Sergeant - Arm the Dog Hair Bomb

Your love is like  used wrapping paper

It's early, I'm sitting down to work, and something's tickling me at the outside of my awareness. I know there's something just a bit off. I must've left a machine on. Nope. Look, look... an old machine I used to use has powered itself up, for no particular reason. Either that, or they're becoming alive.... ever wonder what they do when you're not around?  Yes, Mr. FBI agent, they must've turned themselves on and downloaded those files....

I just discovered I was the only one in my crew working on a (surprise) day off a few weeks ago. It's the smart wuns that make them really stoopid mistakes. As my childhood friend said, "You're the dumbest smart person I know."

Today I identify as  a coworker who never seems to do much

A small number of Flying AIDS patients develop severe psychotic symptoms.

Which seems to explain Congress....

Military recruiting crisis looms with youth too flabby to defend nation.

Who coulda seen that coming?

PRIVATE, gimme 10!

1... 1 and a half....

I said 10, maggot!

I... I can't... sir

10 laps around the course.

Sir.. I can't get to the starting gate.

What can you do, sissy?

You have any game consoles that need hacking? Chips that need eating?

Go up that ladder!

Can't, Sir - too far to go and afraid of heights.

Firing range!

No, Sir. Guns kill, like words. 

I SAID PICK UP THE GUN!

Too heavy, haven't had my Red Bull today.

In non-related news, human remains were found on Joint Base San Antonio. It appears recruits need to defend themselves from the military, not foreigners.

The Boeing 737 MAX is set to return to the skies (and hopefully not to the ground). Boeing has renamed the plane 738 MAX, in hopes no one will notice.

Tesla sales have somewhat slowed of late because they explode like a flamethrower. The slight dip in sales was followed by a surge in sales, among thrill-seekers, who enjoy the rush of knowing their car can burst into flames at any moment. Like fire. Fire good.

Tesla says that if you feel the car starting to go up in a fireball, get out of it and call their hotline: 1-666-GO BOOM. Tesla's plan to send a fire truck and another Tesla went up in flames, so to speak, when the replacement Teslas also blew up.

You better refund my money or I'll park my Tesla outside your store.

Wanna date? We'll go in my Tesla. It'll be a blast!

Sign in front of AT&T buildings: No Tesla Parking  

I have had some of the greatest sex of my life in my Tesla. It always ends in me getting blown to bits.

The Odyssey and even Dr Seuss have been burned by the Cancel Crowd, for use in schools. 

children shouldn’t have to read stories written in anything other than the present-day vernacular—especially those in which racism, sexism, ableism, anti-Semitism, and other forms of hate are the norm,”

 I, for one, welcome this Puritan-like censorship, if it means no more Shakespeare. Also canceled were:

• Homer Simpson: attitudes about junk food
• the one with the whale, Animal Farm, To Kill A Mockingbird: animal abuse
• Hansel and Gretl: elder abuse
• Catcher in the Rye: John Lennon abuse
• Green Eggs and Ham: promotes lax attitudes about food safety
• Roadrunner: everybody knows Coyotes are a code word for Jews
• Frankenstein: corpse-ism, many-isms depending on who the parts came from
• The Taming of the Shrew: sexism
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: able-ism
• King Lear: feudalism
• Gulliver's Travels, Little Women: height-ism
• Harry Potter: hatred of witches and potters

Anthony Warner, alleged RV bomber, is starting to show up in the press, with all sorts of stories of what happened before he allegedly blew himself (and AT&T) up. The FBI is investigating, which can only mean one thing: Warner was very low on the IQ scale, and was telling people he wanted to blow something up. The FBI encouraged him to go ahead, gave him the explosives, and now have named the culprit. They've done this a number of times, including a NY building bomber.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Through the Water Curtain and other Tales from Around the World, Uber Eats Clone

In case you think I'm a tinfoil cap wearing loon, check this article out, about cars being a treasure trove of information. While it's true, I am a tinfoil cap wearing loon, there's a reason for guarding your privacy with all the great new technology we have. 

The telematics system stores a vehicle's turn-by-turn navigation, speed, acceleration and deceleration information, as well as more granular clues, such as when and where the lights were switched on, the doors were opened, seat belts were put on and airbags were deployed.

This is just the beginning, especially if you allow the car access to your phone. This information is being accessed by police, advertisers, and who knows who else. Here's a business opportunity - a garage that hacks this crap out.

• The Flying AIDS bill has an interesting attachment: our spy agencies are given 180 days to disclose the truth about UFOs. 
• Damn. 
• Well, they can tell the truth OR they will say they have nothing responsive to the request. I say Rubio and Trump, with the press, should walk into Wright Patterson base and show everybody what's there. 

HIM: Let's play Epstein

HER: What's Epstein?

HIM: You ask me to massage you, then make me take my clothes off and have sex with you.

HER: ok, but only if you let me suicide you when we're done

• Wonder Woman 1984, yet another remake, is having questionable box office returns. Industry professionals are afraid to state that it might have something to do with having a trans man in the title role.

Queens of the Stone Age: they've been around for a while, but I haven't heard much from them, so I dove head first into a concert on tv. You know what they say about diving... make sure there's water in the pool. It's ok, I don't like anything.

• the Polk County, Florida, sheriff authorized a sting operation at a flea market, of vendors selling 'pirate' Amazon Firesticks.
• Don't they have any illegal gatherings to bust up?

It's lonely at work. The loneliest person ever is always the one running a meeting. I don't know who pulled their body parts out, but no one will respond to a thing the moderator says. It's not like anybody's going to get in trouble for an answer or much of anything. They just don't speak.

MOD: Hey, everybody. Good morning.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: Am I on? Can everybody hear me?

EVERYBODY: [silence].. [silence].. uncomfortable [silence].. [1 person] Uhh, yes.

MOD: So, you're all fired.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: Just kidding. You all got a raise.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: I'm trying to decide where to put the servers - behind the firewall, or just out on the internet, where anybody can get to them. Thoughts? Security Department?

EVERYBODY:

This is every meeting, whether 3 or 300 participants, regardless of moderator. Anybody who's read this blog more than once knows I abhor a vacuum. I was raised strangely, in that if someone asks me a question, especially someone who's paying me, I answer it. No one told me that was optional, so everybody got to know my voice. I realized I take some of the pressure off my teammates because they figure I'll answer the questions or do the work. OH, I get it.

I learned a valuable lesson at my first job: when the boss says 'we', he means 'you.' "We need to get that area cleaned up." The only time it didn't mean 'you' was when he said "We need to go to lunch with that hot rep."

The other day I let someone else lead, vowing to give only factual, 2 syllable answers. No sarcasm (someone wanted to check my pulse). This was because of a variant on the First Lesson: This is messed up. What are 'you' going to do about it? Gee, fella, what 'we' would normally do is call 'you' because it's 'your' equipment. 

Let me explain it another way: you set it up, you have admin rights, you fixed every issue we've had with it (after we called your boss). Whereas, we only have user rights and honestly believe there are squirrels running on a belt inside the machine.

Let me explain it another way: when I take my Chevy to the dealership because it's leaking something that looks flammable, the dealer doesn't ask me how I'm going to fix it. He just fixes it, claims the problem was out of warranty, and charges me for a new engine.

Let me explain it another way: when your wife wrecks the Chevy and asks what 'she' is going to do about it....  "Oh, I get it. Nothing more to say - I'll call you when it's fixed."

I want to learn to not answer questions in a meeting, but it's so hard... letting that dead air go... when I know the answer. Or use the opportunity to suggest getting rid of Windows and using linux on all servers. Sometimes people speak when I say this stuff... it's usually a mixture of groaning and loud applause. I have a new exercise: before I answer, I remember there are a lot of extremely intelligent people who have been there a long time and are in departments way over mine, so if they don't answer, maybe I shouldn't. 

Nah, just kidding - I have no problem telling highly capable people above me they're wrong. Plus somebody's gotta answer... don't they?

• Fish spaghetti?

Dear lefty 

• Why hasn't there been a Dear lefty in the last few pages?
• we're tired of your whining 
• Look, I'm serious.
• you don't look serious
• My girlfriend said either the guitars go or she goes. What do I do?
• ask her for a forwarding address 

Ebay is soliciting reviews on things people buy. Here's my first one:

It looked really great in the description. I tracked it anxiously, every day, even when it spent 2 weeks in the Delivery Abyss. So if it ever arrives, I'll jump back on and leave another review. How long should I wait until I cancel the order?

There are certain actors who get typecast in a role, for better or worse.

One of my all time favorites is John Astin (Gomez Addams). Sometimes I wonder if he was really acting. Whenever he popped up on different shows, all I saw was Gomez playing the part. That twinkle in his eye, that slight smile, that Zen Yogi. Morticia (Carolyn Jones) fared much better in other roles. One could argue it had something to do with not wearing a long black wig and a dress that only allowed her to shuffle. 

Then there was the Greatest Supporting Actor in a Comedy Who Never Got Recognized, Stephen Stucker (Johnny in Airplane). I just can't imagine him leaping into the air in a different movie, saying "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" or "and Leon's getting larrrrrrger." (RIP)

Forget John Cleese (or any of the Pythons) doing serious roles. There will always be a bunch of guys in the back, shouting "This parrot is dead. It's a stiff!" Note: this does not apply to Michael Palin's series on railway trips. He's dead serious. So very serious. Incredibly serous. I watched most of a show, waiting for a punchline. I broke my own leg.

Who else? Leave a comment.

• Why does this software make me log in to tell me I have been logged out, then I have to log back in? Was the alcohol flowing freely that day?

Happy New Year.

2020 is about to bite the big one, none too soon.

I wish you

Good health, happiness, financial and all sorts of other whoopee.

Read the label carefully.

Tell your pets Penny said hi.

Please don't drink and do much of anything else. Or just drink virtually.

Take your medicine (as prescribed)

Keep coming back and tell your friends (I can't get my own family to read this)

-lefty

Buy a tree, get a free Mercedes!

Badminton

 I'm sorry to have to use that word, but things are getting serious.

Shuttlecock, tits, and blue boobies are all things that fly.

Boeing 737 MAX does not fly.

Your love is like a quickie sex change

The meatloaf sandwich had a slice of meatloaf so large, I almost had to unhinge my jaw to get it in my mouth. You're just waiting for me to say "now I know how Mrs lefty feels" but I'm not going to do that.

I'm happy to say the house is now decorated, as is the tree. It looks fantastic; more fantastic than I could ever make it. Presents were exchanged the other night. There was great tittering about the Eeyore onesie. Onesie is a stupid word, with an even more stupid spelling. Yes, we need a new word for it, but let me explain: it's almost Eeyore pajamas that you step into and zip up. We have Eeyore shirts, mugs, sweatshirts, overalls, jackets, and even panties. There are no Eeyore bras (I looked).

There are multiple (haha) advantages of living with a dissociative. It's always Christmas, because they don't always remember getting the present. You can ask one what the other would like. They're also not likely to remember what they told you they like or what they told you to order, so it's new again!

A short while back, I wrote about the evolution of PONG and video games in general. What should appear but a box with a 3' tall Pac-Man game. I'm more impressed with all the ways you can mount it - they did a great job. There is approximately 1 video game enthusiast in the house, although I haven't asked the dog yet. "But who do I play against?" Yourselves? "They suck."  And I'm going to be any better? I don't even like video games.

"I'm going to take a nap and set my alarm. When I'm done, we can play video games."

I see. And what time are you setting your alarm for?

"Well, the first one for 1:35, the second one for 2:25, and the 3rd for 2:45."

I see. And why do you need 3 alarms?

"In case I miss one."

I see. Wouldn't you be better off setting them for 5-10 minutes apart because you're not likely to be in the same sleep cycle?

"NOOOOOOOOO - this is the way we do it."

I see. Enjoy your nap.

Today I identify as  mace - the spice and the pointy implement you swing around to cause great damage

I got a thing for xmas. It's really difficult to describe. Take a tv soundbar and shrink it down to about a foot. Then plug it into your tv (or laptop). There's a setting to emphasize speech frequencies, in case I'm going to have a problem with my hearing.

The thing sounds really good plugged into the laptop, which is just not made for hifi sound. I even tested the speech emphasis, which does exactly what it says it does. It's not that I'm not grateful, I just want to know the mindset that produced this product as a gift for me. As far as I know, my hearing's ok. I hope these people aren't psychic...

Mrs lefty, however... it's difficult to tell how much is hearing loss and how much is Space Cadet. I have banged on a door she's sitting against, then scared her when I spoke. I have taken to trudging through rooms so she'll be aware I'm coming. When I say hello, she levitates 6". This became a very popular party game with the nieces and nephews. They'd creep up behind her and say HELLO, and she'd leap. I believe the winner was the one who got her to leap the highest. The sad part about this is that even without knowing about the party game, the kids (and my brother) would still come up behind to watch her levitate. I think it's abusive, so I stopped (last week).

Ever see the stamps dot com commercial? Sure you have - everybody has. If you know anything about the final lady with the big hair, leave the info in comments, please. Just for science, of course.

Where are your packages, lefty?

UPS continues to give insights into the never-before-explored area of Package Delivery Dynamics (PDD). One box has spent 3 weeks taking trips around the seller's state. Several more are in the Abyss. I understand this might've been a volume issue, but it's not like the Flying AIDS was a secret and nobody knew people were buying online. Didn't we discuss this during the election, with mailin votes? People have long advocated privatizing the post office. This should be the final nail. Roughly half of my gifts are still in USPS Delivery Uncertainty Hell. These gifts were guaranteed to be here long before xmas.

Mainstream or Pr0n: I'll list a title of a recent release. You tell me if it's mainstream or pr0n. SpongeBob SquarePants Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated

So Hoarders is on. I have no idea why Mrs lefty watches this. Maybe she wants to feel better about us.. you can see carpet and there are pathways in our house. This 1 poor guy hoarded and had OCD - he hit the jackpot. I feel terrible about the issues these people face. Either that, or I'm terrified the city will come around and demand we clean up or else... or else... Idiot Mayor will mandate masks inside the house.

Of course I'm kidding. I take the trash out and vacuum on special occasions.

OCD is rough. My sis-in-law has it. Twice. She would make sure the cereal boxes were in alphabetical order, then arrange the pots and pans. I have no idea how someone with OCD arranges pans, but there's a fair chance if we find out, we'll explode. Her young child picked up rearranging the pots and pans and did it as a form of play (not as OCD). This might be the first ever case of OCD by Proxy. I just made that diagnosis up.

Before the Flying AIDS, there were compulsive hand washers. Look under the sink, people. If there's a gallon jug of hand cleaner, there might be an issue. If there are several gallon jugs of hand cleaner, one of those tv therapists from Hoarders might be convinced to come by. OCD is compoulsion to do stuff. Like pulling the door shut 3 times or you can't go anywhere. Or pulling the door shut on your foot, in which case you can't go anywhere, but as the ambulance is carrying you away, you're SCREAMING that you have to go back because you didn't pull the door 3 times. Another is having to come back to the house 4 times to make sure you didn't leave the gas burner on. This is particularly interesting when you're late for work. What you don't know is the neighbors are standing at their windows with stopwatches, timing and counting your returns. The one who comes closes wins a prize. Hint: don't go to the neighborhood fair. That's where they present the prizes.

Make sure to get your cereal and other boxes lined up alphabetically. Or is that size order? You gotta have this right or you can't go on to making certain the toilet paper comes off the right side. Not that anything like this would happen in our house, but we were food shopping once and I was throwing cans on the slider. I was informed that the labels had to be pointing OUT. Because I'm a complete bastard, I kept pointing them in other directions, causing great consternation. This is but a tiny example of the horrors of living with me.

But I want to defend us: we're not hoarders, we're putting-it-back impaired. If we put stuff back, the place would look almost normal. Mrs lefty doesn't hoard shoes - she just keeps buying new ones before she's worn the old ones much. I am certainly not a hoarder - I just have Guitar Acquisition Syndrome (GAS). What if I need to make a certain sound or tone? I have equipment for that. Even if I don't play with a band or record at all. I'm not a hoarder - I'm extremely well prepared.

Some of these people don't throw out trash. There can be rats, mice, or deceased pets in the mess. Thus far no deceased spouses, but it's early in the season.

What causes hoarding? Lack of sex.

C'mon, lefty, you blame lack of sex for everything.

Do you really want to prove it isn't?

Oh. Ok.

Sometimes it's trauma. A death. An abandonment. Some ass turning all your labels the wrong way. The takeaway here is that you get help for the issue before you're swimming in 5 year old UPS boxes you never opened, swimsuits 5 sizes too small, a kitchen you can't get in to cook, and several cries for help that are getting progressively softer by the day.

Uh-oh.

Just as I said that because of sex robots, women had better be nicer to men, it appears that for procreation, men had better be nicer to women.. parthenogenesis: how females from some species can reproduce without males.

What of Windows?

How, you ask, is my favorite operating system?

When I shut it down last week, it gave me no option to update, so I  shut it down and it updated. Now that I boot it up this morning, for WORK, it decides it has to update some more. So far I'm 10 minutes late for work. My coworkers are chuckling - "I'll bet old lefty's Windows had to update some more! He's probably red with anger and ready to launch the laptop into the stratosphere. Heh heh." [general laughter]  It's been at 84% for 5 minutes. 84 is a sacred number with Windows (unless it gets stuck at some other number). As if to mock me, it says not to turn off the pc and "it will take a while." 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 LIFTOFF! We have liftoff, one laptop, on this historic lunar laptop trip. Bob, this will be the 1st time Windows has been to the moon. Yeah, Frank, although many suggest that's where it belongs.

It finally allowed me the privilege of logging in, after which it just stared at me and said 'preparing Windows'. What kind of preparation does an operating system need? Does it go around the corner for some coffee and donuts? If it does, it never got ME any. Linux never got me breakfast either, but then again, it never makes me wait while it prepares itself. Women make you wait while preparing themselves, not operating systems.

After 30 minutes, it allowed me to get to work. And when I say it allowed me, I mean I was technically connected, but moving like Congress through a pay cut. It tells me the disk is 100% in use, but the listing shows about 5%. The recent 'updates' changed the task manager and put a search bar in my task bar (HEY - you've got your search bar in my task bar!). Yes, I turned it off, but I didn't need it there. Next update will be an IoT toaster meter, which keeps track of anything in the toaster, whether I have a toaster or not. STOP HELPING ME, WINDOWS. That's a persistent cry.

Science is a wonderful thing.

The astronauts on the International Space Station grew radishes in a microfarm.

Sometimes you have to sit down and ask Science why? 

The group of people who stole the monolith in Utah, on their way out, came across another group, on their way to destroy the monolith - "That's exactly what we didn't want to happen". For those of you following along at home, the thieves didn't want the destroyers to destroy the item they thieved.

The thieves discussed the matter with BLM and had quite a shock when they realized they were talking to Black Lives Matter, when they needed to speak to the Bureau of Land Management. For their part, Black Lives Matter pronounced the monolith a tool of white supremacy and racist, before asking what a monolith was.

President Trump signed the Flying AIDS package into law.

What you don't know is that the president is in Walter Reed Hospital, after a heart attack.

Congress came up with the $600 per person bill and sent it to the president.

The president said it was rubbish, and suggested $2,000 per person.

Nancy Pelosi and the democrats were jubilant, and lined up squarely behind the president, for the first time in 5 years.

The president had a heart attack.

Exercise Causes Cancer

I'm annoyed by the exercise mirrors. I'm annoyed by most things, but that's not relevant now. You've seen the commercials... impossibly fit people exercising in front of a mirror, some impossibly attractive, while the offscreen instructors' voices urge them on. Some riding bikes. Some lifting weights. It's a horror movie for me; not only for the privacy invasion, but for the exercising. Those people are sweating. Is this the kind of thing you want to do with your day?

The devices are impossibly expensive and depend on your home's wireless internet connection. The moment you start using them, the kids are going to start hurling sharp, pointy sticks at you, because you're interrupting their torrenting, Kardashians, and pr0n. You're not going to win here. Nothing good will come out of it. I should be one of those offscreen instructors (or offscreen destructors)..

What's it today, coach?

Warmups. Warmups are essential before any exercise. Sit on the floor, legs crossed.

Ok, now what?

Take out your tablet and surf a bit. We're working on both mind and body.

[15 min later] Ok, I surfed.

Very good. I was watching and liked the way you did that. Now stand.

Standing.

This is the final part of warmup. Stand there and feel your vibes. Locate each part of your body, and make note of any that are missing.

When do I start exercising?

You are exercising, Grasshopper. You can't blow up a building without Thermite.

What does that even mean?

Are you sure you want to exercise today?

Yes, I'm sure.

This is your day off, isn't it?

Yes.

You should treat yourself... go back to bed and get up when you're done resting. You work hard. You deserve it.

Look, I paid $4,000 for this bloody exercise mirror so I could exercise.

Open the freezer, Grasshopper, and grab some Haagen Dazs.

Ok.

Have a spoonful.

Ok.

Have another.

Ok.

Isn't that good?

Yes, but I eat too much of it.

Have another.

Ok, one more.

Have another.

Coach, I can't.

Dig down deep and find the strength to have another spoonful. I know you have it in you.

Mmph....groan..... I DID IT!

I'm very proud of you. Now take a shower and a nap. I'll see you next week.

I don't know why or how this would happen, but let's say someone left one of these torture devices at my house one day....

Hi, you're new. It's lefty?

Yup.

lefty, what's your end goal?

For Bob to get his mirror the hell out of my house.

What's your end goal for your body?

Ummm... lots of attractive women touching it?

lefty, be serious.

I am serious.

Let's warm up.

It's 75 degrees outside. The air conditioner's about to come on, Why on Earth would I want to warm up? Let's cool down. Besides - exercise causes cancer.

lefty, what would you like to work on?

mmmm... I already did napping... hey, I know, my sleep is interrupted a lot lately. Whatcha got for that?

Well, we have an exercise that...

HOLD on.. you can't exercise before bed or you won't be able to get to bed.

What should we work on - arms, legs, abs?

Penis.

Penis?

Penis.

Why do you want to exercise your... thing? 

Well, it thinks it's busy all the time and needs to be convinced to rest. It doesn't get half the fun it thinks it does. All the ladies at work call me Tripod. It's embarrassing,

I'm sorry, lefty, we have no exercises for your... genitals. Say, you're looking a little scrawny, with a small beer gut, how bout some sit ups?

Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how difficult it was to sit up in bed before I got in front of this mirror?

Have you ever done any lifting?

Tons. With my fork.

Why don't you try the bicycle?

Why don't you try the bicycle? Besides, it doesn't go anywhere.

It's not supposed to go anywhere, it's a fitness bicycle.

Well what's the point of that? You put all that energy into pedaling and you don't go anywhere..

How about jogging in place?

Same thing, isn't it?

Chin ups?

Oh man, I always hated those. One time in high school I did one.

Push ups?

Too much like having sex by myself.

You sure are creative.

So I'm told.

Especially when it comes to not exercising.

It's my life's work.

lefty, how about we get you one of those impossibly fit. attractive models to demonstrate the exercises - would that be ok?

Perfect, thank you.

How would this affect your views on exercising?

No change. She'd go through the exercises, I'd sit there and evaluate her performance. Please be sure to send a clipboard.

I hear your wife has a strict No Dating policy.

Only below the belt. Please don't send a fat one.

Can you imagine being my parents?

If you ever feel you're not getting enough out of the USPS mangling your delivery, sign up for alerts. You already know from looking at the tracking info, the package has gone "into the system" and no one will ever see it again. I just discovered that the package sent 3 weeks ago from one state north has just shown up: one state east. Perhaps it needs to complete the entire compass before arriving. I'm signing up for alerts for the rest of the packages that never showed up. I desperately need the entertainment.

Hey, lefty - how's the new car?

I'm glad you asked. I was handed the quick start manual the other day, because manuals are Men's Jobs. You know you're in trouble when there's a quite start manual for your car. Suffice it to say the description of the car on the website was... somewhat.... lacking.. in a good way. Not that I remember a single thing I read (ever), but there's a lot of stuff in that car. I think what they do is use a template: car comes complete with 4 wheels, seats, 5 cylinder engine, and trunk. Going further might hurt someone's coffee cake. 

I mentioned remembering old Lincoln commercials where seat positions had 2 different memory settings for different drivers. Check. Auto-start - check (with app). What kind of car requires an app? Turn off backup camera (suck it, neighbors!) - check. Other ridiculous stuff - check. I feel like I bought a luxury car. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Hyundais, but they're not exactly luxury cars. Mrs lefty loves it already. I was allowed to drive it once. The problem is that there's some connectivity to the outside world. This is an extreme no-no. Things like GPS and OnStar-like services have to GO. And this isn't a new car. They're tracking beacons. Since the cars are more electronically controlled, they're easier to find and easier to remotely operate. Now I have to find the bloody modems and rip them out. Wanna buy a modem, anybody? Maybe we can switch, so your Ford identifies as a Hyundai and vice versa. I just don't need that kind of connectivity....  Unfortunately this will require some kind of sleuthing and mechanical ability, so I'm pretty much in trouble...  

Before the previous Hyundai, we experienced Sticker Shock when buying new tires. I bought tires for my land yachts for $60. Hyundai tires were $250! And they had considerably less rubber, perhaps with considerably less comfortable ride. And need to be replaced more often. Do car makers own the tire companies?

Text Me

Texting is the Next Big Thing. Yes, we've been using it all along, but businesses are getting into it. Doctors are texting to burn up the coverage for the year, so they can start burning up next year's coverage next year. Phone carriers text. Quite frankly, I'm all for it. When you text, you have to keep it short and you don't have to talk to anybody - what greater gift could there be to humanity and agoraphobes specifically? I'd rather spend twice the time scheduling office visits than actually call the office. Now there are a bunch of businesses (and people) you wish would get on the texting bandwagon... (definitely not politicians) like...  your relatives. The older they are, the more fun they are in text. Some sign them - Love, Aunt Martha. If they like to dictate them, it's even funnier - And the mask is tomorrow love you Fritos.

Itchy Itchy Nasal Passages

Your love is like   mouse fricassee

I'm always behind, to the detriment of my career(s).

I've been a smartass for my entire life, saying the first thing that came to mind. Then I heard Howard Stern.

I've talked back to the tv since before I could actually talk. Then I saw Mystery Science Theater.  Dear Lord, I was home. Except for the fact I couldn't get anybody to pay me to keep a running antisocial narrative. So I've been doing it for free for well over 25 years. Mrs lefty calls it "STFU, I'm watching this."

However, something happened tonight. She discovered a new DIY/HGTV/FLIPit show. I will never bother, preferring to watch my laptop process individual bytes, then count my ear hair. The thing that caught her was the couple saying their budget for a house was no more than $750,000. Ok, at that point, it was ON. 

They got their 'small cottage' and needed a room decorated for Christmas. So they called in 3 ladies. Now when I needed to decorate my $650,000 cottage for Christmas, I put up a tiny Charlie Brown tree and plugged in some lights. When I met Mrs lefty, she came with her own decorating skills (and crew). Huge tree, tinsel for various pets to ingest, expensive ornaments for a cat to throw to the floor, and strings of lights that actually worked. Even the pets had stockings. I couldn't have done better.  Well, according to this show, I could.

One lady was in charge of the mantle over the fireplace. She envisioned making it come alive. She went home and sketched things, trying them out on her mantle. It turned out that she had a favorite evergreen, which she wrapped around herself in orgiastic glee. She talked (and talked) about the smells and situations in which she used certain evergreens. She also had some sort of red buds she kept talking to. We couldn't hear what she was saying, but we knew it was scary. She had a bedroom with 3 dead boyfriends in it, decorated with her work.

The 2nd bouncy lady was a precocious little girl, by which I mean she spent a lot of time at the table, coloring with crayons.  Her mother encouraged her, because she knew that if she didn't, the little bastard would be vacuuming the curtains and performing unnecessary procedures upon the cats. Mom called the crayon scribbles 'designs.' When the little girl hit 20, she called herself a 'designer' and, being quite attractive, married a wealthy man, giving herself the time and space to  work on her career and designs. For this particular project, after some Very Serious Thinking, she decided on stockings. Not your store-bought stocking units, no sir.. these people were getting all handmade decorated stockings. She took us through the whole process of deciding what would be on the stockings. Since the baby didn't have much of a past to draw from, she decided on some decorations. Mrs lefty took one look and said, "Do you see what she DID? She took a small button, glued it to a safety pin, then glued it to the stocking. The baby will get hold of it, choke on the button, then put holes in his windpipe with the safety pin. The baby will die before they finish dialing 911."  Do ya see? Do ya see why I married her? So this was obviously her first project, to be followed in short order by her first lawsuit. Her husband better be well-insured.

The last lady was the baker. She was startlingly normal by comparison. She made a humongous house, iced to death, which almost disintegrated on the trip over. She was also early in her career, as the entire little city was outlined in little candies for the baby to choke on. Business would really take off if they called themselves The Babykillers.

The final scene was everything in place, with the family in the room. The looks of terror on the children's faces were worth the time wasted watching the show. The adults hid it much better. You know what the cake is going to look like, you know more or less what the stockings will look like, but just revealed is the 'Living Sculpture' of previously alive flora, called Hell in Evergreen. I don't want to say it was scary, but if Vincent Price saw it, he'd have run, screaming, through the wall. Sure, you can put a wreath or 2 over the fireplace, make it look spirited... but this looked haunted, alive, and dangerous. It looked, from any angle, like it was going to grow itself over the walls and kill you (and your little dog too). The baby screamed for its life, which the parents played off as having a cold.

When the Dangerous Trio left, dad got the axe and started hacking away at the evergreens. The oldest boy got the fire extinguisher and repeatedly doused the things, in case they tried to rise from the dead. Mom called the emergency bricklayers, to fix the hole in the wall left by Vincent Price.

Can't you just see our silhouettes in the lower right of the screen, doing running commentary? Although I don't think any of the House networks would pay us...

Today I identify as  a Christmas gift of a cologne set

• Occasionally I come up with a fashion tip: if you have long, dark, silky hair, let it hang! Unless it's growing from your back, in which case, wear a shirt, ok? 

The Holiday moves on, with bright eyes, expecting to get the tree decorated.

The homemade cards, finished mid-December, await printing. The people who got the electronic version have already been horrified and/or confused, but politely responded with a thank you.

The gifts remain under the undecorated tree. No idea whether decorating or gift-opening comes first. I'll stand by, strangely quiet (and quietly strange).

Some neighbors gave out pens and little things. My paranoid schizophrenic neighbor and I suspect they're bugged by the NSA.

The pickles that were requested to be left out are still out, untouched and out of dog reach. I don't think they're good after 3 days but I don't eat them. In another day, I'm going to get an angry question: "Why are there pickles on the counter?" Because you asked. "I did not."  This is why everything's my fault. Well, this and I'm the man in the relationship.

Because we're in danger of getting the tree lit and the celebration started within a week of Christmas, we decided to go visiting, like some sort of demented Santa and Mrs. Claus.

• An RV in Nashville announced it was going to explode in 15 minutes and kept its word. A subject is being interviewed.
• Completely blown up was the AT&T building. AT&T subscribers say the service has never been better.

God.... Solved 

As we know, a religion's seriousness is judged by the size and height of its headgear. The taller the high priest's headgear, the more serious the religion.

I'm watching Ancient Aliens when it hits me.... 

Giorgio Tsoukalis is God.

Rather than having Serious Headgear, he has Serious Hair, therefore he is obviously divine. I'll give you a moment to think about this.

There are many variations in God's hair, which is how you tell he's telling the truth or giving you some sort of jive. God has a hell of a sense of humor, unlike the God depicted in all the religious texts. God's hair seems to get up to all sorts of heights and widths, but it's generally symmetrical. When it's not symmetrical, you better run, because somebody pissed Him off and there's gonna be a plague.

God is a seeker and has His apostles with Him, which He calls His Posse. They are well known to anybody who watches Ancient Aliens:

George Noory: a popular nighttime radio host and the only Indian guy I've ever seen with a bad rug

Erich von Daniken: wrote Chariot of the Gods, wears impossibly-shaded blue suit jacket, thinks it officially marks him as a member of the God Squad

David Childress: aka David Hatcher Childress, is given the least important stuff to say, because with his sing-song voice, no one can listen to him for more than 1 sentence

David Wilcock: just makes stuff up. The outrageousness of what he's saying is depicted by the size of his forehead. It can range from 'that's big' to 'oh no, it's going to take over his head!'

Linda Moulton Howe: the lone female, her mouth has gotten progressively wider over the years, threatening to swallow her whole face. When really serious, refers to herself as Linda Howe. As the lone female, enjoys being chased by every male ufo researcher ever.

Ancient Aliens developed a huge following, resulting in many seasons. One of the first things they were told came from the legal department. The show would say "Cher came from Mesopotamia, 700 years ago." Legal told them you cannot say that, so every claim, no matter how outrageous, is preceded by "Ancient astronauts believe..." which cuts way down on the lawsuits.

This, in turn, led to the Ancient Astronauts Drinking Game. You take a shot every time they say "ancient astronauts believe." Legal suggested they downplay this game, because it killed several hundred people during the season opener.

The team was on a historic dig and found this item:

After careful consideration by Erich, in a slightly darker than normal blue jacket, everybody agrees that this is a 17,000 year old account of an alien visitation to the Yeahreally tribe. You can see the spacesuit, just like our spacesuits, in the brown part. Notice the goggles. You can see this in all the tributes to it through the years. You might even have one in your house. They all go back to this piece.

As it turns out, Erich was pretty far off, timewise. In 31,000 BC, the Yeahreally tribe was minding its own business, when these things came falling from the sky. The Yeahreally's chief, Bob, was naturally suspicious. Bob asked his advisor, Frank, "Why, in 31,000 BC, are these things falling from the sky?" Frank asked, "What is BC?" Chief Bob told him to keep his mind on the matter at hand. 

To commemorate the day these things fell from the sky, they created tributes. They never figured out what these were for, but had an inexplicable feeling the things should be with the women of the tribe.

To this day, Giorgio has a small replica of this alien artifact pinned to his jacket.

With all this talk of trips to Mars, there is now arguing over how to set up government on Mars. A long time ago, the rights to the Moon were established. Imagine the hubris of claiming parts of a planet, Apollos planted American flags on the surface, and recently, the aliens moved them, because they like messing with us. Most recently, China farted in the general direction of our flags, refusing to recognize US sovereignty.

So now we're taking our nonsense to Mars. Has anybody asked the Martians about this yet? It's bad form to claim part of a planet without asking the current residents. NASA has not released the photos of the Mars Rover, with "Hey hey, we're the Martians," written on it in the dust. I don't know about you, but I don't think this is going to end well. Be very vigilant: if the Martians immediately high-five Elon Musk, the fix was in.

Dear lefty 

• What did Penny get for Christmas?
• Chewy treats, chewy snacks, chewy stuffed animals (that weren't hers)
• What did Mrs lefty get?
• an adult size Eeyore costume she calls a Won-Z 
• What did you get for Christmas?
• cold. It was very cold 
• No, really.
• lefty's Home Demolition Kit<tm> - intermediate version - just add Thermite! 

A 37 year old man 'allegedly' beat an 82 year old man to death with an oxygen tank. Because this was California, they charged him with a hate crime. The 82 year old was praying, which set off the 37 year old. How do the police know the 82 year old wasn't praying for the peace and relief of death and the 37 year old wasn't delivering?        ----> I think I just finished paying off my ticket to hell

Folks, we're at the halfway point of the point we've been waiting for since a few months ago: that week between Christmas and New Years Day. We already got Christmas off work, then the better part of the week is work until New Years. Unless you're one of those crafty people who took a Monday off to get more days. Or one of those complete bastards who took vacation time on the week in between, leaving your coworkers with all the work, while you sleep late, eat Christmas junk, and hit the sales, buying next year's Christmas decorations. Or sit around and touch yourself. The joke's on you: there's no work to be done this week and your coworkers are sitting at their computers, trying to hack the payroll server.

The more neurotic of you are already depressed and mentally back at work, after the new year, with no more days off for a while. You will not be happy with this situation, or life, until you seek counseling, or a Scrooge-like transformation occurs. Rest assured that when it does, and you give presents to everyone, they will listen for ticking, and place them in one of those bomb squad concrete containers in the garage, never to open them. The joke's on all of you: fruitcake doesn't explode (unless eaten).

Rabies and the Perfect Ring

 Your love is like  that new untreatable strain of gonorrhea

Yes, welcome to the (sloppily arranged, last minute) annual ThermionicEmissions Christmas issue (that started this year).

Apoplectic because nobody's listening to him, Dr Anthony Fauci had a screaming meltdown on national tv (have you ever seen a sign language translator translate a meltdown?), re-stating that no one should travel this holiday. Last year, 90 million people traveled. This year it's down to 88 million, but Fauci feels unheard and unheeded. As a result, all cars can have no more than one person in them, preferably the driver. Cars and trucks will be inspected coming into and leaving the states. If found to have more than 1 occupant, they will be removed from the vehicle, forced to pay a Fauci Tax, and held in Non-Compliant Flying AIDS Transportation camps, until their party returns. Responding to the accusation that these camps are nothing but forced labor, Fauci said "It's not hard labor - they're just helping build my summer homes. The children only do cleaning, no construction work."

In other holiday news, a public transportation bus in Philadelphia saved some cars by intercepting 5 bullets. Nobody was hurt. 

This is the time of year Philly Police dress as Santa and give children presents. Many thought the tradition was stopped last year after Santa and his protection detail was mowed down by automatic weapons fire while riding a bus. Philadelphia will be the first city, after Detroit, to dress their police Santas in Kevlar vests. Police Commissioner Outlaw (that's her name) commented "Ha, yeah, you can't keep those children from getting excited when Santa and automatic weapons are in season."

Delivery marches on, or rather, delivery stops dead and has no idea where it is.

The package that went out 2 weeks ago, from 1 state north, will arrive, I am assured by the US Postal Service. It will be late.  No, you're kidding me. 2weeks+ to go 1 state. That's literally a trip across the country and back (not that we have any idea where it is now).  We don't know where it is, but it will be late - the USPS.

The one halfway across the country, at 2 weeks out, is supposed to arrive yesterday. Supposed to. The USPS is late for being late.

I'm sorry - I'm a little bitchy today because something ate my xmas gifts and it's my time of the day. 

They tell me I have to learn patience. They've been telling me this for many many years, yet they still tell me this. Maybe they need to learn to stop telling me to learn patience.

Let's trace a package:

Dec 8 - label printed

Dec 9 - USPS got its grubby little hands on it

Dec 10-22  - it's in the system

New York to PA

Dec 8 - USPS is touching the box

Dec 9 - at USPS facility in Batman, NY.

Dec 10 - leaving Batman, NY

Dec 11 - at Plant City, FL facility

Dec 12 - somewhere. It will be late, but it's definitely somewhere.

Dec 13-20 - Maui, Hawaii facility. Wouldn't you stay for a while too? Maui Wowie, man!

Dec 21 - Portland, Oregon, telling BLM that antifa dissed their mother

Dec 22 - Intercourse, PA facility. Finally in the right state.

Dec 23 - Wright Patterson Air Force Base, OH. Partying with aliens.

Dec 24 - Blue Ball, PA facility.

Dec 25 - It's Christmas, man. Do you expect us to work on Christmas? Or other days ending in -day?

Dec 26 - Batman, NY. Returned to sender because postman got TO and FROM mixed up.

Dec 27 - Picked up. Again. Note to recipient: it will be late, but at least we know where it is this time.

Dec 28 - South Dakota facility, because if you ever complain about your weather again...

Dec 29 - St Raul, Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes; each one of which package has been dropped in.

Dec 30 - deliver to 1234 Main St, PA. Postman can't find 1234 because he's on the wrong side of the street, return to sender.

Sign in Post Office:

December delivery schedule

Guaranteed Next Day Delivery: 2-4 days

Guaranteed 2 day delivery: 4-8 days

First Class: 2-30 days

Regular: good luck

Tracking: $25, will not be tracked

Guaranteed Lost: $50, may not be lost

Hey... I smell the beginnings of a brand new conspiracy theory.

The USPS is wrong nearly 100% of the time. Who else is wrong nearly 100% of the time? Weather forecasters. Coincidence? I think not.

Today I identify as  Jewish. HEY - WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY THING....??

Idiot Mayor hath decreed the restrictions will continue until late January.

Thou shalt not dine indoors, whether in a restaurant or your home, excepting that the number of diners in your home does not exceedeth 3. If thou shalt eat outdoors, the number of diners shall not exceed 4 from the same household. Thou shalt not dine outdoors without a permit or within 20' of a waiter.

Thou shalt not celebrate holidays, including in-person or on Skype, lesteth the Guardians of the State breaketh down thy door, and haul thee to the Flying AIDS Detention Center. Unless thou art an illegal alien, in which case thou shalt doeth whatever thou wanteth.

Thou shalt not purchase hoagies, steak sandwiches, dirty soft pretzels, or any other handmade food, lest the Department of SWAT visit and confiscate whatever looketh good, seeing they have not had lunch today.

HEY, HOW'S YER MOM?

For those of you playing along at home, my mother's aide tested positive for the Flying AIDS. The primary doc said only test the old, frail lady if she shows symptoms. But... a pharmacy is offering testing! Make an appointment and go! Yay! I am already more effective than her primary doctor! Many first graders are already more effective than her primary doctor.

Show up at pharmacy, making sure to have Mom along, Shotmaster asks regular or rapid test.

STOP. HALT. CEASE. Deploy Confused Face.

If you want rapid test, you have to cancel today and reschedule for later or tomorrow.

That's nice. Gee, it sure woulda been swell if I knew this.

Go online to reschedule: not a single appointment available for the next few days at any location.

Merry Xmas.

Hey - let's check the city website. They have sites! They require registration! They don't tell you how to register! Then you need an account, but they don't do antibody testing. WTF is antibody testing? Is it rapid or slow? Does she need to lay off the whiskey for 24 hours before the test? The next page has all sorts of local services, such as condoms and pregnant woman mosquito advice. I'm thinking if you used condoms, you wouldn't be needing the mosquito advice (unless mosquitos can bite through condoms - this is just more shit we're expected to know). 

So it's 9am and there is a 2 mile line of old ladies and hypochondriacs (and old lady hypochondriacs). They're signing up, talking about their kids, and complaining that it's taking so long and why aren't they serving sandwiches. It's a self-service test, so now the line is 4 miles (8 miles with social distancing). Most of the old ladies are wearing masks that don't cover their noses, so if you don't have the Flying AIDS when you get there, you'll have it by the time you get home. 

This just goes to show that masks and testing are irrelevant.

 Let's Visit the North Pole

Santa Claus and his old lady - Cheech and Chong

So it's 2020, the Flying AIDS has hit the North Pole, and the elves are getting a little itchy. A particularly ugly elf from Portland Antifa came to visit. After a week, the rest of the elves were talking about unionizing, then tried to burn down the workshop, before issuing their demands

• Santa declared the oppressor, his assets go to the elves
• if they see 1 more candy cane, the building goes up
• the Fat Guy has to pay overtime even when they don't work
• Mrs Claus can no longer visit the production floor: that woman is like Yoko
• more elves of color
• special dorms for LGBTQ* elves
• gambling counselors for the reindeer
• Mrs Claus must confine her pole dancing to the bedroom
• Black Lives Matter wrapping paper on all gifts
• no more Mariah Carey specials from the Pole
• a non-gendered Santa

Meanwhile, Santa got some new electronic devices to watch you so he knows if you've been good or bad. It's hush-hush stuff from the NSA and uses a lot of AI. More cannot be said due to Non-Disclosure Agreements. The sleigh got some new guts, courtesy of the aliens, and runs on batteries from Elon Musk. Santa said all in all, the aliens were ok, but Elon Musk scared him. 

Rudolph was replaced with an off-the-shelf GPS and has spent the last year in therapy, after the 'guiding the commercial airliners to Somalia' incident. Although the drug companies can produce a Flying AIDS vaccine in 10 months, they can't get reindeer antidepressant right after 10 years.

The North Pole City Council smoked a lot of dope and hasn't been dealing with the occupation situation well. There might be a slight delay in Christmas this year, kids. Look on the bright side - they're not using the US Postal Service to deliver the presents.

• Overheard at (illegal) family gathering: Why do I have a planter attached to me?

Let's smile a bit. Please.

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore - a bit of a chat, the Frog and Peach

Groucho Marx - I'm against it

Monty Python - Biggus Dickus, French taunting

some Airplane

In closing, I give you the words of Bob Dylan: Once upon a time you dressed so fine threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't yewwww? 

No, I never understood Bob Dylan either - I'm just a dumb guitar player.

Carpet Flavored Coffee and the Search for the Perfect Anvil

HAPPY WHATEVER

May the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with his noodly appendage.

 Your love is like  hot buttered used motor oil

Happy Solstice. It's the beginning of winter, known and hated by most. Winter showed up determined to make its presence known, with very low temperatures and easier-to-find Carnation chocolate malt powder.

For some reason, known only to someone, I got to drive my own new car. How was I supposed to know you press the brake before it'll start? The UltraBrite<tm> display said I should probably start the car or it would eat up the battery and the neighbors would all laugh at me (again). It seems you can do anything you want via the display, except what you want to do at that moment. Also, no tv. But who needs tv when you can drive down the road with the UltraBrite<tm> display 'talking' to you. What would have been nice to talk to was the mirror adjust. Every little knob and button in the car is lit, except the mirror control. 

Eventually I got it drivable, preferring to leave the seat adjusted for Mrs lefty. Gallantry comes with a price, and when I got out of the car, my lumbar region was over my head. It was not as funny as it looked... it was hilarious. I remember an older Lincoln commercial where the seats had presets(!), so 2 people could set it for their preference and not PISS OFF the other one. The center console had lots of buttons and stuff, none that seemed useful while driving. I am going to trust the designers of the UltraBrite<tm> display and that it's not distracting to drive with several floodlights in your eyes at night. Even if I crash, I can take solace in knowing what song is playing, what album it's from, and that I accepted the legalese I have to accept before I put the car in gear. Every time that displays, Sherman Mitnick, Esq., gets $0.57. Sherman's South Dakota firm came up with the paragraphs, that mean nothing, but you're required to agree to before you drive. Stop and read it some time... you agree to give your firstborn to the car company. In many cases, this is a perk of ownership, especially when you watch the true murder shows where the firstborn slaughters the entire family for the insurance money, but gets caught when he accidentally shoots himself and runs out of gas.

No matter how much Bluetooth pairing I did, I could not make my phone start the car from inside the house. This is a definite negative, in spite of the Butt Warmers. There are 3 levels of Butt Warmer: warm, mmmmm hot, and 3rd degree ass burn. There are Asshole Detectors: little lights on the mirrors that light up when there's an asshole driver near you. They stayed on the entire trip.

We're trying to keep the dog out for as long as we can, and enjoy not having mud on our asses when we arrive (we're known for that anyway). Sometimes we arrive at our destination and hear "Hey lefty, why is there no mud on your ass?" It really freaks out new people.

Before every plane flight, the pilot walks around the plane, to make sure everything's in order, and the 2 big wings are still there. It's better to find this out before you start moving than on the runway.... Southwest 757, uh, you're a little short wings, over. So I got out my imaginary clipboard (it's blue) and did a quick trip about the car: Tires - 4 - check. Body - 1 - check. Drink holders - 2 - check. Ready for takeoff.  Like some pilots, I had my alcoholic beverage coffee all ready to go. This particular plane, when I put it in reverse, killed my music and tried to show me video. It was the most boring clip I had ever seen... it looked like something one would see if they were in the trunk, with the lid up a little. Of course this is impossible - I make sure to shut the trunk if anybody's in there. 

The car rode damn fine, even with the banging of the bodies cargo in the trunk. I felt like I was driving a luxury car, which generally means it's over 20 years old. Aside from a few errant pedestrians, the ride was free of bumps. The most bizarre part of the entire new car experience was the family member concerned about the size of the trunk. We stopped asking why a long time ago and send her a picture with Mrs lefty posing in the trunk. Yes, it's roomy. 

In spite of the fact that it is a 'dumb' car, it greets Mrs lefty every time she gets into it. This was a bit of a shock when I got in... it asked me where she was. This bothered me more than usual because the car has no speech function.  It's like dogs: they're hers within a day. Meh- I'm not complaining.. she's a keeper. Mrs lefty too.

Today I identify as meat

Things We Like To Hear Around the Holidays 

the neighbors singing "I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus"

Single girls, single girls

Going all the way

Oh what fun they are to ride

At the end of shopping day - hey!

And "The Little Jewish Boy"

I'm Hasidic, baruch ata tah

First there was PONG. It was a console you hooked up to your tv, or rather you had your kids hook up to your tv. With a little line, you PONGed a ball back and forth, kinda like tennis, but without the screaming at the judge. It competed with Go Fish for the most boring game ever. Mind you it cost a lot of money. Then you went to arcades to play PONG (and Frogger), depleting the nation's supply of quarters, as well as your allowance for the week (and next week).

Games got better. Resolution got higher. They got more realistic and did more.  You played on your computer instead of the tv. You raced cars on what looked like a real track. You ran people over and stole cars. The game ran much faster than you did. The only thing you were missing was the $5,500 arcade game that you'd routinely physically abuse. You lost your desire to abuse the game when it was on your computer, or else you bought a lot of controllers. 

Years passed and you (allegedly) grew up. Now you can buy a small or medium sized arcade game console. You can choose to play PONG or Frogger. What goes around comes around. You give it to your nephew, he laughs behind your back, then his father plays with it. What goes around comes around. 

• Best headline: Improving Windows' quality by making it not boot

The Vatican says the vaccine is morally acceptable.

Apparently so is child molestation.

The Moderna vaccine has been approved.

The differences between this and the Pfizer vaccine are slim, but here is what we know so far: instead of your right arm, your left arm falls off. It makes your nipples permanently hard but kills your sex drive. Instead of not being able to sue Pfizer, you're not able to sue Moderna. Your toenails will turn green, then rainbow, in support of Black Lives Matter. 

A growing number of lawmakers are declining an early shot. Some claim they're waiting for frontline people to get theirs first. The rest of the cowards are getting theirs due to Continuity of Government plans. Continuity of Government is a concept by which American citizens get killed, but government has special procedures and hideouts so government can continue in the event of something terrible.

You're probably asking yourself if there's any different, good news, now that we've all had it with the Flying AIDS. Well hold onto your hats - the scientist who helped discover Ebola says a much deadlier virus is eventually on its way.

It's very interesting to see what is purchased during the Flying AIDS lockdown. Sexbots are coming. I told you, ladies, you'd better start being nicer to men.

• I hear there are a lot more cybersecurity jobs available.

Dear lefty 

• What do you want for xmas?
• peace, man. the Non-Aggression Principle. the Constitution. a 1950s left handed Stratocaster.
• What are you getting for xmas?
• a car payment 

• Peter Jackson (some movies) is putting together a different view on the Beatles'  'Let it Be'. It won't be out til 2021 but check out the montage.
• John Lennon would have been 80 this year. 80.

I get bored easily. I have a big mouth. As a result, I like to push things.

At my first real job, I got my coworker to take her shirt off so I could see her in her bra. She said it was no big deal. I have perfected raising one eyebrow, ala Spock, occasionally adding a 'fascinating'. She also couldn't see the point of sex- it didn't do much for her. One of my greatest failures was not being able to get her to let me practice on her, to see if I could bring more joy to the act. It was one of many unselfish acts I proposed.

At the Twilight Zone<tm>, I got a coworker to stand still so we could shoot gummy bears down her shirt. Come to think of it, it might have been more her idea than mine. All I wanted was to be a gummy bear (or to retrieve them). God, I miss those days. Mostly I miss the coworker.

We had another coworker that agreed to gummys down the shirt, but he lacked a few of the necessary parts to play the game properly.

This is why I don't babysit. Well, that and I don't like children.

My current place of employment has no fun like that. The lone female in my group has 15 years and 150 pounds on me, plus we never see each other. It's a blessing that my coworkers don't see me. We also have one who's a dead ringer for Predator and I'm not asking him to play the gummy game. I suspect one of my coworkers has another job that he does while allegedly doing ours. Other team members occasionally have to be awakened, leading to the question 'what do they DO while working?' Some of these people have all the speed and ability of government workers, without the healthcare plans. I get a lot of credit for getting things done. Little do they know I'm off napping and it's the dog. Another guy is completely immersed in taking selfies. He changes his picture every week and is usually busy banging his (or someone's) wife. Because I'm a little more awake than the others and occasionally answer questions, I've become the go-to guy. I spent 10 years trying to avoid this at the last place.  It's like a curse: you've been found Competent, therefore you're stuck with it forever. You know what happens to people found Competent in tech? They're promoted to Manglement. Because if you're good in tech, you must be good at managing people. I still wake up screaming from the last time this happened.

• Youtube banned any videos having anything to do with election fraud. Whether there was or wasn't... banning?
• If there was fraud, it's a public service.
• If there was no fraud, it would just show how stupid the uploaders are. Nothing to lose, Youtube. Unless there's an agenda....

2 people and their service puppy opened a Delta jet cabin door before takeoff, and took the slide down. They realized The Masked Furry was on and they had forgotten to set their DVR. The police were going to take them into custody, but let them go after everybody in the plane beat the crap out of them for causing a 9 hour delay. An Airbus A321 carries 191 people, each one had their whacks at the 2 Furry Watchers. When it was over, their service puppy peed on them.

• I remember growing up and what it was like to be a child at this wondrous time of year. On Christmas eve, we'd all gather around the tree until one of us figured out there was no Christmas tree. Weird parents are a bitch.

The news is outta hand with stories of Russian hacking of our high government departments. Can you imagine what would happen if the Russians hacked your network?

• uTorrent operations, downloading the latest movies, generating complaint emails threatening to sue
• a few teammates downloading Johnny's pr0n stash of coworkers, taken from when people asked him to copy pictures from their phones to the network
• 127 petabytes of mp3s and cat pictures
• a very small amount of what your company actually does 
• It turns out this is even better than antivirus, because the hackers get so bored looking for anything of value, they give up and go elsewhere.

Microsoft says the Russians were not the first to hack SolarWinds but doesn't name names. President Trump agrees, naming Switzerland.

I tried SolarWinds a long time ago. It was a real pig. That aside, it's time to get SolarWinds servers back to a blank state and install something else. SolarWinds was warned about this at least a year ago, plus the Russians weren't the only ones in there.

On the other hand, the hacking has done a lot for world relations: nation-states get to sit in our important servers, pooling resources and getting along like never before.

• I washed my blanket. An entire dog came out of it. Penny was incredulous, stuck her nose into it, and vowed to start all over again.

December 21st, generally in most years, is the birthday of the great Frank Zappa.

The man managed to do what few ever did: wrote his own music and funded it. This was more incredible because it's not like the music got a lot of support on radio. Or much of anywhere else. The fans bought it. Zappa would pay the entire band to rehearse for a few weeks, then tour. He always got the best, because only the best could play his music. He was a ferocious and different guitar player, who sometimes put down his axe and literally led the band with his trusty baton. He was more than intelligent, to the point that he could hold his own with any interviewer and members of Congress.

We will never see another like him. Nobody puts that kind of wit on top of that kind of complexity, or instrumental complexity by itself. Fortunately we have a lot of audio and video he left behind. The movie put together by Alex Winter (Bill and Ted) is now available for viewing online. 

Mrs lefty refers to some of the instrumentals as Cartoon Music. It took a while, but I've come to really appreciate it. I don't understand classical music or composition, but he helped a lot. One of his biggest influences was Edgar Varese. If you listen to any Varese, you'll immediately understand. And Frank would just sit there at the piano and compose. It baffles me where his music came from. I wish I were half of Zappa. A quarter. His fans are rabid: some can tell you which show at the Tower Theater in Philly was better- early or late.

I was totally blown away when I first heard Billy the Mountain. The song was edited so it only took up one side on the album. It was a story from beginning to end and pretty funny/absurd. Songs just didn't take up half an album - even from Yes. The band included Flo&Eddie, aka The Turtles (Happy Together, which they did on the Live at the Fillmore 1970). To learn and perform 22-30+ minutes of song is ridiculously difficult, moreso to Zappa's specifications. 

[sigh]

More terrible news: guitar legend Leslie West's heart gave out and he's on a respirator.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Space Shuttle Curbside Pickup

as featured on nuts.com

Your love is like intestinal parasites

They're watching a show on how things are made, called How It's Made.

HIM: that's an interesting weld

HER: is he wearing corduroys?

HIM: Wow, that's a lot of work

HER: is that a girl or a boy?

HOST: There are 2 huge logs there. A coffin must go between them because it's the most logical thing. Well sure, whenever I see logs I think coffin. This used to get me in all sorts of trouble in the Boy Scouts.

Words To Go Away in 2021

Easy peasy, EPic, EV-er, game changer, covid, cauliflower

Today I identtify as  road salt

Something's up. Sometimes you gotta be pretty observant to catch things and this time I'm on it. I'm usually pretty oblivious, but I smell something.... there are Christmas decorations in view and it's not even Christmas yet. Santas and snowmen. Why would decorations appear when normal people put them up? I'm particularly fond of the decapitated Santa and if asked to fix it, I'll claim I can't. Yeah, something's up. Next thing you know there will be a tree....

Flying AIDS News

REVEALED: Every single US state is being advised to consider ethnic minorities as critical groups for vaccination with HALF prioritizing black and Hispanic residents over white.    

The military leader of Operation Warp Speed, Gen. Gustave Perna, said Saturday that he takes sole responsibility for last week’s confusion over the allotment of the Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine to states...   the military leader?  

Muslims are concerned over the halal status of the vaccine.   Ok, don't get it.

 A record 621 people died of drug overdoses in San Francisco so far this year, a staggering number that far outpaces the 173 deaths from COVID-19 the city has seen thus far.    If Narcan cured the Flying AIDS, we'd be in great shape!

Chaotic scenes as Londoners try to escape the city before midnight lockdown. Police deployed to prevent non-essential journeys.   Restriction of movement... enforced by police.  If it's in London, it's on its way to the US.

Watch out... the republicans and democrats have agreed on something.... this is never good. Whenever they agree, it's going to cost you dearly. This time it's a $900 billion stimulus. Your children and grandchildren will pay for this, with no one to bail them out.

President-elect Biden was given the vaccine today. They told him it was a Special Presidential Shot and gave him a lollipop.

My mom's health aide just got diagnosed with the Flying AIDS.

Mom's doctor hasn't seen fit to order a test. I suspect he printed his own diploma.

We're not sure if there will be another aide.

And I was there today.

Having trouble with last minute shopping? Too many people in your way? Can't get at the deals? Do I have the answer for you: COUGH. Sneeze. Blow your nose. I guarantee you a personal space radius of 55'.  You'll get right to the front of the checkout line and the stampede in the other direction will be good for a few laughs too.

The $900 billion package will send $600 to each adult in the household and $600 for each dependent, all earning below $75,000, and $150,000 for married couples. It will cost $166 billion. Workers would be eligible for $300 per week federal unemployment subsidy. Also rental assistance, child care providers, and Head Start program. The largest percentage. $325 billion, goes to small businesses. Don't forget broadband and banks that serve low-income and minority communities, because cable and banks contributed to Congress' campaigns. $15 billion to airline salaries and benefits. You elected these people.

The snow is slowly going away, no thanks to the clouds, which do their best daily to hide the sun. The miserable drizzle does something to help, but by the time it hits the snow/ice, it freezes because of the cold. If nothing else, it creates fun, watching people slide and fall on their asses. Ass injuries are up %54, according to a statistic I just made up, and vie for emergency room space formerly taken up by the Flying AIDS. So please take care of your ass, and hospitals can treat the Flying AIDS.

Dear lefty 

• Why do you do this week after week, year after year?
• because my wife tells me I'm funny... but she has to, or I'll start to chew the furniture and hump the neighbors garden gnomes...

The Russia hack has been declared an 'act of war.'

The NSA and CIA are putting together a retaliation strategy that includes

• bricking Putin's Bluetooth toothbrush
• with the help of Bill Gates, changing their Windows 10 to Chinese language
• sending over the Flying AIDS vaccine
• declaring Biden the winner of the last election- we'll tell him it's a free vacation
• sending planes full of Internet of Things devices
• sending Ron Jeremy 

I get nothing.

I am not a member of any loud minority group. Even if I identified as black, my shiny white visage would put a stop to that immediately.  I am so pale, there are many parts of my body that have never seen the sun.

I don't get preference, I don't get Free Stuff<tm>, I don't get to peacefully protest by burning down my own neighborhood (or anyone else's), I don't get to make demands of cities or countries. I don't get tests made more stupid because I can't pass them. I can't produce guilt in the majority to get what I want. I've never even blocked off a street to make my demands known.

Perhaps in a few years, CIS hetero white males will become a minority, then I can make demands and get hired for the lack of color in my skin. Maybe my graffiti will become city-sanctioned. Songs will be written about the plight of the crackers. College students will strike (like that's hard to instigate).

My ancestors came from Europe (I think), but that's not an accepted oppressed group. I'm sure at some point, at some time, someone oppressed and slaughtered them. 

I've been working really hard on the left handed thing, but can't get a drop of sympathy from the masses. At 10% of humanity, this means 90% of the world is against us - that should be enough to garner some notice. Nope. PARITY brothers and sisters!

I could bat for the other team, but that would put quite a crimp in my sex life. You see, I don't like men that way and I've got quite a thing for women (get it?).

Wait...it's starting to come to me.....  Black Latinx Trans Lesbians for Allah! We can meet in a synagogue, then burn it down in protest of our oppression. This is why I make the Big Bucks (and put out this award-winning blog)! 

• Very funny, Dear. She thought if she put a Fender logo on the vacuum, I'd use it more.

SJW Strokes 

The $54k per year posh Dalton school (K-12) has developed an anti-racist manifesto, including hiring of 12 full time diversity officers and psychologists to support students "coping with race-based traumatic stress" and abolishing high-level academic courses by 2023 if the performance of black students is not on par with non-blacks.

Readers:

It's almost Christmas. If you can, do something for people in your area who have been hit hard by the Flying AIDS. Donate to a fund or a church that's handing out aid. Help hand out aid. Help your friends on the block. Didn't Bill and Ted say "Be excellent to each other"?

Coffee Flavored Carpet

 As with anything coming from China, the recent Moon trip to collect rocks is not what it seems. While China did collect the rocks, they did so by hacking NASA and walking in the front door, relieving themselves of a long, drawn out, difficult Moon mission. 

There are early reports that the International Space Station has been hacked, possibly through Windows. The ISS has been ordering Chinese takeout for a week, despite GrubHub's insistence they do not deliver off-planet. None of the astronauts are aware of the orders, but claimed they'd go as far as shooting down anyone's satellite for 1 slice of pizza.

In other news, Russian hackers hit the US Nuclear Agency. They plan to gain control of it so they can bomb themselves.

Your love is like the sudden stop when driving your car off a bridge

• A new childs' book, in the tradition of Where's Waldo, challenges children to figure out what was wrong with Roald Dahl's parents.

As the result of a child at a school board meeting, Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, gave children a snow day. The idea is so completely goofy, it will be moments before colleges and universities go on strike, demanding their own snow day. Because colleges do not emphasize math, or common sense, the strike days will far outnumber a snow day.

Earlier this week, a team of researchers announced that they successfully teleported qubits of photons across approximately 27 miles of fiber-optic cable. 

We know I'm no quantum physicist, but isn't the idea that 2 bits are connected through space at any distance? Perhaps I should take up reading, instead of the socially significant hobby of putting this blog out.

Today I identify as  a high quality 250k potentiometer in a Fender Stratocaster - none of this offshore miniature crap.

In the continued march of Science, biomarker of Alzheimer's found to be regulated by sleep cycles. 

Uh-oh 

In 2020 alone, Alzheimer's was found to be affected by:

• aluminum
• sleep cycles
• sense of humor
• sarcasm
• thickness of nasal hair
• how large a person you'll insult
• the amount of Scientific Drinking done by the researchers

In January, the WHO will be in China to probe the origins of the Flying AIDS.

China has announced that the WHO did not find anything indicating the virus originated there.

• Militants released hundreds of kidnapped children in Nigeria, after realizing they only kidnapped the boys. Vatican signals interest in the case.

A new 1Password survey on password use and online security in family life finds more than half (51%) of parents who work from home (WFH) say their children have accessed their work accounts.

It's not that we will never learn, it's that we actively refuse to learn. 

• The Government Accounting Office today looked around, cried, and went home.

Somebody recommended a podcast and I went to listen.

Nowhere on the page was a warning that the 'caster is a SCOT.

Podcasts, unlike tv, do not come with closed captioning.

Penny came from Florida and had never seen snow til 2 years ago.

Like us, she's not all that fond of it, kind of hopping up and down to get through it. I'm not positive but I think I heard her on the computer last night, looking up plane fares to Florida.

• Cellphone data suggests Bay Area not as compliant with new shutdown as it was in the spring
• aw shucks, you don't even have to volunteer to be tracked.... at this point, you might as well turn your phone off when you leave the house.
• Also, the DHS is working on facial recognition with masks. Perhaps we should start wearing masks with mustaches and glasses. There were volunteers for this testing....

Guitar Center has come to its alleged senses and only sends me 2 emails every day. There is no more begging, very few 29% off emails, and they're not stalking me anymore (I hope). I'm sure that van that says Electruck Compinny is completely legit. In fact, tonight I'll test the theory by running a 400v banana up its tailpipe.

Ya know, I haven't said anything about UFOs for a while.

For your reading enjoyment, I will continue not to.

Other than it's the 40th anniversary of Rendlesham, in England, at a military base. One of the best cases documented.

That is all.

Illegal winery busted at Alabama sewage plant

Y'all got maw of that Summer Yellow blend?

I sho am fond of that there Alabama Brown.

Hey, this red has a bicycle in it!

What's in the Mystery Box?

Another oft-forgotten part of the Not Getting Things You Ordered is the unspoken amount of time it takes to put the item in a box and ship it out. I just got notice that the item I ordered has just shipped. The item I ordered last week. So it took 7 days to physically pick up the item, put it in any old small box, put a label on it, and wait for the pickup guy? I see you overcame all obstacles to accepting my payment.

Was there an indian attack? Did a ring of fire set by satanists prevent you from getting close? Near-fatal hangnail? Was the USPS guy in the hospital from too much meth? Aliens extracting bodily fluids? North Korea call you names? 7 days to stuff the whole t-shirt into that little envelope? Biker gang? Chinese New Year? I know - the Russians hacked into your computer, delaying only my transaction.

My feedback on sellers is going to be very interesting this month.

I bought a really cool guitar pedal. This is the package that showed up 2 days past its guaranteed arrival date. Everything was in order, there was a cute little instruction manual, which I tossed aside, and I played with the pedal. It was largely self-explanatory. Just for fun, I got out the manual to see if I missed anything, and wasn't I surprised - it was a catalog. How was I supposed to know there were switches inside the pedal and maybe what they were for? I'm a guitar player - we're stereotypically dumb, so we need all the help we can get. That's why they call them hidden features - they're hidden from the user.

Flying AIDS Hits Home? 

My mom's health aide just let her know that her dad was diagnosed with the Flying AIDS. My mom's idiot doctor said not to get her tested unless she shows any symptoms. So aside from being down 1 health aide and being exposed to the Flying AIDS, it's been a quiet week.

The FDA is investigating allergic reactions to the vaccine, reported in 5 states.

“I think we have at this point the right ... mitigation strategy with the availability of treatment for a severe allergic reaction being at the ready, and we’ll continue to monitor it very closely,” he added.

The CDC is investigating the FDA's investigation and Pfizer said there will be no official statement until they figure out what the FDA meant by that.

At a hospital in Chicago, vaccines on staff were halted after tingling and elevated heart rate. The 4 staff members are out of ICU and their families have stopped making funeral arrangements, so vaccines will resume Sunday.

The Equal Opportunity Commission said employers can require employees to get the shot or not be allowed to enter the workplace. The US Geological Agency said that employees cannot be fired for refusing to get the shot. The IRS said if they pass out from the shot, they can have 30 minutes off.

Panama's health minister ordered men and women to shop on different days to curb the spread of the Flying AIDS. The minister explained that when men and women shop, their hormones go crazy, and all of the sudden, they're having sex in the aisles, spreading the virus. 30 minutes after his announcement, the minister promised never to make announcements after margaritas.