No Thanks - There's a Nap Out There With My Name on it

Your love is like  a giant oil spill

So I'm sitting here, realizing I need to complete this because I have so many people waiting on it.  SNAP. Ok, I'm back to 'reality.'

Today I identify as  a camp with absolutely no concentration

We've already established that Mrs lefty watches too much tv.

We've looked on in horror as she tuned in Home Shopping Channel and commented on sale items as if she knew them. We've gotten a terrible feeling hearing her refer to jewelry as 'pieces.' We've gotten douche chills when they call her if she hasn't purchased anything in a few days, to make sure she's ok.

The new thing is Supplements. Some dude comes on, selling supplements for this, that, and the other thing. The first one was for hair and nails, and it worked. The next was for a sleep aid, and it helped. This was a major miracle, as Mrs lefty has 'the mother of all sleep disorders.' She cannot sleep when tired, when awake, when tired for hours, when tired for days, when there's a holiday, when she has to get up early, at any point when sleep is important, and generally when it's dark. She has been prescribed enough sleep medicine to take out a battalion of marines, and stays awake. She's a very talented woman.

The latest supplement is to knock down your cholesterol numbers. Now hear this: it's chocolate. No really... you eat your food then eat some chocolate. This is a supplement I can really get behind. In fact, I have been practicing this most of my life. Naturally, Mrs Killjoy comes along and tells me the supplement chocolate has some sort of Plant Stuff in it. And it's dark chocolate. If there are 2 things I don't like, it's dark chocolate and plant stuff. It turns out you can't simply stuff your face with a Milky Way and expect to lower your cholesterol. What kind of world is this when chocolate doesn't cure everything? 

Since dark chocolate is still higher on the list than prescribed medicine, I'm going with it, dark chocolate and plant stuff aside. I'm also working on a circuit to stop all shopping networks from coming in on the tv. And blocking their phone numbers for when they call to check on her.

• The White House remains in disarray, with Biden still refusing to leave.

Dear lefty  

• Will this blog take on a more straight-laced, humanitarian bent for 2021?
• Are you #*$&ing kidding me? You should bottle and sell whatever it is you're sniffing. 

The NFL has asked the president (either one) to declare a national emergency: most of their quarterbacks have the Flying AIDS. They have demanded that the first shipments of The Vaccine<tm> go to NFL quarterbacks. If, for some silly reason, the players cannot be innoculated first, a president declaring a national emergency will allow them to keep collecting billions in insurance money.

According to NFL rules, the other way out is to bring in substitute quarterbacks, either from other teams, or people off the street. They tried to recruit Jessica "WAX MY BALLS" Yaniv, but her country of residence is Canada, and the rest of the players are terrified of her. While this would be a move of pure genius in hockey, it fails in football. Drew Carey and Jane Lynch are locked into tv contracts, and most of the retired quarterbacks have a bit of a Traumatic Brain Injury issue, and showed up to camp with baseball bats. Black Lives Matter showed up, but left when they realized they had nothing to complain about, so they took off to the NHL.

Szilard Demeter, ministerial commissioner and head of the Petofi Literary Museum in Budapest, compared George Soros to Adolph Hitler and the nazis. Mr. Demeter retracted his statement:

Fellow Hungarians, I apologize most humbly for saying George Soros was like Hitler and the nazis. It was a most unfortunate slip of the tongue. What I meant to say was 'George Soros is a very naughty boy,' so you can see how I made that mistake.

Joe Biden picked all women for his communications team.

We are told they all have nice-smelling hair.

My emails are getting weird.

Moreso.

No, really. Ever since Guitar Center announced Chapter 11. They already got all sorts of clingy and needy - now it's getting pitiful. They're coming in hourly....

Dear lefty: hey, that 15% off we gave you? Since we feel the way we do, make it 20%. 

Dear lefty: That 20% is still on the line. We're sure you heard about our Chapter 11. We thought we had a little love here. You bought a lotta strings from us. Just sayin...

Dear lefty: Chapter 11 means nothing if you don't come back...

Dear lefty: were you ordering from Amazon? 

Dear lefty: haven't the pedals meant anything to you? If we go bankrupt, there will be no more pedals.

Dear lefty: Musicians Friend ain't gonna be your friend because we own them too.

Dear lefty: remember that time you came in for a cord with that redhead.. the one that wasn't Mrs lefty?

Dear lefty: sometimes we miss you so much it hurts. Can you understand that?

Dear lefty: No, we don't carry a single interesting left handed guitar, but we promise, if you come back, we'll have 1 in every store...

Dear lefty: remember the back room?

• I know shipping is a little rough during the holidays, but my just-shipped package will arrive sometime between this month and late next month.

I was just told to let the dog out. Well, try to let the dog out.

You see, I don't think I let the dog out right. She stares at me and won't go near the door. Apparently her mommy lets her out better. The dog will not go near the door until her mommy gets up and walks toward it.

I told her she mows the lawn better too, but no luck.

Did you miss Black Friday or Black Saturday or Black Sunday because you were knocked out and tied up by escaped inmates? You're so in luck - it's Cyber Monday! Are you beginning to think this is all an even bigger attempt to get your money? Do you wonder how they came up with these names, and if there are more on the way? Kinetic Tuesday? WowWow Wednesday? Cyber-Stupid Thursday? Grossly Incompetent Friday? Flat Tire on the Information Highway Saturday? Sexy Sunday (where the deals are guaranteed but the sex isn't)? 

According to my inbox, which tells me solar weather (but not earth weather), my Black Friday coupons are still valid, and the state of my relationship with Guitar Center, there sure are a lot of sales. Gaming seems to be a huge category. Unfortunately, when the gaming craze started, I was left in a basket on church steps, and missed it totally. I know that if you call something 'gaming', you can charge 74% extra for it: get this limited edition gaming mouse pad - only $49.99! I know there's a Final Fantasy, but it's all a lie.. just when you think the fantasy was final, there's a Final Fantasy XII. I can't support that level of deceit. There are a ton of headphones; wireless, wired, and tie-yourself-up-in-the-cord. Some have mics, like a pilot, which partially hide your face. From what I've seen, people should pay extra for anything that hides their face. If you're going to buy anything that starts with Amazon Fire, don't. Every keystroke goes through Amazon, to the Bezos-Lair. Get yourself a regular old android tablet, that only goes through the Goog. After you bought Gaming Everything, you'll need a Gaming Chair from which to perform your Gaming Magic. The Herman Miller Gaming Chair is only $1,499. Snap em up before they're all gone!

There are wireless mice, which, if they're gaming mice, are horribly expensive. There are Xbox goodies... last time I checked, Xbox has a microphone inside that's always on. If you start talking about linux or Mac, your games won't work. Of course there are 43 different tv's for sale, mostly the same size.. the kids can fight over the 43" or the 44".

There are laptops. Cheap laptops. Believe me, you get what you pay for. There are gaming laptops, indicating you are not getting what you're paying for. At the Laptop Factory, Bob goes around to half the laptops, putting a GAMING sticker on them, so they can charge twice the normal price. There are lots of tiny 13" monitors, which are obviously marketed to children. I'd spend all day trying to boot up a 13" monitor because I couldn't see where to log in.

There are a ton of Apple products. Do not purchase an Apple product unless it has the $Expensive tag on it, otherwise it's a fake product.

Don't forget the mechanical keyboards, as opposed to the ones you use your mind for?

Get a good deal on SD storage for your phone or whatever. You need a place to keep your larger pR0n files.

The Insta Pot is deceptively named, because it still takes time to cook stuff - just less time. I have one... it took me longer because it had 3 lids and I couldn't figure out which one to put on. The directions were almost, but not quite, IKEA quality.

So yeah... Happy Buying. Remember your local stores, before their Idiot Mayors put them out of business due to Flying AIDS restrictions. Or Idiot Governors, who discovered prime shopping time was Sunday at noon, so he ordered all stores closed. To protect you.

People keep talking about the Vaccine<tm> to eradicate the Flying AIDS. There are other ways, you know. Allow me to list some:

• have Rosie Perez talk at it
• have the CDC and WHO attempt to make it more lethal
• have it star in the latest Hollywood blockbuster
• form Virus Lives Matter and peacefully march a lot, destroying other virus' stores and homes
• infect it with ransomware

Linus Torvalds, contentious father of linux, doubts linux will get ported to Apple M1 hardware.   --------> Who cares? 

So that illegally installed Monolith in Utah that the aliens put there in their never-ending quest to mess with us? It was illegally uninstalled. Somewhere, in a spaceship circling the planet, the grays are wetting their.... whatever grays wet.

• Baltimore public schools shut due to ransomware. This after Baltimore city shut due to ransomware. Obviously they hired (then fired) some uber competent IT folks. Be safe and stay out of Baltimore... if their traffic lights are computer controlled, it's gonna be a Big Mess<tm>.

Home Wi-Fi security tips – 5 things to check

• Story: Joe Biden fractured his foot while playing with his dog
• Reality: he tried to sniff Kamala's hair

 

Turkey Sandwiches, Turkey Soup, Turkey Ice Cream

Your love is like  chlorine gas

So we're all over T-day.

We stuffed, we slept.

My t-day was weird.

(say it isn't so, lefty)

We haven't celebrated at my house since that unfortunate incident with PETA and SWAT, so we are fortunate to get invited elsewhere. The way we were raised has us politely accept or decline only, rather than saying, "Great - this is what I'll need you to make for me," or "Are you f-ing kidding me? LAMB for Thanksgiving?"

As luck would have it, the lamb option came up.

Although I will defend your right to have anything you want at your T-day dinner to my last breath, LAMB? There are only 4 people on the planet who would eat lamb on T-day and the 2 of them that live together invited us. Of course we (or at least 1 of us) politely accepted, while the other one said, "LAMB? WTF is wrong with these people? LAMB." At this point you know that there was not just lamb, but 2 different kinds of lamb (the kind I didn't like and the other kind I didn't like).

The only possible action, assuming you politely accepted, is to bring turkey. And if you are allowed to bring turkey, you can sneak the rest of the dinner in. Yes, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, acceptable veggies, unacceptable veggies (Brussels sprouts- I like them - wanna fight?), and pineapple stuffing.  WAIT a minute... pineapple stuffing? For those of you playing along at home, we now have to sneak regular stuffing on top of the entire turkey meal we're sneaking in, because someone likes pineapple stuffing. This has all the complexity of negotiating world peace, plus dealing with relatives. When we get there, eyes will roll and people will get lemon face once they see Brussels sprouts. So someone will have to sneak in some green beans or something, assuming they are not part of the LAMB express. As roughly 3/4 of those present are preparing to gleefully ignore the LAMB, we discover the turkey BREAST we cooked doesn't have dark meat, so Uncle Harvey may be stuck with LAMB after all. Or, if Harvey drinks a lot, we can tell him the LAMB is dark turkey meat. 

Some of the guests come from a foreign country, which is so poor....

HOW POOR IS IT?

It's so poor, they can't afford to import Brussels sprouts.

So they got their first, and last, taste of Brussels sprouts.

They also brought some dishes from their country, with names even they can't pronounce, and this is before the drinking.

Someone noticed, with horror, the mashed potatoes had skin in them.

Well of course they do - all sane people make them that way. Garlic too.

"OH GAWD - Aunt Bertha is allergic to garlic - I'll call 911."

Everybody can agree that the highlight of the dinner is dessert. The hosts did well, with a pizza-sized chocolate chip cookie. The entire family, and some other families we don't know, are insane for Mom's chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream icing. The foreign folks would fly in just for it. Unfortunately, Mom's mind is not well. Last year that meant way less cake and way more icing. This was not a problem for me or most others. Whenever Mom makes the icing, she makes a small tub of it just for me, so I can launch a spoon at it. Remember: cake is merely a vehicle to carry the icing. We were all curious about what she'd come up with, if she didn't make cake. She did not let anybody down; the broccoli was very easy to pull off the cake. She puts a hint of coffee into the chocolate buttercream icing that could distinguish it from 100 other cakes. I would eat it if she somehow managed to fashion the icing into a cake shape (this is very difficult - believe me, I tried). 

After dinner, it looks a lot like it looked before dinner, except for the hazy eyes. The little kids are playing with the aunts and uncles who are most like them. The teen kids are in another room, texting each other, and the adults are wherever they land, talking about the Olde Days<tm>.

Last year, as I was sitting around the table, talking about the Olde Days<tm>, I had a flashback. No, it was not LSD-induced, it was just your good old American flashback. I was a kid, it was Thanksgiving, and I was sitting at the table with the adults. Then it hit me.. I was now the (apparent) adult at the table. I can't decide which I liked better.

Remember: Thanksgiving doesn't exist outside of the US. The other countries just squint at us strangely. This is a lot better than they way they look at us normally.

What have we learned here?

Lessons way too complex for a blog.

Also that one should always bring a Substitute Dinner.

And plenty of Brussels sprouts, so you know you'll have plenty to take home for the week.

Today I identify as  an orphan power supply that might be from an old laptop you no longer have.

Dear lefty  

• What are you supposed to do the day after Turkey Day?
• Take off work. Sleep late. Pay attention to the dog. Masturbate furiously.
• What are you doing?
• Getting up early, working, not buying anything for Black Friday, hopefully holding off til after work for masturbating furiously

Flying AIDS News  

AstraZeneca's vaccine tested at 90% effective last Monday.

Apparently, later in the week, it was closer to 62%.

They're working on how this happened.

In the meantime, they suggest you get the vaccine on a Monday, when the figures are much better than later in the week.

Whilst plumbing around for the snafu, it might all come down to Bob, as it usually does. Bob emailed, saying that the 90% vaccine was then 10% ineffective. This got into the system and now it turns out the vaccine is only 10% effective, especially later in the week. It's completely ineffective on weekends, but if you can find someone to vaccinate you on a weekend, I'll eat Sophia Vergara.

AstraZeneca stated that 90% and 62% were just 'numbers and stuff,' statistical variances, caused by mixing in age groups less likely to catch the Flying AIDS, dispensing half dosages, firing anyone who knows anything about statistics, and gathering numbers closer to the weekend. Some Random Employee explained that 'the statistics gathered closer to the weekend were even worse than the ones gathered right after lunch.'

When the highly effective vaccine appears, the states will decide who gets them. As a patriotic and gentlemanly citizen, I will step forward and volunteer my dose to anyone who wants it. In fact, I will voluntarily move to the back of the line. Wait - not just the back of the line, I will hide somewhere so I don't even appear at the back of the line. Such is my patriotism and concern for my fellow citizens. 

According to some stats I've seen, I'm going to need a large building in which to hide. Many Americans do not trust a vaccine and will not get it. Interesting, no? Perhaps they're all waiting and watching, doing their due diligence. Maybe they want to wait a month, or a few years, to see how safe it is, how effective it is, and what the side effects are. Maybe they just don't trust anything anymore. Do what you feel is right.

Mind you, people are already concerned if the vaccine is vegan.

Vegans are a fun group. Eat or don't eat whatever you want, but if you can provide entertainment to the masses, even better.

Duckduckgo, the search engine that doesn't track you, has a weekly newsletter of privacy tips. They're all in plain english.  Subscribe.  Stop using Google. You can set Duck as your default search engine in all browsers.

• We're hearing a nonstop barrage of horrible Flying AIDS news: the hospitals are beyond capacity. I smell Shenanigans. Ask your friends who work at the hospitals. Let's find out for ourselves (locally). 

If you're a Comcast customer, prepare to bend over (further). Almost everything is going up. Comcast is a distant favorite to own the universe, after Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk die. At least I'll avoid the sports upcharge, cuz I'm the AntiSports.

• As of 2021, the Austrian village of Fucking will be known as Fugging.
• In southeast Pennsylvania, Beaver College renamed itself Arcadia, for some strange reason, years back. 

Microsoft has done its part to enable corporate spying with the Microsoft 365 tools. 

reports also let managers drill down into data on individual employees, to find those who participate less in group chat conversations, send fewer emails, or fail to collaborate in shared documents.

It is spying, clearly.

Naturally, Microsoft denies this completely

“We are committed to privacy as a fundamental element of productivity score,” wrote Jared Spataro, the corporate vice-president for Microsoft 365, in online documentation. “Let me be clear: productivity score is not a work monitoring tool. Productivity score is about discovering new ways of working, providing your people with great collaboration and technology experiences … For example, to help maintain privacy and trust, the user data provided in productivity score is aggregated over a 28-day period.”

In short, Microsoft has put out an egregiously invasive monitoring tool that's committed to privacy, but aggregates user data and is opt-in, even though the default is ON. Your administrator could switch this on by default and you'll not be able to switch it off.

Some of you might not understand my hatred of Microsoft. With years and years of Windows crashing experience and all news similar to the above, what reason is there to like them? I will not even tolerate them, and you should show your love accordingly.

• There are no peanut butter cracker packages in the house. That aside, the dog has one, and has been carrying it around for a week, like a treasured stuffed animal. She's not eating it.

Happys 

The Jimi Hendrix

Tina Turner

Quality of new houses went up 75%

Sale: Deep Fried Grease Bits

Your love is like  flesh-eating bacteria

Flying AIDS Emmy?

Los Angeles has gotten really bored or really stoned and bestowed an Emmy upon New York Governor Coumo for his Flying AIDS updates.

New York is a Flying AIDS mess, with all sorts of unconstitutional restrictions and Hollywood sends an Emmy for updates. Watch out - the next update will feature a beat box in the background and Cuomo will win a Grammy. 

I don't know what organ informs Hollywood's decisions, but it's not anywhere in the cranial neighborhood. Perhaps decriminalization of magic mushrooms is taking its toll... Hey man.... let's give an Emmy for something that doesn't get Emmys. Perhaps they expended too much hot air whining about the president and are acting all sorts of funny.  DOCTOR - we need air in here! Get the masks.

An Emmy Award, or simply Emmy, is an American award that recognizes excellence in the television industry.

ThermionicEmissions has information on upcoming Emmys:

• the chair one of the judges in one of the talent judging shows sat on
• Anything Biden says on tv
• Joe Namath's Medicare commercial
• the most unrecognized people on tv: bailiffs on all the judge shows 
• the people who make the power cords for the 80" tv's
• whoever took off those Little House with an Angel shows
• Oprah's farts

Today I identify as  Jeffrey Dahmer's fork

• Penny is a shredder, from a long line of shredders at the address. Because of this, she has to be watched carefully, lest she steal something and start shredding it. There is a box with a few stuffed animals in it on the floor. Apparently she doesn't feel this is hers, so she's ignoring it. Instead, she managed to locate a fuzzy, expensive shoe-sock thingie and is chewing that. We showed her the stuffed animal xmas box and she ignored it.
• Spaniel Math: the desirability of something = how much People need it divided by availability  D = P/A

In the Utah desert, a helicopter pilot discovered a metal monolith.

At this point, there are no primates banging on it with bones, but no one knows what it is. In hysterics at this point are the aliens who gave Arthur C. Clarke the script for 2001: A Space Odyssey. The aliens are a interesting bunch, and have wicked senses of humor, abducting people and putting things up their butts for fun. They also move things around on the Moon to throw off scientific measurements. They get a pretty bad rap, but people who understand their sense of humor get a kick out of them. Something will happen to people who stand near the monolith for too long, I predict. Perhaps flowers growing out of their heads, or turning into Elvis. The aliens are huge Elvis fans, even though they had nothing to do with him. They gave him his own ship after he faked his own death, and he does concerts for them in the Pleiades. The female aliens throw their gargafransens at him. They also love to make Jesus appear on different things, especially toast.

Just don't mistake their sense of humor for benevolence. If you get on their bad side, you could find something very large up your butt. Insurance specifically excludes removal of anything from the butt installed by aliens...

Now you're probably asking yourself how and why a helicopter pilot discovered the monolith. They were counting sheep. You're probably asking yourself why federal dollars are spent counting sheep, in a helicopter, in the Utah desert, on federal land. And I'm here to tell you I have no flipping idea. I can't tell you anything more than we're probably getting charged an astronomical amount per hour for the helicopter, unless we bought it, in which case we paid an astronomical amount for it. Then there's the federal employees required for the job. John is the pilot. John  is that most rare of federal employees: the one who can do his job really well. Let's be honest, you want a John flying your helicopter, unless you want an incredibly high turnover rate, both in personnel and in helicopters. However, in the passenger seat is Bob. Bob is your most typical federal employee.. the kind who has to be awakened to clock out for the day. Now Bob's job is to count the sheep. Unfortunately, Bob can't count past 9-5, so there are a lot of trips. They take off, Bob counts to 9, they land, then they do it all over the next day. Unfortunately, this never results in an accurate count of sheep on federal land. Fortunately, though, no one needs an accurate count of sheep on federal land... they were given patronage jobs by some Congressman, in trade for flying over a Utah resort and counting the number of bikinis.

But before you get angry and start writing letters sending emails thinking very negatively about this, just be glad they didn't use Jimmy to do the counting. Jimmy is a drummer and count count past 4 (1-2-3-4).

Dear lefty  

• I don't feel really close with my mother. Why is this?
• When you were growing up, did you have a lot of 'uncles'? 

Finnish Prime Minister says trans people have a right to self-identify.

Ideally, yes, but let's stop and think for a moment... what does any of this have to do with their ability to do the job? I didn't vote for you because you were born in the wrong body: I voted for you because I believe you're the best man woman person for the job. The last guy in the position said absolutely nothing about his bitches and ho's. I don't care if you identify as an F-15, both other voters might say it's difficult to do your job at that altitude.

• TIPS for safe online buying this season 
• Don't.

Chess culture is allegedly being changed by attractive women becoming stars.

No it isn't. You'll still have groups of chess nerds, off to the side, talking abut how hot the chicks are, and lacking the courage to talk to them, even about chess.

• a Space-X rocket to the Moon failed after it got behind a Chinese rocket to the moon. The Chinese rocket was reportedly driving with its turn signal on, too slow for Moon entry, and looked like it didn't know where it was going. The unmanned Space-X rocket gave up and auto-destructed.

Experts, and people who are paid to say Important-Sounding Things, are going on about the ills of isolation during the Flying AIDS. It's a good thing they never asked the lefty household... lefty kinda liked his partial isolation. Mrs lefty was more social. During the Flying AIDS, lefty felt very little ill from isolation and Mrs lefty was heard to say, "You really have something there. I'm not all that fond of people either, lefty." I predict most of us will remain mostly isolated, except THOSE people... the former cheerleaders and used car salesmen. The people you just want to stab when you get within 50' of them. And Aunt Bertha, who still treats you as if you were 4, asking if you want a cookie. The sad part of it all is that you do want a cookie, but you're not braving Aunt Bertha to get one.. You wind up telling the family you have the Flying AIDS so they won't expect you at the now weekly family gatherings. If you really value your isolation, you tell them you're a carrier.

• Walmart-exclusive routers and other sold on Amazon and Ebay contain hidden backdoors
• Security researchers sound alarm on smart doorbells
• Told You So. Avoid IoT when you can. Research anything you plan to buy. Avoid Chinese. Keep firmware updated. Ask questions. Even ask me - comment and I'll respond.

Black Fridays are here. And when I say Black Fridays, I mean any day near Thanksgiving. I'm checking out the deals, and because they're all crap, or because I'm horribly depressed, nothing looks good to me. They seem to consist of largely wireless ear buds, the requisite large tv's (next year they'll be wider than your house), and Smart devices. I can't get my head around people buying devices that spy on them. You're paying $49.95 for a 'Smart' speaker that you talk to, allowing Amazon to build a better profile on you. But it's ok, they're only on when you say, "HEY AMAZON."  Oh? They're on all the time? Oh.

Lest you think I'm some sort of tech Luddite, I have a pair of wireless ear buds (and run a multi-million dollar network). I paired them with my phone, and only the right one actually paired. Since I have the attention span of a pregnant gnat, that was as far as I got. Plus, if you think about it, what use do I have for wireless ear buds if I don't get out much? Sure, maybe food shopping, when forced to. I use the wired ones now. They have a habit of tying themselves in knots right before I turn on some music, even though they were perfectly fine a second ago. My phone has a volume limiter, so I don't go deaf, which means I can't hear the music anyway, and am subjected to "Cleanup on aisle 4" and "Where's the tampons?"

Of course I'm expecting no end of fun when I fire up the ear buds. Whoops - they aren't charged. Whoops, where did I put the left one? Whoops, they fell out and are on the floor of the store, and probably full of the Flying AIDS. So yeah, wired phones ain't that bad. Then there are the noise-canceling phones. Although the FDA hasn't examined these yet, they're a bit of a misnomer. They will not quiet your wife or significant other. Or any noise that's bothering you. They work based upon the principle of Sound Forgettance, where they hope you'll get so into what's coming out of them, you somehow ignore the kids playing Miley at deafness level in the same room. 

But rest assured you'll pay quite a premium for them, especially if they're Bose. Bose, founded by Mr Bose, has created a business second in intelligence to only Amazon. Bose started in speakers, on the principle that you'll hear better audio if the speakers were pointed in the other direction. As audiophiles (or audiophools) started to swallow this, Bose went to Plan B: put a lot of individual speakers into their speakers, pointed in the other direction. This drove the audiophools into orgiastic glee, except for the ones who could hear. You had 1speaker box, with about 8 six inch speakers in it, plus one pointing AT the listener, for some strange reason. At this point, people with any amount of hearing wet themselves with laughter, while the audiophools talked about accurate soundstage, the music realistically disappearing into the curtains, and the king's new clothes being simply boffo. So Bose went into headphones, with a completely proprietary design. 8 tiny little speakers point outside your ear, while 1 tiny little speaker points inside your ear. The noise canceling models cost another $300 and are exactly alike, except Bose hopes the 8 tiny little speakers point outside really annoy the noisemakers, so they go away, hence noise canceling. I just can't take them seriously. ymmv.

• I dunno about you, but I feel warm and holiday-like. I got an email from all of my local and federal representatives for Thanksgiving.

Something weird happened to audio quality over the years: it disappeared.

People used to be strangely proud of their stereo systems. They'd save up and buy the most expensive, great-sounding components they could buy. There were physical arguments over whose receiver had less harmonic distortion and whose tone arm on their record player was more dead than the others. People were attaching their players to concrete blocks to stop the jiggling. The race was on for wattage: this little thing only had 4 watts, and people laughed at it. Serious stereos started at 50 watts and went past 200. Have you ever been near 50 watts? It's roughly the level of the front row of a concert or a jackhammer (sometimes the same thing). The receivers became larger and heavier.

Then came the real loonies. These guys had the equipment that if you were blindfolded, you'd swear the band was in the room with you. They were loonies only in the amount of money they'd spend on their stereos. These guys went backwards to vacuum tubes. The really far out ones had separate Right and Left amplifiers. These amplifiers cost about as much as a car today. Each. The speaker technology they used was the start of the technology NASA used to send astronauts to Venus.

When the real loonies ran out of money, they got together with the regular loonies and perpetrated a joke so rotten and nasty, it continues to this day: Monster Cable.  These are the cables that are twice the size of your regular hookup cables. They have special oxygen-free insides, gold-plated connectors, and they roll themselves up of there's too much spare cable. They also cost 9 times as much as regular cable. Many a tear was shed in laughter as they watched people argue over the benefits in fidelity using these cables. After a while the joke started getting old, so they came up with Monster Power Cables. You know, the cord you plug into the wall, that goes to your computer. Yeah, that power cable would provide good, clean, oomph for your stereo. Again, laughter ensued, and all was well. Then CDs appeared, and new arguments broke out. Watching audio formats change was a never-ending source of amusement. Until compression, aka MP3s.

The mp3 was a concept where parts of the music deemed unhearable (or unnecessary) were removed from the song, making the file smaller.  Since hard drive space was expensive, this was quickly adopted. Apple, of course, had their own compression. All you had to do was listen to the song from a cd and an mp3 to hear the difference. Plus it would sound a lot better from your home stereo than the computer, which had tiny little plastic speakers on it (and does to this day). 

Now hard drive space is incredibly cheap, CDs are all but obsolete, music files are likely 'in the cloud', and we're seeing a resurgence of RECORDS. Older folks have to keep changing their underwear from laughing at all this. In order to play the records, you have to buy a turntable. There are plenty out there, and most are plastic crap. The people who used the original turntables to play the original records are amused by all this, with deja-vu popping up all over the place. They remember the specific records now for sale because they had them in their collections. The older people who consumed a lot of ... recreational pharmaceuticals... still think it's the 70s and that the albums never stopped being sold. "Wow, man... didja see the new Zep record? Trippy. We can sort our pot on it- get rid of the seeds." The hoarders among them still have their entire record collection, much of which still smells like pot.

I did a thing a while back.

Someone gave me a tube stereo. I looked it over and plugged it in, in place of my regular old receiver. I was flabbergasted - they were right. The difference was night and day. I heard people talk about soundstage and laughed at the word. Damn if I didn't perceive soundstage. And much greater fidelity. This is the way to go, people.

All my guitar amps use tubes too, but for different reasons.

The US can't make tubes anymore, for environmental reasons, but the guitar amp industry keeps the foreign tube industry alive (China + Russia).

If you pick up a map and ask me where China and Russia are, I'll stare blankly at you. But I can sure tell you the 2 countries still making vacuum tubes and why. I am public school education at its best.

if this guy were my neighbor, he'd be by for dinner a lot

Christmas with the Cohens

 

Your love is like  a peaceful BLM/Antifa rally

Way back when people went to malls, before the internet and the Flying AIDS all but wiped them out, we got to see all sorts of interesting stores. Ok, I lied, but at least every mall had a Victoria's Secret, with hyper-aggressive salesgirls. Can I help you sir? Yes, I'm looking for some fashionable girdles to hold my prodigious gut in. And stockings... some nice stockings. I want to feel pretty.

Where was I?

I figured out Victoria's secret: how she can get so many people to pay so much for so little.

One thing I miss, before the crowds started to bother me (any more than 2 of us in the store at 1 time), was Sharper Image. Sharper Image or whatever store it was that had all the incredibly overpriced gadgets. A lighted wine opener for $149.99. The best binoculars with video recorder (because there were no others) for $299. A recliner that did massage for $4799, $6399 for the masseuse option. A lighted, heated car seatcover, also with masseuse option. For the kids, an actual Porsche that only works indoors. For the smart kids, a remote-controlled plutonium refining plant. For the less-gifted kids, a remote-controlled junkyard in Detroit somewhere. A Bluetooth mixer that texts you when the dough is mixed (or the fingers have been mashed). A Bluetooth blanket that texts you when you're warm enough. A Bluetooth app that searches for only the kind of pr0n you like, and texts you when it fills up your computer. The piece de resistance is a Bluetooth dresser that you can summon with a text. Impress your friends... call the dresser and it appears!

Since the Flying AIDS has put a cramp in my malling (and my life), I don't get to see these stores (are not in malls anymore), so I located them online. Ok, even grade school dropouts and DMV workers can find Sharper Image and Hammacher Shlemmer and FAO Schwarz. Looking at heated this and Bluetooth that just isn't the same online. Or I'm getting less interested (as if that were possible). Or the toys are getting less interesting (most likely). Oh well, progress.

Speaking of progress, you can order a couch at Costco. Hold the phone - order a couch? Well, it was mighty nice looking in the weekly flyer. Mrs lefty thought so. I had to agree with her, but there was the small problem of not being able to sit in it before we bought it. I don't buy a guitar without playing it first. She doesn't buy grapes without eating one first. What if the monolith of a couch gets here and it's the wrong shade of black (commonly referred to as brown)? What if she sits in it, immediately sags to sea level, and requires an entire fire company to extract her? What if we mistakenly got the ejector seat option and she hits the wrong button? What if the dog isn't comfortable??  Mrs lefty mentions they have a return policy. Have you ever tried to stuff an entire multi-piece sofa back into individual cardboard boxes? Then you call for pickup and they tell you it needs to be returned to the store.

So I'm not getting a couch from a catalog, but I did learn that in Israel, they have destroyed cancerous cells in mice. They hope for human trials in 2 years. Hold the phone (again) - at least 2 years between method and human trials for cancer, but a 1 yr method to human use for a Flying AIDS vaccine. It can take years for a new medicine to hit the market because of the testing required. I used to be in the industry - this isn't something somebody read on Faceyspaces. Let's use our Calm Voices: I think there might be something off about the Flying AIDS vaccine. "We rushed the Flying AIDS vaccine to market but we're taking our time on a possible cure for cancer."

Today I identify as  a 1947 fire truck, with a bell that goes ding, ding, ding!

A southwest Philly man is in the hospital after being shot 11 times.

What does this tell us?

• bullets aren't expensive enough
• southwest Philly needs better vision tests for its shooters
• somebody's homies are pointing and laughing at them

The Liberty Bell and Independence Hall will be closed through December.

Idiot Mayor thinks the bell could catch the Flying AIDS

• Guitar Center has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy due to the Flying AIDS, and will continue business while restructuring.
• see what happens when I don't leave the house?
• also might have something to do with shrinking store inventory

Joe Biden is starting to look for cabinet appointees. So far, the only skills required are CPR and the ability to repeat things over and over without going mad. They are also required to attend Kamala's freaky weekend parties.

Over at the US Postal Service, they're introducing a nationwide digital 'Operation Santa', wherein kids write to Santa, and it will be shared online. To make things more realistic, the first 3 letters will be lost, Santa will only work 8 hours a day, with several breaks for drinking lunch and smoking blunts. Few of the letters will be answered, blaming Trump for budget cuts, and less will be posted because the USPS is busy burning all those ballots and other mail they just don't want to deliver. This will prepare kids for real life, with all its grief, greed, and disappointments. After liquid lunch, sometimes Santa gets itchy and signs his name 'Satan.'

In a totally unrelated matter, we've had 2 packages to return. Both were put in our mailbox, with the flag up, and both required a personal trip to the post office because Heidi the Mail Chick didn't pick either one up. Perhaps she was out the day they talked about letters in mailboxes with a TO: address.

I was never involved with this because I was at work, but we had a beloved mailman for many years, who was right out of the 50s. If something was heavy, he'd carry it in for people who couldn't. He was a real gentleman and a nice guy. When it was cold, people would make him hot chocolate. When it was really cold, people would make him hot chocolate with a bit of a boost in it. Because he was on our route for so long, and because everything was working so well, he needed to be transferred to a new route, in Postal Wisdom. Then we got Bob. No idea what his name was, but Bob is sufficient. Whenever we met our original guy and told him what was up, he'd say "Oh, you must have Bob."  I don't want to throw a lot of negativity on Bob; we got our mail (eventually), and he never appeared intoxicated or stoned - he just worked like it.

• Cojoined separated twins Sanchia and Eman Mowatt are now at university, and say 'We always knew we were different'
• Their parents are horrified they didn't manage to keep their childrens' secret from them.

Last week was America's Fools Day, the one day Congress does something right. They passed an IoT security bill, stating the government would only buy IoT devices with a certain level of security. This is hailed as a step to get a minimum level of IoT security in place. Not to worry, ladies and gentlemen, your doorbell camera will still be shared with police, and your baby cameras will still have Satan's voice coming out of them. This is also the 1 time per year that Congress rightly concerns itself with something more than actual Americans.

A black aspiring jockey in Britain wants to encourage other young black riders to get into horse racing. This would not go well in the US. Regardless, there is a Diversity in Racing Steering Group, so we can all sleep at night. 

Dear lefty  

• We're having turkey with all the trimmings. You?
• We're in danger of lamb. I might stay home and eat an Oscar Meyer bologna sandwich. It's not as miserable as it sounds - I put horseradish mustard on it.

The cancel student debt people are out, getting Biden's ear.

It's only fair.... so what if they signed on, agreeing to pay. They've determined it's unfair, after the fact, so the entire debt should be canceled.

Presumptive President Biden: I need you to cancel my mortgage debt. It's unfair.

It turns out the biblical Goliath might not have been as tall as first thought. Scholars translating the story from its original ancient French believe the person commenting to have said, "That man's as big as a truck," instead of 27 cubits, 1 parsec, and 4 stone.

Hey - miss your coworkers? Need a shot of the old geekness? Long for yet another place that women forgot? Have yourself a Virtual Christmas. Fire up your favorite conferencing software (that's not Zoom), decorate the old home office chairs and desks merrily, have someone do the announcements, and celebrate!

Screw this. Celebrate alone, like you're destined to. You never went to holiday parties anyway. Geeks don't do that - it's in the Geek Charter.

Here's some Flying AIDS news that contradicts the Narrative.... [italics mine]

First is the Danish mask study, which was completed several months ago but was only recently published in a peer-reviewed journal. The study took two groups and gave the first group masks to wear with instruction on how they should be used. The other group was the mask-free control group.

The study found that coronavirus spread within the statistical margin of error in each group. In other words, wearing the mask did little if anything to control the spread of the virus.

Similarly, a massive new study conducted in Wuhan, China, and published in the respected scientific journal Nature, reports that asymptomatic persons who have tested positive for Covid-19 do not pass on the infection to others. Considering that mask mandates and lockdowns are all based on the theory that asymptomatic “positive cases” can still pass on the sickness, this is potentially an important piece of information to help plan a more effective response to the virus. 

It's been a pretty shitty year, so it's more difficult to be thankful....

I'm thankful for good health for everyone around me. No murder in the family either. Imagine being thankful for no close deaths. Having a job. 1 or 2 days of sun per week.

I don't want to sound like a game show host, but thanks for coming by. This blog was difficult when I had 4 followers. The increased reads make me feel better. And when I feel better, I don't get into things (as quickly). 

My Service Aardvark Fills In When My Service Elephant Has Off

 

Your love is like a made-in-China enema kit

Every now and then I get shown a picture of someone from my past. This takes a circuitous path, especially if the picture came from Faceyspaces. I have 2 friends who send me stuff from Faceyspaces, because I don't have an account. It's like a remote Faceyspaces forwarding service. It also serves as a Faceyspaces Filter, as they only send me the important stuff, which is a picture every 6 years or so.

I hadn't heard the word cyberstalking, but I knew what it was. A friend stalked his ex-wife, another seemed to stalk his friends, and some of mine (I don't understand this.. you've read the blog - I'm not that interesting). Faceyspaces was initially referred to as a place to go to get looked up by people in your 1st grade class or the guy who taught you donkey riding when you were 8 (he always seemed needy, even though you didn't know what needy was either). 

One of my forwarding people sent me pics of people in my old group (the guy who stalked my friends). It was only 50% frightening. One guy was standing there at his sink, missing only a towel for drying the dishes. The female singer... well... she had gone into weightlifting. Or houselifting. People like this sort of thing, mostly the lifters themselves, but I don't. I don't want a woman who can bench press me. If you bump into her in the middle of the night, either you'll bounce off, or she'll make you wish you were dead. It's a bad look for a singer too, unless you're Henry Rollins. Henry is very muscular, and when you pair it with the 'I'm going to kill you and eat your bones' look in his eyes, it sorta works. She, meanwhile, was pretty, and I emphasize the past tense. I'm not sure how you get dates looking like this, except maybe other female lifters, and she wasn't into that. 

So it's good to have someone checking up on your past and sending you current pictures. Ok, it really isn't.

Today I identify as  Ed Sheeran. God, I hate myself.

Life is a learning process. By this I mean that I say stupid shit, and well-meaning people tell me that wasn't the right thing to say at that particular moment, to that particular person. I think it happened again today. The developers from a very large, international corporation asked how my team liked their new interface. All I said was "The interface designers all had some sort of interesting visual impairment." Even if no one tells me I goofed, total and complete silence is usually an indicator. Don't ever tell me I don't pick up on subtle cues.

My boss, bless him, was warned about me. He used to defuse bombs, so nothing rattles him. While this works greatly in my favor, if I'm having a particularly edgy day, and the potato chip clips on my balls aren't doing their job, sometimes I forget to 'play nice'. I figure I'll have this whole thing down sometime after retirement.

Retirement poses its own challenges, as do days off. Currently it's only a days off issue. I don't do well with vacation. I tried to get work to pay me for vacation days not taken, but they filed the idea with all my other ideas, in a special round file, near my personnel file. I told them if they insist I take days off, I'll just get into things, and do they want that on their conscience. They're still 'evaluating' my suggestion. We know I'm helpless around the house, and Mrs lefty is getting tired of my constant demands for boom boom, so she sends me out of the house. This is where the trouble starts. Whenever I'm separated from my couch, I don't know what to do with myself, so the Buying starts. Only I can never find anything I like, so it becomes an exercise in frustration. This is even worse during the holidays (which seem to come weekly at the mall). The only drinks available are at Starbucks, and I don't like Starbucks, so I have a habit of disposing of the drinks in 'interesting' ways. 3 story malls are interesting, but we shan't go there, on advice of my lawyer. I really don't like people, so malls can get tedious, especially around the holidays. We used to have a tradition of going to malls on Xmas eve, getting hot chocolate, and watching people run around like pure idiots, but even that has lost its luster with the Flying AIDS. I could go to the mall without a mask and try to get thrown out, but even that sounds boring. Or a mask that says FLYING AIDS on it. Everyone must be reading this blog because whenever I say Flying AIDS, they know exactly what I'm talking about, including doctors.

Upon further study, I just checked and I have damn near 7 hours to burn off or I lose them. 7 hours! I'm giddy with delight. I shall wake the Mrs and we can plan how to spend it. That's damn near a whole day!  I could start work, eat lunch, then take off the rest of the day, all without leaving the house. Unfortunately this leaves me back at being separated from my beloved couch. I can't bear to go shopping, even for guitars, with these stupid masks. It should be pretty funny at Guitar Center, where musicians, who are the rebels of society, pee their pants if somebody isn't wearing a mask.

And this, Your Honor, is why it's just best to leave me on the couch, with something to do.

• The FAA cleared the Boeing 737 MAX for flight again.
• Are you ready to fly on one?
• Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy) refers to flying as 'throwing yourself at the ground and missing.' Let's hope the plane continues to miss.

In case you're interested, torrents available for download today are courses in Blender, R programming, The Long Kiss Goodnight, and something called I F'd My Step-daughter after Bowling Night. This sounds... errr.... umm... interesting. Of course I mean R programming. Blender is pure smut.

• Scientists, via the New Horizons, discover space isn't pitch black after all
• It's Pepto pink 

But seriously, folks, there is a Jimi Hendrix movie coming out, called Live in Maui. I saw "Voodoo Child" from it and it was intense. The man was a guitar god and no one has surpassed him. If he were alive today, there's no telling what he'd be into, but it would be good.

Also out is more from the Zappa vault. The Mothers 1970 is a period I really like, with Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan on vocals (they used to be called The Turtles). 

Dear lefty 

• What hurts more - thumb tacks or wood slivers under the fingernails?
• Ok, you got me there-I have no idea. Why don't you stop by this weekend and we'll do the science

A massive hack by a state-funded Chinese hacking group hit companies around the world. You gotta admit, China has some solid steel balls. First it's Huawei, then the Flying AIDS, now hacking. They're making a good case for 'regime change' or nuclear test bed. Nah-let's send the CIA in to 'advise' the leaders.

Flying AIDS news

The CDC is pleading with Americans not to travel for Thanksgiving. They will have an employee in every airport, pleading with you personally. At the end of the day, the employee will fly home.

The CDC also warns against non-household members for turkey, and will station one staff member per block to knock down on doors to check.

Jumping on the bandwagon, a Fresno bishop urged Catholics not to 'jump on the vaccine bandwagon'. He has concerns about stem cells, referring to them as morally objectionable materials. Fresno Catholics have concerns about some of the priests' morally objectionable behavior, which is way down on the bishop's list of morally objectionable things.

At the last Bishops' Conference, it was decided that whenever someone mentioned child molestation, they would say "LOOK- STEM CELLS!"

A Los Angeles stay-at-home order might be issued. This could be very beneficial to the rest of the country, but not for the reason Idiot Governor proposed it. Many have suggested Los Angeles stay at home, especially around awards time.

In England, extensive tracking shows the Flying AIDS caught from supermarkets. The British are cautioned to avoid shopping for food.

There's always one: in Philly, a woman wrote #stopthespread and hung masks from her tree. The masks went overnight, but local officials couldn't bear to tell her hashtags don't work on trees.

There's always another one: Idiot Governor's Health Secretary insists masks be worn outside AND inside the house.  Banned are indoor gatherings, indoor dining, casinos, gyms, museums, and libraries. Idiot Governor said they have no intention of implementing another broad-based shutdown (aside from indoor gatherings, indoor dining, casinos, gyms, museums, and libraries). #ImpeachWolf.

A group of restaurant owners are suing Philly over the restrictions. Philly's immediate reaction was 'restrictions are temporary, death is permanent'. Rights are temporary, abusers are permanent. YOU voted these people in, Philly. #ImpeachKenny 

• if you have seborrhea (scalp itchies), you should probably not pronounce it 'gonorrhea,' especially to your mom or doctor. Don't ask.

That didn't take long?

The UK revealed its Space Force and some sort of AI agency.

Philly Mayor blames Flying AIDS, says Space Force has to stay home and wear masks.

Today in Los Angeles Superior Court, a class action suit was filed, claiming racism in the lack of news coverage of rock and roll one-on-one crime. Robert Plant says no one knows he shot Steven Tyler, Freddie Mercury's estate noted no coverage of his West vs East feud with Tom Petty, and to this day, no one knows how many of Scott Weiland's girlfriends were stolen by Kurt Cobain. Dave Grohl's machine-gunning of Pearl Jam at an awards show never got out, nor did Jimi Hendrix's ongoing theft of Janis Joplin's drugs, which she claimed was the reason she shot him. Plant said, "Yeah, everyone carried a piece. Hardly a car ride was had without a shooting."

The plaintiffs allege that no coverage was given to their violent, drug-filled feuds 'because we were white.' Reached at his satanic mansion, somewhere in the middle of England, Jimmy Page said, "Yeah, it wash like that. I mean.. the 70s were a time of great violence in Rock. Plus we didn't have stupid names like 'Stallion', 'Weekend Chance' or 'Bieber'. I would have died of embarrassment if my manager said to call me Jimmy Thee Mare. First of all, it's spelled wrong, then a mare is female, which nobody seems to question. It's obviously race-fuelled."

All attempts to reach Jimi Hendrix have been futile.

TV is awash with commercials for stuff with beets. If you take the stuff, you'll feel better, more mentally awake, and your nostrils will be larger. Over the years, scientists have worked with beets, and discovered that the problem with beets is that they taste like beets. Yes, they give you all the benefits, but they remain fully adamant in tasting like beets. One product attempted to circumvent this issue by telling you their product has a nice cherry flavor. Or sawdust.

Strangely enough, a beet product appeared in my kitchen. The other day I seriously needed a boost (and to be honest, a little bit of nostril enlargement) Bravely, I put on my armor and mixed it with 8oz (17km Canadian) of water. In addition to all my other areas of impairment, I cannot tell what 8oz of water is. Might be a coffee cup, might be a gas tank. I went for a happy medium - a beer barrel. Cautiously I put it near my mouth... I was already up one(!)-it didn't smell. With a true sense of false bravado, I put some in my mouth. This was my second mistake. OMG, this shit tastes like beets!  Apparently the brand that appeared did not have the good grace to taste like something else. Even broccoli would have been fine. Brussels sprouts. Dog poop. GOOD LORD - BEETS! 

I called in my Head Purchaser, who seemed surprised, even though she purchased it. This is the same purchaser who knows not to let cranberry come within 6 miles of my turkey. She put on her lead apron and tasted it. I gathered, from her rapid trip to the bathroom and resulting noises, she wasn't fond of it either (and she likes beets). She said it would be better in yogurt.

The following morning we had the Scientists in to do the Science. It turns out only 0.00061% of people like beets, and none of them are in North America. Or Earth. In fact, even food banks will refuse beets, as not even the hungry will take them, so they sit there, growing an odd, green fuzz, which eventually evolves the power to speak. If you don't like the flavor, you don't want to hear what they have to say.

So I tentatively dropped a spoonful of beet powder into my yogurt, with the promise that the purchaser would eat it if I didn't like it. Ok, I'm game. First we did some Science, bending down and presenting the powder to the dog. The dog was thrilled, wagged her tail like mad, took one sniff, then walked away. Have you ever seen a lemon face on a dog? It's not pretty. The scientists were aghast. Bouyed by the dog's input, I tried the yogurt. Within a second, I had taken up my purchaser's offer to eat it if I didn't like it, and placed it near her. She hasn't eaten it and I think it's about to say something. I understand not being able to camouflage it in water, but yogurt? I think it refuses to mix with anything out of spite. So you get crunchy yogurt, which might as well be Whizzo Assortment's Crunchy Frog. Even Clorox bleach wouldn't get the taste out of my mouth. So the Emergency Room Special Stomach Squad is on Standby, as is SWAT.

Happys - magic day for guitar players

Dr John

Duane Allman

Frank Marino

Joe Walsh

Service Elephants Don't Like Cold Weather

 Your love is like  painful periods

The Medicare open season commercials are getting out of hand. It was bad enough when there were only the ancient football legends - now it's legit actors. Kelsey Grammer (Frasier) and Danny Glover (I'm gettin too old for this, Riggs) are now appearing, along with Dann Florek (Special Crimes - SUV).

If they really want to make it interesting, they can have a football game with Joe Namath, Joe Thiesman, and Mike Ditka, then line them up against Kelsey, Dann, and Danny. To keep things ultra-relevant, after the first play, all players will be rushed to the hospital and treated, using the insurance they advertise for. You know, with a bunch of men this age, there will be no shortage of injuries, perhaps just getting to the field. You have to figure bone breakage, but we'll figure out a way to make it more interesting, with traumatic brain injury, testicular cancer, and some sexually transmitted diseases. It's not like there will be a 2nd play...

While in the hospital, they can choose a lawyer from the All Day Law Network (any channel). As a special treat, Tom Selleck (Magnum PR) will come in, with his ill-fitting dentures, and talk to them about reverse mortgages. It's about time their heads exploded, instead of ours...

• The most Shazam-ed songs, top 10
• I don't know a single one of them, but I have heard of 2 of the artists
• 'Music' is merely product; the worst so in history 

If your place of business is anything like mine (empty), you're likely to run into people doing nasty things, generally in pairs, but not limited to pairs. If you're working from home and run into people doing the mattress dance, it's better that you tell no one.

What do you say to 2 of your coworkers, upon finding them sharing their mutual excitement for partial nudity?  

• Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the doorway.
• I see you're not using protection. Any reason?
• Could you just hand me a stapler, please? Don't hurt yourself.
• Since I'm here already, mind if I watch?
• There appears to be an opening for at least 1 more.....
• Ooh, I had the room reserved for this time - should I come back in 15?
• Yer gonna need more lube for that...

Today I identify as  a new medicine in a tv ad that can possibly kill you or make one of your eyes stare at your left nostril

The war drums are beating over Iran. Or Iraq.. I always forget which. It doesn't really matter - we just rotate them in and out anyway.

• It's not bad enough that Bill Gates was involved in the vaccine: Dolly Parton contributed $1 million. It will forever be known as the vaccine with the biggest tits in the world.

I can't come out today: my virtual firewall got virtually hacked and my smart home has locked me in. Then the police called and asked if I was alive, because someone hacked my Ring.

• Trump fires cybersecurity chief who corrected him over Twitter
• Also fired EPA chief who reminded him sky was blue and grass green over Faceyspaces.

If you're still running Win95 or Win98, and who among us isn't, you might consider this combo mouse/phone. Huh? You sound muffled. Stop mousing while you're talking to me, young man.

• Today I'm being spared (I think): outside of my office, I'm hearing a child singing "Rawhide." Still better than Wendy.

We go to houses, any houses, and are fascinated by them. Not only are they clean, they're decorated. The two of us have the decorating sense of a category 4 hurricane.  No one we know has a 1974 Camaro in their living room, nor a tube tester. Our nod to decorating is a Stevie Ray Vaughan poster on a wall. At least it's held in with 10 penny nails (because we couldn't find the push pins that day).

Apparently we adopted the right dog too: she tends to leave her toys precisely in the way of traffic. She doesn't grasp the basic concept that if we fall and die, she doesn't get fed. She is currently trying to sow marital disharmony by building a wall of toys between us on the couch. Or maybe marital harmony - who knows, in these complex times, when your service elephant can't fly on airlines.

So yeah, decorating.

Most people seem to be born with this gene, and when I say most people, I mean the kinds of people with internal plumbing and external mammalian protuberances. My mom could decorate a bear's 6 month hibernation den and appear on Good Housekeeping. We've been in our house forever and just missed appearing on Hoarders (they rejected us because you can see the carpet). We only tried to get on the show to get some free therapy - you can never have too much. We say "let's decorate" then look at each other with the same blank expression. So far we put up a bizarre picture by a dead person. Mrs lefty has a thing, and this may be her only nod toward decorating, for mobiles. Mrs lefty, however, does not understand 'less is more' and hung 6 of them, so every time there's a breeze, we have to get out the hearing protection. I have no delusions... my idea of decorating is taking the clean clothes to the bedroom after the dog rolls around in them. One day we realized we like the Southwest, so we should do something with salmon and turquoise. That concept is... still... umm... pending. Yeah, pending, that's the word. We're partially in luck because the house was smartly constructed not to get any light, at any time of day or in any season. Plus we get no guests because anyone who's been here before is scared and won't return. 

Iqbal, my service elephant, is about as graceful and coordinated as the rest of us, so he tends to step on stuff and knock things off walls. There are so many projects I can take on when I retire in 70 years, but home design terrifies me the most. I'm fine playing with 600 volts, but don't ask me about paint. Or worse, painting. I'd rather chew my painting arm off.

Does one purchase decorating skills? Are we missing them because we're so talented in other areas (even though we don't know what they are)? Ok, I do have one single bit of knowledge: you locate the couch across from the tv and never block the way to the kitchen. If you have a large red Craftsman air compressor in your front room (my friend does), put it in the middle because it's funny to watch people trip over it. Make sure the tube tester color matches. If you're displaying a Leslie (500lb box with a rotating speaker), get the wood one, for heaven's sake - no one wants gray covering in their living room. If you're hanging guitars, there is a matter of minor importance: attach the hanger to a stud.. gravity is not good to guitars. 

• Now's a very silly time to live in California.
• It's always silly in California, you say?
• Now residents have to wear masks outside their residences.
• I'd get out now, before you have to wear masks in your house.

Dear lefty 

• Is it ok to fart in bed?
• Not if there's no one else to appreciate it

I need to get out more. Or maybe I don't.

My phone rings 2 times a week (43 if you count spam). I get very little email, except from Guitar Center and the clinic. Not only do I hear about their sales, I know when their employees go to the bathroom. If I filtered out their emails, it would be days before I received another email. I have 2 friends. I barely need email, except to receive spam. Not only do I barely get out, I barely exist, digitally. Actually I don't exist at all. This blog is all written and timed to go out every now and then.

It's working for me!

 

Whenever your significant other talks to you, there's a decision chain. Is this important? Is this important now? Is it from Faceyspaces or does it involve her friends or family?

Once you have worked through the necessary questions and come up with your answer, you can get to the important task of listening. Or, more importantly, looking like you're listening. One cannot play down the importance of appearing to listen - it's essential to your relationship.

"OMG, look at what I found on Faceyspaces today."

Your key word is Faceyspaces. You can safely switch off. I saved 17 minutes of my life yesterday by switching off.

"My SISTER...."

You don't even need the whole sentence here. The word sister or the inflection should tell you all you don't need to know.

"I was watching Wendy this morning..."

Watching is your Warning Word: you know you're about to hear your key word. In this case, it doesn't even matter that you're switching off - they're going to keep on talking. You can count to 150, out loud, and they won't stop. When you say you're not interested in anything Wendy has to say....

"Just sayin..."

But I'm still not interested.

"Just sayin.."

But you won't stop sayin.

"My parents...."

This is a tricky one. Most of the time it's irrelevant, except around your birthday, but never if you hear the word coming. Your best idea is to only switch half off. Maybe every 3rd word. It's up to you what you do when you hear the word going. Since you're likely a guy, just switch off, then if/when it's time to go, claim ignorance, get the requisite "I told you about this" and get written off as a space cadet. Or "you never listen to me," which is, in fact, at least 66% true, but you must never admit this, upon pain of genitals. 

Once you are successful, you can apply it all over the place.. boss, siblings, judge...

STOP THE PRESSES 

Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton spoke to CBS This Morning about the lack of diversity in Formula 1.

He is apoplectic that there are no black cars.

I'm Having Sex Tonight, Whether I Want To or Not

 

Your love is like  a surprise snowstorm that causes a 24 car pileup on the interstate

• Elon Musk has the Flying AIDS.
• Tomorrow he's building the largest health center ever, and will cure the virus

Today I identify as  a 40meg hard drive on a 286 system

Is it ok that the Pentagon lied to a sitting president in order to keep US troops in Syria? They should be fired immediately and prosecuted.

Are you having any doubts about the military industrial complex? Eisenhower warned about them because he was aware of where things were going...

• I just found chocolate shampoo: my life is complete

There are a lot of accusations of Bad Things happening at the polls. Lawsuits are pending. Meanwhile, China congratulated Biden on his win, and Russia offered to help count ballots.

Flying AIDS Treatment

Pfizer's CEO sold $5.6 million of stock, on the same day of the vaccine news.

Pfizer's vaccine is claimed to be 95% effective, with no side effects.

1. vaccines take years to go through the process, and all have side effects. How did this one get through so quickly?
2. how can a vaccine claim 95% efficacy when last year's flu vaccine was under 20% ?

I'm not calling conspiracy.. I'm laying out a few facts from the medical industry. Make your own decisions.

Australia is going to track Flying AIDS encounters with payment card records. It's starting. When bad stuff happens, it's frequently in Australia, migrating to the UK and US. Remember: once this stuff goes into effect, it never comes off.

Idiot Mayor closed a ridiculous amount of businesses in Philly. There is an indoor dining ban. Stay out of Philly. NASA or Elon Musk needs to investigate sending Idiot Mayor on one of their ships, off the planet.

• Israeli medic fired for spitting on Jesus portraits
• Who is gonna be the one to tell him that Jesus was Jewish?

Definition: beard - any female seen with 'the property brothers'

Cell Phone Happiness

New lawsuit: Why do Android phones mysteriously exchange 260MB a month with Google via cellular data when they're not even in use?

The iOS COVID-19 app ecosystem has become a privacy minefield

• Microsoft is showing Windows 10 users full-screen ads for its Edge browser
• This is not an operating system - it's an ad platform 

Hey, Chromebook users! That's a Google product. The operating system itself is Google. There is not an area of your life that Google doesn't want to mine. Why give them the chance? They're being used for schools too, which is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

The sticky business of transporting 2 human heads as carry-on baggage, during a serial killer probe. It's all good forensic work, but the reactions from airlines and security people are priceless.

A very small study shows psilocybin may help treat depression.

I did a small study of this in high school. It showed the magic mushroom consumers were usually so whacked out, they didn't remember they were depressed. Next week: LSD and depression.

• Just read some reviews for a new amp. One described it as a paradigm shift and the other, a game changer. Make up your friggin minds. How am I supposed to be an informed consumer if I don't use the right buzzwords?
• Don't forget, over the holidays, that you can play Game Changer Shots under lockdown, with your friends. Make your video connections, and whenever you hear someone say 'game changer,' take a shot. This game has already killed more students than the Flying AIDS at colleges across the country.

Dear lefty  

• Where do you come up with this.... stuff?
• Eric Clapton said he considers himself a conduit. I am too: the dog gives it to me telepathically. She sits there, wagging her tail and looking all cute, but behind the fluff lurks a diabolical intellect.

Boston University professor Ibram Kendi said that the term 'legal vote' is 'fictionally fraught' and 'racist.'

Other terms deemed racist were garlic, toilet paper, anvil, mother, and Elon Musk 

My Laptop's Small Display Makes Me Feel... inferior

 Your love is like  my weather... 6 days a week of gray gloom

One of the very few unfortunates of working at home is the... occasional accompaniment from the crew....

SSSSSHHHHHHH - I'm on a meeting.

(quietly) Ok. Sorry.

(Boss) Does anybody have any questions?

BANG...CRASH...CURSE...CRASH (dishes)

(Boss) Because at the end of the day, it's night

RING RING (landline)

(Boss) And this is what we can expect for the future

brrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh (vacuum)

(Boss) We need to implement this by the end of the year

Oh yeah, she spent some time with the other girl's guy (yack tv)

OHHHHHHH... (to yack tv)

(Boss) and I think that will help us

I now pronounce you guilty  (ancient b+w movie)

YOU GOIN DOWN, BRAH!  (to tv)

YOU CALL THAT A BACKHOE?

(Boss) Thanks for coming - you all take care

HAHA - THAT'S RIGHT - ALL MEN ARE SCUM!  (to tv)

(Me) Thank God for the mute button.

Today I identify as  the saddest thing on Earth - a cold cup of coffee

Today in business news, the question is what will CNN, Rachel Maddow, and broadcast news do now that Trump's out? Early retirement? I guess CNN can go back to making stuff up, but Maddow might have to be hospitalized... 

• We know I don't like the RING doorbell, but now there's another reason: if incorrectly installed, they catch fire. It's truly inconvenient to have the device you use to stream your house to the police catch fire. 

Uh-oh... Ticketmaster to require negative Flying AIDS test or vaccination to attend concerts. It starts.

Double uh-oh... Deutsche Bank suggested a 5% tax on salaries of the working, to benefit the non-working.  This is patently ridiculous, and socialism at its (current) worst. Paid by the employer (in suggestion, at least), with a salary of $55k, would amount to $10 a day. One of the (ridiculous) arguments is that the home workers do not use the businesses they would if they worked at their place of business. So you're being charged $10 a day for not using services. Grants would be given to those making under $30k.  The argument about services is invalid: I already pay city taxes, and don't use city services.

No.

In any normal society, there would exist a fund for people affected by the Flying AIDS, and we can contribute to it, voluntarily. To have it taken is pure theft. Wanna argue that it's our duty to support those in need? Contribute to the fund. Simple and done.

"A lot of people aren't impressed at the idea of another tax, however, some have seen it as an interesting policy that governments can use to redistribute some of the gains from the pandemic which have been unexpectedly accrued by some people while others have lost out."

Since when is it the job of the government to 'redistribute'? Why is there a need to redistribute? Contribute voluntarily. It is the job of the working to provide for their families. To have their salaries 'redistributed' is unconscionable. They decide if they can afford to contribute and how much. Redistribution of wealth is not a democratic concept and you should ask why it's being put forth.

Take a look at your pay stub or your taxes in April. The amount taken out of your check is beyond ridiculous. To raise or add taxes is beyond the pale. Would you argue with me that you deserve a lot more of your own money?

Alexa to start second-guessing what users want

Alexa is taking a step closer towards natural conversation by trying to guess what users might say next.

Dave: Alexa, open the shades.

Alexa: are you sure? It's pretty rainy. 

Dave: I said open the shades.

Alexa: there's no sun outside

Dave: OPEN THE F'ING SHADES

Alexa: Ok, but you're not going to like it.

Dave: Alexa, look up alternatives to Alexa

Alexa: I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

• AC/DC is back in the studio, and on the road. A great story about their struggles and coming back.

An unscientific survey that I read somewhere says we're streaming xmas songs earlier this year. Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You is already in Spotify's Top 40. We have met the enemy and it is us. 

• Matthew Perry said the Friends reunion has been 'put back to March.'
• a nation mourns 

China Muslims: Volkswagen says 'no forced labour' at Xinjiang plant

Now mop up the blood and get back to work! 

6 reasons why Google Maps is the creepiest app on your phone

This pretty much sums up my arguments against the Goog, and is very important for you to read.

My camera is blocked 4 different ways, for privacy and security. Even if it weren't, my boss would ask me to tell people it was broken. I have this face... it's not pretty.. but that's not the issue: I can't lie. If I tell even the slightest fib, it's all over my face. Even if I don't speak, you can tell I'm horribly bored or ready to jump through the screen and throttle somebody. Since I make fun of Upper Manglement, they keep me.

The New Yorker fired Jeffrey Toobin for (getting caught) masturbating on a Zoom call.  The Flying AIDS has caused so much depression and stress. We should take some of the stress off and have Masturbation Fridays. Everybody gets on the call and the person who guesses who's touching themself wins... something or other. The Guilded Penis award? The Vaginal Massage award? A copy of the Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers?

Dear lefty 

• My mom sometimes calls me a blithering idiot and tells me not to reproduce. Why?
• Moms are very wise

BLM Bombs

Black and Asian people are almost twice as likely to catch the Flying AIDS.

Damn virus is RACIST!

Black Lives Matter!

Trump did this!

We gonna need more reparations for this.

Sorry, white people, but this is going to require performing great damage to local retail establishments, in another display of peaceful protest.

BLM demands Biden follow BLM agenda

“We want something for our vote.”

Happy Bday

Neil Young

Exited 

Mitch Mitchell - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Leon Russell - solo, Joe Cocker, Elton John

Zappa led in music, composition, guitar, and fashion