I've always said that it's the small things.
I've always asked for very little (and that's what I got)
The tv commercials laud firefighters, nurses, and police.
I'm truly impressed with the decent folks at my supermarket, because they finally had Gif peanut butter. It's not that I have problems with any other butters. It's just their saying: choosy mothers choose Gif.
Of course they choose Gif - their children say it tastes best. What the little bastards don't know is that Gif has the most sugar of any peanut butter. This explains my desire to eat it. Speaking of little bastards and sugar, I used to enjoy a captive audience when the family went out for dinner. I'd tell my family no appetizers, then take a Sugar Snack. What is a Sugar Snake, you ask? Grab a sugar packet, open, and pour directly into mouth. Mom was not impressed
I enjoyed it.
The whole scheme falls apart at iHOP, where their sugar packs are way under a spoonful. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!
I awoke with a start: it was only 9:30.
I can't face reality at that hour on what I'm assured is Saturday.
It is green, according to the forecast.
Most forecasts here fall into these categories:
Partly cloudy, partially sunny, clouds, rain clouds, overcast clouds, scattered clouds, broken clouds, light clouds, a bit of cloud cover, chance of lizards falling on your head, etc.
You know what love is?
It's someone who turns the Keurig on before I get out of bed, so it will be ready for me. It's someone who never points out that your gut is expanding, then shops for candy and cookies, making sure the life insurance is paid up. She thinks I don't know about this. If I don't blog within 48 hours, they will never find my body.
Speaking of iHOP, I was recently made aware of hair extensions, to make the actress' hair look longer. I wonder, if they hook many of the together, they could cover the parts of my head that parachuted to the ground.
If your SO or date, says "O.M.G." out loud, RUN. You still have time to ditch her. Tell her you need to go potty, leap the kitchen, and fly out the back door. Don't worry about the cooks - they see this shit all day. "Look, Bob, there's another one. Poor guy. What are we up to today? I think it's three. Who wins the poll today? We have a few hours to go and Bryan is coming in at 6. Cuz you know that OMG leads to "It was the best -- EVAHHHHHH"
How to Wake Your SO:
- trip over the convenient placed aluminum foil, screaming, then fall on the bed, with everything in the jar rattling on the bed. and curse loudly
- After the glass breaks into a million pieces, SO will look up at you. Tell them you were trying to be quiet so you wouldn't wake them.
- siren in a can
- router and circular saw in the bedroom, just in case you need them overnight
- impromptu guitar solo
- hang a few pictures
- vacuum
- get a baton and conduct the Pennsylvania Royal Marching Band, as they drop their instruments one by one, near the bed. "Oh, did I wake you? I didn't mean to. You told me you liked marching bands.
Not that I will ever have this problem. It's an entirely different paradigm (sorry, had to use that word today) I have to get in bed. The room is dark, but I can find my way to the bed. This is where the fun starts: Wife is sleeping, but parts of her body are still awake. One foot starts doing Stuff. It twitches, it moves back and forth, and if you ask nicely, it will give you the winning numbers for the next lottery. While this is going on, she has somehow managed to get her leg completely over most of my side of the bed, except the other one hangs off the bed. Let's add in the dog. Penny only sleeps on the bed, and since her coloring matches my blanket, I can't find her in the light or the dark. Now I'm relegated to the 1' left on the entire bed. When I get there, things do not end. Penny races me to my pillow and licks my face until we have to pull her off (just my luck - I do better with dogs than women. Lastly, my companion elephant has to sleep on the floor.
At this point it starts to get ugly(er). Where is my pillow? Ah, yes, down on the floor. Where is my blanket? Looking around in the dark, I notice the bedding on the floor, opposite the pillow. Furthermore, 30% of the bedding is on the bed, having been pulled by the dog., and 70% is at the bottom. Every night..I ask myself what fresh hell awaits me tonight. It's always the dog. At least when I ask Wife. She's fun in the bedroom, but not in the direction you're thinking. She can sleep 2" over the pillow-we often have interesting conversations.
Honey, are you ok?
Yes, why?
It might be a good idea to sleep on the pillow.
Huh?
It might be a good idea to sleep on the pillow - you might hurt your neck.
I'm already sleeping.
You're sleeping 2" over the pillow.
No I'm not.
I don't want to argue with you, but I'm watching your head 2" above the pillow.
No I'm not.
Can you levitate yourself over the entire bed? That would be awesome.
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