Your love is like ebola
- Were you at an Indonesian airport recently? You should probably get re-tested for the Flying AIDS. 9,000 people were tested with reused swabs.
- I thought those Q-Tips smelled funny...
You Go, Lady!
Post that picture to Faceyspaces. The one that puts your husband at the Capitol riot.
If your kids want to become lawyers, tell them Faceyspaces law is huge
- Peloton is recalling some of its treadmills over safety concerns
- So that's why I can't exercise, Dear
- CEO apologized for not cooperating with the Consumer Product Safety Commission sooner
- "So a few babies got crunched - what's the problem? I was vacationing on the Riviera."
Philly is having trouble with illegal bikes and ATVs roaming the streets.
Idiot mayor could get a win-win out of this by hiring some of the homeless and equipping them with sniper rifles.
- Days after the announcement that vaccines were on the decline, Biden wants to accelerate vaccine production by waiving the patents
- The pharmaceutical companies said it was a good idea because of the pandemic and they support it
- APRIL FOOLS!
Today I identify as a Tesla, after it burst into flames
- a California man was hit and killed by a drunk driver, after leaving an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting
- God has a wicked sense of humor
Pr0n, Children's Book, or Bad Translation?
Everyone in the family went to work during the summer vacation, and a beautiful schoolgirl was invited into the house
- Reading Terminal Market, a Philadelphia humongous dining/shopping experience, was on the news because of their first black-owned bakery
- still no news about the first left handed bakery
So there's a green truck with a portable grinder across the street. I wonder who's getting trees done?
You know the answer is my next door neighbor, and my next meeting is in 5 minutes...
- SpaceX successfully lands a Starship test flight
- Grace Slick said, "Wow."
I know I'm very incredibly late to the party, but Greta Van Fleet sounds exactly like Led Zeppelin. It's not the songs - it's the guitar tones, the drums, and the vocals. It's wildly reminiscent, without being a direct copy, like Neil Innes' The Rutles. Their success proves how much we need real rock and roll.
China put a 20 ton major component of its planned space station into orbit in April.
CHINA: We lead the world in space stations and have ours almost fully assembled
However, the booster that put it there has gone unstable and will return to Earth in the form of a crash
CHINA: The gloriously successful booster rocket is no longer needed and will burn up in the atmosphere
Odds are it will happen over an ocean
CHINA: fortunately it will burn up in the atmosphere
The last booster was set to land on New York
CHINA: The last booster burned up in the atmosphere
Due to its unstable orbit, it's impossible to predict where it will land
CHINA: fortunately it will burn up in the atmosphere
also CHINA: and should any parts land on the US, they are not ours, no way. They are obviously parts of some other country's failed boosters, mad that Trump was not re-elected. Ours burned up in the atmosphere.
- If the economy were halfway decent, we wouldn't see news features about "twinning" - mother and children wearing the same dress or matching clothing.
Google has introduced another useless service, called Broadcast. If you say "Hey Google. broadcast 'It's time for dinner,'" all Google speakers in the house will repeat it. Because you can't simply call your family for dinner, as has been done since 1338. Naturally, Google hasn't quite thought this out... we all know that Google listens to everything said. What we don't know is the new service will broadcast without saying the word 'broadcast.' This may lead to some interesting broadcasts....
- Where are those little fsckers? I cooked again and nobody even said thank you
- ha ha ha... no... Jim... don't put it there
- if they don't clean up, I'm taking away the Xbox
- dammit... all you care about is your own pleasure - at least use some lube
- no, little Billy doesn't know he's adopted - keep your mouth shut
- Marge, I've been seeing someone else. Several someone elses
- OK, but no donkey
So it's just a short time since the Tree Guys with their Mobile Tree Chipper stopped by to perform Acts of Precision Loudness in the next door neighbor's yard. A brief inspection has me flummoxed because there aren't a lot of trees there, but if I ask too many questions, my head starts to hurt, so it's better left alone.
Until this morning, when new and exciting noises started. This is a 90 year old woman who mows her own lawn because she wants to. Because it rains at least 6 days a week, certain things tend to grow quickly: for her, grass, for us, weeds. So she's out there, sometimes in the rain, mowing, every other day or so. When I'm 90, I want to be composed enough to mow my own lawn. I won't, of course, but I want to have that kind of stealth. I desperately want to hire her to do my lawn, but Wife says that's in bad taste. That's in bad taste? Has she read this blog?
She's a great neighbor, but I'm beginning to think she's got a passive-aggressive thing going. When I started working from home, she was very concerned about noises bothering me. Well, either I did something wrong in the meantime, or she very quietly hates me. First there's the every other day mowing. Then the tree guys. Then the committee from Better Homes and Mowing. My own dog has turned on me because she likes to chase the birds that come from her yard... the dog barks at them because they tease and dive-bomb her.
I truly hate to ascribe ill will to her, but she just enlarged her shed tremendously, and I saw a couple of guys backing a small commuter airplane into it. The propellers make a hell of a lot of noise. In the next bay is an elephant, which trumpets all day, and drives my service elephant crazy. Again, she's only been nice to us and we've only been nice to her. She's a church lady (for Satan?). Something on her porch sounds like a metal shop, with POUNDING all day. Different metals make different pound sounds, you know. Sometimes it's like a metal concert (sorry). I hear she put a bid in on a tree ripper. An ex coworker always wanted one to put her husband through. I advised her not to, because it doesn't look like they clean up well and there would be DNA all over the place.
Next on the Noise Parade, I think I saw 2 guys carrying in a huge gong - like 6'. I guess if she can mow, she can hit the gong (unless she throws the mower at the gong). It's a shame she had to wait this long in life to find her passion is making noise while I work. I can't see it in the yard, but I distinctly heard a rollercoaster, right after the new train stop. The entire block shakes when a train arrives (late, of course).
None of this scares me as much as what would happen if I went back into my normal office to work. They'd probably have to put a small nuclear detonation range in the parking lot.
- Twitter will now let you know, before you hit POST, that your tweet contains "potentially harmful or offensive language."
- in other news, Twitter's message count dropped to five for the entire day
- thank heavens we have the major social platforms dictating what we can and can't say. I got my feelings hurt twice in the last week alone!
Everybody's favorite richer-than-God transsexual, Caitlyn Jenner, was talking about the homeless problem in California. She added that she was discussing this with the guy who has the next airplane hangar over.
Mistake.
The internet let her know she made a boo boo. I heard she threatened to move not only her airplane hangar, but her entire city out of California if it didn't do something about the homeless.
No comments:
Post a Comment