Captivity - Day 34 a clean colon is a happy colon

Every now and then, I remind myself of the ahhhhhhh feeling I get from bathing; usually once a month or so.  Working from home is exhilarating... so many negative things (in-person meetings, clothes, silicone toys, etc). If you're particularly eager to get out of a meeting, tell them you're not wearing anything below your shirt. Or women's underwear - adjust to taste. Or just a bra - people are fascinated by bras (unless it's a guy figuring how to take one off). Then there's the interruptions... PLEASE TELL THE DOG TO STOP BARKING, put a tit in the kid's mouth, why is it that you only become chatty when I'm in a meeting? Does the sound of talking from my phone give it away?

My stomach is getting weird (moreso). It lets me know I'm hungry before I know it. It's not the generic grumble, like normal people have; this kind actually speaks.  When you're sitting there, minding your business, you start hearing stuff. It can even impersonate some of your friends and relatives. So if you hear one of your friends knocking on the door and cursing lightly, it's more of a complaint than a standard. Just the other night I heard it say "How bout some food, doofus?, in my brother's voice. It scares the dog." Lately it has been ordering pizza, in my voice. It also tries to pick up the owner's wife  Even my stomach noises are doing better than me. Mind you, Mrs lefty wants to know why the owner's wife is always knocking at our door..


Speaking of stomach noises, they sound like they're speaking. Even Mrs lefty says so. We're just never sure what language it's speaking. They're pretty loud, especially when they speak to her.

HEY - did you just call me a fatass who couldn't ride a scooter?
Wasn't me. Talk to the stomach.
No, YOU talk to the stomach, when you want some dinner.



Chocolate covered ants
That is all.

I'm not too concerned about the hallucinations because I heard about them while growing up. At that time they were drug-induced. Doing the Science, I don't do drugs (much to the surprise of others), I barely drink and when I do, I drink like a girl. No pills other than prescription (I have my own prescription pad), and I was weaned off lead paint by the age of 22. I miss that delicate taste. Blue really did taste better than brown.

So none of them explain why those just folded towels look like a dog. Fortunately it's not moving.
However, the things that are moving are a little frightening.
Yesterday the stairs slid down and became a water slide. This needs watching, because I use the stairs.

Ya know how you stare at something for a bit and it starts moving? I don't have to wait. As I type, there's a vertical junk storage thingy on the table. Everything in it is moving, but not at the same time. It looks like it might be sending Morse code, but the laugh is on it - I don't know Morse code. The gorilla hand is holding up a car stereo, as it sometimes does. The part that's odd is that it never moves. Til tonight, I guess.  The garbage pile in my office sits next to a cleaning towel, and keeps being Mrs lefty all day. There's a perfect answer for this: even Normies could see it out of the sides of their eyes. Now that I know what it is, I keep looking at it, like it's her.

Oh yeah, I don't take LSD either.

The dog has been resting on the couch most of the night. She has the fascinating ability to disguise herself as a blanket. Even though I know this, I keep looking at her, to make sure she's ok. The radio antenna has got some motion to it, but only at the end. Last and least, soda cans have started appearing on the coffee table. Anyone, even the fashion-impaired, knows you don't put soda cans on a coffee table. Fortunately it's been cleaned. How do I know? Because I can see 1 square inch of the table top. If progress continues at its current speed, I'll see TWO square inches of table top by December!!

Meanwhile, Sir Paul is tuning up in the guitar room, He says I have more lefty guitars than he does.  Stop sucking up, Paul.


Speaking of which, I'm not getting any audio hallucinations.
The top audio hallucination, as reported by Audio Hallucination Magazine, is Taylor Swift. It's not only this maddening - you sing and dance along with it.



One of the main purposes of this blog is actually to document one weirdo's descent into madness. Apparently we just put the water on to boil.

Captivity - Day 33 It's raining ferrets

Like the damn thing up top says, we're into day 33 of captivity.
It's not at all punchy or violent. No weapons were pulled from the safe. No safe was there to pull the weapons from. It was a test, officer. I swear.

I suspect the wife and dog are against me. I hear them up all night, plotting and planting. What use is planting for me?
Must watch carefully...


I was going to start exercising, but when the Weather Guy said there may be snow toward the end of the year, I had to call it off. No use getting my chops together, only to find it's snowing.


It's a nice-looking morning, especially discovering that the medicine you got to calm down the side-effects of the other medicines, requires another med to stop its own side effects. This is the Shakespeare of Pill Pushing. Hopefully this will stop the body from randomly throwing itself at the ground.  *Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing."  - Douglas Adams


Let's try to make something positive of this.
ummmm..... I didn't have to mow yesterday?


I just got a stack of birthday cards. It was really nice.
I feel bad, so I won't tell them they're off by a few weeks.

The doctor told me to exercise.
He wouldn't take NO for an answer.
He didn't even believe that exercise causes cancer.
It took me hours to put together the scholarly research project, all for nought.



You've probably never seen anything like it, but I successfully flipped a pizza in the air, then it landed on the oven. I wasn't trying. You know if I tried, it would have cut itself into slices, got out some paper plates, and served itself to the ThermionicEmissions staff. It was kinda fascinating to look at Naked Pizza. Take everything off and you're left with crust tinted red.
To make things more interesting, the dishes staged a revolt. As I washed, things started to leap into the sink; either suicidal, or just to piss me off. Or both. Everybody headed for the Safe Room, but I explained what happened and they went to the Safe Room instead. 3 minutes later, the dried dishes joined forces with the dirty dishes, and it was ON. The off the rails moment was when a huge baking sheet flew itself at the ground. Practicing my newfound calm, it only made it to the roof. I gave up doing the dishes at that point,  because I was worried about getting sliced up. It took another 20 minutes for the circus to stop and pack itself up. We have knives so sharp, if you even look at them, they'll cut off body parts. It's like the Amityville Horror, but with a really gorgeous dog.

Hey wait... we could do a reality show live from lefty place, and bring in a different exorcist every week. We could follow them around, asking really stupid questions. We could ask how the SM4 (Stupid Monitor) meter works and how many minutes it took to assemble it. One of the hosts will be an attractive female. At the end of every show, she'll get slimed. For some unknown reason, she never wears a bra...



It takes a lot very little to make me angry, up to and including flamethrowers.
When the ground starts shaking, low pitched growling noises, and many other socially difficult stunts, Mrs lefty grabs the dog and runs for cover. There are only 2 things that really get me going: Calling for support and purchasing something online. Well, let's start by listing commonalities... a phone, a computer, English as a second language and me.  My browsers are so locked down that even I can't use them. It can take 8 browsers and 2 operating systems to make it through the transaction, plus a lot of screaming (but I am never rude to the person on the other end of the phone). I made a reasonable suggestion never to use a Social Security number for identification. She kept repeating that it was necessary for identification. Lovely script, no?


RING RING...
blah blah blah para primo pressy numero 13.
silence
Would you like to open your card?
If I didn't, why would I be calling you?
I need your SS#
No you don't. How come the Magic Phone Lady wants the last 4 and you want the whole thing?
It is for identification.
We shouldn't be using SS# for ID
We are just trying to identify you.
You mean all the info I gave you, including size of my ahem..., wasn't enough? No, you may NOT take a measurement for me.

It got downright hysterical when I called Comcast. Their server had an aneurysm when I asked it to do something. Then I got to play 14 rounds of CAPTCHA fun. How many buses can you spot in these blurry boxes? None - the boxes are too blurry. I have to give them credit: I got it all done on their page. Now they can fire customer service people. And you can't do anything because Comcast owns everything Disney doesn't.




Sad news this morning: work lost one to the Flying AIDS. He had gloves, mask and other protective gear.  We salute him and hope for the best for those left behind.

first tube on the Moon

Captivity - Day 32 WHO, UN, FCC, GTFO

It's Day 32 of our World Mask Countup



The sun is out. Like I said, it's a trap. It was really cold. Then it snowed for a bit, then sun again. I gave up trying. Unfortunately so did the sun, but there are plenty of people over the world, getting it wrong. They're called weathermen. And women.


Today's act of civil disobedience is driving around your area with no seatbelts and no mask. * you're gonna need balls - Philly police are known to carry garden hose, which doesn't leave marks. Plus most of the cops have a lot of free time on their hands, after announcing they will not show up for minor crime. They are not kidding.. I saw a convenience store with 6 police cars parked. Someone robbed the place and ran out. The store owner asked if the police were going to do something about it. The bastard had the nerve to interrupt donuts. The police asked if they called 911. Nope. They asked if he had a gun. Nope. They told the poor guy they're not allowed to work minor crimes unless there's a gun involved, then went back to their jelly donuts.

So if you ever need the Philly PD, you have to phrase your request thusly:  Hello 911? I'd like to report my neighbor for having grass over the 3" limit. AND SHE HAS A GUN!



I think the doctor needs to adjust my medicine.
I'm sitting there, minding my own business, when out of the corner of my eye, a blanket had turned into the dog.  Everyone did LSD when they were young, but it wasn't as effective as what I was seeing.  A long shard of cardboard started moving. I worked out that if Penny wasn't eating it, it was not moving. I have to admit that jamming with Jimi Hendrix was pretty mind-blowing. Hmmmm,,, I wonder if I really want this 'fixed..'

• I'd get way more work done if the cabinets and chairs would stop getting all melty

I do not want to shelter-in-place; I don't care if it's Mila Kunis' place.
That would not be good.

Hello, Honey?
If you haven't heard, Idiot Governor says we have to shelter-in- place.
What does that mean?
You have to stay indoors, in a place.
When are you coming home?
We'll have to ask Idiot Governor.
Where are you?
Mila Kunis' place.
WHAT are you doing at Mila Kunis' place?
You know these stars - none of them can operate a toothbrush, unless there's a toothbrush app in their iDevice. Do you have any idea how hard it is to use 'that pose'? They buy the phones and then spend 14 days learning how to make it look natural.



Governments across the globe are talking about when to let people out of their homes. The World Health Organization, largely seen as as cash hole, is struggling (to come up with something fund-able), but they're hiding behind the UN, where no one would bother looking for them. I've seen grown men offer to cut off a limb, cook it, and eat with his best friends, rather than go to the UN.

President says we're de-funding World Health Organization.
Out of nowhere, WHO says, "Trust us. The worst is ahead of us."
"We're not kidding."
"We're the WHO - trust us."
"We've gone through billions of dollars this calendar year."
"The Center for Disease Control butt-dialed us once.
"Trust us. Please. We're the frickin' WHO"
Well, it's a secret, but trust us. We're spot on here.
Think of the tax writeoffs!
WHO wears masks normally? US.
How do you know this?  State secret. Trust us.
We saw what was happening and bought tons of masks. No, they're for us
If you fund us now, we'll throw in the UN.

It’s only days until Gucci, Coach, and Target bring out their designer masks.

You would not be caught dead in a generic white mask.

It’s way too early to wear white.

There's a Walmart mask, but no one will wear it. The kids would rather die from the Flying AIDS than wear that mask. It's full of graffiti and diapers - the mask too. Children will be behind in life because their parents cannot afford Gucci masks. There will be thefts. A black market on the Dark Web.

Somebody call the Fashion Police!  

There's what sounds like a Saturn 5 rocket launch happening next door.

After 2 days of cutting, planting, and serving as the only nice place on the block, the fuel truck is in place and working. They have one of those elevator thingies so you can get to the top, where the best seats are. I don't know a lot about rocketry, but I think there's going to be a bit of damage done to the rest of the block. Idiot Mayor won't do anything until we remind him that there was a black, Jewish, lesbian, vegan on the flight.

Captivity - Day 31 My companion elephant is worried

Hey, ho,
it's another Monday
yo.

Mondays are flowing by at a snail's pace, largely because Mondays look like Saturdays. Are we a little batty, having been locked in?


In eastern Pennsylvania, a war is brewing.
People on the east side vs people on the west.
The contention is about the proper word for 'you' plural.
Pittsburgh says yinz
Philly says yous
And that's it for today. Bob - tell them what they won!


Is it better to see things and know you're hallucinating, or to go "wow man, that's some wild shit."  (asking for a friend)


States bereft of the Flying AIDS are few; New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania. New York because dey gotta tude. New Jersey because it's South New York, and Pennsylvania because we have Idiot Governor to do harm. No matter, When Trump says something, Governors lift their hands and say NO.  - they will torture their citizens in their own way. And that way can include chain, stockings, more taxes, and specialty rubber bands. The last thing is a lawn sign that states hate is not allowed here, as the parties start to hate each other.


We can't tell if the weather is going to be green or brown, but that old dude is still loading animals on his boat.


I 'forgot' to read much news over the weekend, so I don't know if there were any acts of stupidity from Idiot Governor. It's a fair bet that there are. California governor Gavin Newsom is already sending checks to illegal aliens. By next week, he will start taking furniture from the Governer's Mansion and giving that away too. If he has any of those HUGE Caddy/Lincolns, I'll feign homelessness for it. I'd poop all over his office. He would say the illegals have come a long way and hand them 2 checks for $1,200 and a city job, displacing the American workers. Did somebody put his brain back in the wrong way?

How was your weekend?
There was a weekend? Why didn't anyone tell me?


Today I identify as   the white Strat Jimi Hendrix played at Woodstock.


Continuing the Science series, we have learned that lawn mowers cannot become airborne with a human propulsion device attached. Today we're going to learn just how much force the human propulsion device needs to successfully. make it through your basic bay window. I'd get one of those plexiglas shields the stores have now. Also some hearing protectors, in case your wife is in the neighborhood.

Coming up next week: why does it hurt when I pee?


So I was wondering what the day had in store for me. I didn't have to wait long...
Wife and Dog running around house. Then bedrooms, Penny shrieking and whining. What happened? There was a bird in the house. Wife wanted it GONE, dog thinks they're tasty. She catches them outside. I then get a correction: 2 birds in the house. This is actually the second time this has happened. Wife suspects a window. The window she suspects is just over there, way up in the air, like a fork. Picture any ladder, then 2 acrophobes, terrified to climb them. But Wait!!! they're over 8' under the window, and you can't put most ladders on steps. So if you played 8, you're in pretty good shape now.

Captivity Day 30 I see fire engines. Don't you?

Although my math isn't great, I've been sending these missives. Since it's 30, that's a month, hence we've been stuck in the house. Mrs lefty somehow needed to go shopping, but all the badass shoe stores were closed. You could say shopping was her favorite activity.

Don't poo-poo shopping. My mother likes a bit of retail therapy too, but in a different way. Mom loves to go shopping, then returns some things a few days later. We never know why, but talking about it would give us those headaches that require Heavy Medicine from a specialist.

I keep watching her with the bags and while no one's looking, I can see the shoebox, unless they changed color.  Like last year. None of the really cool stores are open, because Idiot Governor waved his magic stick and POOF - the store was closed.  In what universe are shoes not essential? I type with my love reading over my shoulder because sharing her burdens and acknowledge their issues. She says this sort of brings out my female side.

I have no female side. I am not gay. I have no alters. If I were to have a female side, one or more of us would be dead. Poor Mrs lefty: having to live with me, tolerate me well, and all that mind-boggling boom-boom... It's only a problem 4 times a year.

So we're as close to normal as a ouija board.  We were as close to the Normies as possible. The only way to track her down would be heading to all of the local malls and parking. It's like a little slice of heaven. But they're closed. It's like a little slice of hell.

• Today I identify as  an Arbys

It was interesting weather, with sun all day; just now it's either partially sunny or partly cloudy. I slept through meteorology course, so I'm of little help. Either that or I slept through it. It seems that the people with degrees. the Snots, are not getting what they feel they're owed. The non-Snots, with half a diploma each, are calling from their work phone and giving them the NYAH NYAH SALUTE. The Stoners want to know what is this graduation thing, and they get a few tokes in early? The jocks are busy calling some kid a faggot and beating him up. So all is normal.

• ignore this

Captivity - Day 29 That is NOT a turkey baster

lefty - give us some content. We're starved and the store has been out of S'mores Pop Tarts for weeks.

I've always said that it's the small things.
I've always asked for very little (and that's what I got)
The tv commercials laud firefighters, nurses, and police.
I'm truly impressed with the decent folks at my supermarket, because they finally had Gif peanut butter. It's not that I have problems with any other butters. It's just their saying: choosy mothers choose Gif.
Of course they choose Gif - their children say it tastes best. What the little bastards don't know is that Gif has the most sugar of any peanut butter. This explains my desire to eat it. Speaking of little bastards and sugar, I used to enjoy a captive audience when the family went out for dinner. I'd tell my family no appetizers, then take a Sugar Snack. What is a Sugar Snake, you ask? Grab a sugar packet, open, and pour directly into mouth.  Mom was not impressed
I enjoyed it.

The whole scheme falls apart at iHOP, where their sugar packs are way under a spoonful. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!


I awoke with a start: it was only 9:30.
I can't face reality at that hour on what I'm assured is Saturday.
It is green, according to the forecast.

Most forecasts here fall into these categories:
Partly cloudy, partially sunny, clouds, rain clouds, overcast clouds, scattered clouds, broken clouds, light clouds, a bit of cloud cover, chance of lizards falling on your head, etc.

You know what love is?
It's someone who turns the Keurig on before I get out of bed, so it will be ready for me.  It's someone who never points out that your gut is expanding, then shops for candy and cookies, making sure the life insurance is paid up. She thinks I don't know about this. If I don't blog within 48 hours, they will never find my body.

Speaking of iHOP, I was recently made aware of hair extensions, to make the actress' hair look longer. I wonder, if they hook many of the together, they could cover the parts of my head that parachuted to the ground.


If your SO or date, says "O.M.G." out loud, RUN. You still have time to ditch her. Tell her you need to go potty, leap the kitchen, and fly out the back door. Don't worry about the cooks - they see this shit all day. "Look, Bob, there's another one. Poor guy. What are we up to today?  I think it's three. Who wins the poll today? We have a few hours to go and Bryan is coming  in at 6. Cuz you know that OMG leads to "It was the best -- EVAHHHHHH"



How to Wake Your SO:

• trip over the convenient placed aluminum foil, screaming, then fall on the bed, with everything in the jar rattling on the bed. and curse loudly
• After the glass breaks into a million pieces, SO will look up at you. Tell them you were trying to be quiet so you wouldn't wake them.
• siren in a can
• router and circular saw in the bedroom, just in case you need them overnight
• impromptu guitar solo
• hang a few pictures
• vacuum
• get a baton and conduct the Pennsylvania Royal Marching Band, as they drop their instruments one by one, near the bed. "Oh, did I wake you? I didn't mean to. You told me you liked marching bands.

Not that I will ever have this problem. It's an entirely different paradigm (sorry, had to use that word today) I have to get in bed. The room is dark, but I can find my way to the bed. This is where the fun starts: Wife is sleeping, but parts of her body are still awake. One foot starts doing Stuff. It twitches, it moves back and forth, and if you ask nicely, it will give you the winning numbers for the next lottery. While this is going on, she has somehow managed to get her leg completely over most of my side of the bed, except the other one hangs off the bed. Let's add in the dog. Penny only sleeps on the bed, and since her coloring matches my blanket, I can't find her in the light or the dark. Now I'm relegated to the 1' left on the entire bed. When I get there, things do not end. Penny races me to my pillow and licks my face until we have to pull her off (just my luck - I do better with dogs than women. Lastly, my companion elephant has to sleep on the floor.

At this point it starts to get ugly(er). Where is my pillow? Ah, yes, down on the floor. Where is my blanket?  Looking around in the dark, I notice the bedding on the floor, opposite the pillow. Furthermore, 30% of the bedding is on the bed, having been pulled by the dog., and 70% is at the bottom. Every night..I ask myself what fresh hell awaits me tonight. It's always the dog. At least when I ask Wife. She's fun in the bedroom, but not in the direction you're thinking. She can sleep 2" over the pillow-we often have interesting conversations.

Honey, are you ok?

Yes, why?

It might be a good idea to sleep on the pillow.

Huh?

It might be a good idea to sleep on the pillow - you might hurt your neck.

I'm already sleeping.

You're sleeping 2" over the pillow.

No I'm not.

I don't want to argue with you, but I'm watching your head 2" above the pillow.

No I'm not.

Can you levitate yourself over the entire bed? That would be awesome.

Captivity - Day 28 Who has my rectal thermometer

Let's use our new words in a sentence:
We have flattened the curve, using social distancing and sheltering-in-place.


Remember - if you're sheltering-in-place, you don't have to wash your hands.



RIP Brian Dennehy (81), natural causes (at 81?)



I had vanilla yogurt this morning. There is nothing on the bottom to mix, like fruit yogurt. There goes my exercise today.


The neighbor's at it again, after 8 hours yesterday.
I looked it up and discovered that if you're planting grass by the blade, you have to come back the next day to polish it.


IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!
Well, technically. The only difference between tomorrow is sleeping late (that's a good thing).


"Speaking of jail, there's this: "Quarantine leads to murder"
and this
"Cannabalism suspected in Brooklyn"

Idiot Governor hasn't said anything about this, but I'm going to go ahead and give you the Stay out of New Yawk suggestion.



The doctor finally got his teleconference software operating (with the help of the 13 year old kid from next door. He prescribed some new medicine.

I don't want another pill, Doc. The idea is to decrease the meds.
What's it for?

It stops your ears from dancing all the time, like you're doing now.

But you have to remember to cut down on your connoflavin.

But Doc - that stuff saved my life 10 years ago. If I take less of it, well... do you want me to come to your office with a large, automatic weapon and some panties?

Ah, Mr lefty, I see your point. Here's what we'll do.
You take the connoflavin  and remove the corners - that should help.
Now I'll give you this prescripton.

For what?

Well, it's an anti-resin complex with triple A's. As I said before, it keeps your ears quiet, It will help you fix the car, and call your mother-in law rude names. It's for taking care of the nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea that the other pills may cause. Make sure you're not pregnant.

Hmmmmm, maybe I'll take the prescription after all.

Captivity - Cay 27 Run to the light

I got a look at what it will be like when I'm old yesterday, after proving that people can't fly (at least with a mower). I looked like a 90 year old, with mower-related injuries. Since it was a very real injury, I want to use it to my advantage - no mowing for at least 10 years. My psychic abilities tell me this will work almost as well as Joe Biden's mind, or Trump's attempts at subtlety.

I can't help noticing that it was very early this morning.

Statistics, that I just made up, says 1 in 7 in New York residents may have the Flying AIDS.  Because of this, we need to put a fence around California.

Today I identify as  the same thing I identified as yesterday, and likely the same thing I will identify as tomorrow.

It's a bad time to be in PA. Generally.

You want to avoid public transportation. Last week, 10 police stormed a bus to remove a lady not wearing a mask. Last night, a man shot 3 teenagers in self-defense. While the system is giving out masks, perhaps they should switch to bulletproof vests. UPDATE: riders are stealing the masks.

Idiot Governor made masks mandatory and when he was done, said he plans to veto legislation allowing some businesses to run. ACHTUNG DUMBKOPF!  Since Herr Fuhrer mandated masks, let's open the businesses.

Whenever you think Idiot Governor, thank your deity that you're not in California, where the governor is handing out $500 checks to illegal aliens. Statistically there has to be somebody with some sense in the entire state.

Idiot Governor will quietly approve a measure next week that requires all cars to wear masks. 

In Philly, where health workers are needed, they're being furloughed because the Flying AIDS is hurting the hospitals' bottom line.

Masks, as mandated, are still hard to come by. Suggested is making your own. Sometimes you have to use alternate materials:

• car stereo (remove from car first)
• China (turnabout is fair play)
• dining room table
• Aunt Margaret, who you never really got along with
• bra (over 38C for maximum protection)
• If you want maximum social distancing, Judge Judy (come near me and I'll talk to you)
• steal someone else's

I need to make a music CD for the car. For some reason, probably because I don't work at a place with them, I'm completely out. Where does one get blank CDs? Amazon does not consider them essential; my car does. Drug stores have them, at $9.99 for one. Hey - there's Best Buy! They now have curbside service. WTF is curbside service for audio? Do you yell across the lot to any convenient employee "HEY, I WANT SOME BLANK CDs"? He goes inside and comes out with the closest thing they have: a home audio system, with couch and 74" tv. No, No, No, you explain, and show him a CD in your car.  The lightbulb goes off over Darwin's head. He returns with an iPad.  Darwin suggests you use the app. The app wants permissions to your contacts and your underwear size. Finally you give up and go home. You order over the web, which tells you that it's ok to pick up. In the parking lot of the store you were just at. In fact, your cheerful sales associate, Darwin, will be happy to help you. You go home and wait til Amazon starts selling everything else.

People are pissed. People are concerned about privacy and government bullshit. People are protesting - in the streets. It makes me proud that people finally care enough to actually turn off the Wednesday Night Furries and DO SOMETHING. That is all.

Captivity - Day 26 Social Distancing from my family

Probably because the manufacturing is done cheaply, I tend to scratch the letters off keyboards. Last week it was M and N. Even though I don't look at the keyboard, I'm now mixing up N and M. It's like I've got eyes in my fingers. Or maybe I've been inside too long.....

Since the last vacuum fought and won, tonight is the really cheap vacuum. I'm saying this because maybe if I say it, I'll actually do it. Odds are strictly against it.

I got an email from my car: it misses me.

So does the vacuum.

The doctor called, checking on the new medicine. I told him to hold on, while I caught the purple giraffe in the kitchen. He said something about dosage adjustment and got off the phone quickly....

I have a harem at work. Working from home is making things very difficult.(especially the spankings)...

When your doctor does telemedicine and can't quite get the video working, should you find a different doctor? Good thing it's not the psychiatrist.

I would stand 3' from a random stranger, not wear a mask, go out for no particular purpose, drive 95 mph, not shelter-in-place, and sit inside a restaurant, all so I could go to a guitar show. I miss them, like Madonna misses facelifts.

Another side effect of the constant rain is that the grass grows like mad. As we know, I'd rather cut my own limbs off than mow. That said, the neighbors have taken up mowing. Working from home has lost its luster. The next door neighbors are now dueling with the electric tool neighbors for stereo cacophany supremacy. The next door neighbor doesn't have a lot of grass, so I think she's mowing the same patch over and over again, to annoy me. 8 hours later, still going. Perhaps they're replanting the grass, one blade at a time.

UPDATE: I vacuumed AND mowed. The ($&#ing mower took me for a header on the steps. Neighbors are already nervous - I can't shoot the thing.

Mrs lefty goes food shopping more now than before Idiot Governor ordered everyone confined to quarters. Shoe stores have not been declared essential (Idiot Governor has very few women on his staff). Perhaps I need to do a bag check. Some Targets will let you buy food but not clothes. "That?" That's been there for weeks. It's for my mom."

"That guitar? It's been there for weeks. It's for your mom."

===============================

This is where I put the good wishes, concern, and touchy-feely stuff.

Since I'm not doing that today, you can get f'd.

Captivity - Day 25 the bugs... they're everywhere!

Day 25.
I think she's stealing my staples.
I haven't caught her (yet), but I think she is.
I'm setting up a video camera so I can catch her.
The dog's in on it too. She's walking around with a package of crayons. As we know, crayons are a gateway to staples.
She thinks I don't count them...




In these troubled times, we need something to differentiate the weekend from the week. I suggested sex, as I do for everything. She said she's not having sex all weekend. I told her I agreed- we could have sex all week, and leave the weekends free for Other Stuff. I was no secret before she married me, but I'm a hell of an upgrade from the last one, who was known to dress like Wonder Woman and watch that porn where guys pay 400lb women to watch them eat. Or the other one, who liked to cover himself in mayonnaise and ride children's slides in the park. Boy, were her parents happy to see me.

Not only do I have a skewed sense of humor, my body does too. It gave me a fever on Sunday.  Very funny, guys. It lasted a day, so you're in no danger reading this.


The commute was a bitch this morning. Some long-haired bimbette tried to cut me off, down by the 3rd step. I gave her the finger. Will try again tonight.




ALERT THE POLICE: we expect to be walking the dog after dinner.
We're somewhat up in the air, as we've received no guidance from Idiot Governor on social distancing from the dog.


John Conway, the inventor of the game Life, has died of the Flying AIDS,
Even I'm not going to touch that.



I've been dreaming fondly of going to the mall. Any mall.
Sometimes I drive there and sit in the parking lot, just to be close to it.
I know the state police will arrest me, but it's worth it. I miss:

• the food court, in which I'd never eat
• The ladies' shoe stores
• 17 cell phone stores, one of which I'd enter
• foreign guys spraying perfume on me
• Chilis: you wait an hour for your food, unless you're the only person in the restaurant, then you wait an hour and a half
• Chik Filet, which has gone from Closed on Sunday to Closed Always
• I long for my favorite ride: the car wash. Maybe, if I've been good all week, an oil change too.
• Victoria's Secret: so I can get tackled by very good-looking sales associates, who, in real life, would cross the street, rather than walk on my side
• Idiot Governor, screwing us in the normal way, not with masks

Captivity - Day 24 E@$(ewqr5846

The weather is perfect for Monday: brown, disgusting, and raining like mad. If you're not watching carefully, it might not register that it's Monday. This might also have something to do with what you inhaled or took or drank over the weekend. They say if your head hurts that badly, stay home.  Get it - stay home? It's one of those days when there's no point in opening the curtains - it will just suck the existing light out of your house. That was until 4:30, when the sun shined brightly. I told Mrs lefty I'd take out the trash when it stopped raining, figuring that would be sometime next week, but out it went. I had to think about it for a minute: we have no guidance from Idiot Governor as concerns trash, so I didn't know whether to take it out. Mrs lefty was not buying, so I took it out, waiting for the inevitable sirens of the state police to baton me half to death. No, wait - rubber hoses don't leave marks.

The thunder was interesting.. it sounded like a truck dragging a dozen 4x8 sheets of plywood up and down the street. Or me, after a particularly rich dinner. Neither of us usually goes that long, hence my confusion.

Since I wasn't working, Wife reminded me I could spend some time cleaning.
She told me this as she went for a nap. She was right, so I went for a nap too.

I vacuumed the other day. My bad history with vacuums goes back years and years. 2 long-haired people, 4 dogs, 2 cats, and 4 metric tonnes of dust later, we have a foreboding task, so the vacuum breaks. Every vacuum breaks. From the most expensive to the cheap. And now my quadrupedal assistant has taken to helping. I noticed the latest vacuum sucked. It largely pushed the dirt around. I kept launching it and swearing it needed to DIE. Then I got frustrated that I was beaten by a vacuum. I took this *#&@ing thing apart from top to bottom, including the beater brush, which was building a new dog. Still pushing the dirt around. Still making the foul machine airborne. The amount of suckage was able to pull some junk up, so it looked better. This vacuum sucks,

Traffic was interesting this morning. The dog had 6 toys in one pile on the steps. This makes her the only occupant of the house who cleans regularly. Naturally there was a 1 mile backup as everyone stopped to gawk.



Don't forget - this is the highest holiday: Easter Candy Sale Monday! Get out there and purchase some highly-discounted, deemed-essential chocolates. I'm partial to butter cream.

Speaking of which, we're trying to get Idiot Governor deemed non-essential.



Anybody know where I can get a good virtual haircut?



I just took a header, walking into my office. Mrs lefty saw it happen, with quiet amusement. This is the first time I ever fell in my office; I've been cleaning it, for once. So now I feel I should stop cleaning it, for my own health. I will not die of old age; the house will kill me. Let Mrs lefty smirk - she trips over flat surfaces.


Speaking of headers, it's windy. I think someone's car blew by the window. The guy behind the wheel didn't look too happy.


I got my government check today.
What I can't get is official word on who's paying for this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Europe is reporting increasing amounts of domestic violence during enforced shelter-in-place. Add to this a large number of people with behavioral issues, including the undiagnosed ones, and you have the perfect recipe for Painful Stew. If you're experiencing either of these, there are phone numbers to call for help. Therapists are doing work over the phone or video chat. Please reach out. It can get better.

Somebody told me something that sticks with me to this day: "You deserve better."

I do not say this out of altruism - I just can't afford to lose any readers.

Captivity - Day 23 Get out the knives...

The other people in the trench reminded me it's Easter.
Happy(?) Easter to those who celebrate.

Mrs lefty, an escaped Catholic, has her hands full with me on a daily basis, but it gets worse around this time of year. She keeps trying to explain 'He is Risen' to me because I never see Him. It only makes sense if He is risen, that you can see Him. He'd be off doing miracles and giving the Vatican what it deserves. Does He rise only once a year and I keep missing Him? Mother-in-law calls to ask if Wife was making mass for the neighbors. I got really excited and asked if she was making mass cookies. Alas, no.

Now that I think about it, the poor wife could get by on sympathy donations from my readers.  What really frightens me about Mrs lefty is that she watches those Home Shopping Network channels. That's not bad, but she keeps switching over from other channels. She knows the hosts' names. She knows the descriptions of all the clothes and the models. The worst is that she's now calling jewelry 'pieces' (that's a nice piece). If she fails to order weekly, the Vice President of Sales calls to make sure she's ok.


So don't forget Easter Candy Sale Monday. After a massive campaign, we got Idiot Governor to declare candy essential (what an idiot), so get out there and save at least 50%. Just remember to social distance. If a store refuses to sell you candy, call Idiot Governor before the national guard shows up. It's bad enough they've taken our liberty: THEY'RE NOT GETTING THEIR FILTHY HANDS ON OUR SALE CANDY. Out forefathers did not fight and die so we couldn't take advantage of post-Easter candy sales.  *obligatory reminder: keep the dog away from the chocolate candy. Also the fat kid. Keep dogs and cats away from grapes, and cats away from onions and poinsettia.


It's partly cloudy with a chance of partly sunny. Again, this is a trap; It's 32. That's 497 metric. Mrs lefty wants to go out. Where, I wonder. Just for a ride. This is where trouble starts (see - it's not always me). Maybe we can ride around, making notes of which businesses are open. Or take down license plate numbers, so people think we're cops and panic. We're under cover. Wayyy under cover. We're so shut in that McDonald's is starting to sound good. Maybe we can drive around, order stuff, then drive around again. We wouldn't actually eat the stuff, but we could drive around a few times. We're in the middle of getting Idiot Governor declared non-essential.

Captivity - Day 22........... or whatever

Yay - it's the weekend!
How do I know?
It's just like the week, but without an alarm.

Mrs lefty is so bored she wants to do refuse work, provided it's out of the house, takes longer than a few hours, and doesn't involve me.  I can't blame her.


Somebody is watching Twilight Zone on tv, or rather the tv is on with Twilight Zone playing. I suspect the tv makes up 56% of our electric bill, but only 15% of our time. It's like an MP3 player with pictures. I can't really operate it but I set it up. The remote's MUTE key has the paint scrubbed off because I don't want to hear it: I figure if the unseen entities want to watch tv and drive the bills up, at least they can do it silently, without annoying the hell out of me. Besides - I don't get this Twilight Zone thing... people tell me it scared the hell out of them when they were younger. They saw it as black and scary. I see it as just another day, where pictures come alive, stuff flies around the room, and a virus keeps the world home.  If I could reach the remote, on the other side of the couch, I'd turn the sound on - this episode is directed by John Aston - Gomez from the Addams Family. Talk about typecasting - no matter what the guy did, he was Gomez.


By the way, if you experienced death, call 1-888-SUE-NOW and a member of our ambulance chasers legal team will be there faster than you can say Philadelphia lawyer.


Then the commercials started:

Hey, Mr ex-Football Player, how do you still look so great?

Well, I take Dicktosterone.

What's that?

As a man gets older, he loses certain potencies and his wife starts to complain.

What does Dicktosterone do for you?

It makes me look buff, makes my skin shine, and makes my wife complain.
It's like Viagra without a prescription. I can go all night. Now my wife complains about being sore and having a trapeze over the bed. There's no pleasing that woman. Well, you know what I mean.


Watching tv is dangerous. I did learn something, though: 60% of women wear the wrong size pad.


It's unprecedented, but the sun's out!
It's a trap.
I know this because we're bored out of our skulls and have to entertain ourselves any way we can. Much like this blog, we make stuff up.
It looks inviting, sure. But open the door and it's 32 degrees. Children are stuck to the road, except little Billy, whose tongue has been stuck to the light pole for 2 years. They have to make him a coffin that will accommodate a light pole too.



It's not that we've been married too long, but I get all excited when I wake up with another head on my pillow. I smile, because I love her a lot and tell her all the time. The wife is snoring away on her side of the bed; I'm talking about the dog.