At the End of the Day, it's Night

 Your love is like  an acid bath

• China forgot to tell anybody that a leopard was missing from a wildlife park for a week
• Nice kitty. Hey Mom - can I have a kitty cat? 
• China says no bears are missing from wildlife parks
• China's space junk landed in the ocean
• After landing, China said it burnt up in the atmosphere

I did an experiment recently. A philosophical, physical, existential, and other-al experiment. 

I'm always curious about how normal people live. So I did the opposite and took a few weeks off my chores. Did you know that if you don't look outside, the grass doesn't have to be mowed? It turns out to be very easy not to look out back (write this down somewhere). In fact, I normally rely on the Spousal Confrontational Communication Method (I get yelled at to mow the fscking lawn). If she's feeling particularly generous, she'll drop hints, like "It's been 5 weeks since you mowed last and it's been raining, and boy is it tall" or "I can't find the dog in the grass." The trash is another long-term source of disagreement. I take it out the night before the trucks come. She starts with some nonsense about the can overflowing and it needs to be taken out NOW. This is the kind of thing that causes Marital Unrest. We don't fight about the mortgage or the car. There is an unspoken rule that we only fight about stuff below $25, or involving mowing. So she has to put on her safari outfit to locate the dog.. she happens to look good in her safari outfit, although she doesn't buy that excuse anymore.

We're still plagued with Zombie Dishes. I do an entire sink full of dishes, walk out of the kitchen, and the next time in the kitchen, they're back. Now there are only 2 bipeds and 1 quadruped, so we can't possibly make all those dishes dirty. Here's a secret clothes washing tip: if you have bunches and bunches of them, you don't have to wash as frequently. Or at all. Dog toys are all over the place because she refuses to put them back when she's done playing, We also explained to her that if we trip over them and die, it's counterproductive.

So I have to wear long pants because the grass is up to my knees, I have more dirty laundry than Madonna, trash is only 1 day a week, and the dishes have evolved rudimentary speech. The vacuum only pushes dirt around so what's the point? This is Phase 1 of my experiment. I'm on Phase 2 now, wherein I sit on the couch a lot, This is not really any different from what I normally do, except I normally do things.

So how's the experiment?

Well, it turns out I have a bit more time. To spend on the couch.

Do I feel bad about this? Not often.  

Sometimes I bark at the mailman, but this pisses off the dog.

I could set up a small recording studio or more guitar toys. Do I? No.

Am I using the time to learn stuff? Absolutely not.

Am I getting even one thing, personal or professional, done with all this time? Are you fscking kidding me? 

Am I terrified of retirement, way down the road?  You betcha 

The doctors say I have to learn to play with myself. I tell them that hasn't been a problem since I was 13.

So we come to the existential agita: what am I here for (besides being a zen-like one with the couch)? How the hell should I know? Books have been written, people study this their entire lives. There are poems and songs. I'm just a couch jockey who hates mowing.

If you think about it, none of the existential questions will be solved by mowing the lawn or doing the dishes. The only benefit to these activities is my health: my wife won't beat me.

• with the new opt-out feature of iOS 14.5, 96% of US users have opted out of app tracking
• advertisers are not happy
• this feature comes from analytics
• isn't analytics still tracking? 

Today I identify as  silt

Google is unveiling 2 factor authentication.

Since it seemed like a good idea at the time, it is turned on by default for some users.

I got prompted for my birthdate. Yeah, I'm going to give that info to Google.

2 factor authentication involves your phone. Because you're going to give your phone number to Google.

2 factor authentication is more secure for sure. But...

• I am very upset with my email program - Thunderbird. I loved it until the last update, where the Sender column was replaced with a Correspondents column. I'm not sure I can use it anymore.

In an article in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, it is said placebos can make us feel better. Mild electric zaps can make that effect even stronger.

Following that logic, very high voltage electric zaps can make us feel even better.

• 7 people died after a shooting in a Colorado Springs home
• at a birthday party, if a woman says she's 30, for God's sake, agree with her

There has been a spike in bad airline passenger behavior

Some people are flying just to see if something happens

CBS has optioned a new show: Putzes on Planes

It will feature those wacky knuckleheads who stand on chairs, refuse to wear masks, drunkenly lead a few choruses of "We Are the World", and people letting you know black lives matter

• the Russian group who hacked the US pipeline said they don't want to cause "problems for society" - they're just in it for the money
• errr.... let's see.. the oil pipeline... nope - no problems there.
• they apologized and said in the future, they will check to avoid "social consequences" 
• you have to respect a group like this.. they won't attack hospitals. I suggest a Nobel Peace Prize

A body found at Herculaneum may have been part of Pliny the Elder's team sent to rescue residents.

Research has stalled because he won't answer questions

• MDMA has passed a big test for PTSD treatment
• in unrelated news, America is facing a brand new PTSD crisis

The World Health Organization, finding themselves even more irrelevant, found a Flying AIDS variant of 'global concern'.  Also emerging is a common cold variant of 'global concern,' as well as a shoelace-tying problem of 'global concern.'

• Harley Davidson launches an all-electric brand called 'Livewire'
• couldn't sell one bike until it was outfitted with something to make the VOOM VOOM noise at 1,500 watts and disturb everyone within a one mile radius

The National Transportation Safety Board (GEPQ) issued a preliminary report on the most recent Tesla crash. The car left the road, driving over a curb, hitting a drainage culvert, a raised manhole and a tree. Naturally a fire started in a battery, destroying the car. The positions of the bodies indicated no one was driving the car and Autosteer was not available.

The NTSB and Tesla jointly said, "What, are your STUPID? Cars need drivers. If not, the car itself can drive over a curb, hit a drainage culvert, a raised manhole, and a tree. And no, you cannot steer with your penis."

The families of the deceased are suing the curb, the drainage culvert, the raised manhole, the tree, and Tesla, for exploding batteries.

The Indian government wants you to know that 5G doesn't cause the Flying AIDS and India has no 5G anyway.  Also, 4G does not cause the flu and India has no 4G.

The US Postal Service is now using AI technology (to tell you how late your mail will be).

Because of this great advance, the cost of a stamp will be $2.50, and will be guaranteed to arrive in the continental US within 3 weeks earliest.

NASA is raising the price for space tourists to visit the International Space Station (SSQ).

We all know this is going to be a trip for the enormously wealthy.... the kind of people who have garages full of Porsche electric SUVs and a single beater Prius. There are several things these people, who have waaaay more money than brains, are not aware of....

• constant vomiting annoys the real astronauts and you will be introduced to the airlock sooner than later
• pooping in your suit has a unique feel in weightlessness. It will develop into rashes and sores, making sitting extremely difficult. After a while, there will be no room left for poop. If the poop smells, you will be introduced to the airlock
• attempting to grab the controls and take a joyride around the planet will get you introduced to the airlock, without your suit
• they've heard it 1,000 times, so any joke about sex in space will get you introduced to the airlock
• your behavior in the Station will determine what happens after your space walk, when you knock on the capsule door to be let back in

The Consumer Products Safety Commission warns you not to fill plastic bags with gasoline.

Also not to light and drink them 

We are a nation of morons

happy Mothers Day