Adjusting Ring Adjusters - or - Forced Vacation, more or less Day 11

 lefty.

lefty?

LEFTY!

huh.. oh.. uh... what? Is the house on fire? Sale on ice cream? Does somebody want sex?

What's today's date.

You have no phone?

I don't know where it is.

So it's my problem, then. 

Yes.

Never, even on forced vacations, wake me at 8:30 to ask the date.

Ok. Don't forget - you have to go shopping with us today.

I know.

What day is today?

This is more than you've said to me all weekend. Why does it have to come out all at once, during NSH (Normal Sleeping Hours)? 

I'm... sorr.... [snore.....snore...snore...]

So... she goes back to sleep, I can't sleep, and the city is about to knock on my door, asking to see my permit for operating heavy equipment. It's ok, the inspector will hear her snoring, we'll laugh, and he'll go back to prosecuting people who put pools in their yards or built some outdoor furniture. But you seriously want to be careful if building something in Philly. It's not that the inspectors are on the take, but there is a pre-printed, plastic covered sheet with the building activity and the suggested bribe for it.

POOLs (below 4')     $20

POOLs (above 4')     $40

Fix broken concrete sidewalk     $30 before it hardens, $40 after, 

POOL (in ground)     $100-500 depending on complexity and level of bikini around it

Homeowners are advised to make the 'donation' early. If my supervisor has to come out, all suggested donations are doubled. Beer would be nice too.

Please place 'donation' in brown envelope, on nearest steps, then turn around for 30 seconds, as if you were remembering something, Make sure you look thoughtful.

Kentucky is very busy cleaning up after that horrible 'weather event.' 

When they're done, they want to change the state motto:

• Kentucky - WHY?
• Kentucky - our tornadoes are better than your tornadoes
• Kentucky - there are states that don't have tornadoes at all
• Kentucky - roads are clear, drunken tractor races are on!

Our Kentucky reader had some damage to the house but is safe. And everybody is terrified.

PTSD is quite real, and as soon as the wind blows over 10mph, they're right back there, in the midst of things. Houses will be rebuilt - people take longer.

Being Attention Addled, I have to use every trick I can to help myself function.

I have a small container by the door, with everything I need to take with me when I go out.

This helps immensely.

Until last night.

I grabbed everything I needed, drove away, and realized I forgot my phone.

Why?

Because it was next to the container with everything I needed to go.

Sometimes I even outsmart myself.

Here's our tribute to 'Who's on First', called 'Who Has 98.6'

So I'm getting ready for that aforementioned shopping trip, now that it's 1:30 and everybody's awake (but me). I have a wisdom tooth that likes to pop up, just to annoy me, and cause mouth pain. It somehow knew I was desperate to get out of the house and popped right up. Just for fun, I decided to see if I had a temperature....

Where is the thermometer this week?

Hang on.... 

Ah, on the toilet. I should have known.

[takes temperature]

Well, I have either 96.7, 98.4, or 99.5. Isn't it supposed to DING when it's done? Why is this so difficult? 

Lemme look at it. I guess LO means it needs batteries.

I'll back you on that. The next question is where the batteries are today.

[looks in bathroom, dining room, under car] Dammit - where are they?

[returns with different thermometer]

We have a second one?

Yes, push the button and scan across your forehead.

Beep beep beep. 70.5

I TOLD YOU TO PUSH THE BUTTON AND SCAN ACROSS YOUR FOREHEAD.

Which is, strangely, what I did.

[grabs thermo, puts it to head, looks at result] Great - this one needs batteries too.

Good, I was terrified you wanted me to shove it up my ass.

I could do that, you know....

Perhaps later, thanks. Any idea which number we like?

You feel warm. Stay home.

Ain't technology grand?

• What's that noise?
• Something fell off the table, so the dog is barking at it.

Pandemic Pancakes - or - Forced Vacation, Day 10-ish

 One or two or several of the holidays are over. I think.

My friend emails, asking if I'd like to meet for brunch.

Well, sure, as long as brunch is after 2:30.

Just because it's after Christmas doesn't mean I started getting up at reasonable hours.

Off we went, to my favorite place, the one with the One True Pizza. And for the first time ever, it was closed. I was so stunned, I couldn't think of a different place to go. My friend opines that Mexican food, as well as Italian food, is made of about three ingredients. The name of the dish changes with the placement of the ingredients. When the cheese is inside, it's a calzone. When it's outside, it's pizza. When the ingredients are just warm, it's a burrito. When they're deep friend, it's an enchalito or something. Do NOT attempt to obtain the real names of these dishes from Taco Bell. Mexicans laugh at us gringos for eating there. They wouldn't feed that stuff to their dog. If you must eat there, obtain a DNA test on the 'meat.' That will probably cure your desire to ever go in there again.

We settled on a place I call "Used to Bees," because it tends to change names ever few years.  Their frozen strawberry margaritas (I told you I drink like a girl) are so potent, if you just smell it, you will singe your nose hairs.

After a long walk, we were seated. The long walk wasn't to the restaurant, or across the parking lot. It was from the front to the back of the place. Perhaps it's because I'm not pretty, I always get seated at the back, or at least out of the line of sight from the front. *I* wouldn't want me up front either, There wasn't another person for many tables. The lighting was specially designed by Stevie Wonder, so you could barely see the menu. My grandfather said restaurants were dark so you couldn't see the food. We couldn't see the menu. It wasn't just us, though... there was an entire restaurant with menus as close to their eyes as possible. It looked like some sort of cult, like Catholics. Half of the people were using their phones' flashlights, the other half using matches. The matches worked better, but the phones didn't set the menus on fire. Most of the menus looked a bit scorched for some reason.

We started drinking early. My friend was perplexed by sugar instead of salt on the rim of the glass. Don't you know - sugar makes everything better. Ordering was difficult because this restaurant delights in making things difficult for their customers. It's Mexican, so they send out a Mexican looking waiter, with an accent, making anything he says impossible to understand. I think I asked for Anthrax in my drink. The thing is, when the waiters go back to the kitchen, they speak perfect English. They spend the next seven minutes high-fiving each other. To make it even funnier, they wear masks. No one has a hope, so this makes it easier for the kitchen when everybody just orders 'a burger.'

We had to sit there until the one drink wore off, so I could drive. Apparently the manager was in a panic, because they were seating people near us. These people were very clever; they brought their own heavy accents with them, to confuse the waiters.

Speaking of reasonable, I just heard a sneeze. I went to say 'bless you' and realized I'm the only one home. Maybe it was the mice.  Although the dog frequently stares at one spot, unmoving. Maybe whatever she stares at sneezed. I'm working on the ability to just say 'mm-hmm' and go on. If I go out tomorrow and return to find the house sitting there, upside down, 5 feet in the air, I'll just say 'mm-hmm' and bring in the groceries.

Maybe it's the remnants of whatever happened last night, while I was asleep.

Before I went to sleep, I read for an hour. Sometimes I read better with background noise, so Wife helped me by snoring the entire time. As I'm getting ready to turn the light out, she looks at me and the book she's been holding up, while asleep, and tells me she's still reading. I play along, thanking her for snoring for the last hour. Since she's a/my wife, she gets agitated, closes the book, and goes downstairs for a few hours, because she obviously wasn't tired. Or snoring.

There is never a shortage of Weird Stuff<tm> happening in the house. I write about it often. Many times it's about supernatural-appearing things. Other times, it's 'cleaning.' Today it was cleaning. I say cleaning because when I awoke, there was not a single spot to sit on any couch or chair. It was like a women's clothing store exploded, coating the house with...  clothes.. There is a difference between an explosion and cleaning: cleaning causes more damage and doesn't get on the guitars. Later today, if she gets up, I'll ask what happened. She'll either tell me 'I dunno' or 'I WAS CLEANING.'  Sometimes I poke the tiger by asking if there's cleaning going on, why does it look way dirtier than before she started cleaning. Tigers, you know, eat people.

Sometimes I avoid the mess by starting up the front end loader and moving a small dump truck worth of stuff to find myself a seat. When she arrives it looks quite comical... rows and hills of clothes, me, more clothes. The bad mornings are when she doesn't see me there. I wait til she finds a seat, say hello, then wait for the terrified SHRIEK because I scared her. It would be so funny, if I didn't always wind up with the hot coffee all over me.

The Christmas presents went over pretty much how I thought they would: the kids loved theirs, and Mrs. I Want Nothing for Christmas decided the gorgeous new ring fit well. I got her one of those car magnets that says 'I love my English Cocker Spaniel.' There are so many words there, that the magnet would either have to be the width of the trunk, or the letters would have to be compressed to read 'I love dm&34n'. Right now it's holding the fridge together, but at least people walking by the fridge know we love our English cocker spaniel.

I got a rock.

But that's not all!  I also got to take out the trash.

Flying AIDS News  

Fauci made a proclamation designed to foment PANIC.

Drug companies said there will have to be more and different shots.

50% of the planet said PBTHLLLLLLLT.

President Taxit said there will be no mandates, as he drew up the paperwork for mandates and played with the new puppy, Rabies. His first dog, Major, took to biting people at the White House. For some reason, this was unpopular. Major was sent off to the Donald Trump School of Charm. Again. Who can blame the poor dog - if you spent time at the White House, you'd bite them too - it's a natural reaction.

Collecting Anvils for the Poor - or - Forced Vacation, Day 9? I Dunno

 I don't like it. No sir.

It's the dishes. Again.

We started with Normal Dishes, which were, well, normal.

Mostly we're stuck with Zombie Dishes. These are washed, then come back dirty.

I think we have something different now. Something new and beautiful, Dave.

It's some sort of variant on Zombie Dishes, but different enough to get its own name.

Pod Dishes. heh heh.. That's right - Pod Dishes. They wait til you go to sleep, then gather in the sink. Dishes I never washed. Dishes I haven't seen in years. Dishes I didn't know I had. Dishes from dead people. Dishes from the nuclear plant down the road (I can see them in the dark). The only problem is, we didn't put them there. There are only three of us and one of us is equipped with paws, that can't hold much.... she's limited to licking dishes. The female of the species asked if dish washing could be my job. I heartily agreed, but for a different reason: I'm much better at it. When she washes dishes, there's always some... dirt left over, only her dirt spells out complete words. Hmmm... maybe it's like tea leaves....? 

Anyway, I know I didn't wash them. I do a lot of funny stuff in my sleep, but dishes isn't one. heh heh. I know they're there - we're not just seeing a mirage. Seeing things is her job anyway. And out of all the mirages you've ever read about, who sees dirty dishes? heh heh.

I'm beginning to think the dishes are in cahoots with the carpets. But this time it's the dog... as soon as i vacuum, she follows me around, disemboweling stuffed animals and depositing the stuffing where I've vacuumed. It's particularly bad when they have the little beanie balls in them. We find the balls on different floors sometimes. heh heh.

It's just that.... sometimes... I don't think I have control over this. heh heh.  It's gotten particularly bad since I had to go on vacation. The Pod Dishes and Vacuum-Following isn't all, you know. My coffee machine is starting to make coffee that tastes different every morning. Sometimes it needs two teaspoons of sugar, sometimes five. It's the same machine, with the same pods in it..I have them flown in from Peet's weekly to make sure they're fresh. And brown... they must be brown. heh heh.

I'm not sure, but I thought I heard the carpets talking last night. I don't think they were talking to me - they were talking about me. heh heh.

Commercial Break:  Hey, Kids. What did you do over the holidays?

We watched our favorite blogger lose his shit!

ThermionicEmissions, right?

Yeah. His boss made him take 2 weeks off and he hasn't really mastered vacation yet.

Isn't that the blog that documents the owner's slow decline into madness?

Apparently it's less slow than he thought.

Well, you kids grab some Deep Fried Sugar Bits and enjoy the show!

Return:  

I swear I heard something. No, this has nothing to do with medicine I'm supposed to take or should have been prescribed a week ago. It sounded like Wife's phone. Let me look... I figure if she's out of the house, the phone must be here. Nope.  OH, wait a minute... the sound was mild and didn't take my ears out - it must've been mine. Nothing to see here, people, move along.

I'd be ok, it's just that the guitars.....  change places. Last night when I went to bed, the Fender was on my right and the Gibson on my left. This morning it was the other way. Now I actually have to look before I pick up a guitar. Have you ever reached for a Fender and picked up a Gibson? The horror!! The back strain!! The BOOOOs from the audience.

All this stuff seems to happen when I go to sleep. heh heh. Obviously the solution is to not go to sleep. They say you can last about 5 days without sleep before you take a trip to the Happy Place<tm>. I have one stipulation: if they take me away, they need to give me a job there. Otherwise it's like a vacation, with all that time to myself  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Your love is like   streptococcus... or some other coccus.

• Minnesota teen jumps out of McDonald’s drive-thru window to save choking customer
• melt your heart this season

I do not like nose rings. So I make sure never to get one.

Unfortunately, others do. I'll see the absolute perfection that is a pretty woman's face, then a gold ring through her nose. Even if I thought it was nice, I'd be terrified I'd rip it out when I kissed her. Then Mrs. lefty would rip my sac off for kissing her. This goes with all piercings that aren't in the ears. You figure the people with the tongue piercings are playing with it all the time. It's even worse with the lip piercings.. there's a danger *I* will get caught in it, like two people with braces kissing. And I'll still get my nether regions altered. Speaking of which, people get their nether regions pierced. JFC, guys, you don't want to get that caught somewhere, do you? And women... you don't want to put shiny objects down there... we're easily distracted.

Merry Whatever - or - Forced Vacation, Day 8?

 We have a problem.

It's not a new problem, and sits in the very large pile of other problems, threatening to fall over and incinerate the entire block.

It's Mrs. lefty's phone. More accurately it's the location of Mrs. lefty's phone.

Mrs. lefty could not locate her phone if it was glued to her hand. Consequently, no one knows where the phone is, and my phone's sole purpose (since no one ever calls me) is to call her phone to locate it. This is generally helpful, but she's outsmarted this lately by leaving the phone in the car. People walking by the car know where the phone is, because the car's ringing, but she still doesn't know.

Being a problem-solver, I came up with an idea: we staple the phone to her forehead. This was highly thought of, but the issue was when she had to use the phone. After she was done, the phone had to be put back on her forehead, and she probably lost the stapler. So much for that brilliant idea.

In addition to the location of the phone, there's the NOISE. Each and every notification is set to a BING, BOOM, CAR CRASH, and MISSILE EXPLOSION. They're set so loud, even the neighbors think a missile has landed. This also has the unintended benefit of pissing me off, because it always goes off near me. It's particularly fun where there are a few alarms set. It goes off, makes me MAD, and I have to find it and turn it off. Five minutes later, it goes off again. And so on. I ask politely to have it turned down, maybe to levels of large building implosions, but am turned down.

HEY.... there's magic to her madness.... *I* am the Phone Locator. I will always known where it is and give it to her, just to keep the noise to a bare minimum! Absolutely and unintentionally brilliant.

I mentioned that the dog doesn't like my recliner. There's no room for her on it. So she has taken to leaping up on my lap and getting in the way of my laptop. One simply cannot type over a dog. On the subject of accidental brilliance, I sure hope she isn't commenting on my blogging.

Dear?

Yes?

Have you seen my cereal?

Yeah, I moved it to the pantry.

Oh, I guess I should have known that. 

---> And this is why I don't go to parties.

In our house, there's a place for everything. And that place changes hourly.

My stomach has taken to letting me know I'm hungry by groaning very loudly, possibly talking to the dog, possibly trying to embarrass me when we're out. Anyway, it had its bit to say this morning, and I went off to the pantry, in search of my cereal. You can tell it's my cereal because it isn't Birthday Cake Flavored Crunchies or Extra Sugar Puffs of Corn, with fruit flavoring. Because over an hour has expired since the conversation on the location of my cereal, it's not in the pantry. Sometimes I expect it, sometimes it's just too much for me and I cry. The doctors tell me this is Not Good. The problem is that in order to re-locate the cereal, I have to locate Wife, who is deeply embedded in some family event or other. It will be near impossible to get her, because once again, the phone is not stapled to her forehead.

It makes me nervous, because sometimes she sends me to fetch something, and I can't find it. In addition to the fact that I'm a man and can't find my own arm hair, it turns out the item she's looking for is not there. So the odds of finding anything she tasks me with are about 17%. I'll nap on railroad tracks and make fun of gang members' penis size, but finding something she asks for scares me to death.

The only reason I had breakfast this morning was finding the new box of Chocolate Frosted Flakes. In the dryer.

And furthermore, the neighbors have been really sneaky, leaving presents on our doorstep. I think they feel they have to give us something, but don't want to knock because there's a 50% chance I'll answer the door. I don't blame them - I don't get out much, and some of them think I eat babies.

On her way out, Mrs. lefty asked me to deliver a few packages to doorsteps. She does it right before she shuts the door so I won't argue. Sneaky, smart little elf she is. I guess leaving present on doorsteps is good for me too, lest I have to talk to someone. But leaving the house will result in throwing off my nap schedule, and I'm not happy about that. She bought the gifts in October, wrapped them up, and made out the cards. Now I have to walk all the way to the next two houses to deliver them? That's unfair division of labor, if you ask me (and no one did). 

Johnny, Keep That Away from Your Sister's Rectum - or- Forced Vacation, Day 6

 My days are getting mixed up - especially the numbers.

I was up at 5am!!!

Strictly because I was going to bed.

So naturally I'm up at 9.

• Your love is like  giving birth to a baby, while having kidney stones

Since we've been locked in the house, we naturally have to go out for dog food. I'm getting ready, with chainsaws, machetes, and the old reliable flamethrower. And that's just to get in the car. There should be a Dog Food Lane at the store. Last time through, they only had 50lb (20oz Canadian) bags. Supply Chain Issues, of course. Penny weighs less than half that. Hopefully they have the smaller ones, or we'll have to fire up the heli-motor and visit different stores. I don't know what it's called, but I installed those hubcap accessories. You know what I'm talking about... the ones that sprout knives to shred tires of cars that get too close. People too, but don't tell anybody. I'd visit Guitar Center, but we can't keep the heli in the air that long, and it's bad form to crash your car into a house, especially from above.

The other problem with this trip is that it's messing up Mrs. lefty's coping strategy for me being home. Her coping strategy is to be on twelve hour opposite shifts from me. When I come down in the afternoon, she's just going to bed. When I go to bed, she's just coming down. This makes shopping together nigh impossible, which is actually great for me - I like shopping like SJWs like guns. Her strategy is quite similar through the year too. This is the secret to our (very) long marriage. So today we'll have to collaborate, which should be interesting. Meanwhile, the dog likes kielbasa, cornbread, and burgers.

She wants to go to Lowes. I said no's. To begin with, there are two state numbered streets required to get there. These streets were parking lots earlier in the week. The only chance we have is to wait til later, which suits me fine. She chimes in that everything will be closed then. Precisely.

Even if we survive the two streets, we'd have to survive Lowes. Even before the holiday season, they were beset by Supply Chain issues. Did you know supply chain issues also apply to staff? There's one poor, stupid, brand new employee running the place. She has to check people out, run to the back to check inventory, answer the phone, and talk on her phone to her girlfriend. 

Whatcha doin?

Sucks. I gotta work.

No, right now. There are 37 people in my lane. I'm going slow so I get it right. Accuracy is important.

No. You're kidding me. Really? But I thought she wasn't allowed to own broom handles over ten feet.

The other employee comes in in a few hours. She keeps asking the customers how to operate the cash register and does anybody have the key. Meanwhile, the customers are left to help each other, which is a recipe for disaster, especially close to the holidays. Most are too busy in armed fights for the last toilet plunger to assist anybody. The lone employee gets on the p.a. system and tells everybody there's a six percent discount if you can help anybody find anything. This sometimes stops the gunfights and makes people downright pleasant.

Customer 1: Gee, those rat traps are huge. And expensive. There's only one - you take it.

Customer 2: You're too kind. But you were here first - you take it.

But only for so long...

Customer 1: I SAID YOU TAKE IT, YOU BASTARD

Then the guns come out again.

So we compromised: we're not going to Lowes today.

I'm starting to get pissed at my laptop. I had to replace the keyboard. Now I noticed that the buttons under the trackpad aren't even. As in the left button is halfway pushed down. The moment it becomes all the way down, I will send it back to the manufacturer with some dead shrimp inside. Note: this method of complaint is much more effective in the summer. It's bleedin one year old. The last one was over eight.

There is a special new organic deodorant out. It can also be used 'down there.'

Please tell me why we need a deodorant for Down There?

Oh, it has a name. One that I've completely forgotten.

I think it needs a more memorable name....

• Twat Fresh
• Bootylicious
• Dick Delightful
• Vag-a-Sweet
• Penis Proud
• Aromatic Asshole
• Crotch Corrector

If I can't get canceled, maybe I can get sued.

Minds work funny. Some funnier than others. Some more neurotic than others.

Being on forced vacation, I just noticed I passed Week 1, having accomplished more or less, just about, approximately nothing. So I'm getting nervous that I only have one more week left. Are you with me here? See, I can be neurotic just like normal people!

At least I'll be able to get out of the house next week (he says, as the Universe laughs, heartily but soundlessly). 

As of last week, the dog got two mice.

And when I say got, I mean he scared the shit out of them and they ran right into the trap.

Dog 2, Mice 0.

Then Wife saw two mice crossing the sidewalk.

Then Wife watched an episode of a show that was called The Mouse.

What is someone trying to tell us?

The neighbors get them too., until summer, when it's Ant Time.

I can't wait for Snow Leopard Saturdays!

You know your date is going south when....

• You discover hers is bigger than yours
• She wants you to sit on her lap so she can feed you because she's much bigger
• She will wrestle you for the check
• She wants to move in. After the first date.00000000000
• She keeps saying you'd look really good with nipple clamps
• She wants to talk to you about white male privilege
• She threw out your old clothes and bought you things 'you'd look much better in'
• You have to keep her for life because every time you try to break up, she threatens to slit her wrists

That got ugly quickly....

Drilling Toilets for Fun and Profit - or - Forced Vacation Day 4

 Ssssssshhhhh.

Over here.

I have something to tell you, but it's gotta be very quiet. You can't repeat a single word. Promise?

It's my shirts. They're going missing.

Unlike every other house, my socks come back without fail, in pairs. It's the shirts, I swear.

Because the Department of Wash doesn't run on a schedule, I was presented with many more pairs of socks. It works very well. I already have more t-shirts than Imelda Marcos had shoes. Or even my wife. So I didn't notice it at first. Men aren't the most observant creatures on the planet, so it took a long time to realize there was a Shirt Issue<tm>. In fact, most men would miss a freight train running through the bedroom, even if they were looking for a freight train running through the bedroom. And even if they were looking for a freight train, they'd have to ask their wife where it was. 

Let's say I have one hundred t-shirts. I just took two clean ones to the room. And I only have one to wear tomorrow. That's math even a man can perform.

The thing is, there are no dirty t-shirts about. I don't have fourteen hampers of dirty shirts waiting for the Department of Wash to process. The Department of Wash, strangely, was not affected by Congress' inability to put together a budget. It has functional equipment and personnel to do the job. Just no shirts.

Every now and then a shirt will appear that I haven't seen in a year. It's clean and folded, but nobody knows how it got there or where it's been. We asked Giorgiou Tsoukalos, ancient astronaut theorist and owner of some of the strangest hair on tv, about my shirts. Giorgiou (Stan to his friends) said the ancient astronauts have tunneled through time to the future, and are taking my t-shirts back to Sumeria to help with the pyramids. I asked Stan (Giorgiou to his viewers) how my t-shirts were helping with the pyramids. He said there were only theories until a recent pyramidal excavation proved him right. While trying to decipher the heiroglyphics on the walls, they came across strange writings....

Jeff Beck - 2018 Tour

Do you know what your problem is? You're stupid.

Marshall Amplification

Yes, those would be my t-shirts. That's half the problem solved. The ancient astronauts are very bad at returning the shirts. Further, the Department of Wash is very upset because it feels it gets blamed for the disappearance of the shirts.

Score another one for ancient astronaut theorists. Watch for the episode on National Geographic. Or Science. Or whatever ($#&ing channel it's on. Next season will be dedicated exclusively to getting the shirts back or at least setting up a schedule, so I'll have something to wear. I don't have the kind of chest to go shirtless. Especially around Christmas.

This is the kind of stuff you notice when you're forced to take vacation. 

Note to the Department of Wash: if you could contact your counterparts at the Department of Marital Relations and tell them to get on their asses, no one wold have time to notice missing t-shirts. It's a win/win.

• Police urge against firing guns into the air on New Years Eve, as what goes up must come down
• Just in case you missed this in your physics class

Speaking of marital relations, Mrs. lefty is in the midst of spring cleaning. Possibly from several springs ago, but I like my body parts so I dare not ask.

As it's late on day 5 of forced vacation, she said she was going to bed a few hours ago, so she's up cleaning. I'm up blogging. This is incredibly far from a good combination, like Megadeth performing near land mines. Oddly enough, some of the sounds are the same, which is why I'm typing this.

Another thing men are horrible at is knowing the names of furniture. Men and women have reached an uneasy truce, where the guys just refer to things as 'that brown thing in the corner'. Is there some sort of class guys missed growing up that only girls attended?  So the uneasy truce also specifies that no matter how many times women say what the piece of furniture is called, men don't have to remember it. That one part has saved my bacon countless times.

I mention this because she's starting tonight's 11:30pm cleaning on one of the tall pieces of wood furniture that goes in a corner and has shelves. I'm long past asking what it's called. Have I mentioned she's part of a large group called Elephants in Tutus? Or just Princess Grace. Let's say she's... ummmm.... less than dainty, and may not hold onto things well. So there is no act she can perform that is silent, or of fewer decibels than a plane taking off. This includes putting on shoes. So she's cleaning stuff on the shelves of the Mystery Furniture.....

Are we going to use this?   CRASH

Remember this? (kicks box full of metal parts)

I'm going to put these away. BOOM (something falls off table, taking 12 other things with it).

[10 minutes later]

Weeee.... BANG.

What was that?

I tried to put something on a shelf in the pantry.

I see.

Weeee.... BANG.  Weee BANG.

Tried to put more things on the shelf?

[5 minutes later]

BANG CRASH. Bang bang crash.

Have I mentioned that the tension is ratcheted up from a long day and we just need to relax?

BANG CRASH.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH, please STOP.

What's your problem?

[guys, you know there's a problem when she asks that question and your answer better be good or you better be in a different part of the country]

Honey, didn't you mention being tired and on edge, and that we were winding down for bed?

Yes, I'm cleaning..  CRASH. [plays an entire song with aluminum foil while things fall off a shelf in alphabetical order]

I'm waiting for the vacuum to start, but that's my job. So she starts the 74 Camaro in the dining room and punches it every now and then. I'm reading Passive Aggression for Dummies and this seems to fit the definition exactly. I dare not make the observation aloud, for fear of getting run over by said Camaro.

The thing is, I'm trying to BLOG here.  BOOM CRASH FALL

If I don't type it this moment, I'll forget it    SMASH SIZZLE FIZZ

My nerves are a little  BOOM  on edge.

I can help tomorrow, during normal cleaning hours  SMASH BANG CURSE CURSE KICK OOH

Would this be going on if I weren't on vacation?  You betcha. I'd have moved myself into bed an hour ago, and started my... ahem... nighttime rituals.

If I were on Twitter, there would be fourteen nasty tweets asking me why *I* wasn't cleaning.

Simple - I work and clean during Eastern Standard Cleaning Time. I clocked out hours ago.

BANG BANG THUMP THUMP THUMP CRASH THUMP THUMP OUCH THUD 

That was the sound of being chased with a frying pan, then having it applied to my cranium, followed by my body applying itself to the floor.

The palindrome of Bolton is Notlob

Shouting at Basements - or - Forced Vacation, Day 3

 Whoo... another rough day.

At least I'm trying. I put incredible amounts of energy into getting up by noon.  Well, I didn't exactly set an alarm or anything, but I somehow found myself not entirely asleep at 11:30 and poured everything I had into being awake and physically at least close to extracting myself from the bed. feel the burn

Today was the day I was to finally leave the house. I've surpassed my old record of 7 weeks, attempting to go somewhere on weekends and failing beyond miserably. We were both in that 'going' mode and she asked me where I wanted to go. Then she laughed, scorchingly, at my idea, telling me there would be a real mess at the stores and traffic all over the place. One of the things I really hate is traffic - I will stay home before I sit in it. So stay home we did.

Over seven weeks. At this point, it's personal.

After the first few naps, I could hear my stomach jamming along with a song I didn't recognize. Ah, I should probably eat breakfast before five. Yes, I have been eating a good breakfast for years, so off I went, to find the Ben&Jerry's Caramel Sutra. There is simply nothing like the taste of a great ice cream, plus the naughtiness of being an adult and eating it for breakfast (at 5).  

Wife mentioned one of our favorite restaurants should be triangulated on our outing, so I am seriously missing that place. It's another place we can eat like adults: the frozen strawberry daiquiris with sugar on the rim (I drink like a girl) are a tremendous warmup for the hot brownie with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. It turns out they have entrees too.

SINCE I am not allowed to go out, I am ignoring the trashcans that must be moved back to the house. Well, not ignoring, but since I'm not allowed to go out, I'm not allowed to go out and get the cans. My area spent a lot of money ordering special garbage trucks. They made sure they got the special metal that RANG when something was put into them. Garbage trucks, unlike Hess trucks, are about the loudest thing that rolls through the neighborhood. The city wanted to make absolutely certain that no one would miss them, especially those sleeping in because they're on forced vacation. It took years of research to find the loudest metal, the loudest doors, the loudest lifting mechanism, and hiring the loudest crew. The latest trucks are electric, but were out of the running because they didn't make any noise, like the HUGE diesel engines. In fact, the stock trucks had gasoline engines, but we upgraded to diesel because they made that much more noise. In the old days, the trash guys had to bang two garbage can lids together, to add to the cacophony. Today they can just bang on the truck, which, as you remember, is made of space-age LOUD metal. A diesel motor was added for when the truck compacts the garbage, in case all the other upgrades failed to wake the masses. A state of the art p.a. system was added, to broadcast the most noxious noise possible, usually the Top Ten Hits on the radio. We are lucky - we're at the beginning of their route, so the trucks start around five minutes before the alarm goes off. I can make an educated guess that this is one symptom of the reason for our ridiculous taxes.

• Congresswoman Mary Gay Scanlon was the victim of an armed carjacking near FDR Park in Philadelphia.
• Another questionable form of participative democracy

Philadelphia officials announced the return of the New Years Day Mummer's parade.

Mummers must show proof of triple vaccination, have their temperature taken rectally, and be quadruple masked (especially the horn players). The CDC and Lord Fauci never mandated rectal temperature taking, but Philly always likes to give it to you up the butt.

• My brother asked me how vacation was coming. I told him. "Just like normal, but more of it."

When men buy a house or get to a certain age, they have 'my chair.' It can be anything at all their butts will fit on, but it's hallowed ground. If there are children, they are told from infancy, "Don't sit on Dad's Chair." They go through life afraid to sit on chairs; most can only sit on couches, if at all.

Normal Stuff doesn't usually happen to me, but somehow I wound up with a chair. It reclines. At first I didn't want to feel that important or old, but eventually I adopted it. Wife won't sit on it, but sometimes I have to remove Dog, whose favorite spots are where my butt was last located. I get the feeling My Chair wasn't well-made, especially because I put it together. Also because it should have cost more than a new couch, which I've wanted for over twenty years. This week I noticed the fabric on the seat is starting to rip from the rear. Since there's no actual pillow there, I'm thinking the chair will shortly be used to bang, loudly, against a trash truck. I could go Full White Trash and duct tape it, but I never inherited the White Trash Gene, nor can I get out to buy duct tape. As such, it will have to go. Which leaves me the Life Sucking Couch, where I used to sit. Five minutes in that seat and you're ready for sleep, even if you just consumed a pot of coffee after getting out of bed.

Wife says we need a new chair. Technically she's correct, but I don't want to see what she'll come home with. The current chair matches Penny, but how she knew we were getting a red dog years before we got a red dog, I'll never know. And it would make my head hurt to think about it. I've never purchased expensive furniture, but I'm guessing it doesn't require assembly. My Chair arrived in a small cardboard box, with sub-Ikea directions. Does good furniture arrive in a small cardboard box that you sprinkle water on and it grows to full size? With leather? Oh, I've just been advised that good furniture arrives by truck and actual men bring it into the house.

So this leaves disposal. My area has gotten trash wise, and charges a fee(!) for large items. A tv is $50. No idea what a chair is or if you get a discount for more than one. It doesn't seem right to me, so here's my plan: put it on the curb, set fire to it, and have the firemen put it out. Firemen take stuff away, right?

Oh.

• Amazon workers have walked out in protest to demand better treatment and higher wages during the holiday rush.
• Jeff Bezos, personal friend of God, told them to get back to their stations, or to expect a 'Kentucky-like weather event' at their factory.

Shooting Catamarans - or - Forced Vacation, Day 2

 We're locked down. Rations are dwindling. Have to feed the dog tuna. She's never been happier.

Ok, maybe not.

Wife had to brave the cold and roads to go out. The cold we can suffer, but the roads are parking lots. This includes the main road that our street dumps onto. If we want to get something to eat, there's no point in taking the car - just put on our winter best and hike. The snowshoes are worthless, as there is no snow. We can still use the ski poles, or maybe pick up some branches for walking sticks. Maybe if we take the dog, people will be nice and let us cross the street without running us over. Running us over with all traffic stopped - they'd find a way.

An old Christmas tradition is on Christmas eve, we go to the nearest mall, get some hot chocolate, and watch the loons run around at the last minute. They need to pick up a few things, and by that I mean they need to do their entire Christmas shopping in the hour the mall remains open. They are generally men, and of course they are. We are clueless. The women have had their entire list made up and crossed off since June, whereas we don't have any ideas for our spouse or significant other. We haven't listened to a thing they've said all year, sometimes out of necessity, so we don't know what to get them. We pass the displays of fuzzy slippers, bath robes, shoes, adult toys, and gloves, with panic on our faces. We don't know her shoe size, clothes size, ring size, or favorite color. 

Laughing harder are the salespersons. I can't call them salesmen or this blog will get canceled. They have gone through special training for Last Minute Christmas and have switched to Last Minute Mode. They make sure never to make eye contact with potential customers. If one looks particularly manic or in panic, they subtly move in the other direction. If all else fails and a customer manages to wrangle a salesperson, they are taught to be calm and dense as tar....

Sales: Can I help you?

Customer: Yeah.. I need.... everything. [panting]

Sales: Oh, Sir, calm down. Are you calmed down now? If you calm down, we can get through this together. Who are you buying for?

Customer: My family. All of them. My other family, in different states. My boss. My secretary.

Sales: Oh, I see. Well, our shipping department has closed and I don't think you'll find one in the entire state that can get packages across the country by tomorrow. I hope this doesn't ruin your calm.

Customer vibrates 

Sales: Do you have a wife? Husband? How many?

Customer: just the traditional wife. HURRY.

Sales: You have to buy carefully, or you'll be sleeping on the sidewalk. How about a snowblower?

Customer: Why on earth would I buy my wife a snowblower?

Sales: To keep the sidewalk clean when you sleep there. We have sex balls.

Customer: WHAT are sex balls?

Sales: The things over there, next to the sex massagers.

Customer: for my WIFE?

Sales: You know what they say - happy wife, happy life. You could just buy them for your secretary.

Customer: She has them.

Sales: Well, we're all out of clothes.

Customer: What are all the things hanging on racks all over the place?

Sales: Props. How about some slippers? What size is she?

Customer: How the hell should I know?

Sales: They come in small, medium, and large, so you can just estimate.

Customer: I saw them on the way in. They're picked over, mismatched, and some old lady almost  broke my arm to get to the last pair.

Sales: Socks are thoughtful. Oh, but you have to know her size. Pocketbook?

Customer: No, I don't have one.

Sales: For your wife, silly. What colors does she like?

Customer: She's a tough woman - black and blue.

Sales: Over there are our pocketbooks, in green and yellow. I'm sure she'll love one. Better run, there are only two left.

Customer: What does a pain in your chest mean?

Sales: It means you better finish your shopping fast. How about a lawnmower?

Customer: She doesn't mow.

Sales: Rake?

Customer: She doesn't rake.

Sales: Large green shed?

Customer: She doesn't like green. The HOA would have a fit.

Sales: Hideous rubber boots - they're all the rage.

Customer: She'd sooner eat them than wear them.

Sales: Jewelry?

Customer: Already bought some. For my secretary.

Sales: Fire extinguisher? As Seen On TV lawn spritzer and pillow set?

Customer: I'm beginning to think you're messing with me.

Sales: Sir, we're committed to customer satisfaction. How about a gas container, with gas.

Customer: POP...nnnngh... blah blah..... goo goo...

Sales: We got another one, station two. It took a while, but my training pulled me through. Take him away and add it to my bonus.

• Deer penis is a Chinese medicine.
• On a completely unrelated note, be careful what you put in your mouth.

So it's Day Two, more or less. I got up way too early, at 11.

The plan was to go out.

What I didn't know was Shoe Depot was having a sale. So much for that idea. 

Wife calls eventually: do you want me to pick up something for dinner? Well, I've been cutting down on hoagies and pizza because of my teeth. Oh yeah. Just pick something up. Ok, you like the hot version of the tuna hoagie, right? Since this is a half mile away, it will only take 90 minutes.

So yes, it's getting more and more difficult to leave the house. After joking about my Agoraphobia Certificate, it seems the Universe is trying its best to confer one upon me.

So I'm left wondering what to DO. At 11am, I'd be looking forward to lunch at work. Because I'm not working, I'm not looking forward to lunch because I'm not hungry for some reason. Might have something to do with the four slices of Chocolate Death Cake I had for breakfast.

At 2am, the Crazy Lady next door went for a ride in an ambulance. No matter what anyone tells her, she will not stop trying to fly, using the bottom steps as a landing strip. I could boobie-trap her place, but there's no sport in it. We decided that her punishment for being a nasty old $&#^ to us was having to live next to us.

You see that it's only my second day and I'm already looking around, bored. If this keeps up, there will be mischief. 

Life hasn't changed for Mrs. lefty - she's still doing all the things she does daily. Actually life has changed... she now has to put up with me, and I see what she does daily. No, vacation is not going well for anybody. Except the dog. Penny hates my laptop because she believes my lap is hers exclusively. Now she simply leaps onto my lap and screw the laptop. She will nap for hours, with me having to try to reach around her to hit the ENTER key. It turns out that paws DO operate a trackpad, as I discovered when I sent a Christmas email to my boss.

I was told to get Wife NOTHING for Christmas. Now think about this.... what would happen to you if you didn't get your SO presents for Christmas? You'd be walking funny for weeks. But she's serious. Fortunately the internal children/alters have put no such restrictions on the holiday. But this year, the Hess Truck is a plane. I don't think that will be a problem. So the kids get their toys and, since Wife wants nothing, a small tractor-size load next to the tree shall suffice. This year I got romantic: I hired out her favorite shoe store for a few hours, no other customers - just her. She's free to go up and down every aisle. I will enjoy the spectacle from the sidelines, with a tub of vanilla buttercream icing, a spoon, and lots of alcohol (remember, I'm learning how to drink properly). The joke was on me last year: I was expecting Serious Marital Relations, but instead, she sat there, checking out her booty (the shoes, not her butt). She has no booty, and for that, I'm thankful. I just don't like a posterior so large, you can sit your drinks on it. I'm not particular about boobies either, I just require an even number of them. I don't know what Mrs. lefty preferred, but she's stuck with me. Really poor judgment.

So that's why I haven't done much on my second day.

I think I'll take off every Friday next year, which means it will only snow on Fridays.

Who is this lunatic and why does he whine about having to take vacation?

Pentagon issues rules aimed at stopping rise of extremism

This must be Extremism Theater.

One of the reasons for extremism is the government's insistence on extinguishing our rights.

And this is their response?

*the rules have to do with what people in the services can and can't do 

Ya know what's clumsy this week? Christmas Eve day. We need a better name for it.

Kwaanza is out. Hanukkah has been and gone. We could call it Fred, but we'd need pretty wide acceptance. Unboxing day? Final Rush day? Oh Fsck day?

The Belgian Spider Shuffle -or- Forced Vacation, Day 1

Your love is like  cat burgers

Why You Should Stop Using the Phrase 'Master Bedroom'

the SJWs will be the death of us....

Today I identify as   a spork

 With great hope and even more trepidation, I started my first day of Forced Vacation. You remember - the days Work told me I have to take or I lose them. Only vacationing is... hard.. for me. When I work, there's always something to do, and a right way to do it. Without the structure of work, I get confused. And I get up to things, like organizing a Pied Piper to lead all the loud little neighborhood children off the street. You'd think the neighbors would have a vested interest in keeping my little mind occupied. Except for next door, who also thinks the children are too damn loud.

I began my day just like any other: screamed in horror at the realization I had to get up. The only difference is that I screamed at 2pm, not 7am. And believe me, after all that sleep, I needed a nap. I wasn't even sure I had enough energy to carry me from the bed to the sofa, where I could safely start my napping activities in earnest.

After hooking up the coffee IV, I began to plan the day. More accurately I planned the day's naps. I nap well. I was even going to go professional until I discovered depressed people can sleep all day. How could I possibly compete with that? It was so demoralizing, I needed a nap.

After I got that sorted out, I screamed again, because I remembered this was day 1 of my forced vacation. I wasn't ready. How does one prepare for something like this? I didn't have the time to do the research before I got my days off. I'm a vacation novice - I was scared. After some breathing exercises the doctors gave me, I screamed again. Breathing exercises don't work. Nor does visualization or meditation, or any of that other crap, especially on the attention-addled. One doctor had me close my eyes and picture myself going down flights of stairs. When he was done, it was apparent he had hypnotized himself, while the whole exercise just annoyed me and I could hear every car that went by the office, through the closed window. It was right out of a sitcom, maybe Monk. Maybe Three Stooges.

I sat with the dog for a while. Dogs are great for people. They get anxiety and blood pressure down. I asked her what we should have for breakfast and what I should do on my first day of vacation. The answers, as usual, were a can of tuna, and rub her belly. Oddly, this did not lower my blood pressure. And I stopped eating tuna for breakfast after the porta-potty incident.

I had been giving some thought to what to do on vacation. Let me know if you think any of these would be good....

• taking the time to learn to drink properly 
• getting a job as a reviewer of pr0n, writing about the plot
• a second midlife crisis
• learn a quick, easy foreign language. Like Chinese.
• translate all versions of the bible to Swahili
• crash course on making those little drink umbrellas
• find a trophy girlfriend (made difficult by Wife's strict No Dating policy)
• Learn how to be a chef. At least learn to drizzle stuff over something the chef made.
• help Wife get rid of her frequent headaches

While I'm dealing with this crisis, Mrs. lefty tells me not to mention it too frequently. She thinks there will be precious little sympathy for me. I think she's out of touch, but I humor her because I love her. Our relationship is based on love. Love and humoring the other one.

The second bouncy castle death incident happened the other day in Australia. This time five children died. Word of advice to the alleged adults: get the children out before you launch the castle into the air. This proves we haven't learned anything from history. In medieval times, the castle was used for defense, to protect the people. As a side note, it was not bouncy either. At no point did people launch the castle at the invaders. Had we paid attention in school, or if there was a live brain cell among the adults, those children would still be alive today.

• Firefox users can't reach Microsoft.com. A workaround has been published, leaving users to believe there's something wrong with not being able to reach Microsoft.

Flying AIDS News  

Current vaccines are enough to fight omicron, but massive wave is coming fast

Fauci says PANIC, dammit!  

No jab, no job: Google will fire unvaccinated employees

Omicron largely evades immunity from past infection or two vaccine doses

‘Striking’ vaccine resistance in Omicron variant: Columbia University

Fauci says a redefinition of fully vaccinated is 'on the table'

Today’s coronavirus news: Ontario’s limit on indoor social gatherings to be cut from 25 people to 10, and outdoors from 100 to 25, with indoor capacity at restaurants and bars halved: sources

Court allows Biden employer vaccine mandate to take effect

Scuffles break out at anti-lockdown protest in Parliament Square as thousands of protestors opposed to vaccine passports and Plan B rules clash with police while ministers consider more restrictions

I'll bet the bastards didn't see this coming...

London's New Year's Eve celebration in Trafalgar Square cancelled due to Covid surge

Covid's icy grip on Europe: Winter infections soar on the continent as Belgium rages with anti-lockdown riots, Holland enforces brutal new curbs and Germany bans tourists in desperate bid to slow the march of Omicron

Mask-wearing on planes may be here to stay, Fauci says

Health officials say omicron variant likely to cause record-high coronavirus cases, hospitalizations in U.S.                      but but but    we're vaccinated and triple-masked

Have a seat, cuz this one is a shocker....

Nancy Pelosi (D, Hell) rejected a stock-trading ban for members of Congress and their spouses.

"Like, if we couldn't make millions on stocks and bribes, we'd have nothing to do all day. If we didn't do anything, the people would get the idea we're beholden to them or something. They would, like, call and email and stuff, asking for stuff and asking me to vote one way or the other. What kind of representative democracy would that be?"

• a Florida man was kicked off a United flight for using a thong as a mask, in protest
• he said since the thong covered both his mouth and nose, he was in compliance with rules, and compared himself to Rosa Parks. Parks could not be reached for comment.
• United said it stands behind its crew: "Thongs are only allowed in the cockpit."

I'll bet you didn't know there is a Ham Sniffer

I don't think panty-sniffing counts as experience.

Or hair-sniffing. But you could ask.

A Florida man denied owning meth packets wrapped around his penis.

I guess he wanted to go all night 

Dat not my meth

• An Idaho man charged with murder and cannibalism in the death of a 70-year-old man allegedly believed that eating the victim’s flesh would “cure his brain.”
• I'm not a doctor, but I think he'll need more than eating the guy to cure his brain,

I'm still quaking from the dental work. It has truly affected my life.

I'd be so happy, grateful, and ignorant, if the doc didn't tell me, on the way out, "I'd still take it easy for the rest of my life. No breaking or pulling food with your front teeth. Like pizza."

Well fsck. It's not like half of my diet isn't pizza.

But that warning from her sits in the back of my head, making me nervous (competing with all the other voices). Evaluating everything I eat. Saying NYAH NYAH. Ridiculing the size of my... junk. Making me neurotic, like some bad sitcom star.

Strangely enough, Mrs. lefty has developed a real taste for pizza and hoagies lately. Have you ever seen a man eat a hoagie with a KNIFE? Cutting off half inch SLICES of it to shove in his mouth?

As if that weren't bad enough, the cherry on top is that I can no longer play the guitar with my teeth, ala Jimi Hendrix. Pretty soon, I'll have to turn in my Man Card<tm>.

What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

I want a Jaguar

the Flying Spaghetti Monster

It's, like, Christmas, you know, d00d.

I think we'd all benefit from holding hands and singing

2021 SJW Non-Denominational Songs of the Season  

1. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
2. Grandma Got Run Over by Antifa
3. We Wish You a Non-Denominational Song of the Late December Season
4. On the First Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me-One Just Made BLM Sign
5. We Need a Little Kwaanza
6. Silent Night (with no hate speech)
7. Feliz Navidad (you better learn Spanish-we're changing all the street signs and legal forms)
8. I'm Dreaming of No White Privilege
9. O Little Town of Bethlehem, where nobody was allowed to carry guns
10. Hark! The 256-Gendered Angels Sing
11. All I Want for Christmas is Preferential Gender and Minority Hiring
12. Deck the Halls with Parts of Whitey

The staff of ThermionicEmissions wishes you a Happy Whatever.

The usual reminders apply:

If you're hurting, talk to someone

Keep your family and friends close - you never know when you can use one to take the fall

Consciously appreciate those close to you. Tell them so.

If someone does a good job- let them know. They may never have heard it before.

Thanks for coming by. I appreciate you.

Do Not Speak to that Sofa - or - Forced Vacation, Day 5

I was up (never awake) by 1:30. Wife repeatedly suggests getting to bed before 4am as a solution, but who listens to their spouse? Plus I seem to function differently (really?): the less sleep I get, the better I feel. But I showed her - she was still sleeping when I got winched out of bed. Since she was still sleeping, so was the dog. Penny will NOT leave the bed til her mommy does. I truly wish this was the oddest thing that happened in my house, but then again, the blog entries would be pretty boring. My 7 ring circus is your entertainment.

Back when my parents were alive and functional, I got a kick out of telling them when I got up. Even moreso when I ate: "Mom, we had breakfast at 3." For some reason, this was horrifying to her. I tried couching it (I murdered two people today, then had breakfast at 3) but it didn't work. I am a real bastard, but can't help myself. I was also a mistake (unplanned), but I like that tag.

• There was a strange light in the sky outside. I don't remember there being light for weeks. Some of the neighbors took it as a bad sign, brought their kids inside, and threw spears at it.
• The sale of solar houses and solar-powered devices is prohibited in Pennsylvania, where there are only two days of sun per week.

A group of miscreants stole $20,000 worth of products in the robbery of an Ulta. They probably got two hair driers or something... even been in an Ulta? If you sneeze, the tissues are $500 each. The thieves are just cheap imitations of the real thieves in California, who are getting much more per smash and grab.

• If you live in New Jersey, be proud that a bill is being voted on to give relief to the poor suffering casinos. Taxes will be suspended so they won't go out of business. Remember the time they suspended taxes so you could get by?  Oh.

Flying AIDS News

Omicron may bring record-breaking daily coronavirus cases but fewer deaths, forecast says

Omicron wave will crash on US with 60% of people infected by March and 140 MILLION new infections - but 90% will never show symptoms, University of Washington says

In highly vaccinated New England, hospitals are under unprecedented strain as coronavirus surges

Axios-Ipsos poll: Lack of trust puts the unvaccinated at risk

A new version has been found in deer in the US, so you know what you must do: stop fscking deer.

Lest you thought you'd have to wait too long for a Tesla story, a man blew up his car, with an Elon Musk doll inside. Extensive forensics, even better than CSI, verified the Musk doll. The fellow took his car for service, and came out with over $20,000 worth of bill for a battery pack. Needless to say, he was not amused. The car was well out of warranty.

Seriously, folks... this is the problem with electric or hybrid cars - the batteries. I'd wait til the technology gets better and cheaper before buying.

• CNN questions Biden's cognitive health
• this might be a good time to watch for Jesus - CNN has been listless since Trump left

Canada's public health agency admits it tracked 33 million mobile devices during lockdown.

This is not limited by country. Substitute US for Canada....

Read carefully: they paid to have the data de-anonymized.

• Deaths and sad lives in the pr0n industry
• none of it is a surprise, but it's sad how it happens...

NASA hires priest to prepare humans for an alien discovery and contact

Do priests speak Alien?

Your tax dollars at work...

Holidays are fun.

And by fun, I mean not fun.

I start out happy, thinking it will be a fine time for the family - all 3 of us.

Then I run into the brick wall, remembering one of us is going to visit other family.

So it's the dog and me for most of the day.

These are the times I long for a good babysitter. Like Mila Kunis.

Mrs. lefty has a strict No Dating Policy, and this does not (yet) include No Babysitters.

It's strangely quiet lately, in the hood.

Not so much in crime-ridden Los Angeles, where a pickaxe-armed woman did her Christmas shoplifting. No one was hurt, and her shopping trip was among the fastest in the history of Christmas.

Expl*sives, Home Improvement Stores, and Vacation

Your love is like   gingivitis

• So this Air Force targeting AI had a success rate of 25%.
• However it thought it was 90%
• Air Force being a microcosm of government

The problem here, and there's always a problem, is that work is forcing me to take my vacation days or I'll lose them. I thought I had a few.. it turns out I've been off most of December.

Back when I was unemployed, I featured content for each day. While I will try not to do that on each vacation day, I will get some vacation content in. And when I say vacation content, I mean stuff I might be forced to do while forced to take vacation days.

You see, the reason I have so many vacations days left is that I don't take vacations. WHAT - you ask? Who TF doesn't take vacations?

That would be me, as I mentioned above. Please try to keep up - there will be a quiz at the end of the blog.

There's always a reason we can't vacation. In fact there are just two:

1. money
2. the dog

I know vacation sex is awesome, but it's a distant memory, as we haven't had a vacation since Bush the Lesser made up some stuff to invade one of those countries beginning with I. You have to picture this: I'm ok flying, but Mrs. lefty is not, to the point where the attendant asks me to have her stop trying to roll down the windows in-flight or they will. As we get in our seats, the captain announces we have gone to war with the I country. Mrs. lefty was not impressed. After we gave her the entire bottle of pills the doctor gave her, she was still ready to run up and down the aisles, inviting everybody else on the plane to put their hands in the air and PANIC with her. She's very considerate that way.

So we don't get out much.

As of this date, I am 'stuck' with two weeks of vacation. While this would be hitting the lottery for most people, I am not most people. I have approximately two states: working and sitting. Since I won't be working, I'll be sitting. All that unstructured time will not be a positive thing, especially for Mrs. lefty.

Is it time to go to work yet? Is it time to go to work yet? Is it time to go to work yet?

SHUT. UP.

What is there to do?

We can go to the mall, the other mall, your favorite restaurant, the other restaurants, the guitar stores, the other guitar stores, the outlet mall, visiting and being social, getting some home improvement supplies...

NO. I don't wanna retail therapy. I REALLY don't wanna be social. Haven't we been married long enough for you to know never to suggest that?

I wanted to see if you were listening.

Apparently I was (mistakenly) listening.

Hey, I know... we can do some big projects around the house. We have lots of time now.

Which malls did you say we could go to?

I have a whole list of projects that you need to complete around the house...

I am allergic to work. Exercise causes cancer. Manual Labor was a Puerto Rican. Ladders make me dizzy. Work makes me sweat, and you don't want a sweaty spouse.

The list keeps getting longer. How do you expect it to get shorter?

By hiring people. I look at it this way... if we pay an expert to do it, it will cost less than me making the attempt, failing miserably, then having to call the expert. Dammit, Jim, I'm a knowledge worker, not a doctor.

Maggie's husband replaced her whole kitchen. All I'm asking is to replace the water spigot.

The entire house is non-standard. Last time I tried to replace an outlet, it had 220 volts, instead of the normal 120 volts. I don't know crap about plumbing, but I know enough to know the faucet will be connected up with WWII bailing wire and the standard faucet connector will need a flamethrower to make it fit together. I like to think of myself as smart enough to know what I don't know.

What you don't know is a very large topic. How about the rafters?

Look, I just bought more life insurance. It is in my best interest to stay off ladders. On the bright side, I'd probably fall off without you even having to saw through most of one ladder leg.

The air conditioner?

It's December. Do we really need to use the air conditioner?

Take this stuff to the basement.

We already can't walk in the basement, due to your 'stuff.'

We could have some sex....

I have a backache. HEY... YOU'RE TRYING TO TRICK ME!

Instead of telling me what you can't do, tell me what you can do.

We could go to the guitar store.

You mean the one that never has any left handed guitars, that you complain about all the time?

Let me think about it. Hand me my laptop and I'll sit on this chair.....

[2 weeks later]

Honey... Honey... time to get up.

What time is it?

It's January - time to go back to work.

Nah, I don't wanna go to work. I'm tired. Can't I just lay back down for a little while?

• Astronauts require 20.20 vision, but space tends to wreck it. 
• So in order to preserve vision, someone invented a sleeping bag that helps prevent degradation by squashing the eyeballs.
• Sperm count has been kept high by new exercise equipment that squashes the testicles 

Today I identify as  Spring

• Never a blog entry without Tesla: Paris' largest taxi firm suspends cars after a fatal crash that killed 1 and injured 20
• the data hasn't been examined yet, but the driver claimed he lost control of the car
• reached for comment, Elon Musk said, "Hey, any other car would have killed 1 or 2 people - the Tesla killed 20. Tesla's doing Big Things in a Big Way.

Something shifted within the fabric of the Universe the other day.

Did you feel it?

Long after I got into computers, someone asked me about 'cable control.'

'WTF is cable control,' I asked myself. Unfortunately, the question got lost among the many other questions that were being asked at the same time in my head. It's very busy up there.

A few years and some cool internet dictionaries later, I figured it out.

And when I say I figured it out, I mean I can recite the definition, but I still don't fully get it.

My personal definition of cable control is trying desperately not to trip over them. I evolved, because man does not improve himself as a human if he doesn't evolve, and upgraded the definition to trying desperately to hide the cables so no one trips over them.

This, of course, resulted in years of laughing, finger-pointing, and Lemon Face at my attempts. It turns out you not only have to hide the wires, sometimes you have to tie them together and make everything pretty. 

Small wonder I didn't get it: I don't do pretty. I am not pretty. My wires aren't pretty. When I built my last tube amp, my tube buddies looked at it in abject horror because it wasn't neat. Hey - ya know what? It works and sounds great, up yours. There are only a few places where specific wiring is needed to keep noise down - nothing else. 

So did you feel the disturbance in the Universe?

When I replaced my monitor cable, I used a cable tie to keep it neat.

just kidding. 

I mean, you've seen Albert Einstein, right? The man looked like his hair was about to take off in 360 different directions at once. Yet he was kinda smart. What benefit do I get from cable control in my house? People might see it and not be horrified. This is precisely the opposite reaction than I was going for. If I don't have wires all over the place, people won't think I'm a mad genius. But none of us will trip over it, which is the main point. Or at least one of the points. I won't trip on it because it's (hopefully) hidden. Other people won't trip on it because I don't allow them in my office. Or in my house. Trust me - it's better this way.

We just don't bother having many people over. It's only because I'm embarrassed about my lack of cable control. It has nothing to do with the ICBM parked by the couch, the 74 Camaro sitting vertically by the dining room table, the large red air compressor in the living room, the luxury liner still hidden somewhere, and the fact that the shoe room was declared unfit for habitation, so many of the shoes started migrating to other parts of the house. Thus far I've been successful in keeping them out of the sink, but I still have to contend with the pens, pom poms, and pets I haven't been informed about. In fact, no one even asks to stop by. People are always very keen to invite us to their place. When my nephew was very little, he came by and I swear, it looked like the house scared him. He was bundled up and swept away very quickly, just like the president when he gets upset.

We haven't really told anyone about the mice either, but the whole block is getting them. The few we caught looked small. Mrs. lefty made perfect sense out of this by letting on that they're babies. Oh shit - if you have babies in view, there are many you can't see. Or was that ants? You can't let them get past maturity or they lay eggs. She insists they're nocturnal but I strongly disagree: we couldn't test medical things on them if they were asleep, could we. And they're not going to pay scientists and staff time and a half to come in at night, when the mice are allegedly active.

It's not stressful enough to have rodents in the house (unless they're guinea pigs), but we have a dog who catches them. And when I say catches them, I mean outside. Inside she runs around excitedly. I'm not saying she's spoiled rotten, but if she can't get to the mice, she whines at them. This is a dog that was bred to flush woodcock out of grass for hunters to shoot. I strongly suspect they did not flush the cock by standing near them and whining. Nature is amazing.

• PowerPoint presentations from Chinese telecommunications giant Huawei Technologies indicate that the company has a larger role in China's surveillance efforts than was previously known
• To the people complaining about the government getting rid of Huawei equipment, read it and weep. It doesn't take an expert in war to know you don't put the enemy's gear in your systems.
• to prolong the pain, the government is giving ISPs huge amounts of (tax) money to replace this gear.

Dehumidifier Number Four is starting to get noisy. This is not good, as this typically means they're on their way to the Great Dehumidifier Heap in the Sky. I'm surprised it lived four years. It's so humid here, I'm surprised it didn't cough and die the moment it was turned on. I hope my wife doesn't apply the same logic when I start to get noisy. Just kidding - I'd have been out of here twenty years ago if she did. A direct quote: We don't own the house - the house owns us.

• next time you call someone a brain surgeon or rocket scientist, you may not be complimenting them.. a study found neither are necessarily more clever than the rest of us

Because it's so stupidly humid, I was researching power banks the other day, between yelling at the dog not to whine at the mouse and yelling at my computer's trackpad, threatening it with a very large, very sharp knife. Power banks are a funny topic. You could spend years researching them. Since I understand banks and a little about power, it only took me a few hours.

WARNING to the iPeople: all of the banks say they're completely compatible with your iDevice. Of course they are... once you put out $30 for the adapter cables. Out of over 1,000 banks, two came with lightning plugs.

The first thing you need to know is that you don't need to waste your time - go out and buy a home generator for when your power goes out. But if you absolutely must have a power bank, you need to check the mAthing. If it's significantly over about 30,000, they're playing with numbers. Buy the best you can afford, like any other good tool, guitar, or shoes. 10,000 is pretty large. Your need is determined by your usage, in such a ridiculously complex formula, it's better to just make up the numbers.It's like this:

Customer: I need one of those power thingies.

Clerk: a power bank?

Customer: I think that's what it is. Let me call a few girlfriends to ask them.....

Clerk: No need. How large do you need?

Customer: I dunno... I'm thinking something I can put in a medium-size pocketbook

Clerk: What kind of load?

Customer: That's a pretty personal question.

Clerk: how many things will you plug into it?

Customer: Wow.. like... a lot.

Clerk: I see. You'll need our 10,000 mA unit. I don't want you coming back to complain. Or for any other reason.

Load is calculated by the POWER THE THING USES over the square of WHAT'S LEFT IN THE BATTERY AFTER THE KIDS USED IT AND DIDN'T RECHARGE IT, times the number of adapter cords you'll need to make this happen (that you can't find, although you swear they were in the junk drawer, next to the batteries for your... never mind).

Yeah, so buy a good one. Don't buy it if you can't pronounce the brand name.

You can now get them with solar chargers attached! However, there's some small print. Unfortunately it's so small, no one in the family can read it. Even your magnifiers can't read it. So small, even NSA satellites can barely read it. Let me save you the bother: Hello ladies and gentlemen. We are including this solar charger because it looks pretty cool, pretty green, and will make you feel ultra-proud of yourself, as if you're doing something to combat climate change. In reality, you should probably know that the best charging idea is to plug it right into a wall outlet, or even your computer. Charging time for this device, using the solar method, runs between twelve hours and two weeks, depending on your climate, how close you are to a window, and who's watching you and will give you a hard time if if fails to charge automatically. We recommend using the solar charging method only in emergencies, like nuclear war, tornadoes doing a Kentucky on your ass, or when your kids knocked out the electricity in the house (again) and you're too embarrassed to ask the neighbors.

NOT FOR SALE in Pennsylvania (It's Never Sunny in Philadelphia), England, and the Pacific Northwest, where suicide rates are the nation's highest because they never see the sun.

You can also buy full fold-out solar charging rigs, which will cut the recharge time from two weeks to fourteen days. If we mentioned anything about running your fridge from it, that was Leroy. You see, Leroy isn't having a good time of it at home, and occasionally prints something ridiculous and 'forgets' to delete it. Just take it in the spirit of joking around and please don't sue us (again).

NASA's Parker solar probe became the first spacecraft to touch the sun.

You're probably asking yourself how anything touched the sun and lived to tell about it. The probe is made of a brand new supermetal called Clintonium: nothing sticks to it and it can survive the heat of the actual sun.

• Bruce Springsteen sold the rights to his music to Sony for $500 million. 
• In my opinion, they overpaid by about $499,995

Dear Internet:

With the year 2022 fast approaching, I wish to unreservedly apologize for everything I said and did in 2021. It was classless, I was drunk and/or on drugs, I was stupid, it wasn't meant to be videoed, the sleeping meds left me without a memory of what happened, it wasn't supposed to be included in the interview, I did it 25 years ago and shouldn't be held responsible, it was the first time I ever heard of sexting, how was I to know you're not supposed to say c*nt? These apologies are subject to addition in case somebody else gets their panties in a twist. Thank you and goodnight. Asshole.

The Service Elephant is All Decked Out for Christmas

Your love is like   juggling scalpels

 They're not kidding about the major oops with software. Click for a running list of what's been affected and what they suggest.

Today I identify as   a No Parking sign

Reminder to contribute to Team Western Kentucky Tornado Relief Fund. It's an official fund and tax deductible. 

Credit where it's due: the helicopter we sent to Mars is still flying, beyond its expected date, like the Rover. When was the last time America built something that lasted past its expected date? 

• Toyota models 2018 or newer will need a subscription in order for the key fob to support remote start functionality.
• it was also going to charge for turn signalling, but nobody uses those things...
• No, seriously?
• We had remote start on a few older cars. It was nice. Now remote start goes to The Cloud and back down to your car to start it. Unacceptable here.

See Something, Say Something.

Nah, we're just kidding. You'll wind up in jail  

• Stanford Professor Garry Nolan Is Analyzing Anomalous Materials From UFO Crashes
• But... no... no... there are no UFOs, so we don't have any debris from UFO crashes......
• uh-oh... somebody's been lying to us.

Is it possible that lefty isn't the crazy conspiracy theorist he appears to be?

Of course, in the immediate wake of the tornado, people want to know if it is related to climate change.

Flying AIDS News  

COVID-19 Breakthrough: Scientists Discover How the SARS-CoV-2 Virus Evades Our Immune System

Stripped of power, Missouri health depts abandon COVID health measures 

Amid violent threats, lawmaker ditches bill to make unvaxxed pay hospital bills

“The situation is critical”: Minnesota hospitals beg people to get vaccinated

Covid: PM faces big rebellion as MPs vote on new restrictions

NYT Admits Merck’s Covid Drug Could Mutate DNA, Cause Cancer & Damage Male Fertility

Google is threatening to fire unvaccinated employees

In 2021, COVID-19 vaccines were put to the test. Here’s what we learned

Covid: Omicron spreading at unprecedented rate, WHO says

Covid pass starts in England despite biggest rebellion of Johnson era

Omicron is rising rapidly in the US—3% of cases nationally, 13% in NY and NJ

It's been weeks since I was forced to get a Flying AIDS injection.

I feel pretty good.

• The third arm has not proven useful for guitar playing - it doesn't learn well. I suspect it's 'special'
• The facial hair on my forehead, spelling Flying AIDS protected, just makes people point and laugh (moreso).
• I can no longer sing, as half of my mouth droops. Some would argue I couldn't sing in the first place.
• I can't breathe through the second nose, nor urinate through the second penis. Nor does Wife find either of them useful.

I would like to be found in contempt of Congress. 

After all, Congress has been in contempt of the citizens forever.

• Honda wants to use connected cars to identify hazardous road conditions
• What could possibly go wrong? Connected cars.

How to keep some of your Twitter data away from advertisers

Deep Thoughts - by lefty

• how do nudists feel about crossdressers?

Tony Iommi, Black Sabbath's lefty guitarist, now has a fragrance.

This is really too much. We sat through different singers and Ozzy's tv show, but a fragrance?

The only question, aside from how much he's making on it, is what does it smell like....

• guitar strings
• the heat of vacuum tubes in amps
• groupies
• Gwynyth Paltrow's vagina (candle)

If you have an Alexa, and you shouldn't, you need to turn off package notifications, or everyone will know what you ordered when it arrives.

Hey Mom... what's a personal massager?  

• the dog is now hiding her treats. Normal dogs eat or bury. She's now hiding them in my office. I don't know why. But I'm trying to become complacent in my position as ringmaster of this 7 ring circus.
• she will take a piece of bread, carry it around for 2 days. like a prize, then maybe eat it.

I knew it was coming, I forecasted it. A German employee, working from home, slipped and broke his back on the "commute" from his bed to the home office, and it has been deemed a workplace accident.

Personally, I have to watch out for dog toys on the steps.

I pick on Elon Musk because of the Tesla. But check out what he had to say in 2020:

This notion that you can send checks out to everybody and things will be fine is just not true. 

Some people have this absurd view that the economy is like some magic horn of plenty; It just makes stuff. Goods and services? They just come from this magic horn of plenty.

So, if somebody has more stuff than somebody else it is just because they took more from this magic horn of plenty.

Let me break it to the fools out there: If you don’t make stuff, there is no stuff.

We’ve become detached from reality. You can’t just legislate money and solve these things. If you don’t make the stuff, there is no stuff... Obviously.

He's right. Right?

So morning was way too early when I started up the computers for work.

My system's HDMI connector bit the big one. The local Yellow Sign Place didn't have the cord I needed, but did have a cheap hub. That completely refused to function, much like the store.

Then I noticed the second monitor on the work system was much more black than I prefer, in the way it was totally and completely black. The system still recognized it, though.

I thought perhaps the systems would come to a gentleman's agreement to fully operate if I left the office and sat with Wife, who was naturally watching one of those Judge Obnoxious shows. "Mr. Smith-Oowawa, the baby is...... [commercial]..... the baby is.....[envelope rattle]..... YOURS."

As it turns out, the computer systems continued to mock me by remaining in a largely broken state. Just for fun, I substituted another VGA cord and HELLELEUJAH(!) - it worked!  And when I say worked, I saw stuff on the screen. And when I say I saw stuff on the screen, it was pretty much all blue. What are the odds I'd pick up yet another funky cord? In my house, almost even.

But I just don't have the heart or energy to find a third video cable, so the screen will be blue until after my fourth cup of coffee or I go blind from Overblue Syndrome. I ordered a video cord for the other system, next day. As things go, I just don't have much hope it will arrive, next day or forever.

What I did see is a tree ornament with 2021, but the 1 is the middle finger of the Grinch. I ordered a bunch of  them for the family.

To put a period on this verbal explosion, Wife tells me I was singing a Joe Cocker song, in my sleep, at 5am. I've always entertained in my sleep, but this is the first time we could figure out what I said. I know you're consumed with quizzicality.. it was The Letter (my baby, she wrote me a letter). So now that we spent actual time on figuring this out, I can finally call the doctors to reveal one of the noises I made while asleep. What in the universe could it mean? That I like to sing Joe Cocker? That I need to send a letter? That I'm not getting enough (live performing or the other thing)? Well, that's what we pay the doctors for. It's good that I sing Joe Cocker - it proves I have good taste. I hope it proved I can sing it well... I'm not known for my singing. Or the other thing.

Dear Microsoft Teams:

There's no reason to bing and boing me to death about the meeting I'm IN. Yes, I know someone commented - I'm looking at it. Sometimes I can't mute it.

I am glad, however, you chose to implement my suggestion to put a timer on the status, so you don't have to remember to set your status back after lunch and look like you're away the entire rest of the day. Do I get an Suggestion Fee for that?