Tyre Spanner Care and Feeding

Your love is like a string of Mondays



Vladimir Putin, part time signpost and all around good guy, has proposed a no-hack pact with the US. This should work out as well as gun control: ask the criminals not to break the law.



Dear lefty

• Are you going to watch the debates?
• Oh is that on tv? Shoot - I made an appointment to chew razorblades that night 

President Trump paid $750 of federal income taxes in 2016 and 2017, according to the NY Times. Who does the man think he is - Amazon?  Whether he did or didn't, doesn't this expose flaws in the tax system? It's long past time to fix this. Rest assured reps and dems won't bother to do anything but raise taxes.

• In case you didn't know, too much glycyrrhizic acid can kill you. Glycyrrhizic acid, unfortunately, is contained in black licorice.
• The second case in 30 years occurred at a restaurant in Massachusetts the other day. The number of fatalities could be worse: fortunately no one likes back licorice.

Data News

LA Police Department has run almost 30k facial algorithms, in spite of promising it wouldn't. Shocking.

Exercise tracking app Strava, which previously revealed the location of military bases, is now giving your data to 'help urban planners'. Do not use tracking apps. Of any variety. Your Fitbit app is sucking up all your data and sending it up the line. Is this ok with you?

Wanna know what kind of privacy invasion is on a website? Visit Blacklight.
Wanna know how secure your browser is? Visit Panopticlick.

You're not going to like the results. My suggestion is to run Firefox with a number of security settings and addins. While many addins are available for Chrome and Chrome-based browsers, they're leaky to begin with.


The CLOUD

Microsoft Office365 went down the other day, taking down email and Teams.
It also took down 911 systems all over the country.
This is a perfect demonstration of my objection to The CLOUD. Email's pretty important to most people and all businesses, but 911 services being down.... unconscionable and possibly deadly.

Everybody went nuts over The CLOUD, mostly upper manglement, who saw only savings. The hardcore security and availability nazis, like yours truly, rolled their eyes and took more aspirin. This is only a tiny demonstration of what could happen.

• We did well this summer, in terms of sunlight. Unfortunately we're in Gray Season. Plus there's winter coming up, so the Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) sufferers are on full alert, if not already there. 
• Add in the Flying AIDS and semi-quarantines, and you have a less than ideal picture of health, both physical and mental. Now's the time to get on top of it, before it hits. We're not bears and shouldn't be hibernating (unless the doctor tells you to). Check with your doctor or specialist and find out what you can do. I am not a specialist, and this does not constitute medical advice, but I'd avoid dancing naked in restaurants or malls (unless you have a large mask).

WARNING: Pumpkin Spice is here.
Proceed as necessary.
It starts out with pumpkin spice coffee at Dunkin, then spreads like wildfire to thousands of products in thousands of stores. Before long there's pumpkin spice furniture, pumpkin spice pajamas, and pumpkin spice tires (tyres for our spelling-impaired cousins in the UK).

A friend went for an interview for a very important position (VIP) and was served a pumpkin spice muffin. He naturally declined the position, figuring that if they are careless enough to serve pumpkin spice, what other due diligence have they not done?

• Man killed in a dispute over line at Michigan haunted house
• Oh c'mon... how many of us never wanted to....
• "Clearly that argument escalated" Sheriff Mike Bouchard said. 

Sheriff Mike Bouchard wins this week's Captain Obvious award, for the most idiotic sentence that didn't require saying. The award is a golden trophy, with a man falling off a cliff. It's inscribed "That's not good".



Sex after heart attack may boost survival, study claims.

Let's further the science by seeing if it helps decrease heart attacks.
Ready.... set.... boink!

Another study, closely related to the other study, says it's a myth that women don't want sex as they age.       (unless they're married)


Sociology

Parrots removed from UK wildlife park after they started swearing at customers. The five African grey parrots were adopted in the same week and while in isolation taught each other to swear. I think things are starting to surface that people don't want to face: 'swearing' is a natural form of expression that has been suppressed over the years. Look at the AI bot let loose on Twitter, that became alt-right and started cursing at people. Just the other day, a woman went nuts on a plane, screaming curses and jumping on armrests.

We will not progress as humans (or birds) until we acknowledge our true nature. Uncle Fucker.



Astronomers discover possible 60s era moon rocket booster heading back to Earth.
Small wonder the aliens are pissed: not only do we nuclear weaponize every frontier we discover, we trash up the place. Also returning are the onboard coffee machine, waste processing unit (hopefully will burn up on re-entry), and the comfort zebras of each astronaut. NASA went all out on these missions.



Happys

Jerry Lee Lewis - The Killer!
Jean-Luc Ponty - jazz fusion violinist, played with Zappa, among others

from the man Himself

This is the Next One

Russian election interference in the upcoming election is getting out of hand. They are having so much trouble getting past security that they applied for 5,000 absentee ballots.


Dear lefty

• Have you given much thought to your epitaph?
• I was thinking of "She finally got me." 

Your love is like week old raw fish, left on the back porch

• North Korean Modest Leader for Life, Kim Jong Illin, apologized for the accidental killing of a South Korean officer, who was accidentally shot then accidentally set on fire, on the way back to South Korea.

I just saw this bumper sticker.... "See you soon - Jesus"
That's creepy.

Is He watching us, like the NSA? Will He be stopping by, after this many years?
Or is the bumper sticker supposed to distract us so much that we'll crash and die? Sneaky, Big J....

• Hey, if you're a resident of Lake Jackson, Texas, you might want to buy bottled water. Tap water would be safe to drink, if it weren't for the brain-eating microbe, Naegleria fowleri. Boil before drinking, don't let shower water get up your nose.
• The CDC says people cannot get infected by swallowing contaminated water, and it cannot be passed from person to person. They stopped short of a mask mandate.

NYC Virus Spike Continues in Jewish Areas of Brooklyn, QueensThe Anti-Defamation League is looking into this, claims virus is antisemitic.

• United Air received $5 billion in the first bailout.
• The giveaway totaled $25 billion across the industry.
• You will pay this back.
• Small businesses have gone under
• Congress is contemplating more

The only better way to watch sports on tv is with the tv off. I'm watching it with the sound off, occasionally glancing over the top of the laptop while typing. This is really strange behavior, because I don't like sports. It's movement and shiny things that distract me. Each time I see movement, I look up, realize it's sports, then look back down. Over and over again, like Homer Simpson and a wooden donut.

I gather it's a soccer football game, as the guy in front of the walk-in net is dressed like Kermit the Frog, in head to toe green. Naturally at the beginning, one of them was on his knee for Black Lives Matter. He got up and kicked the ball at his teammate, who was swanning for child abuse (on his front, arms out, head up). This was the first injury of the game. The next injury was when a member of the other team tripped someone who was doing ballet for women's equality causes. The first goal sailed right past the goalie, who was sitting down, reading the paper, to symbolize all the black children who can't read the paper. The next kickoff bounced right off the crotch of the player standing on his head, against online bullying. Tragedy struck, when the entire team piled on a guy who was holding his ears out and waggling his tongue to call attention to the rainforest. Two players were injured while passing the other goalie, who set himself on fire to protest the California wildfires. At the end of the game, there was only one player, who blew himself up in protest of no asian or caucasian players on the field at any time during the game. Just kidding. He went through a pane of glass, to symbolize the plight of peaceful demonstrators encountering businesses.

During the break, Joe Biden promised a mask mandate and to call out the National Guard and Army to enforce it across the country. He also said to get the navy, marines, and air force on alert, as they would be enforcing the mask mandate in 27 countries where we're not already enforcing something. Finally, Joe promises not to raise taxes (Congress will take care of that).

• Who says we all can't get along? The leader of a nazi terror group was paid to work with the US Special Forces on targeting and counterterrorism.

Joe was my buddy in school. He had a lot of luck with the ladies, but it was more skill than luck. I had no luck, no skill, and no ladies. Being a friend, Joe would try to hook me up with girls he felt would be a good match (I hesitate to call them his rejects). They all seemed to have something.... uhhhh... different about them. One small thing that just wrecked an otherwise nice package. You know.. shaved head, prison tattoo, better facial hair than me, claims of Tourette's Syndrome, which just meant they liked to curse out loud, frequently. I appreciated Joe's efforts (right up until I met them) because he really tried, and really laughed after he failed. And he failed every time.

Finally Joe came up with a 'can't miss'... I tried to trip him up on every description of Miss New Jersey:

She has a great personality.  One?
She has a killer body. Who has she killed?
She's very witty. Compared to which kindergarten class?
She's warm. Do I have to hurry before she gets cold?
She has big hair.  Does it come off at night?
She has a great job! Will she get promoted from pumping gas and be allowed to work the donut counter inside?
She has very kissable lips.  Under her mustache?
Nice legs.  Like Serena Williams? They'll crack your head like a walnut.
She has a college degree. I have 64 rolls of toilet paper- I can cover more area.
She likes men. Great improvement over the last one, who WAS a man.
She has nice boobs.  How much did they cost?
She has a great smile. Any teeth?

They say the way to figure out how a woman is going to look in the future is to look at her mother.  I asked Joe if her mother also looks like Godzilla.  GOTCHA!

Happys

George Lynch - Dokken, solo

Randy Bachman - Bachman Turner Overdrive

Meat Loaf - Meat Loaf
Tiran Porter - bass, Doobie Brothers

Bye Byes 

John Henry Bonham - Led Zeppelin's drummer extreme
Miles Davis
Robert Palmer - "Addicted to Love"

SJW Results?

I was with some cousins the other day, including one whose gender was probably several places on the spectrum at once. I don't care who you are or what you do, but I have a terrible feeling I know where all this is going.. Little Johnny is going to have to turn in his report and speak to the class about it. The teacher will have to prod him strongly to stand in front of the class. In a nightmare that will keep recurring his entire life, Little Johnny will have to stand in front of the class, with all his clothes on, and admit he's a heterosexual. The laughing will hurt the most. The booing will be pretty bad too. The chants of 

'Filthy Straight' will be over the top.

Johnny came home crying from school every day because the kids wouldn't leave him alone. His parents loved him for what he was, but understood how hard it is growing up different. They suggested maybe he should try taking it up the butt - he might like it. That might make him one of the popular kids. Johnny wouldn't hear of it. They suggested he dress in his mom's clothes. Again, he refused. They said maybe he could try identifying as male on odd days and female on even days. Little Johnny just said, "I am what I am." They supported him, whatever his decision, knowing that they would always be the parents of the hetero child. When they went to social events, the other parents would ask what they did to Johnny to make him hetero. They'd get mad and inform everyone that this is the way he was wired; it wasn't a choice or the way he was raised.  So Johnny had to live with the stigma of being heterosexual, even after it became ok. Eventually he found a heterosexual girl, they got married, and had some kids. Secretly, he hoped the kids weren't hetero too. He just didn't want them to go through what he went through....

My Service Elephant Likes Beans. Not Pleasant.

Snuck into the legislation on 9-11 is using biometrics on aliens who apply for citizenship. Also on their sponsors. You only have 20 days to comment, so go for it. Just be polite and make your point. We need no biometric collection for anything.


Your love is like playing tennis with your pancreas



Dear lefty

• Why were those 2 people graveside, wearing masks?
• good question - I'd say the damage is already done...

Washington, DC, is absolutely thrilled about the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Let me rephrase that...
Sad with the passing of RBG, Washington is absolutely gleeful at something else to fight about, and is getting its ammunition ready. Yes, it's a full Court battle. He said, she said, they said, you said! But what about...? The reps have controversial choices, the dems are lining up pr0n stars, male escorts, and drug dealers for each of them. Business as usual, but with renewed vigor... this Flying AIDS business was too depressing.

• Because I was curious, I discovered women did not drive tanks in combat in WWII. In 2015, the Defense Secretary said all combat roles were open to women. I hope there wasn't a parallel parking test..

 Experts say spending too much time on social media can be damaging to your mental health, especially when consuming too much negative news.

Told you so.
Another example of how pr0n will save us all.



Hey, did you know Americans are recorded by security cameras 238 times per week? This has me VERY ANGRY, for obvious reasons, plus not leaving the house much. Now I have to find all the cameras around my house - I told you they were recording me....

• They told me her booty was off the hook. All I said was somebody should put it back on the hook. Now I'm the bad guy? 
• While I'm mentioning it, I probably didn't need to put the 'FUN' into FUNeral the other day. 
• This is why I don't go out much.

Mark Chapman has apologized for killing John Lennon, saying it was a 'despicable act'. In spite of that, he was denied parole for the 11th time. He might as well scrawl a swastika in his forehead and go with the Manson Defense. I miss old Charlie... he was nothing if not entertaining (after he got caught).



Russian Interference Daily: Pravda says they're watching the election closely, for any signs of tampering.

• Mrs lefty noticed her friends were packing on the pounds. She refers to it as 'The Covid 15'.

Our good pals at NASA are spending over $28 billion to send a man and woman to the Moon by 2024. How do they know a woman will qualify for the task? Oh, I get it, Social Justice. Of course there are great female astronauts, but I'm old fashioned and believe in the best person for the job. NASA didn't go all SJW when they put people on the moon the first time; they picked the best people for the job.

Ok, so $28 billion. Peanuts, right? Especially considering the Flying AIDS bailout. I'm still confused over this Moon thing. We were there before. Why is it such an allegedly impossible task to go back? Shouldn't we go to Mars or somewhere else? Will the aliens give the ship parking tickets? Will NASA invent [cue echo] SPACE TAMPONS?



It's that time again: nomination for Supreme Court. Who's good?

• M. Mouse
• Richard Nixon
• that Jewish chick from the pr0n movies, with the really big...
• Kim Jong Illin
• Jeffrey Epstein
• Vladimir Putin
• leave your suggestions in the comments

Perhaps it's women of a slightly more sane generation who don't 'get' the whole sexting thing. I say this because I had to explain it to Mrs lefty, who's north of 20. I complained that, even though I'm north of 20, I think it's a great idea, especially pictures. She remained unimpressed.  So I decided to explain it to her [cue imposing music].

It's disgusting.
Think of it this way.
Uh-oh - I smell mansplaining...
I like boobies, right?
Oh yeah. But mine are yucky.
You're missing the point.
Usually.
If you send me pics of them, you're doing something I love. It's not how you feel about them, it's how I feel about them.
Nobody wants to see that.
*I* want to see that.
I can't.
C'mon, this is the girl who flashed me in the middle of a mall.
Well, yes, but that was a long time ago.
They're the same boobies, I hope.... how about verbal?
I'll have to think about it.
Ok, try this: tell me all the things you're going to do to me when you get home.
That I can do. I'm going to ask you to take the trash out. Then I'm going to have you wash the dishes. If you're really good, you can cook dinner. Did I do that right?
I guess a blowjob is out of the question.

In the end, I got the result I usually get: "We are not amused."


Happys

David Coverdale - Whitesnake (69- how appropriate)
Ray Charles
Roy Buchanan - talented, influential guitar player
Tony Hymas - played with Jeff Beck
Dan Toler - Allman Brothers/Dickie Betts, highly underrated
Julio Iglesias - not a guitar player
Linda McCartney - famous photographer, spouse


Our idols are collecting Social Security. This is disconcerting.
After the final war, when even the cockroaches have died, there will be only Keith Richards, shacked up with Betty White.


Unhappys

Robert McIntosh - Average White Band
Robert Hunter - dead, Grateful Dead
Buckwheat Zydeco - accordion, a favorite breakfast food



SJW Stinkies

A former YouTube content moderator is suing the Google-owned company for failing to properly protect her and her co-workers from the mental harms caused by reviewing hours and hours of graphic footage every day.  Ya reap what ya sow, YT. The people you hired to 'protect' us are suing because you didn't protect *them*.

According to a hashtag, it's National Mental Health Month.
I'm beyond help, but the rest of you suffering need to talk to someone. It turns out you don't have to feel like this. Your first step is to ask for help. You can ask the standard therapists or mental health workers in general. If you can't afford it, check with your city or county: there are programs for you. Oddly enough, some religious institutions can help (I know a pastor who took psychology so he could help, instead of telling you to pray on it). Talk to friends and/or relatives. Someone knows someone who can help. There is a way back to 'normal', WTF that is. Remember: if you're depressed, you might not come around to read this blog, which would make me unhappy. Leave a comment if you need to chat - they are not public until made so.

statues are fighting back..

Sparky Lowenstein Eats Ants

Your love is like a birthday cake on fire

• Police departments across the nation are experiencing retirements and great difficulty recruiting.  Why wouldn't recruits be standing in line? 

Dear lefty 

• Somebody suggested we go to a club and hear a dj set. What is that?
• the result of someone being too cheap to hire a band 

RIP Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Her wish was that she not be replaced until the next administration. If Trump gets re-elected, she'll spin in her grave. Meanwhile, Trump says Ginsburg's wish was written by Schiff, Schumer, and Pelosi. Fire them all.

• I know you're wondering what's in wildfire smoke. Find out.
• Let's think really good Thermionic Thoughts for the people stuck there. Take a minute, please. Every thought counts. It's a mess out there.

Hey, if the Flying AIDS has hurt your financial prospects, re-invent yourself. This is the 20s - be creative - fill a need. The nation needs people to create Video Spaces. These are the clean, clear, well-lit spaces people need when they have video conferences with others. They make other people think they live in a clean, clear, well-lit space; while the truth is there's a crew from Hoarders on their way out. Think about it....

Fortunately I don't have to video conference. If my boss ever asks, I tell him the entire area is full of things people would find offensive, and I wouldn't want to offend anyone. He knows me well, so I don't have to video conference.

And speaking of the Flying AIDS, all the 'experts' have decided to get together to make this a happier, healthier, and more intelligent world. The World Health Organization/UN says the Flying AIDS could spread through airborne particles that can remain suspended in the air and travel beyond six feet. The CDC has previously said the virus mainly spreads from person to person through respiratory droplets when a sick person coughs, sneezes or talks. Except for a statement 'posted in error' that said ... something or other.... forgot about airborne transfer... virus spreads through air, travels beyond 6 feet.... Monday is a bad day to change things, especially if people are watching.

Got that?


We know I don't get out much, but when I do, I see everyone walking around with masks inside and it bothers me to the depths of my soul. Not that they're wearing masks-I am too. Just that we're where we are. Usually this kind of reaction means something...



Kinky

Tinder date chopped into 11 pieces after being stabbed to death during sex.



All passengers on Epstein's flight logs to be named 'sparking panic among rich pals'. The Attorney General for the US Virgin Islands is demanding them. Las Vegas oddsmakers expect the Attorney General to 'commit suicide' on the day of delivery.

In other news, China is making all sorts of claims, including an attack on a US base, showing clips from Hollywood action movies. Most countries agree it's bad form to bomb China, but we have a secret weapon: the Motion Picture Association of America. As soon as it finds out China is violating copyrights, it will immediately issue a stack of injunctions, then sue China into non-existence. Let the lawyers do what the stealth bombers can't.

Relationships have many stages, especially long-term relationships. I'm still trying to figure out which stage we're in. Last week she looks at me and says, "You look gray." Alrighty then... it's probably not my age, so...

Last night she looked at me and said, "It looks like somebody punched you in the eye." Show me the person who says romance is dead... and I'll beat them over the head with a baseball bat.

• It was so cold outside the other night, my nipples were chattering

DOJ Designates New York City as an “Anarchist Jurisdiction”
We're not quite at Peak Weird, but we're getting there.

• The grocery store has Chocolate Frosted Flakes again!
• The plastic inside is tougher (I ate through the box).

RANT

We have had occasion to rent cars over the past few years. Every one of them has sucked, especially the most recent, a Toyota Corolla, apparently considered midsize. It's small, plastic, and gives no confidence in its ability to continue being a car. Some of my rant comes from growing up with Real Cars<tm>, which normal people call Land Yachts. All of the sudden, cars got horribly small, because of gas prices. However, no one at all made a large car - large was still pretty damn small. The SUVs are large-ish, but carry less than the old station wagons. If these gas-hogging vehicles are so damn popular, why not a large car still? It's funny to note our ancient Hyundai, our first small car (which everyone still says is large) is far superior to any rental we've had. They keep getting smaller, using more plastic, and riding like crap. All we really want is a large car with great ride. Mrs lefty has all sorts of back problems, so comfort is important. The final word on the Toyota is 'it rides like shit' and 'even the steering wheel is too small.'

The reissue of the super sportsters, like the Camaro and Challenger, proves there's a market for large cars. They don't even have to make them muscle cars. Nostalgia is something on which to capitalize - the guitar market is full of it.

/END RANT

Births

Bobby Tench - Jeff Beck Group
Don Felder - Eagles
Faith Hill - [sigh]
Nuno Bettencourt - Extreme
Mama Cass Elliot - a Mama with the Papas (Ellen Naomi Cohen)
Lita Ford - 62!!! metal momma


Exits

Jaco Pastorius - Weather Report, simply the best
Boz Burrell - Bad Company
Leonard Skinner - high school gym teacher, inspiration for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Slim Dusty, Skeeter Davis - go ahead and guess what kind of music they played

SJW Sniveling

JK Rowling banned from bookshelves to create a ‘safe space for the trans community’  Book burnings! Harry Potter Dons Dior!

Church's woke advert featuring a bearded Jesus with women's breasts and make-up sparks outrage


Twitter investigates racial bias in image previews

  also font color and size 

Mayonnaise in Relation to Ferrets

So I'm on a conference, using video for the 2nd time, and I see myself in a tiny window up top. At the bottom of the tiny window, it says YOU. Good thing, too, in case I forget who I am.


Your love is like  a kick in the nuts.


Russian interference in the election appears to be heating up: Yuri asked Jesus to make the American elections fair.



Dear lefty

• What would you do if I sang out of tune?
• I would stand up and walk out on you  

• Is Lucifer Satan?
• How the hell should I know? Maybe it's one of those trinity things, with Lucifer, Satan, and Hillary. (It turned out to be Dick Cheney, because Hillary scared everyone too much.

You'll be shocked and sickened, but perhaps not surprised, to learn that Lyme Disease was a manufactured disease, caused by weaponized ticks. The ticks did not just appear by themselves. Once again, Fort Detrick was involved. I would not trust Fort Detrick to manage some spare cardboard, because they'd weaponize it, then it would go missing. This was part of a program your government used, right after the Bay of Pigs, to get even. It involved lice, ticks, and who knows what else. Lyme started in the state of Washington and Lyme, Connecticut at the same time. What a coincidence! Naturally there's all sorts of stonewalling, involving everybody's friends at the CDC and NIH. You know, the people who will be our saviors with the Flying AIDS. Yes, your government is trying to incapacitate you. As described, Lyme is pretty nasty, and that's after you get the diagnosis. Click the link and gain some knowledge. Take it with you to the polls in November.

Your government is trying to kill you. At least in Washington state, where a heat ray was requested against protesters in Lafayette Square. The police requested one from the National Guard, which doesn't use them. The weapon is essentially a microwave oven, to make skin feel like it's burning. Authorities say it causes no permanent damage (unless your fries aren't done and you have to put them back in the beam). Being a huge fan of the right to protest peacefully and the rule of law, police certainly need something for crowd control, when it gets violent (only) but between microwave projectors and LRADS, the weaponization of police via the army has gone too far.

• Harvey Weinstein was stripped of his honorary (British) CBE. They couldn't tell him because whenever you say 'Harvey Weinstein stripped,' he gets very excited.

In yet another vindication, the director of the FBI said it's a mistake to get election information on social media. It would be a lot faster and easier to just quote me.

• Occasionally I need recognition  -maybe a gold star. At no point today did I say that the First Lady had the first set of implants in the White House. I didn't even ask the president if it was true. Just put it on the fridge - this is my first one.

It wasn't bad enough that we had Attack of the Stereo Lawnmowers. Now we have Attack of the Commercial Lawnmowers. Naturally I learned about this during a virtual meeting. The only thing missing was cutting down trees and feeding them into the Chopper Machine. A coworker wanted to feed her husband into a Chopping Machine, but it left too much evidence. Now that I think about it, she was probably right.

The only thing good about this changing weather is that the bleedin' grass will stop growing, so I can stop mowing. It's a gift from God, or whoever controls the weather.


Dear l33t haxors: be careful where you ransom. A German woman died because of ransomware, after she had to be transferred to a more distant hospital. Now you've gone from ransomware to murder. The hackers eventually provided the decryption key.

• Human footprints dating back 120,000 years found in Saudi Arabia
• don't they ever clean? 

In the meantime, right outside my window, is the Commercial Lawnmowers, with that backpack thingie, going VOOM VOOM. There is no mechanical reason for it to go VOOM VOOM, but the mowers really like it and it lets people know there are Professhionels around. If there were any way to make a noise like a 190 decibel plane taking off, they would. VOOM VOOM.



Here are the winners of the 2020 Ig Nobel Prizes to make you laugh, then think.

There's so much going on here, including a bunch of researchers proving that knives made of human feces do not work well.



We visited Ebay, 5 days ago, to order some Stuff. The stuff ordered from literally 5 miles away has not arrived yet. The vendor said this is because it was shipped from Houston, which, according to my memory of high school geometry, is more than 5 miles away from my house. No one knows why Ebay thinks Houston = Philly. I got notice that the next item will arrive early. Yes, the item from California will arrive in 6 days. Everything else will arrive from 9 days to a few months. I still have not received the vibrator female massage device from the last order. Perhaps Ebay does not ship cross-country, which would make sense.  Ebay ships the other way, cross-Russia, hence the delays. Have you ever looked at the delivery dates? It could take over a month to get a phone cover from Nevada. 6 weeks for some electronic parts from Ohio (the next state over). Perhaps this is all a ploy, so they can tell you the purchase is arriving 'early'. I used to avoid ordering from suppliers in China, but that stuff is now getting here faster than the continental US purchases.

My first real job was shipper/receiver, a looong time ago. I remember how long it took and how much it cost to send things all over the country. Let's say the shipping prices have risen exponentially, as has the time to ship things. Worse, some of the expedited shippers use the USPS for the final leg of the journey. So it will take 3 days to get across the country, then another month to get to the final destination. Across the country used to take 5 days, sometimes 4 if you were lucky.

• Every now and then I'm forced to look over the top singles list. I recognize fewer and fewer alleged artists on the lists, and none of the songs. 
• Yesterday someone referred to a Radiohead song as arguably the most important song of the 90s. Oops.... never heard it. And this guy was a guitar player, not a fanboi.
• Camila Cabello is very attractive: haven't heard her music. I'm guessing it's better that way.

This is going to be an historic election.
I'm not sure why, but just keep repeating the above.
Either loser will raise taxes and continue bombing other countries.
At least I'm voting for someone who represents my principles.

With that in mind, here are some voting tips, to make your voice heard

• Vote early, vote often.
• Don't bother - it won't count anyway
• You're American - we don't show up over 50% anyway
• There are a lot of advantages to mailing in your ballot, the least of which is not standing in a socially-distanced line, stretching all the way to the next polling place, and decorated with socially-distanced tape. And your nose sweating all the way. Then there's the USPS, which will always deliver your item, even if it takes 100 years, as recently proven. Start mailing now, folks.
• If you vote by mail, know that you must obtain a form to obtain a form to vote. Then somehow make it all the way to the mailbox, where it might will be picked up by one of the many federal workers assigned to the project.
• Speaking of Federal workers, if you like marijuana but don't partake because it's illegal, just hang around in back of a post office. Second hand smoke is a bitch. WARNING: unless you're a federal worker, take the rest of the day off work.
• If you're in Chicago, don't worry.. there are many dead people whose votes can take your place. If it matters, you may want to find out how they're voting.

SJW Smattering

Lady Gaga says "every American drinks the poison that is white supremacy."
  -Tastes like Yoo Hoo


If all 4 of the Beatles were somehow to reunite, there would be complaints that there were no women or people of color in the band. That they were a band held aloft by white privilege.

Rocket Farts in the Car

No, really... my brother somehow managed to violate physics, which shouldn't be surprising to us, but there we are. We'd go places in the car, with him in the back seat. He would let his anus do the talking and people in the front seat would smell it before he did. Science did nothing to explain this phenomenon and we were left with no choice but to open the windows, in the dead of winter. He's lucky he got to stay ride in the car.

A chemical that shouldn't be there has Science all atwitter (including Twitter). Phosphine might indicate life on Venus. It is also possible my brother farted and it was discovered on Venus before it was discovered on Earth.


Your love is like  a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the peanut butter



Dear lefty

• What will it take to have you join Faceyspaces?
• What will it take for you to have an intimate relationship with your mother? 

Russian interference in the upcoming election goes on: just yesterday, Irina said she should like to visit American sometime.

• Paddleboard lesson gets the seal of approval

Microsoft declares its underwater data center test was a success

Putin declared elections were fair in Russia.

I can only see one thing wrong: it's called Single Point of Failure. One leak and the project is all wet, so to speak.

• Fun Fact: of the world's 500 fastest supercomputers, 500 run linux.

When Nikola posted a video of its driverless truck driving, they enlisted the aid of their assistant: Mr. Gravity. Seems the truck is not entirely ready for primetime, and was shown driving rolling down a hill. The entire auto industry popped its head up and took notice, amazed that all these years, they thought the cars had to run first. For its part, Nikola said it did not lie: the clip was called "Nikola One Electric Semi Truck in Motion."

In other news, a ship with no crew is going to sail across the Atlantic.

Downhill? 

• Today's gold star for bravery goes to Alexei Navalny, the poisoned Putin critic, who will be returning to Russia.
• Godspeed, Alexei. And good luck getting life insurance.

Thought Experiment(s) 

Let's pretend Faceyspaces is a company concerned with privacy and that most people on the planet log in to share words, not private information. An American outfit, Faceyspaces has some concept of freedom of speech, although is not bound by it. As the outfit expands, it runs up against countries who do not think as highly about freedom of speech as Americans. This is where things go awry. It started with the European Union's privacy legislation. Apparently countries think they can censor the internet. Apparently they're getting away with it.

The latest is "Hate speech on Faceyspaces is pushing Ethiopa dangerously close to a genocide." First notice the use of hate speech. Hate speech, as a term, has no place in America: all speech is speech, whether or not you agree with it. Anti-freedom groups were started, an artist was assassinated, and now there are lynchings. Property is being destroyed, as if there were a Black Lives Matter protest.

If I ran Faceyspaces, I'd refuse to go into Ethiopia.

Faceyspaces already had to bend over backwards with censorship to go into China, so why bother in either country? Stay where speech is relatively free.

It's a true dilemma, to a company that cares about privacy and human lives.

Fortunately, Faceyspaces doesn't care about either in real life. In a move nobody saw coming, they're on the other side of throwing off people they didn't like.

• We have inaugurated a new financial program, here at the home of ThermionicEmissions, real life. Whenever one of us spends money, the other one is entitled to spend the same amount. While all the shoe stores in the state will feel the loss, things will be more equal. This has worked out well in the last month.
• Now all I have to do is tell her.

Happys

BB King
Kenney Jones - Faces/Who


Byes

Marc Bolan - "Bang a Gong"
Mary Travers - Peter, Paul &
Johnny Ramone - go ahead, guess...
Richard Wright - Pink Floyd
Ric Ocasek - Cars

He's right, you know...  

President Trump is banning diversity training, claiming it's divisive, anti-American propaganda. The article goes on to say why he's wrong. Why is that? The person who wrote it has a book on diversity in the workplace. Nice job, Forbes... you can't even manage a semblance of objectivity.

Late to the Party, number 237 

I finally saw an overview of Tiger King.

I have never seen Tiger King and was only aware of it as a punchline.

Hot Tap-Dancing Jesus, wa-HOO - it's got everything: a flaming homosexual, an arch-villain, a disappeared spouse, real live very large pussycats, Southern Charm, and animal rescue organizations. And ugly. It's got a whole lotta ugly. Apparently people have been postponing their Faceyspaces activities long enough to watch it. If the Russians get this program run on election night, that's all they have to do.

Yesterday it was uncomfortably hot in my office. Today it's actually cold. I should get some long pants or fire up the space heater, but I will do neither. To do either would be to admit summer is on its way out, so I'll sit and shiver. I'm a man, dammit.

• The 'safety driver' of an Uber self-driving car was charged with negligent homicide, for the death of a pedestrian in Tempe, AZ (a nice place). What was she doing when the car hit the pedestrian at 38mph? Streaming The Voice. This would be funny if there weren't a pedestrian involved - mucking foron.
• The single most important part of a self-driving car is not hitting anyone or anything. It failed. Not Ready for Prime Time. I keep saying this, but for some reason, no one does anything.

If you don't believe America's police are held up as an example to the rest of the world, a Victoria, Australia, police officer appears to stomp on a man's head during an arrest. The man had mental health issues. Now all that's left is for the police to claim he pointed a gun at them.

• Japan would like you to know that Yoshihide Suga is not a food additive: he's the new Prime Minister.

A privacy bug in Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden's official campaign app allowed anyone to look up sensitive voter information on millions of Americans, a security researcher has found.  When asked for comment, Biden said, "What's privacy?"

• Dunkin Donuts is accused of covering up the fact that hackers siphoned off customers' personal information in 2015
• Why did the Terminally Confused provide their personal information to a donut vendor?

Kim Kardashian and dozens of celebrities are freezing their Faceyspaces and Instagram accounts to protest hate speech. You can tell they're serious, because they closed their accounts... oh.... never mind.  This is a very interesting item... first Faceyspaces got rid of the alt-right. Then the general right. Then anyone performing Wrongspeak. Only now are the Worthless Class taking notice, and adding their voices to the Stop Hate for Profit campaign. Apparently Faceyspaces hasn't thrown enough people off yet. Naturally the NAACP and ADL are involved, claiming Faceyspaces is "falling short of what is necessary to protect our democracy." We call this kind of uninformed misinformation domestic terrorism, but don't insist it be pulled from the news and internet.

See what you've done, Lord Zuck?

You were doing us a 'favor' by kicking off Wrongthink groups. Now you haven't kicked off enough of the right Wrongthink groups. Or Something. And the Whining Class is now demanding you run your business their way. I hope you're feeling smug now.  Once again, Told You So.

Memo to Tzipi's Alligator

Your love is like pulling out nose hairs



Dear lefty

• Do I curtsy upon meeting the Queen?
• sure - make sure you wear your fanciest dress, Bob. They love that shit in England.

No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished
Police are looking for man handing out free heroin; multiple overdoses connected.

• San Francisco may allow 16/17 year olds to vote 
• I'm against this: many 30 year-olds shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Russian election interference continues, unstopped: Ivanovich says Biden is ahead in some polls, but then again, Putin was behind in some polls.


Over the weekend, we were not allowed into a very popular guitar chain, because my service elephant was not wearing a mask. They're already on the verge of bankruptcy; wait til I get done suing them. Americans with Disabilities Act, animal cruelty, the court of the internet, and the court of ThermionicEmissions (which acts like a dictatorship, with a semi-benign dictator).



Major league sports is having a problem. Their fans desperately want to get back to major league sports, but they can't get into the stadiums in significant numbers. They're also very unhappy about non-sports activities, booing the players' SJW shows. I think the fans are going to give up after their teams start to play horribly, because they spent so much time arguing and choreographing their protest rituals, they forgot to practice their actual sport.

We refuse to practice as long as people of color are arrested.
Ok, but we still have to not take the field during the national anthem.
But how can we take a knee if we're not on the field during the national anthem?
COACH!
Yes?
Smith wants to stay off the field during the national anthem, but Babbit wants everyone to take a knee during the national anthem.
Hmmm... well, how about not taking the field during the national anthem, but coming out on the field afterward, then taking a knee?
Oh...   Coach, you're the best.

Coach?
Yes?
In solidarity with Black Lives Matter, I won't be catching any balls.
Humphries, the entire point of the sport is to catch the balls.
See? People will notice better when I stand on my head when the ball goes by.
Look, I don't mind you protesting, but what's the point of putting you out there?
So I can show solidarity with... umm.. .BLM.
OK, Schmitt - you back Humphries up.
Can't, Coach.
Why not?
I can't touch any balls touched by white people, in solidarity with the Palestinians.
Schmitt, the Palestinians are white.
But.... but...  My wife is feeding me stuff again. Don't I look the fool?

Coach?
Yes, DeLance?
In solidarity with the rest of the team's solidarity, I won't be coming out of the locker room.
DeLance, the team spent thousands on therapy because you wouldn't come out of the locker room - don't blame it on solidarity. It's called a relapse. Call your doctor.

Coach?
What now, George?
I... I... I want to come out of the locker.
Is it too crowded with DeLance there?
I'm trans.
I see. Keep the new boobs well-protected.

[ring]
Coach, it's for you.
Yes. Yes. I see. Yes, thank you.

Ok, guys (and soon to be girl), that was the general manager. You're going to be docked for each minute you're not on the field, playing.

TEAM: What time do you want us on the field, Coach?

• Is there a sign somewhere outside the house that says Fun Time for Birds? There's another one flying around.... every door and window is shut. Thus far, the Great Hunter hasn't moved from her perch to dispatch the intruder.
• Great hunter woke up: I don't think barking and whining at prey helped catch it. Does evolution laugh at the spaniel that catches birds and sleeps in the bed, on Mommy's legs?

Unrelated:
The NFL would like to introduce its new general manager, Colin Kaepernick.
Kaepernick welcomes the chance to have the NFL serve him and to steer the League into a more socially-acceptable role. He stated that after a few years, they might even play a little football, but for now they have a lot of battles to fight, off the field.

• Scientists discover area of brain that controls sexual desire in men
• it's a very wide swath, roughly from the front to the rear 

The grandson of former president Warren G Harding wants to have his remains exhumed to prove a DNA match. The grandchildren of former vice president Spiro Agnew want to have his remains exhumed, so people will say Spiro Agnew again.



At least 1 humpback whale remains in an Australian river after making a wrong turn and getting lost. Hollywood has postponed its Affirmative Action Runup to the Oscars and is on its new campaign: GPSes for the Whales! Gwyneth Paltrow and Bette Midler almost drowned, when the whale failed to recognize them.

• A dear departed coworker said I hate the sound of laughter. She's wrong: you need to see the Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2020 contenders.

Alleged computer hacker Lauri Love: Living with my autism.

Hacker Gary McKinnon: I'm autistic, you can't extradite me.

Me: I can't hack - I'm not autistic enough.

• Oregon's Firefighting Helicopters Are Deployed in Afghanistan as the State Burns
• yes, but... but... they're fighting for our freedoms!!! 

Please don't use Internet Explorer. It's got more holes than Swiss cheese; like Windows, but worse. It's time to drag yourself into the 90s and find something else. I mention this because of an expanding malvertising issue (an ad injects Bad Stuff into your browser). A newer browser will allow you to install an ad blocker, so you won't have to deal with malvertising and you won't have to deal with advertising at all. I'll tell you how well they work: I don't see ads. When I look at someone's computer without an ad blocker, I'm astounded at the number and intrusiveness of ads. I recommend Firefox. While Chrome/Brave/Opera/Vivaldi will work, they're all Chrome knockoffs and may phone home to Google. Iridium is built on Chrome but de-Googled. Firefox has never failed me. Install the Ublock addon and no ads. No junk. Very simple. Also go to this site and follow the directions to install a new HOSTS file. The 2 suggestions will help you a lot.

• The system the pr0n industry uses to track HIV works so well, experts are considering it for the Flying AIDS.
• Once again, pr0n saves the day

27" Displays Displaying 28"

‘Transsexual Satanist anarchist’ whose slogan is ‘f*** the police’ wins GOP nomination for New Hampshire county sheriff


Your love is like root canal



Dear lefty

• When I go to my girlfriend's house, is it proper to kiss her mom on the cheek?
• left nipple

In these days of intentionally mangled political communications, miscommunications, distortions, and downright lies, it's good to see someone telling it like it is, speaking unequivocally:

Belarus opposition politician told she would be deported 'alive or in bits'

United Sued for Packing NFL Charters With Young, Blond Crews

...and the problem is?
Ah yes, more interference.

Today in Flying AIDS news, singing is among the easiest ways to spread it.
I've been telling people not to sing forever. Usually after somebody turns the radio on.

PA Idiot Governor hath decreed that alcohol may not be served after 10pm. However can we thank him for nannying the entire state? His highness also allowed restaurants to go from 25 to 50% occupancy. He needs to be impeached. If we need his 'help', we'll be sure to ask for it. It really is America here... we can make our own decisions. Recommendations won't hurt, but they have no idea what's going on anyway. This is no doubt happening in your US state too.

• Russian election interference, latest edition: Pavlotsky overheard saying, "That's going to be quite an election over there."

Russian, Chinese, and Iranian hackers are targeting the election, according to Microsoft. Can we get this from a reliable source, please?

• In his most recent commercial, Joe Biden emphasized education and promised free admission for all to the electoral college.
• President Trump, in his most recent press conference, dismissed claims of racism. He noted his nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize, and mentioned that the darkie before him also got one.

The pope says the pleasures of food and sex are 'simply divine'.

Sure, when you get your food prepared and your little boys delivered to you.

• Ya know how people say a rabbit's foot is lucky? Apparently Penny didn't get the email: she just brought us a rabbit's head.
• I am terrified to get in bed.

This week, the British government announced limits on gatherings of people to groups of no more than six. 7 people were dragged from the water at Brighton, by police with SCUBA gear. 27 soccer football games were broken up by police dressed as grass. 157 pubs were raided, by police dressed as Guinness, and Scotland Yard arrested itself.  Parliament wanted to make clear that this was for the good of the country, and that video conferences of more than 6 people are also on the banned list.

In other news, the Prime Boris was asked for additional funding for police. It seems they're so busy busting up gatherings of more than 6 people, that they've stopped dealing with any other crime. Just yesterday, a man walked down the street with a carpet knife in his pocket. He would only have been stopped if he met 6 of his buddies down the carpet store (by police dressed as carpet tacks).

BIRTHS

Tommy Shaw - Styx
Mickey Hart - Grateful Dead


LEFT THE BUILDING

Joe Zawinul - Weather Report

SJW Sandpaper 

In France, the book "Men, I Hate Them" is selling very well, in spite of the ministry on gender equality's statement that the book incites hatred on the grounds of gender, which is a criminal offence. The publisher called it a "feminist and iconoclastic book" that suggests misandry can actually be a way of "making room for sisterhood."    yes, we broke the law, but it's ok


Why black Americans are more likely to be vegan.
because meat is racist


NFL ratings drop double digits, fans boo
Dolphins won't take field for national anthem

The University of Michigan-Dearborn hosted racially segregated events on Tuesday, one for “Non-POC,” and the other for “BIPOC” (Black, Indigenous, and People Of Color) students.    Contacted for comment, Dr. King just continued to spin in his grave.

Cher calls Trump a 'mass murderer' & says 'punishment is death' in deleted tweet

Dog - The Smartest Person in the House

Russian interference in the upcoming election has taken a step up, with several Russian IPs accessing Google, with the phrase 'how to hack american election'.


Your love is like a shot to the groin



Dear lefty

• What are you doing for Halloween?
• We got some of those huge bags of candy to give out. We're going to sit there and eat them.

Halloween's coming.
I know this because last month the candy displays were up at the grocery store.
So.....
Halloween in the age of the Flying AIDS.
Virtual trick or treating? Is there an app for that?
Perhaps technology will help - kids can stand at least 6' from your door and send a drone to get the candy. Maybe a 6' grabber, like the ones to get things off tall shelves.

Hospitals used to xray candy for free. If you want an xray, your copay will be $450. Will they test your candy for Flying AIDS for free?  Do you need to take the temperature of the person giving out candy at every house? Does every piece of candy have to be disinfected, in case someone breathed on it? How do hundreds of children incorporate a mask into their costume?

• The president has gotten more excited about Space Force. Apparently the aliens have been buzzing the Space Station again.

Yeah yeah, I'm always late to the party.
I know the Tonight Show is on but I've never seen any of the last few versions.
Until last night.

This is not 'old person telling kids to get off his lawn' - this is 'they call THAT a tv show?'

A split screen with the host on the left and guest on the right, talking from home.
When they went to commercial, a shot of a dude in his home studio, playing the guitar. He's the 'band'.

No. This is not a tv show. Especially one with a heritage that goes back waay before any of us were born. You can no doubt find clips with Steve Allen or Johnny Carson - funny stuff. Jay Leno too. This 'adapt to Flying AIDS' tv is sad, to be polite. Local news is also a parody of itself. I am not suggesting the host and guests shoot themselves - maybe just a hiatus. Although....

• I was raised well, in spite of what you read here. While at the mall for the first time, I yawned and went to cover my mouth. Stupid masks.

Today's best auction item: you can get the receipt for the purchase of a 1963 left handed guitar for only $500. Bargain at half the price. If you can't stand that kind of magnificence, you can opt for the $100 Ford Tractor receipt from 1950.



Today's best phrase: My parents were Chinese orthodox Jews from Iran.
I heard this because I'm not feeling well, so my darling wife decided to cheer me up with a nice tv show about the Holocaust.

Chinese Jews.
This lends itself to all sorts of jokes that would never be tolerated in public.

What do you get when you combine the Chinese with the Jews?
The owner of a car dealership who can't drive.

But I'd never lower myself to that level.

• And another thing.
• Working from home has been the greatest thing ever to happen to meetings. You can nap for the entire meeting, with no fear of anybody catching you. Not so much as a yawn, plus you get credit for attending. If you must use video for meetings, forget anything I said. Or get a picture of yourself and put it in front of the camera, then snooze blissfully. If anybody asks you a question, ask them to repeat please, because you're having audio issues.

Working from home is not all peaches and cream.
People are starting to resent workers who are also parents, as they have to juggle both jobs. Trust me, juggling children is not something that should be done at home.

You also have to adapt to normal business practices. H/R now sends you Black Lives Matter flyers to print out and hang in your office. I got one today for Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. It will look fabulous next to my Worldwide Women's Breast Awareness poster. After last week's meeting with H/R, I no longer want to send them a picture of my prostate. Ok, I really do, but I'm not going to. My boss calls that 'growth'.



I just like to watch things burn....
The president was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for the Israel/UAE peace agreement. The silence is deafening. I said last year that if Trump achieved peace in the middle east, people would find a way to fault him for it. On the 4th, Serbia and Kosovo agreed to normalize economic ties, in a US brokered deal.

Yeah, but why did it take him so long?
If Obama was president for life, he would already have it done.
Look at that tie!
He's an antisemite. No, wait... he's sexist.
Notice he hasn't brought peace to any latin countries. He's still a racist.

I'm still voting for Jo Jorgensen. We have the highest debt ever, we still have war or troops in more countries than we all have fingers. Civil rights are being shredded daily. You were just held prisoner in your own house. Government is the largest it has ever been, and only grows. 



You think your day was bad?
A Tennessee woman got test results saying she is positive for the Flying Aids.
She can't read the letter because she died in February.
The test was in June.
She anticipated the outcome: the letter said she had to isolate.



I hate Windows. Bill Gates should be tried as a war criminal.
Put in password, connect to work. Oops, it won't connect. Shock.
I've had it - just reboot. Since I was in a hurry, I selected "reboot without updates", so it sat there, staring at me for a few minutes before it performed the updates I told it not to, then finally rebooted, at which point it did a few more updates. Then it sits there and mocks me, while 'checking my status.' It knows full well that my status is 'sitting there, staring at it, wanting to reformat it and install linux,' but I'm still on probation for the last time I did that to a work computer.

This took 20 minutes.
I managed to get to my meeting exactly a few minutes late, as everyone was having their virtual coffee and discussing which words and phrases we should not use at national meetings (usually this part of the meeting focuses on me). The meeting, like most meetings, came complete with sound effects. The first one sounded like somebody dragging chains across a steel floor, then repeatedly throwing them up in the air. The owner of the noise apologized for his cat. Oh. We realized it wasn't chains - it was the cat playing a tambourine. This is a very interesting feline: normally it makes a noise like a baby screeching. Then comes the ocean noise.. kinda like a waterfall at its loudest point (turned out to be a coffee maker). This alternates with the construction on someone's home addition and minor demolitions testing (gotta keep the kids occupied). My coworkers told me not to say anything, because the last time, it only got worse. Plus all the noise is from The Boss.



Birthdays

Otis Redding
Buddy Holly (would be 84)
Ron 'Pigpen' McKernan - Grateful Dead
Ben Orr - Cars (sang "Who's gonna drive you home")
Chrissie Hynde - Pretenders
Joe Perry - Aerosmith


Checked Out

Keith Moon - Who?
Warren Zevon - Werewolves of cancer
Ernie Ball - pioneered development of guitar-related products
Hughie Thomasson - Outlaws
Diana Rigg (82) - The Avengers



SJW Stapling

Employees of the nonprofit DoSomething, which markets itself as "the largest tech company exclusively for youth and social change," are walking out today in light of allegations of racial abuse and toxic work culture at the company.   You will no doubt remember them as the company that pushed Apple to diversify emojis.

Hollywood is adding affirmative action rules to the Oscars

But Wait - If You Buy Now, We Won't Ship You Anything

Wildfires are leaving small towns almost destroyed in California and Washington. BLM claims they're 'peaceful' wildfires.


Your love is like  bathing a cat



Dear Hollywood:
I know none of you have an original idea, so why not a biography of Tiny Tim? It has everything: OCD, being born again, Howard Stern, left handed ukuleles, peeing in a bottle, marriage on the Tonight Show, and a singing voice that could shatter metal, but still isn't as bad as turning on the radio. The story writes itself, but who will play Tiny? Johnny Depp! That's going to take some serious makeup.



Dear lefty

• What can you tell me about this flashlight I bought?
• it runs on batteries or brain power. You'll need batteries.

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues: subscriptions to Election Hacking magazine have quadrupled.



Vivaldi, a newer browser based on Opera, is introducing a feature that will blank the browser to remind you to take a break.  Umm... Vivaldi... if we wanted to take a break, we'd take one. We use browsers because we need to browse... you know.. important sites.. hamster pr0n and the like. If we need to take a break, our tired, sore wrists and eyes will let us know, thank you.



They turned him loose. Yes, for the 2nd time this year, lefty has been allowed to leave the house. This was a particularly auspicious occasion because he was going to put his money where his mouth was, or at very least, his mouth where his money was... or... his money where the restaurant was.

We haven't been to one of our regular restaurants since at least February. They have an open dining room, so we were off. I was happy because you don't have to wear a mask. It would make eating a lot more interesting if you did. Mrs lefty insisted I needed a mask to walk in the door and looked at me like God was going to strike us dead because I disagreed. She has a t-shirt that says "I survived Catholic school."

The menu, normally a 47 page, multicolor book with video, was down to a 2 sided placemat. They type was so small I had to ask her to hold it up in the light, across the table, so I had a chance at decoding it. Drat and tarnation - I left my spyglass and telescope set at home again. Everything went smoothly, as it always does. Even the other guests were fine.

Since the restaurant was in close proximity to a mall that I kind of grew up in, we paid it a visit. Or rather, paid one store a visit. We go to malls and if there is a certain anchor store, Mrs lefty becomes anchored inside it. We have gone a number of times and never made it into the mall. They frequently have to 'gently remind' her that they're closing (about an hour ago). She was very nice to me and only spent a few hours there, making sure we could go into the actual mall. I'm still a little on edge, trying to figure out why she's so nice to me.

The first time I caught my reflection, I got a little weak and almost insisted we leave. Most people are uncomfortable with my reflection, but that's ok. I think the enormity of it all finally hit me.

I got to lookin' around, as this was my first time after the onset of the Flying AIDS. Granted, the crowd was quite thin, but everybody had their masks and I heard not a peep about anyone not wearing one. A lot of people agreed that there's no point in wearing a mask. I could tell because half of them didn't have their nose covered, with their mask ON. Everyone was suspiciously well-behaved. When was the last time you saw that? Social distancing wasn't a concern, except on the signs. If you went near shoes, the sign said to ask an employee or wear gloves. I like that - neither associates nor gloves were available, which made everything feel like normal.

The mall is particularly weird, in that 2 anchor stores closed (years ago) and the rest of the occupants are a few national chains and weird stores, some really low rent. Even that would have been normal, except a ton of the stores were gone, perhaps a third or more. I was stunned and sad. In conjunction with the owners of the closed stores, I would like to thank Idiot Governor for grabbing the power and keeping the state 'safe', even though we don't know what safe IS to this day. People lost their businesses and jobs because of this politician. It happened all over the country. There's a special place in hell for politicians, whoever let the Flying AIDS loose, and the people up the chain, who are seeing how well we do what we're told. I am sad for all of us.  Stay safe.

---------------------------------------------------

Imagine it's 2001.
Imagine seeing pictures of your familiar local mall in the year 2020. Everything looks normal except everybody has some sort of face covering. You're looking at the pictures, trying to figure out why... gas attack? Viral agent? Perfume bomb? Have we choked ourselves with pollution, like China? Have the wildfires in California spread across the country to the other coast? What could possibly have happened in 20 years? Do we want a future in which people have to wear masks outside?

---------------------------------------------------

• I'm hearing all sorts of odd noises from my stomach. I think my body is revolting. 
• Many others have told me this. How did they know, so far in advance? 

A lot has changed (no really?). First, people had to work from home. Now children have to school from home. This produces many unforeseen consequences...

Children now have a home classroom, making it extremely difficult to be disruptive or Class Clown. 'That kid', who sits in the back and eats paste, will miss out on the opportunity to be laughed at and bullied, because no one else in 'class' will see him. Right off the bat, the entire social structure of school has been disrupted. Other children will also miss out on learning how to point and laugh; usually the ones who pick on the very tall and short people in line, because the kids can't line up. Kids also can't make fun of other kids who don't have purple hair or who dress like heterosexuals or may be smart (nobody likes a smart student who knows all the answers). Everybody is going to be quiet during question time in hopes that Johnny will raise his hand. Johnny's father has a horrible temper, so whenever he answers, there's an unending stream of cursing in the background. The class listens intently to pick up some new phrases they can use on their parents. Susie's parents communicate exclusively by fighting, so they're also very interesting. This is a learning experience for future relationships. For the safety of the children, Susie's mic is muted if her parents' start to communicate with furniture or sharp objects. Little Barbie, formerly Bobby, loses the boost in self-esteem she'd get with the other students complimenting her on her transition and developing fashion sense.  There will be no way for the entire class to pick on a single student, which is a hallmark of any class at any school. This is the kind of rich student experience the kids will be missing out on. Nobody can pass obscene notes, because the teacher can't catch you doing it in email, where you also discuss the answer to #3 on the test. Of course you only have the class window open - you'd never use a browser to cheat - you're insulted by the accusation. You can't say 'your mother' because now everyone sees her pass the camera.

Working from home presents its own challenges. They start with garbage trucks, lawnmowers, ice cream trucks (with constant notice from students), and spousal input. Dogs are a handy disruption, because of barking, then people asking to hold the dog to the camera so everyone can see him. This can also be followed by the screaming after the dog bites because he doesn't want to be held up OR the person breaking their back, trying to lift 150lbs of labrador.

The screaming, laughing, and abject horror that comes from forgetting to MUTE the mic can come from either side. Everybody needs to remember to mute their mic when making fun of the teacher or boss. This is a lesson you don't want to learn the hard way.

• Remember thousands of people receiving packets of seeds in the mail (from China), with no idea why they got them? Hundreds have planted them.
• If the package had WARNING: ANTHRAX SEEDS in big red letters, hundreds would still have planted them. This is why our country is in the shape it's in.

You're going to be shocked, but Amazon is pricing their spy devices Alexas so apartment complexes will install them before you move in. After that, you will be required, by Amazon, to get the devices implanted in your anus, with all of your credit history. In spite of how horrifying this is, when Amazon wants something, you can show them your ass. I do already.

A Wisconsin priest who condemned Catholic Democrats has the support of a Texas bishop.

Father James Altman, pastor of St. James the Less Catholic Church, lashed out at Father James Martin, who participated in the Democratic National Convention. In a 10-minute video posted to YouTube, Altman called the priest a “hyper, confusing spreading heretic” and had harsh words toward Democrats.

He stomped his foot and ran out to his next appointment, at an all boys school.

Speaking of prayers, ours have been answered: the Kardashian show is off the air after 20 seasons. Our spiritual joy must be tempered by vigilance: you never know what they're doing next. They don't do well out of the limelight.
Suicide centers in Los Angeles are on alert and ask that the Great Unwashed do not have any emergencies during this trying time. Kaitlyn is so upset, some reports say she's changing back to Bruce. Hopefully she'll donate all her fabulous clothes to charity. The girls are reportedly so shicked, they're cheating with white guys. The mother is holed up in her mansion, too depressed to go for a facelift or, heaven forbid, shopping. The stores along Rodeo Drive are even offering to pick them up. It's a bad time in California, further proving the trickle down theory of economics. People of the world are begging Governor Newsom to pass a law, allowing the Kardashians tv shows in perpetuity.

The only way this could get any better is if I could make a living doing it.

White supremacy 'most lethal threat' to USA, 'Homeland' says...
Nope. That honor goes to our government.

SJW Stalls  

Italian designer Stella Jean says more needs to be done to tackle racism in the fashion industry.  

She's way off. We need to address the sexism in fashion. Go into any clothing store. 90% of floor space is dedicated to women. The men's section is over there, in a corner, next to the snow shovels.

Covid-19 is already the third-leading cause of death for African Americans this year. Why?        The virus is obviously racist.

But Wait!! The virus is also sexist, worsening gender inequality in the workforce. Hardest hit were childless married women. Parentism!!!!

Calls to boycott Mulan rise after Disney release

Something something... boycott... something something... Hong Kong police... something something... transgendered  

Why we're using 'womxn'

No, that's not a typo: 'womxn' is a spelling of 'women' that's more inclusive and progressive. The term sheds light on the prejudice, discrimination, and institutional barriers womxn have faced, and explicitly includes non-cisgender women.

STFX

ThermionicEmissions - the (un)official blog of the illuminati 
we're not proud - we'll take it any way we can get it

ssshhhhhh..... the laptops are talking to each other

I can't prove it, but I know my 2 laptops were talking to each other while I was out of earshot.

"Hey Newbie - how's it going?"
Ok. How are you?
Enjoying the rest, but feeling a little unloved.
Whatcha got in mind?
I'm thinking a semi-esoteric, difficult to diagnose problem.
Downright dastardly.
I'm gonna blow out a RAM chip. This makes it look like the display is dead, eventually blinking the Caps Lock and F8 keys alternately, then the Home key, every 2.5 seconds (on Thursdays only).
Wow, you old guys really have it together.
Thanks, Kid. Stick around - you might learn something.


Your love is like a Neil Diamond concert



Dear lefty

• Why do I bother asking you questions?
• because you have a strange desire to be insulted, like those guys who pay women to degrade them. You have it pretty good - I don't charge you for the service.

Russian interference in the upcoming election continues, with Yuri overheard saying, "I like Trump."

• Chelsea Clinton is really lucky. 
• because Hillary doesn't eat her own.

Commercials in Review

It's great too see that long-time victims are finally getting their due. All you need to do, if you were molested as a kid, is to decide whether it was the Boy Scouts or the Catholic Church. What would we do without lawyer commercials?

Guys- do you need to pee all the time? Here's a new bit of equipment we can install with a small surgery. It will stick out 6", which could work for or against you.

Do you have mild to moderate psoriasis? Do you know how to spell psoriasis?
Do you tell your friends that you have problems? How many have you told that the problems are mild to moderate? "Hey Marie - I have mild to moderate premature ejaculation." Oops - so much for that date. I have mild to moderate cancer - we're waiting for it to make up its mind. Mild to moderate depression: some days I stare straight ahead, some days I stand on the roof, staring straight ahead. Mild to moderate leg break: it sits at a funny angle on Mondays and Tuesdays. Mild to moderate arm hair fallout. Mild to moderate eyebrow curling.  Mild to moderate headache: what you get from reading too much ThermionicEmissions.

Angie Harmon is telling us about Lifelock. Never mind that I know more than she does, I want her to stop by and tell me all about it in person. In detail. With her hair down and Mrs lefty out of town. But I kid - I am 100% faithful to my wife. I can say this with certainty and smugness, because no one else would be foolish enough to sleep with me.

Are you one of the millions who suffer from toe fungus? It could be a warning sign of serious health problems. Or it could be flippin' toe fungus. Either way, I don't want to hear about that shit. Who knew you could get crotch cancer from talcum powder (besides the manufacturer)? The person on the commercial that told you is a doctor and a lawyer. Can you imagine that? Two times the income, but two times the personality holes, 2x the lack of patience, and 2x the arrogance. Now there's a great catch. I'm not a lawyer, but I play one on tv. I'm not a doctor, but I play one on my wife. It's not as fun as you might think: she plays nurse and all we do is argue over patient care. Perhaps if I gave her a raise....



From Lesbians to wrinkled wash in 2 paragraphs

My ex-work wife, the lesbian, finally opened up to me one day. She said, "How can I take you seriously, with your left eyebrow hairs going in different directions at the same time?" I finally figured out it was like my ex-drummer, who commented on my socks not being the same height. These people have OCD, and expect me to suffer for it. Not me, kids. I made things even for the work wife by messing up the hairs on the other eyebrow. As for the drummer, I moved one sock down further, which almost stopped his ability to play. Some would argue that his ability to play was stopped long before he got to the gig, but I don't have the time to go into that right now. While I'm meandering, I missed it, being a guy, and didn't notice til Wife bragged to somebody: she threw out all my socks with stripes around them (a long time ago). It might be related to the abject horror on her face when I showed her some shorts from when I was young. I'm looking for a happy medium... today's shorts are like a skirt, coming past your knees. Old ones were short. Short shorts are back in fashion, fortunately only for women. Unfortunately, only the wrong women will be wearing them. If you need to write BOOTYLICIOUS on your the butt of your pants, you aren't.

In closing, Wife has a problem with clean, wrinkled clothes. She gets (more) unhappy and insists on throwing them back in the wash. Meanwhile, I'm folding the wash and will find out tomorrow what happens when she discovers her clean pillowcase came out wrinkled. I might have to blog from the hospital.




What if the Real World Were Like Pr0n?

I finally did my homework.
You won't be able to hand it in til the teacher is done with her 3 student gangbang.

Your sister's really cute.
You can't have her til I'm done with her
What about your mom?
Mom's sleeping with her too.
Who does your dad sleep with?
The neighbor's teenage nymphomaniac daughter, who suns herself, naked, at our pool every day.

I need some guitar parts, but because of the Flying AIDS, Idiot Governor Newsom said the guitar store is non-essential.
It would be closed anyway.
Why?
They're filming a 56 man bukkake. It's ok - they're all wearing masks. Except one.

I want some Thin Mints.
You can't get them at the store, dummy.
There's a Girl Scout at the door, in a very tight uniform, who said she'll give me anything I want.
Ask for Samoas, please.



Mom, I just saw 2 homosexuals going at it.
Where?
[looks around, confused]  In the butt.

• Woman glued up her own vagina in attempt to frame ex-boyfriend for crime
• Expects to run for governor of California

Who died around this day?

Walter Becker - half of Steely Dan
Major Lance - Monkey Time (check out the Tubes' cover)


Birthdays

Freddie King - one of the 3 Kings of the blues (BB, Freddie, Albert)
Al Jardine - Beach Boys
Don Brewer - Grand Funk
Steve Jones - Sex Pistols
Eric Bell - Thin Lizzy
Billy Preston - Beatles, "Nothing from Nothing"
Danny Gatton - world's greatest unknown guitar player

• A South Carolina man was sentenced this week to two years in federal prison for taking government-owned networking equipment and selling it on eBay. 
• He was not sentenced for the theft - he was sentenced for being stupid.

SJW Stiction

Star Trek: Discovery is getting a transgender and a non-binary character.

"Star Trek has always made a mission of giving visibility to underrepresented communities," said a producer. The show's co-runner and executive producer Michelle Paradise added: "It believes in showing people that a future without division on the basis of race, gender, gender identity or sexual orientation is entirely within our reach."

Don't miss out on black start-ups, investors told

Jessica Krug, George Washington University professor, says she lied about being black     -will take ancestry test with Elizabeth Warren

On Thursday Oregon Governor Kate Brown and Democratic officials condemned the violence that had taken place in Portland,   I certainly feel better, now that they've done said something....

Salon told to change ad looking for 'happy' stylist because it 'discriminated against unhappy people'        -- go screw yerselves

Having trouble in the club? How bout stun gun shorts...