Coming from the Front to Get Behind

 Your love is like green soda

It might reach high 80s this week. That's the forecast anyway. Never mind that I had to use the heater this morning.

I suspect the nice old lady next door decided to ramp up the mowing to twice a day, just in case I had more than one phone meeting. It didn't quite drown out the voices in my own head, so I grimly suspect she got another lawn abuser, perhaps a weed wacker. The joke's on her, though, because she got an electric one and the gas ones are a lot louder.

We have a standing order to run a helicopter over the house, in case no one else made any noise that morning. I will have the loudest distraction the whole day. There is simply no one who can shoot himself in his own foot quite like me....

• The producers would like you to know "My 600lb life - Where are they now?" has been renamed "My 750lb Life"

Today I identify as  a 36C bra that's too small

One of the groups fighting the Flying AIDS is aerosol scientist.

This is a fairly new branch of science. There is very little information as to how to break into this exciting new field, but experts in some field or other say it's best to start with everyday spray cans. Hold it and feel the weight. Read the label but don't assign it too much importance. Most importantly, spray it. Spray it well. Spray it loudly and longly. Walk around with a science-type labcoat, preferrably with your, or someone else's, name on it. Look official but quizzical. When the can is done, pick up another can and repeat the progress, much to the chagrin of your family. If you don't have a family, maybe your dog will be chagrinned. Or your pet whale. If you don't have a family or a pet, one can be rented at a low cost. You can also rent-to-own (the pet, not the family. I don't think). 

• During the first atomic bomb test, quasicrystals formed, one called trinitite.
• Also formed was a really big hole, which feels bad because Science ignored it. Science is always going on about quasicrystals, atomic fission, and Milky Ways, but does it ever say anything about really big holes? No. Nor Three Musketeers. Science is definitely biased.

Amazon has made a $9 billion bid for MGM, which is in negotiations.

Not in negotiations yet is that Bezos wants to buy North America. He just feels it would be better if he owned most of his customers and the land under them. 

Speaking of which, Amazon will show warehouse workers meditation videos to reduce injuries

A spokesman, who prayed not to be identified, said, "We need to keep workman's comp stats down - this really has nothing to do with meditation. We can't meditate them too far down or they won't work as fast."

a group of millionaires marched around Jeff Bezos' New York place, in support of raising taxes for the mega-rich.

• In unrelated news, a group of high-ranking Catholic clergy marched around the Attorney General's office, demanding to be prosecuted for child molestation.
• a group of congressmen broke into Congress, demanding the end to their exemptions, and to be put on Obamacare
• Jeffrey Epstein's ghost marched around the prison, demanding to be charged as the animal he was

a lady from Nottingham, England, moved her office to her car and will continue to work there

Lady, if your perfectly serviceable house can't block out the noise but your car can, perhaps you should also investigate around back, by the trash cans, and the city dump.

• Irony: insurer AXA hit by ransomware after dropping support for ransom payments

Pentagon surveilling Americans without warrant, senator reveals

To make it universal, if the opportunity exists, they will take it. If they don't the easy way, they'll do it the hard way. If it's not immediately visible, that's because it's hidden behind shell corporations or private businesses. We are (have been) at the point where we have to assume every phone call, email, text, and some messengers are intercepted. No one is helping by posting their lives to Faceyspaces or agreeing that the gov't needs to be able to access encryption 'for the children.'

Scientists monitoring the ruins of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant in Ukraine have seen a surge in fission reactions in an inaccessible chamber within the complex.They are now investigating whether the problem will stabilise or require a dangerous and difficult intervention to prevent a runaway nuclear reaction.

• there is absolutely nothing to worry about
• nothing, not a thing
• we swear
• if you would like to volunteer to check, we will compensate your estate handsomely
• RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

Huawei phones can eavesdrop on Dutch mobile users.

In case you're wondering why Trump/whoever told Trump wanted Huawei hardware out of gov't networks, this is your answer. This is the only sane position. The hardware can 'phone home' or have a back door the user is unaware of. You can't have that in your phone OR network.

• Best Headline: French police demand better protection

HELP ME.... I'm being kept prisoner in this yard by a foul, dinner-making dragon. 

It insists I take twigs and put them in a bag. I am not cut out for this. I am a knowledge worker.

It keeps making jokes about me thinking manual labor is a Puerto Rican.

Yard tools have no keyboards or RAM.

It looks like it's taking pleasure from seeing me outside and working.

The CDC is now defending its mask ruling

But it's science, right?

and Fauci lied.

Russia's spy chief blames the West for the SolarWinds cyber-attack

• said it was 'capitalist tool'
• 'coincidence' that it used only their IP addresses
• if it were Russian, it would have been called something better, like 'Great Communist Solar Champion'
• suggested Trump was behind it, now that he had a little time on his hands

OMG, it's like manna from heaven.....  

Pigs can breathe oxygen through their rectum, so humans probably can too.

Humans can breathe oxygen through their rectums. Fire needs oxygen. Therefore we truly are flaming assholes.

This also explains a lot of things said in person and online.

I propose sealing up the mouth, for those who haven't figured how to talk out their ass.