Captivity - Day 59 Fishing for Birds

Insurance?  We got it.
Cheap life insurance? We got it.
We can place you with $200,000 of half term life for only $20.01 per month!
The cost won't go up - it's guaranteed for life.


Because of the Amazon Rainforest, Northern Edition, we need to get the deforestation people in. The ones with the explosives said they can't work because there's too much low cover, so that has to be moved first. What kind of deforestation people can't blow up dead branches? So yesterday Mrs lefty watched Penny the Wonder Cocker stack the branches up. I am not making this up. I wonder if we can rent her out to the deforestation people. Nah, she likes explosives too much...runs in the family...

This will not go well, I fear. Idiot Governor will come up with some reason that cleaning your yard isn't essential.  It *would* be essential if he lived next to us.


There is hope for the future, though...strip clubs are reopening: 'masks on, clothes off'. Oh, was she wearing a mask? I didn't notice.


A priest used a water gun to spray holy water on his parishioners.
No, Father, I said WATER!!


Astronauts may be able to make cement using their own pee.


Malaria parasites may have their own circadian rhythms (governed by pee).


New COVID-19 drug remdesivir is here (made from astronaut pee)


So while you're allegedly legally trapped in your (or somebody else's) house, and you're tired of having sex with their wife, somebody decides it's time to CLEAN!

Not just any clean - a top to bottom cleaning; freeing the rhinos and what's left of the Supreme Court; Let's just say Ginsburg ain't the oldest member. Let's lend an ear....

Is that....
Yes, paint.
Why?
You had to touch up the door.
That was 26 year..
Don't leave it out.

What's the box of gel cells?
You wanted the paint to sparkle..
Sparkle?
Sparkle.
The paint is neon brown.
Sparkly neon brown.
26 years?
26 years.

HEY - that's my 1970 Vette with the 454!!! It was under the dining room table.
Of course it was.
I didn't know.
All you had to do is ask.

I have loved that tv ever since you bought it. It's the last of the dumb tvs. Umm... what's the other one for?
Stereo.

What is Bicentennial? Who is Nixon? Bay City Rollers?
The Bay City Rollers were the Backdoor Boys before the Backdoor Boys were the Backdoor boys. They wore a lot of plaid, which is what killed them in the end. Same for Richard Nixon, the former president, except instead of singing, he used to talk to himself. He was convinced the commies and the Jews were after him. The sad part was the the commies and Jews were after him. Credit where it's due: he was the man in plaid. Nixon's vice president was Spiro Agnew, who died trying to pronounce his own name.

OMG - the remains of my previous service elephants. I wondered where they got off to. Isn't that a Saturn V rocket?
Don't you remember the month we had Werner von Braun here? He built that 200' launch pad out back?
There's a launch pad out back?
I think it's obscured by the tvs.
There are more tvs?
Surround sound.

I'm trying to identify the huge pile to the loft of the launch pad. Radios?
Yeah, that's all my tube radios I was going to fix. And a few other things I was going to fix - 475 vacuums, among others. They stopped making the belts so we were going to shoot them into space with the Saturn V. I don't know what we were thinking.
You weren't.

That pile of bones?
SHIT - that's the entire Playboy Bunny squad from the 80s, from my party. No wonder there was so much coke left....

174 fans?
Stereo.

That mixer is the biggest KitchenAid made.
Second.

Why are there huge green cylinders here?
Some sort of inert gas or Saturn 5 propellant or something - I dunno. I just smoke near it.

Errrr... the moving thing in the fridge?
Bob the service octopus. He retired.


Thus proving that cleaning is very bad for you.

Captivity - Day 58 Frank - here's your house back

I'm not stupid, but I can do a reasonably good impression, but there are 2 things for which I have to call in the Marines (better known as Mrs lefty). The first is cereal. As a kid, none of us had a problem getting the boxes open, even to the point of taking the treat out before our siblings got it.  We never failed (except for the only children, who got everything they wanted all the time anyway).

The long and short of it is that I open the box - no problem - I open the plastic - no problem - and I pour in in the bowel - problem. If my quantum physics class
finds about this, I'll be the laughingstock of Bob's Basement School of Quantum Physics, plus they won't let me wear the propeller hat for 2 weeks.

Determined to find the solution, I apply brains (hopefully not my own) to the problem. I get either nothing or everything. I tried a very long, very sharp knife, which succeeded in opening the plastic enclosure all the way across. Nothing. I tried pouring with shaking. No luck. I tried jumping up and down. Only a warning from Mrs lefty. Using what was left of my gray matter I finally figured it out: the cereal companies found out they could save $0.004 per box by not gluing the plastic to it. Unless I have the terminal mesh and talc causes cancer lawyers, I will never get the plastic glued to the box.

I know you're bored. Most of the world is bored.
Even the aliens are bored. The secret is that they know what we're up to and the loser had to keep an eye on us before we blow up the neighborhood. We're a danger to most universes.

One thing you can do when your bored is watch the commercial for My Pillow and try to imitate his very silly Minnesota accent.

In addition to my Very Large Problem with getting cereal out of the box, there is one that's even larger, because everybody can see it: putting bags into bags. Although it's possible I was bitten by a bag when I was little, the doctors don't think so. Mrs lefty gives me a small bag and instructs me to put it in the larger trash bag. This is where things start to get ugly. If there are guests, I start to sweat. I hear the voices of my ancestors, laughing and pointing, saying what a dumkopf he is, look at him!. In spite of this positive reinforcement, I put on my Brave Face and have a go at it. Naturally I fail, which is when the laughter starts. I try again: the end of one bag won't go inside the end of the other bag, even though it's 4x as large. Even Mrs lefty laughs at me, while taking the bag back and easily putting it in the larger bag, while I watch, as if it were magic.

The doctors are not concerned about the dream where I wake up with no clothes, addressing Congress.... this is the one they want to discuss...



There's a tv show featuring collectors, with different collections. Today's is a Star Wars collection. The pretty lady next to the collector is not his SO - it's his mom. Mom has bought him all sorts of collector's pieces. He even has a eral-life Spock figure. Little Stanley obviously needs a job. Mom needs to get little Stanley a hooker. Can you say enabler? Little Stanley probably can. He has a billboard. A billboard.


I was out of my mind (further) because Dairy Queen closed early. All I wanted was a malt. Judging by the 32 person socially-distanced line, I wasn't the only one.

Captivity - Day 57 Deaf Service Elephants don't swim

Have you used a Covid N95 mask and developed Covid-19?
Our staff at Cohen, Washington, Lopez, and Chong can help you get the money you deserve. After a free, at-home, consultation (don't bring that shit into our offices), we can tell you how much we you can expect from the last-minute manufacturer of these masks. The masks were never tested and are not safe for medical use.

So if you developed Covid-19, Covid-20, Covid-25 but not Covid-24, AIDS, Herpes, Chlamydia, mask sores, and sore envy, in which you cannot afford designer masks, call us at Cohen, Washington, Lopez, and Chong. Although you see our very hip minority focus, the people who own the corporation are Philadelphia Jewish lawyers.  The other side hears this and defaults automatically.

Cohen, Washington, Lopez, and Chong - We Have Jews



Something happened today. Everything came to a stop.
Mothers were pulling their children in the house.
Social Distancing was 3', so parents could call their children.
Scientists left town.

What was it?
It was SUN.
And pleasant TEMPERATURES.
We are monitoring this and will report back, if we know anything.
Fat lot of good that will be...


We're still not 'allowed' to go guitar shopping or eat in an actual restaurant. Tonight we're having something Chinese. Hopefully not someone Chinese.
I have no trouble at all with any group (unless they're stupid) but they should probably get a marketer. Taste King? House of Basement? Tool Store? Motorcycle Shed? I'd love to hear their derogatory names for us...Fat White? Victim of MSG? Eat This Crap?


The beaches will be open by Memorial Day!
Nobody knows why they were closed and why they're opening.
New Jersey, long a target of mine, has allowed their citizens the choice: Covid-19 or skin cancer.


The Dutch government has advised single citizens to get a 'sex buddy.'
I wonder if my insurance (or my wife) will cover that.


Today's wildlife taunting the dog is a possum. 3, to be precise. So if you hear agitated barking at 3am, there is wildlife taunting the dog.

Captivity - Day 56 Can the author count?

I heard an author say 'gobsmacked.'
When somebody says gobsmacked, it's time to change the channel. No exceptions.


As I said the other day, just because the doctors say you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.


It's decidedly green today, with the intrusion of brown and traces of actual sun. Again the committee looks out the window and considers its duty - hitting the Sun Alert. The Sun Alert became ceremonial after the window was invented, but positions don't go away; especially political positions. Just to throw things off, it became sunny and windy. At this point, it's anyone's guess.


It's Friday. Don't research - just take my word.
So stay where you are today and tomorrow.
Have some sex. If you don't have a SO, have some Rental Sex. Failing that, use your hand  - self-love is a great thing. You don't have to worry about STDs.


There's a lot of shine. The sun?
No. The police. They don't like where we parked the car.


Some local person has started a movement to impeach Idiot Governor. I love this shit.


We replenished the Snapple reserves, so we can't walk in the basement anymore. Really cold lemon Snapple makes my nipples hard.


I always though it would be great to do a tv show or movie about us. Today my sole activity, besides falling asleep at work, was knocking things over and dropping things. How many of you have dropped peanut butter on your computer keyboard? Kicked anything on the floor, no matter where it is? Beat up a few neighbors? Yelled at the birds because they're dive-bombing the dog?

Breaking the Streak

I promised (myself? you? somebody?) that I'd close down the ranting and raving, concentrating instead on captivity. I think I've managed to pull it off reasonably well, but, as you'd imagine, holding it in hurts too much and I need a release valve.  The Stupid... it hurts...

TV is a mess to begin with. They ran out of ideas ten years ago and this is a rehash of a rehash of a sequel of the son of the original's cousin. Watching this crap is physically painful. To see what garbage haunts us, just turn the tv on.

The Flying AIDS has even changed the way we watch tv. The talking heads are now broadcasting from their own (or somebody else's) home - each one of them. Their social distancing is 40 miles or 2 counties. Now most of the dingalings are doing it too. They look like idiots, which is rather convenient, as they are idiots.

I spend a lot of time listening to religious folks telling me we are in the end times. Aside from being amused, after reviewing their claims, I believe tonight has provided literal video proof that they're correct. It is a sad day for me.

We know we can't go outside, nor can the (alleged) artists, news and musicians, so we have to sit in the living room and save the world from there. Our jaws are on the floor, which surely is the indicator of something involving the end of the world. Alleged artists are watching tv and this is the tv show. The entire tv show is stars reacting to tv shows. It's easy to like because you don't know who most of the stars are. As it goes further, you turn to your tv partner and wonder aloud when tv died - the actual date. We're watching a show about people watching a show. According to quantum physics, this is a quark and will repeat on itself until a black hole eats the entire planet. Maybe this is the promised end times, minus the science.

Of course, we're just as bad for watching this excrement after 3 minutes.

Speaking of excrement, TMZ came on before it. TMZ: gays making fun of straights since 2008.



Because Mrs lefty has had a bad week with chronic pain, I offered to go food shopping with her. This is a very stupid idea, proving we do not learn from our mistakes.

I was very well-behaved. From the car to the front door of the supermarket. WHAT? WE NEED TO WEAR MASKS IN THE STORE? Mrs lefty, in a moment of true genius, said 'you should wait in the car - no, really.' Since I listen to no one, especially if they make any sense and are correct, I continued into the store. I put on a world class display of grumbling. Since we live in the hell hole that is Pennsylvania, the state owns the liquor stores and you can't buy serious alcohol after certain hours. So we found some girly drinks, then saw the line to pay first was 90 people long. This reinforced my already positive mood.

You cannot buy pasta. Even the weird shaped pasta, in different colors, with names you cannot possibly pronounce after 15 years of class and a few summers in Italy. Everything else is more of less there. Except, of course, what I want. Markets pay someone to follow me around and find out what I like, so they can stop carrying it immediately. There is a really good soda available; out of which every flavor was available; except mine. That's the way it went. I kept think my wife was right - I should have stayed in the car. There was a STOP sign at one point, where a concierge (not in her job description - I asked) takes you to your personal checkout person. I am not a virologist, but this would seem to indicate you get the Flying AIDS at the STOP sign or 15 feet past it. I feel better now. You?

Mrs lefty wishes she stayed in the car. How do I know under the mask? I got the International Lefty Signal: eyes rolling. I see it a lot, for some reason.

The long and short of it is that we're being played.
We stand up, get in lines at least 6' apart, deal with shortages, flatten the curve, take the shot (as soon as there is one, Mr Gates), deal with greater limitations of our rights, and just pretend life goes on.


This isn't your garden variety stunt: it's all over the planet.
WHO is big enough to pull this off and why are they doing so?

Captivity - Day 54 Advancing Backwards

The Neighborhood Sun Association has been holding meetings about the near-constant light in the sky. The Association hasn't had to meet in years, since that one week in 1962, when there was 2 days of sun in a row. This caused a bit of trouble with the rules and formalities.

Here we were, in 2020, with several days in a row of sunshine - unprecedented. Some members referred to it as End Times. Other members, who perhaps were wont to smoke less ganja, were confused. The people who smoked nothing were totally black-faced, agreeing that ganja would have worked out better for this particular situation. The Temperature Subcommittee tackled the question of February temperatures in May. Fortunately, there was no consumption, so their meeting was through 3 hours before the main meeting.

The Temperature Subcommittee had ruled, very early, that there was, indeed, some cold motherf-ing temperatures for this time of year and adjourned for hot chocolate and Ghiarrdeli brownies (the best).  The Sun Association consumed donuts and special brownies, unaware of the legality of 'brownies.' The Association got off on 1st Amendment grounds, because it was a religious celebration (Rastafari Something). Things got testy when the Christians said it was End Times and the Rastafaris said it was time to score more End Times Special Blend.

Both committees ruled that something must be done, dammit!


Kentucky, home of drunken tractor racing and comical accents, has received a date when their captivity is over. Kentucky doesn't know why, where, or what time their captivity will end, but the citizens go on, safe in the knowledge that their leaders are idiots and have absolutely no idea what they're doing. My lone Kentucky reader, who also happens to be my lone gynecological reader, is overjoyed, because it's somewhat difficult to deliver babies virtually.


World leaders are unlikely to meet at the UN in September.
Drat - a taste of their own medicine is overdue (not death).

The Inn at Local Washington will fill his socially distanced dining room with midcentury mannequins. Tips expected to rise 20%.



Meanwhile, in The Show Goes On department, Gordon Ramsay will yell at someone and people will turn off in droves.

Captivity - Day 54 The snails are coming for us

This is the longest surprise weather period we've ever seen.
It indicates that tomorrow we'll see 8" of snow or 80 degrees. There's still time for it to rain tonight, so don't bet the farm on this one, farmers.

Do ya remember all the way back to DOS with their CHKDSK utility? It would organize the hard drive for maintenance. It had this blinky display that put people to sleep. Not to disappoint, Win 10 has this thing where if you use 2 monitors, instead of hiding the taskbar on the 2nd monitor, it makes the bar randomly jump up and down, perhaps just for fun, perhaps as a North Korean spy bid, perhaps bad coding. So you're doing something on Windows 10 (because Work says you have to) and the taskbar is randomly popping up and down, in some sort of Morse code, that suddenly makes you want to wear the most ridiculous hairstyle in the history of humanity, to look like Best Leader. Also replace network gear with Huawei.


Greetings to our friends from Spain and France.
I hope you like the blog and come back. Eventually I can pick on Spain and France.


Just in case you're feeling down, let's check in on what the Flying AIDS has done to friendly neighbors....


I'm dyin' here....
research into Flying AIDS testing and preparation is a feature of the pr0n industry. Due to strict testing that goes all the way back to AIDS, the industry is in great shape, and others are starting to research. In the Unbelievable Irony Department, the financial industry tried to sideline adult performers by refusing to work with them, to the point of disallowing their bank accounts.


Mrs lefty has had it too. She's tripping up the steps.
She's standing outside my office, trying to teach the dog not to leave her toys all over the place. I suspect only one of them will have retained it tomorrow.

Speaking of our lovely quadruped, she has graduated first in her class at the academy. She is now a full fledged sleep dog. What is a sleep dog? A sleep dog watches you briefly and can tell if you're sleeping. If she discovers you're sleeping, she wakes you up to tell you. This is a useful skill - we just don't know when.

RCA 11 Delta Pro Tablet micro review

It's blue.

Be here next week for my 1998 Fender Stratocaster review.


Well, it IS blue. I'm not positive, but my favorite color is blue, so it could only have come from Wife. Wife does nice things like that. Wife (et al) is not your standard wife, so I beg her (and everyone) not to give me presents. I once got a hair brush (that was cruel). Follow along with me as I recount the Tale of The tablets.

I bought a Samsung Mildly Expensive Model, because I wanted something serious. Naturally it quit, going into a boot loop in short order. I found out what a 30 day guarantee is: it's a design that allows you to keep a broken device for at least 31 days before you even get started finding the device's box to ship it back. Because it would take me at least 230 days to think about finding a box, a new box showed up. Since I don't like new boxes, I suggested just sending it back. It was way too small to be a guitar, so this was not going to be a good idea. [have you ever heard someone bitch about getting presents before?]

With dark, somber, Vincent Price music in the background, I opened it. I was both relieved, shocked, and annoyed. There was an RCA 11 Delta Pro. They got a deal. If one follows the logic, when my main guitar was in the shop, they should've bought me another guitar, just in case. Since they know me, they said I had 90 days to not like it (then why buy it?); I said it came from HSNQVCHomeDeliveryNetwork. Both of us were correct.

So it's blue.
It's an 11" display, which is relatively large, in a field where it is legal to say 12" equals 10.34". It comes with a detachable keyboard, which certainly ups the Gee Whiz Factor. It's actually a decent keyboard, as far as spacing goes. It's not very accurate, but I suspect it's PEBKAC-related (Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair). The not lying when they say the keyboard detaches. Thus far it has detached itself 3 times on me, without me asking it to. Don't take this as a fault or cheap construction. In fact, it's damn sturdy.

The build is surprisingly compact and sturdy. While it's possible the other colors are of the same size and sturdiness, I cannot say. I got the blue one. All the holes and stuff are located on the tablet left side, which is convenient, unless you want to use it. I'm kidding but you probably want to charge it without touching it. It uses the standard micro-USB that your phone uses, unless it uses a C (real newer android or a thunder/lightning (Apple). It also has other holes, none of which I understand. Ok, I lied: there's a power switch, a headphone jack, a usb, the aforementioned microUSB, additional RAM slot, Bluetooth, AC adapter, mic, DC adapter.,

SPECS:
* 2g RAM, 32gb RAM, expandable to 128gb
* 1.3GHz 4 Quad-Core engine thingie
* 1366 x 768
* touchscreen
* Bluetooth
* Dual 2MP camera
* Android 9 (Chocolate Cream Pie)
* preinstalled Google apps
* Up to 6 hours battery life


Comments:
* 2g RAM, 32gb RAM, expandable to 128gb- if you never put anything on the tablet, you'll be just fine. Otherwise, buy the damn extension.
* 1.3GHz 4 Quad-Core engine thingie - it's Blue
* 1366 x 768 - standard laptop resolution (I think)
* touchscreen - works just fine and confuses the hell out of me when I change to my laptop, without a touchscreen.
* Bluetooth - it's Blue
* Dual 2MP cameras  (are you kidding me? my phone has 16MP)
* Android 9 (Chocolate Cream Pie) I honestly don't know if this will upgrade to android 10 but it's worth finding out
* preinstalled Google apps  - get rid of this shit unless you really don't care. Google is a stain on the planet and exists to get your data to advertise to you.
* Up to 6 hours battery life - how do they figure this out? Here, Bobby, we're going to give you a few cups of coffee - now go play with the tablet.


OBSERVATIONS
I haven't played with it a lot yet, so here goes...

I like it so far. I love the larger screen, which allows me to make larger mistakes. It's almost weird to do things onscreen.  Every control does what it's supposed to. It's solid (dog hasn't pushed it off the couch yet).

Irony: When I was little, we'd send toys back when they forgot to put in the instructions. Now we're thrilled if they put in instructions at all.

Speaking strictly of the blue one, I think the battery could last longer. It's not crisis level but still...I'd make sure to turn it off between on(s).

Definitely PEBKAC on the keyboard. After spending a little more time with it, it actually helps make less errors. Your mileage may vary. I am cursed with the onscreen keyboard in my phone, so this is a blessing. Along these lines, I don't think the screen opens enough. Either I'm too short or the angle of opening is too long. Or both. It would be easier to see if it opened further.


To be continued....

Captivity -- Day 53 Dr Phil is not a doctor

Let's start with the weather:
it continues to be actually sunny. This is because the clouds are having coffee and haven't realized how sunny it has gotten. Within a short time, one of the clouds will recognize the unsupressed sun and it will all be over. And when I say all over, I mean the sun; the cold will stay with us. Yes, its May, and we're enduring February temperatures.

Idiot Governor maintains he's still in charge and will drop in with the paratroopers if any business tries to open. If he deems Dairy Queen non-essential, I'm joining the Resistance. One simply does not cut off malts for an entire area. Idiot Governor is overstepping his bounds.


The Flying AIDS is spreading in the White House.
The White House disclaims all knowledge and fault for the spread and asks why everybody attributes everything to it? It does good things too - but they never get reported.


A fight broke out at a Target after customers refused to wear facial covering (that's a mask to you and me). Idiot Governor Gavin Newsom rushed in with the 3rd Armored Division when it was discovered that one of the 2 perpetrators weren't female or a significant minority. When contacted for comment by the news, Target's official statement was that you usually have to go to Walmart for this level of hijinks.


Bible scholars claim Book of Revelation seals broken, 'Four Horsemen are ACTIVE.' Historically, the horsemen are death, war, famine, and disease. The Book of The Slightly Modified for Scaring You More Effectively, claims the seals are just fine, thank you, and people should stop their campaign against seafood. The other signs are Furries on the #1 tv show in the nation, social distancing, and over 90% of computers using Windows.


In addition to the Synchronized Stereo Mower Team that operates daily, today we have the Synchronized Stereo Airplane Brigade. There is no explanation of how their schedules managed to sync. Either it was pure coincidence, or meetings took place at a very High Level, possibly involving Pence, or someone at the White House who doesn't have the Flying AIDS (yet). Listen closely, as this is the technical part: the mowers achieve their stereo sound field by all being on the horizontal plane, with many many mowers riding at once. The planes also occupy the horizontal plane (see what I did there?) but they're at different altitudes, ergo, et al, sickly, they produce a very wide stereo field, especially when there is more than 1 plane. For whatever reason, most plane traffic involves more than 1 plane. The really good plane antics are not only louder than the Who; they knock shit off the walls. Like that picture of Aunt Fuck (RIP). There's a lot of noise for a small hood. Nowhere was there a sign for DANGER - YOU MIGHT LOSE YOUR HEARING. Actually, prospective buyers thought it said WARNING - YOU MIGHT LOSE YOUR EARRING.

Speaking of commercials, have you seen the one with the hot older models, pimping yet another Special Cream, designed to make them look 2 years younger, for the discounted price of $400 per small bottle. The shoot normally would have taken 3 minutes, but wound up taking 3 days, because they had to teach the models to say "Hyaluronic Acid."

Captivity - Day 52 My computer is looking at me

Hey, welcome to ummm.... wait... ummm.. aren't you going to let me guess?
Ok. Welcome to Monday (because my alarm said so). If it doesn't go off, it's either Saturday or Sunday, so I have a 50% chance of guessing what day it is. Plus my calendar says it's Shower Week.

It's been a great few days. For Nanook. Or anything happening near the north pole. It is important to remember that penguins appear at the south pole (and the zoo). And in really strange dreams.


Regardless of any news, DC is the worst city for recovery: it's full of hot air.


The queen may never return to royal duties, due to the Flying AIDS. That would be a shame. He and Bernie Taupin did a lot of great work together.


Today's Best Headline: Virus found in feces more than a month after patient tests negative.  Repeat after me: Do NOT go into science.


There will be a Travis McCready(?) concert to test whether American is ready to rock again. Has anybody given a thought to how spectacularly this could go wrong? Apparently not. With a name like Travis McCready, the audience won't be rocking (no offense to whatever they will be doing).


Apparently there's a viral video of a Chinese woman pleasuring herself on different furniture in Ikea. Chinese media got ahead of it, so it only had 9 million views.  Yes, they held onto the Flying AIDS, where people died, but at least they got the masturbation video out. Where there's a will, there's a way.


Amtrak to require riders to wear face coverings starting today.
They really jumped on this one, didn't they?


As far as I know, Idiot Governor remained in his underground lair this weekend.


My boss encouraged his staff to have sex.
Oddly enough, Mrs lefty doesn't see that as an effective reason.

Captivity - Day 51 Serves me right

...for being awake.
For whatever evil reason, I wound up up, or awake, before noon on a weekend day. Because Saturday, my Mom had the unmitigated audacity to call before noon. So this is 2 days people gotten me up early. I have no choice during the week - I have a job. Now I'll have to go online and figure out how to have the phone not bother me til 1pm on weekends, with an outgoing messages that says, "Hey, Stupid - it's before noon - you obviously don't know me, so your number is blocked. Don't ever try calling me again - the phone won't even ring.

So there's this program called Consumer 101. I actually like this program because their first segment was on 'smart' tvs eating your data. If you think about this (not too much, though), you have grown adults watching consumer tv for children. This is the natural extension of cartoons we got up early to watch when we were kids (and tv was new).

As you'd expect, it's unbelievably sunny outside. This is strictly a trap, getting us all excited for the work week. When you go outside, you sniff the air, soak in the sun, and scream loudly, because it's f-ing THIRTY SIX DEGREES in May. Just give it up. Global warming, whether you choose to believe it or not, has driven us over the edge. Just build tubes to get everywhere and keep the temps the same. No matter - it evened out by 9pm.

Continuing our Great Educational Sunday, we're discussing smoothies. Smoothies mean different things on different coasts; from things made in blenders to all out fruits and vegetables in blenders without ice. Their 'expert' shows the very peppy host (who beats his wife) how to make smoothies of the Western US variety. She complains that the regular smoothies can pack a lot of  sugar in them. YES? AND? THE PROBLEM HERE IS? So she goes on to show Peppy Host what you can put in to cut down sugar. This is a false concept also: there is simply no substitute for sugar - don't let anybody tell you different. This borderline lunatic suggests putting beets in your smoothie. This should have been Peppy Host's opportunity to run out of the studio, or shoot the Expert. There are laws about putting this stuff on tv - think of the children.

As if beets aren't enough, she talks about nut butter. Cashew, etc. Never mind the smoothie, what house has cashew butter on hand (unless there's going to be a murder). Fortunately she mentions peanut butter. Unfortunately she mentions kale and spinach. Kale is just a renaming of Shit We Find on the Sea Floor. Plus it's green, which should be enough of a warning to humanity (not including California). Believe it or not, people have eaten spinach. Not in smoothies, but they have. So they add all sorts of additional Green Shit and fire up the blender. This one scene took Peppy Host 4 hours to get down, because the stuff was so nauseating. Ever see a black dude look green? That's about what it was. Think carefully - have you ever had a green drink before?

The next alarm to humanity was a gay Asian guy 'making' things. He went through making a home-decorated cell phone cover, using words like 'sustainable,' and 'stylish,' so that got muted immediately while I typed this. Another dude talked about how to wash jeans because they're so expensive and you want to keep the texture. Are you ready? Put them inside-out and knot them up with a sweater or something. Did you know that if you rigorously rub  hazelnuts together you get hazelnut shells? Did you know that if you rigorously rub 2 hosts together, you get only 1 host? Where are the crazy old politicians who want to ban tv because it makes their children zombies? Want to light up your boring old white electrical cords? Twist tiny wire around them for a few hours. When does this guy have time to film this show?

What have we learned?
It will sometimes save money, allow you use words like sustainable, and eat every last microsecond of your time. Yes, Billy, I know you have to go to school, but I'm building a sustainable freezer pack out of the leftover kale. Your teacher will understand.


What else have we learned?
We need to put together an Emergency Boredom Kit for when you get up before noon. Put it in the freezer, next to the spinach/banana you're looking to re-use, so it will be sustainable.


What else have we learned?
You can't buy food for dinner on Mother's Day.
I got cards.

Captivity - Day 50 Quicky Divorces

The hair in my peanut butter is very flimsy, definitely not of human origin. It's way too thin and curly to be Penny's.  This can mean only one thing: Penny's bringing in a friend at night.

Outside it's another battle, with brown, green, and the clouds rushing in to cover any trace of the sun.  The tv, now used strictly for background news, features a commercial for a sun-powered light that comes on automatically. Little do the producers know that anything running on sun power won't sell in PA because of so little sun. As a result, I'll be getting pizza tonight. It's the best pizza in the country. The only reason I haven't moved to someplace with an actual climate is that the pizza place won't move with me. One day was got a stromboli instead and I just sat there, staring at it. Mrs lefty asked what was wrong and I couldn't bring myself to speak. It. Wasn't. Pizza. To this day, I still shake when remembering that.


Little Richard (87) issued his final Tutti Fruitty and died of bone cancer. RIP.


San Antonio passed a resolution declaring 'Chinese virus' as hate speech.
The United States passed a resolution declaring 'San Antonio' as hate speech.
The First Amendment is on antidepressants.


Royal Caribbean crew went on a hunger strike until the company proves it will send them home. With my vast medical and financial knowledge, I can tell you this will not end well. You're already taking your life in your hands as a paying customer on Royal Caribbean. The only question is what they're going to do with the bodies of the crew.


The human spirit will never be put down: A Colombian company created a bed that can double as a coffin.

Captivity - Day 49 Nostril hair

I got a tip on the weather.
Shhh... don't tell anybody....
Since it's May, it May snow today.

What kinda extra-planeticular lunacy is this?

This is why they(?) call it Mother Nature.
You know damn well this is the kind of hysteria that doesn't often come with the penis crowd. They'd be sitting there, remote in hand, watching something masculine on tv, like maybe sports. They'd set the temperature to a reasonable spot for the year and go back to arguing about goals per average.

Mother Nature, on the other hand, is..... somewhat more complex.
Did the kids cleaned up their toys yesterday?  Minus 10 degrees
Did Father Nature spend most of last night begging for a little tsunami and fall asleep?  Snow in the Sahara.
Did Father Nature take his buddies out to the High Winds Review and come home late, stinking of chocolate milk and looking for a Blow Job? You betcha it's cold in hell right now....


To continue our science coverage, the Flying AIDS has been found in men's semen. If you ever meet the person who thinks this stuff up, don't shake hands.


Idiot Governor says Philly stays closed til June 4.
Critics bemoan the fact that Philly is never open, especially at City Hall

Why does Mrs Wolf always get on top?
Because Governor Wolf can only f- up.


So it never snowed. It's not that we never saw it snow, though. The doctors say not to look outside - it's too depressing.


There's some sort of magic show where they're dropping cars on people.
I think this would be a great addition to the political games. As soon as you screw up, we drop a car on you. Just think of the transparency!!

The next candidate is a very attractive British lady, in danger of getting spiked. We already know this is fake, because there are no very attractive British ladies on tv.



What 3 words mean your phone is about to be in trouble?
"Install our app"