Dark Web, Damp Web, Dingy Web - Why Bother?

Two more dead as patients report horrifying details of eye drop outbreak

Don't use the eye drops in the article. I can't afford to lose any readers.

Give them to somebody you don't like.

Your love is like  skunk soup

I just read something that mentioned 'airplane position.' It bothers me. Have you ever heard of this before? I put some thought into it..

• You both show up in bed, but sex is canceled
• You know it's going to be a bad night because you're on Standby
• the bed is way too small and your body was not made to go in that position
• it just costs too much
• You're at the gate but it keeps getting postponed
• it just won't take off

Today I identify as  the NSA, CIA, and Illuminati's favorite blogger

• I have a brand new nose hair trimmer  - why am I still yanking them out one at a time? 
• I prefer braiding them

Wife watched the Oscars. I tried to dissuade her, but she said they were sometimes exciting.

She's right - they were so exciting they put together a security team in case of anymore Advanced Slapping Incidents. I was going to put a tv remote app on my phone, so I could keep turning the tv off, but marriage is a push-pull, giving and receiving, unholy war, so I have to lose sometimes. Most of the time, actually. It is written that marriage is 50/50. It's more like 89/11 in favor of the partner with breasts (don't ask about same sex relationships - I'm on a roll now). Stated another way, it's the Power of the P*ssy. They have it, you want it; it's really that simple. Women want to be equal. In many cases they want to be more equal. They want to have their cake and eat it too. Me, I say let them have their cake - I want to eat it. 

So there's no way in hell the Oscars are leaving the house. Wife was kind enough to mute the audio a lot and use closed captioning. See? Marriages ARE 89/11.. errr.... 50/50. My seat was specifically chosen so as not to be able to see the tv without finding a different chair.  This, however, did nothing to stop the audio. I didn't think it would happen so quickly, but the monologue included 'diversity' before the 5 minute mark. This explains the neighbors. They were playing the Oscar Drinking Game. Whenever anyone said 'diversity,' they all had to yell DIVERSITY and do a shot. Within 15 minutes an ambulance pulled up.  I didn't know alcohol poisoning was a real thing. We promised to watch their dog for them.

That's about as far as I got. I learned Jimmy Kimmel isn't funny, although I think I already knew that. Then Wife would jump up and down, telling me LOOK AT THAT!  It was invariably an attractive female star, wearing a dress wide open up top, and everyone could see a third of her boobies. Normally this would be cause for great celebration, but in Wife's own words, "I can't concentrate on what she's saying - all I can see is that her breasts are not the same size by a lot!" She was right. And it wasn't just one of them. Doesn't anybody have a trusted person in their entourage who can stop them and say, "Mrs. Langoria, Eve... we've known each other for 25 years and you know I never lie. Come stand in front of this mirror with me a second. Does anything look.... uneven? Asymmetrical? Out of balance? I've watched you dress hundreds of times and I know they're both the same size. Why does one look so much smaller than the other? Get some tape and even those babies up. You can't walk out in front of millions of people with 2 different cup sizes hanging out of your dress." Oh, I forgot. entourages are made up of yes men and women. If someone said that to Mariah Carey, they'd be on the next Amazon space shuttle, with instructions to let her out at the highest point of the journey. Either that, or Mariah would sing one of those notes so high it would crack her skull.

Speaking of Mariah Carey, I was at a record shop and saw an old poster of her. It was before her 2nd face and implants, before she went off the rails. I was in love again. I remember that poster - huge hair, black dress, that face. The woman was gorgeous. It's a shame she messed with perfection (and went off the rails).

I promise you that when I'm famous, nothing will change. I already scream, make objects airborne, and throw legendary fits. I'm almost like a rock star now. Why change?   I'll even keep up the blog. Being a rock star, I'll probably go from 6 followers to.. like.... 8! I'll become really big in some country I've never been to. My manager will tell me I'm HUGE in Malaysia. Malaysia? I asked actual Malaysians what the correct slur for Malaysians was and no one could tell me. I refuse to go to a country that doesn't even have their own slur.

Everybody's so different, I haven't changed.

-Joe Walsh, "Life's Been Good" 

TikTok users are aware of the Chinese ownership flap, but they don't care. They're going to use it anyway.

We are a nation of morons.

Another new tv series: "Help, I'm in a Secret Relationship." 

Not anymore.

President Giveaway is at it again, although the giveaway this time is not financial, it's our rights.

Biden issues executive order on background checks

Since Congress wouldn't do anything, he made law by executive fiat, like his predecessors.

It aims to move the US "as close to universal background checks as possible without additional legislation".

Since they can't outlaw guns, they're doing it by increments. We have a Constitutional right to bear arms. These people have no business messing with it, yet we sit for it. This time it's the democrats. President Giveaway called for a ban on assault weapons (except for his enforcers), but Congress won't pass it, specifically because of a republican-controlled House.

We need better crash test dummies, says Government Accountability Office

Congress isn't doing anything useful - give them a call.

A man who racially abused Brentford striker Ivan Toney on social media has been banned from every football ground in the United Kingdom for three years.

That's right, in the good old UK, a man said something offensive on social media and is now in Deep Doody.

Neill, of Blyth, Northumberland, was also handed a four-month jail sentence, suspended for two years.

As well as all matches in the UK, the banning order prevents Neill from travelling abroad to watch international friendlies, qualification matches and tournaments.

Hate Crime?  What a load of wankers, as they say in the UK. It's getting dangerous to live Over There. They pretend to have something akin to freedom of speech, but it's eroding. It would be on life support, but National Health is eroding too, and has no space in the hallways to put freedom of speech (and the machine that goes PING).

Over Here, I may disagree with what you say, but I stand for your right to say it.

How do you suppose they'll enforce the ban? Will they hire spotters at each entrance to every stadium to watch for him? Will they also hire spotters for events outside the UK? Will the spotters be armed with truncheons or harsh language?

Stop, or I shall say stop  again!

-John Cleese on British police

Mainstream or Pr0n

This is the exclusive ThermionicEmissions game where the reader picks whether the 2 movies, tv shows, or books are mainstream or pr0n.  No looking it up on the web - that's cheating.

1. Her Limit
2. All American Boys

Brian May- Queen guitarist, astrophysicist, animal activist, and all around good guy, was knighted by King Charles. The king had to stand on a tall podium to look Sir Brian in the eyes. Brian is living right - hats off and great respect.

No, Really - Pancakes 

The other day, as usual, it was time for breakfast. Never mind that it was 4pm - the first meal of the day is breakfast, you meal nazis.  We had 2 places to decide between, the winner was a place that rhymes with Ihop. Oops. We have 1 about 5 minutes from us, which is the reason we drive past it, to the one 25 minutes from us. After spending too much time at the close one, we discovered it's always better to go to the one farther out. We're not entirely sure what's up with the close one. One theory is that there is no manager. He went home 5 years ago and never came back. Thus the inmates are running the asylum. Another theory is the corporate office decided to experiment with new staffing ideas and didn't hire a manager, because they're too expensive. This left the store free to make people wait while employees made Very Important Phone Calls (to their bookies), swung from the rafters, and brought people the wrong food (20 minutes late). As if this wasn't enough fun, they seem to attract a rowdy, obnoxious crowd. The farther store is pleasant, we don't wait, and the crowd is obnoxiously loud, but not obnoxious in behavior. 

We knew we were going to get sat immediately because there were few cars in the parking lot. HA!

There was 1 other couple waiting already, which was a good sign (not).

Some dude in the kitchen waved and welcomed us.

So we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I told Wife they had 5 more minutes until I became (more) obnoxious and we left.

We had not seen a single employee since we sat down.

Finally! Somebody walked up to the register! She tapped a few keys and walked off.

Eventually another somebody walked up to the register, tapped some keys, and walked off. 

We stared at each other.

Then some lady came out and started doing something with menus. AH, we thought - we were about to get seated!

She walked away too.

Little did we know that the place that rhymes with Ihop has an Employee Entertainment Program, wherein employees.... entertain.. themselves and others. The lady who just walked away was in the kitchen, smoking whatever the rest of them were smoking, over the pancake batter, and told them she has a surefire Employee Entertainment Program winner. She'd come out near the customers, and shuffle menus so the customers would think they were finally being seated. When relief showed on their faces, she'd walk away. This explains the howls of laughter we heard when she walked off.

She reappeared long enough to say, "Ladies, I'm sorry, but I have absolutely no choice in this."

At last count there were 2 ladies and 2 guys. We were feeling some kinda way, being left out of the status report. Maybe she didn't like men. Perhaps she was going to the Oscars and wouldn't talk to men, who represented the Patriarchy and were there to keep everybody down. Regardless, we remained confused, which also explained the additional laughter from the kitchen. Corporate has no idea how successful the Employee Entertainment Program is. Eventually she returned. We watched and waited for her to retreat or lead the staff in singing "I Shall Be Released."  No, she was actually going to seat the other couple (even though 1 of them was male). As we got up to leave, the other couple said we should prepare to wait 30 minutes, like they did.

HUH?  

I located Menu Lady and let her know we were leaving, as we didn't have the rest of our lives to wait for a WAITress or for them to get their stuff together. She looked horribly confused (I later found out that's the way she looks all the time - she's the manager) and said, "Uhhh...... Ok." We were overjoyed we had her permission.

We fully understand that sometimes there are problems. Sometimes the children who work there call out for fun.  If someone had just said something to us, things would have been fine. Instead, we sat under the very loud speaker, which was playing country music. In most countries, this is against the Geneva Convention: you can't treat prisoners this way.... it's cruel and inhuman. This is the reason we don't go to the closer Ihop.

As we got in the car, I warned 2 other cars not to bother going in there: they'd have to wait til their young children were ready for college before getting a table. I'm used to being looked at like I have 3 heads (instead of my usual 2) and these folks did not disappoint. We watched them enter as we were driving off. Oh well, I certainly tried to do a good deed.

Right down the street was a restaurant that rhymes with Bed Bobbin. We had never been there, and burgers beat pancakes for breakfast at 5pm. It was a very strange experience: we got seated immediately, staff was pleasant and communicative, the food showed up in record time, and we liked it. This sort of thing doesn't happen to us. The dessert was measured by height instead of weight. It was like 6" tall, and full of chocolate.

On the way home, we noticed 4 cars in the Ihop lot at 6pm. You reap what you sow, dingleberries.

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: Why do you need to go outside, then need to go outside 5 minutes later?

Her: Think about it. What happens when I come back in?

Me: You get a cookie.

Her: Do I need to explain further?

Me: But I was on a meeting with the CIO!

Her: Well, you can either get up and let me out, or take your chances with the furniture.

Me: How did you get so smart?

Her: Dog videos.

Me: YouTube?

Her: Bark Tok.

I've been really worried about Americans visiting Mexico, because of the cartels and lawlessness. I figured the only thing that would save the place was the tourist dollars, so maybe it wasn't that bad.

The other week, we heard that 2 Americans were killed and 2 more kidnapped by a cartel.

I think I can safely say Mexico is not a good idea at this point.

But wait.... the cartel apologized; they made a mistake. The 2 victims were mistaken for someones else. They left their own gunmen tied up on a road for the police to pick up, with a note of apology.

This means that violent Mexican drug cartels have a higher and more strict moral code than Congress.

Hypocrite Much?

Congressman confronts FBI over “egregious” unlawful search of his personal data

Ladies and Gentlemen, we might have some help with trying ti get ourselves out from under our own government's illegal, unwarranted surveillance. Rep Darin LaHood (R-Ill) discovered he was being spied on by the FBI. Many parts of his cranium exploded and words like careless, abuse, FISA, and egregious came from his mouth.

LaHood is one of the Congressmen voting to renew Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. This is the very act abused to spy on him. This is the problem. 9-11 led to the Patriot Act, major expansion of government, and tons of new laws to 'keep us safe.' Instead, the whole enchilada has been used to expand spying on innocent Americans. They. Don't. Care. The opportunity is there, and they are going to take it. Are we that stupid that we believe they won't? That we believe it's ok? We are Constitutionally guaranteed freedom from illegal search, which this clearly is. None of the letter agencies will pay for this, but we need to understand what's going on.

The government figured a way around your privacy, using a FISA court to keep everything secret. Rather than going to court to get a warrant for your personal information, they go to a special FISA court, which rubber stamps the request, but is exempt from disclosure because National Security, This is another violation. The only violation of National Security is our own 'leaders' spying on their own people. 9-11 was just an excuse. The Patriot Act was prepared long in advance of 9-11 (it was on the Congressmen's desks right after) . It was huge and no one bothered to read it - they just signed, because not to sign meant you were not patriotic. You were with Them - the alleged enemy. There were only a few non-signers, notably Ron Paul.

FBI director Christopher Wray said that he “completely” understood LaHood’s concerns, while emphasizing that the FBI has already implemented reforms and safeguards to prevent similar abuses in the future.

We swear. We promise. Wink wink. 

Strangely, it never occurred to them before LaHood found out and went public.

Yes, Mom, I fully admit to eating the cookies. I can understand why you're upset. I want you to know that improvements and additional safety have been put in place to discourage this in the future. Everything will be A-ok from now on.

LaHood, being just another Congressman, says that Section 702 is "invaluable." He deserves to stew in what he wrought.  Meanwhile, many wish to scrap 702 entirely. Contact your Congresscritter and tell them you support complete removal of 702. And the Patriot Act, while they're at it. Expect to hear back that these are vital for national security and not letting the terrorists win.

warned that the statute “puts a hole in the Fourth Amendment” and was leveraged to conduct 3.4 million “backdoor searches” of hundreds of millions of private communications between December 2020 to November 2021.

And that's only the tiny slice that they'll admit to. Congress is clueless about 702 in general, as the article points out. The 'safeguards' they talk about won't matter - they'll find another way around them or just continue until they get caught again. If there is any opportunity at all, they will use it, legal or not.

Then we'll talk about the NSA, which is completely exempt from laws and control.

[If I wasn't on a list already, I am now.]

Hey, remember all the LGBTQ+ negativity coming from the republicans, including laws against drag performance? One republican, Lt Gov Randy McNally (R-TN). just got caught 'liking' pictures of a young gay model removing clothing. The hypocrisy would be stunning if this didn't happen so frequently. This is what we have in office, in either party.

Flight 2738 from Philadelphia has landed. People waiting for passengers should meet at the end of runway 2 right. Watch your
step.

Mainstream or Pr0n

1. Her Limit - pr0n
2. All American Boys - regular old book

The Effects of Chunky Peanut Butter on the Spin of Quantum Particles

Your love is like  broom handles in places they shouldn't be.

The good news is that "it's crazy good" is on its way out.

The bad news is that it's been replaced with "it's super good." I'm super happy we're going to the mall. We're going to have a super great time. We can eat at the super good restaurant and have a super delicious meal.  It's been quite a few years, but as far as I remember, 'super' is an adjective, not an adverb. You can have a super car or an awesome car, but not a super awesome car. It sounds super stupid.

Today I identify as  a supporter of LGBT, but not LGBTQ+  - too many letters.

For some reason, I was allowed out of the house the other day.  We went to a local mall, because it's the closest thing to exercise I get (other than getting up from the sofa). It was a semi-upscale mall, so there are some interesting stores. Or at least there were interesting stores. After bodily separating Wife from her magnet store, we ventured out into the mall itself. I should have known something was up because the lights were at half mast (or someone forgot to pay the electric bill). The atmosphere as far as we could see was dingy. The mall was open and there were people about, but it looked like 2am with most of the lights off. Halfway through it was much better lit. It took a while to figure it out, but the local government obviously planned out the lighting so that the occupied parts of the mall were dark and the hastily abandoned stores were well-lit. It was kinda scary that most of the stores were not occupied, as in there was no store there.  Perhaps the lit non-stores were to draw attention for the need for stores. There was no rhyme or reason for which stores were still open, but the 2nd floor was largely closed. The only places that seemed to be doing well were fast food. A Subway closed. I've never seen a Subway close. It was the only place that was decent. The alleged food court consisted of the aforementioned closed Subway, the Real Imitation Pizza Stall, and Asian food, with a genuine Asian person standing out front, not letting you pass until you tried one of their samples.  NONE SHALL PASS.  If you try a sample of whatever they just fried in whatever they just fried it, you had better not cough or the toothpick will lodge in your throat. This would be unfortunate, as you'd have to call 911, then try to describe which closed store you're at.

Come quick - someone's got something in this throat!

Ok, what's in his throat?

Do I sound like I'm about to stick my fingers down his throat and find out? I did my civic and moral duty by calling 911.

Where is the choking person with indeterminate something caught in his throat?

Bob's Mall.

Uh-oh.  Can you tell me where in the mall you are?

MMMmmmmm it's kinda hard. Come in the entrance where Sears used to be. Pass 14 closed stores on your left. Take a right where Chik Filet was and you'll see the stall where Dairy Queen used to be. If you look to your left, that's where the Subway was - you can tell because the lights are out but all the stuff is still there, like the restaurant closed for the night. This is probably what happened, but they forgot to come back for 6 months. Look to your right. You will see a ring of people, about 25' in diameter, all with phones out. They're taking video of the blue guy choking to death. A few are live-streaming to Faceyspaces and Tik Tok. In the middle of the circle is the choking dude. That's what the videos are all going to be titled: Choking Dude at Bob's Mall. You should check them out later... some of the phones have those high definition cameras, so the quality will be pretty good.

Ok, sir, I'm back, sorry for the delay. Where are you located?

What I really wanted, out of what was open at the mall, was a malt. I got really lucky, in that there was only 1 person (a really hot 1 person) in line when I got there. For some reason, she stood there with her kids, and nothing seemed to be happening. Eventually a male showed up, probably her husband; said a few words, and was off. I continued to wait. And wait. And wait. As the urge to commit violence threatened to overtake me, I left. Later on I figured out what happened: there was 1 person being served, which brought their meager capabilities to a grinding halt. This was before I showed up. I supposed my arrival caused an emergency of unprecedented proportions, so they just went right into Defense Mode and shut down completely. I've seen smoother nervous breakdowns. Small wonder the mall was on life support. Even sadder was that food was popular, pretty much the only thing doing business. Just a malt. A simple milkshake with the addition of malt powder. They were Dairy Queen. It's supposed to be a thing they prepare all the time. Milkshakes are not that difficult and wildly popular. But then again, so is suicide. As usual, Wife was a calming influence ("Don't you DARE throw anybody over the railing to the 1st floor. I warned you about this last time!").

• Speaking of the unbelievable, there is a country music song called "She thinks my tractor is sexy." I think country music has breathed its last, or at least jumped the shark. And the whale.

..future robots to push the limits of non-human biology. For instance, a team of researchers at the University of Colorado Boulder recently developed a material that could give rise to soft robots capable of jumping 200 times above their own thickness. Grasshoppers, one of the most astonishing leapers on Earth, can leap into the air only up to 20 times their body lengths

Nobody knows why this is important. 

Sir, we now have a robot that can jump 200 times its height!

That's lovely, Jenkins. This matters why?

Sir, grasshoppers can jump 20 times their own height, but our robot can jump 200! 200 is ten times the normal grasshopper ability!

And of what use is this on the battlefield? 

We can stun our enemies, Sir. While they're watching our robot leap 200', we shoot and kill most of them. The rest go back to their officers and explain they just saw a giant grasshopper hop 200' in the air. They'll all be dismissed on psych grounds.

So we'll have an 80% kill rate and a 20% Section 8 rate? Fascinating.

But that's not all, Sir.

No, it never is.

Because it doesn't have to breathe, like, I dunno, grasshoppers, we can send them into space, with satellites. They can leap 200' in any direction. Do you realize, Sir, that in months, we will achieve Giant Robot Grasshopper superiority in space??

Yes, Jenkins, you have something here. As the world leader, we need Giant Robot Grasshopper superiority in space. We can have Space Force put leashes on them and go for space walks. This is the kind of forward thinking this army needs. You and I will be up for promotions. Well, at least *I* will. I need to get on the horn to Halliburton to start production. Since we tanked the economy, a good round of incredibly expensive hardware will put things back where they were. It'll be just like when Dick Cheney was here. I hear Dick's way down below, where it's very hot. He's teaching Satan some new tricks.

I think I've just been censored. I typed out the above bit, went to preview it, and it wasn't there. Funny, I could see what I just typed, only it wasn't there in preview. That's a first, even for Google. When I went to check on something else, I came back and now even my typing was gone. Maybe it was aliens. Or worse; ancient astronaut theorists.

• Perrier is the liquid form of cardboard

One of the main themes of this blog is documenting one man's descent into madness.

It should be complete shortly.

Well, not exactly.

For a while recently, I've had trouble with the object end of sentences.

I'll think to myself, "I really need to do something about the gutters."

5 minutes later, I turn to Wife and say, "I really need to do something about the.... DAMMIT... things that go around the house and redirect rain water." 

At my last doctor visit, I asked about this, fearful of the answer. He said no problem - you're getting older. It's normal.

Fsck. Really? 

I've used words all my life. Generally they pop right up when requested.

If it's supposed to make me feel any better, the siblings have the same problem.

If it's supposed to make me feel any worse, Alzheimer's can be hereditary.

I'm not entirely sure I like this. It's not even really funny for the blog (unless it involves talking to police or a judge). 

Aside from forgetting words for a minute or 3, the mind seems to work.

Except when there are 2 things to be done. If I go into the kitchen to throw something out and get a drink, odds are I will walk out of the kitchen with a drink and the thing I was going to throw out. I couldn't see it because it was too close to my face, apparently. Last night I went to turn the light out on the way to bed, then remembered I had to carry some clothes to the bedroom. I picked up the clothes and walked right by the lamp I was turning off. I think this is ADD, not AGE.

• The latest Firefox is out. Normally I don't mention this, but this release has a new locale: Sandinia. So all my Sardinian readers can rejoice! 
• Since life always closely resembles Monty Python, you can find Sardinia featured in the International Hide and Seek games sketch.

So GM plans to put AI in your car, via ChatGPT. You already know about ChatGPT because it's online and you can use it for the cost of registering. I'm sure there was a lot of work that went into this project, but you have to wonder how they programmed it for 'other things' heard in a car. How would it respond to:

• GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU ANCIENT MF'er - YOU'RE TOO OLD TO DRIVE
• Nice turn signal, asswipe
• Get out of my trunk, idiot
• Ha - you had to pass me and now we're stuck at the same red light. Feel accomplished now?
• I think he's drunk. Or stupid. Or both.
• Honey, please don't watch Death Race 2000 while driving. This isn't a Tesla.
• Weren't there 2 heads in that car? Why is there only 1 now... ohhhh
• Would you STOP slamming the brakes? The bodies in the trunk are rolling around.

The ratings for this year's Oscars are up 12% over last year.

I'm very disappointed in you.

The other morning in Philly, someone drove their Family Hauling Vehicle, formerly knows as 'minivan,' into police headquarters. The police were apoplectic but handled their jobs professionally, with the obviously intoxicated driver only 'falling down the steps' 2 or 3 times. When asked why he did it, the driver couldn't understand what all the fuss was: he was drunk and saved the cops the effort of a long chase, and turned himself in.

Canada is having a bit of a problem with errant drivers. A truck plowed into pedestrians, killing 2, in northern Quebec. Last month a man intentionally drove a bus into a Montreal daycare center, killing 2 children.

Let this be a lesson: this is what happens when you outlaw guns.

(yup, I'm going straight to hell)

My momma talkin to me tryina tell me how to live
But I don't listen to her cuz my head is like a sieve
-Cheech and Chong

A Month of Mondays

Your love is like  asparagus jelly

It's Women's History Month, as work reminded me. These emails are getting through my filters, then I get agitated, then I take it out on you, the readers.

Still no left handed history month 

How, you ask, does one celebrate Women's History Month? Let me count the ways..

1. pray for the next ridiculous month's celebration to come quickly
2. bitch, yell, carp, scream, or complain at somebody, preferably a man
3. talk about window treatments, new furniture, and the perfect flowerpot for that space
4. take 4 times the usual number of minutes (hours) to get ready
5. pretend you didn't notice your shirt is buttoned as low as it is
6. when somebody cuts you off, don't scream at them
7. when asked to take out the trash, tell your spouse not now, you have a headache

Today I identify as  Lieutenant Columbo (deceased)

The Phrases are getting out of hand.

"Game Changer" has to be used at least once every 3 minutes, whether on tv or at work.

"At the end of the day" is quickly catching up.

The only good news is that "it is what it is" is falling out of favor.

We, as Linguistic Police, have a duty to knock this stuff out of the lexicon.

You're going to be shocked. Or maybe not.

But there are now babies born with 3 parents, currently only legal in the UK.

Apparently there are a few ways of doing this, but the easy way is always the best. It involves 3 or more people, a mattress, a donkey, and Alec Baldwin's 'stunt' gun. If one of the persons has a disease, you might want to go via genetic manipulation, which is considerably less fun, even though the donkey is still on the table.  The 3 parent technique could create babies at risk of severe disease.

• So called 'normal' people want some time to figure out what's going on, because they blank out when someone says 'science.'
• Republicans desperately need something in there about killing babies so they can pass a bill against it.
• LGBTQ+1 organizations (the democrats) need something in there about killing babies so they can pass a bill protecting it.
• Religious organizations forbid it because the 3 parents aren't married and can't be married (but send the donkey anyway).
• What about the man in the street? People in the street should get to a sidewalk quickly, lest they become a statistic.

Supreme Court declines to decide whether city-backed prayer vigil violated First Amendment

Of course it did. The clickbait headline neglects to mention that the courts are first deciding whether the 2 plaintiffs have a right to sue. In refusing, it gets kicked back to lower courts to make the determination of standing, then violation.

At issue for the Supreme Court was a more procedural question: Whether the plaintiffs, who attended the rally and alleged they were “aggrieved” by what they saw, were injured enough to meet the threshold for suing.

Huh? I don't believe you need to be a certain degree of 'aggrieved' to sue. A violation is a violation. I'll be back with more Backseat Legal Driving next week. The Supreme Court is moving to the side of religion lately. This issue needs to be monitored- it affects all of us.

Scientists have mapped a secret hidden corridor in Great Pyramid of Giza

Ancient Astronaut Theorists say this is proof that the pyramids were constructed by aliens because the Egyptians didn't have the technology or ability to build a corridor.

Regular Old Theorists say this points to there bring a big hole in the pyramid.

Archaeologists say they're pissed because they can't even get permission to look at the pyramid.

The dog was chewing on something. Upon closer inspection, she had brought in a mouse. Or most of a mouse. Instead of dropping it on her mommy as a present, she decided it was too tasty to give away. After a brief but loud discussion, I was elected to remove it (or what was left of it). Part of me is revulsed, the other part proud. I will keep this in mind later, when she starts to lick my pillow.

Biden FCC nominee withdraws, blaming cable lobby and “unlimited dark money“

• Oh yeah, she's also a lesbian. This fact made a certain political party very upset. I won't mention which one. Much mud was thrown at her.
• I remember the 2016 elections. The Log Cabin Republicans were a group of gay people voting republican. The R-tent looked very inclusive back then. Apparently the tent shrunk in the wash, only leaving room for certain republicans.
• Nobody mentioned Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg.

Spokespersons for both parties preferred to emphasize the positive: they are in complete agreement with each other in many areas: higher salaries, larger government, less rights, and higher taxes.

Wife, returning from whatever it is she does in the morning, asked what I wanted for breakfast.

Apparently she didn't take me seriously when I said malt, bacon burger, or barbecue. After all these years, she still doesn't know when to take me seriously. I'll probably wind up with one of those disgusting breakfast things. The convenience store has Breakfast Burritos. Burritos are my favorite Mexican food, but Breakfast Burritos have things like eggs and sausage in them. Who eats this stuff in the morning? Or at all? Then I reminded her we probably still have Breakfast Burritos from last week. If we do, they're a lovely shade of blue and furry now. I suggested an egg, cheese, bacon sandwich, hold the egg and cheese, but she doesn't remember too good, so it's always a surprise; usually not in my favor. As least I can count on a Coke (unless Supply Chain Difficulties stopped all Coke products from showing up. Again). 

There are certain foods that are foreign to me because my mom didn't make them. Sausage is one. It's ok, as I really don't like it. I remember having the best popcorn of my life once, at a friend's house. After a bit of intensive detective work, it was discovered that Friend used butter, while Mom used margarine on our popcorn. We solved it amicably, by promising not to call Child Services if she used butter in the future. Have I mentioned we were complete bastards? Nothing changed.

Another thing that really threw me for a loop was people getting burgers with mayonnaise. No sane person where I grew up put mayo on burgers. Whenever we left the area, I had to specify NO MAYO on burgers. It was counter-intuitive.  When I forgot, I had to give the burger to my brother, who hated mayo on burgers too, but I was the bigger brother and would maim counsel him if he did not follow my orders instructions.

Speaking of instructions, we went food shopping last night, reminding my why food shopping is not one of my chores. I will gladly do dishes and haul service elephant poop out of the living room, so long as I don't have to go food shopping. First of all, we have to make sure it's not more than the mortgage payment. I noticed the dog eats better than we do, especially treats. Her treats are more numerous and healthy than anything we eat. And more expensive. This is because there are more stringent regulations for pet food than human food. This is counterproductive, because if we die first, who will buy treats for the dog?

Never ask 2 people with little to no memory to go to the meat counter. Since there were only 2 people behind the counter and 2 people in front of the counter, they were completely jammed up. One was on strike and the other involved in deep conversation with the good looking blonde next to us. We noticed that nobody was actually slicing anything, so we used the electronic order thingie to order and we'd pick it up later in our trip. Hopefully the guy allegedly slicing the meat would be done with the blonde by that time, assuming a brunette hadn't shown up later. Later at home, Wife asked if I put the meat away. No I didn't, largely because neither of us remembered to go back to the meat counter to get our already-sliced order.  Damned if we do, hungry if we don't. Next time we go shopping with an adult.

No blog entry would be complete without news of Tesla.

Last week it was rear seats turning into ejector seats. Like there's something wrong with that.

This week it's steering wheels falling off. This is a particularly good one. I wonder if you hit autodrive when the steering wheel falls off or just panic and scream your head off.

• There's a Tesla down the street.  Every time I pass it I laugh and think of posting updates on it. I'd tape them to the windshield, but I'd be afraid it would fall out or spontaneously combust.

But we're not done with Elon Musk yet. The EU told him to hire more staff to moderate Twitter.

I'm not sure why his business is any of the EU's business and highly encourage Elon to troll the hell out of them on Twitter. Perhaps he can encourage the EU to fund their demand.

A place to exercise your brain? Introducing mental health gyms

Yeah, we've run out of good and even marginally bad ideas. Now we're beneath the bottom of the barrel. Mental health gyms? It's not polite to poke fun at people with issues, especially considering my entire house has issues, including the dog. But you're reading ThermionicEmissions, where we poke at everything. Besides, what do you suppose you do at a mental health gym?

• Parietal lobe push-ups
• Cerebral Cortex chin-ups
• Frontal lobe fscking around
• Basal ganglia boxing
• Brain Stem Boogie -cool down

Volkswagen took some heat last month, when they were asked to track a car by the police. Volkswagen told the fuzz that they wouldn't track nothin' till somebody paid the bill to reactivate the 'connected car service.'

Volkswagen is very sorry  they got caught and says it will never happen again they will not get caught a second time. The service has been made free so they won't get caught again. They are testing implants that let the police know what the driver and passengers are thinking. At this point, the implants are rectal, so when the state makes them mandatory, the driver can tell them to stick it up their ass.

It's International Women's Day. Or it was International Women's Day.

It comes in the middle of Women's History Month.

I dunno.... it looks to me like the people who come up with this crap are all female.

Every day is Women's Day. We love them. We worship them. They demand it.

It was just Valentine's Day. I never get a thing on V-day. Not so much as a piece of candy. It's all about the women. Roses increase from $12/dozen to $75/dozen. If you have a penis, you had better be prepared to bring the goods, whether flowers, candy, dinner, jewelry, or new cars. Maybe a yacht or a small office building. Perhaps a reversal of your vasectomy. Perhaps a vasectomy. You never see women rushing all over stores, worried and upset they can't find the perfect V-Day gift for their husband(s). 

So it's Valentine's Day, International Women's Day, Women's History Month, Do as you're told year, and She Who Must Be Obeyed life. It carries you from birth to death, which may be hastened by failure to observe any of these mandatory holidays. 

Mrs. lefty specifies there will be no presents on V-Day (not just for me). She forgets to balk when the flowers show up. 

Hardest Ride? Toyota Priapus

Your love is like  Dolly Parton's first 125 bras: hidden, strained beyond belief, waiting for better material

Half of world on track to be overweight by 2035

In these days of divide and conquer, disagreement, and bad politics, it's great that the world can come together and achieve a goal.

Today I identify as  a book on drag, coming to 'convert' your children

Thought you'd opted out of online tracking? Think again

If you think opting out does anything at all, you're sadly mistaken. It won't change til you pay attention to it.

Mainstream or Pr0n

This is the exclusive ThermionicEmissions game where the reader picks whether the 2 movies or tv shoes are mainstream or pr0n.  No looking it up on the web - that's cheating.

1. Hot and Lovely Charm
2. Lustery

Oops - President Giveaway stumbled up the steps of Air Force One for the 2nd time in 2 weeks.

Asked for comment, he pushed his press secretary aside and addressed the teeming masses:

As your commander-in-thief, I need to address the lies about me stumbling up the steps to Air Force One. First of all, it was Air Force Seven [Secret Service whispers in ear - we don't have an Air Force Seven, Sir.]. Thirdly, you people clearly don't understand gravity: it makes going up the steps a breeze, but coming down is a bitch. I think those steps were made in China. We need to get rid of them.

Press: But Mr. President, you tripped up the steps.

Now don't get smart with me or I'll have you shipped to Aruba. These steps are treacherous; they try to get me every time. Instead of reporting I got tripped twice, what about the other 4 times I didn't trip, huh?

Press: Mr. President, that's when the Secret Service carried you.

[to Secret Service] Throw him in the Trump Room.

Any of you other wiseacres have any more smart questions?

Press: Baba Booie  Baba Booie.

Yes, I know him well. If you can keep a secret, he may be my running mate.

Press: Will you be running for president again?

No, the doctors tell me to run around the house. Kamila told me that minorities have first shot at being president. Sometimes she's a real crackpot. [Secret Service: crack UP, Sir]

Press: Was that a joke?

Was what a joke?

Press: the Pentagon won't release any information on the 3 UAPs shot down last week. What can you tell us?

Oh they were big and round [holds arms out] and flew around like this [spins]. I said we need to be friendly, so I told them to shoot the UAPs down. 6 days later, they shot them down. See how important I am?

Press: Mr. President, what were they?

Oh, they were really shiny.

Press: Were they alien?

No, they were ships. Keep up with me. I have a lot to do today. After the conference we're going to McDonald's for... what's that thing called?  A Depressed Meal. Last question....

Press: Ronald Reagan ate jellybeans. Bill Clinton ate staff, and Hillary Clinton ate babies. What will you be known for?

Cardboard. I eat it and have the I.Q. of it. Just because you were so great today, I'd like to give you a small gift of $27 million. Each. We'll keep it secret from the National Debt, ok?

We came upon a few entrepreneurs selling Girl Scout Cookies the other day.

I don't know about you, but I can't trust any organization that doesn't molest its members. No wonder they keep trying to get in the Boy Scouts. 

My memory isn't all that good, but I distinctly remember that the cookies were affordable and numerous. Then the price crept up. Then there were plastic inserts that cut down the amount of cookies. Then the price went up again. Yearly. The national organization realized that they only have a few more years until the country realizes what they're doing, so they need a new scheme. In 2030, you will be charged $8.50 for not buying the cookies. The price will go up if you weren't going to buy more than one box.

• Meanwhile, the Boy Scouts, upset at the level of abuse, want to hold all their meetings at Catholic churches, where they could potentially double the abuse.

The latest court circus is called the Ice Cream Man Murder. A poor dude running his ice cream truck gets mugged. He then plays investigator to find the mugger, goes to his house and shoots him.  Apparently this is illegal.  I don't see why.. the guy should get a medal, plus an award from the police for tracking the societal leech down. For some reason, my fellow libertarians are mad at me. Damned if I know.

There's something up at the top ladder of Rich Folks.

• Lord Zuck has cut Meta's budget, but quadrupled his personal security.
• Elon Musk has lowered the price of Teslas twice, fired half of Twitter, and his bodyguards follow him into the bathroom.  Asked for comment, Musk said he still does all his own wiping, to save money.
• Jeff Bezos traded favors with William Shatner and will be starring in the new movie - Star Trek 47: Kirk Gets a Colostomy.

Speaking of Tesla, there is a(nother) recall. The rear seat was not properly secured and will behave as an Ejector Seat. You can't have a rear seat eject because people who buy Teslas sit in the back seat, expecting the car to drive itself. The bolts will have to be re-torqued and the drivers will require an IQ test and flameproof suit, in case of spontaneous combustion. The rear seat will be renamed "In-law Seat".

Chick-fil-A confirms accounts hacked in months-long "automated" attack

The lord helps those that help themselves. So keep up thine patches and antiviruses. And for God's sake, stay open on Sundays.

Abstaining from masturbating RAISES risk of anxiety, depression and erectile dysfunction, study warns

Well of course it does. Why did we need a study to determine medical facts not in dispute? One has to keep the prostate healthy by masturbating or sex several times per week. You don't want an upset prostate, trust me. I got this advice from a doctor years ago. I told him to write me a note saying this, so I could present it to my girlfriend. I also asked if Blue Cross/Blue Shield covered it, in case I needed a professional.

Oh, this is Reddit's NoFap routine.

I guess someone needed a few million for an intense study.

There are other studies:

• Does sex feel good?
• Is getting out of bed now and then better for your body?
• Breathing: Good or Bad?
• Dogs: do they have fur?

Microsoft gives Bing's AI chatbot personality options

How many do you suppose there will be? Anything under 10 personalities is boring.

Mainstream or Pr0n answer

1. Hot and Lovely Charm - a Windows game
2. Lustery - pr0n

Zircon Encrusted Sneakers

Your love is like  peanut butter broccoli

Doctor: removed a cancerous lesion from Biden’s chest

ThermionicEmissions wishes the best of health for the president.

And hopes that he can campaign without a head.

Today I identify as  certainly not a dead rock star, that's for sure.

NASA finds crashing spacecraft into asteroids is a viable defence strategy

If all else fails, shoot it, bomb it, or throw a spacecraft at it.

• I've had it with YouTube. I might have been the last person on the planet to use it more than once a month. It is so chock full of crap, and this is before the video even starts. Every time, the same crap I have to click through. YouTube, I am just Not Interested in all this garbage, just to see a video. I'm fully aware that nothing's free, but things keep adding up. Cable tv wasn't supposed to have commercials either, which lasted about a week. Don't go down that road (yeah, right). People are coming up with browser extensions to bypass some of the aggravation. People are also going elsewhere in droves, both because of this and your draconian censorship.
• I notice that nothing on the front page ever appeals to me. I guess I'm way out of your target demographic (which appears to be 12-15, female).

I complain a lot about the weather, with great justification.

To be fair, I want to accentuate the positive: it has been sunny for 2 days!

Also to be fair: that's our entire allotment for the month.

Remember Havana Syndrome? Where people in our embassies were getting headaches, brain injuries, hearing loss, and the voices stopped talking to them. US Intelligence (oxymoron alert!) studied 1,000 anomalous health incidents (AHI, because the government cannot do anything without an abbreviation). People suspected some sort of beam weapon.  

Of the seven intelligence agencies that undertook the investigation, five determined that "available intelligence consistently points against the involvement of US adversaries in causing the reported incidents," according to an unclassified version of the report released Wednesday by the House intelligence committee. Those five agencies deemed foreign adversary involvement "very unlikely." One considered it "unlikely" and one declined to state a conclusion. 

They literally have no idea. But they know it wasn't a weapon. Or terrorism. Or aliens - that's for sure.

probably the result of factors that did not involve a foreign adversary, such as preexisting conditions, conventional illnesses, and environmental factors," the report reads. 

Keeping in mind that neither you nor I was there or conducted any kind of study, the reasons stated above are the same ridiculous answers provided about UFO/UAPs. I have 1 question: do you mean to tell me that everyone at all of the affected embassies had pre-existing conditions, or conventional illnesses, or it was an environmental factor at every one? Do we look that stupid? 

I withdraw my last question, Your Honor.

The PineTab2 comes out this April, starting at $159. Pine is a very interesting company, putting out products that are all designed by amateurs and run on open source software (usually linux). The Tab follows the PinePhone (designed for security too), and PineBook Pro is $219. There's even a PineWatch and soldering iron. I'm confused about the soldering iron... I've used one for years and years, and see no gain to this one (digitally temperature controlled). I like the concept of the phones; they're not $1,200 and tied to Google or Apple. The laptops are quite appealing. Note that they use SD cards for memory - you're not going to get a 2TB hard drive in one. They run on many different varieties of linux (sorry, no Windows). For $199 or more, they're fully functional and worth a look. The people who have them are very happy with them. The whole thing becomes a community effort. 

I'd highly recommend taking a look at the Pine Store. I was all set to get the phone, but want something with more horsepower to replace my existing phone. I suspect the addons aren't mature at this point, while the PineBook Pro is all sorted out. There are forums for all products and everybody is cooperative and verbal. The only caution is to look further than the price on all items, in case there's something that doesn't work for you or is immature. I'll probably wind up with a Pinebook Pro (my only issue is that it doesn't have a 17" display), which can't screw up more than my existing laptop, from System76 (see System76 page). They're light years apart in just about every specification. At $219, they're a great deal. And if you can use Windows, you can use linux. A start button is a start button, regardless. Same with a program menu, and Ctrl-P for print. You'll recognize all the office apps, that use mostly the same keys and functions. You can even use the PineBook to learn linux, without disturbing your Windows machine.

Rare Jurassic-era bug found at Arkansas Walmart

It hasn't been seen since the 1950s and was presumed extinct.

It was earning $1.50 an hour at Walmart, working in janitorial services. Walmart explained that the minimum wage 1,000 years ago was $0.0325/week, so $1.50 is adjusted for time and inflation. The bug  works 80 hours per week, which should give you some idea why we thought they were extinct.

Election 2024

Everybody is gearing up for the next presidential election. We checked in with each candidate:

• Donald Trump: Everybody loves me and is waiting for me to come back. 
• Joe Biden: 2023 will be my year, I'll be VP again!
• DeSantis: I haven't said anything about running, but most of what I say pisses people off
• Steve Laffey (R): Who? 
• Nikki Haley (R): I am the only chick and women have to vote for women (unless they're libertarians, like last election) My platform is poking Trump.
• Vivek Ramaswamy (R): I'm just here to see if people can pronounce Ramaswamy. I have as much chance as a black Jewish lesbian communist midget with The Flying AIDS
• Marianne Williamson (D): I endorsed Bernie Sanders, what else do you need to know? 
• The Democrats: We won by running 22 questionable candidates against Trump. Why mess with a winning formula? 
• The Republicans (R): Gawd help us.
• The Libertarians: We have a lot of infighting to do before we pick a candidate. We have to pay $15 million and get 25 billion signatures to qualify.

The PEN. 

Don't forget about The Green Pen. It's a longshot, but the Pen is the way to go. It won't be politics as usual. There will be no red ink. The Green Pen has no gender, except in Spanish, so that's off the table for fighting. This will also get the SJW vote... The Green Pen is whatever gender you like. In fact, it could be transgender too. It needs a much smaller Secret Service detail, and can be hidden in someone's pocket in an emergency. It will reduce the debt. The only price rise will be green pens, which will go through the roof, especially on Ebay. WOW! LOOK! VINTAGE GREEN PEN LOOK! WOW! Serious bidders only!

The Pen has had its memory, cognition, and ink level tested and performed in the 95th percentile. Although its age is indeterminate, best guesses are below 5, but that's old for a pen. It has a higher IQ than the rest of the pack combined. In a candid moment, The Pen quipped that this is not a difficult task.

Here is some of The Pen's platform:

• tax breaks for the left handed
• reparations for the left handed
• close the IRS and send them home (to Satan)
• close Congress until they pass remedial courses in the Constitution and law
• institute Left Handed History Month
• fire the Pentagon leaders who believe UFOs are evil and satanic
• have Biden and Congress(es) pay back their contribution to the debt
• let's face it - The Green Pen certainly couldn't be any worse

I think The Green Pen makes sense. You?

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: Hi

Her: I'm so happy to see you.

Me: You're always happy to see me - it's part of your charm.

Her: I'm still happy to see you. Got any tuna?

Me: I noticed that when we go to take a picture of you, you turn away at the last moment. Then when I walk, you walk in front of me, as if you were herding me. Why do you do this?

Her: I'm part cat.

Me: I see.

Frogmore Cottage: Harry and Meghan 'requested to vacate' property

Yes, those wacky royals are at it again, this time throwing their own child and his wife out of a residence. Harry and Meghan are sad and poor, with only 4 other residences in England, 3 in the US, and a few more in countries we can't spell or pronounce. The 'request' was particularly distressing, as it was addressed to Harry and the Black Girl. For her part, the Black Girl said that Frogmore was a particularly silly name and she was taking lessons to learn to talk all posh and wear much bigger hats. At the last few parties her hats were but 3' across and she was laughed out of the room by English ladies, some wearing entire horses on their heads. Meghan is the first instance of a woman embarrassed by it being too small.

I will be shot, dismembered, disowned, buried, then given a serious talking-to by my UK readers, but Meghan is the sexiest woman in the entire family.

I don't know how we came across some new dishes, but it's my house, so I don't know a lot of things. They look nice. They're not microwave-safe.... how weird are microwave-forbidden new dishes? To the best of my knowledge, microwaves have been around for a while, like cell phones, and should have this whole exercise down by now. Neither does.

But that's by far not the strangest thing about the dishes. I don't know by what process they were made, but they have a non-stick coating. And when I say non-stick, I mean whatever you put on them goes flying off the other end. I've had more than my fair share of Flying Pizza. Flying Pizza is nowhere near as bad as baked beans, which becomes an unwelcome designer for your clothes. The particularly nasty thing about Flying Pizza is that my pizza is a bacon pizza, and the bacon falls off. How sad is this?

In the words of Monty Python:

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm gets wasted

God gets quite irate.

Replace sperm with bacon and it all becomes clear.

Don't forget to register to vote.

The Republican Rampage

What have they done this time? 

Florida bill would make bloggers who write about governor register with state

Sure enough, Ron DeSantis, pissing off more people and proving he has not a clue about Freedom of Speech. To hear this drivel from the mouth of a governor is just sad. It amounts to "HEY, he said bad words about me, Mooooooommm, make him stop."  The Planet of California elected Nancy Pelosi and Gavin Newsom repeatedly. The people of Florida have this disappointment. His penis must be incredibly small.

Cold Fries and Warm Coke

Your love is like  Slayer  (the band OR the hobby)

I did the dishes last night and found an uncooked chicken breast in the sink.

[horribly confused look] *I* didn't put it there.

With all the things that disappear, it's great to find something that appears.  Now we need warning, so we can refrigerate it when it happens.

Today I identify as   another good idea that pisses people off

The ghost of Alfred Hitchcock was in the neighborhood the other day. I was minding my own business, working, when it became too loud to continue. Oddly enough, it wasn't the neighbors with various machinery; it was over 100 birds, hanging out in the neighbor's tree. Loud birds. Why, I asked Wife. She didn't know. I noticed they were all pointed in one direction. Looking at me. Either Work sent them to monitor me or perhaps people are right about me being paranoid.

End of the 5-day workweek? Some states consider legislation making 4-day workweeks more common

Although the study on this was in the UK, we couldn't help but notice it.

I don't see it happening too widely. Many employers won't bother to check the study - the thought of employees not being physically there terrifies them. The idea, aside from the obvious, is to get rid of extraneous calls and meetings. Let's face it, most meetings are extraneous. If they get rid of meetings, some employees will have nothing to do. They go to meetings to plan the next meeting. Another great point for companies: anything over 32 hours will count as overtime.

At one of my jobs, I created a system by which most computer issues could be solved remotely. It was received well, but after a month, Manglement made a remark that they hadn't seen people from my department on the floor recently.  No good deed ever goes unpunished.

I am a bit ambiguous on this. I don't like government interference, but naturally, I wouldn't mind a 4 day workweek. 

Bizarro World

Wealthy Bay Area town grapples with 'attack on whiteness' controversy

You have to dig pretty far into this bizarre situation to understand it, so I have no idea. Apparently a white Los Gatos planning commissioner lobbed, as a private citizen, the following grenade: 

"The referendum was fully paid for and passed by a few rich white anti-housing men in our town,"

In a heretofore non-existent event, she was pilloried for racist language against white people. She is afraid for her personal safety. She was censured at work. You should read about how rich white men were offended by this.

I wonder if the apoplexy would have been present had a black woman made the statement.

Pretty soon everybody will have their own Outrage Card, to play whenever they feel wronged.

Flying AIDS news 

• As COVID vaccine patent dispute drags on, Moderna forks over $400M to NIH
• Florida surgeon general fudged data for dubious COVID analysis, tipster says
• Lab Leak Most Likely Origin of Covid-19 Pandemic, Energy Department Now Says
• China should be honest on Covid origin, says US envoy
• FBI boss says COVID-19 'most likely' escaped from lab

Monday: Flying AIDS escaped from China lab (low confidence)

[pitchforks and torches]

We said low confidence, you morons. Try reading to the end of the sentence.

Tuesday: Flying AIDS could have escaped from China lab

Wednesday: Oh yeah, Flying AIDS escaped from China lab. We're pretty serious now. That's right. Eat it, China.

Mozilla says “most top apps” on Android have misleading privacy labels

Since your read ThermionicEmissions, you're concerned about privacy. Go to the app's privacy notice and read it there. Do not fall off sleeping while doing this. Make the right decision on using the app. If you have an iDevice, Apple has already made the decision for you and you're ok with that.

Mainstream or Pr0n

This is the exclusive ThermionicEmissions game where the reader picks whether the 2 movies or tv shoes are mainstream or pr0n.  No looking it up on the web - that's cheating.

1. Pie
2. Hardcase

TurboTax Service Codes - coupons!

How an early-warning radar could prevent future pandemics

Radar will be tuned to automatically lock you in your house

Since Elon Musk has been out of the headlines for damn near 23 hours, Tesla swooped in and saved the day: full self-driving mode (beta), a $15,000 option, has stopped rolling out.

The US National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recently found Tesla's FSD software was unsafe and prone to errors. It could cause vehicles to drive straight through intersections whilst in a turn-only lane, fail to come to a complete stop at stop signs, or veer out into oncoming traffic.

From the wording, this is apparently a bad thing, as opposed to Just Another Day in most cities.

The NHTSA requires Tesla to either fix the software, or make a $1 million donation to the NHTSA Meetings in Aruba Fund.

Scientists Now Want to Create AI Using Real Human Brain Cells

The program will ultimately fail, when they can't locate any.

I was lukewarm on AI, except as the latest Corporate Buzzword. Thinking further, perhaps it can be of some use. 

• It could do my work reports for me.  I'd get caught when the reports were found to be lacking in sarcasm. 
• If you have been unfortunate enough to listen to the radio in the past 20 years, you know AI can probably write hit songs (that would have to be better than the crap you heard). Small children with crayons would be better. 
• It could write news copy (if it isn't already). There are many videos of many stations all saying the same words. 
• You could use it to replace your significant other (provided you programmed it to argue).
• it could respond to email from your less-important friends (and family)

Ooh baby baby

Push it real good.

This just happened:

Hello, welcome to Bob's Fly by Night Car Loans. What is your social security number?

You're not supposed to be using social security numbers as identification. But since you're a bank, I wouldn't expect you to know this.

Please enter your PIN

I don't have a PIN - I'm a car loan customer.

If you don't want to wait, you can skip the hours of time you'd lose trying to talk to us by using the customer service email on our website. If you would like to keep holding, press *##. 

If I am calling, why do I need to press a key to keep holding? Oh, cool, the website.

Log in.

We're not going to simply let you log in. We have to call you back with the Super Secret Code.

Ring. What is the Super Secret Code?

Ok, you may go ahead on the site.

Hmmm.... customer service, here it is. Email.. here it is. HUH? What do you mean log in - I'm already logged in.

Log in again.

We're not going to simply let you log in. We have to call you back with the Super Secret Code.

Ring. What is the Super Secret Code?

Ok, you may go ahead on the site.

Here we are again: customer service

Just log in to use customer service email.

You people could not organize a sock drawer.

Log out.

Use phone.

Our foreign customer service agent is pissing off other callers. You will have to wait at least an hour because lines are really friggin busy today. If you like, we can call you back when it's your turn. Press 1. 

Ring ring.

Hello. HELLO?

Thank you for calling Bob's Fly by Night Car Loans. This is our callback service. To speak to a representative, press 1.

You just called ME back, what other option would there be?  [press 1]

Click - hangs up.

I'm amazed these people can get bills out every month.

China should be honest on Covid origin, says US envoy

1. That's RACIST
2. the government should be honest on where our money goes and what they're up to

I'll Take Childcare for $52 billion, Bob

Biden wants chipmakers to provide childcare if they want billions in free money

Apparently the $52 billion President Giveaway promised has a catch: the businesses have to provide low-cost child care for the employees. But it's ok, some of the $52 billion can go for that.

That money came from your pocket (just added to the debt) and was given to industry. Perhaps we should re-elect him.

Russia fines Wikipedia for publishing facts instead of Kremlin war propaganda

That's right - here in America, every outlet publishes propaganda.

Peruvian delivery man carried ancient mummy around in his bag

"Hi. This is my wife, Neffertitty. We were married 850 years ago today. I told her to stop calling me Bob, but she didn't listen. She'll never do it again."

Adriana Lima: Fifa's appointment of supermodel as fan ambassador in Women's World Cup year criticised

I had a lot of prep work to do before I posted this. Mostly it consisted of looking up FIFA.

I'm pulled in 2 different directions: I love Adriana; she's my favorite Angel. I don't like fifi FIFA. I wonder if her 'work' for fifi FIFA would be in venues not hosting sports, so then I can watch. I'm sure you'll agree that keeping soccer (fsck you, it's bloody soccer) on the tv for the entire 5 hour game hoping to see the Angel is a huge waste of even my time. If she's on during a game, it won't work for me. Wait, perhaps a compromise is in order: after each appearance at a game, she flies to my house to explain it to me. Folks, we have a winner. Even Mrs. lefty would go for this.

Of course every time you use the word 'model' in a business context, there will be whining. Because she's a supermodel, there was superwhining. Blah blah body image blah blah you can't empower women from Victoria's Secret.  Why - do they let men model the goods?  I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of male fifi FIFA fans standing in line to see her ousted.  

Mind you, Adriana is a huge fan and is being used to bring positivity to women playing sports. Can't have that, can we?

The Rabid Religionoid Republican Registry

or What have they done now?

Texas Republican wants ISPs to block a wide range of abortion websites

There guys really need to stop before someone with common sense moves to the state. Or someone who knows law and the Constitution. You know of my bad experiences with vacuums: I demand that all vacuum sites or sites that sell vacuums be banned in my state. It's ridiculous. Hopefully it won't become law.  How can they see what they're signing with their heads so far up their colons?

My crown is made of the finest gold

Mainstream or Pr0n answer:

1. Pie  - pr0n
2. Hardcase  - book

Where is the Central Scrutinizer when you need him?

Your love is like  a cluster of kidney stones

The Air Force’s Drones Can Now Recognize Faces. Uh-Oh.

Isn't that nice? Technology helps the Spy State. But think of the satellites!

Today I identify as  a Girl Scout. Several Girl Scouts.

They say that during certain events, time slows down.

Turns out they're right. I noticed this the other night, attempting to ascend stairs with a large, damp load of laundry. A few steps up, time slowed down as I realized I was going to go backwards, down the steps, without touching any of them. Perhaps I was jealous of Wife's attempt to punish concrete with her head, so I took a shot at it.

I was aware of everything. I had a lot of thoughts, which is sometimes odd for me. Of course I can't remember what any of them were, but I'm sure they were pithy and worthy of thought. I did wonder what sort of damage I'd do to the concrete. I felt each body part hit the floor. Mostly I was worried I might not be around to celebrate Black History Month, which Work notified us of a few hundred times. 

As my adventure ground to a halt, I was pleasantly surprised my cranium did not attempt to damage the floor. A lot of my thinkin' goes on in there. Well, the thinkin that doesn't happen in my butt or my genitals. Mostly I was proud that I was still holding onto the laundry and had not dropped a single damp piece. Because you know that as soon as I brought it up, I would be told it's too damp - take it downstairs and run it through the dryer again. Barring any fatal future falls, I will be here for the entirety of Black History Month. Still no Left Handed History Month.

Which reminds me... my email filters at work seem to be failing, as I got a Black History Month email. Maybe because it was one from one of the Head Honchos. I have all announcements sent to the dump, perhaps by one person. It would be most unfortunate if she sent out an email titled FIRE FIRE - EVACUATE, and I didn't see it because all her emails go to trash. None of this has anything to do with my job, including Nepalese History Month.

Still no Left Handed History Month.

Hey, if you're a T-Mobile customer, here's some news for you:

Hackers Claim They Breached T-Mobile More Than 100 Times in 2022

T-Mobile admitted to 2 breaches, so that's about right.

I'd change to a different carrier if I were you.

"Come to T-Mobile, where our prices are great and our security... isn't."

I know you're sitting there, wondering if the Oscars will be safe for Chris Rock this year,  Worry no more - the Oscar people have put a security team in place for all emergencies. They've trained for all eventualities, except real emergencies, like earthquakes and the refreshment counters being out of Diet Pepsi.

This tool lets you see how much time and money is wasted commuting

It does not let you see how much time and money is wasted playing with the tool.

Every now and then I feel sorry for someone I can't stand or fail to get.

Today's person is Justin Bieber.

He's got some facial paralysis from shingles. He got shingles from a defective chickenpox shot when he was a child. Wanna bet the pox vaccine manufacturer pays for this? 

Because I feel bad for him, I won't even say anything about him desperately wanting to be black, but getting religion instead (because they're so closely related). The sad part is that he plays left handed. I bet he has less trouble getting guitars than I do.

Conversations with my dog 

Me: Why do you stand on Mommy's head in the middle of the night?

Her: to get her to take me outside.

Me: Do you have to go outside?

Her: Not usually.

Me: Then why do you do it?

Her: Just to see if she'll wake you.

Me: She doesn't

Her: That's why I sometimes sleep on your chest.

Kansas’ rights bill angers left with its definition of ‘woman’

The republicans are at it (again). This time they want an objective definition of woman, specifically to preserve single-sex areas such as public restrooms, school sports, prisons and shelters. Strangely, the measure is opposed by transgender rights advocates. Who saw that coming?

“It simply says that in existing statute or law, where there is a definition of sex, it means biological male and female as determined at birth.

Reps claim it's factual and objective. Cuz they're always looking out for us and making things.. uh... easier. Yeah, that's it, easier. Again, nothing better to do. If their work is done, send them home. The silliest argument from the Control Side is that trans people will go to the 'wrong' restroom and perform bad physical acts, not having anything to do with excretion. My last job, at the Twilight Zone, actually allowed this.The end result was everybody using their originally assigned restroom. Some of the women were worried. Your coworker is more concerned with his full bladder than anything you have in or on you. The most vocal opponents were the people who were... be polite... least likely to be 'assaulted.' I was in favor of women in the men's rooms. It would be pretty funny watching them use the urinals. As if one single female ever walked in that door, no matter how long the line at the ladies'. I didn't care who came in the men's room - it didn't affect the point of my visit. We had one lady who complained about something or other going on in the men's room. I suggested not looking in there. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best solution.

What do you suppose would happen if the bill went through and a man identifying as a woman was put in with all the men. I could see things going bad quickly. That's a genuine concern for safety. It also bothers me when women insist on being Boy Scouts. Yes, they won a lawsuit, giving them the right to be groped too, but you'll notice no suit allowing boys to be Girl Scouts. I'd go for that job, but they would want to alter the uniform in spots (even if I identified as female). Plus all the cookies I can eat sell. Sports? I don't want to see anybody get hurt, which essentially means football should be shut down altogether. I guess if there were no female team and the girl was of the same weight class. And she could give as good as she got, because there would be razzing/hazing.They definitely won't be making her wear her jock strap on her head. They'll have to have breast pads made, because she'll constantly be tackled from the breasts. On the other hand, she could completely divert attention while her team scores.

In any case, this is just another example of the religious party wanting to control everything. These are usually the people caught doing what they complained about. (see Television Evangelists). 5 years after the bill passes, one of the male sponsors will be caught, crossdressed, in the ladies' room. The worst part will be that he just didn't pull it off well; he made a very unattractive woman.

Reps/Dems - 2 sides of the same warped coin.

Speaking of which, the reps should be all over this:

Pregnant US inmate seeks jail release because fetus is ‘innocent’

Stupid and ballsy. You have to give her credit. She claims the fetus is being 'held unlawfully.'

The state should countersue because she put the fetus in danger when she allegedly murdered a woman.

This is like a soap opera. Court TV can cover it, with their highest ratings since OJ (has he found the killer yet?).  The father-to-be hired the attorney on behalf of the fetus. I don't know about you, but I want to hear the attorney's conversations with the fetus. Perhaps it will just take the fifth on everything.

Keeping firearms out of easy reach key to preventing military suicides

There's so much here, we'll have to break it down.

• Rather than dealing with the cause of military suicides, we'll hide the guns
• Hey, isn't the military supposed to be armed? Captain, our troops are being slaughtered on the battlefield. Why? Because we took away their guns so they wouldn't commit suicide. Wait, we took away their guns so they wouldn't commit suicide with them. They're free to commit suicide by running out onto the battlefield unarmed. Sir, something's wrong with this, but I can't put my finger on it.
• Recommendations included raising the purchase age to 25 on bases. So people under 25 will have to find a different way to kill themselves.
• a seven-day waiting period to purchase a gun. So they have to wait 7 days to kill themselves.
• another four-day waiting period to purchase ammunition. Because we're going to just disregard the 2nd Amendment.
• The levels this research went to were deep, and deeply flawed. When civilians try to suicide, we don't hide the medicines or steak knives. They get counseling. But I guess when you give people guns and tell them to KILL, stuff just happens. We only value our human assets while they're employed. Afterwards, it's their problem.
• VP Kamila Harris said that only people of color should be allowed to have guns on base
• UC Berkeley said they're not happy with guns, especially if Jews have them.

Like most things in life, there is a corresponding Monty Python sketch, which I can't find on video.

I'd like to leave the army, sir.

Why, Jenkins?

It's dangerous, Sir. 

Why did you join the army in the first place?

For the travel, Sir. 

One of the paltry few rock radio stations here announced their weekend program, which is Greatest Rock Singers. Hmmm... who are the greatest and what's the criteria - range, tightness of clothes, biggest bulge, most groupies? Ok, I'll take a shot...in no particular order, and you'll disagree...

1. Robert Plant
2. Gregg Allman
3. Joe Cocker
4. Freddie Mercury (Queen)
5. Paul Rodgers (Bad Company)
6. Ann Wilson (Heart)
7. Sass Jordan
8. Janis Joplin
9. Delbert McClinton
10. Susan Tedeschi (Tedeschi Trucks)

It should really be called Favorite Singers. If you haven't heard some of the above, check them out on YouTube. A great side effect of the 'contest' is that we can check out some singers we might not know about.

Dear Pennsylvania Voters 

You think I'm just a conspiracy theorist. Here's some solid information. I'll present it to you in order.

John Fetterman was Governor Tom Wolf's lieutenant, advocating lockdowns and arbitrary 'essential' businesses during The Flying AIDS panic. This alone should preclude voting for him.

Fetterman runs against Dr. Oz, who tried to blitz Fetterman about his poor health.

Fetterman said his health was not a problem, in halting stroke-affected speech.

People hated Oz so much, they voted for Fetterman. Or they hated republicans so much. Or both.

Oops, Fetterman was hospitalized twice in the 6 weeks since the election, one for lightheadedness, one recently on the recommendation of Congress' attending physician.

Fetterman has privately acknowledged that his health is worse than he publicly acknowledged.

In other words, he lied. And got into office. Usually the liars and thieves don't get caught this early in their terms. Impeach.

His wife, best described as his staunch supporter, defender, and pit bull, took the kids and went to Canada, as of the most recent hospitalization, perhaps to avoid the press. 

We wish him the best of health and hope for a full recovery. And we want him out of office.