducing excessive discipline of male students.

I used to do this - I wound up with huge dental bills. But I never wound up putting that look on women...

Read All About It - Special MAGA Tries to Outclass Congress issue!

Representative democracy took a giant leap forward, and backward, when Trump supporters invaded DC. 

The man who attacked Nancy Pelosi's desk apologized profusely when arrested. He took full blame for misunderstanding Trump's plea for support. "Yes, he said to come to DC and support democracy. For some reason I thought he said to breach Congress and whiz on the Speaker's desk. I am frightfully sorry and will apologize to Speaker Pelosi personally after they use the defibrillator to bring her to life."

Capitol Police, when asked about the ridiculously lax security, said they didn't expect anything to happen. "Besides... we thought everyone was home, fretting over Kim/Kanye...."  When asked why Security was hiding in a closet, they said "They have guns! And besides - we've never had more than 2 people ask to be let in."

During the shameful, destructive display on the floor of Congress, the miscreants got more done than Congress in the last 8 years. Several states are insisting on no prosecution because they haven't seen this level of progress since the Old Days.

BLM and Antifa are wildly jealous, asking why they didn't think of this.

One protester, somewhat disoriented, stole Pence's bible. Another went to do some manual adjustments on McConnell's face, but didn't have the heart, after what someone did to Mitch a few weeks back. Another insisted on riding his tricycle up and down the halls, stopping only to have his diaper changed. A small group stalled when they couldn't spell MAGA.

While performing Congressional Mayhem, some of Congress stopped a few of them to discuss getting a few of their bills through committee. If there's anything the MAGAs know, it's the law. This did not play well with the democrats, who kept shouting they should have their guns confiscated (from behind bulletproof glass, with their armed guards). The MAGoids had to be reminded that just because you hang a few democrats on the wall by their clothes doesn't make it art. Also not art is making fart sounds with your underarms, penis puppets, handing copies of the Constitution to Congress, or asking for naked selfies with the First Lady. Plans for a food fight fell through when the republicans were holding their own and already had the room booked.

For his safety, VP Pence was spirited away to a local vegan restaurant, where no one would ever find him. Congress suggested that the president shelter in Afghanistan.

The mayor ordered the entire invading army arrested for not wearing masks or socially distancing. As they were being hauled off, they became confused, because peaceful protesting was ok when BLM/Antifa did it.

The president posted a video, asking for peace and telling people to go home, but Faceyspaces and Twitter removed it.

Also enraged were the Iranis, who threatened to fly a plane into DC. Their entire threat was overshadowed and they're very mad at Trump's supporters.

Glass of Water for Mr. Grainger

Your love is like bunyons

 

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale....

I saw more news coverage of Dawn Wells dying than peace in the Middle East.

And while we're at it, Bond Girl and Mrs. Pinciotti (70s Show) Tanya Roberts has left the building. 

BUT WAIT... her representative, who said she had died, now says she's still alive, but "It does not look good."

ThermionicEmissions remains flummoxed that people still have difficulty telling the difference between alive and dead. It doesn't require a medical degree: sometimes you can tell by, you know.... heartbeat.

HOSPITAL: she's in ICU

REP: she's dead

HOSPITAL: she's not dead

REP: it doesn't look good

HOSPITAL: we're beginning to see a recovery

REP: the recovery was temporary and short-lived

HOSPITAL: she's out of ICU

REP: It won't be long now

HOSPITAL: she's recovering, we sent her home with medicine

REP: she has gone home to die

Monty Python/Eric Idle: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD

AND FINALLY: Tanya Roberts has expired, per her boyfriend.

Because if he didn't know, who would? 

So hey - how is the USPS delivery of your packages coming, lefty?

Still 1 promising that it's coming - the USPS just doesn't know where it is.

The other, the USPS just gave up and doesn't send notices anymore.

I feel bad canceling my purchases...

• Tesla delivered a record 500,000 vehicles in 2020
• aside from bursting into flames, they're great cars 

Mainstream or Pr0n: Devil in Salem, Building "Java" Programs, Feluda.Pherot-Chhinnomostar.obhishap

Today I identify as a monocle

A giant black hole keeps evading detection and scientists can't explain it

I'm telling you, it's the aliens: "Hey DJ#&@NS%, move the black hole. Daily. That'll confuse the hell out of them."

• China did a great job, bringing back samples from the Moon. Joe Biden is worried that they also exported the Flying AIDS to the Moon. Future American astronauts will be required to wear masks.

the Atlantic's executive editor penned a scathing warning that vast social networks like Facebook "can harm society just by existing..."

But there aren't enough moderators speaking enough languages, working enough hours, to stop the biblical flood of shit that Facebook unleashes on the world

and I've been saying this for how long? 

But this person's ideas aren't going to work, because if you put a windshield or a keyboard in front of a person, you get Instant Asshole<tm>. A plea to 'play nice' won't go very far, nor will a place where niceness is enforced.

• Research on finishing a project once you start it shows that you need to cut your goals in half.
• We could have told them that. If you set your goal halfway, not to finish things, you'll be successful 92% of the time.

Remember how I used to say, "It's not a heart attack, it's a cardiac event?" The press is using it now.  It's getting to the point where I want to get paid for this stuff.

• As if the Flying AIDS isn't bad enough, Microsoft is planning 'sweeping visual rejuvenation of Windows to show that Windows is BACK'
• That's about right. One of the many problems with Win 10 is the complete redesign to fool users - hey, let's hide everything! Why not again? Microsoft keeps its fingers on the pulse of the world, to make sure they're doing something else.

My coworkers are all back from vacation. I can tell this because nothing is getting done. No, wait, that tells me nothing...their in-office indicators tell me they're back in. I'm not saying I do a lot of work: I'm saying they don't do a lot of work.

Dear lefty 

• My girlfriend and I are in love. We plan to marry next year, but she insists on holding out til then. My entire body is blue. What to do?
• ghb you 2 need to have a serious conversation, maybe some counseling. What kind of anachronism is she? What if you find out she lays there like a dead fish? These are the kinds of things you need to know before you get stuck together for life. If all else fails, tell her you're having 'pretend sex' - that way you didn't really have sex and she'll be ok til the wedding

There is a new prototype of the largest wind turbine ever - 4/5 the size of the Empire State Building. What gives me an industrial mega-wedgie is that there are guys required to get on top of the pole to attach the propellor. That's beyond scary. If this thing ever hits you, there won't even be a small red splotch on the prop to pull some DNA.

In related news, the Empire State Building is damn tired of being used for measurement. It says there are taller buildings - use them. It's old and just wants to live out its time quietly.

"A woman is dead after the car she was traveling in crashed .."

"Investigators say the driver failed to make the turn, hitting a pole head-on."

Doesn't sound like the car crashed at all, does it? Cars get all the blame. Or maybe the GPS told her to take the next pole.

RIP driver.

Another market being killed by the Flying AIDS is cocaine, although people are smoking more weed. Yet another example of how businesses are hurt by mandatory closures. Maybe one of those food delivery services can pitch in... 

Hello, Food Hub.

Where can I order from?

McDonalds, KFC, Olive Garden, or Dr. Ron's

Dr. Ron's?

Yeah, the doctor makes you feel better.

Does Dr. Ron's have fries?

Most people order Dr. Ron's and McDonalds.

How much do you charge for delivery?

$5 for McDonalds, $25 for Dr. Ron's, for bail.

Speaking of 5G, a bunch of people were convinced that Bill Gates was going to put a 5G chip in them; a schematic of the chip was provided. After a little study, the schematic turned out to be for a guitar pedal, the Boss Metal Zone. What a cool idea - the voices in your head can be all distorted. The only problem is that distorted vocals are almost unintelligible. We suggest you stick to the unmodified voices.

• Definition of Unsettling: during a 1 man space flight, a Chinese astronaut heard banging on the outside of the capsule. Fortunately it was not accompanied by Let Me In.

Let's stop the horrible news and get on to something arty: a 33 metre (4.5 gram) vagina sculpture in Brazil has the right pretty pissed off, so to speak. Man, you could get lost in there for days...

The CIA is rebranding to attract more diverse operatives.

So now if your government falls, or important people have 'heart attacks,' it may be because of a more diverse employee at the CIA. 

The Philly 76ers are ahead in their division. 

• Half of Philly said WHO?
• Half of Philly said Are they our minor league soccer team?
• 1/3 of Philly said And this matters why?
• I said Who cares about football? 

The only reason I know this is that I saw it on Channel 69 Sports. 

I saw it on 69! I saw it on 69! I'll never get tired of saying that.

How to Get Rid of Indoor Xmas Trees? Set Them on Fire

 Your love is like  self-inflicted shotgun wounds

California was a model in their protections against the Flying AIDS, now they have the most cases. The governor, Gavin Newsum (D- New Jersey) is confused as to how all his weird ideas failed to protects his citizens. Until he makes up more Science, he has ordered all Californians to wear beekeeper bonnets. And no clothes.

• Americans are banned from the Philippines over Flying AIDS fears, because no other country has the Flying AIDS

Today I identify as  an 80 year old breast. The left one.

Anthony Fauci, the World's quack Doctor, said shots may be mandatory for travel and schools. And driving the car, and shopping, and using public roads. This is how it starts.

A New York state lawmaker has introduced a bill that would allow the government to detain people deemed a potential public health risk, amid concerns that the Covid-19 crisis is being allegedly used to usher in authoritarianism. This is how it continues...

The Journal of the American Medical Association shows skepticism toward the vaccines is on the rise, among Americans of all stripes.

Funeral homes are running out of space. Let's put the stiffs in Congress, next to the elected stiffs.

The Flying AIDS has caused wide use of antidepressants and counseling in England, due to the lockdown. What happened to stiff upper lip and all that? The truth is they got up one morning and realized they elected Boris, who locked them all down. I'm depressed for them.

New CDC figures suggest death toll could be half million.

Las Vegas oddsmakers are taking bets on the next random number the CDC comes up with. Favorites are 120,000, 75,000, and 12.

Dear lefty 

• When I last visited my aunt, she told me not to bring my dog. The dog is very well-behaved and doesn't damage anything. Is this right?
• technically it's her house, her rules. In reality, torch her house. That'll show her

Nancy Pelosi's house was vandalized with a pig's head and fake blood.

This sort of thing is rude and unfair. To the pig.

• Larry King has the Flying AIDS and is in a Los Angeles hospital.
• We'd hope he gets well soon, but he died 20 years ago. What you see on CNN is the world's first deepfake video.

Between the Trump era laws and the Flying AIDS, illegal aliens are starting to go back to Mexico. Even California's open-arm welcome isn't enough. It's a sad day for America when illegal aliens don't want to hop the fence. All colleges in California are now on strike and the governor is in mourning, vowing to find new ways to give taxpayer money to the illegals.

• President-elect Biden didn't want to get the vaccine but his minders promised him that if he got it, he could go to the circus.
• Aside from being a rock star, I don't have a ton of lofty goals. But now that I mention it, I'd really like a minder. You know, a babysitter. John Bonham (Led Zeppelin) had a person charged with making sure he showed up places on time. At my level, that's called 'wife', but at higher levels, it's a Minder. This dude was on the Led Zeppelin payroll strictly to make sure his charge showed up, more or less on time, more or less functional. Of course he'd have to be paid double to make sure I never said anything in the vicinity of a mic.

A large blue UFO was seen over Oahu and appeared to drop into the ocean.

At this point, it could be anybody in any city. Call the police, who do or don't see it. Call the FAA, which says nothing on radar. Call the military, which says it has no planes in the area (although they might remember having planes in the air later). It makes the paper, then nothing ever happens.

Many reports place UFOs in the water, heading into the water, or leaving the water.

• There somehow appeared a container of almost almond milk in the fridge. On the container, it said "Refreshing Goodness," which is exactly what I was saying while I drank my lemon Snapple.
• Faced with zero sales, except in California, the Almond Milk Marketing board got together and decided sales would grow if they hired the FBI to break into houses and put almond milk in refrigerators. People tried it and sales still failed to grow. One of the board, who wishes to remain anonymous, suggested the entire board go into something with a chance of sales, like sugar-flavored sugar bits cereal, or herpes-flavored milk.
• The FBI was waiting for someone to perform an act of terror with the milk, so they could arrest them, for a major coup.

There is a tv commercial advertising a debit card that will allow the user to get their paycheck deposited electronically, possibly earlier than paper checks. The lady is truly excited because she can walk into work and tell everyone she got paid already.

Who says Americans have no goals?

• Note to police: "yeah, ok, 10-4" is like saying "kill him, hide the body, 10-43"

Didn't I say the military was busy defending itself from the military at Joint Base San Antonio-Fort Sam Houston? A drill sergeant was found dead in her car, shot multiple times. This military thing is truly dangerous. You don't even have to leave the country. Meanwhile, the 'investigation' into base deaths continues...

1. Sgt Jessica Mitchell: shot herself multiple times from outside her car. The base captain said he was very sorry and it would never happen to her again
2. Pvt Susan Smith: killed herself, put her body in a huge carrier, buried it 500 yards from the base
3. Sgt Devon Williams: shot himself with a shotgun, 5 times in the back of his head, hid the shotgun
4. Pvt LaDean Washington: raped himself, blamed his teammates
5. Captain Lee Brown: shot himself in the back 8 times to make it look like his squad fragged him

The base has modified its recruiting posters 

• Feel like killing people? Feel like killing yourself? Join the Army!
• We have a slot just for you - 6' under!
• Don't like your teammate? Kill him!
• Is your career killing you? You ain't seen nothing yet!
• Are you tough enough for this base, MAGGOT?

 

The Flying AIDS Hits Gilligan's Island

Dawn Wells (Maryanne) died of the Flying AIDS. Only Tina Louise remains.

Your love is like a splenectomy

The Flying AIDS is affecting us in other ways. The local Hallmark store has precious little inventory. They had to order less because of less traffic and they didn't want to get stuck with inventory they had to discount. 

The supermarket is pretty empty too, because they are having trouble getting food trucked in, because of a driver shortage.

Collateral damage of the Flying AIDS, and this is only 2 local businesses. The bright spot is that there are jobs. As I said the other day, healthcare is buzzing, especially home healthcare. Truck drivers. Fast food, convenience stores... I drive by many HELP WANTED signs. Go for truck driver first - we're all out of ice cream.

A 3rd vaccine has been released. No, it's not as effective as the first 2, but it's called 'vaccine', and people will put any old shit into their arms. Except in an Ohio nursing home, where 60% of staff has refused it.

A 2nd patient has died after the vaccine, but doctors 'do not believe the deaths were connected to the vaccines.' Besides - they were in their 70s and 80s and were going to die anyway. It was just incredibly coincidental they died, that's all. Nothing to see here, people, go home. 

Congressman-elect Luke Letkow, from Louisiana, died of 'heart complications'  from the Flying AIDS. For the non-medical people out there, his heart 'stopped beating.'

Los Angeles is launching a digital iPhone receipt for Flying AIDS vaccinations, which could well become a passport. Nothing was mentioned about androids, but this is understandable in LA, where one must have an iDevice to get into the city. "It's so much snottier than that other one" - Gwyneth Paltrow "We wouldn't be seen without ours" - anybody named Kardashian. "I can't even turn it on" - Alec Baldwin 

2/3 Americans don't care if digital devices are recording them. More than 2/3 Americans are idiots, but in this case, it's just 2/3. Children are growing up without the expectation of privacy and it's a bit unnerving. Teach your children well.

• Most played song of 2020? For many it's white noise.
• It's relaxing and tons better than anything else on the charts.

Alaska Airlines will be the first to ban emotional support animals. If this goes through, I will personally sue them. My support elephant, Iqbal, has gotten me through many rough times, especially on airplanes. In further species-ism, service dogs will still be allowed. Wait til I show them Iqbal's service paperwork. And his pilot's certificate.

In Manhattan, a man with a cane tried to rob a bank. He got away in his wheelchair. Police are looking for him.

Sorry, Captain, he got away.

What was he driving?

A whe.....[mumblle]

Sorry?

A wheelchair, Sir.

A wheelchair?

Yes Sir, a wheelchair.

Let me see if I understand this: a man with a cane tried to rob a bank and got away on a wheelchair. Is that correct?

Yes Sir.

Did he have a gun?

Just a cane, Sir

Knife?

Just a cane, Sir.

Was the cane sharpened to a dangerous point?

No Sir, just your regular cane with a rubber bottom.

Let me guess: everybody, including the security guards, was paralyzed with fear.

This is New York, Sir. Everybody ignored it and the guards held the door open for him because they were afraid of not being wheelchair accessible.

Was it a souped up wheelchair?

The video shows it was kind of broken down, Sir.

Did he have a getaway van right outside?

There was no vehicle - he just slowly wheeled himself off, Sir.

So you're telling me that a police force the size of an entire city cannot locate an old guy in a wheelchair. If we don't put a stop to this, mothers wheeling babies will start robbing banks. Paralyzed patients on gurneys. Kindergarten field trips. Old ladies after church. Trained cats. Do you see where I'm coming from? What am I going to tell the mayor?

We'll get him, Sir, I'm confident.

And from where comes this sudden confidence?

The old guy wasn't wearing a mask or social distancing. It's only a matter of time til some old lady beats the living daylights out of him.

I have confidence that the mayor will rest easier, knowing this information.

Today I identify as Wonder Woman. If you can't see my breasts, you're misgendering me.

I got my daily email from the USPS, telling me my package will be late, but it's definitely still 'in the mail' and on the way to the next facility. That's all they got.

• by April 2020, the adoption rates for dogs in the US increased by more than 30%.

Speaking of home healthcare, after my mother's aide tested positive for the Flying AIDS, it took her company a solid week to send a replacement. Obviously they had their best people on it. And speaking of best people, on her 2nd day, this aide was caught napping.

A year after Microsoft ended all support for Win 7, millions of users are still not upgrading

(Downgrading)

This is a tricky problem. These people will be the first with the torches and pitchforks when something bad happens. It's not like they weren't warned: Microsoft clearly communicated an End of Life date (look at me, defending Microsoft). On the other hand, who would want to upgrade to the monster that is Win 10? The advertising platform where you rent software. The spyware Swiss cheese operating system.

I'm honest... we all know I use linux, but I have to keep a spare virtual machine around, for times when companies won't let me use my chosen operating system. It's Win 7. I'm just not going to expose myself to Win 10. I very rarely have to use Windows, it's kept patched and safe as I can. Turbo Tax has no linux version and never will. Although it will run on Win 10, I won't. Keep in mind, Microsoft will not release any updates, unless there's a large emergency. There are also a bunch of people using Win XP(!). Hopefully they're not connecting it to the internet.

New Years Eve celebrations were a bit of a dud, thanks to Regulations. 

Wanna see the ball drop? Not in-person. Plus the ball had to wear a mask. The hidden benefit was not having to be in New York.

Wanna have a party? Cities were sending huge police forces out to deal with parties (because there wasn't going to be any crime that night).

Wanna go to a bar? Hahahahahaha. Idiot Governor and/or Idiot Mayor said no indoor dining, plus masks and social distancing if you were 'dining' outside.

Wanna sit with your spouse, some champagne, and watch it on tv? Ok, but not the kids or pets. Your tv will tell on you.

The NYPD was deployed, with bomb-sniffing dogs and people-sniffing ferrets, to make sure no one could see the ball drop in person. The mayor said, "Look - I've killed your fun for the whole year - why stop now? And the first person with a 32oz soda gets the death penalty."

There is a lot of opposition to President Trump's $2,000 check plan. This time it's from England, which keeps referring to them as cheques.

The Nashville bombing suspect hunted lizard people in a local park, believing that these Draconians were shape-shifters and bent on taking over the world. He claimed Justin Bieber and the Obamas were lizards.

Think about it - this guy makes more sense than most of the candidates in the last election. He just needed to add the royal family. And everybody knows you don't hunt for them in the local park... you go online or turn on the tv. Trump is not part of the lizard faction - he's a little weird and the aliens wouldn't let him join, but this answers the question about Hillary's large pants suits (to hide her tail).

Every year I list some of the people who died. This is probably a sign of some mental illness, but here goes:

• Terry Jones - Monty Python
• Neil Peart - Rush
• Kirk Douglas
• Bill Withers - "Use Me"
• Little Richard
• Carl Reiner
• Charlie Daniels
• Peter Green - Fleetwood Mac co-founder
• Sir Sean Connery
• Conchata Ferrell - 2.5 Men
• Eddie Van Halen
• Alex Trebek
• Dawn Wells - Gilligan's Island
• Lyle Mays - Pat Metheny and solo
• Kenny Rogers
• Leslie West - "Mississippi Queen"
• Spencer Davis - "Gimme Some Lovin"

The Department of Homeland Security has ordered federal agencies to update SolarWinds Orion platform. Because which agencies are too stupid to do it themselves? Because federal agencies want to keep this piece of garbage around? 

• I make this pledge to you: if I open YouTube and recognize anything on the front page, I'll start putting out rap records.

The Vatican announced that Pope Francis will not be attending the New Year's Eve or New Year's Day traditional events, due to "painful sciatica." In ancient Latin, painful sciatica translates to "I'm not going out there and getting the Flying AIDS. Just send me a little boy and I'll stay in."

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson's father is applying for French citizenship. This must be terribly embarrassing for the PM, unless his father is applying for both of them. I wonder what the procedure is to get French citizenship....

Repeat after me:

You English pig-dogs

Americans are savages - we shall not speak of them

I don't have time for your silly questions

Of course our food is better

When they say Gay Paree, they are not kidding

No, I don't speak English

Of course I wash

I confer upon you, French citizenship. Now take this ribbon and go be rude to somebody.

Sergeant - Arm the Dog Hair Bomb

Your love is like  used wrapping paper

It's early, I'm sitting down to work, and something's tickling me at the outside of my awareness. I know there's something just a bit off. I must've left a machine on. Nope. Look, look... an old machine I used to use has powered itself up, for no particular reason. Either that, or they're becoming alive.... ever wonder what they do when you're not around?  Yes, Mr. FBI agent, they must've turned themselves on and downloaded those files....

I just discovered I was the only one in my crew working on a (surprise) day off a few weeks ago. It's the smart wuns that make them really stoopid mistakes. As my childhood friend said, "You're the dumbest smart person I know."

Today I identify as  a coworker who never seems to do much

A small number of Flying AIDS patients develop severe psychotic symptoms.

Which seems to explain Congress....

Military recruiting crisis looms with youth too flabby to defend nation.

Who coulda seen that coming?

PRIVATE, gimme 10!

1... 1 and a half....

I said 10, maggot!

I... I can't... sir

10 laps around the course.

Sir.. I can't get to the starting gate.

What can you do, sissy?

You have any game consoles that need hacking? Chips that need eating?

Go up that ladder!

Can't, Sir - too far to go and afraid of heights.

Firing range!

No, Sir. Guns kill, like words. 

I SAID PICK UP THE GUN!

Too heavy, haven't had my Red Bull today.

In non-related news, human remains were found on Joint Base San Antonio. It appears recruits need to defend themselves from the military, not foreigners.

The Boeing 737 MAX is set to return to the skies (and hopefully not to the ground). Boeing has renamed the plane 738 MAX, in hopes no one will notice.

Tesla sales have somewhat slowed of late because they explode like a flamethrower. The slight dip in sales was followed by a surge in sales, among thrill-seekers, who enjoy the rush of knowing their car can burst into flames at any moment. Like fire. Fire good.

Tesla says that if you feel the car starting to go up in a fireball, get out of it and call their hotline: 1-666-GO BOOM. Tesla's plan to send a fire truck and another Tesla went up in flames, so to speak, when the replacement Teslas also blew up.

You better refund my money or I'll park my Tesla outside your store.

Wanna date? We'll go in my Tesla. It'll be a blast!

Sign in front of AT&T buildings: No Tesla Parking  

I have had some of the greatest sex of my life in my Tesla. It always ends in me getting blown to bits.

The Odyssey and even Dr Seuss have been burned by the Cancel Crowd, for use in schools. 

children shouldn’t have to read stories written in anything other than the present-day vernacular—especially those in which racism, sexism, ableism, anti-Semitism, and other forms of hate are the norm,”

 I, for one, welcome this Puritan-like censorship, if it means no more Shakespeare. Also canceled were:

• Homer Simpson: attitudes about junk food
• the one with the whale, Animal Farm, To Kill A Mockingbird: animal abuse
• Hansel and Gretl: elder abuse
• Catcher in the Rye: John Lennon abuse
• Green Eggs and Ham: promotes lax attitudes about food safety
• Roadrunner: everybody knows Coyotes are a code word for Jews
• Frankenstein: corpse-ism, many-isms depending on who the parts came from
• The Taming of the Shrew: sexism
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: able-ism
• King Lear: feudalism
• Gulliver's Travels, Little Women: height-ism
• Harry Potter: hatred of witches and potters

Anthony Warner, alleged RV bomber, is starting to show up in the press, with all sorts of stories of what happened before he allegedly blew himself (and AT&T) up. The FBI is investigating, which can only mean one thing: Warner was very low on the IQ scale, and was telling people he wanted to blow something up. The FBI encouraged him to go ahead, gave him the explosives, and now have named the culprit. They've done this a number of times, including a NY building bomber.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Through the Water Curtain and other Tales from Around the World, Uber Eats Clone

In case you think I'm a tinfoil cap wearing loon, check this article out, about cars being a treasure trove of information. While it's true, I am a tinfoil cap wearing loon, there's a reason for guarding your privacy with all the great new technology we have. 

The telematics system stores a vehicle's turn-by-turn navigation, speed, acceleration and deceleration information, as well as more granular clues, such as when and where the lights were switched on, the doors were opened, seat belts were put on and airbags were deployed.

This is just the beginning, especially if you allow the car access to your phone. This information is being accessed by police, advertisers, and who knows who else. Here's a business opportunity - a garage that hacks this crap out.

• The Flying AIDS bill has an interesting attachment: our spy agencies are given 180 days to disclose the truth about UFOs. 
• Damn. 
• Well, they can tell the truth OR they will say they have nothing responsive to the request. I say Rubio and Trump, with the press, should walk into Wright Patterson base and show everybody what's there. 

HIM: Let's play Epstein

HER: What's Epstein?

HIM: You ask me to massage you, then make me take my clothes off and have sex with you.

HER: ok, but only if you let me suicide you when we're done

• Wonder Woman 1984, yet another remake, is having questionable box office returns. Industry professionals are afraid to state that it might have something to do with having a trans man in the title role.

Queens of the Stone Age: they've been around for a while, but I haven't heard much from them, so I dove head first into a concert on tv. You know what they say about diving... make sure there's water in the pool. It's ok, I don't like anything.

• the Polk County, Florida, sheriff authorized a sting operation at a flea market, of vendors selling 'pirate' Amazon Firesticks.
• Don't they have any illegal gatherings to bust up?

It's lonely at work. The loneliest person ever is always the one running a meeting. I don't know who pulled their body parts out, but no one will respond to a thing the moderator says. It's not like anybody's going to get in trouble for an answer or much of anything. They just don't speak.

MOD: Hey, everybody. Good morning.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: Am I on? Can everybody hear me?

EVERYBODY: [silence].. [silence].. uncomfortable [silence].. [1 person] Uhh, yes.

MOD: So, you're all fired.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: Just kidding. You all got a raise.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: I'm trying to decide where to put the servers - behind the firewall, or just out on the internet, where anybody can get to them. Thoughts? Security Department?

EVERYBODY:

This is every meeting, whether 3 or 300 participants, regardless of moderator. Anybody who's read this blog more than once knows I abhor a vacuum. I was raised strangely, in that if someone asks me a question, especially someone who's paying me, I answer it. No one told me that was optional, so everybody got to know my voice. I realized I take some of the pressure off my teammates because they figure I'll answer the questions or do the work. OH, I get it.

I learned a valuable lesson at my first job: when the boss says 'we', he means 'you.' "We need to get that area cleaned up." The only time it didn't mean 'you' was when he said "We need to go to lunch with that hot rep."

The other day I let someone else lead, vowing to give only factual, 2 syllable answers. No sarcasm (someone wanted to check my pulse). This was because of a variant on the First Lesson: This is messed up. What are 'you' going to do about it? Gee, fella, what 'we' would normally do is call 'you' because it's 'your' equipment. 

Let me explain it another way: you set it up, you have admin rights, you fixed every issue we've had with it (after we called your boss). Whereas, we only have user rights and honestly believe there are squirrels running on a belt inside the machine.

Let me explain it another way: when I take my Chevy to the dealership because it's leaking something that looks flammable, the dealer doesn't ask me how I'm going to fix it. He just fixes it, claims the problem was out of warranty, and charges me for a new engine.

Let me explain it another way: when your wife wrecks the Chevy and asks what 'she' is going to do about it....  "Oh, I get it. Nothing more to say - I'll call you when it's fixed."

I want to learn to not answer questions in a meeting, but it's so hard... letting that dead air go... when I know the answer. Or use the opportunity to suggest getting rid of Windows and using linux on all servers. Sometimes people speak when I say this stuff... it's usually a mixture of groaning and loud applause. I have a new exercise: before I answer, I remember there are a lot of extremely intelligent people who have been there a long time and are in departments way over mine, so if they don't answer, maybe I shouldn't. 

Nah, just kidding - I have no problem telling highly capable people above me they're wrong. Plus somebody's gotta answer... don't they?

• Fish spaghetti?

Dear lefty 

• Why hasn't there been a Dear lefty in the last few pages?
• we're tired of your whining 
• Look, I'm serious.
• you don't look serious
• My girlfriend said either the guitars go or she goes. What do I do?
• ask her for a forwarding address 

Ebay is soliciting reviews on things people buy. Here's my first one:

It looked really great in the description. I tracked it anxiously, every day, even when it spent 2 weeks in the Delivery Abyss. So if it ever arrives, I'll jump back on and leave another review. How long should I wait until I cancel the order?

There are certain actors who get typecast in a role, for better or worse.

One of my all time favorites is John Astin (Gomez Addams). Sometimes I wonder if he was really acting. Whenever he popped up on different shows, all I saw was Gomez playing the part. That twinkle in his eye, that slight smile, that Zen Yogi. Morticia (Carolyn Jones) fared much better in other roles. One could argue it had something to do with not wearing a long black wig and a dress that only allowed her to shuffle. 

Then there was the Greatest Supporting Actor in a Comedy Who Never Got Recognized, Stephen Stucker (Johnny in Airplane). I just can't imagine him leaping into the air in a different movie, saying "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" or "and Leon's getting larrrrrrger." (RIP)

Forget John Cleese (or any of the Pythons) doing serious roles. There will always be a bunch of guys in the back, shouting "This parrot is dead. It's a stiff!" Note: this does not apply to Michael Palin's series on railway trips. He's dead serious. So very serious. Incredibly serous. I watched most of a show, waiting for a punchline. I broke my own leg.

Who else? Leave a comment.

• Why does this software make me log in to tell me I have been logged out, then I have to log back in? Was the alcohol flowing freely that day?

Happy New Year.

2020 is about to bite the big one, none too soon.

I wish you

Good health, happiness, financial and all sorts of other whoopee.

Read the label carefully.

Tell your pets Penny said hi.

Please don't drink and do much of anything else. Or just drink virtually.

Take your medicine (as prescribed)

Keep coming back and tell your friends (I can't get my own family to read this)

-lefty

Buy a tree, get a free Mercedes!