I think she's stealing my staples.
I haven't caught her (yet), but I think she is.
I'm setting up a video camera so I can catch her.
The dog's in on it too. She's walking around with a package of crayons. As we know, crayons are a gateway to staples.
She thinks I don't count them...
In these troubled times, we need something to differentiate the weekend from the week. I suggested sex, as I do for everything. She said she's not having sex all weekend. I told her I agreed- we could have sex all week, and leave the weekends free for Other Stuff. I was no secret before she married me, but I'm a hell of an upgrade from the last one, who was known to dress like Wonder Woman and watch that porn where guys pay 400lb women to watch them eat. Or the other one, who liked to cover himself in mayonnaise and ride children's slides in the park. Boy, were her parents happy to see me.
Not only do I have a skewed sense of humor, my body does too. It gave me a fever on Sunday. Very funny, guys. It lasted a day, so you're in no danger reading this.
The commute was a bitch this morning. Some long-haired bimbette tried to cut me off, down by the 3rd step. I gave her the finger. Will try again tonight.
ALERT THE POLICE: we expect to be walking the dog after dinner.
We're somewhat up in the air, as we've received no guidance from Idiot Governor on social distancing from the dog.
John Conway, the inventor of the game Life, has died of the Flying AIDS,
Even I'm not going to touch that.
I've been dreaming fondly of going to the mall. Any mall.
Sometimes I drive there and sit in the parking lot, just to be close to it.
I know the state police will arrest me, but it's worth it. I miss:
- the food court, in which I'd never eat
- The ladies' shoe stores
- 17 cell phone stores, one of which I'd enter
- foreign guys spraying perfume on me
- Chilis: you wait an hour for your food, unless you're the only person in the restaurant, then you wait an hour and a half
- Chik Filet, which has gone from Closed on Sunday to Closed Always
- I long for my favorite ride: the car wash. Maybe, if I've been good all week, an oil change too.
- Victoria's Secret: so I can get tackled by very good-looking sales associates, who, in real life, would cross the street, rather than walk on my side
- Idiot Governor, screwing us in the normal way, not with masks
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