Don't You Dare Call Me a HO HO HO

 Your love is like  nose cancer

After her visit to the groomer, there appeared some hair hanging off her stub of a tail. As her tail never stops wagging, she looks like a helicopter. The groomer said she's the happiest dog ever; her tail didn't stop during grooming. Sometimes I wonder if we got the right dog. 

Today I identify as   a transgendered infant

There's a fair amount of fighting in social media (yawn-just another day) about the loon who mowed down the Christmas parade in Waukesha. Some people say the man was a BLM supporter who did it on purpose (his social media history has a lot to say about killing white people). Perhaps this is why the police wouldn't rule out terrorism (domestic).

At this point, I'm going with the official narrative: he was running from a knife fight and had pages of prior criminal history. After I watched some of the video, I said it looked like he could have done a much better job (stay with me). Check out the video of him hitting an early part of the parade - the girls with the flags. He seemed to miss them on purpose, looking like he was blasting by on the side. And they were black.

If more comes to light, I'll be happy to change my mind. Just the facts, ma'am.

Further, I predict there will be a look at the alleged justice system that let him bond out twice. Also, his current and ultimate incarceration will not be pleasant for him.  "We don't know. He tripped, Your Honor."

There are numerous Gofundme's set up for the victims. Gofundme just pulled one somebody set up for the perpetrator.

• President Taxit will require vaccines for all border crossers as of January.
• Even the illegals. They won't need documentation, but they will need proof of vaccination.

So we identified an asteroid that somebody identified as dangerous.

Because we're Badass, NASA launched a mission to bomb it.

WTF is going on with us? We bombed the Moon. We bombed the asteroid. We bombed Japan. IF there are any aliens watching, they have a vested interest in not letting us off the planet.

--We are a primitive society whose major activity is clearly tribal warfare.  - the father of UFO research - Stanton Friedman (RIP)

• It's not enough that our legislators are a rogue's gallery of incompetent idiots - now we have Dr. Oz running for PA Senate. This cannot stand as goofy enough. We need even sillier candidates! Keep Pennsylvania the laughingstock of the states....
• how about Dr. Phil? Britney Spears (she has paperwork!). Joan Rivers (even dead, she'd have to be better). All of the sudden Richard Nixon doesn't seem that bad, does he? Better yet, one of those lizards with toxic mouth bacteria that will kill you if it bites!
• don't laugh, Texas - Matthew McConaghay(?) looks good for governor. On the last Sunday of the month, everybody will get stoned, get naked, and play the bongos at the governor's mansion.

Flying AIDS News  

Child COVID cases are on the rise, jumping 32% in latest surge

Austrian Chancellor: 'You don’t only have rights, you have obligations'

Democracy slipping away at record rate, intergovernmental body warns

must be coincidence it got worse during the Flying AIDS

Fury as controlling bureaucrats demand millions of Australians wear masks through the Christmas season even though 95% will be fully vaxxed

Denver renews mask mandate as COVID-19 cases surge in Colorado

Germany mulls full lockdown, vaccine mandate

(and not just... you know.. the Jews.. They want to be very specific about that. There is absolutely none of that going on anymore. Even with the neo-nazis. NOTHING like that is happening, they assure us. Nothing could happen anyway, because 'someone' didn't pay his gas bills last time. NOTHING. NEIN. NO WAY, BABY)

Italy to restrict access of unvaccinated to indoor venues - sources

Switzerland On Edge Ahead Of Covid Pass Vote

Covid-19 Antibody Tests in Demand as People Worry About Immunity
Doctors say what constitutes a sufficient level of protection against the virus isn’t known

COVID-19 vaccine can be bundled with routine childhood vaccinations, AAP says

Covid-19 Vaccines or Infections: Which Carries the Stronger Immunity?

More noise about programs on phones:

Only install the programs that don't look like they were hastily translated from a foreign language. From known authors, with many users and ratings from more than one person.

Speaking of which....
Amazon wages secret war on Americans' privacy, documents show

• Coffee May Help Prevent Onset of Alzheimer’s Disease
• at the rate we're drinking, it will never onset

Some call me a-religious. Some say I have no faith. Some call me Jennifer. Ladies and Gents, I'm about to come in from the cold. I have seen verifiable proof that God exists. Valerie Bertinelli is splitting up with her second husband. Now God, I don't want to sound selfish, but if you could do something about Mrs. lefty's strict No Dating Policy, I will shout your name from the rooftops. 

It's either that or the universe is just fscking with me again.

So after insurance paid $10 grand to fix the body of the car, someone tapped it today. Fortunately it was just the mirror, and it moved as it was supposed to. I am going to install video cameras, firearms, and lasers. The next person who so much as looks at my car will be in more hurt than a Waukesha Christmas parade.

We just coined the phrase 'busier than a Costco parking lot.' Drivers are dangerous there, but today was an entirely new phenomenon: there were 53 cars waiting to get in the lot and park. As bad as that was, we still had to go inside Costco, which is a task for people way more brave (or stupid) than me.  It's not that the place angers or bores me (or makes me want to take a job with the postal service), but all I want is one of their berry slushies, from the area after you pay. Wife knows I am not suited to be inside the store. One time I saw the long line to check out, and started screaming that this was not acceptable. People stared. They opened a line or two. So being angry and loud helps (most people don't agree, especially after I've done it) (fsck them).

• Soccer legend Maradona Was Buried Without His Heart So Soccer Fans Wouldn’t Steal It
• I wonder if Jimi Hendrix was buried without his penis...

We decided Turkey Day was going to be different this year.

We received one really half-hearted invitation to dinner. Err... no thanks. We're going to keep it personal and local this year, hopefully avoiding the fire company, like last year.

Mrs. lefty is a great cook, but hasn't done the turkey thing in years. So she tends to forget things... like the turkey.

Once that got straightened out, the house filled with the delicious aroma of a turkey. In the oven this time.

I didn't know, though... I was sleeping. It was before 2pm, after all.

Stumbling downstairs, it was all I could do to produce coffee. It's a good thing eight ounces is the default on the Keurig, or I would need an ambulance. I need coffee, not so much to get going as to start breathing.

To be fair, I asked Mrs. lefty if she needed any help, praying internally that the answer was no, so I could begin the process of breathing and getting blood to my fingers.

Me: Do you need anything?

Her: No, thank you. In an hour, I will need you to pull it out. The turkey, I mean.

Me: Good, dammit.

I sat down to check email (I can do this without blood flow or being conscious). Ahhhhhh.....

Her: can you get me the vegetables?

Me: grumble... (gets up) here.

I sat down to check email.

Her: can you drain the sausage? I can't find the strainer - you can use a teaspoon.

I sat down to check email.

The dog realized there was 1/2" between the laptop and me, and jumped on my lap. To check some emails.

I checked my email.

There was a dog in the way. When she got done checking MY email, she stood up and observed the Cooking Activities. 

Her: can you move the chainsaw? So we can eat at the table?

I sat down to check email.

Her: Can you pull the turkey out so I can take the temperature?

Me: Why - is it sick?

Her: very funny. Now get your ass in here.

Me: Good thing you didn't need any help. I'd hate to see it when you need help.

I sat down to check email.

Her: Could you park the pickup in the driveway?

Me: Why?

Her: I told you, so we can eat at the table

Me: Why does my head hurt?

Her: [BANG BANG BANG] mumble mumble

Me: What?

Her: [BANG BANG BANG] mumble mumble

Me: I thought that's what you said

I laid down to take a nap.

Afterwards, I told no one I sat down to check email.

• The White House staff were caught with their pants down, when the president boarded Air Force One, because he thought he had to go to Turkey for Thanksgiving.

Philadelphia is red-faced (again) over hitting the magic 500 deaths for the year.

Some will say it was the way people were raised. Some will blame guns. Others will say drugs.

After a year of Detectiving, it will come out that the rage, violence, and murder was caused by the excessive commercials for Medicare supplements. There are no longer any other commercials - only Medicare. Every commercial break. We have gotten to know and despise Joe Namath, Jimmy JJ Walker, William Shatner, and George Foreman. All we're missing is Shaq. After a few hours of this, it's a wonder there are only 500 killings this year. So far.

Turkeys Go Well With Vaccines

 Your love is like  a box-o-spiders, all Black Widows

Q. Are zebras white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

A. Neither. Zebras are green.

Today I identify as  a microphone that everybody walks up to and asks "is this thing on?"

A German State Is Saying Goodbye Windows, Hello Linux

Now, if only our government....

Flying AIDS News  

The new COVID war: Redefining vaccinated

Germans will be ‘vaccinated, cured or dead’, says minister

ve haf zees nice camps for zem  

Dutch police arrest more than 30 amid ongoing unrest

Adults nationwide eligible for boosters this weekend as CDC gives sign-off

Covid in Kenya: Unvaccinated to be banned from public spaces

53.3% of the world population has received at least one dose of a COVID-19 vaccine

Sweden now has Western Europe's LOWEST Covid infection rate - didn't shut down society

Europe's lockdown fury: Violence breaks out in Vienna as 10,000 protesters take to the streets and thousands more march in Amsterdam - hours after two people are SHOT in Rotterdam during clashes between activists and Dutch riot police

I don't advocate violence, but people all over the world are starting to wake up and show backbone.

• Tesla entertains us once again: some Tesla owners were unable to unlock their cars due to server errors.
• THIS is the problem with the Internet of Things. Anything that needs to contact a server to operate is a no-go. By the same token, Tesla can push software to your car that you did not approve or want. No IoT here, thank you.

A Michigan woman tried to hire an assassin online at RentAHitman.com. Now, she's going to prison.

What kind of world is it when you can't even rent a hitman?

I made the mistake of getting between the dog and her mommy yesterday.

Penny was sitting on my lap, when her mommy appeared.

Penny got so excited, she did a 180 and ran off the chair, splitting my lip with a nail.

So now I have this impressive cut down my lip.

When people ask, I tell them I got it trying to save children from an out of control car.

My life just isn't that exciting.

• FDA approves first drug for genetic cause of dwarfism
• the drug is being boycotted "until they refer to us as little people"  

the pedos
the joke was on him - Epstein was Jewish

Black Friday has been going on for a month now. This must confuse the hell out of children.

MOMMY - why is it Black Friday today? It's Tuesday.

I thought Black Friday was after we eat turkey.

Oooh, games!

Next year, Black Friday will be in February.

So, reader-type-people, I need a favor. Can you check in and tell me what, if anything, you want?

I promise not to tell anybody.

Can you also tell me if it's normal not to want anything? The Black Friday sales bore me to death, and I can't think of anything I want for xmas. Or is it just the Spirit of Humbug?

Technically, I'd like Emilia Clarke to babysit me while Wife is out of town, but I feel it unwise to ask Wife for that for xmas.

Anybody?

I generally don't want anything for birthdays or holidays. Well, anything I can afford, like vintage guitars that cost as much as my house.

I actively dissuade anybody from buying me anything. It's not only because I don't want anything, it's because it will inevitably be stupid.

How about some nice, generic cologne?

A hairbrush (for the remaining hair)

Diet candies (good lord)

a sports jersey (for the AntiSports)

animal slippers (not old or female enough to wear slippers)

mowing accessories (let's get him something to complement his most hated activity)

an iPhone  (it sizzles when my skin comes in contact with it)

an iPhone cover  (won't that fit on your phone?)

a sweater  (ugly sweater contest? EVERY sweater is an ugly sweater. Have you ever SEEN me wear a sweater?)

Windows 11  (also sizzles)

A concert ticket (Yay!) to see Ed Sheeran (oof)

a Junior Demolitions Kit (Yay!)  without plastic explosives  (boo)

Do It Yourself Crab Farm

Home STD Kit  (testing or getting?)

Alexa

Johnny Bravo Home Napping Kit  (I can teach a master course in napping)

guitar picks  (yay!) with Justin Bieber on them (boo)

Me: xmas is coming

Her: yeah, I have to find anthrax for my sister

Me: Do me a favor? I love your mother, but could you please tell her not to get me anything?

Her: She tries so hard.

Me: I know she does, and I try to look grateful. It's just that last year's Santa mittens weren't quite me.

Her: You're tough to buy for.

Me: That's why I tell everyone not to buy me anything. You're easy - a gift certificate to a shoe store puts you over the moon.

Her: What do I tell her?

Me: I dunno - tell her I have taken a vow of poverty or I have cancer or something...

Her: Yeah, lemme get right on that. 

Me: What about the family polyanna?

Her: Oh, we took you out of that years ago, after the Plumbing Incident.

Me: Look - all I said was, "This explosive has a waterproof fuse, so you could flush it down the toilet." I'm not around kids. How was I to know they'd actually do it? Why is everybody so sore - I paid for new plumbing for the house.....

Michael Hutchence (INXS) died on this day.

Michael, a real rock star, failed to die a rock star's death (choking on his own vomit due to drugs).

Michael died of autoerotic asphyxiation. This means he strangled himself while having sex with himself.

This is why you should never have sex by yourself. Always bring a friend or three.

Biden and aides tell allies he is running in 2024 amid growing Democratic fears

President Taxit said he expects he'll be running most mornings, and has anybody seen his ice cream? They told him he'd get ice cream after speaking.

Much like the republicans before them, democrats are getting repetitive stress disorder from shaking their heads, sadly.

I got out of the shower the other day and things started to shake and rumble.

Why does this Stuff only happen when I'm in the bathroom?

Years ago, at work, I sat on the toilet, and the entire building shook. It was an earthquake.

Mrs. lefty, who was Out and About, told me it was fighter jets.

The problem is that the only fighter jet base anywhere near closed years ago.

After two days of this, we discovered it was a NORAD exercise.

Why would an organization that looks for hazards (and ufos) coming in over the horizon, need an exercise in the North Atlantic US?

Happy Turkey Day, people.

I am most thankful that you come by and read my rantings.

You Thought I Was Kidding, Didn't You?

Your love is like    raw Brussels sprouts

The good news: Waukesha public schools are closed today.

The bad news: because somebody in an SUV plowed through the Christmas parade. Two dead so far. Twenty three taken to the hospital. One "person of interest" in custody. Police fired on the vehicle but didn't stop it. Law enforcement examining whether vehicle and occupant were fleeing another crime (stabbing per NBC). The suspect is Daryl Brooks, a 38 year old black male, per Heavy.com. He was charged with another crime, jumped bail, was arrested for domestic abuse, then allowed to bond out.

Twitter has videos (#waukesha). YouTube has milder videos.

Among others, several of the Milwaukee Dancing Grannies were impacted. Waukesha Hospital is in need of blood donations.

ThermionicEmissions does not approve of this sort of thing and sends its best to the victims and families.

Today I identify as  the kiss Vanessa Hudgens plants on me

I mentioned eyebrows... eyebrows were but one thing in the Box of Annoyances I used on coworkers, friends, family, and band members. The funny thing is, I didn't know it at the time. I thought my only annoying trait was my mouth. That particular aperture is capable of causing upset, severance, annoyance, and explosions of varying sizes. Only when I think about it does it register that I have more ammunition to use in the war on sanity and normalcy.

Most of it involves the other party having OCD.

    There was my bandmate who got upset that my socks were at different heights. Being the fine gentleman I am, I pushed them apart even more. Some might say this affected his performance that night. I say that his lack of talent affected his performance every night.   [weirder than this was the declaration that I was wearing the wrong socks. It just made my head hurt.]

    Then there was the coworker who asked why, when I used the microwave, I'd put the dish in for 1:26 instead of 1:30. Only I didn't know this was a problem til later.

    The other coworker was upset about the aforementioned eyebrows. There was always (at least) one hair that pointed in some other direction than the rest of them. It took a while, but in a time of stress, this fact came out. Boy, was I surprised. My eyebrows, however, continue to mock me, and everybody who sees me.

Isn't it sad that in life, sometimes you never know what little things really torque people off? These things could really help you... or at least torque people off.

• After 20 Years of Failure, Kill the TSA
• Great idea, but government never shrinks - it only grows (and taxes more)

U.S. Interior Secretary Deb Haaland, the nation's first Native American Cabinet secretary, said a newly created federal advisory committee will review and recommend changes to derogatory geographic and federal land names.

Didn't I just say something about government only growing?

I only half understand this one: Somerset Cricket Club (England) have "reprimanded" Jack Brooks over historical tweets he sent which contained racist language.  In 2012.  Rather than laugh, spit, or have his cranium explode, Brooks unreservedly apologised.

As if that isn't silly enough, one of the instances was for calling Cheteshwar Pujara 'Steve'. I guess we don't get this because we speak the wrong English.

I want you to know, celebrities, sports stars, people in the public eye, and anyone on Twitter.... your tweets are under examination. You will be called to answer for anything you tweeted that can be even vaguely be considered racist. No word on antisemitism or picking on the left handed.

Although I don't have the time or space to catalog my affronts to race and good taste, I wish to unreservedly apologize (suck it, England) for tweeting

• Christopher Colombus is a weenie who didn't discover a thing - all his discoveries were made by his cross-dressing alter ego, Chrissie
• Michele Obama is not a man. She's a reptilian, people-eating alien.
• No, really, Trump's hair is like that naturally.
• If Booth shot Lincoln, I'm the next president.
• Lady Diana had to sleep with Charles and took the easy way out.
• Jimi Hendrix is black colored negro nig African American person of color non-white dark skinned a hell of a guitar player. The left handers are a special breed.
• I have a friend called Steve. I call him Bob. Is this racist?
• I'll do that when NASCAR is 50% black
• That Michael Jackson... he sure wants to be Italian
• I'll tell you why there's no Polish navy - they kept installing screen doors on the ships and drowning
• Nah, smoking is cool!
• Jewish women, I tellya. What do they make for dinner? Reservations.   [oh wait... this isn't a problem yet. Wait til the ADL gets word....]

And every redhead on the planet for saying their hair is orange. Only punk rockers have red hair.

When man makes the first time machine, it will be used by everyone to go back to the past and delete their tweets.

• A look at the intimate details Amazon knows about us
• Read em and weep. No, really, you need to read this.

Tesla has given us our weekly fun. Well, sort of.

There is now a device made specially for extinguishing fires in electric vehicles. Apparently regular fire hoses are wasteful and don't directly hit the batteries, which keep getting hot and restarting the fire. This device fires up, from under the car, to hit the batteries directly.

So now Tesla will have to build more fire hose resilient cars (or hide the batteries better).

• Upcoming smart home products wirelessly charge without cable or pad
• The future is here. Isn't it?
• I can tell you that wireless charging is grossly inefficient. I can't tell you about the specific effects of transmitting electricity (look at what it did to Tesla), but I have my suspicions. The jury seems to still be out on cell phones and our bodies.

Carry On My Wayward Eyebrows

 Your love is like   a fractured tibia

• Two women accuse PM's father Stanley Johnson of inappropriate touching
• it's good to see England can show friendship and solidarity by following our president
• When asked for comment, Johnson further cemented relations by saying, "Huh?"

Today I identify as   Silly Putty

The dog is at the groomer. It's really weird not to have our little shadow.

To compensate, I asked Mrs. lefty if she'd like me to lay on her lap.

She suggested I lay on the pile of stuff she asked me to take upstairs.

Romance never dies.

• Tea and coffee may be linked to lower risk of stroke and dementia – study
• unfortunately, cream and sugar cause rectal cancer

Flying AIDS News

• Biden administration plans imminent booster expansion to all adults
• #ImpeachBiden
• Boosters for all is critical, not a luxury, Fauci says as FDA decision nears
• Doctors are fighting back against fringe doctors pushing COVID misinformation

HEY, MY CABLE'S OUT!!!  

We're a week past the last major outage, leading me to believe the service (rhymes with Bombcast) has scheduled downtimes weekly, on Tuesdays.

The tv service is out completely, which is odd. So is the internet. No big deal - I only use it to work.

Bombcast has an outage page. But you can't see it til you login. There's an external page, which tells me there's a large outage in the Northeast.

Tired of the outage, I call Customer Service, which is a bit of a misnomer. They ask for my phone number, then tell me they can't find anything for that number. Funny, it's not a problem when paying the bill. So I give it a second time, in which case they recognize it. Same phone number.

I have the choice of troubleshooting my internet or tv. Well, since both are out, this is not helpful.

They offer to reboot the tv box. Ok, I'll play along. Of course this does nothing.

Their outage map says everything is fine. My personal page says they can't reach our tv or internet. The joke is getting old. So I go to report the outage and there is nowhere to report it, but there IS an assistant, which is obviously a bot. I could tell it my hair's on fire, and it would check its database for 'hair on fire'. Mind you, 3 browsers will not produce a chatbot window, and when it pops up finally, it tells me my address still looks good!  Well, that solves THAT problem. 

Still no tv or internet.

Rather than allow me to do anything productive, it wants me to tighten my connections and reboot my modem, which has all sorts of lights that tell me I have no internet/cable connection.

This is getting fun. No, not fun, what's that other word.... Extremely annoying.

Wife, a woman of great intellect and visual acuity, observes there are wires down outside.

But you can't tell Bombcast there are wires down, via phone or online. I actually typed "wire down" into the chatbot and, surprise(!), nothing helpful happened. I have come to realize that Bombcast customer support is really a large, completely ineffective system, designed to waste hours of your life, under the illusion that you might accidentally get some help. Ha!

Wife calls again and somehow pleads her case to the phonebot and gets an actual human on the phone. With a local accent. He says they'll be out. Soon. Maybe today, Eventually. Definitely by Thanksgiving. And they're Very Sorry that I can't work from home.

Hello and thank you for calling Bombcast. If you would like to continue in Swahili, press 47.

What is your phone number?

234-555-5555

I'm sorry, I have no account associated with that number. Try again.

234-555-5555

Ok, is your address 7789 Phlegm St? Say yes or press 32.

YES

Let me pull up your account [sound of tapping on keyboard]. I see we cannot contact your devices. Would you like to troubleshoot tv or internet?

NO

I didn't hear you. Would you like to troubleshoot tv or internet.

FIRE!

I'm sorry, I did not hear you. Would you like to troubleshoot tv or internet.

THE WIRE IS DOWN AND HALF THE BLOCK'S ON FIRE!!

I'm sorry, I did not get that. Bombcast bought the cheaper phonebot and this is the result. Would you like to be connected to an actual human?

YES

Well, so would the other 1,234 people calling in now. Do you think you're somehow special? We're Bombcast -we own the internet!

I'd like to report trouble paying my bill.

Oh, why didn't you say so? I'll get a human on the line immediately.

Bombcasat Support, how may I help you.

Thank heavens, a real human. You ARE a real human, right?

From the womb. Did you say you are having trouble paying? We love money, here at Bombcast.

Look, I don't want to come off as a cable expert, but your wires are down and half the neighborhood's on fire, thus without service.

Oh, I see. That's really bad. Let me reset your modem.

I don't NEED my modem reset - I need someone to put the wires back on the poles and extract poor old Mrs. Smith's car from the wires, which seem to have wrapped around her car and her dog.

Would you like your tv box restarted?

Can I speak to a human, please?

I am a human.

Just checking. Can you get someone out here, please? My husband can't work from home.

Yes, certainly. We're experiencing a lot of outages, because it's Tuesday, and because we've spent a week diagnosing the problem at the adult website, but we should be able to get someone around there by next outage on Tuesday.

NEXT TUESDAY? Your downed wires are pulling the electrical wires off the poles. Three houses have burned to the ground. Children lived there. Oh, the humanity!

We could put your first, next Tuesday.

Ok, fine. Do I get a refund for lack of service?

Well, not during fire, rain, or weather. But you can certainly sign in to our website and try, if you've got a few days you want to kill. It will eat the boredom without tv.

How? I have no internet?

Thank you for calling Bombcast. Click.

-----> Actual Resolution:

Bombcast sent a technician out, in the Rapid Response time of 10 hours, who fixed the problem. A truck came up the street and knocked a few houses out.

• An explosion outside Liverpool Women's Hospital has been declared a terror incident by police.
• Hang on, hang on. Just because the guy had an improvised explosive device in a taxi doesn't mean terror. Maybe he was transporting it to somewhere else. He could have been teaching a class in IEDs. Maybe it was for scientific study. Maybe it was for his ex-wife... don't jump to conclusions.

This new product concept seems like a winner, but I wanted to run it by you first:

The new RUNG doorbell. The person who rings the doorbell sees a video of what's going on inside the house at that moment. Especially in the bedroom. Or a Pr0nhub feed.

The doorbell can also play The Masked Furry, which will keep people on your porch, mesmerized. Useful for catching thieves, not useful for anything else.

If you're working on your Hermit Certificate, the unit can be programmed to play tv commercials for hours. Guarantees no repeat ringers.

• ThermionicEmissions congratulates Britney Spears on the ending of conservatorship. This means she handles all her own money and affairs. Britney said it's great to have car keys and a bank card.
• Britney celebrated by buying her closest 1,000 fans a house.

Bill Gates has selected the site for his new nuclear reactor.

Hey Honey, can you reboot the reactor? 

Bias Audits-

New York City Council passed a bill earlier this week requiring companies that sell AI technologies for hiring to obtain audits assessing the potential of those products to discriminate against job candidates.

NPR slammed over story highlighting 'disappointment' over Boston electing Asian woman mayor

Because it was 'a disappointment to some for being chosen over black candidates.'

Forget the Moon, Let's Go to Uranus. Lots of Stuff on Uranus.

 Your love is like  a couple of broken limbs

• this week's best malware name: Squirrelwaffle
• this week's worst 'feature': new hi-res icon

Today I identify as  a supply shortage

The equipment we left on the Moon is experiencing significant failures.

The Chinese, who are on the Dark Side of the Moon, keep hearing Pink Floyd and their ship keeps moving from where it was parked while they're out on exploration.

Namibia, who told no one they landed there, keeps feeling someone tapping them on the shoulder, but there's no one there.

The Russians noticed something kept moving around their toilet paper, making it feel just like home.

It's the aliens. They want us off the Moon.

Can you blame them? Look at the trash we leave behind. Plus we keep firing bombs at it to see if it's round. We're really more trouble than we're worth. No one wants us leaving Earth because we'll infect the rest of the solar system.

But seriously, Folks.... why the Moon... again?

To the best of my knowledge, we've been there, done that.

We even lost large amounts of knowledge of what and how we did it, and the people who did it are dead.

A number of countries have probes on Mars.

We have craft that can get there and beyond, but NASA is the people-facing part of space flight.

Yet we're spending billions to put a man on the moon. Again.

Excuse me; a man, a woman, a person of color, and other underrepresented minorities.

• Biden concedes his COVID stimulus checks fueled spike in inflation
• #ImpeachBiden

Flying AIDS News

Austria orders non-vaccinated people into COVID-19 lockdown

Why it can be hard to prove a vaccine caused a bad outcome [because you can't distinguish BEFORE the shot from AFTER the shot?]  

Italy is requiring workers, public and private, to get government-issued health passes. The unvaccinated can only keep receiving a paycheck by getting inoculated or undergoing regular testing.

States expand boosters, activate crisis care as delta rolls on

Covid vaccine ‘waning immunity’: How worried should I be?

No, COVID-19 vaccines won’t make you infertile

Fauci Admits: Vaccines Did Not Work as Advertised – Monday Live

Best mask sighting: biker, mask under helmet AND over helmet, while riding

Pressed by @GStephanopoulos what Biden admin can do in the short term to address inflation, National Economic Council director Brian Deese says “we have to finish job on COVID.”   

#ImpeachBiden

• Hackers compromise FBI email system, send thousands of messages
• dontcha feel protected now? 

Another step toward equality: more boys have eating disorders

War on Flight Attendants 

Southwest Airlines employee hospitalized after passenger punched her head

Perhaps airline employees should carry....

• Australian women sue over Qatar airport strip-searches
• because there aren't any

Joe Biden and Xi Jinping: What they want from talks

Xi: Taiwan and trade restrictions

Biden: a lollipop. a red one.

A Covid Christmas

• The FDA hasn't approved a vaccine for the North Pole variant, but wants Santa to take it anyway. The elves will all have to be vaccinated (half dose) because even when vaccinated, Santa could be a carrier. Mrs. Claus will obviously need the shot, or else it's going to be a long, cold year for Santa.
• The CDC says 'whatever the FDA said is good.'  Then the CDC said 'nothing the FDA said is good.'  The WHO said 'nothing' and was unanimous in it. Then the WHO said it hopes it dies before it gets old.
• Santa is a little agitated because Dr. Fauci says Santa will have to wear a mask, both in chimneys and while flying in his sleigh.
• Bill Gates said to shut up and take the shot, or there will be a Windows 12.
• President Taxit mandated that the entire North Pole be vaccinated or be quarantined.
• The union representing the elves is refusing any mandates. A concert was put on by Ted Nugent, who froze his guitars' nuts off. Several elves who got the shot voluntarily had to go on Disability due to the side effects, which include half their body freezing, heart attacks, nose growth, and inability to live in cold climates.
• Santa can only eat milk and cookies at houses with vaccine certificates.
• Since Santa will visit every house and knows if you've been bad or good, he was told he's working for the NSA, whether he likes it or not, or the IRS will audit him back to the beginning of time.
• Christmas trees are in short supply due to Supply Chain Issues. Even fake trees can't be found. No one can be found to sell the trees either, because McDonalds is paying $22 an hour.
• Many North Pole businesses have gone out of business because of the lockdown. There are no reindeer shoes to be found. The union for the reindeer says NFW they're delivering the Fat Man to diseased countries. Lady Gaga did a concert in support of the reindeer, but nobody showed up because all she wore was winter clothing.
• Large groups of parents across the world were closing their chimneys, because the elves and Santa were unvaccinated and the toys could be viral.

In the end, Santa had to stay home because he was not an Essential Business.

The Metaverse Is the Ultimate Surveillance Tool

Silicon Valley is rushing to build the next big thing and people should be skeptical of their intent. Please read and understand this before I have to say 'told you so'.

Your world is pointing toward an insistence on conformity which is causing you enormous grief. It’s what’s at the heart of all of your religious battles, and religious battles are what are at the heart of all of your battles. In other words, all of your wars and global irritation with one another are over your determination to promote sameness. Your democracy insists that it’s the only government that works. And every religion (it’s interesting to note) proclaims that it is the only one that works. - Abraham Hicks

What many famous musicians had to say about Jimi Hendrix

So sorry I missed him.

Roger Daltrey: the internet is destroying humanity

Has the Flying AIDS affected you? Are you having a problem with being shut in?

Talk to someone. Don't keep it inside. Bad Stuff<tm> can happen if you bottle it up. 

Deer Urine to Catch Mice?

 Your love is like  liver sandwiches, with mayonnaise

• just in case you lost the url - Flamethrower Expert

Today I identify as  Flying Cocker cryptocurrency

• The U.K.’s largest fishing retailer, Angling Direct, experienced a system breach on Nov. 5 that resulted in their domain being redirected to Pornhub
• and this is a problem how?

DeSantis: If Biden Keeps Sending Illegals To Florida, "I Will Send Them To Delaware" On A Bus

Rodential Redux 

We're a very nice, welcoming neighborhood, or so say the ants.

Now that it's cold, the ants have moved out. Unfortunately the mice are back. Up and down the blocks.

We have used snap traps in the past, with success. Unfortunately not so much now.

After a few days of this, the antipsychotic drugs are wearing off and we're hearing them everywhere, including the walls. If nothing else, there are some great visuals. The dog is very good at catching them, but apparently only outside.

We got all sorts of advice from all sorts of places; none particularly helpful. One involved drilling holes in walls and putting in poison. Another to wear gloves while putting out traps (because mice like their bait free of icky human smells). Perhaps we will start sending them invitation emails. I'm sure they're on Faceyspaces.

Mrs. lefty is not happy. This is bad.

Traps aren't being all that helpful, so we're checking into automatic weapons, plastic explosives, and suitcase nukes. As it turns out, homeowners insurance doesn't always cover these. What a racket!

The only positive is that they figured out how to work the thermostat and they're keeping it a lot warmer in the house.

In no way did this just actually happen. At all:

Him: Honey?

Her: Yes?

Him: We should put the dog in the yard before we mess with the glue trap....

BOOM Clatter Clatter

Him: She stepped right on it, didn't she?

Her: BRING SCISSORS!

• Portugal has made it illegal for your boss to text you after work
• Bra-VO Portugal! This would shut the US down entirely

New York's new mayor says crypto should be taught in schools.

Agreed. Right after basic comprehension, math, readin and writin 

So that Really Large Comcast outage that other day..... one concentration was in Northern California. The Marin County Sheriffs office tweeted

Governor Supreme Gavin Newsom is looking to pass a law that the internet isn't allowed to go down.

A Japanese train driver sued over $0.49 in docked wages, for causing a one minute delay.

Japan is quite serious about running on time.

In America, they get docked if they run within twenty minutes of scheduled time.

Why is the sink clogged? We can't get a drop of water down.

I'm trying every remedy I know.

How does a bathroom sink get clogged?

Oh.

Oh what?

The kids were doing science.

How so?

They were building volcanoes in the sink. I explained that science is good, but don't pour an entire bag of baking soda down the sink.

I see.

Flying AIDS News

38% of US adults believe government is faking Covid-19 death toll

Dr. Marcia Angell, former editor-in-chief of the New England Journal of Medicine (NEJM) - “It is simply no longer possible to believe much of the clinical research that is published. I take no pleasure in this conclusion, which I reached slowly and reluctantly over my two decades as an editor of the New England Journal of Medicine.”

Dr. Raeford Brown, chair of the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) Committee on Analgesics and Anesthetics - “Congress is owned by pharma. The pharmaceutical industry pours millions of dollars into the legislative branch every single year. In 2016, they put $100 million into the elections. That’s a ton of money.” 

Federal appeals court halts Biden administration’s vaccine requirement, delivering policy a major blow

Oklahoma Guard goes rogue, rejects COVID vaccine mandate after sudden change of command

Holiday hell: 3 in 5 Americans BANNING unvaccinated relatives from family gatherings!

Vermont has the highest vaccination rate in the country. So why are cases surging?

CDC shifts pandemic goals away from reaching herd immunity [CDC takes turns, where each employee says something else stupid, which becomes the official stance]

To Continue in Swahili, press 43

Her:  No.

Her:  No.

Her:  No.

Her:  No.

Her:  No.

Him: What should we do for dinner?

Her: shut up - I'm on the phone with the bank!

Him: Sorry, you kept saying no, so I thought you were talking to me.

• She tells me it's called a garden wagon. Ok, I guess it looks like a wagon, with wheels and a hitch-thing. And it has one foot tall sides. Only it's six feet long.
• And it's in the kitchen.
• So you see, I might be a tiny bit put off. Or would be, if we lived in the neighborhood of normal.
• We could put a couple dogs in it, but we only have one.
• Anything six feet long won't move very far in the kitchen.
• It would make a nice spice rack for people who use a lot of spice. Or a garlic container; we use  lot of garlic. Better yet, chocolate. Who doesn't have a wagon full of chocolate in their kitchen?

It felt personal when they announced the tv show with Jeff Goldblum. He annoys me even more than Will Ferrell. It is probably not personal because it's on Disney+, which I don't get or watch. There are people that are annoying and there are people that are annoying, Jeff Goldblum is annoying. Did I mention I don't like him? Even seeing him is like nails on my eyeballs. You can like him - I don't.

BLM leader threatens ‘riots, fire, bloodshed’ in NYC if Eric Adams gets tough on crime

2022 is the Year of Hyaluronic Acid

 Your love is like   Jeffrey Epstein's

Here's some interesting hacking news:

Hackers who released info on Arab royal families apologized.

Turns out Arab royal families don't argue - they send out hit squads.

They may have something there, although I'm not sure hospitals could justify hit teams on their payroll.

Biden crusade against ‘domestic extremism’ spurs thousands of FBI probes, fears of a police state
President Taxit has not left the damage at taxing us to death - now he's on domestic extremism. Bush the Lesser did this too. There was a naughty list that included Ron Paul supporters, people waving flags, people talking about the Constitution, and Insane Clown Posse fans. ICP sued and got off the naughty list, but the rest of us....

Biden must go. Start with impeachment.

Today I identify as   Christmas music in October

Where, oh where, has our Gavin gone?

California governor (and part time Christmas tree stand) Gavin Newsom has disappeared from public view for ten days,

It's ok, I got this.

Gavin was caught saying things like, "socialism is bad" and "we must keep the homeless from shitting on the sidewalks." Alarmed that he had attained a modicum of sanity, Newsom was spirited away, to an undisclosed location, to have the tiny amount of sense vacuumed from his head. Not to worry, California, the same old hilarious governor will be back soon.

• The head doctor of a B.C. clinic just diagnosed a patient with 'climate change.'
• the doctor was summarily diagnosed with overload and took a few weeks off to visit the Happy Place

Flying AIDS News

Molnupiravir: First pill to treat Covid gets approval in UK

Alaska Governor orders state agencies to ignore federal vaccine mandates

Northern Ireland’s health minister is suing Van Morrison after the singer called him “very dangerous” for his handling of coronavirus restrictions.

Bizarre Covid side effect caused woman to strip naked ‘inappropriately’ and wash her clothes in the LOO

I just want to point out here that America doesn't get these kinds of side effects. But it's not worth moving to the UK.

Pfizer says its antiviral pill can cut 89% of COVID hospitalizations and deaths

And another thing.... a Russian porn star was 'detained' after flashing her bare buttocks in front of the Kremlin.

Again, not in America. America needs to lead, not follow.

• You think you're talented? I can tomato sauce stain my shirt without actually eating

Local News 

A Pennsylvania fifteen year old girl is in the news after a video of her having sex with twenty five guys went viral. Unfortunately, ThermionicEmissions is not able to locate the video and does NOT support video of underage sex. We cannot reveal her identity, due to her age, but we got an interview:

TE: So, howya doin'? 

Girl: Fine, thank you.

TE: Still sore?

Girl: you have no idea.

TE: So, uh, why?

Girl: I've been thinking about it. I think there are a number of reasons...

• After looking online, I discovered you can't have sex without taping it. It's against some law or other.
• I have the mother of all daddy issues
• Ten guys just weren't doing it for me
• practicing for the Olympics
• my girlfriends all did twenty, so I wanted to show them up
• my mom has been great to me and stayed home to raise me. I needed to act out.
• I'm on tv and the queen of the internet!

So how about that tragic Travis Scott/Drake concert. Eight dead.

They were running away. From the music.

• Why You Should Delete Google Chrome On Your Phone
• They're years behind me. Delete anything Google.

The American Trucking Associations (ATA) estimates that the US is short 80,000 truckers - an all time high for the industry. And if nothing changes, the shortfall could reach 160,000 over the next decade.

I never got an answer to the honest question: why do most black and latina women have large backsides? I need to know the science. Why is it genetically important?

Speaking of genetics, a recent article mentioned that the most popular category of pr0n is incest.

There seems to be something wrong here. 

I'm sure you're with me: at no time during your years did you want to boink anyone in your home.

I realize it's fantasy, but it has to be based upon something.

I had a few cousins I wanted to be more friendly with, but that's kinda boring.

"Hey Mom. you look pretty good there, stuck under the couch...."

"Yo, Bro... it's ok cuz you're my STEP-bro."

"No Dad, I will not do stuff Mom doesn't do anymore.."

"Sis - why don't you fill up my tank instead of having sex with me to borrow my car?"

Apologies to all of you who don't watch pr0n.

Oh cut it out.

I attended the Philly Fall Guitar Show recently.

It wasn't much fun if you were a lefty, but it was great to get out and be with all that equipment (see guitar blog).

For the first time in a long time, I was an asshole magnet<tm> while driving.

After a while, it appeared the curse was back. 

They love me.

They only want to be close to me.

And by close, I mean in front of me

And by in front of me, I mean doing 20 miles under the speed limit. On the Turnpike.

They love me.

Most of the time, people are whizzing by at 20 miles over the limit.

This time they couldn't wait to get near me, so they could slow down.

Granted, our roads were planned by drunk monkeys, and the 'improvements' made things much worse.

But they love me, and only want to be near me.

On a Saturday morning, there was traffic. I feel sorry for the people who drive during rush hour.

"LEAVE ME ALONE," I cried.

"But we LOVE you." they said, lovingly.

"Get fscked," I countered.

"We only want to be near you," they said.

"I''m doing the speed limit, whether you like it or not," I told them.

"Oh no you're not!" was their response.

The spring guitar show isn't til July, so I don't have to leave the house again til then.

• Peruvian family dog turns out to be a fox
• cuz they look so much alike... cue Peru jokes...

Everybody's talking Climate Change.

I want to do my part, even though the real polluters aren't.

1. cut down farting to Tuesdays and Sundays
2. I get carbon credits for rarely leaving the house
3. holding a sign about climate change on weekends. Preferably outside.
4. masturbating in the dark
5. talking about electric cars a lot
6. watching pr0n on battery power
7. having sex on Saturdays (which would be a 100% improvement)

Back on the left handed horse... we demand PARITY!

Police pull us over. If we were black, we could scream RACISM!

Screaming "You pulled us over because we're left handed" just won't work.

We will never be truly equal until being left handed can get us something.

• California couple sue clinic for alleged IVF swap 'horror'
• named baby Abby. Abby Normal.

Bishop Who Left Clergy for Erotica Writer Accused of Being ‘Possessed’

Former Bishop Xavier Novell reportedly began a new job at Semen Cardona, a company which produces and exports high-quality pig semen to over 20 countries.

I'd say the people who accused him are possessed.

But PIG SEMEN!

There's a show called "Nightmre Neighbor Next Door"

These people are truly warped, and not in a good way.

One lady pushed another lady down steps. Parking and trash fights, online tirades, police, etc.

This is nice, but hardly compares to some of my experience....

• the lady next door took exception to my flamethrower, even before her house burnt down (not my fault - I was out on that day).
• the Homeowners' Association sued a neighbor for painting her steps
• the lady next door took exception to my automatic weapons (even before the holes in her house)
• the guy on the other side parked his car. For 10 hours. Every night.
• the lady next door took exception to my stockpile of nuclear weapons...

 

Elon Musk Turned Down on Sponsoring This Blog

 Your love is like   a week of Rosie Perez 'talking' at you

I didn't think it would come to this, but I have to cancel my wife.

I came downstairs, turned my head, and screamed: my wife turned black.

Turns out it was some sort of face cream or mask.

So since she wore blackface, I have to cancel her. The only reason the neighbors haven't canceled her is that they'd have to talk to me instead.

Do I have to call a lawyer?

Today I identify as  a broken key on a laptop keyboard

• more men going to hospital with painful erections lasting hours
• ya don't think this coincides with any medicine they took, do ya?

Elon Musk says Tesla has not signed a deal with Hertz, as reported earlier.

Because two huge entities cannot figure out if there is a deal and if it has been signed. This is a very technical, difficult process, so people just say it has or hasn't. Words mean nothing.

Meanwhile, Hertz has also ordered 25,000 tow trucks to deal with the Teslas that the renters did not bother to charge. Also to deal with crashing when the drivers decide to sit in the back seat. Hertz also ordered 10,000 ambulances and fire trucks, for the inevitable spontaneous explosions and battery fires.

Err... Honey.....

What do you want? I'm sleeping and it's 15 minutes before my alarm goes off...

Have you noticed anything different?

Yes, I noticed I'm being awakened when I should be sleeping.

Anything else?

I'm tired.

Look down.

HOLY FSCK... BOOBIES!

Remember we put a quarter in the Genie Machine and told it we want to change bodies for 24 hours? It appears the machine works better than I thought.

I have boobies!

That ain't all.

HEY - where's my junk?

I have it.

Hmmmm....... could you call me out of work today?

Stop playing with your tits and pay attention.

What do I do with a vagina.... ohhhhh.

I guess I'll have to go back to single orgasms.

So much to play with....

I just felt my brain move south. There's this chick at work.... whoo boy, I'd love to do her.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH.... so that's what an orgasm feels like for you.  AHHHHHHHHHH. I could do this all day. Did you know that nipples are like an ON switch for the vagina? I have to use two hands, but it's worth it.  Wanna fsck?

Do I wanna? I'm ready all day. And night. I been thinking about banging you all morning.

Is that all you think about?

Whaddaya mean?

There's more to me than tits and vagina.

You want it in the butt?

That's NOT what I was talking about. Forget it.

Why does this thing I'm carrying around all day want to make all my decisions for me?

Why do I feel moody and suddenly want to cry?

It's almost like it's talking to me.

I'M BLEEDING - call an ambulance!

What are Daddy Issues?

I don't know, but this thing keeps pointing straight ahead and insisting I follow it.

Hey.... why don't we....

Ohhhhh. Ooooh. Ahhhh. No, not yet!  Oh. You were great. The best.

Give me another half hour.

I've got a headache. But look at all the closet space!

OMG - I don't have to wear a bra. But you do.

Can we both take off and go shoe shopping? Why do people stop and watch me walk by?

If we go shoe shopping, I get to go guitar shopping too. Have you taken out the trash yet?

HEY - these are MY new boobies. You can't touch them til later. If you're nice to me. Look at them dance when I move.

Why do I want to nail anything in a skirt all of the sudden? 

Why do I want to discuss my feelings? I never had feelings before.

Why do I only have three pairs of shoes?

I can't walk in these...

I can't walk out of the house like this

You're telling me the price of boobies is a backache? Still... worth it.

Can we have boom boom a few more times before we switch back?

[both] I will never get mad at you again for things you say or do.

-------> if we could all spend 24 hours in each others' boobs, the world would be a better place

The Climate Change Summit is making the news all over the world, and rightly so.

It hasn't been smooth sailing, though: aside from President Taxit slumbering, there is a major language issue: it is being held in Scotland, and they forgot to get translators for all the English-speaking countries.

• It's a great thing Mrs. lefty has medical experience... I told her the minute she bleeds, I'm passing out, so she better be able to take care of herself. And me.

I might've had too much coffee today.

I didn't know it at first; I still felt like napping at work.

Then I had a bowl of soup.

It's not like I was shaking, but I picked up a spoonful and launched it across the desk. It now occupies most of my monitor. I'm debating cleaning it off, but my work looks so much nicer now...

Flying AIDS news

• New study suggests SARS-CoV-2 spreading widely within wild deer population
• Jesus Christ - vaccinate the deer! Have Fauci do it. For $400k/year, he should make himself useful

Cisco requires COVID-19 shots for all US staff – even remote workers

that's because the CDC said you can transmit it through VPNs

CDC overwhelmingly recommends COVID vaccine for kids 5 to 11

US mothers divided on vaccines for young children

GOP-appointed judges freeze Biden vaccine requirement after federal lawsuit

Researchers are looking into a link between vaccines and myocarditis

 

• If you're an owner of a (British) Sky TV set top box, they want you to know they're very sorry that the box 'forgot' the time change. They expect the problem will be rectified shortly.

When your parent(s) do something silly, like continuing to parent when you're an adult, enjoy it.

Back in the Olde Days<tm>, Mom used to call to remind me to set the clocks forward or back. Now it's done automatically and Mom can't tell time anymore. Appreciate what you got....

It's been a solid week since Tesla did anything funny, and Elon never disappoints: they're recalling 11,706 vehicles over Full Self-Driving beta software bug. 

• how do they know the 11,707th car is ok?
• The new software bug caused phantom emergency braking events. What this means is that the car would randomly brake for you. Unfortunately not when actually needed - you have to do that yourself. This means your insurance will no longer cover you for rear-end collisions.
• with all the fun we've been having at Tesla's expense, you just know I'm going to win one in a contest or something. On the bright side, it will be a never-ending source of blog material...

Hey, there's a box for you.

Oh, that's just something I ordered for Mom for Christmas.

[next week]

You got a box today.

[looks] Oh, that's just an automatic ship I'm on. I didn't order anything new.

[3 days later]

Hey, here's another box for you. It's from DSW.

[I'm beginning to think something's up]

The shoe warehouse does not have auto-ship (I checked). The box is shoebox-shaped.

The problem with sneaking shoes into the house is that they can be in any size box. On the other hand, I cannot sneak a guitar in. I guess I could do it in parts...I can have the parts auto-shipped, but it will take a year to get them. Perhaps my hobbies need to be smaller.

You got a box today.

Ohh cool!

It is strangely guitar-shaped.

It's vitamins. Guitar-shaped vitamins. I'm on auto-ship

• After a year of betas, Microsoft Edge for linux is ready to go.
• It is very difficult to type while laughing

Microsoft: Windows 11 built-in apps might not open on some systems.

This is not a bug - it's a feature!

Balloons are the new Swamp Gas

Remember the 'guy in a jetpack' seen flying close to passenger jets? Probably just balloons, says FBI

Because everybody knows balloons can take on the shape of a guy with a jetpack.

The Dog and the Elephant Will Drive. I'll Nap.

Your love is like   last year's Halloween candy

Ok, so it was Halloween. All Hallows Eve. Samhain. Elvirahain. Halloween is when the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest. And when parents drive their kids to nicer neighborhoods to get better candy. 

The past few years, Mrs. lefty, who enjoys the holiday like Cher enjoys plastic surgery, chose to hand out candy elsewhere. This left me to gather our Candy Credits. My area has candy credits, and if you don't get enough, they won't pick up your trash. I kid - they already don't pick up our trash.

So it fell upon me. This was rather a shame, as I don't like Halloween. Or kids. Or people knocking at my door while I'm masturbating watching tv. But it IS the official holiday of the American Dental Association. And to some degree, mine too. I like candy. A lot. If it can be separated from children, it would be called lefty Day. I like $100,000 Bars and Rolos. But they've got to be fresh, as in just packaged from the factory. I can tell, you know. One sniff and I'm like a bloodhound. I can't smell much else, but I knows my candy. My olfactory screwup was caused by a vacuum cleaner explosion when I was little, but enough about that.

Since it was left to me to distribute the sweets, I did what any red-blooded American would do: shut the curtains and turn out the lights. And then it hit me... we see a ton of children, but there are no children living around me. Halloween is the tax we pay to keep the children away the other 364 days of the year! I gotta go - I hear the little bastards approaching. I'll give them the large candy bars, because nothing's too good to keep the little tax collectors away from here every other day.

Today I identify as   that stuff my wife told me not to identify as

Buy Early  

With Thanksgiving weeks away, we advise you to pick up cranberry products quickly. The manufacturers are having trouble getting the cans, so the prices are going up.

I think this is great, for all the money I can save. I hate cranberry sauce, juice, and cranberry-related products. Naturally this is canceled by Mrs. lefty's love of cranberries.

When we were growing up, we always wanted to know how Mom got those lines around the cranberry sauce.

• if you can, buy a turkey for people who were affected by the Flying AIDS' money-suck. Thank you.

In case you haven't heard Supply Chain Issues enough, desktop and laptop computer prices are rising.

If you have computers that are slower than Congress, it's time for linux. It will run on computers you threw out years ago. There are distributions specifically made for older hardware. Even the newer ones will work. Installation runs about 20 minutes for me, no matter which. You can even test drive it without affecting what's on the computer by trying out the Live feature.

Have I mentioned you won't be profiled, used as a customer, and your data won't become property of Microsoft, NSA, and whoever else?

• Another year, another ridiculous Rock and Roll Hall of Fame back-patting induction ceremony
• This year: Jay-Z
• Show me where Jay-Z plays rock and roll........... I'll wait........
• He joins <wait for it...> ....  Tupac

Faceyspaces just changed its name. To Fecespaces. 

Internal documents show that Facebook has been actively hiring employees to build products that target children as young as 6 to expand its user base.

Do you not believe me when I say Faceyspaces is evil?

• Startup That Wants To Let You Fly Helicopter With an iPad Gets $200 Million
• I can't imagine anything going wrong here.... 
• the explosions would be spectacular and would make a great tv show: The Masked Copter Crasher

An underwater pumpkin carving competition has taken place off Key Largo, Florida.

I truly think this is the new face of democracy. Put Congress underwater, with knives and pumpkins, cover with a metal grate, then let democracy work its magic. It's not exactly what the Founding Fathers had in mind, but the existing system has been corrupted beyond belief. Did I mention no air tanks?

• NASA (Never A Straight Answer) proposes new methodology for communicating the discovery of alien life.  Ummmm.... the SPACE agency is not finding new life, they're worried about communicating its discovery.... Your tax dollars at work.

You're gonna love this: back in the early 1900s, banking services were provided by the US Postal System. Billions were banked with them. It is being suggested we go back to this system.

Sure, that's a great idea. It would be like Jeffrey Epstein starting a babysitting service.

The USPS can't be trusted to get a letter next door, First Class is being devalued, and the entire service has gone down the toilet. Yeah - let's give them our money too!

• I forgot - there's a local election. I don't have to remember... the democrats start texting me. They think my name is Shakila and I live on the other side of the state. They can't keep a list together and they want my vote?
• you can't force them to stop, either. Politicians wrote themselves an exemption to the spam laws.
• there's no central place to cancel this spam - you an only cancel it per-call.
• it then becomes my job to annoy them back. Usually mentioning the 2nd Amendment puts them right off. Telling them the Rs and Ds are 2 sides of the same warped coin. Tell them we want government out of our lives and to stop being the Nanny State. Remind them of President Taxit. It's Libertarian Time!

Happy Birthday: Lyle Lovett

Happy Death Day: Jimmy Carl Black (drums, Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention)

• The UK now wants to throw online trolls in jail
• UK citizens - it's time to call your people and do some protesting... want to get thrown in jail for offending someone?

President Taxit appeared to nod off during the climate conference's opening remarks

They promised him a Tootsie Pop if he managed to stay awake for the 'important parts'

• Rodent-infested Popeyes in D.C. shuts down after video shows rats running around kitchen, climbing up walls
• If that ain't a metaphor, I don't know what is....

Best Headline

Florida ‘Teacher of the Year’ arrested for hitting pupil who criticized award

You ask what about the happy news - why is there none of it?

Ok, there is a resurgence of syphilis in the US

Normally things like 'cable management' and 'organization' start my sirens and make me run screaming out of the office. The 'concepts' in articles are way too fancy and even more expensive. Plus I wouldn't be caught dead using any of it. The odds are in my favor, though, as no one can get into my office to see any of it, sometimes including me. I found a neat article on 22 best desk accessories that I actually hve to recommend. Sure, a few of them are downright silly (a foot hammock?), but there are some really useful gadgets, and not all of them are over $400 or have designer names.

According to the Wall Street Journal, favorite news source of the homeless, Apple is bringing car crash detection to the iPhone. Never one to rest on their laurels, other types of detection are in the pipeline:

1. lets your undigested food know if a crash is imminent, so it can leap back out your esophagus (thank you, Mr. Pither)
2. detects an impending argument with your spouse (just figure you will be)
3. detection of new, wildly overpriced accessories  (stays on all the time, for some reason)
4. new iPhone model detection, so you can start lining up in front of stores
5. detects the person in front of you not using turn signals  (also on all the time)
6. lets you know if you're about to be shot
7. detects there are too many detections

As if your government wasn't large enough, the Pentagon has hired a Climate Czar.

Among his suggestions for cleaning up the environment

• make all ICBMs electric
• install nuke charging stations at all convenience stores
• use only 'clean' nukes
• replace gunpowder in all bullets with climate-friendly flour
• convert tanks to cooking oil instead of diesel
• have the NSA convert to pedal power to run their supercomputers

Flying AIDS News

• The Fire Department of New York announced more than 2,000 firefighters are on medical leave, in apparent response to the vaccine mandate.
• NYC has issued a state-wide call for volunteer firefighters from areas such as Long Island and Upstate New York
• Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva continues to rail against the county's vaccine mandate, warning it is causing a "mass exodus" in his department
• US prisons face staff shortages as officers quit amid COVID
• Marines who refuse the vaccine will be booted
• J&J shot 3.5 times more likely to develop rare blood clots
• Judge suspends deadline for Chicago police to get shot(s)
• American Airlines canceled over 2,000 flights due to 'weather'
• the Amish don't want vaccines and were among the first to achieve herd immunity

Racing Cows on the Roof

 Your love is like   a large meal that isn't sitting right

• 1 in 10 Americans have moved because they thought their house was haunted
• What - Casper isn't a friendly ghost?

It's Halloween - make sure to get your razorblades in order

Today I identify as  a hospital gurney

I'm applying for the Mr. America pageant. Or whoever will have me. Here's my data sheet:

NAME: lefty

LANGUAGE: sarcasm

FAVORITE FOOD: a tub full of chocolate pudding

GENDER: CIS hetero male. very male, all the way to the end of the scale

THINGS YOU'VE IDENTIFIED AS: female, black, fingernail, Abrams tank, hospital gurney, vagina

FAVORITE SEX:   yes

HEIGHT; I smell vertical discrimination and will call Gloria Allred

WEIGHT: you have the NERVE to ask a black female 126th gender person her weight? Don't weight-shame me before the pageant has even started.

DISABILITIES: I'll need another sheet of paper

FAVORITE CAR:  1976 Cadillac Sedan DeVille - sleeps 12 (24 if you slice them thin)

HOBBIES: sarcasm, trying to grow a mustache, cleaning up after the dog, definitely not putting things up my butt - no sir.

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Super Chicken

FAVORITE SPORT: sarcasm, watching people walk into holes

WHAT YOU LOOK FOR IN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER: breasts - definitely breasts. An even number of breasts. Breasts that are more or less the same size and shape. Low self esteem. Daddy issues. Big hair. Bad mate-choosing skills. Skin so pale, people keep asking if she's dead.

FAVORITE DANGEROUS ACTIVITY: asking women if they're pregnant or just fat

WORST INJURY: came after asking a woman if she was pregnant or just fat

GREATEST ENIGMA: why British go to hospital and Americans go to the hospital, why AA is smaller than A but DD is bigger than D.

• McDonald's is partnering with IBM to develop AI to automate its drive-thru lanes
• It will take longer than expected, as they teach the AI to foul up the orders

Know what's depressing?

Many things, but the one I'm on about today is video conferencing from home.

We're all doing it now. The problem is that when we watch people, we are not seeing anything embarrassing in the background. No pajamas. No nakidity. No questionable flags or desk ornaments. Nothing up the speaker's nose. No explosives or anything that would warrant a quick call to Homeland Security. No squirrels. Not even a dirty magazine.  This has come as a tremendous disappointment to the hordes of people forced to work from home because of the Flying AIDS. If there was something interesting in frame, we'd at least have a reason to pay attention. The only reason we pay attention now is out of fear the boss will call on us for something.

• Climate change: Major US oil companies to be quizzed in Congress
• We swear we didn't know they were addictive or harmful..

I never found out which religion you had to be to get a vaccine exemption. Cuz I was ready to adopt it fully. I figured I could get excommunicated afterwards. It was probably one of the Christian ones. That would get old quickly... all that facing north, wearing beanies, and praying all day.

• Hell hath no fury like Overly Attached Spaniel, who just came in from the rain and desperately wants to sit on your lap.

US issues first gender-neutral 'X' passport

Nope. Sorry. Too silly. Next sketch, please.

Mrs. lefty demands a multiple personality passport. Or a bunch of them.

We need less government and lower taxes, yet we can't get that. Fortunately we have a gender-neutral passport.

Still no left handed history month or left handed passport.

We're reading about all sorts of 'dark web' arrests these days, the most recent for opioids and enough fentanyl to kill every viewer of The Masked Furry. The stuff is bad. We're all happy they got the 'bad guys.'  Just be careful. Check into how they got the bad guys. The FBI et al have figured out how to get past TOR and identify people, as if they were sending email to their mother. TOR is a very valuable asset, scrambling your output so no one can tell where it came from. Every society needs some sort of secrecy, and this one's going to hell.  So pay some attention to how the 'good guys' got the 'bad guys.'

For some modicum of privacy, use SIGNAL on your phone, which replaces the stock text app.

Use PROTONMAIL for encrypted emails.

Use PGP to encrypt your email.

They're all free.

Never assume you're safe in any communication.

FLASH, went the flash.

I looked in its direction because flash isn't generally a good thing. It either means I'm electrocuting myself, or somebody else is. In this case it looked like something from the movies, announcing the presence of somebody who wasn't there a moment ago.

Oddly enough, he wasn't.

He seemed to be Ben Franklin, but one must be very careful these days, what with all the Franklin impersonators and amateur magicians.

He coughed.

I stared.

He looked.

I coughed.

Stalemate.

It was Ben fscking Franklin, in my living room.

It's a good thing he materialized where he did. Two feet to the right and he would have had a bad effect on the ICBM I keep next to the couch. If you have to ask me why, you're just going to ruin everything.

Me: Welcome, Mr. Franklin. I'm lefty.

BF: Please, call me Ben. Or Sally. Don't ask.

Me: So, uh, not that I don't appreciate the opportunity, but what are you doing here?

BF: Don't ask me... I was just bending over, thinking I'd like to have my sanity tested, then FLASH - here I am.

Me: The universe has the oddest sense of humor.

BF: It's a real fscker, as we said in my time. By the way, what time IS it?

Me: You probably bent over in the late 1700s, right?

BF: 1785, to be precise.

Me: Well, you made it to 2021.

BF: 2021?

Me: 2021.

BF: Are you sure?

Me: Positive. You should learn all you can, cuz you only have 5 more years. I don't have a paper, but let's look at the computer.

BF: What's a computer?

Me: This is going to get tedious. And difficult. And I have the patience of a pregnant gnat.  Let me show you my laptop - see the date?

BF: 2021, as you said. Now about this 'laptop'. What is this picture and word box?

Me: Errr..... I can 'compute,' both locally and remotely. I can write letters without a quill and save them.

BF: This is fascinating.

Me: You ain't seen nothin yet, Sally. I can also hook into a worldwide system called the internet. I can do research, look at pictures or videos, and be really nasty anonymously, for everybody to see.

BF: Amazing. Tell me more about these pictures and moving pictures.

Me: You can find almost anything you like. You find out the world is smaller than you thought. 

BF: I particularly like the ones with all ladies.

Me: Many do.

BF: But that one... why does he have a penis but dress as a lady?

Me: He identifies as female.

BF: Identifies?

Me: Yeah. He says he's female and everybody has to respect that.

BF: But he isn't female. The penis is a dead giveaway.

Me: I see how you would think that - I did too at one point. But you must respect him/her.

BF: Let me see if I have this correct: the guy with the penis stands up one day and says he identifies as female, so everybody has to treat him/her as female.

Me: That would be about it.

BF: The first problem I see is with language: we don't have pronouns to cover this. Things like him/her.

Me: That's no problem: people specify their pronouns... what other people have to call them.

BF: This just gets weirder.

Me: You betcha!

BF: So if I stood up and said I was a building, people would have to enter through the revolving doors? What if they didn't?

Me: Ah, we have enforcement. There are very small, very loud groups, that have discovered they can yank the majority around by the short hairs. For some reason, the majority kowtows to them. They call them names, usually ending in -ist. They wish their families dead. Finally, if they don't get what they want, they cancel.

BF: What is cancel?

Me: Refuse to do business with, ignore, complain to employers, and gather round houses with bad signs.

BF: So I could 'identify' as a chimney and would have a whole horde to back me up?

Me: It's more along the lines of sex.

BF: Of which there are only two - male and female.

Me: It's a good thing you appeared here first. You go outside with that attitude and you'll be lynched.

BF: Like the British?

Me: Worse - there are copious amounts of whining involved.

BF: No actual armaments?

Me: If you hear the whining once, you will understand.

BF: So physicians have discovered additional genders? Was it in scholarly study?

Me: Not really. It was more a declaration, sometimes by educators.

BF: How can learned educators pass this kind of tripe onto our children?

Me: What's that called.... tenure. They get tenure then spout any kind of ridiculous crap they want. They're untouchable. Kids are like sponges - they soak this stuff up. Most are brighter than the teachers.

BF: I am going to assume physicians haven't discovered anything other than a penis and vagina, correct?

Me: Correct.

BF: Then there are only two genders.

Me: You're not gonna like it here very much.

BF: So I can theoretically identify as something between male and female?

Me: Yes.

BF: But how?

Me: One thing we learn is that we can't hope to understand everything. Some things just cause headaches and excessive drinking. This is one of them. Stated another way, one must choose one's battles.

BF: Speaking of excessive drinking, do you have any of it about?

Me: Chocolate liquer or chocolate wine? We should probably go shopping for you. I drink like a girl.

BF: Ah, but do you identify as one?

Me: Well done, Ben... there might be hope for you after all.

Ben will be back......

• the Climate Summit got off to an embarrassing start, when Joe Biden flew to the wrong country

President Taxit met with the pope for a longer time than usual. They discussed communion, touching little boys and girls, and Joe's desire for a bar mitzvah.

Teeth, I Say 

I made my most recent trip to the dentist.

"Don't think of it as new teeth," they said, "Think of it as the dentist's last Mercedes payment."

"How does it feel?" she asked.

I feel like Freddie Mercury.

I learned stuff. Stuff like Freddie's extra incisors would be referred to as 7A and 10A.

But the main thing I took home, which will stick with me forever, is High Speed Suction.

It took everything I had not to leap out of the chair with joy when I heard that.

High. Speed. Suction.

I kept repeating it in my head, to hear how it would sound on the blog.

Oh yeah, they glued in the new teeth.

Only a few more vacation home payments to the doctor and all the work will be done.

Of course I'm kidding. No matter how great your teeth look, they'll find something.

• Being off from work is just like working, with a lot more napping
• I was thinking of a coffee IV, when I realized I was going overboard. So I just glued the cup to my hand.

Flying AIDS News

• NYPD preparing for crush of retirements ahead of vax mandate
• Refusal sidelines dozens of Chicago fire personnel
• First responder unions resist for front line workers
• Air Force faces troop rejection as thousands avoid
• 5% adults quit job due to opposition
• Inoculated just as likely to spread delta within household
• NJ hospital mandates boosters
• NYC vax fallout - less cops, more trash, firehouses closed, 150 fewer ambulances
• Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds on Friday signed into law a bill that allows Iowa workers to seek medical and religious exemptions from COVID-19 vaccine mandates and guarantees that those who are fired for refusing a vaccine will qualify for unemployment benefits.
• 26K NYC workers remain unvaccinated after Friday deadline
• Attorneys general in 10 GOP states join fight against Biden administration's vaccine mandate
• Barrett and Kavanaugh Supply Majority to Deny Religious-Liberty Claim on Vaccine Mandate
• the flu-like symptoms I was told I'd have showed up. Four days later. I feel like I'm allergic to air.

AT&T training program says 'White people, you're the problem"

Kaepernick equates NFL with slavery in new Netflix series

  -- dem sho is some well-paid slaves dere, Massa. Some of em be white.