Whatever Just Happened, I Didn't See it, That's for Sure

 Your love is like  a zip tie you can't get off

I seem to be late in posting. Apologies.

Today I identify as  Area 53 - so secret, even Area 52 doesn't know about it

Neighborhood Noise 

So we know there were HUGE construction trucks, ripping up the street and making noise for fun. We know that every day, some neighbor runs a mower or a construction project, or builds a radiation-proof, 6 story down bunker. It only happens during work hours. I believe they're moving a train station next door.

Aside from being ugly, which I can't control, I try to be courteous to my neighbors, but the noise is getting to me. I think some of these people mow twice a day.  

We had to get some branches removed and I got all excited because it would be ME making all the noise for once. But nooooooo..... they were so quiet, I didn't even know they were on the job for an hour or two. Down but not out, I asked them to bring out that chipper machine. If the trees going through it didn't make enough noise, I'd 'borrow' some steel from one of the construction projects and run THAT through the chipper. Of course it never occurred to me that I could probably out-loud most noises with one of my amplifiers. I just have to figure out which noise is more grating: chipping steel or my playing.

• Social Media is having a local fit over Steak 48 restaurant, which opened in Philly. Apparently there's a $100 minimum and strict dress code. There is absolutely no end to the whining. 
• Don't like the minimum or dress code? Don't go. Wasn't that simple? There are restaurants all over the world with dress codes and minimums. Why is it a problem all of the sudden?

In other exciting Philly news, a Chester County gym coach faces child pr0n charges. What does he think he is - a priest? But seriously, these people are sick and there is no cure. They deserve the most serious penalty the law has to offer.

Pennsylvania will lift its breathing arrestor mandate on June 28 or when there is a 70% vaccine rate. The mandate that never should have gone into effect, Idiot Governor, along with the closings.

• the co-founder of Black Lives Matter, Patrisse Cullors, resigned.
• she wants you to know it has been planned for a year, and has nothing at all, NOTHING at all, to do with her four multi-million dollar houses or accusations of misusing donations

I'm getting depressed, because we're coming to the end of Asian American Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Work put together a poll for which minority gets next month. I have $25 on Illegal Alien History Month.

Still no Left Handed History Month.

• a New York Times reporter who specializes in Flying AIDS coverage tweeted that it was "racist" to even talk about the Wuhan lab leak theory

speaking of NYT.....

• U.S. Intel Sitting on Large Amount of Evidence Concerning Lab Leak Theory

If you posted this on social media last week, you'd be thrown off 

Scientists hunt for 'Patient Su' woman who could be mystery 'Covid patient zero'

The revelations come after British officials conceded this week that the possibility of a lab leak remains "plausible" - with mysterious "Patient Su" appearing to have been traced close to the Wuhan Institute

I hurt myself. No, not on purpose.

I made the mistake of sitting up in bed. Without so much as a POP, I was in pain.

I used to think you had to do something really serious to hurt your back... like lifting more than you should. I also used to think the little people in the tv stayed there when I turned it off and continued when I turned it back on.

I remember reaching up to adjust a shower head once... 2 weeks of pain.

I woke up the next morning, hit the floor, and screamed. The pain had gotten worse and it didn't seem wise to try to stand.... kinda like sitting on the couch. I walked like a 98 year old man. The third day it only hurt a lot. I was shoveling ibuprofen like caramel M&Ms. 

It's a three-day weekend, so in spite of injuries, nothing will get done. On normal two-day weekends, stuff gets done. If I have a third day, everything falls apart. It's the Principle of Additional Day Work Reduction via Confusion. 

I haven't had the heart to pick up the vacuum after last week's debacle. Simply rearranging the dirt just doesn't appeal to me. The funny thing was that it was picking up some dirt, but none of it was appearing in the dirt canister. I have a theory (uh-oh). This particular vacuum is different from all the others: it picks up the dirt, then sends it to an alternate dimension. This would be ok if it sent all the dirt, but it doesn't. It also makes me wonder about the alternate dimension. What must it be like? Is it only a dimension of vacuumed-up stuff or is it like ours? Is there a family sitting down to dinner, when a hole opens up and a ton of dust and dog hair comes through, onto their food? I guess it would be ok if they liked to eat dust and dog hair, or liked it falling on them, but this kind of thing keeps me awake at night. I'd hate to be the cause of Appearing Detritus if it was unwanted. Most of the detritus is reddish, which means it's the dog. It was easier if she were black, like all the others.  In my futile attempts to make sure the vacuum is free of clogs, I take it all apart and put the clogs in a pile. By the time I'm done, it looks like I'm building another dog. And there is still no dirt in the dirt canister. Mrs. lefty helps me with the tools... I have long screwdrivers, and one of those things they use in surgery: "Scalpel. Clamps. Wipe." It's like locking scissors but they're not long enough. They're particularly professional-looking and I hope they scare the clogs out, but no. I could do a vacuuming blog, but I suspect it would not be too popular.

Mrs. lefty keeps telling me I don't listen. Of course not, I'm a husband. 

We have a polite disagreement over the entire process of vacuuming. I feel you should turn on the vacuum and go until the dispenser is full or til you're done. I consider this position rational, unlike most of my other positions.

Mrs. lefty is of the opinion that one must (wait for it....) pre-vacuum, to get the dirt up before you vacuum. She looks at me like I've grown a few additional heads and talks to me like a 5 year old. She thinks I just don't understand and keeps telling me one doesn't simply vacuum. 

This is against most principles I hold dear, especially the one about not doing work twice. If I'm not fond of vacuuming, why would I want to do it twice? It's like mowing the $(#&@ lawn twice. My scientific (alleged) brain cannot comprehend why one would have to vacuum twice. All my life I've vacuumed once and everything was fine. Vacuuming twice never entered my mind, which is too occupied with satire, parody, and sarcasm, so there's little room for anything else. I couldn't even make up vacuuming twice. I had relatives who had a cleaning service. They would clean before the service arrived. Maybe they were distantly related to Mrs. lefty. If so, we have a case of distant incest, I think.

I'm smart enough to pick up stuff that won't be picked up or will hurt the vacuum, like huge balls of stuffing the dog ripped out of her stuffed animals, large pieces of titanium, various engines (8 cylinder only), and coins. Are you confused yet? I am. I cannot understand why there are always coins on the floor. Mathematically speaking, I don't put them there and the dog has no interest in them, so there's only one person left. She claims to have no idea how they get there. So either someone's in denial, or a hole opens in the air and coins fall out onto the floor. I would be more in favor of this if hundreds fell from the vortex, but I have no say. The problem is that I have to pick them up, which isn't working today because I hurt myself and bending is a no-no, unless I wanted to hang out in the emergency room for twelve hours or test the limits of my sick time. Hopefully a bad back will get me out of vacuuming for a day or so.

• American and Southwest Airlines will not be serving alcohol, due to passenger violence
• will hand out Xanax instead 

The future will be livestreamed 

Instagram star kills himself in livestream in police chase after tying up and abusing girlfriend

Everybody has their 15 minutes, then burns out in a livestream  

Traffic Jams on Mars

 Your love is like  "War and Peace" in one evening

The good news: China's Mars Rover is now operational

The bad news: it is causing a horrible traffic jam because it goes way under the speed limit and frequently stops for no apparent reason. The US Rover has lodged a formal protest.

If you're a drug dealer in Liverpool, using the EncroChat program, stay away from Stilton cheese. Fingerprints in a picture of Stilton were used to identify the dealer. If he had gone to Monty Python's cheese shop, this wouldn't have been a problem.

You get a better understanding of hierarchies when you look at something like facial recognition. It has proven racist, yet is still in use everywhere. Racist: yes. Surveillance State: yes. Surveillance State wins (every time).

• Texas legislators have passed a bill which would allow most people to carry concealed handguns without a permit.
• in other words, they have become Constitutional. You were guaranteed the right to keep and bear arms before the Constitution - the Second Amendment codified it. Gun control goes against #2A.
• next up: pets, cars, etc.

Anthony Fauci testified it would have been “almost a dereliction of our duty” if the National Institutes of Health had not worked with China to study coronaviruses as he defended NIH money going to fund “collaboration” with “very respectable Chinese scientists.”

Fauci and Francis Collins, the leader of the National Institutes of Health, are adamant in insisting that NIH did not fund "gain-of-function" research at the Wuhan lab. But Fauci and Collins also admit they don’t actually know what the secretive Chinese lab has been up to.

Ummmm......

Houston, I think we have a problem. And a candidate for nailing to a cross.

Watch how Congress works. Elon Musk's space company wins a NASA award. Then Congress funds a backdoor award for Jeff Bezos' space company. 

It's your money.

Walmart sent a ton of racist registration emails the other day.

"Welcome to Walmart, Ni**er"

Walmart naturally has no idea how the emails went out.

Well, the outside street ripping-up/noise project has moved away (I think). There has not been a peep since yesterday, when I finished work. If that ain't personal, what is? Per signs, there are no cars parked on the street. There were two down the block, but the construction guys drove up with one of those huge Magnet Trucks, stuck it to the car, and moved it to the owner's roof. The second one got attached to a different truck, which repeatedly dropped it on the ground. They discovered it didn't make nearly enough noise, so they went back to the original Noise Truck, which literally shook houses.

Meanwhile, my car, and everything else, is so covered by pollen, it looks bright green. My trashcans look bright green. If she sits in the yard too long, the dog looks bright green. My #1 guitar is a sickly shade of green, but it's supposed to be that way. I call it Pukeburst. It could be the ugliest stock guitar finish on the planet, which is how it captured my heart.

The picture is horrible and there's no light. The finish is horrible regardless.

If you lived through the 70s, or know somebody who did, the 2 colors are avocado green and harvest gold. Your appliances were one of these colors in the 70s. The actual name of the finish is antigua, but who wouldn't prefer Pukeburst?

Most everything else is black, because it is The Law. Amps and guitars. Black. If they were near windows, they'd be pollen green too.

I don't like to complain about summer weather, because it could be winter weather, which I despise. Where are spring and autumn? Idiot Governor had them banished, along with the state economy. They barely exist anyway. Gloom is about 300 days per year, all seasons. Humidity is deathly in the summer.  In the winter, we either get snow or no snow at all. The only reason we stay here is our favorite pizza place won't open a branch in the Southwest anywhere. One doesn't want to be stuck in the land of low humidity without one's favorite pizza. Low humidity is lovely, but you're not going to find it in the east. I have actually seen paper wilt in the summer, when it was 92 degrees with 92% humidity. If you go south, you get humidity and hurricanes that make the news.  I dunno about you, but I don't want to keep track of the next weird hurricane name.

I was just advised that Jeffrey Epstein's cell guards admitted they were sleeping instead of guarding.

So that's 2 lies.

SUPERVISOR: So how did Jeffrey Epstein wind up dead on our watch?

GUARD1: we were guarding, but the cameras went out for 5 minutes. Just like Lady Diana's, in that tunnel.

GUARD2: nah, be fair, we were napping. Epstein hung himself then slit his throat.

GUARD1: No, it's wasn't like that, I swear. We were napping and someone lifted the keys. 

GUARD2: Yeah, that's it. We sleep soundly, so they could have stolen an entire desk and we would've slept through it.

GUARD1: Yeah, they stole the keys and gave Epstein a heart attack, THEN he strangled himself.

SUPERVISOR: there wasn't anything in his cell to strangle himself with.

GUARD1: about that.....

GUARD2: we might have forgot and left a bunch of belts and tubing in a box, next to his bunk.

GUARD1: Oh yeah, the Suicide Box. I think it had blades too. Maybe some pills.

SUPERVISOR: you idiots! Why was the Suicide Box in Epstein's cell?

GUARD2: Uhhh... napping again, Sir.

SUPERVISOR: You guys sure nap a lot.

GUARD1: That's not true. We only nap at work.

SUPERVISOR: Is there anything else... any other tiny detail you might have forgotten?

GUARD1: Well... the unlocked medicine box

GUARD2: and the gun cabinet

GUARD1: the open cell doors

GUARD2: the visitors

SUPERVISOR: What visitors?

GUARD2: Any visitors.

GUARD1: Yeah, we don't discriminate. We're not that kind of prison.

SUPERVISOR: So anybody could walk in, grab some pills, pick up a gun, get some strangling tools, and walk into any cell they want.

GUARD1: Yeah, that's about it.

GUARD2: Phew... it's a good thing we didn't put Epstein at any risk.

GUARD1: Yeah, that woulda been really bad.

Idiots in Space! 

Discovery TV is setting up a reality show for the International Space Station

It was inevitable. It turns out the US is not conquering space for military superiority - it's for more reality tv shows. Can you imagine the one on Mars? Here are some topics for the ISS:

• these are my dirty diapers from liftoff
• I think Betty got a better seat than me - NASA likes her best
• we wanted to do it in a closet, but there are no closets
• can't I get some privacy up in this jawn?
• the pilot is racist because I saw some stuff he posted 20 years ago on a bulletin board
• NOW I find out there are no facilities for trans women...
• I want the camera exclusively on me, but it keeps flying away

Half of US adults are vaccinated against the Flying AIDS

I'm stunned. It's a shame half of US adults don't show their disapproval in the voting booth.

• In a first, neutrinos were caught interacting at the Large Hadron Collector
• they were given a strict lecture and provided with condoms 

From the We Have Too Much Time on Our Hands and Think a Lot of Ourselves department: 

French films show far too much smoking, campaigners say.

Also too much mauve, too many Fords, and not enough sex 

Russia tried to spread dangerous lies about Pfizer vaccine, France suspects

that it worked?

Microsoft president: Orwell’s 1984 could happen in 2024

Sheer genius. Who's going to protect us from Microsoft?

He's only 15 years late....

• Scientists induced hallucinations in mice to learn more about human psychosis
• after the study, the mice kept following the scientists around, looking for more
• a secret study was done on people, with the most psychotic subjects going to Congress

the photographer is Linda Eastman, before she was Linda McCartney

Why is Your Car in that Hole?

 Your love is like  bad brown acid, circulating around the front

I'm not psychic, but I know I'm going to have some important phone conferences today. I know this because there's some sort of machinery on the street, ripping it up and doing repairs. I can't hear myself think. It's a great day, though... I'm trying to work, dog is barking at the machinery, and Wife is sitting on the step, waiting to tell the construction guys they're not doing it right.

The crew is doing a quarter of a block at one time, to keep the noise and aggravation up, as well as the salaries. I did not know there was equipment that could BANG on the ground and literally shake several houses on either side. It's like jumping up and down on a floor and everyone near you can feel it. Then there's the Slightly Limited Banger Machine, which makes more noise but doesn't shake houses. The men make between $35 and $75 an hour, with the upper numbers determined by skill. The $55 per hour guy (only one per job) is the guy who gives hand signals all day. No one knows why. The $65 per hour guy follows along with a clipboard. The $75 per hour guy is home in bed. Construction is fascinating.

They're putting in what looks like huge water pipes, but we know they're Shaker Pipes, so after they close everything up, the pipes will randomly shake and make noise, to bother the hell out of anyone working from home. The noise was so loud, the neighbors stopped mowing their lawns, because nobody could hear them. The suburbs get this automatic metal scraper, which scrapes across the street at random hours. I thought for sure we'd get one. Not to worry, the neighbors will find a way to compensate. Just when my house stopped shaking, rattling, and rolling, I got down on my knees and got thankful. Mrs. lefty said not to worry, this was their lunch break. When the noise stopped right out front, I was doubly thankful. Mrs. lefty, always a shining light of positivity, suggested I not be all that thankful - all they were doing is moving 25' down and starting again. 

A brief chat with the gents said they'd be cleared in a little while. They have to block everything off so no one will jump out in front of any construction trucks. After a recent spate of people getting creamed by trains because they were, for some reason, on the tracks, this lit me up like a Christmas tree. I would love to see people driving out in front of these trucks - especially the one with the 20' mangling blade. It would make "Saw" look like a limp penis. It would slice the car like bologna. Now that's entertainment.

The guys don't care, but Mrs. lefty and UPS/Fedex have worked out a deal, where her packages will be delivered to a house down the street, so she can get them later. There are at least 4 pairs of shoes and several squeezy tubes of Miracle Medicine from the BIN (Buy It Now) Network. One does not come between a woman and her deliveries.

• Happy 80th, Bob Dylan

a New Hampshire couple used 80 lbs of dynamite at a gender reveal party for their baby

911 gets frantic calls, hilarity ensues 

• the UK, famous for weird city names, has another: Stow-on-the-Wold, where a street's power had to be shut down to rescue a cat. It's in Gloucestershire, you know.
• Keen-eyed readers know that this isn't a rescue - it's the cat, testing how fast the rescue trucks respond

Regardless of how you feel about Ted Cruz, this is hysterical:

"Holy crap. Perhaps a woke, emasculated military is not the best idea,” Cruz writes in a tweet comparing a Russian military ad to a U.S. Army recruiting ad. The Russian ad features recruits shaving their heads and suiting up for a parachute mission, interspersed with shots of a bullet being loaded into a weapon. The American ad, posted earlier this month, is a sunny animated clip featuring a narrative voice over from a female soldier raised by two women explaining why she decided to join the US Army.

Today I identify as a 5 year old boy transitioning to a 6 year old girl because my insane parents said to. All I said was, "Girls have it better in school" and WHAM, I'm on hormones.

• 21 people died in a marathon in China
• nobody listens to me - exercise causes cancer and running is dangerous too

Crypto payments over $10,000 would be reported to IRS under Treasury plan

of course they would.... it's your money, so naturally they want it. They also want keys to decrypt payments 

• For those of you who were terrified by the changeover from Trump to Biden, it could've been worse...
• Samoa's first female prime minister was locked out of parliament by losing opponent

The IMF says $50 billion is needed to end the Flying AIDS pandemic in 2022.

Uhhh... yeah... right. If there is 'international' in the title, you should scrutinize anything they say.

2022? Place an EMERGENCY call to Fauci!

One of the amplifiers I'm looking for just came up for sale. At $5700, we've made a joint decision to let someone else buy it. The problem here, as I see it, is that I'm not rich.

Odd Plea from the guy who types this shit: if, heaven forbid, you or someone close loses a husband, please do not say "You're the man now," to his eldest male child.

How UFO sightings went from joke to national security worry in Washington

(Washington Post)

US submarines detect mysterious speeding crafts underwater ahead of Pentagon UFO report

(Express.co.uk)

Oh yeah, they're in the water too

'Tipping point': Suspense builds ahead of major Pentagon report on UFOs

(Washington Times)

President Biden starts his day by lifting weights

Nobody told him they were Snickers bars

This is a New Post - Just Like All the Old Posts

 Your love is like  sailing the yellow seas

In a non-peer-reviewed study, it was found that drinking any amount of alcohol causes damage to the brain.

Uh-oh 

Study voted most likely to never see the light of day. Sorry, Uncle Bob.

• CDC urges against kissing, snuggling poultry in salmonella warning
• gives a new meaning to Chicken Fscker 

Today I identify as certainly not a chicken fscker, that's for sure

Because it's been 23 hours since the last Important Flying AIDS Bulletin

Need for annual COVID shots may hinge on how many get vaccinated now, Fauci says

I think we need to do a study on Fauci. Perhaps he drinks waaaay too much, wakes up and says the first thing that comes to mind, then passes out for another 23 hours.   $400,000 federal salary, folks. 

• Philadelphia just dropped the outdoor mask mandate for vaccinated people
• you still have to wear a condom, in case you get lucky

Authorized penetration testers went to work on the 747. It took them a while, but they got into the entertainment system. The system is run by Microsoft NT4. The problem here is that NT4 hit End of Life in 2005. Many IT people have never seen NT4. I joke about rebooting the plane in midair, but this is ridiculous.  *this is the entertainment system only, and (in theory) is firewalled off from the plane's control systems.

Dating apps are teaming with the White House on vaccinated stickers

• It won't get hot if you didn't get your shot  
• Ain't no quickie if you didn't get your stickie
• No Pfizer, no pussy
• If you didn't get stuck, you ain't gonna....

It's great to see that stupidity knows no race or religion: anti-semitic violence explodes across the US

No one explodes over the national debt, spending, or outright theft.

Victoria's Secret Shopping with Mom 

I was dragged, kicking and screaming, out of the house. Not so much to see Mom, as discovering we were going to walk around a mall. This was a hobby before the Flying AIDS but I haven't been shopping since. I was not happy. This was sprung on me at the last minute, like being told I was going on a double blind date and mine weighed double my weight. I was not walking around with a breathing arrestor on - I was saving returning to shopping for the dropping of the breathing arrestor requirement. Have I mentioned I was not happy?

Right into the mall was a Victoria's Secret. In case you don't know what Victoria's secret it, it's how they get so many people to pay so much for so little. As we went to ward the store, I experienced only a slight panic, remembering I survived this once before. The only remaining shaking was coming from my wallet.

Mom wanted underwear. Fortunately Mrs. lefty was there to help. While Mrs. lefty looked for some panties, Mom looked too. So I'm not happy to be there, Mrs. lefty is looking for the correct panties for Mom, and Mom is picking up thongs. I heard something rip inside my head and it's going to put me back 12 years in therapy. The only thing I had to comfort me was that Mom had no idea what she was looking at. But still....

But let me say something positive: we were not molested by more than one Helpful Salesgirl.  Perhaps they finally realized that constant Helpful Salesgirl helping makes people want to rip off their faces. Or they lost a few Helpful Salesgirls to customers who ripped their faces off. Either way, it was a pleasant surprise. In every other store, we were not molested by anyone, because there was no staff. This was explained to me after I observed, loudly, that one and a half cashiers in a major store on a weekend didn't seem sufficient. They made up for it by being incredibly pleasant - loudly so. I was of the opinion that being loudly pleasant did not make up for having way too few cashiers. It turns out there's a nationwide labor shortage. Apparently you can walk into Lowes and interview on the spot. Most stores had Help Wanted signs. It seemed odd.

Naturally the stores had Breathing Arrestors Mandatory signs too. The Great Unwashed did their best to help by not wearing them, or wearing them incorrectly. And if you expected to see people social distance by 6', you have never stood in a checkout line. It was Virus Theater. But there were people in the mall, among the closed shops and new little booths.

Mrs. lefty sensed my relapse to childhood and told Mom they have to order the ones she wants online. They each grabbed and arm and got me out of there. They held on until I proved I could walk a relatively straight line and speak a few syllables without drooling out of one side of my mouth. I gotta tell ya, it was more difficult that those police drunk stop exercises. You expect me to walk a straight line, put one foot in front of the other, then remember what I'm supposed to be doing? I don't drink, but you can go ahead and haul my ass to jail. My phone carrier's store had closed. They were probably afraid I'd stop in, instead of doing my business online. Every time I check, I have a few more gigs of time that I'll never use. I call them, hoping to lower the price and they tell me I'm already at rock bottom and here's a few more gigs for you. If I could roll them over, I'd be using the phone for 2 years past WWIII and the earth being bombed out. 

Hungry, we went to Thank God There's a Restaurant. I noticed a sign that said Pennsylvania regulations state that they can only accommodate 50% of their restaurant. I grumbled. The nice hostess said there would be an hour wait. I said, "No there won't," and walked out the door.  Impeach Wolf. Idiot Governor. Businesses are going under because this politician has decided to play Nanny State. We are old enough to make our own decisions.

We found another restaurant. There was a tiny section that wasn't being used... I guess that was their 50%. There was no social distancing and let's face it - no diners had Breathing Arrestors on. Virus Theater. Mrs. lefty got a frozen strawberry margarita. If you did so much as smell it, you would be over the legal limit to drive.  Everybody sing: TEQUILA!

Just so I didn't feel it wasn't a normal day, I got home and ran the vacuum, which moved the dirt around, as usual. I really do try to explain to it that it's supposed to SUCK up the dirt, but it continues to taunt me so. I had to put it away because if I kept going, I'd explain it louder and louder and 9-1-1 would have to explain to the callers that it was only me, trying to vacuum again, and not Judgment Day, with a really pissed off Lord. The dog, bless her, is a sharing creature. She got hold of a candy bar wrapper, shredded it, then shared it with the carpet.

I swear to you, the moment Guitar Center drops the breathing arrestor requirement, I'll be in those doors like a shot. They miss me. I get emails and postcards from them daily. Plus there are a few shoe stores on the verge of bankruptcy because Mrs. lefty hasn't been there in over a year. When she walks into the stores, they all yell, "Mrs. lefty," like they yelled NORM on Cheers.

• headline: Dogs 97% effective in detecting the Flying AIDS in human sweat
• Penny is 100% effective in detecting Pupperoni

Do you realize what flying is going to be like? It will be a veritable SPCA, only you can't play with the animals. First will be the Flying AIDS dogs, then the money dogs, then the drug dogs.

Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey has signed a bill to allow public schools to offer yoga, ending a ban that stood for nearly 30 years. Christian conservatives who back the ban said yoga would open the door for people to be converted to Hinduism. But they still aren't allowed to say namaste.

Ah yes, Christian conservatives... doing whatever is necessary to take the fun out of life, because it might offend Jesus. Jesus needs to swat them upside the head and explain some stuff to them.

These are the worst, though. Yoga? Hinduism? These are the same people who insist on Christian prayer in schools. Hypocrites, no? These people have 2 eyes, like the rest of us - they just stare at each other all day.

• If they do Tai Chi, they might be converted to Asians
• if they read Harry Potter, they might be converted to SATAN
• if they say "Ola," they might be converted to Mexi-cans, tryin to get in illegally
• I know some kid who said "Shalom" and got converted into a Jew. Well, I don't actually know him, but my 3rd cousin's best friend's hairdresser does.

A man has been arrested due to an antisemitic assault outside of an L.A. sushi restaurant

This guy did a double shot: Asians and Jews!

A Las Vegas strip club is offering vaccines

If you show up before noon, you can also get a Chlamydia vaccine

"Bye Honey - I'm off to get my shot."

This, my friends, is capitalism at its best.

• The federal government puts out a ‘help wanted’ notice as Biden seeks to undo Trump cuts
• Government:  BIGGER! MORE! EXPENSIVE!

The Dog Snacks on Peanuts, the Service Elephant on Car Parts

 Your love is like  service elephant droppings

The Flying AIDS File

URGENT 

Shake-up reported at the CDC; two high-profile officials depart

But it's science - follow the science!

Before ruining millions of vaccines, Emergent failed inspections, raked in cash

When contract-manufacturer Emergent BioSolutions contaminated at least 15 million doses of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine and millions more doses of AstraZeneca’s vaccine at its Baltimore facility earlier this year, the company had been collecting monthly payments of $27 million from the US government—payments intended to help Emergent avoid just such a manufacturing disaster.

CDC Director Dr. Walensky says it's 'possible' COVID could have leaked 'from a lab' and House Intel GOP publishes report stating there is 'significant circumstantial evidence' virus escaped from Wuhan

Today I identify as  binary. The old concept of only one and zero. Since I'm a man, that must mean I'm a zero, because women (one) are far smarter, more clever beings (and can have multiple orgasms).

Google employees call for company to support Palestinians and protect anti-Zionist speech

SUPERVISOR: how is that cleanup of android code coming

EMPLOYEES: that's stalled

SUPERVISOR: why?

EMPLOYEES: most of us are working on the demands for diversity and equality

SUPERVISOR: how is that browser rewrite?

EMPLOYEES: what browser rewrite?

SUPERVISOR: the one you were specifically hired for

EMPLOYEES: oh, THAT rewrite. It's dead in the water

SUPERVISOR: I'm sure there's a very good reason, right?

EMPLOYEES: Yes, we're all demanding the company support Palestinians and protect anti-Zionist speech

SUPERVISOR: how's that search engine promotion rigging coming?

EMPLOYEES: that... oh.... that's behind about a year

SUPERVISOR: favor me with an explanation, please

EMPLOYEES: Yes - we're all demanding Three Musketeers candy bars be removed from the cafeteria

SUPERVISOR: there are starving third world nations, and everything in the cafeteria is free

EMPLOYEES: Three Musketeers' makers said, ten years ago, that people should come to work and actually work. We are outraged and demand an immediate hearing on this unfair labor process.

• Obama Says Government Doesn't Have Alien Specimens, But UFOs Are Real
• Obama wasn't read into the project

There's trouble at the Miss Universe pageant....

What is it - did somebody break a nail? No.

Did a heel fall off?

No - it's cyberbullying.

Miss Cambodia was told she was "too small"

Miss Barbados "often heard feedback that I didn't look quite Barbadian enough"

Miss US was said to be "not US enough"

Miss Black US "isn't black enough"

Miss Scandinavia was also "not black enough"

Not to be excluded, the SJWs objected to the exclusion of any of the 237 other genders

There was also a very large contingent of off-world binary beings and organisms protesting the lack of any non-terrestial contestants in the Miss Universe pageant, or the name should be changed to the Miss Earth pageant, to better represent the candidates. 

The pageant organizers are flummoxed and are considering renaming next year's shindig the "Miss Mute Planet pageant"

*this story was carried in an information security magazine  

• We're on a work conference and hear this loud background noise. The boss apologizes - he's having his windows replaced. I said, "YOU MEAN WE'RE GETTING RID OF WINDOWS?'"
• general amusement, but no such luck

There's this tremendously cool clock that we found.....kinda like this... it has an LED display and gives you the time, the day and date, and Morning/Noon/Evening. It's great for everyone, especially people who have trouble with time, like the dissociative and demented. We had to buy one for my mom (see Dementia page) and Mrs. lefty loves hers.

But time is..... fluid..... relative.... outta sight.

And when I say outta sight, I mean you can't see it.

And when I say you can't see it, I mean you literally can't see it.

The cool clock looked great in the common area, at least until it jettisoned some part or fell down behind the 350lb behemoth Furniture that Will Not be Moved. So that's one down.

We have clocks in the bedroom.

And when I say clocks in the bedroom, I say so in the literal sense.

When I started relying on my phone, I went to unplug my clock radio, and was told "DON'T." It was definitely a painless request I could accommodate. Unfortunately it just blinks the incorrect time.

There's another clock that does all sorts of wonderful stuff. Well, the box said it does wonderful stuff. All I see is it rotating colors, through the color scheme. 

It, too, has the wrong time.

If I forget my phone, I will have absolutely no idea what time it is in the bedroom. 

Oddly, Mrs. lefty knows.

No, really... one says 9:43pm and the other 2:01am, and she knows what time it is. The Guiness Book people called, but she doesn't want to be bothered.

This morning I hear "WHAT TIME IS IT?"  I answered because it would take too much time and cause too much head pain to ask why, with two incorrect clocks, she didn't know what time it was.

I couldn't resist and asked. "Because there was no clock in the bathroom."

What she meant was "there aren't two incorrect clocks in the bathroom."

There is an oven clock that only she can set. The problem being that it insists upon sitting squarely above the oven, in the kitchen. There's a microwave clock which has the same problem. There's a coffee maker clock, which has never been set correctly since it came out of the box. There are wall clocks, shelf clocks, and ceiling clocks. The TV will always give you the correct time. I even put one on the roof, just in case.

"Honey, what time is it?"

"Don't you have 17 clocks?"

"I was digging underneath the house and left my phone somewhere."

The US Post Office is spying on social media.

I'll bet even the White House janitorial service is spying on us.

You know.... if the post office stops spying, they can divert manpower to getting letters delivered (SHOCK). Maybe it won't take $2.50 and 37 days to get a letter from the next state over.

• I never went to college. You're probably wondering why (not really).
• My best friend told me they take a urine sample and if they don't find marijuana, they won't let you in. I thought it was because I couldn't pass the drinking exam.

I'm hungry.

I know this because my stomach is growling.

I don't know why, but my stomach has recently changed its growl. It makes some of the most odd and sometimes obscene noises. Sometimes it sounds like a cat. Sometimes it barks. This really flips the dog out and she barks back. It's funny until I'm in an important corporate meeting. If I'm in an important meeting, it impersonates my boss.

Coming from the Front to Get Behind

 Your love is like green soda

It might reach high 80s this week. That's the forecast anyway. Never mind that I had to use the heater this morning.

I suspect the nice old lady next door decided to ramp up the mowing to twice a day, just in case I had more than one phone meeting. It didn't quite drown out the voices in my own head, so I grimly suspect she got another lawn abuser, perhaps a weed wacker. The joke's on her, though, because she got an electric one and the gas ones are a lot louder.

We have a standing order to run a helicopter over the house, in case no one else made any noise that morning. I will have the loudest distraction the whole day. There is simply no one who can shoot himself in his own foot quite like me....

• The producers would like you to know "My 600lb life - Where are they now?" has been renamed "My 750lb Life"

Today I identify as  a 36C bra that's too small

One of the groups fighting the Flying AIDS is aerosol scientist.

This is a fairly new branch of science. There is very little information as to how to break into this exciting new field, but experts in some field or other say it's best to start with everyday spray cans. Hold it and feel the weight. Read the label but don't assign it too much importance. Most importantly, spray it. Spray it well. Spray it loudly and longly. Walk around with a science-type labcoat, preferrably with your, or someone else's, name on it. Look official but quizzical. When the can is done, pick up another can and repeat the progress, much to the chagrin of your family. If you don't have a family, maybe your dog will be chagrinned. Or your pet whale. If you don't have a family or a pet, one can be rented at a low cost. You can also rent-to-own (the pet, not the family. I don't think). 

• During the first atomic bomb test, quasicrystals formed, one called trinitite.
• Also formed was a really big hole, which feels bad because Science ignored it. Science is always going on about quasicrystals, atomic fission, and Milky Ways, but does it ever say anything about really big holes? No. Nor Three Musketeers. Science is definitely biased.

Amazon has made a $9 billion bid for MGM, which is in negotiations.

Not in negotiations yet is that Bezos wants to buy North America. He just feels it would be better if he owned most of his customers and the land under them. 

Speaking of which, Amazon will show warehouse workers meditation videos to reduce injuries

A spokesman, who prayed not to be identified, said, "We need to keep workman's comp stats down - this really has nothing to do with meditation. We can't meditate them too far down or they won't work as fast."

a group of millionaires marched around Jeff Bezos' New York place, in support of raising taxes for the mega-rich.

• In unrelated news, a group of high-ranking Catholic clergy marched around the Attorney General's office, demanding to be prosecuted for child molestation.
• a group of congressmen broke into Congress, demanding the end to their exemptions, and to be put on Obamacare
• Jeffrey Epstein's ghost marched around the prison, demanding to be charged as the animal he was

a lady from Nottingham, England, moved her office to her car and will continue to work there

Lady, if your perfectly serviceable house can't block out the noise but your car can, perhaps you should also investigate around back, by the trash cans, and the city dump.

• Irony: insurer AXA hit by ransomware after dropping support for ransom payments

Pentagon surveilling Americans without warrant, senator reveals

To make it universal, if the opportunity exists, they will take it. If they don't the easy way, they'll do it the hard way. If it's not immediately visible, that's because it's hidden behind shell corporations or private businesses. We are (have been) at the point where we have to assume every phone call, email, text, and some messengers are intercepted. No one is helping by posting their lives to Faceyspaces or agreeing that the gov't needs to be able to access encryption 'for the children.'

Scientists monitoring the ruins of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant in Ukraine have seen a surge in fission reactions in an inaccessible chamber within the complex.They are now investigating whether the problem will stabilise or require a dangerous and difficult intervention to prevent a runaway nuclear reaction.

• there is absolutely nothing to worry about
• nothing, not a thing
• we swear
• if you would like to volunteer to check, we will compensate your estate handsomely
• RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

Huawei phones can eavesdrop on Dutch mobile users.

In case you're wondering why Trump/whoever told Trump wanted Huawei hardware out of gov't networks, this is your answer. This is the only sane position. The hardware can 'phone home' or have a back door the user is unaware of. You can't have that in your phone OR network.

• Best Headline: French police demand better protection

HELP ME.... I'm being kept prisoner in this yard by a foul, dinner-making dragon. 

It insists I take twigs and put them in a bag. I am not cut out for this. I am a knowledge worker.

It keeps making jokes about me thinking manual labor is a Puerto Rican.

Yard tools have no keyboards or RAM.

It looks like it's taking pleasure from seeing me outside and working.

The CDC is now defending its mask ruling

But it's science, right?

and Fauci lied.

Russia's spy chief blames the West for the SolarWinds cyber-attack

• said it was 'capitalist tool'
• 'coincidence' that it used only their IP addresses
• if it were Russian, it would have been called something better, like 'Great Communist Solar Champion'
• suggested Trump was behind it, now that he had a little time on his hands

OMG, it's like manna from heaven.....  

Pigs can breathe oxygen through their rectum, so humans probably can too.

Humans can breathe oxygen through their rectums. Fire needs oxygen. Therefore we truly are flaming assholes.

This also explains a lot of things said in person and online.

I propose sealing up the mouth, for those who haven't figured how to talk out their ass.

We'll Have a Gay Old Time?

 Your love is like  an audience with a very unhappy Saddam Hussain

I'll bet you were so busy with your daily routine that you didn't know the Flying AIDS and Cancer were cured! They must have been: there are new iOS emojis and a Friends reunion.

Today I identify as  an old sunroof that leaks on everybody in the car

Bad business ideas: the pasta pillow

• In the You're Kidding department, a UN study indicates working a 55 hour week increases the risk of death
• Congress has taken this seriously and has shrunken its 45 day work year to 30

I just got done watching the 60 Minutes segment on UFO/UAPs. I was very interested to see what would be gone over, and perhaps, revealed. My immediate sense is that there was nothing new... however, it brought the current information to the public, who otherwise wouldn't investigate or care.  So I guess the purpose was to take away the giggle factor and continue to lay the groundwork for..... something.

Reminder: the effort to study UFO/UAPs is alleged to have started when Harry Reid got $22 million approved. In reality, we have been studying them since before 1947 at Roswell. The information is given to some agency, then disappears. The Harry Reid show is dog and pony. When we find out where years and years of information went, we'll know who has been studying it all along. The group is pretty well compartmented, when even the president and Congress can't get at it.

Continue to watch carefully and skeptically.

Remember MOVE, when a city literally bombed its residents and burned down the block?

Oops - remains marked for cremation were still around, from 1985, in cold storage. Philly's Medical Examiner office is very nervous.

• Eric Clapton lashed out at lockdown and vaccine propaganda, after his vaccine caused temporary paralysis of his hands and legs.

A self-driving taxi got stuck in traffic in Chandler, Arizona. When the service team showed up to repair it, it escaped and blocked a three-lane road. [Who wants to go to the doctor?] 

Told you so.

It's a great idea but it's Not Ready for Prime Time.

And the public is carrying a bullseye on its ass.

We can't let a week go by without more fascinating Tesla news. In this case, it's Tesla driver news. A man was arrested by the CHP for being in the back seat of his Tesla, with no one in the driver's seat. Shortly after being released from jail, he was pulled over for the same thing. Tesla is the modern day Darwin.

• US airlines may start weighing passengers at the gate.
• what could possibly go wrong?
• who could possibly be offended?
• stay tuned for the hilarity!

a Space Force lieutenant colonel was jettisoned after he made remarks critical of the US military on a conservative podcast. But at least we have those spiffy new uniforms.

• Acclaimed British author Richard Cohen's new book on historians is cancelled in the US amid backlash at him for 'not including enough black academics'
• Acclaimed British author Ignatz Dumbweezle's new book on the Apollo space program is cancelled in the US amid backlash at him for 'not including enough black astronauts.'  Dumbweezle tried to explain that the Apollo program didn't have a black astronaut, but they were having none of it.

In Montana, drug-sniffer dog Karma alerted 100% of the time. Some handlers refer to their dogs as "probable cause on four legs."  Local, state, and federal authorities have netted more than $68 billion in civil forfeiture, starting with a bad search. Think about that.

• Here's a nice nugget for your next party: did you know there is a Socialist Rifle Association?

The Microsoft board decided Bill Gates had to go because of a relationship with a staffer.

Still not punished for Windows 

• The most recent Saturday Night Live had the worst ratings ever (3.5 million)
• hmm.... why could that be?

Hugs are coming back. Not everyone is thrilled.

Why would they be? Huggers are the most annoying forms of life, aside from life insurance salesmen. Compulsive huggers should be forced to attend programs.

We all have a personal space radius - mine is 20' in all directions. Having this radius breached should set off loud alarms; so loud it stuns the attempted hugger back to reality and helps them realize not everyone wants their clammy paws all over them. Just because I exist isn't an excuse for you to touch me. I may agree to a handshake, which is a start. Perhaps you can hold out your hand to see if I go for a handshake, then ask if a hug would be ok. Better yet, just assume no one wants a hug and go from there. After you get out of jail for excessive hugging, you should be forced to wear a large sign (or tattoo), that says "WARNING: Hugger" so people can get a head start on you. If you even get invited to parties, you have the effect of chasing everybody around the room because they don't want to be hugged. What kind of mental defect do you have that tells you everyone wants a hug from you, and that a hug is somehow a good thing? Right next to your Free Hugs booth is my Shots Upside Your Head with a Sledgehammer booth. It's not free... people pay me $1 to hit you upside the head when you try to hug them.

EDIT: if the hugger is Emilia Clarke (Game of Thrones), forget everything I said

Credit where it's due: China just landed on Mars

Uh-oh: it gave the Rover the Flying AIDS

Target just joined Walmart, Costco, and Trader Joe's in dropping mask requirements for vaccinated people.  Each store will have a full staff of medical people to determine whether or not you got the shot and will put a tattoo on your forehead. They claim it's temporary. But who minds trading the mask for a bright new tattoo? At least you can breathe. If it is determined you lied, Security will throw you out of the store bodily. If you can't remember, they will check your medical records, do extensive blood work, and an anal probe. *The anal probe isn't necessary, they just like giving them, plus it shows you're serious about shopping there.

• CCTV footage shows the wife of Belgium's ambassador to South Korea assaulting shop staff in Seoul. She claims diplomatic immunity.
• Funny, that's what my wife says every time she slaps me.

As China and US population falls, what can they do to encourage people to procreate?

• why do we need more of them?
• state-sponsored alcohol or vouchers to bars
• Procreation Bars
• free state procreating facilities
• discount on alcohol over 2 pints
• billboards: Do Your Patriotic Duty - Fsck!
• Make a little tax writeoff now!

The world's first GMO mosquitoes were released in the Florida Keys. The idea is to mate with existing mosquitoes and render them sterile. There was a lot of pushback, but naturally, they were released anyway. Currently, they have zeroed in on their targets and are mating with alligators all over the area.

Ebay is banning hentai and closing the site's Adults Only section "in the interest of safety". 

I must be stupid, because I can't figure out what adult products have to do with safety.

Another one of those days. The only thing is, I haven't had them like this lately. Things have calmed down since I converted to the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. No, wait, maybe it was just staying in due to the Flying AIDS. Yeah, that's it.

It was Tax Time, and we linux users were screwed, as usual. For the past couple of years, I used a product that rhymes with BlurboTax. I had to run it in a Win 7 virtual machine because we don't do Windows. This year's edition won't run on Win 7, so screwed again. No choice but to do them online, via BlurboTax's website.

The thing moved quickly, but was disingenuously-worded and full of ads for their services. When I checked out, it charged me $40 for my state return, which I explicitly told it I didn't want done. I was not happy, and when I say not happy, I mean the dog freaked out and RAN. I talked to them on the phone, and the nice lady put me through to a supervisor. This should have been my first clue. She explains to me that the extra $40 was not for e-filing the state, it was for preparing the state. Nowhere on the site does it explain this. Further, the actual Windows version of their software does not operate like this. I honestly tried to hold my inner Satan back... it wasn't her fault and I don't abuse people on phones or in restaurants. Apparently the threat of Satan did something and they're going to refund me the extra. Of course it's been 6 hours and I haven't received the email......

Mrs. lefty came in from errands. SOME MF'ER HIT MY CAR.

It was a ding and a scrape. Naturally no one left a note... they just hit it and drove away.

This car is virtually new. For most of my life, I've never had a new, or an unblemished car. The last car was unblemished, for the first 6 months, then assholes started coming out of the woodwork to hit it. I kid you not - there were around a dozen accidents. The car was an asshole magnet. Now here we are, 4 months into this beautiful car and BANG SCRATCH. 

It's gonna take a lot of ice cream to salvage this day.

Ice cream and sex. 

I'll definitely get ice cream.

*Fun Fact: the income tax was temporary, during a war. Now the income tax is permanent, as is war.

Elvis Drives a Nuclear Submarine

 Your love is like  a swim in vinegar

A Baltimore chief prosecutor asked the FCC to stop negative news coverage about her

Mommmmm.... he's making fun of me again!!! 

We need to replace politicians, from the top down.

Two same-sex couples have formed as the Gentoo penguins go through their mating season at the Sea Life aquarium in London

• LGBTQ organizations accuse the aquarium of holding back some of the penguins so there won't be more same-sex couples
• approximately 3% of the RNC told their spouse they didn't know penguins wuz faggits
• all colleges in California went on strike
• the NFL will have every team 'take a penguin' before all games
• Black Lives Matter says it's racist

If you're going to Zoom into court, you should probably avoid the screen name 'BUTTFUCKER 3000' Judges are not known for their sense of humor.

If you attend Penn State, there's a small bulletin: they're canceling 'male-centric' 'junior' and 'senior' labels.

The resolution urges the university to change all written materials with the "junior/senior" label because it is "parallel to western male father-son naming conventions."

 because books aren't expensive enough now

The resolution asserts that “terms such as ‘freshmen’ are decidedly male-specific, while terms such as ‘upperclassmen’ can be interpreted as both sexist and classist.” Terms such as “junior” and “senior” are supposedly “parallel to western male father-son naming conventions, and much of our written documentation uses he/she pronouns.”

The resolution also suggests departing “from the use of academic grouping titles that stem from a primarily male-centric academic history in course descriptions and degree program descriptions.” For instance, “freshman/sophomore/junior/senior” would be replaced with “first-year,” “second-year,” “third-year,” and “fourth-year.” 

You'd hope there's a Department of Humor that grinds this hysterical stuff out, but no: it's the students and faculty. Here's the Penn State curriculum:

• Whining
• Protesting
• Rioting 1, Rioting 2
• Entitlement
• entry level sign-making
• BLM
• chaining doors

all for only $50,000 a year!

• Amazon, out of the news for 4 days, has jumped back in: they warned their employees not to trust their unionizing coworkers
• ...especially the ones making more money and getting better benefits... they're the worst
• also to keep peeing in bottles

So the pipeline got hacked.

What is the natural next step - hardening security, working around the hack?

No, people are panic-buying gas.

If the stations sell bread and milk, it would be a one-stop-shop when snow is forecast

• An unmasked airline passenger blew his nose into a blanket. The FAA has fined him $10,500
• When I was little, my mother used to tell me to blow my nose all the time. I have been vindicated! 
• Speaking of which, psychologists say small bribes may help people build healthy habits
• they're referring to getting Indian children to wash their hands

Customers of Real (sex) Dolls are asking for a female angel doll, with wings and a halo

Using my libido and my imagination, I can't come up with a good use for wings and a halo

Oh. 

Related? Flying AIDS found in penile tissue, may even lead to erectile dysfunction

• Hundreds in Orange County, California protest Flying AIDS vaccine passports: 'You're not going to brand us'
• In England, the National Health app got the go-ahead for vaccine passport, despite protests from privacy groups
• Speak now or your peace will forever be held 

60 Minutes will be doing a story on UFO/UAP reality on Sunday 5/16.

let's see what they have to say...

In case you missed it, and how could you, it's Asian and Pacific Islander Heritage month.

Instead of feeling included, the two groups are up in arms because they each want their own month.

Meanwhile, the rest of us said, "Huh?" We needed to ponder this to figure out what Pacific Islanders are and do we know any. We know who Asians are - they're the people idiots are assaulting, thinking they're somehow responsible for the Flying AIDS. Are Pacific Islanders Hawaiians? Maybe they're Puerto Ricans... no... they're Mediterranean. They said geography was of real world use, even after we flunked it. I wish they would have taught us something useful, like balancing a checkbook and the importance of not reproducing. Critical thinking would have been the most needed course, but the Masked Furry is on tv and we're out of beer. HONEY.... you need to do a beer run. What do you mean 'I can do it myself?' That's pretty selfish after I personally finished the leftover pizza you needed for the smoothies. I was doing everybody a great service. Speaking of service..... tonight? After Masked Furry? I have a big bottle of aspirin in case you develop a sudden headache. I'm really drawn to that pimple on your cheek - will you pop it please? I can barely hear a word you say. I don't care if it hasn't formed a head yet - go after it with a surgical knife, if necessary. Jee-Bus, at least put a bandaid on it or something - it makes more noise than a week of television commercials about Medicare. So maybe next year there will be an Asian Heritage month and a Pacific Island Heritage month, at which point we'll remember we figured this all out and can't remember a damn thing now...

The problem, and there are many, with Asian jokes is that I just discovered a few Asians in my family (they tried to blend in). This is going to put a crimp in the hilarity, while I find an unrepresented minority. Maybe they can tell me some good Asian jokes. They can all drive, so there goes those jokes.  My favorite are the American jokes, but I can't get people to tell me many because they're too nice. Most of them involve Americans only knowing one language. The joke's on them, as most of our paperwork and some of our street signs are in Spanish. That's two languages, even by the American counting system. But I can't get any other jokes out of them, and that one wasn't very funny.

Apparently there's an Asian hierarchy, according to an ex-coworker. He said Japanese and Chinese were up top, with Thai and Cambodian at the very bottom. He was Cambodian. He said there's nothing lower in the world than a Cambodian hooker. I have to admit a certain jealousy of this guy, because he could bring an entire room to a shocked silence faster than me. It was difficult to give up my crown. In the end, I won, because the boss said that out of all the people he ever managed, I scared him the most. I still get tingles thinking about it. Wait... .give me a minute... I forgot to put that on my resume....

How do you perform a testicular exam on a birthing-person? #wokemedpearls. Daunting right? The lack of a scrotum and testes, however, should not dissuade you from performing this exam. 

      ----Twitter

Today I identify as  a female. Check my vagina, dammit!

When I think about it, I am way behind the rest of the country because I am not offended by anything. I wish to announce, henceforth and hitherto, that I am offended by houndstooth. Mortally offended. And nauseated. Prepare the lawsuits!

At the End of the Day, it's Night

 Your love is like  an acid bath

• China forgot to tell anybody that a leopard was missing from a wildlife park for a week
• Nice kitty. Hey Mom - can I have a kitty cat? 
• China says no bears are missing from wildlife parks
• China's space junk landed in the ocean
• After landing, China said it burnt up in the atmosphere

I did an experiment recently. A philosophical, physical, existential, and other-al experiment. 

I'm always curious about how normal people live. So I did the opposite and took a few weeks off my chores. Did you know that if you don't look outside, the grass doesn't have to be mowed? It turns out to be very easy not to look out back (write this down somewhere). In fact, I normally rely on the Spousal Confrontational Communication Method (I get yelled at to mow the fscking lawn). If she's feeling particularly generous, she'll drop hints, like "It's been 5 weeks since you mowed last and it's been raining, and boy is it tall" or "I can't find the dog in the grass." The trash is another long-term source of disagreement. I take it out the night before the trucks come. She starts with some nonsense about the can overflowing and it needs to be taken out NOW. This is the kind of thing that causes Marital Unrest. We don't fight about the mortgage or the car. There is an unspoken rule that we only fight about stuff below $25, or involving mowing. So she has to put on her safari outfit to locate the dog.. she happens to look good in her safari outfit, although she doesn't buy that excuse anymore.

We're still plagued with Zombie Dishes. I do an entire sink full of dishes, walk out of the kitchen, and the next time in the kitchen, they're back. Now there are only 2 bipeds and 1 quadruped, so we can't possibly make all those dishes dirty. Here's a secret clothes washing tip: if you have bunches and bunches of them, you don't have to wash as frequently. Or at all. Dog toys are all over the place because she refuses to put them back when she's done playing, We also explained to her that if we trip over them and die, it's counterproductive.

So I have to wear long pants because the grass is up to my knees, I have more dirty laundry than Madonna, trash is only 1 day a week, and the dishes have evolved rudimentary speech. The vacuum only pushes dirt around so what's the point? This is Phase 1 of my experiment. I'm on Phase 2 now, wherein I sit on the couch a lot, This is not really any different from what I normally do, except I normally do things.

So how's the experiment?

Well, it turns out I have a bit more time. To spend on the couch.

Do I feel bad about this? Not often.  

Sometimes I bark at the mailman, but this pisses off the dog.

I could set up a small recording studio or more guitar toys. Do I? No.

Am I using the time to learn stuff? Absolutely not.

Am I getting even one thing, personal or professional, done with all this time? Are you fscking kidding me? 

Am I terrified of retirement, way down the road?  You betcha 

The doctors say I have to learn to play with myself. I tell them that hasn't been a problem since I was 13.

So we come to the existential agita: what am I here for (besides being a zen-like one with the couch)? How the hell should I know? Books have been written, people study this their entire lives. There are poems and songs. I'm just a couch jockey who hates mowing.

If you think about it, none of the existential questions will be solved by mowing the lawn or doing the dishes. The only benefit to these activities is my health: my wife won't beat me.

• with the new opt-out feature of iOS 14.5, 96% of US users have opted out of app tracking
• advertisers are not happy
• this feature comes from analytics
• isn't analytics still tracking? 

Today I identify as  silt

Google is unveiling 2 factor authentication.

Since it seemed like a good idea at the time, it is turned on by default for some users.

I got prompted for my birthdate. Yeah, I'm going to give that info to Google.

2 factor authentication involves your phone. Because you're going to give your phone number to Google.

2 factor authentication is more secure for sure. But...

• I am very upset with my email program - Thunderbird. I loved it until the last update, where the Sender column was replaced with a Correspondents column. I'm not sure I can use it anymore.

In an article in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, it is said placebos can make us feel better. Mild electric zaps can make that effect even stronger.

Following that logic, very high voltage electric zaps can make us feel even better.

• 7 people died after a shooting in a Colorado Springs home
• at a birthday party, if a woman says she's 30, for God's sake, agree with her

There has been a spike in bad airline passenger behavior

Some people are flying just to see if something happens

CBS has optioned a new show: Putzes on Planes

It will feature those wacky knuckleheads who stand on chairs, refuse to wear masks, drunkenly lead a few choruses of "We Are the World", and people letting you know black lives matter

• the Russian group who hacked the US pipeline said they don't want to cause "problems for society" - they're just in it for the money
• errr.... let's see.. the oil pipeline... nope - no problems there.
• they apologized and said in the future, they will check to avoid "social consequences" 
• you have to respect a group like this.. they won't attack hospitals. I suggest a Nobel Peace Prize

A body found at Herculaneum may have been part of Pliny the Elder's team sent to rescue residents.

Research has stalled because he won't answer questions

• MDMA has passed a big test for PTSD treatment
• in unrelated news, America is facing a brand new PTSD crisis

The World Health Organization, finding themselves even more irrelevant, found a Flying AIDS variant of 'global concern'.  Also emerging is a common cold variant of 'global concern,' as well as a shoelace-tying problem of 'global concern.'

• Harley Davidson launches an all-electric brand called 'Livewire'
• couldn't sell one bike until it was outfitted with something to make the VOOM VOOM noise at 1,500 watts and disturb everyone within a one mile radius

The National Transportation Safety Board (GEPQ) issued a preliminary report on the most recent Tesla crash. The car left the road, driving over a curb, hitting a drainage culvert, a raised manhole and a tree. Naturally a fire started in a battery, destroying the car. The positions of the bodies indicated no one was driving the car and Autosteer was not available.

The NTSB and Tesla jointly said, "What, are your STUPID? Cars need drivers. If not, the car itself can drive over a curb, hit a drainage culvert, a raised manhole, and a tree. And no, you cannot steer with your penis."

The families of the deceased are suing the curb, the drainage culvert, the raised manhole, the tree, and Tesla, for exploding batteries.

The Indian government wants you to know that 5G doesn't cause the Flying AIDS and India has no 5G anyway.  Also, 4G does not cause the flu and India has no 4G.

The US Postal Service is now using AI technology (to tell you how late your mail will be).

Because of this great advance, the cost of a stamp will be $2.50, and will be guaranteed to arrive in the continental US within 3 weeks earliest.

NASA is raising the price for space tourists to visit the International Space Station (SSQ).

We all know this is going to be a trip for the enormously wealthy.... the kind of people who have garages full of Porsche electric SUVs and a single beater Prius. There are several things these people, who have waaaay more money than brains, are not aware of....

• constant vomiting annoys the real astronauts and you will be introduced to the airlock sooner than later
• pooping in your suit has a unique feel in weightlessness. It will develop into rashes and sores, making sitting extremely difficult. After a while, there will be no room left for poop. If the poop smells, you will be introduced to the airlock
• attempting to grab the controls and take a joyride around the planet will get you introduced to the airlock, without your suit
• they've heard it 1,000 times, so any joke about sex in space will get you introduced to the airlock
• your behavior in the Station will determine what happens after your space walk, when you knock on the capsule door to be let back in

The Consumer Products Safety Commission warns you not to fill plastic bags with gasoline.

Also not to light and drink them 

We are a nation of morons

happy Mothers Day

That Time When the Service Elephant and ManBearPig Went Bowling

 Your love is like  ebola

• Were you at an Indonesian airport recently? You should probably get re-tested for the Flying AIDS. 9,000 people were tested with reused swabs.
• I thought those Q-Tips smelled funny...

You Go, Lady!

Post that picture to Faceyspaces. The one that puts your husband at the Capitol riot.

If your kids want to become lawyers, tell them Faceyspaces law is huge 

• Peloton is recalling some of its treadmills over safety concerns
• So that's why I can't exercise, Dear
• CEO apologized for not cooperating with the Consumer Product Safety Commission sooner
• "So a few babies got crunched - what's the problem? I was vacationing on the Riviera." 

Philly is having trouble with illegal bikes and ATVs roaming the streets.

 Idiot mayor could get a win-win out of this by hiring some of the homeless and equipping them with sniper rifles.

• Days after the announcement that vaccines were on the decline, Biden wants to accelerate vaccine production by waiving the patents
• The pharmaceutical companies said it was a good idea because of the pandemic and they support it
• APRIL FOOLS!

Today I identify as a Tesla, after it burst into flames

• a California man was hit and killed by a drunk driver, after leaving an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting
• God has a wicked sense of humor 

Pr0n, Children's Book, or Bad Translation?  

Everyone in the family went to work during the summer vacation, and a beautiful schoolgirl was invited into the house

• Reading Terminal Market, a Philadelphia humongous dining/shopping experience, was on the news because of their first black-owned bakery
• still no news about the first left handed bakery

So there's a green truck with a portable grinder across the street. I wonder who's getting trees done?

You know the answer is my next door neighbor, and my next meeting is in 5 minutes...

• SpaceX successfully lands a Starship test flight
• Grace Slick said, "Wow."

I know I'm very incredibly late to the party, but Greta Van Fleet sounds exactly like Led Zeppelin. It's not the songs - it's the guitar tones, the drums, and the vocals. It's wildly reminiscent, without being a direct copy, like Neil Innes' The Rutles. Their success proves how much we need real rock and roll.

China put a 20 ton major component of its planned space station into orbit in April.

CHINA: We lead the world in space stations and have ours almost fully assembled

However, the booster that put it there has gone unstable and will return to Earth in the form of a crash

CHINA: The gloriously successful booster rocket is no longer needed and will burn up in the atmosphere

Odds are it will happen over an ocean

CHINA: fortunately it will burn up in the atmosphere

The last booster was set to land on New York

CHINA: The last booster burned up in the atmosphere

Due to its unstable orbit, it's impossible to predict where it will land

CHINA: fortunately it will burn up in the atmosphere

also CHINA: and should any parts land on the US, they are not ours, no way. They are obviously parts of some other country's failed boosters, mad that Trump was not re-elected. Ours burned up in the atmosphere.

• If the economy were halfway decent, we wouldn't see news features about "twinning" - mother and children wearing the same dress or matching clothing.

Google has introduced another useless service, called Broadcast. If you say "Hey Google. broadcast 'It's time for dinner,'" all Google speakers in the house will repeat it. Because you can't simply call your family for dinner, as has been done since 1338. Naturally, Google hasn't quite thought this out... we all know that Google listens to everything said. What we don't know is the new service will broadcast without saying the word 'broadcast.' This may lead to some interesting broadcasts....

• Where are those little fsckers? I cooked again and nobody even said thank you
• ha ha ha... no... Jim... don't put it there 
• if they don't clean up, I'm taking away the Xbox
• dammit... all you care about is your own pleasure - at least use some lube
• no, little Billy doesn't know he's adopted - keep your mouth shut
• Marge, I've been seeing someone else. Several someone elses
• OK, but no donkey

So it's just a short time since the Tree Guys with their Mobile Tree Chipper stopped by to perform Acts of Precision Loudness in the next door neighbor's yard. A brief inspection has me flummoxed because there aren't a lot of trees there, but if I ask too many questions, my head starts to hurt, so it's better left alone.

Until this morning, when new and exciting noises started. This is a 90 year old woman who mows her own lawn because she wants to. Because it rains at least 6 days a week, certain things tend to grow quickly: for her, grass, for us, weeds. So she's out there, sometimes in the rain, mowing, every other day or so. When I'm 90, I want to be composed enough to mow my own lawn. I won't, of course, but I want to have that kind of stealth. I desperately want to hire her to do my lawn, but Wife says that's in bad taste. That's in bad taste? Has she read this blog?

She's a great neighbor, but I'm beginning to think she's got a passive-aggressive thing going. When I started working from home, she was very concerned about noises bothering me. Well, either I did something wrong in the meantime, or she very quietly hates me. First there's the every other day mowing. Then the tree guys. Then the committee from Better Homes and Mowing. My own dog has turned on me because she likes to chase the birds that come from her yard... the dog barks at them because they tease and dive-bomb her.

I truly hate to ascribe ill will to her, but she just enlarged her shed tremendously, and I saw a couple of guys backing a small commuter airplane into it. The propellers make a hell of a lot of noise. In the next bay is an elephant, which trumpets all day, and drives my service elephant crazy.  Again, she's only been nice to us and we've only been nice to her. She's a church lady (for Satan?). Something on her porch sounds like a metal shop, with POUNDING all day. Different metals make different pound sounds, you know. Sometimes it's like a metal concert (sorry). I hear she put a bid in on a tree ripper. An ex coworker always wanted one to put her husband through. I advised her not to, because it doesn't look like they clean up well and there would be DNA all over the place.

Next on the Noise Parade, I think I saw 2 guys carrying in a huge gong - like 6'. I guess if she can mow, she can hit the gong (unless she throws the mower at the gong). It's a shame she had to wait this long in life to find her passion is making noise while I work. I can't see it in the yard, but I distinctly heard a rollercoaster, right after the new train stop. The entire block shakes when a train arrives (late, of course). 

None of this scares me as much as what would happen if I went back into my normal office to work. They'd probably have to put a small nuclear detonation range in the parking lot.

• Twitter will now let you know, before you hit POST, that your tweet contains "potentially harmful or offensive language."
• in other news, Twitter's message count dropped to five for the entire day
• thank heavens we have the major social platforms dictating what we can and can't say. I got my feelings hurt twice in the last week alone! 

Everybody's favorite richer-than-God transsexual, Caitlyn Jenner, was talking about the homeless problem in California. She added that she was discussing this with the guy who has the next airplane hangar over.  

Mistake.  

The internet let her know she made a boo boo. I heard she threatened to move not only her airplane hangar, but her entire city out of California if it didn't do something about the homeless.