We're Being Strangled by Wireless Cell Phones

Your love is like  eating some bullets

SIM Swapper Abducted, Beaten, Held for $200k Ransom

I think we have the way out of malware....

Today I identify as  an umlaut

 I was just hung up on in text chat! I didn't even know it was possible.

I have now been hung up on in every way possible. My life is complete.

A $6 charge appeared on my phone bill, out of nowhere. The page told me it was for making a plan adjustment. After waiting 20 minutes for somebody who was hopefully brighter than the chat bot, I was told it's a surcharge and was notified months ago. Yes, I'm being charged $6 extra for keeping my existing plan. But if I wanted to upgrade to their spiffy new 5G unlimited free Apple music Disney+ plan at a similar rate, everything would be ok and God himself would smile upon me. I'd become a rock star and actresses and models would throw themselves at my feet.

That's nice, but I don't want or need that plan. The amount I use my phone is laughable. I never even came up to the 1gig limit when I had a 1g plan. Then they forced me to take a 5g plan, of which I don't use 1g. I don't use half of 1g. But she keeps telling me I could upgrade. I keep looking around the room to see who is typing here, because I kept typing that I wanted a tiny plan with limited data. Between you and me, I think God was getting angry, and I don't blame Him. I was screaming and the dog was barking.

I decided to play their game and asked how much was 'a similar price.'  Are you ready? My already ridiculous plan was going to go up to $105. Or keep paying a $6 surcharge. So I figured we'd play my game and asked her would she pay $105 monthly for a phone she barely used. I had to ask her 5 times because she kept ignoring me and trying to sell me the 5g plan. Her training was excellent, and I told her so, but she wasn't listening to the customer. That's when she 'hung up' on me.

Did I forget to tell you who my carrier is?  It's the one that rhymes with Purrizon. I've stayed with them forever, for the coverage. Not anymore, apparently. To make matters more funner, my phone won't work on the carrier I'm looking at.

I'm not positive who regulates the cell phone industry, but we're going to have a chat about Purrizon, and the industry in general. If enough people complain....

Now, let's talk about a related matter.  If your phone plan is $60 monthly, you're paying $60 PLUS $30 in TAXES, state, and federal nonsense. Your monthly bill is now $90. And I'm pretty sure you're not paying for a $60 plan. This is obscene. It's not the fault of the carriers, unless they tack on other charges. This is from our state and federal legislators. You might want to look at your bill and have a chat with them.

And now, the final chapter of the leftys vs the Hospital 

"Hey, come get me - I'm being discharged," she told me.

Rushing to the hospital with glee (my pet attack cheetah), she said we're just waiting for some paperwork.

Hour 1.

Hour 2.

Hour 3. - I didn't want to interrupt lunch at 2:30

Hour 4  - wait... I think we see a doctor. Flag him down, with a flamethrower.

Hour 5 - "You're a free woman," said the nurse,

Doctors all suffer from some sort of temporal disorder. They have no sense of time, like the DMV. They'll get to it in an hour actually means any time between 5 hours and next month. The hospital process is completely broken in the first place, but the discharge process has jumped ship and took off for Uranus.

Food Delivery Robot Casually Drives Under Police Tape, Through Active Crime Scene

There is no better way to point out that self-driving vehicles are Not Ready for Prime Time than this. No one was mowed down, inside or outside the vehicle. The only thing that would make this better would be a 4 hour gun battle, with police shooting the robot full of lead. And the robot still delivering the food.

What actually happened was a nearby bomb hoax at a high school. While the hoaxers were waiting, they ordered pizzas. Sounds reasonable, no?

Bridgestone has put more than $100M into eco-tires made of shrubs

You must bring me.... a SHRUBBERY

Yes, eventually everything goes back to Monty Python.

Gates-Funded 'Green Revolution' in Africa Has Failed, Critics Say

When philanthropists spend vast sums of money on a project, jubilation and high expectations ensue. But money doesn't necessarily produce results.

A case study, according to critics, is the push for a "green revolution" in Africa, which has spent $1 billion to date, much of it from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

They write these headlines just for me. 

Well, what do you expect from the developer of a failed operating system?

We have been sending billions in aid to Africa, yet things never improve. Why is that?

I know that politicians had themselves exempted from spam laws. Yesterday I got a text from the NAACP, asking me to help get black people to the polls. The NAACP, as far as I know, isn't a politician, although this might tell me more than I wanted to know. I will tell the NAACP what I tell everybody: until there is a left handed history and appreciation month, I'm not helping anybody.

As far as I know, I'm also not black, if that's a requirement.

Of course it doesn't end there.... Google is launching a pilot program to keep political emails out of the junk pile. Not that having a gmail account is a good idea, but how about giving everybody a choice?

Don't want to get run over by a Ford car? There's a Bluetooth app for that

I keep banging the warning gong because self-driving software is just not ready yet, but is being foisted upon an unsuspected public, ready to mow down a few citizens. Ford has a Bluetooth app to keep you from getting run over by a Ford car. It's a great idea in a vacuum, til you realize you can still get run over by every other brand self-driving car. While an interesting idea, it's attacking symptoms instead of the problem. Have I mentioned the range of Bluetooth would require beyond-human reflexes and perhaps a small physics change to allow your safety?

Wanda Sykes used to work for the NSA. Uh-oh. Laugh at my jokes or I'll have you taken to a place where they will never find your bones. That aside, privacy and civil rights groups are putting on the pressure not to air Ring Nation, which will feature video taken from Ring doorbell cameras. They're normalizing surveillance. 

Footage from Ring cameras was used to track and monitor protesters who took to the streets, exercising their First Amendment rights, in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. These are not isolated incidents. Racial profiling and racist policing are core components of Ring’s business model, which profits off fear.”

Remember: Ring operates independent of the Fourth Amendment. It has become a huge surveillance network that works without warrants or oversight.

After news that an AI-generated painting won a prize, creative-type people are really seeing red, claiming AI is killing art. Hollywood is working on a statement and we have the draft: How the hell are we supposed to make millions for a movie, so we can walk around and say things, as if we were important and our voice somehow counted for more than the Ugly Americans? We will all have to get real jobs. How can we ever walk on red rugs, get trophies, pat each other on the back, and bitch because we deserved that, if we have to get jobs? It's not like we have the skills to work at convenience stores or gas stations. Society sends us to Hollywood because we have no discernible talent (and some of us are waaay better looking than the rest of you). 

I would never bolster their case, but we said drum machines and rap were killing music. We weren't wrong. 

The Department of Homeland Security (the Motherland) has awarded nearly $700,000 to help keep gamers from becoming terrorists. Security Theater has gone completely off the rails. More of your money will be heading to other known radicalizing activities and trades, such as plumbing, jump rope, sweeping up after elephants at the circus, and working at the DHS. 

Urgent Care. For Laundry.

 

The Queen is lying in state.

President Biden is lying in office.

Fish and sharp provolone: how can you tell if they've gone bad?

The Committee to Search for a Locating Committee has announced the final candidates for the Great Laundry Search of 2022. I have one serious rule and that's that I do not complain about something someone does for me. At this point, I'm talking about laundry. It would be harmful for me to complain, as Wife does it. 

You see, I'm all out of clothes. 

This would be a surprise in any household, no less one where we sometimes purchase new clothes because we cannot find the old ones (or we don't want to wash them). 

The socks really confused me. They started disappearing early, before the rest of my clothes. The only reason I found out what was happening was that Wife clued me in (a metaphor for marriage if there ever was one). She didn't like some of my socks and was replacing them slowly. I honestly have no idea what my socks did to her to make her hate them, but sometimes it's not worth asking. Rumor has it that a certain set of striped socks was saying bad things about her mother. I chose not to be upset about this, even though this is precisely the kind of thing that PISSES ME OFF. In marriage, you choose your battles (to lose). On the bright side, I had new socks, complete without holes or other sock-like disturbances. Or stripes.

It was the rest of the clothes that really got me. Collectively referred to as 'The Darks,' they just seemed to disappear over time. One theory was that there were so many, they got too heavy to carry, so she started disposing of them. This theory failed to hold water, or even clothes, because I carry Heavy Stuff. As  far as I know, none of The Darks insulted her. Let me also mention here that I have a lot of t-shirts. My entire wardrobe consists of t-shirts. Ok, jeans too. But I have a lot of t-shirts. Since I'm difficult to buy for, she sometimes gets me t-shirts. So I could fill a small house with my t-shirts. I could also fill a large house. This makes the inability to find the t-shirts even more confusing. While there are certainly enough places to hide t-shirts in our house, even the Locating Committee cannot locate them. 

This matter is made more complicated by Wife leaving on vacation in a few days. Not that I'd find my clothes, but even if I did, I'd have to launder them. I have no fear: I'll rush into a burning building or take on a multi-million dollar computer network, but that damn washer scares the hell out of me. Again, I'd have to find the clothes first.

No one can find them or tell me where they've gone. The usual subjects have been considered (aliens, Trump, the neighbors) but rejected. What makes this even more confusing, if that's possible, is that clean laundry will occasionally show up. I'll pick up a t-shirt and comment that I haven't seen that shirt in years. So we know at least some of them come back. We just don't know where they go, when they come back, and why they still require washing when they do. 

The problem, as I see it, is that in about a day or so, I will have no clean clothes. Except some socks. So I'll be The Naked Blogger. Unfortunately I'll also be The Naked Neighbor, which could put a damper on going outside (or opening the curtains). I'm ok with not going outside, but since this is the post-summer season, I need the curtains open, so I can monitor the gloom. 

Science requires a control group and a repeatable outcome. Well, the outcome never changes, but I'm not touching the control group with a bulldozer and a flamethrower. You see, the control group would be Wife's clothes. It's not that she has a lot of them, but she changes them out twice a year - summer clothes and winter clothes (we only have 2 seasons anyway). This process takes from summer to winter, then the winter clothes have to be changed. So she's in a constant state of Clothing Flux. Her clothes do not disappear (we think). They migrate to other rooms. There are now more clothes in the bathroom than the entire block has. This would be ok if it were the entirety of the problem, but only a small amount of clothing migrates to the bathroom; the rest position themselves all over the house. When she complains, I suggest she not buy clothes that migrate. Then she reminds me all of her clothes are labeled non-migratory, yet they're still quite mobile. Hey, at least they don't migrate out of doors. We'd notice because the neighbors would finally come near our house. And don't get me started on the shoes.

Just as the best time to go job-hunting is when you have a job, the best time to go clothes-shopping is while you still have clothes. Turns out store employees and the local constabulary are not amused by naked shoppers. If you've seen me, you know it's not fair to other shoppers and police for me to be naked. So new clothes would be a stopgap solution, but if we continue to use this solution, my clothing bills will be insane. I'll have to print up my own money to pay for it. It'll be just like.. well... just like Congress and the national debt! 

So if you have any ideas that can help me find the errant laundry, please leave me a comment or send a postcard:

lefty's Home for Wayward Women

Box 666

Los Angeles, Mars  

Thank you.

Restricted Access to Abortion Is a Threat to National Security, Study Finds

They pulled out the Big Guns! Another article says there are religious suits brought by dems, claiming their religion allows abortion. Damn impressive litigation, Boys. 

 Where there's a lawyer, there's a way. 

Tractor Trailer Overturns, Spilling Truckload of Vibrators on Mustang Road

Oklahoma City roads took a pounding.

I mentioned in the last post Mrs. lefty's upcoming vacation (from me).  As it turns out, Murphy, of the Laws, has a room at our house and sprinkled a little Murphy dust on her vacation.

It started out innocently enough, with a couple of weeks of an astoundingly nasty-sounding cough. So after only two weeks and constantly having to listen to me bitching about seeing a doctor, she called a doctor. I'm not sure what's going on at the doctor's office, but she got voicemail that gave the impression they were Quite Busy and they'd try to call back within 73 hours. If this is an emergency, go to the emergency room. If it's not an emergency, go to the emergency room. If you have sneezed in the past 37 days, someone will call you back. Hopefully.  After a brief, loud and angry discussion, we decided on Urgent Care. Urgent Care means we urgently need the care and they urgently need to collect the copay up front, then we can hold our collective breath until somebody shows up. Surprisingly, an actual doctor stopped in and said he was an actual doctor - :Look, it's embroidered on my shirt." He took a look at the xray and showed it to us. I was in complete agreement; it was an xray. He directed us to one point where it was fuzzier than the rest of the points. He said he really didn't like the way it was fuzzy and the image of the Virgin Mary was out of focus. He suggested that since we were at Urgent Care. we go to the emergency room at the hospital to get our cat scanned. The joke was on him - we don't have a cat. Ok, there's a few hours of our lives we won't get back. 

I was beginning to think I wouldn't be able to get back to work, like I told my boss.

For unfortunate reasons, we're very familiar with the hospital. It's a very good hospital and we wouldn't hesitate to go. In fact, we keep going. I don't even complain about the place - that's how good it is.

Until today.

They took us right back, and by that I mean we were invited to sit in the cavernous waiting room for 3 hours until they took us right back. They took her blood pressure, her temperature, and her copay. This is getting repetitious. Then, POOF, we were right back in the waiting room. This is confusing, as we always get seen fairly quickly, within 2 days at most. The waiting room was the size of an airplane hangar, but it smelled more, of different gases. There certainly were enough chairs. Wife asked me why they were zip-tied together. There are many possible answers, none of them particularly appealing. 

1. to keep inmates patients from stealing them
2. the person who set up the room has OCD and nothing can be moved more than one centimeter (3 gallons Canadian). 
3. Fungu. Funged Up. Feng Shui

All God's children were waiting with us. I say this because I felt like I was taking a Greyhound cross country. The nice kid facing us decided it would be a good time to take a nap. And nap he did, featuring some wicked snoring. I was waiting, but not watching, for him to start playing with his junk. His shorts were certainly short enough. Speaking of which, we saw many people with short shorts. They were invariably overweight, with cottage cheese thighs, and in their 50s. People, do I really have to tell you not to do this in public, especially in a place where people are really sick? You are just making things worse for all of us. Since Wife was hacking up a lung, I thought we'd be granted wide berth, but aside from terrified looks, no one moved. This included the generously-endowed lady in the wheelchair, waiting for her generously-endowed mother, with a crutch, to help her to the bathroom. They were generously-endowed all over, to the tune of at least a hundred pounds each. The chairs are uncomfortable, to be polite. They figure you'll get so tired and aggravated that you'll just leave. Another brilliantly failed idea from Healthcare, Inc.

I was shocked to discover we needed to wear breathing arrestors (masks). I haven't worn one in months. This is another part of the failed theory: you'd feel like you couldn't breathe and run out of the E/R. I almost did. They had vending machines, of course. They would accept your debit card, but apparently were having trouble with accepting bills. But for their own amusement, they didn't tell anybody. Somewhere, in some business, in some back room, we're all on video, attempting to put bills in the bill slot, failing, and cursing. The other one required exact change. Why is it that every machine....

Hours later we were called into the Inner Sanctum. They explained this wasn't our actual room, but they could get started working. In English, this means Sit and we'll ask you the same questions somebody else did 3 hours ago. We might even take blood!  Before the process was allowed to start, it was discovered they had the wrong name on the chart. Everything ground to a halt, while the Last Name Modification Squad was paged and helicoptered in. Within an hour, they had a new band all printed up for her. I was told this was a new record and not to tip them. Then they took blood. I wisely kept watch, across the room, by the door. Because they're too busy with the patient to bring a stretcher when I pass out.  We've been away from home for about 7 hours at this point, and feel terrible for abandoning the dog. But you know what's coming, right? They want to put us back in the waiting room. I begged, pleaded, offered candy and/or sexual favors to just sit us anywhere that wasn't the waiting room. The fat kid was now snoring out the Top Ten Hits of the week. AND he found his junk. Or at least his girlfriend did. But the joke was on him - she wasn't his girlfriend. She just showed up and took advantage. Of course if you're a guy, it's not called taking advantage, it's called YEAH! 

We told them Urgent Care did the xray and sent it to them. The joke, once again, was on us. They have no means of sending it over, but just like to make a show of being connected. They gave us a note from the doctor, but the hospital couldn't understand the writing. Round about Hour Nine, they took us to a room. And when I say a room, I mean a hallway. Literally. But it was outside a room, so that counts, right? They told Wife to put on a gown. Since we were in a hallway, they told her to find a bathroom (without entrails on the floor and ceiling) and change there. Approaching hour ten, she's had an xray, been two places, and donated some blood. We both lost our patience in different car crashes when we were little, so it wasn't pretty. Eventually they took her away. To the CAT Scanner, hopefully. The doctor came by her spot in the hallway to tell us she had multi-phasic Bronchothorax in 7 places. Since the normal is one place, it might be good to spend some time having it looked at (and billed for). They got two bags of disgusting bright yellow medicine with the nuclear sign on it into her. Now here's where it got tricky: while they were playing ping pong and thinking about a good floor to place her, they got trumped by the People Moving Experts, who showed up first to take her to her new new room. No benches, no snoring, no zip ties, just a bed. As it was already 47 minutes past visiting hours, I needed no other motivation to RUN AWAY! At least the dog was happy to see me, stamping her paw by the back door.

So yeah, that vacation she's supposed to be leaving on in a few days? I'm thinking the plans just got modified. Once they tell her she has to stay home with me, they will have to put her on suicide watch.  Hopefully better than Epstein's people did.

Now let's tie this all together.

About the missing wash?

I was told some of it showed back up and was put in the washer a few days ago. So in the midst of waiting 10 hours at the hospital, I had to ask what ever happened to the laundry? "I told you."  Uh-oh. "I said I put it in the washer and if I went to bed, you needed to put it in the dryer." No you didn't. but to argue is to invite putting myself in the hospital too. I asked if she has any sympathetic sisters who would feel terribly sorry that she's not home to do the wash. She was amused.  "But there's no big problem."  Translated: there's a big problem. "You just take them out of the washer, put them in the dryer for half the normal time, then put them in the washer again." [The sound of a grown man crying] Oh sure, that's way too simple. I thought it was going to be hard. What's the normal time of drying? Which blue liquid do I spill on myself? Which one's the washer?  I used the number setting on the dryer because the word setting made me ask more questions. Maybe it should talk to me, like the damn elevators at the hospital. Sure, you've read about them and seen them on tv, but you're just not ready to hear them in real life. "First floor," it said smugly, "It's a shame you wanted the ground floor. Come back real soon, hear? It's true what people say - you really DO have a small penis. We can save you a spot in our Elevator Training Course. Just between us, I'd bring something expensive from the gift shop when you come up tomorrow." And ultimately, the joke was on her (the elevator) because everything in the gift shop is expensive.

I haven't brought it up at this point, but there will be a full inquiry as to when, where, and how the (dirty) laundry popped back up. We're going to get to the bottom of this, at least until my cranium is all crushed in from her hitting me with the cast iron pans she had to have for 'cooking.'

Her: Did you take it right out of the dryer?

Him: Ah... yes. Definitely the same day I put it in.

Her: Remember to hang my stuff up.

Him: Oh, do we have hangers?

Her: Look, I don't mind you doing it around the house, but if you're going outside, could you please take my underwear off your head?

Him: I don't wear your underwear on my head.

Her: You probably have it on now.

Him: What are you worried about - they're clean. In the winter, they keep my head warm.

Her: It's 92 degrees out and this hospital has a psych ward.

Him: What about the guys wearing wool hats in the summer? Those people should get a ticket to the Happy Place<tm>. But no... it's hip and fashionable to cut off your cooling in the extreme heat.

Speaking of which, I seem to be in on the ground floor of a terrible discovery. It's women. No, not just women. Women are growing stuff on top of their heads. First thing I saw on tv this morning was a morning show host with a large-ish.... thing(?)... contraption(?) on top of her head. First I thought it was an upside down flower pot. After careful consideration, I think it's a fez. An undercover fez. She could put the fez on and it would perfectly cover the thing on top of her head. I'm sure if I looked hard enough, I'd see the bright yellow tassel.  Since I'm a guy, therefore hopeless, I asked Wife. She told me it was 'in.' Women are wearing things on top of their head. Since I am hopeless, I asked why. She answered non-verbally, with that look that says 'you're going to drop this right now, aren't you? I may stop cooking (and other stuff) entirely.'

But that wasn't the worst of it. She was right. I looked around, surreptitiously, meaning I was swave and deboner, and every woman knew I was looking at her, and I discovered she was right: they were all growing something Up There. It occurred to me at that moment that it spreads in the air, like the Flying AIDS. It attacks mostly women, but men too (man bun, anyone?). I wonder if that stupid mask will protect me.  But the joke is on the virus: I can't grow hair there due to male pattern baldness. I'd need to get a Lee Press-On Man Bun.

Ladies (and hipsters), I dunno who told you that looks good, but they were messing with you. Last week at the library, my buddy behind the counter, a nice blonde lady, had something up top that was wound way too tight (she was too) and could have passed for a donut. Being married, I had to stop all the words coming to my mouth about eating donuts and setting her hair Free at last - thank God almighty, it would be free at last. We guys, at least the ones who notice stuff, love your hair covering your ears, down, curly, whatever. We're also smart enough to tell you how good it looks with half of it in a lump or two on top of your head. Maybe if we stopped lying, you wouldn't do it anymore. Of course we'd all be in the doghouse til 2035, but still....

Her: I put it up. Doesn't it look sophisticated?

Him: Uhhhhh, no.

BANG

Her: I put it up. Doesn't it look sophisticated?

Him: (thinking back) Why yes, it makes you look sharp and sexy.

Her: Good boy. Sit. Here's a treat.

Her: I put it up again because everybody tells me they like it.

Him: Errrr..... ummmm.... perhaps we could do our bit to fight global warming by not spraying it or anything to keep it up.  I think it gives you a real air of authority but you know what would be even better? If you just let it down. Really. Ask Jenny. Stop fighting gravity. Let's get you the latest Flying AIDS shot and hopefully you'll be protected from anything else growing up there. Our neighbor has a whole shrubbery happening up top. Green does not go with her eyes.

I don't usually drink, but in the words of Lloyd Bridges, "I sure picked a bad time to stop sniffing glue."

Apparently I had also picked a bad time to stop shooting heroin.

Yes, I made a difficult yet honest attempt to visit the hospital the next day. Actually, to visit my wife, but hospital is as far as I got. I'm walking in and get accosted by the two Desk Ladies: who am I and where was I going? I'm looking around to see who they could be talking to because no one talks to me voluntarily. It's true... they only talked to me because they were getting paid for it. Ummm.... I'm lefty and I'm going to see my wife in 327Q2.

Her: What's your name?

Me: lefty

Her: What?

Me: lefty

Her: can you spell that?

Me: Yes

Her: How is it spelled?

Me: L like lavatory, e-f-t...

Her: L? Come around here, please.

They put up a huge semi-circular pane of plexi, obviously to keep out the Flying AIDS, with 2 small holes drilled in it to talk to the nice ladies. She called me over to the side, where there was no plexi, so she could hear me. 

Her: Ok, spell that, please.

Me: L-e-f

Her: Don't you have any I.D.?

Me: No, sorry.

Her: Have you ever been here before?

Me: Yes, I've been here for over 30 years, and no one's ever asked me for anything.

Her: That's probably because you slipped past them.

Me: Lady, look at me... do I look like I can slip past people unnoticed?

Her: Ok, stand over there and I'll take your picture.

Me: No thank you.

Her: I can take your picture and you can go on up.

Me: I can't have my picture taken. It's religious and other stuff.

Her: I called Security and they said it's ID or picture. Want to talk to them?

Me: They don't sound very helpful, do they. What would you do with my license?

Her: Scan it.

Me: I see. It's a shame I don't have it with me.

Nice lady #2 pipes in: If it's a religious thing, you can wear a mask, get your picture taken, then pray about it later. It's a good thing I didn't ask about robbing banks.

At this point, the voices in my head are even louder than the ones outside, mostly arguing with or laughing at her. American Indians believe pictures will steal their soul. So I'm figuring getting their picture taken, even with a mask on, still leaves them short one soul. Obviously this nice lady failed her religion class, although she was obviously religious. Finally I could take no more, and didn't want to let the voices out, because that would be bad. I told them to take the picture with a mask. I told Number Two that she didn't want to know what would happen when they took my picture. Her eyes got wide, she actually slid her chair back and started blessing herself. If she had only realized I identified as Satan earlier, none of this would have been a problem.

Before you start saying I'm being horrible to two low wage employees who are only doing their jobs, I was quiet, polite, and told them I understood they were only doing their jobs.

It's only going to be about a week before they get hacked, along with all the other hospitals. My information is important to me and is absolutely NOT needed so I can visit my wife. I've been visiting people for 30 years successfully, without committing any illegal activities or surrendering my information or likeness.

So after the serious entrance grilling I was subject to, I found out they should have switched places with the nursing staff, who couldn't fscking be bothered to even check in on Wife. She had to go find them repeatedly. Two hours to change an IV bag. Four food trays were stacked up because no one ever took them away. After calling the room phone seven times with no answer, I did a little detective work and plugged the phone into the wall jack and BOOM - it worked! Just call me Einstein. While it wasn't a problem for me, the chair arm tended to fly out to the left. This will cause quite the accident and legal claim when it happens to someone else, though. Judging by their chronic inability to get IV bags, meds, or even water, I figured I was asking too much by trying to help them. Wife explained things to me this way: if I died, it would take them hours to notice it. Maybe a shift change too. Great. Now the favorite local hospital isn't even good enough to die at.

Then there was the physical therapy specialist we wished would not show up. She came by, the angels sang, she sat down and tried to completely mess up what Wife's doctor set up for her. This would also keep her in the hospital another few days, even though it wasn't why she was in the hospital in the first place.

This hospital used to be great. Great docs, nurses, and cafeteria. I was saving the best for last... the cafeteria has this great soft serve ice cream machine. Chocolate or vanilla. It was the only positive part of visiting my dying father. So you know in your heart of hearts that they took the machine away a while back. I was not amused when I found out. I walked around the hospital cursing a lot, in many different departments. Even people who worked at other hospitals knew about the ice cream machine. So obviously they had to get rid of it. They made a strategic mistake here... if your hospital is going to shit, keep the ice cream machine. Keep their minds off the medical care, or lack of thereof. 

We asked Elizabeth, a recently departed monarch, what she thought of the departed ice cream machine. She/they were also not amused.

The head  of the WHO (NOT Roger Daltrey) said the end of the Flying AIDS pandemic is in sight. I wonder if it's riding on a horse, or maybe a Tesla. It's easier to see if it's on a horse. Unfortunately this leaves the WHO without much to do, while it has the spotlight. It will be chatting with the CDC shortly, and will work on something else to extend its 15 minutes. It asks that you give it a while, as Lord Fauci has gone on to the Great Corporate Job in the Sky. All indications are that Monkeypox and Polio are really good prospects. The only problem with Monkeypox is that it is transmitted by touch. China is working on a version that's transmitted through the air, just like the Flying AIDS. They're ahead on polio, which somebody stumbled and turned loose in the New York City sewers. Bats are also a favorite.

Vaccines are being prepared, whether you need them or not.

As a guitar player, I got excited to see the email with the subect: Free Shred Events Coming Soon. Ooh, cool, they're probably bringing in some metal players. After a second look, the email was from my bank, about an event where you can shred sensitive paper. I wonder if they'll let us shred sensitive metal players....

Also as a guitar player, I'm excited about the latest Jeff Beck tour. You can hear it at sugarmegs.org, where you can download a ton of concert audio for free. Jeff's playing is in fine form, but he actually said two sentences in between songs, so he might have been an imposter.  A few songs in appears an actual singer. Yes, it was Johnny Depp. It turns out he's not that bad a singer. No guitar player in their right mind could stand up on the stage with Beck and not feel like a total infant, but Depp acquits himself (oops) well by playing only steady rhythm. His voice will sound familiar to you. The best I can describe it is like Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits), but more controlled and less conversational (I like Mark Knopfler). 

I'm waiting for John Malkovich to make a movie called "Being Johnny Depp" but there probably won't be one because it would get an X rating. How horrible it must be to be Johnny Depp. Sex, drugs, rock and roll - literally. And he doesn't just play some rock and roll, no sir. He does an album with one of the greatest guitar players of all time. Now they're touring, so we have to wonder what kinds of fun is happening backstage. This is the first tour Mrs. Beck has come out on, if that is any indicator. Jeff has the nerve not to be appearing in my entire state when he comes by. We might have to drive to New Jersey. Ugh.

• Deaf dog is adopted by Michigan teen with hearing loss — now they're 'inseparable'
• cuz we need a little of this today 

Check out the new Frank Zappa video for Valley Girl.

Yes, he's dead, and the song is very old, but here we are. Anything to celebrate Frank is good with me. It seems odd that, while this song was famous, it became the very thing it was parodying.  I fear if he saw it, he'd re-animate and kill some of his children for producing it. The best comment I got was "Dreadful."

Uber has been hacked, and reports stolen.

You should probably stay out of Uber vehicles and systems. The drivers were assaulting and killing passengers for a while. None of it seems very reliable. I'll bet their app is a nightmare with your information. So I'm thinking 'keep your health and life and information, vs get a popular ride share now.' You're a big boy or girl (or any of the 247 varieties in between) and can make your own decisions.

Yeah, There's the Raping, but When Does the Pillaging Start?

IMPORTANT NOTE: per the governator of PA and his assistant with gigantism, masks are required to read this blog. While we will not check your vaccination status, we hope you have your paperz. If neccesary, we will have Dr. Oz verify your compliance.

Your love is like  polio

The SHTF in England, where the Queen's death has been officially blamed on Meghan Markle, and the people are revolting. Sorry, the people are revolting over the name Balmoral, insisting it be called something nice, like Smith, or Greenland,  or Bob.

Today I identify as  the Queen

So I'm plagued with Windows at work. Thusly I'm plagued by Google, in the form of Chrome. One of my coworkers warned me about an issue, wherein all of your bookmarks disappear. "My, that's inconvenient," I thought. Weeks later, my bookmarks disappeared. 'My, that's inconvenient' turned into other words, mostly with a four letter count. Following the instructions left by my coworker, I can positively state that the browser restarted. With the same complete lack of bookmarks. Again, I praised the operating system and browser, unsure of which caused the problem. Not that I had anything important to do, as I was at work. Going to Helpdesk was the option of last resort: I heard about people chewing their own fingers off rather than go to Helpdesk. Considering that Helpdesk provided the fix that didn't fix, I was even less enthused.

So I restored my bookmarks from my backup. 

I'm feeling quite the hero today. If they knew, Helpdesk would respect the hell out of me too. Since it's Monday morning, I should probably coast the rest of the week.

England, further  

People will die, but life goes on. The Queen's beloved corgis will be taken care of by Prince Andrew, the Queen's second son, and noted sex offender, in the Jeffrey Epstein case.

Seriously... corgis? Not any other breed, like... say.... cockers? A nice, regal chow?

In his 9-11 speech, Joe Biden mentioned the Queen's passing. He said that although they were a 'righteous band,' they must accept responsibility for 9-11. 

Speaking of the Queen's passing, 100 year old Gwendolyn Hoare almost passed when she received a birthday telegram from the Queen herself, one day after Her Majesty passed. A large section of the UK calls this proof of life after death. A smaller section says only Her Majesty could have pulled this one off.  Meanwhile, Ms. Hoare is undergoing a full series of cardiac tests and hopes she doesn't receive any more telegrams from deceased royal-type persons. 

Reactions on the Queen's passing are coming in fast and furious, with few  surprises:

• She was always runnin round the planet. She'd go to china and bring us back some made-in-India toys. She was always forgetting our names - Harry and the other one 
• We haven't had relations in over 40 years  - Prince Philip, deceased
• She didn't come to my wedding and signed me up for Welfare - Meghan Markle
• I'm the king, you know  -  Charles
• The Sistah's representin  - Biden/Harris - US Center for Diversity
• Oh shit... who's running things now?  - Canada
• When do we vote for a new one?  - Alabama, Kentucky, parts of Texas

Technology wasn't very advanced when Queen Elizabeth got throned. Seventy years later, Charles is more savvy. He wants to put England's best foot forward, along with its stiff upper lip, creating quite the show, anatomically. In that spirit, he is hiring Britain's best and brightest, its most lovely women, with perfect teeth, to participate in the parade.

Please don't tell him the parade's canceled. Just let him march.

Where did the internet come from? When students are asked that by an assistant professor of media studies at the University of Virginia, some mention ARPANET or Silicon Valley — and "no fewer than four students have simply written, 'Bill Gates....'"

I think this explains Biden giving away $10 grand on tuition each. It also explains why college isn't the best idea for everyone. Or anyone.  

It's ok, Scooter... college isn't for everybody. Do you have any idea what a plumber makes? If you go into the trades, you don't even have to show up or answer customer calls.

 Elon Musk drafted a short tweet to apologize for his lack of presence lately, as well as the lack of Tesla faults, up to and including full immolation. He promises to get back to the spotlight as soon as this Twitter nonsense has been put to bed and he buys Spain.

Speaking of banging starlets, somebody in the lefty household is embarking on a vacation. My best guess would be the other person in the household, not including the dog. I cannot vacation because the blog needs me. Remember the enforced vacation last December? I had to burn up my vacation days or I'd lose them. It did not go well, but at least it provided much blog fodder.

If you haven't read about this earlier, I instituted a new position called Vice Wife. If Joe Biden were unable to perform the duties of office, his vice president would take over. Some would say Biden was never able to perform, but let's not go there now. So I figured we'd inaugurate the position of vice wife, for when the regular wife was not able to perform the duties of her office. She snickered and asked what about a vice husband? I told her it's only fair. If I fail to perform the duties of my office. Go get one - he can mow the lawn. There's a duty of office I hate to perform. I'm good with all the other ones.

So I figure vacation is the time to install the vice wife (assuming we don't go on vacation together). Going on vacation together and installing the vice wife would potentially cause problems. Or, if vice wife is not an acceptable title, I'm amenable to having a babysitter. Naturally the main problem here is finding a candidate and having her accept the position. At least she doesn't have to get voted in, except by me (and potentially, Wife). How does one ask a particular female if she'd like to take the office of vice wife? 

"Hi there. I need a vice wife for a week or so. Are you up to performing the duties of office?"

It won't be the first time a woman has looked at me nervously then run away.

You might be asking yourself why both leftys aren't going on vacation. Good question. I too believe that married people should vacation together. But imagine every step of the alleged vacation being painful. We start with a leisurely 10-12 hour drive to get there. A 2 hour drive to visit friends starts to get touchy, so 10-12 could get 'interesting.' My habit of falling asleep after 15 minutes in the car is sometimes a problem, especially if I drive. If When we arrive, it's a house with many bedrooms. Yes, it's a vacation! With other people! Because we all save up for a nice getaway where we can relax and enjoy ourselves. With 8 other couples. But hey, the fun doesn't end there.... no sir... the couples are all family! HER family! Can't you feel the love? The togetherness? The fighting? The money spent to hang out with in-laws? The ones where the guys watch sports and drink beer (neither of which I do). 

Oh, wait, I forgot to mention this. It's at the beach! Whoo boy, do I like the beach. And when I say I like the beach, I mean I really can't stand the beach. Don't get me wrong, I like the sun. I just don't like being out in it. That's assuming there's any sun. We can run along the sand (burning our feet and tripping!). We can go into the water (why?). We can wear lovely bathing suits (have you seen these people in daily attire? Bathing suits contravene the Geneva Convention). The last time I wore a bathing suit, I made sure to wear a shirt, because I believe in being somewhat considerate to the general public. 

Yes, an entire week of this goodness.

The relatives drinking beer. The infighting. The trying to look like I'm having a good time. The relatives trying to be nice to me, the Martian. The relatives finally giving up trying to be nice to me. Fun jaunts with random relatives to local points of interest (fast food and tourist shops). Communal dinners! Constantly remembering to smile!

When the entire fun week has ended, the tears start to flow. Tears of gratefulness. Tears of swearing we'll never do this again. Tears about driving 10-12 hours home. Tears hoping one of us remembered to board the dog. They said pets weren't allowed, so we were worried they wouldn't let me in the house.  But I guess, all in all, 10-12 hours in the car is a small price to pay, to get away from our 'vacation.'

I mean, seriously....... who asks their spouse to go on vacation with their family? Then gets upset that you don't think this is the best idea since chocolate? Am I the only crazy one around here?

And you're asking yourself how could I possibly miss this excursion? Why would I rather stay home, cook all my meals, do the wash, attend to the dog, and sleep a lot? Why would I rather mow the lawn? I could develop a new hobby, like self-injury. I could spend time with the new neighbors, whether they wanted to or not. I'd show up at their place around dinner time, hopefully with a pizza or two. You know how social I am. I could learn to play the guitar backwards (right handed). I don't have to figure out that much because I still have work. During 'vacation,' I'll be thanking heavens for work.  Who knows... maybe I'll put up daily updates. Sorry.

How many vacations end up in divorce? Just askin'.

Best Song Title  

This ain't the planet I signed up for  - Jon Paris 

If you're like me, you probably aren't really like me. That aside, I understand 'dark mode' is best on the computer screen because it's easier on the eyes. This also makes sense if you spend a lot of time staring at said screen. You can find a dark mode for your operating system and/or programs under it. Firefox has an addon called Dark Reader, which turns all or most pages to dark mode. You can play with the colors or exempt the page. I'm sure there are others for FF and other browsers. The browsers themselves have dark modes. Might be worth checking out, for your eyes. Also ask your eye doc - I have no idea what I'm doing, optometrically or anywhere else. 

Speaking of the Moon, it's interesting to see where some of my readers come from. It's especially interesting when they're not from English-speaking countries. This week, the most hits came from Canada. This is exactly what I was talking aboot.

Is it because I haven't joked about Trudeau picking out a new, fashionable dress lately? Because I can really afford to alienate readers.

I'm paying some attention to the Alex Jones (2nd) trial over Sandy Hook. The more I see, the more confused I get. Mr. Jones is allowed to say pretty much what he wants, excluding inciting violence. He said Sandy Hook was fake. Sandy hook residents sued and won, to the tune of $40m plus. In paying very close attention, I still cannot understand how anybody won against Jones' First Amendment rights. At this point, the trial seems centered on whether or not Jones made money from this. Well, he is a business. If he said Texas (where he's from) didn't exist, could he be sued for that? Who has standing to sue? What damages did he cause? 

Make no mistake, I feel for the people from Sandy Hook. They've been through a lot. But Jones didn't do anything suitworthy. Some of Jones' followers caused some problems, for which they should be punished, like harassment. Jones is not responsible for this. If there are any readers familiar with what laws Jones allegedly broke, please let the rest of us know.

I used to listen to Alex Jones every now and then. He's a great character. Some of what he says is truth. He predicted 9-11 and made Bilderberg a household name. As with anybody, you have to listen and figure out whether what you hear is true or false. However, radio and tv people should not be prosecuted for saying things that are perfectly legal. 

Is it TIME?

Is it finally Time?

It might be.

I've been flamethrowering libertarian candidates for looking like mountain men or wearing large, bright yellow hats in official pictures. While I have a whirly-nerd cap, I am not running for anything (from is a different story). In order to play in Their playground, we have to look like them. Never thought I'd be saying this, but put on a suit and tie, dammit. Although you make more sense standing next to the Rs and the Ds, you don't look like you belong there. 

I noticed the Governator's henchman, Fetterman, appearing and running in jeans and a hoodie. And he's way ahead in the polls. Quite frankly, he looks like some kind of arch villain, in a new comic book. But the fact the he gets away with it tells us people finally don't care, or that they don't care in general. Or they're laughing at Dr. Oz. Any or all of these could be true. Regardless, vote libertarian. At least look at their platform. The Governator, Fetterman, and Oz are all ass clowns. Voting the same as we always have has done nothing but make things worse. Time for a real version of Obama's change.

I'm a huge Joe Cocker fan (RIP) and I always have been, ever since I was little and found one of his albums in my mom's collection. As I'm listening to his Woodstock performance, I hear a bit of between song patter. It occurs to me that as difficult as he can be to understand when singing, speaking ain't much better.

Another great talent that we won't see more of.

Emmys: Squid Game's Lee Jung-jae is the first Asian to win best drama actor

Garbage. 2022 garbage.

Let's say I am an up and coming guitar player (I am). Let's say I'm an up and coming and getting noticed guitar player (I am not). Let's say I win a prestigious award (I haven't). Let's say the news item is lefty is the first Martian to win Best Up and Coming Guitarist. I'd be pretty upset. I spent a lot of time honing my craft. Hours and hours per day for years and years. I'm pretty proud of where I've gotten, but know there's still a long way to go. I would not be happy that the focus is on Martian instead of guitar talent. I'll bet the industry isn't upset. After all, being an oppressed minority is all we talk about. We actually want to bend rules to make it more fair for minorities, because those fat old white men win everything. It's the damn Patriarchy again.

If Lee Jung-jae won because he/she is a talented actor, let it be known. 

Ironically, I don't give a rip about awards shows, where snotty folks spend all night patting themselves on the back and pretending to be happy for others who beat them out for the award.

A looted coin worth $1m was returned to Israel after a years-long hunt.

Truly a smart move. Israelis serve in the army and walk the streets with automatic weapons. And that's just the women.

 The current owners of the Star Trek brand wish to apologize most sincerely to the grieving family of director Jean-Luc Goddard (91). The mass casualty event was uncalled-for and they promise to watch spelling and pronunciation very carefully before sending out aggrieved masses. Agents for Patrick Stewart were not available for comment. 

P.S. Comments are moderated: I have to approve them before anyone sees them, so if you want to drop me a personal note, send it as a comment. Or send it to everyone. Elon Musk says all my readers are fake, like on Twitter. Show him he's wrong.

Half a Dozen Provocative Squats

Your love is like   chewing marbles

I think I have an answer to the destruction of the rainforest and the climate. Make junk mail illegal. No more trees cut down for mailers and no more carrying useless mail. If I got paid for my Brilliant Ideas, I'd be so rich, there would be no need to blog. The doctors tell me blogging is very healthy. They have no idea what I'd get up to if I didn't.... and they'd rather not know.

Today I identify as  a soccer team (football in England). My pronouns are it and they.

England has undergone a related emergency with the Queen's passing. There are not enough silly hats for the funeral. As mentioned here, British women would wear a horse on their heads, if they thought their necks would support it. Cue the Ministry of Silly Hats.

My coffee thermos cups are gone, except one. 

I have no idea.

I do the dishes, so I know they haven't been washed.

I don't have a conspiracy theory or even a normal theory as to where they've gone. But since I'm typing, I'm developing one. In the back of my mind. Where the dangerous stuff lives. Even though I have no filters, this stuff never sees the light of day.

I have no way to verify this, but I feel they're not going with the socks, pens, or flashlights. Maybe the flashlights. I see the flashlights when they're purchased and when they need batteries - no idea where they are in between. They're definitely not around when the lights go out. The coffee cups don't generally disappear, except maybe one, which tends to end up in a car, under a seat, with all sorts of new life inside. When I open it up to wash, it explodes, setting the new life upon me. No one owns up to this, but I don't get out much, so....

But this is an almost complete failure to exist. Unless they're all under the car seat, which I don't want to imagine. The hazmat team will have to come out. Again. They threatened to start charging us. We have two free per year, which barely covers January.

I could inquire into a Contigo Finder, but I'm going to go ahead and take a guess there's no such thing. I could build one, except I can't. Anything I build has a tendency to look like a really bad thing, with wires coming out in all directions. It also doesn't work. If it has more than two parts, it's a guarantee I'll put one in backwards. I could print up fliers and put them up on telephone poles, but that will involve another city agency with which I do not want to interact. 

The only intelligent idea I had so far was to check with pr0nhub.com, but I'll have to wait til late at night, when they have their best ideas. I think I might have something, in the left handed guitar store. I hear they're really great people and if I buy a guitar (or four), they'll buy me some Contigos. This sounds like my best bet. Oh, wait - the mortgage company disagrees. I could ask the dog, but she holds things pretty close to her furry belly, and says little. She does like coffee, though. Nah - she'd just leave them all over the floor, like her toys. My emotional support elephant, Iqbal, has pledged neutrality; like Switzerland, but without the chocolate or freezing temperatures. I could ask my girlfriend, but having a girlfriend would be hazardous to my health.

Crap. I was hoping to avoid this, but my only remaining hope is to ask Wife. I'm not going to like the answer. 

• I dunno
• I put them all in the sink (but they disappeared again)
• why is it always MY fault?
• why do YOU always lose the car keys?

At this point, I have to declare total loss: it's just cheaper to buy more of them. We've gone through 47 of them this year.

While I'm typing this, Wife is watching some cooking contest show. As if that weren't bad enough, she's not taking my polite hints to change the channel (DAMMIT - THAT SUCKS. ISN'T THERE anything ON TV NOW?). I've heard enough lisps to keep a Ru Paul show going for an entire season. So far I've heard about 213 ingredients, only one of which sounded good (anything starting with butter cream). The contestants are so self-absorbed, we could be watching The Bachelorette. Can't we get one of those tvs that only broadcasts to one listener? TV canceling headphones?

I'd probably get on one of these shows. My goal would be to have at least one of the judges hang themselves. Or at very least, self-harm. Ok, 2 hanging, 1 shooting.

Judge: Aren't you going to plate that?

Me: I did. I put it right there on the plate.

Judge: But presentation....

Me: Look at me. Do I look like presentation matters?

Judge: But.. but.... you haven't even drizzled anything over it.

Me: Drizzled? That's where a lesser cook pours something over food because the food isn't good enough by itself.

Judge: I don't think you're getting this.

Me: Of course I am. Taste it. Good, right?

Judge: I'd put a tinge more orange in it.

Me: I haven't put any orange in it. You don't mix fruit with chocolate, you Philistine.

Judge: It tickles my tastebuds in an almost obscene way.

Me: I rest my case.

Judge: But it still looks like a lump of mud.

Me: Go eat your orange glasses. No one wears orange after April, and no one wears orange glasses.

[gunshot]

Me: One down, two to go.

It's PENIS TIME!

A Urologist Used an Electric Truck to Power a Vasectomy

Billed insurance extra for the truck

Why Does This Keep Happening: Another Teen Got a USB Cord Stuck Up His Penis

• it's the natural successor to "how did that lightbulb get up your butt?"
• My prostate is USB-compatible and I can check its health, if I put it in the right hole
• just wanted to see if it would fit
• it only takes me 20 minutes to recharge this way
• because I can

New York returns $19m worth of stolen art to Italy

Italy called New York last week and said it would like to visit. It told New York to return the stolen art or there would be no New York left to visit, capiche?

Pakistan politicians label government cybersecurity team 'incompetent'

You have to admire brutal honesty, even if it's a stupid statement to make out loud.

In the US, nobody would say anything out loud, then Biden would give them billions of dollars.

 If you think about it, the charges are being made by politicians, who can't be relied upon to turn their computers on correctly.

After Biden gave chip manufacturers $50 billion, you're asking yourself how he could top that. I'll tell you: he wants to give them a 25% tax credit on new fabrication. I'm proud to be American, where so much money is taken from me in taxes, that the country can afford to give billions away to business. And this is the stuff the democrats call the republicans on. Two sides of the same broken coin.

Brazil told Apple it cannot sell phones that don't come with chargers.

Apple went into a 2 week tizzy (not to mention a petulant frenzy). As a result, you are no longer allowed to say the word Brazil in any Apple facility. Grown men, running around pulling each other's hair out. It wasn't pretty.

I think it's a great idea. Unfortunately, Brazil didn't think this all the way through. Apple may wipe them off the map and put a giant slave-labor iDevice plant there. Remember Africa? It used to be green, with a thriving economy and there were no poor. Until the day an African minister said something about using all android phones in his country. Look at it now. Even the animals are dying off. But at least there will be ivory iPhones. For a while, anyway......

I love Brazil, especially the ladies. Except for the ones who have derrieres four times the width of their chests. Yes, it's ok to like small or normal sized butts.   Adriana Lima is from Brazil. Many Victoria's models are from Brazil. If that's not a reason to visit, what is? Gisele Bundchen. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting stunningly beautiful women in Brazil. What do they do with the ugly ones, you ask? They work in the Apple factory.

Cloudflare, a huge online security service, submitted to pressure and dropped service to Kiwi Farms, a site that promotes harm to minorities. This is absolutely unprecedented. Usually an ISP (Internet Service Provider) gets targeted to stop service to an allegedly objectionable site. This is a dangerous precedent. It's worse than blaming a newspaper for a classified ad they publish. The site drop was initially denied, but a large internet campaign, including death threats, changed Cloudflare's minds.

Assuming Kiwi Farms threatens or encourages harming people, they should be dealt with by their ISP. This is not covered by the First Amendment. But threatening Cloudflare is not the way to go about it and is downright whiny and juvenile; in other words, par for the course these days. What happens when a group doesn't like the next sort of internet traffic? Not illegal, but objectionable.

Threatening Cloudflare is ballsy (and stupid). They are huge. It's like some of the Trump-inspired lunatics threatening the FBI. Anonymous threats. Kiwi Farms, to their (dis)credit, has spent the last 48 hours doxxing and swatting people. This is also intolerable.

Asked about the Queen's death, President Biden said, "America grieves with you, Britain, on the death of Queen Elton." Biden then approved $23 billion in aid, saying that it was a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of the money he's given away.  The Secret Service rushed to his ear and said, "Wrong queen, Boss."

I just got an email notification warning that Diana Ross and Boy George are appearing this weekend at a local venue. I suppose they'll perform their greatest hits...

• Ain't No Mountain High Enough to Make Me Miss You Blind
• I'm Coming Out
• Touch Me in the Morning and I'll Tumble 4 Ya
• I'm Gonna Make You Love Me (and I Really Want to Hurt You)

It's a shame I have to pluck my ear hair this weekend...

Too fat to fight! Four star general says Americans are too obese or criminal to join the armed forces and defend the country: Enlistment is at its lowest since after the Vietnam War

Too fat?

It's not our fault - body fat standards have gone up, so we're merely obese now.

Criminal?

The man is saying that we have less scruples than the entire military. We should get a trophy or something.

I'd avoid Vietnam references, because it shows people might have gotten wise to the fact they're expendable.

It's always nice getting together with my friends. They talk about their kids. Some have grandkids. I make sure to tell them Penny brought me a dead mouse the other day.

What to watch? 

A. "I realized I had to pick up my intestines because they were hanging out of me"

     - or -

B.  "Hi, it's me again. I'm here to talk to you about your Medicare Part C..."

this is a tough one, and there is no correct or good answer.

The Mating Call of the Adult Male Mud Shark

Your love is like   not much, really

What habits are cute when you're dating, but irritating in a relationship?

1. breathing
2. the way you pick your nose when you think I'm not looking
3. your side hustle as a highly-paid assassin
4. braiding your nose hair
5. your squeaky speech
6. the fact that you speak at all

Today I identify as  trans (species). I insist you use the correct pronouns. I'll let you know what they are as soon as I figure them out. The first one is OMFG.

I just returned to using my ergonomic keyboard. Now I make twice the mistakes in half the time.

The cat is permanently out of the bag with Apple. 

Tim Cook says ‘buy your mom an iPhone’ if you want to end green bubbles

Even if she's old and can't read the screen. If Apple made an iDevice that slit your wrist, they'd expect everyone to slit their wrists. It wouldn't even matter that they're killing their customers - they're the first, the best, the only. Use the standard messaging format? Yeah, right.

If Apple were a person, his therapist would diagnose him with delusions of grandeur and psychopathic. He's already dictator of a huge cult, which does nothing to keep him grounded.

Auto Trash Update  

For those of you who might have skipped or just plain did not read about it, we experience Auto Trash. At some point after the cans are picked up, they are taken to the back, where we keep them until it's time to take them out again. We have no idea who does this or by what manner it happens.

We figured since we got a new neighbor, Auto Trash had stopped. 

Nope. This morning I saw that 2/3 of the cans were back where we keep them. The other 1/3 was still waiting for pickup.

We've very curious about who our benefactor is. We'd like to send them a gift for being so nice. No luck. 

The thing is, these cans are large, and make a serious noise when moving, like huge diesel trains, crossing bridges before the bridges are blown up, using way too much expl*sives.  Yet I sit across the house from them and never hear them being moved.

I wonder if it's like quantum physics: the act of observing them makes them stop moving. If I put a motion-activated camera on them, nothing would happen.

Since there's no noise, it's a real head-scratcher. This leads me to believe there's [suspenseful noise] a conspiracy. Perhaps the aliens transport them the 20' (30grams Canadian), which would explain the lack of noise. Maybe JFK is moving them, from beyond the grave. Maybe RFK. Maybe they take turns, like they did with Marilyn. Again, a beyond living explanation would take care of the lack of noise when moving them.

We recently found out that some of the more distant neighbors think Mrs. lefty is single, or we got divorced, because they don't see me much. This could be the funniest thing that happened since we moved in. We moved in with a 24' truck, with a friend running the length of the truck, banging congas and screaming, "We're heeeeeeere!" So long as Mrs. lefty doesn't begin dating, I'm more than good with this. Her No Dating Policy is similar. The other explanation is that they try to help her, because she's 'single' and uses a cane. But that doesn't explain the noise. Or the fact they might see me putting the cans out. Maybe the government is testing out its new Trash Moving Ray and wants to make me look foolish. The joke's on them: I've looked foolish since the second grade.

You're probably thinking I have a lot of time on my hands, generating paragraphs on a blog about this. You probably have a bit of a point, but because we apparently don't live together, I have to keep busy somehow.  Don't forget - ThermionicEmissions is merely the chronicle of one guy's descent into madness. Some would say he already arrived at his destination.

Ukraine: Ben Stiller and Sean Penn latest Americans banned from Russia

I dunno about you, but I figured Stiller was a given, regardless of what he said. He can stay home with Adam Sandler. In fact, we can threaten to export them both to Russia, if things get really bad. That should put a stop to the hostilities.

Russia's getting pretty hip to public relations, using the word Russophobic. All they need now is for Putin to declare he's trans. Somehow I don't see that happening.

Bob Iger (Disney) said the reason they didn't buy Twitter is they found a substantial portion of users were not real.

Holy poop, Batman. Do you mean the tons of great people I met aren't real? All those lesbians... I have no idea why, but I met a lot of great people who were lesbians. All those guitar players? We can only reach one conclusion: *I* am not real. This will come as a great shock to my parents. Maybe Wife too.

 

 Best Headline 

Living fast may have helped mammals like ‘ManBearPig’ dominate

You know you're doing something right when South Park leaks into Serious Science.

The IRS is looking into free E-filing.

With the $80 Billion Old Joe just dropped on them, they're also looking into individual vacations.

 Faceyspaces Engineers: We have no idea where we keep all your personal data

In Lord Zuck's basement Data Shelter panic room. Not even Mrs. Lord Zuck has the key. There's 54 incoming internet lines and 1 outgoing. Also, his astounding collection of aardvark pr0n.

Was This Viral UFO Photo a Hoax Generated By an AI?

No comment on the photo, but for years and years, skeptics have been asking for pictures. Now there is allegedly a picture, and the skeptics want to know why there aren't more pictures. Notice that after every serious sighting, the Denial Squad comes out and explains why this isn't a UFO. It doesn't matter what you think about UFOs - just sit back and watch this dance.

The Miss America pageant is in the headlines again. The promoters have added a new skill: walking all the way across the stage without checking their phones. The contestants are up in arms, referring to the new skill as 'pure torture' and 'completely impossible to pull off.' The UN is threatening to get involved.  Stay tuned for more on this developing story-check your phones.

And now a word from Mrs. lefty: If you have dark brown hair, don't put blonde highlights in it. You're not fooling anybody.

It's nice to know, with all the worry about Tik Tok taking over, that people still choose to livestream their murders on Faceyspaces, like the Memphis murderer. Mark Zuckerberg is in touch with the murderer, offering to pay for his legal bills in exchange for a commercial. It would go something like this: "Yo, I could choose any number of social media services to livestream my killings... but I chose Faceyspaces. People may be flocking to Tik Tok but Faceyspaces is the shit for me. Killing people is a serious thing and it deserves serious streaming. Faceyspaces has always been there for me. So I choose Faceyspaces."

Faceyspaces: when you've just got to kill somebody

A Long overdue letter to my first blind date

Dear Mariah:

I apologize for taking so long to write, but I said I would and I'm a man of my word (even after 30 years). I was against the idea of a blind date, but my friends noted my 100% strikeout rate with sighted girls and wouldn't leave me alone til I said yes. Imagine my surprise when you could see after all. And that was only the beginning of the surprises.

Your playful insistence that I play blind and put on a blindfold when we went back to your place was well thought-out. It was only when it came off that the wheels started to come off the date. You will have to excuse my shock upon discovering you had one too, and it was considerably larger than mine. This sort of thing can really disturb a guy who's not fully experienced sexually, as you saw. I would have to call things off solely on this matter, as I'd never function well, knowing yours was bigger. It's a neurosis common among men, which you should probably know, having been one until recently.

Having to explain that the famous singer and professional unwell person was named after you would get old quicker than one of her scarves, but not one of her breasts, which are significantly newer than the rest of her.  Yours too, now that we're discussing it. If it weren't for your mustache hair, no one would know. It's just that I couldn't deal with the embarrassment of meeting people and watching their eyes go to you, then me, you, me, to figure out which one of us was a guy. I suppose you could end the debate quickly by whipping yours out, but it will get old quickly. Fortunately the police do not show up for much besides gun calls.

On the bright side, I wouldn't fight you for the tv remote. I'm man enough to let you drive, unless you find the sidewalk more appealing than the road. Meeting my parents would be a bit sticky. My mom can tell your hair color from smelling my bedsheets. There's no telling what else she can detect, and I'd prefer to avoid any embarrassing 'talks'. She can also tell by looking at you if you're pregnant, which doesn't look like it will be a problem. Which brings me to an important point: our component parts do not fit together in a way that would produce children. Mom would be heartbroken, even though I told her she'd always have a grand-dog. At least you'd only tell me you were late when you expected to arrive past the agreed-upon time. I think it's great you don't go crazy every 28 days, but telling me you're always like that put a damper on my enthusiasm.

We didn't have pronouns when we dated, which was a good thing. I'd only call you she or her, no matter how butch you looked that day. Speaking of component parts  not fitting, I gather that would be a real pain in the ass. Yours. Speaking of bolt-ons, I love boobies, but I'm terrified I'll break them. Imagine the internal war set off when you removed your bra... I'd naturally dive right in, then have to stop out of fear of causing damage. My head would eventually explode. That one too.

One of my greatest regrets is that I didn't get my alleged friends back for setting us up. I could have told them we flew to Vegas and got married by Elvis. Or that you don't seem different than any other girl. That you bought me flowers and have been stalking me since the date. That we went on a 12 state murder spree... stuff like that. That we decided one of ours has to go, but we haven't figured out which yet. The coin toss will be later this week. Got any ideas?

I have to admit, that thing you did under the seat was pretty cool, but the rest of the people on the bus seemed to disagree. It worked better at the restaurant, but next time we need longer tablecloths. The waiter almost tripped over you, but he asked for your number, so it wasn't a total loss.

Would you be in menopause now? Just askin'.  Have you been in any videos I might have seen?

We could probably go out again, mustache notwithstanding, but my wife has a very strict No Dating policy. She's very nice and came with a factory-installed vagina, but boy does she have balls. And personality. Many of them. You did really well in not continuing to date me, because she always tells me I'm good for nothing and you wouldn't want that.

I know you're pining away for me, but perhaps it's best we leave it at that one date, instead of wondering what could have been. I admit, it took balls. Four of them.

Warmest regards,

lefty

The suspect in a stabbing spree in Canada which left 10 people dead and 19 injured has died after being captured by police.

Myles Sanderson, 32, experienced "medical distress" after the arrest on a motorway in the province of Saskatchewan following a high-speed chase and died later, police say.

Medical distress, eh? He fell down the concrete steps of the jail and hit his skull on every one of the steps. Some twice.

They gave no details. An unnamed official earlier said that Sanderson died of self-inflicted injuries.

It was self-inflicted because he was driving when the police caught him. If he didn't lead the police on a chase, he wouldn't have inflicted himself by throwing himself onto the police.

Since Myles' brother is already bereft of life, there's no one who knows what really happened. Other than innocent people getting stabbed to death.

What Do Armadillos Do for Fun?

 

Your love is like  a poison ivy sandwich

The easiest way to entertain a baby

Don't have one.

Today I identify as  Boris Johnson [sigh]

My kingdom for a cake?  

A cake appeared yesterday. I like cake, but didn't ask for one. It's not my birthday, nor anyone else's. But a cake appeared. Maybe it was a gift from the Sugar Fairy.

As this is by far not the weirdest thing to happen around the house, I didn't pay it much attention. And when I say I didn't pay it much attention, I mean I really wanted some cake, regardless of the method by which it appeared. 

It turned out this was not a problem, as the next time I went past it, it was sitting out, and the box was nowhere to be found. There were divots all over the icing. The only thing it didn't have was fingerprints. Oh, wait, I located the box.. it was torn apart, with remnants of icing all over it. And if I looked carefully, I could determine the exact trajectory of the unboxing, by the icing all over the cabinets and drawers. 

Obviously the first thing that needed to be done was to ponder this, while cutting a piece of cake. It is an unspoken rule that I get any icing roses or anything tall on top of the cake made from icing. It was a superior piece of cake, and only slightly too large for my stomach. But we eat and learn, no? No, we eat, get stuffed, then do it again the next time.  I moved the cake near the stove, as I needed the space for cleaning. I'm just kidding - I needed the space to make coffee.

This morning I entered the kitchen to find an interesting mini-disaster. Half the top level of the cake had dislodged itself from the other half, then slid down off the rest of the cake, smearing itself on the burner, knobs, and handles of the stove, then down to the floor. Naturally this was the part with the most icing. Wife cried because there was a huge piece of cake on the floor. I cried because all that icing I wouldn't get to eat.

Is it a coincidence that Wife is watching one of those horrid old Poltergeist movies? How does a cake slide off a flat surface? Who is going to clean it all up? How much of the cake will I still be able to eat? These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of As the Stomach Turns 

UPDATE: Have you ever tried to remove buttercream icing from a kitchen floor?It stuck to the floor like women stick to George Clooney. Wife has an insane stock of cleaning products, for every surface and emergency, except buttercream icing. Since I am now the only one who can bend down*, I got the pleasure of doing all the scientific cleaning experimentation. I can safely say that nothing in our store of cleaners was up to the job. I gave up and used a scratchy sponge and dish liquid. It damn near almost worked. 

The problem now is the remainder of the cake. It still wants to fall this way and that, plus it tries to push the icing off onto the general area. Fortunately it cannot push more than half an inch or so. Are we having fun yet, or what? 

Remember that Twinkie that was left out until mold grew on it or it spontaneously combusted, like a Tesla? We left the cake out as our own science experiment. The icing suffered no ill effects. The cake got stale and hard, but cake is merely a vehicle to carry icing, so it doesn't count. Now you know what's for breakfast every day!!!! And snacks. And whenever we walk by it. New slogan from the Icing Marketing Board: Icing - it beats the fsck out of fruit!

* The combination of sustained abuse, age, deteriorating this and that, and side effects of medicines is taking its toll on Mrs. lefty. Is it 'fair' that after all the abuse, she now has to deal with physical issues arising from it? Life sucks - just ask a survivor. 

A Watauga, Texas, church where the pastor called for gay people to be executed is facing the possibility of its second eviction in a year.

I'm not what you'd call a religious person, but I recall something in there about not killing. I can't remember exactly where, but I definitely heard it.

Iran sentenced 2 LGBT advocates to death the other day. There is some real sickness out there and it ain't the LGBTs. 

[Picture of Tom Hanks' wife] Rita Wilson looks teary as Hollywood couple dine out  in LA with troubled son Chet Hanks, who faces accusations of cultural appropriation.

Oh. My. God. 

This is unconscionable.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe I'm laughing so hard.

In prior years, parents were embarrassed and stressed about their children's drug problems, getting thrown out of school for blowing stuff up, not playing well with police, crashing the car, not having a gender reveal party, and failing their astronaut exams. Now, in 2022, parents are beside themselves because their little snowflake might have practiced cultural appropriation! I'll bet he refused to use their preferred pronouns too. Tom and Rita, we feel for ya, we really do. And as soon as we stop being hysterical, we'll try to contribute something positive to you two crazy parents, now get outta here [Bill Murray].

Cultural... [snicker]..... appropriation? [full laughter].

Wait, let me try it again.

Cultural... [snort]. No, it's not going to work. Gimme a few days. Weeks. Gimme a few weeks. I should be ok then.

Depending on who you ask, BPD stands for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. Since it continues to be 2022, BPD now stands for Bizarre Pronoun Disorder. This is when people insist on using pronouns that wouldn't be obvious by observation. No, I'm not going to call you 'them' because you can't use that unless you have multiple personalities. And furthermore, you must refer to me as a firetruck, and communicate accordingly. No bells - air horns and sirens only.

You know from my rantings that I support LGBTQ+#&$ and will tolerate no state interference into their lives (or yours). Until I get Left Handed History and Appreciation Month, I don't want to hear about any other alleged infringements upon groups and/or minorities. Or what you think you're entitled to.

I mention this because I just came across this situation. Ok, I didn't, but my friend did, and that's pretty damn close, if you ask me (which you didn't). The person I know decided M wasn't working out and F was better. So she's a her, and everybody's happy.  I am frequently referred to as 'it' or Cousin Itt, which is part of the reason I don't go out much.

Faceyspaces and other invasions of privacy.

Easy to read, easy to understand 

 Got one of those nifty remote control thermostats from your power company?

Colorado Utility Took Control Of Thousands Of People’s Home Thermostats

They locked the thermostat and there was nothing you could do about it, citing electrical shortage.

 

The future will be ugly. In order to introduce some of the ugliness, companies must make them look attractive. Like this

OK Google, get me a Coke: AI giant demos soda-fetching robots

They almost had me....

with none of the great offices of state set to be held by a white man for the first time in British history

Liz Truss taking over for Boris.

Obviously she did an intensive study and found only women are competent for the job. Because she'd never practice sexism. It's only the leadership of a great country. Ho hum. Even Biden preached diversity.

Her theory is that men think with their penises. This is correct and not her theory. Her theory is that women think with their breasts and they have two of them, topping the single penis of (arguably) all men.

While we're in the neighborhood, a teacher from Ireland was suspended and jailed for not using 'they' instead of 'he' for a trans student. Ok, the headline was misleading (I didn't write it). He was put on paid administrative leave, but showed up anyway, so they carted him off. Transgenderism is against his Christian belief. 

Does he shun coworkers who 'live in sin'? 

Don't make me look up the commandments. Just wait til your father gets home.

Is this the natural successor to "Everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame?" 

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new term - Quiet Quitting.

It's when an employee checks out mentally. There are others...

• Quiet Driving - you'll want to avoid this
• Quiet Missile launching - only if they Quiet Quit first
• Quiet Drone Flying - this could work
• Quiet Food Shopping - I hate this - go to CostCo and there are always idiots parking their carts in the middle of the aisle while they shop on the other side. They take up the entire aisle.

10 dead, 15 injured from stabbings in Canada.

When apprehended, criminals said, "What do you want from us? We can't have guns."

Time to criminalize knives......

New bumper sticker: HONK IF YOU'RE STUPID

guaranteed to keep the honking down. I hope.

Black Lives Matter exec accused of stealing $10M in lawsuit

Black Lives Matter (BLM) leaders on Friday sued an executive of the Black Lives Matter Global Network Foundation (GNF) on charges of syphoning $10 million in donations to the organization for use as his own “personal piggy bank.”

President Biden said, "That's racist," and gave them $100 million, saying it will help lower the national debt. Financial experts said on Friday that Biden's medicine "has not reached therapeutic levels yet."

Bed, Bath, and Beyond's CFO jumped to his death from a building. BB&B is going to close 150 stores and lay off 20% of its employees. 

He really should have used his golden parachute.

[oops]

There were 2 significant massive stock selloffs before the fact, including the CFO. Good luck to the employees, best to his family.

$&#)

@)$&

So on the first day back from the 3 day holiday, I checked my email and there were only 57 deleted emails. These are the ones I filtered from the massive amounts of spam we send ourselves. 57. Only 57. Some Mondays there are hundreds. My coworkers will laugh at me. Then I'll go right back to the time in 2nd grade, when I...  it's too painful... my pants... oh, the embarrassment... in front of the entire auditorium... I just can't....

There's more crapware in the Google Play store. This time it's fake antivirus and cleaner apps. You'd hope that with Google's resources, it would strenuously test all apps before they're allowed in the store, but apparently not. Once again, it is up to you to use due diligence and some sense when choosing an app.

Want an antivirus? Use one of the major ones, with tons of downloads. This advice goes for most programs. Also look for bad grammar and low downloads. Use a different repository, like apkmirror.com or aptoide.com, the other advantage being not dealing with Google.

Don't store your data (logins, address, credit card, etc) in your browser on any computer or phone. Yes, it's less convenient, but if you put the data there, it exists to be stolen. Use a password locker, like Keepass (free).

Although tv is a giant intelligence suck, if you look around carefully, you can find something to add to your intelligence. F'rinstance - after 21 seasons of Air Crash Investigation, I can not only determine what caused a plane crash, but I can also fly one. Court TV made me an expert on the legal system, to the point where I can prosecute or defend someone. This stuff normally takes years of schooling and practice, yet we get it all free! CSI et al can make you a crime-solving genius, or at very least, a weird crime solving assistant, with wacky hair, odd clothes, and a strange personality. Every show has one of these. Chicago Med will show you how to operate and save lives, with the presence of hot women to distract you. Chicago PD (and all the others) will help you keep your streets safe, any way you have to. They almost give you a gun. 9-1-1 will keep your area fire-free and help you solve personal issues. Bones will help you with all that forensic mortuary stuff you have piled up. And Seinfeld will let you know the tv has been on too long and you need to get up and RUN away. Contrary to popular belief, any of the Law and Orders do not help you with crime; they just plant the suggestion to watch the other 40 spinoffs by the same guy.

Anything else and the tv is just sucking your brain out through a straw.

stereotypes don't appear from a vacuum