Walker, Texas Rug

Your love is like  the sport that's sweeping the nation - Kidney Toss!

A Texas school football coach is on leave after the students were forced to do 400 pushups: some wound up in the hospital.  Football is dangerous even before you hit the field. You are warned about the dangers of alcohol and tobacco, but not of sports.

Today I identify as   Chuck Norris' rug - it's very securely attached.

A televised British 'football' game got hacked, sorta, and people heard sex noises during the game. Now THIS could actually get me to watch sports. Nah, the game would still occupy the screen,

Netflix is advertising for a flight attendant for its corporate jets. They're willing to pay up to $385,000, mentioning the person must be capable of discretion. To hell with discretion, the person must be capable of concealing a wireless camera. Those flights must be interesting.

• Here's one I never thought I'd see - Radio Shack is back. The site seems a little weird and there aren't as many items, especially parts. But you can buy a mixer that sorta looks like a KitchenAid. There are stores, but spread pretty far apart and I get the impression they're not full Radio Shacks - more multi-brand. If you see one, please let us know. 

Why aren't the cold cold really frozen case police working on the Jon Benet Ramsey murder? This is a tragic case and the poor little girl got no justice. I remember evidence tampering, a typewriter, and at least 1 parent who seemed shady. The autopsy showed repeated abuse in her rectum. This points to at least one of the parents (or someone they knew or a group they belonged to). The fact that the investigation failed and stopped is suspicious. Police and the FBI are pretty good at this stuff.

I'm not crazy about children, but this is beyond unacceptable. You don't hurt children. Ever.

The father (the mother is dead) was on tv the other night. Since I was doing something else, I only heard things in the background. 

1. he sounds frighteningly like Dabney Coleman
2. he blames the police and others for dropping the ball. He cites the firing of the police chief, among other things.

Speaking of the Flying AIDS, since it's on the wane, the Superbowl parties are back!

Coworkers tell me nobody really watches the game - just commercials and the halftime show.

Ah, yes, I remember... drunken contests for who can eat the most wings with vinegar hot sauce. And a bunch of alleged musicians, miming their greatest hit(s). I have no idea how I managed to stay away all my life.

A friend invites me to his parties, a Wife drags me to them. Knowing me, he has to email me an invite, because I'm not on Faceyspaces. Some people treat me really well. Or one could say they manage to tolerate my peculiarities transparently. It's pretty funny because I'm the Anti-sports: I don't like any of them. Being an introvert, I'm not crazy about parties either, so I make sure the phone is loaded up with things to do. I know some of his neighbors better than I know some of my neighbors.

Drinking is another favorite activity at these parties. The host is a wonderful soul, who makes sure there's always Coke for me, because the 90 other people are drinking beer or DIET Coke. Ack. Diet soda. Diet soda is proof that God hates you, and because of the artificial sweeteners, he'll see you much sooner. 

Q. What's the only thing worse than Pepsi?

A. Diet Pepsi

Q. What's the only thing worse than Diet Coke

A. Diet Pepsi

Q. What's the only thing worse than Diet Pepsi?

A1. Nothing

A2. a new hit rap tune, played on a TOP HITS station. Every 15 minutes.

A3. paying 10% to 25% more for a left handed guitar

I'm kidding. I'd still rather pay 25% more for a lefty guitar than drink Diet Pepsi. 

Hey, I understand if you have diabetes. I'm glad you have something to drink. But if you tell me there's little to no difference in taste, I will rip out your pancreas and beat you with it. I can tell if there is artificial sweetener in anything, no matter how little. I can tell if somebody walked past soda with a packet of artificial sweetener. 

They. Don't. Taste. Right.  None of them. Even the latest, Truvia, from the Stevia Ray Vaughan plant. Look, I've never seen a plant that grows artificial sweetener. If it did, they'd call it natural. Wait - they already do. Nothing natural tastes like that. I will admit it's the least horrid of the artificial sweeteners, but that's like trying to pick the best way to be executed. "Well, shooting looks painful, and it's bloody. Electricity is just nasty, especially if they have to do it a few times to get it right. I guess lethal injection is the best.  And for my final wish, I want a Diet Pepsi."

[Superbowl commercial]  Diet Pepsi and execution - perfect together! 

I was minding my own business, which is a bad thing, as this is when Stuff happens. Mrs. lefty accidentally broke her glasses. She's really tough on things (especially me). There are no dainty gold chains, as they wouldn't last 15 seconds. After thinking about this, I must have missed the clues: the welder's helmet, the sledgehammer, and the plastic stuff with the trigger thingies. It's not so much the glasses broke as the glasses don't stand up well to falling or repeatedly being run over by the car. 

New prescriptions are always fun. You know you're in for a good time when the doctor takes the measurement, stops, takes the measurement again, frowns, and tried to figure out how to tell you something. Sometimes she offers to sign one of those legally blind forms. They're especially handy for driving. The cops love to see it when they pull you over because the inside light near your mirror doesn't work. The police are a special breed: to be able to tell that light doesn't work when it's off is a real talent. They look at you with a strange expression when you hand them the Blind Certificate.

Glasses are like shoes: ugly never goes out of style. Hundreds of pairs of frames.... nothing that's less than Frightening. I even asked for a set for me.... she laughed. All I said was "I want a pair of Big MFing Aviators." She took me over to the men's section, located in a tiny corner of the store (just like clothing stores), and pulled out a pair. I'm sure you'll agree with me that aviators are roundish/oblong-ish. She pulls out hexagonal. Even the legally blind know that hexagonal isn't oblong(-ish). She was not a dumb bunny. In case you can't picture what I mean, go to any store and look at the Cheap Sunglasses rack. There will be tons of pairs of huge sunglasses with tiny rims. They're everywhere, except in Vision Centers.

But enough about me. Let's talk about my reaction to the women's frames. They might as well rename the place to Ugly Frames, Inc. Of course this wouldn't distinguish them from any other store, but let's go with it for purposes of blogging. Out of hundreds of frames, they all appeared to be variations on square or cat's eye (think 50's, where the ends sweep up, ugh). To confuse people even more, they're hundreds of dollars. Compare the $49.95 frames to the $300 frames. They're the same material. It must be the lable. Apparently Jenny McCarthy has a frames line. I was assured that, no, they do not come with a set of implants. The Sophia Lorens don't make you look beautiful (like **** makeup), and the Shaq frames don't make you rich and use your name to shill anything at all. So with 3 different same-shaped frames, there are 3 different but equally shocking prices. She tried every one of them. It was good practice for me, coming up with different ways of saying "God, they're ugly." 

• Well, you have to wear them, not me
• Maybe that color is a little over the top
• Try again
• I think they don't fit your face well
• They don't go with your skin tone
• ACK. Oh, I'm sorry. I was shocked there for a minute
• [backing away slowly]
• I have to be honest: I wouldn't put them on a hedgehog, no less you

There was a pair of turquoise frames. They were so hideous, she almost bought them. She likes to make an entrance, and those certainly would. Then she looked at some more muted shades of Ugly. I was getting tired of the show. I think the saleslady was too, because she came over and said she'd give us a woman's impression. She was dead on too. She picked a few hideous frames that went with Wife's skin tone. As the paperwork was being done, she mentioned all the frames she had. She was a Frame Whore<tm>. She had frames more expensive than some of my guitars. I sat there, open-mouthed, as I've never met a Frame Whore<tm>. In fact I've never heard of a Frame Whore<tm>. I mean good for her - it wasn't my business if she had a collection of designer excrement. Although it would be a great story.

They had to put on extra nose padding so the glasses wouldn't slip because the lenses weigh 10 pounds each. Have I mentioned her vision is horrible? She ordered the scratch-proof lenses, as well as the welding torch-proof frames. This is not protection so much as a challenge for her.  If a welding torch won't 'accidentally' break them, she'll find something that will. It's good she has a hobby... it's not safe if she doesn't have a hobby. Actually it's not safe when she DOES have a hobby. They put a rush on the lenses, so they should be back in about 4 weeks.  And now I have to scour every vision place in a 25 mile radius for some Big MFing Aviators.

aviators - is it that difficult?

cat's eye - missing gaudy little diamonds up top

I just discovered I can't tell the difference between a wrinkle and a 'pull' on pants.

It was after I got over the shock of Wife asking me if she looked presentable. This is a question that I've never heard in my life. Asking me if you look presentable is like asking a drunk in an alley if you look sober. I told her she didn't look right because her pants were wrinkled. She told me that was ok - they're supposed to be there - they're called a pull. "Oh.  Then you look fine."  [phew... I escaped certain death]. Once every few years, I ask her if I look ok. She gets That Look and says I haven't changed since high school. A t-shirt is a t-shirt, unless I picked it up from the hamper and it's as wrinkled as the 118 year old lady who just died. So she'll tell me the shirt is too wrinkled and I'll tell her it's not a wrinkle, it's a pull.

Best medicine for curing depression and anxiety? Kindness, study suggests

 we're fscked 

Fukushima nuclear disaster: Japan to release radioactive water into sea this year

At least this time they're announcing it, unlike when it first happened.

Ransomware gang steals data from KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut brand owner

That's not ransomware, that's doing something good for America.

Youth in Asia

Your love is like   pickled Brussels sprouts

Mr. President, what's happening with these Top Secret files at 2 of your places?

Top Secret? They told me I could color with my Top Secret Presidential Crayons. Wow, that was a whopper, wasn't it? What's the name of that memory pill - I forget.

Today I identify as  dust (in the wind)

Chuck E. Cheese still uses floppy disks in 2023, but not for long

Won't it change the flavor of the pizza?

When I die and go to hell, it will be a Check E. Cheese. Screaming children and inedible pizza. They won't even have to change anything.

• Ok, so I was young once. Naturally curious, I wanted to know what Youth in Asia was.
• To this day I get in trouble when I ask about a massive Christian burial.

Conversations with my dog 

Me: Why do you always sit on my lap?

Her: Well, the sofa's more comfortable than the floor, and your lap is more comfortable than the sofa. And I have abandonment issues.

Me: I see. Why do you always lock radar on Mommy when she's eating?

Her: She drops stuff and doesn't pay attention. When she gets distracted, it's MINE. When it drops, it's MINE.

Everybody has their famous crush. I have too many. My current one is Julie Grant, of Court TV. She's so sweet, even Mrs. lefty likes her. I'm trying to set things up so when Wife goes to visit people overnight, Julie will be my babysitter. 

Speaking of CourtTV, I walked by myTV and heard a judge saying something about not going over the penis issue. STOP. Reverse. Large banner across the bottom of the screen says "The penis issue." It must be ratings week.

If you're feeling down and think the universe has it in for you, it could be worse; you could have an unexploded grenade in your chest. Poor Ukranian soldier found he had a parasite. He figures maybe he should go to the hospital, for a more informed opinion.

Hi, what seems to be the problem?

Unexploded grenade in my chest.

[yells at someone we can't see] Great. ANOTHER unexploded grenade. Ok, Sir, take a seat.

Ummm.... I have a grenade in my chest. It could go off any minute.

I understand. What you need to understand is that we have 8 chest grenades, 3 rocket propelled grenades, and 2 rectal grenades in front of you. Now if you'll sit over there in the waiting room, we'll get to you as soon as we can. The seats on the left have extra padding - but don't just drop yourself into one. 

[to self] Wow, this healthcare system is even worse than England's.

Sergeant Midviev, the doctor will see you now.

Thank you.

Hmmmm.... what do we have here?

Well, Russians were shooting at me and I seem to have a grenade in my chest. 

Hang on, hang on. You can't just walk in here and tell me you have a grenade in your chest. I went through 17 years of medical school, and I'll make the diagnosis, thank you.  Let's see..... hmmmm.... ahhhhh... oh. Sergeant Midviev, it seems you have an unexploded grenade in your chest. Say, don't you guys have field medics? I think it would be more appropriate to have one of them take care of this. Besides... my bomb-proof operating gown is at the cleaners. Nothing turns patients off like a bloody bomb-proof operating gown.

Doctor, this is above their pay grade.

Are these the same medics who sent me the rectal grenades? Are you sure you don't have a rectal grenade?

Pretty certain, yes. Why don't you try an xray?

Hey hey hey now... do I stand next to you and fire guns at Russians? No? Then don't tell me how to do doctor stuff.  NURSE - get this man a chest xray. Try not to jiggle the gurney or go over any bumps in the floor, ok? After that, get a psych consult. I think he has Explosive Personality Disorder. Sergeant, put this gown on. It has no back, and very little front. You can only wear these in the hospital. If you wear this near a school, you'll go to jail, which will make you long for a mere unexploded grenade in your chest.

lefty's tips for the day 

• Do not point anything at the police. In fact, do not carry anything that you can point at the police - let's say nothing smaller than a car. If you're black, stay inside. This does not mean your door won't be broken down because someone can't read a warrant and they're in the wrong house; but if this happens, do not point so much as a spoon at them. Also, put your body over the dog. They shoot dogs. 

• If you have an urge for a 'deal' on a 16TB SSD, stop right now. There are a bunch on Amazon, with a ton of fake reviews. They've been tested to be 64GB microSD cards and some code that fools the computer into thinking it's 16TB. Amazon doesn't seem to care about the fake reviews.

It was late. I was tired and hungry. My patience, such as it was, was already in the negative numbers. So obviously, there was nothing to do but go to Walmart. I don't go to that place for many reasons, among them facial recognition, surveillance everywhere including the parking lot, and their steadfast refusal to hire cashiers. I haven't been there in a while, so I was surprised to see all the other businesses inside.. it was like its own city. Creepy surveillance city. With poorly-dressed (if dressed) customers. We had only gone for one errand, so I naturally headed for the car once it was over. Hahaha. very funny. Wife wanted to shop. This was not good. My back was already starting to complain, using short, very nasty words. I had to work hard to keep those words inside. It was then I noticed, after all these years, that Wife does not just shop. Wife runs a narrative.

Do you need any of these?

[a kind, fair question]

No.

[a succinct answer, not inviting further discussion, so we can MOVE ON to the next item]

I was thinking of getting some for my mom, who always complains she can't find them but maybe I'll wait til I go to CostCo. Yeah, Mom uses them a lot. My sister uses a lot of them too, but she lives kinda far away and has her own stores at which she can shop. Do you know what you want for dinner?

Look up. Do you see that huge display and sign "You're being watched"? This really annoys me. The condoms are locked behind glass, as is the shaving cream. My back is really starting to hurt. Can you just........ SHOP? I don't want to be rude, but this will all be over much faster if you shop with your hands and not your mouth. Not being stupid, I said this from the next row over.

Walmart also subscribes to lefty's Rules of Shopping: if I want it, they don't have it. Is Raisin Bran so incredibly popular they can't keep it in stock? Supply chain issues? Oh wait - here it is! Oops, that's Raisin Bran crunch. What kinda crap is this? If I wanted my Raisin Bran crunchy, I'd throw some potato chips in it. Whose brilliant idea was this. Wait - I think I see a box of real Raisin Bran in the back, behind the 40 cases of Crunch. I'm overdue for a box of Chocolate Frosted Flakes - nope. I knew not to bother trying to find Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows from Lucky Charms. Or perhaps that particular variety only lasted the 2 weeks I bought it. It was damn fine cereal. Certainly better than Deep Fried Chocolate Sugar Bits, my usual breakfast.

My back is getting worse by this time. I'm emitting sighs and moans, mostly of the unintentional variety. I attempted to make my point known a little better: "GODAMMIT, can we get out of this hell hole? If we don't leave soon, I'll have to go out on a stretcher." I didn't succeed in shopping faster, but it kept the narrative down to 5 minutes per aisle.

Then, the worst happened. We had to check out.

I hadn't seen their new setup. They took the 37 checkout aisles, left 2 checkers, and installed 123 self-checkout machines. I guess the Walton family couldn't afford to pay the humans. I refuse to use self-check; it's time consuming, broken, and I'd rather see a human (or whatever they hire to run the registers). Since there were exactly 2 checker lanes, both were backed up 27 people. I still would've waited, but Wife gave up and went to self-check. By the end, there was a stack of things the machine would not recognize. We left them there. I was already in the car, praying for ibuprofen, soda, or the sweet relief of death. 

So yeah, it wasn't a good night to go to Walmart, as if there were such a thing. Wife, being a bright lady, made a Command Decision: whenever there is shopping to be done, make sure I'm on the couch, with a beverage and snacks, laptop plugged in. If she's lucky, I won't even notice she's gone. She can then shop unmolested. She can carry on a complete conversation with the canned vegetables and they won't utter a word of complaint. On the bright side, it keeps other shoppers from interacting with her in any way. Sometimes, just to torture me, she calls while she's shopping, claiming she's calling to see if I need anything. The truth is that she just runs the narrative on the phone, so I still get stuck with it. Thank goodness phones have a speaker function, so I can put it down somewhere and do important stuff. I don't have to say much... just wait for any pauses and say "Um hmm. Great. Thanks." until she hangs up. It's a very subtle form of torture that even the United Nations won't talk about. 

I tried. Really. I behaved pretty well (for me) for the first hour or two. I just forgot that picking up 'a few things' usually takes hours and requires a front-end loader rental from U-Haul. 

Tesla staged 2016 self-driving demo, says senior Autopilot engineer

I like, or at least appreciate Musk. I don't know if he has psych issues, but I know I couldn't release a car that could kill people. The video was heavily edited. Once again: Not Ready for Prime Time. And like most of what I type, nobody listens. And now, back to The Cloud.

The UK wants to jail executives of companies who fail to protect kids online.

On its face, it looks good. You can pass any law you want if you say "It's for the children." One layer deeper, it becomes ridiculous. They go far out of their way to Nanny their citizens. Watching children is the job of the parents, not the state. We're big boys and girls. Nobody - NOBODY should censor the net. I'm sure the UK has a KILL switch for the net. I know the US does. If our friends in DC decide you don't need to know anything in an 'emergency', they hit the switch.

 On the other hand, it would be hilarious to see Lord Zuck hauled off to prison.

While we're on the UK's Nanny State, let's go to Canada!

In Canada, it should be Dry January all year round, according to new national recommendations that say zero alcohol is the only risk-free approach..

 Ok, they're technically correct and it's only a recommendation, but look how well it's working in the US. They claim any alcohol at all is bad for your health. I remember hearing that wine has (tanins?) something that's really good for you. Fortunately I don't live in Canada. I live in the good old USA, where alcohol, tobacco, and Big Pharma run things.

Stabbed to Death with a Plastic Spoon

Your love is like  sudden spurts of blood from any place on your body

There's a square blue packet, about 2" by 2", sitting next to me on the sofa. My heart skips a few thumps. That looks like a condom wrapper!  Same color!

Reminder: call the vision place and ask them to change the wrapper for their Lens Wipes. We don't need a problem here, plus you don't want to go putting that on your junk.

Today I identify as  a warrantless phone tap from AT&T's feed to the NSA

FBI reveals it uses CIA and NSA to spy on Americans         

Read it again. 

Clearly unconstitutional. Warrantless. This came from an FBI handbook

Surveillance against people not accused of any crimes.

Remember.... way back... 9-11... we were told the letter agencies weren't communicating.... 

It must've been a good night last night.

To start, Wife hurt the concrete in the basement, by hitting it with her head. I'm getting pretty good at patching concrete, but you can definitely see the places where I operated on it.  I explained that she needed to do something about this, as I don't have the time to keep mixing and patching; I'm a very busy guy, and my sofa gets upset if I'm not sitting on it. Then the dog gets upset if she's not sitting on me. As Head of Household, I have to see to it that everyone's needs get met.

I told Wife that the concrete should go to the hospital, to make sure there's no serious damage. She might want to go too, for fun. We haven't been there since the Great Pneumonia Party of 2022 and they miss us. In fact, the hospital and the shoe stores call to see how she's doing and when she'll come by again. The problem here is that I suggested going. Marital Theory dictates that The Husband is Always Wrong. It's automatic.

I think maybe we should go to the E/R.

Why?

Because of your failed attempt to fly down the steps and your inconsiderate attack on the concrete.

I'm ok.

I'm sure you are, but just in case.....

NO. I'm fine. Thick monkeys live in the Saharan Tropical Playground.

Huh?

I didn't say anything. I'm going to bed.

Hang on a sec - I'm not a doctor, but I've watched all the doctor shows on tv: you don't let a head wound person sleep.

Then I'll stay up.

Maybe just a CAT scan. The dog can come and we'll get a DOG scan.

I'M FINE.

Just one question: why are there cold cuts and soda in the oven?

I'M FINE!

Get some stuff together, we're going to the hospital.

NO. I just want to rest. I promise I won't go to sleep. Can you find my glasses?

Ah, here they are. Or parts of them. Look on the bright side - I found both of the lenses. Unfortunately, only half the frames. You can just hold them up, like opera glasses, and affect a snooty attitude. Pretend you have an iPhone.

I need to clean. I have a lot of chores.

Let me make sure I have this... you had to use 2 canes to get to bed, but you have chores. 

I feel better now.

Maybe you should wash all the blood off your head. I can't tell where it's coming from. The blood on the side seems to have coagulated into letters. Let me see.....  FSCK YOU. Ah, appropriate.

It's 9am, the next morning. I'm awakened by someone coming into the room and getting into bed. Ah, I think to myself... at least she's not dead and she remembers where the bedroom is.

------------------------------------------

She and I both know that, while I was politely insisting on a trip to the E/R, she thought it might be a good idea. Unfortunately because I am Husband, the answer is NO. I need to find a way past the marital mess. Perhaps next time it might go like this:

Are you ok?

Yeah, I hurt the basement again.

I only ask because you're dripping blood all over the floor.

Have you seen my glasses?

You're not going to like this, but I forbid you to go to the E/R.

Who TF do you think you are?

You cannot go and that's final.

Fsck you - I'm leaving NOW.

---------------------------------------------

Or maybe she calls her mother.....

It's 2 in the morning... are you ok?

Yeah, I just fell down the steps and hit my head.

That's terrible - what can I do?

You can give me the recipe for those delicious chocolate chip cookies you make.

Maybe you should go to the hospital.

Yeah, you're probably right. Bye.

Completely unrelated to concrete, I hope, is that Wife moved the trash bins around. Now I can't tell which is for trash and which is for recyclables. I have to stand there and think about it for a while, then hope I got the right one. If I ask her to put them back, I'll get The Look. Maybe I'll suggest we grab a crayon and label them.

Completely unrelated to trash, I hope, is garlic. We live on the stuff. Just the other day Wife was kind enough to reheat some pizza for me. I put on some garlic and, regardless of the fact that I didn't start eating and stopped to make her a sandwich, I could literally taste garlic. That's a new one, I thought. Wife said yes, she put garlic on the pizza when she heated it. Oh. Now there are two large applications of garlic on the pizza, which explains how I could taste it without taking a bite. After I almost finished the pizza, I brushed my teeth 4 times, drank a bottle of bourbon then a bottle of mouthwash, brushed my teeth again, showered twice, and in the morning I could still taste garlic. 

Where was I?

Oh yeah. I was heating up the last of the pizza and went to get the garlic. It wasn't with the spices. Then I looked where the other spices were. No luck. I tried by the front door. Nope. I finally gave up and asked her where the garlic was this week. On top of the fridge, of course. How could I be so dumb as to not look there for the garlic? 

It turns out I wasn't the only one aggravated by the Sudden Garlic Repositioning. As she walked by the fridge, both the garlic and the duck sauce (don't ask) jumped off the fridge right at her. She was, as they say in France, not amused.

Bless her, though... she never knows where her phone is, but she frequently remembers where the new location of Stuff is. She can lose entire days, but can shop without a list. She just has this ... need(?) to move or rearrange stuff. Thankfully we bought a car large enough that she can't park it in the house. Plus the 74 Camaro in the dining room takes up all the space.

I.R.S. Backlogs Continue as Republicans Mount Offensive

This has so many layers to it.

President Giveaway gave them $80 billion (under the Inflation Reduction Act). Billion, with a B. The republicans want to gut the funding. Interestingly, the article mentioned the cost to the deficit for rescinding the funding, but not the cost of the $80 billion. The IRS is a mess, and way behind. Their power is frightening. Libertarians want them shut down - it says so on the platform. The Fair Tax Act would abolish the IRS. Gee, the republicans seem to have borrowed something from the libertarians. Also remember that legislation names are the exact opposite: Fair Tax Act? Patriot Act? Inflation Reduction Act?

Lastly, the article has some interesting points on income-based discrimination. Let's just say that people with more zeroes in their income get audited less frequently.

The U.S. Can't Make Enough Plutonium Triggers for Its Nuclear Warheads

This is some Serious Stuff<tm>.  You caint blow stuff up if'n ya don't got no plunoneeyum. I'm sure that good ole boy from Delaware will send them some pocket money to git er dun. Maybe a few trillion fer the industry to make itself biggur. Imagine Murica without no plunoneeyum. The Russians and the Chinese are hiding under our beds!

Let's ignore the fact that we have enough stockpiled to obliterate the planet and send its remains hurtling into the sun. Ah kinda lahks thuh plainet round and in that there orbit.

Something like 20 years ago, I got tickets to a dual-headlining show with Stevie Ray Vaughan and Jeff Beck. They did their sets and came out at the end to jam. That night Jeff was under the weather and there was no jam. Sad, but I got to see my heroes. Now, 20 years later, one could say they're touring again. What's worse - dying from bacterial meningitis or driving a helicopter into a mountain? These and other questions perplex me. They sometimes keep me awake at night. Wife is tired of the 4am "GODDAMMIT - turn the chopper around and don't fly into that mountain!"

Women can be prosecuted for taking abortion pills, says Alabama attorney general

Saw this coming, but didn't think they were this stupid. Stupid me. But I feel this is ceaseless bluster; how would anyone know, unless your neighbors 'turned you in.' Alabama will soon lead the nation in women falling down steps. And incest.

We should send busloads of  illegal aliens to Alabama. No, wait, that's something else. We could send busloads of pregnant illegal aliens...

You. Own. You.  :repeat

My weather app... well.... I guess I check it because I'm either a eternally hopeful or a masochist. Or an idiot. It had clouds for the next day. And the next day. Wait - the next week. And rain. After swiping rapidly, we are not scheduled for sun for over 2 weeks.  I don't remember this from my childhood. I have to call the police and tell them to get ready, plus double the SWAT teams. Whereas extreme heat causes problems, so does the lack of sun. Oh yeah, if you don't already, take vitamin D, which, strangely, helps with not getting enough sun. Possibly with depression too. And it makes your pancreas jump up and down and sing. Ok, I made that up (about vitamin D and the sun). No, wait.... pancreas.

FDA vaccine advisers ‘disappointed’ and ‘angry’ that early data about new Covid-19 booster shot wasn’t presented for review last year

Hey, we're Big Pharma and if the government can't be bothered to give us lots of money, we can't be responsible for 'forgetting' to send the data to the FDA. We're very busy here. Covid, you know. COVID. PANIC! SHUT DOWN BUSINESSES! Don't worry about the man behind the curtain. COVID!

XBB.1.5: Still more questions than answers on risk of latest omicron subvariant

If nothing else, the CDC is consistent: we didn't know squat then, and we don't know squat now.

Swimming with Little Plastic Computer Speakers

 

Your love is like  Dolly Parton's breast-reduction surgery

I don't like to go out in the rain.

So when do you go out?

I don't. 

Today I identify as  Michele Obama

The Consumer Electronics Show just passed us by, and all we can say is Thank You.

• It's not bad enough there's a smart toilet. Worse, there's an app that analyzes urine (of course there is). While we're not entirely sure what a smart toilet is, we want nothing to do with it, or its urinalysis. Not covered in the manual is what happens if the entire family uses the bathroom. (Your son has his period, Mom has something on her penis, and the dog's pregnant)
• As if that weren't enough, there's a $200 coffee mug, with batteries and a heater to keep your beverage of choice warm. Because they don't sell Contigos on your planet? But wait!!!! If you buy now, the mug comes with Find my iPhone support. Yes, it's the first battery-powered mug that tracks your location!
• There is a $699 cutting board. It sneaks around at night and reports on where you keep your valuables. No, not really.... it just has a screen attached to it, so you can watch cooking videos (or pr0n) while you chop. Be careful, though.... one wrong CHOP and it's another $699.
• A printer that will print eyebrows on your face. This follows up facial airbrushes. The airbrushes and auto airbrushes use the same paint, to save on costs and provide greater value. It's especially convenient if you want to paint your face Seafoam Green (and you know it's gonna happen). Much like your car, it requires a coat of primer first.
• The $2499 telescope that can determine what it's looking at (stars, not body parts) and send a picture to Instagram. Unfortunately it cannot be operated by humans: no eyepiece or viewfinder.

Moderna CEO: 400% price hike on COVID vaccine “consistent with the value”

When asked, the CEO said "Well, since we're not getting any more tax dollars, we have to feed our children somehow..." 

But when you do this, every other drug company will follow you.

They have to feed their families too: this is not collusion nor is it price-fixing.

Last we checked, your children all had butlers, mansions, Ferraris, and personal cooks. 

Would you deny your children the little things?

They each have their own stock exchange.

So?

It's located in their own states.

What are you insinuating?

I'm insinuating nothing. I'm directly stating that your naked greed is harming the country.

But what about the children? 

They have bathtubs full of $1,000 bills.

Yes, they keep the small currencies at home. The larger ones are in their banks.

How can you sell the vaccines for $19 everywhere else, but $130 here? 

Ah, that's easy. We're by far the largest contributors to Congressional funds. Congressmen don't own their own yachts, so we treat them to small vacations with hookers and blow. They work hard; they should play hard too. Do you know that Congress put in an average of 2 days per week last year? It's unprecedented. How else will they fill their slush funds re-election coffers? We perform a needed service. Then when they retire, we employ them as 'consultants'. It's a win for everyone.

Except the taxpayers.

Well, yes. There wouldn't be any winners if there weren't any losers. 

Do what we say, not what we do

A fifth of passwords used by federal agency cracked in security audit

CYBER: Hacking Digital License Plates

you know... plates with chips in them, so you can be identified quicker and easier... so you can do your civic duty by paying city and state fines.

• I think it rains for fun here.

New imaging finds trigger for massive global warming 56 million years ago

I don't have an opinion on global warming. Haven't bothered studying it, largely because my brain can only deal with so much study and this isn't my field. Might be worth a read for all of us.  It could have been aliens, but the jury's still out.

Conversations with my dog 

Me: I noticed you always sleep in our bed.

Her: So do you.

Me: It's my bed.

Her: Well, you want to sleep where it's very comfortable for you. So do I.

Me: Can you at least give back the Sleep Number remote control? And my pillow?

New UFO report shows hundreds more incidents than previously thought

Speaking of aliens.. or maybe not.

More than previously thought? C'mon. I know they think we're idiots, but this?

Perhaps the fact that it's being released is significant.

The reason that the number of reports with the military involved is rising is because they're no longer terrified they'll be laughed at or dismissed. OR that more of the incidents are finally allowed to be reported. All branches of the military, especially the Navy and Air Force, have come in contact with UAPs. On Christmas, NORAD tracks Santa. NORAD also tracks anything coming over the horizon, and has had UFO  reports on file for who knows how many years. Whoever runs NORAD knows where the reports are or where they go to. The Men in Black are not fictitious. They may be part of the group that collects the UAP reports from military bases. 

Again: none of this is new information. "We" have been collecting it since at least 1941, most likely before. Do you think Roswell just happened and the army never bothered to document it? It would be silly to think all this is new. The only thing that's new is the expansion of government agencies and some more information being allowed out.

Disagree? Leave a comment, with your reasoning.

Americans Rank Congressmen Lower Than Journalists and Car Salesmen for Honesty and Ethical Standards

Hey - there are 1 or 2 good journalists.

It's just amazing that Americans took so long to come to this conclusion. There will be no action on this until Congressmen are ranked lower than cell phone providers and cable companies.

New Zealand Supreme Court rules voting age of 18 is discriminatory

The case was brought by a group called Make it 16, with obvious intent.

Good God, can you imagine making the voting age 16 in the US? There are many who argue the age should be raised. After a great amount of thought (typing takes time) I think 18 is ok, but not if you're in college. If you're in college, you have to wait til you graduate (or stop going). College does something to your brain that shouldn't be foisted upon the country. Come to think of it, do you want most of the people around you voting?

Politico Reporter Exits After Tweet Slamming Pope Benedict as ‘Pedophile Protector and Hitler Youth Alumnus’

Wait, let me see if I understand this.

Pope was in Hitler Youth

Pope protected pedophiles

Politico reporter tweets this

Shitstorm ensues

Reporter leaves Politico

In America, we can't have reporters reporting the truth.

If there were a hell, I hope the ex-pope is there, in a loving relationship with Satan

He ruined lives.

Another One Bites the Dust

 

RIP David Crosby (81), "after a long illness"

2023 isn't starting out well.

Amber Alert: Missing Aardvarks

Your love is like  liver. raw liver

No, really, I saw him on tv: he was black, with a swastika tattooed on his cheek. Maybe he was suicidal?

Today I identify as  a model with Golden Globes

RIP also Lisa Marie Presley (54)

There was no way she was going to have a normal life.

I know Amazon Privacy is an oxymoron, like Microsoft Safety, but here's a guide to some speaker privacy feature(s).

[Monday]

We need to make a shopping list.

Not again.

What do we need?

Soda, candy, pizza - the 3 food groups. It's so hard to remember anything else...

Ok, I'm writing it down.

[Wednesday]

I'm going shopping today - what do we need? I'm making a list.

Consult the list we made Monday.

Just tell me what you need.

Where's the other list?

I put it somewhere.

.... and you don't know where.

Do you want me to go shopping or not?

[Monday]

Do we need anything at the store?

Yes.

What? I'm making a list.

Will it go next to the 2 other lists?

I don't know. Maybe they're in the car. What do you want?

Make sure you hold onto this one. I'd hate for it to disappear before you reach the store. Oh, get some dog food - she's looking a little thin.

We've been out of it for a week so I've been feeding her hoagies.

How many electric car chargers is enough?

In March 2021, US President Joe Biden set a goal of adding half a million new EV charging stations by 2030. In 2022, President Biden followed up with a $5 billion plan to build DC fast chargers along the interstate highway network,

There is no project too big that President Giveway won't use your money for.

The money won't be spent on a federally owned and operated charging network; instead, it will be disbursed to the states to be spent by their departments of transportation.

What could possibly go wrong? 

An additional $2.5 billion will be made available through discretionary grants to build charging infrastructure in rural and underserved areas.

Of course there will be. 

He'll obviously be re-elected (not that we can afford this term) #Impeach

Flaming USB battery halts flight from Taiwan to Singapore

I don't want to say conspiracy, but someone should ask Musk where he was when the plane boarded.

 

Supermodel Tatjana Patitz dies at 56

This has been somewhat overshadowed by Jeff Beck's passing, but we must note it because any loss of a supermodel is sad and newsworthy.

I don't like to brag, but every now and then I perform some act that totally blows my mind....

We bought a new trash can for the kitchen, with some weird lid that wouldn't assemble and a high tech  system to keep the bag in and not falling in the can. It was so high tech that Wife had to perform Bag Duty because it didn't make sense to me. Just last night I managed to get the bag in correctly and it stayed there. I felt like The Man. I had accomplished something big, like finishing a book on quantum mechanics and understanding it. Like getting on a ladder outside and performing some kind of House Thing. Like designing and finishing an entire room. Like a task on the International Space Station.

This is another reason I don't brag.

Another thing to brag about is my extreme capabilities with the blog. Just this morning, I managed to completely delete everything I had in this post. Sorry - it may not be the same.  It also might be the fault of the fscking laptop. Each day brings another problem. Lately it's the Trackpad Nightmare, where the cursor jumps all over the place, just yesterday from the bottom to the top of a blog post. It randomly selects entire paragraphs and deletes them. Of course when I want to select entire paragraphs, it stops midway through or doesn't select the last letter. I should be happy - at least the keyboard works this week. Last night I lost an hour because the trackpad, which causes migraines, stopped working entirely. Ever try to use a computer with only the keyboard? You have to recall long-forgotten key combinations.

After spending a nice guitar on this thing, I am going to relegate it to Backup Laptop. For my health. Health? Yes, it sends my blood pressure through the roof and scares the dog. Since I had to pay double ransom to a county and the state on my car, the New Laptop Fund has been drained. Eventually I'm going to buy a used one and use it as my main laptop. Even though I have a real hot rod, only 2 years old, that just had all the plastic and display repaired.  I'm just too young to die. Wife won't kill me til the insurance is at a sufficient amount, so I need to eliminate Laptop Stress too. Even though this blog is the story of one man's descent into madness, I'd prefer the descent to be natural, not laptop-induced. 

Speaking of descent, some of the stuff happening lately would be really funny if it were happening to someone else. Someone a lot older. 

Me internally: I need to pick up the guitar and play some Hendrix

Me to Wife: I need to pick up the guitar and play some..... some... DAMMIT, it was just here.

lefty- who was that guitar player in Thin Lizzy then solo? Irish guy.

Oh, that was....  I used to be a classic rock encyclopedia. I can even see his face.

2:00am: GARY MOORE!

I gotta get some cereal and coffee. Make coffee. Pour cereal. Walk away with only cereal.

I'm not old enough for this shit. The only dementia I need is people telling me I'm demented. You know, in a good way.

Apple has promised to enhance disclosures about why it expels certain apps from its App Store, following claims that the tech giant’s secretive decision-making process threatens freedom of expression in countries such as China and Russia.

Huh? Freedom of expression in China and Russia? They forgot North Korea and Iran.

Natives in Tech, a US-based non-profit organization, has called upon the Apache Software Foundation (ASF) to change its name, out of respect for indigenous American peoples

Because they want to be positive, they included some suggestions for a new name: Spic, Wop, Nigger, Mik, Kike, and Google.

In unrelated news, Natives in Riding, a US-based non-profit organization, has called upon Indian Chief motorcycles to change its name, out of respect for indigenous American peoples

• Since Indian Chief went out of business in 1953, Natives in Tech demanded all of the bikes they produced be found or dug up and renamed.

Also on the chopping block was anything to do with horses, braids, feathers, arrows, fire water, fire, and black hair.

Australia politician Dominic Perrottet wore Nazi uniform at his 21st birthday party

He has gone on a National Apology Tour, explaining how sorry he is about his insensitivity at the party, 20 years ago. It has also come out that at age 5, he used the derogatory term 'Indians,' instead of Native Americans. His insensitivity continued unabated when, at age 12, he said that Kangaroos came from Israel and there are no poisonous fauna in Australia. At age 13, he wrote an essay entitled "Why Koalas Suck".   How did this guy get into office? 

Team Trans: The 'life-saving' ice hockey team backed by the NHL

It's certainly nice that they are doing their own thing. Odd that they aren't demanding to be on an NHL team. "I like that this is separate." Oh yeah, they are going to be denied admission to the SJW club.

There are certainly many advantages to playing on a trans team:

• very little spent on cups
• you're not allowed to call anyone a dick
• many personal days off for surgeries
• insurance covers hormones
• no periods - in the game or the players
• team stylist travels with them
• uniforms are unisex

The only thing I can't get my head around is what 2 trans lesbians together look like.

Sadly, they don't advertise where they're playing, for fear of harm.

ThermionicEmissions sends best wishes and good health to First Lady Jill Biden, who just had a cancerous lesion removed. Out of respect, I am not going to suggest it was Joe.

President Giveaway's classified documents were found at the Penn Biden Center in November, but somehow we only found out about them recently.

The 2nd batch (yes, Virginia, there's a 2nd batch) was found at an office he used after he was VP.

When asked for comment, Biden said "I don't remember that. I don't remember much of anything. I'm very old, but not old enough to be denied a 2nd term. Do I get ice cream now?"

Biden shows Camila he can get down and get funky

It Feels Like 12 Months Since Last January

 

Your love is like   the scene of a multiple murder

She had a butter body - everything was hot butter body

Today I identify as   AI.  I'm the most popular thing in the world right now! A corporate buzzword for years to come.

Reactions to Jeff Beck's passing: the rock world mourns

The tributes are stunning, and from people you might not expect. When David Gilmour (Pink Floyd) refers to Beck as his idol.... I wonder if Jeff knew....   

Hey Jug Ears... you... King person... it's time for another Sir, albeit posthumously.

Upon reading the tributes, I discovered that many of the famous rockers were Sirs. This will obviously cause a backlash, where it isn't cool to be a Sir. It will be like punk rock all over again (without the noise).

Our single rock station literally had its request lines blown out and had to give out a new number. People were all wanting to hear Jeff Beck songs. The DJ said he had never seen anything like this before. Local musicians were talking about how influential he was.  Gee guys - maybe you shoulda played his music while he was alive...   

I wonder if he would have cared. Like the late great Frank Zappa, he did it his way. No thought to commercial appeal, he just did what he did. If you read the load of social media tributes, it's positively over the top. Everybody loved him, both personally and musically.  He was the guitar player's guitar player. And following his muse, he managed to influence so many players and other musicians. Also like Zappa, we shall never see the likes of him again. 

When the CD revolution started, I saved for a player. My first CD was, of course, Blow by Blow. If you could wear a CD out, I did. He was such a part of my life from high school through today. Whenever I wasn't doing anything, my mind would play Freeway Jam a lot. Then whatever other JB song it wanted. Led Boots was another favorite, as was Definitely Maybe. I could hear all the parts and imagine myself playing it. I am by no means special - I'm just one of his many fans. It's startling to see how many there are, as they come out of the woodwork to pay tribute. If social media existed at the time, it would be like when Jimi Hendrix died. Apparently Jimi said Jeff was the greatest living guitarist.

Whenever he toured, we were there, no matter what the cost or anything else that was happening. Mrs. lefty is not a musician and by no means did I drag her along; when he toured, it was understood I was to purchase two tickets. When an instrumental guitarist speaks like that to non-musicians, you know there's something special going on.  We saw him recently on the 18 tour, with Johnny Depp (covered elsewhere). There is nothing wrong with Mr. Depp, but I prefer my Jeff Beck in his pure, unadulterated state. I wonder if Jeff laughed at the screaming, fainting, and fawning over Johnny. The Depp-o-philes stood the entire time he was onstage, then sat when Jeff played.

If you're interested in what everybody's talking about, get some of his records. If you're undecided, YouTube has a ton of videos and entire albums. Jimi and Jeff were always my favorites and always will be. I don't settle, you shouldn't either.

I have to admit it's been kinda sad and subdued at ThermionicMansion. I've been listening since about the 80s, almost daily. The music remains, but the man doesn't. We won't get more and won't see him in concert. No more weird collaborations or wacky left turns. No more dropped jaws and HOW DOES HE DO THAT? The chances of getting my guitar signed have dropped considerably. As bad as we all feel, it can't compare to the loss his poor wife must be feeling.

In the larger sense, we're in trouble. We're watching our heroes leave the stage for the last time. Rock has officially gotten old. Some of them have gray hair (shock!). Some are in their late 70s. As if that weren't bad enough, think what we'll be left with...

Tell people how you feel about them, preferably the positive things, while they're alive; it can make all the difference in the world. 

The master has left the building.

Air India embarrassed by urination scandal

Some drunk took a whiz on a female passenger and the airline owner feels 'anguish'? Unless he held the guy's apparatus and drunkenly urged him on, I can't see the need for anguish or blame. 

Strangely, the urinator was fired from his gig at Wells Fargo.

His target was a 72 year old lady, (who had never seen a penis before) and referred to this as the most "traumatic" experience of her life.  I think she needs to get out more.

(Director) Sam Mendes: Gender-neutral Oscars 'inevitable'

We coulda told you that. 0.2% of the public thought it was a good idea, so the other 99.8% can shove it. 

What would it look like?

The Oscar for best actor/actress/gender fluid/somewhere on the spectrum is Binkey Cohen, for "Wild Wild, but Culturally Sensitive West"

The Oscar for best Female with a penis goes to Whoopie Goldberg, for "Brother Act - Now Even Bigger"

The Oscar for best male to female transsexual person with a prosthetic penis goes to Oprah Winfrey, for "Owning All the TV Networks, Pt 2 - the Tax Deductions"

Of course it would only take one award show to get out the other underrepresented minorities, demanding the Oscars be more inclusive. And Neuro-divergent. Personally I want to see all the Oscars go to people with 2 left feet and an inverted middle nipple.

Worshippers in Tokyo plunge into ice bath to mark new year

The tradition goes back 68 years. 

In case you find this particularly without sense, worshippers in Indonesia plunge into a fire bath.

Worshippers in Mexico leap into random gunfire.

Worshippers in Brazil leap onto one of the many huge butts available.

Worshippers in Guatemala leap into a pool of acid.

Worshippers in America give huge amounts of money to frauds.

and worshippers in the former Rhodesia leap into huge piles of poo.

Saturday night in the Silicon Valley city of San Jose, the assistant police chief tweeted out praise for their recently-upgraded Automatic License Plate Readers: Officers in Air3 [police helicopter], monitoring the ALPR system, got alerted to 3 stolen cars. They directed ground units to the cars. All 3 drivers in custody! No dangerous vehicle pursuits occurred, nor were they needed.

Do you have any idea what a helicopter costs? What routine maintenance and fuel cost? 

Otoh, cars have locators in them these days. Even bloggers know locators are cheaper than helicopters.

Some context: The San Jose Spotlight (a nonprofit local news site) noted that prior to last year license plate readers had been mounted exclusively on police patrol cars (and in use since 2006). But last year the San Jose Police Department launched a new "pilot program" with four cameras mounted at a busy intersection, that "captured nearly 300,000 plate scans in just the last month, according to city data."

The readers weren't enough? Does this make anyone feel there's a privacy issue? 

the city made it clear the data is only shared with trained police officers and certain city staff, no out-of-state or federal agencies.  

The city officials did a wonderful job of not cracking up while saying this.

The San Jose City Council unanimously approved a policy Tuesday that formally bans the police department from selling any license plate data, using that information for investigating a person's immigration status or for monitoring legally protected activities like protests or rallies.

Hahahahaha. Oh. Sorry.  They promise not to do anything even close to that.  As sure as there are taxes, if there is equipment that happens to do something bad, rest assured it will. Soon.

Interesting that the Council is more concerned with illegal aliens than their own taxpayers..

The ACLU is against it. Other groups say the data retention should be cut down from 1 year. That's not much of a tough stance, is it, NAACP, Asian Law Alliance?

An EFF position paper argues that "ALPR data is gathered indiscriminately, collecting information on millions of ordinary people."  

And that, people, is the main point. It's just like Faceyspaces following you all over the web, only this is dangerous and expensive, brought in under the guise of 'fighting crime.'

Microsoft’s new AI can simulate anyone’s voice with 3 seconds of audio

Demands you use voice recognition in Windows

The guy that wrote the weather app for my phone saved $50 by only having to license the cloud graphic, not the sun graphic too.

If you live in Pittsburgh, PA, you might have gotten a letter that your medical debt has been nullified. This came from a decision by the City Council. Naturally it was backed by President Giveaway's trillion dollar American Rescue Plan. 

#Impeach   Say what you want about Trump, but he didn't take a tremendous bite out of your income via giveaways and taxes. If we had a libertarian, we wouldn't be in the shape we're in at all. The IRS would be shut down, unlike Biden's Billions to expand it (and every other part of government).  #Impeach 

Classified files found at Biden's former private office

But Trump.... but Trump...

When asked about the files, Biden replied "Where's my damn lollypop - I'm the vice president, ferchrissake"

• TIP: If you're going to have an affair at work, try not to do it in your home office

Conversations with my dog  

Me: Why do you stand there and bark when one of your toys is out of reach?

Her: So you'll get it.

Me: I'm glad we have these conversations.

Startup Uses AI Chatbot to Provide Mental Health Counseling and Then Realizes It 'Feels Weird'

Good news: it always shows up and is never late.

Bad news: it's a friggin machine

Good news: it costs nothing

Bad news: it knows nothing

Good news: it doesn't consume coffee

Bad news: it must be the spawn of Satan

Good news: it's very personable

Bad news: last month, it suggested 2 patients jump off a cliff

Good news: it can be male or female

Bad news: republicans won't talk to it

Good news: it can serve 2 people at the same time

Bad news: they both overdosed on heroin and drain cleaner

In this small barbershop in Ypsilanti, Michigan, kids pick out a book and head to the chair. It’s like clockwork. That’s because children 12 and under who visit The Fuller Cut can get a $2 discount on their $11 haircut for doing a simple task: reading to the barber.

 These men have done in 2 years what the entire public school system hasn't done in 50. BRAVO on a job well done, from the heart.

• Kaley Cuoco has gone on the 9 month rapid weight-gain plan (she's pregnant). Dear Mrs. lefty: I didn't do it. I always use protection when I'm with a star.

Intercourse the Penguin

Your love is like   electing a House speaker

You can now order drone delivery from Walmart, provided you live within 1 mile of a participating store. 

And miss all those interestingly-dressed customers in the world's greatest sociology experiment? No way, buddy.

Today I identify as   a Tesla, in which the auto-drive works. (just kidding, there is no such thing)

To the people stopping by from other countries: Thanks.  To the people stopping by from the US: Thanks. 

Today's best pr0n title:  Slut Inspection

Porsche Lynn!

YES SIR!

Where are your implants?

HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY YET, SIR 

What kind of a slut doesn't have boob implants?

A BAD SLUT, SIR 

You know what happens to bad sluts.

YESSIR. THEY GET PUNISHED. PUNISH ME, SIR!

And furthermore, you were atrocious in Sisters Love Their Stepmoms. You were far from authentic.

SIR, I'M NOT A RUG-FACE. I DON'T LIKE P*SSY..

What kind of a slut doesn't like p*ssy?  Go to the back of the line.

Angel Haze!

YES SIR! 

You make enough to get first class implants. Your nipples look out in different directions.

I WILL CORRECT THAT SIR, WHEN I GET BIGGER ONES 

Very good. Now, I see you have very little acne.

YES SIR.

Haze, acne indicates drug use. You have precious little of it. Think of your fans...

SORRY, SIR.

Don't be sorry - get on the ball! The 8 ball.

YES SIR 

Mercedes Porsche!

YESSIR! 

Look at you. It's a jungle down there.

I'VE BEEN VERY BUSY LATELY.

What kind of excuse is that? You're a big star and you look like you time traveled to the 1970s.

SORRY SIR. I WILL DO BETTER. 

I also understand you've only been with 47 guys this month.

[hangs head] YES SIR. 

What kind of a slut is with only 47 guys?

Ladies, you have 7 days to fix this shit and look like proper sluts. You signed an oath!

Yes SIR! 

Abortion pills can now be sold at pharmacies, FDA rules

Prediction: not in the states with the rabid religionoids in office

So we know my laptop came back from service ostensibly working, then the keyboard and some other stuff failed. We know that this stuff is waaay above my pay grade. I can usually fix stuff, but this is way down into the operating system, possibly past the driver level. Ever see those huge Microsoft ergonomic keyboards? I had to keep one connected to the laptop so I could type over the weekend. I just didn't have it in me to mess around with the laptop further. I always said I wanted a laptop with an ergo keyboard, and the universe apparently responded. Perhaps I should have been more specific. 

However, I did not ask for car trouble, or even anything that looked like car trouble. There was no possible misunderstanding. Ya know that sound... it's like when you have few bodies in the trunk and they're rolling around, banging into the trunk sides and lid? It sounded like that. It turns out it wasn't the bodies - it was the struts. Or it was the struts and the bodies; our garage only deals with the mechanical side of noises. Why do all of the mechanic's calls start with "Are you sitting down?"

The Dark Spirits or poltergeists are in hysterics. Next week, I'm having a few guests: an exorcist, some faith healers, a televangelist (who will lay hands on the front door), a gypsy, a satanist rabbi, and this Haitian dude, complete with dead chickens. Somebody from the Unitarian church, who may or may not believe in spirits, and some Baptists, who will sing and dance at or in the house. If any of this fails, we're summoning Pope John Paul George and Ringo.

UPDATE: I spent an hour last night, trying to repair my errant laptop. I was in uncharted territory. I had absolutely no idea where I was going.... I was deep into the Matrix, without tight, shiny clothes. I am not intimidated at all, which most people call Stupid. In the end, I failed to succeed. It is one of my more endearing traits. At the end of an unproductive, murderously annoying day, I sat and read something. As I'm nearing the end, the entire laptop goes POOF and shuts down. No, it wasn't me. There was no power because someone had knocked out the power plug and didn't notice it (that would be me, and there was nobody around to blame it on). I decided to take this quietly and only woke up half the neighborhood, at 1am. 

This morning, I stumbled into the office, somehow managed not to knock anything to the ground (like yesterday, when I sent a 24" monitor flying at the ground) and plugged everything in. And without so much as a POOF, the keyboard worked.  Perhaps threatening to have the exorcists and the pope by threw a monkey wrench into the plans of the Dark Spirits and a few of them packed their ethereal bags and moved out. Perhaps its my new not-showering thing. Or they're tired of hearing the dog bark at them (other dogs attack or run away - mine stands there BARKING until we do something). So I'm not going to look a gift whore in the mouth.

Q. How do you guarantee rain?

A1. leave a car window open

A2. move to this area

Man’s eyes turn bloody, yellow after plunge into pee-filled canal

Geez, who coulda seen that coming...

Black man wrongfully jailed for a week after face recognition error, report says

The fact that facial recognition has a lot of trouble with black people is widely known. Yet it's used. Then the guy gets stuck in jail for a week? He was let go and all charges dropped, but he shouldn't have been there in the first place.

14 rounds of voting for House Speaker, 1 Congressman had to be physically restrained

Asshats - the lot of them. How did these idiots get into office? Oops, they were voted in.

The funniest part was someone nominating Trump for Speaker. I love to watch things burn... 

These male spiders catapult away to avoid being cannibalized after sex

We know that only female mosquitoes bite. And certain female spiders eat their mate after sex. We already knew females of any species are smart and highly dangerous.

The spiders use hydraulic pressure to extend leg joints and launch to safety.  Males of the species homo (formerly) erectus will need a compressor by the bed and a long (ahem) hose. Or wind up with repetitive stress injuries.

 

Chick-fil-A investigates reports of hacked customer accounts

They were hacked on a Sunday, when all their stores were closed. 

There are Chik Filet accounts? 

Ok, I lamented purchasing slippers because only old people wear slippers, not cool d00ds like me. Unfortunately, some wag gifted me a nose hair trimmer. I'm really stuck here, because as you know, I braid my nose hair and am headed for the 2043 Olympics Nose Hair Games. But if I don't use it, the gifter will be upset. I'll see if Dog wants it.

Pornhub requires ID from Louisiana users to comply with state’s new porn law

Let's pretend, for the purposed of pretending, that the first word in the above title is IBM, and the last words are 'computer law.'  You know me... I don't believe the state has any business messing with businesses. We know the whole law is being driven by the Rabid Religionoids, who have a high speed Pr0nhub feed already. The ones who are having sex with the very homosexuals they preach against. 

Mostly, I want any state or country to keep hands off the internet. We've done very well so far. If the little buggers are looking up body parts, and this is somehow a problem, perhaps their parents should start to parent and not leave it to the state to cover their shortfalls.  I'm not suggesting that kids should visit these sites (although they replace the Playboy in Dad's drawer in olden times).

Under the current hands-on policies, it's kinda funny when other countries DEMAND that Faceyspaces or Twitter censor people saying Bad Stuff<tm> or they're going to sue. Even better, 

 "Apple Fined $8.5 Million for Illegally Collecting iPhone Owners' Data for Ads".  Oopsie, Apple prides itself on being the privacy champion of phones. Don't be an iHole.

In any case, hands off. You no like, you no visit. 

Also- the human body is not 'bad' or shameful or dirty, except when our parents and religion cause it to be so. Your parents fsck, or you wouldn't be here to discuss this.

Conversations with my dog 

Me: Mommy said you slept across my neck last night.

Her: Yes, I do that every night

Me: Why?

Her: Because you're comfortable, dummy. And you say *I'm* the stupid one.

Perseverance rover drops off first sample tube on surface of Mars

Instructions say Martians are to fill it up and put it back on the rover for analysis. 

FDA approves new Alzheimer’s treatment despite risks, unclear benefits

In completely unrelated news, Big Pharma is the hugest donor to politicians.

Now leave, or I shall taunt you a second time

Jeff Beck

 This is so sad....

Jeff Beck (78) died of bacterial meningitis.

Don McLean sings "The day the guitar died"

Jeff is simply one of the best guitarists ever. He constantly kept things interesting by going in unexpected directions, like classical, Johnny Depp, the 2 ladies he found in a local pub..  He always had a variety of players onstage, including a lot of women, who got the gig with their talent. A few albums included Jan Hammer, formerly of the Mahavishnu Orchestra. Jan went on to do music for Don Johnson's show, set in Florida.

Early Jeff Beck came via the Yardbirds, which also gave us Jimmy Page and Eric Clapton.

Next was the Jeff Beck Group, with a little known, spiky-haired singer who was so nervous, he hid backstage. You know him as Rod Stewart.

The next Jeff Beck Group was a 5 man talented bunch, with Cozy Powell on drums. They ran 2 albums, 

Then BBA - Beck Bogert Appice, a power trio that also didn't last long.

then Jeff was largely solo. Only he preferred tinkering with his hot rods, like Billy Gibbons, to touring, I believe they were good friends, playing together a lot live and Jeff appeared on an album. He and Rod got together every now and then. I think they were planning something soon.

He had a rockabilly phase and tour.

The solo albums were incredible, with different ideas, and just got better as Jeff got older.

Listen to my favorite album, Blow by Blow   - Stevie Wonder appears, uncredited, produced by George Martin (the Beatles)

My favorite song, also from Blow by Blow - Cause We Ended as Lovers (by Stevie Wonder)

Look on YouTube for Live at Ronnie Scott's. An incredible appearance in a small club. Jimmy Page does a walk-on. At one point you can see Robert Plant in the audience.

When Jimi Hendrix first came to England, he started playing at clubs, generating a reputation for being a wild man on the guitar. The Beatles, The Stones, Eric Clapton, and Jeff all went to see him, scared from what they heard about him. They were the Big Guns. They left wide-eyed.

Nothing to worry about, Jeff.

GODDAMMIT  they were my heroes. I learned most of their songs. I performed Hendrix songs in my first high school bands. I spent a lot of time trying to get Jeff's lyricism and bent note phrasing. It was never going to happen, but I had fun. He inspired so many musicians, starting in the early 60s. I tried to get him to sign my #1 guitar, but he's pretty reclusive after concerts. I even called the concert's sponsor.

At least we still have his music. Eight Grammys, from when a Grammy wasn't decided by deaf people. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with the Yardbirds and solo, back before Donna Summer, Eminem, and Tupac were inducted.

RIP, Lord of the Strings